1 00:00:02,005 --> 00:00:04,245 This programme contains very strong language 2 00:00:04,245 --> 00:00:05,485 MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES 3 00:00:05,485 --> 00:00:08,565 HE GRUNTS 4 00:00:08,565 --> 00:00:10,125 SHE GRUNTS 5 00:00:10,125 --> 00:00:11,565 HE GRUNTS 6 00:00:11,565 --> 00:00:14,085 MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES HE GRUNTS 7 00:00:16,445 --> 00:00:18,245 HE GRUNTS 8 00:00:18,245 --> 00:00:20,365 GRUNTS 9 00:00:22,685 --> 00:00:24,885 MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES 10 00:00:30,885 --> 00:00:32,925 SHE GRUNTS 11 00:00:36,885 --> 00:00:38,325 WOMAN: Tea. 12 00:00:38,325 --> 00:00:39,565 MAN: Tea. 13 00:00:40,965 --> 00:00:42,365 Tea, Dan. 14 00:00:42,365 --> 00:00:44,805 MUMBLING: Tea. Tea, Dan. 15 00:00:49,405 --> 00:00:50,845 Tea, Dan. 16 00:00:50,845 --> 00:00:52,285 Tea, Dan. 17 00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:53,845 Tea, Dan! 18 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:54,885 Get the tea. 19 00:00:56,125 --> 00:00:58,245 SHE MUTTERS 20 00:00:58,245 --> 00:01:01,365 MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES FAINTLY 21 00:01:06,405 --> 00:01:11,445 MUSIC: Egypt Strut by Salah Ragab and the Cairo Jazz Band 22 00:01:37,525 --> 00:01:38,845 Oh, well done. 23 00:01:38,845 --> 00:01:41,005 You've eaten every single crumb of nice in the flat. 24 00:01:41,005 --> 00:01:42,605 I'll have to go down to the Evil Forest. 25 00:01:42,605 --> 00:01:45,405 Oh, no way. That deli with all the bulging shit and the jumpers 26 00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:47,445 and those awful women. Three quid for a lemon? 27 00:01:47,445 --> 00:01:49,885 No way. But they have all the nice things. 28 00:01:49,885 --> 00:01:51,445 And it's Saturday. 29 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,445 Why am I even justifying this? 30 00:01:53,445 --> 00:01:55,125 I'm a hard-working princess 31 00:01:55,125 --> 00:01:57,885 and you've eaten all my sugar plums. Boo hoo, Your HO-ness. 32 00:01:57,885 --> 00:02:00,205 I don't even know why I'm talking to you anyway, maniac, 33 00:02:00,205 --> 00:02:01,645 I landed on my face. 34 00:02:01,645 --> 00:02:04,045 Yeah, lucky you slept through. 35 00:02:04,045 --> 00:02:06,885 I spiral-fractured about 18 of my fingers. 36 00:02:06,885 --> 00:02:09,085 I barely manage my bowl of Tosty Frots...Frosty Tots. 37 00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:12,285 Bowls, three, big ones. 38 00:02:12,285 --> 00:02:14,765 Which one was the toughest? 39 00:02:14,765 --> 00:02:16,765 Oh, no, have I got mansoobs? 40 00:02:16,765 --> 00:02:18,645 Oh, lefty's looking very chunky. 41 00:02:18,645 --> 00:02:19,885 Don't even say that. 42 00:02:19,885 --> 00:02:21,805 IN ROUGH COCKNEY: Whoa, fucking hell, whoa. 43 00:02:21,805 --> 00:02:23,685 Bleurgh! Oh, come on. 44 00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:26,125 Let's get you all spaffed up downtown. 45 00:02:26,125 --> 00:02:28,005 Heh-heh. Got to keep you pretty, boy. 46 00:02:28,005 --> 00:02:30,765 NORMAL VOICE: Yay, OK, let's go get you a magic expandable bra. 47 00:02:30,765 --> 00:02:32,925 Then we can walk to the forest and protect you 48 00:02:32,925 --> 00:02:34,205 from the wicked sisters. 