1 00:00:00,792 --> 00:00:03,378 [phone buzzing] 2 00:00:03,378 --> 00:00:05,088 - Hey, birthday skank! 3 00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:06,632 Where are you? 4 00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:08,008 - Ella, I'm not coming. 5 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,468 I've moved, remember? 6 00:00:09,468 --> 00:00:11,386 And everyone here high-key worships me, 7 00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:12,763 so you have to figure my birthday's gonna be 8 00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:13,889 a huge holiday. 9 00:00:13,889 --> 00:00:15,432 - But if you're not here, 10 00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:17,976 who will take me to the ER when I get really hurt? 11 00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,978 - Ella, I know every year on my birthday, 12 00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:21,146 you get really hurt. 13 00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:24,149 - Physically. I injure my body. 14 00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:26,443 - I guess this year, maybe try not get hurt? 15 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,403 [gasps] Breakfast in bed? 16 00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:30,030 [laughs] No! 17 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,908 Mae Mae, stop. For me? For my birthday? 18 00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:34,618 Oh, don't! Oh, my God. 19 00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:36,745 Hmm. - Your father will explain. 20 00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:39,373 - [gasps] My father? 21 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,083 - Hi, Petey! 22 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,793 It's your birthday. 23 00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:46,255 So happy birthday! [laughs] 24 00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,048 And if I know Mae Mae, she left this tape 25 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,508 and ran like hell. 26 00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:52,261 There's some bad news you need to hear. 27 00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:53,845 - It's hard for me to hear what you're saying 28 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,514 before you blow out the candles. 29 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:56,890 - Don't worry about the candles. 30 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,059 In New Utopia, they celebrate 31 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,602 the day you were born, 32 00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:02,271 but it's not about you. 33 00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:03,814 - Oh, no. 34 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,649 - It's in honor of your mother 35 00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:08,026 and her journey to giving birth 36 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:11,029 in a holiday we call Crowning Day. 37 00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:12,239 - Uh, what? 38 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:13,657 - It's the result 39 00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:17,035 of a long-forgotten marital negotiation. 40 00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:20,205 There's a parade and an all-day variety show. 41 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:21,373 Your mother comes to town. 42 00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:23,000 - My mother comes to town? 43 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,169 - She sings, tells stories, a real triple threat. 44 00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:28,046 Wait, that's--that's two. 45 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:30,132 - Just blow out the candles, Dad. 46 00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:31,967 - Oh, she tells jokes at your expense. 47 00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:33,969 That's the third. [chuckles] 48 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:38,473 She really roasts you, but the crowd eats it up. 49 00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:40,058 - No! 50 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:43,061 - Happy Crowning Day, kid. 51 00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:44,479 Cake is ruined. 52 00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:45,856 - Crowning Day? 53 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:48,942 [horns blowing] 54 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,152 Hmm. 55 00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:52,946 [upbeat music] 56 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:56,325 ♪ ♪ 57 00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:58,160 [quirky folk music] 58 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,204 [crowd cheering] 59 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:04,666 ♪ ♪ 60 00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:06,043 [goat bleats] 61 00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:08,587 [goat screams] 62 00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:11,465 - So, Mae Mae, Crowning Day. 63 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:12,924 [laughs] Little curve ball. 64 00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:15,844 Did not realize my birthday would be a holiday 65 00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:18,263 that's not about me, but I can hang with that. 66 00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:19,598 I'm a grown-up. 67 00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:22,768 Don't need to be like, "Wah, my birthday!" 68 00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:26,438 That's--that's for being in your early-mid-20s. 69 00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:28,357 We can just do a small grown-up thing 70 00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:30,525 and be happy with that because there's nothing sadder 71 00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,569 than being sad on your birthday. 72 00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:36,406 The good news is, my mom is coming to town, which is good. 73 00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:38,325 So we can do dinner, which is great. 74 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:40,869 And maybe you could give me one of your incredible hugs. 75 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,537 It'll be perfect. It'll be perfect! 76 00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:45,165 Right, Mae Mae? 77 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,085 Oh, wow, I talked to a mop for a long time. 78 00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:50,712 - [laughs] I saw the whole thing! 79 00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:52,631 [laughs] 80 00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:55,592 [upbeat rock music] 81 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,886 - Last call for pregame alcohol. 82 00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,638 Relax your throat. 83 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:01,682 - Wow. Big day, huh? 84 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,392 - Yeah, Crowning Day. It's a huge holiday. 85 00:03:03,392 --> 00:03:04,643 People love it. 86 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,687 - Which also means it's someone's birthday. 