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I'm starring in a show!
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I'm Catherine and I dance very beautiful!
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- [man] Hey, Catherine.
- [young Catherine laughs]
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No pictures. No pictures. No pictures.
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Well, I'm just gonna walk into the TV.
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- [woman] You are?
- Yeah.
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- [woman] That's magic.
- I know.
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♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
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♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha, ha, ha ♪
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[Catherine] ♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
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♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
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[laughs]
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I feel completely insane,
but I look literally stunning.
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[knock on door]
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- [man] That's five.
- Yes. Thank you, Knock.
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Thank you, Five.
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Thank you...
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[groaning melodramatically]
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[hyperventilating]
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[audience applauding, cheering]
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[male announcer] Hello, New York City.
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Welcome to Joe's Pub.
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Please give a thunderous,
warm welcome to Catherine Cohen.
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[audience applauding, cheering]
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[whistling]
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Seriously.
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Stop. I'm shy.
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[audience laughs]
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♪ Hello ♪
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[audience member whoops]
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Oh, my God. [laughs]
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I have an amazing voice.
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- [laughter]
- Wow.
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Look at me
doing comedy in a rhinestone romper.
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[laughter]
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Against all odds.
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Bet you're wondering how I got here.
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Well, baby, [chuckles] I'll tell you.
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[audience whoops]
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♪ When I was a little girl ♪
41
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♪ Gazing out my window
Looking at the world ♪
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♪ Wishing time would just go
On and on and on ♪
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♪ And take me to a new place ♪
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♪ Where I'd sing a song
And meet a fresh face ♪
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Hey!
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♪ How do we find our calling? ♪
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♪ How do we know where we belong? ♪
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♪ If we harbor enough
Resentment in our teens ♪
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♪ We can write a catchy and funny song ♪
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Whoo!
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♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
52
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♪ So, now I do comedy ♪
53
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♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
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♪ So, I need all of you to look at me ♪
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh ♪
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me please, please ♪
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♪ Please ♪
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, uh, oh, oh ♪
60
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♪ Yeah ♪
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♪ When I was a tweenage girl ♪
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♪ At the big school dance
I playfully grabbed Andrew's hat ♪
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♪ And away I pranced ♪
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♪ It was a flirty thing
I'd seen some of the skinny hot girls do ♪
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♪ But Andrew was just like ♪
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"Gimme my hat back."
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♪ I cried the whole way home ♪
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♪ I thought
Stealing someone's hat was sexy ♪
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♪ But now I sing in dimly lit bars ♪
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♪ Andrew voted for Trump and has a car ♪
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I don't have one.
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♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
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♪ So, now I do comedy ♪
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I don't have a car. Lunge out.
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♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
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♪ So, I need all of you to look at me ♪
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Seriously, please.
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh ♪
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White boot.
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
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Hit my clit.
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, please, please ♪
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♪ Please ♪
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh, oh, oh ♪
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Yeah. Bridge.
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♪ This is healthy ♪
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♪ What I'm doing is healthy ♪
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♪ This is a good way
To work shit out, yeah ♪
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♪ For the record
I've met boys who wanna kiss ♪
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♪ Some even wanna
Put their dick in my mouth ♪
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♪ But it's never enough ♪
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Help! Spin. Okay.
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♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
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♪ So, now I do comedy in New York City ♪
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- Give it up.
- [audience cheers]
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♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
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♪ So, I need all of you to look at me ♪
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Seriously, please.
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh ♪
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Hair flip.
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
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I'm unwell.
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, please, please ♪
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♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh, oh ♪
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Big finish. Ready? Hey.
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♪ Look at me ♪
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[cheering and applause]
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Give it up for Henry Koperski on the keys.
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[audience cheers]
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So, welcome to heaven.
This my show. [laughs]
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You look at me,
you think, "Okay. She has it all."
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And it's true.
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I do. Ooh.
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I'm young. Oh.
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I'm gorgeous. Ooh.
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But, just this morning,
I had one sip of cold brew
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and ruined my only butthole.
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[laughter]
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Stars, they're just like us.
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I am so happy to be
doing this in New York City.
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[cheering]
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Mmm!
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New York City, where I,
for lack of a better term,
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do actually "live."
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The other day,
I was dry-swallowing my birth control pill
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as I Citi Biked up the Williamsburg Bridge
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and I was like, "Oh, my God.
I guess I am the voice of my generation."
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And it's exhausting,
but someone has to do it.
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[burps] I'm sorry...
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[audience laughs]
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Oh, I'm sorry.
I literally can't stop creating content.
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If this gets too tall,
I will try to fuck it.
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So we have to...
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She has a type.
135
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I recently quit my job
because I couldn't wake up and go there.
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Does that resonate with anyone?
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Yeah.
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So, now I've been doing
a lot of lying on my bed,
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just kind of waiting for the retweet,
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that'll [clicks tongue]
turn it all around.
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Social media is perfect,
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'cause you can watch
people you barely know
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sort of unravel in real time.
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Which I absolutely foot pop j'adore.
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No, jealousy is cool,
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'cause it's like swallowing
a house that you just set on fire.
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[audience laughs]
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Not to be this bitch,
but a pandemic, colon?
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Not what I had in mind.
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So ran... Literally, so random.
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I was like,
"I did not know this was an option."
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I was way more concerned with things
just falling on my head.
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There's a lot of stuff that's up.
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And here I am beneath.
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But a pandemic is what we ultimately got.
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Which was rock and roll, normal and cool.
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The last year was absolutely exquisite.
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I gained a lot of weight
over the last year,
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which isn't good or bad.
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It isn't good or bad. Not...
It isn't good or bad.
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So, it isn't good or bad to gain weight
because isn't good or bad.
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And can you tell
I had therapy two times this week?
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Yes.
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Oh, my God.
A standing ovation so early in the show.
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I did not see that coming.
166
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Um, but it's cool.
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One perk of gaining weight
is that, obviously, my tits got huge.
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If you didn't notice,
it's because you hate women.
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My tits got big enough that I can now,
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like all the great poets
who came before me,
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titty fuck my boyfriend.
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[audience cheers]
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Thank you. Thank you.
174
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No, no. And that's not why I do it.
175
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I don't like being the girl who's like,
[whining] "My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
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I feel like girls who are like,
[whining] "My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
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are the same kind of girls who are like,
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[in nasal voice] "There is actually
too much sugar in fruit."
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[in normal voice]
"So, for me, it's a dessert."
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And then their mouth goes
all the way around their face.
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But I can officially titty fuck my...
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Don't you sometimes wish
there were different words for things?
183
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But now my tits are big enough
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that I can wrap 'em
'round my boyfriend's cock.
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Did you think...
186
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Be honest. Did you think you'd hear
"cock" this early in the show?
187
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Cock is such a porny word.
188
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I famously love porn,
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if my boyfriend tells me
the girl looks like me.
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Otherwise, it is bad for women.
191
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And that's just
where I stand on that issue.
192
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So, I was, for the last time,
titty fucking my boyfriend.
193
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:05,670
Humble brag. And...
194
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when he came... [clicks tongue]
195
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:11,508
Yeah.
196
00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,887
Could hear a freaking pin drop.
197
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When he came,
198
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,600
[smacks lips]
199
00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:21,727
he made a sound I've never heard before.
200
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:26,524
And I was like, "[chuckles] Okay.
I'm a sex goddess."
201
00:09:28,317 --> 00:09:29,610
I turn to him, I say...
202
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:32,780
[clicks tongue]
203
00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:34,198
"How was that for you?"
204
00:09:35,032 --> 00:09:37,994
And he goes,
"It was actually almost painful."
205
00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:42,415
Um, feminist win much?
206
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,590
Yes. I'm doing the work.
207
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:56,262
Oh, there's such a good energy in here. I...
208
00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:58,389
- You're family.
- [audience cheers]
209
00:09:58,472 --> 00:10:01,058
I love. I love.
210
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:02,518
What a summer.
211
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,686
It's been a time.
212
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,605
I hate the summer.
213
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:08,149
All I've ever done in a bikini is sob.
214
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,110
But one thing I love about summer,
215
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:16,824
I have to say,
is those hot, hot summer anthems.
216
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:21,954
So, if the DJ could just drop
that track real quick, that'd be sick.
217
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,374
I'm really more
of a dancer than a comedian.
218
00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:30,296
Dancer first, choreographer second,
model third, comedian fourth.
219
00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:31,881
[audience whooping]
220
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:33,257
Shh. Let me do my thing.
221
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:39,639
♪ I don't know if you heard
Or if you hang on every word I say ♪
222
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:43,643
♪ But I got something I must share
So, listen up, hey, hey ♪
223
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,937
♪ The weather's getting hot
And I am, oh, so ready to play ♪
224
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:51,859
♪ So, listen up and I'll tell you
How you can make my day ♪
225
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:57,073
♪ Make my day ♪
226
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,617
♪ Events, events
I wanna go to events ♪
227
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,452
♪ Please, invite me to your events ♪
228
00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:03,245
♪ Events, events
I wanna go to events ♪
229
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,830
♪ Take me to your events ♪
230
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:09,001
♪ Don't know if you know
But it is known that I am just perfect ♪
231
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:12,838
♪ To take to a red carpet
Where you must repeat and step ♪
232
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,256
♪ I know the poses ♪
233
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,759
♪ Yes, you know I slay the skinny arm ♪
234
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:21,597
♪ Because I've hated my arms
Since I was a preteen ♪
235
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:26,936
♪ Thank you, patriarchy ♪
236
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:27,853
Yes!
237
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,647
♪ Events, events
I wanna go to events ♪
238
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:31,524
♪ My life is hard
I need to go to events ♪
239
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:33,192
♪ Events, events
I wanna go to events ♪
240
00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:34,860
♪ Take me to your events ♪
241
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:38,447
♪ Champagne flute, cocktail dress
Uber, Lyft, Via, sure ♪
242
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,826
♪ Dress code, list at the door
Don't worry, I've done this before ♪
243
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,494
♪ People will send me shit for free ♪
244
00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:45,371
♪ Friends say
I look like fat Alison Brie ♪
245
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:47,498
♪ But they mean it in a nice way ♪
246
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:52,420
♪ Yes, they definitely
Mean it in a nice way ♪
247
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:54,839
♪ Ah, ooh ♪
248
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:56,674
♪ Event ♪
249
00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:58,968
♪ Take me to your events ♪
250
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,554
♪ Ah, ooh ♪
251
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:03,055
♪ Event ♪
252
00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:05,558
♪ Take me to your events ♪
253
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:06,642
Bridge.
