1 00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:14,763 This is a story from the year I was determined to lose my virginity. 2 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:18,418 Also known as "My Year of Dicks." 3 00:00:26,986 --> 00:00:28,677 Watch me right here! 4 00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:33,154 Dear David, the skater I know from riding the bus. 5 00:00:33,155 --> 00:00:36,918 As I watch you fall, all I can only think about how much I'm falling for you. 6 00:00:36,919 --> 00:00:39,734 Over and over your bones seem to yearn for freedom 7 00:00:39,735 --> 00:00:42,068 the way mine aches for your embrace. 8 00:00:42,526 --> 00:00:46,425 - He's such a doof! - He's not a doof! 9 00:00:46,827 --> 00:00:48,396 You know I can do this! 10 00:00:48,397 --> 00:00:51,377 I love how you file your nails into sharp points. 11 00:00:51,378 --> 00:00:53,495 Those tiny daggers of want! 12 00:00:53,496 --> 00:00:55,990 My friend Karina told me that you told her 13 00:00:55,991 --> 00:00:58,979 you did it so you could warn everyone you were a vampire. 14 00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:00,891 I need no such warning. 15 00:01:00,892 --> 00:01:03,386 In fact, I find this irresistible, 16 00:01:03,387 --> 00:01:06,903 as I am searching for the one who will take my first blood, 17 00:01:06,904 --> 00:01:08,613 inhale my innocence. 18 00:01:09,565 --> 00:01:12,006 Perhaps it will be you, immortal stranger. 19 00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:15,137 Are you okay? 20 00:01:15,138 --> 00:01:17,565 Yes, I like it when it bleeds. 21 00:01:17,566 --> 00:01:18,973 That's cool. 22 00:01:18,974 --> 00:01:20,819 I'm gonna teach you how to Ollie. 23 00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:23,534 Get on. 24 00:01:25,275 --> 00:01:27,977 Don't be afraid, just tilt your body like this... 25 00:01:28,431 --> 00:01:31,926 I am aflutter with the memories we're making at this juncture. 26 00:01:31,927 --> 00:01:36,226 Our bodies touching, moving, turning potential energy into... 27 00:01:36,427 --> 00:01:38,389 - She actually knows how to Ollie... - I'm fine, Sam! 28 00:01:39,603 --> 00:01:42,011 Hey, aren't your parents out of town? 29 00:01:42,012 --> 00:01:43,761 Yeah, how'd you know? 30 00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:47,073 I'd like to make sure you won't be alone tonight. 31 00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:49,953 Oh I'm not, my little sister is there, you know? 32 00:01:49,954 --> 00:01:53,351 I'm watching her, so I'm not alone, don't worry... 33 00:01:53,353 --> 00:01:56,141 oh fuck, you mean... you... 34 00:01:57,995 --> 00:02:00,613 Shit, that's some easy fucking money! 35 00:02:00,614 --> 00:02:01,883 Perfect. 36 00:02:04,575 --> 00:02:05,880 I can come in? 37 00:02:09,953 --> 00:02:11,492 Can I go to your room? 38 00:02:13,793 --> 00:02:15,456 Your parents are awesome! 39 00:02:15,457 --> 00:02:17,094 They don't even hide their booze! 40 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,251 Theres also Tom Collins mix. 41 00:02:19,652 --> 00:02:20,880 This will work! 42 00:02:23,849 --> 00:02:26,854 - Oh? My ex-boyfriend is here. 43 00:02:31,029 --> 00:02:32,405 No 44 00:02:33,171 --> 00:02:34,873 My dearest Clinton... 45 00:02:36,976 --> 00:02:40,309 I hope it is not taxing on your heart to watch me take a new lover 46 00:02:40,310 --> 00:02:42,957 so soon after our entanglement at first base. 47 00:02:43,158 --> 00:02:46,615 We are young, but the cruelty of time dictates I must move on, 48 00:02:46,616 --> 00:02:50,066 until I find a sensual gardener who will clip my virginal roots, 49 00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:52,059 and let me soar into womanhood. 