"Doing exercise improves sperm quality."
So does loose underwear.
And beta-carotene. Eat carrots.
"Avoid stressful situations."
Keep your phone away from your balls. Don't carry it in your pocket.
So where do I put it?
Do you realize how many billions of healthy sperm we must have wasted?
It's tragic.
Maybe I've been sterile my whole damn life.
Imagine the money you could've saved on condoms.
"Abstain to be more of a man."
"After two to five days without masturbating, semen quality improves."
"After seven days, testosterone levels increase by 45%."
I'll save on injections. We signed Ulises up for judo.
You think we can go that long without…
A week, no. But two days…
When did you last jerk off?
What time is it?
Let's show solidarity with Pedro. See who can go the longest.
-How do we know who wins? -We'll have to be honest.
We're with you, Pedro.
What's with that case?
It's one of Álex's old phones.
Santi, I assume you deleted the video. Please confirm.
Damn.
Yes, Paula. How are you? I deleted it already, okay?
Don't worry. It's all good.
Problem solved. Everything's under control.
Lov… Have a good one. Bye.
Why lie to her?
To get her off my back. She's obsessed with the video.
If one of my exes had a video of me naked, I'd be crapping myself.
Have you tried geolocating it?
Use Find My iPhone on another phone. It'll tell you where it is.
Why don't you tell me this stuff sooner? Unlock it.
Even my grandma knows that.
-She's still alive? -Yeah.
Let's see. Password.
Wrong? Two tries left.
Who cares where it is?
Everything's in the cloud. Go to iCloud and delete it.
The cloud, right.
-Don't delete it. -Shit. One try left.
Why did you enter the same password?
-Because it's correct! -It's clearly not.
Did they sign off on your project?
No. Apparently, they're stuck on some dumb clause.
Keep the video. They might screw you over.
-Why? -Scorned women can be really spiteful.
How's she scorned? She left him.
Not the same one. You'll get locked out.
I'll talk to Álex. She understands this stuff.
Move your leg.
Santi, listen to me. Delete the video.
Save a copy.
Leave me alone, please. Thank you.
That active consent stuff is such a mess.
How's Luz? Is she going to be a mother with gramps?
Luz, a mother? I don't think so.
-I saw her at the fertility clinic. -She's getting cleared out.
What do you mean?
She has some issue and opted to get her uterus removed.
But I seem to remember that Esther told me not to tell you.
-Luz has cancer? -No. It's not cancer.
-It's like precancer. -Does that exist?
You know what I mean.
I took your cell phone.
ALPHA MALES
-Luis is gay. -Here we go again.
Everything fits.
-He's a great father. -That means he's gay?
-He wants an open relationship. -That's very straight.
Depends on who you sleep with.
He got me an anal dildo because he wanted to have one at home.
Esther, you're paranoid.
Paranoid?
-Look. -What's this?
I found it in his pocket.
"Jerk off with friends"?
Still think I'm paranoid? If it looks like a duck and quacks…
-It says it's a club for straight men. -Sure.
And donut packages say, "No added sugar."
Maybe he found it on his windshield and didn't get to throw it away.
Luz, he's gay! My husband is gay.
My life's falling apart. Again.
-Breathe. -Don't tell me to breathe!
Isn't this an aggravating factor for divorce?
No. This doesn't prove anything. Hire a detective.
How am I going to hire a detective?
-They're too expensive. -Just ask him.
So he can deny everything.
How do I explain this to the kids? See? You're better off without kids.
Relax. I'm having the operation tomorrow.
Tomorrow? You're not coming to the premiere of my microplay?
Doesn't look like it.
Can't you reschedule?
-I could go to the clinic with you. -It's fine.
-Who are you going with? Your mom? -No, thanks.
-Who's gonna be with you? -Esther, I don't need anybody.
That's so great.
No kids, no tumors, no periods.
You're living the life, hon.
I wish we'd met sooner.
Click on "forgot my password," and it'll send you a link.
What's your email?
"IDontLikeSwissChard@yahoo.com."
Everything else was taken. There are a lot of Santiago Peraltas.
Password.
-For iCloud? I don't remember! -Your email password.
Okay.
Shit.
It's just… I set it up ages ago.
Do you remember any passwords you've used?
They're all saved on the Notes app on my cell phone.
The one you lost.
You drive me crazy.
But that's okay.
My email opens automatically on my work computer.
When I get to the office tomorrow,
I'll open my iCloud and sort it all out.
A few hours won't make a difference.
It tastes a bit sweeter this time.
I should have used less onion.