49 00:02:34,205 --> 00:02:35,845 No, we don't even need anything. 50 00:02:35,845 --> 00:02:38,485 Yeah, I know, but that's the whole point. Don't you get it? 51 00:02:38,485 --> 00:02:40,005 I want stuff we don't need. 52 00:02:40,005 --> 00:02:42,605 It's about pleasure. It's about living, Dan. 53 00:02:42,605 --> 00:02:45,165 My moobs and I are getting into a hole in the ground. 54 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,685 Oh, come on. I hate going down there on my own. 55 00:02:47,685 --> 00:02:50,965 The way they sort of hover and pounce like lame spiders. 56 00:02:50,965 --> 00:02:53,485 If you are going down to the Magic Forest... 57 00:02:53,485 --> 00:02:56,085 Yeah, don't shag the walls. 58 00:02:57,365 --> 00:02:59,205 We're actually out of Frosty Tots. 59 00:03:05,805 --> 00:03:08,445 Do you mind not smelling the jars? 60 00:03:08,445 --> 00:03:09,965 Thank you so much. 61 00:03:09,965 --> 00:03:11,245 Sorry, I was, erm... 62 00:03:12,485 --> 00:03:14,205 ..just looking for lentils. 63 00:03:14,205 --> 00:03:16,245 Lentils? What else? 64 00:03:16,245 --> 00:03:17,605 That way. 65 00:03:17,605 --> 00:03:20,685 Rather obviously beside all the other dried goods. 66 00:03:27,805 --> 00:03:30,605 Yeah, you'd know more about dried goods, wouldn't you, 67 00:03:30,605 --> 00:03:32,525 you stupid old bint... Carla. 68 00:03:33,965 --> 00:03:35,645 THEY SCREAM 69 00:03:35,645 --> 00:03:36,685 Oh, my God! 70 00:03:37,645 --> 00:03:39,205 Oh! 71 00:03:39,205 --> 00:03:41,285 So good to see you. 72 00:03:41,285 --> 00:03:43,885 How are you? I'm really good. How are you? 73 00:03:43,885 --> 00:03:45,485 I'm really good, thank you. 74 00:03:45,485 --> 00:03:47,125 THEY CACKLE HAPPILY 75 00:03:47,125 --> 00:03:48,805 Oh, my God! 76 00:03:50,525 --> 00:03:53,525 That is actually the last one we have. 77 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,045 Any better at all? 78 00:04:03,885 --> 00:04:05,925 Have you got anything tighter? 79 00:04:05,925 --> 00:04:10,325 Maybe my yayas could ping out when I say hi. 80 00:04:11,725 --> 00:04:13,125 I'll go and check. 81 00:04:14,565 --> 00:04:17,725 One pieces, anything, talk to me. 82 00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:19,325 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 83 00:04:21,485 --> 00:04:24,125 Hey. Where are you? You said you were hiding. 84 00:04:24,125 --> 00:04:27,165 I had to go and find clothes for the larger-cupped man. 85 00:04:27,165 --> 00:04:29,485 Hey, let's become bakers and wear dungarees. 86 00:04:29,485 --> 00:04:32,245 You'll never believe who I just ran into. Who? 87 00:04:32,245 --> 00:04:34,045 Good, bad, we're moving? 88 00:04:34,045 --> 00:04:35,925 One of my very, very oldest and dearest... 89 00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:37,445 Oh, an ex? 90 00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:39,085 Yeah, how'd you guess? 91 00:04:39,085 --> 00:04:40,885 They always get a good intro. 92 00:04:40,885 --> 00:04:42,485 Who is it this time? 93 00:04:42,485 --> 00:04:44,285 The wrestling chef? 94 00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:46,365 The drumming surgeon? 