50 00:02:52,460 --> 00:02:55,120 But remember, you broke up with me! 51 00:02:55,486 --> 00:02:57,092 It was beyond my control. 52 00:02:57,565 --> 00:02:59,137 Let's go exploring! 53 00:02:59,438 --> 00:03:02,286 What's up! My mom has this carpet! 54 00:03:11,922 --> 00:03:13,175 Right. 55 00:03:13,519 --> 00:03:14,823 Fuck this! 56 00:03:16,722 --> 00:03:19,436 I need to tell you something before we keep going. 57 00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,361 - I'm a virgin. - That's okay... 58 00:03:22,362 --> 00:03:24,919 And... I'm on my period. 59 00:03:38,254 --> 00:03:39,607 Are you mad at me? 60 00:03:46,665 --> 00:03:49,484 Hey. Did you make out with him just now? Is that where you all went? 61 00:03:49,685 --> 00:03:51,498 - Why? Are you jealous? 62 00:03:51,588 --> 00:03:54,046 No! Made him win, five to four! 63 00:03:54,777 --> 00:03:58,566 Wait, maybe I can say you don't count because we both told you! 64 00:03:58,567 --> 00:04:00,023 That would make it... 65 00:04:00,024 --> 00:04:02,456 Fuck, now he's four to three! 66 00:04:02,457 --> 00:04:05,215 - Thanks a lot, slut. - How much did he win? 67 00:04:05,216 --> 00:04:07,358 Two dollars and 58 cents. 68 00:04:10,064 --> 00:04:12,343 It's a stupid fucking contest. 69 00:04:12,344 --> 00:04:13,772 How'd those girls find out? 70 00:04:13,773 --> 00:04:15,275 He made out with them too. 71 00:04:15,276 --> 00:04:19,250 Dumbass put the exact same apology note in both their locker. 72 00:04:19,251 --> 00:04:20,853 They're best friends! 73 00:04:20,854 --> 00:04:22,643 God, what an idiot! 74 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:27,733 Isn't it worse that it was a bet? 75 00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:30,516 No, Sam, it's worse that I didn't get a letter. 76 00:04:31,218 --> 00:04:33,652 Can I borrow five dollars and sixteen cents? 77 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,475 I'm worth double, bitch! 78 00:04:51,868 --> 00:04:54,588 This is a story of the year I tried to lose my virginity. 79 00:04:54,689 --> 00:04:57,028 Also known as "My Year of Dicks." 80 00:05:02,161 --> 00:05:03,782 My God... 81 00:05:11,259 --> 00:05:13,192 - Go to bed. - Okay. 82 00:05:13,193 --> 00:05:15,884 And whatever you're watching... Cut it out. 83 00:05:15,885 --> 00:05:17,919 - It's an art film. - Yeah. 84 00:05:18,825 --> 00:05:21,079 - Did you ask her about the tape? - No. 85 00:05:24,186 --> 00:05:25,947 Good evening my love. 86 00:05:25,948 --> 00:05:27,831 I am Pamela. 87 00:05:27,832 --> 00:05:29,676 I'm sorry. 88 00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:32,439 I am only Latin too, 89 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:38,182 Ergo, I am not... How do you say fluent in French? 90 00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:43,701 But I am determined to speak French. 91 00:05:43,702 --> 00:05:45,329 Why, I love you Wally. 92 00:05:45,330 --> 00:05:47,900 Even though I've only seen him once in real life 93 00:05:47,901 --> 00:05:50,082 and I heard it once on the phone with my friend. 94 00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,235 Yes, Pamela! 95 00:05:51,236 --> 00:05:53,590 A petite messy hair when its see. 96 00:05:53,591 --> 00:05:55,610 An object of obsession! 97 00:05:55,611 --> 00:05:58,802 Your focus on my pleasure is the most superb! 