♪ light guitar music playing ♪
Come.
LINDSAY: I came to New York to be a writer.
And sure, some distractions got in the way.
But I stand before you today recommitted to my craft.
If given this incredible opportunity,
I am confident that I will be the discreet, tidy, easygoing,
you'll-never-even-know-I'm-there roommate
that you've been looking for.
What do you think, Dave?
Sure. Yeah.
Room is yours. LINDSAY: Really?
Oh, my God. Great.
Because I've been staying at the YMCA,
and I'm not sure what the song is talking about
because "fun" is definitely not the first word that comes to mind.
Well, I was just telling Dave that, uh, we need some more female energy here.
Yeah, I-I'm curious. How, how did you two meet?
I was just coming back from a year abroad, and, uh,
bumped into Marta right outside the building.
Almost like she was waiting for me. [Marta laughs]
Almost.
We started talking and turns out we had so much in common.
Like, her favorite books are literally the same ones I have on my shelf.
[laughs] That is so crazy.
It's not that crazy.
Do you have a boyfriend or?
Um, no. No, I'm--
Mm-mm, no. DAVE: Well, I should warn you,
the room we have available is very small.
I mean, it's definitely not a closet, but--
I'm sure it's perfect.
I'm telling ya, it's all smiles out there at the Christmas party,
- but we are at Defcon Fucked. - Damn.
They're saying hundreds of clients' personal info leaked.
No one's seen a data breach like this before.
I.T. is shitting itself.
But it's nothing compared to what's coming.
Y2K?
We're talking four horsemen of the apocalypse shit.
Hey, you're welcome to join us at my parents' place out East.
That's very generous of you, but I think I'm good. Thanks.
Oh, just gonna
cuddle in with Random Lindsay for the holidays, huh?
- Huh? - Yeah... something like that.
Sorry, Chris. No room at the pad for you, I'm afraid.
Associates and above only.
Totally get it, fellas. I, I appreciate you even thinking of me.
KEVIN: We didn't.
[laughs] Well, Merry Christmas, gents.
♪ melancholy music playing ♪
♪ I don't care... that you're not here to see the lights ♪
♪ That we're not making matching footprints in the snow ♪
♪ I don't need you here ♪
♪ To warm my winter nights ♪
♪ I don't buy into the myth of mistletoe ♪
♪ It's important to remember ♪
♪ That December's just December ♪
♪ Then it's over and by New Year's, I'll be fine ♪
♪ But as flurries swirl midair, I stop and say a silent prayer ♪
♪ I hope your Christmas sucks as much as mine ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ If you'd have helped me choose a tree ♪
♪ Would you let me make you skate in Central Park ♪
♪ Either way ♪
♪ What's meant to be is meant to be ♪
♪ And the twinkle lights still come on after dark ♪
♪ So it's really not so tragic ♪
♪ You're not here to share the magic ♪
♪ Though it is a little lonely, I admit ♪
♪ Still, the silver bells are ringing ♪
♪ And the carolers are singing ♪
♪ And I really hope you also feel like shit ♪
♪ I don't mind ♪ BOTH: ♪ That I won't buy that perfect gift ♪
♪ Based on something I remembered you once said ♪
♪ Come to think ♪
♪ It gives my soul a little lift ♪
♪ That I won't have to return it ♪
♪ ‘Cause I never plan ahead ♪
♪ And as Santa Cons are drinking ♪
♪ I still wonder what you're thinking ♪
♪ Are you wishing things were like they were before ♪
♪ This Christmas kinda sucks ♪
♪ Because of you, this Christmas sucks ♪
[sighs]
BOTH: ♪ So, I really hope that yours sucks ♪
♪ More ♪
[TV playing]
Ooh, and another thing...
I'm gonna say it. It's better without him.
It's so nice to be alone. Without her.
- Definitely quieter. - And less crazy.
Don't forget, he kissed his ex-girlfriend... with his tongue.
Who leaves their fiancée six days before a wedding? Psycho.
You'll find someone else.
You have to.
Think of your eggs.
I'm here. That's all you need.
- You're so fucking weird with him. - It's Christmas!
Do you even care that I finished my book?
- Yes! - Uh, yeah, of course. Book. Good job.
The Unlikely Adventure of Squid the Squirrel.