Where's the anal dildo you gave me?
-I put it away. Why do you want it? -Where did you put it?
-In my nightstand. -Your nightstand?
Yeah, but in the back. I hid it in a cell phone box.
Is it charged?
What's up? Got a date with someone?
Didn't we agree not to discuss extramarital stuff?
Sorry.
I was surprised you asked me about the thing.
Seeing as how you didn't like it.
That's the only rule we have.
We don't say who we're seeing.
Do we need more rules?
No, but suppose, for example, I come home one day,
and I tell you I had sex with a woman.
-Would it bother you? -You had sex with a woman?
It's an example. Would it bother you?
No. That's the beauty of open relationships. You hardly ate!
You wouldn't care if I was a lesbian?
Lesbian, bi-curious…
Sexual orientation is blurred nowadays.
Right.
-No. That's for glass. -Yes, I am knowing.
No, you don't know. That's for glass.
-I clean. -You're not cleaning anything.
You clean with this one.
I am knowing.
No, you're not. This is for glass.
Use this one.
-Negative. -COVID or pregnancy?
This is so stressful. I felt nauseous this morning.
It's probably best if we go to the clinic and they stick it inside me.
No.
-That's not very romantic, is it? -Now you're a romantic?
I don't like the idea of assisted reproduction.
Come on. And we can save some frozen embryos in case we like it.
Why don't we keep trying naturally?
Give it a few months.
Months? I can't live with this stress for months.
You feel less of a woman, get depressed, lose your self-esteem. Forget it.
What if they mix up the embryos, and we have some other couple's kid?
They won't do that.
They'll take my best egg and your best sperm.
That's unfair.
Why is it unfair?
How do they choose the best one?
No idea. They--
The best one sprints through your vagina,
traverses the uterus, heroically scales the fallopian tube,
and fertilizes your egg before the other 50 million can.
That's my champion. The rest die.
Good old meritocracy.
Why do you guys get so turned on by competition?
I want our child to be the fruit of love. Not a test tube.
Am I right, Patricia?
Pardon, sir? I wasn't listening.
She's such a liar.
I'll book an appointment. It doesn't hurt to go.
And your champ won't have to take part in the hunger games.
SEEDS - HERBAL SHOP - SPICES
Yeah, but it's too…
You okay? That's the first time you haven't checked out Lucía's ass.
When have I ever done that?
I don't realize I'm doing it. My neck turns by itself.
What's going on with Luz?
-Is she marrying gramps? -She's having surgery and didn't call me.
-Why would she call you? -Because I'm her friend.
You're her ex. That's the opposite of being friends.
Víctor and Pablo are celebrating their divorce tonight.
You should come. It's gonna be a great party.
All you guys do is party.
What do we work for otherwise?
Sparky, my first dog. 25, three, 79.
That's not it either. Shit!
How many times did you try? It locks you out after ten.
Seven or eight. I can risk one more.
I'm going out. I'm seeing body number 11.
Mom, it was only ten.
I still remember him too much.
PeterPiperPickedAPeckOfPickledPeppers.
-What's that? -A tongue twister grandma used to say.
It's an awesome password. But that's not it either.
Santiago, stop it.
I'll go to the office. It'll be a minute.
-Now? -Yes.
My account was hacked or something. It doesn't make sense.
Dad, what do you have on that phone?
What do you want to delete?
Álex, respect my privacy.
-Nacho, what are you doing here? -What's up, Santi?
They wanted me to make some changes. At six in the evening.
Yeah, me too. It's unbelievable.
We work like mad. It's crazy.
UBIZKUO ARCHITECTURE STUDIO
WELCOME BACK, SANTIAGO
1 ITEM DOWNLOADED
-He's the best… -Okay.
-Save a copy. -I assume you deleted the video.
-Listen to me. Delete the video. -Don't delete it.
-Please confirm. -Did they sign off?
-Santi, listen to me. -Delete it.
Keep the video. They might screw you over.
USB DEVICE CONNECTED
SAVE A COPY
SAVING A COPY IN NETWORK DOWNLOADS
RECYCLE BIN
Okay. All done.
You finished already?
Yeah. It was just a small change.
The position of a drip edge was annoying me. All sorted now.
-Bye. Keep it up! -All right. See you later.
NEW ITEM NETWORK DOWNLOADS: VIDEO_PAULA.MP4
He's the best…
Okay.
Hi. I'm Paula Villar.
I'm feeling super horny, and I want to fuck this guy here.
Say hi.
Hi. How's it going?
-Do you consent? -Yes.
-Yes, I consent. -Me too.
