(rousing rock music plays)
(music intensifies)
(Shoresy): Fer what?
Starting a brawl in the stands.
It was clearly our booster club.
Everybody knows the Bluester Club's ready to rip.
You can't suspend him for the final game
for something that happened in the stands.
Yes, we can, that's why we're here. Ready to vote?
All right, hang on. Let's do this diplomatically.
Don't be such a fuckin' nerd, Gord.
- Shoresy! - We've got a rep present
from all participating teams. I think the Bulldogs
should be able to plead their case,
we'll all get a chance to weigh in,
and from there, we'll make a decision. Cool?
- Cool. - Cool.
- Fellas? - Pardon?
- Moving right along. - All right, Shoresy.
- She reps the Bulldogs. - I rep the Bulldogs.
Then rep the Bulldogs. We've got a final to play.
Here are the facts. The Bulldogs and the Hunt
were playing a hockey game last night. The Bulldogs won.
The Hunt are now eliminated from the tournament,
and the Bulldogs advance to the final
against Les Rapides de Rawdon.
- That's it? - That's all that matters.
- Delaney, we'll go to you. - I want him drug tested.
- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Look at him.
He's fuckin' sniffin' yak.
We were up 3-0. Shoresy started
a brawl in the stands that affected the game on the ice.
- Physically impossible. - They came back and won.
Sure that wasn't an acid flashback, ya fuckin' loser?
It was a clear attempt to disrupt the game.
Bit of a sour grapes bias here, people.
We had to pause play for 20 minutes.
Well, you're lucky you didn't K-hole, Delaney.
All right, so you'd vote to suspend him
for the final game? - Yes.
(Gord): Sly? - No one's ever given a shit
about senior hockey.
This tournament's internationally broadcasted.
He goes into the stands and starts a fight
in the semi-final game.
You are so fuckin' stunned, Sylvestri. Wow.
- He didn't throw a punch. - He threw a beer.
- A beer got spilt. - It's a bad look for all of us.
(Nat): You were too dirty to play for Boston.
Yeah, check your own backyard, bitch.
I don't think he should play in the final.
That's two for suspend him. Freisens?
- Pardon? - Go ahead.
Where?
I mean, it's your turn to speak.
- Who? - Either or.
Or what?
I mean either one of you can speak.
- Okay. - So, go ahead.
- Where? - Okay, new rule.
You can't vote if you can't count to say, 25.
- I actually agree. - You can't vote
if you don't know what animal goes "oink".
(Nat): Let's keep this moving.
I won't keep you all in suspense here.
My vote's to suspend him. - You're undefeated.
- So are you. - Do you really need this advantage?
No, but I want it.
All right then.
Shoresy, you're suspended. - Fer what?!
(Gord): Shoresy, you got knocked out cold a few days ago.
- You'd be stupid to play, man. - He knows.
That he's stupid? (both): Fuck you, Delaney.
You're really putting yourself at risk
by playing so soon after.
Don't be such a fuckin' pussy, Gord.
- Why do you want this so badly? - Because it's the final
game of the tournament! - Shoresy.
And it's his final game ever.
(Jory): I'm Jory Jordan, and this is the Sudbury
Kids Sports Report with breaking news.
Marie-Mai is the hottest woman I've ever seen.
Also, the worst player on the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs
will retire after playing his last game in the upcoming
tournament final.
Marie-Mai, I'm in love with her.
I'm cut off my own arm in love with her.
I'll never forget the first time I saw that woman.
Her beauty was shocking. Her image became so clearly
etched in my mind, I could close my eyes
and masturbate to it. I could.
But instead I masturbate to what every normal teenager does,
hard-core pornography found for free on the internet.
I know what you're thinkin'.
"Bet I know what he'd like to do to her."
While internet porn has shown me the thrill
of sticking your entire fist in someone's mouth
while they shove their entire fist up your ass.