98 00:05:58,803 --> 00:06:00,473 - Yes. - Yes yes! 99 00:06:00,474 --> 00:06:03,607 We'll meet at the cinema, at your place of business. 100 00:06:03,608 --> 00:06:06,899 Pure chance that your lips find my flesh in the world of... 101 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,304 Hey! 102 00:06:10,091 --> 00:06:12,739 Where is "Cool as Ice"? Where is it? 103 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:17,181 the only reason why I came here was to talk shit about "Cool as Ice" after it was over. 104 00:06:17,182 --> 00:06:20,038 Okay, Wally said "House Party 2", I fucked up. 105 00:06:20,039 --> 00:06:22,021 But he said we could come, right? 106 00:06:22,022 --> 00:06:23,309 He told you to bring us. 107 00:06:24,010 --> 00:06:27,250 Yes, he can get us into any movie after it started. 108 00:06:26,851 --> 00:06:29,499 Two! He can get us into two movies after the movie started. 109 00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:31,950 Because this bullshit theater only plays two movies. 110 00:06:31,951 --> 00:06:34,359 - We can see the other. - I've seen it. 111 00:06:34,706 --> 00:06:36,234 I'm cultured, Pam. 112 00:06:40,628 --> 00:06:43,171 Hello, my little darling. 113 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:46,373 Thanks. 114 00:06:47,269 --> 00:06:49,522 ...in chemistry I'm trying to improve, and failing. 115 00:07:10,727 --> 00:07:14,464 Dear first penis ever in my hand, 116 00:07:14,465 --> 00:07:17,124 This was unexpected, I... 117 00:07:17,125 --> 00:07:19,571 You feel unlike anything I thought you would, 118 00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:23,196 you feel inhuman, plastic, like you're made of doll parts. 119 00:07:23,197 --> 00:07:27,352 I can't see you, and I do not want to. 120 00:07:27,808 --> 00:07:30,173 How am I supposed to like this? 121 00:07:30,174 --> 00:07:32,604 - What do I even do now? -Put it in his mouth. 122 00:07:32,605 --> 00:07:34,340 - My God! - What do I do? 123 00:07:34,341 --> 00:07:36,307 - Put it in your mouth! - I don't know! 124 00:07:36,908 --> 00:07:40,080 No, if I do this, I will die here! 125 00:07:40,081 --> 00:07:42,552 Don't die, I will die if you die! 126 00:07:42,553 --> 00:07:44,009 - I don't... - Okay. 127 00:07:52,109 --> 00:07:53,878 Why doesn't it feel right? 128 00:07:53,879 --> 00:07:55,909 What am I not to you that I can be? 129 00:07:57,401 --> 00:07:59,279 - You are so lucky! - I know. 130 00:08:00,162 --> 00:08:02,454 - Yes! - How can you say that? 131 00:08:02,455 --> 00:08:05,353 - She's looking for love! - No, love is useless! 132 00:08:05,354 --> 00:08:09,660 Invisible, but sex is sticky, dirty, needy! 133 00:08:09,206 --> 00:08:11,589 Remember it's the sex that you're after, Pamela. 134 00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:15,310 - You can say no! - Tell him no, he will only want you more. 135 00:08:15,311 --> 00:08:17,545 But is it me he's wanting? 136 00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:22,297 Come on, my break is almost over, can you just let me do this? 137 00:08:22,298 --> 00:08:24,548 - Do what? - Fuck you. 138 00:08:24,549 --> 00:08:26,091 - No? - What's the problem? 139 00:08:26,092 --> 00:08:28,049 What's wrong with the touch of a stranger? 140 00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:29,881 - She's a virgin. - She needs to get over it. 141 00:08:29,882 --> 00:08:32,475 - She needs to push past this asshole! - Why won't he look at me? 142 00:08:32,476 --> 00:08:34,140 Because he's not me, Pam! 143 00:08:34,141 --> 00:08:37,379 You are me! Raise! 144 00:08:37,380 --> 00:08:39,220 Get up and run, now! 145 00:08:41,696 --> 00:08:43,099 Fuckin' prude! 