I'm going to show I'm not drunk with this certified breathalyzer.
Hello.
Hey.
What are you doing with a dandy bag?
"Dandy bag" is an outdated, homophobic term.
Sorry. What are you doing with a man's handbag?
It's easier to carry my cell phone. You don't like it?
You look like an old lady at the deli.
Come here. Give me some attention.
Are you okay? You seem a bit stressed.
No, I'm fine. Normal. Why?
Give me a massage. I'll forgive you.
Let's open some wine. Patri!
No alcohol. I bought some grape juice.
-Grape juice? -It has tons of antioxidants.
And sugar.
-Shit. -Why are you still down here talking?
Why don't you go up to bed?
"Why don't you go up to bed?" We have to set limits for that woman.
Poor thing. She's just excited.
I don't know. I'm starting to feel pressured by everyone.
Why are you putting your pajamas on?
My love, we have to allow two to five days of abstinence
so that the sperm can regain their strength.
"Having sexual intercourse daily
from day 13 of the cycle improves chances of fertilization."
No. It's been proven that it reduces the number of sperm--
"An increasing number of studies recommend daily sexual intercourse
as frequent ejaculation increases sperm quality
by reducing DNA damage."
Fuck. I wish they'd make their minds up.
We can ask the doctor at our appointment tomorrow.
Tomorrow? But we're shooting the pilot.
Darling, you're the CEO. You can get away for an hour.
Okay, I'll manage. But spending money on something that we could do for free…
By the way, "dandy bag" is still in the dictionary.
"Noun, colloquial. A handbag for men."
Well, they should remove it. I'm gonna start a petition on change.org.
You're driving me nuts with your inclusiveness.
Bathed and in bed by 9:28 p.m.
Ulises asked me what cunnilingus was.
I said it was late, and you'd explain tomorrow.
-Cunnilingus? -He's obsessed.
I wasn't like that at his age.
I'm up for it.
-Up for what? -Some oral sex and a bit of penetration.
Now?
No. At five in the morning is better.
Okay.
God, this is amazing! We should fuck more often.
The kids!
You're suffocating me!
Done?
-And you? -What?
-You didn't come. -It doesn't matter.
You always come.
-Well, not today. -Why not?
But I really enjoyed it.
Luis.
Look, it's…
I made a bet with my buddies.
What kind of bet?
Apparently, abstinence increases testosterone levels naturally,
and some other bullshit.
I'm starting to feel sorry for him.
He doesn't know what else to say. He's cornered.
Why don't you just ask him?
He won't just confess. I need proof.
More?
-Another drink? -Sure.
Christian, how's it going?
I like it.
Raúl? Are you okay?
Yes, damn it. Leave me alone already.
Dude, you've got some temper.
Hi. I'm Rafa, Pablo's friend.
Raúl, Diego's straight friend.
I'm straight too.
Well, be careful around here. Don't go saying hi to just anybody.
You alone?
Very. I'm going to the restroom.
Hey, Rafa!
What are you doing?
What are you doing down there?
I'm blanking on my lines. Totally.
How can I do the show like this?
Don't worry. It's just nerves.
What's the point if I'm not getting paid? I even had to buy my own costume.
This is your dream, Mom. Fight for it.
-Yes. -"It's your dream, Mom. Fight for it."
Don't make fun of your sister.
I'm late. Take the kids to school.
Wasn't it your turn?
Kids, I'm so happy you're coming to see me.
-I have judo. -Skip it.
Kids--
-I want cookies. -Listen to me!
If you don't like Mom's play, you can tell her. It'll be good for her.
-I thought criticizing was wrong. -Lying is worse.
This is so darn complicated. Growing up is hard.
And it'll get harder.
DRIVER LICENSE TESTING CENTER
-Nervous? -A bit more today.
That's good.
Good morning. Start the car and drive onto the main road.
-Stop the car. -What the hell?
-Give me a signal! -Why didn't you look?
-I did. -No, you didn't.
Well, you have to pay the fee again.
Not me. My dad does.
Good morning, Isabel.
The other day, he kept asking me about her.
Hi, guys. What are you watching?
What's up? Let me in on the joke.
You're a dirty son of a bitch, aren't you?
Me? What…
-I'm Paula Villar. I'm super horny… -Shit! Close it. Come here.
-Where did you get this? -Are you kidding me?
You uploaded it to a shared folder. The whole company saw it.
Santiago!
Yes, Román?
Román, you're gonna laugh. Paula, glad you're here as well.
Your ex was right. You're a vengeful piece of shit.