254
00:12:06,725 --> 00:12:08,477
♪ Don't insult me ♪
255
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,229
♪ Be a good host ♪
256
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:13,774
♪ No Facebook invite
But only Paperless Post ♪
257
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:16,360
♪ If you ask me for my mailing address ♪
258
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:17,319
Step ball change.
259
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:18,320
♪ It will get lost ♪
260
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,407
♪ I must confess, because I move so much ♪
261
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:26,662
♪ Because I can't afford rent ♪
262
00:12:26,745 --> 00:12:27,580
Yes!
263
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:30,374
♪ Events, events, I wanna go to events
My life is hard ♪
264
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:32,585
♪ I need to go to an event tonight ♪
265
00:12:32,668 --> 00:12:34,378
♪ To fill the void that is inside ♪
266
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:36,088
♪ I must go to an event ♪
267
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:37,548
♪ Please, take me to your events ♪
268
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,259
[cheering]
269
00:12:45,055 --> 00:12:49,351
Um, I think everyone has heard by now,
but I want to be up front about this.
270
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,228
I have some exciting news.
271
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,022
I... [chuckles]
272
00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:56,150
recently read a book.
273
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,068
[scattered laughter]
274
00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:02,406
[cheering]
275
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,952
Thank you. [mouthing] Thank you.
I love you.
276
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,372
I have a rare disease
where if I read a book,
277
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:12,791
the whole time
I'm looking at it, I'm like, [chuckles]
278
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:18,923
"Look at you. Reading a book."
279
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:22,176
"You stupid, stupid slut."
280
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:25,930
Just 'cause I don't like to read,
write, argue or be alone,
281
00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:27,890
doesn't mean I'm not an intellectual.
282
00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:30,893
[cheering]
283
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,353
That's my crowd work.
284
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,233
I actually won
a very prestigious award lately.
285
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:38,359
Hold for applause.
286
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:44,198
I won an award for leaving my home
without my phone for 42 minutes.
287
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:45,866
Yeah. Thank you.
288
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:48,118
And, no, and that's not why I do it.
289
00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:49,787
And that's not why I do it.
290
00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:51,872
When I did that,
291
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:55,793
I had what critics and fans alike
are calling "a lady in a movie moment."
292
00:13:55,876 --> 00:13:58,879
"What's that? What's that? What could
that possibly be? What is that?"
293
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:02,841
So, "a lady in a movie moment"
is when something happens to you
294
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,969
that might happen to a lady in a movie.
295
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:08,222
So, for example,
296
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:11,684
if you, um... if you check the mail
with your little key...
297
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,644
Lady in a movie.
298
00:14:13,727 --> 00:14:14,895
[laughter]
299
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:19,733
If you hold a baguette...
If you're even near a baguette...
300
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,654
Lady in a movie.
301
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:28,200
And if you, say it with me,
run into your ex on the street,
302
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,536
that is full-blown, hundy p,
303
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:32,705
- lady in a...
- [audience] Lady in a movie.
304
00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:34,248
Thank you.
305
00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:35,416
Oh!
306
00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:37,001
It feels good to be at home.
307
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,714
So, I did recently, like a cartoon,
have a lady in a movie moment.
308
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:44,174
I ran into my ex on the street. [scoffs]
309
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:47,261
And he was wearing a suit.
310
00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:49,972
He looked incredible.
Which is, as we know, illegal.
311
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:52,016
And I was wearing...
312
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:54,828
What's it called when you, like,
don't shave your legs for three months
313
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:57,938
and then you shave 'em really quick
and there's blood everywhere?
314
00:14:58,022 --> 00:14:58,898
[audience laughs]
315
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:00,232
So, I was wearing that.
316
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:04,236
And we ran into each other,
and he's one of these people
317
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,530
who uses your name in a sentence.
318
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:07,865
It's like... Whoa. [chuckles]
319
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:12,536
If you use my name in a sentence,
you need to either fuck me or kill me.
320
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,122
There's no in-between.
321
00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:17,333
On this occasion,
he kind of chose to do neither,
322
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:19,168
which was, of course, a power move
323
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:22,504
and not at all related
to how he feels about me.
324
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:25,215
I'm sorry. I just choked
on my own human tongue.
325
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:29,011
Breakups are cool. Right?
326
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:30,094
I'm a guy's girl.
327
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:32,681
Breakups are cool.
328
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,435
Breakups are freaking sick.
329
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:38,938
Breakups are cool
330
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,941
because it's like you have
a best friend and then they die.
331
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,026
[audience laughs]
332
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,572
And then,
instead of going to their funeral,
333
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:51,033
you go and fuck
a long-haired guy named Randy
334
00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:54,161
in the back seat of a red Mazda
in the parking lot of a water park.
335
00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:55,829
And when you ask him to drive you home,
336
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,581
he goes, "I can't. I'm on shrooms."
337
00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:00,292
What stage of grief is that?
338
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,127
Which one? No. Okay, that's good.
339
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:03,796
Get back to me on that. I...
340
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,590
I learned a lot from my ex, though.
It's cool.
341
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:11,095
I never thought, and I'm sorry,
I get choked up when I talk about this.
342
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:12,972
But, I, um... [exhales]
343
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,473
Here I go again. He knows.
344
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:20,771
I never thought [sighs]
that I could love someone
345
00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:24,733
who can watch an entire movie
while sitting upright in a wooden chair.
346
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,949
But love works in mysterious ways.
347
00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:34,284
I mean, she really, really does.
348
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,454
My ex and I
lived together for three years.
349
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:40,624
And we actually kept living together
two months after we broke up.
350
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,794
Which is, of course, say it with me,
good for the environment.
351
00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:46,088
Oops, I just ran for office.
352
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:47,171
Oops, I just won.
353
00:16:47,214 --> 00:16:49,675
[audience laughs]
354
00:16:49,758 --> 00:16:52,261
Thankfully... [chuckles] Imagine.
355
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:54,555
[audience laughs]
356
00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:55,889
No, thank you.
357
00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:58,809
[vocalizing whooshing] Um...
358
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:04,148
Whenever... Whenever I think... I'm like,
"Who decides where the streets go?"
359
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:07,359
I think about that a lot.
360
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:10,320
And all I think is,
"I am so glad that's not my job."
361
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,534
So, thankfully, I live by myself now.
362
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,411
When I first moved into my own apartment,
363
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:21,248
I fully developed a,
say it with me, new personality.
364
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:23,667
I have a lot of new traits now.
365
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,670
I recently went
to a Chipotle at 10:45 a.m.
366
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:27,755
Doctor's orders.
367
00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:32,074
And when I walked in, I was like...
368
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,054
'Cause I'm cool.
When I walk into Chipotle...
369
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,431
Up here, I'm all... At Chipotle, I get it.
370
00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:38,432
I'm like...
371
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:39,767
[audience laughing]
372
00:17:41,518 --> 00:17:42,561
[smacks lips]
373
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:46,815
I walk into a Chipotle
and the guy working there...
374
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,901
Yes, a man. Important for the story.
375
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:50,861
He's like, "What do you want?"
376
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:54,656
And I'm like, "Okay.
He wants to have raw dog sex with me."
377
00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:02,664
No. I say, "Hello.
I would like a chicken burrito bowl."
378
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,501
"I know guac is extra
and I'll take the hottest sauce."
379
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:10,255
He goes, "[scoffs] You sure?"
380
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:13,424
[moans]
381
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,471
I was like, "Oh, my God."
382
00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:20,432
[in young girl voice] "Am I sure?"
383
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,144
Mmm...
384
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,272
"I don't know."
385
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,359
"I never thought about that before."
386
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:33,487
[smacks lips]
387
00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:36,657
"I don't think about
big boy questions like that."
388
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,869
"I'm just a little girly."
389
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,039
"I think about
little girly things like earrings."
390
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:47,626
"And shoes. I don't know
about big boy stuff like that."
391
00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:49,878
"I'm just a little baby with titties."
392
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,609
[in normal voice] Oh, I'm sorry.
I just completely blacked out.
393
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:55,676
Did I do something?
394
00:18:57,469 --> 00:18:59,179
Wait, did I say something annoying?
395
00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:04,309
I don't think we should kill all the men.
396
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:05,227
Hold for applause.
397
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:08,772
But I don't think men
should be allowed to make movies.
398
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:11,566
[audience member whoops]
399
00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:15,946
Superhero movies are so boring
I could melt into the Earth.
400
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,658
I don't care about movies
that are about, like,
401
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:21,742
sand...
402
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:26,790
or rope,
403
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:28,750
or space.
404
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:33,130
The only kind of movies I want to watch
are where a woman looks at herself
405
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:36,508
in her medicine cabinet mirror and says...
406
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,219
[in deep voice] "Hello, stranger."
407
00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:44,205
[in normal voice] That's kind of the genre
that works for me.
408
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,520
That being said, I do wanna be
the first person in a Marvel movie
409
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,230
who's never seen a Marvel movie.
410
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,983
So, DM me.
411
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:55,736
You know, it's sad.
412
00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:59,198
I do have a hard time
with men, but even I...
413
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:02,701
Even I can't resist.
414
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:05,245
Even I get a bit horny this...
415
00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:06,872
[audience whooping]
416
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:07,955
...time of year.
417
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:13,754
♪ Love is in the air tonight ♪
418
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:19,676
♪ Those summer lights
Are twinkling bright ♪
419
00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:26,391
♪ I'm sitting here
Sipping an iced coffee ♪
420
00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:32,564
♪ I won't feel bad for being
A little bit naughty ♪
421
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,024
[audience laughs]
422
00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:36,735
♪ I'll eat a cookie or two ♪
423
00:20:36,818 --> 00:20:38,570
♪ It's just that time of year ♪
424
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:41,949
♪ I'll stay out later than I should ♪
425
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:46,119
♪ Might have a glass of wine
On a school night ♪
426
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:49,289
♪ Baby, it's just that time of year ♪
427
00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:51,291
♪ I'll take the scenic route home ♪
428
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,001
♪ It's just that time of year ♪
429
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,878
♪ I'll dig a really deep hole ♪
430
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,755
♪ It's just that time of year ♪
431
00:20:56,838 --> 00:21:00,592
♪ I'll keep digging that hole
Till there's a very deep hole ♪
432
00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:03,387
♪ Baby, it's just that time of year ♪
433
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:04,304
[exclaims]
434
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:06,390
♪ When I drag you in the hole ♪
435
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:08,225
♪ Babe, you won't feel a thing ♪
436
00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:11,103
♪ I've knocked you out with a shovel ♪
437
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:15,315
♪ When you wake up in that hole
Wonderin' how you got so low ♪
438
00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:18,777
♪ Know it's 'cause you touched
My lower back at a party four years ago ♪
439
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:22,281
♪ And then you made
That joke about raping me ♪
440
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:31,164
♪ And when I see your friends
'Cause it's that time of year ♪
441
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:34,334
♪ When the boys'll close down the bar ♪
442
00:21:34,418 --> 00:21:36,461
♪ I'll let them know with my eyes ♪
443
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:38,505
♪ There will be no surprise ♪
444
00:21:38,588 --> 00:21:41,425
♪ If you touch me
I will destroy your life ♪
445
00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:47,556
♪ And when you slowly die ♪
446
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:51,268
♪ 'Cause it's that time of year ♪
447
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:55,939
♪ When the nights
They get, oh, so cold ♪
448
00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:57,274
Brr.
