1 00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:45,046 [Ralphie] When you're a kid, all you want is the perfect Christmas gift. 2 00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:50,468 When you're a parent, all you want is for Christmas to be perfect. 3 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,012 But sometimes, if we're lucky, 4 00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:56,182 the Yuletide stars shine full upon us 5 00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:58,267 in a rare moment of truth. 6 00:00:58,351 --> 00:01:04,524 And how we react in these moments can forever seal our fate. 7 00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:16,452 [Ralphie] Ah, there it is. Our humble abode 8 00:01:16,536 --> 00:01:18,538 on the south side of the city. 9 00:01:18,621 --> 00:01:20,331 Just like I remember, 10 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:25,837 in all of its yellow, orange and avocado-green glory. 11 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,005 Oh, life moves fast. 12 00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:32,260 One day you're playing "kick the can" with kids named Flick and Schwartz. 13 00:01:32,343 --> 00:01:38,099 And the next thing you know, you're paying taxes and pulling out grey hairs. 14 00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:44,188 But no matter. My sights were set on a higher purpose. 15 00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:47,650 And I was gonna get there with Sandy 16 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:49,443 by my side. 17 00:01:50,862 --> 00:01:53,155 Even though times were lean, 18 00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:55,074 we had everything we needed. 19 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:58,995 At least that's what we told our kids, Mark and Julie. 20 00:01:59,078 --> 00:02:02,498 [Julie] Okay, but what if there's a fire in the fireplace? 21 00:02:02,582 --> 00:02:04,417 Santa is fireproof. 22 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,836 What if the fireplace is too small? 23 00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:08,421 He sneaks in a window. 24 00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:09,547 Good morning. 25 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,090 -Good morning, Mom. -Morning. 26 00:02:11,174 --> 00:02:12,508 What if the window is stuck? 27 00:02:12,592 --> 00:02:14,218 He has WD-40. 28 00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:15,970 -What if the window is too small? -He sucks in his gut. 29 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,513 -Hey. Get your breakfast. -Okay. 30 00:02:17,597 --> 00:02:19,432 [both] Yes, Mom. 31 00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:21,267 [Ralphie] While the kids counted the days left 'til Christmas, 32 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:23,936 I was racing against the clock. 33 00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:28,065 We had socked away just enough for one year, so I could write 34 00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:30,526 the next great American novel. 35 00:02:30,610 --> 00:02:34,572 Everyone gets their chance, and when yours comes along, 36 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,408 you had better grab it. 37 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:40,411 [laughs] Nothing could stop me now. 38 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,455 Dad! We're out of milk. 39 00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:46,167 -What? -My fault, my fault. I forgot to get it. 40 00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:51,923 But have you ever had the delicacy of cereal with... 41 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:55,635 orange juice? 42 00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:57,136 -[groans] -Ew. 43 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,597 Nobody? You are in for a treat. 44 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,350 Nice bowl full of cocoa buds 45 00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:06,228 poured with some delicious OJ. Hm. 46 00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:08,356 And then... [slurps] 47 00:03:08,439 --> 00:03:10,066 [Mark] Ugh. That's disgusting. 48 00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:11,359 -Mm. -Ew. 49 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:15,404 Mm. You can't beat that. 50 00:03:15,488 --> 00:03:16,989 There you go, sweetie. 51 00:03:17,949 --> 00:03:19,742 Well, you gonna try it? 52 00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:21,535 -Mom, you go first. -No. 53 00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,579 Dad, when can we take out the stockings? 54 00:03:23,663 --> 00:03:26,123 Let's wait for Grandpa. He loves that stuff. 55 00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:28,501 Yeah, you guys can do it together. 56 00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:31,253 The angel! She's so beautiful. 57 00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:34,757 It's almost Christmas and we don't have a tree for our angel. 58 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,342 I know, honey. We're gonna get a tree 59 00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:39,053 as soon as Grandma and Grandpa get here. Two more days. 60 00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:41,555 I feel like I've been waiting forever. 61 00:03:41,639 --> 00:03:44,850 [Ralphie] Every year, my parents made the long drive to Chicago 62 00:03:44,934 --> 00:03:47,770 so we could all celebrate with a big city Christmas. 63 00:03:47,853 --> 00:03:51,691 But until then, I could stay focused on my dream. 64 00:03:51,774 --> 00:03:52,858 Oh... 65 00:03:52,942 --> 00:03:54,819 -How do I look? -Like a writer. 66 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,195 -Hey, kids. -Good luck. 67 00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:57,613 -Good luck. -Good luck. 68 00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:02,576 ♪ Santa Claus is comin' To town ♪ 69 00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:05,371 ♪ Santa Claus is comin' To town ♪ 70 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:06,622 ♪ You better watch out ♪ 71 00:04:06,706 --> 00:04:08,290 ♪ You better not cry ♪ 72 00:04:08,374 --> 00:04:12,169 ♪ You better not pout I'm telling you why ♪ 73 00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:15,548 ♪ Santa Claus is comin' To town ♪ 74 00:04:15,631 --> 00:04:18,217 ♪ Santa Claus is comin' To town ♪ 75 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,053 ♪ Santa Claus is comin'... ♪ 76 00:04:21,137 --> 00:04:23,889 [Ralphie] This was the deal. I had to be published 77 00:04:23,973 --> 00:04:25,683 by the end of this year, 78 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:30,646 or I'd pack up my dream and return to the rat race. 79 00:04:30,730 --> 00:04:34,567 So, I'd sent my manuscript to 16 lucky publishers, 80 00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:39,905 and 14 of them enthusiastically said, "No." 81 00:04:39,989 --> 00:04:45,244 With the year almost over, I desperately needed a win. 82 00:04:47,747 --> 00:04:49,498 Mr. Parker... 83 00:04:49,582 --> 00:04:54,045 we generally handle this sort of meeting with a written correspondence, 84 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:56,756 but your insistence to meet in person-- 85 00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:59,759 Oh. Uh, I brought you a little something. 86 00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:02,553 Greasing the wheels certainly couldn't hurt. 87 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,180 Marshall Field's. 88 00:05:04,263 --> 00:05:05,473 The good stuff. 89 00:05:07,725 --> 00:05:08,851 Is this... 90 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:12,021 a bribe? 91 00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:13,230 I don't know. 92 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,191 You tell me. 93 00:05:24,617 --> 00:05:25,785 [chuckles] 94 00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:27,953 Your manuscript, Jupiter's Oblivion-- 95 00:05:28,037 --> 00:05:30,790 Uh, Neptune. It's Neptune's Oblivion. 96 00:05:30,873 --> 00:05:34,210 Though an interesting title and thoroughly written, 97 00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:37,713 we're not accepting manuscripts over 2,000 pages. 98 00:05:37,797 --> 00:05:39,465 Oh. Well, I could cut it down a bit. 99 00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:42,134 You could cut it in half and there'd still be too many words. 100 00:05:42,218 --> 00:05:44,887 Ah, Well, I know it doesn't feel like it ends, 101 00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:49,308 but that's because it all pays off in the sequel, which I'm writing right now. 102 00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:51,310 Oh, Lord, not more. 103 00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:56,941 This isn't a subject we're interested in... 104 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,317 -at all. -No. 105 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,069 This has been my entire life this past year. 106 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:02,029 Good day, Mr. Parker. 107 00:06:02,113 --> 00:06:03,697 And have a Merry Christmas. 108 00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:05,491 [Ralphie] Merry my foot. 109 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:08,786 This pencil pusher had no appreciation for my vision. 110 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,122 Oh, one day he'd see. 111 00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:13,165 They'd all see. 112 00:06:13,249 --> 00:06:16,293 [male awards announcer] We're back, just in time for the main event! 113 00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:19,130 And the winner of the Pulitzer Prize 114 00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:22,675 for literary achievement in science fiction writing 115 00:06:22,758 --> 00:06:26,220 over 2,000 pages is... 116 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:31,892 Mr. Ralph Wesley Parker for Neptune's Oblivion! 117 00:06:31,976 --> 00:06:35,271 [male awards announcer] What an upset! We're seeing history, folks! 118 00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:38,524 This is Ralph's first nomination and first win. 119 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:41,986 -That's my husband. -With 100% of the vote. 120 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:44,947 Even the other contestants voted for him. 121 00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:47,867 Anyone who doubted him must be kicking themselves tonight. 122 00:06:47,950 --> 00:06:50,953 -And there's one of them now! -Forgive me, Mr. Parker. I was wrong. 123 00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:52,746 Dead wrong! Please. 124 00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:55,207 -[male awards announcer] What a moron! -Please. 125 00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:59,378 Tonight, we crown the new voice of a generation. 126 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:02,923 Eat your heart out, Hemingway. [laughs] 127 00:07:03,007 --> 00:07:06,051 [crowd chanting] Parker! Parker! Parker! Parker! Parker! 128 00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:07,678 Mr. Parker. 129 00:07:08,721 --> 00:07:09,972 Oh. 130 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,599 I said good day. 131 00:07:11,682 --> 00:07:15,603 Oh, right. Good day. 132 00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:21,358 [Sandy] Well, there's still one publisher left. 133 00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:22,902 Yeah. 134 00:07:22,985 --> 00:07:24,403 Hey, you know, I heard that Mark Twain 135 00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:27,323 got rejected 34 times before he got published. 136 00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:30,910 -That's brutal. -Yeah. 137 00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:33,245 -I just mean you're in good company. -Thanks. 138 00:07:33,329 --> 00:07:38,292 -[Sandy] But he actually said that you could cut it in half? -That's crazy, right? 139 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:39,919 I mean, it is... 140 00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:42,588 a little wordy. 141 00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:44,632 [Ralphie] It's an epic saga. 142 00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:47,259 [Sandy] Right, honey. Are you sure you should be writing a sequel? I mean-- 143 00:07:47,343 --> 00:07:51,013 The first thing they're gonna ask when it sells is, "What's next?" 144 00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:53,891 Okay. No, I mean, you're the expert. 145 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,935 -Well, what do you suggest? -Well, okay. 146 00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:57,436 Honey, you write so well. 147 00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,396 And you have such a strong voice. 148 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,815 So maybe you could write something that's... 149 00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:04,652 like, more relatable. 150 00:08:04,735 --> 00:08:06,111 You know, Denise at the Book Barn, 151 00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:08,364 she says true crime is the next big thing. 152 00:08:08,447 --> 00:08:09,782 [Ralphie] That's it. 153 00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:12,201 A book about strangling Denise from Book Barn. 154 00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:13,911 Can I have another piece of pizza? 155 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,996 Here you go. Take mine. 156 00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:21,126 Well, what do you guys want for Christmas? 157 00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:23,837 An Easy-Bake Oven, Hungry Hungry Hippos 158 00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:25,214 and a stuffed kitty cat. 159 00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:27,758 [chuckles] Got it. What about you? 160 00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,177 A Flexible Flyer F-23 Yankee Clipper. 161 00:08:30,261 --> 00:08:31,595 And what is that? 162 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:34,557 -A sled. -Oh, okay. I'm sorry. 163 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:35,933 What do you want, Dad? 164 00:08:36,642 --> 00:08:37,726 Want? 165 00:08:37,810 --> 00:08:40,896 A time machine to restart the year. 166 00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:43,816 What I need is a new radiator for the Plymouth. 167 00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:45,526 -[phone ringing] -Oh. I got it. I got it. 168 00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:49,113 -Could be my manager with some good news. -Okay. 169 00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,447 [Ralphie clears throat] 170 00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:52,866 Mr. Ralph Parker speaking. 171 00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:55,286 -Hi, Mom. -Nope. It's Grandma. 172 00:08:58,330 --> 00:08:59,832 What's wrong? 173 00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:00,791 What? 174 00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,087 What? 175 00:09:10,134 --> 00:09:11,343 Wait. Wait a minute. 176 00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:18,142 Okay. 177 00:09:18,976 --> 00:09:20,185 [sniffs] 178 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:22,479 Uh-huh. 179 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,190 [sighs deeply] 180 00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:27,359 Where are you now? 181 00:09:27,443 --> 00:09:30,029 [Ralphie] Nothing can prepare us for one of life's 182 00:09:30,112 --> 00:09:33,449 most painful and inescapable events. 183 00:09:35,284 --> 00:09:37,953 The passing of a parent. 184 00:09:38,037 --> 00:09:39,038 Okay, Ma. 185 00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:47,504 As the sadness of losing my old man took grip, 186 00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:52,051 two undeniable truths washed over us that night. 187 00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:54,136 Grandma needed us in Hohman, 188 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:58,599 and this Christmas would be nothing like we anticipated. 189 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,651 We're getting close. 190 00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:11,070 Yeah. You can taste it. 191 00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:12,780 Oh, come on. It's not that bad. 192 00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:15,824 You said the birds fly backwards so they don't choke. 193 00:10:15,908 --> 00:10:18,786 And the sludge pool swallowed children whole. 194 00:10:20,496 --> 00:10:21,955 Does Santa go to Hohman? 195 00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,999 Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't he? 196 00:10:24,083 --> 00:10:27,878 Because Dad said winter in Hohman is so bleak, it crushes the human spirit. 197 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,255 [Ralphie] Kids ignore every important thing you say, 198 00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:32,257 then recall with painful accuracy 199 00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:35,969 every incriminating word you've uttered in the last five years. 