1 00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:03,545 - Thanks for having me over, ladies. 2 00:00:03,545 --> 00:00:04,838 - I love that we can be friends 3 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:06,590 even though all of us were married to your dad. 4 00:00:06,590 --> 00:00:08,383 - Stop. So what should we do? 5 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:10,636 - Oh, a big weird sex pile? 6 00:00:10,636 --> 00:00:12,346 - Um, no. - You said "um." 7 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,223 That's 40 punishment points. 8 00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:16,183 - We're not doing punishment points, remember? 9 00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:17,643 - Oh, darn. - Shoot. 10 00:00:17,643 --> 00:00:19,144 - We're in my cult now, 11 00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:21,522 and in my cult, we think for ourselves. 12 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,148 Have any of you ever made a vision board? 13 00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,399 - [gasps] I have a blank board 14 00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:25,776 that I stare at when I dissociate. 15 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:27,945 Is that that? - No, a vision board 16 00:00:27,945 --> 00:00:30,530 is a very serious adult craft project 17 00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,115 that women and short men do 18 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,201 in order to inspire themselves. 19 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,745 See, look. Here's one I made in 2019. 20 00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,497 - Oh... - You got him. 21 00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:39,623 - And I achieved that goal 22 00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:41,750 simply by cutting up magazines. 23 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,627 - Magazines? We have those! 24 00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:48,507 - [yells] 25 00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:49,424 Ooh. 26 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:51,927 - "Father's Knee"-- 27 00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,512 my dad had a magazine? 28 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:54,805 - I love FK! 29 00:00:54,805 --> 00:00:56,348 It's the only magazine I've ever seen, 30 00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:58,475 but it's also the best. 31 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:01,228 - "732 questions With the Great Leader," 32 00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:04,106 "The Life-Changing Magic of Signing Over Your Pension," 33 00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:05,774 "Commercials From My Childhood 34 00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:08,360 That I Will Now Describe to You"? 35 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,154 - Open on a young boy with a runny nose. 36 00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,031 His mother peers in. 37 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:15,242 She's busty, but concerned. 38 00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,410 - Ah! What a bunch 39 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,161 of boomer nonsense. This isn't what 40 00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:19,955 magazine journalism is. 41 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:23,250 It's in-depth profiles that reach across the aisle. 42 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,460 It's cutesy advertorials for birth control 43 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:26,920 that changes your personality. 44 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,714 It's inspiring women 45 00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:31,758 and threatening them with the return of low-rise jeans. 46 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:32,926 - Women? 47 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,136 Like us? 48 00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:35,596 - Exactly, Wife Beth. 49 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,556 You deserve a real magazine. 50 00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:38,849 The whole town does, 51 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:40,392 and I'm gonna give it to you. 52 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:44,146 I'll show you all. I'm a magazine girl! 53 00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:46,982 - The magazine--it's back! 54 00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:50,527 [laughs maniacally] 55 00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:53,322 [upbeat music] 56 00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:56,616 ♪ ♪ 57 00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:59,536 [quirky folk music] 58 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:01,621 ♪ ♪ 59 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:05,167 [elegant music] 60 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:06,168 [goat bleats] 61 00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:07,919 [country music] 62 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:08,962 - [screams] 63 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,797 - My dad had a magazine, 64 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,175 and I was excited to fix it. 65 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:16,762 I couldn't wait to meet all of the awesome magazine staff. 66 00:02:18,764 --> 00:02:20,724 [fly buzzing] 67 00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:24,519 Oh, hi, Gene. 68 00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,188 Do you work here? 69 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:27,856 - I do. - [laughs] Oh. 70 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:29,566 Great. What's your job? 71 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:32,402 - I keep tabs on people. 72 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:33,320 - Hmm... 73 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,657 Oh. 74 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,325 - There's that ass. 75 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,951 Hey, girly. 76 00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:42,245 Not sure if you remember me-- I'm Ella. 77 00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:43,872 We used to be best friends 78 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:46,083 until I slept with your fiancé and burned down your house. 79 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:49,628 'Memba? - Ooh, messy. 80 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,463 - Yes, I remember. 81 00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,799 Let me guess--you're here because Brian dumped you, 82 00:02:53,799 --> 00:02:55,842 and now you wanna be friends again? 83 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:58,178 - No, it's not that. 84 00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,680 So, we friend? 85 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,182 - No, Ella. Do not use our secret language 86 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,308 where we leave out words. 87 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,351 We not friend. 88 00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,144 I have a new best friend now, 89 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:07,688 and my own magazine. 90 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,399 - New best friend? But can she even magazine? 91 00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:11,441 'Cause I can magazine. 92 00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:12,901 I can magazine right now. 93 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:13,860 I'll interview Anna Marie Tendler 94 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:14,903 at Chuck E. Cheese. 