1 00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:04,046 ♪ light guitar music playing ♪ 2 00:00:19,396 --> 00:00:20,230 Come. 3 00:00:27,445 --> 00:00:30,282 LINDSAY: I came to New York to be a writer. 4 00:00:30,282 --> 00:00:33,285 And sure, some distractions got in the way. 5 00:00:34,411 --> 00:00:38,957 But I stand before you today recommitted to my craft. 6 00:00:38,957 --> 00:00:41,877 If given this incredible opportunity, 7 00:00:41,877 --> 00:00:46,464 I am confident that I will be the discreet, tidy, easygoing, 8 00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:49,676 you'll-never-even-know-I'm-there roommate 9 00:00:49,676 --> 00:00:51,344 that you've been looking for. 10 00:00:52,721 --> 00:00:54,556 What do you think, Dave? 11 00:00:55,432 --> 00:00:57,058 Sure. Yeah. 12 00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,144 Room is yours. LINDSAY: Really? 13 00:00:59,144 --> 00:01:01,104 Oh, my God. Great. 14 00:01:01,104 --> 00:01:02,689 Because I've been staying at the YMCA, 15 00:01:02,689 --> 00:01:04,900 and I'm not sure what the song is talking about 16 00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:08,278 because "fun" is definitely not the first word that comes to mind. 17 00:01:08,278 --> 00:01:12,198 Well, I was just telling Dave that, uh, we need some more female energy here. 18 00:01:12,699 --> 00:01:15,118 Yeah, I-I'm curious. How, how did you two meet? 19 00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:17,913 I was just coming back from a year abroad, and, uh, 20 00:01:17,913 --> 00:01:19,998 bumped into Marta right outside the building. 21 00:01:19,998 --> 00:01:22,876 Almost like she was waiting for me. [Marta laughs] 22 00:01:23,293 --> 00:01:25,003 Almost. 23 00:01:25,003 --> 00:01:28,715 We started talking and turns out we had so much in common. 24 00:01:28,715 --> 00:01:31,426 Like, her favorite books are literally the same ones I have on my shelf. 25 00:01:31,426 --> 00:01:33,845 [laughs] That is so crazy. 26 00:01:33,845 --> 00:01:36,348 It's not that crazy. 27 00:01:36,348 --> 00:01:38,183 Do you have a boyfriend or? 28 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,895 Um, no. No, I'm-- 29 00:01:42,479 --> 00:01:44,105 Mm-mm, no. DAVE: Well, I should warn you, 30 00:01:44,105 --> 00:01:45,982 the room we have available is very small. 31 00:01:45,982 --> 00:01:48,610 I mean, it's definitely not a closet, but-- 32 00:01:48,610 --> 00:01:50,237 I'm sure it's perfect. 33 00:01:51,655 --> 00:01:54,991 I'm telling ya, it's all smiles out there at the Christmas party, 34 00:01:54,991 --> 00:01:57,244 - but we are at Defcon Fucked. - Damn. 35 00:01:57,244 --> 00:02:00,121 They're saying hundreds of clients' personal info leaked. 36 00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:01,998 No one's seen a data breach like this before. 37 00:02:01,998 --> 00:02:03,583 I.T. is shitting itself. 38 00:02:03,583 --> 00:02:05,585 But it's nothing compared to what's coming. 39 00:02:05,585 --> 00:02:06,795 Y2K? 40 00:02:06,795 --> 00:02:09,047 We're talking four horsemen of the apocalypse shit. 41 00:02:09,047 --> 00:02:12,050 Hey, you're welcome to join us at my parents' place out East. 42 00:02:12,759 --> 00:02:15,762 That's very generous of you, but I think I'm good. Thanks. 43 00:02:15,762 --> 00:02:17,931 Oh, just gonna 44 00:02:17,931 --> 00:02:20,850 cuddle in with Random Lindsay for the holidays, huh? 45 00:02:20,850 --> 00:02:24,187 - Huh? - Yeah... something like that. 46 00:02:24,187 --> 00:02:27,691 Sorry, Chris. No room at the pad for you, I'm afraid. 47 00:02:27,691 --> 00:02:29,693 Associates and above only. 48 00:02:29,693 --> 00:02:32,821 Totally get it, fellas. I, I appreciate you even thinking of me. 49 00:02:32,821 --> 00:02:34,447 KEVIN: We didn't. 50 00:02:34,447 --> 00:02:38,451 [laughs] Well, Merry Christmas, gents. 