87 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:07,729 - Oh, it's not my birthday. 88 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,648 - No, it's my birthday. 89 00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,274 - Oh, yeah. 90 00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:12,943 You were the baby's head. 91 00:03:12,943 --> 00:03:14,903 Wow. I never put that together. 92 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,780 That's wild. Good for you. 93 00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,824 Happy Crowning Day. - Thanks. 94 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:21,076 So I just learned my mom will be in town, 95 00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:22,828 and you're obviously my bestie, so I was thinking, 96 00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:24,579 after Crowning Day whatever wraps up, 97 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:26,415 that the three of us should have birthday dinner. 98 00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:28,500 - You want to spend your birthday with your mom? 99 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,795 - Eliza, this is grown-up birthday, city style. 100 00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:33,380 When your mom's in town, you go to dinner. 101 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:34,840 You bring your friends. Mom pays. 102 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,300 It's like--it's so standard, it's crazy. 103 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,219 - If you say so. 104 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,096 Anyway, thanks for the invite, 105 00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:43,265 but Crowning Day is usually my whole day. 106 00:03:43,265 --> 00:03:44,349 I'm super busy. 107 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,311 - Okay, bye. 108 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:52,065 Happy Crowning Day, everyone. 109 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,692 Hmm. 110 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,777 [crowd cheering] 111 00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:58,655 [gasps] My mom. 112 00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,532 - Hand in your signed NDA on the right. 113 00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:03,326 Get your ticket for today's show on the left. 114 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,829 - And so I said, "Well, well... 115 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,747 you don't deserve the third well." 116 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:09,583 [forced laughter] 117 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,209 - Mom, it's me, Petey. 118 00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,753 - Petey, so good to see you. 119 00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:18,341 Come into my dressing room and not out of my uterus. 120 00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:21,178 [forced laughter] - [laughs nervously] 121 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,221 Oh, I know today is a huge day for you, 122 00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:24,931 but I wanted to see if you're around 123 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:28,059 to get dinner later for my birthday. 124 00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:29,519 - I'm glad you're here, actually. 125 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:32,355 - [laughs] Really? You're glad I'm here? 126 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:33,857 - I need you to sign this. 127 00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,358 - A nondisclosure agreement? 128 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:37,694 - Don't act like you haven't seen one before. 129 00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:41,448 I need to create distance between myself and New Utopia. 130 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:44,659 You see, Petra, I'm from this town 131 00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,328 before it was a cult. 132 00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,455 - [gasps] So we're not Prussian? 133 00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,499 - All right. Well, it is your birthday. 134 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:53,794 So as a gift, I suppose I can give you a little backstory. 135 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,213 My birth name was Tammy Overalls. 136 00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:58,381 - Tammy Overalls. You know her? 137 00:04:58,381 --> 00:05:00,759 - So I do know an Overalls. 138 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,844 - I managed to climb my way out of the swamp 139 00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,263 and reinvent myself in Midtown Manhattan. 140 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:07,224 If the truth of my roots ever came out, 141 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:08,725 it would threaten my current life, 142 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,560 and I'd have to get my hair done in Connecticut 143 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:11,853 like Ruth Madoff. 144 00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:13,730 - [laughs weakly] 145 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,107 - So instead, I come to town every year 146 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:18,193 to put on a knock-your-socks-off, 147 00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:21,029 leave-it-all-on-the-stage cabaret, 148 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,615 in exchange for legally binding agreements from everyone 149 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:26,409 to never mention my association with New Utopia. 150 00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:29,371 Is it also fun for me? Sure. 151 00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:32,290 And since you live here now, I need one from you too. 152 00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:34,584 - So you want me to sign an NDA 153 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:36,336 because you're embarrassed of your past, 154 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,296 but not because of me? 155 00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:41,174 That's the nicest thing you've ever said. 156 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,635 [hums] 157 00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,595 So how about that dinner? 158 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,514 There's a really good mashed potato place 159 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,682 in Apple Bucket. 160 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,016 - Oh, honey, I would love to. 161 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,518 [scoffs] But I don't want to. 162 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:52,894 Every year, I get out of dodge 163 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:54,312 when the last one of these is signed. 164 00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:55,897 - [whimpers] 165 00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,357 - If you don't like it, you shouldn't have 166 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,192 been born on Crowning Day. 167 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,235 Is that anything? 