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[TV static drones]
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00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,713
[bright tone]
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And now...
a Vanesja moment.
4
00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:12,470
I used to do this piece
where I'd go to restaurants
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and pretend I got stood up.
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Ugh.
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I'd get my dinner for free,
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and then I'd leave.
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Sorry.
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Oh, I'm so sorry.
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But that night,
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maybe it was the wine,
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maybe it was the moon,
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but I was so taken
by the waiter.
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Hello.
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Hey, what's up?
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[chuckles]
You're clumsy.
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I was leaving his dorm
in the morning
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when I noticed it
for the first time.
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A puzzling discovery.
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An empty Gatorade bottle.
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Soon, I'd learn that
all young, straight men
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are obsessed with collecting
these in their bedroom.
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Then I was at a completely
different restaurant,
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served by
a totally different waiter,
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yet something felt familiar.
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No matter what restaurant,
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what waiter,
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what dorm--
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same symbol.
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Tell me about this piece
right here.
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What do you mean?
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This altar.
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The bottles.
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Oh, it's whatever.
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It's clearly not "whatever."
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It was as if they made a pact.
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Why won't you tell me
about the bottles?
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It's just, like,
with everything going on
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with midterms right now,
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I think I'm gonna
have to switch advisors.
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Definitely
if I want to go abroad.
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[dramatic music]
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Right.
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Were they meant
to represent possibilities?
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Potential?
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How's everything tasting?
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♪ ♪
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Nice.
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Perhaps it wasn't
for me to understand.
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Perhaps their obtuseness
was a way of saying,
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"Stay out of this, Vanesja.
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"You have your life,
your career,
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"beautiful clothes.
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We--we have this."
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♪ ♪
57
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Oh, OK.
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Uh, let me get a rag for that.
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[soft music]
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♪ ♪
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[dramatic music]
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♪ ♪
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[whispering] Thank you.
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♪ ♪
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Oh, OK, so--so--so wait.
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Sorry, what about that?
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This mole thingy
is not the issue.
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It's just a vessel
for the issue.
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And--I lost it.
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Whatever.
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The point is,
your problem is not a mole.
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It's that you need
proof of existence
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for an apartment.
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By the way,
I just got to your place.
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Not to be vulgar,
but you're out of toilet paper.
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Hello?
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[soft vocalizing]
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♪ ♪
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[knocking]
- Welcome.
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Uh, hi. Hi. Hello.
81
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- Hi. Hello, hello.
- Hi, hi, hi.
82
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Hi.
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00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,126
Uh, I'm Julio.
I'm an Aquarius.
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I got struck by lightning
when I was a child,
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and now I see the world
a little differently,
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and I'm allergic
to the color yellow.
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90 seconds remaining.
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OK.
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Um, I--I'm here because this--
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this mole has--has, uh, grown.
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Mm.
92
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,267
No, it hasn't.
93
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It's a birthmark.
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No, it--it--it has.
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It's grown.
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Yeah,
I really don't think so.
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[eerie music]
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I don't want to get sued
by an insurance company.
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I'm just gonna tell him
it's fine.
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OK, you don't--
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you don't--you don't think so.
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But--but that--
that means that--
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that it could have happened.
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Well, it does not
look suspicious to me.
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Right, but you wouldn't
be able to tell
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if it's suspicious or not
unless you get a biopsy, right?
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So--so--so you see what I mean?
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Like--
- I see.
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- Instead of wasting time--
- 30 seconds remaining.
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Your time, my time--
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maybe we can just go ahead
and order a biopsy.
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If this were
actually something,
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you'd be in the, like,
0.0000000000...
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20 seconds remaining.
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0000000001% of cases.
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That's me, is the thing.
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Have you been measuring it?
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Are you sure it's grown?
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Yes.
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Because it was
the exact same size
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as an earring that I lost
at a--at a, um--
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like, a queer rave.
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So if I find it, I could--
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I could--I can prove to you
that it's--that--
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that I know--
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I know we're
running out of time,
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but I can prove to you
that it's--it's grown.
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And--and we can biopsy this
and--and treat me.
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Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Sure.
130
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Good luck with that,
patient in exam room five.
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Next!
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Thank you for choosing us.
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Remember to take
all your belongings.
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The little oyster
must be at the club.
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♪ ♪
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Ugh, OK, so it's not here.
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I mean, how small was it?
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Well, OK.
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Think of the smallest thing
you can think of.
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OK.
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Smaller than that.
