And then, you know,
and then John came to me and he said, "You know, I love this."
"You know, we should call that song 'Get Fucked'."
And I was like, "No, we should call it 'Get Back'."
So, that's what we did. Yeah, yeah.
That's an anecdote from me, Sir Paul,
you know, the greatest ever Beatle.
Still alive. The only one.
Apart from Ringo, but no one cares.
- That's his voice. - Oh my God, Ash!
- Oh, whoa, you right, mate? - Ash, have you seen this?
- Wait.
- Oi, we could have been doing anything.
No, I heard what you were doing. The voices.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Oh, righto. - Oh, whoa, okay, boobies.
Oh, no, look, it's nothing he hasn't seen before.
Really? You two?
- Oh, mate... - Mate, a million years ago.
Ancient history. Ancient Greece.
- You've got to look at it. Look at it.
- Okay, Ash, Ash, look at this.
- What are we...? - I wouldn't say
that I was a Christ figure necessarily.
Oh, this guy's fucked.
I do...
Actually, yeah.
Oh my God.
- Is this now? - Mm-hmm.
I'm the only one asking him anything. There's like four people watching.
Well, fuckin' stop it. Does he know it's you?
- Nup. Wait, I got one.
Do I get eczema?
Oh, that...
Look, I do sometimes get a slight heat rash on my upper thighs
- after a typical shower. - Mate.
Don't tell us that.
- Lee. - More questions, please.
Honestly, you can ask me anything.
I mean, was it just the once?
- What?
Was it just the once that he got eczema? Ask him.
Mum, is Lee with you?
Yes, he's upstairs. Why?
He's doing a live Ask Me Anything. I thought he was off the internet.
Oh, he's only allowed on for 20 minutes, darling.
He's been on for hours, Mum.
It's embarrassing. Megan's fucking with him.
Lee?
Lee!
I... I'm busy!
G'day! Strange man.
There's... strange man.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not strange.
I've, ah... got the rock key.
Oh. Mum, I've gotta go.
I'll stay on the line. Have you got your rape whistle?
No, no. It's okay. I'll call you later.
Look, if you can't speak,
say, "Yes, bananas are in season,
and I know a very good farmer."
Mum, that is way too long.
I'll call you later. Bye.
Sorry. I'm Heavy.
Flash's brother.
- Oh... - Okay?
- Right? - Oh... right...
Come on, bring it in.
- Oh, all right. Hey. - Hey.
Yeah...
- Good? - Yes.
Okay.
- Yeah.
All right. So, you're the cleaner, are you?
Place looks fantastic.
- No. - Oh, okay.
So, ah, Gordon's actually at work right now, so...
Oh, is he?
Ugh, fuck. He's got a mind like a sieve.
He is expecting me.
- Is he? - Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And you said your name's Heavy?
Alistair.
- Oh. - Stair. Stairway.
Stairway to Heaven.
Evanesce.
- Heavy. - Ah.
Also, "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother."
Works on a few levels.
So many levels.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- It's pretty cool. - Yeah.
Yeah...
Okay.
So, if you thought I was the cleaner, why'd we hug for so long?
- Or at all? - Yeah, I know, right?
- So crazy. - It is crazy.
Yeah. Why did we?
I don't know. Just...
felt like the right thing to do.
And, you know, I thought you were the cleaner.
So, yeah.
The place looks great.
Yeah, good job.
Well, no.
But yeah.
So, in two days, I go home and he goes to Wollongong.
It's called birdnesting.
One week on, one week off, and the kids stay in their routine.
Sounds intense.
No, raising three kids with a guy you don't love anymore
who's trying to break into musicals, that's intense.
- Right. - This is just a pain.
So, does Meggles go home with you, or...?
- No, that would be weird. - Weird?
No, she... she goes back to her home, and then...
And then it's back to Gordon's Halfway House for New Lesbians?
Yeah, if that's okay.
- Oh, mate. It's more than okay. - Okay.
- I love it. - Do you?
How long is this arrangement gonna go on for?
- Well, I just... - Shh!
My apologies, Your Honour.
I'm not a judge.
I'm a mediator.
Call me Allan.
Yes, Allan.
