1 00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:02,961 - Hey, Mama! 2 00:00:02,961 --> 00:00:05,088 So I know the other day was a little weird, right? 3 00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:07,007 - When I didn't answer one call from you 4 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,383 so you put everyone in a hole? 5 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:10,093 - [sighs] I know. 6 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,803 That was a really hard day for me too. 7 00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:13,222 I think we could use a little break, 8 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:15,474 and I have the perfect getaway. 9 00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:17,726 I am being honored at the Women We Miss Awards 10 00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,854 in New York City next week, and I want you to be my date! 11 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,105 - Women We Miss? 12 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,149 - Yeah, it's a glam-packed ceremony 13 00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:26,443 that recognizes important women who used to live in Manhattan 14 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:27,527 but who don't anymore. 15 00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:28,612 They only give it to women 16 00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:29,947 who are killing it in the sticks. 17 00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:31,573 - And that's you? - Hell yeah! 18 00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:34,159 [loud thud] - [screaming] 19 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:37,454 It's through my arm too! It's not just sleeve! 20 00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:39,748 - [giggles] - Hi, Seredith Mump-Klein 21 00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,625 for "Women We Miss" Magazine. I'll be shadowing you today. 22 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,544 Pretend like I'm not even here. - Okay. 23 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,087 See what I mean? It's a big deal. 24 00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:47,339 - Do you remember why you're here? 25 00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,508 - Yeah, to succeed so hard that New York begs me 26 00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:50,676 to come back for a weekend of praise 27 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:51,718 and maybe a little theater. 28 00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,011 - Um, no. 29 00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:54,805 You know how everyone is in New Utopia 30 00:00:54,805 --> 00:00:56,431 because they're waiting for a comet to come 31 00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:57,933 and take them away to a better planet? 32 00:00:57,933 --> 00:00:59,476 - Ugh, yes. Embarrassing. 33 00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,561 - You kinda have to stay here for that to happen. 34 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:02,729 And people aren't allowed to leave 35 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:03,897 unless they're going to space. 36 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,274 The Elders can come and go, 37 00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:07,025 but that's because your dad gave them beepers. 38 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,443 Don't look at me like I'm weird. 39 00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:10,279 I didn't make the rules. I didn't give them beepers. 40 00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:12,239 - What if we just slip out for a few days? 41 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:13,490 Nobody will notice. 42 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:14,825 [glass shatters] [patrons murmur, gasp] 43 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:16,243 - I think they'll notice. 44 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,494 - What if I'm pretty sure 45 00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:19,037 the comet's not coming this weekend? 46 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:20,247 - Pretty sure? 47 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:21,623 Have you even checked the telescope? 48 00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:23,959 - I'm having a conversation. [scoffs] 49 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:25,460 - You seriously haven't even checked? 50 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:27,963 I mean, before your dad died, he said it was pretty close. 51 00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:29,590 - Oh, the fake thing is close? 52 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,258 I'm just kidding. Not fake. Just a fake dad thing. 53 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,218 I know you don't believe it; you're normal. 54 00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,845 [scoffs] I'm gonna go deal with this now. 55 00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:36,430 Okay, bye! 56 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,056 - What was that? 57 00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:40,142 - I'm stuck to the wall! 58 00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:42,936 [upbeat music] 59 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:46,189 ♪ ♪ 60 00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:49,151 [quirky folk music] 61 00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:54,489 ♪ ♪ 62 00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:55,365 [goat bleats] 63 00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,119 - [shrieks] 64 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,455 - So you're trying to control my daughter 65 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,498 and she's being a real-- - Hey, Mae Mae! 66 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,292 - Whoa! What about it? 67 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:07,127 - Um, what are you watching? 68 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,378 - Porn. 69 00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:09,880 - Oh, okay. 70 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,632 I need to know where my dad's telescope is. 71 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,467 I'm trying to go to New York for a few days, 72 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,801 collect an award, 73 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,636 really rub my life in some people's faces, 74 00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:18,472 and of course, I have to look through a telescope first 75 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:19,640 and assure the wackadoos 76 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:20,974 a comet isn't coming while I'm there. 