1 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:07,526 - Freddie Prinze, the co-star of "Chico and the Man", 2 00:00:07,550 --> 00:00:09,527 was buried today in Beverly Hills. 3 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:13,072 One of the most moving eulogies was given by the man, 4 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:14,657 Jack Albertson. 5 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,534 - [Jack] Let us not mourn his death. 6 00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:17,535 - Richard Prior. 7 00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:18,786 - [Speaker] Chris Farley. 8 00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,121 - [Speaker 2] Greg Giraldo passed away today. 9 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:21,873 - [Speaker 3] Brother, let us celebrate his life. 10 00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:24,083 - Comedian Sam Kinison is dead. 11 00:00:24,107 --> 00:00:25,877 - [Speaker 3] And we will smile again. 12 00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:28,588 - Comic actor John Belushi died today. 13 00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:30,131 - [Speaker 3] And we will laugh again. 14 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,633 - [Narrator] The history of comedy can seem 15 00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:32,967 like a veritable graveyard, 16 00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,928 strewn with the careers of comedians 17 00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:37,639 {\an8}who suffered with mental illness and addiction, 18 00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:40,391 {\an8}who lost themselves to the art's darker side. 19 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,560 - There's no dark side of comedy, really. 20 00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,729 As a matter of fact, it's all dark. 21 00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:47,941 - Our community provides a home for them, 22 00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:51,194 and then there's the 10 that really deal with it. 23 00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,695 - She does this for a living. 24 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,573 Maria Bamford is a Duluth native who's been described 25 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:59,577 as one of the most original voices in standup comedy today. 26 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,037 - [Narrator] A favorite of A-listers, 27 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:04,540 insiders and hardcore comedy nerds, Maria Bamford 28 00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,626 is one of the few who has really dealt 29 00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:09,337 with mental illness head on in her life. 30 00:01:09,361 --> 00:01:12,715 - I see her, I found her, she was in a little ball, 31 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,242 curled up underneath a table. 32 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,720 - [Narrator] And in her act. 33 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:22,016 - Yeah, I was trying to kill myself, but I'm not insane. 34 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,728 - Maria really goes there in what she talks about. 35 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,730 So she's not just telling you 36 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,816 about feeling a little moody one day. 37 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:33,611 - Being alive in a way is inherently horrifying 38 00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:38,640 in a lot of respect, so comedy is one way to cope with that. 39 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:41,286 - [Narrator] But why do so many people working 40 00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,788 through mental illness find a home in comedy? 41 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:46,582 What solace does it provide, if any. 42 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:50,670 - What kind of person chooses to live the life of an artist? 43 00:01:50,694 --> 00:01:52,672 And is that a mental illness? 44 00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:55,717 - Comedy, mental illness, mental illness and comedy. 45 00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:58,511 It's tough stuff, but few people understand it better 46 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,096 than Maria Bamford. 47 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,224 - Listen, if you need a mental health interview, 48 00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:05,602 you hit the Bammer up, mental illness. 49 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,895 People aren't crazy about it, but for me, 50 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:10,440 it's been kind of a cash cow. 51 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,607 - [Announcer] Ladies, gentlemen, 52 00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:13,192 you're about to entertained. 53 00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:15,278 - [Speaker 4] Getting laugh is the greatest addiction. 54 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:16,613 - [Speaker 5] They want more of it, they want more of it. 55 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:17,655 - [Speaker 6] She was getting death threats. 56 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:18,656 - [Speaker 7] It took your head. 57 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:19,824 - [Speaker 8] All of this stuff. 58 00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:20,950 - [Speaker 9] That's what took her down. 59 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,035 - [Speaker 10] This is a crazy story. 60 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:24,728 (dramatic music) 61 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,957 ♪ Do do do do do do ♪ 62 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,083 {\an8}- Okay, slate. 63 00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:30,376 {\an8}-... you, 64 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,754 {\an8}- Slate, your name for the show business people. 65 00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:33,547 {\an8}- [Crew Member] Slate, sorry. 66 00:02:33,571 --> 00:02:34,922 {\an8}- Oh yes, slate. 67 00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,674 {\an8}- [Crew Member] Maria Bamford, take one, one. 68 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:41,554 {\an8}♪ Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do ♪ 69 00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:43,181 {\an8}- I have a tremor as a result 70 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:45,350 {\an8}of some of my mood stabilizer medicine. 71 00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:48,645 And basically, my brand is weakness. 72 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:51,397 I don't wanna fix it, how else would people know 73 00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:53,608 it's a Maria Bamford project? 74 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,485 (audience applauds) 75 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,153 - Maria Bamford, right everybody. 76 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,446 - [Narrator] Maria Bamford 77 00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,531 is your favorite comedian's favorite comedian. 78 00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:01,532 - It's me. 79 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:02,992 {\an8}- She's the greatest. 80 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,203 {\an8}I mean, I went to my eye doctor yesterday and he said, 81 00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:06,537 "Who's your favorite?" 82 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:07,747 I said, "Well, my favorite and the best comedian 83 00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:09,123 "is Maria Bamford." 84 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:10,625 - It's an old American classic, 85 00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:13,378 join in if you know the words. 86 00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:17,674 ♪ Old McDonald had a pterodactyl ♪ 87 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,967 ♪ Ee I ee I o ♪ 88 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:24,621 ♪ With a (screeches) ♪ 89 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,228 Thanks a lot, you guys. 90 00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:32,438 (audience applauds) 91 00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:36,567 - Oh my God, what a... ing nut case, huh, holy shit. 92 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:37,735 {\an8}- I thought she was one of 93 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,278 {\an8}the most brilliant comedians working. 94 00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:43,491 {\an8}- Follow your bliss and get the... out! 95 00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:44,742 {\an8}Bitches ain't shit. 96 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:47,620 - I'm obsessed with her, I'm obsessed with her. 97 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:50,164 {\an8}- Go away, get away from me. 98 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,500 {\an8}I don't like your comedy styling. 99 00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:56,170 - There's a special talent there that is totally original. 100 00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,881 - I'm not a Vegas comic. 101 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,718 Yeah, I definitely do not adhere to the philosophy 102 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:05,930 of making everyone feel good or have a good time. 103 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:08,266 - [Narrator] Bamford has racked up sold out tours, 104 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:10,643 standup specials, and even her own sitcom. 105 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:14,188 - I mean, I would say she's my idol, 106 00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:16,607 but I know that would make her uncomfortable. 107 00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:18,401 Gimme a list of people you think are close 108 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:22,071 and I'll shit all over them. (laughs) 109 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,197 Not because they're not good, 110 00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:25,283 but because they're no Maria Bamford. 