This is a story from the year I was determined to lose my virginity.
Also known as "My Year of Dicks."
Watch me right here!
Dear David, the skater I know from riding the bus.
As I watch you fall, all I can only think about how much I'm falling for you.
Over and over your bones seem to yearn for freedom
the way mine aches for your embrace.
- He's such a doof! - He's not a doof!
You know I can do this!
I love how you file your nails into sharp points.
Those tiny daggers of want!
My friend Karina told me that you told her
you did it so you could warn everyone you were a vampire.
I need no such warning.
In fact, I find this irresistible,
as I am searching for the one who will take my first blood,
inhale my innocence.
Perhaps it will be you, immortal stranger.
Are you okay?
Yes, I like it when it bleeds.
That's cool.
I'm gonna teach you how to Ollie.
Get on.
Don't be afraid, just tilt your body like this...
I am aflutter with the memories we're making at this juncture.
Our bodies touching, moving, turning potential energy into...
- She actually knows how to Ollie... - I'm fine, Sam!
Hey, aren't your parents out of town?
Yeah, how'd you know?
I'd like to make sure you won't be alone tonight.
Oh I'm not, my little sister is there, you know?
I'm watching her, so I'm not alone, don't worry...
oh fuck, you mean... you...
Shit, that's some easy fucking money!
Perfect.
I can come in?
Can I go to your room?
Your parents are awesome!
They don't even hide their booze!
Theres also Tom Collins mix.
This will work!
- Oh? My ex-boyfriend is here.
No
My dearest Clinton...
I hope it is not taxing on your heart to watch me take a new lover
so soon after our entanglement at first base.
We are young, but the cruelty of time dictates I must move on,
until I find a sensual gardener who will clip my virginal roots,
and let me soar into womanhood.
But remember, you broke up with me!
It was beyond my control.
Let's go exploring!
What's up! My mom has this carpet!
Right.
Fuck this!
I need to tell you something before we keep going.
- I'm a virgin. - That's okay...
And... I'm on my period.
Are you mad at me?
Hey. Did you make out with him just now? Is that where you all went?
- Why? Are you jealous?
No! Made him win, five to four!
Wait, maybe I can say you don't count because we both told you!
That would make it...
Fuck, now he's four to three!
- Thanks a lot, slut. - How much did he win?
Two dollars and 58 cents.
It's a stupid fucking contest.
How'd those girls find out?
He made out with them too.
Dumbass put the exact same apology note in both their locker.
They're best friends!
God, what an idiot!
Isn't it worse that it was a bet?
No, Sam, it's worse that I didn't get a letter.
Can I borrow five dollars and sixteen cents?
I'm worth double, bitch!
This is a story of the year I tried to lose my virginity.
Also known as "My Year of Dicks."
My God...
- Go to bed. - Okay.
And whatever you're watching... Cut it out.
- It's an art film. - Yeah.
- Did you ask her about the tape? - No.
Good evening my love.
I am Pamela.
I'm sorry.
I am only Latin too,
Ergo, I am not... How do you say fluent in French?
But I am determined to speak French.
Why, I love you Wally.
Even though I've only seen him once in real life
and I heard it once on the phone with my friend.
Yes, Pamela!
A petite messy hair when its see.
An object of obsession!
Your focus on my pleasure is the most superb!
- Yes. - Yes yes!
We'll meet at the cinema, at your place of business.
Pure chance that your lips find my flesh in the world of...
Hey!
Where is "Cool as Ice"? Where is it?
the only reason why I came here was to talk shit about "Cool as Ice" after it was over.
Okay, Wally said "House Party 2", I fucked up.
But he said we could come, right?
He told you to bring us.
Yes, he can get us into any movie after it started.
Two! He can get us into two movies after the movie started.
Because this bullshit theater only plays two movies.
- We can see the other. - I've seen it.
I'm cultured, Pam.
Hello, my little darling.
Thanks.
...in chemistry I'm trying to improve, and failing.
Dear first penis ever in my hand,
This was unexpected, I...
You feel unlike anything I thought you would,
you feel inhuman, plastic, like you're made of doll parts.
I can't see you, and I do not want to.
How am I supposed to like this?
- What do I even do now? -Put it in his mouth.
- My God! - What do I do?
- Put it in your mouth! - I don't know!
No, if I do this, I will die here!
Don't die, I will die if you die!
- I don't... - Okay.
Why doesn't it feel right?
What am I not to you that I can be?
- You are so lucky! - I know.
- Yes! - How can you say that?
- She's looking for love! - No, love is useless!
Invisible, but sex is sticky, dirty, needy!
Remember it's the sex that you're after, Pamela.
- You can say no! - Tell him no, he will only want you more.
But is it me he's wanting?
