1 00:00:12,438 --> 00:00:13,896 (upbeat marching music) 2 00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,563 (fire crackling) 3 00:00:33,105 --> 00:00:34,813 It was the Dark Ages. 4 00:00:35,146 --> 00:00:38,355 And in the land of Britain, there lived a mighty queen, 5 00:00:38,730 --> 00:00:41,146 adored by all her subjects. 6 00:00:42,396 --> 00:00:43,605 Most of them. 7 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,480 Some of them. 8 00:00:45,481 --> 00:00:47,855 {\an8}Oh, just meet her. You'll understand. 9 00:00:54,730 --> 00:00:57,771 - My Queen, enemy force... - Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh! 10 00:00:58,355 --> 00:00:59,980 How am I coming out? 11 00:01:01,188 --> 00:01:04,479 My portrait. And give me the truth, unvarnished. 12 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,271 Don't think to flatter me, Leofwine. 13 00:01:12,063 --> 00:01:15,021 Maybe the Queen should judge for herself. 14 00:01:19,605 --> 00:01:21,188 (dramatic music) 15 00:01:31,813 --> 00:01:33,687 Well done! (artist sighs deeply) 16 00:01:33,688 --> 00:01:35,604 I'll not have your fingers hacked off today. 17 00:01:35,605 --> 00:01:37,646 Thank you, my Queen (laughs). 18 00:01:39,980 --> 00:01:41,520 - Now, how goes the war? - Ah. 19 00:01:41,521 --> 00:01:43,438 Oh yes, the war. 20 00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:45,687 Angered by Dagan's harsh reign, 21 00:01:45,688 --> 00:01:47,855 the peasants had risen against her. 22 00:01:48,146 --> 00:01:49,437 (fire crackling) From amongst the common folk, 23 00:01:49,438 --> 00:01:51,270 a rebel champion rose, (ethereal music) 24 00:01:51,271 --> 00:01:53,771 a woodcutter named Humble Joan, 25 00:01:53,896 --> 00:01:56,312 and Joan had something the queen did not: 26 00:01:56,313 --> 00:01:59,729 a secret of great might called flame-powder. 27 00:01:59,730 --> 00:02:01,895 (cannons firing) (armies fighting) 28 00:02:01,896 --> 00:02:04,729 {\an8}But Dagan had a plan to crush the rebellion. 29 00:02:04,730 --> 00:02:06,563 {\an8}(cannon blasts) 30 00:02:07,146 --> 00:02:10,188 The forest archers, the river clans, 31 00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:12,354 the spearmen of the fens. 32 00:02:12,355 --> 00:02:14,854 We... we muster them here. (explosion outside) 33 00:02:14,855 --> 00:02:16,020 Are you listening? 34 00:02:16,021 --> 00:02:21,187 We muster them here and they shall smash our enemies. 35 00:02:21,188 --> 00:02:24,437 I- I don't know why you didn't think of this before. 36 00:02:24,438 --> 00:02:28,812 My Queen, we can move the pieces on the map all we like. 37 00:02:28,813 --> 00:02:31,021 It will not conjure them here. 38 00:02:32,063 --> 00:02:35,230 The spearmen of the fens are fallen. 39 00:02:36,146 --> 00:02:39,271 Well, let them get up again, the lazy tykes. 40 00:02:39,855 --> 00:02:40,896 Humph! 41 00:02:41,438 --> 00:02:43,278 I thought you were going to say they were dead. 42 00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:48,063 Oh. (paper rustles) 43 00:02:48,396 --> 00:02:50,520 The river clans are cleft in bits. 44 00:02:50,521 --> 00:02:54,605 The forest archers turned and... fight for Humble Joan. 45 00:02:55,396 --> 00:02:58,146 (large explosion) (building crumbling) 46 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,895 I know the illness which gnaws at your innards. 47 00:03:01,896 --> 00:03:03,437 MAN: Ow, my fucking leg! 48 00:03:03,438 --> 00:03:05,855 It's not Humble Joan, no. 49 00:03:06,146 --> 00:03:08,188 - MAN: Where's it gone?! - It's fear. 50 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:12,188 So, let us lift our spirits with a - with a banquet! 51 00:03:12,563 --> 00:03:14,062 (jaunty party music) (more explosions) 52 00:03:14,063 --> 00:03:15,813 (soldiers roaring) 53 00:03:16,771 --> 00:03:18,938 She tramples on the lions, 54 00:03:19,063 --> 00:03:21,937 She tramples on her foes, 55 00:03:21,938 --> 00:03:25,145 raises burdensome taxes on their howling widows. 56 00:03:25,146 --> 00:03:27,271 Dainty, soft, soft. 57 00:03:27,771 --> 00:03:28,980 Shut up! 58 00:03:29,813 --> 00:03:30,813 Come. 59 00:03:30,814 --> 00:03:32,188 What's this yellow stuff? 60 00:03:32,438 --> 00:03:33,521 No, let me guess. 61 00:03:33,646 --> 00:03:36,146 Tumery. Turmer - 62 00:03:36,688 --> 00:03:38,312 - Meric. - Turmer... 63 00:03:38,313 --> 00:03:40,145 BOTH: Turmeric. - You please me. 64 00:03:40,146 --> 00:03:42,229 Bring me these eggs in all the banquets to come. 65 00:03:42,230 --> 00:03:43,479 Yes, my Queen. 66 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,937 All eggs. Right. 67 00:03:44,938 --> 00:03:46,438 (explosion) 68 00:03:47,355 --> 00:03:48,854 (cannon ball whizzes, explodes) 69 00:03:48,855 --> 00:03:51,855 (banqueters gasp) (pieces of the castle fall) 70 00:03:52,063 --> 00:03:54,854 Humble Joan can't stop us from enjoying this, can she? 71 00:03:54,855 --> 00:03:56,563 (men screaming in agony) 72 00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:58,979 I am more than your queen, am I not? 73 00:03:58,980 --> 00:04:00,062 I'm-I'm your friend. 74 00:04:00,063 --> 00:04:01,520 (men laugh nervously) (explosion outside) 75 00:04:01,521 --> 00:04:03,729 A toast, to friendship. 76 00:04:03,730 --> 00:04:05,062 (big explosion) 77 00:04:05,063 --> 00:04:06,312 SOLDIER: Fall back! 78 00:04:06,313 --> 00:04:07,938 (helmets, swords clanging) 79 00:04:09,355 --> 00:04:10,688 (marching music) 80 00:04:12,146 --> 00:04:13,546 (trumpet sounds) (soldiers cheering) 81 00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,229 The wall is breached. 82 00:04:16,230 --> 00:04:17,355 (sighs) 83 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,855 Oh, dear. 84 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,355 (swords clanging) 85 00:04:25,230 --> 00:04:27,062 Fighting in the passages. 86 00:04:27,063 --> 00:04:28,645 (soldiers screaming) 87 00:04:28,646 --> 00:04:30,687 Screams of the dying. 88 00:04:30,688 --> 00:04:32,895 Yes, dying peasants, though, don't we think? 89 00:04:32,896 --> 00:04:34,980 SOLDIER: Footsteps coming closer. 90 00:04:36,021 --> 00:04:38,062 (ominous music) (squelch) 91 00:04:38,063 --> 00:04:39,645 (blood dripping) 92 00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:41,105 (sword zings) 93 00:04:41,396 --> 00:04:42,771 They're at the door. 94 00:04:43,188 --> 00:04:45,063 (soldier thumps) (dramatic music) 95 00:04:46,271 --> 00:04:48,354 (loud crash) (people screaming) 96 00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:49,895 (soldiers roaring) 97 00:04:49,896 --> 00:04:51,855 (tense music) 98 00:04:58,730 --> 00:05:00,271 Humble Joan. 99 00:05:00,771 --> 00:05:02,771 Merely Joan. 100 00:05:03,980 --> 00:05:07,230 I seek no fame, no titles. 101 00:05:08,313 --> 00:05:10,063 Only justice. 102 00:05:10,646 --> 00:05:11,938 Urgh. 103 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,770 As do I. 104 00:05:13,771 --> 00:05:15,563 (gasps) (dramatic music) 105 00:05:19,105 --> 00:05:20,145 Leofwine! 106 00:05:20,146 --> 00:05:21,562 During any change of government, 107 00:05:21,563 --> 00:05:24,520 some element of continuity is advisable. 108 00:05:24,521 --> 00:05:25,771 No! 109 00:05:26,605 --> 00:05:27,938 I am still the queen! 110 00:05:28,105 --> 00:05:32,896 Thanes, I command you to seize them! 111 00:05:36,521 --> 00:05:37,938 Is she serious? 112 00:05:38,980 --> 00:05:44,063 Thanes, you are citizens of the new commonwealth. 113 00:05:45,146 --> 00:05:46,146 Be free. 114 00:05:46,147 --> 00:05:47,521 (treacherous music) 115 00:05:49,688 --> 00:05:52,438 Thank you, Humble Joan, you heal our land. 116 00:05:52,605 --> 00:05:54,605 You heal yourselves. 117 00:06:00,771 --> 00:06:01,813 What? 118 00:06:05,188 --> 00:06:06,605 Wolf Tail... 119 00:06:07,646 --> 00:06:09,230 (groans) (sword clangs) 120 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,896 My father's blade. (grunts) 121 00:06:13,313 --> 00:06:17,230 Humble Joan, I challenge you to single combat. 122 00:06:17,646 --> 00:06:19,145 The victor wins the realm. 123 00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,146 (giggling) 124 00:06:21,521 --> 00:06:22,521 Duelling? 125 00:06:22,522 --> 00:06:25,229 Oh. A sad habit of the wealthy. 126 00:06:25,230 --> 00:06:26,937 We have no need for it now. 127 00:06:26,938 --> 00:06:28,896 There are a dozen tongues in this hall. 128 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:30,687 More than one shall speak of the time 129 00:06:30,688 --> 00:06:32,396 Humble Joan was afraid. 130 00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:36,646 (axe swishes) 131 00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:40,605 (dramatic music) If I can fell the tallest oak, 132 00:06:42,105 --> 00:06:43,855 I can cut down a little queen. 133 00:06:44,230 --> 00:06:45,563 Argh! (sword whooshes) 134 00:06:45,771 --> 00:06:47,313 (Joan laughs) 135 00:06:48,521 --> 00:06:50,354 (grunting) (weapons clang) 136 00:06:50,355 --> 00:06:51,855 Oh! 137 00:06:52,230 --> 00:06:56,438 Such pretty nails and such a soft foot. 138 00:06:57,063 --> 00:06:58,479 You've lived as a queen. 139 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:00,271 Time to die as one. 140 00:07:00,563 --> 00:07:02,895 Many people cry for their mothers at a time like this. 141 00:07:02,896 --> 00:07:05,604 YOUNG DAGAN: Mum! No! 142 00:07:05,605 --> 00:07:07,730 Not I! Argh! 143 00:07:07,855 --> 00:07:11,188 Oh, a fighting queen at last! 144 00:07:13,105 --> 00:07:14,271 Did I touch a nerve? 145 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,313 (frightened breathing) 146 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:19,395 (sword clangs) 147 00:07:19,396 --> 00:07:21,479 See how the coward runs. 148 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:22,979 (door opens) 149 00:07:22,980 --> 00:07:24,771 Now, bring her back. (men shouting) 150 00:07:29,730 --> 00:07:31,355 Well, look at you. 151 00:07:31,896 --> 00:07:34,063 (upbeat music) (people shouting) 152 00:07:37,605 --> 00:07:38,896 (screams) 153 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:45,229 (chain rattles, clangs) (spiked ball hits helmet) 154 00:07:45,230 --> 00:07:47,355 (banging of metal on metal) 155 00:07:50,605 --> 00:07:51,896 SOLDIER: She went this way! 156 00:07:57,355 --> 00:07:59,355 Oh, excuse me, corpse chap. 157 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,230 LEOFWINE: Dagan! 158 00:08:03,605 --> 00:08:06,938 Oooh, D-D-D-D-D Dagan! 159 00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:14,271 Boo! (panicked breathing) 160 00:08:14,396 --> 00:08:17,395 My new master will be pleased. 161 00:08:17,396 --> 00:08:18,937 (hitting sound) (screams) 162 00:08:18,938 --> 00:08:20,313 (high tempo music) 163 00:08:20,688 --> 00:08:21,979 This way, my Queen. 164 00:08:21,980 --> 00:08:26,146 Oh. Oh, titting balls. 165 00:08:26,563 --> 00:08:27,979 I've never gone this way before. 166 00:08:27,980 --> 00:08:29,479 They're staff stairs, come on! 167 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:30,438 I remember you now. 168 00:08:30,439 --> 00:08:31,979 You're one of the servants and you're called Turmeric. 169 00:08:31,980 --> 00:08:33,605 - That's the spice. - Yes, I knew that. 170 00:08:34,063 --> 00:08:35,854 (agonised scream from upstairs) (blade swishes) 171 00:08:35,855 --> 00:08:38,646 Dishand me! A commoner may not touch a queen! 172 00:08:39,021 --> 00:08:42,146 (head bouncing on stairs) Urgh! 173 00:08:43,605 --> 00:08:45,980 - Why are we going up? - I know of a privy chute. 174 00:08:46,438 --> 00:08:48,230 - A what? - A privy chute. 175 00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:51,271 It's narrow, but steep and moist. 176 00:08:51,438 --> 00:08:52,729 We'll slide fast. 177 00:08:52,730 --> 00:08:54,937 Moist is a word for it, I can think of others. 178 00:08:54,938 --> 00:08:56,438 (up tempo music) 179 00:08:57,230 --> 00:08:59,271 At least consider it, my Queen. 180 00:09:00,271 --> 00:09:02,563 Do you think to trick me and push me down? 181 00:09:03,730 --> 00:09:06,230 (screams) (splash, plop) 182 00:09:06,355 --> 00:09:08,355 (grunting) 183 00:09:08,813 --> 00:09:10,354 That wasn't so bad, was it? 184 00:09:10,355 --> 00:09:12,645 (wretches) (splashes in mud) 185 00:09:12,646 --> 00:09:14,480 The Queen requires a shoe! 186 00:09:14,896 --> 00:09:16,562 You look perfect. Now, run! (high tempo music) 187 00:09:16,563 --> 00:09:17,937 SOLDIER: Find Dagan! 188 00:09:17,938 --> 00:09:19,271 WOMAN: Find the queen! 189 00:09:20,105 --> 00:09:22,187 Where are we going? And what's your name again? 190 00:09:22,188 --> 00:09:23,521 Shulmay. 191 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,812 Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, 192 00:09:25,813 --> 00:09:27,730 Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay. 193 00:09:28,730 --> 00:09:30,645 - We'll swim downstream. - We turn back. 194 00:09:30,646 --> 00:09:31,855 Huh? 195 00:09:32,230 --> 00:09:33,230 (fabric rips) 196 00:09:33,231 --> 00:09:35,480 Quick, they're coming. In here. 197 00:09:36,438 --> 00:09:38,271 (dog panting) 198 00:09:43,188 --> 00:09:44,646 (dog growls) 199 00:09:44,938 --> 00:09:46,480 SOLDIER: Hang on, what's this? 200 00:09:46,646 --> 00:09:48,146 The Queen's colour. 201 00:09:49,313 --> 00:09:50,645 She took to water. 202 00:09:50,646 --> 00:09:52,645 She reckons we'll lose the scent. 203 00:09:52,646 --> 00:09:54,270 Follow the river, boys! 204 00:09:54,271 --> 00:09:57,188 The Queen had outwitted the rebels and escaped. 205 00:09:57,355 --> 00:09:58,812 Maybe Shulmay helped a bit too. 206 00:09:58,813 --> 00:10:02,355 But with her citadel taken, what would Dagan do now? 207 00:10:02,896 --> 00:10:04,230 (owl hooting) 208 00:10:09,146 --> 00:10:13,105 When I was a girl, I would watch my father punish traitors. 209 00:10:13,688 --> 00:10:15,729 He would cleave off their arms. 210 00:10:15,730 --> 00:10:18,021 And shove them up their arses. 211 00:10:18,563 --> 00:10:19,687 - That's nice. - Hmm. 212 00:10:19,688 --> 00:10:21,645 And then he would cleave off their arses 213 00:10:21,646 --> 00:10:24,605 and shove those up whatever remained. 214 00:10:25,105 --> 00:10:26,895 People didn't always get their own arses. 215 00:10:26,896 --> 00:10:28,605 Arses were swapped about. 216 00:10:30,688 --> 00:10:32,063 Now, Leofwine, 217 00:10:32,521 --> 00:10:34,354 she will have all of this and more 218 00:10:34,355 --> 00:10:36,438 when I take back the citadel tomorrow. 