449
00:21:57,357 --> 00:22:00,444
♪ You'll wish you were safe at home ♪
450
00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:04,698
♪ Drinking with your bros ♪
451
00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:09,036
♪ But instead you're dying in a hole ♪
452
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:12,164
♪ 'Cause you treated me
Like I was your property ♪
453
00:22:12,247 --> 00:22:15,417
♪ And ever since then
You've been dead to me ♪
454
00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:19,921
♪ And the last thing you see
Will be my face ♪
455
00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:21,548
Good night.
456
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:23,759
- [audience applauding, cheering]
- Ooh.
457
00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:30,390
Okay. I feel so randomly safe
with y'all. So comfortable.
458
00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:31,767
Family, family, family.
459
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,269
I can reveal now,
at this point in the program...
460
00:22:34,352 --> 00:22:35,352
[laughs]
461
00:22:36,271 --> 00:22:39,775
In high school, my nickname was Critter.
462
00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:42,277
I think 'cause
I'm conventionally attractive and...
463
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:43,779
[audience laughs]
464
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:47,741
I didn't love it because Critter
was shortened to "Crit."
465
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,343
To me, that sounded a lot like "Clit."
466
00:22:49,367 --> 00:22:52,079
And I was like, "What's happening
with my one life?" But...
467
00:22:53,830 --> 00:22:55,624
Honestly, now, like,
468
00:22:56,333 --> 00:22:57,709
I am a lot like a clit.
469
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:00,962
I'm extremely sensitive,
470
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:02,964
I love to be touched,
471
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:06,510
and straight guys just don't know
what to do with me.
472
00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:09,346
Sometimes they want to fuck me,
473
00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:11,848
and sometimes they think
I'm like a fun aunt
474
00:23:11,932 --> 00:23:13,225
'cause my energy is like...
475
00:23:13,308 --> 00:23:14,434
[hums]
476
00:23:15,018 --> 00:23:17,479
And I'm always at restaurants
moaning along
477
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:20,816
when the waiter tells me the specials.
I'm always like, "Mmm, risotto."
478
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:26,029
Mmm. 'Cause it's always
a mushroom risotto. Fuck yes!
479
00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:28,448
- [audience] Whoo!
- Wow!
480
00:23:28,532 --> 00:23:32,369
That mushroom risotto joke
is an absolute banger.
481
00:23:32,452 --> 00:23:33,954
Um...
482
00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:36,164
Thank you so much. Have a great night. No.
483
00:23:36,873 --> 00:23:39,167
You wish. You sick fucks.
484
00:23:39,876 --> 00:23:41,878
But I got more to give.
485
00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:46,216
I actually was supposed to go to
my ten-year high school reunion recently.
486
00:23:46,299 --> 00:23:47,884
But I couldn't go because I was, um,
487
00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:50,804
jerking off on the floor of my apartment.
488
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:52,573
"Why the floor? Why the floor?
Why the floor?"
489
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:55,684
I was too lazy to close the window curtain
that looks into the bed.
490
00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:57,310
So, I was like, "Floor it is."
491
00:23:58,228 --> 00:23:59,771
And I think everyone here knows,
492
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:02,566
but I do actually have
a mirrored armoire in my bedroom.
493
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:04,192
If you don't know what an armoire is,
494
00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:06,611
now would be an awesome time
to leave the show.
495
00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:07,821
[audience laughs]
496
00:24:07,904 --> 00:24:09,030
Thank you.
497
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,449
Bye.
498
00:24:13,034 --> 00:24:14,369
So I'm jerking off on the floor.
499
00:24:14,452 --> 00:24:16,538
And the way I do it is
beached-whale style,
500
00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:19,499
which means I just lay on my hand
and [trills] away.
501
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:23,503
And when I looked up
into my mirrored armoire,
502
00:24:23,587 --> 00:24:26,173
I saw something I really
wouldn't wish on anyone.
503
00:24:27,674 --> 00:24:29,217
I saw... [chuckles]
504
00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:35,307
in its organic, hardy,
grass-fed, natural state...
505
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:37,559
my O face.
506
00:24:38,768 --> 00:24:42,689
Without the performance of sex,
the pressure of another,
507
00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:46,568
I saw what I looked like
when I cum, which is...
508
00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:52,449
[audience laughing]
509
00:25:00,123 --> 00:25:02,792
So, when I cum,
this is actually my O face.
510
00:25:07,839 --> 00:25:09,257
I don't want to be like this.
511
00:25:10,133 --> 00:25:14,054
By the way, if my face was symmetrical,
I would not be up here doing this shit.
512
00:25:14,721 --> 00:25:16,765
Goes without saying,
I don't want to be this way.
513
00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:19,351
I want to be the kind of girl
who just wears jeans.
514
00:25:21,228 --> 00:25:24,022
I wish I could do...
You know when people do that?
515
00:25:24,105 --> 00:25:26,107
I can't jump even a little.
516
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:29,152
This is literally me
jumping as high as I can.
517
00:25:32,572 --> 00:25:35,200
I wish I could be
the kind of girl who's like...
518
00:25:35,283 --> 00:25:37,369
Sometimes people's legs go up.
519
00:25:38,161 --> 00:25:41,623
I want to be the kind of girl
who just doesn't like the taste of beer.
520
00:25:42,165 --> 00:25:44,793
The kind of girl who can save
half a sandwich for later.
521
00:25:46,169 --> 00:25:48,964
The kind of girl
who can go into a coffee shop
522
00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:51,258
and just stare at sheet music.
523
00:25:53,343 --> 00:25:54,427
[sighs]
524
00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:57,264
Just clutch it
and stare at it and be like,
525
00:25:58,056 --> 00:25:59,099
"I get this."
526
00:25:59,182 --> 00:26:00,433
[audience laughs]
527
00:26:01,601 --> 00:26:05,563
I want to be the kind of woman
who's out to lunch with friends,
528
00:26:05,647 --> 00:26:08,108
she's draped in silks,
draped in silks, draped in silks.
529
00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:12,070
The restaurant, of course,
white tablecloth, white tablecloth.
530
00:26:12,904 --> 00:26:15,991
And she starts to laugh because
she remembers something funny,
531
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:17,575
a memory maybe.
532
00:26:19,494 --> 00:26:21,830
But before she does, she stops herself.
533
00:26:22,622 --> 00:26:23,456
She says...
534
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:26,626
[laughing]
535
00:26:26,710 --> 00:26:28,128
"I was in love once."
536
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:32,048
So that's the kind of girl I want to be.
537
00:26:33,758 --> 00:26:36,303
- But I have career goals too.
- [woman] Whoo!
538
00:26:36,386 --> 00:26:37,929
Girl boss.
539
00:26:38,013 --> 00:26:40,223
Um, I really, really... And this is serious.
540
00:26:40,307 --> 00:26:43,518
This is off the record.
I really want to wear a bonnet on screen.
541
00:26:44,269 --> 00:26:45,854
Does anyone have one?
542
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:49,107
I have such a face for hats.
543
00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:52,110
I have the world's roundest face.
Thank you.
544
00:26:52,193 --> 00:26:53,820
No. Don't all stand up at once.
545
00:26:53,903 --> 00:26:55,989
I really want to wear a bonnet
on screen. Um...
546
00:26:56,072 --> 00:26:58,658
And then my second career goal is
I want to be in a film
547
00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:00,660
where I'm going on a first date,
548
00:27:00,744 --> 00:27:03,204
and as I'm kissing my suitor goodnight,
549
00:27:03,288 --> 00:27:05,582
I close the door shut to my apartment,
550
00:27:05,665 --> 00:27:07,917
and then I turn around and I just...
551
00:27:11,338 --> 00:27:15,133
Yes. I slide against that door.
552
00:27:16,593 --> 00:27:20,430
I hooked up with a guy I met
on a first date once 'cause I'm a slut.
553
00:27:20,513 --> 00:27:21,681
Take back the word.
554
00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:27,520
And mid-moment, he was like,
"Oh, yeah. I love that fat, fat ass."
555
00:27:27,604 --> 00:27:28,730
And I was like...
556
00:27:31,191 --> 00:27:33,193
"Maybe one fat was enough."
557
00:27:33,276 --> 00:27:35,028
[audience laughs]
558
00:27:35,111 --> 00:27:38,907
I do. I do. I... I know.
559
00:27:38,990 --> 00:27:41,868
I gravely want to be thin
because of society.
560
00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:43,620
[playing piano]
561
00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:49,000
Because thin privilege is real.
562
00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:52,170
If you're thin...
This is my ideal body type.
563
00:27:54,130 --> 00:27:58,218
If you're thin, you can be famous
for smoking a cigarette and looking sad.
564
00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:04,015
If you're fat and there's a photo of you
smoking a cigarette and looking sad,
565
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:06,184
it's a campaign for something.
566
00:28:07,018 --> 00:28:09,479
It's some D.A.R.E. shit.
You know what I mean?
567
00:28:09,604 --> 00:28:10,980
[chuckles]
568
00:28:11,064 --> 00:28:12,857
But mostly I want to be thin so I can wear
569
00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:14,818
whatever clothes I want, whenever I want.
570
00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:19,364
Because, as we all know,
women's clothing sizes are totally fucked.
571
00:28:19,447 --> 00:28:21,074
And that's what this song's about.
