♪ light music playing ♪
- First video game you ever masturbated to. On three.
- No. - Yes, dude.
One, two... - No, Steph, I'm not doin' this.
- ...three.
Tetris or Donkey Kong, Jr.
It happened on the same day,
don't remember which was first,
and... I don't care that you didn't answer.
MIGUEL: Great. [knocks on door]
- Hey, uh, the programmers are asking when you'll have the new concept drawings ready
for Cyprian's apprentice.
- Um, Tuesday, probably.
Um, I forgot to tell you,
I-- it's my brother's band recital tonight.
And we're doin' this whole family dinner thing after,
so I figure I'll just stay at my dad's.
- So, I'm alone tonight?
- I'll make it up to you.
- I'll miss you. MIGUEL: I'll miss you, too.
[sighs]
- Do we definitely like her?
- Yes... Yes, we do.
♪
Fiona?
[moaning]
- What the fuck are you doing here?!
ORSON: [sighs] Bro,
I know this hurts right now,
but in the long run,
it's only gonna make you stronger.
I thought his brother had a band thing.
No? [chuckles]
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
♪ upbeat, intense music playing ♪
♪ You're not the boy who didn't belong in the schoolyard world ♪
♪ You don't get pushed around anymore and you never wiiill ♪
♪ No more Mr. Nice Guy ♪
♪ Gotta be tough in this cruel, hard world ♪
♪ And you're not gonna cry the next time you watch Notting Hill ♪
♪ It's time to wake up, boy, put your armor on ♪
♪ That pathetic little pussy with the ring is gooone ♪
♪ You're a tiger, let me hear you roooar ♪
♪ You're a shark, hunting in the shallows by the shooore ♪
♪ Let me see your claws, let me see your teeth ♪
♪ Let your fin emerge from the depths beneath ♪
♪ Let me see you stalk your prey in the daaark ♪
♪ Like a tiger, or a shark ♪
♪ Or a tiger shaaark ♪
- ♪ I'm not the bullied brown boy in his all-white school ♪
♪ I'm not the kid who felt too white when he moved to Queens ♪
- ♪ Goodbye, Mr. Piano Tie, 'cause ya thought Billy Joel was cool ♪
♪ You're a man who will become ♪
♪ A man of meeeans ♪
♪ You're an alpha dog, you're the fighting champ ♪
♪ Not the kid who kept cryin' at computer caaamp ♪
♪ For someone soft and sensitive, this world is less than fair ♪
♪ You gotta pay to play, ya gotta make your way ♪
♪ Like Jane fuckin' Eyre ♪
[Game Boy beeping]
- Please. - Oh, my God. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
♪
- Think the dad's still in the picture?
[elevator dings]
♪
- ♪ I'm a tiger ♪ - ♪ Tiger ♪
♪ Let me hear you roar ♪ - ♪ Hear me roar ♪
- ♪ You're a shark ♪ - ♪ Oh yeah ♪
BOTH: ♪ More ancient than a dinosaur ♪
- ♪ Flash your cool ID ♪ - ♪ In my corporate suit ♪
- ♪ And use your electromagnetic snoot ♪
BOTH: ♪ To make a ton of dough ♪
- ♪ Then, bro, just waaait ♪
BOTH: ♪ A female tiger shaaark ♪
♪ Might wanna mate ♪
- With you... Just to clarify.
[breathing heavily]
- Oh, oh. [muttering] No, no, no.
- Okay, come on, come on. - Come on, come on, you can do--
[indistinct mumbling]
- Morning, gentlemen. - Join us, join us.
Here we go.
- Okay, you can do it.
- Come on. Come on, here we go. - Keep walkin', keep walkin'.
That's it, dumb-dumb! [both cheering, laughing]
- Houston, we have a moron.
- New conference room. It's causing mass injuries.
I could do this all day.
- Well, I hate to interrupt, but I have a pretty big update
on that project we've been discussing.
- You didn't fuckin' do it, did you? - I knew he couldn't fuckin' do it.
- Well... as a matter of fact--
Bypass that.
♪ rock music plays ♪
- Jimmy fucking did it! - Ah yeah!
Jimmy likes it like that.
Ay caramba.
- What are you doing? - Dude, what are you doing to him?
- What?
[seriously] Nothing. Stop.
[phones ringing] - How did you figure this out?
- He used a point-to-point tunneling protocol,
which is a very complicated and very difficult thing to do
because he's a genius.
Tell 'em your SAT score.
1570 and it should've been a 1600,
but they had those two ridiculous analogies.
- I just messed around for a while.
- We are taking you out to celebrate. - Yes.