219 00:10:37,063 --> 00:10:39,688 And do you have soldiers for that, Your Majesty? 220 00:10:41,063 --> 00:10:42,687 You're making the queen feel bad. 221 00:10:42,688 --> 00:10:44,188 Your throne is lost. 222 00:10:44,563 --> 00:10:45,730 (scoffs) 223 00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,313 But it can be yours again. 224 00:10:50,063 --> 00:10:51,146 You may continue. 225 00:10:51,521 --> 00:10:55,271 For weeks, I feared Leofwine was playing both sides, 226 00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:58,063 that there were letters she didn't show you. 227 00:10:58,605 --> 00:11:01,563 Earlier in the fog of war, she left one on the table. 228 00:11:03,438 --> 00:11:04,520 {\an8}(treacherous music) 229 00:11:04,521 --> 00:11:06,646 {\an8}'To Chancellor Leofwine, 230 00:11:07,646 --> 00:11:11,563 from King Ivarr of Jutland and King Guthrum of the Frisians.' 231 00:11:12,146 --> 00:11:13,562 These are my cousins! 232 00:11:13,563 --> 00:11:15,438 My cousins across the sea! 233 00:11:16,021 --> 00:11:18,480 'By Fingerstone Rock -' (paper rustles) 234 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,563 Well, I had a moment, no more. 235 00:11:21,688 --> 00:11:23,271 I could only take the first page. 236 00:11:23,521 --> 00:11:25,271 Then we'll never know the rest! 237 00:11:25,521 --> 00:11:26,813 I'm finished! 238 00:11:26,980 --> 00:11:28,271 Strangle me. 239 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,605 But gently. 240 00:11:31,021 --> 00:11:33,062 It said Ivarr and Guthrum 241 00:11:33,063 --> 00:11:35,729 will give you sanctuary in their lands. 242 00:11:35,730 --> 00:11:38,020 Then they'll muster armies and longships 243 00:11:38,021 --> 00:11:39,937 all for you to take back what's yours. 244 00:11:39,938 --> 00:11:41,855 Then I'm saved! 245 00:11:43,146 --> 00:11:44,938 But what does 'by Fingerstone Rock' mean? 246 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,937 Fingerstone is a crag on the coast. 247 00:11:46,938 --> 00:11:48,895 It marks the shortest passage to their lands. 248 00:11:48,896 --> 00:11:51,105 Well, that's where we're going! 249 00:11:51,396 --> 00:11:53,187 How far is Fingerstone Rock from here? 250 00:11:53,188 --> 00:11:54,938 A hundred and forty miles. 251 00:11:55,313 --> 00:11:57,188 One hundred and forty miles? 252 00:11:58,230 --> 00:12:00,062 One hundred and - (upbeat marching music) 253 00:12:00,063 --> 00:12:04,146 {\an8}And so began their great journey, to Fingerstone Rock, 254 00:12:04,521 --> 00:12:06,937 {\an8}to the kings, to salvation. 255 00:12:06,938 --> 00:12:08,813 (mud squishes) (Shulmay sighs) 256 00:12:09,230 --> 00:12:12,480 Shulmay, your servant's shoe is not very watertight. 257 00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:14,645 Add that to your things to fix list. 258 00:12:14,646 --> 00:12:16,771 My Queen, you are conspicuous 259 00:12:17,021 --> 00:12:19,646 with your red gown and your gold crown. 260 00:12:19,771 --> 00:12:21,021 Just - - Hey! 261 00:12:21,146 --> 00:12:23,062 My father's crown shall not be removed. 262 00:12:23,063 --> 00:12:24,687 - If it's seen - - Well, then cover it. 263 00:12:24,688 --> 00:12:26,313 Find me a nice hat. 264 00:12:28,396 --> 00:12:29,438 Yep. 265 00:12:31,771 --> 00:12:34,521 You're probably wondering why I'm helping you (laughs). 266 00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:40,313 Why this servant who... could've slipped away hasn't. 267 00:12:40,855 --> 00:12:43,105 Not especially, no. It's your job. 268 00:12:43,521 --> 00:12:47,646 And, hey, stop walking before your Queen! 269 00:12:48,396 --> 00:12:50,480 What is the world coming to? 270 00:12:50,855 --> 00:12:52,646 (treacherous music) 271 00:12:56,063 --> 00:12:57,563 Keep up, though! 272 00:12:58,188 --> 00:13:00,355 We have no time for slackers. 273 00:13:01,980 --> 00:13:03,771 Yeah. (marching music continues) 274 00:13:06,230 --> 00:13:10,313 On they walked, with happy smiles and swelling hearts. 275 00:13:10,730 --> 00:13:11,813 Until... 276 00:13:17,438 --> 00:13:18,938 (sighs) 277 00:13:21,396 --> 00:13:24,021 This is my morning song I sing, 278 00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:26,229 in summer, winter, and in spring. 279 00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:29,020 It's made from air that I breathe in, 280 00:13:29,021 --> 00:13:30,104 (inhales) 281 00:13:30,105 --> 00:13:32,395 and push it out my mouth again. 282 00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:34,855 Some say the tune and words are wrong, 283 00:13:35,146 --> 00:13:37,105 but it is not their fucking song. 284 00:13:37,230 --> 00:13:38,063 When he leaves for work, 285 00:13:38,064 --> 00:13:40,354 we'll search his hut for clothes and food. 286 00:13:40,355 --> 00:13:41,854 Why wait? 287 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:44,020 This man is a loyal subject. 288 00:13:44,021 --> 00:13:46,062 Look, any army would have him, 289 00:13:46,063 --> 00:13:47,854 and yet he has not joined the rebels. 290 00:13:47,855 --> 00:13:49,312 No purple flower. 291 00:13:49,313 --> 00:13:52,229 - We cannot know who his loyal... - Greetings, peasant! 292 00:13:52,230 --> 00:13:55,062 - Great. - I am your Queen, Queen Dagan, 293 00:13:55,063 --> 00:13:57,938 and we noticed you do not wear the mauve bloom. 294 00:13:58,188 --> 00:14:00,062 - Oh, it must've fallen off. - Oh! 295 00:14:00,063 --> 00:14:01,354 - An enemy! - No, no, no. 296 00:14:01,355 --> 00:14:02,771 I just like purple flowers. 297 00:14:03,730 --> 00:14:06,980 Noticed, er, lots of people marching about wearing 'em. 298 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,480 Is it fashion? 299 00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:12,813 No, it is not fashion, it is revolution. 300 00:14:12,980 --> 00:14:16,063 Oh... well, been nice to meet you. 301 00:14:16,271 --> 00:14:19,271 Your Queen needs clothes and food. 302 00:14:20,146 --> 00:14:21,312 Please help us. 303 00:14:21,313 --> 00:14:23,063 Alright, well, I'll see what I've got. 304 00:14:23,271 --> 00:14:24,521 My name is Bobik. 305 00:14:25,063 --> 00:14:26,605 - Okay. - Right. 306 00:14:30,188 --> 00:14:31,188 Come in. 307 00:14:31,189 --> 00:14:33,063 (dramatic music) 308 00:14:33,563 --> 00:14:34,937 Here's where she took to water. 309 00:14:34,938 --> 00:14:36,646 No sign of her yet. (Joan sighs) 310 00:14:38,021 --> 00:14:40,021 There. Footprints. 311 00:14:41,730 --> 00:14:44,312 Dagan lay here, and not alone. 312 00:14:44,313 --> 00:14:45,938 Someone's helping her. 313 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,229 Someone clever. - But we thought - 314 00:14:48,230 --> 00:14:50,438 Ha, what they made you think. 315 00:14:52,896 --> 00:14:54,855 Keep searching the river. - Yes, Joan. 316 00:14:55,355 --> 00:14:56,605 I'll go east. 317 00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:58,563 I know Dagan's weaknesses. 318 00:14:58,688 --> 00:15:00,604 She'll not hide long from me. 319 00:15:00,605 --> 00:15:02,395 Thank you, Citizen Leofwine. 320 00:15:02,396 --> 00:15:04,104 Take the soldiers and get to it. 321 00:15:04,105 --> 00:15:07,229 Excuse me. Affairs of the state (chuckles). 322 00:15:07,230 --> 00:15:09,063 (paper unfolds) 323 00:15:09,688 --> 00:15:12,395 Off you go. Bring me Dagan's head. 324 00:15:12,396 --> 00:15:13,980 There's a poppet. 325 00:15:17,688 --> 00:15:20,395 So, we'll walk to Fingerstone Rock, 326 00:15:20,396 --> 00:15:22,854 and then we'll sail a boat across the sea 327 00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:25,271 to find new soldiers for the queen. (chuckles) 328 00:15:25,438 --> 00:15:27,063 Splish, splash, splosh. 329 00:15:27,188 --> 00:15:28,605 I've heard of the sea. 330 00:15:28,980 --> 00:15:32,021 It's like a puddle, but much, much wider. 331 00:15:32,271 --> 00:15:35,312 And it's salty, like when you lick your own armpit. 332 00:15:35,313 --> 00:15:37,854 (laughs) How far is this walk of yours? 333 00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:39,854 A hundred and thirty miles from here. 334 00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:41,355 (whistles) 335 00:15:42,438 --> 00:15:43,812 You're gonna need a horse. 336 00:15:43,813 --> 00:15:47,313 They all died. In the great horse plague. 337 00:15:47,605 --> 00:15:49,437 - A dragon, then. - Yeah, they're not real. 338 00:15:49,438 --> 00:15:51,479 (laughs) Fuck off. 339 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,479 - Do you have any money? - Uh-uh. 340 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,605 Food? 341 00:15:55,313 --> 00:15:57,355 Well, just these crusts you're eating. 342 00:15:57,980 --> 00:15:59,313 And a lump. 343 00:16:01,063 --> 00:16:02,271 A lump of what? 344 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:04,105 Lamb? 345 00:16:04,563 --> 00:16:06,146 Or cheese? (sniffs) 346 00:16:06,771 --> 00:16:09,146 The man I get it off never tells me. 347 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:10,770 What's your trade, Bobik? 348 00:16:10,771 --> 00:16:12,521 I'm a shit spader. 349 00:16:12,688 --> 00:16:13,938 I spade the shit. 350 00:16:14,105 --> 00:16:15,395 Not a job that needs a long explanation. 351 00:16:15,396 --> 00:16:17,979 No, there... there's more to it than most think, you know. 352 00:16:17,980 --> 00:16:21,187 There are... countless different kinds of shit. 353 00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:23,395 And no two spades the same. 354 00:16:23,396 --> 00:16:25,396 You have your basic cow shit. 355 00:16:25,563 --> 00:16:27,437 Um, you've got your runny shit, 356 00:16:27,438 --> 00:16:30,895 you've got your compacted shit, crumbly shit, 357 00:16:30,896 --> 00:16:34,605 glistening shit, young shit, old shit, frozen shit, 358 00:16:34,938 --> 00:16:37,812 grassy shit, muddy shit, waxy shit. 359 00:16:37,813 --> 00:16:40,395 You even have shit with bones in it. 360 00:16:40,396 --> 00:16:42,395 - We understand. - Mouldy shit, mossy shit, 361 00:16:42,396 --> 00:16:45,771 stringy shit, sandy shit, leafy shit, mystery shit. 362 00:16:46,521 --> 00:16:47,896 Fizzy shit. 363 00:16:48,021 --> 00:16:49,896 You get tasty shit too. - (gags) 364 00:16:50,021 --> 00:16:51,063 Where are you going? 365 00:16:53,355 --> 00:16:54,479 You have sacks. 366 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:55,938 Yeah, full of shit. 367 00:16:56,105 --> 00:16:57,396 And they clothe you. 368 00:16:57,521 --> 00:16:59,563 My Queen, we need disguises. 369 00:16:59,771 --> 00:17:03,062 We can wear sack cloth and carry powerful spades 370 00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:06,230 and pose as honest shovelers on our trek. 371 00:17:06,396 --> 00:17:09,937 And it was at that moment Queen Dagan awoke 372 00:17:09,938 --> 00:17:12,271 from her hideous nightmare. 373 00:17:16,063 --> 00:17:17,063 (sighs) 374 00:17:17,064 --> 00:17:19,104 This trek, I'll come with you. 375 00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:20,854 No. No, Bobik. 376 00:17:20,855 --> 00:17:22,645 It's bad enough having to walk next to a servant. 377 00:17:22,646 --> 00:17:24,937 But you, I don't mean to offend you here, 378 00:17:24,938 --> 00:17:28,438 but you are the lowest variety of human. 379 00:17:28,896 --> 00:17:31,021 But if I come with you, you can make me a thane. 380 00:17:31,938 --> 00:17:33,730 That's the second highest title. 381 00:17:33,896 --> 00:17:35,646 BOBIK: Well, what's the highest? 382 00:17:36,063 --> 00:17:39,355 - An earl. - Good, then I'll be an earl. 383 00:17:39,730 --> 00:17:43,645 I like the shit and I... take a great deal of pride 384 00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,562 in my spading of it, but... 385 00:17:45,563 --> 00:17:49,771 I've always fancied being, um, one of those rich fellas. 386 00:17:50,188 --> 00:17:53,730 Bobik is strong, and has skills we don't. 387 00:17:54,688 --> 00:17:56,395 (laughs nervously) 388 00:17:56,396 --> 00:17:58,188 SHULMAY: He could prove handy. 389 00:17:59,521 --> 00:18:00,813 Alright. 390 00:18:01,063 --> 00:18:03,229 Bobik, you may journey with us, 391 00:18:03,230 --> 00:18:05,813 and when I'm restored to my throne, 392 00:18:05,938 --> 00:18:08,938 I shall give you that earldom. 393 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,896 Yes! Thank you. 394 00:18:14,813 --> 00:18:16,771 (giggles) 395 00:18:18,021 --> 00:18:20,270 I'll never make an earl of Bobik. 396 00:18:20,271 --> 00:18:21,563 (giggles) 397 00:18:21,938 --> 00:18:24,229 Or you, or any lowborn. 398 00:18:24,230 --> 00:18:25,937 But I don't think we need to tell him that now. 399 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,063 It can be our little secret. 400 00:18:28,313 --> 00:18:30,396 (jaunty music) 401 00:18:30,980 --> 00:18:32,313 (fabric ripping) 402 00:18:49,730 --> 00:18:51,688 Yeah. (dramatic flute music) 403 00:18:54,438 --> 00:18:56,980 And so, the two became three. 404 00:18:57,563 --> 00:19:00,605 Queen Dagan, Shulmay, and Bobik, 405 00:19:00,980 --> 00:19:03,646 names to echo down the ages. 406 00:19:04,271 --> 00:19:06,355 As long as they didn't get caught. 407 00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:09,688 You walk like a queen, my Queen. 408 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,021 You should walk like a Bobik. 409 00:19:15,230 --> 00:19:16,563 There. 410 00:19:16,855 --> 00:19:18,562 Oh, and I'll speak peasant too. 411 00:19:18,563 --> 00:19:20,979 Once, I spoke peasant all day, 412 00:19:20,980 --> 00:19:23,355 and it really did make the thanes chuckle. 413 00:19:23,521 --> 00:19:24,855 (clears her throat) 414 00:19:25,105 --> 00:19:30,230 'Shall I milk your herd for you, kind Sir?' 415 00:19:31,146 --> 00:19:34,563 Okay, so when we meet someone, I'll do the talking. 416 00:19:35,855 --> 00:19:37,480 - Will you now? - Yeah. 417 00:19:37,605 --> 00:19:38,813 BOBIK: I'll talk too. 418 00:19:38,980 --> 00:19:40,355 I know lots of words. 419 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:41,854 I know twenty words. 420 00:19:41,855 --> 00:19:43,480 Shall we have a little practice, Bobik? 421 00:19:43,855 --> 00:19:45,730 Okay, I'm a stranger. 422 00:19:46,813 --> 00:19:48,687 Fine morning, fellow travellers. 423 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,396 Where are you going? 424 00:19:50,646 --> 00:19:52,188 We are on a journey. 425 00:19:52,313 --> 00:19:53,938 Shit spaders, I see. 426 00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:56,521 I am, yeah. She's not, she's the queen. 