95 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,655 - If you wanna help, 96 00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:17,823 you start at 97 00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:19,324 the bottom. 98 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:20,659 - No... 99 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,285 you don't mean... - You can-- 100 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,579 [deep scary voice] Go get toner. 101 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:26,873 - Oh, wow, the thing interns do. 102 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,125 Right, no probeys-- 103 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,627 Abs--absolutely cannot wait. 104 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:31,711 - Oh. 105 00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:34,673 [rock music playing] 106 00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:35,966 ♪ ♪ 107 00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,342 - Hey, don't-- don't you have an office? 108 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:39,177 - Real journalists work in bars. 109 00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:42,222 [staple gun clicking] 110 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,724 - Excuse me, Bandit, I'm working. 111 00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:46,935 - So am I--hope you don't mind I used the printer 112 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,271 at the trash magazine you're bringing back. 113 00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:51,022 - Ugh, so that's why we're out of toner. 114 00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:53,233 Look, I know my dad's magazine was bad, 115 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,359 but I can do better. 116 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:55,944 - Wasn't bad--it was a front 117 00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:57,070 to gather blackmail 118 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,238 on everyone in the cult 119 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,531 to keep them from leaving. 120 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,074 [all gasp] 121 00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,703 [door slams] - Mm-kay, well, I am not 122 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,538 doing that. - Why do anything at all? 123 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,331 You're the only one who wants it back, 124 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:10,041 you egomaniacal she-devil! 125 00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:12,002 - Wait a minute. You hate my guts. 126 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:13,879 You'd be the perfect subject 127 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:15,464 of my first big feature. 128 00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:16,923 - Come again. - It's gripping. 129 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,341 It's conflict. 130 00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,843 It's the best way of showing this cult 131 00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,303 a healthy exchange of ideas 132 00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:22,763 and proving you wrong. 133 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:23,847 I'm open to dissent. 134 00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,599 [laughs] I actually love dissent. 135 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,267 - [scoffs] I doubt that. 136 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:30,979 All I know is I got an ailin' barn that needs me. 137 00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,356 [romantic guitar note] 138 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:35,108 - [gasps] I can take my dad's 139 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,902 propaganda platform and reclaim it 140 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,820 by giving a voice to his biggest critic. 141 00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:40,822 - Okay, but isn't it, like, kind of convenient 142 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:41,990 that your dad's biggest critic 143 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,492 has the tightest pecs in town? 144 00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:45,035 - Eliza, no, 145 00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:46,536 absolutely not. 146 00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,371 Female journalists have ethics. 147 00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:49,539 This is not gonna be a repeat 148 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,958 of that 2011 Chris Evans "GQ" article. 149 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,210 - Good. 150 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,127 What? 151 00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,466 [door clicks open] - Hi, Gene. 152 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,384 I heard Petey was starting the magazine back up, 153 00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:02,761 and I thought I'd come run the show, 154 00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:04,304 like I did in the old days. 155 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,222 Don't mind me. 156 00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:07,891 - Okay... 157 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,647 - Oh, my, this brings back memories. 158 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,357 [harp music] 159 00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:17,359 [swanky music] 160 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,986 This place was everything a magazine should be-- 161 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,696 desks, whiskey, 162 00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:23,657 barbeque sauce, sex, 163 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,951 and well-oiled blackmail machine. 164 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,203 - I've had impure thoughts 165 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:29,663 about a radish 166 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,581 that looks like a boob! 167 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:34,292 [cries] 168 00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:35,210 - And me? 169 00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,837 ♪ ♪ 170 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,839 I was a real piece of ass. 171 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:42,676 Glory days... 172 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,553 [goat bleats] 173 00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:45,971 - Ugh! 174 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,681 Look, you're right. You're right. 175 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:48,723 I'm a nepotism baby 176 00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:50,350 of psycho dictator, okay? 177 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,935 [grunts] [goat bleats] 178 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,854 [chickens cluck] And I hate that about myself. 179 00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,438 But if you let me write my feature about you, 180 00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,607 we can heal this place together-- 181 00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:59,276 just like you healed this cow house. 182 00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,902 - You know it's called a barn. 183 00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,571 - See? You're already 184 00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:03,822 teaching me stuff. 