77 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,601 - Oh, sausage ball. 78 00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,895 You haven't even looked through the telescope yet? 79 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,522 No wonder you've been so hard to get in line. 80 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:30,359 That comet you'll see is the key to the kingdom. 81 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:33,320 Go! Go now! It's in the sex hut! 82 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,864 - It's called the Leadership Center. 83 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,616 "So my daughter's being a handful"? 84 00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:40,077 [gasps] Did my dad leave you tapes about me? 85 00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:41,453 - I have my own life! 86 00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,205 - Ugh! 87 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,664 Mae Mae's got dad videos now, 88 00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:46,958 I am still expected to learn new things. 89 00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:48,251 This is so stupid. 90 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:52,923 [gears grinding, metal rattling] 91 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:55,425 Someone was having some fun. 92 00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:57,678 I'm not looking. I know there's nothing there. 93 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,429 I'll just stand here long enough to say I checked. 94 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:03,266 I'm bored! 95 00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:06,478 [wondrous music] 96 00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:07,688 - [gasps] - Eh? 97 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,856 Pretty cool comet, huh? 98 00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:13,026 - [gasps] Wait a minute. 99 00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:18,615 What the...he got his saucy rib fingers 100 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:19,908 on the telescope lens. 101 00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:22,411 - Beautiful tangy comet. 102 00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:24,037 - This is great! 103 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,747 I can tell everybody the comet he said was coming soon 104 00:03:25,747 --> 00:03:26,748 is just barbecue sauce! 105 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:28,667 New York, here I come! 106 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,752 - You can't do that. - What? 107 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:33,422 - Now, Petra, I know you're frustrated, 108 00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,882 but you wouldn't want to disrupt the system. 109 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,926 - Dad, the system sucks. 110 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,428 Here, I don't have a birthday. 111 00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,138 There's one kind of ice cream. 112 00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:43,473 There's gas that makes everyone insane. 113 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:46,184 I can't even go to New York for one night of gloating 114 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:48,353 without having to look for a fake comet. 115 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:50,021 This place sucks. 116 00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:51,523 - D'oh, what about my hot wives? 117 00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:52,691 You love wives. 118 00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:55,110 - No, Dad, you love wives! 119 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,821 - Oh, Petra, you can try to tell everyone it's fake, 120 00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:59,406 but they won't believe you. 121 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,158 I'm the one they trust. 122 00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:03,743 - I am done doing little Band-Aids 123 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,287 to work around your crap. 124 00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,581 I'm tanking your belief system once and for all. 125 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,832 Now, stop talking to me! 126 00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:11,543 - You were talking to yourself, silly! 127 00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:12,878 [door slams] [chuckles] 128 00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:14,546 I'm imaginary. 129 00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:16,673 - [whispering] - [groans] 130 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:18,300 - You look like you've seen a ghost. 131 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:20,427 - No, no, he was imaginary. - What? 132 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,012 You can't be seriously entertaining 133 00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,430 this comet business, can you? 134 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,556 - Mind your business. 135 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,099 - Petey, if you're gonna be messing around 136 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,893 with this comet stuff, you gotta be careful. 137 00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:30,103 These people, it means a lot to them. 138 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,563 - Did you see the comet? 139 00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,982 Our salvation that was promised? 140 00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:36,818 - Petra, look at you. You've seen something! 141 00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:38,862 - [chuckles] I saw something. 142 00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,280 - I told you you would. 143 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,282 Now tell them. They're whispering. 144 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,575 all: Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper! 145 00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:46,203 - Okay, everyone, listen up. 146 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,121 - Hey! - Hey. One sec. 147 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,831 - I looked through the telescope, 148 00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,833 and I saw it. 149 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,586 I saw my father's comet. 