[door closes]
[whimsical music playing]
[sighs]
I know it's a bit of a mess.
Come. Come, come, come.
Do you want some tea?
Sorry, I... I know this is probably overkill.
I was just putting out some food.
Just snacks, you know,
in case you were feeling peckish.
You don't have any dietary restrictions, do you?
No.
Great. I don't either.
Well, I... I don't do dairy, gluten, or soy,
but they're not allergies.
You know, at restaurants,
when they ask you if it's an allergy,
and it can feel so shaming because you have to be like,
"No, it's a food sensitivity," which is, of course, lady code
for "I'm worried about being bloated."
Not that I am...
I have a very healthy self-image.
It's... it's really more about like inflammation earnestly.
Right.
Okay. So, uh, tea.
[chuckles] I made a matcha.
We brought it back from Japan.
We went there for our honeymoon... have a seat...
two years ago now, which I mean,
it seems like literally yesterday
that we met our... our friends.
And, well... well, we were set up.
So, you know how that goes.
I-I... I've actually never--
Carrots. Ugh. I'm sorry.
You know, we were, um,
we were expecting you a little later.
So anyway, I wasn't so sure at first, you know.
I just got out of a pretty serious relationship,
so I was a little gun-shy.
Elijah, on the other hand,
and you know how it is with guys.
I have just always been drawn to the ones
who kind of made me work for their affection,
which is, you know, as my therapist says,
an attempt to repair
the "trauma bonds of my childhood..." Little T.
Not that I had a traumatic childhood.
It-it was really totally standard.
Uh, I mean, my parents separated when I was 12
and continued living together until I was 17.
But ultimately, it was a very loving household.
Um, brie?
- Uh, no, thank you. - But, you know, Elijah,
he was persistent and so romantic.
I... I fell pretty hard once I let myself.
He's just... he's so wonderful, you know, like, truly.
I mean, you know the kind of guy
who, like, stands up at a restaurant
when you go to the bathroom? Like, I had never...
That level of whatever it is, like, like manners, I guess.
But more than that, like mindfulness, really.
Hm. Will you eat hummus?
I'm actually not very hungry.
Okay. Who knows. You might change your mind later.
But I just grew to realize
that I had never experienced that in a man.
Like, I had somehow tricked myself into believing
that love looked like a completely different...
Like, it was the sort of lethal one-two punch of,
of seduction and withdrawal.
Those cycles that are...
are really at the core of any addiction.
And I use the term loosely, little A,
but just that push and pull
that ultimately leaves you feeling empty,
you know, once the high is worn off.
I have never done drugs.
Um, I smoked pot once in college,
but it made me so paranoid I never tried it again.
Um... Once I accidentally tried heroin, I just snorted it.
Someone told me it was Ritalin.
I thought I was taking it to finish a paper.
I made a bread. It's a sourdough.
The, uh, the starter is actually from the 1900s.
- It's pretty cool. [chuckles] - Oh.
Ultimately, you know,
it just boils down to trust, right?
Which I mean, you know,
as women, is just this total emotional minefield.
Like my mom, she was a real second-wave feminist
and I say that with a capital F.
Like, I could barely walk and she was telling me
never to share my finances with a lover
because he will leave you for a younger woman
and rob you blind, she said,
so I just went the opposite route.
I rebelled by being too trusting.
So, of course, I got burned,
but it's our nature to be trusting
and sadly, it is men's nature to put themselves first.
And I know, I know you might think
that is too binary a perspective.
And it is, it is, it is essentialist really and...
and in today's postmodernist, you know, we should really...
But... [chuckles] my analyst actually says
that this is my fatal flaw,
trying to just like sort out the world into dualities.
I stopped seeing her, by the way. No hard feelings.
I just, I didn't love her office.
But with Elijah, it was like this very healing
course correct, if that makes any sense.
I'm sorry. I'm talking so much.
I just, uh, I feel like these are things
you're gonna want to know, right?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
[moans over food]
Why don't I show you the house?
So, this is the living room.
This, uh... this was my idea.
I hired someone on Task Rabbit.
This couple showed up, perfectly nice, presentable.
They were here for like eight hours,
and... oh, my God, I have to check on the frittata.
[dish clatters]
[whimsical music playing]
[clattering]
Anyway, [chuckles] about a month later,
I come down here to grab one of Elijah's books of poetry,
and... they'd inscribed every single one.
[Mae] Jesus.
That's right, literally. Jesus in every one.
I mean, they did it in pencil, so technically, I...
I could have erased them all, but there's just something
so wild about the whole thing,
I figured, "Eh." Good party story anyway.
[chuckles]
Okay. Uh, let's... let's go upstairs. [chuckles]
Elijah despises the pillows,
but I just find them so regal, you know?
And I get it, taking them off every night,
putting them back on in the morning
feels sort of futile,
but everything in life is when you think about it,
so why not have a fucking throw pillow or two?
So, this is currently Elijah's office,
but obviously, we're really excited to rethink it.
