♪
Nell: "Estelle Dubroff,
a devoted mother and grandmother,
is survived by--" I still can't believe this--
16 children and 49 grandchildren."
How do you remember all their names?
Patience, love...
Oh. ...and name tags.
Lots of name tags.
Are you thinking of having children?
Ah, well, I-- Don't get me wrong. I love kids.
I guess I'm just in a place in my life
right now where it feels like children
might not be in the cards for me, you know?
I know. I know. I sh--
Don't let it happen!
I'm sorry. Come again?
Save your vagina!
My vagina?! Oh...
I-- [ Scoffs ]
Talking to my doctor. Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
Wow. I was not expecting that.
16 kids.
That's 16 trips down one canal.
Ohh. Do you know what that does to your body?
For the first-- No, trust me. I have a great imagination.
But you love them, right?
Ahh. Of course.
Do you know who else I love? My nieces and nephews.
Do yourself a favor. Be an aunt.
You get all the fun stuff and none of the hard stuff.
So... you gonna send me off now or...?
Yeah. Sounds like you could use a little "me time."
Oh, yeah.
[ Keyboard clacks ] [ Message whooshes ]
Ooh.
♪
Attention hirelings!
Please give a warm welcome to the tallest
and most powerful presence in any space--
my father, your work father, Duncan Rhodes!
[ Applause ] Hello, hello, my essential workers.
I have some very exciting news
about me.
It turns out that
I will be awarded
the Spirit in Journalism
Lifetime Achievement Award.
Yes! He shoots, he Duncans!
[ Chuckles ] Uh, sports!
So it just goes to show
that if you work hard
and have a lot of money
and sabotage your rivals,
one day, your entire lifetime
could be an achievement
deserving of an award.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Oh, hold on. It seems Father may not be
the only one garnering some recognition.
Everyone, check your e-mails.
[ Cellphone chimes ] [ Gasps ] Oh, my God!
I've been nominated for an award!
[ Cellphone chimes ] What?
I was nominated, too!
I didn't get an e-mail.
It's, like, not even in my spam folder or anything.
Maybe I need to stand closer to the router.
So if you need me,
I'll be looking into
how to parlay this success
into a run for public office,
because remember-- sky's the limit when you're me.
[ Applause ] Okay. Thank you.
This is so stressful. Keith is out of town,
and his mom can only handle one baby at a time,
so I need to find a sitter.
Ugh! Tell me about it. Ben is also out of town,
so we need to find a sitter.
No! Don't-- No, no! Yes, yes!
Don't-- Mnh! I never should have shared
my sitter information with you.
[ Messages whoosh ]
[ Message bloops ] Yes!
Aah! Ha ha ha!
Ashley comes through for the Den-Bens.
Aw. Don't make that face.
Your sacrifice will not be forgotten.
Hey. If you need somebody to watch the kids,
Fun Aunt Nell's got a lot of fun to give.
Ooh! Yes! yes! I love this! Ha! Yes.
Okay, so, I will leave the baby with Keith's mom.
And Tilly has been feeling jealous about her baby brother,
so she could use some one-on-one time with her favorite auntie.
Perfect! Awesome!
Yeah, Till's my best bestie.
She really gets me, you know? Plus, I've been itching
for an excuse to wear that princess dress again.
Mm! Because I'm not just a godmother.
[ As Vito Corleone ] I'm her fairy godmother.
I'm gonna make her an offer she can't refuse-a.
Something tells me you've never seen "The Godfather."
[ Normal voice ] Really? I-- How do you figure?
What do you think, Arthur? You like my fort?
[ Dog whimpers ] Top-notch, huh?
[ Gasps ] A bra?
What's all this? I'm building a princess fort.
Tilly's coming over. What's all this?
Belongs to my lady friend. Would've been nice to get
a heads-up that a child was coming over.
Would've been nice to get a heads-up
that you're hooking up on our communal couch.
Disgusting. I don't love it.
