1 00:00:02,003 --> 00:00:03,838 GAVIN: Growing up is so many things. 2 00:00:03,963 --> 00:00:05,757 SINGER: We'll get through it all together 3 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:07,967 AMIRI: Growing up is unpredictable. 4 00:00:08,051 --> 00:00:09,677 SINGER: This feeling's not forever 5 00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:12,180 SAGE: Growing up is a chance to change the world. 6 00:00:12,263 --> 00:00:14,057 SINGER: Your time is right now... 7 00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:16,184 Growing up was... ugh. 8 00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:19,020 SINGER: Tell me how you feel 9 00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:21,856 Your scars will start to heal... 10 00:00:21,981 --> 00:00:24,317 We have the power and responsibility. 11 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:27,153 SINGER: Tell me how you feel 12 00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:28,571 We're climbing up the hill 13 00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:29,989 Just don't keep your lips sealed... 14 00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:31,824 We deserve to be heard. 15 00:00:31,908 --> 00:00:35,703 SINGER: And just tell me how you feel 16 00:00:36,788 --> 00:00:38,623 -GAVIN: Growing up is... -EMILY: Tumultuous. 17 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:39,791 -VANESSA: Cringey. -ATHENA: Confusing. 18 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:40,958 -SOFIA: Messy. -EMILY: Beautiful. 19 00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:41,959 GAVIN: Mandatory. 20 00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:43,044 We did it! 21 00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:52,595 (CAMERA CLICKS) 22 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,977 (MUSIC CONCLUDES) 23 00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:03,189 (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) 24 00:01:03,356 --> 00:01:05,358 GAVIN: When I was a kid, living in Nebraska 25 00:01:05,483 --> 00:01:06,526 and sleeping on a couch, 26 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:09,570 I just thought, "This is my life." 27 00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:15,409 We were always moving from place to place, leaving everything behind. 28 00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:18,371 We were always worried about the next thing that was going to happen. 29 00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:22,500 I just wanted to escape that cycle of poverty. 30 00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:25,837 I'm hoping that my story reaches people 31 00:01:26,087 --> 00:01:29,006 who are somewhere and want to maybe be somewhere else. 32 00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:32,969 There will be things in your life that will happen... 33 00:01:33,970 --> 00:01:36,806 but there is always the other side. 34 00:01:39,475 --> 00:01:40,810 FEMALE VOICE: Eighteen Alpha, take two. 35 00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:46,274 (MUSIC FADES) 36 00:01:46,399 --> 00:01:48,860 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 37 00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:54,240 Go? Okay. First of all, thanks everyone for sharing your stories. 38 00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:57,451 I feel like this has been incredible, you're all so inspiring, 39 00:01:57,535 --> 00:01:58,786 and thank you for listening to mine. 40 00:01:58,870 --> 00:02:00,788 Whoo! I'm not gonna cry already. 41 00:02:00,872 --> 00:02:01,956 -(LAUGHTER) -Um... 42 00:02:02,081 --> 00:02:03,875 -It's okay. -So, my name is Gavin. 43 00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:06,961 I am 22. I'm a nurse. 44 00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:10,089 I grew up in Nebraska and Colorado. 45 00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:15,344 NATALIE: Gavin always has those eager eyes. 46 00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:17,471 I used to say it was like deer in headlights. 47 00:02:18,598 --> 00:02:21,267 But he wasn't really deer in headlights, he was just listening, 48 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:24,228 but, yeah, like really taking in what you were saying. 49 00:02:25,897 --> 00:02:28,482 He came from an unstable situation, 50 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:33,779 and I knew that his life could go one way or the other. 51 00:02:37,909 --> 00:02:39,911 GAVIN: I have these memories of stories 52 00:02:40,411 --> 00:02:43,873 that I was never able to understand until recently. 53 00:02:46,626 --> 00:02:49,420 My earliest memory, which is, I was in Nebraska, 54 00:02:49,879 --> 00:02:51,422 I was eating a bowl of oatmeal, 55 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:54,133 and I just remember my mom coming downstairs and saying, 56 00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:55,551 "Gavin, we're leaving." 57 00:02:55,635 --> 00:02:57,011 (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) 58 00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:59,597 GAVIN: And then the next thing I remember is we're in a car. 59 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,849 My brother's sitting next to me. We're in the backseat. 60 00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:04,310 And our mom, who's driving. A cigarette in one hand, 61 00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:06,812 her phone in the other, she's steering with her knee. 62 00:03:07,647 --> 00:03:09,023 And we're, like, on the run. 63 00:03:10,441 --> 00:03:12,401 And if you asked my dad, 64 00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:14,820 he would say that she was kidnapping us 65 00:03:14,946 --> 00:03:17,198 and taking us away from him. 66 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,910 And if you asked my mom, she would say that she was saving us. 67 00:03:21,661 --> 00:03:23,454 And I think that that tension 68 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:26,165 kind of characterized the beginning part of my life. 69 00:03:27,750 --> 00:03:30,044 And shortly after, they ended up getting divorced. 