Y-You told me to send it to you when I was finished, so.
I had a feeling about you.
You, you liked it?
I did have an illustrator I wanted to recommend, if you're open.
His name is Mr. McGooch.
Stop.
- Really?! - The journey of your character:
is she a squid or a squirrel?
And then, in the end, of course, you reveal... she's neither.
She's... she's complicated, like the best characters are.
Yes! See, I, I knew you would get it.
But... is she also, maybe, a little... gross?
Tentacles all over her body.
She's a monster?
Oh, well, y-y-- Uh, yes, uh, but-- and no.
She-- The-- See, she feels like a monster because she's different, you know?
But, but I, I think she could be adorable.
I don't mean to be immodest, but even with my talent,
I have no idea how to make the grotesque mutant
you have written, in any way, adorable.
You just said the best characters were the complicated ones.
Well, there's complicated and there's hideous.
Hideous doesn't sell books.
Look at The Giving Tree.
Despicable person.
Very handsome young man.
These are the realities.
Now... what if we forget about the whole squid business
and we give our squirrel some freckles
and a ponytail
some cute bangs.
And, um, w-what, what happens if I don't wanna change it?
Your prerogative entirely.
You'll just have to find another illustrator.
Think about it.
- [Lindsay burps] - Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Tell me when you have a decision.
DICK: Jimenez.
Oh, Mr. Waltham.
We need to talk.
- Is everything okay? - Sit down.
We have identified the source of the data breach.
It's Kevin.
Kevin leaked clients' personal information?
Not exactly.
The hackers installed malware in the bank's system
via the deluge of pornographic films Kevin downloaded off of the internet.
Oh.
That's, um-- I can't even--
Kevin is denying everything.
And if... I'm being honest, I'm inclined to believe him.
There's no way that kid is bright enough to take down a network firewall.
So...
is there something you'd like to tell me?
♪ dissonant music plays ♪
[fire alarm sounds]
Oh shit. What the hell is this?
What did you tell him?
I didn't say anything. The fire alarm went off.
That was me! I was buying us time.
He left for the day for the cattle feed IPO road show.
Well, now he just wants to meet with me first thing tomorrow morning.
He's gonna know it was me, Kevin. He probably already does.
I mean, it's true. You were the one who took down the firewall.
Because you and Chad asked me to!
What, what, what I'm saying is, no one's hands are clean here.
Look... Chad is Dick's son. He's protected no matter what.
Which leaves you and me.
I can't go down for this. I have a family.
You do?
Yeah, man. Melissa and the twins?
You never even mention them.
Well, why would I?
The point is, we could both lose everything here.
We need a united front.
Yeah, okay.
Aside from the three of us,
who's the only other witness?
Chris.
He's not one of us. You know that.
He biffed the Pringles deal.
His own lead.
He has no future at the bank as it is.
Either he loses the job now or six months from now.
It doesn't matter.
It matters to him.
I thought you had what it takes for this job.
- I do. - Then that settles it.
♪
Whoa, it's... it's big.
Yeah... it's technically a junior one-bedroom,
but pretty good size.
And you're back in the, uh--
Junior one closet?
[sighs] Um,
- I finished my book. - Wow.
I'd love to read it.
When you're ready to let me.
You really don't have to.
I would like to.
I think I may have even found a publisher.
I mean, they... have notes, you know, but, uh, a-all publishers do.
- What are the notes? - Well, they think my
main character is sort of... ugly?
But it's, it's not a big deal. And it's a really great opportunity.
Hm... how'd you land that?
Through Ted.
McGooch.
It would be under his imprint. [Miguel chuckles]
What a guy.
Right... okay.
So, you said you had something for me.
My dad found these in my room.
My slippers?
That's why you called me? Is to give me back my slippers?
Actually, I wanted to get your advice on something,
but I'm not sure I really trust your judgment.
Wow.
And here I thought you were calling to maybe, I don't know, apologize.
And what would I be apologizing for?
How about the fact that you fucking cheated on me, Miguel?!
I explained this to you! [Yogurt barking]
- Fiona came to me-- - Yeah. No, right, sorry.
- She kissed you. - Oh, too bad you were stuck in Vermont
returning your wedding dress to your fiancée.
