"Teddy Thompson, Pasadena's number one real estate agent.
Don't just dream it.
- Own it." - Own it!
That picture's plastered on the side of every bus in town.
Mmm.
Ironic that yesterday I got plastered on the front of one.
Ooh, well, I will not use the word "plastered" in your obituary.
Uh, "splattered"? Oh, I'll work on it.
So this is a real fixer-upper.
When are you gonna fix it?
Morning, Nell. Haven't received your rent yet.
Also, there is something aggressively stinking up your side of the refrigerator.
Oh, sorry. I-- I don't have any more checks or money.
And, um, that smell is a combination
of leftover soups from last week I'm gonna have for lunch today.
Gross. Just make sure you remove your Frankensoups from the apartment
on your way to work, which is none of my business,
but I do think that should've been, like, 20 minutes ago.
What? What? No. Damn it! Ugh!
So, you're a renter?
I just don't think I can represent you.
When I died, I was this close to closing on a $10 million listing.
I'm strictly in the luxury market.
What kind of property am I?
A condo near the airport whose value is depreciating.
I am not depreciating.
If you could send it out for me, that would be great. Thank you.
- Sam! Ugh. - Hey!
- Sam, am I depreciating? - Mm-hmm?
Oh, is this a skin care thing? Because if so, I have an off-brand retinol
that'll just burn an entire layer off of your face by Monday.
Ooh, no. Ah. I mean, metaphorically.
I-I-I'm afraid I might be growing mold in my basement.
Oh, yeah, honey. I don't think I have a cream for that.
I've been here for a year, you know. Do they consider me an asset?
What? Of course they do. You are smart, you are fun to be around,
and you are the only one strong enough to lift the Sparkletts.
All right, people, listen up. It's time for some housecleaning.
Now, my father, the owner and publisher of this paper, the reason you're all alive,
is coming here today, and everything needs to be perfect.
I'm not stressed. You're not stressed. Nobody's stressed.
All right? So why don't we just all clear our cubicles
of any unprofessional and non-news-related personal effects?
What is this? "Live, laugh, love."
More like, "Barf, barf, barf."
Sam, can I stash a couple photos of the kids in here?
They're adorable and joyful, everything Mr. Rhodes hates.
Yeah, sure. Bring it in. Okay.
Oh, God. What?
Dennis, you've been fostering for a couple of months.
How do you have so many pictures?
I just want to capture every moment.
Look at this. - Okay.
It's the first day Ben and I brought them home.
- Very sweet. - Yeah.
First time in the living room. Well...
First time in the dining room.
Oh. First time in the hallway.
Okay, sweetheart. Get it together.
- Parenting is not that great. - Sam. Dennis.
Here are the binders you'll need
for the major presentation I've prepared for my father.
Ooh, this is a chance for you to increase your value.
- Ask for a binder. - Can I have a binder?
Nell, oh, you surprised me.
You're always lurking about like a little church mouse.
What do you need a binder for?
I'd like to be in the meeting. I have a decade of journalistic experience.
I-I think I could bring some value to the table.
Nell, over the past year,
I've come to know you as a friend to Sam and also an acquaintance/employee to me.
So I don't want you to take this the wrong way,
but it's just that my father needs to see the very best of the paper,
and you are, um--
The worst.
That wasn't very nice, Mason.
Ah, what a scamp. Come on, A-team. Let's go.
- Mason got a binder? - I don't know. I'm so sorry.
Good morning, everyone.
Great to see you again if we've met before.
Wow, nice shirt. We're gonna buy you a mirror.
- I'll remove it, sir. - Good call.
It's a pleasure to see you, Father.
Alexis. You're looking as stern as your grandmother more and more every day.
And you look wealthy, Father.
Mmm.
I'm excited you're here
to review the progress of the crown jewel of the Rhodes family corporate holdings.
I have put together a thorough presentation
with some of my top people and their giant binders.
They're-- They're very heavy.
No spoilers, but I'm also excited to tell you that circulation is up 3%.
Ah, 3%, like the milk.
Yes.
Step away from my father's array of special treats.
Sorry, these scones are so dry.
It's like eating a bath bomb.
And who is that with the crumbs?
Oh, she's just the obituary writer. She has no binder.
It's still in my throat.
You know, actually, she is the one that I came here to see.
Did he say me?
You see, I've been reflecting on my very important life lately,
and I think it's time to consider what the world will read about me
when I'm gone.
Titan. Maverick.
Titan of all mavericks.