I told you, Brett, this is not a court. Why'd you bring a lawyer?
Uh, please direct your speech towards me.
I will be speaking for my client.
Thank you.
How much are you paying this joker?
Mum, Dad, I don't have to move out.
- I have squatter's rights. - That's right.
Squatter's rights don't apply here, Brett.
Well, we tried.
Can I just say at this juncture,
full respect on the Kevin Bacon move.
That was pretty lit.
Um, but please be aware that we are speaking with Grant Denyer
for a response.
Are we?
Yes. Big time, man.
Oh, what?! Shh!
- You shush. - You shush.
What's wrong?
My brother's at my house.
Oh. What's he doing in Sydney?
He's going to Vegas tomorrow for a "conference".
Ugh, gross.
Yeah, I don't need to be here for two customers. I'm going home.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
I'm not leaving Ash at home with my brother. He's a shit-stirrer.
He'll get me into trouble.
- Hey, can I get a lift? - Hurry.
- Hey, Brett. - Shh!
- No! You're closing up! - What?!
Apologies, Your Honour.
Sorry, it's a bit messy.
Yeah, but we can move all the boxes, obviously.
Oh, yeah, thanks, that'd be great, love.
I've got an urgent meeting with a slick
brown dog, if you know what I mean
- Oh yeah, no worries, I'll do it. - Yeah.
All right.
Mmm...
No...
Okay, so you're the dog girl.
Ah, right. Yes.
- Ashley. - Mm.
Ashley. Right, okay.
So, you guys hanging out much?
I'm his girlfriend.
Flashlight's got a girlfriend?
Fuckin' hell.
Yeah. Has he...
He hasn't mentioned that?
Huh. Are you guys exclusive?
Yeah.
Ooh, you didn't sound too sure on that one.
I'd run that one by him.
- He's pretty stealthy. - Is he?
Yeah, well, they don't call him Flash for nothing.
"Flash Gordon," he... is what he said.
No!
It's 'cause he's as flash as a rat with a gold tooth,
that's why they call him Flash.
Really?
- Yeah. - Oh.
Yeah, well, you know, as a happily married man of 18 years...
I've lived my entire fantasy life vicariously through my brother.
- So. - Right...
But don't worry, he doesn't send me pics.
Anymore.
Not of you.
- Yet.
Hello.
Flashlight!
- Hey. Hey, Colin.
- I'm just going upstairs for a bit. - Oh, okay.
- How's it going? - Mate, what's going on?
You never confirmed whether or not you were coming.
Oh, "confirmed".
What, I'm your brother. What, I gotta announce myself?
- Yes, mate, you do. - Oh, come on.
Oh, Heavy, you loser.
Chi-Chi, what's going on, you bogan?
- A lot. - Hey?
What's going on? Why'd Ash go upstairs?
I don't know.
You never told me she was your girlfriend, hey.
Nice.
Send us a pic, you cunt.
Hi.
Hey.
You okay?
Yeah.
Thanks for making room for Heavy.
No worries.
Cool.
Bit of a full house tonight. Wish it was just us.
Oh well.
So, you're not mad?
Should I be mad?
Nup. No.
All good.
Oh, quick... just while I've got you.
Yeah?
Are we exclusive?
Yes... what do you mean? Yes!
Of course we are.
You... you live here, Ash. What...?
Why?
No, nothing. Nothing.
Just... just wondering.
Yeah, Ash, of course.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You look beautiful, by the way.
What is that you put on?
Just now? Um...
Mascara.
- It's pretty. - Thank you.
Like your dress.
It's a skirt and a top.
Right, yeah. No, it's good.
Is it new, or...?
- Nup. - Nup?
Have you lost a bit of weight?
Nope.
Not that you needed to.
Not that you do need to, or that you did need to if you have.
But if you haven't, you look great now.
Like, you don't need to lose... But it doesn't matter!
Like, you look great to me at any weight.
Like, you could balloon and I'd be fine.
Like, you could... you could get massive
and I'd be fine.
Because it's about...
But it's also, like, you could afford to put on a little bit,
and I could, you know...
Not that you need to!
But... and you don't need to, like...
- Can you get out?! - Yeah.
Yeah, so, look, I'm not condoning what he did.