168 00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:01,528 [forced laughter] 169 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:06,116 - Hey. Figured I'd catch the show. 170 00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:07,868 [chuckles] Should we sit together? 171 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:08,869 - Let me see your ticket. 172 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,036 Oh, your seat is so bad. 173 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,621 No, I'm good. Bye. 174 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,456 - [scoffs] Mae Mae! 175 00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,500 We sit together? You give me birthday hug? 176 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:16,877 - [hisses] 177 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,378 - Kay. 178 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,171 Well, this is just getting weirder and weirder. 179 00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:21,840 [cheers and applause] 180 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,259 - Oh, mama! 181 00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:25,427 [brassy music] 182 00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,554 Thank you very much. 183 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:32,934 ♪ ♪ 184 00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:34,185 They say motherhood is a gift. 185 00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:35,312 Well, I'll tell you what motherhood 186 00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:36,521 and gifts have in common-- 187 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:39,524 a box getting ripped apart. 188 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,610 [laughter] 189 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:45,488 [cheering and applause] 190 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:47,490 It took nine months to create my daughter, 191 00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:48,783 yet looking at her, 192 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,368 you'd think it took five minutes. 193 00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:53,246 [laughter] 194 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,457 - I don't think they realize she's talking about me. 195 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:57,167 They're not making the connection. 196 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,544 - Petey's like a work of art: I spent millions on her, 197 00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:00,962 she serves no purpose, 198 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,547 and Jerry Saltz of "New York Magazine" 199 00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,758 described her as a tacky piece of shit. 200 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,509 [laughter] - [gasps] What? 201 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,094 Nope. Nope. 202 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,554 No, no, no. 203 00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:11,139 No, no, no, no, no! No. 204 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,517 [exhales] Okay. 205 00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:17,187 My mom's roast jokes hurt worse than I was prepared for, 206 00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,314 and no one would even sit with me during it. 207 00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:22,525 So my mom and bestie dinner is clearly not happening. 208 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,778 My only option I have left for a grown and sexy birthday 209 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:27,072 is to find some rando to bang me out. 210 00:07:27,072 --> 00:07:28,990 - Oh. - [gasps] 211 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,033 - Mmm. 212 00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:32,827 - [purrs] That'll do. 213 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:35,664 - Well, if it's not the apple rolling away from the tree. 214 00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,916 What's the matter? Can't share the spotlight? 215 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,793 - I don't need a spotlight, I don't need a hug, 216 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,503 and I don't need my mom. 217 00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,505 - What do you need, princess? 218 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:46,549 - I need to get banged out. 219 00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,051 Like, now. 220 00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:49,427 [doorbell rings] [gasps] Ugh! 221 00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:51,221 - Did I hear someone needs to get banged out? 222 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:54,140 [laughs] Hi, Petey. I'm Polly. 223 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,850 Bandit's random girlfriend. 224 00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:57,977 So excited to meet you. 225 00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:59,020 Get in, loser. 226 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,814 We're going guy shopping. 227 00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,778 - So just to be clear, I wasn't saying 228 00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:08,321 I wanted to get banged out by you. 229 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,657 Ugh. [laughs] Just, like, in general. 230 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,034 And, um, since when do you have a girlfriend? 231 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,828 - Since recently. 232 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,038 We've been dating together, because I like her. 233 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,249 - Cool. Right. Congrats. 234 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:21,209 - Guys, we're going in. 235 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,795 Petey, are you so stoked? 236 00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:25,004 Get stoked. 237 00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,965 [rock music] - [gasps] 238 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:28,800 Yum. [engine revving] 239 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,093 [wolf howling] [woman moaning] 240 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:31,970 [gun cocking] [explosion booms] 241 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,597 Polly, what is this place? 242 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,975 - This is the hunky bar on the outskirts of town. 243 00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:38,643 It's where all the square-jawed hotties 244 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,645 got banished to when your dad got paranoid 245 00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,731 about not being the hottest man around. 246 00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:44,065 - [giggling] - Not all the hotties. 247 00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:45,900 Just the early bloomers. 248 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:48,361 - So you're really all right helping me out with this? 249 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,572 - Why not? We're buddies. 250 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:53,700 Fine friends. 251 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,494 - Just try to have a bad birthday in this place. 