GAVIN: Growing up is so many things.
SINGER: We'll get through it all together
AMIRI: Growing up is unpredictable.
SINGER: This feeling's not forever
SAGE: Growing up is a chance to change the world.
SINGER: Your time is right now...
Growing up was... ugh.
SINGER: Tell me how you feel
Your scars will start to heal...
We have the power and responsibility.
SINGER: Tell me how you feel
We're climbing up the hill
Just don't keep your lips sealed...
We deserve to be heard.
SINGER: And just tell me how you feel
-GAVIN: Growing up is... -EMILY: Tumultuous.
-VANESSA: Cringey. -ATHENA: Confusing.
-SOFIA: Messy. -EMILY: Beautiful.
GAVIN: Mandatory.
We did it!
(CAMERA CLICKS)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
GAVIN: When I was a kid, living in Nebraska
and sleeping on a couch,
I just thought, "This is my life."
We were always moving from place to place, leaving everything behind.
We were always worried about the next thing that was going to happen.
I just wanted to escape that cycle of poverty.
I'm hoping that my story reaches people
who are somewhere and want to maybe be somewhere else.
There will be things in your life that will happen...
but there is always the other side.
FEMALE VOICE: Eighteen Alpha, take two.
(MUSIC FADES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Go? Okay. First of all, thanks everyone for sharing your stories.
I feel like this has been incredible, you're all so inspiring,
and thank you for listening to mine.
Whoo! I'm not gonna cry already.
-(LAUGHTER) -Um...
-It's okay. -So, my name is Gavin.
I am 22. I'm a nurse.
I grew up in Nebraska and Colorado.
NATALIE: Gavin always has those eager eyes.
I used to say it was like deer in headlights.
But he wasn't really deer in headlights, he was just listening,
but, yeah, like really taking in what you were saying.
He came from an unstable situation,
and I knew that his life could go one way or the other.
GAVIN: I have these memories of stories
that I was never able to understand until recently.
My earliest memory, which is, I was in Nebraska,
I was eating a bowl of oatmeal,
and I just remember my mom coming downstairs and saying,
"Gavin, we're leaving."
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
GAVIN: And then the next thing I remember is we're in a car.
My brother's sitting next to me. We're in the backseat.
And our mom, who's driving. A cigarette in one hand,
her phone in the other, she's steering with her knee.
And we're, like, on the run.
And if you asked my dad,
he would say that she was kidnapping us
and taking us away from him.
And if you asked my mom, she would say that she was saving us.
And I think that that tension
kind of characterized the beginning part of my life.
And shortly after, they ended up getting divorced.
So, for the first part of my life, all of my memories come from Nebraska
and having this arrangement
where I would be with Mom Monday through Thursday
and I'd be with Dad Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
And at my dad's house,
we had this giant backyard with a big garden.
My brother and I used to love running in the cornfields.
And my mother...
living with her was a little bit different.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
GAVIN: She was a certified nursing assistant,
but she was always switching jobs.
Her struggle with money, in particular, was really, really obvious to me.
I would get the sense that my dad was unhappy with our mom's lifestyle.
And eventually, my dad married another woman.
She convinced him to seek full custody of my brother and me.
Things got really rough, um, in the family life.
And I think that, um...
the cost of, like, that process is very expensive.
So my mother, who couldn't manage a checkbook,
was now trying to balance lawyer fees and...
it just led to really catastrophic financial collapse.
We were constantly getting evicted.
"Grab your backpack. Grab whatever you can.
"We're leaving to another place right now."
Each house getting kind of worse than the last.
Eventually, we were in a hotel.
My dad had some issues with alcoholism,
so he ended up going to rehab around the same time.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
And one day...
my mom came to pick us up...
and she was like, "We're moving into a homeless shelter, today."
And I was like, "Oh, my God."
Just, like, in a blink of an eye,
all those things happened and everything was falling apart.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
Having to go to the homeless shelter was kind of scary.
A lot of people slept, like, in beds lined up in numbers,
and then upstairs there were kind of apartments
where kids with families could live.
And she said, "Don't worry, we're gonna be here
"for a weekend, and...
"things are gonna get better from here."
I felt really, really out of place...
and really, really uncomfortable.
And we were not there for a weekend. We were there for about 11 months.
(HEAVY MUSIC PLAYING)
GAVIN: We didn't want to be seen getting on the bus
out of the homeless shelter.
We would go up the block to a local parking lot
and that's where they would meet to pick us up.
I was ashamed to feel like I had less or was worth less.
School was kind of an escape,
and it was a place I could just be myself and be a kid.
-(MUSIC FADES) -(PENCIL SCRATCHING)
GAVIN: I was pretty good at school.