70 00:03:32,338 --> 00:03:35,967 So, for the first part of my life, all of my memories come from Nebraska 71 00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:37,510 and having this arrangement 72 00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:39,303 where I would be with Mom Monday through Thursday 73 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,389 and I'd be with Dad Friday, Saturday, Sunday. 74 00:03:41,806 --> 00:03:43,224 And at my dad's house, 75 00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:45,601 we had this giant backyard with a big garden. 76 00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:50,481 My brother and I used to love running in the cornfields. 77 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:54,485 And my mother... 78 00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:57,280 living with her was a little bit different. 79 00:03:57,363 --> 00:03:59,198 (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) 80 00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:01,534 GAVIN: She was a certified nursing assistant, 81 00:04:01,659 --> 00:04:03,661 but she was always switching jobs. 82 00:04:04,662 --> 00:04:09,375 Her struggle with money, in particular, was really, really obvious to me. 83 00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:14,964 I would get the sense that my dad was unhappy with our mom's lifestyle. 84 00:04:15,256 --> 00:04:19,760 And eventually, my dad married another woman. 85 00:04:20,678 --> 00:04:24,765 She convinced him to seek full custody of my brother and me. 86 00:04:29,145 --> 00:04:31,647 Things got really rough, um, in the family life. 87 00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:33,607 And I think that, um... 88 00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:39,322 the cost of, like, that process is very expensive. 89 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,282 So my mother, who couldn't manage a checkbook, 90 00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:44,118 was now trying to balance lawyer fees and... 91 00:04:44,994 --> 00:04:48,873 it just led to really catastrophic financial collapse. 92 00:04:52,710 --> 00:04:54,337 We were constantly getting evicted. 93 00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:58,466 "Grab your backpack. Grab whatever you can. 94 00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:00,509 "We're leaving to another place right now." 95 00:05:01,594 --> 00:05:04,680 Each house getting kind of worse than the last. 96 00:05:05,598 --> 00:05:07,183 Eventually, we were in a hotel. 97 00:05:08,893 --> 00:05:10,728 My dad had some issues with alcoholism, 98 00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:14,565 so he ended up going to rehab around the same time. 99 00:05:18,069 --> 00:05:18,986 (EXHALES SHARPLY) 100 00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:20,363 And one day... 101 00:05:21,447 --> 00:05:24,784 my mom came to pick us up... 102 00:05:25,743 --> 00:05:28,913 and she was like, "We're moving into a homeless shelter, today." 103 00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:32,958 And I was like, "Oh, my God." 104 00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:34,960 Just, like, in a blink of an eye, 105 00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:37,421 all those things happened and everything was falling apart. 106 00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,423 (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) 107 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:43,386 Having to go to the homeless shelter was kind of scary. 108 00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:47,598 A lot of people slept, like, in beds lined up in numbers, 109 00:05:48,057 --> 00:05:49,892 and then upstairs there were kind of apartments 110 00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:51,519 where kids with families could live. 111 00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:54,939 And she said, "Don't worry, we're gonna be here 112 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,524 "for a weekend, and... 113 00:05:57,775 --> 00:05:59,235 "things are gonna get better from here." 114 00:06:01,654 --> 00:06:03,948 I felt really, really out of place... 115 00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:06,951 and really, really uncomfortable. 116 00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:11,789 And we were not there for a weekend. We were there for about 11 months. 117 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,624 (HEAVY MUSIC PLAYING) 118 00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:16,293 GAVIN: We didn't want to be seen getting on the bus 119 00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:17,837 out of the homeless shelter. 120 00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:22,383 We would go up the block to a local parking lot 121 00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:24,343 and that's where they would meet to pick us up. 122 00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:30,766 I was ashamed to feel like I had less or was worth less. 123 00:06:32,685 --> 00:06:34,103 School was kind of an escape, 124 00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:37,648 and it was a place I could just be myself and be a kid. 125 00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:41,902 -(MUSIC FADES) -(PENCIL SCRATCHING) 126 00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,529 GAVIN: I was pretty good at school. 127 00:06:43,696 --> 00:06:45,322 -(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) -(BUTTONS BEEPING) 128 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,867 GAVIN: We always took these standardized tests, 129 00:06:47,992 --> 00:06:50,619 and they would take my little chart and it would have like, 130 00:06:50,703 --> 00:06:53,789 the average was here and like, Gavin was here on the standardized test. 131 00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,791 And they said, "You're kind of special." 