200 00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,097 Honey, it's the opposite. 201 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:39,348 Santa loves Hohman. 202 00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:41,266 In fact, if you play your cards right, 203 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:42,810 you'll get to meet him at Higbee's. 204 00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,812 But is it the real Santa Claus? 205 00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:47,606 Oh, it's him. Trust me. 206 00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:49,525 I'll see for myself. 207 00:10:55,364 --> 00:10:56,490 Egg. [sighs] 208 00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:59,785 Oh. I'm sorry. It's cold. 209 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:03,163 [Ralphie] Ah! There is no nobler a sacrifice for the common egg 210 00:11:03,247 --> 00:11:07,084 than the ingenious automotive repair known as... 211 00:11:08,377 --> 00:11:10,421 "The Midwest Souffle." 212 00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,757 One serving temporarily seals any bum radiator, 213 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:18,429 ensuring safe passage to the next pit stop. 214 00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:21,181 Our car ate more eggs than Cool Hand Luke. 215 00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:23,267 [grunts] Come on! Stupid trunk! 216 00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:25,269 Stupid... 217 00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:30,357 [Ralphie] Ah, there it was. 218 00:11:30,441 --> 00:11:33,026 Our old house on Cleveland Street. 219 00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,487 It looked like it had been frozen in time. 220 00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:39,992 [Mrs. Parker gasps, chuckling] 221 00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:41,827 You're here! 222 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,328 Oh, my goodness! 223 00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:46,373 -Grandma! -Grandma! 224 00:11:46,457 --> 00:11:48,750 Oh, my goodness! I could eat you up. [kisses] 225 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:50,210 I missed you, Grandma! 226 00:11:50,294 --> 00:11:51,628 I love you guys. 227 00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,756 Oh, Sandy. 228 00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:56,592 I am so sorry. 229 00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,302 -Oh. -[sniffles] 230 00:11:59,303 --> 00:12:01,513 [both chuckle] 231 00:12:01,597 --> 00:12:02,764 Hello, Mom. 232 00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:04,016 Ralphie. 233 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,601 I am so sorry, Mom. 234 00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:08,020 He was the best. 235 00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:09,605 [chuckles, sniffles] 236 00:12:09,688 --> 00:12:12,483 -I'm so glad that you all are here. -Of course. 237 00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,610 And I don't want you to worry about anything. 238 00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:16,236 I'm gonna take care of all the arrangements, 239 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,362 -the service-- -No, no, no. 240 00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:18,864 Listen to me, Ralphie. 241 00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:21,867 All that can wait. [chuckling] 242 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,995 Your father was so excited about Christmas. 243 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:28,540 [chuckling] I mean, if he saw us moping around, 244 00:12:28,624 --> 00:12:30,584 he'd just throw a fit. 245 00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,294 I've given this a lot of thought. 246 00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:35,380 This can't be the thing that we think of every Christmas. 247 00:12:35,464 --> 00:12:38,425 We've gotta make it a good memory, so... 248 00:12:38,509 --> 00:12:40,135 promise me... 249 00:12:40,219 --> 00:12:41,553 promise me... 250 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:46,016 we're gonna make this a wonderful Christmas. 251 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,893 One that we'll never forget. 252 00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,770 Mom. 253 00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:52,231 [Ralphie chuckles] In the history of tall orders, this one took the cake! 254 00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:57,277 There was no way. Impossible! Give up now, stupid! 255 00:12:57,361 --> 00:12:58,320 I promise. 256 00:12:58,403 --> 00:13:01,114 [chuckles] Okay. 257 00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:04,034 [Ralphie] Oh, what had I done? The old man was the reason 258 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,995 for the greatest Christmases any of us ever knew. 259 00:13:07,079 --> 00:13:09,122 And now it was all up to me? 260 00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:11,250 Get a grip, man! 261 00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:15,921 Millions of folks pull it off every year because everyone knows the recipe. 262 00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,466 -[laughs] -[exclaims] 263 00:13:20,259 --> 00:13:21,218 Oh. 264 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:23,220 Oh, yeah! 265 00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:26,557 [all cheering] 266 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:31,770 [all laughing] 267 00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,774 I had to pull this off. 268 00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:40,737 For the memory of my old man, and for every Christmas to come. 269 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,492 [grunts] 270 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:59,131 [the old man] Fragile. It must be Italian. 271 00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:03,051 -[dog barking] -Bumpuses! 272 00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,851 Not a finger! 273 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,854 [Ralphie] It suddenly struck me that my old man's voice 274 00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:17,524 would never echo through these walls again. 275 00:14:17,608 --> 00:14:19,901 [the old man, echoes] A fuse is out! 276 00:14:21,737 --> 00:14:23,488 [Ralphie] It was my old home. 277 00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:25,991 With its light, its colors... 278 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,368 its smells. 279 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,705 But it was forever changed. 280 00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:37,669 In the Southwest, it's said they bring chili con carne. 281 00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:40,088 Atlantic states, stew. 282 00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:41,715 But here in Hohman, 283 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:45,135 it's the fabled casserole that appears in times of need. 284 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:49,139 [exhales] I swear, every neighbor dropped off a casserole. 285 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,225 It's gonna take us a year to finish all this. [chuckles] 286 00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:59,066 Mm. Well, this one looks like tuna and olive and... beans? 287 00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:01,777 Hm. Uh, I think that's a blueberry. 288 00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:03,779 Uh, I think, let's see. 289 00:15:03,862 --> 00:15:08,158 [Mrs. Parker] This one is, uh, cream, beans, and pickled carrots and... 290 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,868 Mm... 291 00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:13,121 And tastes of cinnamon. Mm. 292 00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:14,873 So inventive. 293 00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,209 [Ralphie] No matter the tongue-curling flavors 294 00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:19,544 or indistinguishable ingredients, 295 00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:23,715 no one dared waste food in my mother's house. 296 00:15:23,799 --> 00:15:28,762 I'm so touched that everyone has gone to all this trouble for us. 297 00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,681 Will we have turkey on Christmas? 298 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,141 Oh, no. We have to finish all this first. 299 00:15:33,225 --> 00:15:35,268 -[groans] -Oh, hot, hot, hot. 300 00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:37,396 -Yum. -Oh, my. 301 00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:39,648 -Ketchup and what? -Mm. 302 00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:40,899 What do you think that is? 303 00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:41,900 It's mayonnaise. 304 00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:42,776 Yeah. 305 00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:44,069 Cooked mayonnaise. 306 00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:45,487 [dog barking] 307 00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,741 [grunts] It's colder here than in Chicago. 308 00:15:49,825 --> 00:15:51,868 It's looking pretty good. 309 00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:55,330 I don't know. His arms aren't even the same size. 310 00:15:55,414 --> 00:15:57,416 He doesn't know that. 311 00:15:57,499 --> 00:16:00,711 [Ralphie] Oh, this would surely be a highlight of Mark and Julie's Christmas. 312 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:03,505 A close encounter with Delbert Bumpus. 313 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:06,591 The smartest member of the hillbilly family next door. 314 00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:08,385 [gathers spit in throat] 315 00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:17,894 [gulps] Ah! 316 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,314 Hey. 317 00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:22,733 Hey yourself. 318 00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,609 We're building a snowman. 319 00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,653 His name is Sparklypoof. 320 00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:28,780 We did not agree on that. 321 00:16:28,864 --> 00:16:30,490 -Bad idea. -[engine revving] 322 00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:36,788 Snowmen don't last long 'round here. 323 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,126 [grunts] 324 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:43,170 -[Julie screaming] -[engine revving] 325 00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:45,255 [screaming continues] 326 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,509 Whoo! [laughs] 327 00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:52,471 [Ralphie] By God! The neighborhood bullies reincarnate. 328 00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:54,765 What was once mere beatings and shakedowns 329 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:58,560 had evolved into surprise attacks of mechanized terror. 330 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:00,562 Yeah! 331 00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:03,732 -[whooping] -They murdered Sparklypoof! 332 00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:05,192 [bullies chuckling] 333 00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:07,944 [bully] Grab it. Grab it! Yeah! I got your scarf! 334 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:08,904 That's mine! 335 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:10,322 Hey, you get back here! 336 00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:13,325 -[whooping, laughing] -Hey, bring that back! 337 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,953 Well, this town is full of surprises, isn't it? 338 00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,081 How fun. 339 00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:21,458 -Uh, come on. Let's go inside. -[Ralphie] This was a new wrinkle in the Christmas plans. 340 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:26,671 Mark and Julie just landed at the bottom of the local food chain. 341 00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:32,719 ♪ O come, all ye faithful ♪ 342 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:36,139 Hey, guys. I just hung up with my manager, 343 00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,016 and I asked him to call here with any news. 344 00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:40,936 So please pick up the phone, day or night, okay? 345 00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:42,062 Yeah. 346 00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:45,023 Ralphie, how is it going with your novel? 347 00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:50,070 [Ralphie] Oh, if mothers knew every rocky detail of our lives, they'd never sleep. 348 00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:52,364 Best to keep her off the scent. 349 00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:55,075 Oh, I got some real nice irons in the fire. 350 00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:58,537 Oh. Well, you know, that's really good to know. [chuckles] 351 00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,997 [Ralphie] Whew. Out of the frying pan... 352 00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:06,461 That way, we can really focus on getting into the Christmas spirit. 353 00:18:06,545 --> 00:18:08,505 [Ralphie] ...and into the fire. 354 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,260 Absolutely. 355 00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:14,344 It's gonna be great. 356 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,429 Well, it's only five days away. 357 00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:17,681 Well, Ralph's got this. 358 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:18,849 -Yeah? -Right? 359 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,809 Oh, you bet. Uh... 360 00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:23,728 We're gonna do it all. [chuckles] 361 00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:28,483 Aw... That would make your father so happy, Ralphie. 362 00:18:28,567 --> 00:18:31,361 I can't wait to see what you're gonna do with it. [chuckles] 363 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,196 [Ralphie] Oh, that makes two of us. 364 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:34,739 I gotta figure this out. 365 00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,950 You know, I think I'm gonna take a walk. 366 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:40,829 Um, just get some fresh air, maybe clear my head a little bit. 367 00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,122 I'll be back. 368 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:46,626 [dogs barking] 369 00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:47,961 Come on, get out of here! 370 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,880 Not the Bumpus hounds, too. 371 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,549 They tormented my old man his whole life. 372 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:56,136 Now even they expected me to fill his shoes. 373 00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,180 Uh, how was I supposed 374 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:02,183 to replace the greatest Christmas ringmaster of all time? 375 00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:05,770 Especially when he was the one everyone was missing. 376 00:19:05,854 --> 00:19:09,524 Well, sometimes, at life's most desperate moments, 377 00:19:09,608 --> 00:19:13,904 the universe offers us a sign. 378 00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:18,950 ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way ♪ 379 00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:23,872 Perhaps some insight from the Hohman brain trust could help. 380 00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:28,126 [all cheering] 381 00:19:28,209 --> 00:19:31,713 My old pal Flick had inherited the bar from his old man. 382 00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:34,382 Before that, he was best known as the genius 383 00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:38,219 who once stuck his tongue to a frozen flag pole. 384 00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:40,430 -[cheering continues] -[man] You're up by one. 385 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,683 [all cheering] 386 00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:45,936 Down by one. 387 00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:48,063 You're up, Schwartz. 388 00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:49,397 Last shot. 389 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:55,028 [Ralphie] Any good luck Schwartz ever had ran out in the fourth grade. 390 00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:58,156 These days, he was either running up his tab at Flick's, 391 00:19:58,239 --> 00:19:59,991 or at home with his mom. 392 00:20:00,075 --> 00:20:02,661 For all the donuts, suckers. 