1 00:00:05,797 --> 00:00:09,134 And now... a Vanesja moment. 2 00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:12,470 I used to do this piece where I'd go to restaurants 3 00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:15,181 and pretend I got stood up. 4 00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:16,474 Ugh. 5 00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:18,018 I'd get my dinner for free, 6 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,310 and then I'd leave. 7 00:00:19,310 --> 00:00:20,645 Sorry. 8 00:00:20,645 --> 00:00:22,605 Oh, I'm so sorry. 9 00:00:22,605 --> 00:00:23,815 But that night, 10 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,108 maybe it was the wine, 11 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,985 maybe it was the moon, 12 00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:30,321 but I was so taken by the waiter. 13 00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:31,906 Hello. 14 00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:34,534 Hey, what's up? 15 00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:35,827 You're clumsy. 16 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,038 I was leaving his dorm in the morning 17 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,040 when I noticed it for the first time. 18 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,875 A puzzling discovery. 19 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,544 An empty Gatorade bottle. 20 00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:46,713 Soon, I'd learn that all young, straight men 21 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:50,925 are obsessed with collecting these in their bedroom. 22 00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:54,137 Then I was at a completely different restaurant, 23 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:57,140 served by a totally different waiter, 24 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,684 yet something felt familiar. 25 00:00:59,684 --> 00:01:01,353 No matter what restaurant, 26 00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:02,604 what waiter, 27 00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:04,397 what dorm-- 28 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:06,566 same symbol. 29 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,401 Tell me about this piece right here. 30 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:09,486 What do you mean? 31 00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:12,030 This altar. 32 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:13,156 The bottles. 33 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:15,158 Oh, it's whatever. 34 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:18,411 It's clearly not "whatever." 35 00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:22,165 It was as if they made a pact. 36 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,167 Why won't you tell me about the bottles? 37 00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:26,711 It's just, like, with everything going on 38 00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:28,463 with midterms right now, 39 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:31,007 I think I'm gonna have to switch advisors. 40 00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:33,635 Definitely if I want to go abroad. 41 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,429 Right. 42 00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:39,474 Were they meant to represent possibilities? 43 00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,434 Potential? 44 00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:42,936 How's everything tasting? 45 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:45,730 Nice. 46 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:49,150 Perhaps it wasn't for me to understand. 47 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:52,320 Perhaps their obtuseness was a way of saying, 48 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,280 "Stay out of this, Vanesja. 49 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:57,325 "You have your life, your career, 50 00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:59,077 "beautiful clothes. 51 00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:01,913 We--we have this." 52 00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:10,005 Oh, OK. 53 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:12,340 Uh, let me get a rag for that. 54 00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:29,107 Thank you. 55 00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:35,113 Oh, OK, so--so--so wait. 56 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:36,448 Sorry, what about that? 57 00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:41,494 This mole thingy is not the issue. 58 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:44,831 It's just a vessel for the issue. 59 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:48,001 And--I lost it. 60 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,044 Whatever. 61 00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:52,380 The point is, your problem is not a mole. 62 00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:54,299 It's that you need proof of existence 63 00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:55,717 for an apartment. 64 00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:58,511 By the way, I just got to your place. 65 00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:02,432 Not to be vulgar, but you're out of toilet paper. 66 00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:05,393 Hello? 67 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,831 - Welcome. - Uh, hi. Hi. Hello. 68 00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:27,999 - Hi. Hello, hello. - Hi, hi, hi. 69 00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:29,000 Hi. 70 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,126 Uh, I'm Julio. I'm an Aquarius. 71 00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:31,336 I got struck by lightning when I was a child, 72 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:32,921 and now I see the world a little differently, 73 00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:34,339 and I'm allergic to the color yellow. 74 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:36,299 90 seconds remaining. 75 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,301 OK. 76 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:40,345 Um, I--I'm here because this-- 77 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:43,181 this mole has--has, uh, grown. 