111 00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:27,034 - [Narrator] Her act revolves in large part 112 00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:29,579 around her personal struggles with mental illness, 113 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,874 which she reveals in raw and often disturbing detail. 114 00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:35,084 But it took a long time for Bamford to get here, 115 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:38,880 earning respect and accolades for her oddness and honesty. 116 00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:42,717 {\an8}♪ I'm in a state of happiness ♪ 117 00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,302 {\an8}♪ My boyfriend's super sweet ♪ 118 00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,012 {\an8}♪ Even though he's super quiet doesn't mean ♪ 119 00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,680 {\an8}♪ He is judging me ♪ 120 00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:51,142 {\an8}♪ I've got a job where I don't feel like hurting myself ♪ 121 00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:53,144 - Oscar winner, Jessica Lang, 122 00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:55,563 Nobel prize winner, Bob Dylan, 123 00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:58,649 and American Comedy Awards' best club comic award winner, 124 00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:01,676 Maria Bamford, all hail from Duluth. 125 00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:08,391 - Duluth is very a progressive city on a beautiful lake, 126 00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:11,537 Lake Superior. 127 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:12,955 - [Narrator] Hers was a seemingly normal, 128 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,208 utterly inauspicious upbringing. 129 00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:17,084 - I was very functional. 130 00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:19,295 I went to a private Catholic school, 131 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,840 so got lots of attention, great community. 132 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:25,635 My parents were religious so we went to church, 133 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,721 which can be a great thing, 134 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:31,557 where it lights your brain on fire. 135 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:32,892 - [Narrator] But from a young age, 136 00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:35,895 Bamford's brain chemistry seemed a little unique. 137 00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:40,775 - I did have depression, and starting around the eight, 138 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:43,402 nine, or 10, and it's pretty dark. 139 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:44,695 Wasn't able to sleep at night, 140 00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:46,489 so I stopped being able to sleep. 141 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:49,516 I had this real panic, fear, terror. 142 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:54,497 {\an8}- I've known Maria for about 23 years, 143 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,707 {\an8}and not to be presumptuous, 144 00:05:56,731 --> 00:06:00,545 I would say I'm one of her closest friends. 145 00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:04,590 She's very open about when she was a child. 146 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,218 She talks about being worried about 147 00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:09,971 essentially cutting her parents into chunks 148 00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:13,558 and then putting into blender. (laughs) 149 00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:16,727 - I had this fear that I was somehow a dangerous person, 150 00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:20,064 that somehow I would molest, rape, 151 00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:22,817 kill members of my family. 152 00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,485 - [Narrator] Racked by intrusive thoughts 153 00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:28,072 and sleepless nights, Bamford's parents sought help for. 154 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:33,119 - They sent me to a therapist who was a Christian therapist. 155 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,704 Whoops. 156 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,206 - [Narrator] Fearing what she might do to other people, 157 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:40,209 Bamford was a withdrawn adolescent. 158 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,086 - I started to isolate more, 159 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:45,506 definitely didn't like to make eye contact with people. 160 00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:49,719 I was bulimic until I was about 19, and yeah, 161 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:52,179 What, a white woman? (snores) 162 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,724 - [Narrator] She found a refuge in the arts, in music, 163 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,602 live performance, and especially comedy. 164 00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,395 - Any opportunity to publicly speak, 165 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,772 I always took that throughout grade school, 166 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:03,691 throughout high school. 167 00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:06,485 And then when there was an open mic, I was like, 168 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:09,071 "Oh my gosh, this is definitely what I would like to do." 169 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:10,323 - [Narrator] As a college student, 170 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,533 Bamford started performing in Minneapolis. 171 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:14,351 - Two words, sold out. 172 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:21,667 I just go wherever I do well, I did a lot of women's shows, 173 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,085 GLBTQ shows, 174 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:27,489 where it was more welcoming theatrical performances. 175 00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:31,052 {\an8}- [Narrator] Like so many before her seeking success, 176 00:07:31,076 --> 00:07:34,305 {\an8}fame, and fortune, Bamford headed west. 177 00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:37,791 - So I took, I think $600 and drove on out. 178 00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:43,481 I had just gotten a job in a touring show 179 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:46,984 for "Star Trek" characters with Paramount Parks. 180 00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:49,528 Anyways, I did "Deep Space Nine" characters. 181 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:52,406 Walk over to the Jack In The Box, check in. 182 00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:55,725 We've just landed, are there curly fries? 183 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,331 - [Narrator] She kept performing standup pretty much 184 00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,749 wherever she could. 185 00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:03,668 - Hi, my name is Maria, 186 00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,711 I'm originally from Duluth, Minnesota. 187 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:07,988 Duluth in the house, oh yeah. 188 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:11,300 - I don't remember when was the first time 189 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,677 I saw her perform her comedy, 190 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:15,513 but I remember as she performed at this laundromat 191 00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:20,059 on Sunset, and there are a couple people doing laundry, 192 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:24,146 and they sort of stopped doing laundry and stood around. 193 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:26,607 And Maria performed and people laughed. 194 00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,527 - Everything in Los Angeles is an industry showcase, 195 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,529 even the laundromat. 196 00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:34,073 There's some assistant to an assistant, 197 00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:35,741 who's doing their laundry, 198 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,828 and can get you in front of Bernie Brillstein. 199 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,830 - I did a lot of positive affirmations, 200 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,248 I'll tell you that much. 201 00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:46,127 One of my affirmations when I first started was, 202 00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:48,254 I'm Maria, I'm one of the top 10 comedians 203 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:52,174 in the United States, I can do it, okay. 204 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:54,260 - [Narrator] Those affirmations helped Bamford get through 205 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:56,595 some pretty unforgiving early gigs. 206 00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:58,681 - Hi, I'm Patten Oswalt, I'm a comedian. 207 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:02,143 First time that I saw Maria Bamford was at the improv 208 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:05,479 on a weeknight, doing a very short set, 209 00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:09,483 and it was a pretty hostile environment. 210 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:12,486 - And this guy was yelling out at alternate intervals, 211 00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,763 "Yippee", it was kind of fun. 212 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:17,032 He was kind of funny and he was in the back. 213 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:19,410 And so I guess they tried to get that guy to leave. 