♪ In all this crazy world ♪
♪ There's one thing I am certain of ♪
♪ For every hour and month and year that we are here to love ♪
♪ Regardless of how much ♪
♪ We talk, we tell, we touch ♪
♪ No matter what we suffer throoough ♪
♪ I can never know you ♪
[voices harmonizing]
LINDSAY: Hm.
Well... at the very least,
I think Strip-Clubs Miguel had a good time.
- Well, Strip-Clubs Miguel always has a good time.
That's his whole thing.
- Do you th-- Do you think we should--
- Yeah. Yeah, no, we should definitely.
- Okay, so I can go out first.
- Right, and then-- - And then you will wait a few minutes
and then you come out. - Okay.
- Just 'cause I, you know, we don't want people to get the wrong idea.
- No, we don't want that. - Or the right idea.
Sorry, I've never done this before.
- Well, lucky for you, I've done this about a million times.
- Sex in a, uh, a printing store bathroom?
- Printing store bathroom, printing store utility closet,
printing store employee break room. - Wow.
- I guess you could say I come here often.
- I'm gonna meet ya outside. - All right.
- [grunts] Okay. [clears throat]
Yes.
Perfect distraction.
Bye.
[door closes]
♪ piano music playing ♪
- ♪ Oooh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Time stops and I'm not waiting ♪
♪ My heart is already there ♪
♪ I'm done with hesitating ♪
♪ This feels so right and so rare ♪
♪ And I can't help but feelin' ♪
♪ I am not alone ♪
♪ So much of life is lonely ♪
♪ So much of love is hiding ♪
♪ Falling in love is only ♪
♪ One single heart deciding ♪
♪ My destiny is callin' ♪
♪ The rest of me is reelin' ♪
♪ And I can't help but fallin' ♪
♪ 'Cause I can't help but feeling ♪
♪ I am not alone ♪
♪ I belong with you now ♪
♪ I am not alone ♪
♪ Love is what I do now ♪
[knocks on door] Just a second!
- Yeah.
♪ Let's not get too excited ♪
♪ You always make this mistake ♪
♪ As soon as you're ignited ♪
♪ You are a whole lot to take ♪
- ♪ But once the fire's burnin' ♪
- ♪ No ♪ - ♪ And all the bells are ringing ♪
- ♪ No ♪ - ♪ I know there's no returning ♪
- ♪ God, no ♪ - ♪ Because my ♪
♪ Heart is singing ♪ - Ah, fuck it.
- ♪ I am not alone ♪
♪ Love is where I live now ♪
♪ I am not alone ♪
♪ So much love to give now ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I am not alone, I am not alone ♪
♪ There's so much love to give ♪
♪ There's so much love to love ♪
- I'm sure we're on the same page about this,
but you probably just wanna keep things casual... right?
- Absolutely.
- This is good, right?
- Bro, this... is ideal.
- It's just... she did frame it as a question.
She didn't say that she wanted to keep it casual, necessarily.
She asked me if I wanted to, so now I'm wondering if--
- Stop wondering, okay? Lose the wonder.
- No... you're right. - Of course, I'm fuckin' right, man.
Steady sex, zero obligations.
You get to do it with Lindsay and whoever else you want.
And she's the one that's suggesting it?
It's the Holy Grail of fuckery, man.
- And we don't have to get attached. - No!
- We don't have to get feelings involved. - Exactly.
- Just... sex. - Yeah.
- There's nothing special about it. - Special? Bro.
Fuck special! [all laughing]
- Sex is always special for him.
He could be getting a dumpster blow job
from a snaggle-toothed prostitute named Chuckles.
He'd be madly in love by the time she finished undoing his belt buckle.
- Nuh-uh, no, no, no, no.
That's the old Miguel. - Yeah, that's not me anymore.
- Oh, not since 12 minutes ago
when you were ready to start pickin' out the name of your first child?
- O-kay. That was just--
I was caught up in the moment. This is what happens.
- Uh, is that the same thing that happened with me?
You know, when I let you go up my shirt
'cause I was trying to get back at Rod for fingering that skank
from Holy Cross with the twitchy eye?