78 00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:45,058 Mm. 79 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,267 No, it hasn't. 80 00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,019 It's a birthmark. 81 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:50,188 No, it--it--it has. 82 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,189 It's grown. 83 00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:52,273 Yeah, I really don't think so. 84 00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:55,860 I don't want to get sued by an insurance company. 85 00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:57,362 I'm just gonna tell him it's fine. 86 00:03:58,279 --> 00:03:59,239 OK, you don't-- 87 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,657 you don't--you don't think so. 88 00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:02,325 But--but that-- that means that-- 89 00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:03,576 that it could have happened. 90 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:05,870 Well, it does not look suspicious to me. 91 00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,540 Right, but you wouldn't be able to tell 92 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:10,959 if it's suspicious or not unless you get a biopsy, right? 93 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:11,960 So--so--so you see what I mean? 94 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,086 - Like-- - I see. 95 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,379 - Instead of wasting time-- - 30 seconds remaining. 96 00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:15,630 Your time, my time-- 97 00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:18,091 maybe we can just go ahead and order a biopsy. 98 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,801 If this were actually something, 99 00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:25,223 you'd be in the, like, 0.0000000000... 100 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,683 20 seconds remaining. 101 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:31,896 0000000001% of cases. 102 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,276 That's me, is the thing. 103 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,319 Have you been measuring it? 104 00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,572 Are you sure it's grown? 105 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:41,573 Yes. 106 00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,575 Because it was the exact same size 107 00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:46,661 as an earring that I lost at a--at a, um-- 108 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:48,163 like, a queer rave. 109 00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:49,372 So if I find it, I could-- 110 00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:51,666 I could--I can prove to you that it's--that-- 111 00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:52,917 that I know-- 112 00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:53,918 I know we're running out of time, 113 00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:56,129 but I can prove to you that it's--it's grown. 114 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,256 And--and we can biopsy this and--and treat me. 115 00:04:58,256 --> 00:05:00,008 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Sure. 116 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,386 Good luck with that, patient in exam room five. 117 00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:04,846 Next! 118 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:06,431 Thank you for choosing us. 119 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:08,433 Remember to take all your belongings. 120 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,477 The little oyster must be at the club. 121 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,191 Ugh, OK, so it's not here. 122 00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:17,609 I mean, how small was it? 123 00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:18,610 Well, OK. 124 00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:20,403 Think of the smallest thing you can think of. 125 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,530 OK. 126 00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:24,074 Smaller than that. 127 00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:30,497 Yay! It's Bibo! 128 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,207 What, Bibo? I'm busy. 129 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,208 You need to find an apartment 130 00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:34,376 before they kick you out. 131 00:05:34,376 --> 00:05:35,752 I called Mona. 132 00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,003 She's waiting for you. 133 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,507 Bye-bye. 134 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,889 Look at this beauty. 135 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:50,433 She comes with keys to the mailbox. 136 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,560 Washer, dryer. 137 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:56,398 Um, there are family nights in the movie lounge, 138 00:05:56,398 --> 00:06:00,151 Kiehl's discounts, as well as many other exclusive perks 139 00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,654 that are available for your convenience on the website. 140 00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:03,655 I don't like it. 141 00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:04,739 - You don't like it? - No. 142 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:05,907 I--I don't want my life 143 00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:09,744 to revolve around, um, uh, perks. 144 00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:11,788 Do you have anything a little bit more unique, 145 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,332 like in a clock tower or, like, through a well? 146 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:17,210 This place has a really special energy. 147 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,254 I think you should apply. 148 00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:21,881 You just have to show them proof. 149 00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,216 I don't have proof ID. 150 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,551 No? Why? 151 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,094 Well, I--I-- because I don't-- 152 00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:27,637 I don't believe in it. 153 00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,932 That's very cool. 154 00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,058 Bonjour. 