1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,630 - Well, it looks like the cult is broke again. 2 00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:06,048 So we need to figure out 3 00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:07,925 how to use our country resources 4 00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:10,677 to convince outsiders to give us their money 5 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:13,180 without forcing them into a doomsday community 6 00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,181 they can never leave. 7 00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:15,557 - We need to? 8 00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:17,643 - Yes. I need you as a partner. 9 00:00:17,643 --> 00:00:18,894 - Partners? 10 00:00:18,894 --> 00:00:20,270 I hope going into business together 11 00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:21,813 doesn't affect our personal lives, 12 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,732 like it did in that one episode of "City [bleep]." 13 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,486 - This is the one where we start a business together. 14 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,446 - And it's affecting our personal lives. 15 00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:31,573 - And me, I'm just sucking a D. 16 00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:32,950 - And I'm the lawyer one. 17 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:34,910 Ah! [laughter] 18 00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:35,911 - God, I love that show. 19 00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,162 - Let's strategize. 20 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,164 What resources does this place have? 21 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,708 - Well, we've got an idyllic country location, 22 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,919 several beautiful barns that hold a few hundred, 23 00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:46,755 a captive audience who loves tradition-based celebrations, 24 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:49,007 musicians, mason jars, a bunch of people 25 00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:50,467 who are great at giving speeches, 26 00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,719 and outdoor bathrooms that can really take a beating. 27 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,554 - That's it. 28 00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:57,015 - Barn. wedding. porn? 29 00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,183 - Dot com was taken. 30 00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,601 City people are obsessed 31 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,270 with finding a Gram-worthy barn 32 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,521 in the middle of nowhere to marry 33 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:03,855 their nothing boyfriends in. 34 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,190 So why not here? 35 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,275 What do you think? 36 00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:07,734 - I mean, I think it's perfect. 37 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,570 Weddings here are-- they're a little different. 38 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,488 [dramatic chanting] 39 00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:13,073 [goat bleating] 40 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,117 But I'm not cloistered like these other cult weirdos. 41 00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:16,743 Growing up, I had a secret TV, 42 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,579 so I know how normal people do weddings. 43 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:19,913 - The only weird thing about this wedding 44 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,123 should be how good it is. 45 00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,332 Anyway, you already run a bar, 46 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:23,792 so you can head up food and bev. 47 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,252 And I can take care of schmoozing the city dummies 48 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,379 and curating the high-quality upcharge packages. 49 00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:28,672 We should have a few weeks to prep. 50 00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:30,841 Holy crap, someone booked it for tomorrow. 51 00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:32,676 - Wow, the couple is from New York. 52 00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:34,595 Do you know them? - New York's a pretty big town. 53 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,888 I'm not just gonna randomly know-- [gasps] 54 00:01:36,888 --> 00:01:38,765 - Hey, I know him. That's Brian. 55 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,684 That's the guy you made us make fake Instagram accounts 56 00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:42,185 and write mean comments on all his posts for. 57 00:01:42,185 --> 00:01:43,312 Oh, shit. 58 00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:44,730 Weren't you two engaged? 59 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:46,982 - [screams] 60 00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,943 [upbeat music] 61 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:53,322 ♪ ♪ 62 00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:56,283 [quirky folk music] 63 00:01:56,283 --> 00:02:03,248 ♪ ♪ 64 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,712 [sobbing] 65 00:02:08,712 --> 00:02:10,255 - You okay? 66 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,132 - Yeah, I screamed it all out, and I'm fine now. 67 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,300 So let's plan a wedding 68 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:16,053 for my ex-fiancé who cheated on me. 69 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,763 - Okay, champ, while you were screaming, 70 00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:19,890 I did make a plan, which does involve a clipboard 71 00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,433 and a Britney Spears mic. - Perf. 72 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,393 And it makes total sense that Brian and his fiancée 73 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,646 would book our barn and get the guys' girl package. 74 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,064 I knew that was a good add-on. 75 00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:28,273 - Which one is that again? 76 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:29,232 - The all-inclusive wedding package 77 00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:30,567 for brides who don't have 78 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,361 any female friends for whatever reason. 79 00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,613 We provide up to 12 bridesmaids. 80 00:02:34,613 --> 00:02:36,365 It's the kind of amenity that sets us apart 81 00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:38,158 from other barns. 82 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,910 - Should we focus on making your ex jealous 83 00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:41,828 or doing a good job with our business? 84 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:42,954 - We could do both. 85 00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:44,456 Women are great at multitasking. 