1 00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:11,011 So we found it strange that we were making toys in February. 2 00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:14,514 We thought, toys in February? Since when? 3 00:00:14,597 --> 00:00:17,017 The Christmas holiday just happened. 4 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,143 It was odd. 5 00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:22,022 But then we realized what we were making. 6 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,315 - And what was that? - Objection. Relevance? 7 00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:25,942 Overruled. 8 00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:31,489 It was a toy. 9 00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:35,368 It was a--forgive me. 10 00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:36,494 It was a sex toy. 11 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,919 Please state your last name. 12 00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:46,379 Claus. 13 00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:48,048 First name. 14 00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:49,924 Mrs. 15 00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:53,303 How would you characterize your relationship with the plaintiff? 16 00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:56,431 He's an elf. He's one of my husband's elfs. 17 00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:58,850 Elfs? Elves? 18 00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,602 I don't know. Sorry. 19 00:01:00,685 --> 00:01:03,271 - He's one of many. Sorry. - It's okay. 20 00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:07,067 I'm feeling a little nervous. 21 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,903 I'm more of a behind-the-scenes gal. 22 00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:12,655 That's okay. 23 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,033 Do you know Dodo? 24 00:01:15,116 --> 00:01:16,117 Yes. 25 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,661 We're all family. 26 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,122 That's what I thought, at least, if you ask me. 27 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,667 Him and the other ones would come over for dinner, 28 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,544 small parties, Christmas parties. 29 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:30,799 It's at one of these parties where Dodo found a present. 30 00:01:30,882 --> 00:01:36,179 He was instructed to create a strap-on. 31 00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:40,850 He alleges it was in your home for personal use. 32 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:43,978 Elves make the toys. My husband delivers the toys. 33 00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:46,856 The toys are his responsibility. 34 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:50,944 And it's our responsibility, as for all the presents, 35 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:54,906 that we ensure the quality and we test them out ourselves. 36 00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:58,201 I gladly tested it on Santa for Christmas. 37 00:01:58,827 --> 00:01:59,828 Sorry. 38 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:01,830 Behind-the-scenes gal. 39 00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,540 That's okay. 40 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:07,669 Dodo alleges elves are made to work for free. 41 00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:09,336 Not for free. No. 42 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:12,048 For the love of Christmas. 43 00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:16,594 And can you share with us what Dodo said at one of these parties? 44 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:20,640 He said--and he was tipsy. I'll give him that. 45 00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:22,600 This one can sure drink a lot of eggnog. 46 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:27,856 He said, "God, I hate Christmas." 47 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,778 I was devastated. 48 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,739 I still haven't recovered, if you ask me. 49 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:39,242 And I think that's why he's on this social-justice-warrior kick. 50 00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:41,244 He hates Christmas. Don't you? 51 00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:42,579 Tell 'em the truth. 52 00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:44,372 I don't like that Dodo. 53 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,833 He wants to cancel Christmas, for Christ's sake. 54 00:02:46,916 --> 00:02:49,127 Okay, so you're interested in corporeal service. 55 00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:50,795 - Yes. - You want to get rid of your body? 56 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,797 - I would like to get rid of my body, yes. - Okay, great. 57 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:55,008 Well, let me tell you a little bit about us. 58 00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:58,386 New Solutions Incorporated specializes in mind-upgrading services 59 00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:02,098 and are certified by official agencies nationwide. 60 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,850 - Our incorp-- - Sorry, like the FDA? 61 00:03:03,933 --> 00:03:06,811 - No. Let me finish. - Sorry. 62 00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:08,813 Our incorporeal service can free you 63 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:12,108 of your daily bodily ailments and discomforts. 64 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:15,320 "Without a body, I have never felt more like myself." 