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[phone ringing]
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Yay! It's Bibo!
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What, Bibo?
I'm busy.
145
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You need to find
an apartment
146
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before they kick you out.
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I called Mona.
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She's waiting for you.
149
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[singer vocalizing]
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Bye-bye.
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[suspenseful music]
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♪ ♪
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Look at this beauty.
154
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She comes with keys
to the mailbox.
155
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Washer, dryer.
156
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:56,398
Um, there are family nights
in the movie lounge,
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Kiehl's discounts, as well
as many other exclusive perks
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that are available for your
convenience on the website.
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I don't like it.
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00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:04,739
- You don't like it?
- No.
161
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I--I don't want my life
162
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to revolve around,
um, uh, perks.
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Do you have anything
a little bit more unique,
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like in a clock tower
or, like, through a well?
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This place has
a really special energy.
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[clicking, beeping]
I think you should apply.
167
00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:21,881
You just have to show them
proof.
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I don't have proof ID.
169
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No? Why?
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00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,094
Well, I--I--
because I don't--
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I don't believe in it.
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That's very cool.
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Bonjour.
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[door closes]
It's me.
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I'm back in the big city.
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I thought it'd be a shame if
I missed my favorite senator.
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Our usual spot?
178
00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,903
Same time?
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00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,238
Ciao.
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00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,952
Julio, did you get
an apartment?
181
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No, of course
I didn't get the apartment.
182
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,873
Everyone's asking
for that fucking thing.
183
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,335
Is your password
still SoyDonnieDarko?
184
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,796
[whispering] I know everything.
185
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,467
[mysterious music]
186
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:06,468
So this is it?
187
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,803
It's just, like, a website
that I fill out?
188
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:09,888
I believe so.
189
00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:10,972
But they--they're--
190
00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:13,141
I mean, they're asking
for stuff that, like--
191
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,726
How would I even, like--
192
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,187
first name, last name?
193
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,606
You know this, baby.
194
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Yeah.
195
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:22,442
♪ ♪
196
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,152
Come on.
197
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:27,864
[tense music]
198
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,866
Come on.
199
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:36,956
♪ ♪
200
00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:46,966
Come on.
201
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:49,219
Don't you think
I should be focusing on
202
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:51,012
finding the oyster
so I can prove that
203
00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,764
the mole has grown
and get a biopsy?
204
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:53,973
That's probably
what I should be doing.
205
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,225
Ugh.
206
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,851
I know I lost it at the venue.
207
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,311
I'm so sure I did.
208
00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,729
I just don't know how or--
209
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:02,732
[mysterious music]
210
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:05,402
♪ ♪
211
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:06,736
Wait.
212
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:10,281
I was dancing with
that little influencer.
213
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:11,449
That's it.
214
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,076
I need to pump
his little stomach.
215
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,077
Julio!
216
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,078
I'll go find him right now
217
00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:16,079
and take him
to the urgent care.
218
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,080
Ugh.
219
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,790
Tell Bibo
chili night is canceled.
220
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,166
I'm busy.
221
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,584
Welcome back
to "Court TV Live,"
222
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,044
where we are about
to hear testimony.
223
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:26,172
Girl, I am gagging
at this trial right now.
224
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,341
Please tell me you know
what is going on right now.
225
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,635
Child, this elf Dodo
is my hero.
226
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:32,762
He's suing Santa
for unpaid labor.
227
00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:33,763
Mm-mm.
228
00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,306
It's getting
a little messy too.
229
00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,599
No shade.
230
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:38,476
What was your understanding
231
00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:40,937
of your agreement
with Mr. Claus?
232
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,605
Uh, I heard him--
233
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,274
Mr. Claus--say--
234
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:45,275
Objection.
235
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:46,276
Hearsay.
236
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,360
Sustained.
237
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:53,241
I remember--
238
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:56,661
my understanding was
239
00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,663
that we all--
240
00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:02,834
the elves, the reindeer,
Santa himself--
241
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,669
we do it for
the love of Christmas.
242
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:07,839
But that really
wasn't the case, was it?
243
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:11,843
Because you noticed Mr. Claus
benefiting from your work.
244
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,094
That's right.
245
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,096
So Santa doesn't
get paid, per se,
246
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:20,852
but he gets deals
with Coca-Cola, mall gigs,
247
00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:23,063
movies, touring.
248
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,690
Not to mention,
he gets milk and cookies
249
00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:27,692
just for being who he is.