146 00:08:43,711 --> 00:08:45,180 Where were you? 147 00:08:45,284 --> 00:08:46,660 Uhh... I got lost. 148 00:08:49,474 --> 00:08:50,876 This place sucks. 149 00:08:52,429 --> 00:08:55,971 - What? Sam? - Oh my God, what the fuck? 150 00:08:57,807 --> 00:08:59,867 Clean up your fucking mess, dude! 151 00:09:02,798 --> 00:09:04,173 Sorry! 152 00:09:04,382 --> 00:09:06,204 Goodbye, fool! 153 00:09:09,060 --> 00:09:10,472 Do you know how I felt back there? 154 00:09:10,931 --> 00:09:12,222 Cool as ice! 155 00:09:15,765 --> 00:09:17,889 Get it? Like the movie we're trying to see, 156 00:09:17,435 --> 00:09:20,215 but failed cuz' this movie theater fucking sucks! 157 00:09:28,730 --> 00:09:32,188 Hey, I'm Pam, I'm fifteen, trying to lose my virginity. 158 00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:35,522 Anyway, here's "My Year of Dicks." 159 00:09:47,903 --> 00:09:50,126 I have always wanted to be the kind of couple 160 00:09:50,127 --> 00:09:53,047 who touches each other even when it's too hot to be alive. 161 00:09:54,704 --> 00:09:57,402 And now, that's my real life! 162 00:09:57,706 --> 00:09:59,687 Thanks to you, sweet Robert! 163 00:09:59,991 --> 00:10:03,073 The boy who really loves to hold my hand. 164 00:10:03,364 --> 00:10:05,638 Like, all the time! 165 00:10:06,034 --> 00:10:08,508 I've never felt so cute in all my... 166 00:10:08,850 --> 00:10:10,904 Fuck, it's hot as balls out here! 167 00:10:10,905 --> 00:10:13,205 Yeah, It's Houston, it's summer. 168 00:10:13,206 --> 00:10:14,943 Hey, is it cool if I sit with you this time? 169 00:10:15,244 --> 00:10:16,987 The last dude I was stuck with was a screamer. 170 00:10:17,188 --> 00:10:18,152 - I scream... 171 00:10:18,153 --> 00:10:19,852 Yeah... But you I can tell you to shut up. 172 00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:22,208 - Shut up! - Okay. 173 00:10:22,409 --> 00:10:23,410 What are we doing? 174 00:10:23,411 --> 00:10:24,850 Are we shoving Sam? 175 00:10:25,051 --> 00:10:27,298 I don't need to know why, I'll shove Sam all day. 176 00:10:27,299 --> 00:10:28,558 Shit! 177 00:10:28,559 --> 00:10:31,678 Guys, I'm having the best day ever... 178 00:10:41,483 --> 00:10:42,730 Woo! Yes! 179 00:10:45,703 --> 00:10:47,955 Hey, it's not my fault! 180 00:10:48,642 --> 00:10:50,167 Hey! Get off me! 181 00:10:54,241 --> 00:10:56,254 What are you doing over here? I couldn't find you. 182 00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:58,630 I gotta call my mom and tell her what time to pick us up. 183 00:10:58,631 --> 00:11:01,091 Not yet, okay? Let's stay until dark. 184 00:11:02,254 --> 00:11:04,377 - Birds are stupid. - No they're not, Sam. 185 00:11:04,378 --> 00:11:06,261 Most birds mate for life. 186 00:11:06,262 --> 00:11:08,467 Their relationships matter to them. 187 00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:12,574 Like, how nobody believes that Big Bird's best friend, Mr. Snuffleupagus 188 00:11:12,575 --> 00:11:17,552 actually existed, but he knew he was real. He never doubted! 189 00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:21,996 Then one day, the people making the show realized that they're teaching kids 190 00:11:21,997 --> 00:11:25,863 that adults don't always believe you when you tell them big secrets. 191 00:11:25,864 --> 00:11:28,908 So they made everybody see Mr. Snuffleupagus 192 00:11:28,909 --> 00:11:33,341 and then they all apologized to Big Bird, one by one. 193 00:11:33,342 --> 00:11:37,343 Isn't that kind? Do you remember that? 194 00:11:39,910 --> 00:11:41,208 Pam? 195 00:11:42,256 --> 00:11:44,327 Do you think... 