65 00:03:15,403 --> 00:03:16,529 Jonathan R., Brooklyn. 66 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,823 - I can read it-- - "Service was fast and easy. 67 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:21,409 I left feeling better than I had in years." 68 00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:22,660 Sam K., Manhattan. 69 00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:24,579 Do you have change for $20? 70 00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:26,081 I just got some dumplings. 71 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:28,124 We're here to help people just like you 72 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,502 get rid of the burden of having a body. 73 00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,713 You just float around. 74 00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:38,802 It says here that you're battling a skin disease. 75 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:42,222 Yes. I'm actually a little worried about this. 76 00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:46,518 I'm sorry. It's really bad. 77 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,646 But you don't have to worry about that. You don't have to worry about a thing. 78 00:03:49,728 --> 00:03:51,606 You don't even have to worry about getting an apartment 79 00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:53,024 because you won't have a body. 80 00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:54,484 You'll just be floating around. 81 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:55,860 - Like a ghost? - Let me finish. 82 00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:58,238 You will be floating around like a freed mind. 83 00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:00,782 And you ever feel, like, hungry, 84 00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:03,785 or, after you eat food, you're, like, bloated? 85 00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:05,161 Sure. Yeah. 86 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,579 - Yes. - See? 87 00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,206 That wouldn't happen if we upload you. 88 00:04:08,289 --> 00:04:10,542 Hey, I got to get this. 89 00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,962 Hello? Yes, this is the real bank. 90 00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:16,297 - I got a call saying... - Hey. Hey, can you get this? 91 00:04:16,380 --> 00:04:18,841 - I got to take it. - Oh, I don't know what the-- 92 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,885 Everything is in the brochure. 93 00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,387 - Yeah? - Okay. 94 00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:24,472 Yes. 95 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,391 Yes, I'll just need your full name and account number. 96 00:04:26,474 --> 00:04:30,061 Right now we are offering 97 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:35,066 a promotional fee of $999 a month 98 00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:40,280 because you are a preferred customer. 99 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,782 That's nice. For how long? 100 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,161 Initial 10-year commitment. 101 00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:48,955 And if I stop paying, I can just return to my body? 102 00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,790 No. No, you can't. 103 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,584 Can't do it. Just... 104 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:57,088 So, sorry, I guess the question is, 105 00:04:57,172 --> 00:05:00,550 if I upload my consciousness into the ether 106 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:03,303 and I become this little light for a fee, 107 00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:07,807 if I stop paying that fee, where does my consciousness... 108 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,104 ...go? 109 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:14,939 That's between you and your pastor. 110 00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:18,985 - We don't do that. - Well, to sign you up, we just need 111 00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:23,406 your credit card to put on file and then a copy 112 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,116 of your proof of existence. 113 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,534 I don't-- 114 00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,161 Wait. I'm sorry. 115 00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:31,706 I need to prove that I exist so I can stop existing? 116 00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:35,001 It'll be real fast. We'll swipe it. All you need is proof. That's it. 117 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,962 I don't have it because I don't want it, is the issue. 118 00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,631 Wait, so... 119 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,802 How do you have an apartment? How do you take out a loan? 120 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:46,179 They're going to be asking for it soon to get on the subway. 121 00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:48,890 ...you never knew you needed until now! 122 00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:50,475 I even heard you'll need it to vote soon. 123 00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:55,271 Toilets. 124 00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:57,273 Go back. 125 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:01,069 It breaks my heart to see them naked, 126 00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:05,824 undignified, shivering in the cold as they swallow our daily filth. 