132 00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:59,545 I remember someone at the homeless shelter was looking at that, 133 00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:04,758 and she was like, "Damn, Gavin," like, "You're a smart kid." 134 00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:08,345 And she was, like, showing strangers. She's like, "Look at this kid." 135 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,223 And I was like, "Wow, maybe I am special." 136 00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,225 (QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) 137 00:07:13,309 --> 00:07:16,896 GAVIN: And then one night, we left the homeless shelter 138 00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:21,942 and moved in with my mom and her girlfriend. 139 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,738 But it was an abusive relationship. 140 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,241 My mom started drinking... 141 00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:34,330 and she would get very belligerent. She would fight her girlfriend physically. 142 00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:38,417 My relationship with my mom kind of deteriorated. 143 00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:42,546 My dad ended up getting out of rehab and went to Colorado. 144 00:07:43,005 --> 00:07:46,217 And eventually, he wanted to rebuild his relationship with my brother and me. 145 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:49,803 (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) 146 00:07:49,887 --> 00:07:53,891 And he developed a plan that I found years later. 147 00:07:54,558 --> 00:07:56,477 It was like this 15-year plan 148 00:07:57,478 --> 00:08:01,106 for like, "how to develop a relationship with my kids." 149 00:08:01,232 --> 00:08:05,069 And he said, "In 15 years, Gavin will be 22," which I'm 22 now. 150 00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:09,031 He said, "By then I hope I have a good relationship with him." 151 00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:13,536 It was extremely thoughtful, extremely deliberate. 152 00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:15,913 SINGER: Wanna make a new start... 153 00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:18,457 GAVIN: And just that it recognized... 154 00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:20,292 SINGER: Walk me through this broken glass 155 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,503 (SNIFFLES) ...it might take time to forgive him. 156 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,630 SINGER: I wanna feel my blood rise... 157 00:08:24,797 --> 00:08:27,716 GAVIN: I think that he had handled it in such a way 158 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,469 that made me feel like I trusted him, 159 00:08:30,553 --> 00:08:35,266 and he seemed like a source of stability that I really craved. 160 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:41,146 And so my brother and I moved to Colorado with my dad. 161 00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:43,524 SINGER: Wanna make a new start 162 00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:46,026 GAVIN: I thought everything would get a lot better. 163 00:08:46,277 --> 00:08:49,738 SINGER: Walk me through This broken glass... 164 00:08:49,822 --> 00:08:53,158 And he, for a time, had a really decent job. 165 00:08:53,242 --> 00:08:56,537 I mean, we certainly weren't wealthy, but we had food on the table 166 00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,372 and I was eating consistently. 167 00:08:58,455 --> 00:08:59,456 (MUSIC FADES) 168 00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:02,418 I had fresh fruits, fresh vegetables for the first time. 169 00:09:02,585 --> 00:09:06,964 All of these things that I didn't have for so long in my life. 170 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,884 I was going to school. It was middle school at this point. 171 00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:12,553 I was making friends. 172 00:09:14,013 --> 00:09:16,724 It was like a complete 180. 173 00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:22,855 Gavin would come and just talk about how his transition was, 174 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:29,028 moving from Nebraska to Colorado and being in a new school with new people. 175 00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,864 (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) 176 00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:33,907 NATALIE: He never left my side during lunch. 177 00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:38,120 I knew that I would always have Gavin as my shadow. 178 00:09:40,289 --> 00:09:44,960 I think she always was willing to listen to anything I had to say 179 00:09:45,044 --> 00:09:47,254 and she was a really good listener. 180 00:09:48,339 --> 00:09:50,883 You can tell when someone's really listening because... 181 00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:54,386 she would ask really good questions. 182 00:09:56,555 --> 00:10:01,185 And at the same time, I was grappling with being gay. 183 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,479 (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) 184 00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:08,150 My father was a religious man, very conservative, 185 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:11,153 and played football, and, you know, 186 00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:14,198 I think he wanted that out of his sons as well. 187 00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:19,244 And he would say things about gay people, saying he disagreed with that lifestyle. 