Did you want leg wax...?
- Wax strips. - Yes.
It's different.
You know, most people stopped ordering their groceries online
once the pandemic kind of petered out.
Not me, sis.
Online groceries and Zoom funerals
are the two great legacies of the spicy cough.
- These ones? - Yeah, they're great.
Yep. Righto.
Why are you such a good boy?
Think I might jazz up those old pizzas for dinner.
- Are you joking? - No.
I have told you so many times,
we're having dinner with Meggles and her new girlfriend tonight.
Fuck, that's right. Jesus, that was fast.
I know, and I've stalked her on Insta.
Not good.
Can I get out of it?
Nup, you can't.
All right, not getting any cuter than that.
Um... ooh, do you want to walk me to the station?
I'm early. We could get a coffee.
I'm...
I've got that lunch with that corporate guy today
and I think I might just have a lay in, if that's all right.
Oh. Okay.
Don't be sad, we're having dinner together.
And we live together.
Okay, well, keep yourself nice at lunch, please.
- I will. - Yeah? Promise.
- I promise. - Okay.
Stay fresh, cheese bags.
You too.
- Ooh yeah.
- Oh yeah.
- Ooh yeah. Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Hey!
What's up? What's going on?
- You forget something? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, my cap.
- I forgot my cap. - Oh.
There it is.
There it is. So, cool, got it now.
Cool, cool.
- Got it. - Um...
Were you masturbating?
Hey?
Were you... were you having a wank?
No!
No, I... no, I... sorry, no.
I was just taking my pants off to get in the shower.
- Was just about to jump up and do that.
- Ah, yeah.
Yeah. 'Cause porn came through my Air Pods downstairs.
Did they? That's weird. That's so strange.
I'd look into that 'cause that's maybe a Bluetooth thing.
I do have some neighbours, actually, who, sometimes we get crossed.
And they've got some pretty weird, um...
I don't know, whatever they get up to.
No judgement, but, um...
no judgement, but, um...
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah.
- So weird. - Yep.
Yeah...
- Yep. - Ah.
Sorry, I was. I was.
I was. Is that bad?
Nope.
Nah, I'm... I'm pretty cool with that kind of thing.
Oh. Oh, cool.
Yeah, yeah.
Just, um... in front of the dog, though.
I mean, yeah. He's a little bit close.
But I mean, he's not...
I mean, to be clear, he was not a part of it.
I forgot he was there, if anything.
Now I think of it, though, we did have sex last night.
Yeah, we did, and it was great.
- Was it? - I thought so.
Yeah.
No, no, no, it's cool. It's just that, yeah.
James never did this,
so I'm like, yeah, it's a bit new for me.
Excuse me, yes, he did.
No, he told me that
he never watched porn or masturbated.
Oh, well, ah, he lied.
He lied to you. James is a liar.
Cool. Yeah, all right.
Just so you know, there was an on-ramp.
Like, the... the, um...
the wax strips box that I was buying for you
had some very leggy, sexy legs on it, and it just...
It got in there, you know, and that's...
And so there was an on-ramp.
This didn't just come out of nowhere.
Oh yeah, like I said, fine.
You sure you're fine? You don't seem fine.
Hey, the box. The legs. It's chill.
Catch ya.
She's not fine.
And you are a bit close.
I don't... I feel rejected, Meggles,
on, like, every level.
You know, they say
the first three months of every relationship
is unpacking your last one.
So, for you, that's...
that's you working out the ways that James fucked you up.
Yeah.
And I guess Gordon's, like,
letting go of being by himself.
These relationship podcasts are really good, babe.
I know, right?
- Hey, James.
Hey, girls.
- What? - Nothing.
What's going on there?
Uh, it's my girlfriend, Rumi Cashmere.
Okay, just want you to know.
- Not her real name. - It is.
It is.
Okay...
You have a girlfriend? Holy shit.
Yeah, she broke up with Chiara like, oh, shit,
three minutes ago.
- Why are you being a bitch? - I'm not. I'm not.
You are.
So,
can you not just be excited that I've met someone
who I actually really like?
Okay, I'm just saying that that hat is a beige flag.
Ash!
Okay. Okay.