127 00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:08,868 That's why I've dedicated my life 128 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:11,788 to fashioning toilet dresses. 129 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,374 You see, every toilet is a she. 130 00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:17,293 And she, she ought to be dressed. 131 00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:19,462 Go. 132 00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:23,591 Yes, her favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. 133 00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:25,260 The turkey one. 134 00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:29,889 And her? Well, she woke up early just to bake bread with her two ugly daughters. 135 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:34,019 Daydreaming of a Hawaiian honeymoon 136 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:36,688 with a man she'll never meet. 137 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:41,276 What the hell are you doing? 138 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:44,195 Not the cowgirl. She's private. 139 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,741 People are always asking me, 140 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:52,620 Denise, I tried to go to your website, and I couldn't find the online shop. 141 00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:55,707 And I say, don't be an idiot. I don't have an online shop. 142 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:56,832 You know that. 143 00:06:56,916 --> 00:07:01,546 You have to call me personally at home, and you need to ask for a consultation. 144 00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:05,300 Then I'll come to your home when you least expect it 145 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:09,429 but when it's convenient for me, and I'll have a moment with your toilet. 146 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,139 Feel its skin. 147 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:12,724 Feel its gurgles. 148 00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:15,352 Hear it roar. 149 00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:19,939 She wants a sequined seat. 150 00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:22,067 - Won't that hurt? - Babe. 151 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:24,527 I don't want to sit on sequins. 152 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:27,197 "Won't that hurt?" You are an idiot. 153 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,450 This one doesn't mind being the other woman. 154 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,702 And her, I'm not ready to discuss. 155 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:36,039 My dedication to this cause began 156 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:39,626 back when I was a little girl. 157 00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:46,007 I live alone with my grandmother, so you know my childhood was excellent. 158 00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:49,469 Put your pants up, you vile, vile girl. 159 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:52,305 My life is hard, and it's your fault! 160 00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:55,642 I dump all my shit on you. 161 00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:58,978 Thank you to my producers for making that flashback happen. 162 00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:05,819 Okay, well, don't make a whole show of it. Just go. 163 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:07,487 Toilets need love. 164 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:10,365 Toilets didn't ask to be toilets. 165 00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:13,827 Toilets need to be dressed, and they need to look good. 166 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:17,580 But please don't call here and be asking how much it costs, okay? 167 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,207 Just book a fucking consultation. 168 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,173 Good night. 169 00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:29,175 Bibo will get the door. 170 00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,761 "Skin cancer. 171 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,804 How long to kill?" 172 00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:37,600 Thank you, sir. Keep the change. 173 00:08:40,477 --> 00:08:42,480 How about this apartment? 174 00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:44,190 No? 175 00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:45,817 Oh, I've been there. 176 00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:48,486 That's too small. But this one. 177 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:49,738 How about this? 178 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:52,824 Bibo, don't move. 179 00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:01,249 - I detect an incoming call. - Thank you, Bibo. 180 00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:03,251 - Hello? - Julio, may I speak to you? 181 00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,961 - Right now? - Can we talk? 182 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,212 No, sorry. No, not you. 183 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,256 Now's a good time for me, and I need to tell you-- 184 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,091 - Yeah, this is he. - Julio? 185 00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:12,093 - Can I-- - Julio, hello. 186 00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:13,970 - Hello? - Hello. 187 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:17,390 So was your mother a rice cooker 188 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,517 or a vacuum cleaner? 189 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:21,978 Angrysound.mp3. 