250
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:31,905
Dodo got Santa by the balls,
if you ask me.
251
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:32,906
Mm-hmm.
252
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,532
I'm Team Dodo, no shade.
253
00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,201
Santa got nothing on him.
254
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:37,827
I mean, people really
talking about this, though.
255
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,954
Girl, tell me why
my landlord came up to me
256
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:40,997
talking about some,
257
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:43,124
"Oh, the elves are trying
to cancel Christmas."
258
00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:45,126
What? Girl, who says that?
259
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,544
On some da-da-da-da-da.
260
00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:48,672
Oh, if the elves wanted
to get paid,
261
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:50,882
they should just deliver
the presents themselves.
262
00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:53,343
But who got
the key to the sled?
263
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:54,344
both: Santa.
264
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,346
Exactly.
That's why I was saying.
265
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:59,808
I love somebody who stands up
for what they believe in,
266
00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:01,643
and Dodo be doing that,
you know what I'm saying?
267
00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,019
And not only is he doing it,
268
00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:04,854
but he's doing it and doing it
and doing it well.
269
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,773
Wow.
Hi, little consumers!
270
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,484
I just moved into the Bank
of America Residencies,
271
00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:12,445
and the building is
completely empty.
272
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:16,741
It is just me and the bestie,
bestie-turned-neighbor, Gina.
273
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:17,951
Please don't come kill us.
- Where you going?
274
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:18,993
- I get it.
- Chester!
275
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:19,994
Drive!
[tires screeching]
276
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,663
Oh, my bad!
277
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:22,872
Girl, they saw me coming.
278
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:24,457
They was gonna stop anyway.
279
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,834
Oh, yeah, OK.
280
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:26,918
Yeah, keep walking.
281
00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,211
Wait, what?
282
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,422
There's no emoji for, "Hey,
not accusing you of anything,
283
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:33,049
but I think you
swallowed my oyster"?
284
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:35,552
Ugh, these are not
the emojis I need.
285
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,888
What I need is an emoji
that is a garden
286
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:41,016
filled with broken statues,
287
00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:43,435
each representing
one of my exes.
288
00:10:43,435 --> 00:10:45,603
That's for when someone
texts me asking,
289
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,605
"Hey, who's at the club?"
290
00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:50,025
An emoji that is
one of the spoons
291
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:51,735
from "Beauty and the Beast"
292
00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:54,446
finally getting turned
back into a human
293
00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:56,948
but then realizing
he's still a servant.
294
00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,283
Oh, I see.
295
00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,618
That's for when you get
a promotion at work.
296
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:02,454
Grapes, sir?
297
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:03,955
An emoji of an orange
298
00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:05,957
that contoured itself
to look like a peach.
299
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:07,292
[percussive music]
300
00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:08,626
You can use that
when you text,
301
00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:10,795
"Hey, I'm just getting ready."
302
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:12,756
An emoji
of the planet Jupiter,
303
00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:15,216
shocked when he realizes
that scientists have been
304
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,719
referring to him
as a gas giant.
305
00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,262
That's for when someone
accidentally
306
00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:22,015
texts something about you
to you.
307
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,851
An emoji of me sitting
at the urgent care,
308
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,770
and the nurses recognizing me
and going,
309
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:29,606
"Not this bitch again."
310
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:30,815
Uh, gender?
311
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,359
Gay.
312
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,027
Any, uh, history
of colon cancer?
313
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,070
[laughs] Ew.
314
00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:36,613
You nasty.
315
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,823
Uh, any prescriptions?
316
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:39,949
Uppers.
317
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:43,870
Skyler?
318
00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:45,997
That's me.
319
00:11:45,997 --> 00:11:47,457
- Room 4.
- That's you.
320
00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,342
Oh.
321
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:58,802
There's an issue
with this paperwork.
322
00:11:58,802 --> 00:12:01,012
Sir, like I told you,
323
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:03,139
I simply cannot
process this claim
324
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,974
because there is no way
of verifying that
325
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,309
the card belongs
to the patient.
326
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:07,852
But the card belongs
to the patient.
327
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,437
Who else would the card
belong to?
328
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:12,315
Sir, like I said,
there is a discrepancy
329
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,567
on the information
you are giving me
330
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,696
and the information that we
have on file for said patient.
331
00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:19,155
Yes, but that's because
what you have on file
332
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:22,242
is that he was born on 24/08,
which is clearly a typo.
333
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,993
There's no 24th month.