393 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:07,540 [Ralphie] Could it be? Schwartz? 394 00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:08,917 In a moment of triumph? 395 00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:13,713 Not a chance. 396 00:20:13,797 --> 00:20:15,632 [man] He did it again! 397 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,384 Congratulations to the Slag Heaps! 398 00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,844 Come on, drink up, everybody. Drink it up. 399 00:20:19,928 --> 00:20:20,887 Here we go. 400 00:20:20,971 --> 00:20:23,640 [indistinct chatter] 401 00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:27,352 Looks like I backed the wrong team. 402 00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,229 Again. 403 00:20:29,312 --> 00:20:30,897 -Well, if it wasn't such a junk table. -Junk? I just had it waxed. 404 00:20:30,981 --> 00:20:32,440 [Ralphie] Some things never change. 405 00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:33,692 [young Schwartz] Well, I double dog dare you! 406 00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:35,402 [Ralphie] Especially Flick... 407 00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:36,695 [young Schwartz] Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? 408 00:20:36,778 --> 00:20:37,988 [Ralphie] ...and Schwartz. 409 00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:39,030 That's 'cause you know it'll stick. 410 00:20:39,114 --> 00:20:39,990 Yeah, you've got an-- 411 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:41,533 -[both] Ralphie! -Hey! 412 00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:43,326 -[chuckling, cheering] -Am I glad to see you guys. 413 00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:45,704 Come, have a drink! The cosmopolitan man returns. 414 00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:49,499 Yeah, Mr. Big Shot, gracing us small town folk with his presence. 415 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,210 Yeah. Come on, I could never forget about you guys. 416 00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:54,004 Believe me, I tried. 417 00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,214 [Ralphie] Truth was, years ago, I had promised myself 418 00:20:56,297 --> 00:21:00,176 that I wouldn't return to Hohman until I was a genuine success. 419 00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:04,806 And now, I didn't have the heart to tell them the embarrassing truth. 420 00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:06,975 Hey, Flick! Come on, get us all a round, right? 421 00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:08,601 -Put it on my tab. Come on. -Yeah. 422 00:21:08,685 --> 00:21:10,562 What? I'll pay my tab. 423 00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:11,730 Eventually. 424 00:21:11,813 --> 00:21:12,772 Mm-hmm. 425 00:21:12,856 --> 00:21:14,441 Now, here's you two. 426 00:21:14,524 --> 00:21:16,026 Here's mine. 427 00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:18,361 Ralph, to your old man. 428 00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:19,821 Hell of a guy. 429 00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:21,364 Thanks. 430 00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:22,991 Sorry, Ralphie. 431 00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:24,868 He was the best. 432 00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:26,870 -To the old man. -[both] To the old man. 433 00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:31,750 -[phone ringing] -[all gasp] 434 00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:34,836 [Ralphie] Oh, no. 435 00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:38,339 The death knell for stool rats 'round the world. 436 00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:39,716 Flick's Tavern. 437 00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,093 No one knows for whom the bell tolls. 438 00:21:42,177 --> 00:21:43,928 Yes. Is Larry here? 439 00:21:46,347 --> 00:21:48,433 Is Larry Novak here? 440 00:21:49,559 --> 00:21:50,685 [mouthing] No. 441 00:21:50,769 --> 00:21:52,896 Nope. Sorry, Mrs. Novak. Larry's not here. 442 00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:56,399 Yes, you have a Merry Christmas as well. 443 00:21:56,483 --> 00:21:58,568 [crowd sighs in relief] 444 00:21:58,651 --> 00:22:00,945 [Ralphie] You ever wonder what happened to your high school quarterback? 445 00:22:01,029 --> 00:22:04,199 Ours turned into good old Larry Novak. 446 00:22:04,282 --> 00:22:06,785 So what do you guys do around here for Christmas these days? 447 00:22:06,868 --> 00:22:08,495 [sighs] It's the same here as it's always been. 448 00:22:08,578 --> 00:22:09,662 Yeah, just the usual. 449 00:22:09,746 --> 00:22:11,164 No, the usual's not gonna cut it. 450 00:22:11,247 --> 00:22:13,083 I need something more. It's all on me this year. 451 00:22:13,166 --> 00:22:15,960 Well, in that case, I suggest you start drinking 452 00:22:16,044 --> 00:22:17,295 and don't stop till New Year's. 453 00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:18,963 No, this is serious. 454 00:22:19,506 --> 00:22:20,298 Larry? 455 00:22:20,381 --> 00:22:21,633 What do you want from me? 456 00:22:21,716 --> 00:22:23,718 I come here to avoid my family. 457 00:22:25,136 --> 00:22:27,514 All right. Got an idea. Here, you take that. 458 00:22:27,597 --> 00:22:29,682 -We'll come up with some idea. -All right. 459 00:22:29,766 --> 00:22:32,268 So, let's make a list. It's okay. You're gonna be fine. We got this. Okay. 460 00:22:32,352 --> 00:22:34,646 Ooh! But first, line 'em up again. 461 00:22:34,729 --> 00:22:37,023 -To lubricate our brains, right? Come on. -It's a good idea. 462 00:22:37,107 --> 00:22:39,776 -Christmas is... -I have a terrarium. 463 00:22:40,985 --> 00:22:42,112 Okay. 464 00:22:42,195 --> 00:22:45,406 It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards. 465 00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:47,283 It's very stimulating. 466 00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:49,494 -[Schwartz] Ah. -Cool. That's a great start. I love terrariums. 467 00:22:49,577 --> 00:22:52,122 Hey. My sister knows a guy who owns a Cessna. 468 00:22:52,205 --> 00:22:54,833 -My cousin Craig, he's got a buffalo. -Yeah. 469 00:22:54,916 --> 00:22:56,334 Oh, that'd be fantastic. 470 00:22:56,418 --> 00:22:58,503 -It's huge. -No bad ideas, guys. Keep 'em coming. 471 00:22:58,586 --> 00:23:00,380 I need this stuff. 472 00:23:00,463 --> 00:23:02,132 -We got you covered. We got you. -It's the kind of magic I need. 473 00:23:02,215 --> 00:23:02,715 -Come on, to Christmas. -We got you. Christmas! 474 00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:06,427 [snores] 475 00:23:06,511 --> 00:23:08,138 [chatter echoing] 476 00:23:15,395 --> 00:23:16,855 Ralph? 477 00:23:16,938 --> 00:23:19,357 It's almost 10:00. Are you awake? 478 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,359 -Uh-uh. -Mm. 479 00:23:21,442 --> 00:23:23,319 [smacks lips, breathes deeply] 480 00:23:23,403 --> 00:23:27,115 So, is this the list? 481 00:23:27,198 --> 00:23:30,702 You know, the one you woke me up about at 3:00 am? 482 00:23:30,785 --> 00:23:31,911 Yeah. 483 00:23:31,995 --> 00:23:34,664 That's my Christmas plan. [grunting] 484 00:23:34,747 --> 00:23:36,708 Okay. All right. 485 00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:39,460 Well, you know, some of these are good. 486 00:23:39,544 --> 00:23:41,045 Yeah, sledding. That's great. 487 00:23:41,129 --> 00:23:42,547 Maybe you and Mark could do that. 488 00:23:42,630 --> 00:23:44,591 -You know, father-son outing. -Okay. Great. 489 00:23:44,674 --> 00:23:47,468 But some of these are... 490 00:23:47,552 --> 00:23:48,720 wax throwing? 491 00:23:48,803 --> 00:23:50,221 Axe. Axe throwing. 492 00:23:50,305 --> 00:23:53,892 -With the tomahawks and stuff. -Okay. Even better. 493 00:23:53,975 --> 00:23:57,812 Uh, "Make them catch and kill their own turkey." Ooh. [chuckles] 494 00:23:57,896 --> 00:24:00,440 Well, maybe we could combine that with the axe throwing. 495 00:24:00,523 --> 00:24:02,233 Could be fun for the kids, I think. 496 00:24:02,317 --> 00:24:05,236 Right here, "Volunteer at a soup kitchen." 497 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,071 See, that one's crossed off. 498 00:24:07,155 --> 00:24:08,573 Yeah, it could be too much. 499 00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:10,241 Polar bear plunge. 500 00:24:10,325 --> 00:24:12,243 -Terrarium. -Yeah. 501 00:24:12,327 --> 00:24:14,078 -Chips and salsa. -Larry has one. 502 00:24:14,162 --> 00:24:15,788 Overthrow Castro. I'm in. 503 00:24:15,872 --> 00:24:17,457 Ambitious. But we can do it. 504 00:24:17,540 --> 00:24:19,751 Buffalo. Three exclamation points. 505 00:24:19,834 --> 00:24:21,085 So, do we move there? 506 00:24:21,169 --> 00:24:23,129 No, no, no. We're gonna bring it here. 507 00:24:23,213 --> 00:24:25,006 [laughing] It's buffalo? 508 00:24:25,089 --> 00:24:26,466 Like an animal? 509 00:24:26,549 --> 00:24:28,301 Yeah, some of these need to bake, but-- 510 00:24:28,384 --> 00:24:31,763 You know, honey, I think you're maybe overcomplicating this. 511 00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:33,514 Why don't we just keep it simple? 512 00:24:33,598 --> 00:24:35,850 Like, we could go ice skating. You know I would love that. 513 00:24:35,934 --> 00:24:37,435 Oh, I know. 514 00:24:37,518 --> 00:24:40,813 And, you know, maybe we just do the usual Christmas stuff. 515 00:24:40,897 --> 00:24:42,523 -Really? -Yeah. 516 00:24:42,607 --> 00:24:46,444 Like, we could start with just getting the house decorated. Hm? 517 00:24:46,527 --> 00:24:47,862 -Hm? Okay? -Hm. Okay. 518 00:24:47,946 --> 00:24:49,906 It's a little boring. [chuckles] 519 00:24:49,989 --> 00:24:51,991 Okay. So... 520 00:24:52,075 --> 00:24:54,494 Ooh. No, let's start with the shower. 521 00:24:55,954 --> 00:24:57,038 Okay. 522 00:24:57,121 --> 00:24:58,790 [grunts] 523 00:25:01,125 --> 00:25:02,543 [Mrs. Parker] Ralphie, be careful! 524 00:25:02,627 --> 00:25:06,005 There's spiders as big as cats up there! 525 00:25:06,089 --> 00:25:08,299 [Ralphie] Attics are museums of indifference. 526 00:25:08,383 --> 00:25:11,219 Littered with junk you don't wanna look at, 527 00:25:11,302 --> 00:25:14,055 but don't have the courage to throw away. 528 00:25:14,138 --> 00:25:15,598 This place is a mess. 529 00:25:15,682 --> 00:25:17,892 How am I supposed to find the Christmas stuff up here? 530 00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:19,811 [Mrs. Parker] In the cardboard boxes! 531 00:25:19,894 --> 00:25:22,146 [Ralphie] Which one? There's hundreds of them. 532 00:25:22,230 --> 00:25:25,441 [Mrs. Parker] Figure it out. We're busy down here! 533 00:25:27,277 --> 00:25:29,654 [the old man] He looks like a deranged Easter bunny. 534 00:25:29,737 --> 00:25:32,282 [Ralphie sighs] And still traumatizing. 535 00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:42,959 My first typewriter. 536 00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:44,294 [chuckles] 537 00:25:44,377 --> 00:25:46,754 Oh, the stories we could tell. 538 00:25:53,511 --> 00:25:56,097 Oh! [laughs, imitates fanfare] 539 00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:58,433 The motherlode of Christmas past. 540 00:25:58,516 --> 00:26:00,184 This was gonna be easy. 541 00:26:00,268 --> 00:26:01,394 Wait. 542 00:26:02,312 --> 00:26:03,855 What the hell? 543 00:26:03,938 --> 00:26:05,940 Sandy, honey, I'm just trying to be helpful. 544 00:26:06,024 --> 00:26:07,525 That does not go there. 545 00:26:07,608 --> 00:26:09,736 I... Okay. It may be more helpful 546 00:26:09,819 --> 00:26:11,863 -if you start working-- -I'm way ahead of you. 547 00:26:11,946 --> 00:26:13,948 What is this? Ow! 548 00:26:14,032 --> 00:26:15,700 Damn it! It cut me. 549 00:26:15,783 --> 00:26:18,036 No, don't. Your mouth is just full of diseases. Come on. 550 00:26:18,119 --> 00:26:20,872 -Let's get some Bactine on that finger. -Mom, it's fine. 551 00:26:20,955 --> 00:26:24,042 [Ralphie] My mother's cure-all for any breach of the skin, 552 00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:26,461 from a splinter to a decapitation... 553 00:26:26,544 --> 00:26:28,546 was a healthy swab of Bactine. 554 00:26:28,629 --> 00:26:31,632 [blows, sighs] Your father hated that tree. 555 00:26:31,716 --> 00:26:33,760 So do I. Where did it come from? 556 00:26:33,843 --> 00:26:37,388 I bought it a few years ago, thinking it'd make things easier, 557 00:26:37,472 --> 00:26:40,266 but your father banished it to the attic. [chuckles] 558 00:26:40,350 --> 00:26:41,768 [chuckles] He was right. 559 00:26:41,851 --> 00:26:43,561 We're getting a real tree. Today. 560 00:26:43,644 --> 00:26:44,729 None of that fake junk. 561 00:26:44,812 --> 00:26:46,397 -Well, you're the boss. -Hm. 562 00:26:46,481 --> 00:26:49,484 [breathes heavily] 563 00:26:49,567 --> 00:26:51,652 What is it? 564 00:26:51,736 --> 00:26:54,572 Well, I know that you've got a lot on your shoulders, 565 00:26:54,655 --> 00:26:56,699 but I need you to do something for me. 566 00:26:56,783 --> 00:26:58,576 Yeah, Mom. Of course. Anything. 567 00:26:58,659 --> 00:27:01,704 I want you to write your father's obituary for the newspaper. 568 00:27:02,497 --> 00:27:03,664 Me? 569 00:27:03,748 --> 00:27:05,750 You are the writer in the family. 570 00:27:05,833 --> 00:27:08,044 [Ralphie] Oh, tell that to the publishing industry. 571 00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:10,880 -Yes. I'll just have to think of what to say. -[shushes] 572 00:27:10,963 --> 00:27:13,383 [carolers singing in the distance] 573 00:27:15,176 --> 00:27:20,056 -♪ Oh, we Three Kings Of Orient are ♪ -[shushes] 574 00:27:20,139 --> 00:27:21,849 -They're coming. -Who's coming? 575 00:27:21,933 --> 00:27:23,559 [shushes] 576 00:27:23,643 --> 00:27:25,353 Get down. Sandy, get down! 577 00:27:25,436 --> 00:27:27,980 [Ralphie] There are two acknowledged schools of thought 578 00:27:28,064 --> 00:27:30,775 on the holiday tradition of caroling. 579 00:27:30,858 --> 00:27:31,734 The first... 580 00:27:31,818 --> 00:27:33,403 [gasps] Carolers! 581 00:27:33,486 --> 00:27:35,947 [Ralphie] ...believes it is a gift to the world. 582 00:27:36,030 --> 00:27:37,824 -The second school... -Get the lights. 583 00:27:37,907 --> 00:27:40,493 [Ralphie] ...to which our family devoutly subscribed, 584 00:27:40,576 --> 00:27:43,788 believes carolers to be a scourge set upon the earth 585 00:27:43,871 --> 00:27:46,457 -to pillage your time and ravage your patience. -Oh. Ah! 586 00:27:46,541 --> 00:27:49,210 What are you doing? They're just carolers. 587 00:27:49,293 --> 00:27:51,879 Exactly. They're just like ticks. 588 00:27:51,963 --> 00:27:55,591 Once they get to your door, you can't get rid of 'em. Hide. 589 00:27:55,675 --> 00:27:56,968 Hide. 590 00:27:57,051 --> 00:27:59,720 ♪ Forever, ceasing never Over us all ♪ 591 00:27:59,804 --> 00:28:01,347 You're kidding, right? 592 00:28:01,431 --> 00:28:03,015 No. No. 593 00:28:03,099 --> 00:28:04,392 A couple of days ago, 594 00:28:04,475 --> 00:28:07,103 I let my guard down and they ambushed me. 595 00:28:07,186 --> 00:28:10,356 They sang three whole songs before I could break free. 596 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,608 ♪ Star with royal Beauty bright ♪ 597 00:28:12,692 --> 00:28:15,319 -Oh! They're here. -But they're so cute. 598 00:28:15,403 --> 00:28:16,821 Look at their costumes. 599 00:28:16,904 --> 00:28:18,823 Don't encourage them. 600 00:28:18,906 --> 00:28:20,533 [knocking at door] 601 00:28:20,616 --> 00:28:22,452 You know, I grew up caroling. 602 00:28:23,786 --> 00:28:25,705 [whispers] How could you? 603 00:28:25,788 --> 00:28:27,165 [whispers] I didn't know. 604 00:28:27,248 --> 00:28:29,292 But we can't just leave them out there like this. 605 00:28:29,375 --> 00:28:30,585 Oh, yes, we can! 606 00:28:30,668 --> 00:28:32,170 [yelps, grunts] 607 00:28:33,296 --> 00:28:34,589 Hey! 608 00:28:34,672 --> 00:28:36,340 The jig is up. I'll draw them off. Now, go. 609 00:28:36,424 --> 00:28:37,341 Mom, no! 610 00:28:37,425 --> 00:28:38,885 Save yourselves! Go! 611 00:28:38,968 --> 00:28:41,471 -Mom! -Save the children! 612 00:28:43,598 --> 00:28:45,808 -This is so crazy! -Come on, out! 613 00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:47,268 [breathes heavily] 614 00:28:47,351 --> 00:28:52,023 -[William] There's one over here! -Hello! 615 00:28:52,106 --> 00:28:56,027 ♪ We three kings Of orient are bearing gifts We traverse afar ♪ 616 00:28:56,110 --> 00:28:58,404 ♪ Field and fountain Moor and mountain ♪ 617 00:28:58,488 --> 00:29:00,907 Dad! There's something wrong with this axe. 618 00:29:00,990 --> 00:29:02,867 [whispers] Come on, come on. 619 00:29:02,950 --> 00:29:04,327 We should have got the chainsaw. 620 00:29:04,410 --> 00:29:06,245 We're going to get a Christmas tree, now! 621 00:29:06,329 --> 00:29:08,915 -[both excitedly] Really? -[shushing, whispering] Come on, come on. 622 00:29:08,998 --> 00:29:12,502 -♪ To reign, O... ♪ -[engine starts] 623 00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:15,254 [Olivia] They're getting away! 624 00:29:16,797 --> 00:29:18,591 I'm sorry. It was lovely! 625 00:29:20,510 --> 00:29:23,513 Merry Christmas, you... you... 626 00:29:23,596 --> 00:29:26,015 -turds! -[gasps] Terrence! 627 00:29:30,061 --> 00:29:32,063 [Ralphie] What do you think, huh? [Sandy] It's okay. 628 00:29:32,146 --> 00:29:34,148 -As long as you're... [gasps] -Look at that one. 629 00:29:34,232 --> 00:29:36,400 -Christmas trees. -[Ralphie] Pretty good. 630 00:29:36,484 --> 00:29:37,527 -[Mark] Yeah. -Okay. 631 00:29:37,610 --> 00:29:38,903 -Hello. -Hello. 