- What are we celebrating, fellas? - Jimmy took down the porn firewall.
Today is like our very own Independence Day.
- Heck yeah!
- You're not invited, Chris! - Sounds good!
[Chris chuckles]
- Oh! I see nipple. [chuckles] - Ooh!
KEVIN: You think you're gonna have a job on January 1st?
[scoffs] There's not even gonna be banks after Y2K.
There's not even gonna be money. - We're talkin' total so-- [burps]
sosial breakdown, man.
KEVIN: Almost nothing will survive.
- Tell them about the patch. Wait until they hear this.
- You know, there's actually a pretty simple way to patch
the code in most legacy systems...
- They're gonna lose their minds. Look at 'em.
- ...and that way, you basically avoid the Y2K problem altogether.
- ♪ Who's my smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart ♪
♪ Loving, kind, and thoughtful baby ♪
♪ Who's my smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart ♪
- Yeah, I don't think so, um. - Mm-mm, no.
- I looked into it... There's no solve. We're fucked.
- Yeah, no, that's probably right, yeah.
- Why'd you wanna get into banking?
- I wanna make enough money to buy a BMW M-Series
and a penthouse in the Corinthian.
- Ah, now we're talking. - Ah... yeah.
P-house at the Corinth.
KEVIN: You know, you're never gonna make that kind of money as an analyst.
- No, once you're made associate, though. - Yeah, but promotions aren't until
year three. At least. - Right, so...
what if I wanna get there faster?
- All right, you wanna make associate tomorrow?
Bring in your own business. CHAD: Mm.
- Prove you can be an earner.
You don't kill... you don't eat.
- Yeah, okay, so, how do I find my own business?
- From my experience, you either ask your friends' dads or your dad's friends.
KEVIN: All right, but, God, please, no more talk about work.
Boys...
who's it gonna be? CHAD: Mm.
- Your bang buddy.
- Oh.
Always a tough decision, right?
How do you guys decide?
- Tightest shirt. - Tightest pants.
♪ light music playing ♪
[inhales, exhales]
- Nice pants.
- Thanks. They're new.
- Oh, no, he, he died a few weeks later from the infect--
[laughing]
- I'm sorry.
I, I don't know why I'm-- It's-- - I don't either.
- It is not funny. It is horrible. - It's, um-- No, it's really not.
[both laughing] It's terrible.
RENEE: You think you're smooth right now, whippin' out the toe story?
No one likes the toe story.
- Okay, n-- Stop it. Hey, listen to me.
Not the girl who made fun of you so badly,
you spent high school eating lunch huddled on a toilet seat.
Okay? I'm the guy that fucked your girlfriend. I know.
RENEE: She doesn't like you. She just thinks you're rich.
- There's nothing wrong with you.
You're my special little man, and don't you forget it.
- You shouldn't be here. Security! We have an intruder!
- And let me tell ya, oh, we did it in every conceivable position.
ALL: ♪ You don't belong in Manhattan ♪
♪ You don't belong in Queens ♪
♪ You don't belong in a three-piece suit ♪
♪ Or in your cheap-ass jeans ♪
♪ You're always pretendin', always tryna blend in ♪
♪ Anywhere you go is wrong ♪
♪ 'Cause you don't belong, you don't belong ♪
♪ You don't belong, you don't belon-guh ♪
LINDSAY: Where'd you go?
- Oh, no, I was just
nowhere.
- You don't have to listen to them... you know?
- Listen to who?
- All the... noise in your head.
I've started to realize, recently, it's not always the truth.
Never mind, sorry. Don't listen to me. I, I don't know what I'm saying.
I'm just-- Just ignore me.
ALL: ♪ You don't belong in Manhattan ♪
- ♪ Who's my smart ♪ - I'm really drunk.
- ♪ You're a tiger ♪ LINDSAY: I'm so sorry.
- Sure, yeah.
[all singing simultaneously]
- Actually...
I'm not... drunk... at all.
And, and I am trying to apologize less
and say what I want more.
And
right now, what I really want is to kiss you.
So... would that be okay?
- Yes.
That would be--
Yeah.
♪ light music playing ♪
♪
[inaudible]
[heart beating]
LINDSAY: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry, um.
[crying] Shit.
I have to go.
I'm sorry.
[elevator dings]
- Hey.
You're home late.
- Did the real bankers finally let you go out with them?
[TV playing]
- I am a real banker, actually.
[laughs]
- Show your brother some respect.
[burps] Hey.
[Diego chuckling]
[dog panting]
[sighs]
[dog whimpers]
- Come on. Yogurt.