- Oh, good. - But the music's undeniable.
Hey. Hey, you fucked me here. What did you say to her?
- What? - What did you say?
Mate, if she starts on you, it's got nothing to do with me.
Heavy, you're here for fuckin' five minutes...
- Hello! - Oh, Jesus fuckin' Christ, what now?
- Hey, man. - Is the door open or something?
Nah. Rock key.
- Okay, that's it. No more rock key. - Hey.
- Oh, Gordy. Gordy. - What?
I can't go home.
You can't stay here, mate. We're full.
Well, can I just hang?
You know, figure out my next move?
Mediation's not gone great.
Yeah, mate, that's because your "lawyer" is a fuckin'...
Hey. Hey, Justin.
Good thanks, Mother.
Mate, I want to help you. I'll...
- Where is he going? - Dunno.
No, hang on, mate.
No, no. Oi!
- What the fuck?! - Come here, friend.
Is this your en suite, mate?
So, um...
How do you fit into this jigsaw puzzle, Meggles?
Uh, well, a couple of ways.
Holy shit!
Oh! I love it! I love it!
Yup.
Does Andre know?
Yeah, of course.
Right. Okay.
So just completely gone off solids?
- Wow. - Fuck you're a loser.
- What? - Heavy, you're a fuckin' loser.
No wonder you always knocked me back.
Oh, that wasn't the reason, son.
Gross.
Charcuterie?
- Whoa! - It's Wednesday afternoon.
- Is it? - Yeah. It's...
- It's Wednesday. - Yeah, no.
I appreciate the presentation.
- We're not gonna... - Yeah.
- That's a hard pass. - No, thank you, but no.
- One, two, three. - No.
Mmm... Or, unless you guys are...?
No?
Can I say something?
- Yeah, speak your truth, Bretty. - Of course, Bretty.
I think you guys are awesome together,
and I really think you're actually made for each other.
Aw, Bretty.
It's early days.
- What? - Mm?
What do you mean?
Oh, no. I mean that's so sweet, Bretty.
Are you not feeling it? You can be honest.
Meggles, I'm feeling it.
It's just... it's just a lot
with Andre and the kids...
It's pretty new.
Yeah, I know. I feel that. I feel all that.
I... I feel like a homewrecker.
Hey.
You're not a homewrecker.
- If anything, I'm the homewrecker.
No, I'm the one who's breaking their wedding vows.
Hey.
We're all homewreckers.
Just... in different ways.
Yeah.
You know, that's the mistake I made.
I got married way too young.
- Mm. - Right?
Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and kids, but there's just...
There's just nothing going on there anymore.
You know?
Like, the other day,
Katie bent over in her undies.
And I thought, "Revolting."
- Whoa. Did you? - You know?
Yeah. I know it's fucked up,
but, see, that's where I'm at.
- Right now. Right? - Right...
So, what my point is...
Yeah, what is your point?
- Is that I'm the fuckup, not Flashlight.
- Yes.
- There we go.
- Right? That's what I'm trying to say.
- Good point well made. - Cool, cool, cool.
- Right. - So, but what was that stuff
that you were saying about Gordon being stealthy?
Oh, no, it was nothing. It's nothing.
He's... he's just a charismatic guy with a couple of moves.
Well, what moves?
No, nothing. No moves.
You know me, I don't have... I got nothing.
- I've got no moves. - Ah.
- The "I own a brewery." - Yes.
- That's my one move. - Yeah, it's a good move.
Yeah, well, and the "I'll kiss you in six minutes" move.
What? What are you talking about? That's your fuckin' move.
- What is it? - It's not really a move.
- What is it? - I don't know.
- Okay, all right. All right. - It's nothing, it's nothing.
What he'd do,
he used to give chicks a six-minute warning before he kissed them.
Ah.
- Sounds pretty rapey.
Well, that does.
It was just... it wasn't that.
It was just a fun, flirty thing I did a couple of times.
Yeah, well, more than a couple.
It wasn't a move.
- So do the move. - No.
- Do it! Do it, Flash. - Do it.
- I'm not doing the move. - Do the move.
- Why? - Do it.
- I want to see the move. - Don't @ me.