Who is this person, anyway?
Can't tell you. Signed an NDA.
[ Gasps ] They're definitely famous. Come on.
Is it Selena Gomez? Judy Blume?
[ Gasps, purrs ] Martha Stewart?
Are you her new Snoop?
I appreciate you understanding
that I could woo this caliber of woman, Nell,
however I can't confirm nor can I deny
any of your assumptions.
Fine. Why do you even care that a kid's coming over?
I thought you were going out tonight with... Charlize?
Nice try. My lover's busy,
which means I will be playing "Star Rim" all night,
which also means I will be commandeering your fort.
Don't worry. Tilly and I will stay out
of your gross, sex-swept hair.
I have lots of fun activities planned
because I am Fun Aunt Nell, DJ Airhorn.
[ Imitates Rasta airhorn ]
[ Knock on door ] Ooh!
[ Gasps ] Hey, bestie!
Hi, bestie.
♪
[ Dog barks ] Arthur!
Thank you again for watching her on such short notice.
Don't thank me. Thank the Spirit in Journalism Committee
for failing to recognize my work.
Now, you take that shimmer eye and that sweet peach for a spin.
This one? [ Gasps ]
Eeow!
Tilly!
Alright, Princess Tillifer of the House of Tilly.
Shall we stroll the village
and grace the commoners with your presence?
Sorry, Aunt Nell. I'm not really into
this princess stuff anymore.
I think I just want to read on the couch.
Oh, okay, yeah. Reading is great, you know?
I'm into it. Let's get lit... erature.
Heh. I'm gonna go change real quick, you know?
This dress doesn't let me breathe.
Isn't this wonderful?
We're finally getting the recognition we deserve,
like Jennifer Coolidge or Brussels sprouts.
Do I have a back crease?
It's corduroy. It's one giant crease.
Look at me, though.
I'm out in the world, I am enjoying myself,
I'm on my second martini, and I am feeling--
Oh, God. No, I'm actually feeling quite nauseous.
I should slow down, hey?
Yeah, maybe slow down a little. Yeah.
Well, I am so proud of both of you.
And no matter what happens here tonight,
the fact that you were both nom--
Clap!
[ Applause ]
Oh. Who's this hottie? [ Camera shutters clicking ]
Hello, Father! Yes, it's to scale!
I wish I was that thin. Isn't this exciting?
Your first Lifetime Achievement Award,
and you're 15 years younger than when Rupert got his.
You always think it's gonna be amazing
when you make your first $10 million
or you buy your second island.
But I have to tell you-- it pales in comparison
to being recognized with a sit-down dinner.
Now I know what Gandhi must have felt like
if Gandhi had a full head of hair.
Ha!
I'm better Gandhi.
Yes, you are, Father!
Clap for better Gandhi!
[ Applause ]
Okay, bestie, so I didn't find any books,
but I did find a Glamour mag that is three years old,
but I think it should probably hold up, but, um--
Uh, Tilly, is this boring man
forcing you to play some dumb game?
She wanted to play. What?
And she's been surprisingly helpful.
She found a break in the space-time continuum.
I play "Star Rim" with my dad when he's home,
so I know all the shortcuts.
But, um, wouldn't you rather do some TikTok dances?
We can even do a lift this time.
I went on a date with a chiropractor.
He taught me how to engage my core
so I won't hurt my back again.
But we're almost at the outer cosmos!
Oh, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah.
Fun Aunt Nell knows how to pivot. Heh.
Here we go!
[ Adventurous music playing ]
[ Clears throat ]
So is that an alien or just a--
Shh! Shh!
♪
[ Crunching ]
How long is this game? How big is the universe?
Ohh! She's about to land our pod on the landing dock!
Yes!
Good game. Good game.
Oh, that's, um-- that's our secret handshake.
But, I mean, it's not a secret anymore,
'cause you guys just did it. Anyway, it's fine.