334
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,161
Oh, by the way,
335
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:27,122
if it helps,
I'm smiling warmly.
336
00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:30,583
I'm sorry,
but rules are rules.
337
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,502
[echoing]
Rules are rules.
338
00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,379
[dramatic music]
339
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:36,006
Assembly Plan Insurance.
340
00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:37,382
How can I help you today?
341
00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:38,591
What do you mean?
342
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,176
This is the 10th time
I've called.
343
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:43,221
As a loyal insurance
customer service rep,
344
00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,515
there's nothing
that excited me more than
345
00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:47,058
when a valued customer gets...
346
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:48,226
What do you mean
there's nothing you can do?
347
00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:49,853
Agitated.
348
00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:52,856
That's the power
of working in insurance.
349
00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:53,857
They can kick.
350
00:12:53,857 --> 00:12:54,983
They can scream.
351
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:57,652
Hell, they can be right,
and I can know it.
352
00:12:57,652 --> 00:12:59,863
But I am a soldier
for the company,
353
00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:01,740
a defender of the rules.
354
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,200
Assembly Plan Insurance is
the company,
355
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,536
and I am his sword.
356
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:07,829
I'm sorry.
357
00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:10,540
There's simply
nothing I can do.
358
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,500
- What do you mean, an hour?
- Nothing you can do?
359
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:17,088
However, you are
a valued customer.
360
00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,424
I began toying with them
by saying,
361
00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:21,134
"How can I help you today?"
362
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:23,678
♪ ♪
363
00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:26,931
But there are disloyal
soldiers in our ranks.
364
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:29,434
Sometimes it's just like,
365
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:32,312
why can't we just apologize
and help these people?
366
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,730
But, like, don't yell at me.
367
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,565
It's not my fault
Assembly Plan sucks.
368
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,775
[chuckles]
369
00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,151
You don't mean to insinuate
370
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,279
Assembly Plan does not
value our customers?
371
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:42,947
It's a fucked-up system.
372
00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,449
It's a flawless system.
373
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,117
[tense music]
374
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:49,621
Designed by flawless minds
and entrusted to us.
375
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:56,711
♪ ♪
376
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:59,297
God, I love insurance
377
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:02,384
and banks and credit cards
378
00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:06,596
and the military,
law, and order.
379
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:09,933
I pity those
who do not stand behind us.
380
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:12,811
Well, now that I'm manager,
381
00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:15,313
we'll try and be a little
more human with the customer.
382
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:16,606
[cheers and applause]
- Nice!
383
00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:17,607
Yeah!
384
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:18,608
Manager?
385
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,276
Did she say manager?
386
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,320
I have been working here
for seven years,
387
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,906
and the president's daughter
gets promoted?
388
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:27,117
Does she even care
about Assembly Plan?
389
00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:31,579
About our rules, our customs,
our way of life?
390
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:34,165
Assembly Plan wouldn't
betray me like that.
391
00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:35,834
♪ ♪
392
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:37,961
What?
393
00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,754
I'm manager now.
394
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:42,716
♪ ♪
395
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,801
It'll be an honor
to serve you.
396
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,344
Hmm.
397
00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:49,848
♪ ♪
398
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:51,766
This cannot be.
399
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,519
They must pay.
400
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:55,937
I'm not a sword.
401
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,355
I'm a brick.
402
00:14:57,355 --> 00:15:00,483
A brick on the grand wall
of Assembly Plan.
403
00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:01,818
They don't care about me.
404
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:03,528
If they don't care about me,
just like
405
00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:06,156
they don't care about
valued customers, then fine.
406
00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:07,157
Fine!
407
00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:09,200
Anarchy shall reign.
408
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,703
I will burn it all
to the ground.
409
00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:13,371
[dramatic music]
410
00:15:13,371 --> 00:15:15,957
I will scorch the earth.
411
00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:18,209
♪ ♪
412
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:22,339
I will use the computer
for personal use!
413
00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:24,090
♪ ♪
414
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:27,719
I will take my vacation days
for a year from now
415
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:32,432
and not alert my supervisor
till 10 months before!
416
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,727
I need to feel.
417
00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,354
What have I done?
418
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:40,482
What have I done?
Assembly Plan needs me.
419
00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:42,442
Be reasonable, Becca.
420
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,486
You can undo this.
421
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:45,612
What?
422
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,655
Why won't it let me?
[beeping]
423
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:48,990
Why won't it let me?
424
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:51,993
[beeping]
425
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:58,083
♪ ♪
426
00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,211
Hello?