See, if I can't see it,
I'm only gonna imagine it's a form of sexual assault.
It's not a form of sexual assault!
- Okay, fine. Okay, fine, I'll do it. - Okay.
- Okay? Okay, I'll do the fuckin' move.
- Do it.
- Can't wait. - Jesus.
- Okay, so... - Stand up.
Yeah, do it properly. Come on, come on, come on.
Okay, fine.
- Properly.
- Right, okay, so I get to a party, okay?
And only if I'm feeling a vibe...
Right.
I'd say to the girl, "So,
I'm gonna kiss you in six minutes."
"So, if you have anything that you wanna do
between now and then, be my guest,
and I'll meet you back here."
- Okay?
I don't know. That... it's creepy-adjacent.
Yeah, well, we're out of context here and it was years ago.
Yeah, not aged well.
Well, come on, Ash, what about you? You must have some moves.
Oh, um...
Just one. The... the nipple flash.
Ah! That's a good move.
That's not really a move though.
That... that just happened one time.
Did it?
- Didn't it?
- Did it? - Did it?
Dunno.
Didn't it? Fuck no.
I did it all through my twenties.
Got free drinks, whatever. It's...
Friends would say it's my signature move.
- Yeah. - Wow.
Smart. Clever girl.
Thrifty. Thank you.
Well, come on. Come on. Do the move.
No! Fuck no.
No, no, it's... fair's fair. She's gotta do the move.
You did your move. Now she's gotta do her move.
- No! - Fair's fair.
- Fair is not fair. - Fair is fair.
- She's not... You're not doing the move.
- Why not?
- Okay. - Because...
Because... because...
♪Because, because ♪
♪Because of the wonderful Tits she has ♪
♪Ba-diddily-diddily-dun ♪
- That was good. - Ridiculous.
- Give it to me. - Yeah?
All right, don't leave me hanging.
I'm not gonna do the move.
Obviously.
- Oh, boo! - Not boo!
- I'm gonna get some drinks. - Shut it down.
Ah, do you mind getting us some beers? Hey, sweetheart?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Meep.
Whoa!
- Wow. - No, not wow.
She's fun.
That's in there.
No, it's not.
That is in there.
- No, it's not in there. - Oh?
- Get it out. - It's deep in the bank, mate.
- Well, take it out of the bank.
- Deposit made.
- It's a withdrawal, mate. - That's a term deposit.
No, fuckin' close the account,
we're kicking you out of the bank, we're closing your account.
Fuck, I'm glad you're here.
And that's what I feel sometimes.
Like, I like you so much,
but sometimes, I feel that you're not as into me
as much as I'm into you.
Is that too intense?
No, it's so good. It's so good.
Meggles.
You are so beautiful.
No, you are.
And I'm so grateful for you being there for me.
It's just I don't know if I'm quite ready for the full thing.
And you're the full thing.
Okay, is the door still open to Andre?
Mm.
I don't know.
No, I don't think so.
But...
Baby, is this hard for you to hear?
Nup.
You know what? It's... It's not, actually.
Because you've taught me so much about myself.
And you have taught me so much about myself.
You know, this is some evolved shit.
- Women are amazing. - Mm.
And you're amazing, Bretty.
Mm, we are. We are all amazing.
We should hang out more.
- Oh, we really should. - Yes! Yes!
Oh, good on you, Ash.
Who's ready?
Thank you.
No worries.
- That one's for you. - Ta.
- Mm. - Cheers. - Cheers.
- Bottom's up. - Yup.
Mm.
What is that?
Ah, you don't recognise her?
No, I do. She's definitely one of mine.
She is, correct.
Ah... it's a creamy.
- Mm-hmm. - It's like... it's like...
It's like, it's... it's almost like, ah...
Like Cathy.
Like Cathy Cream Your Jeans Ale.
- Is this Cathy? - Yeah.
- I've only got one of her. - I know.
Enjoy.
Ash, what the...?!
Ash, this is a very exclusive beer run.
- Yeah. - Why did... why have you...?
Oh, why, why?
Why did you name beers after girls you've slept with
and then keep them in your closet?
Bit off, isn't it?
- So, who have I got? - Oh, you've got Melanie's Melons IPA.