188 00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:22,373 I didn't want to lose the stability that I had, 189 00:10:22,498 --> 00:10:27,127 and for a long time, the question was, "Am I willing to trade that comfort 190 00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:31,048 "for, like, being in the closet?" 191 00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,593 One of the first people I told was Natalie. 192 00:10:35,219 --> 00:10:37,930 I sat her down and I was like, "I have to tell you something." 193 00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:42,017 And as I was building up to saying it, I was like, "Why am I telling her?" 194 00:10:42,101 --> 00:10:45,562 "Is she gonna just think this is weird that I'm telling her I'm gay?" 195 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,692 And she said, "Well, thank you for telling me. 196 00:10:49,775 --> 00:10:51,443 "That means a lot that you told me." 197 00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,153 (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) 198 00:10:53,237 --> 00:10:57,741 To have like a teacher at your school say that it's okay to be who you are. 199 00:10:59,118 --> 00:11:02,579 "It ain't no thing." (CHUCKLES) "And I'm proud of you." 200 00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:04,748 It meant a lot. 201 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:15,551 Around this time, my dad and I started to sort of... 202 00:11:17,052 --> 00:11:18,887 not see completely eye-to-eye. 203 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,433 One day, we were kind of arguing and he said, 204 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,602 "I know who you are, and this isn't who you are." 205 00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:28,063 And I said, "Oh, you don't actually know me." 206 00:11:28,147 --> 00:11:29,189 (SNICKERS) 207 00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:37,322 I wasn't going to tell him to his face, so that night when he went to bed 208 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:40,701 and I was sure he was asleep, I sent him a text message, 209 00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:42,494 and it was a really long text, 210 00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:46,707 a story basically, telling him that I'm gay. 211 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:52,421 And woke up and had just a really awkward conversation 212 00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:56,049 where he said, "Maybe this is a phase." 213 00:11:57,968 --> 00:12:03,599 I think he didn't really want to believe that, like, he had a gay son. 214 00:12:04,475 --> 00:12:06,769 "Do you want to tell everyone? Do you have to tell everyone?" 215 00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:08,979 "Does this have to... Do you have to 'come out'?" 216 00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:12,941 From that point on, things with my dad were kind of weird 217 00:12:13,025 --> 00:12:14,234 and kind of awkward. 218 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,695 He didn't really understand me. 219 00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:20,866 He, at one point, told me that he felt like a stranger lived in his house. 220 00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:27,706 We just really grew apart, I think, and did not have a lot in common. 221 00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:35,881 I started dealing with depression, anxiety. 222 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:38,133 All of that kind of came up from my past 223 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:42,721 and I wasn't always aware that it wasn't normal to struggle, right? 224 00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:45,724 You don't have to live a life that is full of struggle. 225 00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:52,105 Recognizing that maybe I need help for mental health issues 226 00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:55,234 and it's okay to talk to somebody. 227 00:12:56,527 --> 00:12:59,404 Therapy was probably the best decision I ever made in my life. 228 00:12:59,530 --> 00:13:01,240 (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) 229 00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:05,244 My therapist that I was set up with was based in the school. 230 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:10,541 I was able to learn how I internalized a lot of the issues 231 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,209 that I felt like I had growing up. 232 00:13:12,668 --> 00:13:15,879 'Cause I didn't realize how much of my life it was affecting 233 00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:18,674 and other relationships with people and how I viewed myself. 234 00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:20,342 (PANTING) 235 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:24,137 Therapy really helped me unpack that and learn coping mechanisms. 236 00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:28,100 And there's almost nothing more empowering than running. 237 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:30,561 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 238 00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:33,313 SINGER: I can be what you want me to be 239 00:13:33,397 --> 00:13:36,316 Don't just give me the words Don't be setting it free 240 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,069 GAVIN: It is very therapeutic and, like, powerful. 241 00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,530 And I'm happy, and then I... I go home, 242 00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:44,283 and I feel like I can take on life's issues. 243 00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:47,661 SINGER: Right here, oh... 244 00:13:47,786 --> 00:13:50,873 -(GAVIN PANTING) -(MUSIC FADES) 245 00:13:50,956 --> 00:13:53,000 (QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) 246 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:56,169 GAVIN: My dad's health issues started to develop. 