150 00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:55,754 [all gasp] 151 00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:58,340 - See? You can relax now. 152 00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,550 Everything is the same. 153 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:01,635 - Not so fast. 154 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,512 I did the charts, I ran the numbers 155 00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,430 and looked in all the files, 156 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,098 and it's coming. [all gasp] 157 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:09,518 It's coming tonight! 158 00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:11,186 - Oh, my. both: What? 159 00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,562 - Did you see it? 160 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,147 - Yes, Elder Krad, I just said it! 161 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,776 - All right, all right, one at a time now! 162 00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:19,861 Please have all Comet Bucks in a neat envelope 163 00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:21,363 to exchange for tickets. 164 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,365 See this? Don't do this. 165 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:25,242 - What are you doing, telling them the comet's coming? 166 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:27,244 Why didn't you just tell them it isn't real? 167 00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:29,120 Because when the comet doesn't come, 168 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,373 people will realize he was full of it. 169 00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:32,958 I need to separate myself from him. 170 00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:35,126 I mean, I'm exposing my dad's lies-- 171 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:36,127 I thought you'd like this. 172 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:38,630 - I do...in theory. 173 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:41,049 But you can't just rip the Band-Aid off with these people. 174 00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,801 They're acting like they got hours to live! 175 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:51,685 I'm not sure, maybe divine goo? 176 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,232 - I'm listening. 177 00:05:57,232 --> 00:06:01,778 [upbeat jazzy music] 178 00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:04,281 - Hey. Why don't you take off those glasses? 179 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:06,825 [soft exciting music] 180 00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,243 ♪ ♪ 181 00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:10,704 Whoa. Wow. - Mm. 182 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,248 - Everyone is seizing the moment and being cute. 183 00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:14,291 Except for you. 184 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:15,959 - No way, I'm always cute. 185 00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:17,669 You're the one messing with people's heads. 186 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:20,547 There needs to be a lengthy deprogramming protocol 187 00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,507 to ease people out of cult life. 188 00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,467 - Oh, stop being hysterical. 189 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:26,928 Yeah, they want the comet, but they'll get over it. 190 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:29,389 Y2K happened and everyone was fine after. 191 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,391 - Some people were fine after. 192 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,101 Some people burned their passports 193 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:34,686 and walked barefoot to Jerusalem. 194 00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:35,896 What kind of people do you think 195 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,981 we're dealing with here--yah! 196 00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:40,025 - [laughing] Won't be needing these! 197 00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,568 - These people are gonna need therapy, 198 00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,571 emotional support, those shiny, crinkly blankets. 199 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,698 Petey, think about my mama. 200 00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:48,825 [sighs] My mama. 201 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:52,245 [foreboding music] 202 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:56,416 - So I'm trying to track how "in" this community you are. 203 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,876 You roll your eyes at a lot of stuff, 204 00:06:57,876 --> 00:06:59,794 but it seems like this comet is freaking you out. 205 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:00,962 - I'm not freaking out. 206 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,672 - You've been squirting 7-Up 207 00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,716 on the floor for three minutes. 208 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,301 - Well, he was right about Pluto! 209 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:07,552 Where did that come from? 210 00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:10,096 - Exactly. Where did it come from? 211 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,723 - It's just strange. 212 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,017 Like, I'm not some kinda comet wackadoo, 213 00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:16,353 I haven't believed in it for a long time. 214 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,063 Or at least I think I haven't believed in it, 215 00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:19,522 but now that Petey said it's coming, I don't-- 216 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:20,940 [groans] I don't wanna think about it! 217 00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,192 - Okay. 218 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,401 - You think I'm weird now, don't you? 219 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,737 - Now? [laughs] 220 00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:28,406 I'm just playing around. Okay, how about this? 221 00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:30,283 You kinda feel like you've put yourself out there 222 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,368 a little bit, right? 223 00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:32,911 - Mm. - Okay. 224 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:35,330 I'll put myself out there, too, so we're even: 225 00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:37,582 I have a few dates that I've been wanting to take you on. 226 00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:39,876 I was gonna save them for later in the relationship 227 00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:41,503 so I don't look too corny up top, 228 00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,046 but do you wanna do them tonight? 