427
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:03,380
Hi.
How can I help you today?
428
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,090
I booked a flight
on your airline,
429
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,424
and I think
I need to cancel it.
430
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:07,884
Uh, mind your tone.
431
00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,386
May I have your unique...
- My tone?
432
00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:10,720
Reference number, ma'am?
433
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,931
- My what?
- Your unique reference number.
434
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:14,265
- My reference?
- Go ahead.
435
00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:15,433
No, you go ahead.
436
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,060
The number, ma'am.
437
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:18,603
You want my unique
reference number?
438
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:19,604
Yes.
439
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:20,730
How can I trust you
with that?
440
00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:22,607
Give it to me, Becca.
441
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,776
- You want it?
- I need it.
442
00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:27,696
[dramatic music]
443
00:16:27,696 --> 00:16:28,697
X.
444
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,156
Yes.
445
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,741
4.
446
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:33,410
Yes.
447
00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:34,994
A.
448
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,538
As in Apple?
449
00:16:36,538 --> 00:16:38,707
Yes.
450
00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,667
J.
451
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:41,668
3.
452
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:42,961
Yes.
453
00:16:42,961 --> 00:16:44,129
3.
454
00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:45,171
Yeah.
455
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,132
- 3.
- Yes.
456
00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:48,133
3.
457
00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:49,134
Yes.
458
00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:51,302
9.
459
00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:53,471
I cannot cancel it.
460
00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:54,556
Why?
461
00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:56,266
- It cannot be canceled.
- Why?
462
00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:57,267
The rules.
463
00:16:57,267 --> 00:17:01,146
They state I can cancel
within 24 hours.
464
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:03,481
You bought it
through a third-party site.
465
00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:06,151
That says I should call you.
466
00:17:06,151 --> 00:17:07,485
So we can tell you that.
467
00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:08,987
That's nasty.
468
00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:10,488
Watch your tone.
469
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,740
That's nasty!
470
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:12,824
My hands are tied.
471
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,159
You tied them.
472
00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,910
I cannot help you.
473
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,829
I will not help you.
474
00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,497
But rest assured...
475
00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:21,499
- Say it.
- Say what?
476
00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:22,500
What am I?
477
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,753
You are a...
478
00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:26,629
valued...
479
00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:29,007
customer.
- [moans]
480
00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:31,885
And don't forget to rate us
after this call.
481
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:32,886
Mm.
482
00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:34,304
[pants]
483
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:38,475
♪ ♪
484
00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:41,561
I'm sorry,
but rules are rules.
485
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:45,648
However, you are
a valued customer.
486
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:46,900
Oh, I have to go.
487
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,068
Sorry. Hi.
488
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,486
Hi. How'd it go?
489
00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:51,029
I don't have any diamonds
in my tummy.
490
00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:53,031
That's not the answer
we were hoping for.
491
00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:55,450
The X-rays don't show
anything abnormal.
492
00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:58,870
His esophagus shows no lesions,
which it would
493
00:17:58,870 --> 00:17:59,996
if he had swallowed an earring.
494
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:01,873
- No lesions in the esophagus?
- None.
495
00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:03,708
That's a shock to both of us.
496
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:05,043
I'm sorry.
That was inappropriate.
497
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:06,670
I'm just in a bad mood.
498
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,004
Um, OK.
499
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,881
And now you need
to let go of this.
500
00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:10,965
- OK.
- OK.
501
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,467
- You're right.
- Mm-hmm.
502
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:13,718
I'll just find the oyster
503
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,720
and prove to you
that my mole has grown.
504
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:16,888
Mm-hmm.
505
00:18:16,888 --> 00:18:19,474
[quirky music]
506
00:18:19,474 --> 00:18:20,892
[horn honking]
507
00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:23,895
[dramatic music]
508
00:18:23,895 --> 00:18:30,985
♪ ♪
509
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:44,833
Hi, consumers.
510
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:47,377
So today is Bi Visibility Day.
511
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:49,713
And to celebrate all the bis
around the world,
512
00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:52,090
I have teamed up with Clorox,
513
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:56,011
the all-gender-inclusive
germ killer.
514
00:18:58,763 --> 00:18:59,889
Hi, consumers.
515
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:02,559
So today is Bi Visibility Day.