Come on, my break is almost over, can you just let me do this?
- Do what? - Fuck you.
- No? - What's the problem?
What's wrong with the touch of a stranger?
- She's a virgin. - She needs to get over it.
- She needs to push past this asshole! - Why won't he look at me?
Because he's not me, Pam!
You are me! Raise!
Get up and run, now!
Fuckin' prude!
Where were you?
Uhh... I got lost.
This place sucks.
- What? Sam? - Oh my God, what the fuck?
Clean up your fucking mess, dude!
Sorry!
Goodbye, fool!
Do you know how I felt back there?
Cool as ice!
Get it? Like the movie we're trying to see,
but failed cuz' this movie theater fucking sucks!
Hey, I'm Pam, I'm fifteen, trying to lose my virginity.
Anyway, here's "My Year of Dicks."
I have always wanted to be the kind of couple
who touches each other even when it's too hot to be alive.
And now, that's my real life!
Thanks to you, sweet Robert!
The boy who really loves to hold my hand.
Like, all the time!
I've never felt so cute in all my...
Fuck, it's hot as balls out here!
Yeah, It's Houston, it's summer.
Hey, is it cool if I sit with you this time?
The last dude I was stuck with was a screamer.
- I scream...
Yeah... But you I can tell you to shut up.
- Shut up! - Okay.
What are we doing?
Are we shoving Sam?
I don't need to know why, I'll shove Sam all day.
Shit!
Guys, I'm having the best day ever...
Woo! Yes!
Hey, it's not my fault!
Hey! Get off me!
What are you doing over here? I couldn't find you.
I gotta call my mom and tell her what time to pick us up.
Not yet, okay? Let's stay until dark.
- Birds are stupid. - No they're not, Sam.
Most birds mate for life.
Their relationships matter to them.
Like, how nobody believes that Big Bird's best friend, Mr. Snuffleupagus
actually existed, but he knew he was real. He never doubted!
Then one day, the people making the show realized that they're teaching kids
that adults don't always believe you when you tell them big secrets.
So they made everybody see Mr. Snuffleupagus
and then they all apologized to Big Bird, one by one.
Isn't that kind? Do you remember that?
Pam?
Do you think...
- That Big Bird is a real bird? - Shut up!
Come on, it's adorable! So what? You think Big Bird is a real bird.
Dear Robert. As we lift off, so too does my heart take giddy flight.
Get your perfect face ready!
I love how you let me control the pace, the urgency...
I love how we tell each other what we want.
We never even fought, okay? Not even once!
Maybe he wanted to end it before you did have a fight.
That's what he said in the parking lot.
He said that we were better as friends, and... I just don't get it, okay!
Tell me the truth, did I do anything? Did you see me do something stupid?
I don't know, did you mean tonight, or are we talking about years?
- Shut up! - Gross, you just snotted on me!
No, i didn't!
You did, look! It's on my face.
I don't see anything.
- Maybe not. - It's okay.
- You don't have to do that. - No, I know.
- I mean don't-- Don't do that. - It's okay.
No! I'm telling you "no", okay?
Yeah.
My mom has been waiting long enough, let's go.
Sam, wait!
Hi again, it's me! Still a virgin!
Anyways, you know, "My Year of Dicks"
I'm a monster!
Crawling through the halls, I haunt!
I harm!
I have damaged another!
I hurt my best friend, I lost my love!
Writing without a muse, when will there be...
I can't, I don't know when my father arrives,
my mom is working tonight and Natalie is asleep!
- I'll pick you up! - No, Karina!
- Just come, and I... - I'm not...
Hey! Okay, okay, look... You'll be home by two, I promise.
- I'm Pam! - I don't care.
If you want your ten bucks, be nice to my friend.
She just got dumped, you fucking douche.
Being single is cool, Pam.
- It doesn't seem nice to be alone. - You are not alone!
You're with me, we're both gonna walk up to this this party, like two single bitches,
who know what's up.
I don't think I like being called a bitch.
- Pam, listen! Just be cool! - Okay, I'm fine! I'm cool!
I'm a cool bitch!
Oh my God, Karina, there's drugs here, that is actual cocaine!
You said Kelly's mom would be here.
Kelly's mother is in the bedroom committing consensual statutory rape
with some dude named Scott.
"The bedroom"? Like, there's only one? Where does Kelly sleep?
Oh shit, are you CPS?
- No, why? - What is your name?
- I'm Pam. - Weird name, Pam. I'm Joey.
Don't ask me if I want a beer, because I'm Straight Edge.
I don't drink alcohol, do drugs, or even like... have a coke.
- Because of antibiotics? - Because it's hardcore!
I'm pure and I like extremes!
- Okay. - Come see!
Where is she, Karina! Karina!
Fuck, my mom is here, you have to hide.