- ♪ You're a tiger shaaark ♪
I'm not angry.
I'm just really fuckin' disappointed.
[Orson sighs]
[phones ringing]
- I'm just so proud of you, sweetheart.
You are doing the right thing.
A nice girl always says she's sorry,
whether it's her fault or not. - Well, I-I didn't come here
to say I'm sorry. I didn't do anything wrong.
- Aside from mangling his man parts until he quite literally wept.
- I'm just here to make sure he's okay.
That's it.
[exhales]
- Random Lindsay?
- Uh, I was looking for... Jimmy.
- Uh-huh... You two bang or what?
Jimmy, Jimmy. MIGUEL: Yeah.
- Hey, buddy, you have a visitor.
- You know, for some reason, she thought my office was your office.
Gonna have to give me the scoop on that one later, bruh.
- What's up?
- "What's up?"
So, you, uh, you told your friends what happened?
- No. No, they saw us leave together. - Hm, so this, this is your... office?
Why did I think you worked down the hall?
- Well, I think you'd have to admit,
I never explicitly said that that office was mine.
- Oh, would I? Would I have to admit that?
- He's an analyst. A baby banker.
Sorry, I've been listening in. I'll, I'll go now.
- Hey, maybe, maybe we should... LINDSAY: Sor-- Hang on.
- ...talk somewhere else? - Why does this say "Miguel"?
- That's my name. - Oh.
Nice. Are there any other lies I should know about or?
- All right, look, I don't know what you thought last night was,
but I'm not really in a place for a relationship.
- A relationship? You, you think I want a relationship?
- Well,
I mean... you brought cupcakes.
- [laughs] Yeah, 'cause I was concerned.
You ran out of the office last night with your pants off, sobbing.
- Okay-- KEVIN: Wait, what did you just say?
Uh, sorry, I really am gonna leave now.
- All right, let's definitely talk somewhere else.
The kitchen is right-- - Wanna know the worst part about it?
I, actually, had an orgasm.
Yeah, my first orgasm that I've ever had with anyone else.
And I have been so screwed up in my head wondering,
"Oh, did I have it even though he was crying,
or did I have it... because he was crying?"
- Which one was it? - I don't know!
All I know is that I am sick and tired of everyone telling me
what I'm supposed to do and who I'm supposed to be
because I know exactly who I am.
I'm a New Yorker and I don't give an "s" about "s"!
[people gasping] PERSON: Oh my...
- Can you make him leave?
- It's my cubicle.
- I'm only here to make sure no one is dead
or needs to be rushed to a hospital.
- You look A-okay to me, random Lindso.
EMT: But you should be monitored every hour
for the next 12 hours for a concussion.
Do you have family you can call to come get you?
- They live in Vermont. EMT: A friend?
- Can you tell me what day it is? - Oh, my God.
- Can you? - Still Friday.
Just like it was when you asked me five minutes ago.
- Current president?
- Still Clinton.
- And... how do you feel about me?
- Still unfavorably. [Miguel chuckles]
- Yeah, you seem fine.
- Okay... Thank you so much. This is good. I'm good. Goodbye.
- This is your building?
- It is not.
- You don't want me to know which building's yours?
- That's correct, yes.
- All right, well, why don't I get your number
and that way I can give you a call in an hour
and make sure you're okay.
- You don't have to do that.
I have a roommate. - Well, I'd like to call anyway.
I feel bad.
- For being an asshole?
- For... being not entirely forthright about certain things
which I should have been... forthright about.
- So, for being an asshole?
- Sure.
[sighs]
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
- Still conscious?
- Apparently.
- That's good... I'll talk to you in an hour.
- You know, you don't have to do this to try to prove you're a good guy.
- I think you already know I'm a good guy.
[phone ringing]
- Since you refuse to stop calling me,
can I ask you something? - Okay.
LINDSAY: Why do your friends call you Jimmy?
- Um...
my last name is Jimenez,
but the guys at work all think it's pronounced Gym-en-ez,
and it all just started from there.
- And that doesn't bother you?
- No. It's just a nickname.
- Okay.
- Okay? I'll, um... I'll talk to you in an hour.
[phone ringing]
Hey, uh, I never really found out what kind of novels you write.
- Well, [sighs]
technically, I... haven't written a novel yet,
but I have a lot of ideas for one.
- So,
not a big deal,
but when you accused me of lying about my job,
being a novelist versus being someone with ideas for a novel,
that's a pretty-- - A pretty arbitrary distinction
when you think about it, yes.
[phone ringing]
- I used to work in video games.
For a tiny independent studio. - Why'd you stop?
- I grew up.