Um, so, do you want to revisit those TikTok dances?
I just learned a BTS dance. Girl! Unh!
That's kinda cringe, Aunt Nell.
Yeah, I feel the same way. I was just saying it ironically.
Anything else you want to do, Tills?
Well, I have been wanting to open up a restaurant.
Ooh! "Top Chef" Tilly in the house.
Can I get a table for... one, please?
Edward?
I could eat.
Right this way.
[ Sighs ]
I'll be back to take your order.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I don't know what kind of wizardry
you're doing on the little kid, but, um...
Tilly was always all about me,
and I don't know why she suddenly is into you more.
Kids can be weird.
Maybe one day, your kids will like you more.
Yeah, I mean, if I even have any.
I assumed as much.
You assumed? You assumed?
I am so sorry. Why would you assume that?
Well, for starters, your living situation
and your job situation.
Also, you have a lack of urgency to find a mate.
Because I'm not desperate.
If it happens, it happens.
Oof. That's kind of a flawed way of looking at things
considering, at your age, pregnancy is labeled geriatric
and your odds of conceiving
dwindling by the menstrual cycle.
At this rate, your fertility window isn't really closing.
It's... kind of painted shut.
Welcome to Chez Tilly.
May I start you off with some water?
Sparkling or flat?
Tap. She's trying to upsell us already.
Can I be seated at another table, please?
Sorry. We're fully accommodated tonight.
Crawfish at this time of the year?
Color me skeptical... but I'll try it.
♪
I cannot believe my lifetime is being awarded!
Congratulations on sitting next to me.
You must've done something right.
Thank you, Mr. Rhodes, I really needed to hear that
because I'm actually thinking of what I might say in case I win.
Something like, "It's a honor."
An-- An honor?
Uh, on her?
Oh, no, I said it so many times,
now it doesn't make sense in my mouth.
Oh, you're a nervous little fella, aren't ya?
Hey, Duncan's portion
seems a little bit bigger than the rest of ours.
I mean, I could eat this steak in, like, two bites.
Oh. It makes total sense, Sam.
He got the ribeye. You got the mini-mignon.
Huh.
Also, I don't recognize anyone else nominated in my category.
I mean, except for maybe that guy over there,
who I'm pretty sure is from a GEICO commercial.
Oh, yes. What a shame.
So many journalists have to take on commercial work
in order to make ends meet.
It's really the sad state of journalism.
Uh-huh.
[ Clears throat ] Gentle reminder, Ms. Rhodes.
Um, you only booked the space until 9:00 p.m. Yes.
And we have an AA meeting coming in next,
so we're gonna need time to break down.
I'm aware of the schedule. Yes.
Okay. We will be gone in time, you jackal!
Get out of here.
How much of that did you hear?
How much do you think?
So all of it. Mm-hmm.
We'll be right back, Father.
Boy! [ Fingers snap ]
Get another picture of my father eating.
Ah!
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
Okay, fine. It's all fake.
The awards aren't real. I just paid for it all--
the space, the dinner, the other nominees.
I mean, the emcee is my mechanic who owed me a favor.
Why would you do this? Because I wanted my dad
to see how well the paper was being run under my charge.
And to give my friends a night to remember.
And the winner of Metro Editor of the Year--
Dennis Simbeaux-Jones.
Ohh! It's happening! I'm happening!
This is the greatest night of my life.
[ Applause ]
♪
What? Have you talked to him recently?
He really needs this.
Alexis...
♪
[ Rapid scraping ]
Nell, could you stop-- stop-- stop with the noise?
Hmm? Please? You don't even need a knife for that salmon.
It's smooth as butter.
Uh, can you not tell me how to eat my food?
And if you must know, I was actually using the knife
on the cauliflower, which is a bit undercooked.
Is everyone enjoying their meal?
Oh, yes. The food is so yummy.
Okay. Where do I begin?
At this price point, the branzino,
it shouldn't have bones!