86 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,875 First, we need to make this town seem normal-- 87 00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:48,377 normal wedding normal. 88 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:50,629 Like in Colonial Williamsburg, you see butter churning. 89 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:52,464 You don't see, like, typhus. 90 00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:53,965 We're leading with country forward 91 00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:55,342 and cult nowhere. 92 00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:57,219 - Oh, so zero cult traditions? 93 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,054 Because some of them are kind of nice. 94 00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:00,180 [upbeat music] 95 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,973 Hey, I love this guy! 96 00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:02,933 Get 'em, Tortie. 97 00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:04,643 Whoo! 98 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:07,062 - I think people will really respond to the country part 99 00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:09,481 if we can hide the other stuff. 100 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,732 New Yorkers are super judgy. 101 00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:12,609 - Oh, right, like on TV shows. 102 00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:14,945 - Right. Now let's give out some jobs. 103 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:17,072 crowd: Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! 104 00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,991 - Citizens of New Utopia, there is going to be 105 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:23,662 a wedding here with guests from New York City. 106 00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:24,871 - New York City? 107 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,706 - That's right, Incredulous Cowboy. 108 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:28,250 A lot needs to get done in one day. 109 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,418 And if we do it right, 110 00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:30,836 we could get great word of mouth 111 00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:32,087 and lots more money. 112 00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:33,839 So it's all hands on deck. 113 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:37,926 [quietly] I thought that was an applause line. 114 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,302 - Just catch your breath. 115 00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:42,556 Anyway, each person will be assigned a job. 116 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:43,557 - Whoa! 117 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:44,850 [cheering] 118 00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:47,144 - And each job is important. 119 00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:49,938 [cheering] 120 00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:51,648 - You, the former yoga teacher, 121 00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:53,567 you have a front-of-house face and body. 122 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,152 You'll run coat check. 123 00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,611 You, the yuppies who fled 124 00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:58,280 various large cities to come here, 125 00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,739 you'll pass out apps and make 126 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:02,075 light, city-appropriate banter with the guests. 127 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,785 And where are my wives at? 128 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,662 - Hi Petey. Way ahead of you. 129 00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,873 You'd like us to spit on Wendy? 130 00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:09,958 - Close. You're gonna be bridesmaids. 131 00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,210 - Brides...maids. 132 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:14,546 So we all marry him and then we clean? 133 00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:15,922 - No, it's nothing weird. 134 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,674 You just wake up at 5:00 a. m., 135 00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:20,051 watch nine people slowly get their makeup done. 136 00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:22,471 You bankrupt yourself going to Nashville or New Orleans 137 00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:23,930 until you hate the bride. 138 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,557 - I think I'm from Nashville. 139 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,225 - And you all wear the same dress 140 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:29,144 while one woman yells at you and expects you 141 00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:30,687 to blindly obey her every demand. 142 00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:31,730 You think you can do that? 143 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,231 - That sounds great. 144 00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:34,566 - Spit on me too. - Super! 145 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,234 - Great. And that's everyone. 146 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,361 - What about us wackadoos? 147 00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:40,697 - Right, you guys. 148 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,240 - Go get pine cones. 149 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,951 - But the pine trees are really f--[gasps] 150 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,329 Go get pine cones. 151 00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,956 - Pine cones! 152 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,041 - Thank you for leaving 153 00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:52,751 the most important job for last. 154 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,085 What should I do? 155 00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:55,837 Prepare the blood chalice or the bone throne? 156 00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:56,880 Oh, what am I saying? 157 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,423 I'll find the sacred tortoise. 158 00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,592 Can't have a wedding without the sacred tortoise. 159 00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:03,261 - Oh, actually Mae Mae, I think me and Eliza have it covered. 160 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:06,181 But you can, um, hand out welcome gifts at the hotel. 161 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:08,975 That would be super helpful. 162 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,769 [dramatic music] 163 00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:13,021 - Once again, the great daughter 164 00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,190 has forgotten the elders. 165 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:18,151 - Does she not know that we tear up the dance floor? 166 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:22,155 - She'll see how fun we are when we crash the wedding. 167 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,242 - We love wedding crashers, the movie and the concept. 168 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:26,326 - Although we've never seen the movie. 