190 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:26,358 Oh, Bibo, relax. It's a human joke. 191 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:28,401 Okay, okay, it was the venue. They have a lead on the oyster. 192 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,362 If they find it, I can get a biopsy, like, today. 193 00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,405 What you need is an apartment. 194 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,783 No, what I need is to know what I'm dealing with. 195 00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:37,952 And I'll only know what I'm dealing with if I can get the oyster. 196 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:40,872 Julio, I can't do this. 197 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:42,540 I can't spiral with you. 198 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:46,086 Remember when we were in college and you thought you had internal bleeding 199 00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:49,506 because you were spitting blood but you just weren't flossing? 200 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,091 I don't know why you're bringing that up. 201 00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,218 I don't know what that has to do with anything. 202 00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:55,804 This is nothing like that. It's just nothing like the flossing. 203 00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:58,014 This is just like that. 204 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,599 You always do this. 205 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,606 Hello? Vanesja. 206 00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:09,818 Hello? Your Chase Bank account has been compromised. 207 00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:11,695 Oh, no. 208 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,823 Okay, I haven't found your little golden oyster, 209 00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,616 but I think I know where it might be. 210 00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:20,453 - Have you ever heard of Fufu's? - No. 211 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:23,790 Fufu's was the first and only queer hamster nightclub in New York City. 212 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:29,671 Fufu's was like Studio 54 meets Berghain but for gay hamsters. 213 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:32,757 It was the only space that was just for them, 214 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:36,219 where they could walk in, dance, misbehave, 215 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,681 and forget about the tedious, endless loop of their exercise wheels. 216 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:42,684 At Fufu's, you'd see hamsters in fetish wear, 217 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:46,104 hamster couples eyeing a third and disappearing into a dark room 218 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,106 or arguing about dropping the coke. 219 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:50,275 - Where is it? - Fuck! I'm so stupid. 220 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:53,695 - Babe, did you drop the coke? - Don't get mad. 221 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,447 There was no easier place to score drugs 222 00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,073 - than at the Fufu's bathroom. - So stupid. 223 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,658 Where is it? Where is the baggie? 224 00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,744 I hear your boyfriend's toxic. Want to make out with me? 225 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,329 - They let me work the coat check. - Alex, chica! 226 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:05,165 Oh, my God. Hi! 227 00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,334 So good to see you. Just one? 228 00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,002 - Yeah, one item. - It's $5. 229 00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,295 Oh, my God. 230 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:13,256 I could buy more items for that much money. 231 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:17,260 Fufu's was owned by a sweet old queen named Pompolino. 232 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,679 He named the club after his late partner Fufu, 233 00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:23,808 who died at the hands of a merciless seven-year-old who forgot to feed him. 234 00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:27,520 His new boyfriend, who was young and power hungry, 235 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,689 was named Coco and had big plans for Fufu's. 236 00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:31,900 We should do brunches in the day. Bottomless-mimosa brunch. 237 00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:34,194 Babe, that's not what Fufu's is. 238 00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:36,321 We should make it a chain, open more Fufu's, 239 00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,823 and team up with brands to do big sponsored events. 240 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:40,909 - Do a bump. - Sponsored events? 241 00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:42,243 We should charge a really high cover 242 00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:44,329 to make sure hamsters that come in can afford the drinks. 243 00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:45,914 Come on, babe! This is smart. 244 00:11:45,997 --> 00:11:48,083 Babe, Fufu was for family, queer family. 245 00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:50,543 - You should do a bump. - Babe, I do not want more cocaine. 