I'm getting a coke.
Fuck you.
Love you.
What? What's up?
You told me that you didn't jerk off.
Okay...
So, was that a lie? Like, I'm just wondering.
You know, when you stop going out with someone,
the general rule is, you stop acting crazy with them.
No, that's... that's not the rule, actually.
Room 12.
Mr Robson's waiting for a catheter.
Right.
Chop-chop.
I'm coming.
I said I never watched porn.
I never said I didn't... masturbate.
So, what do you... do you watch then?
Um, nothing.
Just use my brain.
Things I saw. People I used to be with.
That is cool. That's pretty cool then.
- Mm. - Yeah?
So we do.
We go up Sunday morning to do boogie boarding out here
and it just goes off.
- You and me? - Absolute... yeah, no, yeah.
Another glass of the Chablis for either of you?
- Yeah. - No.
We'll, ah... we'll get a bottle, love. Ta.
Of course.
- There we go. - Cheers, mate.
These bugs will change your life, mate.
- Get stuck in. - Sure...
- Yeah. - Thank you.
Mate.
Thanks for making the time, man.
Oh, mate, it's... it's my pleasure, Jared.
It's nice to finally put a face to the incessant phone calls and emails.
Yeah.
Look, I am enthusiastic about my job.
- Guilty of that, yeah. - Yeah.
Which is what, exactly?
Oh.
- "Chief Growth Officer." - Yeah.
Not what the missus would say, mate.
- Ha.
Yeah, nah, I started in finance, did that whole thing,
bit of time at Cadbury-Schweppes,
ah, the integrity unit at the NRL,
bit of time at Channel 9,
few Logies after parties, mate,
and now we're at Lion Australia, which is fantastic.
- Oh, that's great. - Yeah.
Hey, Jared, it's so nice to be wined and dined
- on the company card, obviously. - All right, yeah.
But what did...? Did you have a proposal, or...?
Not into the foreplay, big fella?
- Well... - Okay, good on ya, mate.
Look, we just wanted to get in front of you, man,
and say what a fan we are of what you're doing and your beer.
- Ah. - We think you're special.
We think you're an outlier in the field,
and, ah, mate, we want to do business with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
So what we do, man... I'll give you the speel.
Yep.
We deliver strong branding communication campaigns
that deliver vertical integration and portfolio growth.
- Right. - So, say no more.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, say a bit more 'cause I don't really know what that means.
- Wait for this. You ready? - Yep.
We want to buy your brewery.
Bang.
Big bang, mate.
- Yeah, right. - There it is.
There it is.
Your life just changed.
- Mm. - What are you driving?
- I drive... - Not anymore.
- Good on you, mate. - Oh, okay.
What a special moment for you.
Yeah...
- Oh yeah. - Yep.
Oh yeah!
- Oh yeah, mate. - Yes, yes.
Let's get you a bit more comfortable, hey, Mr Robson?
Thank you.
Got the best girls on the job.
That's right.
- Hey, regarding tonight? - Yep?
Just promise me you'll be nice, Ash.
Yeah.
Can I get more than a "yeah"?
Yeah, I promise.
It just really matters to me that you like her.
Mm-hmm. Are you okay there, Mr Robson?
Marvellous.
Okay.
Just not sure...
What?
I'm just... I'm just trying to...
Um...
What are you doing?
Oh, hello. I'm inserting a catheter.
No, but what are you doing there?
I'm, um, just pulling back your husband's foreskin
to insert the catheter.
He's circumcised.
No! He's what?
My husband is circumcised.
Oh, yeah, I see that.
Go away, Mary.
You could have said something.
It's my birthday today.
Great. Happy birthday, mate.
- Many happy returns, Mr Robson. - Thank you.
Hey, let's talk numbers, all right?
Okay.
How many taps you on?
- Let's see. - I'll tell ya. Three.
And you're in four independent bottle shops
and you just lost the JetRex deal.
To us.
Sounds like you've done your research, Jared.
We just want to throw you a lifeline, mate.
We know it's your baby,
but there's certain economic realities, all right?
That you created, Jared.
We do not want to squeeze you, man.
But you're gonna have no choice soon.