169 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,369 - I've seen it. 170 00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:28,495 - No you haven't. 171 00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,914 Beware us! 172 00:05:30,914 --> 00:05:33,500 [twangy country music] 173 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:36,336 ♪ ♪ 174 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,963 - Bob's team said they were gonna take care of it. 175 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:39,589 Sorry, conference call. 176 00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:42,676 - Conference call. - Conference call. 177 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,094 - I used to be the one mouthing "conference call," 178 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,513 and now I'm the one being mouthed "conference call" to. 179 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:49,307 This wedding has to rock their stupid asses. 180 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,017 - All of their asses, or just your ex? 181 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,394 'Cause I need to plan. 182 00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:54,312 - I can't believe I almost married that loser. 183 00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:55,814 Ugh, poor Amy. 184 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,440 I bet I'll feel bad for her when I meet her. 185 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,276 - No way. She for sure sucks. 186 00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:01,486 80 comet bucks says she does a slow dance with her dad. 187 00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:03,405 - Like that episode of "City [bleep]." 188 00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:06,199 [saccharine music] 189 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,076 - Ugh, yikes. 190 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,661 - And I'm the lawyer. 191 00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:10,912 [laughter] 192 00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:13,373 - And I'm just sucking a D. 193 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,833 both: God, I love that show. 194 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,377 - Wife Beth, you look cute, which is wrong. 195 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,587 You should look good in pictures 196 00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,755 but terrible in real life. Bigger eyelashes. 197 00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:21,840 - On it. 198 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,135 - I mean, what is this? 199 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,095 Doling out bags of tiny Pedialyte 200 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,222 and sachets of seeds from local flowers. 201 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,016 I'm tired of being pushed aside. 202 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:32,017 I don't have a job. 203 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,268 I don't have a purpose. 204 00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:34,895 I could just die. 205 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:38,189 - Now it's a wedding, at least where I come from. 206 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:40,025 I'm Aunt Maxine. Whose aunt? 207 00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,026 Who cares? 208 00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,152 [laughs] 209 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,236 - Wow. 210 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,325 - ♪ I took a ride ♪ 211 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,993 - [gasps] 212 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,745 - ♪ On the side ♪ 213 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,039 ♪ Of the swan ♪ 214 00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:57,000 ♪ Ee ♪ 215 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,710 - Petey, snap out of it, 216 00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:00,629 because your ex-fiancé and his new fiancé 217 00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:01,921 are trying to say hi. 218 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,423 - Hi, I'm Amy. 219 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,883 Oh, you know this guy. 220 00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:06,384 Anyway, we need a shower. 221 00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:08,803 There's so much dirt here. I love it. 222 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,263 - Remember how you were gonna help make 223 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,307 my ex jealous at his wedding? - Already all over it. 224 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:14,517 - You hired me a hot escort as a fake date? 225 00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:16,102 You did watch TV! 226 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,896 - [groaning] 227 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,775 - So this isn't a job. Who wants to work? 228 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:24,903 The thing about a rat race is, you're surrounded by rats. 229 00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:26,446 No thanks. 230 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,156 [laughs] Here you go. 231 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,741 It's got seeds. Who cares? 232 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:30,825 I'm retired and loving it. 233 00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:32,535 Now you try. 234 00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,454 - Here you go. It has Pedialyte. 235 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,747 I've become obsolete. 236 00:07:35,747 --> 00:07:37,999 I'm a Rolodex. I'm an iPod. 237 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:40,001 Bury me in the ground where no one can find me, 238 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:41,586 then throw me in the trash. 239 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:44,089 - Oh Mae Mae, so your working days are over. 240 00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:45,465 Embrace it. 241 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,676 The opposite of working is living. 242 00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,302 Say, do you know where a couple of older gals 243 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,554 can have a little fun? 244 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:52,722 [chatter] 245 00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:54,432 - Nice cornhole! 246 00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:55,767 - So excited. - Blech. 247 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,644 I hope my date is better than these groomsmen. 248 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:58,812 [motorcycle revving] 249 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,106 [rock music] 250 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:02,691 - ♪ Yeah, uh ♪ 251 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:04,150 ♪ You're like a handgun 252 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:05,777 ♪ And you're going against a cannon ♪ 253 00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:08,655 ♪ Yeah ♪ 254 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,865 - Someone order the "make your ex jealous 255 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,992 at his wedding" package? 256 00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,035 - Ugh. 257 00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:15,912 - Oh, that Bandit. 258 00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:19,040 - You're the escort for my ex's wedding? 