214 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:22,913 All of a sudden, I hear this. (mouths buzzing) 215 00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:25,416 And they called in the local police department 216 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,792 and they tasered the guy. 217 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:27,669 - [Speaker 11] Oh. 218 00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:28,919 - And he falls to the ground, 219 00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:31,547 he starts crawling towards the stage, going, 220 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:36,576 "I'm having a good time, I wanna watch to rest of the show." 221 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:43,100 - I'm Marc Maron, and I am a peer of Maria Bamford. 222 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:45,144 I'd like to think I'm a friend. 223 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:46,687 - Yeah, thank you for having me. 224 00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:47,855 - It's weird though, I do get kind of nervous around you. 225 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,315 And I always have, I don't know why, 226 00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:50,691 but I'm trying to fight it. 227 00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:52,276 - Well, yeah, I don't really think there's anything 228 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,736 to get nervous about. - 'Cause I think you're 229 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,072 the best comic in the country, and that's the truth. 230 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:59,867 I really do, when My Space was still important, 231 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:01,494 you're in my top one. 232 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,078 She's unto two herself with it, 233 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:08,108 but you sort of realize that there's a special talent there 234 00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:10,777 that is totally original. 235 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:15,966 {\an8}- Hi, I'm Amy, I'm Maria Bamford's friend. 236 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:19,678 {\an8}She told me she was a comedian at one point, and I thought, 237 00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:21,746 oh, okay, that's good. 238 00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:24,600 She asked me to come to a show. 239 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:25,768 There was a few other comedians 240 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:28,062 and then she was the last one. 241 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:31,089 And I'm like, "Whoa, Maria's funny." 242 00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:34,109 - Well, I think a lot of comedians 243 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,653 when they're starting out, you're insecure on stage, 244 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:36,654 you don't want to be vulnerable. 245 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:38,239 What's so miraculous about Maria 246 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,491 is she came out of the gate that way. 247 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:43,494 - I stumbled into Maria completely by accident. 248 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:47,540 {\an8}I was invited to the improv to see a comic, 249 00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:50,376 and I was having conversation with someone. 250 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,337 And almost like my antenna went up, of a sound. 251 00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:57,365 - Guess it was intriguing enough that they said, 252 00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:00,427 "Why don't we put this on TV?" 253 00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:02,388 {\an8}- Please welcome Maria Bamford. 254 00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:06,433 {\an8}(audience cheering and applauding) 255 00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:07,643 - [Narrator] But Maria's taste 256 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,895 of stand up stardom didn't offer much relief 257 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,605 from the war inside her head. 258 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:13,816 She still suffered from intrusive, 259 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,735 and often wildly violent fantasies. 260 00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:20,322 - The next time I think I told people about those thoughts 261 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:24,517 and those fears, I think was when I was around 34. 262 00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:30,583 I thought, you know what, I got money, I've got some cash. 263 00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:33,627 Why don't you go see if anybody knows about this thing? 264 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:37,572 And then I Google, oh my God, just Google it. 265 00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:40,926 I said, "Unwanted thoughts." 266 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:43,888 - [Director] Can you hold up thoughts again? 267 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:45,973 - [Speaker 12] So you have unwanted thoughts... 268 00:11:45,997 --> 00:11:48,058 - [Director] I don't think that's how you spell thoughts. 269 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:51,562 - [Maria] Unwanted fears, anxieties, 270 00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:54,565 anxiety I'm gonna hurt someone or myself. 271 00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:57,735 - [Narrator] Bamford's Googling offered an early diagnosis. 272 00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,136 Obsessive compulsive disorder. 273 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,157 - [Director] Unwanted is also spelled wrong. 274 00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:04,325 - [Speaker 13] Oh my God. 275 00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:06,160 - There are many different types of OCD, 276 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,536 it can really focus on anything. 277 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,205 For some people it's hand washing, 278 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:12,750 for some people it's being afraid of driving 279 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:15,502 because people believe they run someone over. 280 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:18,047 - Where you become your own faulty narrator, 281 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,506 your own untrustworthy narrator. 282 00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:22,509 - OCD is exhausting, and I think that sometimes, 283 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:26,472 people who genuinely have clinical OCD 284 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,349 are sometimes offended when somebody's like, 285 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:31,685 "Oh, I totally have OCD, I do. 286 00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:33,646 "I have to keep everything just lined up." 287 00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:36,023 Can you not leave your house for months? 288 00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:37,608 {\an8}- [Interviewer] So you Googled it? 289 00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:40,635 - Googled, found this guy, Glendale. 290 00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:45,658 10 minute drive from me, Dr. Rodney Boone. 291 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,661 {\an8}I've gotta go see my OCD therapist, Dr. Boone. 292 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:50,788 {\an8}- Let's pay attention to your body and how its feeling. 293 00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:51,812 {\an8}You suck! 294 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:57,711 - He gave me some exercises, and which are very well known 295 00:12:57,735 --> 00:12:59,672 throughout the OCD community. 296 00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:03,926 Things that you do specifically to flood yourself 297 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,719 with whatever your fear is. 298 00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:08,430 - [Narrator] Flooding is a form of immersion therapy 299 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:09,765 that involves writing down 300 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,935 those intrusive troubling thoughts over and over. 301 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:16,546 {\an8}- So flooding is a way of really confronting 302 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,692 {\an8}the very thing that you're frightened about. 303 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,902 When you chart them and you write them, 304 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,345 you overwork the experience. 305 00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:29,702 - It was such a relief, and also a relief to know, 306 00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,954 it's just such a nice relief to know that you're not alone. 307 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:35,207 - The mental health thing was not 308 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:38,252 exactly obvious from the start, because in show business 309 00:13:38,276 --> 00:13:40,796 you have a lot of very quirky people. 310 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,007 - When you hear about a mental health struggle, 311 00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:46,844 and you live in Los Angeles, I think it's just, 312 00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:50,973 "Okay, yeah, you got a mental health struggle, great." 313 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:53,684 But it did become serious. 314 00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:58,355 - I have this therapist, I have a lot of anxiety, right? 