516
00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,769
And to celebrate all the bis
around the world,
517
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:07,188
I have teamed up with Clorox,
518
00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,690
the all-gender--
519
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:11,776
[chimes]
520
00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:21,202
[person crying]
521
00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:24,205
[eerie music]
522
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:29,210
♪ ♪
523
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:32,213
[crying continues]
524
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:39,304
♪ ♪
525
00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:58,323
[dramatic music]
526
00:19:58,323 --> 00:19:59,741
Gina?
527
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:02,744
Gina.
528
00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,079
What?
529
00:20:04,079 --> 00:20:06,081
[sobbing]
530
00:20:06,081 --> 00:20:08,291
Can I borrow your charger?
531
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:09,584
What's wrong?
532
00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:12,003
What the fuck do you care?
533
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:15,632
I've been a wreck all week.
534
00:20:15,632 --> 00:20:17,509
Charles left me.
535
00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:19,177
What?
536
00:20:19,177 --> 00:20:21,137
I have to move out.
537
00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:22,847
And I don't even know
where to start,
538
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:26,518
and I can't get this fucking
Tibetan Kabbalah
539
00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:29,646
whatever string off he gave me!
540
00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,272
[chimes]
541
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:32,273
Wait, wait.
542
00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:33,900
Why do you have to move out?
543
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,361
Because he pays
for everything, genius!
544
00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:39,239
Oh, that's so fucked up!
545
00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:40,990
I'm gonna ask
if I can post about this.
546
00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:43,493
This is, like,
cancelable stuff.
547
00:20:43,493 --> 00:20:45,662
For what?
548
00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:46,746
Grooming.
549
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:47,956
Grooming?
550
00:20:47,956 --> 00:20:49,958
[laughs] I'm 32.
551
00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:53,169
That's the whole
fucking problem!
552
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:57,340
I knew I shouldn't have eaten
all of that pasta.
553
00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:00,510
But he took me to Italy,
554
00:21:00,510 --> 00:21:03,346
and I just kept eating
and eating and eating.
555
00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:05,890
And then I'd come home
and I'd Peloton to death,
556
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:08,893
and then I can't even show off
the new tits I got for him,
557
00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:10,520
which--guess what.
558
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,563
Too fake!
559
00:21:11,563 --> 00:21:13,231
Natural is in!
560
00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,524
So then I push them down
561
00:21:14,524 --> 00:21:16,484
so that they can
fall naturally.
562
00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,028
And it's like, for what?
563
00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,237
You know, who am I?
564
00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:20,864
[sobbing]
565
00:21:20,864 --> 00:21:23,491
Babe, you're beautiful.
566
00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:25,910
And I know exactly
what you're going through.
567
00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:27,162
I've been there.
568
00:21:27,162 --> 00:21:29,748
I've been... there.
569
00:21:29,748 --> 00:21:31,124
Yeah.
570
00:21:31,124 --> 00:21:32,709
[ominous music]
571
00:21:32,709 --> 00:21:34,210
You will.
572
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,920
No, like, I've been there.
573
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,547
Like, all men are trash.
574
00:21:37,547 --> 00:21:39,758
That's not what I mean.
575
00:21:39,758 --> 00:21:43,845
What are you gonna do
when all of this ends, huh?
576
00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:45,180
What is "all of this"?
577
00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:47,599
You think you can just live
578
00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:50,060
off of moving
your tight little body
579
00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:53,563
and sticking your tongue out
for forever?
580
00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:56,733
Well, TikTok is really
just like a stepping stone.
581
00:21:56,733 --> 00:21:58,860
Stepping stone to what?
582
00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:00,320
My brand.
583
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,446
♪ ♪
584
00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:02,447
Of what?
585
00:22:02,447 --> 00:22:03,907
Lifestyle.
586
00:22:03,907 --> 00:22:06,284
I told you!
587
00:22:06,284 --> 00:22:08,286
Right.
588
00:22:08,286 --> 00:22:11,289
So those perfume bottles
you draw in that empty notebook
589
00:22:11,289 --> 00:22:14,084
you bring to Fire Island
every year?
590
00:22:14,084 --> 00:22:17,087
They're throwing money
at you right now.
591
00:22:17,087 --> 00:22:22,258
They're paying for you to live
in a nice apartment for a year.
592
00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:25,428
Celebrities pay you
to pretend to be their friends,
593
00:22:25,428 --> 00:22:27,639
all because they want
young people to want them.
594
00:22:27,639 --> 00:22:32,310
And your little consumers
are young people for now.
595
00:22:32,310 --> 00:22:35,105
But, you know, you'll age.