632 00:29:38,986 --> 00:29:40,112 [Mark] I like that tree. [Julie] I like that one. 633 00:29:40,196 --> 00:29:41,739 Hello. Can I help you, sir? 634 00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:43,407 Uh, just looking for a tree. 635 00:29:43,491 --> 00:29:47,411 Uh, tall, short, skinny, fat? 636 00:29:47,495 --> 00:29:49,121 I'll know when I see it. 637 00:29:49,205 --> 00:29:53,543 -Well, just let me know if I-- -If I see it. 638 00:29:53,626 --> 00:29:55,253 Pretty slim pickings here, huh? 639 00:29:55,336 --> 00:29:57,421 What do you mean, Dad? There's plenty of trees. 640 00:29:58,005 --> 00:29:59,507 No, Mark. 641 00:29:59,590 --> 00:30:00,841 -Yeah, they're all so beautiful. -Come here. [shushes] 642 00:30:00,925 --> 00:30:01,884 Come here, come here. 643 00:30:01,968 --> 00:30:03,386 -Now listen. -What? 644 00:30:03,469 --> 00:30:05,346 Now, one of the many things my old man taught me 645 00:30:05,429 --> 00:30:08,266 was you have to bargain with these people or they'll rob you blind. 646 00:30:08,349 --> 00:30:11,435 -[Mark] Mm-hm. -You see, it's a battle of wits. Right? 647 00:30:11,519 --> 00:30:13,020 Can't let 'em know what you're thinking. 648 00:30:13,104 --> 00:30:14,772 But you gotta get in their head. 649 00:30:14,855 --> 00:30:17,567 Now, we open with a low bid. 650 00:30:17,650 --> 00:30:18,776 Okay? 651 00:30:18,859 --> 00:30:21,320 Real insult, right across their bow. 652 00:30:21,404 --> 00:30:24,532 And if you're willing to walk away, they'll come around. 653 00:30:24,615 --> 00:30:25,908 Hm. 654 00:30:25,992 --> 00:30:27,827 They always do. [chuckles] 655 00:30:28,953 --> 00:30:30,162 -You got it? -Hm. 656 00:30:30,246 --> 00:30:31,414 -Okay. Follow my lead. -[Mark] Yeah. 657 00:30:31,497 --> 00:30:32,790 Let's go! 658 00:30:32,873 --> 00:30:35,042 -Okay. -[Mark] Let's go. [chuckles] 659 00:30:37,545 --> 00:30:39,422 [Ralphie sighs] 660 00:30:45,970 --> 00:30:48,222 Find anything you like? 661 00:30:48,306 --> 00:30:52,476 [stutters] I mean, I suppose I could, maybe... 662 00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:55,062 with this meager inventory you have, 663 00:30:55,146 --> 00:30:58,482 I could give you three... 664 00:30:58,566 --> 00:31:00,276 maybe... 665 00:31:00,359 --> 00:31:02,653 four bucks tops... 666 00:31:02,737 --> 00:31:03,821 for that one. 667 00:31:06,449 --> 00:31:08,492 But, Ralph, isn't that-- 668 00:31:08,576 --> 00:31:10,620 [Ralphie] Not now, woman! I'm about to judo flip this bozo into the gutter! 669 00:31:10,703 --> 00:31:12,079 Sold. 670 00:31:12,163 --> 00:31:13,497 Thank you so much. 671 00:31:13,581 --> 00:31:15,750 I'll go get the twine. [chuckles] 672 00:31:15,833 --> 00:31:18,044 Yeah, you bet you will. [chuckles] 673 00:31:18,127 --> 00:31:19,670 Look at that, huh? 674 00:31:19,754 --> 00:31:22,298 [tree lot guy] Hey, Chuck, I got rid of the monster tree! 675 00:31:22,381 --> 00:31:23,966 -Bye! -[tree lot guy chuckles] 676 00:31:24,050 --> 00:31:26,510 [Sandy] Ralph, are you sure it's gonna fit in the house? 677 00:31:26,594 --> 00:31:28,387 [Ralphie] Oh, you bet. 678 00:31:28,471 --> 00:31:29,639 [Ralphie grunts] 679 00:31:29,722 --> 00:31:32,016 [Ralphie] My family was enthralled. 680 00:31:32,099 --> 00:31:35,436 Awed by the spectacle I raised before them. 681 00:31:36,395 --> 00:31:38,314 Isn't it great? 682 00:31:38,397 --> 00:31:41,734 We probably should've trimmed the tree before we brought it inside. 683 00:31:41,817 --> 00:31:43,569 No, that's just a saying. 684 00:31:43,653 --> 00:31:45,279 Nobody trims trees. 685 00:31:45,363 --> 00:31:46,947 Besides, it's perfect. 686 00:31:47,031 --> 00:31:49,575 [grunts, sighs] 687 00:31:49,659 --> 00:31:52,912 Yeah. Kinda looks like it's going through puberty. 688 00:31:52,995 --> 00:31:55,081 No wonder they gave it to us for four bucks. 689 00:31:55,164 --> 00:31:59,835 No, it's a wonder how I actually negotiated the deal of a lifetime. 690 00:32:01,962 --> 00:32:03,673 Oh! [chuckles] 691 00:32:04,423 --> 00:32:06,634 [laughs] 692 00:32:06,717 --> 00:32:09,095 -Let's get to work. Come on! -[music playing over radio] 693 00:32:09,178 --> 00:32:11,222 -Okay! -Come on! Let's go! 694 00:32:11,305 --> 00:32:12,348 Decoration time! 695 00:32:12,431 --> 00:32:14,725 A beautiful little angel. 696 00:32:14,809 --> 00:32:16,686 -[radio powers off] -[Sandy] Radio. 697 00:32:16,769 --> 00:32:18,062 Radio. Okay. 698 00:32:18,145 --> 00:32:20,731 Um, what about this one? Nothing important? 699 00:32:20,815 --> 00:32:22,066 -No. -[Ralphie] All right. 700 00:32:22,149 --> 00:32:24,485 Three, two, one... 701 00:32:24,568 --> 00:32:26,195 -[music resumes] -Hey! 702 00:32:26,278 --> 00:32:28,072 [all cheering] 703 00:32:28,155 --> 00:32:29,740 I don't think we should have so much red. 704 00:32:33,744 --> 00:32:34,912 I like that. Ooh. 705 00:32:34,995 --> 00:32:36,789 -Cheers! -Cheers! 706 00:32:36,872 --> 00:32:37,915 [exclaims] 707 00:32:39,458 --> 00:32:41,419 Cheers. You, too, yeah. 708 00:32:41,502 --> 00:32:43,921 [Ralphie] Now, one of the best reasons to have children 709 00:32:44,004 --> 00:32:48,217 is to make them do the things you don't wanna do as an adult. 710 00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:49,552 This a good place? 711 00:32:49,635 --> 00:32:50,761 -Higher than that. -[Ralphie] Go, go, go. 712 00:32:50,845 --> 00:32:51,762 -Here? -[Sandy] Your hand. 713 00:32:51,846 --> 00:32:52,972 -Yeah. Now up. -Now in. 714 00:32:53,055 --> 00:32:54,014 -Here? -Both. 715 00:32:54,098 --> 00:32:55,516 In and up. 716 00:32:55,599 --> 00:32:57,059 -Go in and up. -Why didn't you just point there? 717 00:32:57,143 --> 00:32:58,894 -[Ralphie] Looks good. -Yeah. 718 00:32:58,978 --> 00:33:01,939 -Keep it up, guys. -How come you're not helping? 719 00:33:02,022 --> 00:33:04,108 -We're having fun watching you. -Yeah. 720 00:33:04,191 --> 00:33:07,528 When it's just us, it kind of feels like child labor. 721 00:33:07,611 --> 00:33:08,946 [laughs] 722 00:33:09,029 --> 00:33:11,115 Oh, no, honey, it's not labor if we don't pay you. 723 00:33:11,198 --> 00:33:13,451 -Yeah. -[both groan] 724 00:33:13,534 --> 00:33:15,703 -Cheers. -Cheers. 725 00:33:15,786 --> 00:33:17,997 You're hanging too many on the bottom. 726 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:21,292 -Well, I can't reach that height! -Use the ladder. 727 00:33:21,375 --> 00:33:22,752 [chuckles] 728 00:33:22,835 --> 00:33:23,919 [Sandy] Careful, honey. 729 00:33:24,003 --> 00:33:25,171 Yeah, Mark, hold the ladder. 730 00:33:25,254 --> 00:33:27,131 I am! 731 00:33:27,214 --> 00:33:28,799 [Ralphie] Yeah, you're doing good, honey. 732 00:33:28,883 --> 00:33:30,551 -Just get up a little higher. -It looks really good. 733 00:33:30,634 --> 00:33:31,719 What next? 734 00:33:31,802 --> 00:33:33,137 We have the whole side over here, 735 00:33:33,220 --> 00:33:34,513 -the one that faces the window. -Mm-hm. 736 00:33:34,597 --> 00:33:35,931 [sighs] 737 00:33:36,015 --> 00:33:38,142 Grandma! Are you sleeping? 738 00:33:38,225 --> 00:33:40,186 No, just resting my eyes. 739 00:33:43,397 --> 00:33:45,399 It was more fun with all of us. 740 00:33:45,483 --> 00:33:48,736 Yeah. Grandpa always helped us finish the tree. 741 00:33:48,819 --> 00:33:50,529 -You know what? You're right. -Yep. 742 00:33:50,613 --> 00:33:52,990 -All right. Here we come. Come on. -Okay. 743 00:33:53,073 --> 00:33:56,202 -[Ralphie] The tree topper! -It's not an angel. 744 00:33:56,285 --> 00:33:57,995 We always have an angel. 745 00:33:58,078 --> 00:34:00,748 [Ralphie] Uh-oh. Better think fast. 746 00:34:00,831 --> 00:34:02,333 Not here in Hohman. 747 00:34:03,709 --> 00:34:05,002 Uh-oh! 748 00:34:05,085 --> 00:34:06,462 Here. Honey, hold this, will you? 749 00:34:06,545 --> 00:34:08,255 Kids, come over here by Grandma. Come on. 750 00:34:08,339 --> 00:34:10,007 [Ralphie] To hook this little guppy, 751 00:34:10,090 --> 00:34:13,803 I'd need just the right combo of mystique and legend. 752 00:34:13,886 --> 00:34:17,014 Here in Hohman, it's star country. 753 00:34:17,097 --> 00:34:19,934 If you don't have a star, you can forget about it. 754 00:34:20,017 --> 00:34:22,353 Santa won't even stop by your house. 755 00:34:22,436 --> 00:34:23,771 Wait. Huh? 756 00:34:23,854 --> 00:34:25,439 [whispering] I'm improvising. 757 00:34:25,523 --> 00:34:27,483 Building new traditions. 758 00:34:27,566 --> 00:34:29,985 -It's good. -Okay. 759 00:34:30,069 --> 00:34:31,403 No doubt about it. 760 00:34:32,279 --> 00:34:34,240 Around these parts... 761 00:34:34,323 --> 00:34:36,951 no star, no Christmas. 762 00:34:37,034 --> 00:34:40,913 -[Ralphie] Come on, take the bait. -Mm. 763 00:34:40,996 --> 00:34:42,706 That's it. 764 00:34:42,790 --> 00:34:43,958 Okay. 765 00:34:44,041 --> 00:34:45,543 Hook, line and sinker. 766 00:34:45,626 --> 00:34:48,128 [all cheering] 767 00:34:51,757 --> 00:34:54,426 -[Sandy] Ralph, we're leaving in 15. -Okay. 768 00:34:56,428 --> 00:34:59,431 -[Sandy] How's it going up here? -Oh. Couldn't be better. 769 00:35:03,811 --> 00:35:05,020 Look at this. 770 00:35:05,104 --> 00:35:07,148 These obituaries are so impersonal. 771 00:35:07,231 --> 00:35:10,276 Well, make it un-impersonal. 772 00:35:10,359 --> 00:35:13,737 This will be the last time most folks ever give him a thought. 773 00:35:13,821 --> 00:35:14,905 It's a lot of pressure. 774 00:35:14,989 --> 00:35:15,990 Yeah. 775 00:35:18,033 --> 00:35:20,327 If anyone can do it, it's you. 776 00:35:20,411 --> 00:35:23,247 -I gotta finish getting ready. -All right. I'll be down in a few. 777 00:35:23,330 --> 00:35:24,415 Okay. 778 00:35:24,498 --> 00:35:25,791 [sighs] 779 00:35:34,383 --> 00:35:36,385 [typewriter clacking] 780 00:35:39,179 --> 00:35:41,473 [Ralphie] The human animal has an incredible knack 781 00:35:41,557 --> 00:35:44,351 for avoiding its greatest responsibilities 782 00:35:44,435 --> 00:35:46,478 when any easier pursuit... 783 00:35:48,397 --> 00:35:50,024 is nearby. 784 00:35:50,107 --> 00:35:52,276 -[phone ringing] -Don't answer it! 785 00:35:52,359 --> 00:35:54,904 Expecting a big call from my manager. 786 00:35:56,822 --> 00:35:58,073 [clears throat] 787 00:36:00,701 --> 00:36:02,870 Good afternoon. Mr. Ralph Parker speaking. 788 00:36:02,953 --> 00:36:04,955 [man] Good afternoon to you, Mr. Parker. 789 00:36:05,039 --> 00:36:09,376 I do hope that we have not caught you at an inconvenient time. 790 00:36:09,460 --> 00:36:10,210 No. 791 00:36:10,294 --> 00:36:12,296 Your Excellency. 792 00:36:13,047 --> 00:36:13,923 Randy. 793 00:36:14,006 --> 00:36:15,257 Yeah. 794 00:36:15,341 --> 00:36:17,134 Well, who were you expecting, President Nixon? 795 00:36:17,217 --> 00:36:20,095 [Ralphie] To everyone's amazement, my kid brother, Randy, 796 00:36:20,179 --> 00:36:22,097 had done quite well for himself, 797 00:36:22,181 --> 00:36:25,142 traveling the globe for business, a regular Rockefeller. 798 00:36:25,225 --> 00:36:27,353 [Randy] So I'm calling to see how Mom's holding up. 799 00:36:27,436 --> 00:36:29,313 Yeah, she said you're on your way. 800 00:36:29,396 --> 00:36:32,942 [sighs] Look, Ralph, it's... 801 00:36:33,025 --> 00:36:36,946 it's not that easy getting from India to Indiana. 802 00:36:37,029 --> 00:36:38,822 But you're working on it, right? 803 00:36:38,906 --> 00:36:40,407 Yeah. I'm at the airport. 804 00:36:40,491 --> 00:36:42,618 Just waiting for my plane to show up. 805 00:36:42,701 --> 00:36:46,372 [Ralphie] And true to form, Randy was burying his head in the sand. 806 00:36:46,455 --> 00:36:47,831 So how's Mom? 807 00:36:47,915 --> 00:36:49,625 Now, the unspoken rule amongst siblings 808 00:36:49,708 --> 00:36:52,544 is that under certain extraordinary circumstances, 809 00:36:52,628 --> 00:36:57,341 a hit below the belt is not only fair but necessary. 810 00:36:57,424 --> 00:37:00,594 I think she is getting her strength back. 811 00:37:00,678 --> 00:37:01,887 What does that mean? 812 00:37:01,971 --> 00:37:04,765 She finally ate something. Thank God. 813 00:37:05,891 --> 00:37:07,267 Half a cracker. 814 00:37:07,351 --> 00:37:08,352 A cracker? 815 00:37:08,435 --> 00:37:10,271 Wait, that's it? A cracker? 816 00:37:10,354 --> 00:37:12,147 Yeah, she's still in bed. 817 00:37:12,231 --> 00:37:13,816 -[whispers] Hi, Mom. -[mouthing] Hi. 818 00:37:13,899 --> 00:37:16,235 But she did speak today. 819 00:37:16,318 --> 00:37:17,861 [chortles] 820 00:37:17,945 --> 00:37:19,071 What'd she say? 821 00:37:20,030 --> 00:37:20,990 A... 822 00:37:21,699 --> 00:37:23,158 It was one word. 823 00:37:24,201 --> 00:37:25,119 She said... 824 00:37:26,161 --> 00:37:27,371 "Randy." 825 00:37:27,454 --> 00:37:28,706 Oh. 826 00:37:28,789 --> 00:37:30,541 But we all know how busy you are 827 00:37:30,624 --> 00:37:31,709 -and how hard you're trying to get here. -No, wait! 828 00:37:31,792 --> 00:37:33,210 Ralphie, Ralphie! Wait, no! 829 00:37:33,293 --> 00:37:34,378 -Ralphie, don't go. -Oh. I think she's up. 830 00:37:34,461 --> 00:37:35,212 Ralphie, don't go, don't go. 831 00:37:35,295 --> 00:37:37,256 Okay, gotta go. 832 00:37:37,339 --> 00:37:38,882 -Don't hang up on me now, Ralphie. Ralphie-- -Good luck, Randy. Bye. 833 00:37:38,966 --> 00:37:40,092 [laughs] 834 00:37:50,060 --> 00:37:53,564 [Ralphie] There are hobbyists, dabblers, and dilettantes. 835 00:37:53,647 --> 00:37:55,566 -But they all take a backseat... -Blade covers. 836 00:37:55,649 --> 00:37:58,318 -...to the most annoying amateur of all... -Pom-poms. 837 00:37:58,402 --> 00:38:00,821 the aficionado. 838 00:38:00,904 --> 00:38:03,198 She packed her own skates? 839 00:38:03,282 --> 00:38:04,575 -Always. -Oh. 840 00:38:04,658 --> 00:38:06,535 You look like a princess. 841 00:38:06,618 --> 00:38:10,372 [Ralphie] My wife was a self-avowed figure skating devotee. 842 00:38:10,456 --> 00:38:12,124 Okay. Let's go. 843 00:38:12,207 --> 00:38:13,542 Let's go. 844 00:38:13,625 --> 00:38:15,169 -Have fun, Ralphie. -Bye, Mom. 845 00:38:15,252 --> 00:38:17,921 [Ralphie] Her keen ability to recall every skater, 846 00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:20,758 move, and point value was matched only by... 847 00:38:20,841 --> 00:38:22,217 [yelps] 848 00:38:22,301 --> 00:38:25,471 ...her complete lack of athletic ability. 849 00:38:27,056 --> 00:38:30,392 You know, I really am good once I get on the ice. 850 00:38:30,476 --> 00:38:34,271 Well, you have such sturdy ankles. I'm surprised they gave out. 851 00:38:34,354 --> 00:38:35,689 [footsteps approaching] 852 00:38:35,773 --> 00:38:37,316 [breathing deeply] Ah. Ah. 853 00:38:37,399 --> 00:38:39,777 Hey, look. Found these in the attic. 854 00:38:39,860 --> 00:38:40,944 Pretty fun. 855 00:38:41,028 --> 00:38:42,321 -[laughs] -Thank you. 856 00:38:42,404 --> 00:38:44,698 All right. I'll leave these with you, honey. 857 00:38:44,782 --> 00:38:47,534 -Like, I can do tricks and stuff. -Uh-huh. 858 00:38:47,618 --> 00:38:49,787 [horn tooting] 859 00:38:51,955 --> 00:38:53,832 [bully screams] 860 00:38:53,916 --> 00:38:55,959 [Ralphie] Most bullies enjoy a little time off for the holidays, 861 00:38:56,043 --> 00:39:00,089 but for devoted lifers like these, the hunt never ends. 862 00:39:00,172 --> 00:39:01,882 I can even do an arabesque. 863 00:39:01,965 --> 00:39:04,760 Is that what you did off the front porch? 864 00:39:05,469 --> 00:39:06,970 Uh... 865 00:39:07,054 --> 00:39:09,306 [Ralphie] Like unaware prey on the Serengeti, 866 00:39:09,389 --> 00:39:13,811 Julie, Mark, and Delbert were distracted by the Bumpus' junkyard jungle. 867 00:39:13,894 --> 00:39:16,313 -Slow down! I get car sick. -What? 868 00:39:16,396 --> 00:39:18,816 -[horn tooting] -[Ralphie] What happened next was inevitable. 869 00:39:18,899 --> 00:39:19,983 Mark, they're back! 870 00:39:20,067 --> 00:39:21,318 Go to the backyard. 871 00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:22,736 Whoa. Here they are. 872 00:39:23,862 --> 00:39:25,280 -[Mark grunts] -[bully laughs] 873 00:39:25,364 --> 00:39:27,282 -You better run! -[Julie] Come on, Mark. 874 00:39:27,366 --> 00:39:28,826 -Hurry! -[Delbert] See you later. 875 00:39:28,909 --> 00:39:31,161 -[bully] Aw... He's stuck. -[grunts] 876 00:39:31,245 --> 00:39:33,580 -Hey, kids, do you wanna play some-- -[bully laughs] 877 00:39:33,664 --> 00:39:35,290 [Mark] Stop. 878 00:39:35,374 --> 00:39:36,959 [Ralphie] Barbarians! 879 00:39:37,042 --> 00:39:38,794 Oh, not on my watch. 880 00:39:38,877 --> 00:39:40,462 -Let him go! -Say it and we'll let you go. 881 00:39:40,546 --> 00:39:42,005 -[screams] -[laughs] 882 00:39:42,089 --> 00:39:43,632 -Just say it. Mercy. -No! 883 00:39:43,715 --> 00:39:44,842 -Just say it. -Say it. 884 00:39:44,925 --> 00:39:46,760 Okay, mercy! 885 00:39:46,844 --> 00:39:48,053 Hey! That's enough! 886 00:39:48,137 --> 00:39:50,013 -It's his dad. We gotta bail. -[grunts] 887 00:39:50,097 --> 00:39:51,223 Go, go, go! 888 00:39:51,306 --> 00:39:53,851 Babies need their daddy to save them. 889 00:39:53,934 --> 00:39:55,060 See you next time! 890 00:39:55,144 --> 00:39:56,895 -Mark, you're okay? -Leave me alone. 891 00:39:57,729 --> 00:39:59,356 [Julie cries] 892 00:39:59,439 --> 00:40:01,108 -Mom. -Oh... 893 00:40:01,191 --> 00:40:03,318 Oh, you're okay. Oh, here we go. 894 00:40:03,402 --> 00:40:04,862 -Come on. -Now you done it. 895 00:40:04,945 --> 00:40:06,446 It's open season on us. 896 00:40:07,281 --> 00:40:08,448 Dumbass. 897 00:40:10,409 --> 00:40:12,578 Watch your mouth. 898 00:40:12,661 --> 00:40:15,080 [Ralphie] Was he right? Was there untold wisdom lurking behind Delbert's dead eyes? 899 00:40:15,164 --> 00:40:18,375 By protecting them, was I making things worse? 900 00:40:20,669 --> 00:40:22,337 Pa, they're back! 901 00:40:22,421 --> 00:40:24,047 [Sandy gasps] 902 00:40:24,131 --> 00:40:25,716 Oh, Lordy be! 903 00:40:25,799 --> 00:40:27,634 -Not Black Bart and his gang. -[Mark gasps] 904 00:40:27,718 --> 00:40:31,138 [Julie] Your old nemesis. What we gonna do? 905 00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:35,142 We gonna fight. 906 00:40:44,693 --> 00:40:46,612 We meet again. 907 00:40:49,156 --> 00:40:50,490 Ralphie. 