315 00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:00,399 And so she told me it's important to just, 316 00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:03,152 I should try to sing my anxiety's aloud 317 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,821 'cause that kind of takes the power away from 'em, 318 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,531 takes the power away. 319 00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:15,372 ♪ If I keep my ice cube trays clean then God can't kill me ♪ 320 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:16,957 ♪ Yeah ♪ 321 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:20,586 ♪ If I clench my fist at alternate intervals ♪ 322 00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:23,255 ♪ Then the darkness within me can't take over my hands ♪ 323 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:26,300 ♪ And force me to do things that I don't wanna do ♪ 324 00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:29,136 ♪ That are violent or inappropriately sexual ♪ 325 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,454 ♪ Ah and I ♪ 326 00:14:32,747 --> 00:14:35,166 Are you naked, God damn you. 327 00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:40,314 ♪ Was a marginally successful comedian living in Los Angeles ♪ 328 00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:41,648 ♪ for 14 years doing standup ♪ 329 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,025 ♪ But I never got my own sitcom ♪ 330 00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,319 ♪ Then my boyfriend turned out to be bisexual ♪ 331 00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:47,321 ♪ And I forgot to pay my insurance premium ♪ 332 00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:49,156 ♪ So I couldn't afford my medication ♪ 333 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:50,991 ♪ For OCD depression anxiety ♪ 334 00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,326 ♪ And then my parents found me ♪ 335 00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:53,786 ♪ on a sidewalk selling clock radios in Detroit ♪ 336 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:55,579 ♪ They said hey why won't you come live with us ♪ 337 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,539 ♪ in Duluth Minnesota while you're try ♪ 338 00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,666 ♪ To get your medications kind of stabilized ♪ 339 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,043 ♪ And they took me back to their house ♪ 340 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,252 ♪ Where I'm living in the attic ♪ 341 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:04,671 ♪ with my 11 year old pug named Blossom ♪ 342 00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:07,132 ♪ It's the "Maria Bamford Show" hey ♪ 343 00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:09,384 - [Narrator] Beyond transcribing her deepest fears over, 344 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:12,763 and over, and over again, Maria Bamford found another way 345 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,640 to confront her darkest thoughts. 346 00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:15,891 {\an8}So it was a one person sitcom, 347 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,103 {\an8}one person showed that became a web series. 348 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:23,131 I'd gone slightly mad, and moved home to Duluth, 349 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,610 and what that would be like. 350 00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:31,073 ♪ Rise and shine and give God your glory glory. ♪ 351 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,243 - I told my mom not to wake me up. 352 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:39,272 And again, a great fear of mine that that would happen. 353 00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:41,375 {\an8}- Necessity is the mother of invention. 354 00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:45,420 {\an8}If you're given a very, very small budget, 355 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:46,797 what can you do with that budget? 356 00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:51,826 {\an8}♪ I have unwanted thought syndrome ♪ 357 00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:57,081 {\an8}♪ A little known version of obsessive compulsive disorder ♪ 358 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,520 - All of the action kind of takes place in her room, 359 00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:05,607 and essentially she's playing all the characters. 360 00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:07,609 {\an8}- So her struggle is presented 361 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:14,199 {\an8}as this multi character presentation 362 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:16,869 {\an8}of her kind of indulging 363 00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:20,622 {\an8}all these different parts within her. 364 00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:23,083 {\an8}- Maria, I know this is a dark time for you, 365 00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:26,319 {\an8}but I need to confront you on an issue 366 00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:29,238 {\an8}from our last session. 367 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,408 {\an8}You sang an anxiety song, 368 00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:36,704 {\an8}now you're using it in your comedy bits. 369 00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:39,808 - I don't know what funny is 370 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,519 in terms of what it is to other people. 371 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:46,815 To me, it was very funny, also, it paid. 372 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,567 - [Narrator] The show found a cult following 373 00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:51,904 and introduced its star to a hipper, weirder comedy world 374 00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:54,156 that was emerging in the early 2000s. 375 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,575 - At the time that she was getting her legs, 376 00:16:56,599 --> 00:17:00,537 alternative comedy was a thing, and she had full support. 377 00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:04,208 - Okay, oh my gosh, there's the camera already. 378 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:06,168 I love show business. 379 00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,961 {\an8}- [Narrator] This old comedy scene was captured 380 00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:12,341 in a 2005 documentary called, "The Comedians Of Comedy". 381 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,635 {\an8}It saw comics playing indie rock clubs 382 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,345 {\an8}and other venues that fell outside 383 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,473 {\an8}the traditional two drink a minimum comedy club circuit. 384 00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:21,016 - I wanted her in "The Comedians Of Comedy" 385 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,352 just cause I thought she was a brilliant comedian, 386 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,479 but also, and much like Zach, 387 00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:28,273 I don't think that the comedy club, 388 00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,524 {\an8}the way that it was structured, 389 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:30,984 {\an8}and the way the audiences knew 390 00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:33,862 {\an8}how to listen to comedy, was the best showcase for her. 391 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,782 - My mama, she told me recently, she said. 392 00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:41,769 "Honey, when you don't wear makeup, you look mentally ill." 393 00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:44,939 (audience laughs) 394 00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:51,004 So now when I go home I'm sure to wear thick green eyeshadow 395 00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:54,740 and a line of lipstick around my lips, huh? 396 00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:59,805 Baby look pretty now, mommy? 397 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:02,558 (audience laughs) 398 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,269 {\an8}- My name is Sarah Benincasa, I'm a comedian, 399 00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:08,563 {\an8}and author and actress living in New York City. 400 00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,774 All Comedy is where I came up. 401 00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,193 All Comedy rooms are where you could be weird. 402 00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:16,738 You could do back flips, or twirl a baton. 403 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,615 {\an8}- There was that personal confessional sign, 404 00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:19,992 {\an8}but then there were just people 405 00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,660 {\an8}also just being more experimental 406 00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:24,162 {\an8}in how they delivered their material. 407 00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,039 - For people who don't know what they've come to see, 408 00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:27,666 I'm not a good time. 409 00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,126 - [Narrator] With a unique voice, 410 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:32,045 and new audiences hip to the emerging alt comedy scene, 411 00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:34,548 Bamford's cult comic status grew. 412 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:37,509 {\an8}- I sat with her in a car for an hour and a half or so, 413 00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:39,845 {\an8}maybe two hours, and we talked, 414 00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:46,018 and I realized, oh, she's shy and really nice. 415 00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:49,438 Maria may never have said, "I have depression, 416 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,106 "I have anxiety, I have." 417 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,734 Whatever it was, she didn't have to. 418 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:56,236 If you have it, you know exactly. 419 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:58,030 I mean, game knows game, 420 00:18:58,054 --> 00:19:00,198 and mental illness knows mental illness. 421 00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:01,658 - [Narrator] Those close to her noticed 422 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,702 some strange behavior, but chopped it up 423 00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:06,413 to Maria just being Maria. 424 00:19:06,437 --> 00:19:08,457 {\an8}- I used to go with her a lot of places, 425 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:12,127 {\an8}'cause I would go on vacation and I'd go with Maria. 