If given the opportunity, I'd just like to tell Marie-Mai
how highly I regard her. Aside from being beautiful
and multi-talented, she's a devoted mother,
philanthropist, and role model to young people everywhere.
So, what I'd like to do to her? Look her in the eye,
shake her hand, and tell her I respect her.
But here are the wives of the Rawdon Rapids
starting line-up, and what I'd like to do to them.
Chloe Deschamps.
Choking is popular in pornography.
Someone's always choking someone. Though I've never had
the desire to choke or be choked. Watching porn
has taught me that Chloe most certainly has.
Genevieve Lachappelle.
I saw a video recently of a man
spitting into a woman's mouth,
which she appeared to enjoy immensely.
I can only assume Genevieve would too.
It's always good to say something degrading.
I was raised not to speak disrespectfully to women,
but perhaps Manon could say to me...
(speaking French)
Which loosely translates to,
"Show me your hot hobbit balls."
Coralie Montagne. Let's try a little role-play.
You be the saucy older teacher,
I'll be the much younger student who, judging by his runty frame,
shouldn't have a gigantic penis. But does!
(Tessa): That is so dirty.
The dirtiest player in the tournament,
as advertised.
Golfed in the ankle one game. Knocked out cold the next.
It's no wonder Shoresy's hangin' 'em up after the final.
- He's too old for this. - RA?
- Who fuckin' cares? - Well, judging by our growing
viewership of the National Senior Tournament broadcast,
a decent amount of people. - Woopty fuckin' doo.
Listen, I'm just gonna say what everyone else is thinking.
It's the physicality. - I can't believe the amount
of fighting in this tournament. - People tune in for it.
They can't help it.
But these are championship games.
It's senior whale shit hockey.
It's bush league.
Who can complain?
Every game has a handful of big goals,
a bunch of big hits, and a fight.
- Two. - Two fights?
Per game. On average.
Okay, that is bush league.
There's a national title on the line.
And they've all gotta go to work in the morning.
Either way, this is hockey the way a lot of people
remember it, and how many people still prefer it.
- More than you'd think. - I'm from Boston,
you're preachin' to the choir. - Tonight, the host
Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs face off
in the National Senior Tournament final
against Les Rapides de Rawdon,
owned by Quebec pop icon, Marie-Mai,
who has declared that if her team wins the fights,
they win the game. As for JJ Frankie JJ--
He's the only one of them that isn't hurt.
- Physically. - For now.
(speaking French)
After this week's explosive
exposé on Hey Vous Autres,
it's safe to say that the big man
will have a very big target on his back.
(Shoresy): Big as the moon. (children giggle)
So big, in fact, that a single Frankie fart
can smell like up to four kinds of fast food.
(children laugh)
- Yes. - I switched from Lucky Charms
to Denver omelettes for breakfast
and have much more energy in the morning.
Well, there's a W for you, Nat.
And don't forget what you guys learned
at the Q&A webinar. - And hey, you parents, too,
I don't care whose birthday party it is,
there's such a thing as too many two-liters.
(children laugh)
All right, final words of advice for the kids?
Hitch, why don't we start with you?
I'm not tryin' to tell ya to go out and punch no one
in the head, but if ya does,
ya might get a bit more room out there next time
ya has the puck, b'ys. - There are girls here, too.
- Are there? - Yes.
- Which one's a girl? - Shoresy.
(Michaels): Dolo.
(Michaels): Goody.
Make a good first impression
and always leave a lasting one.
(players): Nice. Goody.
- He stole it from somewhere. - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did. - He's smart, wow.
- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.
Well, as for me, kids, I just say wanna say--
Michaels, I'm just gonna jump in here real quick.
(children laugh)
Kids, you got a million people in your ear
trying to make it about a million things
other than hockey.
Whether they got ya comin' to the rink to compete
or to play, or to participate,
it's always more fun when you win.
You're gonna lose more times than you can remember.
You'll never forget when you win.
- Thanks, Shoresy. - Don't be losers.
Okay. (children laugh)
Do you wanna be a winner or do you wanna be a loser?