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) -(BUTTONS BEEPING)
GAVIN: We always took these standardized tests,
and they would take my little chart and it would have like,
the average was here and like, Gavin was here on the standardized test.
And they said, "You're kind of special."
I remember someone at the homeless shelter was looking at that,
and she was like, "Damn, Gavin," like, "You're a smart kid."
And she was, like, showing strangers. She's like, "Look at this kid."
And I was like, "Wow, maybe I am special."
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING)
GAVIN: And then one night, we left the homeless shelter
and moved in with my mom and her girlfriend.
But it was an abusive relationship.
My mom started drinking...
and she would get very belligerent. She would fight her girlfriend physically.
My relationship with my mom kind of deteriorated.
My dad ended up getting out of rehab and went to Colorado.
And eventually, he wanted to rebuild his relationship with my brother and me.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
And he developed a plan that I found years later.
It was like this 15-year plan
for like, "how to develop a relationship with my kids."
And he said, "In 15 years, Gavin will be 22," which I'm 22 now.
He said, "By then I hope I have a good relationship with him."
It was extremely thoughtful, extremely deliberate.
SINGER: Wanna make a new start...
GAVIN: And just that it recognized...
SINGER: Walk me through this broken glass
(SNIFFLES) ...it might take time to forgive him.
SINGER: I wanna feel my blood rise...
GAVIN: I think that he had handled it in such a way
that made me feel like I trusted him,
and he seemed like a source of stability that I really craved.
And so my brother and I moved to Colorado with my dad.
SINGER: Wanna make a new start
GAVIN: I thought everything would get a lot better.
SINGER: Walk me through This broken glass...
And he, for a time, had a really decent job.
I mean, we certainly weren't wealthy, but we had food on the table
and I was eating consistently.
(MUSIC FADES)
I had fresh fruits, fresh vegetables for the first time.
All of these things that I didn't have for so long in my life.
I was going to school. It was middle school at this point.
I was making friends.
It was like a complete 180.
Gavin would come and just talk about how his transition was,
moving from Nebraska to Colorado and being in a new school with new people.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
NATALIE: He never left my side during lunch.
I knew that I would always have Gavin as my shadow.
I think she always was willing to listen to anything I had to say
and she was a really good listener.
You can tell when someone's really listening because...
she would ask really good questions.
And at the same time, I was grappling with being gay.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
My father was a religious man, very conservative,
and played football, and, you know,
I think he wanted that out of his sons as well.
And he would say things about gay people, saying he disagreed with that lifestyle.
I didn't want to lose the stability that I had,
and for a long time, the question was, "Am I willing to trade that comfort
"for, like, being in the closet?"
One of the first people I told was Natalie.
I sat her down and I was like, "I have to tell you something."
And as I was building up to saying it, I was like, "Why am I telling her?"
"Is she gonna just think this is weird that I'm telling her I'm gay?"
And she said, "Well, thank you for telling me.
"That means a lot that you told me."
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
To have like a teacher at your school say that it's okay to be who you are.
"It ain't no thing." (CHUCKLES) "And I'm proud of you."
It meant a lot.
Around this time, my dad and I started to sort of...
not see completely eye-to-eye.
One day, we were kind of arguing and he said,
"I know who you are, and this isn't who you are."
And I said, "Oh, you don't actually know me."
(SNICKERS)
I wasn't going to tell him to his face, so that night when he went to bed
and I was sure he was asleep, I sent him a text message,
and it was a really long text,
a story basically, telling him that I'm gay.
And woke up and had just a really awkward conversation
where he said, "Maybe this is a phase."
I think he didn't really want to believe that, like, he had a gay son.
"Do you want to tell everyone? Do you have to tell everyone?"
"Does this have to... Do you have to 'come out'?"
From that point on, things with my dad were kind of weird
and kind of awkward.
He didn't really understand me.
He, at one point, told me that he felt like a stranger lived in his house.
We just really grew apart, I think, and did not have a lot in common.
I started dealing with depression, anxiety.
All of that kind of came up from my past
and I wasn't always aware that it wasn't normal to struggle, right?
You don't have to live a life that is full of struggle.
Recognizing that maybe I need help for mental health issues
and it's okay to talk to somebody.
Therapy was probably the best decision I ever made in my life.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
My therapist that I was set up with was based in the school.
I was able to learn how I internalized a lot of the issues
that I felt like I had growing up.
'Cause I didn't realize how much of my life it was affecting
and other relationships with people and how I viewed myself.
(PANTING)
Therapy really helped me unpack that and learn coping mechanisms.
And there's almost nothing more empowering than running.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
SINGER: I can be what you want me to be
Don't just give me the words Don't be setting it free
GAVIN: It is very therapeutic and, like, powerful.
And I'm happy, and then I... I go home,
and I feel like I can take on life's issues.
SINGER: Right here, oh...