572
00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:25,036
♪ Don't understand
Why y'all won't make bigger clothes ♪
573
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:29,040
♪ I want the styles that you're making
A size zero ♪
574
00:28:29,124 --> 00:28:32,836
♪ Don't understand why
Y'all won't just listen to me ♪
575
00:28:32,919 --> 00:28:37,382
♪ You dumbass bitch
I am just trying to give you my money ♪
576
00:28:37,465 --> 00:28:41,469
♪ Take my money, take, take my money
Make it easy on me ♪
577
00:28:41,553 --> 00:28:45,765
♪ Take my money, take, take my money
Just make a size 14, okay ♪
578
00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:49,686
♪ Take my money, take, take my money
A lot of fat people have money ♪
579
00:28:49,769 --> 00:28:52,355
♪ So, take my money, please ♪
580
00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:57,110
♪ Can't figure out how many hours
I have logged ♪
581
00:28:57,193 --> 00:29:01,448
♪ Sobbing in dressing rooms
And fighting with my mom ♪
582
00:29:01,531 --> 00:29:05,201
♪ I don't have time to grab
Thirteen pairs of jeans ♪
583
00:29:05,285 --> 00:29:07,162
♪ Jeans are a myth
They are a fraud ♪
584
00:29:07,245 --> 00:29:09,122
♪ They are not relaxing ♪
585
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:13,042
♪ Tell me, have you ever felt at ease
In a pair of jeans? ♪
586
00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:16,880
♪ They are so stiff
They're an invention of the patriarchy ♪
587
00:29:16,963 --> 00:29:21,009
♪ I know in the '50s it was empowering
To be like, "We're wearing men's pants" ♪
588
00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:24,679
♪ But now they make women's jeans so tight
I can't sit upright ♪
589
00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:27,307
♪ Don't get me started
On boyfriend jeans ♪
590
00:29:27,390 --> 00:29:32,896
♪ I've never been
Thinner than any man that I have dated ♪
591
00:29:32,979 --> 00:29:36,357
♪ I like a skeleton man
It must be a subconscious thing ♪
592
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:40,612
♪ Like if I fuck this skinny guy
I won't have a chubby daughter ♪
593
00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:44,824
♪ That I'll have to fight with
In the dressing room ♪
594
00:29:44,908 --> 00:29:48,661
♪ Shout out to Urban Outfitters
I mostly cry at Urban Outfitters ♪
595
00:29:48,745 --> 00:29:52,332
♪ Why do they make
All their clothes so tiny? ♪
596
00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:54,626
♪ I love their stuff ♪
597
00:29:54,709 --> 00:29:56,669
♪ I really, really love their stuff ♪
598
00:29:56,753 --> 00:30:00,715
♪ And I wish they would make it bigger
Now make it bigger so I could wear it ♪
599
00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:04,177
♪ Take my money, take, take my money
Make it easy on me ♪
600
00:30:04,260 --> 00:30:08,181
♪ Take my money, take, take my money
Just make a size 14, okay ♪
601
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:10,225
♪ Take my money, take, take my money ♪
602
00:30:10,308 --> 00:30:11,518
[scatting] ♪ Money ♪
603
00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:14,562
♪ So take my money please ♪
604
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:15,855
Bridge!
605
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,318
♪ Tell me, have you ever seen
An old painting? ♪
606
00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:24,280
♪ The skinny girl's milking a cow
The fat girl is just laying ♪
607
00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:28,284
♪ Because, before, the richer the person
The bigger they are ♪
608
00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:32,330
♪ But even today, don't you know
Fat people still have credit cards ♪
609
00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:35,250
♪ Take my money, make it easy on me ♪
610
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:38,086
♪ Take my money, take my money
Make a size 14 ♪
611
00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:39,212
Mosh pit me.
612
00:30:39,295 --> 00:30:40,171
♪ Take my money, take ♪
613
00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:41,089
Mosh me.
614
00:30:41,172 --> 00:30:42,173
♪ Take my money ♪
615
00:30:42,257 --> 00:30:43,091
Mosh me.
616
00:30:43,174 --> 00:30:44,676
♪ Take my money please ♪
617
00:30:44,759 --> 00:30:46,302
Mosh pit me.
618
00:30:46,386 --> 00:30:52,016
♪ Because when I was younger
I was traumatized trying to find jeans ♪
619
00:30:52,100 --> 00:30:53,309
♪ That were the right size ♪
620
00:30:53,393 --> 00:30:57,188
♪ If they fit around my waist
They were way too long ♪
621
00:30:57,272 --> 00:31:01,776
♪ I'd have to call my mom
Have her bring me along to the tailor ♪
622
00:31:01,860 --> 00:31:04,529
♪ I'd say cut 'em off
Make 'em short enough for me ♪
623
00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:07,615
♪ She'd go, "No, no, no. Just roll 'em up
What if you grow?" ♪
624
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:11,536
♪ I'd say, "I don't want to know
What happens if I grow" ♪
625
00:31:11,619 --> 00:31:14,956
♪ 'Cause if I wear my jeans like that
All the girls at school will go ♪
626
00:31:15,039 --> 00:31:18,167
♪ "Why are your jeans rolled up
You fat, fucking stupid bitch?" ♪
627
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:21,588
They won't say that,
but they'll mean that.
628
00:31:21,671 --> 00:31:22,922
You know what I mean?
629
00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:26,384
♪ And now whenever I see
A little girl on the street ♪
630
00:31:26,467 --> 00:31:27,635
♪ I want to cry ♪
631
00:31:27,719 --> 00:31:32,223
♪ I'm like, "Oh, my God
You have no idea how bad it gets" ♪
632
00:31:32,307 --> 00:31:34,100
♪ So, I put that shit out of my head ♪
633
00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:37,896
♪ But sometimes I'll be walking
On the street in New York City ♪
634
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:41,357
I'll see a person. I'll say,
"Oh, my God. Is that person okay?"
635
00:31:41,441 --> 00:31:42,775
"Is that person okay?"
636
00:31:42,859 --> 00:31:45,987
"That person's so small."
637
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,865
My friend will turn to me and say,
"That's a kid. That's all."
638
00:31:48,948 --> 00:31:51,784
"That's a kid. A lot of people have them."
639
00:31:51,868 --> 00:31:54,287
And if you thought about something
other than yourself
640
00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:56,706
♪ For five fucking seconds
Maybe you'd know that ♪
641
00:31:56,789 --> 00:31:59,709
♪ That you could
Have a whole entire life ♪
642
00:31:59,792 --> 00:32:03,546
♪ If you just stopped
Constantly thinking about your size ♪
643
00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:07,258
♪ But I said, "Society made me this way
And I'll never change" ♪
644
00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:08,343
♪ 'Cause I'm tired ♪
645
00:32:08,426 --> 00:32:10,637
♪ Society made me this way
And I don't want to change ♪
646
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:14,349
♪ 'Cause it's hard to change
That's what I've learned ♪
647
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:18,186
♪ So I'll blame my problems
On someone else ♪
648
00:32:18,269 --> 00:32:21,981
♪ Which is cool and healthy
And really good to do ♪
649
00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:25,360
♪ So take my money, won't you? ♪
650
00:32:26,402 --> 00:32:28,404
[applause and cheering]
651
00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:33,242
[Catherine laughs]
652
00:32:33,326 --> 00:32:35,536
Whenever I tell people
I want to lose weight,
653
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:38,581
they're like, "You should go to the gym."
I'm like, "I know."
654
00:32:39,666 --> 00:32:41,167
For sure. [chuckles]
655
00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:44,837
But whenever I go to the gym
and I see people with abs,
656
00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:47,298
it's like, "Why are you still here?"
657
00:32:49,467 --> 00:32:50,802
"You did it."
658
00:32:52,053 --> 00:32:55,264
Like, "Get a hobby... for once."
659
00:32:56,724 --> 00:32:57,809
I don't know.
660
00:32:57,892 --> 00:33:00,478
I just... I know working out
is good for mental health.
661
00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:03,481
I do suffer from depression,
or as I like to call it,
662
00:33:03,564 --> 00:33:06,985
"Crying because
outside smells like the past."
663
00:33:07,068 --> 00:33:10,029
I love nostalgia. It hurts and feels bad.
664
00:33:10,113 --> 00:33:11,113
Boop.
665
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:13,449
But when I go to the gym,
666
00:33:13,533 --> 00:33:15,618
I just cannot connect with those people.
667
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:19,831
If you're someone who uses
and cleans a blender every day,
668
00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:23,042
it's like, "What's really going on?"
669
00:33:23,126 --> 00:33:24,752
[audience laughs]
670
00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:25,878
What's going on?
671
00:33:25,962 --> 00:33:26,963
[playing piano]
672
00:33:27,046 --> 00:33:29,173
If you're someone who signs up for, like,
673
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:32,510
"mud fuck run."
674
00:33:33,761 --> 00:33:35,930
Or it's like, "We run for a month."
675
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:39,225
"And you never come home."
It's like, "What is that?"
676
00:33:39,308 --> 00:33:41,436
I just worry about you.
677
00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:46,232
And so... I'm gonna sing this song for you.
678
00:33:47,859 --> 00:33:50,361
♪ I see you on the West Side Highway ♪
679
00:33:50,445 --> 00:33:51,654
♪ In your Lululemons ♪
680
00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:55,783
♪ It's harrowing
That you were born in 1997 ♪
681
00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:59,704
♪ It seems to me like
You really have it all going on ♪
682
00:33:59,787 --> 00:34:03,499
♪ So why'd you post on Facebook
That you're running a marathon? ♪
683
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:09,213
♪ Why do you think we all want to know? ♪
684
00:34:09,297 --> 00:34:10,297
Oh.
685
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:14,302
♪ What are you running from?
What are you running from? ♪
686
00:34:14,886 --> 00:34:16,721
♪ What are you running from? ♪
687
00:34:16,804 --> 00:34:19,599
♪ Running a marathon
Is clinically insane ♪
688
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:21,368
♪ What are you running from? ♪
[smacks lips]
689
00:34:21,392 --> 00:34:23,394
♪ What are you running from? ♪
690
00:34:23,478 --> 00:34:27,148
♪ Have you tried just telling your friend
That you're sad instead? ♪
691
00:34:27,231 --> 00:34:30,693
♪ I like a gentle jog too, yeah
It helps to shake things loose ♪
692
00:34:30,777 --> 00:34:34,906
♪ When I jog I feel like I could
Almost shit like I'm a normal girl ♪
693
00:34:34,989 --> 00:34:38,826
♪ But when you tell me
That you're running 26.2 ♪
694
00:34:38,910 --> 00:34:42,163
♪ It makes me think that you're burying
Years of inherited trauma ♪
695
00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:47,668
♪ Why do you think we all want to know? ♪
696
00:34:47,752 --> 00:34:48,753
♪ Oh ♪
697
00:34:49,337 --> 00:34:53,007
♪ What are you running from?