259 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,291 Ugh, no. 260 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:22,293 - I believe in serving my community. 261 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:25,255 Even low-life, terrible, cult scum-- 262 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:28,007 sexy, gorgeous, captivating, 263 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:30,635 French-adjacent, no-pore smoke shows. 264 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:31,970 [smooching] 265 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,596 - Ooh! 266 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,098 Fine. 267 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:37,267 I expect you to be the ideal wedding date. 268 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,519 You should be at my side but not afraid to mingle. 269 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,187 Look hot, but keep the focus on me. 270 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:42,605 And when my feet hurt at the end of the night, 271 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:43,898 give me-- - Slow your horses now. 272 00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:45,483 This ain't my first rodeo. 273 00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:47,402 How's about you let me take the reins? 274 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:48,862 - Ugh, horse metaphors. 275 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,572 - Women love horses. 276 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:52,991 [upbeat country music] 277 00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:56,870 ♪ ♪ 278 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,456 - Emmett, remember that this should be flavorless and wet. 279 00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,875 The salad can't taste good or be healthy. 280 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,085 The meat slice should be resting atop two green beans, 281 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,503 and I want it all lukewarm. Go! 282 00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:06,546 Go! Go! 283 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:07,589 - I love love! 284 00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:08,506 [laughs] 285 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,426 - Hey, Amy. 286 00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,011 Sorry your bridal suite is a hay loft. 287 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,304 Is that too rustic? 288 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:15,764 - [rasping] It's exactly what I wanted! 289 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:16,848 - Ah! 290 00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:18,058 Oh, great. 291 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,559 Is that your voice? 292 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,478 - [normally] No, I'm just excited. 293 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,688 I'm marrying the person you were supposed to marry. 294 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:24,939 Isn't that funny? 295 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,316 What a crazy coincidence 296 00:09:26,316 --> 00:09:27,859 that we booked your barn. 297 00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:30,195 I guess the universe wanted you to watch it happen! 298 00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:33,031 - Yeah. [laughs] Thanks, universe. 299 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,033 [forced laughter] 300 00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:37,035 - Anyway, I know things didn't quite work out 301 00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:38,995 between you and Brian. So sad. 302 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:40,705 But I just wanted to say thank you 303 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:41,915 for getting him ready for me. 304 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,249 He's so wonderful now. 305 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,335 Isn't that so funny? 306 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,711 - Hey babe, you're crushing it. 307 00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:47,712 I got you some snacks. 308 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,255 God, you're hot. 309 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,590 Who's this? 310 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,550 You must be the groom's sister. 311 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:55,512 - Bandit, this is the bride, Amy. 312 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,514 - Oh right, she's marrying her cousin? 313 00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:59,390 - No, my ex. 314 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,391 You're silly. 315 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:01,434 - [clears throat] 316 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,519 And how did you two meet? 317 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,604 Probably online or a dumpster. 318 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,690 - We met, um, surfing. 319 00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:10,068 - On a veranda in the south of France 320 00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,654 at a big rich person party. 321 00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,656 Her perfume wafted toward me. 322 00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:17,742 My pheromones wafted toward her. 323 00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:20,328 And we wafted each other all night long. 324 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,788 - [sighs] 325 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,581 - I'm gonna help Gam Gam sign the guestbook. 326 00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,458 - Oh. [giggles] Get out of here. 327 00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:29,170 - Hey Petey, I hate to put you on the spot, 328 00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,172 but would you be my maid of honor? 329 00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:32,507 - Whoa, really? Why? 330 00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:33,716 - Or matron of honor. 331 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,051 I don't know how old you are. 332 00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:36,427 So I don't have a ton of female friends. 333 00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:38,054 No idea why. 334 00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:41,057 And I want you to be next to me when I marry Brian. 335 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,684 You'll be the second most important person 336 00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:44,227 at this wedding because you were 337 00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:46,813 the second most important person to him. 338 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,064 Does that make sense? 339 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:50,400 - Oh. Uh, I don't know. 340 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,985 - [rasping] It was included in the package! 341 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,236 - Ah! 342 00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,029 - This is my own proprietary blend, 343 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:57,073 sure to cause gastric distress. 