51 00:02:38,451 --> 00:02:41,454 ♪ melancholy music playing ♪ 52 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:54,175 ♪ I don't care... that you're not here to see the lights ♪ 53 00:02:54,759 --> 00:02:59,764 ♪ That we're not making matching footprints in the snow ♪ 54 00:03:01,308 --> 00:03:04,936 ♪ I don't need you here ♪ 55 00:03:04,936 --> 00:03:07,814 ♪ To warm my winter nights ♪ 56 00:03:07,814 --> 00:03:13,820 ♪ I don't buy into the myth of mistletoe ♪ 57 00:03:14,487 --> 00:03:17,949 ♪ It's important to remember ♪ 58 00:03:17,949 --> 00:03:21,161 ♪ That December's just December ♪ 59 00:03:21,161 --> 00:03:26,917 ♪ Then it's over and by New Year's, I'll be fine ♪ 60 00:03:27,792 --> 00:03:33,798 ♪ But as flurries swirl midair, I stop and say a silent prayer ♪ 61 00:03:34,216 --> 00:03:39,846 ♪ I hope your Christmas sucks as much as mine ♪ 62 00:03:40,263 --> 00:03:43,099 ♪ I don't know ♪ 63 00:03:43,099 --> 00:03:47,187 ♪ If you'd have helped me choose a tree ♪ 64 00:03:47,187 --> 00:03:52,817 ♪ Would you let me make you skate in Central Park ♪ 65 00:03:53,318 --> 00:03:56,071 ♪ Either way ♪ 66 00:03:56,071 --> 00:04:00,116 ♪ What's meant to be is meant to be ♪ 67 00:04:00,116 --> 00:04:06,122 ♪ And the twinkle lights still come on after dark ♪ 68 00:04:06,122 --> 00:04:09,876 ♪ So it's really not so tragic ♪ 69 00:04:09,876 --> 00:04:13,171 ♪ You're not here to share the magic ♪ 70 00:04:13,171 --> 00:04:19,010 ♪ Though it is a little lonely, I admit ♪ 71 00:04:19,010 --> 00:04:22,806 ♪ Still, the silver bells are ringing ♪ 72 00:04:22,806 --> 00:04:26,059 ♪ And the carolers are singing ♪ 73 00:04:26,059 --> 00:04:31,439 ♪ And I really hope you also feel like shit ♪ 74 00:04:32,065 --> 00:04:38,446 ♪ I don't mind ♪ BOTH: ♪ That I won't buy that perfect gift ♪ 75 00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:44,452 ♪ Based on something I remembered you once said ♪ 76 00:04:45,078 --> 00:04:47,998 ♪ Come to think ♪ 77 00:04:47,998 --> 00:04:51,376 ♪ It gives my soul a little lift ♪ 78 00:04:51,376 --> 00:04:54,796 ♪ That I won't have to return it ♪ 79 00:04:54,796 --> 00:04:58,133 ♪ ‘Cause I never plan ahead ♪ 80 00:04:58,133 --> 00:05:01,386 ♪ And as Santa Cons are drinking ♪ 81 00:05:01,386 --> 00:05:04,973 ♪ I still wonder what you're thinking ♪ 82 00:05:04,973 --> 00:05:10,979 ♪ Are you wishing things were like they were before ♪ 83 00:05:11,605 --> 00:05:14,232 ♪ This Christmas kinda sucks ♪ 84 00:05:14,524 --> 00:05:17,527 ♪ Because of you, this Christmas sucks ♪ 85 00:05:17,527 --> 00:05:19,446 [sighs] 86 00:05:19,446 --> 00:05:25,160 BOTH: ♪ So, I really hope that yours sucks ♪ 87 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:28,788 ♪ More ♪ 88 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,042 [TV playing] 89 00:05:35,587 --> 00:05:38,840 Ooh, and another thing... 90 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:41,468 I'm gonna say it. It's better without him. 91 00:05:41,468 --> 00:05:44,846 It's so nice to be alone. Without her. 92 00:05:44,846 --> 00:05:46,765 - Definitely quieter. - And less crazy. 93 00:05:47,140 --> 00:05:51,394 Don't forget, he kissed his ex-girlfriend... with his tongue. 94 00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:54,856 Who leaves their fiancée six days before a wedding? Psycho. 95 00:05:54,856 --> 00:05:57,359 You'll find someone else. 96 00:05:57,359 --> 00:05:59,319 You have to. 97 00:05:59,319 --> 00:06:00,946 Think of your eggs. 98 00:06:00,946 --> 00:06:03,657 I'm here. That's all you need. 99 00:06:03,657 --> 00:06:07,160 - You're so fucking weird with him. - It's Christmas! 100 00:06:07,619 --> 00:06:10,247 Do you even care that I finished my book? 101 00:06:12,249 --> 00:06:16,670 - Yes! - Uh, yeah, of course. Book. Good job. 102 00:06:20,966 --> 00:06:25,637 The Unlikely Adventure of Squid the Squirrel. 103 00:06:25,637 --> 00:06:28,932 Y-You told me to send it to you when I was finished, so. 104 00:06:30,684 --> 00:06:32,561 I had a feeling about you. 105 00:06:32,561 --> 00:06:33,979 You, you liked it? 106 00:06:34,563 --> 00:06:39,192 I did have an illustrator I wanted to recommend, if you're open. 107 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,196 His name is Mr. McGooch. 108 00:06:43,196 --> 00:06:44,197 Stop. 109 00:06:44,698 --> 00:06:46,908 - Really?! - The journey of your character: 110 00:06:46,908 --> 00:06:49,369 is she a squid or a squirrel? 