You're a polar bear on a bit of ice, bruv.
Yes, we are,
and you're fuckin' climate change, can't you see that?
Oh, I appreciate that. Climate change is real, man. Seriously.
- Yes, it is. - Yeah. Yeah.
- Yes, it actually is. - Totally.
I can't tell whether you're trying to
kiss me or fuck me here, Jared, to be honest.
- Why not a bit of both? - Sure.
But can you see my problem?
Like, there's two behemoths buying up all the craft beer in Australia,
all the money goes to Japan...
Konnichiwa.
And I can't get my beer anywhere, mate,
because you guys have monopolised the entire thing.
- Shit yeah. Shit yeah. - Yeah.
Even the old pubs.
Especially the old pubs. Yeah, we got them ages ago.
'Course you did.
Look, mate.
- Maybe I wasn't clear. Sorry. - Mm.
We don't want to change a thing.
- Don't you? - No. No.
You're the conductor of the orchestra, we're just...
we own the opera house.
We just wanna make you rich, man.
- I'm security. - Mm?
You're a terrorist.
- And I'm letting you in... - Ah.
Let's blow some shit up.
- Right. Yeah.
- You're just the coach of the Rabbitohs.
I'm Russell Crowe in the box having party pies.
I'm worried about Gladiator and shit.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you're down there going, "Get him back."
"Run the field."
- Yeah. - "Get Greg forward."
- Yeah. - And I'm just up in the box
- trying to connect with my son. - Yeah.
- You get it. - Yeah, I get it.
- I mean, I think I... - Now, we're cool.
- Let me... all right, hey, now? - Yeah?
Let me take you somewhere special.
They do a good nachos here.
Oh yeah?
They'll do chicken or beef or whatever.
Do you want to get some?
Is that all right?
Yeah, get out. Go on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I think James thinks about me when he masturbates.
- Excuse me? - Yeah.
He told me that he doesn't use porn,
he just thinks about people he was with.
That's pretty cool.
What?
What? You hated male masturbation this morning.
Yeah, but if I feature in it, like, that's pretty cool.
A word please, Ashley.
We've had a complaint
from a Mrs Mary Robson.
- Are you kidding?
- Not a laughing matter, Megan. - Mm?
Sorry, Gene.
Mr Robson, though.
That's pretty cool.
I don't sound like that.
- That's pretty cool. - Shut up.
- Probably head off... - Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus?
Shit, um, probably Taylor.
I'm Miley. She frightens me and I love it, man.
- Do ya? - Oh yeah.
Oh, Crystal, well done!
Athletes, mate. They're athletes.
How often can you get this close to athletes?
- In their prime? - Yep.
I mean, this is LeBron courtside.
- Isn't it? - Yep.
Righto, Crys, that's great. Good stuff.
That's from both of us. We're celebrating.
Now, Batman or Superman?
Batman, probably.
Oh, yeah, easy.
Robert Pattinson Batman.
- Really? - Yeah.
You reckon?
Yeah...
Do you reckon you prefer to breathe underwater or just fly?
Ashley, I need to know exactly what happened.
Mrs Robson's very upset.
I was trying to pull back his foreskin, okay?
There was a lot of excess skin around the head.
He's circumcised.
Yeah, I mean, take that up with his childhood doctor.
Gene, his penis is a mess.
I beg your pardon, Mrs Robson.
Oh, come on...
I'm so sorry, Mrs Robson.
Look, if you'd like to go back and wait in the lounge,
I'll be with you in just a moment.
Now, I'm not sure what's worse.
Your overall conduct
or the fact that you're a sixth-year medical student
who can't tell whether a penis has been circumcised or not.
Do you need to see the slideshow again?
No, please.
Lot of paperwork here.
This is a sexual assault complaint.
Gene, do you know how many times I've been felt up
by men exactly like him?
- How many? - Too many.
Well, maybe your manner's a bit whiffy?
You're being too sexy.
Do you want to take that back, Gene?
I do.
Can I go now?
Yes, you can go.
I'll sort this out.
Okay, good. Thank you.
All right, good.
All the good girls have been on anyway.
Yeah, totally.
Oi, let's go to the driving range. I've got a spare set in the car.