Oh, I remember her.
Ash, it's not about the girls, it's about the beer.
But it isn't about the beer, is it?
Because you're not drinking them, so they're just trophies.
No, no, no, they're not trophies.
Did you sleep with them?
- All of them.
Is that a problem?
Only if you can't let them go.
Of course I can let them go.
Then great, cheers, drink up, everybody.
No, no, no!
No, Ash, Ash. I created these beers years ago, right,
in response to where I was at in my life at that time.
These mean something to me.
It's like, oh, should Leonard Cohen have deleted "So Long Marianne"
when he started seeing Suzanne?
- You're not Leonard Cohen, Gordon. - You're missing my point.
Fine. Whatever. You know what?
If they bother you so much, I'll just take them to work.
And speaking of work,
"Chiara's Cans."
"Way more than a mouthful."
Classy, mate.
Mm!
Yum.
That's not on, mate. Disappointing.
Heavy.
On behalf of the Crapp family, I'd like to apologise.
Shut up, mate.
I'm so sorry...
So sorry we domesticated you.
Okay.
Ballpark, what am I dealing with here?
What is your number?
- What? - "What"?
How many people have you slept with?
Oh, shit, here we go.
I'll go first.
Nine.
Oh, this year? Less than nine.
No, Gordon. My whole life.
Oh.
Oh, well, you're setting me up to fail.
This is quality.
- Quiet, Heavy. - Don't.
Ash, I... I lost my virginity when I was 16.
So?
- Twenty?
Not saying anything.
- Fifty? - Oh... I run a bar, Ash.
Okay. Seventy-five?
- Getting warmer. - Heavy!
- Shut the fuck up! - Don't look at him.
- I want you to look at me. - Yeah, I am.
One hundred?
Oh, who keeps track?
More than 100 women?!
And that's a magnificent hundred!
No, no, no. No more than a hundred.
- Are you sure? - Yes, I am.
Oh, look, I don't know the exact number 'cause I'm not a serial killer,
but, but definitely no more than... than...
a hundred.
A hundred... hundred women.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
- Yes, you do. Ash. Ash... - This is wild.
This is... oh my God, this isn't...
You know what? Let's do the maths. Let's do the maths.
- Oh, please. - No, no, no, let's do it.
Because I'm 42 now, right? Okay?
I lost my virginity when I was 16.
So, 42 minus 16, okay, is 26 years sexually active, right?
And then 100 divided by 26 is...
3.84!
- Mm. - Okay?
Mm, that's actually pretty low.
Yeah. 3.84 women per annum doth not a prowler make.
That's, like, less than one a season.
But it does add up, though, doesn't it?
It's probably time to start settling down, mate.
Oh, should I, mate? Oh, okay, mate.
I don't think I'll take relationship advice
from a guy who's definitely paying for sex in Vegas this weekend definitely.
Hey!
That's a fuckin' low blow, bro. It's a conference.
Penis conference.
- Hey! - Yeah?
I like to fuckin' joke around, all right?
But you know Katie is my life.
All right?
I'd take a fuckin' bullet for that woman.
All right, I'm sorry. Just leave it. Just leave it.
Hey, back on Melanie's Melons, I've seen your cans
and they're much nicer shape-wise.
- Stop it! - Well, it's true!
Just say something nice about your girlfriend.
Girls like that, all right?
Thank you, Heavy.
That's all right. Gordon.
♪Hey, baby ♪
♪Oh, what a world you're gonna see ♪
♪Joyrides in flying cars... ♪
Okay, yeah. I'm coming now.
All right, all right, all right.
Oh, whoa, Andre.
Is Chiara here?
Uh, Chiara...
- Oh, no. No. - Okay.
I know she's here.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, hey, Chi?
Chiara!
- God. - Good morning.
What time is it?
Ten past nine
on Ernie's birthday.
Oh my God! Ernie! Happy birth...
No, no, no, no, no. Not "happy birthday, Ernie", is it?
'Cause his mum's been fuck knows where doing...
Well, what were you doing last night, Chi?
Because there is a naked person over on the couch over here.
Oh!
I don't know who that is.
Are you going to come back to your actual life at some point?
- You're perimenopausal, Chi!