247 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:58,547 He struggled with diabetes. 248 00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:03,719 He started to have, like, dizzy spells, and then he started to lose his eyesight. 249 00:14:03,844 --> 00:14:06,889 He kept going to doctors and started to get, like, really sick, 250 00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:08,307 to the point where he couldn't work. 251 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,894 And because of that, you can't pay your bills. 252 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:17,065 And he was also very proud in that he wouldn't take government assistance 253 00:14:17,149 --> 00:14:18,567 that we really desperately needed. 254 00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:23,572 He started, like, drinking to cope. 255 00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:28,785 And I remember being hungry, like, all the time. 256 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,875 I think school continued to be my refuge through that period as well. 257 00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:39,713 Natalie was someone who helped me to kind of understand 258 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:43,508 you can get scholarships, you can do really well in school, 259 00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:45,969 and people will pay for you to go to school. 260 00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,014 NATALIE: There was nothing that he could do 261 00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:51,475 to change his dad's situation. 262 00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:54,811 We really talked about, you know, like, 263 00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:56,939 all the things that he had going for him. 264 00:14:58,023 --> 00:15:00,359 For him to see his potential. 265 00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:03,403 You know, there's... there's going to be something after high school. 266 00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:08,075 GAVIN: So, for the ending of my junior year, 267 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:12,245 I started to realize that my education was my shot out of poverty. 268 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:18,794 Over the summer before my senior year, I picked up multiple jobs, 269 00:15:19,461 --> 00:15:22,297 and I was saving all the money that I could. 270 00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,967 I was working full-time, and that wasn't... 271 00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:28,053 I wasn't paying all of our bills. We were racking up debt. 272 00:15:29,513 --> 00:15:34,059 Right before school started, I sat my dad down and said to him, 273 00:15:35,227 --> 00:15:37,980 "I've done the math. It doesn't add up. 274 00:15:39,189 --> 00:15:42,484 "I might need to drop out of high school because there's no money." 275 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,528 You know, "We don't have a choice, right?" 276 00:15:45,654 --> 00:15:48,365 And he said, "Don't worry about that, right? 277 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:49,408 "I'm your father. 278 00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:52,452 "I am the one who worries about the finances and the budget, 279 00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:53,996 "and we're gonna make it work. 280 00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:57,249 "You can do it. You're gonna do whatever it takes 281 00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,126 "to finish high school." 282 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,629 And so I quit two of my jobs. 283 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:05,966 I was like, school is really what I have to do. 284 00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:07,634 I have to keep going. 285 00:16:08,510 --> 00:16:09,928 No matter what. 286 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,180 Things were, like, crumbling around me. 287 00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:13,807 (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) 288 00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:15,183 (SIGHS) 289 00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:19,730 If I don't get into a good school, if I don't get college paid for, 290 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,732 it won't be because I didn't try. 291 00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:27,195 So, beginning of senior year, I started applying to colleges. 292 00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:31,700 I had a dream of moving to New York City and going to school in New York. 293 00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:35,078 So I wrote my college admissions essay. 294 00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:39,416 I wrote about how I felt like I had something to prove 295 00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:42,836 to myself and to my community. 296 00:16:43,879 --> 00:16:47,424 I also wanted to escape that generation of poverty. 297 00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:49,342 (PANTING) 298 00:16:49,468 --> 00:16:51,595 I don't think anyone could really understand 299 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:52,971 what was going on at home, 300 00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:55,891 and I don't think I was even aware of how sick he really was. 301 00:16:57,059 --> 00:17:00,228 And one day, my dad said something like, 302 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:03,356 "Just be sure you, like, come home tonight. 303 00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:06,651 "It, like, gives me hope that you're around still." 304 00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:11,907 Took a final at school, went home to check on him, 305 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:15,077 got there around 3:45... 