229 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,464 Nearby, of course. 230 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,008 You know, just in case a comet, uh, 231 00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:49,094 takes you to space. - Mm. 232 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,470 [dramatic music] 233 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,348 - Dustbust! Dustbust faster! 234 00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:55,975 - Oh, whoa! Mae Mae, what's going on? 235 00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:58,561 - We're preparing the alien cruise ship landing terminal. 236 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,105 This is where the comet will land 237 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:01,690 to allow us to cross to... 238 00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:04,150 all: The other side of the universe, 239 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,236 where it is nice. 240 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:07,612 - It would've been easier 241 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,072 if you hadn't stopped construction 242 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:10,824 and then waited till the last minute 243 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,743 to tell me the comet was arriving in a few hours, 244 00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:15,912 which was such a surprise! 245 00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:18,415 [chuckles] Oh, you're funny! 246 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:21,000 But don't you worry, Mae Mae's gonna get it all ready, 247 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,502 and everything's gonna work out fine. 248 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,087 - The Dustbuster's jammed! 249 00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:26,131 - There's no time! We'll use our mouths! 250 00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:28,049 [both sucking] 251 00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:30,135 - How exactly do you think these people are gonna react 252 00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:31,469 when they find out the comet 253 00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:33,722 they're sucking the ground for doesn't exist? 254 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,265 They'll be devastated and have no idea 255 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:37,100 what reality is. 256 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:40,812 It'll be a humanitarian disaster here, Petey. 257 00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,689 I want my mama back. 258 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,983 - A humanitarian disaster? 259 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,901 Well, that won't look good for the Women We Miss. 260 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:47,944 - Wha? - Oh, nothing. 261 00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:49,279 I do see your point. 262 00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:50,864 We gotta deprogram, and we gotta do it fast. 263 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,532 - We? - I got us into this mess. 264 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,867 You have to let me help. 265 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,410 I really care about this. 266 00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,453 If we are gonna get rid of this 267 00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,204 jacked-up belief system for good, 268 00:08:58,204 --> 00:08:59,330 we're gonna have to do it together. 269 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:01,916 - All right. 270 00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:03,042 You didn't leave us a lot of time, 271 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:04,169 so we're gonna need help. 272 00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,712 I'll invite my therapist. 273 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,131 - [gasps] Oh, right. 274 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,758 You're in therapy. 275 00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:10,884 [soft acoustic music] 276 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,427 - [clears throat] - Uh... 277 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:14,179 ♪ ♪ 278 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:15,889 [both laugh] 279 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,307 - Oh, look! 280 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:18,641 - ♪ All the things I thought ♪ 281 00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,602 ♪ I've thrown away are still here ♪ 282 00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:22,353 [electronic bleeps and bloops] - [laughing] 283 00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:24,731 - Hmm. 284 00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:28,860 Hmm. Hmm... 285 00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:31,696 [both laughing] 286 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:36,326 - Right? [laughing] 287 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:38,328 both: ♪ And I'll wait, and I'll wait ♪ 288 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,580 ♪ To hold you again ♪ 289 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,123 [both sigh] 290 00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,417 both: ♪ Standing here in the doorway ♪ 291 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:49,047 ♪ I will leave the porch light on ♪ 292 00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:53,843 ♪ And I'll wait for you, and I'll wait for you ♪ 293 00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:58,139 ♪ For you to come, come back home ♪ 294 00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:03,520 ♪ You to come, come back home ♪ 295 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,438 [both sucking] 296 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:08,399 - [moaning] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! 297 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,527 - Oh! 298 00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,237 - Wow, this has been so fun. 299 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:14,197 I mean, I barely thought about the comet at all. 300 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,366 - Right. Do you want to? 301 00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:18,701 You know me, I'm cool with anything. 