908 00:40:54,995 --> 00:40:56,496 Follow my lead. 909 00:40:59,041 --> 00:41:00,417 [grunting] 910 00:41:03,754 --> 00:41:04,922 [grunts] 911 00:41:05,005 --> 00:41:06,215 Fire! 912 00:41:08,008 --> 00:41:09,885 [grunting] 913 00:41:11,178 --> 00:41:12,387 [Julie] Get out of my way! 914 00:41:12,471 --> 00:41:14,973 Fight back. What are you doing? 915 00:41:15,057 --> 00:41:16,391 [laughs] 916 00:41:16,475 --> 00:41:18,268 They're useless. 917 00:41:18,352 --> 00:41:19,770 Not Mark! 918 00:41:23,690 --> 00:41:25,609 [Mark] Pa! Save me! 919 00:41:25,692 --> 00:41:27,903 -[distorted groan] -[gasps] 920 00:41:27,986 --> 00:41:29,196 [distorted] No! 921 00:41:29,279 --> 00:41:30,948 [pained grunts] 922 00:41:31,782 --> 00:41:33,742 [Julie] Oh, no! Pa! 923 00:41:33,825 --> 00:41:36,411 We'll be back, Ralphie. 924 00:41:36,495 --> 00:41:39,873 And you won't be around to save 'em. 925 00:41:39,957 --> 00:41:41,792 [laughs] 926 00:41:41,875 --> 00:41:43,961 Let's ride! 927 00:41:44,044 --> 00:41:45,754 -[horse neighs] -[laughs] 928 00:41:45,837 --> 00:41:48,507 -[Ralphie gasps] -[crying] 929 00:41:49,675 --> 00:41:50,968 [Sandy] Oh, Ralph. 930 00:41:51,051 --> 00:41:53,136 [Mark] Who's going to fight for us now, Pa? 931 00:41:53,220 --> 00:41:56,431 [Julie] We're as good as coyote food. 932 00:41:56,515 --> 00:41:58,475 [all crying] 933 00:41:58,558 --> 00:42:02,020 [Ralphie] Every parent learns you can't protect your kids forever. 934 00:42:02,104 --> 00:42:05,232 Eventually, they have to do it for themselves. 935 00:42:07,651 --> 00:42:10,529 I needed to get Christmas back on the rails. 936 00:42:10,612 --> 00:42:15,701 And no better place than the biggest and brightest distraction in all of Hohman. 937 00:42:16,576 --> 00:42:17,995 [indistinct chatter] 938 00:42:18,078 --> 00:42:20,038 -Look at that. It's the Higbee's window. -Wow. 939 00:42:20,122 --> 00:42:22,624 -You guys wanna go see it? Go, go, go. -Yeah. 940 00:42:22,708 --> 00:42:24,668 [Sandy] Wow! [Ralphie] It's pretty good, right? 941 00:42:24,751 --> 00:42:26,420 [Sandy] It's just like you described it. 942 00:42:29,590 --> 00:42:31,174 [toy train toots] 943 00:42:31,258 --> 00:42:33,593 [Ralphie] Magically withstanding the test of time... 944 00:42:33,677 --> 00:42:36,805 the window at Higbee's did not disappoint. 945 00:42:40,350 --> 00:42:43,603 Casting its spell on young and old alike. 946 00:42:48,025 --> 00:42:52,321 Slowly, I could feel the Christmas ember beginning to glow again. 947 00:42:52,404 --> 00:42:55,824 Time to turn it up to a full-blown crackle. 948 00:42:55,907 --> 00:42:57,659 Who wants to go see Santa? 949 00:42:57,743 --> 00:42:58,785 [gasps] 950 00:42:58,869 --> 00:43:00,037 -He's inside right now. -Oh, yes! 951 00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:02,331 -Oh, yes. -Come on, let's go. 952 00:43:03,874 --> 00:43:07,794 [Santa] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! 953 00:43:13,550 --> 00:43:15,344 This is amazing! 954 00:43:15,427 --> 00:43:17,220 Incredible! 955 00:43:17,304 --> 00:43:18,889 [Ralphie laughs] It was. 956 00:43:18,972 --> 00:43:22,309 Thank God. It really was. 957 00:43:22,392 --> 00:43:24,227 Okay. Go get in line for Santa. 958 00:43:24,311 --> 00:43:26,897 -And we will meet you right here when you're done. -Okay, Mom. 959 00:43:26,980 --> 00:43:28,857 -Bye. Love you. -All right. Bye. Love you. [laughs] 960 00:43:28,940 --> 00:43:30,984 [Ralphie] Seeing Christmas through your children's eyes 961 00:43:31,068 --> 00:43:34,488 has the power to summon long-forgotten memories and emotions. 962 00:43:34,571 --> 00:43:36,239 Don't let him kick you in the face. 963 00:43:36,323 --> 00:43:37,741 -Huh? -Oh, it's okay. 964 00:43:37,824 --> 00:43:39,743 Uh, all right. What do we got? 965 00:43:39,826 --> 00:43:41,828 Okay, all right. I have got the Christmas budget and here's the list. 966 00:43:41,912 --> 00:43:43,246 -Oh, well. You kids have fun. -All right. 967 00:43:43,330 --> 00:43:44,664 I'm going to the lounge. 968 00:43:44,748 --> 00:43:46,166 -Bye, Ma. -Bye. 969 00:43:46,249 --> 00:43:48,126 Okay. Flexible Flyer F-23. 970 00:43:48,210 --> 00:43:50,754 -Hungry Hungry Hippos, Easy-Bake Oven. -Mm-hm. Yeah. It's all there. 971 00:43:50,837 --> 00:43:51,922 -All right. Ready? -Yeah. 972 00:43:52,005 --> 00:43:53,340 -Let's go! -Let's go! 973 00:43:53,423 --> 00:43:56,551 -[grunts] -[pained grunts] 974 00:43:56,635 --> 00:43:58,762 -Here you go, sir. Sorry about that. -Are you okay? 975 00:43:58,845 --> 00:44:00,430 -I'm so sorry. -Everybody's okay. 976 00:44:00,514 --> 00:44:01,973 -Here we go. Let's get you off your feet. -Okay. 977 00:44:02,057 --> 00:44:03,767 -I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. -Merry Christmas, buddy. 978 00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:05,435 Thank you. 979 00:44:05,519 --> 00:44:07,187 -Oh, there she is. -Hi, Ma. 980 00:44:07,270 --> 00:44:08,647 -Hi! -[Ralphie] We had a little accident. 981 00:44:08,730 --> 00:44:09,981 -Sit down. -[Ralphie] Okay. 982 00:44:10,065 --> 00:44:11,483 -Here we go. -[Sandy] Thank you. 983 00:44:11,566 --> 00:44:12,984 [Mrs. Parker] There. [Sandy] Oh, God. Okay. 984 00:44:13,068 --> 00:44:14,945 -I got it. I got it. Okay. -[Sandy exclaims] 985 00:44:15,028 --> 00:44:16,655 -All right, I'm gonna go. I got this. -Are you sure you're okay? 986 00:44:16,738 --> 00:44:18,532 -No problem. I can do it. I got it. -Okay. Good luck. 987 00:44:19,324 --> 00:44:20,117 Ooh. 988 00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:21,618 -Want one? -Yeah. 989 00:44:24,830 --> 00:44:26,581 ♪ We wish you A merry Christmas ♪ 990 00:44:26,665 --> 00:44:28,333 ♪ We wish you A merry Christmas ♪ 991 00:44:28,417 --> 00:44:30,168 ♪ We wish you A merry Christmas ♪ 992 00:44:30,252 --> 00:44:32,045 ♪ And a happy new year ♪ 993 00:44:32,921 --> 00:44:34,548 [Santa] Ho, ho, ho! 994 00:44:34,631 --> 00:44:35,674 Want some? 995 00:44:36,550 --> 00:44:37,551 [both] No. 996 00:44:38,552 --> 00:44:39,553 Okay. 997 00:44:41,138 --> 00:44:42,889 [panting] 998 00:44:42,973 --> 00:44:44,558 I like this kind of Christmas shopping. 999 00:44:44,641 --> 00:44:46,810 Oh, it's very civilized. 1000 00:44:46,893 --> 00:44:48,645 [cashier] Merry Christmas... 1001 00:44:48,728 --> 00:44:49,896 All right. I got the puzzle. 1002 00:44:49,980 --> 00:44:51,481 -And all the little stuff. -Okay. 1003 00:44:51,565 --> 00:44:53,024 -Ooh. Good work, good work. -Pretty good start. 1004 00:44:53,108 --> 00:44:54,568 -Where are the kids? -About halfway through. 1005 00:44:54,651 --> 00:44:56,236 -Okay. All right. Go, go, go. -All right. Okay. 1006 00:44:56,319 --> 00:44:58,613 My husband's doing all the Christmas shopping. 1007 00:44:58,697 --> 00:45:00,866 She had a skating accident. 1008 00:45:12,544 --> 00:45:14,129 Are you sure you don't want some? 1009 00:45:14,754 --> 00:45:15,922 [both] Yeah. 1010 00:45:16,006 --> 00:45:17,048 Okay. 1011 00:45:19,885 --> 00:45:21,052 [woman] I never-- 1012 00:45:23,472 --> 00:45:25,432 [laughs] 1013 00:45:25,515 --> 00:45:28,101 -Ah! Merry Christmas! -[screams] 1014 00:45:29,603 --> 00:45:30,979 We got a wild one. 1015 00:45:31,062 --> 00:45:32,230 Get her up. 1016 00:45:32,314 --> 00:45:33,607 Last chance. 1017 00:45:33,690 --> 00:45:35,192 We're good. 1018 00:45:35,275 --> 00:45:36,485 Okay. 1019 00:45:40,947 --> 00:45:42,157 [Santa] Ho, ho, ho. 1020 00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:43,700 Merry Christmas. 1021 00:45:43,783 --> 00:45:45,118 -Who's next? -All right. You're next. Come on up. 1022 00:45:45,202 --> 00:45:47,412 -Come on. -Let's go. Are you? Let's go. 1023 00:45:47,496 --> 00:45:49,247 Let's go. Come on! 1024 00:45:49,331 --> 00:45:51,500 Don't you dare! Ah! 1025 00:45:51,583 --> 00:45:52,501 Oh, Lord. 1026 00:45:52,584 --> 00:45:53,543 [male elf] Jeez! Get the mop. 1027 00:45:53,627 --> 00:45:55,378 Go get the mop. Come on. 1028 00:45:55,462 --> 00:45:56,546 -You gotta put it in a letter this year. -Get out of here, kid. 1029 00:45:56,630 --> 00:45:57,130 Come back tomorrow. 1030 00:45:57,214 --> 00:45:58,548 [laughs] 1031 00:45:58,632 --> 00:46:00,175 I really shouldn't drink this much on an empty stomach. 1032 00:46:00,258 --> 00:46:02,636 -I have a candy cane in my purse. -Mm. 1033 00:46:02,719 --> 00:46:04,888 [Ralphie] Oh, come on, come on, lady, please 1034 00:46:06,097 --> 00:46:07,224 [sighs] 1035 00:46:14,147 --> 00:46:15,232 [grunts] 1036 00:46:17,609 --> 00:46:18,818 [grunts] 1037 00:46:24,824 --> 00:46:26,826 [male elf] Merry Christmas! 1038 00:46:26,910 --> 00:46:29,204 So you're the real Santa Claus? 1039 00:46:29,287 --> 00:46:31,039 [male elf] Oh, here we go again. 1040 00:46:31,915 --> 00:46:33,083 Why, yes, I am. 1041 00:46:33,166 --> 00:46:35,168 -Reindeer. How many? -Eight. 1042 00:46:35,252 --> 00:46:37,963 -Naughty kids. What do they get? -Coal. 1043 00:46:38,046 --> 00:46:39,422 Your legal name? 1044 00:46:39,506 --> 00:46:40,757 Kristopher Kringle. 1045 00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:44,302 North Pole. Longitude and latitude? 1046 00:46:44,386 --> 00:46:47,931 90 North by 135 West. 1047 00:46:48,014 --> 00:46:50,850 You're good. Very good. 1048 00:46:50,934 --> 00:46:52,143 Yes, I am. 1049 00:46:52,227 --> 00:46:55,313 Tree-toppers. Star or angel? 1050 00:46:59,526 --> 00:47:03,363 [Ralphie] Come on, Kringle, don't screw this up. 1051 00:47:03,446 --> 00:47:05,615 -Star! -[Ralphie laughs] That's my guy! 1052 00:47:05,699 --> 00:47:08,451 -[gasps] You really are Santa. -Yes, I am! 1053 00:47:08,535 --> 00:47:10,245 Okay. I want... 1054 00:47:10,328 --> 00:47:12,330 -[whispers] -Huh. 1055 00:47:13,540 --> 00:47:15,166 Well, the cat, I can do. 1056 00:47:15,250 --> 00:47:17,627 The other thing, you're on your own. 1057 00:47:18,211 --> 00:47:19,212 Deal. 1058 00:47:20,547 --> 00:47:23,967 All right. Here we go. Merry Christmas! Hey! 1059 00:47:25,051 --> 00:47:27,012 Hey, Santa. What other thing? 1060 00:47:27,095 --> 00:47:29,014 The kid asked for a radiator... 1061 00:47:29,931 --> 00:47:31,808 for a '66 Plymouth. 1062 00:47:33,560 --> 00:47:34,811 [pants] 1063 00:47:34,894 --> 00:47:36,563 -[woman 1] Oh, let go! -[woman 2 screams] 1064 00:47:36,646 --> 00:47:39,274 -[laughing] -[gasps] 1065 00:47:39,357 --> 00:47:40,609 Did you do it? 1066 00:47:41,943 --> 00:47:44,446 [cheering] 1067 00:47:46,072 --> 00:47:48,199 You didn't think he could do it. 1068 00:47:48,283 --> 00:47:49,784 [laughing] 1069 00:47:49,868 --> 00:47:51,328 ♪ Jingle bells, Batman smells ♪ 1070 00:47:51,411 --> 00:47:53,663 ♪ Robin laid an egg ♪ 1071 00:47:53,747 --> 00:47:56,124 ♪ The Batmobile Lost its wheel ♪ 1072 00:47:56,207 --> 00:47:58,251 ♪ And the Joker got away ♪ 1073 00:47:58,335 --> 00:48:00,420 [all blowing raspberry, laughing] 1074 00:48:00,503 --> 00:48:02,213 [Sandy] You got my mouth. 1075 00:48:02,297 --> 00:48:04,341 Oh, damn radiator! 1076 00:48:04,424 --> 00:48:06,676 -[all] Ah... -[Sandy] Are you kidding me? 1077 00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:09,471 [Julie] Again? [Mrs. Parker] Poor Ralphie. 1078 00:48:09,554 --> 00:48:10,388 [sighs] 1079 00:48:10,472 --> 00:48:11,556 -Egg. -Yeah. 1080 00:48:13,892 --> 00:48:16,227 -We're out. -Ah, you gotta be kidding. 1081 00:48:16,311 --> 00:48:18,688 All right. Well, get comfortable. It's gonna be a while. 1082 00:48:18,772 --> 00:48:20,523 Gotta let it cool on its own. 1083 00:48:20,607 --> 00:48:22,067 [Julie] Oh, man! 1084 00:48:23,068 --> 00:48:24,653 Mom, can we play in the snow? 1085 00:48:24,736 --> 00:48:26,154 Yeah. Why not? 1086 00:48:26,946 --> 00:48:28,782 Bring your gloves. 1087 00:48:28,865 --> 00:48:31,451 [Ralphie imitating Mrs. Parker] "No, honey, get the Plymouth." 1088 00:48:31,534 --> 00:48:32,577 Stinkin'... 1089 00:48:33,244 --> 00:48:35,038 [grunts, laughs] 1090 00:48:35,121 --> 00:48:37,457 [Ralphie] No, no, no. That's not how you do it. 1091 00:48:37,540 --> 00:48:40,210 You gotta pack it tighter if you want it to go further. 1092 00:48:40,293 --> 00:48:42,087 Here, let me show you. 1093 00:48:42,170 --> 00:48:43,713 You gotta pack it up. 1094 00:48:43,797 --> 00:48:46,216 Come on, you guys have made snowballs before. Here. 1095 00:48:46,299 --> 00:48:48,385 If you want it to go far, you gotta pack it. Pack it. 1096 00:48:48,468 --> 00:48:51,304 Push it. See, the tighter you pack it, the further it will go. 1097 00:48:51,388 --> 00:48:53,890 Like this. Then it goes... 1098 00:48:53,973 --> 00:48:56,726 Like that, all right? Good luck. 1099 00:48:57,477 --> 00:48:58,770 Like that? 1100 00:48:58,853 --> 00:49:01,564 [all laughing] 1101 00:49:01,648 --> 00:49:03,149 [Ralphie] The question is... 1102 00:49:04,359 --> 00:49:06,403 do you have enough ammo? 1103 00:49:06,486 --> 00:49:07,862 [all grunt] 1104 00:49:07,946 --> 00:49:09,072 What did I do? 1105 00:49:09,155 --> 00:49:10,782 -You're his accomplice. -[screams] 1106 00:49:10,865 --> 00:49:12,242 [Ralphie] Snowball fight! 1107 00:49:12,325 --> 00:49:14,160 [children scream] 1108 00:49:14,244 --> 00:49:15,662 You shouldn't have challenged me. 1109 00:49:15,745 --> 00:49:17,580 [grunting] 1110 00:49:17,664 --> 00:49:19,249 -[Julie screams] -Get him! Get him! 1111 00:49:19,332 --> 00:49:20,667 Get 'em, Ralphie! 1112 00:49:22,377 --> 00:49:23,253 Come on. 1113 00:49:23,336 --> 00:49:24,713 [grunting] 1114 00:49:25,839 --> 00:49:27,632 -[grunts] -[laughs] 1115 00:49:27,716 --> 00:49:30,343 -[laughs] I thought you were injured. -Mm. 1116 00:49:30,427 --> 00:49:33,263 -I'm feeling no pain. -Well, whose side are you on? 1117 00:49:33,346 --> 00:49:35,348 Uh... me and Mark. 1118 00:49:35,432 --> 00:49:38,101 -And you and Julie. -[grunts, laughs] 1119 00:49:38,184 --> 00:49:40,353 -Oh, you got it. -[screams] 1120 00:49:40,437 --> 00:49:42,105 -Come on, Mom! -Stop. Take cover. 1121 00:49:42,188 --> 00:49:43,606 Oh, God. Oh, God. 1122 00:49:43,690 --> 00:49:45,316 -Now! -[Mrs. Parker] Hey! 1123 00:49:45,400 --> 00:49:48,528 Wait for me. Oh! [grunts] 1124 00:49:48,611 --> 00:49:49,779 Back in the car, Ma! 1125 00:49:50,447 --> 00:49:51,614 Oh, yeah. 1126 00:49:51,698 --> 00:49:53,324 That's a good idea. 1127 00:49:54,033 --> 00:49:55,452 [laughing] 1128 00:49:58,621 --> 00:50:01,332 No, no, no. Head for cover! Run! 1129 00:50:01,416 --> 00:50:03,585 -I bet you can't hit me! -Want to bet? 1130 00:50:03,668 --> 00:50:05,462 -Yes, we can! -No, you can't! 1131 00:50:05,545 --> 00:50:07,505 [Ralphie] Oh, yeah? Watch this! 1132 00:50:07,589 --> 00:50:09,007 Get 'em, Dad! 1133 00:50:11,551 --> 00:50:14,095 [Ralphie] Oh, my God! I killed Julie! 1134 00:50:17,140 --> 00:50:20,393 -Dad, you ran three stop signs. -Thank you, Mark. 1135 00:50:21,186 --> 00:50:22,228 He is your dad. 1136 00:50:22,312 --> 00:50:23,813 Everyone out, please. 1137 00:50:23,897 --> 00:50:25,315 [Mrs. Parker] Ralphie. [Ralphie] Come here. I got her. 1138 00:50:25,398 --> 00:50:26,816 [Sandy] All right. [Ralphie] She's fine. 1139 00:50:26,900 --> 00:50:27,984 -Come on, honey. -[Mrs. Parker] Are we home? 1140 00:50:28,067 --> 00:50:29,277 No, Mom. We're at the hospital. 1141 00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:30,653 Would you get in the hospital, please? 1142 00:50:30,737 --> 00:50:32,238 [Mark] Is she gonna lose her eyeball? 1143 00:50:32,322 --> 00:50:34,073 [Ralphie] She's not losing anything. Get inside. 1144 00:50:34,157 --> 00:50:36,451 [Mark] You let her have it. Pow! 1145 00:50:36,534 --> 00:50:37,952 [Ralphie] Yes, I was there. I saw. 1146 00:50:38,036 --> 00:50:39,496 [Sandy] You'll be okay, sweetheart. 1147 00:50:39,579 --> 00:50:41,081 [Ralphie] She's fine. 1148 00:50:41,164 --> 00:50:42,665 [snores] 1149 00:50:42,749 --> 00:50:44,459 [soft Christmas music playing on radio] 1150 00:50:46,211 --> 00:50:49,589 [grunts] 1151 00:50:58,264 --> 00:51:02,477 -Mark, it's not polite to stare. -Uh-huh. 1152 00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:05,772 [snores, grunts] 1153 00:51:07,023 --> 00:51:08,733 Oh. [chuckles] 1154 00:51:08,817 --> 00:51:10,860 Would you look at that? 1155 00:51:12,862 --> 00:51:14,614 I'm a Cyclops. 1156 00:51:14,697 --> 00:51:18,326 [Sandy] Oh... Hey. Oh, oh. [Mrs. Parker] Oh, honey. 1157 00:51:18,409 --> 00:51:20,370 Come on, let's get you home. 1158 00:51:20,453 --> 00:51:22,372 I'll put some Bactine on it. 1159 00:51:22,455 --> 00:51:23,915 I'm so sorry, sweetheart. 1160 00:51:23,998 --> 00:51:25,834 No, it's okay, honey. 1161 00:51:25,917 --> 00:51:27,544 Because the doctor said it's just gonna be a couple of days, tops. 1162 00:51:27,627 --> 00:51:28,962 Yeah. Better to be safe. 1163 00:51:29,045 --> 00:51:30,630 We don't want anything to get in that eye. 1164 00:51:30,713 --> 00:51:33,508 -Like a snowball? -[Ralphie grunts] 1165 00:51:33,591 --> 00:51:35,593 Okay. Let's get you home. Okay? 1166 00:51:35,677 --> 00:51:38,429 -We'll get you safe. -Um, Ralph... 1167 00:51:43,476 --> 00:51:45,103 [Mrs. Parker] Were we robbed? 1168 00:51:45,186 --> 00:51:47,397 [Ralphie] My mind grappled with the grim reality 1169 00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:51,234 that every dollar we had set aside for Christmas was spent! 1170 00:51:51,317 --> 00:51:54,195 And now, just three days before Christmas, 1171 00:51:54,279 --> 00:51:55,530 what do we have to show for it? 1172 00:51:55,613 --> 00:51:58,992 Nothing! Not one stinkin' thing! 1173 00:51:59,075 --> 00:52:00,368 The only upshot... 1174 00:52:01,286 --> 00:52:02,370 -That hurt? -No. 1175 00:52:02,453 --> 00:52:04,539 [Ralphie] Our kids had no idea. 1176 00:52:07,125 --> 00:52:08,751 Son of a bitch. 1177 00:52:08,835 --> 00:52:11,254 You got that right. 1178 00:52:11,337 --> 00:52:13,923 -[typewriter clacking] -[dog barking] 1179 00:52:14,007 --> 00:52:16,342 [Ralphie] Faced with an impossible situation, 1180 00:52:16,426 --> 00:52:21,431 I did what any good parent would do in a time like this. 1181 00:52:21,514 --> 00:52:25,059 Completely ignore the problem and hope it goes away on its own. 1182 00:52:27,312 --> 00:52:28,605 Hey, Reuben. It's Ralph Parker. 