185 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:05,198 Please-- 186 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,867 I'll do anything to get this story. 187 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,201 - Anything? 188 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,953 - Anything. 189 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:12,455 [gasps] - You help me fix this barn, 190 00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,124 I'll help you with your damn story. 191 00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:16,167 [hocks and spits] 192 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:17,711 - [spits weakly] 193 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,212 Mm... 194 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:20,255 and this is the most touching 195 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,423 we'll do today. 196 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:22,799 - Hmm... [chicken clucks] 197 00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:25,802 [rooster crows] 198 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:28,346 - And we're on the record. 199 00:06:28,346 --> 00:06:30,724 So Bandit, what I'm really dying to know 200 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,602 is how did the cult hurt you? 201 00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:34,978 - It didn't hurt just me. 202 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:36,563 High control groups like your father's 203 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:39,900 hurt everyone. 204 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,067 [tricep shings] 205 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,444 - Ah, ooh... 206 00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:43,862 There was a glare off your tricep, 207 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,989 and it made me dizzy for a sec. 208 00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,782 - Sorry about that. 209 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,242 Now, where were we? 210 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:52,412 - Now, a lot of so-called deep programming experts 211 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:55,123 have been critiqued for lack of scientific method. 212 00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,374 - Ah. 213 00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:58,335 - Oh, sorry, did I do something sexy? 214 00:06:58,335 --> 00:06:59,628 - It's fine. Just--why don't you go 215 00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:02,964 over there and hammer something? 216 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:05,216 [clears throat] 217 00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,885 [wild west music] 218 00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:10,388 - In your own words, how did this personally affect you? 219 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:12,682 - There's no such thing as my own words. 220 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,225 Words belong to everybody. 221 00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:15,852 That's something you wouldn't understand. 222 00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:16,770 Can you pass me that nail? 223 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:17,937 - Sure. 224 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,857 ♪ ♪ 225 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,233 - According to Lifton's 226 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:24,110 "Eight Criteria for Thought Reform"-- 227 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:25,445 - Oh, do you need this hammer? - Yeah. 228 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,988 Just put it between my pecs. 229 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,032 [both inhale and exhale deeply] 230 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,700 When you're under the spell of one person, 231 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:31,868 it makes your thoughts. 232 00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:34,496 - [moans] - Not go good... 233 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,081 [both gasp] 234 00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:37,624 - [groans] Why can't our chemistry 235 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:39,209 just cool it for a second? 236 00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:40,960 - Oh, am I too hot for you? 237 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,420 You are just like your dad. 238 00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:43,338 - [gasps] - You know, he banished 239 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:44,547 all the hunks in town 240 00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,132 so he could be the hottest hunk. 241 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,967 - Whoa, he did that to you? 242 00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:48,968 - I don't wanna talk about it. 243 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,136 This interview is over. 244 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,554 - No, it's not. 245 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,098 I don't even know your favorite color. 246 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:54,724 Just give me something. 247 00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:57,310 - Fine, you want an ending to your big story? 248 00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:00,855 I'm gonna use this barn as a deprogramming center, 249 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,400 and you helped me build it. 250 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,818 - [gasps] You tricked me into building 251 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,069 a barn that hates me? 252 00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:08,238 - Well, time to hit the showers. 253 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:09,906 - [gasps] Oh. 254 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:10,949 Oh. 255 00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,575 [clears throat] 256 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:14,077 Yep. 257 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,662 - Petey, got your toner, bitch. 258 00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,455 - [grumbles] 259 00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:18,832 - [sighs] Is Petey here? 260 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,667 - No. - Great, first she makes me 261 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,210 do an intern job even though 262 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,629 I went to several years of NYU, 263 00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:25,880 and then she ghosts me? 264 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,590 Also this town is the worst. 265 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,634 I couldn't find a single overpriced lunch place. 266 00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:30,969 - [grunts] 267 00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:32,721 - That's not lunch. 268 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,681 [groans] I still can't believe 269 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,141 Petey has a new BFF. 270 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,143 Like, does this tattoo mean nothing to her? 271 00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:40,145 - St. Ends... 272 00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:41,604 what does that mean? 273 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,440 - It's my half of the "best friends" tattoos 274 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,150 Petey and I got together. 