427 00:19:56,855 --> 00:20:00,646 We're off to meet some kings and - oh. 428 00:20:00,938 --> 00:20:02,895 So, lies are required. 429 00:20:02,896 --> 00:20:04,562 But lies are bad and wrong. 430 00:20:04,563 --> 00:20:06,437 Let's just try this again. 431 00:20:06,438 --> 00:20:08,354 Say, 'I am not Bobik.' 432 00:20:08,355 --> 00:20:09,812 But I am Bobik. 433 00:20:09,813 --> 00:20:11,188 Say it. 434 00:20:12,063 --> 00:20:17,312 I am... n... not Bobik. 435 00:20:17,313 --> 00:20:19,145 - And it's a great first go. - Pfft. 436 00:20:19,146 --> 00:20:20,354 Okay, but don't puff your cheeks out, 437 00:20:20,355 --> 00:20:22,562 'cause it gives the game away. So, again. 438 00:20:22,563 --> 00:20:24,937 I am... not Bobik. 439 00:20:24,938 --> 00:20:26,771 - Don't look up. - (groans) 440 00:20:27,063 --> 00:20:29,270 I am... not Bobik. 441 00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:30,688 Getting worse now. 442 00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,604 A traveller do come. 443 00:20:32,605 --> 00:20:34,229 MAN: Pots, pans, kettles, and cans. 444 00:20:34,230 --> 00:20:36,146 (whistling) (pots and pans clanging) 445 00:20:39,188 --> 00:20:40,520 Bobik, you're a lifelong mute. 446 00:20:40,521 --> 00:20:43,104 Without words thou be. 447 00:20:43,105 --> 00:20:44,688 None of that. 448 00:20:45,938 --> 00:20:47,521 Your Majesty. 449 00:20:49,230 --> 00:20:50,855 (cart squeaks and rumbles) 450 00:20:56,146 --> 00:20:58,771 Pots and pans, kettles and cans. 451 00:20:59,313 --> 00:21:01,313 Good day, Mr Ironmonger. 452 00:21:01,438 --> 00:21:02,770 Beautiful smithing there. 453 00:21:02,771 --> 00:21:04,812 - Thank you. - Yes, and that one is lovely. 454 00:21:04,813 --> 00:21:06,479 Love them all. - Obliged. 455 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,020 Yeah. We've no money to buy them, though, 456 00:21:08,021 --> 00:21:09,480 as we are not wealthy. 457 00:21:09,605 --> 00:21:10,771 I suppose so. 458 00:21:11,146 --> 00:21:13,354 You're three shit spaders, that much is plain. 459 00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:16,396 It is very plain that's what we are. 460 00:21:16,563 --> 00:21:19,855 Yes, all day, just shovelling away. 461 00:21:20,688 --> 00:21:22,312 Oh, my poor back! 462 00:21:22,313 --> 00:21:24,855 Sure you've got no coin, pal? (treacherous music) 463 00:21:25,313 --> 00:21:27,270 Can't tempt you with this lovely little shit pan, 464 00:21:27,271 --> 00:21:28,688 just for the small shits? 465 00:21:31,021 --> 00:21:32,563 Er, he was born without speech. 466 00:21:34,105 --> 00:21:35,313 As was she. 467 00:21:37,063 --> 00:21:38,605 Heard the big news from up the citadel? 468 00:21:39,271 --> 00:21:40,521 SHULMAY: We have not, Sir. 469 00:21:41,063 --> 00:21:42,730 It's all over for Queen Dagan. 470 00:21:43,771 --> 00:21:45,480 Humble Joan holds the realm now. 471 00:21:46,063 --> 00:21:47,188 What do you make of that? 472 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:48,813 SHULMAY: What do you make of that? 473 00:21:50,105 --> 00:21:51,188 Glorious. 474 00:21:52,188 --> 00:21:53,437 Absolutely fantastic. 475 00:21:53,438 --> 00:21:55,313 It's, it's so good. 476 00:21:55,605 --> 00:21:57,687 They say Humble Joan has some sort of dust 477 00:21:57,688 --> 00:21:59,313 that goes boom! (bang and clattering) 478 00:21:59,438 --> 00:22:02,230 Went through them walls like piss through a snowdrift. 479 00:22:02,813 --> 00:22:04,105 Good job and all. 480 00:22:04,355 --> 00:22:06,563 Dagan was a right old cow. (laughs) 481 00:22:06,771 --> 00:22:08,937 Well, let's not be too hard on her. 482 00:22:08,938 --> 00:22:10,020 She was a cow, mate. 483 00:22:10,021 --> 00:22:11,645 Like, if I were to compose a ranking list 484 00:22:11,646 --> 00:22:13,521 of my favourite evil tyrants, 485 00:22:14,146 --> 00:22:15,605 she'd never make top twenty. 486 00:22:15,730 --> 00:22:17,312 Well, we've delayed you long enough. 487 00:22:17,313 --> 00:22:19,354 Nailed on bottom five. Bottom two, even. 488 00:22:19,355 --> 00:22:20,813 SHULMAY: We really must be going. 489 00:22:20,938 --> 00:22:25,104 This way is east, isn't it? - Last place is either Dagan or- 490 00:22:25,105 --> 00:22:27,812 hmm, Magnus the Flagellator? (laughing) 491 00:22:27,813 --> 00:22:29,312 And Magnus did a lot more charity work 492 00:22:29,313 --> 00:22:30,730 than people remember. 493 00:22:31,521 --> 00:22:33,271 It's sort of overshadowed, you know? 494 00:22:34,146 --> 00:22:35,646 By the flagellations. 495 00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:37,562 Well, it's been a pleasure. 496 00:22:37,563 --> 00:22:40,230 She's not the queen. (treacherous music) 497 00:22:44,355 --> 00:22:45,605 He speaks! 498 00:22:46,688 --> 00:22:49,020 Mute all his sad life, 499 00:22:49,021 --> 00:22:51,855 and now, here on this moor, 500 00:22:52,313 --> 00:22:54,563 he magics whole phrases. 501 00:22:55,105 --> 00:22:56,646 She's not the queen. 502 00:22:57,855 --> 00:22:59,563 And he doesn't even know what they mean. 503 00:23:00,688 --> 00:23:03,229 Well, farewell, good sir, and good munging. 504 00:23:03,230 --> 00:23:07,562 Oh, hey, if you're heading east, beware a certain forest. 505 00:23:07,563 --> 00:23:09,188 (creepy music) 506 00:23:09,646 --> 00:23:10,688 What forest? 507 00:23:11,271 --> 00:23:13,188 I just told you, a certain one. 508 00:23:14,646 --> 00:23:16,230 Okay... 509 00:23:18,938 --> 00:23:20,563 (pots and pans clanging) (cart squeaking) 510 00:23:25,980 --> 00:23:28,688 If he looks behind, we have something to fear. 511 00:23:29,021 --> 00:23:30,563 (tense music) 512 00:23:39,855 --> 00:23:41,480 (sighs) All is well. 513 00:23:47,188 --> 00:23:48,896 BOBIK: It was a nice little shit pan, that. 514 00:23:54,980 --> 00:23:56,855 (upbeat music) 515 00:23:58,688 --> 00:24:00,270 I should be sitting at my desk 516 00:24:00,271 --> 00:24:02,355 having a cheeky midweek wine. 517 00:24:02,980 --> 00:24:04,688 You know I collect goblets? - Do ya? 518 00:24:04,813 --> 00:24:05,895 People think I work all the time, 519 00:24:05,896 --> 00:24:07,479 but I've got loads of interests. 520 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:11,645 Socialising, giving orders. Mmm... 521 00:24:11,646 --> 00:24:13,187 We don't even know if they came this way. 522 00:24:13,188 --> 00:24:15,021 Bloody runaway monarchs! 523 00:24:15,230 --> 00:24:17,355 So annoying! (sticks clanging) 524 00:24:19,188 --> 00:24:20,896 I know this pattern! 525 00:24:22,063 --> 00:24:23,855 They're close, Max. 526 00:24:24,563 --> 00:24:26,021 They're close. 527 00:24:27,021 --> 00:24:28,438 SHULMAY: Darkness gathers. 528 00:24:28,855 --> 00:24:30,355 We'll dwell the night here. 529 00:24:30,938 --> 00:24:33,605 I can't remember when I wasn't walking. 530 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:35,980 How long has it been? 531 00:24:36,271 --> 00:24:39,313 All day, all night, another day. 532 00:24:43,605 --> 00:24:49,604 Oh, my toes, they look like boxers' eyelids! 533 00:24:49,605 --> 00:24:52,688 I'm-I'm rancid. I'm rotting. 534 00:24:53,105 --> 00:24:56,271 My royal body requires a palace to rest in. 535 00:24:56,855 --> 00:24:57,980 - Here? - Yes. 536 00:24:58,146 --> 00:24:59,687 Make a palace happen around me. 537 00:24:59,688 --> 00:25:01,188 A good stone one. 538 00:25:02,938 --> 00:25:04,063 Okay. 539 00:25:06,438 --> 00:25:09,271 I can't sleep without my anthem, Shulmay. 540 00:25:13,063 --> 00:25:18,146 Harsh as a lion, she tramples her foes, 541 00:25:18,605 --> 00:25:20,604 raises burdensome taxes 542 00:25:20,605 --> 00:25:23,855 on their howling widows, 543 00:25:24,021 --> 00:25:28,021 Queen, Queen Dagan. 544 00:25:28,230 --> 00:25:29,854 While Queen Dagan slept, 545 00:25:29,855 --> 00:25:33,021 Humble Joan was working late at the citadel. 546 00:25:33,355 --> 00:25:36,063 Ultimate super weapons don't make themselves, you know. 547 00:25:36,271 --> 00:25:38,271 Easy does it. 548 00:25:38,438 --> 00:25:40,105 (tense music) 549 00:25:40,646 --> 00:25:42,188 Beautiful. 550 00:25:44,646 --> 00:25:47,395 It's kings and queens who yearn for portraits. 551 00:25:47,396 --> 00:25:50,395 Oh, but Joan, you're the greatest woman of the age. 552 00:25:50,396 --> 00:25:55,437 Alright, if you must, but it doesn't matter to me. 553 00:25:55,438 --> 00:25:57,021 (soft music) 554 00:25:57,605 --> 00:25:59,480 How will you do my hair? 555 00:25:59,730 --> 00:26:01,855 (footsteps approach) A message from Leofwine. 556 00:26:02,646 --> 00:26:04,771 'I'm pursuing the tyrant Dagan eastward. 557 00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:07,063 Though she's proved elusive so far, 558 00:26:07,355 --> 00:26:10,188 I expect to capture her very tremendously soon.' 559 00:26:11,105 --> 00:26:13,313 (banging) Dagan's alive. 560 00:26:13,938 --> 00:26:16,813 While her heart beats, I cannot rest easy. 561 00:26:19,146 --> 00:26:20,396 (shivering) 562 00:26:20,521 --> 00:26:22,271 DAGAN: It's damn cold out there. 563 00:26:23,063 --> 00:26:24,563 It's toasty in this palace. 564 00:26:25,355 --> 00:26:27,438 If a little... heavy. 565 00:26:27,688 --> 00:26:29,937 Would you like us to remove some stones, Your Majesty? 566 00:26:29,938 --> 00:26:32,187 DAGAN: No, no, don't be ridiculous. 567 00:26:32,188 --> 00:26:34,770 Then I'd be cold, like you. (yawns) 568 00:26:34,771 --> 00:26:36,021 Night-night. 569 00:26:37,313 --> 00:26:38,355 Shulmay. 570 00:26:38,813 --> 00:26:39,855 Bobik. 571 00:26:41,605 --> 00:26:43,313 I'm in this to be an earl. 572 00:26:44,896 --> 00:26:47,312 And Dagan's in this to get her kingdom back. 573 00:26:47,313 --> 00:26:48,938 What's in it for you? 574 00:26:50,230 --> 00:26:54,855 When I was a girl, I found myself with no family, 575 00:26:55,355 --> 00:26:57,855 nor any friends to keep me. 576 00:26:58,438 --> 00:27:02,145 So, I banged my little fists on the citadel gates 577 00:27:02,146 --> 00:27:04,312 and I begged for a job. (dramatic music) 578 00:27:04,313 --> 00:27:07,146 They made me table servant to Ur-Nammu. 579 00:27:07,396 --> 00:27:10,396 The old king, Dagan's dad. 580 00:27:11,771 --> 00:27:14,438 One night I'm sent to fetch his dinner, 581 00:27:15,563 --> 00:27:18,605 citadel's a warren, I get lost. 582 00:27:20,021 --> 00:27:22,979 Ur-Nammu's dinner comes late, and it comes cold. 583 00:27:22,980 --> 00:27:24,229 (clanging) 584 00:27:24,230 --> 00:27:28,438 So, he gives an order to feed me to his wolves. 585 00:27:31,188 --> 00:27:32,688 (wolf snarls) 586 00:27:33,980 --> 00:27:35,480 That's not very good, is it? 587 00:27:35,771 --> 00:27:39,938 His wife, Queen Fritha, bargained for my life. 588 00:27:41,230 --> 00:27:43,438 She made me a servant in her chambers. 589 00:27:43,646 --> 00:27:46,187 And for five years I stayed with her there. 590 00:27:46,188 --> 00:27:47,105 (dramatic music) 591 00:27:47,106 --> 00:27:49,480 Fritha always wore a charm around her neck. 592 00:27:50,146 --> 00:27:52,438 When the illness took her, she gave it to me. 593 00:27:53,438 --> 00:27:54,687 And she said - 594 00:27:54,688 --> 00:27:56,563 (whispers) If that girl is ever in trouble, 595 00:27:57,271 --> 00:28:01,521 (haunting music) please look after her. 596 00:28:02,605 --> 00:28:04,355 Queen Fritha always wore this. 597 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,521 It's Dagan's first baby tooth. 598 00:28:08,980 --> 00:28:11,521 Fritha saved me, and I couldn't save her. 599 00:28:14,813 --> 00:28:16,605 So, I'll save her daughter, 600 00:28:17,355 --> 00:28:19,271 whether her daughter likes it or not. 601 00:28:19,605 --> 00:28:21,271 Dagan doesn't know about this? 602 00:28:21,563 --> 00:28:23,313 She won't hear talk of her mother. 603 00:28:26,021 --> 00:28:27,355 That's just how it is. 604 00:28:28,063 --> 00:28:30,021 You're a good person, Shulmay. 605 00:28:30,313 --> 00:28:32,230 You deserve good things to happen to you. 606 00:28:34,980 --> 00:28:36,021 Yeah. 607 00:28:40,563 --> 00:28:41,605 Ni-night. 608 00:28:47,980 --> 00:28:48,813 (claps) (snorts) 609 00:28:48,814 --> 00:28:50,187 - Come on! - What? 610 00:28:50,188 --> 00:28:51,646 Sun's coming up. 611 00:28:51,813 --> 00:28:53,021 Time to get moving. 612 00:28:53,396 --> 00:28:55,813 One of us has to have some discipline around here. 613 00:28:56,730 --> 00:28:58,063 Looks like it's me. 614 00:28:59,105 --> 00:29:00,313 Off we pop! 615 00:29:01,063 --> 00:29:03,188 (light music) (birds chirping) 616 00:29:07,146 --> 00:29:09,396 This is my morning song I sing, 617 00:29:09,980 --> 00:29:11,980 in summer, winter, and in spring. 618 00:29:12,438 --> 00:29:15,021 It's made from air that I breathe in, 619 00:29:15,563 --> 00:29:18,313 and then push out my mouth again. 620 00:29:21,063 --> 00:29:23,355 Shulmay, I seek your advice. 621 00:29:23,563 --> 00:29:24,854 Lowly you may be, 622 00:29:24,855 --> 00:29:27,230 but you're what's here, so, you'll have to do. 623 00:29:27,396 --> 00:29:29,437 Hmm. Such an honour. 624 00:29:29,438 --> 00:29:33,271 King Ivarr, King Guthrum. 625 00:29:33,813 --> 00:29:38,980 I'll marry one of them to bind the alliance and make an heir. 626 00:29:40,188 --> 00:29:42,355 But which one? (dramatic music) 627 00:29:42,605 --> 00:29:46,396 Guthrum's warriors could lay waste to whole shires, 628 00:29:46,605 --> 00:29:50,605 but Ivarr's fleets could ravage hell itself. 629 00:29:50,938 --> 00:29:53,396 Choices, choices. 630 00:29:53,730 --> 00:29:54,812 They both sound delightful, 631 00:29:54,813 --> 00:29:57,146 but would your mother want you marrying either? 632 00:29:58,230 --> 00:30:00,396 What I mean to say is... - You said nothing. 633 00:30:01,105 --> 00:30:03,563 And you will never speak of that nothing, ever. 634 00:30:04,105 --> 00:30:05,604 Do you understand? (tense music) 635 00:30:05,605 --> 00:30:07,187 Yes, my Queen. 636 00:30:07,188 --> 00:30:08,730 (up tempo music) 637 00:30:13,521 --> 00:30:16,980 And all the while, the traitor, Leofwine, pursued them. 638 00:30:18,271 --> 00:30:20,813 Unrelenting, unstoppable, 639 00:30:21,230 --> 00:30:23,813 like a machine, but with great hair. 640 00:30:25,688 --> 00:30:26,688 Yeah. 641 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:29,562 Up there. 642 00:30:29,563 --> 00:30:30,980 Three of 'em. 643 00:30:40,771 --> 00:30:42,480 And... halt. 644 00:30:44,396 --> 00:30:46,771 Dinner time. (sighs) 645 00:30:47,355 --> 00:30:49,479 Ooh, hello lump. 646 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:50,563 Rip. 647 00:30:53,105 --> 00:30:54,563 - Thank you. - Hmm. 648 00:30:57,938 --> 00:30:59,146 - It's lamb. - It's cheese. 