♪ In all this crazy world ♪
♪ There's one thing I am certain of ♪
♪ For every hour and month and year that we are here to love ♪
♪ Regardless of how much ♪
♪ We talk, we tell, we touch ♪
♪ No matter what we suffer throoough ♪
♪ I can never know you ♪
[voices harmonizing]
My fellow members of The Sixth Street Community Center's "Writing Workshop:
Beginners through Intermediates"... [chuckles]
you hold in your hands today
more... than just the first chapter of my novel.
You also hold... my heart.
Am I nervous? A little.
Am I nauseous? Extremely.
But mostly, I am excited
because I know that your mixed,
but largely positive feedback, is going to serve
as the gentle nudge that I need to tell myself
that I am a writer! [Joan/Tom/Celeste speaking]
I have something to say
and the world is a better place with me--
- Touch of a man. - Okay, no.
I am not letting you do this.
This is my day.
I just don't get it, Linds.
If you know for a fact that you're a terrible writer...
I'm not a terrible writer.
...then why would you agree to share that terrible writing
beyond the confines of your own sad self?
Everything is telling you the same thing, sweetheart:
you made a mistake. Leaving Ned?
Nothing is telling me that.
You, you were almost decapitated by a falling air conditioner two weeks ago.
- That was a sign. - I survived, didn't I?
- You've been hit by three cabs. - At very low speeds.
It's time to give up whatever this prolonged emotional breakdown is
and come home.
I belong here... In this city. In this vocation.
And today is gonna prove it.
Everybody is gonna love my chapter.
- You have no reason to believe that. - Is that so?
How about, uh,
this reason?
Well, you never count the first card.
Everybody knows that. What about this reason?
It's funny. The devil's actually a very misunderstood card
because it's really more about the shadow--
♪ When you're wondering how something's gonna go ♪
♪ Something there's no way for you to know ♪
♪ Just go and ask the universe to show a spark of the divine ♪
♪ I know, I say, "Hello! It's me!"♪
♪ And insert deity ♪
♪ Will always send a sign ♪
♪ Like right now ♪
Fu--
♪ The sun is shinin', the sky is blue ♪
♪ You'd only know from your roommate's view ♪
- ♪ And the kitchen's clean ♪ - ♪ But the bathroom's not ♪
♪ She used your Nair and left the hair, and it smells like poop and pot ♪
♪ But they lowered rent for the entire A and C line ♪
♪ It's a sign, it's a sign ♪
JOAN/TOM/CELESTE: ♪ It's a sign, it's a sign ♪
♪ That's a sign all right ♪
JOAN/TOM/CELESTE: ♪ In black and white ♪
And you tell yourself, "Oh, it's only a little rat bite."
Ten days later, your spleen has swollen to the size of a ripe melon.
- ♪ Note the broken mirror ♪ - ♪ And the haunted doll ♪
♪ But encouraging graffiti on the lovely wall ♪
♪ Look, a big black cat ♪
♪ I just won't go that way ♪
♪ Hot damn, it looks like BAM is doing the Scottish play ♪
♪ But someone dropped their subway token and now it's mine ♪
JOAN/TOM/CELESTE:
♪ It's a sign, it's a sign ♪
- ♪ Is this glue or gum ♪ - ♪ No, that is cum ♪
Mm, dehydrated ejaculate.
♪ Today I really need things to go right ♪
♪ 'Cause then I'll feel that my future is bright ♪
♪ And I'll know writing is right ♪
♪ And I can write my ticket out of hell ♪
♪ Oh, hell-o, mind if I squeeze in ♪
♪ Look I just got a seat ♪
♪ This baby's suckin' at New York's teat ♪
♪ Sweet, or it's a sign you'll end up like this fine man ♪
♪ Drinkin' wine and slurpin' tuna right out of a can ♪
♪ Whoo ♪
♪ Right on time with seconds to spare ♪
♪ Note the splatter of blood at the base of the stairs ♪
- ♪ There's seven writers ♪ - ♪ In room thirteen ♪
- ♪ I got a hunch I wowed the bunch ♪ - ♪ ‘Cause your work is obscene ♪
Lindsay Arthur?