111 00:06:49,661 --> 00:06:52,706 And then, in the end, of course, you reveal... she's neither. 112 00:06:52,706 --> 00:06:56,501 She's... she's complicated, like the best characters are. 113 00:06:56,501 --> 00:06:58,461 Yes! See, I, I knew you would get it. 114 00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:02,674 But... is she also, maybe, a little... gross? 115 00:07:03,425 --> 00:07:05,927 Tentacles all over her body. 116 00:07:05,927 --> 00:07:07,178 She's a monster? 117 00:07:07,178 --> 00:07:10,807 Oh, well, y-y-- Uh, yes, uh, but-- and no. 118 00:07:10,807 --> 00:07:14,895 She-- The-- See, she feels like a monster because she's different, you know? 119 00:07:14,895 --> 00:07:17,439 But, but I, I think she could be adorable. 120 00:07:19,107 --> 00:07:21,359 I don't mean to be immodest, but even with my talent, 121 00:07:21,359 --> 00:07:24,571 I have no idea how to make the grotesque mutant 122 00:07:24,571 --> 00:07:27,198 you have written, in any way, adorable. 123 00:07:29,117 --> 00:07:32,662 You just said the best characters were the complicated ones. 124 00:07:33,246 --> 00:07:36,291 Well, there's complicated and there's hideous. 125 00:07:36,291 --> 00:07:37,792 Hideous doesn't sell books. 126 00:07:38,209 --> 00:07:39,961 Look at The Giving Tree. 127 00:07:39,961 --> 00:07:42,005 Despicable person. 128 00:07:42,005 --> 00:07:44,216 Very handsome young man. 129 00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:46,968 These are the realities. 130 00:07:46,968 --> 00:07:51,681 Now... what if we forget about the whole squid business 131 00:07:51,681 --> 00:07:55,143 and we give our squirrel some freckles 132 00:07:56,186 --> 00:07:58,188 and a ponytail 133 00:07:59,898 --> 00:08:02,609 some cute bangs. 134 00:08:02,609 --> 00:08:07,113 And, um, w-what, what happens if I don't wanna change it? 135 00:08:09,824 --> 00:08:11,451 Your prerogative entirely. 136 00:08:12,077 --> 00:08:14,704 You'll just have to find another illustrator. 137 00:08:17,791 --> 00:08:19,209 Think about it. 138 00:08:20,210 --> 00:08:21,836 - [Lindsay burps] - Oh. 139 00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:23,755 I'm so sorry. 140 00:08:25,924 --> 00:08:27,926 Tell me when you have a decision. 141 00:08:29,803 --> 00:08:31,304 DICK: Jimenez. 142 00:08:33,348 --> 00:08:34,849 Oh, Mr. Waltham. 143 00:08:34,849 --> 00:08:36,226 We need to talk. 144 00:08:36,226 --> 00:08:38,395 - Is everything okay? - Sit down. 145 00:08:39,771 --> 00:08:42,607 We have identified the source of the data breach. 146 00:08:43,358 --> 00:08:44,568 It's Kevin. 147 00:08:45,735 --> 00:08:48,363 Kevin leaked clients' personal information? 148 00:08:48,363 --> 00:08:49,573 Not exactly. 149 00:08:49,573 --> 00:08:51,700 The hackers installed malware in the bank's system 150 00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:56,288 via the deluge of pornographic films Kevin downloaded off of the internet. 151 00:08:56,288 --> 00:08:57,289 Oh. 152 00:08:58,498 --> 00:09:01,626 That's, um-- I can't even-- 153 00:09:01,626 --> 00:09:03,295 Kevin is denying everything. 154 00:09:04,170 --> 00:09:08,967 And if... I'm being honest, I'm inclined to believe him. 155 00:09:08,967 --> 00:09:12,470 There's no way that kid is bright enough to take down a network firewall. 156 00:09:12,470 --> 00:09:13,471 So... 157 00:09:15,932 --> 00:09:17,767 is there something you'd like to tell me? 158 00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:20,520 ♪ dissonant music plays ♪ 159 00:09:20,937 --> 00:09:23,148 [fire alarm sounds] 160 00:09:23,148 --> 00:09:25,358 Oh shit. What the hell is this? 161 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,904 What did you tell him? 162 00:09:28,904 --> 00:09:30,864 I didn't say anything. The fire alarm went off. 163 00:09:30,864 --> 00:09:33,658 That was me! I was buying us time. 164 00:09:33,658 --> 00:09:35,702 He left for the day for the cattle feed IPO road show. 165 00:09:35,702 --> 00:09:38,496 Well, now he just wants to meet with me first thing tomorrow morning. 