-(GAVIN PANTING) -(MUSIC FADES)
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING)
GAVIN: My dad's health issues started to develop.
He struggled with diabetes.
He started to have, like, dizzy spells, and then he started to lose his eyesight.
He kept going to doctors and started to get, like, really sick,
to the point where he couldn't work.
And because of that, you can't pay your bills.
And he was also very proud in that he wouldn't take government assistance
that we really desperately needed.
He started, like, drinking to cope.
And I remember being hungry, like, all the time.
I think school continued to be my refuge through that period as well.
Natalie was someone who helped me to kind of understand
you can get scholarships, you can do really well in school,
and people will pay for you to go to school.
NATALIE: There was nothing that he could do
to change his dad's situation.
We really talked about, you know, like,
all the things that he had going for him.
For him to see his potential.
You know, there's... there's going to be something after high school.
GAVIN: So, for the ending of my junior year,
I started to realize that my education was my shot out of poverty.
Over the summer before my senior year, I picked up multiple jobs,
and I was saving all the money that I could.
I was working full-time, and that wasn't...
I wasn't paying all of our bills. We were racking up debt.
Right before school started, I sat my dad down and said to him,
"I've done the math. It doesn't add up.
"I might need to drop out of high school because there's no money."
You know, "We don't have a choice, right?"
And he said, "Don't worry about that, right?
"I'm your father.
"I am the one who worries about the finances and the budget,
"and we're gonna make it work.
"You can do it. You're gonna do whatever it takes
"to finish high school."
And so I quit two of my jobs.
I was like, school is really what I have to do.
I have to keep going.
No matter what.
Things were, like, crumbling around me.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
If I don't get into a good school, if I don't get college paid for,
it won't be because I didn't try.
So, beginning of senior year, I started applying to colleges.
I had a dream of moving to New York City and going to school in New York.
So I wrote my college admissions essay.
I wrote about how I felt like I had something to prove
to myself and to my community.
I also wanted to escape that generation of poverty.
(PANTING)
I don't think anyone could really understand
what was going on at home,
and I don't think I was even aware of how sick he really was.
And one day, my dad said something like,
"Just be sure you, like, come home tonight.
"It, like, gives me hope that you're around still."
Took a final at school, went home to check on him,
got there around 3:45...
and I just found him, and he had died.
(MUSIC FADES)
And, yeah, so it was really...
it was really overwhelming.
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
GAVIN: My dad died.
And I didn't know what was gonna happen to me.
No... And no one can really understand, you know?
And I called my brother,
and he took the mantle of, like, calling all of our family members
because I was in shock. I mean, I was truly in shock.
I did not see it coming.
And, uh, the coroner was like,
"How old are you?" (LAUGHS SHAKILY)
And I said, "I'm 18." And I had been 18 for a month.
And he kind of closes his notebook and he was like, "I'm so sorry."
And that was it. And I was like, "What do I do?"
And he said, "You can do anything, you can go anywhere."
And I just felt...
so, like...
displaced from my life.
And, like, unmoored to reality in so many ways.
And I was still in high school. I was like, "Where do I go
"when I have nobody telling me where to go?"
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
GAVIN: It was like I was running on this platform
and it felt like I was so close to my goal,
which was to get to college.
I really viewed that as, like, a thing that could take me somewhere
and give me a shot at life.
And like the platform fell.
(RUMBLING)
(WOOD CREAKING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
But there were so many people there to catch me.
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)
Just the outpouring of support that I received from students, from teachers.
People who were so concerned.
My whole community rallied around me,
and I had so many people who were really supportive
and started, like, a meal drive
and they would, like, make meals for me three nights a week.
NATALIE: I just remember saying, you know, "Whatever you need.
"If you just need to talk. If you need to, you know, just cry.
"Whatever you need."
And I graduated the top of my class,
because of all those people who were there for me.
And I was admitted to the college I wanted on a full-ride scholarship,
which is just crazy.
I mean, I cried when I got the financial aid I needed.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
GAVIN: I would have moments of grief
where it would kind of hit me that, like, my dad's not here
and he didn't get to know that it was all worth it
and that I'm going off to college now and it's gonna be okay.
SINGER: It was just like I remember Memories hanging in the air
Slip into a known familiar...
GAVIN: His willingness to kind of say,
"Even when the platform is falling behind you, there's always a way."
SINGER: Within seconds I am home Every time I turn to you...
GAVIN: (OVER MICROPHONE) I'm standing here now
literally because of the support that I received.
I could think of hundreds of people who've shown up for me
in the last six years and specifically the last six months.
Thank you for showing up for all of us
in this messy experience called "growing up."
I hope that you remember your worth
and your power to achieve anything you truly want.
Part of living in this existence is the necessity
to understand that life is hard.