426 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,297 And I remember when she was doing John Oliver's show, 427 00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:16,673 I thought, oh I better go talk to her 428 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,759 and make sure she's okay. 429 00:19:18,783 --> 00:19:20,635 And I said, "Maria, where are you, 430 00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:22,179 "I'm gonna come visit you." 431 00:19:22,203 --> 00:19:23,597 And she goes, "Oh, I'm here, and she was in the green room. 432 00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:26,558 And I'm looking around for, and then I found her. 433 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:31,295 She was in a little ball, curled up underneath a table. 434 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,757 And I go, "Maria, are you okay?" 435 00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:39,071 "Yeah, I'm fine." 436 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:42,866 "Why are you in a bowl underneath the table?" 437 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:45,702 Oh, "I just need to be alone, can you leave me alone, 438 00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:46,745 "can you leave me alone?" 439 00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:48,997 And I'm like, "Oh yeah." 440 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:53,251 And she gets on stage, she... ing kills it. 441 00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:55,420 - Please welcome the wonderful Maria Bamford. 442 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,673 (audience cheers and applauds) 443 00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,341 - [Narrator] As Maria's profile rose, 444 00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,551 new opportunities presented themselves. 445 00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:05,597 {\an8}- I first became aware of her on the Target commercials, 446 00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:08,850 {\an8}where she was this crazy target lady. 447 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,727 That was actually the name of the character, 448 00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:11,895 Crazy Target Lady. 449 00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:14,648 - And Maria never, ever took the opinion 450 00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,483 that people should be throwing money at her. 451 00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:18,568 And I think Target was one of the first times where I go, 452 00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,654 "Well, they are throwing money at you." 453 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:24,390 (Crazy Target Lady shouts) 454 00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:27,411 - [Narrator] In a series of holiday season ads 455 00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:30,497 for big box retail giant, Target, 456 00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:32,707 Maria played an intense super shopper 457 00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:35,544 with her own distinct psychological profile. 458 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,712 - The Target two day sales starts soon, 459 00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:42,843 and I feel like I have OCD, obsessive Christmas disorder. 460 00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:45,387 But I know it's just the holiday spirit coursing 461 00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:47,597 through my body, and into my heart, 462 00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:50,934 and up into my red and green brain. 463 00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,186 - I know the Target commercial was really, 464 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,647 really stressful for her. 465 00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:58,775 {\an8}It was long days, she didn't really have anyone 466 00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:01,820 {\an8}to go with her and support her when she was filming. 467 00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,822 {\an8}- And I used to be very obsessed 468 00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,699 with whether being a spokesperson, 469 00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:10,162 even if it was a character for Target, was a bad thing. 470 00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:11,538 - Maria did the Maria thing, 471 00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:14,040 where it's like she started investigating Target, 472 00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:16,251 and looking online, 473 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:19,629 seeing that they were using overseas children, 474 00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:24,426 slave labor kind of situations in her opinion. 475 00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:27,220 And I'm sure they were just underpaid. 476 00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:31,683 - Target has some problematic areas in its business, 477 00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:33,685 as every business does. 478 00:21:33,709 --> 00:21:35,562 I mean, it's not really any better than Walmart, 479 00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:39,566 except for the aesthetics of it that is more progressive. 480 00:21:39,590 --> 00:21:41,943 - [Narrator] The Target campaign would be a star making turn 481 00:21:41,967 --> 00:21:46,698 for any other comic, for Bamford, it only caused trouble. 482 00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:49,117 Her mental health began to spiral. 483 00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:50,785 - The Target commercial was something 484 00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:52,954 that just... ing cracked her ass. 485 00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,540 - I just could not let it go. 486 00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:59,211 I couldn't let go of the job itself or the question. 487 00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:02,005 And yeah, I went to see a priest. 488 00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:04,382 I contacted "The New York Times" ethicist, 489 00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:07,594 who in fact, did talk to me on the phone. 490 00:22:07,618 --> 00:22:09,596 And he said, "Yeah, no, it is wrong what you're doing?" 491 00:22:09,620 --> 00:22:11,389 And I was like, "Oh, God dammit." 492 00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:13,600 - [Marketa] And I think, also, that was around the time 493 00:22:13,624 --> 00:22:16,520 when she started having a little bit of a hard time 494 00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:17,771 with her mental health. 495 00:22:17,795 --> 00:22:19,689 - One day she said, 496 00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,692 "Amy, well, I might have to check myself in. 497 00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:24,903 "I'm not feeling very well." 498 00:22:24,927 --> 00:22:26,738 I said, "Maria, are you okay?" 499 00:22:26,762 --> 00:22:29,282 And she goes, "Well, I'm having thoughts of suicide." 500 00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:31,952 (gasps) Maria. 501 00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:34,728 (gloomy music) 502 00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:40,752 - [Narrator] Mental health has always been 503 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:43,255 at the forefront of Maria Bamford's act. 504 00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:45,674 On the outside, she was managing, 505 00:22:45,698 --> 00:22:49,344 but inside Maria's head, a storm was brewing. 506 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:53,807 {\an8}- One of the symptoms of mania is pressured speech. 507 00:22:53,831 --> 00:22:56,685 That's when you start speaking very quickly 508 00:22:56,709 --> 00:23:00,814 about certain ideas, and not letting anyone interrupt you. 509 00:23:00,838 --> 00:23:03,984 {\an8}And my friend Amy said, "Hey Maria, 510 00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:06,778 "you're talking a little fast." 511 00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:11,765 - (gasps) Maria, are you okay, what's happening? 512 00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:14,536 She said, 513 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:18,623 "I might have to check myself into a mental institution. 514 00:23:18,647 --> 00:23:21,001 "I'm not having good thoughts." 515 00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:22,919 - My psychiatrist at the time said, 516 00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:25,547 "You really need to be on a mood stabilizer." 517 00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:30,576 So that's when I agreed to go on a new medication, Lamictal. 518 00:23:31,368 --> 00:23:33,638 {\an8}- [Narrator] This latest psycho pharmacological 519 00:23:33,662 --> 00:23:36,266 {\an8}intervention came at a key moment in her career. 520 00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:40,729 {\an8}- I was getting out and I had these shows in Chicago. 521 00:23:40,753 --> 00:23:44,024 I believe it was the next week after I left the hospital. 522 00:23:44,048 --> 00:23:47,652 I just thought, oh, I'll take it, nip it in the bud. 523 00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:51,031 {\an8}- Yeah, I think that was the first time when I kind of 524 00:23:51,055 --> 00:23:53,658 {\an8}really felt like something was really off. 525 00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,327 - [Narrator] Bamford was scheduled to perform 526 00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:57,621 a run of shows in the windy city. 527 00:23:57,645 --> 00:24:00,081 They were big, important headlining gigs. 528 00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:02,083 {\an8}- She was really kind of moving into that place, 529 00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:03,793 {\an8}where people were showing up for her, 530 00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:04,836 {\an8}people knew why they were there. 531 00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:07,505 {\an8}She knew that the crowd knew her, 532 00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:11,134 {\an8}and that's a life changing moment for a comic. 533 00:24:11,158 --> 00:24:14,095 {\an8}That means it was all worthwhile, all that struggle. 534 00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:16,014 You finally got to a place 535 00:24:16,038 --> 00:24:18,642 where these are my people. 536 00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:20,769 - [Narrator] Maria booked a few hometown shows in LA 537 00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:23,063 {\an8}to prepare for her Chicago run, 538 00:24:23,087 --> 00:24:25,815 but she noticed that something was off. 539 00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:29,569 - Lamictal though, sometimes causes cognitive distortions. 