246 00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:53,546 We should invite Antoni from "Queer Eye." We should invite Anderson Cooper. 247 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,965 We should invite Spock. Which one's Spock? 248 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,467 Babe, he's a human. 249 00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,178 Who cares? Humans are cool. Do a bump. 250 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,889 - Babe, Fufu would not have liked that. - Fufu's dead. 251 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,433 I had nothing to do with it, no matter what the police say. 252 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:08,019 And I'm going to take this place to the next level. 253 00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:10,438 Fufu's turned into a CVS the next day. 254 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,607 That's so sad. 255 00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:15,652 Anyway, the hamster CVS is under the DJ booth. 256 00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:19,447 I think your little oyster might have rolled over there. 257 00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:37,173 - Following guest. - Hey, hey. Hi, hi. 258 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,175 Okay, so my name is Julio. 259 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,761 Okay, I was wondering if maybe you found a little-- 260 00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:44,389 well, little for me, but sizable for you-- 261 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,599 golden diamond-encrusted oyster. 262 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:47,767 - An oyster? - Yes. 263 00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:49,894 Well, it's an earring in the shape of an oyster, 264 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,271 - with diamonds. - Okay. 265 00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:53,106 - Hey, Chips! - Yes? Chips here. 266 00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:55,567 Have you seen a golden oyster with diamonds? 267 00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:58,361 - Yes. I can help you. - Oh, yeah? 268 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:02,449 Okay, a customer was here yesterday saying he lost his sweater here. 269 00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:08,621 So I brought out the lost and found, and he saw exactly what you're describing. 270 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,790 - The golden oyster, was it? - Yes. 271 00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:13,418 Yes. And then the customer said, "Oh, yes. That's my sweater." 272 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,962 - And I gave it to him. - What? And you just gave it to-- 273 00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:18,340 Never mind. What's his name? 274 00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:21,259 And where does he work? 275 00:13:23,094 --> 00:13:24,095 Okay. 276 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:29,726 Why are you wearing that? 277 00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:33,521 Not allowed to have phones in school. 278 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,026 I don't go here. 279 00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:40,236 Then why are you here? 280 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:44,115 Because I'm waiting for class to be over so I can yell at a hamster. 281 00:13:51,122 --> 00:13:52,624 Don't let him get to you. 282 00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,461 Oh, I'm okay. I don't-- 283 00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:10,266 Did you like school? 284 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,060 - No. - Why? 285 00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:15,689 Because it's a horrible, oppressive environment. 286 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:17,190 Did kids make fun of you? 287 00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:19,651 No. 288 00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:21,486 Is it 'cause you're gay? 289 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:26,574 That's maybe like a symptom, but, no. 290 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,078 I don't know. Just different priorities. 291 00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:31,663 How do you mean? 292 00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,915 It's a little Oprah here. I don't know. 293 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,752 I didn't like school because it felt like a competition 294 00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:39,462 to see who could fit in the most. 295 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,298 And I started at a deficit and could never catch up, 296 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,758 no matter how hard I tried. 297 00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:47,303 You see, my family inherited a lot of debt when my grandfather died, 298 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,723 and we had to move just to avoid the debt collectors, 299 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:51,725 and we couldn't have nice things. 300 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:54,102 The kids at school sniffed out that something was off. 301 00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:57,105 "Why does your car look like that? Why do your clothes look like that?" 302 00:14:57,188 --> 00:15:01,234 Until eventually I said, "Guess what. Joke's on you. I don't want to fit in. 303 00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:02,736 I don't want what you have. 304 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:05,071 I don't want to eat like you. I don't want to look like you. 305 00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:06,698 I don't want to think like you. 306 00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:08,742 What? I didn't get invited to the party. 