What are you running from? ♪
698
00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:54,759
♪ What are you running from? ♪
699
00:34:54,842 --> 00:34:57,512
♪ Running a marathon
Is clinically insane ♪
700
00:34:57,595 --> 00:34:59,388
♪ What are you running from, seriously? ♪
701
00:34:59,472 --> 00:35:01,224
♪ What are you running from? ♪
702
00:35:01,307 --> 00:35:04,936
♪ Have you tried just breaking up
With that finance guy instead? ♪
703
00:35:05,019 --> 00:35:07,063
♪ I like a finance dude, too, yes ♪
704
00:35:07,146 --> 00:35:08,606
♪ Slept with one or two, too ♪
705
00:35:08,689 --> 00:35:12,777
♪ One time I fucked one who had a jersey
With his own name on it on his wall ♪
706
00:35:12,860 --> 00:35:15,530
♪ And when I turned around
He took the condom off ♪
707
00:35:15,613 --> 00:35:18,199
♪ And when I turned back around
I was like, "Wait, what?" ♪
708
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:19,992
♪ And he was like, "Wait, what?" ♪
709
00:35:20,076 --> 00:35:21,744
♪ And I was like, "I saw what you did" ♪
710
00:35:21,828 --> 00:35:23,579
♪ And then he called me a bitch ♪
711
00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:25,957
♪ I was like, "I need money
for the morning after pill" ♪
712
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:28,042
♪ And he threw forty dollars cash at me ♪
713
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:33,881
♪ And that was actually the first weekend
I ever lived in New York City ♪
714
00:35:33,965 --> 00:35:38,678
♪ What are you running...
What are you running from? ♪
715
00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:43,724
♪ Running a marathon is clinically insane
What could you be running from? ♪
716
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:45,810
♪ What could you
Possibly be running from? ♪
717
00:35:45,893 --> 00:35:48,062
♪ Have you tried
Just going for a little walk? ♪
718
00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:50,481
♪ Or eating one of the little
Boozy milkshakes? ♪
719
00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:54,986
♪ Double the fun
Why don't you go to one of those places ♪
720
00:35:55,069 --> 00:35:58,364
♪ Where they scrape Parmesan cheese
Out of the big wheel? ♪
721
00:35:59,282 --> 00:36:03,494
♪ Put that online, baby
Oh, yeah, fill the void ♪
722
00:36:05,329 --> 00:36:07,331
[cheering and applause]
723
00:36:14,589 --> 00:36:16,591
At this point in the show,
I know you're thinking,
724
00:36:16,674 --> 00:36:19,218
"Okay. So, she's beautiful and talented."
725
00:36:19,302 --> 00:36:21,804
"There's no way that
there's anything up here."
726
00:36:21,888 --> 00:36:26,142
But I'm actually
a brilliant poet and writer.
727
00:36:26,225 --> 00:36:29,145
And so I'm gonna share some of my poetry.
728
00:36:29,228 --> 00:36:32,398
Uh, could you give us a little mood music?
I think that would be good.
729
00:36:32,481 --> 00:36:35,651
- [plays piano]
- Oh, my God. Wow.
730
00:36:35,735 --> 00:36:36,736
[audience laughs]
731
00:36:36,819 --> 00:36:37,862
Takes me back.
732
00:36:41,282 --> 00:36:42,366
[laughs]
733
00:36:45,953 --> 00:36:49,248
Sorry. I just thought of something,
but it's for a different show.
734
00:36:49,332 --> 00:36:50,833
[audience laughs]
735
00:36:51,626 --> 00:36:52,752
Hmm.
736
00:36:53,794 --> 00:36:54,629
[sighs]
737
00:36:54,712 --> 00:36:57,173
"A poem I wrote last night
when I couldn't go to sleep,
738
00:36:57,256 --> 00:37:01,260
because there are no sheets on my bed
because I perioded on my other sheets
739
00:37:01,344 --> 00:37:03,596
and cannot be bothered
to put new ones on."
740
00:37:04,805 --> 00:37:06,557
"I'm sorry I didn't text you back
741
00:37:06,641 --> 00:37:10,853
about borrowing my adult sized tutu
for your sketch comedy show."
742
00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:14,398
"I was on the L train trying to recall how
I knew the guy sitting across from me."
743
00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:17,360
"Turns out it was from sex.
Thank you so much."
744
00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:18,945
So this next poem...
745
00:37:19,028 --> 00:37:20,947
[audience laughs]
746
00:37:21,030 --> 00:37:22,031
This is called
747
00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:26,202
"Poem I wrote after my therapist got mad
at me for thinking everyone's mad at me."
748
00:37:27,662 --> 00:37:30,581
"I just found out 'dog'
isn't short for something."
749
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:33,501
"It's actually just called a dog,
which is fine with me."
750
00:37:34,543 --> 00:37:37,046
"I'm in the kitchen, alone.
Which is romantic in a way."
751
00:37:37,129 --> 00:37:39,548
"Anything can be romantic
if you sigh a lot."
752
00:37:39,632 --> 00:37:42,969
"One time, I told this guy I loved him."
He said, "I don't know what love is."
753
00:37:43,052 --> 00:37:45,388
"Anyway, he just got engaged." Thank you.
754
00:37:45,471 --> 00:37:47,014
[audience laughs]
755
00:37:47,932 --> 00:37:52,061
"Poem I wrote after I masturbated
while wearing AirPods."
756
00:37:52,144 --> 00:37:54,480
It could happen to you, so be vigilant.
757
00:37:56,691 --> 00:38:00,236
"Sometimes, being an adult
means washing your hair."
758
00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:03,656
"Sometimes, the only way to know
if a guy is definitely straight
759
00:38:03,739 --> 00:38:05,616
is if he Instagrams a building."
760
00:38:08,077 --> 00:38:12,081
"Sometimes I feel like if I look at
my phone, I will die or worse, not die."
761
00:38:12,164 --> 00:38:14,709
"It's insane
when you ask someone to give you space
762
00:38:14,792 --> 00:38:15,835
and then they do."
763
00:38:16,877 --> 00:38:18,296
Thank you.
764
00:38:19,213 --> 00:38:21,090
This next poem is called
765
00:38:21,173 --> 00:38:24,677
"A poem I wrote after you told me
your ex is 'actually really cool.'"
766
00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:28,931
"A guy on the street said I looked like
767
00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:31,976
I was studying audio engineering
in school."
768
00:38:32,059 --> 00:38:34,895
[audience laughs]
769
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:39,734
"He told me he liked my outfit.
He told me to have a 'cool day.'"
770
00:38:39,817 --> 00:38:42,069
"I'm googling how long a stroke lasts."
771
00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:46,824
Thank you.
772
00:38:46,907 --> 00:38:50,244
"Poem I wrote after you went down on me
and then called me 'dude.'"
773
00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:51,746
[audience laughs]
774
00:38:55,124 --> 00:38:57,960
"I have a disease where I never
want to get out of the Uber."
775
00:38:58,044 --> 00:39:00,212
"Because then it means
I have to be somewhere."
776
00:39:00,296 --> 00:39:03,007
"For years I've been suffering
from a serious addiction
777
00:39:03,090 --> 00:39:05,718
to Adam Driver
and Jason Schwartzman, even."
778
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:08,262
"Maybe my crush hasn't texted
because I'm out of town."
779
00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:11,265
"But then again, I never told him
I was going out of town."
780
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:12,600
[audience laughs]
781
00:39:13,559 --> 00:39:16,729
"I'm always horny and looking for
somewhere to charge my phone."
782
00:39:17,646 --> 00:39:21,400
"The Paris Review came in the mail today
and I performed reading it."
783
00:39:22,193 --> 00:39:24,236
"I can't write if no one is watching."
784
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,822
"I can't stop checking my pussy
for weird bumps."
785
00:39:26,906 --> 00:39:30,076
"One time I went to the doctor and when
she told me I gained fifteen pounds,
786
00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:33,162
I was like, 'That's a lot.'
And she was just like, 'Yeah.'"
787
00:39:34,663 --> 00:39:35,998
Thank you.
788
00:39:36,082 --> 00:39:38,084
[applause and cheering]
789
00:39:43,964 --> 00:39:47,426
I love sex because it famously
has no consequences.
790
00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:49,512
[audience laughs]
791
00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:53,933
I was recently at the Newark Airport.
Brag.
792
00:39:55,559 --> 00:39:58,938
And I saw a headline on a magazine.
Vintage.
793
00:40:00,189 --> 00:40:04,068
And it read, "Couple fucks themselves
off side of cliff."
794
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:06,445
Where were you?
795
00:40:08,114 --> 00:40:09,365
When you found out?
796
00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:11,784
How you were going to die?
797
00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:15,246
Because for me, I was like,
"Oh, that's an option."
798
00:40:15,329 --> 00:40:16,747
[audience laughs]
799
00:40:18,207 --> 00:40:19,333
I love fuck.
800
00:40:20,668 --> 00:40:23,546
I have some sexual fantasies
I want to share with you all.
801
00:40:23,629 --> 00:40:27,007
My first sexual fantasy is that
I'm in a mahogany room.
802
00:40:27,091 --> 00:40:29,969
Built-in bookcases. Built-in bookcases.
Built-in bookcases.
803
00:40:30,052 --> 00:40:32,304
And I'm sitting in
a velvet wingback chair.
804
00:40:32,388 --> 00:40:35,808
And I put my ring finger to my temple
and I just say, "Ugh.
805
00:40:36,892 --> 00:40:38,769
I worry. I do."
806
00:40:38,853 --> 00:40:40,354
[audience laughs]
807
00:40:42,064 --> 00:40:43,691
And then my other sexual fantasy
808
00:40:44,650 --> 00:40:47,069
is that he makes me cum, damn it.
809
00:40:47,653 --> 00:40:51,490
Am I right, ladies? Is that a lot to ask?
Honey, I'm looking for a guy tall enough
810
00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:54,076
that I don't have to get on my knees
when I want to blow him.
811
00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:56,704
That's right. I want to stand up,
dick should be here.
812
00:40:56,787 --> 00:40:58,247
[audience laughs]
813
00:40:58,330 --> 00:41:00,958
I hooked up with...
814
00:41:01,083 --> 00:41:02,543
[chuckles]
815
00:41:02,626 --> 00:41:07,381
I hooked up with this guy I met at a bar
because I'm brave, and he was like,
816
00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:11,635
"I actually biked to this bar.
I can bike us back to my place."
817
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:13,596
"You can ride on my pegs."