155 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,435 It's me. 156 00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:36,354 I'm back in the big city. 157 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:39,649 I thought it'd be a shame if I missed my favorite senator. 158 00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:41,526 Our usual spot? 159 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,903 Same time? 160 00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,238 Ciao. 161 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,952 Julio, did you get an apartment? 162 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,662 No, of course I didn't get the apartment. 163 00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,831 Everyone's asking for that fucking thing. 164 00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,335 Is your password still SoyDonnieDarko? 165 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,796 I know everything. 166 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:06,468 So this is it? 167 00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,803 It's just, like, a website that I fill out? 168 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:09,929 I believe so. 169 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:10,972 But they--they're-- 170 00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:13,141 I mean, they're asking for stuff that, like-- 171 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,726 How would I even, like-- 172 00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,187 first name, last name? 173 00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,606 You know this, baby. 174 00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:21,066 Yeah. 175 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,152 Come on. 176 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,866 Come on. 177 00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,966 Come on. 178 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:49,260 Don't you think I should be focusing on 179 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:51,012 finding the oyster so I can prove that 180 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,764 the mole has grown and get a biopsy? 181 00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:53,973 That's probably what I should be doing. 182 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,225 Ugh. 183 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,851 I know I lost it at the venue. 184 00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,311 I'm so sure I did. 185 00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,729 I just don't know how or-- 186 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,736 Wait. 187 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:10,281 I was dancing with that little influencer. 188 00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:11,449 That's it. 189 00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,076 I need to pump his little stomach. 190 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,077 Julio! 191 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,078 I'll go find him right now 192 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:16,079 and take him to the urgent care. 193 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,080 Ugh. 194 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,790 Tell Bibo chili night is canceled. 195 00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,166 I'm busy. 196 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,584 Welcome back to "Court TV Live," 197 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,044 where we are about to hear testimony. 198 00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:26,172 Girl, I am gagging at this trial right now. 199 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,341 Please tell me you know what is going on right now. 200 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,677 Child, this elf Dodo is my hero. 201 00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,762 He's suing Santa for unpaid labor. 202 00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:33,763 Mm-mm. 203 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,348 It's getting a little messy too. 204 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,599 No shade. 205 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:38,518 What was your understanding 206 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,937 of your agreement with Mr. Claus? 207 00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,605 Uh, I heard him-- 208 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,274 Mr. Claus--say-- 209 00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:45,275 Objection. 210 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:46,276 Hearsay. 211 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,360 Sustained. 212 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:53,241 I remember-- 213 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:56,661 my understanding was 214 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,705 that we all-- 215 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:02,834 the elves, the reindeer, Santa himself-- 216 00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,669 we do it for the love of Christmas. 217 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:07,839 But that really wasn't the case, was it? 218 00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:11,843 Because you noticed Mr. Claus benefiting from your work. 219 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,094 That's right. 220 00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,096 So Santa doesn't get paid, per se, 221 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:20,852 but he gets deals with Coca-Cola, mall gigs, 222 00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:23,063 movies, touring. 223 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,690 Not to mention, he gets milk and cookies 224 00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:27,650 just for being who he is. 225 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,905 Dodo got Santa by the balls, if you ask me. 226 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:32,906 Mm-hmm. 227 00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,532 I'm Team Dodo, no shade. 