306 00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:22,000 and I just found him, and he had died. 307 00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,920 (MUSIC FADES) 308 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,096 And, yeah, so it was really... 309 00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:36,807 it was really overwhelming. 310 00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:39,226 (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) 311 00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:40,560 GAVIN: My dad died. 312 00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:46,316 And I didn't know what was gonna happen to me. 313 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,862 No... And no one can really understand, you know? 314 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:55,867 And I called my brother, 315 00:17:56,284 --> 00:18:00,872 and he took the mantle of, like, calling all of our family members 316 00:18:00,956 --> 00:18:05,335 because I was in shock. I mean, I was truly in shock. 317 00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:07,587 I did not see it coming. 318 00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:11,675 And, uh, the coroner was like, 319 00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:14,803 "How old are you?" (LAUGHS SHAKILY) 320 00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:17,222 And I said, "I'm 18." And I had been 18 for a month. 321 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:22,435 And he kind of closes his notebook and he was like, "I'm so sorry." 322 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,940 And that was it. And I was like, "What do I do?" 323 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,401 And he said, "You can do anything, you can go anywhere." 324 00:18:30,986 --> 00:18:32,070 And I just felt... 325 00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:34,698 so, like... 326 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:37,325 displaced from my life. 327 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:43,165 And, like, unmoored to reality in so many ways. 328 00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:46,835 And I was still in high school. I was like, "Where do I go 329 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,046 "when I have nobody telling me where to go?" 330 00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:52,841 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) 331 00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:55,510 GAVIN: It was like I was running on this platform 332 00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:58,096 and it felt like I was so close to my goal, 333 00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:00,557 which was to get to college. 334 00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:03,560 I really viewed that as, like, a thing that could take me somewhere 335 00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:04,853 and give me a shot at life. 336 00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:07,147 And like the platform fell. 337 00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:09,941 (RUMBLING) 338 00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:12,360 (WOOD CREAKING) 339 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:18,909 (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) 340 00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:26,208 But there were so many people there to catch me. 341 00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:35,300 (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) 342 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:40,222 Just the outpouring of support that I received from students, from teachers. 343 00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:42,265 People who were so concerned. 344 00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:46,311 My whole community rallied around me, 345 00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:49,522 and I had so many people who were really supportive 346 00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:52,484 and started, like, a meal drive 347 00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:55,278 and they would, like, make meals for me three nights a week. 348 00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:58,823 NATALIE: I just remember saying, you know, "Whatever you need. 349 00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:02,911 "If you just need to talk. If you need to, you know, just cry. 350 00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:04,037 "Whatever you need." 351 00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:09,584 And I graduated the top of my class, 352 00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:12,337 because of all those people who were there for me. 353 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:19,636 And I was admitted to the college I wanted on a full-ride scholarship, 354 00:20:20,178 --> 00:20:22,222 which is just crazy. 355 00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:26,434 I mean, I cried when I got the financial aid I needed. 356 00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:34,359 (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) 357 00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:36,111 GAVIN: I would have moments of grief 358 00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,655 where it would kind of hit me that, like, my dad's not here 359 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,199 and he didn't get to know that it was all worth it 360 00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:44,160 and that I'm going off to college now and it's gonna be okay. 361 00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:50,125 SINGER: It was just like I remember Memories hanging in the air 362 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,919 Slip into a known familiar... 