649 00:30:59,355 --> 00:31:01,437 It's all we've got to eat for the next ninety miles. 650 00:31:01,438 --> 00:31:02,896 (pig snorting) 651 00:31:05,355 --> 00:31:09,146 Why just eat when we can feast? 652 00:31:09,396 --> 00:31:10,896 (pig snorting) 653 00:31:11,563 --> 00:31:14,146 Fine pork aplenty there. 654 00:31:14,271 --> 00:31:16,480 More than enough to last us all the way. 655 00:31:16,896 --> 00:31:19,230 And this is our bait. 656 00:31:19,813 --> 00:31:21,855 Yeah, boars are nimble. 657 00:31:22,438 --> 00:31:23,729 We'll need a bow to catch it. 658 00:31:23,730 --> 00:31:25,896 I'm an incredible hunter. 659 00:31:26,105 --> 00:31:27,855 (jaunty music) 660 00:31:32,355 --> 00:31:34,937 My Queen, we used to hide in a ditch, 661 00:31:34,938 --> 00:31:37,355 and release the animals as you came past. 662 00:31:40,438 --> 00:31:41,979 Well, I still had to catch the things. 663 00:31:41,980 --> 00:31:43,479 It's not as though you lamed them. 664 00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:45,146 - Well... - Shh! 665 00:31:45,271 --> 00:31:46,855 You'll startle our prey. (pig snorting) 666 00:31:50,146 --> 00:31:53,438 (shouting) Surprise attack! (pig startles, squeals) 667 00:31:56,688 --> 00:31:59,771 Yeah, maybe don't actually say, 'surprise attack'. 668 00:31:59,896 --> 00:32:01,437 (upbeat music) 669 00:32:01,438 --> 00:32:02,521 Here we go. 670 00:32:03,355 --> 00:32:04,395 (pig snorts) 671 00:32:04,396 --> 00:32:05,938 Good piggy. 672 00:32:09,521 --> 00:32:10,980 (string snaps, twangs) 673 00:32:11,605 --> 00:32:12,605 (pig snorts) 674 00:32:13,355 --> 00:32:14,687 (stick breaks) (rock thumps) 675 00:32:14,688 --> 00:32:16,146 (pig snorts happily) 676 00:32:17,271 --> 00:32:20,521 (shouting) It's a bit fucking late now! 677 00:32:21,355 --> 00:32:22,355 Ow! 678 00:32:22,356 --> 00:32:26,020 He'll stay longer... if we leave the whole lump. 679 00:32:26,021 --> 00:32:27,813 (upbeat music) 680 00:32:33,105 --> 00:32:34,521 (pig snorts, snuffles) 681 00:32:37,980 --> 00:32:39,438 (grass rustles) 682 00:32:40,188 --> 00:32:41,230 She's gonna do it. 683 00:32:41,396 --> 00:32:42,396 (thump) 684 00:32:42,646 --> 00:32:44,230 (groans) 685 00:32:45,146 --> 00:32:46,271 (pig snorts happily) 686 00:32:49,355 --> 00:32:50,646 Urgh. 687 00:32:52,396 --> 00:32:53,730 (sighs) 688 00:32:55,021 --> 00:32:56,813 You're angry with me. 689 00:32:58,105 --> 00:33:00,229 You know, if anyone's to blame here, Shulmay... 690 00:33:00,230 --> 00:33:01,355 Really? 691 00:33:08,146 --> 00:33:10,896 If anyone's to blame here, Shulmay... 692 00:33:13,896 --> 00:33:14,896 it's me. 693 00:33:16,646 --> 00:33:18,730 And it's my fault we've no food now. 694 00:33:20,188 --> 00:33:21,480 And...? 695 00:33:22,688 --> 00:33:28,646 And I'm... sorry. 696 00:33:29,021 --> 00:33:31,230 An apology. Thank you. 697 00:33:32,396 --> 00:33:33,896 Up we get. 698 00:33:34,355 --> 00:33:36,271 No time for slackers, eh? 699 00:33:37,063 --> 00:33:38,605 (soft music) 700 00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:45,396 Shulmay, isn't it strange, 701 00:33:46,563 --> 00:33:48,771 a few days ago I didn't even know your name, 702 00:33:49,271 --> 00:33:50,605 or any servant's. 703 00:33:50,855 --> 00:33:53,188 (uplifting flute music) And now here I am. 704 00:33:54,730 --> 00:33:56,105 Here we are. 705 00:34:05,021 --> 00:34:06,520 I did a table. 706 00:34:06,521 --> 00:34:09,105 Tonight, we shall feast upon the rich flesh... 707 00:34:12,813 --> 00:34:14,313 (table crashes) 708 00:34:25,271 --> 00:34:27,021 (grass, leaves rustle) 709 00:34:28,646 --> 00:34:30,980 LEOFWINE: Dagan's pretty crown. 710 00:34:33,813 --> 00:34:34,855 This way. 711 00:34:37,896 --> 00:34:39,521 {\an8}DAGAN: Tell me about yourself, Bobik. 712 00:34:39,730 --> 00:34:41,771 {\an8}And I'll listen this time, I actually will. 713 00:34:42,105 --> 00:34:43,605 I was born in a bin. 714 00:34:44,438 --> 00:34:46,145 When we were little, we couldn't afford clothes, 715 00:34:46,146 --> 00:34:48,980 so, we made our own out of nettles. 716 00:34:49,730 --> 00:34:50,896 Ouch. 717 00:34:51,105 --> 00:34:52,688 That was my first word. 718 00:34:53,396 --> 00:34:55,438 Then there was the whole rest of my life. 719 00:34:56,813 --> 00:34:57,980 And then there's now. 720 00:34:59,230 --> 00:35:01,021 Which is the important bit, isn't it? 721 00:35:02,271 --> 00:35:03,771 Yeah, he's actually right. 722 00:35:04,105 --> 00:35:05,895 We fret so much about the future, 723 00:35:05,896 --> 00:35:07,605 or I do, anyway. 724 00:35:08,146 --> 00:35:11,146 And then when you get to the future, it's now. 725 00:35:11,855 --> 00:35:13,521 Life is made of nows. 726 00:35:13,730 --> 00:35:15,063 (ethereal music) 727 00:35:18,271 --> 00:35:21,605 It's always now. 728 00:35:24,980 --> 00:35:26,980 Such wisdom. 729 00:35:27,355 --> 00:35:29,521 There's an invisible snail of time, 730 00:35:29,938 --> 00:35:32,188 and he eats all your nows. 731 00:35:32,521 --> 00:35:34,563 The day you see him is the day you die. 732 00:35:36,313 --> 00:35:38,063 And he's called Big Liam. 733 00:35:40,271 --> 00:35:42,020 It was going so well till then. 734 00:35:42,021 --> 00:35:43,854 (upbeat music) 735 00:35:43,855 --> 00:35:46,396 Ooh, I bet they've got good pies down there. 736 00:35:46,771 --> 00:35:47,937 We've gotta eat sometime. 737 00:35:47,938 --> 00:35:49,605 DAGAN: Well, we can't enter a town. 738 00:35:50,355 --> 00:35:51,813 BOBIK: Got no money anyway. 739 00:35:52,271 --> 00:35:53,313 Got these. 740 00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:55,646 No. 741 00:35:55,855 --> 00:35:59,355 No, I'm not shovelling turds for copper coins. 742 00:36:00,063 --> 00:36:01,438 I'm just not. 743 00:36:02,896 --> 00:36:06,312 I said I'm not shovelling turds for copper coins. 744 00:36:06,313 --> 00:36:07,563 Did you hear me? 745 00:36:07,771 --> 00:36:08,854 Guys? 746 00:36:08,855 --> 00:36:10,646 (noisy market) 747 00:36:12,521 --> 00:36:13,730 (chickens clucking) 748 00:36:13,855 --> 00:36:14,938 (market sellers shouting) 749 00:36:15,271 --> 00:36:16,271 Bread! 750 00:36:16,563 --> 00:36:18,480 Only one quarter sawdust! 751 00:36:19,146 --> 00:36:20,938 - Bread! - Finest wool! 752 00:36:22,521 --> 00:36:23,854 Get your random geese! 753 00:36:23,855 --> 00:36:26,895 (bell ringing) TOWN CRIER: Oyez, oyez! 754 00:36:26,896 --> 00:36:29,854 News from the citadel. 755 00:36:29,855 --> 00:36:30,937 MAN: Shh, shh, shh. 756 00:36:30,938 --> 00:36:33,438 The siege is over. 757 00:36:33,563 --> 00:36:36,604 The victor is Humble Joan! 758 00:36:36,605 --> 00:36:38,230 (cheers) (upbeat flute music) 759 00:36:41,271 --> 00:36:44,563 - (chanting) Humble Joan! - DAGAN: Shulmay. 760 00:36:45,230 --> 00:36:47,271 Sorry, excuse me, sorry. 761 00:36:49,355 --> 00:36:50,855 Hooray! 762 00:36:52,938 --> 00:36:54,771 - Sorry. - Thank you. 763 00:36:57,355 --> 00:36:58,730 (squidging) 764 00:37:00,938 --> 00:37:03,063 DAGAN: Urgh. Yuck. (flies buzzing) 765 00:37:07,063 --> 00:37:08,813 Shit spaders for hire, you said. 766 00:37:09,021 --> 00:37:11,270 - Yeah. - You can spade shit. 767 00:37:11,271 --> 00:37:14,270 - Thank you. - You can sort of spade shit. 768 00:37:14,271 --> 00:37:16,438 But I've got no words for you. 769 00:37:16,730 --> 00:37:20,021 Pick up the pace, or nobody gets paid! 770 00:37:21,230 --> 00:37:23,770 Bobik, I need to improve! 771 00:37:23,771 --> 00:37:26,312 It takes many, many years to master the way of the spade. 772 00:37:26,313 --> 00:37:28,354 It's... it's not something you can just get across 773 00:37:28,355 --> 00:37:29,771 in an afternoon. 774 00:37:30,063 --> 00:37:31,438 Well, can we try? 775 00:37:32,938 --> 00:37:33,938 What's your song? 776 00:37:34,063 --> 00:37:35,479 Harsh as a lion... 777 00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:36,938 No, no! 778 00:37:37,146 --> 00:37:38,521 Your real song. 779 00:37:39,105 --> 00:37:40,271 Come here. 780 00:37:41,188 --> 00:37:42,313 Closer. 781 00:37:42,521 --> 00:37:44,020 Bobik not gonna hurt Dagan. 782 00:37:44,021 --> 00:37:45,438 Just close your eyes. 783 00:37:46,188 --> 00:37:47,188 Please. 784 00:37:47,896 --> 00:37:52,980 Now, I'm gonna need you to go deep inside yourself. 785 00:37:54,021 --> 00:37:55,480 (tense music) Okay? 786 00:37:55,855 --> 00:37:59,188 Now, just imagine for a second 787 00:38:00,021 --> 00:38:01,521 that you're not a queen. 788 00:38:02,438 --> 00:38:03,688 You're not a woman. 789 00:38:05,021 --> 00:38:06,855 You're not a man. 790 00:38:07,855 --> 00:38:11,896 There's no earth, there's no sky. 791 00:38:13,438 --> 00:38:17,063 It's just you, and the spade, 792 00:38:18,521 --> 00:38:20,855 and the thing what must be spaded. 793 00:38:22,146 --> 00:38:24,145 Now open your eyes. 794 00:38:24,146 --> 00:38:26,313 (whoosh) 795 00:38:29,021 --> 00:38:30,396 What do you see? 796 00:38:31,646 --> 00:38:32,855 (echoing) Me. 797 00:38:34,563 --> 00:38:36,188 Spade. 798 00:38:38,063 --> 00:38:39,605 And that huge pile. 799 00:38:40,105 --> 00:38:42,188 BOBIK; Now, there's a song inside you. 800 00:38:42,688 --> 00:38:46,105 Everyone has one, deep in their soul. 801 00:38:46,396 --> 00:38:48,146 That's your spading song. 802 00:38:48,396 --> 00:38:50,063 That's your rhythm. 803 00:38:53,105 --> 00:38:54,146 No. 804 00:38:54,771 --> 00:38:56,729 I can't hear any song, I'm sorry. 805 00:38:56,730 --> 00:38:58,020 Well, that's odd. 806 00:38:58,021 --> 00:38:59,895 Well, let's go even deeper. 807 00:38:59,896 --> 00:39:02,355 Think about something from your past. 808 00:39:02,521 --> 00:39:04,188 SHULMAY: Not a good idea. 809 00:39:04,605 --> 00:39:06,979 BOBIK: It'll be fine. Bobik's got this. 810 00:39:06,980 --> 00:39:08,437 SHULMAY: Well, does he, though? 811 00:39:08,438 --> 00:39:10,105 DAGAN: Not helping. 812 00:39:10,271 --> 00:39:13,188 BOBIK: Trust me. Close your eyes again. 813 00:39:14,063 --> 00:39:15,896 (chanting music) 814 00:39:16,355 --> 00:39:18,438 Go even deeper inside. 815 00:39:19,355 --> 00:39:20,938 Deep as it goes. 816 00:39:24,105 --> 00:39:26,062 (whooshing) 817 00:39:26,063 --> 00:39:27,771 (humming) 818 00:39:31,730 --> 00:39:32,980 (sludge squelching) 819 00:39:38,438 --> 00:39:40,188 See? I told you. 820 00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:42,562 YOUNG DAGAN: (screaming) Mum! Mum! Mum! 821 00:39:42,563 --> 00:39:44,521 (screaming) 822 00:39:45,605 --> 00:39:46,605 No! 823 00:39:46,730 --> 00:39:51,646 La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la - la-la-la... 824 00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:54,855 (spade snaps) 825 00:39:55,813 --> 00:39:57,188 What's the racket? 826 00:39:59,105 --> 00:40:03,437 What shit spader breaks their own shit spade? 827 00:40:03,438 --> 00:40:05,395 Leathermaker, we will redouble our efforts. 828 00:40:05,396 --> 00:40:07,104 You'll redouble your efforts to fuck off. 829 00:40:07,105 --> 00:40:09,355 - SHULMAY: Kind leathermaker... - Fuck off! 830 00:40:09,563 --> 00:40:10,730 Brilliant. 831 00:40:11,730 --> 00:40:13,521 How we gonna earn coin now? 832 00:40:13,896 --> 00:40:15,938 DAGAN: My only talent is being a queen. 833 00:40:16,688 --> 00:40:20,646 SHULMAY: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. 834 00:40:20,813 --> 00:40:23,312 Since the death of Ur-Nammu the Great, 835 00:40:23,313 --> 00:40:27,855 you have been oppressed by his horrendous daughter, 836 00:40:28,021 --> 00:40:31,854 the selfish, arrogant, stuck-up little child queen, 837 00:40:31,855 --> 00:40:33,854 despised by all. 838 00:40:33,855 --> 00:40:37,020 Now is the time for sweet revenge. 839 00:40:37,021 --> 00:40:39,855 I present to you Queen Dagan. 840 00:40:39,980 --> 00:40:43,229 (booing) DAGAN: You low, low wretches, 841 00:40:43,230 --> 00:40:45,895 you poo gobbling serfs, 842 00:40:45,896 --> 00:40:47,979 puss-encrusted bell-ends. (public laughing) 843 00:40:47,980 --> 00:40:50,479 Who dares to defame your queen? 844 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:52,520 SHULMAY: Pelt the Queen with rocks. 845 00:40:52,521 --> 00:40:54,520 One for a farthing, six for a penny. 846 00:40:54,521 --> 00:40:56,063 What great value. 847 00:40:56,230 --> 00:40:58,230 Here is a farthing. 848 00:40:59,563 --> 00:41:01,270 (rock hits the target) (cheering) 849 00:41:01,271 --> 00:41:02,895 DAGAN: Who threw that? 850 00:41:02,896 --> 00:41:05,937 Suck my fat scorn, you maggoty churl. 851 00:41:05,938 --> 00:41:09,271 I'll open your head and stab you in the fucking mind. 852 00:41:09,730 --> 00:41:12,354 I'll hang your balls from a spike 853 00:41:12,355 --> 00:41:15,062 so, everybody can see how tiny they are. 854 00:41:15,063 --> 00:41:18,855 (laughing) Very, very, very tiny balls. 855 00:41:19,063 --> 00:41:20,063 It's Bobik. 856 00:41:20,064 --> 00:41:22,562 I heard her speak once and she sounded just like that. 857 00:41:22,563 --> 00:41:24,104 Do her some damage. 858 00:41:24,105 --> 00:41:26,354 Six for a penny. (cheers) 859 00:41:26,355 --> 00:41:27,813 (coins jangling) 860 00:41:28,313 --> 00:41:30,729 (rock hits the target) (cheering) 861 00:41:30,730 --> 00:41:32,145 (coins jangling) (rocks pelting) 862 00:41:32,146 --> 00:41:35,270 DAGAN: Is that all you've got, you cock-sucking witches? 863 00:41:35,271 --> 00:41:36,188 (target smashes) (cheering) 864 00:41:36,189 --> 00:41:37,605 (cheering) 865 00:41:37,938 --> 00:41:40,979 I was a superb puppeteer, was I not? 866 00:41:40,980 --> 00:41:42,020 Fantastic. 867 00:41:42,021 --> 00:41:44,855 - How good was I, Bobik? - You were absolutely shit. 868 00:41:48,146 --> 00:41:50,188 (laughing) 869 00:41:50,646 --> 00:41:51,979 You're doing a jest. 870 00:41:51,980 --> 00:41:53,062 That I am. 871 00:41:53,063 --> 00:41:55,354 - And a great one at that. - Thank you. 872 00:41:55,355 --> 00:41:56,979 Well, we've earned enough for food. 873 00:41:56,980 --> 00:41:58,062 And beer. 874 00:41:58,063 --> 00:42:00,770 And toenail paint, which I'm not convinced that we need. 875 00:42:00,771 --> 00:42:02,979 I need it, Shulmay, I just do. 876 00:42:02,980 --> 00:42:04,646 It's a queen thing, judge me not. 877 00:42:04,813 --> 00:42:06,021 (clearing throat) 878 00:42:07,021 --> 00:42:08,438 Help. 879 00:42:09,271 --> 00:42:11,396 SHULMAY: She likes you. Smile back. 880 00:42:13,271 --> 00:42:14,396 (growls) 881 00:42:15,396 --> 00:42:16,605 SHULMAY: You flirted, Bobik. 