252 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,747 I've already put together some great options-- 253 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,999 really sketchy guys, up for anything. 254 00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,417 So scary. [laughs] 255 00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:04,502 - Time to make some mistakes. 256 00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:06,004 [laughter] - Come on, girl. 257 00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:07,255 [dramatic piano music] 258 00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,758 - So I picked myself up off the floor, 259 00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:11,509 and I said to myself, 260 00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:16,639 "You may have ruined my body and my life and my spirit, 261 00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:19,851 but you will never take my... ♪ Voice! ♪ 262 00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:22,312 [cheers and applause] 263 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,064 A one, a two, 264 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,191 a one, two, three, four. 265 00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:28,526 [grand music] 266 00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:30,570 Seven, eight! 267 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,739 [cheers and applause] 268 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,574 - [growls] 269 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,493 [indistinct chatter] 270 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,328 - Oof, I don't even know where to start. 271 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,330 Gosh, it's been so long 272 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,582 since I've been around a really hot guy. 273 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,417 - [scoffs] You ain't gonna make me jealous. 274 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,086 - She's not trying to, silly. 275 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,462 You don't have to do anything. 276 00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:48,963 I'm the "pear-fect" wingwoman. 277 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,548 - "Or, my gourd." 278 00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:53,009 I used to be the same way when I lived in the city. 279 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:55,970 - She's nothing like you. You're two different people. 280 00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:58,723 [whispering] I promised myself I wouldn't act crazy tonight. 281 00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:01,184 - Hmm? What? - Nothing. 282 00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:03,353 - Relax, Petey. I'm a pro. 283 00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:05,563 Because I make men feel funny and smart, 284 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,690 which gives them confidence to approach girls 285 00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:08,858 out of their league. 286 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,068 Watch. 287 00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,862 [upbeat music] 288 00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:14,364 - Hey, you dropped this. 289 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,741 - Oh, my God. I'm such a stupid klutz. 290 00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,785 - [laughs] No, you're not. 291 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,162 - I'm barely strong enough to hold a purse. 292 00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:23,081 - Oh, well, I'm strong enough to hold a purse. 293 00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,374 - Wow. 294 00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,542 Have you met my hot friend Petey? 295 00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:26,918 She is the coolest. 296 00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:29,462 Today's her birthday, and she's thirsty. 297 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:34,384 [both laugh nervously] 298 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:37,637 - I noticed the bottoms of your jeans are cramped. 299 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,222 Been under house arrest lately? 300 00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,515 - What--what are you talking about? 301 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:42,475 No, they're just too long. 302 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,019 - How about we call your parole officer and find out? 303 00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:47,230 - [stammering] Shut up. 304 00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,649 - Bandy, what's your problem? 305 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:52,026 - I know an ankle monitor indent when I see one. 306 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,486 That man was not safe! 307 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,072 - Babe, you're being so aggro and defensive 308 00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:57,490 of your hot platonic friend. 309 00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:58,867 Don't worry, Petey. 310 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:01,286 This wingwoman has more tricks up her sleeve. 311 00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:02,537 - ♪ Get it ♪ 312 00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:05,081 ♪ ♪ 313 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:08,710 - Your hair is like the finest bale of hay 314 00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:10,086 on a summer morning. 315 00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:11,087 - [giggles] - [growls] 316 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:12,255 - [scoffs] 317 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:17,510 - My childhood? Uh, not good. 318 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:20,388 - Mine wasn't either. 319 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:21,556 - [grunts] - Oh! 320 00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:22,974 - Oh, no. 321 00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:24,809 Oh, she just abandoned me like everybody else does. 322 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,978 Sure, sure. 323 00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:29,814 - [grunting] 324 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:31,900 So stupid. 325 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,693 - [gasps] Ooh. 326 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,069 - Okay, Bandit was right. 327 00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:37,488 Those other guys were too artsy and wounded. 328 00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:40,158 But this one-- - He's just a piece of meat. 329 00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:44,746 And I'm going to gnaw him to the bone. 330 00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:47,624 - ♪ Get it ♪ [distant cheering] 331 00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:50,293 - That's the sound of satisfaction. 332 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:51,419 [sighs] 333 00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:52,670 - We have a problem. 334 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,380 - I don't pay you to bring me problems. 335 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:55,673 What are you, my child? 