228 00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,242 Santa got nothing on him. 229 00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,827 I mean, people really talking about this, though. 230 00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,954 Girl, tell me why my landlord came up to me 231 00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:40,997 talking about some, 232 00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:43,124 "Oh, the elves are trying to cancel Christmas." 233 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:45,126 What? Girl, who says that? 234 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,586 On some da-da-da-da-da. 235 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,672 Oh, if the elves wanted to get paid, 236 00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:50,882 they should just deliver the presents themselves. 237 00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:53,343 But who got the key to the sled? 238 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:54,344 Santa. 239 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,346 Exactly. That's why I was saying. 240 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:59,808 I love somebody who stands up for what they believe in, 241 00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:01,643 and Dodo be doing that, you know what I'm saying? 242 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,019 And not only is he doing it, 243 00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:04,854 but he's doing it and doing it and doing it well. 244 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,773 Wow. Hi, little consumers! 245 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,484 I just moved into the Bank of America Residencies, 246 00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:12,445 and the building is completely empty. 247 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:16,741 It is just me and the bestie, bestie-turned-neighbor, Gina. 248 00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:17,951 - Please don't come kill us. - Where you going? 249 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:18,993 - I get it. - Chester! 250 00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:19,994 Drive! 251 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,663 Oh, my bad! 252 00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:22,872 Girl, they saw me coming. 253 00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:24,457 They was gonna stop anyway. 254 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,834 Oh, yeah, OK. 255 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:26,918 Yeah, keep walking. 256 00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,211 Wait, what? 257 00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,422 There's no emoji for, "Hey, not accusing you of anything, 258 00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:33,049 but I think you swallowed my oyster"? 259 00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:35,552 Ugh, these are not the emojis I need. 260 00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:38,888 What I need is an emoji that is a garden 261 00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:41,016 filled with broken statues, 262 00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:43,476 each representing one of my exes. 263 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,603 That's for when someone texts me asking, 264 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,605 "Hey, who's at the club?" 265 00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:50,025 An emoji that is one of the spoons 266 00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:51,735 from "Beauty and the Beast" 267 00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:54,446 finally getting turned back into a human 268 00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:56,990 but then realizing he's still a servant. 269 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,283 Oh, I see. 270 00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,660 That's for when you get a promotion at work. 271 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,454 Grapes, sir? 272 00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:03,997 An emoji of an orange 273 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,999 that contoured itself to look like a peach. 274 00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:08,626 You can use that when you text, 275 00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:10,795 "Hey, I'm just getting ready." 276 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:12,756 An emoji of the planet Jupiter, 277 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:15,216 shocked when he realizes that scientists have been 278 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,719 referring to him as a gas giant. 279 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,262 That's for when someone accidentally 280 00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:22,015 texts something about you to you. 281 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,851 An emoji of me sitting at the urgent care, 282 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,770 and the nurses recognizing me and going, 283 00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:29,606 "Not this bitch again." 284 00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:30,815 Uh, gender? 285 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,359 Gay. 286 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,027 Any, uh, history of colon cancer? 287 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,070 Ew. 288 00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:36,613 You nasty. 289 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,823 Uh, any prescriptions? 290 00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:39,949 Uppers. 291 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:43,870 Skyler? 292 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:45,997 That's me. 293 00:11:45,997 --> 00:11:47,457 - Room 4. - That's you. 294 00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,384 Oh. 295 00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:58,802 There's an issue with this paperwork. 296 00:11:58,802 --> 00:12:01,012 Sir, like I told you, 297 00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:03,139 I simply cannot process this claim 298 00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,974 because there is no way of verifying that 299 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,309 the card belongs to the patient. 300 00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:07,894 But the card belongs to the patient. 