-No, honestly. I-- -Honey, leave him to me.
Sit down.
It was a computer error. I swear I deleted the video.
-It must have been a virus. -Let me get this straight.
You get a job here, you seduce my daughter,
and when she dumps you, you humiliate her by leaking a video
of her offering her services like some cheap hooker.
Dad.
Anything to say?
Before I tell you and your shitty deconstructed offices to fuck off?
I feel like a woman.
Excuse me?
Yes. I'm going through a very difficult time.
And that's why I'm acting so crazy.
I feel lost and…
You understand me. You're gay.
-How's it going? -I need coffee first.
Tell me about Rafa.
He was just this annoying guy from last night.
Well, you brought him home.
What? No, I didn't.
Phone.
RAFA CELL PHONE
Why do I have this guy's number on my phone?
He saved it before he put you to bed.
He put me to bed?
You puked in his car.
"Hey, gorgeous. Pick you up at two."
You're getting lunch. You said you knew a place in the--
No way, man. I'm blocking him right now.
Poor guy. He was really excited about it.
Excited about what? Nothing happened.
Well, he gave me a…
But you guys do that all the time and don't swap numbers.
Raúl, are you familiar with the concept of "affective responsibility"?
Diego, I'm straight.
Sure. And so is he.
-Hi. -Hello.
Luz Ferreiro. I have surgery with Dr. Lahoz.
Yes, here you are.
Name and phone number of your companion.
No. I'm alone.
But I need a number.
-What for? -To inform them after surgery.
-You don't need to inform anybody. -It's protocol at our clinic.
It can be a friend or family member.
Is my adviser's number okay?
Come in.
There's your gown and cap. Get changed, and someone will be by shortly.
Thank you.
-You haven't eaten, right? -No.
Good. The opening of the gown goes at the back, by the way.
Okay.
In your case, as you have no infertility issues,
and you're relatively young…
Thanks.
…this should be fairly quick. Once we have the test results,
we'll start ovarian stimulation on your next period--
We've already done the tests.
I forgot to download the app.
-I don't believe it. -I don't use paper copies anymore.
Don't worry. We can redo all the tests here.
Actually, we can collect your sample right now.
When did you last ejaculate?
Well…
The day before yesterday, right?
-The day before yesterday. -Perfect.
I ate a big breakfast. I don't know if…
I'll help you, sweetie.
No. He has to go in by himself.
There won't be a problem.
This is our sample collection room.
We've tried to create a suggestive environment.
Increased sexual arousal improves sperm quality.
Magazines are there, videos here.
We also have artificial vaginas, mouths,
or, if you prefer, a VR headset.
I'm good, thanks.
We recommend you wash your penis with soap and water.
-All right. -Very important.
Deposit all the ejaculate in the container.
-Okay. -Questions?
-No. -Right.
When you're finished, let me know.
-Awesome. -No rush.
-Increased sexual arousal… -Improves semen quality.
Exactly.
Where are you?
At a clinic with Daniela.
You've lost the bet!
That's a clinic?
What did you call for? Motivation?
I've abstained for less than 24 hours. My semen will be crap.
Tell them you froze and couldn't do it.
How am I gonna say that?
Let's analyze it. What's more humiliating?
Being sterile or impotent?
I couldn't do it.
Honey.
I couldn't focus in there.
There's so much paraphernalia, I just froze.
Relax. It happens to everyone.
You can bring the sample from home.
Isn't that too far? It might break the cold chain.
-No. -Or the heat chain.
It won't.
Hello.
Hi, Rafa. How are you?
A beer for my friend.
Did you sleep well?
Okay, Rafa. Listen.
I was slightly worse for wear last night,
and you caught me off guard.
So you probably got the wrong idea.
You mean the restroom thing?
You liked it, right? It seemed like it.
That's irrelevant now. The point is, I'm heterosexual.
-Me too. -No, you're not that straight.
I'm so heterosexual I took a course to deconstruct my masculinity.
-You said sweet things. -Cut it out, Rafa.
You gave me a good night kiss.
Did you spike my beer?
-What's your deal? -What's yours?
You didn't complain this much when I sucked you off.
Thanks, cutie.
I don't want any drama. Just tell me if you're still up to meet.
I didn't say I would.
I need to plan. I've got two kids, a great wife.
But you really turn me on.
I'm a bottom.
Look, you cocksu…
Go home.
-Raúl. -No.
-Should I call you? -No!
Who isn't troubled in this unbearable, infected world,
damned conscience of mine?