275 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,901 If only there was a way to learn something bad 276 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,069 about Petey's new bestie 277 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,571 so I can make her look bad 278 00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:51,448 and reclaim best friend status. 279 00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,533 - Hmm, I might be able to help. 280 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,828 - I can't believe I built a barn, 281 00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:58,163 and all I got was a bunch of Bandit's 282 00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:59,998 usual anti-cult talking points 283 00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:02,417 filtered through his childlike vocabulary. 284 00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:04,294 Oh, he's so [bleep] hot! 285 00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:05,837 - What did you expect? That's Bandit's whole thing. 286 00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:08,298 [both laugh] 287 00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:09,716 - It must be why my father banished him 288 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,092 along with all the other hunks. 289 00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:13,303 - Wait, Bandit said he was banished? 290 00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,930 Huh, okay. - What are you saying? 291 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:17,098 - Mm, 292 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:18,767 it's really not for me to say, 293 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,852 but you should find out for yourself. 294 00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:22,687 - Uh, of course, research. 295 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,898 I wonder if there's anything in those blackmail folders. 296 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,191 - What? Why? 297 00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:28,068 I thought your magazine was no blackmail. 298 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,320 - No, but if research can be used as blackmail, 299 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,280 blackmail can be used as research-- 300 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,115 and why not? I'm a reporter 301 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,533 and a bastard. 302 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:38,203 This is gonna be the best groundbreakingest article 303 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:40,705 since "Teen Vogue" said "gaslight." 304 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:41,623 - Mm. 305 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,044 - She kept probing for some sort of secret pain 306 00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:48,129 or childhood trauma. 307 00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:49,839 I gave her nothing. 308 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:51,466 - And you had every right to set a boundary 309 00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:52,467 with a journalist, 310 00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:53,843 but I'm your therapist, 311 00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:55,845 and I'm not sure I'm getting to know you either. 312 00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,222 - [snickers] 313 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,182 - When you said you "gave her nothing," 314 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,683 was there something to give? 315 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:03,269 - You tell me. You're the PhD. 316 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,855 - You know I don't have a PhD. 317 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,273 This is your time, Bandit. 318 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,775 You can use it however you want-- 319 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:09,984 mock my credentials, 320 00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,820 call me a bullshit therapist-- 321 00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,655 but at some point, you're going to have to open 322 00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,198 up to someone. We're on the cusp 323 00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:17,075 of a breakthrough here. I can feel it. 324 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:19,035 - She was checking me out. 325 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:20,036 - The journalist? 326 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,496 - Her name is Petey-- 327 00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:23,832 hate to say it, but she is obsessed with my body. 328 00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:25,166 - That makes two of you. 329 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:26,918 I've noticed you place a lot of importance 330 00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,461 on your physical appearance. 331 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,171 - I thought you said you weren't getting to know me. 332 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:31,422 - Come on, don't do that. 333 00:10:31,422 --> 00:10:33,133 We're not here to play tit for tat. 334 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,384 - Hmm, 335 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:35,885 I thought you said it's my time 336 00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:37,762 and I can use it however I want. 337 00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:38,972 - Bandit, you're impossible. 338 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,933 [suspenseful music] 339 00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:48,898 ♪ ♪ 340 00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,320 - Oh, B. 341 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,530 [gasps] For Bandit! 342 00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:58,241 ♪ ♪ 343 00:10:58,241 --> 00:10:59,534 [baby laughs] 344 00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:02,203 [people cheering] 345 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:06,583 This must be it. 346 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,418 - Bandit, we have determined 347 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:11,379 that based on your jawline, overall proportions, 348 00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:14,215 and smize factor that you are... 349 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,426 not hot enough to warrant banishment! 350 00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,595 Congratulations, you can stay! 351 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:19,888 - Wait, what? 352 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:21,598 I'll grow into my features. I know it! 353 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,850 Please! Banish me, Great Leader! 354 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,269 Banish me for being hot! 355 00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,646 - Now, now, Bandit, this is a good thing. 356 00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:31,900 I need my gangly good boy around here. 357 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,152 - Last call for hunks! 358 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:35,737 All hunks aboard! 359 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,280 - Wait up! 360 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,741 [cries] [bus honks] 361 00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:41,326 [bus drives off] 362 00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:46,372 - Ooh, messy. [phone ringing] 363 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,999 [phone beeps] Hello, "Petey Magazine," 364 00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:50,126 fashion, style, politics, and takes. 