307 00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,744 That party isn't even on my radar. 308 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:13,329 I'm not at the bottom of the pyramid. I'm not in the pyramid. 309 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:16,124 I'm not losing the race, idiot. I'm not running at all. 310 00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:17,542 I'm not even watching the race. 311 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:20,420 I'm over here, very relaxed and highly at ease. 312 00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:23,548 I'm different. I am my own thing. 313 00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:25,800 I'm the exception." 314 00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:28,178 So, no, I don't need proof of existence. 315 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:31,348 What I need is my own special, little quest. 316 00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:35,143 So, to me, this whole quest you're on, 317 00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:38,521 this whole maze you've put yourself in, 318 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:42,692 it's all a distraction from the brutal reality that, 319 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:45,153 like the rest of us, you'll have to sacrifice 320 00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:48,782 some of what you believe in, some of your precious individuality 321 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:51,993 that became your armor to survive in a system that hurt you. 322 00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:55,163 You'll have to play by its rules to some extent 323 00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:57,874 to keep surviving in this world. 324 00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,919 And you know you're not sick. 325 00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:03,880 You're just scared of facing that the walls are closing in. 326 00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:06,675 But what happens after the biopsy, huh? 327 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:11,888 What happens when you no longer have this to face the world? 328 00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,433 You're going to find some other thing to distract you? 329 00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:36,204 Figaro? 330 00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:37,831 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi. What's up? 331 00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:39,332 Hand over the diamonds. 332 00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:41,418 I'm sorry. Diamonds? 333 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,420 Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. 334 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,255 - Where is the oyster? - Oh, my God. 335 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,716 Oh, you mean my sweater. Okay. 336 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,843 - Yeah, yeah. - Sure. Where is it? 337 00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:52,846 - Okay, it is coming back to me now. - That's nice. Where is it? 338 00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:56,516 Listen, sir, I'm still rattled from a near-death experience. 339 00:16:58,059 --> 00:16:59,644 Just get on with it, Figaro. 340 00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:01,938 Okay, relax. God. 341 00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:06,108 I lost the diamonds when I had a close encounter with hell's mouth. 342 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:09,112 That's what we call toilets in my culture. 343 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:12,198 What is the issue? 344 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,826 The funds will be wired from Europe. 345 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:17,579 Hello? Where are you? 346 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:19,789 I'm in a middle-school bathroom looking for the oyster. 347 00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:24,252 I have exciting news. 348 00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:29,257 I just landed the client-- zappos.com's streaming services. 349 00:17:29,341 --> 00:17:30,675 They only do remakes now, 350 00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:33,678 and they want you to adapt the Tooth Fairy. 351 00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:38,141 - Something fun for the whole familia. - I already told them my idea. 352 00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:42,062 So I hear you're looking for a fun, family friendly summertime movie 353 00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:43,480 about the Tooth Fairy. 354 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,273 Well, you got it. 355 00:17:45,357 --> 00:17:48,151 My idea would be a story about addiction. 356 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:52,238 We find this young fairy, alone, shivering, cold and gaunt, 357 00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:55,617 stealing quarters from his father, a fairy plumber. 358 00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,410 They live in a tree, but in their world, 359 00:17:57,494 --> 00:17:59,454 this is sort of like a tenement-style building. 360 00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,706 Later, we learn that he's stealing the quarters 361 00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:06,378 in order to fund his addiction-- human teeth, children's teeth. 362 00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:08,296 The fairy dies at the end. 363 00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:10,548 Is this movie going to make a lot of money? 