344 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,616 If I'd had a little more time to prepare, 345 00:10:58,616 --> 00:10:59,951 I'd have put it in the dressing, 346 00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:02,203 but it works the same sprinkled on top. 347 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,622 If I get everyone sick, they'll need my help. 348 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,541 And if the people with jobs get sick, 349 00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:08,042 I'll get all the jobs. 350 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,502 - You can't be serious. 351 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,087 When I said have some fun, I meant 352 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:12,922 do something that brings you pleasure, 353 00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,049 not poison a salad bar for work. 354 00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:16,718 - But scheming to me feels orgasmic. 355 00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,094 And I should know. 356 00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:19,721 I've been in plenty of orgies, the thing 357 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:22,599 where a dozen women focus on one man. 358 00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,767 - Honey, you need to stop thinking about others 359 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,769 and think about what you need. 360 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:29,147 When I was forced to retire by my large company 361 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,857 simply for not wanting to use the computer, 362 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,358 I took it hard, too, 363 00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:33,943 but then, one day, I opened my eyes, 364 00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,613 and do you know what I discovered? 365 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,781 The world is my oyster! 366 00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,701 [uplifting music] 367 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,702 [both gasp] 368 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,870 - Oh! 369 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:44,996 [laughs] 370 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:48,666 ["Pachelbel's Canon" playing] 371 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:52,003 - The mixing of sand signifies the mixing 372 00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,172 of both of our lives. 373 00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,465 - Oof. Ugh. 374 00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,969 - And now, for the first time, 375 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,847 please welcome Mr. and Mrs.-- 376 00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:04,641 ah, you know their name. 377 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:06,226 Don't we all know their name? 378 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,686 [applause] 379 00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:12,815 [romantic music] 380 00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:17,820 ♪ ♪ 381 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,072 - [whispering] You are embarrassing me. 382 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,657 - Well, enough of that. 383 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,492 Let's do a couple's dance. 384 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,869 Specifically that couple. 385 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:27,247 - ♪ When you can't let go ♪ 386 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,123 ♪ I'm in control ♪ 387 00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:32,961 ♪ I'm on it so ♪ 388 00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:34,754 - Where did you learn to dance? 389 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:35,964 - Your dad. 390 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,548 The first five cult scout badges 391 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:40,426 were all in ballroom dance. 392 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:43,304 - ♪ Making you so high you won't go down ♪ 393 00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:45,098 [crowd exclaims] - Oh. 394 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,809 ♪ ♪ 395 00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:50,979 - Let's dance, dad. 396 00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:52,605 - Pretend to faint. 397 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,274 [gasps] 398 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,358 Shut the music! 399 00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,568 Babe, are you okay? 400 00:12:57,568 --> 00:13:01,197 The most jealousy-inducing thing a woman can do... 401 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:02,782 - Is be attended to after fainting. 402 00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:05,910 - Brian, what the F? 403 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,620 Why are you attending to her? 404 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,955 [sobbing] 405 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,125 - [sobbing] 406 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,003 [melancholy music] 407 00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:16,379 ♪ ♪ 408 00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,673 - Hey girl, everything okay? 409 00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:21,509 - Don't look at me with your perfect life 410 00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:22,844 and hot boyfriend, 411 00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:24,887 this business with your best friend. 412 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:26,556 Your hair is always moving. 413 00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:29,767 I'm so jealous I could [bleep] die. 414 00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:30,977 - Oh! 415 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,437 Well, don't want that. 416 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:35,606 I know my life may look perfect, but it's not. 417 00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:36,607 - Really? 418 00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:37,817 - Yeah. 419 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:38,985 I mean, I feel out of place here. 420 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,070 They have all these freaky traditions. 421 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:42,488 I swear, every time I turn around, 422 00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,323 they're doing something random and insane. 423 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:46,451 [both laugh] 424 00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:48,161 - Talking shit about other people 425 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,288 made me feel really close to you. 426 00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:51,372 You rock, Petey. 427 00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:52,623 - Hey, look at you. 428 00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,375 You came here with no female friends, 429 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:55,793 and you're leaving with one. 430 00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:05,303 - There's a pine cone! 431 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,513 There's another pine cone! 432 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:08,639 - Oh. 433 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:09,682 Could it be? 434 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,940 - No one tells me what to do. 435 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:20,151 I can put ice cubes in my wine, 436 00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:21,569 wine in my coffee, 437 00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:22,987 coffee up my butt! 438 00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:26,074 [both laugh] 439 00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:28,326 - Oh, I love that you can say "butt." 440 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:29,494 [laughs] 441 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:30,578 - That's nothing. 