Because remember, you were engaged,
which you somehow forgot to mention to me in the five months we were dating.
Yeah, I guess it's kind of like how you forgot to mention to me
that you were almost engaged to the woman that you cheated on me with!
That's a pretty big difference! [barking, growling]
- Jesus, Yogurt. No! Stop! - Hey, Yogurt!
Ow, fuck!
Hey, shh. [barking]
- It's okay... It's okay. You're okay. - Jesus Christ. No, it's fine. I'm fine.
- I just-- - You're okay, you're okay.
You're telling him it's okay?
He's scared. He doesn't like people yelling.
It freaks him out.
He just fucking bit me, Miguel!
- With his teeth. - Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
You know, I don't know what it is with you and your fucking psycho dog.
There's nothing with me and my psycho dog. He's old.
Okay, well, you two deserve each other.
Oh, and by the way, congrats on the apartment.
I hear it has great amenities!
[door opens]
[door closes] [Yogurt groans]
♪ solemn music playing ♪
ORSON: What are you doing? RENEE: Put that down.
ROSIE: Do not read that.
Hey, listen to me.
Your career is on the line here, okay?
Your future is on the line.
We got a young man's life to destroy!
In a good way. Of course. [laughs]
Are you ignoring me?
Hey!
Hey, asshole. [laughs] Listen to me.
I'm your best friend.
[emotional] I'm your best friend, man.
DICK: What the hell is going on?
I've been waiting 20 minutes. We said 8:30.
I did it.
All of it.
Let me guess, your dad found more slippers.
I don't know what kind of changes the publishers are telling you to make,
and it's... it's none of my business,
but don't,
don't change anything.
Everyone tells Squid she's different.
Everyone tells her she doesn't belong.
All those voices... the way they stay with her,
floating in her head, following her,
saying "no" to her in a million different ways,
until she... finally
says "no" back.
Whoever told you Squid was ugly,
they don't see what I do.
♪ emotional music playing ♪
[door closes]
Hi.
Thank you so much for coming.
I was in the area.
My latex wholesaler is just around the block.
For my New Year's suit.
Right.
Um...
so I've made my decision.
And I realize this could be a life-changing opportunity.
Absolutely.
But... the thing is,
my life has already changed so much,
which is exactly what I wanted.
I wanted to change everything about myself.
And I've listened to so many different people
telling me who I should be.
Kinda like... Squid.
Yeah, I listened to roommates, and essayists, and writing teachers,
and marionette puppeteers slash drug dealers, and... you.
And I finally realized
I don't wanna be somebody else... anymore.
And I don't want... Squid to be anybody else either.
[sighs] Maybe she is ugly.
Maybe nobody'll like her.
But she is who she is.
I can't change that.
Okay.
So, uh... what's the plan?
Pound the pavement? Cold call publishers?
I guess I'm... betting on me.
How very New York of you.
Happy New Year. [door closes]
[knocks on door] JORGE: Hey.
What are you doin'? Everybody's askin' where you are.
I was tryin' to figure out how much of my furniture I could fit in here.
I may have to move back in, temporarily.
I, um...
I got fired.
Oh, Mig.
What happened?
Uh, it's... it's complicated.
Um... but
it's fine.
I'm fine.
Which is funny.
I've spent my whole life scared of losing things.
And now, I've lost... pretty much everything.
My job, Lindsay and--
I-I still don't understand what happened... with Lindsay.
Everything seemed great and then--
It turned out, we didn't know each other as well as we thought we did.
There were things she didn't tell me.
Things I didn't tell her.
Have you talked at all?
She came over the other night to get her slippers,
and... Yogurt bit her.
I ended up--
I wasn't defending Yogurt, but--
Oh boy.
♪ muffled party music playing ♪
There was this day... a few weeks after Mom died.
I came home from school,
and... you were standing outside our old house, you remember?
We had that red door.
And you had this big smile on your face.
I remember you said there was something incredible... inside,
something that I was gonna love.
And for a second, I thought maybe,
maybe it's her
behind the door.
Waiting.
Maybe my mom didn't die.
And I opened the door, and... there was this little puppy
in a cardboard box.
And you said,
“Diego already decided his name is Yogurt.”
I guess he's not just a dog to me.
Did ya tell Lindsay that?