196 00:11:45,053 --> 00:11:47,832 - That Big Bird is a real bird? - Shut up! 197 00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:51,847 Come on, it's adorable! So what? You think Big Bird is a real bird. 198 00:11:55,081 --> 00:12:00,364 Dear Robert. As we lift off, so too does my heart take giddy flight. 199 00:12:00,388 --> 00:12:02,718 Get your perfect face ready! 200 00:12:08,024 --> 00:12:11,345 I love how you let me control the pace, the urgency... 201 00:12:12,965 --> 00:12:15,543 I love how we tell each other what we want. 202 00:12:33,668 --> 00:12:38,038 We never even fought, okay? Not even once! 203 00:12:38,063 --> 00:12:40,499 Maybe he wanted to end it before you did have a fight. 204 00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:42,762 That's what he said in the parking lot. 205 00:12:43,485 --> 00:12:47,913 He said that we were better as friends, and... I just don't get it, okay! 206 00:12:47,914 --> 00:12:52,571 Tell me the truth, did I do anything? Did you see me do something stupid? 207 00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:55,901 I don't know, did you mean tonight, or are we talking about years? 208 00:12:55,947 --> 00:12:59,037 - Shut up! - Gross, you just snotted on me! 209 00:12:59,038 --> 00:13:00,148 No, i didn't! 210 00:13:00,149 --> 00:13:02,090 You did, look! It's on my face. 211 00:13:03,747 --> 00:13:05,227 I don't see anything. 212 00:13:22,595 --> 00:13:24,238 - Maybe not. - It's okay. 213 00:13:25,378 --> 00:13:27,406 - You don't have to do that. - No, I know. 214 00:13:28,964 --> 00:13:31,460 - I mean don't-- Don't do that. - It's okay. 215 00:13:32,529 --> 00:13:35,776 No! I'm telling you "no", okay? 216 00:13:36,332 --> 00:13:37,576 Yeah. 217 00:13:37,577 --> 00:13:39,962 My mom has been waiting long enough, let's go. 218 00:13:42,951 --> 00:13:44,409 Sam, wait! 219 00:13:59,954 --> 00:14:03,116 Hi again, it's me! Still a virgin! 220 00:14:03,168 --> 00:14:05,519 Anyways, you know, "My Year of Dicks" 221 00:14:14,686 --> 00:14:17,033 I'm a monster! 222 00:14:17,368 --> 00:14:20,315 Crawling through the halls, I haunt! 223 00:14:20,671 --> 00:14:22,467 I harm! 224 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:26,195 I have damaged another! 225 00:14:26,695 --> 00:14:30,877 I hurt my best friend, I lost my love! 226 00:14:31,387 --> 00:14:34,808 Writing without a muse, when will there be... 227 00:14:35,936 --> 00:14:37,921 I can't, I don't know when my father arrives, 228 00:14:37,922 --> 00:14:40,536 my mom is working tonight and Natalie is asleep! 229 00:14:40,537 --> 00:14:41,743 - I'll pick you up! - No, Karina! 230 00:14:41,844 --> 00:14:43,738 - Just come, and I... - I'm not... 231 00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:48,505 Hey! Okay, okay, look... You'll be home by two, I promise. 232 00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:50,863 - I'm Pam! - I don't care. 233 00:14:51,064 --> 00:14:53,645 If you want your ten bucks, be nice to my friend. 234 00:14:53,646 --> 00:14:56,010 She just got dumped, you fucking douche. 235 00:14:56,011 --> 00:14:57,865 Being single is cool, Pam. 236 00:14:57,866 --> 00:15:01,156 - It doesn't seem nice to be alone. - You are not alone! 237 00:15:01,157 --> 00:15:05,277 You're with me, we're both gonna walk up to this this party, like two single bitches, 238 00:15:05,278 --> 00:15:06,525 who know what's up. 239 00:15:06,526 --> 00:15:08,697 I don't think I like being called a bitch. 