540 00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:31,196 So for me, it made it a little bit difficult 541 00:24:31,220 --> 00:24:32,781 to think and talk. 542 00:24:32,805 --> 00:24:34,658 Oh, okay, I'll go for a walk 543 00:24:34,682 --> 00:24:37,869 and then I'll go through all my jokes. 544 00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:39,412 I mean, what is it, remembering? 545 00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:42,457 I could remember them, I just couldn't say them out loud. 546 00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:43,917 (Maria yawns loudly) 547 00:24:43,941 --> 00:24:48,838 Which as we've established, it's my entire livelihood. 548 00:24:48,862 --> 00:24:51,174 Started getting very anxious. 549 00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:54,636 Like, "Oh, I'm not doing well here. 550 00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:57,389 "I'm not able to rehearse." 551 00:24:57,413 --> 00:25:00,642 And all sad because nobody knew what was going on 552 00:25:00,666 --> 00:25:02,936 inside my brain, they were all like, 553 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:05,522 "Hey, you're gonna be fine, you're gonna be great. 554 00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:08,149 "You know your act, it'll be fine, just do it." 555 00:25:08,173 --> 00:25:10,986 Yeah, I just don't think I understood 556 00:25:11,010 --> 00:25:14,781 or they understood how confused I was. 557 00:25:14,805 --> 00:25:17,182 And so I even flew to Chicago. 558 00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:21,538 Got there, I was panicking. 559 00:25:21,562 --> 00:25:23,665 {\an8}I thought, oh, okay, I'll go for a walk 560 00:25:23,689 --> 00:25:25,667 {\an8}and then I'll go through all my jokes. 561 00:25:25,691 --> 00:25:27,919 - [Narrator] And during that stroll around Chicago, 562 00:25:27,943 --> 00:25:30,630 things got a little fuzzy. 563 00:25:30,654 --> 00:25:35,593 - I got kind of lost, I'd somehow lost all 564 00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:36,636 of my identification 565 00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:38,680 while I was walking. 566 00:25:38,704 --> 00:25:41,766 I mean, it was really like a kind of a space time, 567 00:25:41,790 --> 00:25:43,685 I don't really know exactly what happened, 568 00:25:43,709 --> 00:25:45,335 It was very weird. 569 00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:50,024 I cut my hand at some point, so I was bleeding. 570 00:25:50,048 --> 00:25:51,818 I got to back to the hotel room, 571 00:25:51,842 --> 00:25:54,779 and this was probably two hours before the show. 572 00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:56,072 And I called Bruce. 573 00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:58,450 - As soon as I heard Maria's voice, I was like, 574 00:25:58,474 --> 00:26:00,452 "No, no, no, she's not doing the show." 575 00:26:00,476 --> 00:26:03,037 - And I was just scream crying. 576 00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:06,499 - With Maria, was never one where she's kind of wore 577 00:26:06,523 --> 00:26:07,917 her emotions on her sleeve. 578 00:26:07,941 --> 00:26:11,296 So if she's calling me and she's genuinely upset, 579 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,674 and kind of disturbed by the fact that she feels like 580 00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:18,678 she's out of control with her own emotions, 581 00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:22,599 what kind of a human am I if I say, "The show must go on." 582 00:26:22,623 --> 00:26:26,227 - [Narrator] Confused, alone, with no ID and no money, 583 00:26:26,251 --> 00:26:28,605 and also bleeding somehow, 584 00:26:28,629 --> 00:26:30,815 Maria made it to the Chicago airport. 585 00:26:30,839 --> 00:26:32,025 - Called my mom first, I said, 586 00:26:32,049 --> 00:26:34,527 "Mom, I can't do this." 587 00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:38,615 She said, "Honey, tell 'em about your website." 588 00:26:38,639 --> 00:26:40,450 - [Narrator] Arriving safely in Los Angeles, 589 00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:43,578 Maria immediately checked herself into a psych ward. 590 00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:47,999 - Not great, but I was safe, or relatively safe. 591 00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:50,293 The psych ward is not a healing place, 592 00:26:50,317 --> 00:26:54,738 it's just a place to sit down or crouch in a corner. 593 00:26:55,656 --> 00:26:57,801 - For all I knew, it was just a momentary thing, 594 00:26:57,825 --> 00:27:00,762 like when people have panic attacks, 595 00:27:00,786 --> 00:27:02,222 but this didn't feel like that. 596 00:27:02,246 --> 00:27:05,391 - I would go and visit her, I think almost every day. 597 00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:07,769 Right, there's not a lot of silence 598 00:27:07,793 --> 00:27:11,022 or quiet moments with Maria, she just kind of likes to talk. 599 00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:13,131 And she was really quiet. 600 00:27:14,174 --> 00:27:18,822 - I've had clients where they have ADD or OCD, 601 00:27:18,846 --> 00:27:21,157 and I see where it's debilitating 602 00:27:21,181 --> 00:27:25,370 to an aspect of their life, but it's not debilitating 603 00:27:25,394 --> 00:27:28,331 in the sense that it totally short circuits. 604 00:27:28,355 --> 00:27:30,917 With Maria, this was a complete short circuiting. 605 00:27:30,941 --> 00:27:33,127 {\an8}- People picture "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", 606 00:27:33,151 --> 00:27:35,630 {\an8}or "Girl Interrupted", in actuality, 607 00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:39,717 it's more similar to a hospital, hospital, 608 00:27:39,741 --> 00:27:42,345 than it is to "Cuckoo's Nest". 609 00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:45,890 It's just the phone cord is shorter, 610 00:27:45,914 --> 00:27:48,393 and you generally don't get to keep your shoelaces. 611 00:27:48,417 --> 00:27:51,479 - You would kind of think that Maria hit rock bottom. 612 00:27:51,503 --> 00:27:53,356 I think she was worried, she was worried 613 00:27:53,380 --> 00:27:55,984 about not being able to go back on stage, definitely. 614 00:27:56,008 --> 00:27:58,427 - Yes, yes, just terrifying. 615 00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:04,117 Wasn't sure if I could work again, and there's no comfort. 616 00:28:04,141 --> 00:28:08,371 No one really can tell you what's coming. 617 00:28:08,395 --> 00:28:10,832 Yeah, it was just I felt super scared, 618 00:28:10,856 --> 00:28:13,251 and yeah, part of it was my own shame. 619 00:28:13,275 --> 00:28:15,736 (gloomy music) 620 00:28:19,615 --> 00:28:22,802 (gloomy music) 621 00:28:22,826 --> 00:28:25,179 - [Narrator] Maria Bamford's full mental breakdown risked 622 00:28:25,203 --> 00:28:28,600 ending her comedy career, but her story highlights bigger, 623 00:28:28,624 --> 00:28:30,560 higher order questions. 624 00:28:30,584 --> 00:28:32,979 Like, is there some specific connection 625 00:28:33,003 --> 00:28:35,648 between comedy and mental health? 626 00:28:35,672 --> 00:28:36,858 {\an8}- It is not a cliche 627 00:28:36,882 --> 00:28:39,527 {\an8}that comedians have mental health struggles. 628 00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:41,613 {\an8}I don't know a person who doesn't. 629 00:28:41,637 --> 00:28:44,949 {\an8}- Yeah, I have a major depressive disorder. 630 00:28:44,973 --> 00:28:49,621 So% over the years I have tried Klonopin, duloxetine, 631 00:28:49,645 --> 00:28:53,649 mirtazapine, sertraline, Afexa, Celexa, Zyprexa. 632 00:28:54,858 --> 00:28:56,252 (audience laugh) 633 00:28:56,276 --> 00:28:58,004 At one point, my doctor said, 634 00:28:58,028 --> 00:29:00,673 "Let's just try drugs that rhyme." 635 00:29:00,697 --> 00:29:03,700 There were comical suicide attempts. 636 00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:06,846 In retrospect, they were comical 637 00:29:06,870 --> 00:29:08,723 because nobody could have killed 638 00:29:08,747 --> 00:29:11,851 themselves using these methods. 639 00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:14,336 (gloomy music) 640 00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:17,774 And so I can laugh at them now. 641 00:29:17,798 --> 00:29:19,651 {\an8}- There is this association with comedians, 642 00:29:19,675 --> 00:29:23,595 {\an8}that mental illness is something that is common 643 00:29:24,721 --> 00:29:27,158 because they move from the dark and the light, 644 00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,661 and the tragic to the funny. 645 00:29:29,685 --> 00:29:33,623 {\an8}- Think if you're in comedy long enough, 646 00:29:33,647 --> 00:29:36,459 {\an8}you're going to have to sort of contemplate the abyss 647 00:29:36,483 --> 00:29:39,152 when it comes to all the darkness 648 00:29:40,529 --> 00:29:42,298 that a lot of comedians deal with. 649 00:29:42,322 --> 00:29:45,510 - There are causal relationships between people 650 00:29:45,534 --> 00:29:47,929 who are in the performing arts and comedians, 651 00:29:47,953 --> 00:29:51,182 and especially when mood disorders are in play. 652 00:29:51,206 --> 00:29:55,144 There's volumes of research on creativity, 653 00:29:55,168 --> 00:29:58,398 and the need to perform and to express certain feelings. 654 00:29:58,422 --> 00:30:01,859 - I feel like the average person is just as likely 655 00:30:01,883 --> 00:30:04,594 to be mentally ill as a comedian, 656 00:30:05,846 --> 00:30:07,740 but they're just not going to tell you, 657 00:30:07,764 --> 00:30:11,035 they're certainly not gonna be rewarded for telling you. 658 00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,538 {\an8}- I do think comedy attracts a lot of people 659 00:30:13,562 --> 00:30:18,710 {\an8}that don't want to live in the normal world, or can't. 660 00:30:18,734 --> 00:30:21,421 - [Narrator] Maron can attest to this idea personally. 661 00:30:21,445 --> 00:30:24,882 - Well, I was a doorman at the comedy store in 1987, 662 00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:26,718 and I was like, I'd just gotten outta college. 663 00:30:26,742 --> 00:30:27,885 I had committed to comedy, 664 00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:30,638 and I was stuck in that haunted shit hole, 665 00:30:30,662 --> 00:30:33,349 doing blow with Sam Kinison for three days straight. 666 00:30:33,373 --> 00:30:36,978 Hanging out with weirdos and freaks, and I lost my mind. 667 00:30:37,002 --> 00:30:38,771 {\an8}- [Narrator] Maron found some early success, 668 00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:41,149 {\an8}but it was difficult for young comics in the late '80s, 669 00:30:41,173 --> 00:30:44,736 and early '90s standup boom to distinguish themselves. 670 00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:46,654 - Time moved on, I started to realize like, 671 00:30:46,678 --> 00:30:48,281 "Well, if you don't talk about yourself, 672 00:30:48,305 --> 00:30:49,741 "you're not doing anything different." 