♪ And hey, they chose to start with me ♪
♪ It's my turn to shine ♪
I need to speak to you. In private.
You won't be coming back.
- ♪ Check and mate ♪ - ♪ Resign ♪
JOAN/TOM/CELESTE: ‘Cause that's a sign.
What you've written... it made me want to get out of bed this morning.
And that's quite rare.
- Oh, I-I'm so relieved that you liked it. - Liked it?
The scene in the office,
when Linda manipulates Mitchell's genitals until he begins to weep?
- It's a tour de force. - Wow, thank you so much.
And then to leave us with this delicious mystery.
The central question of the piece:
why did Mitchell cry?
Well, you'll just have to read chapter two to find out.
I called Gil Frond first thing this morning.
He teaches Intermediate to Advanced.
He agreed to consider you for a slot.
Oh, my goodness.
He needs a writing sample at the end of tomorrow by the very latest.
Oh, well, I can just give him the chapter.
Gil has a 30-page sample requirement.
If you could submit the first two chapters?
Well, I, I haven't written chapter two yet.
Oh, not on paper,
but I'm sure you've got it all figured out.
What sort of a writer would you be otherwise?
Right.
- Jiminator! - Hey, I was actually hopin'
to maybe grab a few minutes with you.
Well, I was actually hopin' to grab a few minutes with you.
I've been doin' a lot of thinkin' about bringin' in my own business...
- Uh-huh. - ...and I put together some ideas.
Well, I just took a gander at the invite list
to Chad's bachelor party, and you are on it, man.
Wow. That's... flattering.
Your trainer leaving her husband for you is "flattering."
An invite to Chad's bachelor party is monumental.
His dad is the CFO of la banque.
One week in Aspen. We leave next Monday. BYO skis.
Guess I... better get some skis, then.
Yeah, but here's the real head-butt in the dick:
you know that company in Texas,
the one that makes cattle feed from chicken shit?
- Yeah. - Q2 numbers just came in.
Not looking good.
Which means we're gonna have to run all new projections
before we head out to private equity.
Which means I'm gonna need ya here, building out a new deck.
- Oh, okay-- - Right, but there's no way
you're missing this party.
Our chalet is a who's who of who decides who makes associate.
You have to be there.
But I'm also supposed to be here?
I know.
I get it. This is one of those unsolvable problems
that you give to analysts to see if they crack under the pressure.
"Be there, but don't be there, but also... be there." [laughs]
You have until Wednesday to come up with a solve,
at which point your invite reverts to Chris.
Oh hey, Germin, go fuck yourself.
[ambient street noise]
[gasps]
Miguel?! Miguel Jimenez?! Is that you?
- Oh, goddammit. - Oh, she knows exactly who you are.
No one could forget that face.
Drop to the floor. Pretend you're having a seizure.
LINDSAY: It's Lindsay! Lindsay Arthur!
This is not nice, what you're doing. Not nice at all.
- Talk about crazy. - No one said anything about crazy.
What brings you to, uh, this... neck of the woods?
I work here.
In the building we're standing in front of.
Tell her your base salary. That'll really fuck her up.
That's right. I completely forgot.
If she forgot, she's an idiot. If she's lying, she's a liar.
Running into you like this? Out of the blue?
I mean... this is a sign.
Conjuring a fake sign?
A sign that... we both live in New York and use the sidewalk?
[chuckles] There he is. That's my boy.
Hilarious. No.
It is a sign that I should finally ask you this question.
I was wondering...
Why did you cry when I fumbled with your private parts like a clumsy juggler?
...if you could ever forgive me for standing you up at the diner?
Not in a million years.
Already have.