364 00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:15,387 No, but you didn't become an executive to make money. 365 00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:19,307 I think they want something more palatable. 366 00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:22,811 Hold on, my little star. Someone's calling. 367 00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:25,730 This is the bank calling you regarding some leaked photographs. 368 00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:28,441 You again? 369 00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:33,571 Okay. Well, now back to finding the oyster. 370 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:51,840 I am the water. 371 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,968 I am here but also there. 372 00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:56,302 I am the water. 373 00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:57,846 Rushing over here. 374 00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:01,057 Cleaning over there. 375 00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:03,852 Hydrating everywhere. 376 00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:07,063 Toilets make me dizzy. 377 00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:11,067 What was your question? I'm about to rain... 378 00:19:12,444 --> 00:19:14,821 Oh, yes, your oyster. 379 00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:17,157 I felt it going down my throat, 380 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,367 through my very being, 381 00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:22,454 and eventually to my sea. 382 00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:27,167 - Hello? - God, I've been waiting for four hours. 383 00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:29,836 - Hold, please. - No! Do not fucking put me-- 384 00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:32,172 I fucking hate Halloween. 385 00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:33,798 Don't even get me started, girl. 386 00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:37,594 Seeing those gross little kids and their fake mermaid tails. 387 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,388 Hello, appropriation much? 388 00:19:40,472 --> 00:19:42,891 Yeah, like, I don't want to see your sad little sneakers 389 00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:45,060 poking out of your green skirt. 390 00:19:45,143 --> 00:19:48,605 Because that's what it is. It's a skirt. 391 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,023 Like, that's not a tail, mama. 392 00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:53,234 If you're going to commit to the look, commit to the look. 393 00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:56,488 Yeah, and drag yourself from door to door with your tail. 394 00:19:56,571 --> 00:19:59,616 Or, like, make a papier mâché rock and have your parents, 395 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,785 I don't know, wheel you around. 396 00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:04,829 Wait, that's a really good idea. 397 00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:06,122 That's genius. 398 00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:09,042 - Should we make them? - Yeah. I can make a website. 399 00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:10,877 I can design the logo right now. 400 00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:15,548 But I feel like we should make the product first. 401 00:20:15,632 --> 00:20:17,425 Okay, well, here we go again. 402 00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:20,011 Should we be getting ahead of ourselves? 403 00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:22,514 That's why you never get anything done. 404 00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:24,015 Am I being, like, too much? 405 00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:26,434 No, you're just pushing me 'cause you're a good friend. 406 00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:27,477 You're a really good friend. 407 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,604 My therapist says I need to stop drinking. 408 00:20:29,688 --> 00:20:31,773 My therapist says you need to stop drinking, too. 409 00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:32,941 Shut up. 410 00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:45,286 Vanesja. This is Vanesja. 411 00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:48,415 Hello? Your savings account has been compromised. 412 00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:50,834 Yes, I'm the real bank. 413 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,252 Yes, I'm the bank. 414 00:20:52,335 --> 00:20:54,754 Enough. Who does this? 415 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,257 Hello? 416 00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:58,466 Hello? 417 00:20:58,550 --> 00:20:59,551 Hello. 418 00:20:59,634 --> 00:21:04,472 I'm Oscar, 42, Brooklyn, New York. 419 00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:08,184 This is my dream for analysis. 420 00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:13,898 For some background information, 421 00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:17,277 my sister and I own and run an internet café. 422 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:18,903 Well, I'm in charge mostly. 423 00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:23,450 She's now busy with new ventures. 424 00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:26,953 We're in a substantial amount of debt. 425 00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:31,708 You see, last summer, I walked into our father. 426 00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:34,294 He was passed out, 427 00:21:34,377 --> 00:21:37,130 and I had just heard about a heat-wave warning on the radio, 428 00:21:37,213 --> 00:21:40,592 so, naturally, I called an ambulance. 