240 00:15:08,698 --> 00:15:12,394 - Pam, listen! Just be cool! - Okay, I'm fine! I'm cool! 241 00:15:12,395 --> 00:15:13,706 I'm a cool bitch! 242 00:15:25,786 --> 00:15:28,172 Oh my God, Karina, there's drugs here, that is actual cocaine! 243 00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:31,098 You said Kelly's mom would be here. 244 00:15:31,099 --> 00:15:34,542 Kelly's mother is in the bedroom committing consensual statutory rape 245 00:15:34,543 --> 00:15:36,428 with some dude named Scott. 246 00:15:36,429 --> 00:15:40,579 "The bedroom"? Like, there's only one? Where does Kelly sleep? 247 00:15:40,580 --> 00:15:42,763 Oh shit, are you CPS? 248 00:15:43,952 --> 00:15:45,541 - No, why? - What is your name? 249 00:15:45,542 --> 00:15:49,300 - I'm Pam. - Weird name, Pam. I'm Joey. 250 00:15:49,301 --> 00:15:51,956 Don't ask me if I want a beer, because I'm Straight Edge. 251 00:15:51,957 --> 00:15:56,344 I don't drink alcohol, do drugs, or even like... have a coke. 252 00:15:56,345 --> 00:15:59,368 - Because of antibiotics? - Because it's hardcore! 253 00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:02,065 I'm pure and I like extremes! 254 00:16:02,414 --> 00:16:04,228 - Okay. - Come see! 255 00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:19,099 Where is she, Karina! Karina! 256 00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:21,753 Fuck, my mom is here, you have to hide. 257 00:16:21,754 --> 00:16:24,154 If my mom sees I took you here, I'm in so much more trouble. 258 00:16:24,555 --> 00:16:26,291 - Why? - She thinks I'm a bad influence. 259 00:16:26,292 --> 00:16:27,747 Can you fit under the sink please? 260 00:16:27,748 --> 00:16:29,063 But I don't... 261 00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:32,476 - Why are you doing here? - Mom, please. I'm sorry! 262 00:16:32,477 --> 00:16:34,708 It is much too late for sorries! 263 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:50,701 If anyone wants to give me a ride home, I don't live far I think. 264 00:16:59,391 --> 00:17:01,248 - Here. - Thanks. 265 00:17:08,571 --> 00:17:10,140 - Yes? - Get out of my bed. 266 00:17:10,141 --> 00:17:13,255 - I'll take you home in the morning. - Thanks. 267 00:17:15,046 --> 00:17:18,052 Oh, your boots are still on, are you cold? 268 00:17:18,053 --> 00:17:21,265 I never take them off, they are part of me. 269 00:17:21,566 --> 00:17:24,115 Oh yes... 270 00:17:28,973 --> 00:17:31,426 Dear Straight Edge Joey, 271 00:17:31,644 --> 00:17:34,761 I guess sometimes you can't predict how love will find you. 272 00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:40,394 Your kindness tonight has shown me there's is no reason to fear what comes next. 273 00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:44,628 I love your eyes, they're so blue. 274 00:17:45,158 --> 00:17:47,009 And your hair is perfect. 275 00:17:47,546 --> 00:17:50,143 Your skin is red, it's just right. 276 00:17:50,907 --> 00:17:52,674 So pure! 277 00:17:53,626 --> 00:17:56,133 That's right, so pure. 278 00:17:56,134 --> 00:18:00,117 I should lose my purity to someone who admires exactly that. 279 00:18:01,826 --> 00:18:05,853 Besides, isn't it the virgin who is always killed in these things? 280 00:18:06,446 --> 00:18:08,946 Let's tell him what a gift he's receiving. 281 00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:12,300 Joey, I wanted you to know that I'm a virgin. 282 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,171 You'll be my first. 