596
00:22:35,105 --> 00:22:36,398
♪ ♪
597
00:22:36,398 --> 00:22:39,442
And then your little
consumers will age.
598
00:22:39,442 --> 00:22:41,111
And then those people
will get old,
599
00:22:41,111 --> 00:22:43,446
and then a new crop of little
sheep will just pop up,
600
00:22:43,446 --> 00:22:45,699
and they'll have
their own style.
601
00:22:45,699 --> 00:22:47,450
And I know you're
probably thinking,
602
00:22:47,450 --> 00:22:48,743
but what about
my acting career?
603
00:22:48,743 --> 00:22:50,954
That's not it.
My acting career.
604
00:22:50,954 --> 00:22:53,164
Sure.
You know, go for it.
605
00:22:53,164 --> 00:22:54,874
But do it fast.
606
00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,710
You won't be young forever.
607
00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:59,129
♪ ♪
608
00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:00,672
You're insane.
609
00:23:04,092 --> 00:23:05,593
Come on.
610
00:23:05,593 --> 00:23:06,594
Thanks.
611
00:23:06,594 --> 00:23:08,179
No problem, no problem.
612
00:23:11,599 --> 00:23:16,646
Hey, um, do you think
I'll ever, like, be over?
613
00:23:16,646 --> 00:23:18,148
Like, fall off?
614
00:23:18,148 --> 00:23:21,192
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
615
00:23:21,192 --> 00:23:22,527
Nah, boss.
616
00:23:22,527 --> 00:23:24,029
Look, I love the new TikTok.
617
00:23:24,029 --> 00:23:25,030
Come on.
618
00:23:25,030 --> 00:23:27,449
[laughs]
619
00:23:27,449 --> 00:23:28,491
Thanks.
620
00:23:28,491 --> 00:23:31,036
Um, which one?
621
00:23:31,036 --> 00:23:32,454
Yeah, this is good.
622
00:23:32,454 --> 00:23:34,039
Yeah, which one?
623
00:23:34,039 --> 00:23:36,416
Oh, no, this is--
this is that new app, RealUs.
624
00:23:36,416 --> 00:23:37,792
My baby niece showed it to me.
625
00:23:37,792 --> 00:23:38,793
All her friends on it.
626
00:23:38,793 --> 00:23:40,920
Yo, it's so fun--
are you on it?
627
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,005
No.
628
00:23:42,005 --> 00:23:43,340
[chuckles] Should I be?
629
00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:44,466
I don't know.
630
00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:45,759
Nah, you know,
631
00:23:45,759 --> 00:23:47,594
everybody on it
is in, like, middle school.
632
00:23:47,594 --> 00:23:54,142
♪ ♪
633
00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:56,353
That's, like, right before
high school, right?
634
00:23:56,353 --> 00:23:58,313
[chuckles]
635
00:23:58,313 --> 00:23:59,522
Huh?
636
00:23:59,522 --> 00:24:01,483
[laughs]
637
00:24:01,483 --> 00:24:03,443
It's good, though.
638
00:24:03,443 --> 00:24:10,533
♪ ♪
639
00:24:12,577 --> 00:24:14,704
Vine.
640
00:24:14,704 --> 00:24:16,414
What?
641
00:24:16,414 --> 00:24:20,877
Ask them what happened
to Vine and MySpace.
642
00:24:20,877 --> 00:24:22,420
Who's there?
643
00:24:22,420 --> 00:24:24,923
♪ ♪
644
00:24:24,923 --> 00:24:26,216
Hello?
645
00:24:26,216 --> 00:24:28,426
♪ ♪
646
00:24:28,426 --> 00:24:29,928
Hello?
647
00:24:29,928 --> 00:24:32,764
♪ ♪
648
00:24:32,764 --> 00:24:33,765
[glass clatters, breaks]
649
00:24:33,765 --> 00:24:34,849
[gasps]
650
00:24:45,276 --> 00:24:47,779
Cheap charger.
651
00:24:48,947 --> 00:24:50,115
Skyler.
652
00:24:50,115 --> 00:24:54,119
It is I, that who gives
and that who takes.
653
00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:56,246
Hi, algorithm.
654
00:24:56,246 --> 00:24:59,332
Skyler, my dear Skyler.
655
00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:01,793
What were you doing?
656
00:25:01,793 --> 00:25:04,504
I was trying to make
a profile on that new app.
657
00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:07,966
And why would you be
doing that, my dear?