365 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,379 - Hey, "Petey Magazine," 366 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,797 it's Bandit. 367 00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:57,383 Listen, now that all that stupid interview stuff 368 00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,135 is out of the way, I was, uh, 369 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,929 thinking you could come over for a drink, 370 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:04,641 and, I don't know, see if any of that inadvertent sexy stuff 371 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:05,934 happens again. 372 00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:09,270 - Hmm, let me just check my calendar. 373 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,439 Whew, okay, he thinks the interview is over. 374 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,649 What are the ethics here? 375 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:13,858 - [clears throat] 376 00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:14,943 [eye wink dings] 377 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,071 - What time? 378 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,447 - [laughs maniacally] 379 00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:21,866 Ah, yes, and the best night 380 00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,826 of all the nights at the magazine, 381 00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,496 the night we were about to kiss-- 382 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,206 we were working late-- 383 00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:29,999 real late. 384 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:32,877 - I would've saved her, 385 00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:34,254 but the current was too strong. 386 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:37,090 [laughter] 387 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,633 - Oh. 388 00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,928 I was just waiting for my chance. 389 00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,179 [sighs] 390 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,975 - You don't think them spying on me has something to do 391 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:49,560 with Petey backtracking on the blackmail thing, do you? 392 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,021 - Who cares? You're clean--I assume. 393 00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,273 - But who's that? 394 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,985 - She's a friend from New York. 395 00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:58,278 - How do you know? 396 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,571 - Got a mean face, dressed like a baby-- 397 00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:02,490 and earlier, today, she was running around yelling, 398 00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:04,200 "I'm from New York." 399 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,911 - I mean, look, if they're trying to dig up dirt on me, 400 00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,788 I know that I don't have anything embarrassing 401 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,623 within the cult. - But the cult stuff 402 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,875 would be embarrassing to someone seeing it 403 00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:14,002 from the outside-- 404 00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:15,003 someone like Petey 405 00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:16,796 or Petey's friend. 406 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:17,964 I've been in cults. 407 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,340 I know a thing or two. 408 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,758 - You're in a cult now. 409 00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,385 - Ah. [chuckles] 410 00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:23,678 Right. 411 00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,346 - She's so boring. 412 00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:27,932 God, I'm starving. 413 00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:29,976 I know you're a weird loner who lives off power bars 414 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,060 and black coffee, but-- 415 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:33,688 - You know, uh, we could, um, 416 00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:37,066 take a break and go get some salads. 417 00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,192 - Oh, my God, yes! 418 00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:40,194 I love salads! 419 00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:41,362 [giggles] 420 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,531 Don't look. - [grumbles] 421 00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,491 - So what's the culty thing you're worried about them 422 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:46,576 finding out? 423 00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:49,704 - So, um, I kind of haven't 424 00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,998 told Petey that I was one of her dad's wives yet, 425 00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:53,541 and I would imagine it wouldn't be great 426 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:55,001 if they told her first. 427 00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:57,336 - Yeah, probably not. 428 00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:58,504 You know what they say-- 429 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,673 a friend is just a stepmom 430 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,091 your dad hasn't met yet. 431 00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:02,967 - Ugh, no. 432 00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:07,055 [calm music] 433 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,222 - I'm, uh-- [hiccups] 434 00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:09,807 surprised you invited me over. 435 00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:11,851 - Oh, hell, it's the least I could do 436 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,770 after I won the interview. 437 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,313 - Ugh, don't worry about it. 438 00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:17,315 Now, you stonewalled me 439 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,525 about personal details earlier. 440 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,778 What if I said I just wanted to get to know you better 441 00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:25,406 as a journalist and maybe more? 442 00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,116 - Well, my therapist did say 443 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:28,868 I needed to open up more. 444 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,244 - Therapist? 445 00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:31,829 That's sophisticated. 446 00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,623 - Yeah, it's a habit I picked up in-- 447 00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,249 - New York City... 448 00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:36,334 - How did you know? 449 00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:37,960 - This permanent bruise. 450 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,922 That's a subway turnstile bruise. 451 00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,299 Did you live there after you were banished from New Utopia? 