- My whole life, I've always been... the sweet girl... the nice girl.
- The person who yelled at me today didn't seem particularly nice.
- Thank you for saying that.
- I'm savin' up to buy my own place.
- Favorite song?
MIGUEL: "Brown Eyed Girl."
Uh, [laughs]
Okay, that was truly embarrassing.
I didn't really love high school, to be honest.
JORGE [on extension]: Hey, you on the phone?
- Yes, please hang up.
JORGE: I'm goin' to bed.
- Okay.
Thank you, good night.
JORGE: Love you, Mig.
[Jorge hangs up]
- Was that your dad?
- Did you always wanna be a writer?
- I did for a while.
But... then I just kinda gave it up.
- How come?
- I think I always knew I had something to say,
but I was
just afraid no one wanted to hear it.
- That's sad.
Biggest fear?
- I guess that I really
am the person that everyone thinks I am.
What about you?
- Um...
the woods. [chuckles]
Spooky woods.
Yeah, I hate that.
And not succeeding.
Not succeeding and
people just thinking I'm nothing.
- I know what you mean.
♪ pensive music playing ♪
♪ You're a decision ♪
♪ You are a game ♪
♪ You're a temptation ♪
♪ I don't know how to name ♪
♪ You are a door ♪
♪ I'm not sure I should walk through ♪
♪ 'Cause who am I ♪
♪ And who are you ♪
♪
- ♪ You're unexpected ♪
♪ You're undefined ♪
♪ What do I want ♪
♪ I'm not used to flying blind ♪
♪ You crack me open ♪
♪ And I am not sure why ♪
♪ Who are you ♪
♪ And who am I ♪
BOTH: ♪ You're an illusion ♪
♪ A midnight voice ♪
♪ You are the future or the past ♪
♪ With every choice ♪
♪ I could keep going ♪
♪ But if I dooo ♪
♪ Who am I ♪
♪ And who are you ♪
[phone ringing]
- Hello? - Hi.
- Star 69.
- Do you wanna maybe meet up for breakfast?
We could pick a diner... halfway between us.
- I would love to.
BOTH: ♪ Who am I ♪
♪ And who are you ♪
♪ What is fiction, what's a lie ♪
♪ And what is truuue ♪
♪ Is this hellooo ♪
♪ Is this goodbyeee ♪
♪ Who are you ♪
♪ And who am I ♪
[Joan gasps]
- You looove him.
[gasps] - Wait, what?
- I put him at a solid 1.9
on my 10-point potential serial killer index.
[softly] That's very rare.
- You're gonna make a very beautiful family together.
We're, we're just having breakfast.
- He's perfect for you. He's everything you've ever wanted.
- You, you said Ned was perfect.
You, you said Ned was everything I ever wanted.
- Well, that's because we thought Miguel was a scary, dangerous
banker sort of person.
But he's not... He's broken.
- In the best possible way.
- He's someone you can take care of. Someone you can fix.
- I came here to fix myself.
- But you don't really wanna do that.
That's hard.
- Don't... okay?
I know exactly what you're gonna say.
- I wasn't gonna say anything. - Just enjoying the view.
- I don't know who raised her, but this is just plain rude.
- Poor Miguel. Always getting stepped on.
ROSIE: You don't need her.
You don't need anyone. I'm here. - Okay, that's fuckin' creepy.
WAITER: Can I take your order now?
- Um...
uh, no, let's just give it a few more minutes.
♪
- You never should've said "Brown Eyed Girl."
[sighs]
- Well, this is fun.
♪ In all this crazy world ♪
♪ There's one thing I am certain of ♪
♪ For every hour and month and year that we are here to love ♪
♪ Regardless of how much ♪
♪ We talk, we tell, we touch ♪
♪ No matter what we suffer throoough ♪
♪ I can never know you ♪
[singers harmonizing]
♪ "Tiger Shark" playing ♪
MIGUEL: ♪ I'm a tiger ♪ ORSON: ♪ Tiger, let me hear you roar ♪
MIGUEL: ♪ Hear me roar ♪ ORSON: ♪ You're a shark ♪
MIGUEL: ♪ Oh yeah ♪ BOTH: ♪ More ancient than a dinosaur ♪
ORSON: ♪ Flash your cool ID ♪ MIGUEL: ♪ In my corporate suit ♪
ORSON: ♪ And use your electromagnetic snoot ♪
BOTH: ♪ To make a ton of dough ♪
ORSON: ♪ Then, bro, just waaait ♪
BOTH: ♪ A female tiger shaaark ♪
♪ Might wanna mate ♪
[fanfare]