Oh, mate, I... I don't know.
What don't you know?
I don't know about everything, do you know what I mean?
I don't know if this is a good fit for us, to be honest.
- A good fit? - Yeah, sorry, man.
It was a pretty good fit when you ordered a $200 bottle of sticky.
- You said "help yourself", mate. - And you did.
- Cockhead. - I'm a cockhead?
Yes, you are a cockhead.
You're dank, mate.
That place was dank.
- You're fucked, mate. - I'm fucked?
- Yeah. - No, you're literally fucked.
You're brewery's closed in 12 months, mate. You got nothing.
- No, mate, I've got plenty. - Yeah? Hit me.
And it's mine, all right? So, fuck ya.
Here we go! Yeah, you're fuckin'...
Yeah, here we go. Here we fuckin' go, mate.
- Yeah, yeah, come on, mate!
- Nah, nah, not here, fellas.
- Take it down the road. - Fuck you, mate.
- If you fuckin'...
You fuckin' prick!
- Here we go! Here we go!
- This is helping. - This is good.
Feel the cold.
Be the cold.
Brr, this is good.
Oh, shit.
I... This is unbelievable.
You are wasted.
- No, Ash, no, I'm sober. - It's all good, I'm working on him.
Don't worry, all right?
Where did you go? What did you do?
Ah, well, I went, ah... it was just lunch.
But then, honestly, Jared took me to a strip club.
- Which one? - Are you joking?
- Crazy Girls. - Ah, yeah.
Uh, no, but it was... I didn't like it.
Don't be mad. It was... it was really dank.
Yeah, no, I can back that up.
Ash, he's not really a strip club guy.
He's more a play-the-pokies guy.
- That's true. - Oh, cool.
What a catch.
You're supposed to clean the bin, you guys.
- Disgusting.
- Gordon, what is that? - What?
That is a fuckin' rat!
- What? - Oh, shit.
- Oh, fuck! - No, no, that's half a rat.
- Oh, no, no! - Oh my God. Oh my God.
- Oh no! It's like a yoyo.
Fuckin' hell! Is that...
- Holy shit! - Ah!
- No, he's good. - I can't breathe.
He's good. He's all fine. He's fine.
Great. I'm gonna go get changed.
Sorry.
- Are you right? - I am. I promise I am.
I had a coffee. I'm good, I'm good.
- Sort it out. - Yeah.
- Ooh, there they are. - Okay.
- Hello. - Hi.
Ashy, this is Rumi.
I've heard so much.
Same, girl, same. Oh my God.
- Oh. - Oh my God.
You are such a good person.
- You're such a great hugger. - I'll take one of those.
- This is Gordon, my boyfriend.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Ooh! - Ah, oh.
- Covid elbow? - Oh.
- I don't know.
- Oh, I'm so sorry. - No, it's fine.
Yeah, he's never met a woman before.
- Sit down, sit down. - Mm.
- I haven't been here before. - Do you want to...?
But I've heard it's, yep.
Mm, it smells good.
Do you know, I actually think this was my grandmother's house?
No way!
Yeah, this was the old post office and she used to live upstairs.
- Oh. - Wow.
My grandmother was the first female postmaster-general.
Uh-huh?
- Postmistress, I suppose. - Yeah.
Communication, you know?
Legacy.
- Oh my God, that's beautiful. - Yeah.
- Yeah, right. - Amazing.
Hello, folks. Here you go.
Can I... can I just ask,
did this used to be the old post office?
Um, I can ask?
No, it's okay. I know it is.
- You know when you can feel something?
- Yeah.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Love that. Welcome to Shwà
Have you dined with us before?
I have. I know that
your menu goes from small to big,
the numbers are prices,
and, ah, your pronouns are he/him.
So sorry.
God, we would never assume anyone's pronouns. We...
No, no, no, I'm not. No, he told me that like a month ago.
Oh, it's really sweet of you,
but they're actually he/they now.
Yes!
- Go off, King. - Thank you.
- I'll give you guys a minute.
- Could we...? - Sure.
Thank you.
Oh my God!
Negroni spagliato with prosecco with it? Yes!
Need, need, need.
Shall I get a round for the table? Let's do this.