- [whispers]: Nice. - And you promised
not to get weird after it.
And then, you wrote me those poems,
and some of them were, like, bizarrely sexual.
About, like... "fragrant tulip buds"?
- Hey, it's not that weird. - It's pretty fuckin' weird.
- It was a long time ago! Is the point.
I was a kid.
Things are different now. - You're a man.
- I'm a man. - Yeah.
♪ romantic music swells ♪
- Wow. That was--
- I should get going. - Oh.
♪ music ends ♪
Okay?
- Yeah, I just need to prep for this meeting.
- Oh... what's the meeting?
- Um, you wouldn't be interested.
- I'm asking.
- I, uh, think I... may have found my own business
to bring in.
To the bank. - Oh... Well, that, that sounds good.
Is that good? - Yeah, it is good. It is... very good.
- It's very good? - Very, very good.
- Well, dang. - If I can land it.
- Well, you're not the only one with life-changing professional news.
I finally get to do my very own Staff Pick
at the bookstore. - Okay. What are you gonna choose?
- Fitness Walking For Dummies.
It's a completely rigged process.
We just do whichever book we've ordered too many copies of.
- God, this is just like the night I found out the Tooth Fairy
was actually just my dad rifling through his wallet for small bills.
- Truth hurts.
- Uh, do you think that pizza place at the end of your block is still open?
- Ooh, I don't know. Let's find out.
- Uhh.
You really think we should be doin' that?
Going out for dinner? - It's a slice of pizza.
- Yeah, it's, it's probably better, though, right, if we just
keep things simple, keep it casual. - I think we could
get a slice of pizza without falling madly in love.
- That's true.
[sighs]
Yeah... let's do it.
♪ I Am Not Alone playing ♪
[inaudible]
[baby crying]
- Nice...
pants.
[monitor beeping, flatlines]
- ♪ There's so much love to give, there's so much love ♪
- What the fuck are you doing?! - Oh, my God.
- Okay, so, uh, a dinner date, a sleepover,
and now you're dreamin' about your future fucking offspring?
Yeah, this is about as casual as a brain aneurysm.
- I don't know what happened. - Unless-- Oh, my God!
Maybe she's in love with you.
Maybe it really is special. Maybe she's special.
- She's bein' sarcastic, you cuckolded fuckin' infant.
- I know. I, I was thinking about it sarcastically, with sarcasm.
LINDSAY: Hey.
You, you leaving? - I'm leaving, yes, um,
but it was nice to see you, as always.
[sighs] - Yes... Good.
- High five.
- I'd rather not.
- Okay.
[children laughing]
- "So, the fire-juggling flounder and the lion-taming eel,
"with the snow crab on a unicycle and the sea trout named...
ALL: Emile!
- "They went one and all, yes, one and all they went
to the great, grand ocean circus in the great, grand coral tent."
- Mr. McGooch?
- Ted... please.
- Okay, Ted. I'm sorry. I just-- I had to tell you, The Bubbling Big Top?
I used to refuse to go to sleep
until my mother would read it to me at least three times.
- Please extend my sincerest apologies to your mother.
- No. She, she loved it.
I-I was actually wondering if maybe you could sign copies for both of us?
- Ah.
Should I make them out to?
- I-I'm Lindsay and she's Joan.
- Pleasure to meet you, Lindsay.
- I'm... I'm actually a writer, too. - Ah.
- Well, but grown-up stuff.
I didn't mean that to sound-- I, I love children's books.
- It's a misnomer. "Children's books."
Name me a single piece of writing
that confronts the riddle of human mortality
with more courage, more honesty,
than Goodnight, Moon.
"The quiet old lady... whispering 'hush.'"
Come on.
Camus, Sartre, Beckett... compared to that?
Schoolboys.
- The... quiet old lady is supposed to be... death?
- It's all supposed to be death.
The quiet old lady... the bowl full of mush,
the three little bears sitting on chairs.
The bears are death, the chairs are death.
Children live much closer to the true essence of life.
The darkness, the doubt, the dread.