1183 00:52:28,688 --> 00:52:30,189 I just wanted to call and let you know 1184 00:52:30,273 --> 00:52:32,525 that I'm close to completing my follow-up manuscript. 1185 00:52:32,609 --> 00:52:34,319 I can probably have it wrapped up in a few days. 1186 00:52:34,402 --> 00:52:36,362 So if you think it'll make a difference-- 1187 00:52:36,446 --> 00:52:37,697 [Reuben] Seeing as though we haven't heard back on the one. 1188 00:52:37,780 --> 00:52:39,532 -Nothing yet, huh? -Yeah. 1189 00:52:39,616 --> 00:52:41,701 Okay. Uh... 1190 00:52:41,784 --> 00:52:44,996 Do you know if they received the fruit basket I sent? 1191 00:52:50,126 --> 00:52:53,129 I know. I know. I'm getting to that. 1192 00:52:53,212 --> 00:52:55,381 Ralph, I know you'll write a great obituary. 1193 00:52:55,465 --> 00:52:58,843 But right now, we need to focus on Christmas. 1194 00:52:58,927 --> 00:53:01,137 Yeah, I know. I'd love nothing more. 1195 00:53:01,220 --> 00:53:05,558 But I'm just a little hung up on the monsters that stole presents from our children. 1196 00:53:05,642 --> 00:53:08,019 I had everything. I had everything. Every gift. 1197 00:53:08,102 --> 00:53:09,979 You were a sight to behold at Higbee's. 1198 00:53:10,063 --> 00:53:11,856 I was. I really was. 1199 00:53:11,940 --> 00:53:13,942 But then, you know, we get into a snowball fight, we're having fun, 1200 00:53:14,025 --> 00:53:16,027 and then Mark says, "Hey, I bet you can't hit me from here!" 1201 00:53:16,110 --> 00:53:18,029 -And then she just came out of nowhere. -Ralph... 1202 00:53:18,112 --> 00:53:20,156 -I mean, I didn't see her. She just sort of teleported. -Ralph. 1203 00:53:20,239 --> 00:53:23,493 Honey, everyone knows that you did not try to bean our daughter. 1204 00:53:23,576 --> 00:53:25,328 [sighing] Man. 1205 00:53:25,411 --> 00:53:26,537 This is, you know... 1206 00:53:26,621 --> 00:53:29,666 My dad made this all look so easy. 1207 00:53:29,749 --> 00:53:31,626 Yeah, that's what good parents do. 1208 00:53:31,709 --> 00:53:34,462 But that doesn't mean it was easy. 1209 00:53:34,545 --> 00:53:36,339 So, look, I put together all our cash 1210 00:53:36,422 --> 00:53:38,174 and what we have left of the Christmas fund 1211 00:53:38,257 --> 00:53:42,011 and we can still get the kids some presents. 1212 00:53:42,804 --> 00:53:44,973 How much do we have? 1213 00:53:45,056 --> 00:53:47,100 Including the change from the ashtray... 1214 00:53:48,601 --> 00:53:50,395 $21.17. 1215 00:53:50,478 --> 00:53:52,814 [Ralphie] Oh! It was worse than I thought. 1216 00:53:52,897 --> 00:53:54,941 Things had sunk to a new low, 1217 00:53:55,024 --> 00:53:59,445 forcing us to attempt the most delicate of parental maneuvers... 1218 00:53:59,529 --> 00:54:02,281 the lowering of expectations. 1219 00:54:02,365 --> 00:54:04,993 -[Julie] It's crazy. -Hey, kids. 1220 00:54:05,076 --> 00:54:08,871 So, this Christmas, we thought it might be really fun 1221 00:54:08,955 --> 00:54:11,374 to focus a little more on gratitude. 1222 00:54:11,457 --> 00:54:12,417 Yeah. 1223 00:54:12,500 --> 00:54:13,876 Wait, what's going on? 1224 00:54:13,960 --> 00:54:16,004 [Ralphie] That was fast. 1225 00:54:16,087 --> 00:54:18,089 Well, that's what we wanted to talk about. 1226 00:54:18,172 --> 00:54:22,593 Um, because Christmas isn't really about how many great gifts you get. 1227 00:54:22,677 --> 00:54:24,220 -Oh, no. -Isn't it? 1228 00:54:24,303 --> 00:54:26,973 -[Ralphie] They're onto us. -No. It isn't, Mark. 1229 00:54:27,056 --> 00:54:31,060 Because this is part of Christmas, right? And maybe the best part. 1230 00:54:31,144 --> 00:54:32,729 Mm-hm. 1231 00:54:32,812 --> 00:54:35,857 Yeah, all of us together, enjoying delicious home-cooked... 1232 00:54:35,940 --> 00:54:37,066 food. 1233 00:54:37,150 --> 00:54:38,234 [flies buzzing] 1234 00:54:38,317 --> 00:54:40,069 [Ralphie] Nice try, Sandy. 1235 00:54:40,153 --> 00:54:42,196 Are you saying we're not getting presents, just more casserole? 1236 00:54:42,280 --> 00:54:43,573 [Ralphie] No, no, no. [Sandy] No. 1237 00:54:43,656 --> 00:54:46,284 What your mom is trying to help me say 1238 00:54:46,367 --> 00:54:48,828 -is that there will be presents. -Mm-hm. 1239 00:54:48,911 --> 00:54:53,499 -Yeah. -Just more likely not the ones you wanted. 1240 00:54:53,583 --> 00:54:55,251 Does this mean Santa's not coming? 1241 00:54:55,334 --> 00:54:57,670 [Ralphie] Bail out, bail out! Eject, eject! 1242 00:54:57,754 --> 00:54:59,422 No, no. Of course he's coming. 1243 00:54:59,505 --> 00:55:01,090 [Ralphie] Because Santa always comes. [Sandy] Yeah. Yeah. 1244 00:55:01,174 --> 00:55:03,009 No, we just want you to keep one thing in mind. 1245 00:55:03,092 --> 00:55:06,471 [Ralphie] Oh, please, please. Don't say it. 1246 00:55:06,554 --> 00:55:08,181 It's the thought that counts. 1247 00:55:08,264 --> 00:55:10,224 [Ralphie] Oh, no! She said it! 1248 00:55:10,308 --> 00:55:13,436 Kids can smell that stinker from a mile away. 1249 00:55:13,519 --> 00:55:15,396 So, Christmas is gonna suck? 1250 00:55:15,480 --> 00:55:18,691 I knew it! This means I'm not getting a sled, doesn't it? 1251 00:55:18,775 --> 00:55:22,320 Okay, less attitude and more gratitude, mister. 1252 00:55:22,403 --> 00:55:23,613 [door closes] 1253 00:55:23,696 --> 00:55:27,283 [sighs] Well, they certainly got the message. 1254 00:55:27,366 --> 00:55:29,952 Can you just go after Mark? 1255 00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:35,083 Sorry. 1256 00:55:41,923 --> 00:55:43,549 Wanna play Spades? 1257 00:55:44,967 --> 00:55:46,385 One-Eyed Jacks? 1258 00:55:47,762 --> 00:55:49,388 No, thanks, Grandma. 1259 00:55:49,472 --> 00:55:51,974 I have something important I need to figure out. 1260 00:56:12,829 --> 00:56:14,580 Mark, let's go for a walk. 1261 00:56:16,874 --> 00:56:17,959 Come on. 1262 00:56:20,336 --> 00:56:21,671 Suds for Dad, 1263 00:56:21,754 --> 00:56:23,256 Shirley Temple for the kid. 1264 00:56:25,508 --> 00:56:26,968 To Christmas. 1265 00:56:27,051 --> 00:56:28,386 -Cheers. -Cheers. 1266 00:56:28,469 --> 00:56:30,847 [Ralphie] Ah, the genius of the Shirley Temple. 1267 00:56:30,930 --> 00:56:36,310 A few simple ingredients that can make a kid feel like he's one of the grown-ups. 1268 00:56:36,394 --> 00:56:38,229 [Flick] Oh, no, no. Ralphie. 1269 00:56:38,312 --> 00:56:40,523 After the week you've had, don't worry about it. It's on the house. 1270 00:56:40,606 --> 00:56:42,650 Whoa! Did I hear "on the house"? 1271 00:56:42,733 --> 00:56:45,653 -No, you didn't. -[sighs] 1272 00:56:45,736 --> 00:56:48,573 Hey, how's your Christmas going, kid? 1273 00:56:48,656 --> 00:56:50,324 It's okay, I guess. 1274 00:56:50,408 --> 00:56:54,328 -I'm trying to focus on gratitude. -[confused grunts] 1275 00:56:54,412 --> 00:56:56,622 That's real low, Ralph. 1276 00:56:59,083 --> 00:57:00,960 Hey, Mark, you ever bartend before? 1277 00:57:01,043 --> 00:57:03,671 -I'm ten. -Old enough. Come on back here. 1278 00:57:03,754 --> 00:57:05,256 Have some fun. Come on. 1279 00:57:07,633 --> 00:57:09,677 [dogs bark distantly] 1280 00:57:14,515 --> 00:57:15,600 Any in here? 1281 00:57:15,683 --> 00:57:17,393 Nope. Nothing. 1282 00:57:20,813 --> 00:57:22,940 [dog whimpers] 1283 00:57:27,028 --> 00:57:29,197 [gasps] Look at you. 1284 00:57:31,157 --> 00:57:32,575 Hey. Come with me. 1285 00:57:38,456 --> 00:57:39,874 [laughs] 1286 00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:49,091 What do you want? 1287 00:57:49,175 --> 00:57:51,510 I'm fixin' to feed the lobster. 1288 00:57:51,594 --> 00:57:52,803 I found your puppy. 1289 00:57:52,887 --> 00:57:55,473 She must have gotten out somehow. 1290 00:57:55,556 --> 00:57:56,974 What's your angle? 1291 00:57:57,058 --> 00:58:00,811 If you want your adorable little puppy back, 1292 00:58:01,520 --> 00:58:02,813 I want a reward. 1293 00:58:03,606 --> 00:58:05,608 What kinda reward? 1294 00:58:08,444 --> 00:58:09,487 There you go. 1295 00:58:09,570 --> 00:58:11,072 No way. 1296 00:58:11,155 --> 00:58:12,281 Yup. 1297 00:58:12,365 --> 00:58:13,449 You got it. Just go right down there. 1298 00:58:13,532 --> 00:58:15,701 Hey, thanks, kid. You're all right. 1299 00:58:15,785 --> 00:58:17,662 -[phone ringing] -[all gasp] 1300 00:58:17,745 --> 00:58:19,914 Mark, answer it. Go on. 1301 00:58:22,083 --> 00:58:25,127 Hello? Mm-hm. 1302 00:58:25,211 --> 00:58:27,630 Hold on. Let me check. Is Junior here? 1303 00:58:28,422 --> 00:58:30,216 Junior Kissel? 1304 00:58:30,299 --> 00:58:31,717 -Junior Kissel? -[mouthing] No. 1305 00:58:33,219 --> 00:58:36,180 Junior Kissel? 1306 00:58:36,264 --> 00:58:37,765 -[mouthing] No? -[mouthing] No. 1307 00:58:39,100 --> 00:58:40,268 No, I'm sorry, ma'am. 1308 00:58:40,351 --> 00:58:41,936 There's no one here named Junior. 1309 00:58:43,020 --> 00:58:44,272 Mm-hm. 1310 00:58:44,355 --> 00:58:46,065 Merry Christmas to you, too. 1311 00:58:46,148 --> 00:58:47,233 [chuckles] Bye. 1312 00:58:47,316 --> 00:58:48,484 [whistles] 1313 00:58:48,567 --> 00:58:51,237 -Good job. You're great. -[all cheering] 1314 00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:53,739 -He's great. -Your kid's a natural. 1315 00:58:53,823 --> 00:58:55,116 Well done, kid. 1316 00:58:55,199 --> 00:58:56,784 -There you go. -Wow. 1317 00:58:56,867 --> 00:58:59,829 Flick. Beer and a bag of pork rinds. Put it on my tab. 1318 00:58:59,912 --> 00:59:01,289 No, out of pork rinds. 1319 00:59:01,372 --> 00:59:03,457 Jeez. What kind of bar runs out of pork rinds? 1320 00:59:03,541 --> 00:59:06,210 Hey, you know, last week they were out of corn nuts. 1321 00:59:06,294 --> 00:59:08,838 [all laughing] 1322 00:59:08,921 --> 00:59:12,174 It's the kind of bar that floats a guy who runs up a big tab 1323 00:59:12,258 --> 00:59:14,343 while disrespecting the place. 1324 00:59:14,427 --> 00:59:16,470 Whoa. I don't like your tone. 1325 00:59:16,554 --> 00:59:18,514 [Ralphie] Though he'd be the last to admit it, 1326 00:59:18,597 --> 00:59:20,808 deep down somewhere in his inner core, 1327 00:59:20,891 --> 00:59:25,062 Flick had it out for Schwartz since that day on the playground long ago. 1328 00:59:25,146 --> 00:59:27,857 And what kind of tone would you prefer, Your Highness? 1329 00:59:27,940 --> 00:59:30,067 You know, you may be a little more comfortable 1330 00:59:30,151 --> 00:59:32,320 down the street at The Knight Cap. 1331 00:59:32,403 --> 00:59:34,405 -[all murmuring] -The Knight Cap? 1332 00:59:34,488 --> 00:59:38,534 [Ralphie] The Knight Cap? Ugh. Dante's lowest circle of bars. 1333 00:59:38,617 --> 00:59:40,328 The Knight Cap? 1334 00:59:41,662 --> 00:59:43,914 -Oh, you think? -Yeah, maybe I do. 1335 00:59:43,998 --> 00:59:45,333 -Oh, yeah? -Yeah. 1336 00:59:45,416 --> 00:59:47,126 -Yeah? You're taking it back. -Why would I? 1337 00:59:47,209 --> 00:59:48,377 I swear on my mother, Flick. 1338 00:59:48,461 --> 00:59:50,546 -You're taking it back! -Oh, yeah? 1339 00:59:50,629 --> 00:59:51,839 Well, how about this? 1340 00:59:51,922 --> 00:59:54,759 I'll take it back if you ride The Ramp. 1341 00:59:54,842 --> 00:59:55,760 [all exclaim] 1342 00:59:55,843 --> 00:59:57,470 [Ralphie] The Ramp? 1343 00:59:57,553 --> 00:59:59,764 No one with half a brain would agree to ride The Ramp. 1344 00:59:59,847 --> 01:00:02,850 What, are you out of your skull? I mean, I'm a grown man. 1345 01:00:02,933 --> 01:00:04,560 I ain't ridin' no ramp. 1346 01:00:04,643 --> 01:00:07,063 [Ralphie] But Flick was already two moves ahead. 1347 01:00:07,146 --> 01:00:08,731 And... 1348 01:00:08,814 --> 01:00:12,234 -I'll clear your tab. -[all] Ooh. 1349 01:00:12,318 --> 01:00:15,946 [Ralphie] Poor Schwartz was outmaneuvered. 1350 01:00:16,030 --> 01:00:19,909 Rather than lose face with his fellow lowlifes, 1351 01:00:19,992 --> 01:00:22,661 Schwartz sealed his fate. 1352 01:00:24,121 --> 01:00:25,664 -You're on. -Okay. 1353 01:00:25,748 --> 01:00:27,583 -[all exclaiming] -[Flick] All right. Everybody out. 1354 01:00:27,666 --> 01:00:29,001 -[bell dinging] -Dad, let's go! 1355 01:00:38,386 --> 01:00:40,221 [Ralphie] The Ramp. 1356 01:00:40,304 --> 01:00:43,474 An abandoned experiment from the Army Corps of Engineers. 1357 01:00:43,557 --> 01:00:47,478 In winter, it transformed into a frosted sluice of terror. 1358 01:00:47,561 --> 01:00:51,941 On The Ramp, you may as well be riding in your coffin. 1359 01:00:52,024 --> 01:00:53,984 -Holy... -Yeah? What was that? 1360 01:00:54,068 --> 01:00:55,861 Huh? No. Nothing. 1361 01:00:55,945 --> 01:00:57,279 [boy] Here. It's your funeral. 1362 01:01:04,161 --> 01:01:05,454 He's gonna ride that? 1363 01:01:05,538 --> 01:01:06,789 Uh-huh. 1364 01:01:06,872 --> 01:01:08,833 [heavy breaths] 1365 01:01:08,916 --> 01:01:12,002 What the hell are you looking at? Stupid kids. 1366 01:01:12,086 --> 01:01:13,504 He's out of his mind. 1367 01:01:15,005 --> 01:01:16,298 [Flick] Keep going. 1368 01:01:16,382 --> 01:01:19,927 Keep going up that hill, Schwartzy. Let's go! 1369 01:01:20,010 --> 01:01:21,804 It's getting cold! 1370 01:01:21,887 --> 01:01:23,305 What are you doing, man? 1371 01:01:23,389 --> 01:01:25,641 Oh, he's gonna chicken out. Don't worry. 1372 01:01:27,893 --> 01:01:31,355 [panting] This is crazy. This is crazy. 1373 01:01:32,022 --> 01:01:32,982 [exhales] 1374 01:01:33,065 --> 01:01:34,567 But it's gonna clear my tab. 1375 01:01:36,402 --> 01:01:37,945 [exhales sharply] 1376 01:01:38,028 --> 01:01:39,697 [panting] 1377 01:01:42,741 --> 01:01:43,909 [grunts] 1378 01:01:45,077 --> 01:01:46,662 [Flick] Hey, you gonna go down, 1379 01:01:46,745 --> 01:01:48,664 or we gonna stand here and freeze our nuts off? 1380 01:01:48,747 --> 01:01:52,001 [Ralphie] If revenge is a dish best served cold, 1381 01:01:52,084 --> 01:01:55,838 -this was a frozen dinner. -[exhales] 1382 01:01:58,007 --> 01:02:01,218 There's no way I'm gonna kill myself for this. It's crazy! 1383 01:02:01,302 --> 01:02:02,595 Hey, Schwartz! 1384 01:02:02,678 --> 01:02:05,598 I Triple Dog Dare you! 1385 01:02:05,681 --> 01:02:07,600 [Ralphie] Oh, if Schwartz backed down now, 1386 01:02:07,683 --> 01:02:10,186 he could never show his face in Flick's Tavern, 1387 01:02:10,269 --> 01:02:14,064 or perhaps even in Hohman ever again. 1388 01:02:14,148 --> 01:02:15,191 [grunts] 1389 01:02:15,274 --> 01:02:16,901 Oh, I got him now. I got him. 1390 01:02:23,115 --> 01:02:25,451 Okay. We should probably move out of the way. 1391 01:02:26,118 --> 01:02:27,036 [grunts] 1392 01:02:27,119 --> 01:02:28,496 Hey, hey, hey, Ralphie. 1393 01:02:29,371 --> 01:02:30,998 He's gonna be okay, right? 1394 01:02:34,001 --> 01:02:37,213 We should just probably move out of the way. 1395 01:02:37,296 --> 01:02:39,298 [man] He's going to do it! [woman] All right, let's go! 1396 01:02:45,554 --> 01:02:48,224 [shouting] Geronimo! 1397 01:02:58,943 --> 01:03:00,819 -[grunts] -[all gasp] 1398 01:03:00,903 --> 01:03:01,904 Schwartz! 1399 01:03:01,987 --> 01:03:03,239 -Schwartz. -Schwartz. 1400 01:03:03,322 --> 01:03:04,573 -Schwartz, wake up. -Schwartz, wake up. 1401 01:03:04,657 --> 01:03:05,908 Schwartz. Schwartz. 1402 01:03:05,991 --> 01:03:07,910 -Is he alive? -I think. I don't know. 1403 01:03:07,993 --> 01:03:09,370 -Schwartz, wake up, man. -Schwartz. 1404 01:03:09,453 --> 01:03:12,081 -[burps] -[all groan] 1405 01:03:12,164 --> 01:03:13,457 The stink! 1406 01:03:15,251 --> 01:03:17,795 Uh... I thought we lost you there, brother. 1407 01:03:17,878 --> 01:03:19,255 Did I do it? 1408 01:03:19,338 --> 01:03:20,965 -Did I clear my tab? -[man] Yeah, come on, Flick! 1409 01:03:21,048 --> 01:03:23,217 Yeah, your tab is forgiven. 1410 01:03:23,300 --> 01:03:25,719 [all cheering] 1411 01:03:25,803 --> 01:03:27,805 -Let's get you home. -Okay. 1412 01:03:27,888 --> 01:03:30,683 Wait, but first, let's go get a drink. 1413 01:03:30,766 --> 01:03:32,768 Put it on my tab. [laughs] 1414 01:03:32,851 --> 01:03:36,397 [Ralphie] Fueled by bravado, one-upmanship, and libations, 1415 01:03:36,480 --> 01:03:39,233 the barflies took matters into their own hands. 1416 01:03:39,316 --> 01:03:41,527 -No! My sled! -Come on! 1417 01:03:41,610 --> 01:03:46,699 [Ralphie] Any sensible person knew full well, no one over 40 should go sledding. 1418 01:03:46,782 --> 01:03:49,910 But these were not sensible people. 1419 01:03:49,994 --> 01:03:51,245 [grunts] 1420 01:03:51,328 --> 01:03:53,747 You could not look away. 1421 01:03:53,831 --> 01:03:56,709 [screams, groans] 1422 01:03:56,792 --> 01:03:57,793 Make way! 1423 01:03:57,876 --> 01:03:59,128 Make way! 1424 01:03:59,211 --> 01:04:00,170 [grunts] 1425 01:04:00,879 --> 01:04:01,797 Whoa! 1426 01:04:01,880 --> 01:04:03,215 Ooh. Ooh. 1427 01:04:03,299 --> 01:04:04,758 [grunts] 1428 01:04:04,842 --> 01:04:06,552 [screams] Whoa! 1429 01:04:06,635 --> 01:04:08,262 [dodging grunts] 1430 01:04:08,345 --> 01:04:09,430 [screams] 1431 01:04:10,556 --> 01:04:12,308 [screams] 1432 01:04:12,391 --> 01:04:15,269 [Ralphie] I hadn't seen that many cold-weather casualties 1433 01:04:15,352 --> 01:04:16,520 since the Korean War. 1434 01:04:16,604 --> 01:04:18,063 [Mark] Dad! Watch this! 1435 01:04:18,147 --> 01:04:19,440 Mark! No! No! 1436 01:04:21,233 --> 01:04:23,193 -[laughs] -[kid] Watch out! 1437 01:04:24,278 --> 01:04:25,446 Steer! 1438 01:04:25,529 --> 01:04:27,156 -Steer! -[screams] 1439 01:04:27,239 --> 01:04:28,616 [man] Slow down, kid. 1440 01:04:28,699 --> 01:04:29,825 [both scream] 1441 01:04:30,576 --> 01:04:31,410 [grunts] 1442 01:04:32,911 --> 01:04:35,831 [Ralphie] Oh, my God! I killed Mark! 1443 01:04:35,914 --> 01:04:37,416 [dogs bark distantly] 1444 01:04:43,422 --> 01:04:44,506 Hi. 1445 01:04:44,590 --> 01:04:46,425 It's so late. 1446 01:04:46,508 --> 01:04:48,510 Everything go okay with Mark? 1447 01:04:48,594 --> 01:04:51,055 -More or less. -That's good. 1448 01:04:51,138 --> 01:04:52,973 I took care of the presents. 1449 01:04:53,057 --> 01:04:54,224 Oh. Thank you. 1450 01:04:54,308 --> 01:04:55,643 You're welcome. 1451 01:04:58,145 --> 01:04:59,438 Good night. 1452 01:04:59,521 --> 01:05:00,564 Good night. 