95 00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:46,365 SHE SNICKERS 96 00:04:46,365 --> 00:04:48,045 Or the twins from the sawmill? 97 00:04:48,045 --> 00:04:50,845 Raul only wrestled part time. Weak thumbs. 98 00:04:50,845 --> 00:04:52,445 Maya's the singer. 99 00:04:52,445 --> 00:04:54,365 We've going full evil here, by the way. 100 00:04:54,365 --> 00:04:56,605 We've got loads from the fridges of bitches. 101 00:04:56,605 --> 00:04:58,325 You coming back for lunch or what? 102 00:04:58,325 --> 00:04:59,645 MAYA: Running a bath, OK? 103 00:04:59,645 --> 00:05:01,445 Come and get your bubbles. 104 00:05:01,445 --> 00:05:03,325 I'm coming. I'm coming. 105 00:05:03,325 --> 00:05:04,805 Bye, Sam! 106 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,445 No rush, all right? Oh, can you get some bread? Bye. 107 00:05:09,925 --> 00:05:11,685 Fuck, I'm definitely coming. 108 00:05:11,685 --> 00:05:13,725 Oh, my God, my robe. 109 00:05:13,725 --> 00:05:16,365 That is mine. That is my robe. 110 00:05:16,365 --> 00:05:18,405 I've been looking for that for years. 111 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:20,245 And my green snake ring. 112 00:05:20,245 --> 00:05:22,845 OK, right, the robe was sort of mine. 113 00:05:22,845 --> 00:05:25,245 But because you're cheeky, I'll let you have the ring. 114 00:05:25,245 --> 00:05:26,525 They're both mine. 115 00:05:26,525 --> 00:05:28,045 No, they're not. Yes, they are. 116 00:05:28,045 --> 00:05:30,085 HE SIGHS 117 00:05:37,165 --> 00:05:39,205 What's your secret, pal? 118 00:05:39,205 --> 00:05:41,365 I'm thrilled it's cancelled, to be honest. 119 00:05:41,365 --> 00:05:43,765 My throat is wrecked. Yeah? 120 00:05:43,765 --> 00:05:46,045 Burning the candle, I guess. 121 00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:49,205 But I've still got free festival bollocks. Mm. Yeah. 122 00:05:49,205 --> 00:05:51,205 Got a pair of wellies.. Hello. 123 00:05:51,205 --> 00:05:54,445 ..and some face paint. 124 00:05:54,445 --> 00:05:56,885 I heard somewhere guests bring chocolate or wine. 125 00:05:56,885 --> 00:05:58,165 How about weed? 126 00:05:58,165 --> 00:05:59,245 Oh! 127 00:05:59,245 --> 00:06:02,205 Oh, my God, I haven't had weed in ages, mate. 128 00:06:02,205 --> 00:06:03,245 Oh! 129 00:06:04,605 --> 00:06:06,445 I got to say, babes, 130 00:06:06,445 --> 00:06:08,725 you are looking good. 131 00:06:08,725 --> 00:06:11,725 You gargling moonlight, or what? 132 00:06:11,725 --> 00:06:13,565 You happy with your lot? 133 00:06:14,925 --> 00:06:16,645 All this, you know, you and Pat? 134 00:06:16,645 --> 00:06:17,885 Dan. 135 00:06:17,885 --> 00:06:21,125 Um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not all the time, obviously. 136 00:06:21,125 --> 00:06:22,725 Do you have delight in your life? 137 00:06:22,725 --> 00:06:24,325 Oh, stop. 138 00:06:24,325 --> 00:06:26,085 How's Noddy? 139 00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:29,485 Nellie, who keeps talking about us getting married. 