818
00:41:13,679 --> 00:41:15,759
And I was like,
[in British accent] "Absolutely not."
819
00:41:16,265 --> 00:41:18,100
- [smacks lips]
- [audience laughs]
820
00:41:18,184 --> 00:41:21,228
[in normal voice] He was like,
"No. it's okay. It can hold 120 pounds."
821
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:25,733
And I was like, "Okay, you don't know
what math is. You are my type."
822
00:41:25,816 --> 00:41:27,526
[audience laughs]
823
00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:30,362
I just feel like it's like
every chubby girl's nightmare
824
00:41:30,446 --> 00:41:32,823
to be carried in a playful way.
825
00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:37,077
Like, I'm pretty sure when I was born,
the nurse, like, picked me up
826
00:41:37,161 --> 00:41:40,873
and handed me to my mom, and I was like,
"It's okay. You can put me down."
827
00:41:40,956 --> 00:41:42,333
[audience laughs]
828
00:41:43,709 --> 00:41:44,793
It's sad.
829
00:41:45,878 --> 00:41:50,007
After I slept with him, I woke up with a,
say it with me, bump on my pussy.
830
00:41:50,090 --> 00:41:52,551
Just lucky, I guess. Foot pop, j'adore.
831
00:41:53,469 --> 00:41:56,847
And I was like, "Great. I need to
reach out to my gynecologist about this."
832
00:41:56,931 --> 00:42:00,309
So, I had to access her through,
say it with me, The Portal.
833
00:42:00,392 --> 00:42:01,894
[audience laughs]
834
00:42:01,977 --> 00:42:02,811
I'm s...
835
00:42:02,895 --> 00:42:06,565
Why are doctors
absolutely, clinically addicted
836
00:42:06,649 --> 00:42:09,026
to making you enter through a portal?
It's like...
837
00:42:09,109 --> 00:42:10,569
"I'm here."
838
00:42:11,570 --> 00:42:14,823
It's like, "Can I just get an email or..."
They want you to be like...
839
00:42:14,907 --> 00:42:16,075
[audience laughs]
840
00:42:16,158 --> 00:42:20,496
They want you to be full Narnia vibes
to talk to them about your broken pussy.
841
00:42:20,579 --> 00:42:23,332
A portal? Oh, my God. What year is it?
842
00:42:24,124 --> 00:42:25,834
Okay. I don't... I hate sci-fi.
843
00:42:26,835 --> 00:42:29,004
There's enough...
There's enough stuff here...
844
00:42:30,464 --> 00:42:32,633
that's really interesting.
845
00:42:32,716 --> 00:42:36,387
We don't have to... We don't have to...
I don't need anything with wings.
846
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,139
Bitch, I have 'em.
847
00:42:40,432 --> 00:42:42,601
Oh, my God. So, I was like,
848
00:42:42,685 --> 00:42:45,729
"I need to take a picture of this
to send to my gynecologist."
849
00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:47,398
So, I went into my studio,
850
00:42:47,481 --> 00:42:51,193
which is obviously an empty room
with a full-size mattress on the floor.
851
00:42:51,277 --> 00:42:52,945
And I took out my camera,
852
00:42:53,028 --> 00:42:55,155
which is obviously
an iPhone rose gold Plus
853
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:57,366
with a cracked screen, 'cause I'm fun.
854
00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:03,080
Spread my lips and I took an image.
855
00:43:05,666 --> 00:43:07,293
I wish that were the end of the story.
856
00:43:09,753 --> 00:43:11,005
I'm going to do a lap.
857
00:43:12,131 --> 00:43:14,466
When I looked at that image, um...
858
00:43:15,175 --> 00:43:16,552
Are you okay to hear this?
859
00:43:17,845 --> 00:43:18,679
Ally.
860
00:43:18,762 --> 00:43:20,514
[audience laughs]
861
00:43:20,598 --> 00:43:24,393
Feminist ally. When I looked at the image,
862
00:43:24,476 --> 00:43:27,187
it was one of the most
harrowing things I've ever seen.
863
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:32,568
One, I used flash. Rookie mistake.
864
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:36,822
Two, I didn't understand
the reach of my camera.
865
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:38,991
So, when I looked at the picture,
866
00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:42,661
I didn't only see my spread pussy lips,
which I expected.
867
00:43:42,745 --> 00:43:47,875
But, in the background, I saw what can
only be described as my dead-eyed face.
868
00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:49,918
[audience laughs]
869
00:43:52,296 --> 00:43:54,465
No expression.
Just a corpse's head, really.
870
00:43:54,548 --> 00:43:56,508
So, I had to crop that out
for legal reasons.
871
00:43:56,592 --> 00:43:57,736
And when I sent it to my gyne,
872
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,762
she was like,
"There's nothing wrong with you."
873
00:43:59,845 --> 00:44:02,348
I know there's a long history
of doctors not believing women,
874
00:44:02,431 --> 00:44:05,017
but in my case,
doctors shouldn't believe me because
875
00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:07,519
I'm what many medical professionals
have called
876
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,064
a dumbass bitch. Thank you to my fans.
877
00:44:10,147 --> 00:44:11,649
[audience laughs]
878
00:44:12,232 --> 00:44:13,984
But it was stressful. Oh, my God.
879
00:44:14,068 --> 00:44:16,445
And the thing about stress
880
00:44:16,528 --> 00:44:19,156
is that when you're stressed
in New York City,
881
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:20,991
there's only one place to go.
882
00:44:21,533 --> 00:44:23,160
[playing piano]
883
00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:45,057
♪ Upstate, Upstate
Maybe everything will change ♪
884
00:44:46,016 --> 00:44:49,895
♪ Upstate, Upstate
If I go for two days ♪
885
00:44:49,978 --> 00:44:51,563
[audience laughs]
886
00:44:53,315 --> 00:44:59,113
♪ Upstate, Upstate
Think of the Instagrams I'll take ♪
887
00:44:59,196 --> 00:45:04,159
♪ Think of the four pages
Of a novel I'll read ♪
888
00:45:04,952 --> 00:45:10,791
♪ Think of all the trees ♪
889
00:45:12,167 --> 00:45:13,877
Oh!
890
00:45:13,961 --> 00:45:15,963
Ooh, look at all the trees,
I'm worldbuilding.
891
00:45:16,630 --> 00:45:17,840
Look at all those trees.
892
00:45:18,465 --> 00:45:19,299
Wow.
893
00:45:19,383 --> 00:45:22,428
♪ I do think trees are medicinal ♪
894
00:45:22,511 --> 00:45:26,807
♪ The Japanese have this principle
Called a "forest bath" ♪
895
00:45:26,890 --> 00:45:28,475
♪ The idea being that ♪
896
00:45:28,559 --> 00:45:30,853
♪ You're cleansed
By walking through nature ♪
897
00:45:30,936 --> 00:45:34,106
♪ But instead I live in New York City ♪
898
00:45:34,189 --> 00:45:37,818
♪ Which is an amusement park from hell ♪
899
00:45:37,901 --> 00:45:42,114
♪ If you're an adult who likes Disney
Well... ♪
900
00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:45,742
[mutters] ♪ Get help ♪
901
00:45:46,243 --> 00:45:48,745
♪ Oh ♪ [chuckles]
902
00:45:48,829 --> 00:45:53,292
♪ Baby, please, ooh
It's just not my thing ♪
903
00:45:53,375 --> 00:45:55,794
♪ Sorry, it's fucking creepy
Ha-ha ♪
904
00:45:55,878 --> 00:45:58,464
♪ Upstate, Upstate, ooh ♪
905
00:45:58,547 --> 00:46:01,758
♪ I can draft tweets by a lake ♪
906
00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:04,428
♪ Sipping coffee a bit farther ♪
907
00:46:04,511 --> 00:46:07,639
♪ From where I normally sip coffee ♪
908
00:46:07,723 --> 00:46:11,518
♪ This is how you make
Your problems disappear ♪
909
00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:15,856
♪ Ask anyone, the best way
To make your problems go away ♪
910
00:46:15,939 --> 00:46:18,942
♪ Is to go just three miles away
From where you normally are ♪
911
00:46:19,026 --> 00:46:20,903
♪ It always works
I fucking love it ♪
912
00:46:20,986 --> 00:46:23,280
♪ Upstate, Upstate, ooh ♪
913
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:26,617
♪ There's a diner
Where you can eat a egg ♪
914
00:46:26,700 --> 00:46:29,995
♪ Look outside the window
At the changing of the seasons ♪
915
00:46:30,078 --> 00:46:33,582
♪ So, fuck, why am I crying for no reason
Fuck ♪
916
00:46:33,665 --> 00:46:35,626
♪ Apples ♪
917
00:46:35,709 --> 00:46:38,086
♪ Have you heard about apples? ♪
918
00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:42,633
♪ I'm going apple-picking
With thirteen of my closest friends ♪
919
00:46:42,716 --> 00:46:46,094
♪ And six of their sexual partners ♪
920
00:46:46,178 --> 00:46:50,849
♪ Apples
Well, maybe if I touch an apple ♪
921
00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:57,064
♪ All my problems will fade
And fall like autumnal foliage ♪
922
00:46:57,731 --> 00:47:00,984
♪ You know, one time in college ♪
923
00:47:01,693 --> 00:47:04,530
♪ I went apple-picking with a boyfriend ♪
924
00:47:04,613 --> 00:47:05,906
He was so tall.
925
00:47:05,989 --> 00:47:09,159
♪ He recently told me not to contact him ♪
926
00:47:09,243 --> 00:47:13,247
♪ He has a new girlfriend now
She wears high heels ♪
927
00:47:13,330 --> 00:47:16,959
♪ And takes pictures of tortellini ♪
928
00:47:17,042 --> 00:47:19,419
♪ I respect her, I laud her ♪
929
00:47:19,503 --> 00:47:22,297
♪ I respect her
She has good taste in men ♪
930
00:47:22,381 --> 00:47:23,799
♪ Did I mention he was tall? ♪
931
00:47:23,882 --> 00:47:25,133
Help. Help. Spin. Fuck!
932
00:47:26,301 --> 00:47:28,512
♪ Instead of Upstate, I think ♪
933
00:47:28,595 --> 00:47:33,517
♪ What I really need is to live in a box
Where I can't touch my cell phone ♪
934
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,395
♪ Unless I stick my hand
Through a trapdoor ♪
935
00:47:36,478 --> 00:47:37,854
♪ That buzzes when I touch it ♪
936
00:47:37,938 --> 00:47:39,648
♪ Fuck, I'll develop, yes ♪
937
00:47:39,731 --> 00:47:43,110
♪ A Pavlovian response
To touching my cell phone ♪
938
00:47:43,193 --> 00:47:45,237
♪ I'll be healed
Isn't it funny? ♪
939
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:48,073
♪ And when I say "funny"
I mean deeply sad ♪
940
00:47:48,156 --> 00:47:51,994
♪ That I'm addicted to my cell phone
Cell phone ♪
941
00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:57,332
♪ Does anyone still call it a cell phone?