- That's it for our seminar-- - Go win!
If you do, you'll finally get to fix your stupid haircut.
(children laugh)
Huh.
(players chatter)
(Jill): Hi. Hi.
Hi. Shoresy.
Is it cool if I call you that?
- Mm-hmm. - Everybody else
has been calling you that at the seminars.
- Mm-hmm. - And the webinar.
And the webinar.
Your audience doubled, then tripled with these talks.
Must feel good. - For the community,
by the community. - Nice of you guys to give back.
That's what hockey players do.
You know, I've been thinking about something you said.
How people are trying to make hockey
about everything other than hockey. I agree.
Yeah, things are getting a little bit weird, eh?
Everybody needs to stop being weird.
Just stop being weird.
You know, the kids like you. They listen to you.
They shouldn't listen to Michaels. Seriously.
(chuckles)
I'd like them to listen to you more.
We're starting a hockey school with a select group in Sudbury.
You know, trying to get the kids focused on the game again.
Try to get them focused on winning.
And we'd like you to work with them.
Think that's something you'd be into?
No.
Hmm. Okay. Well,
think about it for a while and I'll come find you.
(Jory): I'm Jory Jordan and this the Sudbury
Kids Sports Report Live.
Shoresy, quick word for the SKSR Live?
Well, my ankle's killing me, but fuck it,
this is probably the last time I'll ever have to do this, Jory,
so let's go. - It's good to be with you,
Shoresy, I think a lot of people would've just
ended it all by now. - Maybe.
I can only assume you're still reeling from
the NOSHO Cup loss? - Lil' bit.
No inclination to neck a bottle of pills
or make some toast in a bathtub? - Nope.
You let down an entire town, your teammates, and yourself.
What advice do you have for other balding, 40-year-old
losers going through tough times?
- Hang in there, kid. - A positive attitude
is essential for any captain. Tell me, how do you manage
to stay strong while falling short of expectations
over and over? - Well, just gotta pull yourself
up by the bootstraps. - I've heard your recent play
called everything from pitiful to pathetic.
But it's not as pitiful or pathetic
as Frankie's recent subtweeting at Marie-Mai.
- Oh no, what's he saying now? - Today's tweets include,
"Thanks for reminding me why I never open up."
(Shoresy scoffs) - "All I wanted was to be
somebody's somebody." - What? No.
And finally, "I gave her all of me and left none for myself."
- What a loser! - That's all for the Sudbury
Kids Sports Report. - Hey! You really
like this Marie-Mai, eh?
She takes my breath away. With her image.
Though I do also wonder if she'd like to take my breath
away with her hands. - Oh, my God.
That's all for the Sudbury Kids Sports Report Live.
- Oh, my God. - We out?
Hey man, thanks. - Thanks?
A lot of people watch when I have you on.
I'm running a business here and you're good for business.
So, thank you.
(Nat): He didn't say that.
- Fine, he didn't say it. - I don't believe it.
I don't care.
We need Frankie tonight.
Well, Frankie's got a mental battle to win.
(Nat sighs)
- How you feeling? - About what?
How you feeling?
Oh, I could really use a shoulder right now, Nat.
Thanks for asking. - Oh, shut up.
There's a lot of things coming up.
You know, a lot of emotions. - Okay, okay. Okay!
I need somewhere to put it. You know, I don't wanna just
bury it like I do everything else.
(Shoresy chuckles)
Well, I'm gonna follow Jory's lead,
and I'm gonna say thank you right now, too.
Fer what?
For always finding a way to contribute.
For dragging this team into the fight.
For giving back to the community.
Well, I know how much that fuckin' means to you.
And for the Bluester Club.
Well, the Bluester Club's ready to rip.
You inspire our guys, man.
You motivate them.
You cook for them.
What's good for the goose.
Thank you.
You gonna cry? (Nat exhales)
You are. You're welling up. I can see it.
- Fuck you, Shoresy. - You can't hide that from me.