I'm sorry. Um...
look, I know I sound insane,
talking a mile a minute. This isn't...
I'm usually much more grounded. Whatever.
It's just...
I have been so nervous in the weeks leading up to this.
And Elijah, he... he gets it, he does,
but I just wanted everything to be so perfect
so that you could see.
And now you're... you're finally here.
And, um...
This is just a big deal for us. It has been so painful,
as I'm sure you can imagine,
to just, to try and try.
We really want this baby.
We deserve this baby. [sniffles]
And I promise you we will be the most loving,
devoted, selfless parents that her mom could wish for.
[cries]
[doorbell rings]
Uh...
Elijah must have forgotten his key.
Will you excuse me?
[footsteps receding]
[Sandy] Hello, can I help you?
I'm Regina Moss from the adoption agency.
We're scheduled for a house visit today.
[Sandy] Um, there must be some mix-up.
Um, I'm sorry, this is very confusing.
[Regina] Did I get the time wrong?
Who the hell are you?
I am calling the police!
[Mae] Shit!
[Sandy] Hello. This woman came into my house
pretending to be a social worker from an adoption agency.
Get back here!
I... I don't know what she's sussing it out for,
maybe a robbery.
Hey! Hey!
[both women straining]
Listen, lady!
[yelling]
Get off me!
[groaning]
[exhaling, groans]
[groans]
[wheels rolling]
[strains]
[grunts]
[grunting]
Hi! Oh, my God!
[exclaims] I didn't see you there, sir.
And I am locked out of my brownstone.
I was wondering if maybe I could go through yours
just to meet the locksmith on the street.
Sure.
[panting]
Hey, thank you so much.
You're most welcome.
You... you, uh, take care of yourself, okay?
That's her!
[panting]
- [woman] Hey! - [Mae] Sorry!
[officer] Hey, stop!
[grunts]
- [grunts] - [man] Ooh.
Sorry.
- They after you? - Yeah, yeah.
Gotcha.
[men exclaiming]
Let's get you out of here.
[Mae] This is so nice of you.
I... I don't mean to put you out.
I just need to stay off the street for a little while.
Oh, I got you. Fuck the police.
I'm Eddie, by the way.
Mae.
- Ma, we got company. - [girl giggling]
Hi. You want food? I made this lunch.
Hey.
- [Jasmine] Sorry. - Are you out of your mind?
We say grace in this house.
- Yes, Mom. - It's 'cause she's got a date.
- [Jasmine] Shut up. - Hey. Jasmine! Dougie!
She wouldn't be mad if it wasn't true.
I'll say grace. I pray to the Lord our God,
the great L. Ron Hubbard.
Uh, she's doing a Scientology one again.
[Yolanda] That was your last family, Alia.
We don't do that shit in this house.
Can we eat, please?
Mae, you wanna do the honors?
Oh, um...
Who is Mae?
She's... an outlaw.
[Mae chuckles]
Does your family say grace, Mae?
Oh, I actually, um,
I... I grew up with a lot of different families.
- No way. - She's one of us.
Can somebody please say grace?
Mae?
Uh... No, I...
I'll say it. I'm here. I'm queer. I have no fear.
Thank you, Yolanda, for all the food,
and thank you for being so nice.
[Eddie] Amen.
You forgot Jesus, but that'll work.
Please tell me who this boy is, Jasmine.
Yolanda, please.
Her house, her rules.
Ooh, she rolled her eyes at you.
You should go to Sea Org for that.
His name's Tommy. He's two grades above me.
Older man.
We're just getting ice cream. It's nothing.
Well, I'm sorry, but you're too young
to be going on a date by yourself.
- Yolanda! - [Yolanda] Only with a guardian.
- [Jasmine] No! - Eddie.
No, that's so embarrassing.
You can take Mae. It'll be like a double date.
- [Eddie] Ma, that... - [Yolanda] What?
That's... that's up to Mae.
- [Mae chuckles] - Okay. Well, Mae?
Um... Yeah, sure.
So, uh, is this your first date?
Like, in my life?
I guess, technically.
My first date was a disaster.
Oh, yeah?
[chuckles] Yeah, I was, um, living with this family.
They were alcoholics.
They only fostered to make money.
So, they're about to be out on their asses.
Been there.
And, uh, they could give a shit about, you know,
me or my whereabouts,
which at the time I thought was cool
because my family before that was super strict.
Too strict... like, abusive strict.
I've been there, too.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
So, uh, what happened?
Uh, I liked this boy at school and he asked me out.
I got all dressed up.
I, like, stole lipstick from a drugstore. [chuckles]
- Oh, you bad. - [laughs]
What'd he do? He stood you up?
No, he was there.
From a distance, I saw he had set up
this whole, like, romantic picnic.
He got all my favorite snacks and there was a flower.
And?
And I turned around.
[Jasmine] What the hell is the moral of that story?
- I don't know, I guess it-- - [Tommy] Jasmine.
Bye.