166 00:09:39,247 --> 00:09:41,541 He's gonna know it was me, Kevin. He probably already does. 167 00:09:41,917 --> 00:09:44,794 I mean, it's true. You were the one who took down the firewall. 168 00:09:44,794 --> 00:09:46,171 Because you and Chad asked me to! 169 00:09:46,171 --> 00:09:48,506 What, what, what I'm saying is, no one's hands are clean here. 170 00:09:49,049 --> 00:09:52,802 Look... Chad is Dick's son. He's protected no matter what. 171 00:09:52,802 --> 00:09:54,137 Which leaves you and me. 172 00:09:54,971 --> 00:09:57,807 I can't go down for this. I have a family. 173 00:09:59,392 --> 00:10:00,393 You do? 174 00:10:00,393 --> 00:10:03,271 Yeah, man. Melissa and the twins? 175 00:10:03,271 --> 00:10:04,689 You never even mention them. 176 00:10:05,607 --> 00:10:06,608 Well, why would I? 177 00:10:06,608 --> 00:10:09,444 The point is, we could both lose everything here. 178 00:10:09,444 --> 00:10:11,321 We need a united front. 179 00:10:11,321 --> 00:10:12,948 Yeah, okay. 180 00:10:12,948 --> 00:10:14,783 Aside from the three of us, 181 00:10:15,909 --> 00:10:17,535 who's the only other witness? 182 00:10:19,704 --> 00:10:20,538 Chris. 183 00:10:21,665 --> 00:10:24,292 He's not one of us. You know that. 184 00:10:25,377 --> 00:10:28,004 He biffed the Pringles deal. 185 00:10:28,004 --> 00:10:29,548 His own lead. 186 00:10:29,548 --> 00:10:31,091 He has no future at the bank as it is. 187 00:10:31,091 --> 00:10:33,093 Either he loses the job now or six months from now. 188 00:10:33,093 --> 00:10:34,594 It doesn't matter. 189 00:10:35,845 --> 00:10:37,806 It matters to him. 190 00:10:37,806 --> 00:10:39,891 I thought you had what it takes for this job. 191 00:10:39,891 --> 00:10:42,018 - I do. - Then that settles it. 192 00:10:45,272 --> 00:10:47,274 ♪ 193 00:10:59,953 --> 00:11:03,373 Whoa, it's... it's big. 194 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:08,920 Yeah... it's technically a junior one-bedroom, 195 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,422 but pretty good size. 196 00:11:10,755 --> 00:11:12,883 And you're back in the, uh-- 197 00:11:13,508 --> 00:11:15,343 Junior one closet? 198 00:11:15,343 --> 00:11:17,262 [sighs] Um, 199 00:11:17,804 --> 00:11:19,806 - I finished my book. - Wow. 200 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,058 I'd love to read it. 201 00:11:22,684 --> 00:11:24,102 When you're ready to let me. 202 00:11:24,102 --> 00:11:25,437 You really don't have to. 203 00:11:26,062 --> 00:11:27,063 I would like to. 204 00:11:34,154 --> 00:11:37,157 I think I may have even found a publisher. 205 00:11:37,574 --> 00:11:42,037 I mean, they... have notes, you know, but, uh, a-all publishers do. 206 00:11:42,037 --> 00:11:45,749 - What are the notes? - Well, they think my 207 00:11:45,749 --> 00:11:49,211 main character is sort of... ugly? 208 00:11:49,794 --> 00:11:53,965 But it's, it's not a big deal. And it's a really great opportunity. 209 00:11:54,341 --> 00:11:56,218 Hm... how'd you land that? 210 00:11:57,469 --> 00:11:59,095 Through Ted. 211 00:11:59,804 --> 00:12:00,805 McGooch. 212 00:12:00,805 --> 00:12:04,434 It would be under his imprint. [Miguel chuckles] 213 00:12:04,434 --> 00:12:06,102 What a guy. 214 00:12:06,102 --> 00:12:07,896 Right... okay. 215 00:12:07,896 --> 00:12:10,440 So, you said you had something for me. 216 00:12:13,026 --> 00:12:14,861 My dad found these in my room. 217 00:12:20,825 --> 00:12:21,826 My slippers? 218 00:12:22,369 --> 00:12:25,580 That's why you called me? Is to give me back my slippers? 219 00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:28,166 Actually, I wanted to get your advice on something, 220 00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:30,293 but I'm not sure I really trust your judgment. 221 00:12:30,293 --> 00:12:31,294 Wow. 222 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:36,758 And here I thought you were calling to maybe, I don't know, apologize. 223 00:12:36,758 --> 00:12:38,426 And what would I be apologizing for? 224 00:12:38,426 --> 00:12:41,596 How about the fact that you fucking cheated on me, Miguel?! 225 00:12:41,596 --> 00:12:42,889 I explained this to you! [Yogurt barking] 226 00:12:42,889 --> 00:12:44,641 - Fiona came to me-- - Yeah. No, right, sorry. 