[chuckles] I'm glad I didn't
'cause now she's gone.
You have to... let people in.
[scoffs]
Okay. And then, what if--
What if... they leave?
They do.
What if they don't understand?
They don't.
What if they
get sick?
They might.
But you can't spend your whole life locked up in your head.
You have to trust someone.
I'll see you out there?
[indistinct chatter]
[door closes]
[Lindsay sighs]
♪ light music playing ♪
♪
[chuckling]
[indistinct chatter]
Do you really think she's gonna be waiting for you?
This is tragic. He's not going to be there, Linds.
Bro, you should be at your dad's party grindin' on that chick Isabela.
Don't care if she's your third cousin.
Even for the end of the world,
you're much too puffy to be seeing anyone else.
BOTH: ♪ In all this crazy world ♪
♪ There's one thing I am certain of ♪
♪ For every hour and month and year that we are here to love ♪
♪ Regardless of how much ♪
♪ We talk, we tell, we touch ♪
♪ No matter what we suffer through ♪
♪ I can never know you ♪
♪ Can I ever know you ♪
♪ We drive each other crazy ♪
BOTH: ♪ We defend and we attack ♪
♪ But something stronger always seems to keep us coming back ♪
♪ When you reveal to me a side I couldn't see ♪
♪ I fall in love with someone new ♪
♪ But can I ever know you ♪ JOAN/TOM: ♪ I can never ♪
♪ Know you ♪ GROUP: ♪ I can never know you ♪
LINDSAY/MIGUEL: ♪ Can I ever know you ♪
GROUP: ♪ I can never know you ♪ OTHERS: ♪ Can I ever know ♪
BOTH: ♪ I want to keep on learning more and more and more and more ♪
♪ A lifetime's not enough, but that is what a lifetime's for ♪
♪ For your infinity feels like it's meant for me ♪
♪ A streaming symphony I'll always listen to ♪
♪ ‘Cause I can never know you ♪
ORSON/CELESTE: ♪ Can I ever know you ♪
GROUP: ♪ I can never know you ♪
LINDSAY/MIGUEL: ♪ Can I ever know you ♪
♪ Please like me, I need you to like me ♪
RENEE/LISA/CARRIE: ♪ You don't belong in Manhattan ♪
- ♪ You don't belong in Queens ♪ - ♪ Gee, it's nice to really ♪
- ♪ Know someone ♪ - ♪ It's a sign, it's a sign ♪
♪ You're a tiger ♪
- ♪ Could it be you, could it be you ♪ - ♪ Let me hear you roar ♪
- ♪ Who's my smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart ♪ - ♪ It's a sign ♪
- ♪ You have been called ♪ - ♪ It's a sign ♪
TED: ♪ You've not thought this through ♪
♪ In so many ways ♪ JOAN: ♪ The truth is that ♪
JOAN/TOM: ♪ I can never know you ♪
LINDSAY/MIGUEL: ♪ I feel like I've always known you ♪
CELESTE/ORSON: ♪ I can never know you ♪
♪ I feel like I've always known you ♪
♪ I can never know you ♪
♪ I feel like I've always ♪
BOTH: ♪ Can I ever know you ♪
So quiet.
I was just thinking that.
I have a lot of things to tell you.
So much.
Me too... Oh, but y-you go first.
Well,
maybe not, like, this exact... second.
I love you.
Have we said that yet?
I was just thinking that.
- [people cheering] - I feel like we did.
I'm-I'm pretty sure I said it.
You, you definitely sort of said it. [people counting down]
[fireworks] CROWD: Happy New Year!
[cheering]
I guess it's a new millennium.
The world didn't end.
Not yet at least.
♪
- [Lindsay burps] - Ooh.
Oh, my God. [laughs] I'm so sorry.
- [laughs] Are you okay? - [laughs] Yes, I've just been,
I've been having such terrible heartburn the last few weeks.
And, like, also feeling really nauseous,
but also, starving to death?
What have I always said?
Condoms have an efficacy rate of 98% until you account for human error.
Oh, my God.
- ROSIE: No, no, no! You're still a baby! - Oh, my God.
RENEE: You're gonna be the worst dad. [voices overlapping]
[indistinct chatter]
[group screaming]
♪
[fanfare]