- Oh, wow.
I guess I... never thought of it that way.
- It's been nice chatting with you.
I'm always excited to talk about death.
Alas... I must be off.
Hope to see you Saturday.
- Uh, sorry, Saturday?
- Midnight. 740 Ludlow. Tell no one.
MIGUEL: So, I was flipping through the Brown Alumni Magazine.
I usually don't even read it, but then I saw the profile on you,
and I was so inspired by your story.
- Jimmy showed me the article and I was like, "Wait, I know that dude."
- I was this guy's surfing teacher.
- Uh, the teacher learned much from the student, if methinks correctly.
[all laughing]
Well, listen, I just wanted to be here for the intros.
I will let my esteemed colleague Jimmy take it from here.
Still recoverin' from my bachelor party.
Cardboard Jimmy was a champ.
- Oh... good.
So, as I was saying,
I was so impressed by all that you've done,
creating the 12th largest juice brand in the world.
- Number-one cruelty-free.
- I didn't realize that. That's great to know.
- Oh yeah, and we don't test our shit on bonobos and whatnot.
I'm, I'm very firm on that.
- Well, and I think it's exactly that commitment to your vision--
- And I wanna murder Snapple.
- What's that? - I said I want to murder Snapple.
That's the other part of this.
I want to take a pillow and hold it over its face
until it, it goes lifeless, and it dies.
Can you help me do that?
- I believe you have the potential to outperform any of your competitors.
You just need the right partner.
Someone who has relationships to key players in private equity
to get you the capital you need to make Squez... a fruit juice empire.
- Wait until you hear what I wanna do to Ocean Spray.
[chuckles]
- Why don't I grab us another round and you can tell me all about it?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
- Looks like a fun meet.
- Do you know, uh, Squez Juice?
- Of course. Can't live without my daily Berry Bonanza.
- That's the guy.
- It's always the weirdos. [both chuckling]
- Uh, hey, can I get another round of, uh, Johnnie Walker Gold, please?
- Sure.
- You're in finance. - How'd you guess?
- Armani jacket, Ferragamo shoes, criminally overpriced Scotch.
- Well. - I know the type.
I'm at Lehman. Arbitrage.
- Winnicott. Analyst.
- Oh, you're a baby.
- Not quite.
- My home number is on the back.
- Oh.
I'm sorta seein' someone.
- You fuckin' rube!
- But it's casual.
It's very casual.
- Well... casual works for me.
TRIP: Ask if they have walnuts.
Whole nuts.
I brought my own nutcracker.
- Walnuts?
- Hey.
- Should probably go.
I've got a... a ton of work to get through this weekend.
- Oh... okay.
Oh, hey, how did the big meeting go?
- Pretty great, actually.
I mean... still need to put together a deal, but.
- But then you get to be assistant.
- Associate.
- Which is... better than assistant?
- There is no assistant.
There's analyst and then there's associate.
- Well, in that case, yay!
- No.
[Miguel chuckles]
I used to love reading this book. - Yeah, me too. [laughs]
You know, he did a reading at the store the other day.
Yeah, I introduced myself and told him I was a writer.
- No! You met Mr. McGooch?! - [laughs] Yeah.
- God. My six-year-old self is seething with envy.
- He was actually... kind of amazing.
And I think... talking to him... might've made me realize that I
kinda wanna... try writing a children's book.
There's a lot more to them than people realize.
- Yeah... why not?
- Yeah, why not?
- I used to read this to my little brother.
He was obsessed. [chuckles]
Right after my mom died, my dad worked two jobs,
and I had to take over the whole bedtime routine.
- How old were you when-- - I was 10.
And then we had to move, and that... sucked.
- How come?
- Well, we lived in Westchester. It's, like, the suburbs.
But when my dad couldn't swing two jobs and two kids by himself,
we had to move to Queens.
- Why Queens?
- It's where he grew up, in Jackson Heights.
It was like my whole life had been this one way,
and then, all of a sudden,
it wasn't.
My Spanish was shit.
And I didn't know anybody.
- Sorry.
- Thanks.