It's just-- I, I should've told you
I... I came to New York to focus on myself and find my voice as a writer.
- [Orson/Rosie/Renee laughing] - But seriously... seriously,
- don't sweat it. I certainly didn't. - Yeah, he only waited at the diner
- for you for an hour and a half. - Ooh, ooh!
Get her to guess your FICO score. That'll be a hoot.
And now she has a stain on her trousers.
How charming.
- Just shut up. - Fuck off.
Well, excuse me for offering outstanding advice.
You know, I-I-- Still, I would like to make it up to you.
How 'bout we grab that breakfast now?
- My treat. - It's 5:00.
Hm, true. European lunch? Old folks dinner?
Look, I'm dealing with a pretty big crisis at work
and I need to dive back in first thing tomorrow
- so if you could-- - Oh, my God! Way to bury the lede.
I excel in a crisis. How 'bout this?
We can grab a light snack, I will solve your work problem for you,
and, uh, then we'll, uh, call it a day?
What about... a bus? Have you considered a bus? It could work.
It's... 30 hours each way.
Okay, I can see how that could be... difficult.
So far, this has been very helpful.
Here's a thought.
Have you considered that maybe your bosses are using this
as a made-up assignment to mess with you?
Welcome to investment banking.
Are there good things about your job?
Well, the money doesn't hurt.
Sounds a little superficial.
It's not just the money. I like the challenge.
Hm.
Ya don't eat, ya don't kill.
It's the other way around.
You know... you don't seem, like,
incredibly... killer-ish to me.
And how would you know what I'm like?
Well, you know, you did... cry when--
- Okay, yeah, no. I'm gonna go. - Wait, wait. Miguel, wait.
- Why did you cry? - I don't know.
Okay, perhaps, we could figure it out together.
You know, like, have, like, a brainstorming session.
- I mean, if that would be helpful for you. - Okay, thank you for the street nuts.
Wait. Miguel! MIGUEL: I have to go!
Wait, no! But wait!
Miguel, wait! You, you forgot your bag!
[grunts]
- What?! - I... saw a bee on it and I panicked!
How am I supposed to get it back?!
Well, here, here, here, here. Throw, throw mine.
It's the least I can do.
No, the least you can do is to not throw my bag over!
Well, the past is the past. This is the least I can do now.
I don't--
You know, I used to be just like you.
I was so afraid of breaking the rules.
See, my dad is a coroner,
and I spent my entire childhood hearing about all the different ways
I was gonna die or be permanently maimed.
And then one day, I just realized,
you cannot live like that.
So, don't overthink it. Don't even regular think it.
Just.
[Lindsay chuckles]
That was
- oddly satisfying. - Right?
I can't believe you did that. My entire life is in that bag.
What do we do now?
Gimme a boost.
Okay, well, what does, what does that mean?
- You push me up. - Like, by the butt?
You didn't do a lot of outdoor playing as a child, did you?
- Okay, I don't need the insults. - Ready?
- Yeah. - One, two, three.
- Ooh! - Ooh, it's harder to get up--
- Right there. - You gotta--
If I can get the
first leg up... MIGUEL: Yeah.
LINDSAY: ...then I can just-- MIGUEL: Okay.
- Yeah. - If I can get this one--
Maybe we should use the gate.
- MIGUEL: Yeah, that works, too. - Okay. I'm comin' down.
MIGUEL: All right.
What is this thing?
There used to be boulders like this all over the city.
From the last ice age.
Most of 'em are gone, um, bulldozed to put up high rises.
But...
I don't know.
I always liked this one.
No idea why.
Because it is
truly... truly hideous. [laughing]
Hey.
I really am sorry.
About the diner. And also, about earlier.
It's... it's none of my business
why you cried during... hand stuff three weeks ago.
I think I maybe do know why.
Well, you don't, you don't have to tell me.
- Seriously. - I guess I've just lost so much
in my life.
Things and people.
And whenever life seems good, that's,
that's always right before it goes bad.