283 00:18:15,209 --> 00:18:18,949 Oh Christ, I-- I'm not... I'm not important enough for that. 284 00:18:19,050 --> 00:18:20,436 Fuck! 285 00:18:21,977 --> 00:18:23,549 Good night Kim. 286 00:18:24,676 --> 00:18:27,226 You know, if you were 5% dumber, 287 00:18:27,227 --> 00:18:29,776 you wouldn't get into half the stupid shit I've seen you do. 288 00:18:29,777 --> 00:18:30,996 Okay. 289 00:18:30,997 --> 00:18:34,080 Karina is always going on about how you're so funny and you're so great, 290 00:18:34,081 --> 00:18:37,606 but you almost fucked a nazi skinhead on my carpet last night, so... 291 00:18:37,607 --> 00:18:41,021 - Who's the total dumbass? It's you! - What? No, I did not do that! 292 00:18:41,022 --> 00:18:44,265 I didn't do that! I. Did. Not. Do. That! I would not. 293 00:18:44,366 --> 00:18:49,580 Yeah dude, he's a fuckin' racist piece of shit, fuckin' turd licking white power, stupid ass inbred, ignorant flag fucker, is what he is... 294 00:18:49,681 --> 00:18:52,961 And I've seen that dude shoot heroin, so fuck his big ass Straight Edge bullshit 295 00:18:52,962 --> 00:18:56,826 all the way to the double cheeseburgers, he probably eats in the closet while he jacks off and then drinks his 296 00:18:56,827 --> 00:19:00,861 own jizz because he's so pure of mind, or whatever the fuck he's always going on... 297 00:19:00,862 --> 00:19:03,845 Okay, okay, Kelly! Oh my God! 298 00:19:03,846 --> 00:19:05,875 Okay, Nazi-almost-fucker. 299 00:19:06,487 --> 00:19:08,529 Dad, I'm grounded. 300 00:19:08,530 --> 00:19:10,206 Is that Pam? 301 00:19:15,414 --> 00:19:18,325 Hey, you know... 302 00:19:18,683 --> 00:19:20,329 The whole thing... 303 00:19:20,330 --> 00:19:22,300 Sorry, "My Year of Dicks" 304 00:19:25,923 --> 00:19:28,186 Sneaking out of the house to go to party with boys. 305 00:19:28,187 --> 00:19:29,938 Never I thought you'd do that. 306 00:19:31,342 --> 00:19:35,269 Well, the good thing about you being grounded is that you get to spend time with me on my time off. 307 00:19:35,270 --> 00:19:37,091 I get to keep you all to myself. 308 00:19:38,466 --> 00:19:39,705 What are these? 309 00:19:39,706 --> 00:19:42,391 - Are these love letters? - They're mine! 310 00:19:42,392 --> 00:19:44,711 It's from high school, so embarrassing. 311 00:19:44,712 --> 00:19:47,968 I should burn these! Promise me you'll never read these. 312 00:19:50,916 --> 00:19:55,166 Dear Mom, it's moments like these I'm reminded you were once young like me. 313 00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:57,810 Maybe a lot like me, and now we're here. 314 00:19:57,811 --> 00:20:03,852 Having a quiet private moment where maybe we can share something honest and real. 315 00:20:03,853 --> 00:20:06,260 - Oh, Richard. - I could use your help. 316 00:20:07,532 --> 00:20:09,849 Mom, can I ask you a question? 317 00:20:11,885 --> 00:20:14,378 How old were you when you first had sex? 318 00:20:15,674 --> 00:20:18,193 - Shut up! You shut the fuck up! - Mom! 319 00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:20,831 I'm not... Oh, I'm not... You shut up... 320 00:20:20,832 --> 00:20:22,256 What? 321 00:20:23,299 --> 00:20:28,136 - Pamela, your father would like to speak with you. - Oh my God, Mom, no! No! 322 00:20:35,547 --> 00:20:39,743 Your mother tells me you're thinking about having sex. 323 00:20:39,744 --> 00:20:42,419 Dad, no, I wasn't! I was trying to have a... 324 00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:43,731 Regardless... 325 00:20:43,932 --> 00:20:47,127 What makes you think you'd like sex? 326 00:20:47,842 --> 00:20:49,767 They like it on TV. 327 00:20:49,768 --> 00:20:52,509 True, but that's not reality. 