301 00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:09,437 Who else would the card belong to? 302 00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:12,315 Sir, like I said, there is a discrepancy 303 00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,567 on the information you are giving me 304 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,696 and the information that we have on file for said patient. 305 00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:19,155 Yes, but that's because what you have on file 306 00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:22,242 is that he was born on 24/08, which is clearly a typo. 307 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,993 There's no 24th month. 308 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,161 Oh, by the way, 309 00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:27,122 if it helps, I'm smiling warmly. 310 00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:30,583 I'm sorry, but rules are rules. 311 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,502 Rules are rules. 312 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:36,006 Assembly Plan Insurance. 313 00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:37,382 How can I help you today? 314 00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:38,591 What do you mean? 315 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,176 This is the 10th time I've called. 316 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:43,263 As a loyal insurance customer service rep, 317 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,515 there's nothing that excited me more than 318 00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:47,058 when a valued customer gets... 319 00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:48,268 What do you mean there's nothing you can do? 320 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,853 Agitated. 321 00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:52,856 That's the power of working in insurance. 322 00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:53,857 They can kick. 323 00:12:53,857 --> 00:12:54,983 They can scream. 324 00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:57,652 Hell, they can be right, and I can know it. 325 00:12:57,652 --> 00:12:59,863 But I am a soldier for the company, 326 00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:01,740 a defender of the rules. 327 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,200 Assembly Plan Insurance is the company, 328 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,536 and I am his sword. 329 00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:07,829 I'm sorry. 330 00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:10,540 There's simply nothing I can do. 331 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,500 - What do you mean, an hour? - Nothing you can do? 332 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:17,088 However, you are a valued customer. 333 00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,424 I began toying with them by saying, 334 00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:21,134 "How can I help you today?" 335 00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:26,931 But there are disloyal soldiers in our ranks. 336 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:29,434 Sometimes it's just like, 337 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:32,312 why can't we just apologize and help these people? 338 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,730 But, like, don't yell at me. 339 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,565 It's not my fault Assembly Plan sucks. 340 00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:38,151 You don't mean to insinuate 341 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,279 Assembly Plan does not value our customers? 342 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:42,947 It's a fucked-up system. 343 00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,449 It's a flawless system. 344 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:49,662 Designed by flawless minds and entrusted to us. 345 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,339 God, I love insurance 346 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,384 and banks and credit cards 347 00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:06,596 and the military, law, and order. 348 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:09,933 I pity those who do not stand behind us. 349 00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:12,811 Well, now that I'm manager, 350 00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:15,313 we'll try and be a little more human with the customer. 351 00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:16,606 Nice! 352 00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:17,607 Yeah! 353 00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:18,608 Manager? 354 00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,276 Did she say manager? 355 00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,320 I have been working here for seven years, 356 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,906 and the president's daughter gets promoted? 357 00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:27,117 Does she even care about Assembly Plan? 358 00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:31,579 About our rules, our customs, our way of life? 359 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:34,165 Assembly Plan wouldn't betray me like that. 360 00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,961 What? 361 00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,754 I'm manager now. 362 00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,801 It'll be an honor to serve you. 363 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,344 Hmm. 364 00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:51,766 This cannot be. 365 00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,561 They must pay. 366 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:55,937 I'm not a sword. 367 00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,397 I'm a brick. 368 00:14:57,397 --> 00:15:00,483 A brick on the grand wall of Assembly Plan. 369 00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:01,818 They don't care about me. 370 00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:03,528 If they don't care about me, just like 371 00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:06,156 they don't care about valued customers, then fine. 372 00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:07,157 Fine! 373 00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:09,242 Anarchy shall reign. 