302 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:21,204 - Look, I know that it's unlikely that a comet is coming 303 00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:23,206 to take me to the other side of the universe. 304 00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:24,666 I get that, but... 305 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:26,292 [sighs] It's still up here. 306 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,460 - I get it. 307 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:28,878 Like, I always believe my friends 308 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,380 when they say they're five minutes out, 309 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,632 which really means they're just getting in the shower. 310 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,051 - Yeah, we're talking about the same things. 311 00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:37,178 - Well, if the comet doesn't come, 312 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,513 we could go on a trip together. 313 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,223 Maybe an Airbnb out in nature. 314 00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:42,475 You know, relax, get fresh air, 315 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,811 be so scared of bugs and creepy noises we can't sleep, 316 00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:46,604 hook up, or feel good. 317 00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:48,898 - I mean, hey, if the comet doesn't come, 318 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,817 I could leave--forever. 319 00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:54,863 I mean, if there isn't a comet, what's keeping me here? 320 00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,322 [tender music] 321 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:57,240 - Whoa. 322 00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,535 - Wow. 323 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,912 Who knew deprogramming could feel so good? 324 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,039 - I did. That's why I got into it. 325 00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:06,666 I can't believe it. 326 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,168 New Utopia's finally gonna be free again. 327 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:10,879 Because of us. 328 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:12,088 [door opens] - I'm here! I'm here! 329 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,424 Ready to do therapy! Oh. - We're working! 330 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,550 - This is how we're doing it? 331 00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:17,260 It's an unusual approach, 332 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,554 but then again, I'm an unusual man. 333 00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:20,889 - Ooh, no, no! - No! No, no, no. 334 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:22,140 - That's fine too. - Knock, knock. 335 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,975 Whoa, sausage party! Ha, ha. 336 00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:25,643 I'm just kidding, gentlemen-- and Petey. 337 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,769 - Who's this guy? 338 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,730 - One of Petey's also-rans. 339 00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:31,316 Just got a message that the crinkly blankets arrived. 340 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,985 Petey'll fill you in. Delegate and so forth. 341 00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:37,822 I gotta say, I am so impressed by you. 342 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,782 Giving up everything here. 343 00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,659 Having nothing to show for yourself. 344 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:44,037 Being willing to go back to New York and say, 345 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,788 "I got jack shit going on," 346 00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:47,707 effectively burning your inheritance. 347 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,001 Letting go of your inspiring comeback story 348 00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,669 without a Plan C. 349 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:54,714 That's real selfless stuff right there. 350 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,257 - Uh... - Telling the world, "Hey! 351 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,426 "I'm not special; I'm just an average, 352 00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:00,720 "unemployed nobody from a puddle of mud 353 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,847 formerly known as New Utopia." 354 00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:04,432 This was your only hope. 355 00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:07,435 Now it's just another place from your past. 356 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:08,353 Okay. 357 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,564 You guys behave yourselves. 358 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,316 [laughs] 359 00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:15,485 - Would you like to talk about that? 360 00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:16,611 - Uh... 361 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,112 not yet. 362 00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:19,948 You had something to tell me? 363 00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:22,867 - [grunting] 364 00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:26,454 [chuckles] I have a girlfriend. 365 00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,874 - And then she clarified-- not just a trip, 366 00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,793 but away from here and never come back. 367 00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:33,169 - [gasps] - And your hair smells good. 368 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:35,046 That last one's from me. - Really? 369 00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:36,631 Now Eliza's doing all this 370 00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,383 because of what I said about the comet? 371 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,468 It's like suddenly I'm supposed to be a nobody 372 00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:42,804 to everyone, including my best friend, 373 00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:45,515 just because my dad's comet is fake? 374 00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:47,350 Like, where is the appreciation? 375 00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:49,477 I have accomplished a lot here! 376 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:50,728 We had a wedding! 