It's really just a phone ♪
942
00:47:57,416 --> 00:48:01,128
♪ Isn't that interesting?
God, my work is so groundbreaking ♪
943
00:48:01,211 --> 00:48:06,883
♪ Upstate, Upstate
I might miss a call or respond late ♪
944
00:48:06,967 --> 00:48:13,515
♪ If someone texts me, I might actually
Have a reason not to respond right away ♪
945
00:48:13,599 --> 00:48:16,268
♪ Upstate, Upstate ♪
946
00:48:16,768 --> 00:48:19,938
♪ Think of all the friends
I'll fucking hate ♪
947
00:48:20,022 --> 00:48:25,986
♪ After sharing a two-bedroom Airbnb
Six or seven ways ♪
948
00:48:26,069 --> 00:48:29,448
♪ Upstate
I'll wear flannel ♪
949
00:48:30,532 --> 00:48:35,162
♪ I'll get a boyfriend
So I can go to Beacon ♪
950
00:48:35,996 --> 00:48:40,125
♪ Or Cold Spring
If you have a boyfriend ♪
951
00:48:40,208 --> 00:48:46,340
♪ You're legally allowed
To go to Beacon or Cold Spring ♪
952
00:48:46,423 --> 00:48:48,634
[applause and cheering]
953
00:48:48,717 --> 00:48:49,760
[sighs]
954
00:48:55,265 --> 00:48:57,184
Hide your boners, boys.
955
00:48:57,267 --> 00:49:01,480
I have a hormone disorder in my ovaries.
956
00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:04,983
Okay. Everyone's rock-hard in the crowd.
957
00:49:06,526 --> 00:49:09,821
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS,
958
00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:11,531
or "Pecos" for cute. Boop, boop, boop.
959
00:49:12,741 --> 00:49:14,159
[beeping playfully]
960
00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:18,413
Everything online about women's health
is like, "We don't know."
961
00:49:18,497 --> 00:49:20,123
[audience laughs]
962
00:49:20,207 --> 00:49:22,584
I get really bad migraines
with visual auras.
963
00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:25,170
Which means I'm inherently interesting.
964
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:27,964
And when you ask a doctor,
"What are migraines?"
965
00:49:28,048 --> 00:49:29,341
They're all just like...
966
00:49:30,967 --> 00:49:32,719
So I have PCOS.
967
00:49:32,803 --> 00:49:34,471
Let me tell you about PCOS.
968
00:49:34,554 --> 00:49:36,765
It's honestly iconic. Um...
969
00:49:37,516 --> 00:49:40,519
The symptoms are one, you're fat.
No, stop. Two,
970
00:49:41,019 --> 00:49:43,438
you are losing hair on your head,
971
00:49:43,522 --> 00:49:46,149
but, three, you have hair on your face,
and four, you have acne.
972
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:47,776
So, it's sort of this, like,
973
00:49:47,859 --> 00:49:49,861
waking nightmare
in which you're both young
974
00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:52,072
and old at the same time.
975
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:54,116
It's like that optical illusion
976
00:49:54,199 --> 00:49:57,661
where the young woman's looking away
and the old woman's looking down.
977
00:49:57,744 --> 00:49:59,329
[audience laughs]
978
00:50:00,539 --> 00:50:05,210
But in this case, it's just you
looking at yourself in the mirror
979
00:50:05,293 --> 00:50:08,380
thinking, "Maybe God isn't a woman."
980
00:50:08,463 --> 00:50:09,798
[audience laughs]
981
00:50:11,717 --> 00:50:14,886
But if she is, I want to meet her.
982
00:50:14,970 --> 00:50:18,724
Um, if I have to die,
which I'm not super interested in,
983
00:50:18,807 --> 00:50:21,476
I know that, literally, on my death bed,
984
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:24,604
I'll be, like, surrounded
by millions of loved ones.
985
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:27,190
And in my last dying breath
I'll be like...
986
00:50:27,274 --> 00:50:29,776
[gasping]
987
00:50:32,487 --> 00:50:35,282
"Does my hair look better [sniffs]
988
00:50:35,365 --> 00:50:39,911
half up or full down?"
989
00:50:39,995 --> 00:50:40,995
[audience laughs]
990
00:50:41,037 --> 00:50:43,749
Those are a hundy p
gonna be my last words.
991
00:50:44,624 --> 00:50:47,335
How I really want to die is
hosting a fabulous dinner party.
992
00:50:47,419 --> 00:50:49,713
Twelve people. Yeah.
My apartment in my fantasy
993
00:50:49,796 --> 00:50:51,673
you can have a table that that's big.
994
00:50:51,757 --> 00:50:53,258
That's that's big.
995
00:50:53,341 --> 00:50:54,801
That's that big.
996
00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:56,678
Hard to say, easy to write.
997
00:50:56,762 --> 00:50:57,846
Came to me like that.
998
00:50:57,929 --> 00:50:59,389
[audience laughs]
999
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:01,975
Ooh.
1000
00:51:02,058 --> 00:51:03,310
J'adore. I can't...
1001
00:51:03,393 --> 00:51:05,854
I literally don't know
a single word of French.
1002
00:51:05,937 --> 00:51:07,272
English, I can do.
1003
00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:12,944
Oh, my God. I once was studying abroad,
'cause I'm so interesting.
1004
00:51:13,028 --> 00:51:14,988
And I was studying abroad
1005
00:51:15,071 --> 00:51:19,618
and I was out clubbing
with these, like, hot Italian guys.
1006
00:51:20,285 --> 00:51:22,954
And they were like... [laughs]
They were like,
1007
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:25,332
"Your English is really good."
1008
00:51:25,415 --> 00:51:26,875
[audience laughs]
1009
00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:31,463
And I was like, "Mm-hmm."
1010
00:51:31,546 --> 00:51:35,091
At first I was like,
"It's the only language I speak."
1011
00:51:36,009 --> 00:51:38,303
But then I thought about it
and I was like,
1012
00:51:39,179 --> 00:51:40,597
"My English is really good."
1013
00:51:40,680 --> 00:51:42,182
[audience laughs]
1014
00:51:44,017 --> 00:51:46,520
And what's so bad
about taking a compliment?
1015
00:51:47,604 --> 00:51:50,315
Especially as women.
Especially in this industry.
1016
00:51:50,398 --> 00:51:52,359
We have to learn to stop apologizing
1017
00:51:52,442 --> 00:51:55,278
and just say,
"Yeah. My English is really good."
1018
00:51:55,362 --> 00:51:56,696
[audience laughs]
1019
00:51:59,491 --> 00:52:01,952
So, how I want to die
is I'm at this dinner party
1020
00:52:02,035 --> 00:52:04,913
and everyone's having
their own bottle of wine,
1021
00:52:04,996 --> 00:52:07,249
and that's normal and fine
and no one notices.
1022
00:52:08,208 --> 00:52:12,128
And then the person next to me goes,
"Oh, my God. I love that painting."
1023
00:52:12,212 --> 00:52:14,422
And I say, "Oh, thank you.
My friend painted that."
1024
00:52:14,506 --> 00:52:17,425
And then later in the evening,
I'm lying in bed with my lover.
1025
00:52:17,509 --> 00:52:19,928
And he looks to me and he says,
"What's wrong?"
1026
00:52:20,011 --> 00:52:23,139
And I say, "You know, I just..."
1027
00:52:23,223 --> 00:52:27,394
"I feel a kind of longing
that resembles sadness
1028
00:52:27,477 --> 00:52:30,939
only in the way that mist resembles rain."
1029
00:52:31,022 --> 00:52:32,357
And then I expire.
1030
00:52:32,440 --> 00:52:34,067
[audience laughs]
1031
00:52:37,112 --> 00:52:38,947
And he's like,
"Was that a Wordsworth poem?"
1032
00:52:39,030 --> 00:52:42,117
And I'm like, "I think it was Longfellow.
Can't remember."
1033
00:52:42,951 --> 00:52:44,536
From beyond.
1034
00:52:44,619 --> 00:52:47,247
From the beyond
we argue about who wrote that line.
1035
00:52:47,330 --> 00:52:48,832
Um, goals.
1036
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,919
I am in love right now,
as insane as that sounds.
1037
00:52:53,003 --> 00:52:54,754
[audience whooping]
1038
00:52:54,838 --> 00:52:55,839
I know.
1039
00:52:56,506 --> 00:53:01,803
And the only way I'll be single again
is if he gets hit by a bus, which is...
1040
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:04,931
For some reason, I'm like,
"That's such a common way to die."
1041
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:07,475
Is it?
1042
00:53:07,559 --> 00:53:08,476
[audience laughs]
1043
00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:10,186
Okay. Now, I'm living in fear...
1044
00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:12,856
for the first time ever.
1045
00:53:14,524 --> 00:53:16,776
If I have to be single again,
that'd be a disaster.
1046
00:53:16,860 --> 00:53:20,822
But in the meantime, I wrote this anthem
for anyone out there who is single,
1047
00:53:20,906 --> 00:53:22,198
who is looking for love,
1048
00:53:22,282 --> 00:53:23,658
because I want love.
1049
00:53:23,742 --> 00:53:25,327
Because, well,
1050
00:53:25,410 --> 00:53:26,661
I want everything.