374 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,745 I will burn it all to the ground. 375 00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,957 I will scorch the earth. 376 00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:22,422 I will use the computer for personal use! 377 00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:27,719 I will take my vacation days for a year from now 378 00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:32,432 and not alert my supervisor till 10 months before! 379 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,727 I need to feel. 380 00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,354 What have I done? 381 00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:40,482 What have I done? Assembly Plan needs me. 382 00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:42,442 Be reasonable, Becca. 383 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,486 You can undo this. 384 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:45,612 What? 385 00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,655 Why won't it let me? 386 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:48,990 Why won't it let me? 387 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,211 Hello? 388 00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:03,380 Hi. How can I help you today? 389 00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,131 I booked a flight on your airline, 390 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:06,466 and I think I need to cancel it. 391 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,884 Uh, mind your tone. 392 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,386 - May I have your unique... - My tone? 393 00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:10,720 Reference number, ma'am? 394 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,972 - My what? - Your unique reference number. 395 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,307 - My reference? - Go ahead. 396 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:15,475 No, you go ahead. 397 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,060 The number, ma'am. 398 00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:18,603 You want my unique reference number? 399 00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:19,604 Yes. 400 00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:20,730 How can I trust you with that? 401 00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:22,607 Give it to me, Becca. 402 00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,776 - You want it? - I need it. 403 00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:28,697 X. 404 00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,156 Yes. 405 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,741 4. 406 00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:33,410 Yes. 407 00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:34,994 A. 408 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,538 As in Apple? 409 00:16:36,538 --> 00:16:38,707 Yes. 410 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,667 J. 411 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:41,668 3. 412 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:42,961 Yes. 413 00:16:42,961 --> 00:16:44,129 3. 414 00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:45,171 Yeah. 415 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,132 - 3. - Yes. 416 00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:48,133 3. 417 00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:49,134 Yes. 418 00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:51,302 9. 419 00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:53,471 I cannot cancel it. 420 00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:54,556 Why? 421 00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:56,266 - It cannot be canceled. - Why? 422 00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:57,267 The rules. 423 00:16:57,267 --> 00:17:01,146 They state I can cancel within 24 hours. 424 00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:03,481 You bought it through a third-party site. 425 00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:06,151 That says I should call you. 426 00:17:06,151 --> 00:17:07,527 So we can tell you that. 427 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,987 That's nasty. 428 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:10,530 Watch your tone. 429 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,740 That's nasty! 430 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:12,824 My hands are tied. 431 00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,159 You tied them. 432 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,910 I cannot help you. 433 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,829 I will not help you. 434 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,497 But rest assured... 435 00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:21,499 - Say it. - Say what? 436 00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:22,500 What am I? 437 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,753 You are a... 438 00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:26,629 valued... 439 00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:29,007 customer. 440 00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:31,885 And don't forget to rate us after this call. 441 00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:32,969 Mm. 442 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,561 I'm sorry, but rules are rules. 443 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:45,648 However, you are a valued customer. 444 00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:46,900 Oh, I have to go. 445 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,068 Sorry. Hi. 446 00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,486 Hi. How'd it go? 447 00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:51,029 I don't have any diamonds in my tummy. 448 00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:53,031 That's not the answer we were hoping for. 449 00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:55,450 The X-rays don't show anything abnormal. 450 00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:58,870 His esophagus shows no lesions, which it would 451 00:17:58,870 --> 00:17:59,996 if he had swallowed an earring. 452 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:01,873 - No lesions in the esophagus? - None. 453 00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:03,750 That's a shock to both of us. 454 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,043 I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. 