[phone ringing]
- I'll be right back, okay?
Hello?
Ugh.
No, for the last time, there is no one here named Dave.
Please, you have to stop calling, seriously.
[hangs up phone] [Lindsay exhales]
What are you... doing later?
'Cause I have this thing I, I might go to,
but I was thinking maybe we could grab dinner?
I mean, I realized earlier that we've never actually eaten
inside of a building together. - Uh, I have plans already, actually,
with, uh, another--
with someone else, so I can't. - Oh.
Okay, well... rain check then, I guess?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'd love that.
I'll see ya later. - 'Kay.
[exhales]
- I'm glad you called.
- Me too.
[applause]
TED: Welcome to the real Bubbling Big Top.
- Rockin' atmosphere.
- This is where I get all my ideas.
- Really? Ah. - Hey, Emile.
- [gasps] Oh, my God, Emile.
- I told you, children's literature
is much more complicated than people realize.
- Yes.
I...
I think... I think I wanna write one,
a, a children's book, I mean.
I... I wanna write the kind of... children's book
I wish I had... when I was a kid.
- What kinda book would that be?
- Well, growing up, I guess I always felt like kind of a--
like a weirdo.
You know, I had all these big ideas and feelings,
and... I just thought that there was something
wrong with me, honestly.
I just wish I'd had a book to read that told me that there wasn't.
That you don't always have to be... good or nice.
I think... if I'd had that, my life would've turned out a lot different.
- As soon as you finish writing that book,
send it to me.
- Really?
- Really.
[both chuckling]
[moaning]
♪ I Am Not Alone playing ♪
- Um, ho-hold, hold on.
- What's wrong? - Uh, I-I'm, I'm just wonderin' if maybe--
MAN: Hey... Hello?
- Who's that? RACHEL: Oh shit.
He wasn't supposed to fly back until tomorrow.
- Who wasn't supposed to fly back 'til tomorrow? - I'm j--
- What the fucking fuck, Jimmy?! Are you trying to fuck my fiancée?!
- What?! - Answer me, you fucking traitor!
Are you tryna fuck my fiancée in my fucking apartment?
- I didn't know she was your fiancée!
- Chad, please don't do anything crazy, okay?
Not like last time.
- You wanna fuck her, you sick fuckin' pervert?
- No. - Go on. Fuck her.
Don't let me stop you. - I mean, if he's insisting.
- Oh, I'm insisting all right.
- And he's just gonna sit there and watch.
- And I'm just gonna sit here and watch with my pants off.
- What choice do we have?
- Wait a minute.
- Not into it?
- Oh, my God!
We said casual, which I was totally okay with--
CHAD/RACHEL: Mm. - I thought I was totally okay with,
but maybe part of me always thought there was
something special... about her.
I don't know.
Thank you for listening.
- Any time.
- I hope this isn't rude of me to say, but
I don't understand how you guys can
do what you do.
I mean, don't you get jealous or?
- You know our secret?
We have one unbreakable rule:
honesty.
We tell each other exactly what we want.
- No half-truths and no game playing.
- Yeah, as long as we both want the same thing, great.
And if we don't,
then we'll deal with that, too.
Look, I don't know if you'd be interested in this,
but, uh, if you did wanna stick around, we could start with some light ticklin'.
- I'm good... thanks.
- Fair enough. Hm. - Okay.
- After everything I have done for you,
all that I have sacrificed,
all the hours I spent trying to graft some semblance of testicles to your scrotum,
and you're just gonna-- you're gonna throw it all away!
- I knew he couldn't do casual. I said it from the beginning.
- Except I can do casual, actually.
I could've had sex with Rachel all night long.
- That is highly debatable! - And I wouldn't have felt anything.
But it's different with Lindsay.
It's special... because she's special.
- What are you talking about? You felt the same thing with me.
- Maybe you were special, too. - That is actually very sweet.
- Okay, but that's the problem, Miguel.
You're not special...
at all. MIGUEL: Mm-hm.
Hey.
- Oh, hi.
- I hope you don't mind that I came by.