882 00:42:17,021 --> 00:42:19,354 People who don't smell get to do that now and then. 883 00:42:19,355 --> 00:42:21,895 So, we take the Great East Road from here, 884 00:42:21,896 --> 00:42:24,271 and then it's a few days to Fingerstone Rock. 885 00:42:24,438 --> 00:42:26,270 Then we're out across the sea. 886 00:42:26,271 --> 00:42:27,895 We're halfway to salvation. 887 00:42:27,896 --> 00:42:31,771 And I'm still wearing this little chap. 888 00:42:33,646 --> 00:42:34,979 Boop. (giggles) 889 00:42:34,980 --> 00:42:37,605 And it's safe so long as I have my friends. 890 00:42:38,896 --> 00:42:42,188 I said that exact thing only a week ago to others. 891 00:42:42,813 --> 00:42:44,688 And then they tried to murder me. 892 00:42:45,605 --> 00:42:46,646 Urgh. 893 00:42:47,730 --> 00:42:52,271 You two haven't murdered me, not even a tiny bit. 894 00:42:53,021 --> 00:42:54,229 We're your friends. 895 00:42:54,230 --> 00:42:56,855 Best friends, forever. 896 00:42:57,063 --> 00:42:59,271 Even though you're both very, very common. 897 00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:00,895 And when I'm back on my throne, 898 00:43:00,896 --> 00:43:05,146 I shall rain riches and titles on you both. 899 00:43:05,396 --> 00:43:06,396 You said that before. 900 00:43:06,397 --> 00:43:08,396 Yes, but I was fibbing then. I mean it now. 901 00:43:09,063 --> 00:43:10,355 To friendship. 902 00:43:11,605 --> 00:43:12,812 (cheers) 903 00:43:12,813 --> 00:43:14,562 Shulmay, what's your song? 904 00:43:14,563 --> 00:43:16,604 I dunno. Don't have one probably. 905 00:43:16,605 --> 00:43:17,895 Everyone's got one. 906 00:43:17,896 --> 00:43:19,270 The tooth in the bottle. 907 00:43:19,271 --> 00:43:21,187 I mean, there must be a story there. 908 00:43:21,188 --> 00:43:22,855 (gasps) Let me guess. 909 00:43:23,188 --> 00:43:25,270 Oh, it's the tooth of your long-lost sweetheart. 910 00:43:25,271 --> 00:43:27,521 And we can help you win him back. 911 00:43:27,688 --> 00:43:29,270 Bobik, that'll be our next adventure. 912 00:43:29,271 --> 00:43:31,438 - It's just a tooth. (laughs) - It's your tooth. 913 00:43:32,146 --> 00:43:35,063 Your mum, Queen Fritha, gave it to Shulmay, 914 00:43:35,230 --> 00:43:37,562 and Shulmay made a promise to look after you, 915 00:43:37,563 --> 00:43:39,521 'cau...'cause your mum saved Shulmay... 916 00:43:42,188 --> 00:43:43,438 (laughs nervously) 917 00:43:43,688 --> 00:43:45,396 Beer... beer made me say that. 918 00:43:46,146 --> 00:43:47,520 Is that true, Shulmay? 919 00:43:47,521 --> 00:43:48,855 (upbeat flute music) 920 00:43:49,688 --> 00:43:51,105 You're not loyal to me. 921 00:43:51,355 --> 00:43:52,730 You're not my friend. 922 00:43:53,438 --> 00:43:54,937 You're just a friend of my mother's. 923 00:43:54,938 --> 00:43:57,605 - She was a good woman, Dagan. - She locked herself in a tower. 924 00:43:58,313 --> 00:43:59,896 She refused to see me. 925 00:44:00,355 --> 00:44:03,104 I was abandoned, forsaken. - No, because... 926 00:44:03,105 --> 00:44:04,812 Speak no more of that woman! 927 00:44:04,813 --> 00:44:06,355 (pub falls silent) 928 00:44:06,521 --> 00:44:07,480 (Bobik clears his throat) 929 00:44:07,481 --> 00:44:10,771 Okay, we're getting attention. We need to leave, quietly. 930 00:44:12,105 --> 00:44:13,188 Don't look. 931 00:44:14,521 --> 00:44:15,895 (treacherous music) DAGAN: Leofwine. 932 00:44:15,896 --> 00:44:18,145 Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. 933 00:44:18,146 --> 00:44:20,063 She doesn't know you. Distract her. 934 00:44:21,188 --> 00:44:22,188 How? 935 00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:24,646 LEOFWINE: You're not even looking properly. Look at it. 936 00:44:25,396 --> 00:44:28,812 Oh God, your breath is like a badger's arse. 937 00:44:28,813 --> 00:44:29,896 Hello. 938 00:44:31,855 --> 00:44:32,896 Madame. 939 00:44:34,063 --> 00:44:38,521 You are a super fine lady. 940 00:44:39,563 --> 00:44:42,313 And this is me telling you that. 941 00:44:42,896 --> 00:44:44,521 (beer pouring on floor) 942 00:44:45,146 --> 00:44:47,355 That was beer, it wasn't a sudden gush of piss. 943 00:44:51,896 --> 00:44:55,688 This is an interaction of some kind, but what exactly? 944 00:44:55,938 --> 00:44:57,563 It's my new thing. 945 00:44:57,855 --> 00:44:59,230 It's called flirting. 946 00:45:00,146 --> 00:45:01,521 Is it going well? 947 00:45:01,730 --> 00:45:02,896 (sword swishes) Whoa. 948 00:45:03,438 --> 00:45:06,146 - Can it stop? - Oh, yeah. 949 00:45:07,146 --> 00:45:08,938 Oh, sorry, sorry. 950 00:45:15,188 --> 00:45:16,188 You. 951 00:45:17,730 --> 00:45:19,105 Have you seen this woman? 952 00:45:19,771 --> 00:45:23,520 Is there a way east which isn't the Great East Road? 953 00:45:23,521 --> 00:45:25,770 A way that's, er, much quicker, 954 00:45:25,771 --> 00:45:29,313 but at the same time isn't used by anyone at all? 955 00:45:29,521 --> 00:45:31,355 There is such a way. 956 00:45:32,105 --> 00:45:35,105 There's a certain forest. (eerie sounds) 957 00:45:36,438 --> 00:45:38,521 You don't wanna go through there. 958 00:45:38,646 --> 00:45:40,646 SHULMAY: We've heard about this certain forest. 959 00:45:40,938 --> 00:45:43,230 What's so bad about it? - The Man-Wolf. (bang) 960 00:45:43,605 --> 00:45:47,813 Ur-Nammu the Great loved his wolves, 961 00:45:48,021 --> 00:45:50,146 more than his own daughter even. 962 00:45:50,646 --> 00:45:55,979 Story goes he tried to make a Man-Wolf companion 963 00:45:55,980 --> 00:45:58,687 by unnatural means. 964 00:45:58,688 --> 00:46:00,895 First, a fella was kidnapped, 965 00:46:00,896 --> 00:46:04,188 then Ur-Nammu transformed this poor man 966 00:46:04,355 --> 00:46:05,979 with hexes and the like. 967 00:46:05,980 --> 00:46:07,896 DAGAN: And I'm guessing that went badly. 968 00:46:08,021 --> 00:46:09,187 Or are you going to surprise me 969 00:46:09,188 --> 00:46:10,980 and say it went really well? - No! 970 00:46:11,230 --> 00:46:16,104 It was a monster made with magic only a king can undo. 971 00:46:16,105 --> 00:46:19,146 And it dwells in those woods still, 972 00:46:19,813 --> 00:46:23,437 feasting on the fools who take the forest path. 973 00:46:23,438 --> 00:46:26,729 Them what don't believe the beast is real! 974 00:46:26,730 --> 00:46:28,850 (people shouting excitedly) WOMAN: Humble Joan's here! 975 00:46:29,980 --> 00:46:32,438 Oh no, not her as well. 976 00:46:33,813 --> 00:46:36,062 MAN: Humble Joan is here! 977 00:46:36,063 --> 00:46:37,312 WOMAN: It's Humble Joan! 978 00:46:37,313 --> 00:46:38,854 (chanting) Humble Joan, Humble Joan, 979 00:46:38,855 --> 00:46:44,855 Humble Joan, Humble Joan, Humble Joan... 980 00:46:46,021 --> 00:46:48,521 Humble Joan, Humble Joan, 981 00:46:48,730 --> 00:46:53,438 Humble Joan, Humble Joan, Humble Joan, Humble Joan... 982 00:46:53,771 --> 00:46:54,980 (crowd falls silent) 983 00:46:55,313 --> 00:46:56,855 Good citizens... 984 00:46:57,646 --> 00:46:59,812 five days now since Dagan fell, 985 00:46:59,813 --> 00:47:02,604 and with her the crooked laws, 986 00:47:02,605 --> 00:47:05,937 which stole the wealth of this land from you, the people. 987 00:47:05,938 --> 00:47:08,271 (cheering) 988 00:47:09,730 --> 00:47:11,605 And yet Dagan lives. 989 00:47:12,271 --> 00:47:13,520 She stalks our fields. 990 00:47:13,521 --> 00:47:14,812 No! JOAN: Our lanes. 991 00:47:14,813 --> 00:47:16,230 CROWD: No! 992 00:47:16,355 --> 00:47:18,605 I have heard she lurks here, in the east, 993 00:47:18,980 --> 00:47:20,937 and hopes to win her throne again. 994 00:47:20,938 --> 00:47:22,438 CROWD: Never! 995 00:47:22,688 --> 00:47:24,438 JOAN: To pillage and to murder. 996 00:47:24,688 --> 00:47:28,062 And I've heard she's done poos in your wells. 997 00:47:28,063 --> 00:47:29,980 (crowd cries) 998 00:47:31,105 --> 00:47:32,646 DAGAN: She doesn't do that. 999 00:47:32,896 --> 00:47:34,980 300 silver marks, 1000 00:47:36,021 --> 00:47:37,646 a lifetime's pay, 1001 00:47:38,646 --> 00:47:42,438 all for the one who brings me Dagan, alive or dead. 1002 00:47:42,771 --> 00:47:44,020 (cheers) 1003 00:47:44,021 --> 00:47:46,271 The people are the heroes now. 1004 00:47:46,438 --> 00:47:48,105 (loud cheering) 1005 00:47:49,730 --> 00:47:51,813 MAN: Put her head on a spike. 1006 00:47:54,646 --> 00:47:56,437 SHULMAY: Quick, Dagan, this way. 1007 00:47:56,438 --> 00:47:57,895 (people shouting murderously) 1008 00:47:57,896 --> 00:47:59,563 (drum beating) 1009 00:48:10,188 --> 00:48:13,813 Stop it! She's here. 1010 00:48:15,771 --> 00:48:17,271 She's here. 1011 00:48:18,521 --> 00:48:21,104 The little piggy princess. 1012 00:48:21,105 --> 00:48:22,396 Bobik! 1013 00:48:23,980 --> 00:48:25,480 Bobik! - Yeah? No. 1014 00:48:27,355 --> 00:48:29,312 Is that woman gone? - Yes, come on! 1015 00:48:29,313 --> 00:48:31,563 Scary. But lovely hair. 1016 00:48:32,271 --> 00:48:36,771 So, they took the path where nobody goes, 1017 00:48:36,980 --> 00:48:39,438 (eerie music) into a certain forest. 1018 00:48:40,605 --> 00:48:42,104 SHULMAY: Man-Wolf. (laughs) 1019 00:48:42,105 --> 00:48:44,230 No. No, such thing. 1020 00:48:44,896 --> 00:48:46,396 Absolutely not, no. 1021 00:48:47,396 --> 00:48:48,480 No way. 1022 00:48:48,646 --> 00:48:50,312 Stay on the path. (laughs nervously) 1023 00:48:50,313 --> 00:48:51,771 Never leave the path. 1024 00:48:51,938 --> 00:48:55,312 Bobik, tell this woman she has us utterly lost. 1025 00:48:55,313 --> 00:48:56,980 You still not talking to her? 1026 00:48:57,105 --> 00:49:00,187 Well, I'll travel with her if I must. 1027 00:49:00,188 --> 00:49:02,895 But it's my mother she loves. 1028 00:49:02,896 --> 00:49:06,270 So, all former relations are severed. 1029 00:49:06,271 --> 00:49:07,980 I liked it when we were in the pub. 1030 00:49:08,105 --> 00:49:08,938 There was beer. 1031 00:49:08,939 --> 00:49:11,812 If it cheers you up, Bobik, you can have an extra county 1032 00:49:11,813 --> 00:49:13,354 on your earldom. - Whoa. 1033 00:49:13,355 --> 00:49:15,646 Hey, will there be ale in this county? 1034 00:49:15,813 --> 00:49:17,020 All the ale you can guzzle. 1035 00:49:17,021 --> 00:49:18,354 What, and pies? 1036 00:49:18,355 --> 00:49:20,521 - Pies too. - What kind of pies? 1037 00:49:21,105 --> 00:49:23,187 - All the pies you can imagine. - Wow! 1038 00:49:23,188 --> 00:49:25,354 Well, hey, I can imagine a great many 1039 00:49:25,355 --> 00:49:26,479 different kinds of pies. 1040 00:49:26,480 --> 00:49:28,479 I'm sure you can, but there's no need to list them. 1041 00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:29,937 You've got apple pie, mutton pie. 1042 00:49:29,938 --> 00:49:32,062 - Here we go. - Elderberry pie, venison pie. 1043 00:49:32,063 --> 00:49:33,187 - Yeah. - Rabbit pie. 1044 00:49:33,188 --> 00:49:34,854 - Rabbit pie's a nice pie. - Mm-hmm. 1045 00:49:34,855 --> 00:49:36,855 But then, of course, you have all the fish pies. 1046 00:49:37,063 --> 00:49:39,605 Imagine for a moment any fish in the river, 1047 00:49:39,855 --> 00:49:41,688 and then just say the word 'pie' after it. 1048 00:49:41,813 --> 00:49:43,980 - Got it. - Go on, have a go. Give me one. 1049 00:49:44,855 --> 00:49:46,020 - Trout. - Trout pie, yes. 1050 00:49:46,021 --> 00:49:47,812 Salmon pie. Now, eel pie is very... 1051 00:49:47,813 --> 00:49:49,270 (banging sound) What's that? 1052 00:49:49,271 --> 00:49:50,937 (eerie music) (wolf hows) 1053 00:49:50,938 --> 00:49:53,396 (Bobik shudders) 1054 00:49:54,271 --> 00:49:56,730 Are we standing in the lair of the deadly Man-Wolf? 1055 00:49:59,230 --> 00:50:01,062 I command you not to panic. But yes, yes, we are. 1056 00:50:01,063 --> 00:50:02,312 (Bobik cries) (stabbing sound) 1057 00:50:02,313 --> 00:50:04,271 (Dagan gasps) Hey, please don't leave me! 1058 00:50:05,896 --> 00:50:09,105 Circle of safety, circle of safety, circle of safety, 1059 00:50:09,230 --> 00:50:10,480 circle of safety! - Oh, God! 1060 00:50:10,605 --> 00:50:11,980 Oh, Gods, whatever! 1061 00:50:15,188 --> 00:50:16,312 LEATHERSMITH: Halt. (screams) 1062 00:50:16,313 --> 00:50:17,395 (tense music) 1063 00:50:17,396 --> 00:50:19,105 You were no shit spader. 1064 00:50:19,646 --> 00:50:20,813 That I could tell. 1065 00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:24,354 Then I saw that panting, you with the crown. 1066 00:50:24,355 --> 00:50:26,605 No, no, I'm Hilda. 1067 00:50:26,980 --> 00:50:29,063 I... I'm a travelling merchant. 1068 00:50:29,271 --> 00:50:30,396 Let's walk. 1069 00:50:31,230 --> 00:50:32,812 300 silver marks will buy me all the... 1070 00:50:32,813 --> 00:50:34,230 (stabbing sound) 1071 00:50:34,730 --> 00:50:36,438 (groans, thud) 1072 00:50:36,563 --> 00:50:37,521 Huh? 1073 00:50:37,522 --> 00:50:39,687 Saw him creep off with his long sword, 1074 00:50:39,688 --> 00:50:41,063 like he knew something. 1075 00:50:41,730 --> 00:50:43,563 And he led me all the way to you... 1076 00:50:44,563 --> 00:50:45,938 Your Majesty. 1077 00:50:46,271 --> 00:50:48,479 (whispers) Gods and ancestors, assist me now. 1078 00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:49,896 MAN: Don't waste your breathe. 1079 00:50:50,021 --> 00:50:52,479 My 300 silver marks will... (stabbing sound) 1080 00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:53,771 (groans) 1081 00:51:00,105 --> 00:51:01,730 (thud) Oh, my... 1082 00:51:01,855 --> 00:51:02,688 (pulling axe out) 1083 00:51:02,689 --> 00:51:07,687 Couldn't let him be the one to catch the great Queen Dagan. 1084 00:51:07,688 --> 00:51:10,855 And now, 300 silver... (stabbing sound) 1085 00:51:12,313 --> 00:51:14,813 (groans) 1086 00:51:15,855 --> 00:51:17,395 (thuds) Ludicrous! 1087 00:51:17,396 --> 00:51:19,396 That leathermaker tried to send us north. 1088 00:51:20,021 --> 00:51:21,563 But we figured out his game. 1089 00:51:22,105 --> 00:51:24,354 And those 300 silver marks... (stabbing sound) 1090 00:51:24,355 --> 00:51:25,938 (choking) 1091 00:51:27,188 --> 00:51:28,312 (Dagan squeals) (thuds) 1092 00:51:28,313 --> 00:51:29,730 (pulling sword out) 1093 00:51:30,605 --> 00:51:32,395 - Shall be mi... - Argh! 1094 00:51:32,396 --> 00:51:34,104 (stabbing sound) (choking) 1095 00:51:34,105 --> 00:51:35,312 (pulling sword out) (thuds) 1096 00:51:35,313 --> 00:51:36,563 No, you don't. 1097 00:51:36,896 --> 00:51:41,270 You are a difficult person to track down and behead. 1098 00:51:41,271 --> 00:51:42,730 (treacherous music) 1099 00:51:44,105 --> 00:51:45,229 If you want to talk your way out of this, 1100 00:51:45,230 --> 00:51:46,521 now's your chance. 1101 00:51:48,146 --> 00:51:49,230 Leofwine... 