377 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,274 Okay, well, I don't have to list it all for you! 378 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:57,068 I am a woman that New York misses. 379 00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:58,820 - If the appreciation of New York 380 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,030 means so much to you, why don't you go back? 381 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,074 Women We Miss is just for women 382 00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:05,076 who are succeeding outside of New York. 383 00:13:05,076 --> 00:13:07,203 If I go back because this place has blown up, 384 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,706 I won't be a "Women We Miss"; I'll be a Woman Who Failed. 385 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,624 And that award ceremony blows. 386 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:12,709 - Thank you for telling me that. 387 00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:14,836 [pensive music] 388 00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:16,212 [chuckles] [cat yowls] 389 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:17,213 [excited chatter] [feedback squeals] 390 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,589 - Okay, everyone! 391 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,383 Make sure you're in the correct boarding group. 392 00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:22,343 The comet could be here any minute. 393 00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:25,263 - Okay, so in terms of our deprogram program, 394 00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:27,348 what I need from you two is to help me, 395 00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:29,684 not pivot per se, but to build off the plan 396 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,144 that Bandit and I were making. 397 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,603 Can you two keep secrets? 398 00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:33,604 - With all my heart. - We can make a case 399 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:34,814 for patient confidentiality. 400 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,107 - Perfect. 401 00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:37,483 Now, how do you give people meaning 402 00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,569 and feel good and forget about the comet 403 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:41,320 but also have them trust you 404 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,239 more than the thing they thought they wanted? 405 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,824 - Be careful, Petey. 406 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,409 If you give vulnerable people a little bit of hope, 407 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,660 they'll follow you forever. 408 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,162 - Oh, that's great! I can use that. 409 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,496 Where was that list, 410 00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,832 "10 Ways Toxic Cult Leaders Gain Control"? 411 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,125 - I'm a little concerned you're putting 412 00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:55,710 check boxes next to those. 413 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,795 Is your objective to deprogram the cult 414 00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,464 only to reprogram the cult? 415 00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:02,341 - Uh, let's call it a rebrand. In a good way. 416 00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:04,761 But yes, still cult, with all of the perks, 417 00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,095 like your friends still stick around 418 00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:07,472 and you still have a group of people 419 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,307 you can call your own and you're still a success 420 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,267 in the jealous eyes of your old coworkers. 421 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,269 - I'm not comfortable participating in this. 422 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,104 - Great. You're fired. Me and--what's your name? 423 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:16,314 - Kimball. 424 00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:17,648 - Me and Kimball got it from here. 425 00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,942 Okay, hunk, we have a lot of work to do. 426 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:21,069 - Thank you for being vulnerable. 427 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,614 [crowd cheering] 428 00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,908 - Petey, Petey, Bandit. This is Bandit, go for Petey. 429 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,534 The Eagle is in position 430 00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:29,911 and in love with the Birdie. 431 00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:32,413 [chuckles] 432 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,999 - I know this seems silly, but I gotta see this through. 433 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:36,209 - I'm gonna wait in the truck 434 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,543 with tissues and turkey sandwiches. 435 00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,420 Either way, someone's crying. 436 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:43,216 [suspenseful music] 437 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,134 - All right, everybody! 438 00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:47,220 It's comet time! 439 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,515 [all gasping] 440 00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:59,107 - Ahh! It didn't come! 441 00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,109 [all screaming] 442 00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:03,569 - What is going on? What happened? 443 00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,404 - We were promised a comet! 444 00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:07,740 - At this point, I can't say I'm surprised. 445 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,367 - I'm turning to deviance. 446 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,702 - I told my boyfriend my real name! 447 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:12,829 - Can you hear me? 448 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,872 I need to borrow some pants! 449 00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:16,916 - Come in, Petey! Petey, do you copy? 450 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,501 Petey, do you roger? 