363 00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:54,754 GAVIN: His willingness to kind of say, 364 00:20:54,838 --> 00:20:59,050 "Even when the platform is falling behind you, there's always a way." 365 00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:03,805 SINGER: Within seconds I am home Every time I turn to you... 366 00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:06,349 GAVIN: (OVER MICROPHONE) I'm standing here now 367 00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:09,477 literally because of the support that I received. 368 00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:12,856 I could think of hundreds of people who've shown up for me 369 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:16,985 in the last six years and specifically the last six months. 370 00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:20,488 Thank you for showing up for all of us 371 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:23,575 in this messy experience called "growing up." 372 00:21:25,076 --> 00:21:27,120 I hope that you remember your worth 373 00:21:27,746 --> 00:21:30,832 and your power to achieve anything you truly want. 374 00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:35,128 Part of living in this existence is the necessity 375 00:21:35,211 --> 00:21:37,005 to understand that life is hard. 376 00:21:38,173 --> 00:21:41,259 You're tired and you're knocked down, you just want a break. 377 00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:43,219 That's when it's hard to keep going. 378 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:47,182 But that's what separates your success from your failure, 379 00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:49,351 your ability to keep going. 380 00:21:50,018 --> 00:21:54,356 It takes courage to get back up and keep moving forward. 381 00:21:54,939 --> 00:21:56,232 It is not easy. 382 00:21:57,192 --> 00:21:59,402 Always choose to keep going. 383 00:22:00,236 --> 00:22:01,321 Thank you. 384 00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:03,656 (APPLAUSE) 385 00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:07,118 (CHEERING) 386 00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:11,289 We did it! 387 00:22:13,458 --> 00:22:14,542 Whoo! 388 00:22:14,626 --> 00:22:18,088 SINGER: This will always be my home... 389 00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:20,090 GAVIN: I was so ready, 390 00:22:20,173 --> 00:22:22,634 like, this is what I've been working for and what I've been waiting for. 391 00:22:22,801 --> 00:22:27,639 SINGER: This will always be my home This will always be my home 392 00:22:27,722 --> 00:22:28,807 (MUSIC ENDS) 393 00:22:28,932 --> 00:22:33,311 GAVIN: And so I quit my job, I closed up the apartment I was living in, 394 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:36,064 and moved to New York City. 395 00:22:36,398 --> 00:22:38,066 (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS) 396 00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:42,153 Seeing how my dad was so sick and how my family struggled 397 00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:46,074 dealing with the healthcare system just in general... 398 00:22:46,908 --> 00:22:50,036 really made me feel like I could do something about it. 399 00:22:51,121 --> 00:22:53,832 And I was like, "If I become a nurse, no one in my family 400 00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:57,043 "will have to wonder how to take care of themselves," you know? 401 00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:59,003 Or like, what's going on with their body. 402 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:02,382 They say dream big, bright, and change the world. 403 00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:07,554 And I approach my nursing profession, right now, at least, 404 00:23:07,637 --> 00:23:12,350 as "If you change one person's life, you change the world." 405 00:23:13,977 --> 00:23:17,856 You can be born into a situation you have no control over 406 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,442 and that you could, like, do nothing wrong 407 00:23:20,525 --> 00:23:23,820 and end up feeling so ashamed of where you are. 408 00:23:24,946 --> 00:23:30,201 I was just a kid, you know? And I look at it now and think of myself, 409 00:23:30,785 --> 00:23:32,912 that there was nothing to be ashamed of. 410 00:23:33,163 --> 00:23:35,790 (MUSIC ENDS) 411 00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:41,087 And that's it, probably. 412 00:23:41,713 --> 00:23:45,800 -(CHUCKLES) -(APPLAUSE) 413 00:23:48,887 --> 00:23:54,184 We started this, this hangout, with the thesis of, 414 00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:57,812 does it help to share your story? 415 00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:00,899 Does it help to hear another person's story? 416 00:24:01,524 --> 00:24:03,526 We didn't know what was gonna happen. 417 00:24:04,569 --> 00:24:08,698 We just wanted to tell the story of what it's like to be young. 418 00:24:09,949 --> 00:24:14,454 But I want to hear from you what this experience was like. 419 00:24:15,330 --> 00:24:19,876 It was honestly the most surreal experience ever. 420 00:24:20,251 --> 00:24:23,254 I will admit, I had, like, a lot of nerves. (CHUCKLES) 421 00:24:23,338 --> 00:24:25,715 And it was very new for me. 422 00:24:25,798 --> 00:24:29,052 But to hear so many other stories, 423 00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:32,889 we all resonated and almost had the same feelings. 424 00:24:33,014 --> 00:24:35,642 I'm not even gonna lie, I was so scared. (LAUGHS) 425 00:24:36,100 --> 00:24:40,730 I was so scared, I was like, "Not me being on TV," and... 426 00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:42,148 (ALL LAUGHING) 427 00:24:42,273 --> 00:24:45,276 No, for real, and exposing myself to the entire world. 428 00:24:45,693 --> 00:24:47,820 But... 