1102 00:51:50,396 --> 00:51:53,645 I mean, we go way back, and I thought... 1103 00:51:53,646 --> 00:51:55,771 Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee... 1104 00:51:58,646 --> 00:51:59,646 Carry on. 1105 00:52:01,438 --> 00:52:02,479 (treacherous music) 1106 00:52:02,480 --> 00:52:04,187 You know, maybe we could just... 1107 00:52:04,188 --> 00:52:08,271 - Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee... - (scoffs) 1108 00:52:08,563 --> 00:52:11,521 Dear sweet, stupid, 1109 00:52:11,730 --> 00:52:15,563 stupid, stupid 1110 00:52:16,021 --> 00:52:18,062 Dagan! - You won't escape this. 1111 00:52:18,063 --> 00:52:19,646 The mighty Bobik. 1112 00:52:19,771 --> 00:52:22,395 He'll be here any moment. 1113 00:52:22,396 --> 00:52:24,687 Circle of safety, circle of safety. 1114 00:52:24,688 --> 00:52:26,271 (owl hoots in the silence) 1115 00:52:28,480 --> 00:52:30,229 Nobody's coming for you. (wimpers) 1116 00:52:30,230 --> 00:52:31,479 Leofwine, listen! 1117 00:52:31,480 --> 00:52:34,896 Humble Joan, she'll just cast you aside as soon as she can. 1118 00:52:35,271 --> 00:52:36,396 She can't. 1119 00:52:38,855 --> 00:52:40,896 You don't think Joan's in charge, do you? 1120 00:52:41,063 --> 00:52:43,312 People like you and her, you don't actually govern. 1121 00:52:43,313 --> 00:52:45,146 People like me do that. 1122 00:52:45,688 --> 00:52:47,521 I gather taxes, 1123 00:52:47,730 --> 00:52:49,271 I pay the druids, 1124 00:52:49,396 --> 00:52:50,854 I burn the druids, 1125 00:52:50,855 --> 00:52:53,229 I hire cheaper, new druids. 1126 00:52:53,230 --> 00:52:56,355 I run the show, and I always did. 1127 00:52:57,021 --> 00:52:58,771 (dramatic music) 1128 00:52:59,480 --> 00:53:01,563 Urgh! (stabbing sound) 1129 00:53:04,021 --> 00:53:05,188 You... 1130 00:53:09,313 --> 00:53:10,605 You should have... 1131 00:53:14,855 --> 00:53:16,146 (thuds) 1132 00:53:26,563 --> 00:53:28,271 - She's dead. - joined me! 1133 00:53:28,438 --> 00:53:30,146 I had so many plans. 1134 00:53:32,563 --> 00:53:35,480 (gurgling) All dust now. 1135 00:53:35,605 --> 00:53:36,605 (chokes) 1136 00:53:37,063 --> 00:53:39,896 Dust... now. 1137 00:53:43,271 --> 00:53:44,355 (sighs) 1138 00:53:45,146 --> 00:53:46,938 - She's dead. - No! 1139 00:53:47,438 --> 00:53:53,146 I'm alive, Dagan, I'm still alive. 1140 00:53:55,771 --> 00:53:57,646 - Now... - (coughing) 1141 00:54:00,438 --> 00:54:01,896 DAGAN: Oh, for God's sake. 1142 00:54:02,105 --> 00:54:03,730 (dramatic music) 1143 00:54:09,063 --> 00:54:11,021 (women sighing) 1144 00:54:12,355 --> 00:54:14,646 I've actually literally wet my breeches. 1145 00:54:16,438 --> 00:54:18,355 The queen has moistened herself. 1146 00:54:19,480 --> 00:54:22,062 At least that man-wolf never showed up. 1147 00:54:22,063 --> 00:54:24,563 (wolf-man growls) (women screaming) 1148 00:54:24,688 --> 00:54:25,813 Shulmay! 1149 00:54:27,438 --> 00:54:29,604 I'm coming, Shulmay! (wolf-man snarls) 1150 00:54:29,605 --> 00:54:32,395 Get your hands off my friend! 1151 00:54:32,396 --> 00:54:35,980 (smashing, slashing, tearing) 1152 00:54:39,230 --> 00:54:40,646 Urgh! 1153 00:54:40,771 --> 00:54:42,938 (wolf-man gurgles, laughs) (babbles) 1154 00:54:48,813 --> 00:54:50,646 Relax. 1155 00:54:52,605 --> 00:54:54,021 It's broken. 1156 00:54:55,730 --> 00:54:58,480 Your crown broke the spell. 1157 00:54:59,813 --> 00:55:01,438 (both gasping) 1158 00:55:03,438 --> 00:55:05,188 I can return to my family. 1159 00:55:06,313 --> 00:55:08,688 Thank you for setting me free. 1160 00:55:14,563 --> 00:55:16,105 Hey, you alright, Clive? 1161 00:55:17,188 --> 00:55:18,605 I ain't seen you in years. 1162 00:55:19,938 --> 00:55:21,021 You're looking well. 1163 00:55:22,355 --> 00:55:24,813 Shulmay, are you hurt? 1164 00:55:25,021 --> 00:55:26,396 You came to save me. 1165 00:55:26,563 --> 00:55:28,937 You took off your crown for a lowly wretch like me. 1166 00:55:28,938 --> 00:55:30,938 Oh, but what a wretch. 1167 00:55:31,605 --> 00:55:33,688 What a wretch. 1168 00:55:33,855 --> 00:55:36,105 (laughs) (upbeat music) 1169 00:55:36,313 --> 00:55:37,313 (high tempo music) 1170 00:55:37,314 --> 00:55:39,270 With that huge bounty on your head, we won't get far, 1171 00:55:39,271 --> 00:55:41,520 but Leofwine's a close enough match for you. 1172 00:55:41,521 --> 00:55:43,104 We still have your scarlet robes. 1173 00:55:43,105 --> 00:55:45,730 If she's found in them, the hunt for the Queen ends. 1174 00:55:45,938 --> 00:55:47,770 But we have different faces. 1175 00:55:47,771 --> 00:55:49,895 Yes, but this is craggy country. 1176 00:55:49,896 --> 00:55:52,813 We'll find a cliff and drop her off a decent height. 1177 00:55:54,313 --> 00:55:55,521 I get it. 1178 00:55:55,688 --> 00:55:58,604 If Leofwine's head lands on a hard surface, 1179 00:55:58,605 --> 00:56:00,979 then her face will be all blown inside out 1180 00:56:00,980 --> 00:56:03,688 and splintered, crushed. (gagging) 1181 00:56:04,521 --> 00:56:07,563 SHULMAY: See? Put her in the gown, she's almost you. 1182 00:56:07,855 --> 00:56:09,313 Just the face to think about. 1183 00:56:10,896 --> 00:56:11,730 Hmm. 1184 00:56:11,731 --> 00:56:14,146 This here drop should do the job on that. 1185 00:56:14,771 --> 00:56:16,563 (grunting) Okay. 1186 00:56:17,938 --> 00:56:19,812 But she has to land correctly. 1187 00:56:19,813 --> 00:56:22,480 So, we... we've gotta drop her this way, then. 1188 00:56:22,855 --> 00:56:24,480 No, like this. 1189 00:56:25,396 --> 00:56:27,729 Legs first, 'cause she'll flip as she falls. 1190 00:56:27,730 --> 00:56:29,979 No, sideways, with a touch of spin. 1191 00:56:29,980 --> 00:56:32,604 - No, headfirst. - You haven't done this before. 1192 00:56:32,605 --> 00:56:34,021 Neither have you. 1193 00:56:34,480 --> 00:56:36,771 Alright, sideways with a touch of spin. 1194 00:56:37,521 --> 00:56:38,563 Okay. 1195 00:56:38,980 --> 00:56:39,980 You got her? - Yeah. 1196 00:56:39,981 --> 00:56:41,063 Ready? 1197 00:56:41,271 --> 00:56:45,105 One, two, three. 1198 00:56:46,146 --> 00:56:47,354 (gown flapping) 1199 00:56:47,355 --> 00:56:48,896 (loud thump) 1200 00:56:50,271 --> 00:56:51,521 Hmm. 1201 00:56:52,896 --> 00:56:54,854 Do we have to go down and fetch her up? 1202 00:56:54,855 --> 00:56:56,562 Yes. Yes, we do. 1203 00:56:56,563 --> 00:56:58,521 (upbeat flute music) 1204 00:57:00,730 --> 00:57:01,896 (grunting) 1205 00:57:02,813 --> 00:57:05,063 Okay, headfirst. 1206 00:57:05,813 --> 00:57:09,062 One, two, three. 1207 00:57:09,063 --> 00:57:10,521 (gown flapping) 1208 00:57:10,855 --> 00:57:12,020 (loud thump) 1209 00:57:12,021 --> 00:57:13,105 What?! 1210 00:57:14,271 --> 00:57:16,230 She flipped as she fell, I did say. 1211 00:57:16,438 --> 00:57:19,021 - He did say. - No, there was a sudden gust. 1212 00:57:19,896 --> 00:57:21,062 Yeah, one more time. 1213 00:57:21,063 --> 00:57:22,355 Alright. 1214 00:57:25,230 --> 00:57:26,895 Urgh, how are we gonna pick her up? 1215 00:57:26,896 --> 00:57:29,146 BOBIK: She's very slightly damaged. 1216 00:57:29,896 --> 00:57:31,396 (gagging) 1217 00:57:32,896 --> 00:57:34,216 I think I've worked something out. 1218 00:57:34,855 --> 00:57:37,312 Dagan often talks about nailing her foes to trees 1219 00:57:37,313 --> 00:57:40,855 and opening up their guts and other such japes. 1220 00:57:41,313 --> 00:57:43,354 When this kind of stuff happens in front of her... 1221 00:57:43,355 --> 00:57:45,312 - She doesn't much like it. - No, she doesn't. 1222 00:57:45,313 --> 00:57:46,521 Lies! 1223 00:57:46,855 --> 00:57:48,438 I am hard as horn. 1224 00:57:49,563 --> 00:57:52,395 In my youth, my father made me watch such things. 1225 00:57:52,396 --> 00:57:53,480 (treacherous music) 1226 00:57:54,271 --> 00:57:56,937 MAN: No! No, no, no, please, Your Majesty! 1227 00:57:56,938 --> 00:57:58,855 No, no, no! I beg you! 1228 00:57:59,563 --> 00:58:00,813 Please, no! 1229 00:58:02,021 --> 00:58:03,687 No! (sizzling) No! 1230 00:58:03,688 --> 00:58:04,605 No! 1231 00:58:04,606 --> 00:58:06,188 Alright. 1232 00:58:06,813 --> 00:58:08,021 I hated it. 1233 00:58:08,230 --> 00:58:10,730 I hated every horrid moment of it! 1234 00:58:11,521 --> 00:58:12,896 Are you satisfied? 1235 00:58:14,021 --> 00:58:16,021 And my mother did nothing. 1236 00:58:17,605 --> 00:58:21,312 (door clangs shut) YOUNG DAGAN: Mum! No! No! 1237 00:58:21,313 --> 00:58:23,146 Why won't you see me? 1238 00:58:23,896 --> 00:58:26,687 Shulmay, I feel we've opened the wax lid 1239 00:58:26,688 --> 00:58:28,896 atop a clay vessel of worms. 1240 00:58:35,105 --> 00:58:36,229 Your father thought your mother's love 1241 00:58:36,230 --> 00:58:37,688 would make you soft, 1242 00:58:38,771 --> 00:58:40,521 so, he locked her away in a tower, 1243 00:58:41,230 --> 00:58:42,729 and anyone who spoke of her again 1244 00:58:42,730 --> 00:58:44,563 would be pressed through a cattle grid. 1245 00:58:45,021 --> 00:58:46,646 She never abandoned you, Dagan. 1246 00:58:49,646 --> 00:58:51,938 My mother lo... loved me? 1247 00:58:52,396 --> 00:58:53,521 Always. 1248 00:58:54,896 --> 00:58:56,146 Why did nobody tell me? 1249 00:58:56,605 --> 00:58:57,938 (whispers) The cattle grid. 1250 00:58:58,105 --> 00:58:59,438 Oh. 1251 00:59:00,313 --> 00:59:02,813 Your father was a bad man. 1252 00:59:04,021 --> 00:59:06,271 And not worthy of your admiration. 1253 00:59:07,146 --> 00:59:09,980 But that is just the opinion of Bobik. 1254 00:59:11,271 --> 00:59:12,813 I've been so wrong. 1255 00:59:13,521 --> 00:59:14,896 (soft music) 1256 00:59:15,355 --> 00:59:16,980 Shall we have a third go then, or what? 1257 00:59:17,230 --> 00:59:18,313 I reckon we've got this. 1258 00:59:20,771 --> 00:59:23,355 Just let me do one thing. 1259 00:59:25,271 --> 00:59:26,480 (grunting) 1260 00:59:27,688 --> 00:59:29,230 Okay, feet first. 1261 00:59:29,771 --> 00:59:30,813 You ready? 1262 00:59:31,646 --> 00:59:35,605 One, two, three. 1263 00:59:38,480 --> 00:59:39,730 With the flip. 1264 00:59:39,855 --> 00:59:41,313 (thuds) Hmm. 1265 00:59:42,146 --> 00:59:43,938 Yay! (clapping) 1266 00:59:45,813 --> 00:59:46,938 Huh. 1267 00:59:50,188 --> 00:59:51,730 I'll see you again soon. 1268 00:59:52,438 --> 00:59:53,688 Promise. 1269 00:59:54,188 --> 00:59:55,188 (kisses crown) 1270 00:59:58,021 --> 00:59:59,937 Someone will find the body soon enough. 1271 00:59:59,938 --> 01:00:01,020 This is what they want 1272 01:00:01,021 --> 01:00:02,395 Why are you still here? 1273 01:00:02,396 --> 01:00:03,687 This is what they said 1274 01:00:03,688 --> 01:00:04,979 This is what you get 1275 01:00:04,980 --> 01:00:10,187 This is you feeling the same as you used to 1276 01:00:10,188 --> 01:00:11,605 (soldier gags) 1277 01:00:15,896 --> 01:00:17,646 Pay them the bounty. 1278 01:00:21,396 --> 01:00:23,230 Is Leofwine back from the forest yet? 1279 01:00:26,980 --> 01:00:28,146 (sheet swishes) 1280 01:00:32,105 --> 01:00:33,271 (laughs) 1281 01:00:34,771 --> 01:00:35,771 Hmm. 1282 01:00:38,480 --> 01:00:39,480 (fire crackles) 1283 01:00:44,688 --> 01:00:46,105 She's tougher than I thought. 1284 01:00:46,563 --> 01:00:48,146 I worried she wouldn't make it this far. 1285 01:00:48,521 --> 01:00:51,188 BOBIK: It's, what, a three-day walk to Fingerstone Rock? 1286 01:00:51,771 --> 01:00:53,855 To meet Ivarr and Guthrum. 1287 01:00:55,396 --> 01:00:56,521 Bobik. 1288 01:00:56,688 --> 01:00:58,355 - Yeah? - The thing is... 1289 01:01:02,688 --> 01:01:04,396 Yeah, we'll do that. 1290 01:01:05,521 --> 01:01:06,730 We'll do all of that. 1291 01:01:08,938 --> 01:01:10,313 (dramatic music) 1292 01:01:11,855 --> 01:01:17,395 And after a day's work at the new c-c-collective bakery, 1293 01:01:17,396 --> 01:01:21,729 I kept a few sweepings of flour for me and my family. 1294 01:01:21,730 --> 01:01:23,562 - Oh dear. - And I'm very sorry. 1295 01:01:23,563 --> 01:01:24,771 It won't happen again. 1296 01:01:25,021 --> 01:01:27,062 But I haven't had any wages since Freedom Day, 1297 01:01:27,063 --> 01:01:29,145 and the guards say there's no coin to pay us with, 1298 01:01:29,146 --> 01:01:31,104 and, and the kids, (laughs nervously) 1299 01:01:31,105 --> 01:01:32,229 they're so hungry. 1300 01:01:32,230 --> 01:01:33,312 - Witgar. - Hmm? 1301 01:01:33,313 --> 01:01:34,730 You can go back to your family. 1302 01:01:35,313 --> 01:01:36,770 (sighs) Thank you, Joan. 1303 01:01:36,771 --> 01:01:41,771 After a stay at the citadel, in a special room, 1304 01:01:41,938 --> 01:01:43,020 deep underground. 1305 01:01:43,021 --> 01:01:46,146 I... I, urgh... I love you! 1306 01:01:47,021 --> 01:01:48,687 This commonwealth cannot fail. 1307 01:01:48,688 --> 01:01:50,646 - WITGAR: I love you! - Will not fail. 1308 01:01:50,896 --> 01:01:53,270 SOLDIER: Humble Joan, a message from across the seas. 1309 01:01:53,271 --> 01:01:54,896 Hmm. (treacherous music) 1310 01:02:01,313 --> 01:02:03,271 And this letter gives us the means to do it. 1311 01:02:05,063 --> 01:02:06,230 Pack up! 1312 01:02:07,563 --> 01:02:08,980 I have somewhere to be. 1313 01:02:09,480 --> 01:02:10,313 (upbeat music) 1314 01:02:10,314 --> 01:02:13,020 And so, the long journey to the eastern shore 1315 01:02:13,021 --> 01:02:14,271 was nearly over. 1316 01:02:14,480 --> 01:02:16,312 Then, just a short trip across the sea 1317 01:02:16,313 --> 01:02:18,146 would take them to the great allies. 1318 01:02:18,521 --> 01:02:21,395 King Ivarr and King Guthrum. 1319 01:02:21,396 --> 01:02:23,480 (upbeat flute music) 1320 01:02:25,813 --> 01:02:26,854 SHULMAY: There it is. 1321 01:02:26,855 --> 01:02:28,688 (seagulls crying) (Dagan gasps) 1322 01:02:29,480 --> 01:02:30,480 Ah! 1323 01:02:30,855 --> 01:02:33,646 A hundred and two score miles, and here we are. 1324 01:02:34,563 --> 01:02:36,105 Fingerstone Rock! 1325 01:02:37,146 --> 01:02:39,146 BOBIK: It is big, though, the sea. 1326 01:02:39,688 --> 01:02:40,980 They weren't lying. 1327 01:02:42,021 --> 01:02:43,896 You'd need all day to drink that lot. 1328 01:02:44,271 --> 01:02:45,688 Is it salty, though? 1329 01:02:46,438 --> 01:02:47,730 I'm gonna lick it. 1330 01:02:48,563 --> 01:02:50,395 The only sure way to test anything is lick it. 1331 01:02:50,396 --> 01:02:51,396 Shulmay. 1332 01:02:51,397 --> 01:02:54,688 Where's our boat, Shulmay, to take us to the lovely kings? 1333 01:02:54,855 --> 01:02:55,979 My Queen, here's the thing... 1334 01:02:55,980 --> 01:02:57,438 (gasps) There's a boat! 1335 01:02:57,855 --> 01:02:59,771 (screeching) It's them! They're here! 1336 01:03:00,105 --> 01:03:01,438 What now? No. 1337 01:03:01,938 --> 01:03:03,604 - DAGAN: Ivarr! - Dagan, wait. 1338 01:03:03,605 --> 01:03:04,645 Guthrum! 