658
00:25:07,966 --> 00:25:11,136
We need you on your app
with those your age.
659
00:25:11,136 --> 00:25:12,887
They listen to you.
660
00:25:12,887 --> 00:25:15,807
OK, but how long are they
going to care?
661
00:25:15,807 --> 00:25:18,727
Are you not grateful for
the gifts we've given to you?
662
00:25:18,727 --> 00:25:23,481
Are you not grateful for
the gifts of the algorithm?
663
00:25:23,481 --> 00:25:24,941
OK, I am.
664
00:25:24,941 --> 00:25:28,236
But, like,
what if TikTok disappears?
665
00:25:28,236 --> 00:25:31,114
Or--or what if it becomes
something that I'm not?
666
00:25:31,114 --> 00:25:33,283
You are but stardust,
my dear.
667
00:25:33,283 --> 00:25:36,953
A drop in gray tides,
your skills nontransferable.
668
00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:39,706
And no, none of these
brands will care.
669
00:25:39,706 --> 00:25:42,751
You're a building block
in a never-ending tower.
670
00:25:42,751 --> 00:25:45,003
I'll be honest
with my followers.
671
00:25:45,003 --> 00:25:46,004
Hmm?
672
00:25:46,004 --> 00:25:48,048
I'll leave it all behind
if I have to.
673
00:25:48,048 --> 00:25:50,592
They already
left you behind.
674
00:25:50,592 --> 00:25:52,218
Hi, my little consumers.
675
00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:53,219
It's me, Skyler.
676
00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:54,220
No.
677
00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:55,513
Ah! We love you, Skyler.
678
00:25:55,513 --> 00:25:56,890
You have such nice--
679
00:25:56,890 --> 00:25:57,891
OMG, shoot me!
680
00:25:57,891 --> 00:25:59,017
He's so hot!
681
00:25:59,017 --> 00:26:01,978
Oh, your comments
are so sweet.
682
00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:04,689
And I'm so humbled
by all the love.
683
00:26:04,689 --> 00:26:10,528
♪ ♪
684
00:26:10,528 --> 00:26:12,447
Goodbye, Skyler.
685
00:26:12,447 --> 00:26:15,200
♪ ♪
686
00:26:18,036 --> 00:26:19,954
Hi, my little consumers.
687
00:26:19,954 --> 00:26:21,289
I've teamed up
with Dark Water,
688
00:26:21,289 --> 00:26:22,832
this new company
that sells super soft--
689
00:26:22,832 --> 00:26:24,626
Sir, like we told you,
690
00:26:24,626 --> 00:26:26,211
we cannot biopsy
without a referral.
691
00:26:26,211 --> 00:26:28,171
OK, see, that's a--
that's a problem,
692
00:26:28,171 --> 00:26:30,382
because I've spoken to seven
different doctors...
693
00:26:30,382 --> 00:26:31,383
- Julio...
- And I'm starting--
694
00:26:31,383 --> 00:26:32,842
When was the last time
you got laid?
695
00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:34,344
Bibo!
Who taught you that?
696
00:26:34,344 --> 00:26:36,513
When was the last time
you came?
697
00:26:37,472 --> 00:26:38,807
Bibo!
698
00:26:42,435 --> 00:26:43,853
Maybe Bibo's right.
699
00:26:43,853 --> 00:26:46,106
I need to let this go
and live my life.
700
00:26:46,106 --> 00:26:47,232
OK.
701
00:26:47,232 --> 00:26:49,067
Be a person, be a human,
be a happy, happy--
702
00:26:49,067 --> 00:26:50,360
Are you tired of all this?
703
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:51,361
Huh.
704
00:26:51,361 --> 00:26:52,362
Why not give it up
705
00:26:52,362 --> 00:26:54,906
and allow yourself
to be happy?
706
00:26:54,906 --> 00:26:56,825
[soft music]
707
00:26:56,825 --> 00:26:58,159
It's--OK.
708
00:26:58,159 --> 00:27:01,162
Free yourself from
the burden of having a body.
709
00:27:01,162 --> 00:27:03,164
No body, no pain.
710
00:27:03,164 --> 00:27:06,042
Learn about our
incorporeal services
711
00:27:06,042 --> 00:27:08,461
and upload yourself today.
712
00:27:08,461 --> 00:27:11,464
[mysterious music]
713
00:27:11,464 --> 00:27:15,176
♪ ♪
714
00:28:39,260 --> 00:28:41,304
[bright tone]