455 00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:06,670 I'm just in a bad mood. 456 00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,004 Um, OK. 457 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,923 And now you need to let go of this. 458 00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:10,965 - OK. - OK. 459 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,467 - You're right. - Mm-hmm. 460 00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:13,718 I'll just find the oyster 461 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,762 and prove to you that my mole has grown. 462 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:16,971 Mm-hmm. 463 00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:44,833 Hi, consumers. 464 00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:47,377 So today is Bi Visibility Day. 465 00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:49,713 And to celebrate all the bis around the world, 466 00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:52,090 I have teamed up with Clorox, 467 00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:56,011 the all-gender-inclusive germ killer. 468 00:18:58,763 --> 00:18:59,889 Hi, consumers. 469 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:02,559 So today is Bi Visibility Day. 470 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,811 And to celebrate all the bis around the world, 471 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,188 I have teamed up with Clorox, 472 00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,690 the all-gender-- 473 00:19:58,448 --> 00:19:59,741 Gina? 474 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:02,744 Gina. 475 00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,079 What? 476 00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:08,291 Can I borrow your charger? 477 00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:09,584 What's wrong? 478 00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:12,003 What the fuck do you care? 479 00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:15,632 I've been a wreck all week. 480 00:20:15,632 --> 00:20:17,509 Charles left me. 481 00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:19,177 What? 482 00:20:19,177 --> 00:20:21,137 I have to move out. 483 00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:22,889 And I don't even know where to start, 484 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:26,518 and I can't get this fucking Tibetan Kabbalah 485 00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:29,646 whatever string off he gave me! 486 00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:32,273 Wait, wait. 487 00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:33,900 Why do you have to move out? 488 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,361 Because he pays for everything, genius! 489 00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:39,239 Oh, that's so fucked up! 490 00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:40,990 I'm gonna ask if I can post about this. 491 00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:43,535 This is, like, cancelable stuff. 492 00:20:43,535 --> 00:20:45,662 For what? 493 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:46,746 Grooming. 494 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:47,956 Grooming? 495 00:20:47,956 --> 00:20:49,958 I'm 32. 496 00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:53,169 That's the whole fucking problem! 497 00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:57,340 I knew I shouldn't have eaten all of that pasta. 498 00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:00,510 But he took me to Italy, 499 00:21:00,510 --> 00:21:03,346 and I just kept eating and eating and eating. 500 00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:05,932 And then I'd come home and I'd Peloton to death, 501 00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:08,935 and then I can't even show off the new tits I got for him, 502 00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:10,520 which--guess what. 503 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,604 Too fake! 504 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,231 Natural is in! 505 00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,524 So then I push them down 506 00:21:14,524 --> 00:21:16,484 so that they can fall naturally. 507 00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,028 And it's like, for what? 508 00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,320 You know, who am I? 509 00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,491 Babe, you're beautiful. 510 00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:25,910 And I know exactly what you're going through. 511 00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:27,162 I've been there. 512 00:21:27,162 --> 00:21:29,748 I've been... there. 513 00:21:29,748 --> 00:21:31,124 Yeah. 514 00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:34,210 You will. 515 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,920 No, like, I've been there. 516 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,547 Like, all men are trash. 517 00:21:37,547 --> 00:21:39,758 That's not what I mean. 518 00:21:39,758 --> 00:21:43,845 What are you gonna do when all of this ends, huh? 519 00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:45,180 What is "all of this"? 520 00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:47,599 You think you can just live 521 00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:50,060 off of moving your tight little body 522 00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:53,563 and sticking your tongue out for forever? 523 00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:56,733 Well, TikTok is really just like a stepping stone. 524 00:21:56,733 --> 00:21:58,860 Stepping stone to what? 525 00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:00,320 My brand. 526 00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:02,489 Of what? 527 00:22:02,489 --> 00:22:03,907 Lifestyle. 528 00:22:03,907 --> 00:22:06,284 I told you! 529 00:22:06,284 --> 00:22:08,286 Right. 530 00:22:08,286 --> 00:22:11,289 So those perfume bottles you draw in that empty notebook 531 00:22:11,289 --> 00:22:14,084 you bring to Fire Island every year? 532 00:22:14,084 --> 00:22:17,087 They're throwing money at you right now. 533 00:22:17,087 --> 00:22:22,258 They're paying for you to live in a nice apartment for a year. 534 00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:25,428 Celebrities pay you to pretend to be their friends, 535 00:22:25,428 --> 00:22:27,681 all because they want young people to want them. 536 00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:32,310 And your little consumers are young people for now. 537 00:22:32,310 --> 00:22:35,188 But, you know, you'll age. 538 00:22:36,481 --> 00:22:39,442 And then your little consumers will age. 539 00:22:39,442 --> 00:22:41,111 And then those people will get old, 540 00:22:41,111 --> 00:22:43,446 and then a new crop of little sheep will just pop up, 541 00:22:43,446 --> 00:22:45,699 and they'll have their own style. 