1339 01:03:04,646 --> 01:03:07,270 - I need to tell you something. - The two warriors bold! 1340 01:03:07,271 --> 01:03:10,146 They've crossed the sea themselves to pick me up! 1341 01:03:10,480 --> 01:03:11,438 (gasps) 1342 01:03:11,439 --> 01:03:13,395 - I'm saved! - That's not quite it. 1343 01:03:13,396 --> 01:03:15,645 - Cooee! I'm here! - Listen, Ivarr and Guthrum 1344 01:03:15,646 --> 01:03:16,687 are not here for you. 1345 01:03:16,688 --> 01:03:18,604 They're literally just there! (sea roaring) 1346 01:03:18,605 --> 01:03:20,355 SHULMAY: I haven't told you everything. 1347 01:03:22,521 --> 01:03:24,980 DAGAN: Wait, where are they going, the silly things? Huh. 1348 01:03:25,105 --> 01:03:27,646 The truth is, they did write to Leofwine, 1349 01:03:28,021 --> 01:03:29,980 asking to meet by Fingerstone Rock, 1350 01:03:30,146 --> 01:03:32,480 and pay gold for the secret of the flame-powder... 1351 01:03:34,605 --> 01:03:37,188 once Humble Joan had taken the realm. 1352 01:03:40,521 --> 01:03:42,438 You mean they bet against me? 1353 01:03:44,271 --> 01:03:45,730 I had to think fast. 1354 01:03:46,688 --> 01:03:50,145 Get the queen to safety and tell the truth later. 1355 01:03:50,146 --> 01:03:51,354 (dramatic music) 1356 01:03:51,355 --> 01:03:54,105 DAGAN: You lied to me, all this time. 1357 01:03:55,063 --> 01:03:56,813 No ships, no armies. 1358 01:03:58,855 --> 01:04:00,021 But there is safety. 1359 01:04:00,146 --> 01:04:01,771 No one lives on Fingerstone. 1360 01:04:02,605 --> 01:04:06,146 So, we can live there, and no one will know. 1361 01:04:07,896 --> 01:04:09,563 Everyone thinks you're dead. 1362 01:04:09,980 --> 01:04:13,104 We'll eat seagulls' eggs and fish. 1363 01:04:13,105 --> 01:04:14,355 Fish pie. 1364 01:04:14,563 --> 01:04:16,980 That was kind of my plan all along. 1365 01:04:17,938 --> 01:04:19,188 We live on a rock. 1366 01:04:20,396 --> 01:04:21,396 That rock? 1367 01:04:22,563 --> 01:04:24,063 SHULMAY: That rock over there. 1368 01:04:25,313 --> 01:04:28,355 If we live on that rock, will I still be an earl? 1369 01:04:29,480 --> 01:04:30,521 Yeah. 1370 01:04:31,605 --> 01:04:34,938 Earl in a palace, or earl in a hovel? 1371 01:04:36,063 --> 01:04:37,146 Mm-hmm. 1372 01:04:38,396 --> 01:04:39,730 I'm sorry, Bobik. 1373 01:04:41,730 --> 01:04:43,812 Look, I know it's a lot to take in. 1374 01:04:43,813 --> 01:04:45,355 Urgh! (kicking) 1375 01:04:49,396 --> 01:04:50,230 (hard slap) Oh! 1376 01:04:50,231 --> 01:04:52,313 I did all this for your mother! 1377 01:04:52,563 --> 01:04:54,146 You're a shit, Dagan! 1378 01:04:54,271 --> 01:04:57,313 A selfish, horrible shit! 1379 01:04:57,646 --> 01:05:01,021 After all I've done for you, all Bobik's done! 1380 01:05:02,146 --> 01:05:05,188 I killed for you! - A bad person... 1381 01:05:06,105 --> 01:05:07,688 who had it coming! 1382 01:05:08,980 --> 01:05:10,354 Real affection would be... 1383 01:05:10,355 --> 01:05:12,896 would be killing someone who didn't deserve it. 1384 01:05:13,521 --> 01:05:16,521 You sucked up my mother's love... 1385 01:05:17,230 --> 01:05:18,396 for years! 1386 01:05:19,521 --> 01:05:21,313 That was my love, 1387 01:05:22,271 --> 01:05:23,730 and you robbed it! 1388 01:05:23,980 --> 01:05:26,230 And then you promised me a kingdom, 1389 01:05:26,563 --> 01:05:28,479 and then you steal that too! 1390 01:05:28,480 --> 01:05:30,979 Some of us get by without kingdoms. 1391 01:05:30,980 --> 01:05:34,313 (screaming) Well, I need a kingdom! 1392 01:05:35,438 --> 01:05:38,230 I was going to be a better queen this time! 1393 01:05:38,563 --> 01:05:43,105 (sobbing) Just a, a, a fucking adorable queen! 1394 01:05:43,563 --> 01:05:44,895 The pain of it. 1395 01:05:44,896 --> 01:05:46,438 You don't know about pain! 1396 01:05:46,605 --> 01:05:48,562 You're a spoiled baby! 1397 01:05:48,563 --> 01:05:50,980 Do you know how hard it is being your friend? 1398 01:05:54,855 --> 01:05:56,396 You are not my friend. 1399 01:06:00,396 --> 01:06:01,896 Eat my jellyfish! (squelch) 1400 01:06:02,480 --> 01:06:04,688 (screams) It stings! 1401 01:06:06,230 --> 01:06:08,063 Nobody told me they sting! 1402 01:06:08,563 --> 01:06:12,355 I wish that man-wolf had scoffed your fucking tits! 1403 01:06:12,980 --> 01:06:15,020 Right, I'm done. (necklace clinks on sand) 1404 01:06:15,021 --> 01:06:16,688 - DAGAN: Good! - SHULMAY: Fine! 1405 01:06:16,980 --> 01:06:18,313 - Fine! - Good! 1406 01:06:20,188 --> 01:06:22,688 (melancholic music) Leave me then! 1407 01:06:23,355 --> 01:06:24,813 Everybody does! 1408 01:06:26,855 --> 01:06:29,230 Why don't you hand me in to Humble Joan, 1409 01:06:29,355 --> 01:06:31,188 get a nice big fat reward? 1410 01:06:32,188 --> 01:06:34,146 Yeah, maybe I should. 1411 01:06:36,730 --> 01:06:37,730 Bobik? 1412 01:06:39,980 --> 01:06:41,021 Nah. 1413 01:06:46,313 --> 01:06:52,021 Tell me how I should feel 1414 01:06:52,438 --> 01:06:55,980 How can this love 1415 01:06:56,105 --> 01:06:58,355 run out of here? 1416 01:06:59,105 --> 01:07:04,937 When should I believe the things you say? 1417 01:07:04,938 --> 01:07:05,938 (seagulls crying) 1418 01:07:05,939 --> 01:07:11,855 You change your mind from day to day 1419 01:07:12,396 --> 01:07:17,187 And I don't know if you can 1420 01:07:17,188 --> 01:07:20,605 take such a good thing 1421 01:07:46,355 --> 01:07:47,438 (waves lapping) 1422 01:07:50,521 --> 01:07:51,980 IVARR: What's the snack situation? 1423 01:07:52,521 --> 01:07:54,437 GUTHRAM: I hope it's good, I'm so hungry. 1424 01:07:54,438 --> 01:07:55,771 (dramatic music) 1425 01:07:59,605 --> 01:08:00,688 (kings grunting) 1426 01:08:01,396 --> 01:08:03,188 - Very good. - Ja. 1427 01:08:03,355 --> 01:08:05,355 Oh, God. Oh. 1428 01:08:07,355 --> 01:08:08,395 What a shit hole. 1429 01:08:08,396 --> 01:08:10,605 - Ja, it stinks. - Yes. (laughs) 1430 01:08:11,105 --> 01:08:12,645 GUTHRAM: We shall drive a hard bargain. 1431 01:08:12,646 --> 01:08:15,188 Ja, what other bargain would we wanna drive, man? 1432 01:08:15,521 --> 01:08:17,313 I mean, it's us, yeah? 1433 01:08:17,730 --> 01:08:19,896 We're hardcore, all the time. 1434 01:08:20,021 --> 01:08:20,980 I am. 1435 01:08:20,981 --> 01:08:23,188 You? I've heard otherwise. 1436 01:08:23,313 --> 01:08:24,355 You mock me. 1437 01:08:24,730 --> 01:08:27,605 I'll spill your sorry guts on the sand right here. 1438 01:08:27,855 --> 01:08:28,979 - You wanna go? - Right here. 1439 01:08:28,980 --> 01:08:29,938 - You wanna go? - On the sand. 1440 01:08:29,939 --> 01:08:31,437 - You wanna get crazy? - You want a piece of it? 1441 01:08:31,438 --> 01:08:33,604 You wanna get crazy? I'm gonna fuck you up. 1442 01:08:33,605 --> 01:08:34,645 Ja, you want? 1443 01:08:34,646 --> 01:08:37,104 Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go... 1444 01:08:37,105 --> 01:08:38,480 (men squabbling) 1445 01:08:40,813 --> 01:08:41,937 (laughs) 1446 01:08:41,938 --> 01:08:43,813 She thinks we may fight now. 1447 01:08:43,938 --> 01:08:45,937 (laughs) She does not know that we are good friends, 1448 01:08:45,938 --> 01:08:48,354 whose mannish banter is unmatched. 1449 01:08:48,355 --> 01:08:51,271 Yeah, just a couple of kings fucking around. 1450 01:08:52,813 --> 01:08:54,563 You're bigger than I thought you'd be. 1451 01:08:54,980 --> 01:08:56,812 But you're still pretty small. 1452 01:08:56,813 --> 01:08:58,521 King Ivarr, King Guthrum, 1453 01:08:58,855 --> 01:09:00,813 welcome to the Commonwealth of the People. 1454 01:09:00,980 --> 01:09:02,521 Well done on the rebellion. 1455 01:09:02,896 --> 01:09:05,812 If you'd tried it in our lands, you'd be very dead now. 1456 01:09:05,813 --> 01:09:07,438 Yeah, very dead. 1457 01:09:07,896 --> 01:09:11,188 But you did it here, so, you know, we're cool with that. 1458 01:09:11,646 --> 01:09:12,730 Come this way. 1459 01:09:13,730 --> 01:09:14,730 IVARR: Thank you. 1460 01:09:16,021 --> 01:09:18,063 I don't trust her. - GUTHRAM: No. Me neither. 1461 01:09:18,188 --> 01:09:19,604 She's so small. 1462 01:09:19,605 --> 01:09:21,396 (high tempo music) 1463 01:09:22,480 --> 01:09:24,062 Do you think Humble Joan's around? 1464 01:09:24,063 --> 01:09:26,396 Well, Leofwine's not meeting the kings, is she? 1465 01:09:28,771 --> 01:09:30,855 Yes, Humble Joan's here. 1466 01:09:31,105 --> 01:09:32,395 We'll give her what she wants, 1467 01:09:32,396 --> 01:09:34,063 and then she can't deny us our silver. 1468 01:09:34,230 --> 01:09:35,521 We'll be wealthy? 1469 01:09:35,813 --> 01:09:39,063 You'll never have to shovel again, and I'll serve no one. 1470 01:09:39,938 --> 01:09:42,063 I'm sick of looking after the upper classes, Bobik. 1471 01:09:42,355 --> 01:09:43,730 I need to find my song. 1472 01:09:44,355 --> 01:09:45,355 Hey. 1473 01:09:45,896 --> 01:09:47,396 So, are we giving her Dagan? 1474 01:09:54,063 --> 01:09:56,105 Yes, we are. 1475 01:09:56,438 --> 01:09:58,646 Yeah. (treacherous music) 1476 01:10:02,355 --> 01:10:04,688 So, this commonwealth malarky. 1477 01:10:05,063 --> 01:10:06,438 Does it have legs? 1478 01:10:06,980 --> 01:10:10,271 I mean, what if Dagan gets back in, hmm? 1479 01:10:11,438 --> 01:10:13,437 (box opens, flies buzzing) Urgh. 1480 01:10:13,438 --> 01:10:15,479 These were found on her mangled corpse. 1481 01:10:15,480 --> 01:10:17,479 - GUTHRUM: That smells bad. - IVARR: Ja, that's hers. 1482 01:10:17,480 --> 01:10:19,729 Your Majesties will need a moment to mourn, I'm sure. 1483 01:10:19,730 --> 01:10:20,813 Eh. 1484 01:10:21,313 --> 01:10:22,604 It's no great loss. 1485 01:10:22,605 --> 01:10:23,688 Hmm. 1486 01:10:23,813 --> 01:10:26,896 Pagan Europe will just have to struggle on without her. 1487 01:10:27,188 --> 01:10:29,146 Let us talk the flame-powder. 1488 01:10:29,480 --> 01:10:30,520 - Ja. - Let's. 1489 01:10:30,521 --> 01:10:31,979 We've heard you're flat broke. 1490 01:10:31,980 --> 01:10:34,270 IVARR: I'm not. I just raided Latvia. 1491 01:10:34,271 --> 01:10:35,937 (laughs) Very raidable is your Latvia. 1492 01:10:35,938 --> 01:10:36,855 Ja. 1493 01:10:36,856 --> 01:10:39,895 GUTHRUM: So, this flame-powder, does it really work? 1494 01:10:39,896 --> 01:10:43,479 IVARR: I'm thinking maybe we can try out the flame-powder 1495 01:10:43,480 --> 01:10:44,854 on some peasants! 1496 01:10:44,855 --> 01:10:47,438 (sword swishes) No. Approach, friends. 1497 01:10:47,688 --> 01:10:49,480 We don't kill commoners for fun here. 1498 01:10:49,938 --> 01:10:50,938 Really? 1499 01:10:51,480 --> 01:10:52,646 What a bore. 1500 01:10:53,105 --> 01:10:55,104 - (scoffs) - I like slaying peasants. 1501 01:10:55,105 --> 01:10:56,270 Ja, you have the mad skills. 1502 01:10:56,271 --> 01:10:57,770 JOAN: How goes the day, travellers? 1503 01:10:57,771 --> 01:10:59,771 Humble Joan, we've come to tell you something. 1504 01:11:01,313 --> 01:11:03,438 To tell you that Queen Dagan... 1505 01:11:05,646 --> 01:11:06,730 (tense music) 1506 01:11:10,855 --> 01:11:13,771 Queen Dagan... - Have we met before? 1507 01:11:17,896 --> 01:11:18,896 Speak. 1508 01:11:19,771 --> 01:11:21,355 There's nothing to fear. 1509 01:11:23,980 --> 01:11:25,188 Queen Dagan... 1510 01:11:27,396 --> 01:11:28,938 Nothing to fear indeed. 1511 01:11:29,896 --> 01:11:32,896 For Humble Joan... protects us all. 1512 01:11:34,730 --> 01:11:37,063 Her steady hand guiding the great... 1513 01:11:37,730 --> 01:11:39,771 plough shed of this nation. 1514 01:11:40,688 --> 01:11:45,105 Indeed, here is a woman whose words you may trust. 1515 01:11:47,146 --> 01:11:48,146 (laughs) 1516 01:11:51,480 --> 01:11:52,480 Bye-bye. 1517 01:11:52,481 --> 01:11:53,563 (upbeat music) 1518 01:11:58,271 --> 01:12:00,511 Catch up with our friends and invite them to stay awhile. 1519 01:12:01,188 --> 01:12:03,813 You, search the dunes where they came from. 1520 01:12:04,813 --> 01:12:06,063 Something's going on here. 1521 01:12:06,438 --> 01:12:07,520 SOLDIER: Let's go. 1522 01:12:07,521 --> 01:12:08,980 (tense music) 1523 01:12:09,146 --> 01:12:10,313 Make haste. 1524 01:12:15,105 --> 01:12:16,605 (soldier coughing) 1525 01:12:18,480 --> 01:12:19,855 I hoped you'd come back. 1526 01:12:22,813 --> 01:12:25,105 Up you get... Dagan. 1527 01:12:26,855 --> 01:12:28,604 DAGAN: Ow! Get off! 1528 01:12:28,605 --> 01:12:31,605 I am still your queen! How ruddy dare you?! 1529 01:12:31,813 --> 01:12:33,021 Ow! 1530 01:12:36,271 --> 01:12:38,687 You know, even if you offered help to me now, 1531 01:12:38,688 --> 01:12:40,021 I would spurn it. 1532 01:12:42,855 --> 01:12:44,438 You don't happen to offer it, do you? 1533 01:12:45,188 --> 01:12:46,646 Dagan's dead, you said. 1534 01:12:47,771 --> 01:12:51,605 Fortune has offered us a subject for demonstration. 1535 01:12:52,563 --> 01:12:54,771 She is a queen, dress her as such. 1536 01:12:54,896 --> 01:12:56,396 (tense music) 1537 01:13:01,396 --> 01:13:02,562 (box opens) 1538 01:13:02,563 --> 01:13:03,688 (dramatic music) 1539 01:13:05,938 --> 01:13:09,270 Our subject thinks much of her dainty toes. 1540 01:13:09,271 --> 01:13:11,270 She is famous for her lovely feet. 1541 01:13:11,271 --> 01:13:14,313 - Ja. - We call this cord a fuse. 1542 01:13:15,480 --> 01:13:17,188 Simply light one end of it. 1543 01:13:18,730 --> 01:13:19,980 (flames burst) 1544 01:13:20,521 --> 01:13:21,938 (fuse sizzles) 1545 01:13:24,396 --> 01:13:26,188 (explosion) (Dagan screams) 1546 01:13:26,521 --> 01:13:27,521 JOAN: Bang. 1547 01:13:30,563 --> 01:13:31,730 (Dagan groaning) 1548 01:13:36,480 --> 01:13:37,855 That was a little bang. 1549 01:13:39,021 --> 01:13:40,729 We came for large bangs. 1550 01:13:40,730 --> 01:13:42,187 Large bangs. 1551 01:13:42,188 --> 01:13:45,604 Large bangs, large bangs, large bangs. 1552 01:13:45,605 --> 01:13:46,896 You will have one. 1553 01:13:47,771 --> 01:13:51,188 For now, we put our powder in a tube of iron. 1554 01:13:53,271 --> 01:13:54,730 (cannon wheels squeak) 1555 01:13:56,646 --> 01:13:58,229 BOBIK: You said she knew nothing of pain. 1556 01:13:58,230 --> 01:13:59,521 I know I did. 1557 01:14:00,605 --> 01:14:01,980 I think she does now. 1558 01:14:04,563 --> 01:14:06,187 Her foot is quite badly fucked up. 1559 01:14:06,188 --> 01:14:07,354 Yeah, it really is. 1560 01:14:07,355 --> 01:14:09,730 I'm going to work my way around your body, Dagan. 