336 00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:57,717 - Um, it's been brought to my attention 337 00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,344 that we are still missing one of 338 00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:01,137 the nondisclosure agreements. - Missing one? 339 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,472 I can't afford to be missing one. 340 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:03,723 Do you know what is on the line? 341 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,934 I won't have my past become a joke 342 00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,852 on the New York cocktail party circuit. 343 00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,687 Who's the holdout? 344 00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:11,481 - Yeah, it's pretty cool. 345 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,441 And I can eat whatever I want, so... 346 00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:16,110 - Wow, that's really hot. 347 00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,487 - Yay me! 348 00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:20,281 Score another win for the matchmaking queen. 349 00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:21,658 - [scoffs] He's too tall. 350 00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:23,576 That height's not normal. 351 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:26,162 It's not like I care, but that's serial killer tall. 352 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,456 - Why would a serial killer need to be tall? 353 00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,833 Bandit, you're acting like a jealous boyfriend, 354 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,710 but about Petey, your platonic friend. 355 00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,254 That is so funny. 356 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,380 I love comedy. 357 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,006 - Oh, I don't care. 358 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:39,509 I don't care about anything. 359 00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:42,553 Well, I care about justice, social movements, 360 00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:44,555 knowing when to pick up a rescue animal 361 00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:46,015 and when to leave it where it is-- 362 00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:47,350 - Yeah, yeah, I know, babe. 363 00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:49,310 I'm gonna celebrate this wingwoman win 364 00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,271 with a trip to the tinkle factory. 365 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:54,190 [rock music] 366 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,317 - Hey, you have something in your eye. 367 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,111 Let me get it. - [giggles] 368 00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,195 - It's an eyelash. 369 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,614 - [gasps] My hero. 370 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,658 - Hey, blow. 371 00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:04,659 - [blows] 372 00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:05,868 - Huh? Agh! 373 00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:07,203 [grunts] - [screams] 374 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:08,663 - Ah! Hey, what the frick? 375 00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:10,373 - Don't just tell her to blow! 376 00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:11,666 It's her birthday. 377 00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:15,211 - [gasps] No! 378 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,964 - I told myself I wasn't gonna act crazy tonight. 379 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,303 - You looking for this? 380 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,887 - What do you want, country mouse? 381 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:26,806 - I want you. - I'm flattered, 382 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,850 but I don't do my husband's sloppy seconds. 383 00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,643 - Unflatter yourself. 384 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,187 I need a favor. 385 00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:34,814 - [groans] Put me down, jerk. 386 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,650 You ruined my birthday sex plans. 387 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,569 - Selfish little cult leader doesn't even know 388 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:40,695 how to say thank you. 389 00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:41,988 - Thank you for what? 390 00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,407 I was doing just fine. Better than fine. 391 00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:46,117 So take me back. [thunderclap] 392 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:49,162 Oh, no. Oh, my birthday hair! 393 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,080 - Let's take shelter in one of my barns. 394 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,707 - "One" of your barns? 395 00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:54,250 - [grunts] - [gasps] 396 00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:55,626 My legs work, you know. 397 00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:59,422 [soft music] 398 00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:01,674 - [groans] 399 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,135 Believe it or not, this isn't even my craziest birthday. 400 00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,179 My birthday last year, we rented a yacht 401 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,472 in a forbidden lagoon, 402 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,766 a piranha took a chunk out of Ella's leg, 403 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:12,602 and we had to be airlifted out. [both laugh] 404 00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:14,979 Or the year before that, we rented a helicopter, 405 00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:17,231 and Ella fell out because she was twerking 406 00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:18,524 in front of the open door. 407 00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:20,026 It was so crazy. 408 00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,527 - Sounds exhausting. 409 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,905 - I mean, I didn't have birthday parties as a kid. 410 00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:26,115 My mom was never in town. 411 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:28,785 Oh, she was here. [sighs] 412 00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:30,787 - Crowning Day. - You get it. 413 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,330 Mae Mae was so tied up with the cult, 414 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:33,831 I'm sure your birthday sucked too. 415 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:36,667 - Oh, no, my mom went nuts on my birthday-- 416 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:40,588 petting zoo, moon bounce, real swords, the whole nine. 417 00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,924 Then she'd sob about how becoming a mom 418 00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,801 was the best thing that ever happened to her. 419 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,052 - Oh, wow. 420 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:49,138 Talk about salt in the wound. 