I'm so sorry, sir.
Also, I ordered linguini.
And here. Take a look.
You see that? It sticks.
When it sticks to the wall, it means it's overcooked.
I am so sorry, sir.
I'll take this right back and speak to Chef.
Thank you.
Can I try some of your squash?
Wha-- Do you ever stop to think
about what you're gonna say before you say it?
And how maybe what you say might hurt people?
Critiques are necessary if she wants to run
a successful restaurant in this economy.
That isn't n--
Your soufflé, sir. On the house.
Now we're talkin'. Thank you.
Looks moist, fluffy.
You know the secret to a stable soufflé? Older eggs.
Ungh! That's so interesting. It's so interesting.
What you're saying to me is that you like older eggs
in your dessert but not in your human women!
Did I get that right?!
I'll... go get your check.
I'm starting to think this isn't about the soufflé.
Ya think?
Thank you for this incredible... hon-or.
[ Applause ]
Sam, you can't leave now.
They haven't announced your award yet.
What award? None of this is real.
I actually have a lot going on at home right now, okay?
I really don't need this. I know, and I'm sorry.
I thought if I dedicated an entire night
to my father winning an award,
then, finally, he would say "thank you" to me.
And the winner for Best Style Editor goes to...
Sam Holkar.
[ Applause ]
Okay, fine.
But now you owe me lots and lots of...
something I haven't thought of yet.
Thank you. But keep your speech short.
The AA people are eyeing the bar,
and I would hate to be the cause of another relapse.
Thank you.
I don't know why you're so upset. I'm just stating facts.
Well, your facts are rude!
Fact-- facts can't be rude. Facts can only be facts.
Rude is your interpretation of the facts,
which, again, they're just facts.
No. Rude is your dumb mouth
which spouts your dumb facts!
Now, that's actually rude. What do you want me to do?
Do you want me to lie to you and say that you have billions
and billions and billions of eggs
and you could have a baby until you're 90 or something?
[ Grunts ]
Unh!
Nell!
That's a '97 Syrah,
and you just two-buck-chucked it at me!
Well, you're lucky it's not the fork, which is real!
Stop it! Why is everybody always fighting?!
Can't we just have one nice dinner?!
Ohh. It'd be nice if we could taste
a little of that passion in the food.
Mnh! Ugh!
Hey, Tilly, sweetie. You alright?
Are you upset?
[ Sighs ] Was it Edward?
Was it me?
Mm-hmm.
Is it your baby brother?
He sucks, but no.
Okay, well, if you want to talk about it, I'm here.
Or we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
I could just sit here with you.
Whenever Daddy's home, Mommy and Daddy fight--
like how you guys were fighting.
Mommy pretends everything is okay,
but I know it's not.
Oh, sweetie. Wow.
I'm so sorry.
I mean, is that why you wanted to play "Star Rim"?
So that you can feel close to Daddy?
I think Mommy and Daddy fight
because I fight my brother and they're mad at me.
No. No, no, no, no, no. Tilly, come here.
That is not your fault, okay?
If Mommy and Daddy are fighting, that has nothing to do with you.
They love you so much.
You're the best thing that ever happened to them.
You know how I know? How?
Because they tell me-- like, all the time.
They're like, "Tills, she is the best.
I love Tilly so much.
If Tilly were ice cream, she would be my favorite flavor."
And I happen to think that your parents
have some really great taste,
because you're my favorite flavor.
I'm just gonna take scoops out of you.
Let me just get a little bite of this.
Oy, yoy, yoy, yoy! Num, num, num, num, num!
Sorry we didn't do all the fun stuff we usually do.
Oh, I'm not here for just that.
Yeah. I mean... I'm here for all of it.
Nell, I actually don't think
TikTok dances are cringe when you're doing them.
Right? Unh! I got the moves!
You know it!
♪
Ohh...
Speaking of thanks, uh, there's a lot of folks
I would like to thank tonight.