1453 01:05:05,694 --> 01:05:06,904 By the way... 1454 01:05:06,987 --> 01:05:09,031 -Mark broke his arm. -Hm? 1455 01:05:14,119 --> 01:05:17,998 [Ralphie] My mother was one of the most creative and ruthless Scrabble players, 1456 01:05:18,082 --> 01:05:19,917 in the entire Midwest. 1457 01:05:20,000 --> 01:05:23,879 Everyone knew better than to lock horns with her. 1458 01:05:23,962 --> 01:05:25,547 Sandy, on the other hand... 1459 01:05:25,631 --> 01:05:30,302 Oh, um, I don't think "bajillion" is actually a word. 1460 01:05:30,386 --> 01:05:32,388 Yes, it is. You just used it in a sentence. 1461 01:05:32,471 --> 01:05:35,265 So, that's a double-word score, a double-word score, 1462 01:05:35,349 --> 01:05:37,101 and a seven-tile bonus 1463 01:05:37,184 --> 01:05:40,729 which is 50 points. So, just give me a second. 1464 01:05:43,357 --> 01:05:45,150 122 points. 1465 01:05:45,984 --> 01:05:47,111 Wow. 1466 01:05:47,194 --> 01:05:49,571 [vehicle approaching, horn tooting] 1467 01:05:51,115 --> 01:05:52,533 [bully laughing] 1468 01:05:52,616 --> 01:05:54,952 Kids, you know, when your father was your age, 1469 01:05:55,035 --> 01:05:57,621 he had a similar sort of problem, 1470 01:05:57,705 --> 01:05:59,665 but he worked it out. 1471 01:05:59,748 --> 01:06:02,000 [Ralphie] Uh, the Scut Farkus Affair. 1472 01:06:02,084 --> 01:06:03,585 Really? What happened? 1473 01:06:03,669 --> 01:06:07,965 Well, he beat the snot out of that kid. [laughs] 1474 01:06:08,048 --> 01:06:09,133 That's what happened. 1475 01:06:09,216 --> 01:06:11,593 -Wow! -Daddy beat someone up? 1476 01:06:11,677 --> 01:06:14,096 Wait, that story is true? 1477 01:06:14,179 --> 01:06:16,014 Is it so hard to believe? 1478 01:06:16,098 --> 01:06:18,142 Huh. Ralph. 1479 01:06:18,225 --> 01:06:21,478 -Did he ever bother you again? -Nope. 1480 01:06:23,021 --> 01:06:25,399 Hey, you guys gotta get this figured out. 1481 01:06:25,482 --> 01:06:27,192 You can't just be a target for 'em. 1482 01:06:30,320 --> 01:06:31,572 Armoire. 1483 01:06:31,655 --> 01:06:33,949 -That's not a word. -Yes, it is. 1484 01:06:34,032 --> 01:06:35,868 It's just a fancy word for "cabinet." 1485 01:06:35,951 --> 01:06:38,996 -You have one upstairs. -I certainly do not. 1486 01:06:39,079 --> 01:06:43,041 In Indiana, we say "wardrobe." 1487 01:06:43,125 --> 01:06:46,086 -Come on, grab your coat. -What for? 1488 01:06:46,170 --> 01:06:47,421 I have an idea. 1489 01:06:49,047 --> 01:06:50,424 "Arm." For five. 1490 01:06:50,507 --> 01:06:51,884 Oh, boy! 1491 01:06:51,967 --> 01:06:55,429 Five whole points for Sandy. 1492 01:06:55,512 --> 01:06:57,097 Good for you. 1493 01:07:00,017 --> 01:07:01,935 It's hideous. 1494 01:07:02,019 --> 01:07:03,395 The worst. 1495 01:07:08,400 --> 01:07:12,029 [Ralphie] The window was closing, and I needed some good news. 1496 01:07:12,112 --> 01:07:15,449 All my hopes were pinned on one last publisher. 1497 01:07:15,532 --> 01:07:18,076 -Hello, it's Reuben. -Hey, Reuben. It's Ralph again. 1498 01:07:18,160 --> 01:07:19,328 -Ralph. -Uh... 1499 01:07:19,411 --> 01:07:22,164 Wow. Still in the office on Christmas Eve? 1500 01:07:22,247 --> 01:07:23,916 -That's dedication. -Yeah. 1501 01:07:23,999 --> 01:07:30,005 Um, I was just calling to check in, um, 1502 01:07:30,088 --> 01:07:32,549 one last time, before Christmas. 1503 01:07:32,633 --> 01:07:36,804 No. Ralph. Um, not interested in it. 1504 01:07:36,887 --> 01:07:37,888 I see. 1505 01:07:45,437 --> 01:07:48,190 [Ralphie] That was it. I had my chance. 1506 01:07:48,273 --> 01:07:52,444 And now... I had my answer. 1507 01:07:52,528 --> 01:07:54,363 [dogs barking distantly] 1508 01:07:54,446 --> 01:07:56,073 Ralphie, are you all right? 1509 01:07:57,074 --> 01:07:58,075 Yes. 1510 01:07:59,451 --> 01:08:01,161 No. No. 1511 01:08:01,245 --> 01:08:06,291 That obituary is the hardest damn thing I have ever had to write. 1512 01:08:06,375 --> 01:08:08,001 And I just found out why. 1513 01:08:08,085 --> 01:08:09,545 I'm no writer. 1514 01:08:09,628 --> 01:08:11,547 Just ask any publisher in Chicago. 1515 01:08:12,297 --> 01:08:13,757 Nobody cares, Mom. 1516 01:08:13,841 --> 01:08:16,385 Nobody wants my book. It's over. 1517 01:08:16,468 --> 01:08:19,972 -Oh, Ralphie. -And an obituary? 1518 01:08:20,055 --> 01:08:23,809 How do you sum up a man's life into a paragraph? 1519 01:08:25,936 --> 01:08:26,937 I can't do it. 1520 01:08:27,521 --> 01:08:28,772 Ralphie. 1521 01:08:29,565 --> 01:08:31,149 Ralphie, look at me. 1522 01:08:31,233 --> 01:08:36,196 Just forget about the publishers and the paragraphs. 1523 01:08:36,280 --> 01:08:39,449 Forget about trying to write the perfect words. 1524 01:08:40,367 --> 01:08:42,035 Life isn't perfect. 1525 01:08:42,870 --> 01:08:44,079 [shuddering breaths] 1526 01:08:44,162 --> 01:08:46,957 Your father certainly wasn't perfect. 1527 01:08:48,083 --> 01:08:51,253 Just write about the man you love. 1528 01:08:53,839 --> 01:08:55,924 Or don't. 1529 01:08:56,008 --> 01:08:57,301 It's up to you. 1530 01:09:11,023 --> 01:09:13,233 [the old man] He looks like a pink nightmare. 1531 01:09:18,697 --> 01:09:21,658 This is a lamp! 1532 01:09:30,083 --> 01:09:33,253 I had one when I was eight years old. 1533 01:09:51,980 --> 01:09:54,775 [Ralphie] Incredibly, the dam had broken. 1534 01:09:54,858 --> 01:10:00,197 Once I got out of the way, the words and emotions poured onto the page. 1535 01:10:00,280 --> 01:10:03,951 My fingers raced to keep up with the flood of memories 1536 01:10:04,034 --> 01:10:05,869 of my old man. 1537 01:10:34,231 --> 01:10:35,607 [exhales sharply] 1538 01:10:57,838 --> 01:10:59,840 [children giggle] 1539 01:11:12,644 --> 01:11:13,478 Hey. 1540 01:11:15,731 --> 01:11:16,773 Are you okay? 1541 01:11:17,649 --> 01:11:19,067 You know, actually... 1542 01:11:19,651 --> 01:11:20,986 I am... 1543 01:11:21,069 --> 01:11:23,030 [Christmas song playing on low volume on radio] 1544 01:11:29,202 --> 01:11:30,912 [children giggle] 1545 01:11:30,996 --> 01:11:33,707 [Ralphie] What's going on with you two? [both] Nothin'! 1546 01:11:34,499 --> 01:11:36,084 [Ralphie] Nothin'? 1547 01:11:36,168 --> 01:11:38,587 Behind every nothin', there's always a somethin'. 1548 01:11:38,670 --> 01:11:40,922 -[Julie] Here they come. -[bully] Look! Another snowman. 1549 01:11:41,006 --> 01:11:42,299 [engine revving, horn tooting] 1550 01:11:42,382 --> 01:11:43,800 -[bully] Say goodbye! -[crash] 1551 01:11:43,884 --> 01:11:45,343 [bullies scream] 1552 01:11:45,427 --> 01:11:47,929 [Julie gasps, laughs] 1553 01:11:50,640 --> 01:11:52,392 Oh, my... 1554 01:11:52,476 --> 01:11:53,935 [horn toots, vehicle hisses] 1555 01:11:55,353 --> 01:11:56,563 [pained grunt] 1556 01:11:56,646 --> 01:11:59,024 Gee, what happened, fellas? 1557 01:11:59,107 --> 01:12:02,569 Yeah, fellas. Run into something? 1558 01:12:02,652 --> 01:12:04,821 Like a tree stump? 1559 01:12:04,905 --> 01:12:06,615 [grunting] 1560 01:12:07,783 --> 01:12:09,951 That is mine. 1561 01:12:10,035 --> 01:12:11,620 Thank you very much. 1562 01:12:12,412 --> 01:12:13,622 Pop's gonna kill us. 1563 01:12:13,705 --> 01:12:17,125 -Look! He done pissed himself! -Did not! 1564 01:12:17,209 --> 01:12:19,961 [laughing] 1565 01:12:20,045 --> 01:12:23,465 [Ralphie] Laughter, the sharpest weapon in the arsenal of man, 1566 01:12:23,548 --> 01:12:27,094 able to cut giants down to the size of mice. 1567 01:12:27,177 --> 01:12:28,011 Come on. 1568 01:12:29,805 --> 01:12:31,890 -Did you actually pee yourself? -Shut up. 1569 01:12:33,058 --> 01:12:34,101 Mark. 1570 01:12:35,227 --> 01:12:36,228 Nice job. 1571 01:12:38,230 --> 01:12:39,648 [laughs] 1572 01:12:40,732 --> 01:12:42,776 I got snowmobiles. 1573 01:12:43,985 --> 01:12:45,862 [radio tuning] 1574 01:12:45,946 --> 01:12:47,697 [announcer on radio] Wait a minute, folks. 1575 01:12:47,781 --> 01:12:50,367 North American Aerospace Defense Command radar 1576 01:12:50,450 --> 01:12:54,663 has just picked up an unknown flying object in the night sky. 1577 01:12:54,746 --> 01:12:57,999 It's headed south toward the continental United States 1578 01:12:58,083 --> 01:13:00,001 at a very high rate of speed. 1579 01:13:00,085 --> 01:13:02,170 -Repeat, NORAD radar... -Is that what I think it is? 1580 01:13:02,254 --> 01:13:06,675 ...has just intercepted a signal originating from the North Pole. 1581 01:13:06,758 --> 01:13:09,553 It's Santa Claus! It's Santa Claus! 1582 01:13:09,636 --> 01:13:12,514 [Ralphie] You know what? I think it is! 1583 01:13:12,597 --> 01:13:17,394 [Ralphie] At last, we were one silent night away from Christmas. 1584 01:13:17,477 --> 01:13:19,980 I was home free. 1585 01:13:20,063 --> 01:13:21,523 By morning, my job would be-- 1586 01:13:21,606 --> 01:13:23,859 -[shatters] -[Sandy gasps] 1587 01:13:23,942 --> 01:13:24,860 Oh. 1588 01:13:24,943 --> 01:13:27,487 The star. [cries] It shattered. 1589 01:13:27,571 --> 01:13:30,407 [Ralphie] Not just shattered, pulverized! 1590 01:13:30,490 --> 01:13:32,033 [cries] Can we fix it? 1591 01:13:32,117 --> 01:13:33,743 Oh, honey... 1592 01:13:33,827 --> 01:13:36,371 You said it won't be Christmas without a star. 1593 01:13:36,454 --> 01:13:39,040 Oh, no, honey. It's okay. We can still have a great Christmas. 1594 01:13:39,124 --> 01:13:42,002 No! You said Santa won't come without a star. 1595 01:13:43,587 --> 01:13:44,880 [Sandy] Oh, honey. 1596 01:13:44,963 --> 01:13:46,923 -Did I say that? -[all] Yes! 1597 01:13:47,007 --> 01:13:49,259 Well, I didn't know this was gonna happen. 1598 01:13:49,342 --> 01:13:51,720 I knew it. No Christmas. 1599 01:13:52,554 --> 01:13:53,889 Okay. You know what? 1600 01:13:53,972 --> 01:13:55,640 I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna get us a star. 1601 01:13:55,724 --> 01:13:57,058 An even better one! 1602 01:13:57,142 --> 01:13:58,894 Ralphie, it's Christmas Eve. 1603 01:13:58,977 --> 01:14:02,105 -Well, then I better hurry. -Well, uh... Everything's closed! 1604 01:14:02,189 --> 01:14:04,274 Well, you heard her. Where are you going? 1605 01:14:04,357 --> 01:14:05,984 I am fixing this. 1606 01:14:06,067 --> 01:14:07,986 Ralph! Just give it up. 1607 01:14:08,069 --> 01:14:11,281 No! I am not giving it up. 1608 01:14:11,364 --> 01:14:13,408 I'm gonna go get us a star! 1609 01:14:15,744 --> 01:14:18,538 Oh. And we're gonna have a great Christmas! 1610 01:14:21,124 --> 01:14:22,876 -[door closes] -[dogs bark] 1611 01:14:22,959 --> 01:14:25,420 Get out of here! Not now. Not now. 1612 01:14:25,503 --> 01:14:27,339 Not now, damn it. Get out of here. 1613 01:14:29,132 --> 01:14:30,592 Get out of here. 1614 01:14:43,021 --> 01:14:48,735 [Ralphie] As the town went dark, so did my hopes of completing my mission. 1615 01:14:51,696 --> 01:14:52,906 [brakes screech] 1616 01:14:58,203 --> 01:15:03,792 The term "breaking and entering" has always had such an unduly, sinister tone. 1617 01:15:03,875 --> 01:15:05,961 "Borrowing from a friend," on the other hand, 1618 01:15:06,044 --> 01:15:08,338 that sounded downright neighborly. 1619 01:15:16,054 --> 01:15:17,180 [doorknob rattling] 1620 01:15:20,558 --> 01:15:23,353 If Flick were here, he'd let me in. 1621 01:15:24,562 --> 01:15:26,273 But since he wasn't... 1622 01:15:35,532 --> 01:15:36,825 [grunts] 1623 01:15:36,908 --> 01:15:38,410 -[dog barks distantly] -Son of a... 1624 01:15:47,627 --> 01:15:48,837 [grunts] 1625 01:15:54,175 --> 01:15:55,218 Come on. 1626 01:15:56,636 --> 01:15:58,638 Ow! [groans] 1627 01:16:03,727 --> 01:16:04,769 [exhales] 1628 01:16:10,775 --> 01:16:11,985 [sighs] 1629 01:16:17,157 --> 01:16:19,159 Victory! 1630 01:16:19,242 --> 01:16:23,872 With star in hand, I could return triumphant to my adoring family. 1631 01:16:23,955 --> 01:16:25,749 Christmas would be saved. 1632 01:16:25,832 --> 01:16:28,418 [man] You! Hold it right there. 1633 01:16:28,501 --> 01:16:31,212 Put your hands up. I said put 'em up. 1634 01:16:31,296 --> 01:16:32,881 It's okay. I know the owner, Flick. 1635 01:16:32,964 --> 01:16:34,799 I just had to borrow a Christmas star. 1636 01:16:34,883 --> 01:16:36,217 I left a note. 1637 01:16:36,301 --> 01:16:38,136 [laughs] You left a note. Well, that's a new one. 1638 01:16:39,262 --> 01:16:40,889 Wait. 1639 01:16:40,972 --> 01:16:42,557 Don't I know you? 1640 01:16:48,355 --> 01:16:51,733 Scut Farkus. 1641 01:16:51,816 --> 01:16:55,195 -There he was, with those same yellow eyes. -[evil laugh] 1642 01:16:55,278 --> 01:16:58,073 Dear God, he still had yellow eyes! 1643 01:16:58,156 --> 01:17:00,241 I hadn't said as much as two words to Scut 1644 01:17:00,325 --> 01:17:03,661 since I miraculously knocked the snot out of him decades ago. 1645 01:17:03,745 --> 01:17:05,121 Say uncle! 1646 01:17:05,205 --> 01:17:07,290 Maybe he wouldn't recognize me. 1647 01:17:08,249 --> 01:17:09,584 Ralph Parker. 1648 01:17:09,668 --> 01:17:11,294 Damn! 1649 01:17:11,378 --> 01:17:14,089 Breaking and entering. Never imagined you'd end up like this. 1650 01:17:14,172 --> 01:17:15,590 Wait. I can explain. 1651 01:17:15,673 --> 01:17:17,175 Get in the car. 1652 01:17:20,929 --> 01:17:22,263 [police radio chatter] 1653 01:17:23,723 --> 01:17:25,183 [Ralphie] Rule number one. 1654 01:17:25,266 --> 01:17:26,935 When taken by the enemy, don't show fear. 1655 01:17:27,018 --> 01:17:30,605 Befriend your captor and develop a rapport. 1656 01:17:30,688 --> 01:17:34,859 So, what's it been? 20, 30 years? 1657 01:17:34,943 --> 01:17:36,444 Thirty-three... 1658 01:17:36,528 --> 01:17:37,695 if you're counting. 1659 01:17:37,779 --> 01:17:39,239 Oh, this was it. 1660 01:17:39,322 --> 01:17:41,908 Scut would lock me up and throw away the key. 1661 01:17:41,991 --> 01:17:44,160 What would become of my family? 1662 01:17:46,079 --> 01:17:47,831 -[door unbolts] -[grunts] 1663 01:17:47,914 --> 01:17:50,542 -Who's there? -You got visitors. 1664 01:17:50,625 --> 01:17:51,960 [door buzzes] 1665 01:17:54,713 --> 01:17:56,297 [man] Dead man walking. 1666 01:18:04,472 --> 01:18:05,849 Sandy. 1667 01:18:05,932 --> 01:18:07,517 Wow, you look great. 1668 01:18:07,600 --> 01:18:09,144 I feel great, Ralph. 1669 01:18:09,227 --> 01:18:10,311 Better than ever. 1670 01:18:11,396 --> 01:18:12,480 Mark? 1671 01:18:12,564 --> 01:18:13,815 [in British accent] Hello, Dad. 1672 01:18:13,898 --> 01:18:15,400 Why are you talking like that? 1673 01:18:15,483 --> 01:18:17,986 -Oh, look. He suddenly cares. -[chuckles] 1674 01:18:18,069 --> 01:18:22,115 You never came home, Dad. So things went a wee bit rotten. 1675 01:18:23,783 --> 01:18:25,744 Julie, is that you? 1676 01:18:27,579 --> 01:18:28,997 [gasps] 1677 01:18:29,080 --> 01:18:31,916 -Brought you a present. -What happened to your eye? 1678 01:18:34,127 --> 01:18:35,295 [groans] 1679 01:18:35,378 --> 01:18:38,131 Well, you did keep one promise, Ralph. 1680 01:18:38,214 --> 01:18:41,092 It was a Christmas we'll never forget. 1681 01:18:41,885 --> 01:18:43,595 [all] Never forget. 1682 01:18:43,678 --> 01:18:45,346 -Never forget. -[grunting] 1683 01:18:45,430 --> 01:18:49,142 -Never forget. Never forget. -[gasps] 1684 01:18:49,225 --> 01:18:51,060 -Never forget. -[laughs] 1685 01:18:51,144 --> 01:18:52,979 Never forget. 1686 01:18:53,062 --> 01:18:54,355 Never forget. 1687 01:18:55,106 --> 01:18:56,691 Ah, man. 1688 01:19:02,280 --> 01:19:03,698 [Ralphie] Uh... 1689 01:19:03,781 --> 01:19:06,868 That's the police station. I think we just passed it. 1690 01:19:06,951 --> 01:19:09,662 Don't worry about it. 1691 01:19:09,746 --> 01:19:13,208 [Ralphie] Don't worry? I was very worried. 1692 01:19:13,291 --> 01:19:15,251 Oh, forget jail. 1693 01:19:15,335 --> 01:19:17,295 Scut was gonna kill me! 1694 01:19:17,378 --> 01:19:20,340 You're looking kinda jumpy, Parker. 1695 01:19:20,423 --> 01:19:22,717 Me? No. I'm fine. 1696 01:19:22,800 --> 01:19:26,304 Like busting into a bar on a Christmas Eve fine? 1697 01:19:26,387 --> 01:19:28,264 Oh, I didn't want to do that. 1698 01:19:28,348 --> 01:19:31,559 I had to. I needed that star for the tree 1699 01:19:31,643 --> 01:19:33,895 for my family for Christmas. 1700 01:19:33,978 --> 01:19:35,688 None of it makes any sense. 1701 01:19:35,772 --> 01:19:37,732 When we were kids, life was simple. 1702 01:19:37,815 --> 01:19:41,736 It was all just fun and games. Am I right? 1703 01:19:41,820 --> 01:19:43,780 Lots of laughs. [fake laugh] 1704 01:19:43,863 --> 01:19:46,032 Yeah, now I got some devil spawn of my own, 1705 01:19:46,115 --> 01:19:49,911 running around all day on that stupid snowmobile. 1706 01:19:52,121 --> 01:19:55,500 Between us... I think they're worse than I ever was. 1707 01:19:55,583 --> 01:19:57,001 No. What are you talking about? 1708 01:19:57,085 --> 01:19:58,253 I mean, you... 1709 01:19:58,336 --> 01:20:00,380 You were great. 1710 01:20:00,463 --> 01:20:02,090 [Ralphie] Oh, what was I saying? 1711 01:20:02,173 --> 01:20:05,510 My mind was mush. My dying words were lies! 1712 01:20:05,593 --> 01:20:06,844 All lies! 1713 01:20:06,928 --> 01:20:08,763 [man on radio] Farkus. Come in, Farkus. 1714 01:20:08,847 --> 01:20:10,932 -What's your 20? Can you hear me? -[turns off radio] 1715 01:20:11,015 --> 01:20:13,101 [Ralphie] Oh, no! How would he do it? 1716 01:20:13,184 --> 01:20:14,978 Death by a thousand cuts? Buried alive? 1717 01:20:15,061 --> 01:20:16,938 Medieval chin breaker? Burned at the stake? 1718 01:20:17,021 --> 01:20:19,607 Steam rolled? Pool of piranhas? 1719 01:20:19,691 --> 01:20:20,942 End of the road, Parker. 1720 01:20:21,025 --> 01:20:22,610 Oh, no! This was it! 1721 01:20:22,694 --> 01:20:24,195 Kiss my sweet ass... 1722 01:20:24,279 --> 01:20:25,863 This is home, right? 1723 01:20:27,448 --> 01:20:28,700 [dog barking] 1724 01:20:28,783 --> 01:20:31,244 Yeah, this is home. 1725 01:20:41,963 --> 01:20:43,631 Breaking into Flick's dump, huh? 1726 01:20:43,715 --> 01:20:45,758 You must've really needed that star. 1727 01:20:45,842 --> 01:20:48,303 Yeah, I did. 1728 01:20:48,386 --> 01:20:52,390 Look, I appreciate you blowing smoke up my dress like you did, 1729 01:20:52,473 --> 01:20:54,976 but we both know when we were kids... 1730 01:20:55,059 --> 01:20:56,477 I was kind of a nightmare. 