- N-No, it's great to see you, um. I don't have super long to talk, though,
just because the new Sue Grafton joint just dropped, O For Outlaw,
and let me tell you, we are "S" for screwed
because we don't have the manpower to handle this.
- No, no, no. This, this won't take long.
It's just, um, there's something I need to tell you, um.
♪ romantic music swells ♪
I was with someone last night.
Um.
- Oh.
- It, it didn't mean anything, but it made me realize--
- I, I just have to say, I-I'm so glad that you brought this up
because I, too, was with someone last night.
♪ music ends ♪ And I j-- I didn't know if we were,
if we were gonna share that... news with each other or.
It's actually someone you know... sort of. It was... Ted.
McGooch... Yeah.
I mean, that's not his real last name, but.
- You were with
Mr. McGooch?
W-Where did you go? An underwater circus?
- Yeah, [laughs] actually.
I mean, it was above water, obviously,
uh, and it was less of a circus circus
and more of a sex club with a circus theme?
I just have to say I-I'm--
I was really, really nervous when we started this, you know,
because I was like, "Can people even be casual?"
But
this is what I came to New York for,
to be free and to try all kinds of new things--
[drumroll] [Lindsay's voice fades]
- ♪ There once lived a boy, or rather, a man ♪
♪ Who loved a young woman and hatched a great plan ♪
♪ He thought he should share all his feelings inside ♪
♪ Those feelings he felt he should no longer hide ♪
♪ So he hitched up his courage and ran to her side ♪
♪ Hopin' to open his heart open wide ♪
♪ But I was right there sayin'... "Buddy, beware" ♪
♪ With McGoochy McWisdom I thought I'd McShare ♪
♪ Oh, there's so many ways you have not thought this through ♪
♪ Yes, you feel things for her, what does she feel for you ♪
♪ Your feelings are big, ah, but hers may be smaller ♪
♪ She may have big feelings for one who is taller ♪
♪ Or richer or cooler, this has been the trend ♪
♪ So, think this thing through, my full-feeling friend ♪
♪ You're a smart-seemin' kid, keep a lid on this blaze ♪
♪ Your feelings could burn you in so many ways ♪
TED/DANCERS: ♪ So many ways, so many ways ♪
DANCERS: ♪ You've not thought this through ♪
♪ In so many ways ♪
- ♪ 'Cause there's so many ways you will not measure up ♪
♪ If you're counting them now, then the answer is yup ♪
♪ You've no self-assurance, you always soft pedal ♪
♪ You have no Newbery or Caldecott Medal ♪
♪ I own my apartment and prob'ly a boat ♪
♪ Thanks to whimsical, swim-sical classics I wrote ♪
♪ And a girl on the go likes a player who pays ♪
♪ And your boat just won't float in, oh, sss ♪
DANCERS: ♪ So many ways ♪ - ♪ So many ways ♪
DANCERS: ♪ So many ways ♪
- ♪ Oh, there's so many ways you are going to get hurt ♪
♪ Has she been to my place, have I been up her skirt ♪
♪ You can't know, you can't know, she will not tell you so ♪
♪ So you'll go and imagine a slow blow-by-blow ♪
♪ And there in your head, I'll be so good in bed ♪
♪ You'll concoct that her cooch likes McGooch there instead ♪
♪ When I do the deed, every dame's in a daze ♪
♪ My deed does it deeper in so many ways ♪
TED/DANCERS: ♪ So many ways, so many ways ♪
- ♪ I have experience, I have the skills ♪
♪ I'm wiser and Pfizer supplies me with pills ♪
♪ But do what you want, fella ♪
♪ Nerve up and tell her ya love her and need her ♪
♪ Then wait like Old Yeller, as she pulls the trigger ♪
♪ And right down you go like that pitiful pooch ♪
♪ Yes, McGooch... told ya so ♪
LINDSAY: Like you were saying, it made you realize--
- This was a mistake.
For us to get involved.
That's what I realized.
For a lot of different reasons,
we were better off as friends,
so
I think we should just
do that.
- Yeah, I mean, if that's... what you really want.
- Absolutely.
♪
[fanfare]