442 00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:32,580 Let's kick this up a notch. 443 00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:35,374 Come on, live a little. 444 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:37,877 Take that, computers. 445 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,796 - I'm yelling for me. 446 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:40,838 Butt! 447 00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:44,008 [both laughing] 448 00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:45,510 - Hey, watch it, grandma. 449 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:46,886 - Buddy, I'm not a grandma. 450 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,930 I'm a childless aunt. 451 00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:51,349 It's our world. You're just living in it. 452 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,937 - Oh, the sacred tortoise is back. 453 00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,313 This will be fun. 454 00:14:57,313 --> 00:15:00,149 I know what fun is now because of you. 455 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,319 - What's that noise? 456 00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,404 [laughs] 457 00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:07,240 - The elders have crashed. 458 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,742 - We're doing the thing from the movie. 459 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,994 - Vince Vaughn forever! 460 00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,580 [men cheering] - Vince Vaughn forever! 461 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:15,581 - Corn hole. 462 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,250 - Oh, no. - [gasps] 463 00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:22,004 - We have found all the pine cones! 464 00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:24,257 - And we found something better. 465 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:28,052 - ♪ The sacred tortoise ♪ 466 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,763 - The sacred tortoise has returned? 467 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,141 all: Now it's a wedding. 468 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:35,101 - You can see it. 469 00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:36,602 It's the tortoise! 470 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:37,937 Shake it, shake it, shake it! 471 00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:40,481 - Oh, my God. 472 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,482 What is this? 473 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,984 Eliza, fix it! 474 00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:44,193 - No way. 475 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,319 The tortoise is back! 476 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,363 ♪ You can feel it ♪ 477 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:48,906 all: It's the tortoise! 478 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,199 Shake it, shake it, shake it! 479 00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:51,868 - What the eff is going on? 480 00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:53,703 - The sacred tortoise has been found. 481 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:56,455 It's a symbol of peace and love that went missing years ago. 482 00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:58,207 - Eliza, what the hell are you doing? 483 00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:00,126 - I know I'm blasé about most things, 484 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,794 but this is just fun. 485 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,379 Come on, let's dance. 486 00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,047 [laughter] 487 00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:06,841 - Oh my God, you were right. 488 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,676 These people are weird. 489 00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:09,677 Like, look at her. 490 00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:11,721 She's, like, so happy. 491 00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:13,431 Agree with me fast or I'll tell people back home 492 00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:14,557 you are weird too. 493 00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:15,600 [both laugh] 494 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:16,517 - Yes. 495 00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,689 Eliza, wait. 496 00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:25,151 - Want some sexy punch, sexy? 497 00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:27,695 - Eliza, I know I shouldn't have laughed at you, 498 00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:30,781 but why were you doing that tortoise thing? 499 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,242 - Not every religious person is the same amount of religious. 500 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,493 You have a Christmas tree. 501 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:35,494 Do you go to mass on Good Friday? 502 00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:36,746 No. 503 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,080 And I learned that 504 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,624 from the Lent episode of "City [bleep]." 505 00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:40,958 Don't cut to it. 506 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,127 - Behind. I'm coming through. 507 00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:44,837 - Why are they still working and how 508 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,922 is there this much soup? 509 00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:46,964 - We love soup. 510 00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:48,633 What, is that weird too? 511 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,760 - Actually, New York has several restaurants that-- 512 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,888 - Oh, my God, stop talking about New York. 513 00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:55,514 You people think you're the center of the universe, 514 00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:57,016 but you just look sad. 515 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,227 You should be embarrassed of your culture, not us. 516 00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:00,436 - Eliza-- - Sorry, 517 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:01,938 I have more soup to serve. 518 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,232 Behind! 519 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:05,942 - Petey, there you are. 520 00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:08,819 I had so much fun laughing at those freaks with you earlier. 521 00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:11,113 You're just in time for your speech about me. 522 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,823 - You want me to give a speech? 