1561 01:14:10,146 --> 01:14:11,855 But first, tell me. 1562 01:14:12,563 --> 01:14:13,980 Is that the pair you travelled with? 1563 01:14:16,355 --> 01:14:17,355 (gulps) 1564 01:14:18,271 --> 01:14:19,730 I don't know who they are. 1565 01:14:20,438 --> 01:14:21,937 JOAN: Well, whoever they are, 1566 01:14:21,938 --> 01:14:25,437 they're about to watch you suffer very, very much. 1567 01:14:25,438 --> 01:14:26,479 Nice. 1568 01:14:26,480 --> 01:14:28,270 She could try to bargain with our peasanty lives, 1569 01:14:28,271 --> 01:14:30,021 and yet she still doesn't give us away. 1570 01:14:30,230 --> 01:14:31,270 JOAN: Primed and ready. 1571 01:14:31,271 --> 01:14:33,354 Let's see what it will do to the human... 1572 01:14:33,355 --> 01:14:34,605 (tense music) 1573 01:14:34,813 --> 01:14:37,105 knee. (cannons squeaks) 1574 01:14:38,271 --> 01:14:40,313 Again, we light the fuse. 1575 01:14:41,355 --> 01:14:42,355 SHULMAY: Hold. 1576 01:14:45,271 --> 01:14:48,437 We, the common people, wish to avenge ourselves 1577 01:14:48,438 --> 01:14:50,730 on the tyrant. (treacherous music) 1578 01:14:50,980 --> 01:14:52,271 Amuse us. 1579 01:14:52,688 --> 01:14:54,396 Give the peasant a go. 1580 01:14:58,355 --> 01:14:59,562 Nice and messy, please. 1581 01:14:59,563 --> 01:15:00,813 Chunks everywhere. 1582 01:15:02,230 --> 01:15:07,521 Dagan, let this show you where we stand. 1583 01:15:09,105 --> 01:15:10,063 (flames burst) 1584 01:15:10,064 --> 01:15:11,480 (tense music) 1585 01:15:16,188 --> 01:15:17,395 (stick whirls through the air) 1586 01:15:17,396 --> 01:15:19,021 (flame fizzles out on the sand) 1587 01:15:20,813 --> 01:15:23,354 I think she meant to hurl it into that chest. 1588 01:15:23,355 --> 01:15:24,812 Treachery! 1589 01:15:24,813 --> 01:15:26,813 Shulmay's a rotten throw, but I'm not! 1590 01:15:27,146 --> 01:15:28,562 (thunk) (laughs) 1591 01:15:28,563 --> 01:15:29,604 SOLDIER: Close it! 1592 01:15:29,605 --> 01:15:30,730 (lid bangs shut) 1593 01:15:31,146 --> 01:15:33,229 Ha! The powder needs air to burn. 1594 01:15:33,230 --> 01:15:34,854 Starved of air, it cannot catch... 1595 01:15:34,855 --> 01:15:37,521 (huge explosion) 1596 01:15:39,230 --> 01:15:40,896 (everyone coughing) 1597 01:15:43,146 --> 01:15:45,480 GUTHRUM: Bang, bang! IVARR: Ja! (laughs) 1598 01:15:45,605 --> 01:15:46,812 That was a large bang! 1599 01:15:46,813 --> 01:15:48,230 JOAN: Guards! 1600 01:15:49,271 --> 01:15:50,271 BOBIK: Argh! 1601 01:15:50,646 --> 01:15:52,230 (punching) (high tempo music) 1602 01:15:53,855 --> 01:15:55,813 (slap) (Bobik choking) 1603 01:15:55,938 --> 01:15:57,021 (sword swishes) 1604 01:15:59,105 --> 01:16:00,270 (swords clang) Argh! 1605 01:16:00,271 --> 01:16:01,355 (Joan laughs) 1606 01:16:02,271 --> 01:16:03,521 Oh, Dagan. 1607 01:16:03,688 --> 01:16:04,937 I've bested you once already, 1608 01:16:04,938 --> 01:16:06,812 now you're all starved and leaking. 1609 01:16:06,813 --> 01:16:09,521 I fought for myself back then. Now I fight for something else. 1610 01:16:10,480 --> 01:16:12,271 Argh! (swords clang) 1611 01:16:13,230 --> 01:16:16,187 - Ladies, fighting with swords. - Ja. 1612 01:16:16,188 --> 01:16:18,396 Argh! (swords clanging) 1613 01:16:21,355 --> 01:16:22,605 (kicking sound) (thump) 1614 01:16:23,396 --> 01:16:24,646 (Bobik choking) 1615 01:16:24,896 --> 01:16:26,479 Let me tell you a secret, Dagan. 1616 01:16:26,480 --> 01:16:27,562 (tense music) 1617 01:16:27,563 --> 01:16:29,938 I've begun to enjoy it at the top of the tree. 1618 01:16:30,355 --> 01:16:32,605 I can tell you that, 'cause you'd understand. 1619 01:16:35,646 --> 01:16:36,771 (crown clangs on sword) 1620 01:16:41,480 --> 01:16:44,188 I was going to melt this down for gold coin, but... 1621 01:16:45,146 --> 01:16:48,105 wouldn't it look fine on Joan's most humble head? 1622 01:16:48,438 --> 01:16:50,313 'Take the crown, Joan! 1623 01:16:50,480 --> 01:16:52,188 You're the people's queen!' 1624 01:16:52,480 --> 01:16:54,480 'Oh, but I mustn't.' 1625 01:16:54,688 --> 01:16:56,354 'Oh, but we wish it!' 1626 01:16:56,355 --> 01:17:00,646 'Well, if I must.' (laughs) (sword falls to the sand) 1627 01:17:02,480 --> 01:17:03,480 Oh! 1628 01:17:08,438 --> 01:17:09,812 (laughs evilly) 1629 01:17:09,813 --> 01:17:11,730 (ethereal music) BOBIK: There's no sky. 1630 01:17:13,313 --> 01:17:14,521 It's just you... 1631 01:17:14,771 --> 01:17:15,771 (screams) No! 1632 01:17:15,980 --> 01:17:17,063 BOBIK: the spade. 1633 01:17:17,813 --> 01:17:19,520 And the thing what must be spaded. 1634 01:17:19,521 --> 01:17:20,812 (squelching) (menacing singing) 1635 01:17:20,813 --> 01:17:22,855 La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la... 1636 01:17:24,230 --> 01:17:25,813 (repeated stabbing sound) 1637 01:17:28,146 --> 01:17:29,396 (blood spurting) 1638 01:17:31,105 --> 01:17:32,480 (dangerous music) 1639 01:17:33,105 --> 01:17:34,146 (thump) 1640 01:17:35,980 --> 01:17:36,980 (crown clangs softly) 1641 01:17:41,771 --> 01:17:42,896 (dramatic violin music) 1642 01:17:46,896 --> 01:17:48,480 Humble Joan, 1643 01:17:49,271 --> 01:17:50,479 for eternity your memory will... 1644 01:17:50,480 --> 01:17:51,646 (hard thump) 1645 01:17:54,438 --> 01:17:57,395 Oh, that was magnificent! (applause) 1646 01:17:57,396 --> 01:17:58,896 - Outstanding! - Ja! 1647 01:17:59,230 --> 01:18:00,771 - High funf! - High funf! 1648 01:18:01,771 --> 01:18:04,854 Queen Dagan, we wanted you to win all along. 1649 01:18:04,855 --> 01:18:06,312 I really enjoyed that. 1650 01:18:06,313 --> 01:18:07,812 - GUTHRUM: Right. - IVARR: That was so good. 1651 01:18:07,813 --> 01:18:09,145 - GUTHRUM: Ja. - IVARR: Ja. 1652 01:18:09,146 --> 01:18:10,480 (chatter fades out) 1653 01:18:11,188 --> 01:18:12,605 (Dagan groans) 1654 01:18:13,480 --> 01:18:15,313 My blood is falling out. 1655 01:18:16,188 --> 01:18:17,938 (blood drips) 1656 01:18:18,605 --> 01:18:20,605 My life ebbs away. 1657 01:18:23,105 --> 01:18:24,146 Dagan. 1658 01:18:25,813 --> 01:18:28,105 This land will need a ruler when I'm gone. 1659 01:18:31,480 --> 01:18:33,271 I was a bastard. 1660 01:18:36,021 --> 01:18:37,021 Joan. 1661 01:18:38,105 --> 01:18:39,313 Leofwine. 1662 01:18:40,646 --> 01:18:42,230 Ivarr, Gunthrum. 1663 01:18:43,063 --> 01:18:44,938 We're all bastards. 1664 01:18:47,396 --> 01:18:52,146 Maybe countries need leaders who aren't bastards. 1665 01:18:54,730 --> 01:18:55,980 Shulmay... 1666 01:18:57,271 --> 01:18:58,521 will you be queen? 1667 01:19:00,688 --> 01:19:02,021 I can't be queen. 1668 01:19:02,980 --> 01:19:03,980 Can I? 1669 01:19:04,063 --> 01:19:05,730 You were made for it. 1670 01:19:06,271 --> 01:19:07,355 Trust me. 1671 01:19:17,730 --> 01:19:18,896 Shulmay... 1672 01:19:23,896 --> 01:19:27,521 Do you promise to rule with wisdom and kindness? 1673 01:19:28,313 --> 01:19:29,313 Yes. 1674 01:19:29,730 --> 01:19:30,771 Yes, I do. 1675 01:19:32,355 --> 01:19:33,563 Queen Shulmay. 1676 01:19:34,355 --> 01:19:36,146 I don't want to die on the ground. 1677 01:19:36,980 --> 01:19:38,479 Help me up, my Queen. 1678 01:19:38,480 --> 01:19:39,730 (dramatic music) 1679 01:19:42,021 --> 01:19:43,313 (groans) 1680 01:19:45,396 --> 01:19:47,063 Uh, Queen Shulmay. 1681 01:19:47,438 --> 01:19:49,479 Any chance you could give us the recipe 1682 01:19:49,480 --> 01:19:51,355 for the bang-bang powder? 1683 01:19:51,521 --> 01:19:52,563 No. 1684 01:19:54,188 --> 01:19:55,146 Just asking. 1685 01:19:55,147 --> 01:19:57,188 Yeah, no need to be snippy. 1686 01:19:57,605 --> 01:19:59,105 Come on. Let's go. 1687 01:19:59,688 --> 01:20:01,021 GUTHRUM: Which way is the boat? 1688 01:20:01,271 --> 01:20:03,188 IVARR: It was your job to remember that. 1689 01:20:03,438 --> 01:20:06,270 GUTHRUM: Erm, it was close to a very distinctive pebble. 1690 01:20:06,271 --> 01:20:09,563 IVARR: Oh ja, by that big, sort of, sandy-coloured section. 1691 01:20:09,896 --> 01:20:11,062 (coughs) 1692 01:20:11,063 --> 01:20:12,563 (tense music) 1693 01:20:14,688 --> 01:20:15,688 Uh... 1694 01:20:17,230 --> 01:20:18,688 I see a snail. 1695 01:20:20,938 --> 01:20:22,521 Come, Big Liam. 1696 01:20:24,021 --> 01:20:25,104 I'm ready. 1697 01:20:25,105 --> 01:20:26,271 (ethereal music) 1698 01:20:28,146 --> 01:20:29,146 No. 1699 01:20:30,521 --> 01:20:31,605 Come. 1700 01:20:32,396 --> 01:20:34,146 Cease your approach, Big Liam. 1701 01:20:35,521 --> 01:20:36,813 I've had an idea. 1702 01:20:38,521 --> 01:20:40,146 This will stop the bleeding. 1703 01:20:40,313 --> 01:20:42,480 Just a tiny pinch of the powder. 1704 01:20:43,146 --> 01:20:46,145 DAGAN: Liam, I see you, Big Liam. I'm ready. 1705 01:20:46,146 --> 01:20:48,105 That'll burn the wound shut. Stand back. 1706 01:20:48,896 --> 01:20:49,980 (sizzling) 1707 01:20:52,938 --> 01:20:56,270 Ouch! Fucking hell! 1708 01:20:56,271 --> 01:20:57,771 The bleeding's stopped. 1709 01:20:57,938 --> 01:20:59,105 Saved your life. 1710 01:21:05,521 --> 01:21:06,521 Come. 1711 01:21:09,188 --> 01:21:10,230 Thank you... 1712 01:21:12,480 --> 01:21:13,688 Earl Bobik. 1713 01:21:15,813 --> 01:21:16,980 I'm an earl! 1714 01:21:18,188 --> 01:21:20,146 Hey, I'm an earl! 1715 01:21:20,980 --> 01:21:22,230 A ruddy earl! 1716 01:21:24,355 --> 01:21:25,730 Oof. 1717 01:21:26,188 --> 01:21:27,355 Where are you off to? 1718 01:21:27,646 --> 01:21:29,230 Why, off to the citadel. 1719 01:21:29,563 --> 01:21:31,521 We have a coronation to arrange! 1720 01:21:31,646 --> 01:21:33,313 (upbeat marching music) 1721 01:21:33,771 --> 01:21:35,604 SHULMAY: I'm the Queen! 1722 01:21:35,605 --> 01:21:37,188 BOBIK: You're the fucking Queen! 1723 01:21:37,605 --> 01:21:39,521 SHULMAY: I'm the Queen! 1724 01:21:39,813 --> 01:21:41,730 Shulmay, you found your song! 1725 01:21:41,896 --> 01:21:43,104 (laughing) 1726 01:21:43,105 --> 01:21:45,188 I'm the Queen! 1727 01:21:45,480 --> 01:21:48,063 The fucking Queen! 1728 01:21:48,855 --> 01:21:51,188 DAGAN: And the crown stayed on the right head. 1729 01:21:51,855 --> 01:21:53,938 The head it was meant for all along. 1730 01:21:54,605 --> 01:21:58,645 Hooray for Queen Shulmay, the people's queen! 1731 01:21:58,646 --> 01:21:59,730 (cheers and applause) 1732 01:22:01,188 --> 01:22:03,688 What about Bobik? (laughs) 1733 01:22:04,271 --> 01:22:05,937 DAGAN: I moved to a palace. 1734 01:22:05,938 --> 01:22:09,605 And I found my beloved countess. 1735 01:22:10,938 --> 01:22:11,771 Here you are, dear. 1736 01:22:11,772 --> 01:22:15,895 DAGAN: And everybody lived happily ever after. 1737 01:22:15,896 --> 01:22:17,145 The end. 1738 01:22:17,146 --> 01:22:19,066 Sorry for all the swearing. (cheers and applause) 1739 01:22:21,105 --> 01:22:23,395 Thank you! Thank you so much! 1740 01:22:23,396 --> 01:22:24,562 Many thanks! 1741 01:22:24,563 --> 01:22:26,020 Don't forget the puppeteer. 1742 01:22:26,021 --> 01:22:28,230 (coins jangling) Thank you. 1743 01:22:28,855 --> 01:22:30,895 - GIRL: Thank you. - DAGAN: Thanks. 1744 01:22:30,896 --> 01:22:32,687 Is it true what the grown-ups say, 1745 01:22:32,688 --> 01:22:34,771 that you're the other queen in the story? 1746 01:22:35,355 --> 01:22:36,355 What? 1747 01:22:36,938 --> 01:22:40,021 She was so mean and angry. 1748 01:22:40,313 --> 01:22:41,479 Nobody would want to be her friend. 1749 01:22:41,480 --> 01:22:42,771 Do I look like her? 1750 01:22:43,521 --> 01:22:45,105 No, you don't. 1751 01:22:45,396 --> 01:22:46,563 So, it can't be me, can it? 1752 01:22:46,771 --> 01:22:47,605 (coins jangle) 1753 01:22:47,606 --> 01:22:50,020 Or at least it hasn't been for a very long... 1754 01:22:50,021 --> 01:22:51,605 Oh, for goodness sake! 1755 01:22:52,896 --> 01:22:54,437 Seize them! 1756 01:22:54,438 --> 01:22:55,938 (upbeat music) 1757 01:23:00,605 --> 01:23:05,896 Shall I milk thy herd for you, kind sir? 1758 01:23:06,438 --> 01:23:09,230 {\an8}Hey, I'm in love. 1759 01:23:10,396 --> 01:23:12,562 My fingers keep on clicking to the beat... 1760 01:23:12,563 --> 01:23:14,146 He locked her away in a tower. 1761 01:23:14,730 --> 01:23:16,270 And anyone who spoke of her again 1762 01:23:16,271 --> 01:23:17,980 would be pressed through a cattle grid. 1763 01:23:18,688 --> 01:23:22,146 {\an8}Ebony and ivory and dancing and in the street 1764 01:23:22,730 --> 01:23:27,062 {\an8}Hey, it's 'cause of you the world... 1765 01:23:27,063 --> 01:23:30,979 I've heard she's done this: poos in your wells. 1766 01:23:30,980 --> 01:23:34,063 {\an8}My heart is beating like a jungle drum 1767 01:23:34,563 --> 01:23:36,855 {\an8}Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga, dung, dung, dung... 1768 01:23:38,105 --> 01:23:39,395 I'm gonna fuck you up! 1769 01:23:39,396 --> 01:23:42,521 Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. 1770 01:23:44,021 --> 01:23:45,813 {\an8}...like a jungle drum 1771 01:23:50,813 --> 01:23:53,104 {\an8}What, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. 1772 01:23:53,105 --> 01:23:55,980 {\an8}...the moment between the striking and the fire 1773 01:23:58,855 --> 01:24:00,312 {\an8}- A dragon, then. - SHULMAY: They're not real. 1774 01:24:00,313 --> 01:24:01,979 {\an8}(laughs) Fuck off. 1775 01:24:01,980 --> 01:24:04,146 {\an8}...kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss 1776 01:24:05,313 --> 01:24:08,938 {\an8}No one ever stopped 1777 01:24:09,105 --> 01:24:12,980 My hands are in the air, yes, I'm in love 1778 01:24:13,105 --> 01:24:16,938 My heart is beating like a jungle drum 1779 01:24:17,188 --> 01:24:19,187 Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga, dung, dung, dung 1780 01:24:19,188 --> 01:24:22,771 My heart is beating like a jungle drum 1781 01:24:23,271 --> 01:24:25,354 Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga, dung, dung, dung 1782 01:24:25,355 --> 01:24:28,938 My heart is beating like a jungle drum 1783 01:24:29,355 --> 01:24:31,354 Rung, dung, da-rung, gung, gung... 1784 01:24:31,355 --> 01:24:35,313 My heart is beating like a jungle drum 1785 01:24:35,521 --> 01:24:37,479 Rung, dung, da-rung, gung, gung... 1786 01:24:37,480 --> 01:24:41,271 My heart is beating like a jungle drum 1787 01:24:41,438 --> 01:24:43,520 Rung, dung, da-rung, gung, gung... 1788 01:24:43,521 --> 01:24:46,813 My heart is beating like a jungle drum 1789 01:24:50,355 --> 01:24:53,730 Rung, dung, da-rung, gung, gung...(repeated) 1790 01:25:05,855 --> 01:25:11,855 My heart is beating like a jungle drum 1791 01:25:13,896 --> 01:25:17,730 My heart is beating like a jungle drum 1792 01:25:17,896 --> 01:25:20,270 My heart is beating like a jungle... 1793 01:25:20,271 --> 01:25:22,605 Rung, dung, da-rung, gung, gung... 1794 01:25:23,355 --> 01:25:25,271 (upbeat marching music) 1795 01:30:57,646 --> 01:31:00,104 {\an8}LEOFWINE: I'm alive, Dagan! 1796 01:31:00,105 --> 01:31:03,521 {\an8}I'm still alive! (gurgles)