Who is capable of setting foot on the street
without feeling an unsettling mix
of disgust and sorrow
when coming face-to-face with that swarming horde
of inert faces and amorphous bodies?
Not me.
I'd spit them out.
I'd slap them to rouse them
from the quasi-mortal lethargy in which they live.
Did I say "live"?
Die.
Die!
…in the police academy, we do a classic from…
Mom!
-You were awesome! -Did you like it?
You seemed like someone else.
Honey, what a compliment.
-It was a bit long. -It was only 12 minutes.
Really?
-Mom, I want to be an actress too. -Me too.
Of course. Like the Bardem family. A dynasty of artists.
You wanted to be an astronaut. And you, a vet. That was great.
-Let them be. -Look what you've done.
Quit moaning. Let's go home.
-See you later. -Bye!
-Come on. -I have paddle.
Now? It's 8:30 p.m.
It's the only time we can meet.
It's that way.
You feel like a woman?
It was the first thing that popped into my head.
Then I pretended I was about to faint and left.
-So you think you're a woman? -No, man! Don't you see?
-This is your fault. -I told Pedro to say it, not you.
-Right. -But it's more believable coming from you.
Why'd you say it? You said it was a dirty trick.
How was it at the job center? Great, right?
Blame the course. You have the certificate.
I'm sure they have psychologists and experts and things.
That's transphobic.
So what happened? You told your boss, then what?
I don't know. They didn't fire me. I'll go to work tomorrow like normal.
No, man. Not like normal. Wear an accessory or something.
They wouldn't dare fire you.
Companies avoid getting involved with that stuff.
Santiaga, you're getting yourself in a pickle.
So, we have a trans buddy. We really are an inclusive group now.
Damn poodle.
It's five past. Time to leave, okay?
Hi.
-What are you doing here? -I thought you might want some water.
Or…
these chocolate puff pastries I bought.
Yummy.
Thanks.
Can I come in?
-Hey, girl. -Why's he here?
A little bird told me she was having an operation.
What a good little bird. Want to go get a coffee?
Coffee at night? No.
-She wants you to step out. -Why doesn't she say so?
Here. For you!
It's all they had in the store downstairs.
Hey.
Your kids are out here.
Oh, yes. Children!
-Your kids? -They wanted to come and see you.
I'll leave them with you for a bit.
What?
I went on that jerking-off club website, and today they have a special event.
He said he had paddle so he could do dirty stuff.
But Raúl's here. You have to be an idiot.
I have to catch him at it, or I'll go crazy.
Esther, you can't leave the kids here.
When Iris's battery dies, she'll help you.
-She can braid your hair. -When will you be back?
Esther!
Stop moving the bed, sweetie.
Oh my God.
No, I just wanted to pee.
Shit.
Excuse me. Would you mind checking if this guy's inside?
Okay, thanks.
Fuck.
Did you see this guy inside?
-He's bald-- -Sorry. I'm in a hurry.
Okay, bye.
Slimeball.
Excuse me. Could you help me, please?
Yeah.
I need to know if the man in this photo is inside.
I haven't seen him today.
What do you mean, not today? You've seen him some other day?
I think he came on me last week.
He…
Really nice guy.
Nice guy.
Where have you been?
Luis.
-Are you gay? -Here we go.
Don't play dumb. They saw you at that club.
They saw me?
-I've only been once. -So you have been?
-Yes. Well, no. We didn't go in. -Luis, don't lie to me.
I showed your picture to this guy, and he recognized you.
You did something to him. I can't say it out loud.
You showed my photo to every bi-curious man in Madrid?
Enough with the euphemisms. It's a gay club.
And that was in your pocket.
-Raúl took us there! -Raúl? Come on!
Santi, maybe. But Raúl…
He has some new friends who are messing with his head.
And to think that yesterday I sucked you off.
Esther, I'm not gay. Jesus!
If you're not, you do some weird things! That damn course.
Hey, where are the kids?
And I'm the one who does weird things.
Bro, long time no see.
You haven't changed, asshole.
What's up, Fede?
Not much, to be honest.
Mom said you were going to call me to help me out, but I'm still waiting.
Right, so paying for your rehab doesn't count?
It counts, yeah.
But you could help me get a nice little job.
I can get by on three grand a month.
-Are you clean? -Yes.
I go jogging every morning, and I adopted a dog.
I have a normal life now. A shitty one.
I'm integrated into society, basically.
That's great. Congratulations.
Why did you call me? Do you have cancer?
No, not just yet. Relax.
Look,
don't be spooked by my question.
Fire away, bro.
How good is the quality of your semen?
Subtitle translation by: Olga Garrido