523 00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:14,033 - [rasping] It's included in the package! 524 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,409 - Ah! 525 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,165 Whoa. Hello, everyone. 526 00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:22,583 I'm Petey. 527 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:24,794 That was weird back there, huh? 528 00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,587 [laughter] 529 00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:30,132 But I want to ask you all, what isn't weird? 530 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,885 If you think about it, even normal weddings are weird. 531 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,012 Throwing rice at people's hair. 532 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:37,431 Taking off the bride's leg underwear 533 00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:39,392 and tossing it at her cousins. 534 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,477 - Nice. 535 00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:43,479 - Eating a full meal on your feet 536 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:47,525 and then sitting down for another full meal. 537 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:48,734 That's weird. 538 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,194 And marriage is weird. 539 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,654 [laughter] 540 00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:53,406 Promising the rest of your life to someone? 541 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,991 That makes no sense. 542 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,951 But that's what traditions are. 543 00:17:56,951 --> 00:17:59,328 They're doing something that makes no sense 544 00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:02,415 with the people you love because you love them. 545 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:05,084 It makes you feel like you're from somewhere, 546 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,711 like you're a part of something, 547 00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:08,588 even if that means doing a line dance 548 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:09,964 with a sacred turtle. 549 00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:10,923 - Tortoise. [laughter] 550 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,091 - Thank you. 551 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,134 Anyway, the point is, 552 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,760 it's not about what you do. 553 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,679 It's about who you do it with. 554 00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,306 And that's why I want to raise a glass 555 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:19,890 to the woman of the hour. 556 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:21,976 I haven't known her that long, but the truth is, 557 00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:24,812 she's my best friend. 558 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:26,522 Eliza. - What? 559 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:29,358 - Sure, she's a wackadoo, but so am I. 560 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:31,444 And the only thing better than one wackadoo 561 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:34,155 is two wackadoos. 562 00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:39,493 To the bride and groom, but mostly to this tortoise. 563 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,454 [cheering] 564 00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,710 - This is exactly why I don't have female friends. 565 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,714 - Oh, you don't bow to the tortoise, Petey. 566 00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:53,674 You have sex with it. - Really? 567 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,968 - [laughs] No. 568 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,803 [fireworks exploding] 569 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,098 - [laughing] 570 00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:04,060 [warm music] 571 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:08,272 ♪ ♪ 572 00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:09,398 - Congrats, Brian. 573 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:13,861 - Thank you for a lovely evening. 574 00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:15,237 [cash register sound] 575 00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:17,615 You self-centered, manipulative little-- 576 00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:19,659 - Can we--can we do this tomorrow, Bandit? 577 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:20,993 I'm tired. 578 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,161 And you did good today. 579 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,163 - Oh. Thanks. 580 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:27,375 Pleasure doing business. 581 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:28,959 Uh... - Oh. Okay. 582 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,378 Yeah. 583 00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:33,923 [soft country music] 584 00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:36,217 - I learned so much from you, Aunt Maxine, 585 00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,052 not all of it good. 586 00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:40,638 A lot of it scared me. 587 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,348 But that's part of the fun. 588 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:43,557 I know that now. 589 00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:44,850 - Don't work too hard. 590 00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:47,269 - I'll never forget you. 591 00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:48,437 Wow. 592 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,773 My first Jewish friend. - What? 593 00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:55,861 - ♪ Don't you forget about me ♪ 594 00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:59,990 ♪ I'll be alone dancing and you know it, baby ♪ 595 00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:03,703 ♪ Going to take you apart ♪ 596 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:07,748 ♪ I'll put us back together at heart, baby ♪ 597 00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:12,920 ♪ Don't you forget about me ♪ 598 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,297 ♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪ 599 00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:16,924 ♪ Don't you ♪ 600 00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:19,593 [music winds down] ♪ Forget about me ♪ 601 00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:24,932 [music winds up] ♪ As you walk on by ♪ 602 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:28,769 ♪ Will you call my name ♪ 603 00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:32,440 ♪ As you walk on by ♪ 604 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:38,362 ♪ Will you call my name ♪ 605 00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:40,781 ♪ La la la la ♪ 606 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,575 ♪ La la la la ♪ 607 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,201 ♪ La la la la ♪ 608 00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,620 ♪ La la la la la la ♪ 609 00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:48,247 ♪ La la la ♪ 610 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,124 ♪ La la la la ♪