227 00:12:44,641 --> 00:12:46,810 - She kissed you. - Oh, too bad you were stuck in Vermont 228 00:12:46,810 --> 00:12:48,520 returning your wedding dress to your fiancée. 229 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,022 Because remember, you were engaged, 230 00:12:51,022 --> 00:12:54,317 which you somehow forgot to mention to me in the five months we were dating. 231 00:12:54,317 --> 00:12:57,320 Yeah, I guess it's kind of like how you forgot to mention to me 232 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,740 that you were almost engaged to the woman that you cheated on me with! 233 00:13:00,740 --> 00:13:03,285 That's a pretty big difference! [barking, growling] 234 00:13:03,285 --> 00:13:05,120 - Jesus, Yogurt. No! Stop! - Hey, Yogurt! 235 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,454 Ow, fuck! 236 00:13:06,454 --> 00:13:08,373 Hey, shh. [barking] 237 00:13:08,707 --> 00:13:11,710 - It's okay... It's okay. You're okay. - Jesus Christ. No, it's fine. I'm fine. 238 00:13:11,710 --> 00:13:13,920 - I just-- - You're okay, you're okay. 239 00:13:14,796 --> 00:13:17,299 You're telling him it's okay? 240 00:13:17,299 --> 00:13:19,092 He's scared. He doesn't like people yelling. 241 00:13:19,092 --> 00:13:20,093 It freaks him out. 242 00:13:20,093 --> 00:13:22,012 He just fucking bit me, Miguel! 243 00:13:22,012 --> 00:13:23,847 - With his teeth. - Are you okay? 244 00:13:23,847 --> 00:13:25,432 Oh, my God. 245 00:13:25,432 --> 00:13:28,727 You know, I don't know what it is with you and your fucking psycho dog. 246 00:13:28,727 --> 00:13:31,646 There's nothing with me and my psycho dog. He's old. 247 00:13:31,646 --> 00:13:33,773 Okay, well, you two deserve each other. 248 00:13:33,773 --> 00:13:37,027 Oh, and by the way, congrats on the apartment. 249 00:13:37,027 --> 00:13:39,112 I hear it has great amenities! 250 00:13:39,112 --> 00:13:40,822 [door opens] 251 00:13:40,822 --> 00:13:42,949 [door closes] [Yogurt groans] 252 00:13:44,951 --> 00:13:47,954 ♪ solemn music playing ♪ 253 00:14:06,139 --> 00:14:07,807 ORSON: What are you doing? RENEE: Put that down. 254 00:14:07,807 --> 00:14:09,267 ROSIE: Do not read that. 255 00:14:09,267 --> 00:14:10,644 Hey, listen to me. 256 00:14:10,644 --> 00:14:13,271 Your career is on the line here, okay? 257 00:14:13,271 --> 00:14:15,482 Your future is on the line. 258 00:14:16,066 --> 00:14:18,068 We got a young man's life to destroy! 259 00:14:18,610 --> 00:14:21,238 In a good way. Of course. [laughs] 260 00:14:23,615 --> 00:14:24,824 Are you ignoring me? 261 00:14:26,117 --> 00:14:27,035 Hey! 262 00:14:27,035 --> 00:14:29,329 Hey, asshole. [laughs] Listen to me. 263 00:14:30,205 --> 00:14:31,414 I'm your best friend. 264 00:14:33,667 --> 00:14:35,669 [emotional] I'm your best friend, man. 265 00:14:37,754 --> 00:14:39,756 DICK: What the hell is going on? 266 00:14:39,756 --> 00:14:42,384 I've been waiting 20 minutes. We said 8:30. 267 00:14:46,179 --> 00:14:47,013 I did it. 268 00:14:49,349 --> 00:14:50,559 All of it. 269 00:15:02,862 --> 00:15:05,865 Let me guess, your dad found more slippers. 270 00:15:06,992 --> 00:15:10,245 I don't know what kind of changes the publishers are telling you to make, 271 00:15:10,245 --> 00:15:12,872 and it's... it's none of my business, 272 00:15:16,668 --> 00:15:17,711 but don't, 273 00:15:18,295 --> 00:15:19,921 don't change anything. 274 00:15:20,630 --> 00:15:22,841 Everyone tells Squid she's different. 275 00:15:24,926 --> 00:15:26,928 Everyone tells her she doesn't belong. 276 00:15:26,928 --> 00:15:30,223 All those voices... the way they stay with her, 277 00:15:30,223 --> 00:15:32,434 floating in her head, following her, 278 00:15:32,434 --> 00:15:35,103 saying "no" to her in a million different ways, 279 00:15:35,103 --> 00:15:37,439 until she... finally 280 00:15:38,732 --> 00:15:40,150 says "no" back. 281 00:15:41,651 --> 00:15:43,486 Whoever told you Squid was ugly, 282 00:15:44,529 --> 00:15:46,531 they don't see what I do. 283 00:15:46,865 --> 00:15:49,451 ♪ emotional music playing ♪ 284 00:16:14,351 --> 00:16:15,769 [door closes] 285 00:16:16,853 --> 00:16:18,188 Hi. 286 00:16:18,188 --> 00:16:20,190 Thank you so much for coming. 