140 00:06:29,485 --> 00:06:31,165 Yeah? Yeah. 141 00:06:31,165 --> 00:06:33,565 Apparently, that's what we really want. 142 00:06:33,565 --> 00:06:35,365 When did you marry Jack? 143 00:06:35,365 --> 00:06:37,205 Dan. 144 00:06:37,205 --> 00:06:38,445 Uh, no, not. 145 00:06:38,445 --> 00:06:40,605 No rings of any kind. 146 00:06:40,605 --> 00:06:45,005 Hmm, I thought maybe you could, uh, give me some advice. 147 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,045 How long you two been together? 148 00:06:47,045 --> 00:06:48,565 A while-ish. 149 00:06:48,565 --> 00:06:51,565 Well, uh, not that long, but, yeah, a bit, a bit, yeah. 150 00:06:51,565 --> 00:06:53,205 Sounds good. 151 00:06:53,205 --> 00:06:54,925 DOOR OPENS 152 00:06:53,205 --> 00:06:54,925 Hello, I'm home. 153 00:06:54,925 --> 00:06:55,965 Oh. 154 00:06:57,245 --> 00:06:58,965 I wrote a song about you. 155 00:06:58,965 --> 00:07:02,845 Yeah? I wrote a few, actually, they just came out of me. 156 00:07:02,845 --> 00:07:04,205 I might send you one. 157 00:07:04,205 --> 00:07:05,725 You'll send all of them. 158 00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,485 Yeah, I will. 159 00:07:10,085 --> 00:07:12,845 Goddamn. Noah's going to need a bigger boat. 160 00:07:12,845 --> 00:07:14,685 I got us kurvival sits. 161 00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,765 I mean, survival kits. 162 00:07:16,765 --> 00:07:18,125 I keep doing that. 163 00:07:18,125 --> 00:07:21,445 Oh. Oh, hello. 164 00:07:21,445 --> 00:07:23,405 Hi. How's it going? 165 00:07:23,405 --> 00:07:24,965 Hey. Hey. Hi. 166 00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:28,165 You could use a towel. 167 00:07:28,165 --> 00:07:29,965 Thank you. Thank you. 168 00:07:29,965 --> 00:07:31,325 Hey. So you're the singer. 169 00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:33,725 Dan used to write jingles for ads. Did you get any bread? 170 00:07:33,725 --> 00:07:35,245 I'm a musician. 171 00:07:35,245 --> 00:07:37,245 No. Mm-hm. 172 00:07:37,245 --> 00:07:40,165 What is that? It's... Hey. Isn't it perfect for you? 173 00:07:40,165 --> 00:07:41,485 Look. For me? 174 00:07:41,485 --> 00:07:43,005 Yeah. Look at that. 175 00:07:43,005 --> 00:07:45,205 Seven days a week, I will be not wearing that. 176 00:07:45,205 --> 00:07:46,525 You're insane. 177 00:07:46,525 --> 00:07:48,525 Come on. Seriously? I thought that would be... 178 00:07:48,525 --> 00:07:50,245 Maya, no? 179 00:07:50,245 --> 00:07:52,605 I mean, it, it, it looks good on you. 180 00:07:52,605 --> 00:07:54,645 CARLA CHUCKLES 181 00:07:54,645 --> 00:07:57,365 Um, come and help me with lunch, Inspector? 182 00:07:57,365 --> 00:08:00,005 IN FILM NOIR DETECTIVE VOICE: The dead body's in the library. 183 00:08:00,005 --> 00:08:02,045 It was me. 184 00:08:00,005 --> 00:08:02,045 SHE CHUCKLES, HE FAKE LAUGHS 185 00:08:02,045 --> 00:08:03,605 I knew that. 186 00:08:03,605 --> 00:08:05,005 How? 187 00:08:05,005 --> 00:08:06,485 IN DETECTIVE VOICE: You had a bath. 188 00:08:06,485 --> 00:08:08,045 Oh, you got me. 189 00:08:08,045 --> 00:08:10,045 I'm going to hide out in the hills. SHE CHUCKLES 190 00:08:10,045 --> 00:08:12,205 HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY 191 00:08:10,045 --> 00:08:12,205 Need a coat? 192 00:08:14,885 --> 00:08:16,365 I'll put it there. 193 00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:20,325 So this is a Greek salad. 