328 00:20:52,810 --> 00:20:54,770 Let me ask you something: 329 00:20:55,059 --> 00:20:56,917 Have you ever had an orgasm? 330 00:20:57,095 --> 00:20:58,334 What? 331 00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:04,277 No! No! No, Dad, no! 332 00:21:04,756 --> 00:21:07,690 So you've never masturbated or anything? 333 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:13,146 No, no, no. No! 334 00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:19,308 Well, Pamela, let me tell you, women don't actually like having sex. 335 00:21:21,506 --> 00:21:24,497 They like the kisses beforehand, and the hugging... 336 00:21:24,498 --> 00:21:26,570 - No, no, no! - And the cuddling after. 337 00:21:26,571 --> 00:21:32,238 But the actual penetration is actually quite unpleasant for a woman. 338 00:21:32,239 --> 00:21:38,324 Now your mother gets wet easily, and the penis doesn't actually know the difference between 339 00:21:38,325 --> 00:21:40,765 a vagina and a rubber doll. 340 00:21:40,766 --> 00:21:44,004 The male desire can be fulfilled quite easily 341 00:21:44,005 --> 00:21:47,053 without women having to suffer 342 00:21:47,054 --> 00:21:52,263 through the rather painful and humiliating act of coitus. 343 00:21:52,264 --> 00:21:55,273 That's why I think you should start with oral sex. 344 00:21:55,274 --> 00:22:00,192 It has fewer complications, and it won't ruin your chances at a future. 345 00:22:00,892 --> 00:22:02,410 Good talk. 346 00:22:10,254 --> 00:22:12,790 - So what did he say? - Please don't make me tell you. 347 00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:14,991 - That's fair. - It's fair. 348 00:22:16,956 --> 00:22:18,257 Hi. 349 00:22:18,258 --> 00:22:21,044 I'd like to spend this whole day saying "I'm sorry" to you. 350 00:22:32,256 --> 00:22:35,205 Oh my God, Sam! What are you... 351 00:22:35,206 --> 00:22:36,746 I don't want to mess this up! 352 00:22:36,747 --> 00:22:38,964 - Please, just... - You're so naked! 353 00:22:38,965 --> 00:22:40,544 It's for a point, I promise. 354 00:22:40,825 --> 00:22:42,145 Okay... 355 00:22:44,201 --> 00:22:49,016 Dear Pamela, I wanted to talk to you in the way you talk to others. 356 00:22:49,017 --> 00:22:51,816 I know what words matter to you and... 357 00:22:51,817 --> 00:22:53,894 You matter to me and I... 358 00:22:55,882 --> 00:22:58,940 No, I'm not reading that part, that's so fucking stupid, hang on... 359 00:23:01,564 --> 00:23:03,375 Okay, uh sorry... 360 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,969 Oh no sorry, please stay here! Just... 361 00:23:09,363 --> 00:23:11,877 You've been with some dickhole shitbags 362 00:23:11,878 --> 00:23:14,059 and not one of them has been good enough for you. 363 00:23:14,331 --> 00:23:15,829 I don't know if anybody is. 364 00:23:16,402 --> 00:23:19,196 But you, are good enough. 365 00:23:21,364 --> 00:23:23,522 You're hot, smart, funny, 366 00:23:23,523 --> 00:23:26,798 and you are already more of a woman than any girl I know... 367 00:23:28,284 --> 00:23:29,822 Oh no! 368 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,083 - I am cold. - I can tell. 369 00:23:38,896 --> 00:23:41,026 - Here. - Thanks. 370 00:23:44,638 --> 00:23:45,929 Okay. 371 00:23:45,930 --> 00:23:47,353 Are you warm now? 372 00:23:47,354 --> 00:23:48,570 Gettin' there. 373 00:23:50,318 --> 00:23:51,617 Will this fit me? 374 00:23:53,292 --> 00:23:55,639 - There! - I'm warm enough now. 375 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,671 Here, give me your hands. 376 00:24:05,719 --> 00:24:07,046 I love you. 377 00:24:10,686 --> 00:24:13,313 - I can come in? - Please come in.