542 00:22:45,699 --> 00:22:47,450 And I know you're probably thinking, 543 00:22:47,450 --> 00:22:48,743 but what about my acting career? 544 00:22:48,743 --> 00:22:50,954 That's not it. My acting career. 545 00:22:50,954 --> 00:22:53,164 Sure. You know, go for it. 546 00:22:53,164 --> 00:22:54,874 But do it fast. 547 00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,793 You won't be young forever. 548 00:22:59,212 --> 00:23:00,630 You're insane. 549 00:23:04,134 --> 00:23:05,593 Come on. 550 00:23:05,593 --> 00:23:06,594 Thanks. 551 00:23:06,594 --> 00:23:08,179 No problem, no problem. 552 00:23:11,641 --> 00:23:16,646 Hey, um, do you think I'll ever, like, be over? 553 00:23:16,646 --> 00:23:17,814 Like, fall off? 554 00:23:21,276 --> 00:23:22,569 Nah, boss. 555 00:23:22,569 --> 00:23:24,070 Look, I love the new TikTok. 556 00:23:24,070 --> 00:23:25,071 Come on. 557 00:23:27,532 --> 00:23:28,491 Thanks. 558 00:23:28,491 --> 00:23:31,077 Um, which one? 559 00:23:31,077 --> 00:23:32,454 Yeah, this is good. 560 00:23:32,454 --> 00:23:34,080 Yeah, which one? 561 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,416 Oh, no, this is-- this is that new app, RealUs. 562 00:23:36,416 --> 00:23:37,792 My baby niece showed it to me. 563 00:23:37,792 --> 00:23:38,793 All her friends on it. 564 00:23:38,793 --> 00:23:40,920 Yo, it's so fun-- are you on it? 565 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,005 No. 566 00:23:42,005 --> 00:23:43,340 Should I be? 567 00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:44,466 I don't know. 568 00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:45,759 Nah, you know, 569 00:23:45,759 --> 00:23:47,677 everybody on it is in, like, middle school. 570 00:23:54,225 --> 00:23:56,436 That's, like, right before high school, right? 571 00:23:58,396 --> 00:23:59,522 Huh? 572 00:24:01,566 --> 00:24:03,443 It's good, though. 573 00:24:12,577 --> 00:24:14,704 Vine. 574 00:24:14,704 --> 00:24:16,456 What? 575 00:24:16,456 --> 00:24:20,877 Ask them what happened to Vine and MySpace. 576 00:24:20,877 --> 00:24:22,462 Who's there? 577 00:24:25,006 --> 00:24:26,216 Hello? 578 00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:29,969 Hello? 579 00:24:45,318 --> 00:24:47,737 Cheap charger. 580 00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:50,115 Skyler. 581 00:24:50,115 --> 00:24:54,119 It is I, that who gives and that who takes. 582 00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:56,246 Hi, algorithm. 583 00:24:56,246 --> 00:24:59,332 Skyler, my dear Skyler. 584 00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:01,793 What were you doing? 585 00:25:01,793 --> 00:25:04,504 I was trying to make a profile on that new app. 586 00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:08,008 And why would you be doing that, my dear? 587 00:25:08,008 --> 00:25:11,136 We need you on your app with those your age. 588 00:25:11,136 --> 00:25:12,887 They listen to you. 589 00:25:12,887 --> 00:25:15,807 OK, but how long are they going to care? 590 00:25:15,807 --> 00:25:18,727 Are you not grateful for the gifts we've given to you? 591 00:25:18,727 --> 00:25:23,523 Are you not grateful for the gifts of the algorithm? 592 00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:24,941 OK, I am. 593 00:25:24,941 --> 00:25:28,236 But, like, what if TikTok disappears? 594 00:25:28,236 --> 00:25:31,114 Or--or what if it becomes something that I'm not? 595 00:25:31,114 --> 00:25:33,283 You are but stardust, my dear. 596 00:25:33,283 --> 00:25:36,953 A drop in gray tides, your skills nontransferable. 597 00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:39,706 And no, none of these brands will care. 598 00:25:39,706 --> 00:25:42,751 You're a building block in a never-ending tower. 599 00:25:42,751 --> 00:25:45,003 I'll be honest with my followers. 600 00:25:45,003 --> 00:25:46,004 Hmm? 601 00:25:46,004 --> 00:25:48,048 I'll leave it all behind if I have to. 602 00:25:48,048 --> 00:25:50,592 They already left you behind. 603 00:25:50,592 --> 00:25:52,218 Hi, my little consumers. 604 00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:53,219 It's me, Skyler. 605 00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:54,220 No. 606 00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:55,513 Ah! We love you, Skyler. 607 00:25:55,513 --> 00:25:56,890 You have such nice-- 608 00:25:56,890 --> 00:25:57,891 OMG, shoot me! 609 00:25:57,891 --> 00:25:59,017 He's so hot! 610 00:25:59,017 --> 00:26:01,978 Oh, your comments are so sweet. 611 00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:04,689 And I'm so humbled by all the love. 612 00:26:10,612 --> 00:26:12,447 Goodbye, Skyler. 613 00:26:18,078 --> 00:26:19,954 Hi, my little consumers. 614 00:26:19,954 --> 00:26:21,289 I've teamed up with Dark Water, 615 00:26:21,289 --> 00:26:22,832 this new company that sells super soft-- 616 00:26:22,832 --> 00:26:24,626 Sir, like we told you, 617 00:26:24,626 --> 00:26:26,211 we cannot biopsy without a referral. 618 00:26:26,211 --> 00:26:28,171 OK, see, that's a-- that's a problem, 619 00:26:28,171 --> 00:26:30,382 because I've spoken to seven different doctors... 620 00:26:30,382 --> 00:26:31,383 - Julio... - And I'm starting-- 621 00:26:31,383 --> 00:26:32,842 When was the last time you got laid? 622 00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:34,344 Bibo! Who taught you that? 623 00:26:34,344 --> 00:26:36,513 When was the last time you came? 624 00:26:37,514 --> 00:26:38,807 Bibo! 625 00:26:42,477 --> 00:26:43,853 Maybe Bibo's right. 626 00:26:43,853 --> 00:26:46,106 I need to let this go and live my life. 627 00:26:46,106 --> 00:26:47,232 OK. 628 00:26:47,232 --> 00:26:49,067 Be a person, be a human, be a happy, happy-- 629 00:26:49,067 --> 00:26:50,360 Are you tired of all this? 630 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:51,361 Huh. 631 00:26:51,361 --> 00:26:52,362 Why not give it up 632 00:26:52,362 --> 00:26:54,989 and allow yourself to be happy? 633 00:26:56,908 --> 00:26:58,159 It's--OK. 634 00:26:58,159 --> 00:27:01,162 Free yourself from the burden of having a body. 635 00:27:01,162 --> 00:27:03,164 No body, no pain. 636 00:27:03,164 --> 00:27:06,042 Learn about our incorporeal services 637 00:27:06,042 --> 00:27:08,461 and upload yourself today.