Like, as soon as you take that first bite of birthday cake,
it's just... on its way to being gone.
And that night with you, I...
I felt good.
The best I felt in a long time.
Think I realized just... how bad it would hurt
when it went away again.
♪ light music playing ♪
WRITER LINDSAY: ♪ She had been waiting like the daffodils ♪
♪ That pushed their head toward sunshine ♪
♪ She wanted answers by the old financial fortress ♪
♪ There he stood, this would be good ♪
♪ He resisted, she would have to be persistent ♪
♪ They went walking ♪
♪ She matched her step to his to find his rhythm ♪
♪ To stay right with him ♪
♪ To understand ♪
♪ Sun-filled streets urged her ♪
♪ Keep on going ♪
♪ Every step a story unfolding, his stronghold still holding ♪
♪ But she liked the way he smiled ♪
♪ A rusty park bench ♪
♪ A waxy bag of salty sweet and laughter ♪
♪ What she was after ♪
♪ Was a harder nut to crack than first she thought ♪
♪ And so she fought ♪
♪ Fences breached ♪
♪ She'd gotten what she wanted ♪
♪ But the victory felt hollow ♪
♪ The rush she thought would follow ♪
♪ Had vanished in her hands ♪
♪ What he told her surpassed all that she'd written ♪
♪ She should go home and put it all on paper ♪
♪ But she realized she wouldn't write this chapter ♪
♪ Anymore ♪
WRITER LINDSAY: Ah! [thud]
♪ She would live it ♪
♪ She'd rather live it ♪
♪ Starting now she'd live it ♪
♪ With him ♪
♪
I'm sorry... I should've--
[moaning]
[Lindsay giggling]
Are you, like... hungry or something?
- Mm. I'm starving. - Mmm. Okay.
I'll see what I have.
Let's see. Uh. Oh! [chuckles]
I have, um... expired cookie dough?
- Yum. - Okay.
Let's see. Turn the... oven on here.
Fifteen minutes to preheat.
[moaning]
Maybe you were right.
About what?
When we ran into each other today.
I don't know if it was actually a sign, but
whatever it was,
I'm pretty glad it happened.
Well,
it's--
it wasn't, um... exactly a sign
just 'cause I, I was
waiting outside your office because I wanted to see you.
But don't, don't, don't be mad, okay?
I'm less mad and more flattered.
Yeah.
Because, the thing is,
I'm, uh, I'm actually
- I'm writing a novel. - Oh.
Yeah, and I have a... character in it
named Mitchell, who's sort of
very casually
based on you.
He's a banker
who mysteriously cries during a hand-job.
This is... getting less flattering.
No, see, because my teacher,
[scoffs] she loves this character a lot.
And she, she just-- she wants to know
everything about him.
She really, really wanted to know why he cried,
which I'm like, "Who cares?" You know? But.
Uh...
So, that's why you wanted to see me today?
You were just using me to get juicy material for your novel?
Well, well-- [sighs]
- Initially, yeah, but-- - Oh, okay. I see.
But I'm the superficial one.
- Wait, Miguel. - Yeah. No, I, I--
Just hang on.
- Miguel, just listen to me. - What I told you today,
- I've never told anyone. - I'm a writer. Every writer does this.
I mean, you know, nobody thinks that
Hemingway is a jerk for writing about his real life.
Everyone thinks that!
And this isn't your life, this is my life!
Look, I know that I started our day under false pretenses,
and I really am sorry,
but... everything that's happened since then, it's been real.
- And that, I really do think is a sign. - No!
No, it's not! And you know how I know?
Because there's no such thing as signs.
What is that smell?!
[rattling]
What is that?
When's the last time you cleaned it?
I've never even used it.
[thud]
[rattling]
[scraping]
[screeching] What?! What?! What?! What?!
It's, it's, um, it's, it's, it's rats. [Lindsay gasps]
It's, um,
a family of rats, um,
burning to death?