452 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,510 - Aw, hell, 453 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:47,929 I probably shouldn't tell you about this, 454 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:50,139 but what with the interview being over 455 00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:53,059 and my therapist getting to me today, 456 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,895 New York City's where I went to medical school. 457 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,563 - Wait, what? You're a doctor? 458 00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,774 - No-- because I fell off a ladder! 459 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:04,612 - It's okay. You can talk to me. 460 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,405 - It was graduation day. 461 00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:08,032 I spent four long years 462 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,617 learning all the doctor stuff 463 00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,160 from brain to foot. 464 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,787 But I was work-study, 465 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:15,289 so it didn't matter how many spleens I spliced. 466 00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:17,959 I was always getting asked to do menial labor, 467 00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:19,127 and hell, if I didn't know my way 468 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:20,545 around a ladder-- 469 00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:21,754 Ah. Or at least I thought I did. 470 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:22,797 [high-pitched scream] 471 00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:23,923 [dramatic music] 472 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,133 [loud thud] 473 00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,843 - Oh. - When I came to, 474 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:29,095 I forgot everything I learned. 475 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,304 They sent me home-- 476 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:31,597 a home I hadn't seen 477 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:32,682 since I left. 478 00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:36,227 - Whoa, bonus secret... 479 00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:37,937 - What do you mean "bonus secret"? 480 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,105 What's the first secret? 481 00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:41,941 - Nothing. So just so it's clear, 482 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,651 you were banished from New Utopia 483 00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,486 for being handsome, and you went to New York City, 484 00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,363 where you hit your head and forgot medical school? 485 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:49,115 Is that correct? - It is. 486 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:52,535 But why are you recounting my personal story all enunciated 487 00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:53,786 and facts-like? 488 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,580 - I just have one last question. 489 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:57,915 You weren't actually banished, were you? 490 00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,959 I saw the tape--gotcha moment! 491 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,544 - Hey, how long has that been on? 492 00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:02,920 - Since you let your guard down. 493 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,381 - But--but-- the interview was over! 494 00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,633 - Nuh-uh, I just got to know you better 495 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,677 as a journalist-- and maybe more-- 496 00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:11,095 and now, everyone in town's 497 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,555 gonna get to know you better too 498 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,098 and that your criticism of the cult 499 00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:16,267 is because you were sad that my dad didn't think 500 00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:18,519 you were pretty enough. 501 00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:19,896 - This is off-the-record. 502 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,731 - Oh, sweetie, 503 00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:25,067 you have to say that before you start crying. 504 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,653 [dramatic pop music playing] 505 00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,405 - [grunting] 506 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,199 - Ooh, ah, okay. [sighs] 507 00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:32,408 I think I'm done. 508 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,702 ♪ ♪ 509 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,871 Well? What do you think? 510 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:38,706 - I think you're in love with Bandit. 511 00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:40,499 - What? No. 512 00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,710 [gasps] Oh, my God. 513 00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,337 This isn't journalism-- 514 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,589 it's hot! 515 00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:49,926 - Well, at least one decent thing came out of today. 516 00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:51,594 What do you think of the barn, Hydrangea? 517 00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:53,221 [magical shing] - I think you're in love 518 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:54,555 with Petey. - What? 519 00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:55,681 Where'd you get that from? 520 00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:59,143 ♪ ♪ 521 00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:02,021 Oh, no, my feelings! 522 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,273 They're all over this barn! 523 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:05,358 - Mm. 524 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,736 [suspenseful music] 525 00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,363 - [grunting] 526 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:11,989 - [grunting] 527 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:18,913 ♪ ♪ 528 00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:27,672 both: Oh, no! 529 00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:29,006 - Now what's my article? 530 00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:30,716 - Now what's my barn? 531 00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:34,345 - I wanted to do an exposé about Bandit, 532 00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:36,389 not myself, and now I have no story, 533 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,015 and I'm on a deadline-- 534 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:38,933 again. 535 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,062 - It's probably not safe to reveal unprocessed trauma 536 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,981 to a journalist who's desperate for a story, 537 00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:46,482 but I gotta tell you something. 538 00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:49,068 - Just say it fast so I can't get an angle. 539 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,027 - [quickly] I was one of your father's wives. 540 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,070 - [gasps] 541 00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:55,992 - Can you please say something? 