673 00:30:49,765 --> 00:30:52,618 So I, at some point, decided to shift my focus 674 00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:54,662 from outside of me to inside of me, 675 00:30:54,686 --> 00:30:58,541 and there, that became the sort of the path. 676 00:30:58,565 --> 00:31:00,960 Not too long ago, I woke up and I was in my bed, 677 00:31:00,984 --> 00:31:03,463 I'm like, "All right, well, you got nothing to do today. 678 00:31:03,487 --> 00:31:06,090 "Why not just spend the day thinking you have cancer?" 679 00:31:06,114 --> 00:31:08,343 (audience laughs) 680 00:31:08,367 --> 00:31:10,511 I wasn't a known comic, really. 681 00:31:10,535 --> 00:31:15,308 So I was kind of looking down the barrel at either suicide, 682 00:31:15,332 --> 00:31:18,061 or a life of being kind of 683 00:31:18,085 --> 00:31:23,691 a unknown headliner doing B rooms to make a living, 684 00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:25,693 which I would rather be dead. 685 00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,945 - [Narrator] Maron started working through his anger 686 00:31:27,969 --> 00:31:31,783 in his standup act and on his wildly popular podcast. 687 00:31:31,807 --> 00:31:34,452 When it comes to anxiety, depression, and well, 688 00:31:34,476 --> 00:31:36,788 basically anything, he's an open book. 689 00:31:36,812 --> 00:31:38,081 - So out of that desperation 690 00:31:38,105 --> 00:31:40,416 that the podcast sort of happened, 691 00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:43,169 and that got me back into dialogue with humans. 692 00:31:43,193 --> 00:31:45,838 It got me back into sort of actively trying 693 00:31:45,862 --> 00:31:47,465 to make an amends with people 694 00:31:47,489 --> 00:31:50,218 I had sort of damaged relationships with. 695 00:31:50,242 --> 00:31:52,637 And kind of started forcing me 696 00:31:52,661 --> 00:31:55,973 to sort of take responsibility for myself. 697 00:31:55,997 --> 00:31:58,392 {\an8}- But no, I suffer from depression. 698 00:31:58,416 --> 00:32:01,270 {\an8}It's a great way to start off a set. 699 00:32:01,294 --> 00:32:03,856 {\an8}Sorry to go blue right away, but it's true. 700 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:08,152 {\an8}I am Aparna Nanacherla, I'm a comedian based in New York. 701 00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:13,366 {\an8}There is no way to pick up pills 702 00:32:13,390 --> 00:32:16,577 {\an8}that you've spilled on the ground 703 00:32:16,601 --> 00:32:20,206 {\an8}without looking like a total human red flag. 704 00:32:20,230 --> 00:32:21,290 - [Camera Woman] Now, Maria, 705 00:32:21,314 --> 00:32:23,126 I see this pill on the floor here. 706 00:32:23,150 --> 00:32:27,296 - Oh, that's my Prozac, I was gonna bring it out. 707 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:29,799 I have a pocket full of it. 708 00:32:29,823 --> 00:32:33,553 (man sings in foreign language) 709 00:32:33,577 --> 00:32:38,123 - So I gotta be the sad clown for my friends, my family. 710 00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:41,686 An all brave front. 711 00:32:41,710 --> 00:32:44,355 - I've heard you describe yourself this way. 712 00:32:44,379 --> 00:32:46,149 - [Narrator] This seeming contradiction 713 00:32:46,173 --> 00:32:47,692 between comedy and misery, 714 00:32:47,716 --> 00:32:50,820 depression and the desire to make others laugh, 715 00:32:50,844 --> 00:32:53,698 is captured in a tried and true comedic archetype. 716 00:32:53,722 --> 00:32:56,659 - [Maria] The idea of the sad clown is there, 717 00:32:56,683 --> 00:33:00,830 I think it started eons ago with the court jester 718 00:33:00,854 --> 00:33:02,832 and perform on command. 719 00:33:02,856 --> 00:33:05,835 - I think the sad clown is a trope, 720 00:33:05,859 --> 00:33:08,254 and I do think that can exist. 721 00:33:08,278 --> 00:33:10,798 I feel like I've had my nights where it's like 722 00:33:10,822 --> 00:33:14,552 I put it on for the show, and then afterwards, 723 00:33:14,576 --> 00:33:17,263 I'm not in that head space at all. 724 00:33:17,287 --> 00:33:19,891 - The issue really becomes with this kind of question, 725 00:33:19,915 --> 00:33:22,894 is what kind of person chooses 726 00:33:22,918 --> 00:33:27,315 to live the life of an artist, and is that a mental illness? 727 00:33:27,339 --> 00:33:32,052 - I think artists in general express how they're feeling. 728 00:33:34,095 --> 00:33:37,307 So a CPA, while he's doing your taxes, 729 00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:43,605 is not going to through a series of numbers or deductions, 730 00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:47,501 tell you that he sees no point to life. 731 00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:51,631 I was able to monetize my mental illness. 732 00:33:51,655 --> 00:33:54,133 It's the opposite in most other professions. 733 00:33:54,157 --> 00:33:57,845 - I think that a lot of us in the comedy world, 734 00:33:57,869 --> 00:34:01,849 whether we do stand up, or improv, or sketch, or whatever, 735 00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:04,477 if we have any urge to make strangers laugh, 736 00:34:04,501 --> 00:34:07,712 that's coming from somewhere specific. 737 00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:13,653 - I'm quick to cry and empathize, 738 00:34:13,677 --> 00:34:17,365 and it's painful to live a life like that, 739 00:34:17,389 --> 00:34:19,891 where you're open to feeling. 740 00:34:20,809 --> 00:34:22,662 You don't have any other choice. 741 00:34:22,686 --> 00:34:26,958 You can't love, you can't enjoy anything fully 742 00:34:26,982 --> 00:34:31,462 unless you're able to fully feel the worst of it. 743 00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:35,091 - I was on this morning radio show recently in St. Louis. 744 00:34:35,115 --> 00:34:38,719 The guys goes, "I mean, don't you kind of worry 745 00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:41,722 "that you're gonna be marketed as a sad clown?" 746 00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:45,726 At least I'm being marketed as something. (laughs) 747 00:34:45,750 --> 00:34:48,253 (gloomy music) 748 00:34:50,922 --> 00:34:54,277 - My next guest tonight is a very funny man, Patton Oswalt. 749 00:34:54,301 --> 00:34:56,404 Sadly, six months ago, you lost your wife Michelle. 750 00:34:56,428 --> 00:34:57,446 - Yes. 751 00:34:57,470 --> 00:35:00,157 - For the people who don't know that, 752 00:35:00,181 --> 00:35:02,868 you've been very public about it in, about your grief, 753 00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:05,496 in ways that is, I think, has been very appreciated 754 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:07,415 by people who have experienced grief. 755 00:35:07,439 --> 00:35:08,416 Because there are a lot of times 756 00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:10,293 that people don't talk about it. 757 00:35:10,317 --> 00:35:11,502 - [Narrator] For many comedians, 758 00:35:11,526 --> 00:35:13,045 performing can be a way of working through 759 00:35:13,069 --> 00:35:15,715 not just diagnosable mental issues, 760 00:35:15,739 --> 00:35:18,259 but all the dark feelings that are part and parcel 761 00:35:18,283 --> 00:35:19,802 of being alive. 762 00:35:19,826 --> 00:35:22,305 {\an8}- Initially talking about my grief on stage was terrifying. 763 00:35:22,329 --> 00:35:25,308 {\an8}I felt like these people have come to a comedy show, 764 00:35:25,332 --> 00:35:26,809 they don't want to hear it. 765 00:35:26,833 --> 00:35:30,062 So it was hard for me to justify to myself 766 00:35:30,086 --> 00:35:32,189 why was I doing this, is this being self-indulgent, 767 00:35:32,213 --> 00:35:33,774 is this being selfish? 768 00:35:33,798 --> 00:35:36,819 By the way, if one more person wishes me strength 769 00:35:36,843 --> 00:35:41,699 on my healing journey, I'm gonna throw a balloon 770 00:35:41,723 --> 00:35:45,077 full of piss into every candle store on the planet, 771 00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:48,104 because it is not a healing journey. 772 00:35:51,316 --> 00:35:54,879 Everyone deals with loss in massive and tiny ways 773 00:35:54,903 --> 00:35:56,839 every single moment of their lives. 774 00:35:56,863 --> 00:36:00,843 And if I can maybe find a way to make it funny, 775 00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:03,095 and my first thought was it'll help me. 776 00:36:03,119 --> 00:36:06,349 Calling it a healing journey makes it harder, by the way. 777 00:36:06,373 --> 00:36:08,893 When it's 4:00 a.m, and I'm in the backyard crying 778 00:36:08,917 --> 00:36:12,730 and looking at the sky in my underwear, 779 00:36:12,754 --> 00:36:15,316 I'm like, "I think I'm... ing up my healing journey right now." 780 00:36:15,340 --> 00:36:16,984 (audience laughs) 781 00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:20,029 If they would call it a numb slog, then I could at least go, 782 00:36:20,053 --> 00:36:22,531 "Hey, I'm nailing it, all right. 783 00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:25,034 "Right where where I need to be on my numb slog." 784 00:36:25,058 --> 00:36:27,870 - [Narrator] For Patton, and Maria, and many others, 785 00:36:27,894 --> 00:36:30,289 comedy is almost like a form of self-help. 786 00:36:30,313 --> 00:36:33,751 {\an8}- I just go, I do my bit, it's only me. 787 00:36:33,775 --> 00:36:35,669 {\an8}I don't have to fight anyone else 788 00:36:35,693 --> 00:36:37,546 to hear their point of view. 789 00:36:37,570 --> 00:36:41,342 {\an8}- I think it helps her express how she feels 790 00:36:41,366 --> 00:36:45,745 and verbalize some of the things that she's afraid of. 791 00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:51,685 - Jokes are presenting an imaginary version of the world, 792 00:36:51,709 --> 00:36:54,688 that you can then, when you're back in the real world, 793 00:36:54,712 --> 00:36:57,066 you can apply the absurdity. 794 00:36:57,090 --> 00:37:01,320 And oh, that what used to bring terror now gives me a laugh. 795 00:37:01,344 --> 00:37:03,114 And now I can deal with that terror. 796 00:37:03,138 --> 00:37:04,573 - [Narrator] Verbalizing these feelings, 797 00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:07,284 like that OCD treatment technique of flooding, 798 00:37:07,308 --> 00:37:09,703 can help to rewire the brain. 799 00:37:09,727 --> 00:37:11,705 {\an8}- Well, that's what the goal of talk therapy is. 800 00:37:11,729 --> 00:37:15,709 We create new neural pathways when we problem solve. 801 00:37:15,733 --> 00:37:19,797 - You have those muscles neurologically to do the things, 802 00:37:19,821 --> 00:37:23,867 despite that part of you that is lacking will, 803 00:37:24,742 --> 00:37:29,265 {\an8}self-esteem, motivation, belief, any of that, 804 00:37:29,289 --> 00:37:31,934 {\an8}they become real neural pathways and you do the stuff, 805 00:37:31,958 --> 00:37:34,061 and the other stuff comes and goes. 806 00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:36,230 - It allows for the frontal lobe of the brain 807 00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:39,233 to create stronger neuro pathways. 