See, these are all words used to describe me.
Of course. Accurate ones at that.
Yep. You know what? Finish up whatever you're doing with your mouth,
and, uh, let's get to work, huh?
But Nell is one of our more insignificant workers.
If you wanted to work with one of our more significant people, uh,
me's available.
Ah, no need, darling.
I'm gonna talk to Mel.
"I'll just talk to Mel." - Mm-hmm.
Oh.
It is very nice to finally meet you, Mr. Rhodes. You have a lovely newspaper.
Aw, well, it's nice to meet you as well. And I haven't read your writing yet,
but judging from your hands, you're a really hard worker.
Thanks. I have seasonal eczema.
Ah.
So, let me ask you, how does this work?
Do I, uh, dictate to you? Do I act out scenes?
Oh, uh, typically, you know, I do some research, talk to loved ones.
Could you get that for me?
Whew.
Okay. So, tell me what might be
the first thing you want people to know about you when you're gone.
Oh, wow. I'm really not good off the t-- top of my head.
In 1987,
I acquired two of the most dominant light bulb retail chains in America,
The Light Bulb Plus and The Light Bulb Stop,
and I merged them into Light Bulb Chalet.
Okay. That's pretty good.
And it cut 2,000 jobs nationwide.
I'm sure they all just went back to school.
What's that smell?
Oh, I remember you.
You're Nell's adult roommate. You look even less rugged in the daytime.
And you're Nell's unapproachable, controlling boss.
Where'd you get your suit? Nancy Reagan's grave?
No, but it is from her collection.
Has anyone ever told you you resemble a stalk of asparagus?
You look like you've eaten all the lemons.
You look like someone who can't eat dairy and loves to tell everyone about it.
You look like you want to talk to my manager.
I'm waiting for my father. He's here to spend the day with me.
- Why are you here? - Nell's leftovers.
Ah. Her cubicle is, um--
Oh, it's somewhere over there. It's the sticky one.
Good luck saving the grass or whatever it is you care about.
Good luck with the War on Drugs.
All right. So, how's it reading? Is it humming yet?
Maybe not yet, but, you know, trust the process.
Even with my story about how I ended the minors' strike?
- Mmm. - You understand
when I say minors, I mean children.
- I got that. - Okay.
Um, but, as of now, it's sounding a little less "celebration of life"
and a little more like what a villain says to you as they lower you into a volcano.
Well, see, that's-- that's no good. Th-This is my legacy.
This is how people are gonna remember me.
So-- So what do I do? Just-- Just be honest with me, Mel.
Okay. Y-You want me to be honest?
My name is Nell.
- Mel. - Nell.
- Nell with-- - Nell, Nell, Nell.
- Yeah. - Oh.
You know, this is either the first time that I've gotten someone's name wrong
or the first time that someone's corrected me.
All right. Tell me more.
Well, I find that people connect most with the-- the simpler things.
Ah.
You know, the struggles someone overcomes, um, the good they've done.
Of course, the good--
Well, that should be easy enough.
- Okay. - How do we put some good in my obituary?
By being good.
- By being good. - Yeah.
Of course. Do you know something?
This is the most fascinating conversation that I've had in my entire life.
- Wow. - I wanna keep talking.
- Come on. - Oh. Okay.
I'll tell you-- tell you what, "By being good."
How do I not know that?
Lexi's dad thinks I'm fascinating.
"Fascinating," he said. How's that for increasing value?
Your neighborhood is on the come-up. Get ready to pay $12 a latte, honey.
Oh.
Are you ready for lunch, Father?
I am. I'm going with Nell.
Oh, and that's her name, everyone. So let's stop saying it wrong.
Of course, if she'll have me, that is.
You know what? Lunch sounds great to me, Mr. Rhodes.
Okay. Your driver or mine?
Uh, yours.
Mine.
Very well. Exactly how I planned and wanted things to happen.
Why are you still here? Shouldn't you be milking an almond?
I couldn't find Nell's desk.
She's having lunch with my father, which is fine.
Doesn't seem fine.
It seems like you actually have some pretty serious daddy issues.
What do you know? You look like a mop with student loan debt.
You look like you just got fired from Sephora.
Hmm.
So, I've been thinking about this,
and there are some things that you can do to be a better person
and have an impressive obituary...
...for example, charity.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I've given a-a lot of money to charity over the years.
And, uh, I even gave my entire Malibu estate to my ex-wife.
Yeah, didn't care for it.