Come on, sit down, we'll let it all up together.
We need to stop compartmentalizing.
- You've got press. - Yew!
This is it. (Shoresy): You look this good
for all your interviews?
I took a bit of extra time for this one.
My God, woman, you look fantastic.
- Thank you. - How're we gonna get
anything fuckin' done? - Don't worry, I'm a professional.
- Are you? Huh? - Huh?
A professional with her feet
touching my feet while she's at work?
How long did you plan on playing?
So long as I can fog a mirror.
Well, Bobby Baun played on a broken leg.
Zdeno Chara played with a broken jaw.
- Like, wired shut? - If he puked, he would've died.
- Why would he puke? - Well, there's a lot of fuckin'
ugly dudes in the show. - Why would he put himself
at risk like that? - 'Cause hockey players
don't give a fuck. - Apparently.
He would've played with an eye hangin' out of his skull
or a nut hangin' out of his sack.
What're you gonna miss the most?
- The room. - Yeah?
- The boys. - In that order.
Well, and being able to just haul off
and punch some dude in the back of the head
if I don't like what he's doin'.
Think you'll be happy without hockey?
Will you be happy?
("Serene Demon" by Art d'Ecco plays)
(♪)
(music softens)
♪ You'll be happy in a little while ♪
♪ So they tell ya ♪
♪ You'll be happier in a little while ♪
♪ So they tell ya ♪
♪ You'll be happier in a little while ♪
♪ Oh, they tell ya ♪
♪ You'll be happier in little while ♪
(dramatic inspiring music)
(♪)
(crowd cheers)
(whistle blows)
(crowd shouting)
(indistinct shouting)
(player): Come on, come on, come on!
(crowd jeers)
(Rapides players cheer)
I wanted the first one.
Hey, hey.
(whistle blows)
(crowd jeers)
Take it easy. Two-goal lead is the worst lead in hockey.
(buzzer honks)
(Shoresy): I'd rather be up two than down two.
It's the fastest game we've seen.
Don't tell that to the Italians.
- I won't. - Can tell 'em
they're the ugliest, though.
(Anik): Rawdon's shooting everything tonight.
(Shoresy): I don't even wanna know the shots.
You've had plenty of scoring chances,
but can't seem to find the twine.
Well, French goalies are really good.
What needs to change in the second period?
(Sanguinet): Jim. - Yeah?
(Sanguinet): Jim. - Yes.
(Sanguinet): Jim. - Ready to swing
the momentum here, Sanger.
New period, boys.
You gotta set the fuckin' tone!
- Ready to go. - B'ys they're shootin' everything.
I never see a team with so many injuries as this,
but we gotta be blockin' shots.
Help out Michaels, boys. Get the body in front of it.
(Michaels): Yeah, but we need shots.
Boys, we're not gonna win this game
unless we score some fuckin' goals.
Gotta find a fuckin' way.
Frankie, you gotta find a way, big boy.
Let's get one here and keep going.
I know you're all hurt, but we need to see
everything you've got for 40 more minutes.
Come on, boys, let's fuckin' see it, huh?
(Hitch): Get the body in front of it out there, b'ys!
- Let's fuckin' go! - Set the tone.
(tense electronic music)
(rhythmic hip-hop music)
(cheering)
(hip-hop music continues)
(crowd cheering)
(whistle blows)
(player): Hey!
(crowd jeers)
(whistle blows) - Fuck!
(crowd jeers)
(whistle blows)
(Rapides players cheer)
(crowd jeers)
(buzzer honks)
(players panting)
(Nat): Shoresy!
Yo!
How bad is it?
- Doesn't matter. - No excuses.
(Ziig): Seriously, how banged up are we?
(Shoresy): Doesn't matter.
Never let them know you're hurt.
(Miig): How are we gonna score four?
Gonna find that fuck you attitude.
(helmet clatters)
(stirring electronic music)
You keep the puck out.
Need you to keep the fuckin' puck out. Can you do it?