'Cause I carried a lot of shame, 429 00:24:48,196 --> 00:24:51,449 and that shame, to be able to, like, bare yourself, 430 00:24:51,866 --> 00:24:54,494 not in front of you guys, but to everyone who's gonna see this, 431 00:24:54,577 --> 00:24:56,037 is such a scary thing. 432 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:58,915 But something I realized while sitting here and listening to myself 433 00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:00,291 and listening to all of you all 434 00:25:00,375 --> 00:25:03,127 is that shame was just like puddles of water, 435 00:25:03,461 --> 00:25:06,005 and the more I talked and the more I hear you guys, 436 00:25:06,089 --> 00:25:07,340 it just rolled off. 437 00:25:07,465 --> 00:25:09,842 There's stuff about growing up that's universal. 438 00:25:09,968 --> 00:25:13,388 We were all looking for connection, for direction, for love, for growth. 439 00:25:15,056 --> 00:25:17,475 I think about, all the time, you know, "What would it be like if... 440 00:25:17,809 --> 00:25:19,894 "if we lived in a world without that shame? If... 441 00:25:20,228 --> 00:25:22,855 "What would it be like if we lived in a world where kids didn't learn 442 00:25:22,939 --> 00:25:26,484 "to hate themselves first, but we just stayed with that love?" 443 00:25:26,693 --> 00:25:31,531 One thing that I draw from this is just a lot of hope, you know? 444 00:25:31,614 --> 00:25:32,657 A lot of hope. 445 00:25:32,824 --> 00:25:36,077 I just can't wait for everybody to see each of these episodes 446 00:25:36,244 --> 00:25:39,247 because it's going to speak to people who aren't trans, right? 447 00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:41,833 My episode's not just for people who are trans. 448 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,003 There's something for every single person to learn. 449 00:25:45,086 --> 00:25:47,171 We've all had our different trials and tribulations, 450 00:25:47,255 --> 00:25:49,924 but that doesn't make our experiences, like, any less valid. 451 00:25:50,049 --> 00:25:52,343 Like, there's no reason to discount your feelings 452 00:25:52,468 --> 00:25:54,178 just because you have a certain amount of privilege. 453 00:25:54,262 --> 00:25:55,722 All of us have a certain amount of privilege. 454 00:25:55,847 --> 00:25:57,807 This isn't just people just putting their trauma, 455 00:25:57,890 --> 00:25:59,684 like, on the table. And that's, like, a critique that, 456 00:25:59,809 --> 00:26:02,562 you know, the poetry world has, it's like, are people just out here 457 00:26:02,645 --> 00:26:05,023 showing their trauma and getting, like, claps? Like, that's not healthy. 458 00:26:05,356 --> 00:26:08,026 You know, but this is, like, steps to how you can, like, 459 00:26:08,151 --> 00:26:09,611 recover in some cases, right? 460 00:26:09,736 --> 00:26:12,905 My favorite thing about this project after, like, 461 00:26:13,072 --> 00:26:17,744 growing up looking for representation, is that it doesn't end sad. 462 00:26:18,202 --> 00:26:19,746 -And I think that's so important... -Yes. 463 00:26:19,871 --> 00:26:21,331 -...to project... -Yeah. 464 00:26:21,414 --> 00:26:24,834 ...and to show, is that stories like these don't have to end sad, 465 00:26:24,917 --> 00:26:26,753 and they haven't ended sad for all of us. 466 00:26:26,919 --> 00:26:30,006 We, like, made these connections that usually take, 467 00:26:30,340 --> 00:26:33,176 like, a very, very long time to make because we were forced 468 00:26:33,259 --> 00:26:35,511 -to be extraordinarily personal. -SAGE: Mm-hmm. 469 00:26:35,845 --> 00:26:40,016 I think it's really liberating to know that you're not alone 470 00:26:40,141 --> 00:26:44,312 and I felt like, a huge sense of relief kind of wash over me when, 471 00:26:45,063 --> 00:26:47,315 you know, people would snap for me or they would come up 472 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:50,902 after I was done talking and say, "I so related to what you said." 473 00:26:51,027 --> 00:26:52,362 And I was like, "Thank you." You know? 474 00:26:52,445 --> 00:26:57,200 I think that's why each of us did this, is I want people to watch it 475 00:26:57,283 --> 00:27:00,453 and feel that sense of relief wash over them about, 476 00:27:00,536 --> 00:27:03,247 "I can't believe someone did that, and I thought I was the only one 477 00:27:03,331 --> 00:27:04,624 "who ever felt that way." 478 00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:06,501 I am so glad I met you guys. 479 00:27:06,584 --> 00:27:08,336 FEMALE VOICE: Yeah. This has been so cool. 480 00:27:08,586 --> 00:27:10,630 -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -VANESSA: Thank you. 481 00:27:14,801 --> 00:27:17,720 ALL: Group hug! 482 00:27:22,558 --> 00:27:24,394 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 483 00:27:39,409 --> 00:27:41,327 Growing up is so many things. 484 00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:43,371 Growing up is unpredictable. 485 00:27:43,663 --> 00:27:46,374 Growing up is a tumultuous experience. 486 00:27:46,624 --> 00:27:48,084 Growing up is messy. 487 00:27:48,251 --> 00:27:50,461 Realizing that, though you know who you are, 488 00:27:50,545 --> 00:27:52,255 you know not who you will become. 489 00:27:52,463 --> 00:27:54,215 Growing up is a protest. 490 00:27:54,382 --> 00:27:56,008 Growing up is a license to fail. 491 00:27:56,384 --> 00:27:58,261 It's awkward, hard. 492 00:27:58,428 --> 00:28:00,513 Growing up can feel really lonely, 493 00:28:01,055 --> 00:28:03,182 but everyone else is doing it around you too. 494 00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:04,851 You never know what life can throw at you. 495 00:28:04,976 --> 00:28:07,770 You learn so much about yourself and who you wanna be. 496 00:28:07,854 --> 00:28:10,606 Realizing that the world doesn't revolve around you 497 00:28:10,732 --> 00:28:12,483 but that your needs are still important. 498 00:28:12,650 --> 00:28:15,194 That you're not alone in the world as you may feel. 499 00:28:15,278 --> 00:28:17,238 So, it's important to find community. 500 00:28:17,572 --> 00:28:20,491 Growing up is mandatory, but you'll get through it. 501 00:28:23,870 --> 00:28:26,038 (MUSIC FADES)