If my mom sees I took you here, I'm in so much more trouble.
- Why? - She thinks I'm a bad influence.
Can you fit under the sink please?
But I don't...
- Why are you doing here? - Mom, please. I'm sorry!
It is much too late for sorries!
If anyone wants to give me a ride home, I don't live far I think.
- Here. - Thanks.
- Yes? - Get out of my bed.
- I'll take you home in the morning. - Thanks.
Oh, your boots are still on, are you cold?
I never take them off, they are part of me.
Oh yes...
Dear Straight Edge Joey,
I guess sometimes you can't predict how love will find you.
Your kindness tonight has shown me there's is no reason to fear what comes next.
I love your eyes, they're so blue.
And your hair is perfect.
Your skin is red, it's just right.
So pure!
That's right, so pure.
I should lose my purity to someone who admires exactly that.
Besides, isn't it the virgin who is always killed in these things?
Let's tell him what a gift he's receiving.
Joey, I wanted you to know that I'm a virgin.
You'll be my first.
Oh Christ, I-- I'm not... I'm not important enough for that.
Fuck!
Good night Kim.
You know, if you were 5% dumber,
you wouldn't get into half the stupid shit I've seen you do.
Okay.
Karina is always going on about how you're so funny and you're so great,
but you almost fucked a nazi skinhead on my carpet last night, so...
- Who's the total dumbass? It's you! - What? No, I did not do that!
I didn't do that! I. Did. Not. Do. That! I would not.
Yeah dude, he's a fuckin' racist piece of shit, fuckin' turd licking white power, stupid ass inbred, ignorant flag fucker, is what he is...
And I've seen that dude shoot heroin, so fuck his big ass Straight Edge bullshit
all the way to the double cheeseburgers, he probably eats in the closet while he jacks off and then drinks his
own jizz because he's so pure of mind, or whatever the fuck he's always going on...
Okay, okay, Kelly! Oh my God!
Okay, Nazi-almost-fucker.
Dad, I'm grounded.
Is that Pam?
Hey, you know...
The whole thing...
Sorry, "My Year of Dicks"
Sneaking out of the house to go to party with boys.
Never I thought you'd do that.
Well, the good thing about you being grounded is that you get to spend time with me on my time off.
I get to keep you all to myself.
What are these?
- Are these love letters? - They're mine!
It's from high school, so embarrassing.
I should burn these! Promise me you'll never read these.
Dear Mom, it's moments like these I'm reminded you were once young like me.
Maybe a lot like me, and now we're here.
Having a quiet private moment where maybe we can share something honest and real.
- Oh, Richard. - I could use your help.
Mom, can I ask you a question?
How old were you when you first had sex?
- Shut up! You shut the fuck up! - Mom!
I'm not... Oh, I'm not... You shut up...
What?
- Pamela, your father would like to speak with you. - Oh my God, Mom, no! No!
Your mother tells me you're thinking about having sex.
Dad, no, I wasn't! I was trying to have a...
Regardless...
What makes you think you'd like sex?
They like it on TV.
True, but that's not reality.
Let me ask you something:
Have you ever had an orgasm?
What?
No! No! No, Dad, no!
So you've never masturbated or anything?
No, no, no. No!
Well, Pamela, let me tell you, women don't actually like having sex.
They like the kisses beforehand, and the hugging...
- No, no, no! - And the cuddling after.
But the actual penetration is actually quite unpleasant for a woman.
Now your mother gets wet easily, and the penis doesn't actually know the difference between
a vagina and a rubber doll.
The male desire can be fulfilled quite easily
without women having to suffer
through the rather painful and humiliating act of coitus.
That's why I think you should start with oral sex.
It has fewer complications, and it won't ruin your chances at a future.
Good talk.
- So what did he say? - Please don't make me tell you.
- That's fair. - It's fair.
Hi.
I'd like to spend this whole day saying "I'm sorry" to you.
Oh my God, Sam! What are you...
I don't want to mess this up!
- Please, just... - You're so naked!
It's for a point, I promise.
Okay...
Dear Pamela, I wanted to talk to you in the way you talk to others.
I know what words matter to you and...
You matter to me and I...
No, I'm not reading that part, that's so fucking stupid, hang on...
Okay, uh sorry...
Oh no sorry, please stay here! Just...
You've been with some dickhole shitbags
and not one of them has been good enough for you.
I don't know if anybody is.
But you, are good enough.
You're hot, smart, funny,
and you are already more of a woman than any girl I know...
Oh no!
- I am cold. - I can tell.
- Here. - Thanks.
Okay.
Are you warm now?
Gettin' there.
Will this fit me?
- There! - I'm warm enough now.
Here, give me your hands.
I love you.
- I can come in? - Please come in.