429 00:21:41,593 --> 00:21:45,597 At the ER, the doctor said he was just taking a nap. 430 00:21:47,015 --> 00:21:51,978 But we got slammed with the bill for the ambulance ride nevertheless. 431 00:21:52,062 --> 00:21:54,147 Never mind that we live a block away from the hospital 432 00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:57,025 and spent most of the 45-minute ride looking for parking. 433 00:21:58,234 --> 00:22:01,946 Anywho, we owe a lot of money now, 434 00:22:02,030 --> 00:22:04,324 so Vicky has a few side hustles. 435 00:22:04,407 --> 00:22:09,162 She has a franchise for this body-uploading thing. 436 00:22:09,245 --> 00:22:11,539 She sells Clinique products 437 00:22:11,623 --> 00:22:15,543 and makes some, well, scam calls, 438 00:22:15,627 --> 00:22:18,630 all while I run the internet café, which... 439 00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:22,050 ...doesn't make a ton of money. 440 00:22:23,051 --> 00:22:24,344 From my computer screen, 441 00:22:24,427 --> 00:22:27,764 I can see the computer screen of every customer's screen. 442 00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:31,059 They're mostly checking their emails, 443 00:22:31,142 --> 00:22:34,354 paying their bills, playing games. 444 00:22:34,437 --> 00:22:36,981 But I have to keep an eye on anyone watching pornography 445 00:22:37,065 --> 00:22:39,776 or doing any risky activities. 446 00:22:39,859 --> 00:22:42,445 And that is where the dream comes in. 447 00:22:43,363 --> 00:22:46,783 In the dream, well, I was here at work, 448 00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:49,869 sitting at my desk, doing my job. 449 00:22:50,995 --> 00:22:54,499 But this time I saw from my screen 450 00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:59,087 that Vicky is looking at this leather jacket. 451 00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,841 And the jacket has this zipper, 452 00:23:02,924 --> 00:23:07,303 this nonfunctional zipper, and I am the zipper. 453 00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:12,017 And the reviews all say, "Do not buy. 454 00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:16,229 Zipper does not open. Zipper just for decoration." 455 00:23:16,312 --> 00:23:18,606 And I'm like, you know, just because I'm a zipper 456 00:23:18,690 --> 00:23:22,193 doesn't mean that I'm, well, functional. 457 00:23:22,277 --> 00:23:25,613 You have reached the dream interpretation 24-hour hotline. 458 00:23:25,697 --> 00:23:29,492 Your dream is not ready at this time. Please check back again later. 459 00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:45,425 Proof of existence. 460 00:23:45,508 --> 00:23:47,844 I hear troubled thinking. 461 00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:49,220 What is it, my little star? 462 00:23:51,514 --> 00:23:54,267 I can't get a biopsy because I haven't found the little oyster, 463 00:23:54,351 --> 00:23:57,645 and I can't even upload myself because even they asked for proof of existence. 464 00:23:57,729 --> 00:24:00,273 - Proof of existence. - Oh, no. 465 00:24:00,357 --> 00:24:04,110 Proof of existence is a new form of ID and only $5 per month 466 00:24:04,194 --> 00:24:06,071 that combines all forms of identification. 467 00:24:06,154 --> 00:24:08,073 - Bibo, you have an Alexa in you? - Humiliating. 468 00:24:08,156 --> 00:24:10,909 Now, this I can use. 469 00:24:10,992 --> 00:24:14,120 There's a huge market for transsexualism. 470 00:24:14,204 --> 00:24:15,038 Okay. 471 00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:17,082 Proof has teamed up with the government to require this ID 472 00:24:17,165 --> 00:24:21,378 at bars, airports, apartment leases, loans, and venues by the end of the year 473 00:24:21,461 --> 00:24:23,296 via proofreading machines, 474 00:24:23,380 --> 00:24:26,257 which are to be installed this month on public transit. 475 00:24:26,341 --> 00:24:30,428 To get proof, you must prove good credit, employment history, et cetera, 476 00:24:30,512 --> 00:24:32,389 or become an exception. 477 00:24:32,472 --> 00:24:35,058 Wait, exception. Yes, that's me, exception. 478 00:24:35,141 --> 00:24:38,687 To become an exception, you must submit documents of extraordinary ability, 479 00:24:38,770 --> 00:24:43,108 such as mainstream fame, as a household name like Beyoncé or the Minions. 480 00:24:43,191 --> 00:24:45,777 I know a job that can help you achieve this. 481 00:24:47,278 --> 00:24:48,905 But if you do it, 482 00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:52,409 you need to promise me you'll use it to get an apartment 483 00:24:52,492 --> 00:24:54,911 and not to upload yourself. 484 00:24:54,994 --> 00:24:56,329 But what about the mole? 485 00:24:56,413 --> 00:24:57,914 I have connections. 486 00:24:57,997 --> 00:25:01,251 We could get it biopsied. It could be a performance. 487 00:25:01,793 --> 00:25:04,129 Okay, what's the job? I'll do it. 488 00:25:04,212 --> 00:25:07,924 I'll do it as long as I don't have to succumb to that horrible, horrible system. 489 00:25:08,008 --> 00:25:10,927 So, whatever this job is, I'll do it. 490 00:25:11,011 --> 00:25:13,513 - It's a credit-card commercial... - I won't do it. 491 00:25:13,596 --> 00:25:17,058 ...targeting young people called ChaChing. 492 00:25:18,935 --> 00:25:22,897 And you have to wear a rainbow Pride suit... 493 00:25:23,815 --> 00:25:25,150 ...and a sombrero... 494 00:25:25,233 --> 00:25:26,359 Oh, my God. 495 00:25:26,443 --> 00:25:28,236 ...and maracas. 496 00:26:53,029 --> 00:26:55,448 My name's Tito. Can we fuck? 497 00:26:55,532 --> 00:26:59,244 Hey, babe. Two tequila sodas, one vodka cran, and a seltzer. 498 00:26:59,327 --> 00:27:00,745 All different tabs. Thank you. 499 00:27:00,829 --> 00:27:03,790 No one wants to dance with me. Happy fucking birthday. 500 00:27:03,873 --> 00:27:05,709 Hope you're having a fucking great time. 501 00:27:06,584 --> 00:27:09,045 I'm too old for this. I shouldn't have come.