287 00:16:20,190 --> 00:16:21,191 I was in the area. 288 00:16:21,191 --> 00:16:24,402 My latex wholesaler is just around the block. 289 00:16:25,403 --> 00:16:26,863 For my New Year's suit. 290 00:16:26,863 --> 00:16:28,198 Right. 291 00:16:28,198 --> 00:16:29,032 Um... 292 00:16:29,824 --> 00:16:31,826 so I've made my decision. 293 00:16:32,369 --> 00:16:37,165 And I realize this could be a life-changing opportunity. 294 00:16:37,624 --> 00:16:38,833 Absolutely. 295 00:16:39,209 --> 00:16:41,628 But... the thing is, 296 00:16:42,295 --> 00:16:46,132 my life has already changed so much, 297 00:16:46,132 --> 00:16:48,510 which is exactly what I wanted. 298 00:16:48,510 --> 00:16:51,930 I wanted to change everything about myself. 299 00:16:51,930 --> 00:16:55,600 And I've listened to so many different people 300 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,228 telling me who I should be. 301 00:16:58,228 --> 00:16:59,938 Kinda like... Squid. 302 00:17:00,772 --> 00:17:06,194 Yeah, I listened to roommates, and essayists, and writing teachers, 303 00:17:06,194 --> 00:17:12,075 and marionette puppeteers slash drug dealers, and... you. 304 00:17:12,617 --> 00:17:15,620 And I finally realized 305 00:17:16,746 --> 00:17:20,750 I don't wanna be somebody else... anymore. 306 00:17:22,168 --> 00:17:26,006 And I don't want... Squid to be anybody else either. 307 00:17:27,424 --> 00:17:30,427 [sighs] Maybe she is ugly. 308 00:17:31,928 --> 00:17:34,139 Maybe nobody'll like her. 309 00:17:34,139 --> 00:17:36,975 But she is who she is. 310 00:17:38,143 --> 00:17:39,853 I can't change that. 311 00:17:41,563 --> 00:17:42,564 Okay. 312 00:17:43,982 --> 00:17:46,985 So, uh... what's the plan? 313 00:17:47,736 --> 00:17:50,739 Pound the pavement? Cold call publishers? 314 00:17:50,739 --> 00:17:54,159 I guess I'm... betting on me. 315 00:17:56,745 --> 00:17:58,747 How very New York of you. 316 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,921 Happy New Year. [door closes] 317 00:18:08,548 --> 00:18:09,966 [knocks on door] JORGE: Hey. 318 00:18:10,717 --> 00:18:13,845 What are you doin'? Everybody's askin' where you are. 319 00:18:13,845 --> 00:18:18,475 I was tryin' to figure out how much of my furniture I could fit in here. 320 00:18:19,434 --> 00:18:22,479 I may have to move back in, temporarily. 321 00:18:22,479 --> 00:18:23,688 I, um... 322 00:18:25,232 --> 00:18:26,441 I got fired. 323 00:18:27,734 --> 00:18:29,152 Oh, Mig. 324 00:18:32,822 --> 00:18:34,241 What happened? 325 00:18:34,241 --> 00:18:37,619 Uh, it's... it's complicated. 326 00:18:37,619 --> 00:18:39,829 Um... but 327 00:18:40,872 --> 00:18:42,082 it's fine. 328 00:18:42,582 --> 00:18:43,792 I'm fine. 329 00:18:44,709 --> 00:18:46,086 Which is funny. 330 00:18:46,086 --> 00:18:50,131 I've spent my whole life scared of losing things. 331 00:18:50,131 --> 00:18:54,135 And now, I've lost... pretty much everything. 332 00:18:54,844 --> 00:18:56,680 My job, Lindsay and-- 333 00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,559 I-I still don't understand what happened... with Lindsay. 334 00:19:00,559 --> 00:19:03,436 Everything seemed great and then-- 335 00:19:03,436 --> 00:19:06,648 It turned out, we didn't know each other as well as we thought we did. 336 00:19:07,941 --> 00:19:09,442 There were things she didn't tell me. 337 00:19:10,986 --> 00:19:12,487 Things I didn't tell her. 338 00:19:12,487 --> 00:19:14,906 Have you talked at all? 339 00:19:14,906 --> 00:19:18,118 She came over the other night to get her slippers, 340 00:19:19,202 --> 00:19:21,621 and... Yogurt bit her. 341 00:19:22,581 --> 00:19:23,582 I ended up-- 342 00:19:24,416 --> 00:19:27,210 I wasn't defending Yogurt, but-- 343 00:19:27,210 --> 00:19:28,628 Oh boy. 344 00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:33,383 ♪ muffled party music playing ♪ 345 00:19:39,139 --> 00:19:42,767 There was this day... a few weeks after Mom died. 346 00:19:43,935 --> 00:19:45,145 I came home from school, 347 00:19:45,145 --> 00:19:49,399 and... you were standing outside our old house, you remember? 