194 00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:21,805 Sorry. Lovely Greek salad. 195 00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:25,245 This, here, is a delicious dip. 196 00:08:25,245 --> 00:08:27,365 It's just a bit of hummus. Just a bit of hummus, 197 00:08:27,365 --> 00:08:29,405 you're getting this. 198 00:08:29,405 --> 00:08:31,645 Very, very... 199 00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,445 ..chewy dip. 200 00:08:33,445 --> 00:08:35,165 You can fuck off. 201 00:08:35,165 --> 00:08:38,445 Very nice. Really nice. Really good. 202 00:08:38,445 --> 00:08:42,725 And them, there, uh, are frightening, frankly. 203 00:08:42,725 --> 00:08:44,245 Explain to me, 204 00:08:44,245 --> 00:08:46,445 what is the bit between the beetroot and the lettuce? 205 00:08:46,445 --> 00:08:48,125 That's peas and walnuts. 206 00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:50,365 Why? Because we have peas. 207 00:08:50,365 --> 00:08:52,085 Had. 208 00:08:52,085 --> 00:08:53,965 Now they live in there, with walnuts. 209 00:08:53,965 --> 00:08:55,885 Hello, you're fucking delicious. 210 00:08:55,885 --> 00:08:58,005 I love you guys. This one is moving. 211 00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,205 LAUGHING: That one's trying to eat the other one. 212 00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:01,765 No wonder, they're all delicious. 213 00:09:01,765 --> 00:09:04,365 More delicious than each other. Maya. 214 00:09:04,365 --> 00:09:06,605 Ah, no, I'd better get going. 215 00:09:06,605 --> 00:09:09,205 I've got to get to Liverpool tomorrow, so... 216 00:09:09,205 --> 00:09:11,565 This has been so lovely. 217 00:09:11,565 --> 00:09:13,685 It's been really lovely. Hm. 218 00:09:13,685 --> 00:09:15,005 Um... 219 00:09:18,045 --> 00:09:19,485 Cheeky spliff? 220 00:09:21,805 --> 00:09:23,805 Mm, uh, yeah, sure. 221 00:09:23,805 --> 00:09:25,405 Wow, yeah. 222 00:09:25,405 --> 00:09:27,445 Fuck, yeah. 223 00:09:33,245 --> 00:09:35,005 I really like Maya. 224 00:09:35,005 --> 00:09:36,525 She was super cool. 225 00:09:36,525 --> 00:09:38,045 Your best ex yet. 226 00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:40,645 No shit? You only her five times. 227 00:09:40,645 --> 00:09:42,565 Shit, did I? 228 00:09:42,565 --> 00:09:45,125 Wow, their shit is the shit. 229 00:09:53,765 --> 00:09:55,325 WHISPERS: We have cucumbers. 230 00:09:55,325 --> 00:09:58,005 We came in here to steal something good. Shut up. 231 00:09:58,005 --> 00:09:59,765 The point is I'm thieving. 232 00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:01,605 Why aren't you? 233 00:10:01,605 --> 00:10:03,965 SHE GASPS 234 00:10:01,605 --> 00:10:03,965 Oh, look, posh honey. 235 00:10:07,925 --> 00:10:11,645 Poor little inbred bees, all flying off the wrong directions. 236 00:10:12,885 --> 00:10:14,725 Go and get those cute pineapples. 237 00:10:20,805 --> 00:10:23,125 If they see us, we're going to go to delicatessen jail. 238 00:10:23,125 --> 00:10:25,885 They'll beat us with the rhubarb and make us eat the wiggly things. 239 00:10:25,885 --> 00:10:27,725 Oh, shut up, what have you got so far? 240 00:10:29,845 --> 00:10:31,245 SHE SCOFFS 241 00:10:29,845 --> 00:10:31,245 Rubbish. 