You're not some kid kicking around in your twenties
trying to figure out your...
You're already meant to have done that
and made a decision, which you did,
and now you have a family.
But should we just all just disappear now because
you have a girlfriend?
We had a birthday dinner for Ernie last night and it was really great.
And I gave him his bike. That was actually from both...
And he can tell you all about it
because your week with him started an hour ago,
and now I'm late for my voiceover.
And great, I've been yelling.
Goodbye.
And Chi?
Could you tell Gordon
I've always thought he was an absolute cock!
Hey, guys!
So, I've been thinking,
both as a doctor and as your girlfriend,
um,
I'm gonna need you to get a sexual health checkup
as soon as you can.
Are you joking?
It's not unreasonable.
Gordon, when was the last time you got a checkup?
Ash, I get regular checkups.
But when? When was the last time?
Oh, um...
Um...?
Right. So, probably time to get a...
a thorough check.
Yeah. Okay. Yep.
- That's fair enough. - Thank you.
And you'll start seeing a therapist, will you?
What?
About the nipple-flashing male-attention thing?
- Excuse me? - Just asking the question.
That's not the same thing.
That is not okay to ask me that at all.
Right, so you can ask me to get a raft of tests,
but I can't ask you to look at your thing.
Your sexual health affects me directly.
And your mental health doesn't affect me directly?
it does!
What, we can't talk about it?
Ugh!
Yep. We can talk about it.
And hey, how about while I'm there,
I'll unpack how it's pretty hard to feel special
with a guy who has slept with at least 100 women!
- Ugh! - Ah, 3.84. But anyway.
You talk about how it might be time to grow up, yeah?
How about you take your own advice,
stop being so selfish,
and just get the fucking checkup!
♪Oh ♪
♪I've heard it said before ♪
♪That youth is like a hallway To a door ♪
♪I burst through it ♪
♪Wild seeds in the ground ♪
♪I threw them all around With blind abandon... ♪
Ash, I need your help with a patient in Bed 5.
No, I've gotta do something...
No, I covered you with the weird guy's toenails.
You owe me.
Come on.
Oh, fuck. Quickly.
I should probably warn you, this guy's pretty handsy.
No, what?
Now, he wouldn't tell me exactly what he did, rude,
but he clearly fucked up
and he seems to be repentant, so.
Does he now?
What are you doing?
Ash, the fact that you feel anything less
than the most special thing to me
is 100% my fault
because I've honestly never felt about anyone
the way I feel about you.
- Really? - Really.
And if they had of sold a, "I'm a big old dickhead" balloon...
"I'm a big old dickhead that's slept with too many women."
Yes! I would have got that one.
But they said it was just too much text.
So, that... that's all that I got.
It's probably not appropriate for a hospital anyway.
That's what they said.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Ugh, I really wanted to stay angry.
Ugh, I get that.
No, I was... I was powerfully angry.
Like, I was getting a lot done.
- Were ya? - Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
And I am so sorry.
You are an idiot.
Yeah, I know.
But, an idiot with flowers and a balloon.
- This is amazing. - It's a boy.
And I've... I've got to get back to work.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean?
I came here for a sexual health check.
- No, I... well... - Yeah.
Gene said.
- Did he? - He said you were the best.
Oh, I'm pretty good.
I'm sure you are. However, I would like to get a third party in here
because I don't feel completely comfortable
being alone in a cubicle with you.
Oh, you'll be right, mate.
Done plenty of these.
Oh...
- I don't know. This is... - No, no.
Drop your dacks.
Have you seen, ah, the TV show Embarrassing Bodies?
No.
Check it out. All right, I'll be the patient, all right?
- You be... you just say... - Okay.
What's going... What can I look at?
What can I help you with, love?
Um, well, I've actually got a little sort of...
I've been ashamed of it for 58 years, but I was never...
never wanted to come to my doctor about it,
so I thought I'd come on national tele...
International television
and shave a pustule.
I've got some pustules here if you...
Ooh, if you get me to squeeze them, they all come out everywhere.
See? Ooh, it hurts a bit!
But I don't mind it as well.
What's... what's wrong with me?
All right, sign this form for clearance.
All right.
But this is all free, yeah?