542 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,076 - Yeah. 543 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,578 Um-- [clears throat] 544 00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,870 Did you ever 545 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,205 do my dad? 546 00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:02,832 - Ew--no. We got married, 547 00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:03,958 and he immediately died. 548 00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:05,418 - [sighs] Phew. 549 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:06,460 That does help. 550 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:07,920 Blah. Okay. - Good, okay. 551 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:08,921 - Okay. 552 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,006 - Okay. 553 00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:12,133 - Now, if you will excuse me, 554 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,884 I have a magazine to publish. 555 00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,428 [rock music playing] 556 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,470 - Okay. 557 00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:19,599 - So Bernadette, tell me-- 558 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,268 how was Holland? 559 00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:24,103 - Is this cheering you up? 560 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,314 - It is. You're a really good friend. 561 00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:28,065 Wait, you're my friend. 562 00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:29,984 So that means I made a friend, 563 00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,944 which makes it okay that Petey made a friend, 564 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,113 because friends can have friends! 565 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,200 - Mae Mae. You okay? 566 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,660 - Oh, shh, shush. 567 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,413 It was the moment I'd been waiting for. 568 00:18:42,413 --> 00:18:46,042 [romantic music] 569 00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,877 Oh... 570 00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:49,337 - Hey, hi, 571 00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:50,379 can you clean the fridge? 572 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,464 It [bleep] stinks. 573 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,549 - [sighs] 574 00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:56,469 Mercy, me, I wasn't a young hottie. 575 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,304 I was a fridge cleaner. 576 00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,388 - Aww. 577 00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:00,348 [door clicks shut] 578 00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:03,225 - Hey, Petey, 579 00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:05,186 I know we've been in a big fight all day. 580 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,896 - I fully forgot you were here. 581 00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,356 - But thanks to my new friend, Gene, 582 00:19:08,356 --> 00:19:10,024 I learned a lot-- 583 00:19:10,024 --> 00:19:12,151 like that it's possible to get friend-zoned by a sex doll. 584 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,778 - Did he propose? 585 00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:16,155 Well, if not in Holland, when? 586 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,324 - But also, I learned it was wrong of me 587 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:20,743 to burn down your house and steal your fiancé. 588 00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:22,119 Now you apologize. 589 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:23,537 - [sighs] Okay. 590 00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,373 Me sorry for make baby 591 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:26,874 get tone-tone. 592 00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,542 You my friend from before, 593 00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:30,961 and now I different girl. 594 00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,338 - You growth. 595 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,756 That's a strong. 596 00:19:33,756 --> 00:19:36,342 - [laughs] You a stinky. 597 00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,760 - [laughing] We a joke. 598 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,512 [laughter] 599 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:42,223 both: We friend. 600 00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:43,432 - The [bleep] was that? 601 00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:46,310 - Hi, New Utopia. 602 00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:47,520 Welcome to the very first issue 603 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,188 of "Petey's Knee." 604 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,773 I wanted to revive this magazine 605 00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:51,857 so I could make it better 606 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:52,900 than my father's. 607 00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,235 But the only thing I needed 608 00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,320 to make better was myself. 609 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,406 This magazine is a work in progress, 610 00:19:58,406 --> 00:19:59,615 but so am I, 611 00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,075 and so is this town, 612 00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:02,910 and so are my friendships, 613 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,161 and so is this sentence. 614 00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:05,746 [goat bleats] But that's okay. 615 00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:07,415 It takes time to figure out 616 00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:08,833 the right way to do things, 617 00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:11,001 and it takes time to make a new magazine. 618 00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:12,837 I hope you learn a little bit about me, 619 00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:14,422 but also, I hope you learn 620 00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:17,341 a little bit about yourselves. 621 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:19,218 - Wow. 622 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,762 That was worse than her daddy's. 623 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,889 Thank God I didn't learn anything about myself. 624 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,224 - You dodged a bullet. 625 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,309 [acoustic music] 626 00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:29,520 - [sighs] Wow, I did 627 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,106 a really good job today. 628 00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:35,192 I mean, did I maybe bend my ethics a little bit? 629 00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:36,694 Sure-- 630 00:20:36,694 --> 00:20:38,696 and am I still bending them right now? 631 00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:40,865 Absolurtly. 632 00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:43,117 Every great journalist knows 633 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:45,494 that when a hunk shows you his yum gutters, 634 00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:47,371 you save two copies. 635 00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:48,456 [sighs] 636 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:51,041 And that's journalism.