- I think I made eye contact. - Oh, my God! What do you mean?
What do you mean, "What do you mean?" I can't be any clearer than that!
Oh, my God! Okay. Oh, my God! Do I, do I turn it off?
Or would that just make them suffer more?
Oh, my God, do I turn it up?
- Why are you asking me?! - 'Cause you saw them!
I mean, did, did it seem like
there was a chance that they could survive?
Or is it too late? And, and the humane thing to do
would just be to speed the process up?!
I saw a family of 10 rats! On fire!
- That's as specific as I can be! - Stop saying that they were a family!
You don't know that! Maybe they just met!
They were all holding each other like,
- like the old couple in Titanic! - Oh God!
[yells]
[noise stops]
Yeah, I'm gonna backtrack just a smidge.
Since the dawn of time... there's been exactly one sign.
And this was it.
- I'm gonna go. - [sighs] Please wait.
But the good news is, this whole thing,
I'm sure this will make a great chapter for your novel.
Miguel!
He is out of his mind.
"Ten rats dead by your own hand" is so much more than a sign.
How do we feel about "portent"?
Shall we take "portent" out for a spin?
ELAINE: Oh, oh. I was hoping I could sneak a quick read
- before turning the pages over to Gil. - I, I don't have the chapter.
Oh... If you need an extension?
It's not that, um.
I've decided to put the novel down.
I, I realized that what happened with Mitchell,
it's... not my story to tell.
What about the rest of the book? Mitchell's just one character.
You said Mitchell was all you were interested in, I mean--
I was interested because the author was interested.
It's the same way I feel when I read any great writer.
I can tell where the passion is.
- You think I'm a great writer? - Absolutely.
You just need to decide what story you want to tell.
♪
♪ What if I let somebody see me ♪
♪ If they saw what it is to be me ♪
♪ Would they be terrified ♪
♪ Of the sight ♪
Returning to the scene of the crime
is a move for successful criminals, Lindsay.
You got what you wanted, sweetheart.
Your teacher admitted you were a decently proficient writer.
"Great," Mom. She said I was great.
What are you doing here?
I don't know. I guess I just... thought if I came back here,
maybe there'd be some kind of a s--
- Don't even say it. - Fine. I... am done with signs.
- Ah, you said the word. - Well. [clears throat]
Starting tomorrow.
[door dings] MIGUEL: Thank you.
I see you finally came around on signs.
It's not a sign.
It's a 12-color photorealistic life-size cardboard standee.
Well, I... saw your
12-color life-size photorealistic cardboard standee
through the window and I took it as a s--
12-color photorealistic
- life-sssize cardboard standee... - Life-size cardboard standee.
...from the universe
telling me that I should come in here and say the following to you:
I'm sorry.
Again.
If it makes you feel any better,
I decided to stop... writing the novel.
Why'd you do that?
I need to find my own story.
I did figure out why my... teacher liked Mitchell so much, though.
Yeah?
She cared about him because I care about him.
Because I... wanted to spend time with him
and figure out why he knew so many random facts about
rocks and bridges.
Because I... felt something for Mitchell.
I feel something... for him.
Well...
bridges and rocks are really just scratching the surface of
useless facts that
Mitchell... knows.
There's roadways.
And there's aqueducts.
He hasn't even broached easements. [toilet flushing]
Did you ever put us on that waitlist?
You mean... the waitlist to have sex in the bathroom at that awful bar?
Mm-hm.
♪ cheery music playing ♪
Oh, that's, um... that's Ski-Slopes Miguel.
That's so I can be at Chad's bachelor party and--
Right. No, I, I, I got there on my own.
Could you-- Maybe you could, um,
- just turn him? - Yeah, yeah. No, sure.
Thanks.
That's, um... that's Strip-Clubs Miguel.
Strip-Clubs, plural.
- You know, it's a big week for him. - Okay.
♪
[fanfare]