348 00:19:49,399 --> 00:19:50,734 We had that red door. 349 00:19:51,610 --> 00:19:55,030 And you had this big smile on your face. 350 00:19:55,030 --> 00:19:59,242 I remember you said there was something incredible... inside, 351 00:19:59,242 --> 00:20:00,952 something that I was gonna love. 352 00:20:01,786 --> 00:20:05,123 And for a second, I thought maybe, 353 00:20:05,123 --> 00:20:07,042 maybe it's her 354 00:20:08,710 --> 00:20:10,253 behind the door. 355 00:20:12,047 --> 00:20:13,256 Waiting. 356 00:20:14,966 --> 00:20:16,718 Maybe my mom didn't die. 357 00:20:19,221 --> 00:20:24,226 And I opened the door, and... there was this little puppy 358 00:20:25,477 --> 00:20:27,479 in a cardboard box. 359 00:20:28,438 --> 00:20:30,065 And you said, 360 00:20:30,065 --> 00:20:32,734 “Diego already decided his name is Yogurt.” 361 00:20:36,488 --> 00:20:38,698 I guess he's not just a dog to me. 362 00:20:39,241 --> 00:20:41,117 Did ya tell Lindsay that? 363 00:20:43,328 --> 00:20:45,747 [chuckles] I'm glad I didn't 364 00:20:46,581 --> 00:20:48,208 'cause now she's gone. 365 00:20:50,210 --> 00:20:52,837 You have to... let people in. 366 00:20:53,463 --> 00:20:54,673 [scoffs] 367 00:20:54,673 --> 00:20:56,383 Okay. And then, what if-- 368 00:20:56,383 --> 00:20:59,386 What if... they leave? 369 00:21:00,178 --> 00:21:01,179 They do. 370 00:21:02,430 --> 00:21:04,432 What if they don't understand? 371 00:21:04,891 --> 00:21:06,101 They don't. 372 00:21:07,018 --> 00:21:08,228 What if they 373 00:21:09,104 --> 00:21:10,313 get sick? 374 00:21:13,316 --> 00:21:14,526 They might. 375 00:21:14,943 --> 00:21:18,572 But you can't spend your whole life locked up in your head. 376 00:21:19,656 --> 00:21:21,658 You have to trust someone. 377 00:21:29,457 --> 00:21:31,084 I'll see you out there? 378 00:21:33,169 --> 00:21:35,005 [indistinct chatter] 379 00:21:35,755 --> 00:21:37,382 [door closes] 380 00:21:45,557 --> 00:21:47,559 [Lindsay sighs] 381 00:21:54,024 --> 00:21:57,027 ♪ light music playing ♪ 382 00:22:25,263 --> 00:22:27,015 ♪ 383 00:22:31,645 --> 00:22:32,854 [chuckling] 384 00:22:44,532 --> 00:22:46,660 [indistinct chatter] 385 00:22:46,660 --> 00:22:48,995 Do you really think she's gonna be waiting for you? 386 00:22:48,995 --> 00:22:51,998 This is tragic. He's not going to be there, Linds. 387 00:22:51,998 --> 00:22:55,544 Bro, you should be at your dad's party grindin' on that chick Isabela. 388 00:22:55,544 --> 00:22:56,962 Don't care if she's your third cousin. 389 00:22:56,962 --> 00:22:58,129 Even for the end of the world, 390 00:22:58,129 --> 00:23:00,840 you're much too puffy to be seeing anyone else. 391 00:23:01,675 --> 00:23:04,052 BOTH: ♪ In all this crazy world ♪ 392 00:23:04,052 --> 00:23:07,889 ♪ There's one thing I am certain of ♪ 393 00:23:07,889 --> 00:23:13,895 ♪ For every hour and month and year that we are here to love ♪ 394 00:23:14,104 --> 00:23:17,190 ♪ Regardless of how much ♪ 395 00:23:17,190 --> 00:23:20,360 ♪ We talk, we tell, we touch ♪ 396 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:25,991 ♪ No matter what we suffer through ♪ 397 00:23:26,283 --> 00:23:29,494 ♪ I can never know you ♪ 398 00:23:29,494 --> 00:23:32,914 ♪ Can I ever know you ♪ 399 00:23:32,914 --> 00:23:35,375 ♪ We drive each other crazy ♪ 400 00:23:35,375 --> 00:23:38,879 BOTH: ♪ We defend and we attack ♪ 401 00:23:38,879 --> 00:23:44,593 ♪ But something stronger always seems to keep us coming back ♪ 402 00:23:44,968 --> 00:23:50,974 ♪ When you reveal to me a side I couldn't see ♪ 403 00:23:50,974 --> 00:23:56,396 ♪ I fall in love with someone new ♪ 404 00:23:56,396 --> 00:24:02,027 ♪ But can I ever know you ♪ JOAN/TOM: ♪ I can never ♪ 405 00:24:02,027 --> 00:24:05,906 ♪ Know you ♪ GROUP: ♪ I can never know you ♪ 406 00:24:05,906 --> 00:24:08,909 LINDSAY/MIGUEL: ♪ Can I ever know you ♪ 407 00:24:08,909 --> 00:24:14,915 GROUP: ♪ I can never know you ♪ OTHERS: ♪ Can I ever know ♪ 408 00:24:15,415 --> 00:24:21,421 BOTH: ♪ I want to keep on learning more and more and more and more ♪ 409 00:24:21,421 --> 00:24:27,427 ♪ A lifetime's not enough, but that is what a lifetime's for ♪ 410 00:24:27,427 --> 00:24:33,433 ♪ For your infinity feels like it's meant for me ♪ 411 00:24:33,433 --> 00:24:38,897 ♪ A streaming symphony I'll always listen to ♪ 412 00:24:38,897 --> 00:24:42,484 ♪ ‘Cause I can never know you ♪ 413 00:24:42,484 --> 00:24:45,487 ORSON/CELESTE: ♪ Can I ever know you ♪ 414 00:24:45,487 --> 00:24:48,365 GROUP: ♪ I can never know you ♪ 415 00:24:48,365 --> 00:24:51,034 LINDSAY/MIGUEL: ♪ Can I ever know you ♪ 416 00:24:51,034 --> 00:24:54,246 ♪ Please like me, I need you to like me ♪ 417 00:24:54,246 --> 00:24:57,082 RENEE/LISA/CARRIE: ♪ You don't belong in Manhattan ♪ 418 00:24:57,082 --> 00:25:00,544 - ♪ You don't belong in Queens ♪ - ♪ Gee, it's nice to really ♪ 419 00:25:00,544 --> 00:25:03,505 - ♪ Know someone ♪ - ♪ It's a sign, it's a sign ♪ 420 00:25:03,505 --> 00:25:04,714 ♪ You're a tiger ♪ 421 00:25:04,714 --> 00:25:08,927 - ♪ Could it be you, could it be you ♪ - ♪ Let me hear you roar ♪ 422 00:25:08,927 --> 00:25:11,972 - ♪ Who's my smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart ♪ - ♪ It's a sign ♪ 423 00:25:11,972 --> 00:25:14,391 - ♪ You have been called ♪ - ♪ It's a sign ♪ 424 00:25:14,391 --> 00:25:16,059 TED: ♪ You've not thought this through ♪ 425 00:25:16,059 --> 00:25:18,895 ♪ In so many ways ♪ JOAN: ♪ The truth is that ♪ 426 00:25:18,895 --> 00:25:21,606 JOAN/TOM: ♪ I can never know you ♪ 427 00:25:21,606 --> 00:25:24,943 LINDSAY/MIGUEL: ♪ I feel like I've always known you ♪ 428 00:25:24,943 --> 00:25:27,696 CELESTE/ORSON: ♪ I can never know you ♪ 429 00:25:27,696 --> 00:25:31,074 ♪ I feel like I've always known you ♪ 430 00:25:31,074 --> 00:25:33,660 ♪ I can never know you ♪ 431 00:25:33,660 --> 00:25:36,955 ♪ I feel like I've always ♪ 432 00:25:36,955 --> 00:25:41,543 BOTH: ♪ Can I ever know you ♪ 433 00:25:43,962 --> 00:25:45,046 So quiet. 434 00:25:45,797 --> 00:25:47,424 I was just thinking that. 435 00:25:47,424 --> 00:25:49,426 I have a lot of things to tell you. 436 00:25:50,635 --> 00:25:51,970 So much. 437 00:25:51,970 --> 00:25:55,015 Me too... Oh, but y-you go first. 438 00:25:55,015 --> 00:25:55,849 Well, 439 00:25:56,391 --> 00:25:59,519 maybe not, like, this exact... second. 440 00:26:01,354 --> 00:26:02,772 I love you. 441 00:26:04,858 --> 00:26:05,859 I love you. 442 00:26:08,194 --> 00:26:09,821 Have we said that yet? 443 00:26:10,488 --> 00:26:12,115 I was just thinking that. 444 00:26:12,115 --> 00:26:13,491 - [people cheering] - I feel like we did. 445 00:26:13,491 --> 00:26:15,368 I'm-I'm pretty sure I said it. 446 00:26:15,368 --> 00:26:17,996 You, you definitely sort of said it. [people counting down] 447 00:26:17,996 --> 00:26:20,999 [fireworks] CROWD: Happy New Year! 448 00:26:20,999 --> 00:26:22,626 [cheering] 449 00:26:31,009 --> 00:26:32,844 I guess it's a new millennium. 450 00:26:34,137 --> 00:26:35,764 The world didn't end. 451 00:26:36,890 --> 00:26:38,516 Not yet at least. 452 00:26:45,023 --> 00:26:47,025 ♪ 453 00:27:01,248 --> 00:27:03,250 ♪ 454 00:27:10,507 --> 00:27:12,133 - [Lindsay burps] - Ooh. 455 00:27:12,926 --> 00:27:16,471 Oh, my God. [laughs] I'm so sorry. 456 00:27:16,471 --> 00:27:20,141 - [laughs] Are you okay? - [laughs] Yes, I've just been, 457 00:27:20,141 --> 00:27:22,811 I've been having such terrible heartburn the last few weeks. 458 00:27:22,811 --> 00:27:25,897 And, like, also feeling really nauseous, 459 00:27:25,897 --> 00:27:27,899 but also, starving to death? 460 00:27:29,734 --> 00:27:32,195 What have I always said? 461 00:27:32,195 --> 00:27:37,033 Condoms have an efficacy rate of 98% until you account for human error. 462 00:27:37,033 --> 00:27:38,243 Oh, my God. 463 00:27:38,243 --> 00:27:40,662 - ROSIE: No, no, no! You're still a baby! - Oh, my God. 464 00:27:40,662 --> 00:27:43,707 RENEE: You're gonna be the worst dad. [voices overlapping] 465 00:27:43,707 --> 00:27:45,709 [indistinct chatter] 466 00:27:49,713 --> 00:27:52,340 [group screaming] 467 00:27:55,677 --> 00:27:57,679 ♪ 468 00:28:22,037 --> 00:28:24,039 ♪ 469 00:28:50,315 --> 00:28:52,317 ♪ 470 00:29:29,771 --> 00:29:32,774 [fanfare]