You're tired and you're knocked down, you just want a break.
That's when it's hard to keep going.
But that's what separates your success from your failure,
your ability to keep going.
It takes courage to get back up and keep moving forward.
It is not easy.
Always choose to keep going.
Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
We did it!
Whoo!
SINGER: This will always be my home...
GAVIN: I was so ready,
like, this is what I've been working for and what I've been waiting for.
SINGER: This will always be my home This will always be my home
(MUSIC ENDS)
GAVIN: And so I quit my job, I closed up the apartment I was living in,
and moved to New York City.
(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS)
Seeing how my dad was so sick and how my family struggled
dealing with the healthcare system just in general...
really made me feel like I could do something about it.
And I was like, "If I become a nurse, no one in my family
"will have to wonder how to take care of themselves," you know?
Or like, what's going on with their body.
They say dream big, bright, and change the world.
And I approach my nursing profession, right now, at least,
as "If you change one person's life, you change the world."
You can be born into a situation you have no control over
and that you could, like, do nothing wrong
and end up feeling so ashamed of where you are.
I was just a kid, you know? And I look at it now and think of myself,
that there was nothing to be ashamed of.
(MUSIC ENDS)
And that's it, probably.
-(CHUCKLES) -(APPLAUSE)
We started this, this hangout, with the thesis of,
does it help to share your story?
Does it help to hear another person's story?
We didn't know what was gonna happen.
We just wanted to tell the story of what it's like to be young.
But I want to hear from you what this experience was like.
It was honestly the most surreal experience ever.
I will admit, I had, like, a lot of nerves. (CHUCKLES)
And it was very new for me.
But to hear so many other stories,
we all resonated and almost had the same feelings.
I'm not even gonna lie, I was so scared. (LAUGHS)
I was so scared, I was like, "Not me being on TV," and...
(ALL LAUGHING)
No, for real, and exposing myself to the entire world.
But... 'Cause I carried a lot of shame,
and that shame, to be able to, like, bare yourself,
not in front of you guys, but to everyone who's gonna see this,
is such a scary thing.
But something I realized while sitting here and listening to myself
and listening to all of you all
is that shame was just like puddles of water,
and the more I talked and the more I hear you guys,
it just rolled off.
There's stuff about growing up that's universal.
We were all looking for connection, for direction, for love, for growth.
I think about, all the time, you know, "What would it be like if...
"if we lived in a world without that shame? If...
"What would it be like if we lived in a world where kids didn't learn
"to hate themselves first, but we just stayed with that love?"
One thing that I draw from this is just a lot of hope, you know?
A lot of hope.
I just can't wait for everybody to see each of these episodes
because it's going to speak to people who aren't trans, right?
My episode's not just for people who are trans.
There's something for every single person to learn.
We've all had our different trials and tribulations,
but that doesn't make our experiences, like, any less valid.
Like, there's no reason to discount your feelings
just because you have a certain amount of privilege.
All of us have a certain amount of privilege.
This isn't just people just putting their trauma,
like, on the table. And that's, like, a critique that,
you know, the poetry world has, it's like, are people just out here
showing their trauma and getting, like, claps? Like, that's not healthy.
You know, but this is, like, steps to how you can, like,
recover in some cases, right?
My favorite thing about this project after, like,
growing up looking for representation, is that it doesn't end sad.
-And I think that's so important... -Yes.
-...to project... -Yeah.
...and to show, is that stories like these don't have to end sad,
and they haven't ended sad for all of us.
We, like, made these connections that usually take,
like, a very, very long time to make because we were forced
-to be extraordinarily personal. -SAGE: Mm-hmm.
I think it's really liberating to know that you're not alone
and I felt like, a huge sense of relief kind of wash over me when,
you know, people would snap for me or they would come up
after I was done talking and say, "I so related to what you said."
And I was like, "Thank you." You know?
I think that's why each of us did this, is I want people to watch it
and feel that sense of relief wash over them about,
"I can't believe someone did that, and I thought I was the only one
"who ever felt that way."
I am so glad I met you guys.
FEMALE VOICE: Yeah. This has been so cool.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -VANESSA: Thank you.
ALL: Group hug!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Growing up is so many things.
Growing up is unpredictable.
Growing up is a tumultuous experience.
Growing up is messy.
Realizing that, though you know who you are,
you know not who you will become.
Growing up is a protest.
Growing up is a license to fail.
It's awkward, hard.
Growing up can feel really lonely,
but everyone else is doing it around you too.
You never know what life can throw at you.
You learn so much about yourself and who you wanna be.
Realizing that the world doesn't revolve around you
but that your needs are still important.
That you're not alone in the world as you may feel.
So, it's important to find community.
Growing up is mandatory, but you'll get through it.
(MUSIC FADES)