Well, m-maybe you'd enjoy, uh, giving to charity
if you gave it to something you love, like, uh, n-name something you love.
- Money. - You wanna donate your money to money?
Yes. And, uh, how does one do that?
That finger better be telling me how many bottles of wine you want in your order,
- or you're about to lose that hand. - I am so sorry, Cricket.
Hmm. - Mr. Rhodes is Lexi's dad.
- That tracks. - Ouch.
Well, I've never had anyone apologize for me before.
- But I love it. - Uh--
Tell me what I did wrong.
So, when your server approaches, you make eye contact,
- greet them... - Okay.
- ...say something nice. Mm-hmm. - All righty.
Hello, I'd like to buy you a plane.
- Well, no, that's too much. That's-- - No?
- That was too far. - Okay.
Maybe something more relatable.
Got it.
Yowza, you can do Shakespeare off that balcony.
S-Sorry.
Never-- Never comment on a woman's body.
But body and plane are my two best moves.
You have to make someone feel seen, you know, and appreciated.
What am I supposed to do? Compliment her on her shoes?
- Sure. - Yeah.
Yeah, that seems safe. Give it a whirl.
I like your shoes.
Thank you.
Look at that.
- Really? It-It's-It's that easy? - Really.
Yeah. It might not be building a school for orphans,
but you just made a normal human connection.
Thank you, Nell.
You're welcome, Mr. Rhodes.
Oh, congratulations, everybody.
And you owe me a plane.
Please tell me there's more coffee.
It ain't fresh, but it does the trick, am I right?
Amen to that, right?
- Wait. Why are you here? - I'm kind of on a break.
You don't work here.
Not on my break I don't.
Yeah, I'm not gonna move on from this. Why are you here?
Uh, Sam, Edward is here today because he is my lawyer.
But he's an environmental lawyer.
Exactly. I'm currently in litigation with a spruce.
But he is done, and on his way out.
Yeah. Are you okay?
Are you sure today is the best day to start suing trees?
Oh, it's like they say, "There's never a great time to sue a tree."
I'm fine, Sam.
Okay.
Be sure to sign the card for Steve's birthday.
You don't work here.
Why are you still here?
I came for a cup of coffee and to see if you wanted me to
"hug you from behind and navigate the belly button."
Are you referring to earlier in the hallway
when I pinned you against the wall, kissed you hard and you kissed me back?
It was nothing. Forget about it. I have.
I know that laugh. I heard it once before as a child.
I was roller-skating and fell.
What are they laughing about? Is she even funny?
Have you heard her breakfast puns? They are "egg-cellent."
Well, I wanna thank you for a very enlightening day, Nell.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Rhodes.
Ah, Mr. Rhodes is my cat. I named him after me. Call me Duncan.
Thank you, Duncan. I also had a really enlightening day.
And me.
You went from a teardown to a modern farmhouse
in a good school district.
You know, I don't use the term "moxie" often because, uh, well, I don't want to...
...but I do have to say I think you've got it.
And I'm gonna be giving you a raise.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Thank you, Mr. Rhodes.
Wow. I mean, thank you, Duncan. Duncster?
- Too far. - Duncan.
Alexis.
Yes, Father, do-do you need me?
- Ye-- I sure do. - Oh.
I-In the sense that I need your office.
I just gave your Nell here a raise,
and we're gonna go up there and celebrate with Scotch by the fire.
A midday libation. How lovely.
- And I will see you up there in ten, huh? - Mm-hmm.
All right, ding-dong. Get back in there.
Let's do this. Wow.
Stop talking.
You're not gonna believe this.
Mr. Rhodes is totally obsessed with me, and he values my opinion,
and he just gave me a raise.
What? Are you joking me right now? Oh, my gosh.
We have to celebrate. You so deserve this.
I smell a shopping trip to Neiman's.
Or maybe to Marshalls. We're still in journalism, so...
Either way, I am so proud of you.
- Thank you. - Oh.
- And now maybe that you have an in... - Uh-huh.
...you could use that to get him to give Lexi some attention, you know?
Like, deep down, I think she just really wants some attention from her dad.
Mmm, pass. No, she's been a total jerk to me. No.
- I'm gonna take that as a "maybe." Okay? - Huh?
So you can think about it because I'm genuinely worried about her.
Every time I see her, she looks like she's falling apart more and more.
Hello.
She looks all right to me.
Mm-hmm. Oh.
Mmm.
That tastes like an expensive shoe.