808 00:37:39,257 --> 00:37:42,278 And it's exciting because functional MRI studies 809 00:37:42,302 --> 00:37:43,779 are showing just that. 810 00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:46,866 - [Narrator] In addition to forging new neuro pathways, 811 00:37:46,890 --> 00:37:49,243 comedy and performance can also offer solace 812 00:37:49,267 --> 00:37:52,329 to people suffering from similar issues. 813 00:37:52,353 --> 00:37:54,081 - I wanted to tell people, 814 00:37:54,105 --> 00:37:56,750 because if anybody had that same experience, 815 00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:59,503 so they wouldn't have to feel by themselves. 816 00:37:59,527 --> 00:38:02,631 And also, I mean, really, the selfish reason is so 817 00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:05,384 that I didn't have to feel alone with it. 818 00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:07,470 - Maria, and people like Maria 819 00:38:07,494 --> 00:38:09,680 who struggle with mental health issues, say, 820 00:38:09,704 --> 00:38:13,017 "No, I'm not gonna shrink back, I'm gonna dive in." 821 00:38:13,041 --> 00:38:16,729 {\an8}- It's a bomb, I think that's a really good word to describe 822 00:38:16,753 --> 00:38:18,272 {\an8}what I feel like when I get on stage. 823 00:38:18,296 --> 00:38:21,859 Because a lot of times, I haven't spoken 824 00:38:21,883 --> 00:38:25,863 if I'm on the road, and I feel lonely and anxious. 825 00:38:25,887 --> 00:38:30,910 I get on stage, and immediately I think, oh, this is right. 826 00:38:30,934 --> 00:38:33,204 Yes, I get to feel like this every day 827 00:38:33,228 --> 00:38:35,122 for an hour to an hour and a half. 828 00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:37,833 - [Narrator] Maria Bamford's comedy bracing absurd, 829 00:38:37,857 --> 00:38:41,128 authentic has been a lifeline for fans and admirers. 830 00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:43,088 But what about Maria herself? 831 00:38:43,112 --> 00:38:46,383 Following a breakdown in 2010, she was genuinely worried 832 00:38:46,407 --> 00:38:48,618 she'd never perform again. 833 00:38:49,702 --> 00:38:52,515 - The recovery, I did not feel good, I did not feel hopeful, 834 00:38:52,539 --> 00:38:54,433 I did not feel connected. 835 00:38:54,457 --> 00:38:56,227 Yet, it was not a good feeling. 836 00:38:56,251 --> 00:38:59,963 So yeah, I mean, I don't recommend it at all. 837 00:39:01,798 --> 00:39:03,275 {\an8}- She was still Maria, 838 00:39:03,299 --> 00:39:05,903 {\an8}but I think she took a little break from comedy, 839 00:39:05,927 --> 00:39:10,324 {\an8}worked on herself, and as we all should do. 840 00:39:10,348 --> 00:39:13,953 {\an8}- I always believe that everybody comes back. 841 00:39:13,977 --> 00:39:20,918 {\an8}It's maybe a certain gullibility on my part, I'm not sure. 842 00:39:20,942 --> 00:39:22,836 Maybe it's an optimism. 843 00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:24,964 I just have this belief that it's like, 844 00:39:24,988 --> 00:39:27,925 this is a temporary thing and you have to get help. 845 00:39:27,949 --> 00:39:31,428 Maria needs to get healthy and needs to get strong again. 846 00:39:31,452 --> 00:39:35,057 And then this will all become part of the act, which it did. 847 00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:40,086 - Oh, my favorite memory of the psych ward, or one of them. 848 00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:43,774 She was a nurse, and there was a courtyard area 849 00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:46,610 and I was running maniacally around it. 850 00:39:46,634 --> 00:39:49,238 Oh, I don't know, 30, 40 times. 851 00:39:49,262 --> 00:39:52,866 And it was raining and I was barefoot, they let me do this. 852 00:39:52,890 --> 00:39:54,827 I came into, I guess, take a rest. 853 00:39:54,851 --> 00:39:59,856 And she said, "You're the Target lady." (laughs) 854 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,861 (gloomy music) 855 00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:10,825 (classical dreamy music) 856 00:40:11,826 --> 00:40:13,470 - [Narrator] During her stint in the psych ward, 857 00:40:13,494 --> 00:40:17,892 Maria received a new diagnosis, bipolar two disorder. 858 00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:22,313 - I really had, looking back, mixed states of depression, 859 00:40:22,337 --> 00:40:26,233 and hypomania, and kind of like I could stay up all night, 860 00:40:26,257 --> 00:40:29,612 and kind of yet had tons of energy. 861 00:40:29,636 --> 00:40:30,904 - [Narrator] With this new insight, 862 00:40:30,928 --> 00:40:32,823 new meds, and a new lease on life, 863 00:40:32,847 --> 00:40:34,867 Maria processed her mental breakdown 864 00:40:34,891 --> 00:40:36,869 in the only way she knew how. 865 00:40:36,893 --> 00:40:38,746 - I did start participating more. 866 00:40:38,770 --> 00:40:43,167 I did feel comfortable enough to go do standup. 867 00:40:43,191 --> 00:40:47,487 And I hope nobody noticed that I felt really weird. 868 00:40:48,488 --> 00:40:50,924 And if they did, no one said anything. 869 00:40:50,948 --> 00:40:53,844 - There's a whole stigma of going into the hospital. 870 00:40:53,868 --> 00:40:56,764 When I heard that Marie Bamford had done it, 871 00:40:56,788 --> 00:40:58,891 and I said, "Well, she's come out. 872 00:40:58,915 --> 00:41:02,936 "She seems much healthier and seems to feel better. 873 00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:06,023 "And also, she's operating at the highest level." 874 00:41:06,047 --> 00:41:08,859 Which is to say, I think she's the best comedian 875 00:41:08,883 --> 00:41:10,402 in the business. 876 00:41:10,426 --> 00:41:12,863 - I don't feel like she had a choice, but to handle that. 877 00:41:12,887 --> 00:41:14,490 I mean, that's what we do. 878 00:41:14,514 --> 00:41:16,575 - [Narrator] Maria's experience in the psych ward 879 00:41:16,599 --> 00:41:20,704 also led to arguably her biggest, most visible gig yet, 880 00:41:20,728 --> 00:41:22,122 her very own sitcom. 881 00:41:22,146 --> 00:41:23,791 - I have my own show. 882 00:41:23,815 --> 00:41:25,501 (explosion) 883 00:41:25,525 --> 00:41:27,985 "Lady Dynamite", at that point, 884 00:41:30,113 --> 00:41:31,799 yeah, I'd already been hospitalized, 885 00:41:31,823 --> 00:41:36,828 I was on the current medication that I am now, feeling good. 886 00:41:37,537 --> 00:41:38,806 That was the whole pitch, 887 00:41:38,830 --> 00:41:40,808 that it was about this period of time. 888 00:41:40,832 --> 00:41:42,935 - [Narrator] Like her standup, her earlier web series, 889 00:41:42,959 --> 00:41:45,562 {\an8}and pretty much everything she's ever done, 890 00:41:45,586 --> 00:41:48,857 "Lady Dynamite" saw Maria drawing from her own life. 891 00:41:48,881 --> 00:41:50,693 - Yeah, that helmet, that's a good shaped head, 892 00:41:50,717 --> 00:41:52,111 if you know what I mean. 893 00:41:52,135 --> 00:41:54,071 - [Narrator] Spinning her most harrowing experiences 894 00:41:54,095 --> 00:41:55,614 into comic gold. 895 00:41:55,638 --> 00:41:58,492 - I think 99% of her comedy is something 896 00:41:58,516 --> 00:42:00,035 that she truly lived through. 897 00:42:00,059 --> 00:42:02,413 - Mental illness, people aren't crazy about it, 898 00:42:02,437 --> 00:42:05,541 but for me, it's been kind of a cash cow. 899 00:42:05,565 --> 00:42:08,877 {\an8}- We could be informative as well as entertaining right now. 900 00:42:08,901 --> 00:42:09,796 {\an8}- [Maria] Oh. 901 00:42:09,820 --> 00:42:11,338 {\an8}- Who wants information? 902 00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:14,133 {\an8}(all laugh) (audience cheers and applauds) 903 00:42:14,157 --> 00:42:15,676 {\an8}you guys want information? 904 00:42:15,700 --> 00:42:18,429 {\an8}- 'Cause I get so anxious, I was talking with Maria earlier, 905 00:42:18,453 --> 00:42:20,055 {\an8}we just can't wait till it's bedtime. 906 00:42:20,079 --> 00:42:23,767 {\an8}- There's snacks at home, and you fall into a heap. 907 00:42:23,791 --> 00:42:25,144 {\an8}- Yeah. 908 00:42:25,168 --> 00:42:26,311 {\an8}- Anybody enjoy that, I like it when things are done. 909 00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:28,522 It's a way to feel useful, to feel like, 910 00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:33,551 okay, I've been in a terrible place and it did get better. 911 00:42:33,885 --> 00:42:35,320 - I will get a lot of emails. 912 00:42:35,344 --> 00:42:39,408 It's always like people who are kind of telling her, 913 00:42:39,432 --> 00:42:40,659 "This is my struggle." 914 00:42:40,683 --> 00:42:42,453 - Maria Bamford, bang those hands together. 915 00:42:42,477 --> 00:42:43,829 - [Narrator] Maybe that's the key. 916 00:42:43,853 --> 00:42:45,748 Comedy isn't just a hideout for people struggling 917 00:42:45,772 --> 00:42:47,624 with mental illness. 918 00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:49,168 It can serve as a community 919 00:42:49,192 --> 00:42:51,503 that can help manage these issues. 920 00:42:51,527 --> 00:42:54,256 After all, comedy's not all gloom, and depression, 921 00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:57,259 and addiction, and death and darkness, right. 922 00:42:57,283 --> 00:42:58,927 - Boo ya! 923 00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:00,763 - You can mock it, you can manage it. 924 00:43:00,787 --> 00:43:04,433 So the fact that she was almost mocking 925 00:43:04,457 --> 00:43:07,144 some of the extremities of what she was going through 926 00:43:07,168 --> 00:43:11,023 and still getting laughs makes someone feel very hopeful, 927 00:43:11,047 --> 00:43:12,316 and very optimistic. 928 00:43:12,340 --> 00:43:14,526 - And after shows, many times people go, 929 00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:17,845 "I have bipolar too, or I have mental." 930 00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:24,203 And she graciously listens to them, and so kind to them. 931 00:43:24,227 --> 00:43:25,788 - [Narrator] That's what Maria 932 00:43:25,812 --> 00:43:27,831 and all the best comedians do. 933 00:43:27,855 --> 00:43:30,793 They illuminate the darkness, seeking out the absurd, 934 00:43:30,817 --> 00:43:33,962 the surreal and the funny in even the bleakest 935 00:43:33,986 --> 00:43:36,173 and shadowiest corners of life. 936 00:43:36,197 --> 00:43:40,385 ♪ It can't get you if you're singing a song yeah ♪ 937 00:43:40,409 --> 00:43:41,179 Thanks very much. 938 00:43:41,203 --> 00:43:44,389 {\an8}(audience applauds) 939 00:43:44,413 --> 00:43:45,933 {\an8}- [Interviewer] How are you now, Maria? 940 00:43:45,957 --> 00:43:48,876 {\an8}- I think I'm okay, do I look okay? 941 00:43:50,878 --> 00:43:53,690 {\an8}I think I'm okay, but I do trust the crowd, 942 00:43:53,714 --> 00:43:56,360 {\an8}the village, will let me know. 943 00:43:56,384 --> 00:43:59,696 {\an8}Please let me know if I seem off. 944 00:43:59,720 --> 00:44:02,390 {\an8}(cheerful music)