1731 01:20:56,561 --> 01:20:57,812 [Ralphie] Kinda? 1732 01:20:57,896 --> 01:21:00,273 I was just trying to be a tough guy, you know? 1733 01:21:00,356 --> 01:21:02,233 Like my old man. 1734 01:21:02,317 --> 01:21:06,821 But that day you handed my ass to me... I mean, that got me thinkin'. 1735 01:21:06,905 --> 01:21:09,073 [Ralphie] Not sure where this is going. 1736 01:21:09,157 --> 01:21:12,660 You know, I put all that garbage behind me. 1737 01:21:12,744 --> 01:21:13,786 And look at me now. 1738 01:21:15,288 --> 01:21:17,665 I'm one of the good guys. 1739 01:21:17,749 --> 01:21:19,834 So I guess what I'm saying is... 1740 01:21:19,918 --> 01:21:21,002 I owe you, Parker. 1741 01:21:28,134 --> 01:21:28,968 Hey. 1742 01:21:34,057 --> 01:21:35,141 Merry Christmas, Ralph. 1743 01:21:36,559 --> 01:21:37,852 Merry Christmas, Scut. 1744 01:21:42,774 --> 01:21:46,027 You know, if anyone else but me had answered that call, 1745 01:21:46,110 --> 01:21:49,113 you'd be rotting in a jail cell all weekend. 1746 01:21:49,197 --> 01:21:50,365 How about that? 1747 01:21:50,990 --> 01:21:52,116 [laughs] 1748 01:22:06,631 --> 01:22:07,757 [siren wails] 1749 01:22:14,806 --> 01:22:15,682 [exhales] 1750 01:22:29,987 --> 01:22:32,740 [Mrs. Parker] Oh, Ralphie. You found a star. 1751 01:22:33,491 --> 01:22:34,534 Yeah. 1752 01:22:43,501 --> 01:22:45,628 I miss him, Ma. 1753 01:22:45,712 --> 01:22:47,213 [Mrs. Parker] I miss him, too. 1754 01:22:49,507 --> 01:22:51,008 But I know he's here. 1755 01:22:54,929 --> 01:22:56,848 -[Ralphie groans] -[Mrs. Parker sighs] 1756 01:22:56,931 --> 01:23:00,435 -[Ralphie] I'll get the fuse. -No. No. You go to bed. 1757 01:23:00,518 --> 01:23:04,105 I've gotta learn to do these things on my own from now on. 1758 01:23:04,188 --> 01:23:05,690 -I'll be fine. -Okay. 1759 01:23:05,773 --> 01:23:07,400 Okay, so, go. Go on. 1760 01:23:07,483 --> 01:23:09,360 -I'm going up. -Okay. All right. 1761 01:23:09,444 --> 01:23:10,486 Be careful, Ma. 1762 01:23:10,570 --> 01:23:11,696 Good night, Ralphie. 1763 01:23:11,779 --> 01:23:12,822 Good night. 1764 01:23:15,366 --> 01:23:16,617 [footsteps running] 1765 01:23:16,701 --> 01:23:18,077 [both] Wake up! 1766 01:23:18,161 --> 01:23:19,746 [screaming] 1767 01:23:19,829 --> 01:23:21,789 -Come on, it's Christmas! -There's presents under the tree! 1768 01:23:21,873 --> 01:23:24,083 We have to go see! Come on! 1769 01:23:24,167 --> 01:23:26,002 -Okay, we're up, we're up. -Okay, okay. 1770 01:23:26,085 --> 01:23:27,962 -Hurry up! -Faster! 1771 01:23:29,589 --> 01:23:31,090 [gasps] Look, Julie! 1772 01:23:31,174 --> 01:23:33,468 [screams] Daddy, Daddy, you did it! 1773 01:23:33,551 --> 01:23:36,304 -You got the star and Santa came! -[Mark] Look at it! 1774 01:23:36,387 --> 01:23:38,723 -Is that a beer logo? -[Mark] Awesome. 1775 01:23:38,806 --> 01:23:40,349 Don't ask. 1776 01:23:40,433 --> 01:23:43,102 -[laughs] Oh. Merry Christmas. -[Sandy] Oh. Merry Christmas. 1777 01:23:43,186 --> 01:23:44,979 -Merry Christmas, Ma. -[Mark] He ate the cookies! 1778 01:23:45,062 --> 01:23:47,356 -Good morning. -[Julie] And the stockings are full! 1779 01:23:47,440 --> 01:23:49,734 -[both] Wow. -Did you get extra presents? 1780 01:23:49,817 --> 01:23:51,277 No. Did you? 1781 01:23:51,360 --> 01:23:52,195 No. 1782 01:23:53,154 --> 01:23:55,281 "For Ralph. Love, Dad." 1783 01:23:56,073 --> 01:23:57,074 Oh. 1784 01:24:00,036 --> 01:24:02,330 "For Julie. Love, Grandpa." 1785 01:24:02,413 --> 01:24:03,289 [gasps] 1786 01:24:05,917 --> 01:24:07,502 Mom, these are all from Dad. 1787 01:24:08,419 --> 01:24:09,670 Yeah. 1788 01:24:09,754 --> 01:24:12,423 Last night, when I was down in the basement 1789 01:24:12,507 --> 01:24:14,675 fixing the fuse, I found them. 1790 01:24:15,927 --> 01:24:20,139 He must've got them before. 1791 01:24:22,767 --> 01:24:25,853 Yeah. [chuckles] He did good. 1792 01:24:25,937 --> 01:24:27,188 [Ralphie] Yeah. 1793 01:24:28,773 --> 01:24:31,984 -[laughs] Well, come on! Let's open gifts! -[Ralphie] Yeah! 1794 01:24:32,068 --> 01:24:35,530 [Ralphie] Each of us, in turn, opened the gifts from my old man, 1795 01:24:35,613 --> 01:24:38,032 marveling at their thoughtful perfection. 1796 01:24:38,115 --> 01:24:39,659 An Easy-Bake Oven! 1797 01:24:39,742 --> 01:24:42,119 -I can make Christmas cookies today! -[Ralphie] Yeah! 1798 01:24:42,203 --> 01:24:43,538 It even has a pom-pom. 1799 01:24:43,621 --> 01:24:45,540 -[Ralphie] Wow. -Really pretty. 1800 01:24:45,623 --> 01:24:48,042 -It is soft. -Yeah. 1801 01:24:48,125 --> 01:24:49,710 -[Sandy] Ah... -Fountain pen. 1802 01:24:49,794 --> 01:24:52,088 -Oh, lovely. -Wow. 1803 01:24:52,797 --> 01:24:53,631 Wow! 1804 01:24:54,340 --> 01:24:56,175 [chuckles] 1805 01:24:56,259 --> 01:24:59,554 A Flexible Flyer F-23 Yankee Clipper! 1806 01:24:59,637 --> 01:25:00,847 How did he know? 1807 01:25:00,930 --> 01:25:03,766 He knows. He always knows. 1808 01:25:03,850 --> 01:25:07,603 And right when it seemed the only thing missing was the old man, 1809 01:25:07,687 --> 01:25:12,275 he was here, just like always, on Christmas morning. 1810 01:25:14,193 --> 01:25:16,445 [Ralphie] Whoa! Look at that. [Sandy] Oh, you are... 1811 01:25:16,529 --> 01:25:18,239 Oh, boy. 1812 01:25:18,322 --> 01:25:20,199 [Ralphie] We tore into the remaining presents with abandon. 1813 01:25:20,283 --> 01:25:23,202 See, now your papa can't hit you in the eyes anymore. 1814 01:25:23,286 --> 01:25:24,787 It was an accident. 1815 01:25:24,871 --> 01:25:26,998 [Ralphie] Some were from Mom's stockings from Santa, 1816 01:25:27,081 --> 01:25:30,626 and the rest from Sandy's ingenious use of our remaining cash. 1817 01:25:30,710 --> 01:25:31,919 It's a party calendar. 1818 01:25:32,003 --> 01:25:33,462 [Ralphie] Disco. [Sandy] Disco. 1819 01:25:33,546 --> 01:25:35,131 [Mrs. Parker] Disco. Yeah. [Ralphie] Look at that. 1820 01:25:37,174 --> 01:25:39,594 No one cared how much they cost, because... 1821 01:25:39,677 --> 01:25:42,221 and I can't believe I'm admitting this, 1822 01:25:42,305 --> 01:25:44,223 it was the thought that counts. 1823 01:25:44,307 --> 01:25:46,851 [Sandy] He's gonna break his other arm, too. [Ralphie] Yeah. He just might. 1824 01:25:46,934 --> 01:25:49,937 -And, Dad, I have something for you. -Oh. 1825 01:25:50,021 --> 01:25:51,439 [chuckles] 1826 01:25:51,522 --> 01:25:53,399 -Ooh. -The gifts are great. 1827 01:25:53,482 --> 01:25:55,192 -Thanks. -You're welcome. 1828 01:25:55,276 --> 01:25:57,361 -Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas. 1829 01:25:58,779 --> 01:26:00,031 [Mrs. Parker] Oh. 1830 01:26:00,114 --> 01:26:02,783 -[laughing] -[Sandy] What? 1831 01:26:03,701 --> 01:26:05,536 Oh. A radiator. 1832 01:26:05,620 --> 01:26:07,788 -Where did you-- -I blackmailed Delbert. 1833 01:26:07,872 --> 01:26:10,583 -It was easy. -[chuckles] That's my girl. 1834 01:26:12,627 --> 01:26:14,170 Thank you, sweetheart. 1835 01:26:14,253 --> 01:26:16,088 I love it. 1836 01:26:16,172 --> 01:26:18,966 -[Ralphie] Delbert Bumpus. The gift that keeps on giving. -Oh, my God. 1837 01:26:25,932 --> 01:26:27,391 I can't wait. 1838 01:26:27,475 --> 01:26:29,226 Me neither. 1839 01:26:29,310 --> 01:26:31,729 [Mrs. Parker] Not until the casseroles are finished. 1840 01:26:31,812 --> 01:26:33,147 [groans] 1841 01:26:33,230 --> 01:26:35,650 [laughs] Come on, let's go. Two plates, two forks. 1842 01:26:35,733 --> 01:26:37,235 -Off you go. -You serious? 1843 01:26:37,318 --> 01:26:39,236 I'm serious. Out you go. Come on. 1844 01:26:39,320 --> 01:26:40,821 Put some meat on those bones. Go on. 1845 01:26:40,905 --> 01:26:42,531 -[Julie] It never ends. -I know, I know. 1846 01:26:47,787 --> 01:26:48,913 [Sandy sighs] 1847 01:26:51,290 --> 01:26:54,251 You know, I've been thinking. 1848 01:26:54,335 --> 01:26:57,004 I mean, a year, it really isn't that much time. 1849 01:26:57,088 --> 01:26:59,882 -And to build a writing career-- -No, honey. 1850 01:27:00,591 --> 01:27:01,884 A deal's a deal. 1851 01:27:01,968 --> 01:27:03,594 And it was a real gift. 1852 01:27:03,678 --> 01:27:06,514 But come January, I'm going back to work. 1853 01:27:07,139 --> 01:27:08,349 And that's okay. 1854 01:27:09,517 --> 01:27:10,685 Okay. 1855 01:27:31,998 --> 01:27:36,377 [Ralphie] It wasn't the lack of success that bothered me. 1856 01:27:36,460 --> 01:27:38,921 It was the sting that laid in the belief 1857 01:27:39,005 --> 01:27:42,216 that I still had something meaningful to say. 1858 01:27:44,760 --> 01:27:45,928 [woman] Ralphie! 1859 01:27:46,929 --> 01:27:48,180 Great job! 1860 01:27:50,641 --> 01:27:51,851 Okay. 1861 01:27:57,064 --> 01:27:58,399 [man] Hey, Ralphie! 1862 01:27:58,482 --> 01:27:59,900 The wife and I loved your story. 1863 01:28:00,860 --> 01:28:01,902 The newspaper. 1864 01:28:03,487 --> 01:28:04,530 It's great! 1865 01:28:30,431 --> 01:28:32,600 It's my story. 1866 01:28:32,683 --> 01:28:34,477 How did they get my story? 1867 01:28:34,560 --> 01:28:35,603 Don't look at me. 1868 01:28:38,105 --> 01:28:39,774 I gave it to 'em. 1869 01:28:39,857 --> 01:28:41,609 What are you talking about? 1870 01:28:41,692 --> 01:28:44,028 Well, last night, after you stormed out, the newspaper called. 1871 01:28:44,111 --> 01:28:46,489 They wanted the obituary for the Sunday paper. 1872 01:28:46,572 --> 01:28:49,992 So, I borrowed your mom's car and I dropped it off. 1873 01:28:50,076 --> 01:28:51,410 It's not an obituary. 1874 01:28:51,494 --> 01:28:55,164 No, I know. The editor said the same thing. 1875 01:28:55,247 --> 01:28:59,251 Ralph, I read it. It's the best thing you've ever written. 1876 01:29:01,420 --> 01:29:03,005 And besides, I wasn't about to give them 1877 01:29:03,089 --> 01:29:06,425 the lousy three sentences you scribbled on that notepad. 1878 01:29:06,509 --> 01:29:08,511 -[phone ringing] -Oh, I'll get it. 1879 01:29:10,596 --> 01:29:13,224 Hello? Yes. 1880 01:29:13,307 --> 01:29:14,725 Yes, he's here. 1881 01:29:14,809 --> 01:29:15,810 It's for you. 1882 01:29:15,893 --> 01:29:16,811 Who is it? 1883 01:29:16,894 --> 01:29:18,854 It's the editor from the paper. 1884 01:29:25,277 --> 01:29:26,278 Hello? 1885 01:29:27,404 --> 01:29:28,322 Uh-huh. 1886 01:29:29,115 --> 01:29:30,199 Yes. 1887 01:29:30,282 --> 01:29:32,785 Yes, I do. All right. 1888 01:29:34,411 --> 01:29:36,622 Okay. Mm-hm. 1889 01:29:39,416 --> 01:29:40,501 Thank you. 1890 01:29:46,465 --> 01:29:48,634 Well, what did he say? 1891 01:29:51,554 --> 01:29:54,306 He wants to know if I have more stories. 1892 01:29:59,228 --> 01:30:00,396 Ralph... 1893 01:30:01,605 --> 01:30:03,107 You did it. 1894 01:30:03,190 --> 01:30:05,276 I did it. I did it! 1895 01:30:05,359 --> 01:30:07,361 -[all laughing] -I did it. 1896 01:30:08,863 --> 01:30:11,073 I did. I actually did it! 1897 01:30:11,157 --> 01:30:14,034 I was a bona fide published writer! 1898 01:30:14,118 --> 01:30:15,452 And they wanted more! 1899 01:30:15,536 --> 01:30:18,664 -[indistinct chatter] -[knocking on door] 1900 01:30:18,747 --> 01:30:21,959 -I'll get it! -He also said it's gonna be syndicated. 1901 01:30:22,042 --> 01:30:23,377 -What? -What does that mean? 1902 01:30:23,460 --> 01:30:25,379 It means it's going in all the papers. 1903 01:30:25,462 --> 01:30:27,047 -Even in Chicago? -Yeah. 1904 01:30:27,131 --> 01:30:29,550 Come on. Let's go read it! 1905 01:30:29,633 --> 01:30:32,052 -Ralph. -[Julie] Wait for me! 1906 01:30:32,136 --> 01:30:34,430 -Thank you, honey. -Of course. 1907 01:30:34,513 --> 01:30:37,308 -[Mrs. Parker] Ralphie, you have visitors. -Go, go, go! 1908 01:30:37,391 --> 01:30:38,726 -Okay. Okay. -Go! 1909 01:30:38,809 --> 01:30:40,019 Who is it, Ma? 1910 01:30:40,102 --> 01:30:42,813 There he is! Hohman's own Ray Bradbury! 1911 01:30:42,897 --> 01:30:44,690 Oh, man! Good job. 1912 01:30:44,773 --> 01:30:47,776 -Hey! Yeah, good stuff, man. -Thanks, buddy. 1913 01:30:47,860 --> 01:30:49,028 Mom loved it. 1914 01:30:49,111 --> 01:30:50,696 -Had me read it to her twice. -Wow. 1915 01:30:50,779 --> 01:30:53,073 -Thanks for the story, Ralph. -Hey, Larry. 1916 01:30:53,157 --> 01:30:55,492 Great excuse to get out of the house. 1917 01:30:55,576 --> 01:30:56,660 -Yeah. -Oh, yeah. 1918 01:30:56,744 --> 01:30:59,079 How do you feel about casserole? 1919 01:30:59,163 --> 01:31:01,332 -I love it. -You must be hungry. 1920 01:31:01,415 --> 01:31:02,416 Casserole. 1921 01:31:02,499 --> 01:31:03,584 -Let's eat! -Come on. 1922 01:31:03,667 --> 01:31:05,920 Merry Christmas, everybody! 1923 01:31:06,003 --> 01:31:09,131 [Ralphie] As the word spread, it seemed like half the neighborhood showed up. 1924 01:31:09,215 --> 01:31:11,926 My mother welcomed them with open arms... 1925 01:31:12,009 --> 01:31:14,136 as long as they weren't carolers. 1926 01:31:14,220 --> 01:31:16,013 -You digging in? -Ralph. 1927 01:31:16,096 --> 01:31:17,181 [indistinct chatter] 1928 01:31:19,016 --> 01:31:20,893 -No, it's not true. -Officer Farkus... 1929 01:31:20,976 --> 01:31:22,436 Hey! What's all the fuss? 1930 01:31:22,519 --> 01:31:23,938 [all] Oh, Randy! 1931 01:31:24,813 --> 01:31:26,774 -Randy! -Mom! 1932 01:31:28,734 --> 01:31:30,194 Oh. 1933 01:31:30,277 --> 01:31:32,321 -Hey! Merry Christmas, big brother. -You made it. 1934 01:31:32,404 --> 01:31:34,615 Yeah. A cracker? 1935 01:31:34,698 --> 01:31:36,116 Mm-hm. 1936 01:31:36,200 --> 01:31:39,411 -[both] Uncle Randy! -Hey, runts! How are you doing? 1937 01:31:39,495 --> 01:31:41,121 Good to see you. Good to see you. 1938 01:31:41,205 --> 01:31:43,165 Hey, why don't you go check out that suitcase over there. 1939 01:31:43,249 --> 01:31:45,459 I picked up some gifts along the way. 1940 01:31:45,543 --> 01:31:46,752 -Sandy! -Randy! 1941 01:31:46,835 --> 01:31:49,129 -Hey. -Hey. Merry Christmas. 1942 01:31:49,213 --> 01:31:51,840 [gasps] It's the stuffed cat I wanted! 1943 01:31:51,924 --> 01:31:52,841 Oh. 1944 01:31:52,925 --> 01:31:55,302 Cool! A saber. 1945 01:31:55,386 --> 01:31:56,637 -Awesome! -Oh. 1946 01:31:56,720 --> 01:31:58,472 [Mrs. Parker] No, no, no. 1947 01:31:58,555 --> 01:32:00,641 [sniffs] What's that smell? 1948 01:32:00,724 --> 01:32:02,101 Casserole. Come on, let's eat. 1949 01:32:02,184 --> 01:32:03,477 -What, on Christmas? -Let's go. Go. 1950 01:32:03,561 --> 01:32:05,312 Come on. We need some dishes. 1951 01:32:05,396 --> 01:32:08,857 Extra chairs. Come on, everybody. Come on. 1952 01:32:08,941 --> 01:32:12,486 [Ralphie] Everyone gathered 'round, rolled up their sleeves, 1953 01:32:12,570 --> 01:32:14,363 and loosened their belts a notch. 1954 01:32:14,446 --> 01:32:17,324 Those casseroles didn't stand a chance. 1955 01:32:17,408 --> 01:32:20,703 Not with the bottomless pit known as... 1956 01:32:21,579 --> 01:32:23,831 good ol' Larry Novak. 1957 01:32:34,842 --> 01:32:35,634 Yeah! 1958 01:32:35,718 --> 01:32:37,177 [all cheering] 1959 01:32:37,261 --> 01:32:41,015 Turkey! Turkey's ready! Make room for the turkey! 1960 01:32:41,098 --> 01:32:42,266 [Mark] Finally! 1961 01:32:42,349 --> 01:32:44,810 Here we go. All right. 1962 01:32:44,893 --> 01:32:47,146 [Ralphie] When I tallied up the final scorecard, 1963 01:32:47,229 --> 01:32:50,190 it was hardly the perfect holiday I'd imagined. 1964 01:32:50,274 --> 01:32:52,067 My wife on crutches, 1965 01:32:52,151 --> 01:32:53,777 broken arm for my son, 1966 01:32:53,861 --> 01:32:55,988 my daughter nearly blinded, 1967 01:32:56,071 --> 01:32:57,448 stolen gifts, 1968 01:32:57,531 --> 01:32:59,575 and my book flopped. 1969 01:32:59,658 --> 01:33:03,162 But somehow, beyond the scope of probability, 1970 01:33:03,245 --> 01:33:06,040 through all the headaches and heartaches, 1971 01:33:06,123 --> 01:33:08,625 the house was filled with life, 1972 01:33:08,709 --> 01:33:10,002 laughter, 1973 01:33:10,085 --> 01:33:12,129 and love once again. 1974 01:33:13,255 --> 01:33:15,341 The old man would be proud. 1975 01:33:16,633 --> 01:33:18,510 [radio tuning, turns off] 1976 01:33:19,178 --> 01:33:20,179 [chuckles] 1977 01:33:21,388 --> 01:33:22,848 Hot damn, Ralph! 1978 01:33:22,931 --> 01:33:24,391 You did it. 1979 01:33:24,475 --> 01:33:26,060 [chuckles] 1980 01:33:26,143 --> 01:33:27,311 [Ralphie] Mom, what'd you think? 1981 01:33:27,394 --> 01:33:28,896 Oh, I haven't read it yet. 1982 01:33:28,979 --> 01:33:30,230 -What? -No. 1983 01:33:30,314 --> 01:33:33,233 I wanted to hear it from my son, the writer. 1984 01:33:33,317 --> 01:33:34,735 Yeah, Dad. Read it. 1985 01:33:34,818 --> 01:33:35,861 [Sandy] Yeah. 1986 01:33:37,363 --> 01:33:38,405 [chuckles] 1987 01:33:38,489 --> 01:33:39,948 Come here. 1988 01:33:40,032 --> 01:33:41,408 Come here. 1989 01:33:52,669 --> 01:33:53,879 [clears throat] 1990 01:33:55,255 --> 01:33:57,591 "My Old Man. 1991 01:33:57,674 --> 01:34:00,803 My old man didn't just celebrate Christmas, 1992 01:34:00,886 --> 01:34:02,304 he indulged in it. 1993 01:34:02,388 --> 01:34:04,431 Brought it to life for his family. 1994 01:34:07,017 --> 01:34:10,396 One Christmas in particular stood out as the gold standard. 1995 01:34:10,479 --> 01:34:14,108 And it all started back in the good old house on Cleveland Street. 1996 01:34:16,693 --> 01:34:18,987 Christmas was on its way... 1997 01:34:19,071 --> 01:34:21,573 lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas 1998 01:34:21,657 --> 01:34:24,535 around which the entire kid year revolved. 1999 01:34:26,370 --> 01:34:30,082 Downtown Hohman was prepared for its annual bacchanalia 2000 01:34:30,165 --> 01:34:33,419 of peace on Earth and good will to men. 2001 01:34:35,212 --> 01:34:37,423 But more importantly, to one boy, 2002 01:34:37,506 --> 01:34:40,384 his quest to acquire the most coveted gift 2003 01:34:40,467 --> 01:34:42,636 a nine-year-old could hope for... 2004 01:34:43,387 --> 01:34:45,097 The Holy Grail" 2005 01:34:45,180 --> 01:34:46,807 [young Ralphie] ...Holy Grail of Christmas gifts. 2006 01:34:46,890 --> 01:34:49,935 The Red Ryder, 200 shot, 2007 01:34:50,018 --> 01:34:52,354 range model air rifle.