242 00:11:01,845 --> 00:11:04,165 I bet you're wearing, like, ten pairs of knickers. 243 00:11:04,165 --> 00:11:06,205 You're not even naked, are you? Cheat. 244 00:11:06,205 --> 00:11:08,765 I am, apart from the usual plasters, 245 00:11:08,765 --> 00:11:10,405 100% naked and nude in here. 246 00:11:10,405 --> 00:11:11,845 Could be a fib. 247 00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:18,525 Guess not. 248 00:11:18,525 --> 00:11:20,005 Can I get that back now? 249 00:11:20,005 --> 00:11:22,405 Or otherwise we might have a situ-nario. 250 00:11:22,405 --> 00:11:24,485 Promise to put the top on the toothpaste? 251 00:11:25,605 --> 00:11:27,165 Is that your innuendo? 252 00:11:27,165 --> 00:11:29,245 Time was you had standards. 253 00:11:29,245 --> 00:11:31,365 Did I? When? 254 00:11:31,365 --> 00:11:33,245 No, I lied. 255 00:11:35,045 --> 00:11:36,925 MUSIC: Felony by The Allergies 256 00:11:36,925 --> 00:11:41,325 # I thought loving you was a felony 257 00:11:41,325 --> 00:11:43,565 # Was a felony, felony, felony 258 00:11:47,885 --> 00:11:49,365 # Lying next to you 259 00:11:49,365 --> 00:11:51,445 # Forget the world outside 260 00:11:51,445 --> 00:11:54,805 # You... # 261 00:11:54,805 --> 00:11:56,605 You look rather lost. 262 00:11:56,605 --> 00:11:58,805 What exactly is it you two want? 263 00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:01,005 Perhaps we'll just call the police. 264 00:12:01,005 --> 00:12:02,485 We are the police. 265 00:12:02,485 --> 00:12:03,765 Fire squad. 266 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:05,325 Freeze. 267 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:07,805 You're wearing Wellington boots. 268 00:12:07,805 --> 00:12:09,805 They're special radio boots, FYI. 269 00:12:09,805 --> 00:12:12,085 We've been watching you for years in our radio boots. 270 00:12:12,085 --> 00:12:13,405 You - 271 00:12:13,405 --> 00:12:14,805 you were in here earlier. 272 00:12:14,805 --> 00:12:17,165 Get back. That was for surveillance snacks. 273 00:12:17,165 --> 00:12:18,885 Get back or a Taser comes. 274 00:12:18,885 --> 00:12:20,445 We've seen the gherkins. 275 00:12:20,445 --> 00:12:22,245 We know where you keep the Dove paste. 276 00:12:22,245 --> 00:12:25,525 You think you're so clever with your little nibbly sponges, 277 00:12:25,525 --> 00:12:27,485 you motherfuckers? 278 00:12:27,485 --> 00:12:29,485 I'm actually going to call the station now. 279 00:12:29,485 --> 00:12:31,605 The police will have a lot of questions. 280 00:12:31,605 --> 00:12:32,965 Yeah? Not as many as us. 281 00:12:32,965 --> 00:12:34,485 And we know who to ask. 282 00:12:34,485 --> 00:12:36,965 This is Alfonso here, our main undercover guy. 283 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,485 Yeah. What do you say, Alfonso? 284 00:12:38,485 --> 00:12:40,525 He's been watching your shit a long time. Yeah. 285 00:12:40,525 --> 00:12:42,445 Oh. Oh, he says you're fucked. 286 00:12:42,445 --> 00:12:44,365 So you better get your story straight. 287 00:12:44,365 --> 00:12:45,805 Straight. 288 00:12:45,805 --> 00:12:48,325 Better match. They better match up, lady. 289 00:13:00,565 --> 00:13:02,045 Nobody move.