You know, my doctor says this is bad for my liver, so I had him killed.
Ah, yes. You're so bad, it's illegal.
Oh, it's so weird relaxing in here.
I'm usually getting yelled at by Lexi or insulted by Lexi
or just having insults yelled at me by Lexi.
Yeah. When you're a Rhodes, you have a lot to live up to.
Yeah, I bet.
You know, Duncan, I--
I feel kind of bad for Lexi.
I think it's kind of driving her crazy that you're ignoring her for someone else.
- Oh, it always does. Cheers. - Cheers.
Wait. No cheers. What do you-- What do you mean it always does?
Well, that's how I motivate her.
You see, whenever I think she's slacking,
like when she's pleased about a measly 3% increase in circulation,
I find someone who I know gets under her skin,
and I shower them with praise and attention.
That just drives her to work harder to win my affection.
Are you serious?
- That's kind of terrible. - And effective.
One time, when she was underperforming in boarding school,
I befriended her roommate, Sarah. Spent Thanksgiving with her.
God, that kid was so boring. Really into maps.
Anyway, Lexi that year graduated at the top of her class.
So y-you were just using me to manipulate your daughter?
Well, I knew you were perfect
when I saw how nauseated she looked watching you choke down that scone.
I feel nauseous.
Can't believe I was some pawn in Duncan's weird game.
I obviously can't take that raise.
I'm always gonna be a condo by the airport.
You know that $10 million listing I had?
It had ocean views, wine cellar, infinity pool.
I get it, Teddy Thompson. I get it.
But it also had termites,
a cracked chimney and a crumbling foundation.
When I saw that inspection report, it felt like getting hit by a bus
because I was reading it on my phone when I got hit by a bus.
- Ouch. - The point is,
it doesn't matter how fancy you are on the outside
when your foundation is crumbling.
I can tell you've got a good foundation.
- Do I though? - Yes.
I knew I was taking away Lexi's dad's attention.
I didn't even care. I was so-so focused on feeling valued.
In your defense, you were trying to teach him how to be a better person.
Which I failed at too.
I didn't get through to him at all.
He didn't even care about his obituary.
Maybe because he hasn't read it yet.
Or he can't read. One of the two.
Duncan Wilson Rhodes was a titan of the publishing, vitamin
and light bulb industries.
He was a wildly influential businessman who lived a successful life
by any metric except for one,
his relationships with the people in his life.
♪ Well, I've been out walking ♪
He is survived by Alexis,
a former Olympian and current editor of the SoCal Independent.
Alexis particularly strived to attain both her father's business acumen
and his affection.
While she succeeded in the former, she never got the latter
because Duncan's passing came before he could realize
that it's not the business ledgers that really tally the worth of your life.
There you go.
It's the value of the relationships you have with others...
This one goes first because I took it five minutes before this one.
...and the impact that we have on those people.
Perhaps if Duncan had a chance to do it all again,
he would have diversified his emotional holdings.
- Hello, Father. - Alexis.
I want to apologize for Nell's obituary.
I would cut her pay, but she already makes below a living wage.
Well, see what you can do.
Also, I've been reviewing our financials,
and I think I can do much better than the 3% circulation increase.
I have some exciting ideas I could email to you.
Well, I knew you'd find a way. Schedule some time with my secretary.
Alexis.
Yes.
I like your shoes.
- My shoes? - Yeah.
Th-Thank you.
I got them from a cobbler near the palace in Vienna.
Mm-hmm.
That was a wonderful trip.
Oh, you remember that, huh? I do. Never had sauerkraut before.
Or the bratwurst, right? Yes.
You did that.
We did that.
Thank you for reminding me of my value.
Well, as Teddy Thompson always says,
-"Don't just dream it. Own it." -"Own it."
Now can you please finish my obituary? This is the longest showing of my life.
What is going on here?
Oh, this? Just some fond memories.
No, these are-- these are things that Lexi took off everyone else's desk.
Yeah. This is Jeff's family.
They're my family now.
And this is my turkey drawing made with Dominic's son's tiny little handprint.
I love the decor.
And you were a Navy SEAL. Thank you for your service.
You got it.
These items belong to other people in the office. She stole them.
Oh, do-gooder over here. Every office has one.
Try sitting across from her every day.
- Blah, blah, blah. Nobody's there. - You are funny.
I know, right?
Oh. I'd like to take you to lunch. What's your name?
- Tina. - Wonderful. Come on, Nina.
Uh-- It doesn't even matter.