421 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:51,140 - You know, 422 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:54,477 salt cures meat. 423 00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:57,647 - I never understood that process. 424 00:14:57,647 --> 00:14:59,690 How does it keep meat from spoiling? 425 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,401 - It reduces water activity. 426 00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:06,739 - But if you had to choose between curing and freezing-- 427 00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:09,742 - Freezing. 428 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,786 [sighs] I have a confession. 429 00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:13,454 I brought you here on purpose. 430 00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,289 - [scoffs] You orchestrated this? 431 00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:16,707 - I guess you could say that. 432 00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:18,042 - But why? 433 00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,585 [gasps] - [chuckles] 434 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,254 - I know you say you hate me, 435 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:25,091 but do you maybe opposite hate me? 436 00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:29,011 - [sighs] Maybe. 437 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,222 all: Surprise! 438 00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:32,598 [both gasp] 439 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,600 - Happy birthday, Petey! 440 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:35,977 - Oh, wow. 441 00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:37,812 You did this for me? 442 00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:39,981 - I did. Uh-huh. I got you, didn't I? 443 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:43,317 - So everything today was for the surprise? 444 00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:45,862 Bandit didn't do this to be alone with me? 445 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:48,823 It was all part of a birthday prank? 446 00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,449 - I have another surprise for you. 447 00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:51,659 - Darling, it's me. 448 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:54,745 ♪ Surprise ♪ 449 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:55,955 [all cheering] - [laughs] 450 00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:01,836 - Darling, I who birthed you salute you, 451 00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:05,464 and many returns of the day. 452 00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:08,009 This counts as dinner. 453 00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:10,261 Bah-dah! 454 00:16:10,261 --> 00:16:13,472 [all cheering] 455 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:18,144 - Is everything okay? 456 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,479 You don't seem very happy to see your mean mom. 457 00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:21,731 Isn't that what you wanted? 458 00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,024 - Yeah. 459 00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,942 I mean, I did. 460 00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,485 It seemed like a good idea at the time. 461 00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:27,778 - And so I said... 462 00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:29,197 - Well, thank you for getting her here, 463 00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,406 however you did it. 464 00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,325 - Light blackmail. You're welcome. 465 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,868 - That's really impressive. 466 00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:36,370 She is not easy to blackmail. 467 00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:38,664 - Uh, yeah. 468 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,750 - So just double-checking, when you were 469 00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:43,211 making me feel like shit, was that a Crowning Day thing? 470 00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:44,462 Or-- - Oh, yeah. 471 00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:45,630 That was bad, right? 472 00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,340 I've never thrown anyone a birthday party, 473 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,383 so I did what they do on TV. 474 00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,719 Get everyone to ignore you so you're really surprised 475 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:52,929 when the party happens. 476 00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,513 - You were really good at it. 477 00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:55,932 It's just-- [scoffs] 478 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:59,518 Today, everything-- and with my mom here-- 479 00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:02,188 you know, she is what she is. 480 00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:05,650 And I know she loves me... or something. 481 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,193 - Yeah. You know, I'm kind of surprised 482 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:08,527 you wanted to spend your birthday with her. 483 00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:09,904 Your mom's a lot. 484 00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:11,781 - Huh. She is, isn't she? 485 00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:13,366 - I mean, who am I to say? 486 00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,243 I grew up with some big personalities. 487 00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:17,161 But honestly, there's something that you don't seem 488 00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,705 to understand that I feel like you should know. 489 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:21,749 Your mom sucks. 490 00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:22,792 - Whoa. 491 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:24,627 She does, doesn't she? 492 00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:26,170 - I mean, she puts on a great show. 493 00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:27,964 Don't get me wrong. But she sucks. 494 00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:30,633 - My mom sucks. 495 00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:33,177 [laughing] Why does that feel like good news? 496 00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:34,220 - Exactly. 497 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,221 So did we do it? 498 00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,305 Are you happy? 499 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,474 - Oh, my God. 500 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,727 I am happy on my birthday. 501 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,062 [screams] [both laugh] 502 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,897 - Yes! 503 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:47,441 - Petey, happy birthday! 