Just worry about the guy at the other end.
I got him. Don't worry about him.
Can you keep the fuckin' puck out?
- Yeah. - Keep the fuckin' puck out.
Need five fuckin' goals, boys.
Need five fuckin' goals here. I know everybody's hurt.
We need five fuckin' goals. Who wants 'em?
Who wants the goals? Hitch.
You ever been on a team this good?
- No. - Get one for us.
Dolo.
You ever win a national title? - Nah, bro.
Get one for us.
Goody.
You ever been on the best team in the entire fuckin' country?
- Not yet, Shoresy. - Get one for us.
Fish, you'll never be back here again, ya fuckin' loser.
You know it. - I know.
Get one for us.
Hey, big boy.
Everybody's playin' through something here.
You gotta play through it.
(Dolo translating into French)
You gotta battle.
Whatever's fuckin' goin' on in Quebec, forget it.
(Dolo translating)
(Shoresy): You gotta play through it.
We need ya. We need ya here.
We need ya. (Dolo translating)
(Shoresy): Come on.
(stirring music quickens)
(crowd cheering uproariously)
(crowd cheering)
How's your hand?
How's your hand, ya fuckin' idiot?
Hey, how's your hand feel on the back of my fuckin' helmet?
I didn't drop 'em. They both dropped 'em.
I didn't drop 'em. I never fuckin' dropped 'em.
I still have my fuckin' gloves on.
I didn't drop 'em. They both dropped 'em.
(music intensifying)
(cheering)
(horn honks)
(music quickens)
(cheering)
(inaudible shouting)
(♪)
(cheering)
(inaudible shouting)
(♪)
(cheering)
(♪)
(buzzer honks)
(music stops abruptly)
(muffled soundscape)
(muffled cheering)
How was the two-day bender?
You'll have to ask someone else.
- Sorry I couldn't join. - Too old for this.
- I know I am. - I meant I'm too old for this.
So, break it down for me. You win the game,
you raise the trophy. - In our own barn.
Off the ice and into the room. Champagne showers?
- Mm-hmm. - Then what?
(joyful electronic music)
(inaudible conversations)
(♪)
(Laura): Looks good. - Thanks.
- Then what? - Quick chat with BROdude
and off to supper where Ol' Gorgeous
did not disappoint.
I love that about hockey players.
You all spend the week trying to kill each other,
but there's almost never any carryover
after the final buzzer. A handshake, and it's done.
Don't want the beers gettin' warm.
(joyful electronic music)
(inaudible conversations)
(♪)
- Well, it's all pretty cute. - Oh, I know that look.
- Do ya? - Like you wanna take me home.
Like I wanna take you home and grab you by the honker?
Like you wanna take me home
and grab me right by the ding-dong.
Wait, what was the quick chat with BROdude all about?
(music stops) (Shoresy): Just...
crushing beers!
(Emma): Hey, Shoresy.
Can I talk to you for a sec? (Shoresy): Okay.
- Nice hair. - Yeah, Hitch barely looks
like a fuckin' idiot at all now.
Yeah, that's a good look for you.
If it weren't for his face, he'd barely
look like a fuckin' idiot at all.
- What's with the new look? - Oh, we were just
being degenerates. We cut off our hair
and couldn't fix it until we won it all.
- It's a good deal. - It's a better deal
if you're not a degenerate at all.
But I wouldn't say it's fixed.
Get the fuck outta here, Michaels.
So, you're done as a player.
Yeah, did ya wanna say, "Sorry to hear"?
- I wanna offer you a job. - No then, eh?
How would you like to be an analyst for BROdude Hockey?
(curious music plays)
They want you to be an analyst?
Yeah, said they wanted a really good-lookin' guy.
I dunno. - Really.
I guess they were havin' a hard time
finding really smart, good-lookin' guys. I dunno.
How much are they gonna offer you?
- Why? - Because I have to match it.
Fer what?
You're gonna coach.
(hip-hop music)