451 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:21,045 Petey, what's your 20? Petey, please say "roger!" 452 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,673 - Fear not, New Utopians. 453 00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,675 I have the answer. 454 00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:27,009 [all gasp] 455 00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,511 - Eh--wha? 456 00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:29,887 [all murmuring] 457 00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,722 - I know you're all upset right now 458 00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:33,474 and feel like your lives are over. 459 00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:35,184 I felt that way once too. 460 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,687 When I got here, I couldn't do anything. 461 00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,522 I couldn't play pool darts. 462 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,858 I didn't know what mud was. - [chuckles] 463 00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,693 - I had never had sex with three women 464 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,069 who were married to my dad. 465 00:15:45,069 --> 00:15:46,154 crowd: Aw. - Wait, what? 466 00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:47,864 - But being a part of this community 467 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:49,532 has changed my life. 468 00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:51,033 I grew to love it. 469 00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:53,077 I grew to cherish its traditions. 470 00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:56,122 And we have accomplished a lot together. 471 00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:58,082 Remember the wedding? [all cheer] 472 00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:01,127 - Our binder. She didn't even use it. 473 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,503 What's she doing? 474 00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:05,214 - The comet did come. It's the comet of truth. 475 00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,841 And the truth is, 476 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,509 my father was a liar. [all gasp] 477 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:09,719 - Maybe she didn't need it. 478 00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:11,220 - But he didn't just lie to you. 479 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,639 He lied to me too. And it hurt. 480 00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:15,600 But I'm not sad, 481 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,935 because I have a little bit of hope. 482 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:20,730 all: Hope? 483 00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:22,315 - Would you like a little bit of hope? 484 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:23,983 - Yes, please! 485 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,319 - Will you trust me with your happiness 486 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:29,447 because there's nobody else who understands you 487 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:30,573 like I do? 488 00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,700 all: Yes, Petey! - Wait a second. 489 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:33,993 - All you have to do is stay. 490 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,411 It's not a lot to ask. 491 00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:38,706 Just stay here with me. Will you do that? 492 00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:40,458 all: Yes, Petey! 493 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,919 - No, stop! She's culting again! 494 00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:46,005 - Welcome to New New Utopia. 495 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,632 I am the comet, 496 00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:50,134 and I have arrived! 497 00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,428 [all cheering] 498 00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:55,223 - Oh...no, no, no! 499 00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:56,557 Mama! 500 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,309 [dramatic music] 501 00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,019 Mama, hello. 502 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,480 My name is Bandit, and I will be deprogramming you today. 503 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:05,024 - Oh, can it, you self-righteous blowhard. 504 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,567 I don't need saving. 505 00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,277 - But Mama, she's lying! 506 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:09,862 You know she's lying! 507 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,614 - What Petey did tonight, 508 00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:13,658 the way she took control of the people, 509 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:16,327 ooh, that's someone I can really work with. 510 00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:18,371 Oh! That woman. 511 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,206 She's a comet. 512 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:21,916 - I think you're confused. 513 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:23,793 - Bandit, I love you, 514 00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:26,462 but you've never respected me or my career. 515 00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:29,298 - Now, hold up, I would never disrespect a woman, 516 00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:31,634 and I would never disrespect a woman's career. 517 00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,135 I'm a good man! 518 00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:36,472 - Well, you did. And not just any woman. 519 00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,683 - My mama. 520 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,810 [gasps] Be strong now. 521 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:41,852 [sniffles] 522 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,109 - [gasps] Eliza, hey! 523 00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:49,860 You're still here, thank God. 524 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,113 - "I'm the comet? I have arrived?" 525 00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:53,114 What was that? 526 00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:54,448 - Genius, right? 