Have you got my hat?
- Sorry, what? - My hat?
No, no, I gave it to the waiter.
Who, the... that guy?
- Yes. - Oh.
- Sorry...
No, no, no, absolutely fine. Um...
It's just, it's 'cause it's vintage, I'm just gonna...
Give me one second.
Sorry, hi!
- Gordon. - Sorry. I'm sorry, Meggles.
No, it's fine. She just, she likes her hat.
Yeah, it's great.
Isn't she great?
- Yes.
- She is... - She's great. She's fun, and... - Yeah.
Everybody, relax. Whoo!
- There we go. My God. - Yeah, she's back.
I actually also wonder,
so what I think we should start with, tell me what you think?
Do you mind if I order? Can I be that person?
- Please do. - Fantastic.
- Be that person. - Do they have a hat rack?
- I'm joking.
It's a joke.
You know, I saw my mother, I saw my sisters,
I don't even have any sisters,
but I cannot recommend Ayahuasca enough, you know?
Mm, they have that in the Blue Mountains, I think.
Oh, no, not the same.
- Not the same. - No?
No, you have to do it in South America, otherwise, what?
- Sure.
Guys, do you know, I've got a mate who does ketamine therapy?
And so, for 45 minutes, he goes in and gets injected with ketamine,
and then, um, he's out, completely out,
and he wakes up and he, he has a cry, and then...
But you've got texts to do, so not a problem.
You had enough to eat, baby?
- Yeah, I'm okay, baby. - Mmm. Come here.
Tell you what, the Rogan Josh is amazing.
- Mm! - Really...
- Best thing. - Yeah.
It's good, right?
It's good. I mean, street food in India is better, but...
- Have you been? - Oh, many times.
Many, many times.
- Really? - Yeah. God yeah.
India's really interesting, right? As a place.
Because, of course, my last name is Cashmere,
and so that is actually originating in the Kashmir district.
I actually consider myself Kashmiri.
Yeah, but you're not Indian.
Not in my roots, but...
Yeah. But, I mean, are... are you?
'Cause I'm... I'm Sri Lankan actually.
- Yeah. - Mm.
I know that, baby. I know that.
I'm just saying, you know, street food, better in the Kashmiri district.
Mm.
I can't wait to travel with you.
- I'm really looking forward to it.
I love you.
So proud of you.
I've just stopped voting now
'cause I think that's the best use of my voice right now.
And I said to her, "That's clearly because you didn't breastfeed him,
and now you can't trust him."
And I thought, this is it, and I wet my pants in protest.
I don't believe in pets as a concept.
That is essentially slavery to me.
And then after all that,
had to stop playing trombone.
And my doctor, Susan, said
that I actually have two uteruses.
- Uterine didelphys. Studied that. - Yeah, we studied it.
And when Susan diagnosed me, she actually broke down crying
because her mother had dual uteri, right,
and Susan's mum had lost her twin at birth,
and get this,
Susan's mum had named the deceased baby Rumi.
- Whoa.
I know! I know!
When she said that, we cried,
we hugged, and the clock on the wall actually stopped.
Oh, shut up!
- Excuse me? - Shut the fuck up.
- I beg your pardon?! - Sorry, I'm so sorry.
But fucking come on, Meggles, please.
Wow.
Wow, you little boy.
- I'm a little boy? - Yeah, you're a little boy. - Am I?
What, 'cause I'm not trying to fuck you, I've got to keep my mouth shut?
- What? - Whoa, okay, Rumi.
- I think that's not it, actually. - Really?
- No. - Really?
If I can, I think what it is, is that you haven't asked he or I
a single question all night.
Oh, Ashley, come on.
- No, it's true. - Ah, Ash...
You can pipe in at any point.
- That's exactly how conversation works.
- Yeah.
- In what space? - Yeah.
You go on and on and on with these insanely uncheckable stories.
They're checkable! They're all checkable.
No, actually, Rumi, I think the genius of you is that they're not.
- Huh. - Huh.
- Wow. - Wow.
Jordan, I am sure you've heard this a million times,
but you have a garden variety Madonna Whore complex.
- OK, I don't think we need to say that.