504 00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:49,026 Get in here, sweet girl. 505 00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,528 Take a hit of the good stuff. 506 00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:53,239 - [gasps] I've been waiting for this all day. 507 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:54,532 Yay! 508 00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:55,866 Mae Mae hug. 509 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,369 Ooh, I feel like a dog in a ThunderShirt. 510 00:17:58,369 --> 00:17:59,870 Where have you been all day? 511 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,414 - I'm so sorry. 512 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,833 I can't keep secrets, so I had to skedaddle. 513 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,626 - You can't keep secrets? 514 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,753 How was that possible working for my dad? 515 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:08,796 - Oh, no, silly. 516 00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,464 I mean fun secrets. 517 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,675 It's wicked secrets I eat for morning meal. 518 00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:14,176 - ♪ My voice ♪ [cheering] 519 00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:17,346 - Dear heart, what is that bag of bones doing here? 520 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:18,556 - Oh, she's here for my party. 521 00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:19,640 Eliza extorted her. 522 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,392 - Oh, that's nice. 523 00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:23,352 Good friend. 524 00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:26,105 - It's like being in a straitjacket who loves you. 525 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,192 - Thanks for your help with my surprise party. 526 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,361 It's really nice. 527 00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:34,989 You're a good...friend. 528 00:18:34,989 --> 00:18:36,073 - Thank you. 529 00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:39,744 You are...a friend to me... 530 00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:43,289 is how I think of you on your birthday. 531 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,791 - Oh, and I really hope things work out with Polly. 532 00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,293 I hope she's not mad. - Oh, my gosh, mad? 533 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,086 - [gasps] - Mad about what? 534 00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:52,173 Bandit was such a gentleman leaving me the truck. 535 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,799 He did take the keys, so I had to walk 536 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,009 8 miles back in the rain, 537 00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:57,178 but you know how men are, 538 00:18:57,178 --> 00:19:00,681 just so forgetful about the details. 539 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,893 I love when Bandit forgets me. 540 00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:06,145 It's our own fun little inside joke. 541 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,606 - You didn't ask me if you could have a party here. 542 00:19:08,606 --> 00:19:10,024 How'd you even know it'd be open 543 00:19:10,024 --> 00:19:11,734 or if she would even be here? 544 00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,319 - I didn't have to. I know you. 545 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,279 And I knew you'd find a way to get her alone today. 546 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:17,114 - Now it looks like I was in on it! 547 00:19:17,114 --> 00:19:19,408 - Isn't it better that it looks like you were in on it 548 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:22,870 versus the alternative? 549 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,872 - So let me get this straight. 550 00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:28,793 You left me to come hang out with Petey in this barn? 551 00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,461 I get it. It's her birthday. 552 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:32,963 I'll go wait in the truck. Come on, Hydrangea. 553 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,091 [dog growling] [laughs] 554 00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:36,801 Funny doggy. 555 00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,386 [growls] 556 00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:40,513 - Eliza, you're my best friend. 557 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,640 And you didn't even get hurt on my birthday. 558 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,100 - Make a wish, bitch! 559 00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,936 - Hmm, I... 560 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:48,562 hope my mom dies. 561 00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:50,523 - Whoa, okay! Pull it back. 562 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,482 - Yeah, okay. 563 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:55,528 - Ella, I know every year on my birthday, 564 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,196 you get really hurt. - Physically. 565 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,281 I injure my body. 566 00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:00,866 - ♪ Everybody move your body ♪ 567 00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,868 - Oh! 568 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,745 Oh, my tooth! 569 00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:06,414 My foot's in the hole! 570 00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:08,624 My orbital bone! 571 00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:10,876 Petey, help me look for my tooth! 572 00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:12,920 My left groin! 573 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:16,298 The mimosa went into my eye! 574 00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:18,926 My eye went into the mimosa! 575 00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:21,721 The police horse thinks my hair is hay! 576 00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:24,473 No, police horse, no! 577 00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:26,892 My lashes! 578 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,186 I burnt my tongue on an engine. 579 00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:31,480 Petey, there's an owl attacking me. 580 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,315 Petey! [owl screeching] 581 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:34,442 Ow! 582 00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,819 Oh, oh, oh, oh! 583 00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,779 Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. 584 00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:39,822 I can't breathe. 585 00:20:39,822 --> 00:20:41,532 [groans] 586 00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:44,994 [sobbing] - ♪ Everybody move your body ♪ 587 00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:48,497 - Can we go to the hospital where Beyoncé had her babies? 588 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:50,124 Please. 589 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:52,042 I like that one the best.