527 00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:55,866 Like, I don't wanna lose everything, 528 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,743 and I definitely don't wanna lose you, 529 00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:00,079 so I got rid of my dad, and now I make the rules, 530 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,290 and isn't it nice, we can go to New York? 531 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,791 - [gasps softly] 532 00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:06,419 So you manipulated the whole town, including me. 533 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,379 Do you have any idea what we've been through? 534 00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:09,755 - No, my dad manipulated people. 535 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:10,923 It's his fault. 536 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,592 - Your dad's been dead for a year. 537 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,844 You gotta stop blaming him. 538 00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:16,721 - Uh--where are you going? 539 00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:18,889 - Me and Connie are going to a scary cabin. 540 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,058 - Oh. For how long? - I don't know. 541 00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:22,476 But she taught me something that I hope 542 00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,020 everyone else here learns one day: 543 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,229 that there are people out there 544 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,897 who will do a ton of nice stuff for you, 545 00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:28,649 and they don't even have to hurt you first. 546 00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:30,901 - You used me! 547 00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:32,612 Mind if I cut in? - Yep, get in there, cowboy. 548 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,447 - You used me! 549 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,782 You distracted me with lovemaking 550 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,160 so I couldn't be out there, deprogramming! 551 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,745 I almost got my mama outta here, 552 00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:42,455 and you snatched her up again! 553 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,914 - That wasn't my plan! 554 00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:45,374 My goals shifted. 555 00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:47,752 The sex was just also something I did. 556 00:18:47,752 --> 00:18:50,212 But yeah, maybe I don't wanna give everything up. 557 00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,089 Why should I have to throw my success away? 558 00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,508 - [sighs] I leave you alone for one second 559 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,636 with my therapist and some hot guy? 560 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,471 - Okay, what am I gonna do? 561 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,681 Start over again? Where? 562 00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:03,351 Is there a smaller town for me to go to 563 00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,561 where everyone's a mole person 564 00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,772 and I have to get them out of the dirt? 565 00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,440 - I mean, yeah, two towns over. 566 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,108 The Mole People make great cheese. 567 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,110 - Face it, Petey. You're a liar. 568 00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,279 - A liar, just like your father. 569 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:17,823 "I'm the comet." There's no comet! 570 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,662 [upbeat rock music] 571 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,997 ♪ ♪ 572 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:30,252 - ♪ When the sky consumes the city ♪ 573 00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:31,712 ♪ ♪ 574 00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:35,633 ♪ Don't give up on the sun ♪ 575 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:38,260 - [laughing] 576 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:41,806 Mm, take me home! 577 00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,560 - Oh, um... 578 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:50,022 [clears throat] - Wha-- 579 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,399 - Uh... - What-- 580 00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:53,275 oh, my... 581 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,405 - Oh, [bleep], has anyone seen that journalist? 582 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:01,450 - I'm accepting this award on behalf of my daughter, 583 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,577 Petey St. Barts, who couldn't be here tonight. 584 00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:05,621 She's busy with work. 585 00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:07,123 She's busy with work! 586 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,249 [cheers and applause] 587 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:11,252 - [whispering indistinctly] 588 00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:12,336 - Mm. 589 00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:14,255 Thank you. 590 00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:18,509 Hmm. 591 00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:20,970 - I had gone to New Utopia 592 00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:22,763 thinking I was writing a puff piece 593 00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:24,890 on an average girl who left New York 594 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,434 and moved to the country. 595 00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:29,478 That story would've been fascinating in itself. 596 00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:32,940 Instead, what I found was something much deeper. 597 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:34,900 Mysterious business, 598 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:37,069 doomsday proclamations, 599 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,321 Alan Tudyk missing, 600 00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:42,408 a scorned ex-girlfriend willing to talk, 601 00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:45,077 and a mysterious group that some might call 602 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,247 a "C you last Tuesday." 603 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,458 This season on "Shaming Petey"... 604 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,334 - [screaming]