- Nope, first time.
Really? Wow, if you can't see it, it's very clear to me.
- Hey, don't... - In this situation, what am I?
Madonna or Whore?
- Well, you're in... - Please, tell me.
A heteronormative domestic partnership,
so I'm gonna say you're the Madonna,
and that's the reason that he still looks at porn.
Oh, fuckin' what?
- Jesus, Meggles. - Oh, sorry.
Do you not have anything else to talk about, the two of you?
- Oh! Don't you?! - Oh, us?!
I mean, that is all you talked about all day
and we just, we just stopped talking about how many women he slept with.
- Oh my God. - And now it's how he's watching porn.
Well, this isn't very humiliating.
Well, can you just stop looking for issues?
- Sorry. - Oh, wow.
I... I can't be the only person here who watches porn.
- You're not. - I watch ethical porn.
Okay, how do you know I don't?
Well, who directed this morning's piece?
Ah...
Jessie...
Cock... man.
Yeah, you got me, Rumi.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't stay for the fuckin' finishing credits.
I fuckin' watch low-grade porn, was that not clear?
- Wow. Wow. - Wow yourself.
- Okay, I'm just gonna get the bill. - You fuck...
Cheers, and also,
it's Gordon, not Jordan.
Who? What, this?
- Yes. - Don't worry about it.
Don't really know why I keep coming back to this restaurant.
So.
- Can I have my hat? - Oh. Yeah.
Take off my hat.
- Take off my hat. - Guys.
There you go.
There it is.
Take it.
- Gordon. - Hey.
There, take it.
For fuck's sake.
Thanks, Gordon. Helpful.
Very mature, Gordon.
- I'm sorry, Meggles. - Yep.
Well, that was the worst.
Yep. Yep.
- That was... - She sucks.
She's not good. I'm glad I sobered up for her though.
Oh my gosh.
Can I just say that I'm very sorry that that happened
with the porn and telling Meggles...
You know what?
Yes, humiliating.
But also, I get it.
I get it. You gotta talk to someone.
And I'm sorry.
Can we talk about it a little bit?
Sure.
I am sorry that it made you feel weird.
Mm-hmm.
But also, you need to know that it's not that big a deal to me.
Yeah, it is to me, though, because I... I just felt
rejected.
It may be silly, but
I just thought we were in, like, a honeymoon phase, and...
Yeah.
- We are having a lot of sex. - Yeah.
So I'm just like, "Why do you need to do that?"
Oh, I didn't need to do it, it was just something...
It was stupid. It was... I just did it in the moment.
You know, there was an on-ramp.
- Yeah, the legs.
- You know, and I just did it for myself.
Yes!
And it's just, it's not about you.
It is though.
Because... You could have...
We could have hung out instead.
That was the offer, and you... you...
We could have.
I know, but, Ash... And you're the best...
But just walking all the way to the train station
and back again with Colin...
He's just so fuckin' slow.
He is slow, bless him.
- I get it. - Honestly, Ash,
this is a thing that I've done since I was, what?
Thirteen?
It's a deeply-formed habit.
- Maybe a bad one, I don't know. - Okay, okay.
I mean, you must at least occasionally, you know...
- Don't say "flick the bean". - Flick the bean.
I...
just wouldn't choose it over time with you.
That's all.
- Right? - That's fair enough.
That's fair enough.
I... I'm gonna...
I'll be more mindful.
- Oh, will you? - Yeah.
Like a yogi?
- Yes, like a tantric yogi.
Like Sting.
Okay, I reckon Sting would go all right.
Oh, mate, Sting goes off.
Without a doubt.
- While we're on the subject...
- Yeah?
I accidentally jerked off an elderly man at work today.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Well, you know, I mean, that...
- That's ethical porn. - It is.
I mean, there are no accidents,
so let's just say I jerked off an elderly man.
- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - At work.
It's very hard to accidentally jerk someone off.
How'd it happen? Is this real? This actually happened?
It was... it was a foreskin misunderstanding.
- Oh, is that what happened? - All right?
Yeah, yeah. I mean, that happens.
♪I was doing fine, then I met you ♪
♪I don't need a sign ♪
♪What will be will be ♪