Ma'am, we really need--
Shh! This is it.
Carl, my accountant,
your work off-shore and on...
has been nothing short of tremendous.
It's 10 after 9. The AA people are breathing down--
Just give me one more minute!
My stylist, Jacques. Oh, my goodness.
Merci beaucoup, my friend.
And, finally, someone who is...
quite literally the reason we are all here tonight,
without whom none of this could have been possible.
This is it.
Johannes Gutenberg,
the inventor of the printing press.
Uh-huh. I just learned that!
Okay. Wow. Heavy.
[ Applause ]
Thank you. Good night.
Tear it all down.
♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Hey. Um, call me crazy,
but I think my award is peeling,
and, uh-- and underneath, it says, um...
"Number One Dad," which is, uh...
I don't want to cry again, but, um...
You know, let's-- let's circle back to this Monday.
Have a good night.
Nell: So? How'd it go?
The entire ceremony was fake. What?!
Lexi concocted the entire thing just to impress her father.
That's insane. I know. Insane.
But totally on brand. On brand and sad.
Hey, so, um, if it makes you feel any better...
Uh-huh. ...we had fake dinner tonight.
Ooh! She finally got Chez Tilly off the ground.
Good for her.
Yeah, soft opening, but it was nice.
How's she doing? Where is she? She's asleep in my room.
Oh. Wait, wait, wait. Real quick.
Mm?
Um, so, we had, like, a little talk earlier,
and, um... she kind of told me
that you and Keith are not in the best place.
Wow.
Nothing gets past that kid, huh?
Is he in San Francisco because of work
or because of you guys?
A little bit of both. Oh.
Yeah, he's up there 'cause he's gotta work longer
and we are taking some time apart
until we figure things out.
Wow, Mama. I am so sorry.
I-I had no idea.
It's been really hard trying to handle all of it on my own.
I'm here. I got you. You're not on your own.
I know. No, you have to know that.
I am here for you for whatever you need.
You know, especially when it comes to the kids.
Girl, Fun Aunt Nell.
Whatcha gonna do? [ Imitates Rasta airhorn ]
Stop all of that. All of it?
Just give me a hug. I love you.
What are you doing?
I know we only ate imaginary food,
but I hate fingerprints on the dishes.
[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry I upset you earlier.
I didn't mean to make you feel bad.
I thought I was just saying facts.
But I now realize those facts came across as rude
because you said they were.
I appreciate that.
You know, but if I'm being honest, uh,
I think I needed that reality check.
I keep hiding behind saying, "If it happens, it happens,"
but the truth is, is it won't happen
if I don't make it happen.
And I do want it to happen.
You do?
Yeah.
When I was with Tilly earlier,
it just felt... right.
And, like, maybe I'd be good at being a mom.
I'm really glad to hear you say that.
Yeah?
Because after our tiff, I did a little cursory research,
and it turns out that the facts are more encouraging
than I previously thought. Oh.
There are a lot of women who have healthy children at your age.
I do think you'll want to focus on your diet a little bit better,
and I know that's an uphill battle for you.
Got it. Thanks. You can also freeze your eggs.
Oh. It is very costly, and you're--
Well, let's face it. You're poor.
Edward!
I'm just saying...
I think you'll be great at it.
So just say that.
[ Groans ]
You would be great at it.
Thank you.
[ Water sloshing ] Okay. Well, you didn't dry the plate.
I did. There's gonna be rings on it.
It's plenty dry. We'll switch spots.
Father, this isn't easy, but I have something I'd like to say.
I have spent my entire life trying to impress you,
trying to get your approval,
but you never seem interested.
Well, guess what.
This entire awards show was a sham!
And another thing-- I've never liked your girlfriend Susan.
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to charge your credit card
an extra hour.
Yeah, don't interrupt me when I'm talking to my father!
Okay, Dad. Let's go.
We'll continue this in my car.
♪
I mean, it's cheaper than therapy.