1051
00:53:26,745 --> 00:53:28,121
[audience titters]
1052
00:53:28,204 --> 00:53:30,206
[piano music playing]
1053
00:54:03,073 --> 00:54:05,075
[mouthing]
1054
00:54:23,635 --> 00:54:25,178
[audience laughs]
1055
00:54:30,558 --> 00:54:36,314
♪ Lately I feel like
In that movie Love Actually ♪
1056
00:54:36,398 --> 00:54:39,067
♪ When Colin Firth sits at his desk ♪
1057
00:54:39,150 --> 00:54:41,903
♪ And says
"Well, I'm alone again naturally" ♪
1058
00:54:41,987 --> 00:54:44,739
♪ I know I'm not
Supposed to like that movie ♪
1059
00:54:44,823 --> 00:54:47,659
♪ I know it's problematic, says Buzzfeed ♪
1060
00:54:48,159 --> 00:54:52,122
♪ But romcoms have chemically altered
The state of my brain ♪
1061
00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:55,583
♪ Anyways, the point is I'm single ♪
1062
00:54:55,667 --> 00:54:58,253
♪ And, hey
I'm looking to, good rhyme, mingle ♪
1063
00:54:58,336 --> 00:55:02,340
♪ Yeah, I'm the horniest woman in America
Haven't you heard? ♪
1064
00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:07,554
♪ I want to be objectified
I know that isn't right ♪
1065
00:55:07,637 --> 00:55:10,265
♪ I know I'm not supposed
To say things like that ♪
1066
00:55:10,348 --> 00:55:14,019
♪ Turn my feminism switch on
But I want to be depraved ♪
1067
00:55:14,102 --> 00:55:16,938
♪ Yeah, I want to be
Your fucking sex slave ♪
1068
00:55:17,022 --> 00:55:18,582
♪ Liz Phair said it best
When she said ♪
1069
00:55:18,606 --> 00:55:20,066
♪ "I want to fuck you like a dog" ♪
1070
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:22,027
♪ I guess that's romance to me ♪
1071
00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:27,490
♪ I think actually
That's just what I need ♪
1072
00:55:27,574 --> 00:55:28,658
♪ Oh ♪
1073
00:55:28,742 --> 00:55:32,871
♪ I'm not looking for that special guy ♪
1074
00:55:32,954 --> 00:55:35,915
♪ I'm not trying to find my Mr. Right ♪
1075
00:55:36,416 --> 00:55:40,003
♪ I just want someone in my bed
Every single night ♪
1076
00:55:40,086 --> 00:55:42,964
♪ Who doesn't care ♪
1077
00:55:43,048 --> 00:55:44,507
♪ If I live or die ♪
1078
00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:46,551
♪ Live or die, live or die ♪
1079
00:55:46,634 --> 00:55:48,511
♪ Yeah, I'm looking for that special guy ♪
1080
00:55:48,595 --> 00:55:51,765
♪ Who doesn't care
If I live or die, oh ♪
1081
00:55:51,848 --> 00:55:54,059
♪ If you ignore me
I'll have sex with you ♪
1082
00:55:54,142 --> 00:55:56,269
♪ Abhor me, I'll get wet for you ♪
1083
00:55:56,352 --> 00:56:00,523
♪ Tell me why would I want
Something that I already have ♪
1084
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:04,527
♪ My therapist says I'm erotomanic
So I googled that in a panic ♪
1085
00:56:04,611 --> 00:56:06,362
I don't think she knows what it means.
1086
00:56:06,446 --> 00:56:08,782
She also told me I look like Jared Leto.
Different story.
1087
00:56:08,865 --> 00:56:13,161
♪ Anyways, erotomania
Is a rare type of schizophrenia ♪
1088
00:56:13,244 --> 00:56:15,205
♪ Where you think
Everyone's in love with you ♪
1089
00:56:15,288 --> 00:56:16,640
♪ And that's not really my thing ♪
1090
00:56:16,664 --> 00:56:20,960
♪ No, what I really like
Is to have a $12 craft beer ♪
1091
00:56:21,044 --> 00:56:23,505
♪ And fight with the person
I'm actively fucking ♪
1092
00:56:23,588 --> 00:56:28,259
♪ About whether or not they're actually
Sexually attracted to me ♪
1093
00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:31,763
♪ God, it's so fun to kind of
Put salt in that wound, ah ♪
1094
00:56:31,846 --> 00:56:37,185
♪ Last week this guy asked me
If I wanted to be his girlfriend ♪
1095
00:56:37,268 --> 00:56:39,062
♪ And then un-asked me four days later ♪
1096
00:56:39,145 --> 00:56:43,191
♪ Now every place we kissed
Is on a special list ♪
1097
00:56:43,274 --> 00:56:47,821
♪ Of historic venues in New York City
Because they are haunted, you see ♪
1098
00:56:47,904 --> 00:56:50,949
♪ The spell that his jawline cast on me ♪
1099
00:56:51,032 --> 00:56:53,952
♪ Is scarier than
Any ghost I've ever seen ♪
1100
00:56:54,035 --> 00:56:57,080
♪ Oh, God, I don't want to die
I really don't want to die ♪
1101
00:56:57,163 --> 00:56:58,915
♪ I don't believe I'm gonna die ♪
1102
00:56:58,998 --> 00:57:01,668
♪ I don't believe
My parents will die either ♪
1103
00:57:01,751 --> 00:57:03,419
♪ When we talk about that, I say ♪
1104
00:57:03,503 --> 00:57:05,922
♪ "Okay If either one of you guys
Decides to die" ♪
1105
00:57:06,005 --> 00:57:07,799
♪ "I'll just fucking kill myself, too" ♪
1106
00:57:07,882 --> 00:57:10,677
♪ They said, "Hey, what would
That really accomplish?" ♪
1107
00:57:10,760 --> 00:57:11,904
♪ I say, "God, I don't know" ♪
1108
00:57:11,928 --> 00:57:15,181
♪ "But sometimes you got to do something
Just for the drama" ♪
1109
00:57:15,265 --> 00:57:18,059
♪ I'm romantic
Oh, God, I'm such a romantic ♪
1110
00:57:18,143 --> 00:57:23,898
♪ I don't mean to sound pedantic
But, hey, that's just what I need, oh ♪
1111
00:57:23,982 --> 00:57:27,485
♪ I'm not looking for that special guy ♪
1112
00:57:27,569 --> 00:57:30,405
♪ I'm not trying to find my Mr. Right ♪
1113
00:57:30,905 --> 00:57:34,117
♪ I just want someone in my bed
Every single night ♪
1114
00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:38,371
♪ Who doesn't care
If I live or die ♪
1115
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,457
♪ Live or die, live or die ♪
1116
00:57:40,540 --> 00:57:42,292
♪ Yeah, I'm looking for that special guy ♪
1117
00:57:42,375 --> 00:57:44,627
♪ Who doesn't care
If I live or die ♪
1118
00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:45,587
♪ Oh ♪
1119
00:57:45,670 --> 00:57:47,797
♪ If you ignore me
I'll have sex with you ♪
1120
00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:49,716
♪ Abhor me, I'll get wet for you ♪
1121
00:57:49,799 --> 00:57:51,676
♪ Treat me like shit
I'll be like a zit ♪
1122
00:57:51,759 --> 00:57:53,303
♪ I think this is the one ♪
1123
00:57:53,386 --> 00:57:57,807
♪ Recently I told this guy I'm seeing
About this song I'm singing ♪
1124
00:57:57,891 --> 00:58:00,477
♪ And he said, "Okay
Do you want me to treat you like shit?" ♪
1125
00:58:00,560 --> 00:58:02,395
♪ And I was like, "Do what you want" ♪
1126
00:58:02,479 --> 00:58:05,148
[moans]
♪ But if you want this to last ♪
1127
00:58:05,231 --> 00:58:08,485
♪ Just let some of my texts
Pass through the cracks ♪
1128
00:58:08,568 --> 00:58:11,404
♪ Just keep me on a string
But keep me at a distance ♪
1129
00:58:11,488 --> 00:58:13,128
♪ Treat me like any...
Why am I this way ♪
1130
00:58:13,156 --> 00:58:15,241
♪ Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? ♪
1131
00:58:15,325 --> 00:58:17,202
♪ My therapist says I ♪
1132
00:58:18,286 --> 00:58:21,998
♪ Need to try to be kind ♪
1133
00:58:22,081 --> 00:58:23,333
- Ugh.
- [audience laughs]
1134
00:58:23,416 --> 00:58:26,544
♪ "Move through kindness," she says ♪
1135
00:58:26,628 --> 00:58:30,673
♪ And I said
"But that's so fucking boring" ♪
1136
00:58:30,757 --> 00:58:33,134
♪ She goes, "But it's the only way
You're going to grow" ♪
1137
00:58:33,218 --> 00:58:34,612
♪ I said, "Why would I want to grow? ♪
1138
00:58:34,636 --> 00:58:36,804
♪ I spent my whole life
trying to be smaller" ♪
1139
00:58:36,888 --> 00:58:38,139
♪ I remember I was five ♪
1140
00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:40,808
♪ I was taking a bath
With my aunt by my side ♪
1141
00:58:40,892 --> 00:58:42,894
♪ I said, "God, I love to come home
From school" ♪
1142
00:58:42,977 --> 00:58:44,938
♪ "'Cause I can finally
Let my stomach out" ♪
1143
00:58:45,021 --> 00:58:48,024
♪ Oh, my God, that's sad
That's so fucking sad ♪
1144
00:58:48,107 --> 00:58:51,236
♪ This world is so bad
But I'm addicted to it ♪
1145
00:58:51,319 --> 00:58:55,657
♪ Hey, I want to fall in love
And that's just because the movies ♪
1146
00:58:55,740 --> 00:58:59,285
♪ But now I know what I really need, oh ♪
1147
00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:03,164
♪ I'm not looking for that special guy ♪
1148
00:59:03,248 --> 00:59:06,000
♪ I'm not trying to find my Mr. Right ♪
1149
00:59:06,668 --> 00:59:10,505
♪ I just want someone in my bed
Every single night ♪
1150
00:59:10,588 --> 00:59:12,674
♪ Who doesn't care ♪
1151
00:59:12,757 --> 00:59:13,758
[gasps]
1152
00:59:13,841 --> 00:59:15,301
♪ If I live or die ♪
1153
00:59:15,843 --> 00:59:17,845
[audience cheering, applauding]
1154
00:59:19,430 --> 00:59:21,224
Thank you. Good night.
1155
00:59:35,947 --> 00:59:38,199
- [lively piano music playing]
- Whoo!
1156
00:59:38,283 --> 00:59:41,035
♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
1157
00:59:41,119 --> 00:59:44,789
♪ So now I do comedy ♪
1158
00:59:45,331 --> 00:59:47,959
♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
1159
00:59:48,042 --> 00:59:51,546
♪ So I need all of you to look at me ♪
1160
00:59:52,046 --> 00:59:54,257
♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh ♪
1161
00:59:55,174 --> 00:59:58,428
♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
1162
00:59:58,511 --> 01:00:00,406
♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me ♪
1163
01:00:00,430 --> 01:00:01,931
♪ Please, please, please ♪
1164
01:00:02,015 --> 01:00:05,476
♪ Look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, oh, oh, oh ♪
1165
01:00:06,311 --> 01:00:08,313
[piano music playing]