I can't believe you left him in the dust.
- [Mae laughs] - Ice cold.
Well, I mean, he did lie and tell everyone
that we had sex after that
and then I was forever known as a slut
even though I was clearly terrified of intimacy, so...
- Oh, shit. Fuck that kid. - [laughs] Yeah.
Are you fucking kidding me? I texted you like six times.
- I was having lunch. - With her?
I mean, yes, but like with... with my family.
You brought her to meet your family?
- Oh, no-- - You're a dog, Eddie.
And you know how I know?
'Cause I looked in your motherfucking DMs.
- What? - Who's Claudia?
She's a breaker, dude.
[Tonya] Oh, I hate when you call me dude.
Why? That word is not like gendered anymore.
I'm not your dude. I'm your girl.
Or maybe I'm not your girl
since you haven't taken me to meet your family.
That... that actually was--
Seriously, if you don't shut the fuck up!
Yo, why do you bring drama wherever you go, though?
- I bring drama? - [Eddie] Oh, my...
You tell me you love me and then you ghost me.
[Eddie] Oh, my God. You move too much.
That's fucking drama, fucking murder you.
You told me that I was your person...
- [Mae] Shit. - ...that you found your person.
Yo, can we hang sometime?
Are you kidding me? I fucking knew it!
[panting]
You won't get away with this!
[shrieking]
[bike bell rings]
[groans]
Police, help! Help!
[Sandy groaning]
Oh, my God. [panting]
[panting] Jesus.
[dogs barking]
[man] Hey, watch where you're going, lady.
[woman] This is a park, dude. I can walk wherever I want.
[man] Not in the middle of the road, you can't.
This is for automobiles.
[woman] Oh, really? From the 1900s?
Drive a car like a regular person.
[man] Oh, now you insult my carriage.
[woman] You're making my animals upset.
And you know why? Because they're witnessing
the abuse of their fellow four-legged.
[man] Oh, I've had this horse since I was 11 years old.
Okay. And when was that? A hundred years ago?
[man] Oh, you got a real mouth on you, lady. Very unwomanly.
How's this for unwomanly? Suck my dick!
Yeah.
It's okay, Rocco. What a stinking man.
- Oh, hey, baby. How you doing? - Gina. Gina.
[Gina] I'm fine. I'm fine. Really.
Really. Really.
Don't worry about that dude.
I know you're very emotionally porous.
But remember what I always say.
Your toxic masculinity is not female toxic masculinity!
Oh, hey, yeah. Sorry again I couldn't make it
to the birthday party yesterday.
I had so many friggin' dogs to walk.
And you know, I just generally hate children.
Except Eva. Pasty strong award for her.
Irritating, sure.
But that comes with the territory.
Hey, Rocco, no, no. Rocco, no, no.
Sit. Sit.
Rocco's in heat. Join the club, Rocco.
Sorry. My bad. What's up?
I don't know exactly how to tell you this.
[gasps] It's cancer?
What?
It doesn't have to be a death sentence.
And you know what, if it is? Mazel tov! Life sucks.
N-no. No, it's not. Um, Gina. I'm--
Pregnant? Oh, God, I'm not somebody
that can pretend to be excited for you.
Sorry. I ju... You remember the last time you told me?
I fell asleep mere moments after hearing the news.
No, no, I'm not pregnant. I... I never was pregnant.
This is what I'm trying to tell you.
Hold up. You pulled some Beyoncé shit?
Fake belly flower crowns for Insta photos?
Mae, that's hard. I actually love this for you.
Touch me. Ah, ah. [laughs]
Okay. Gina, can... can we actually sit down?
Yeah, sure.
- Uh, excuse me. - Okay.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
[dogs barking]
[Gina] Okay.
Gina, what do you do for a living?
Well, I walk dogs...
really for pleasure more than pesos.
Mostly I consider myself an animal psychic.
What?
I speak to animals through telepathic orbits,
kind of like a couples' therapist
for pets and their owners.
It's energetically draining but highly rewarding work.
Okay. See, but this is what I'm trying to tell you.
You are not a pet psychic.
That... that's not even a real job.
Uh, the animal kingdom at large would beg to differ,
but you're bipedalist, so.
Gina, you are an associate curator
at the Radner Museum of Art. I am also an associate curator.
I am married to a man named Elijah.
But in this world, Elijah is married to this,
like, hypermanic narcissist.
I mean, no shade, you know, women supporting women,
but, like, they gutted our house
and are adopting a fricking baby.
Oh.
Okay, I met Sandy two nights ago.
I woke up the next morning, and I had a kid with her.
The night before that, I slept with this super-hot man.
I mean, just really, really very hot.
Had just met him, woke up the next day married to him.
I was invited to the Met Ball
and Anna Wintour followed me on Instagram.
Listen, I think...
I think my pussy is a wormhole.
I mean, that's kind of crass, but, yeah, you can call it that.
No, no, no.
Like, I'm being transported to other dimensions
every time I orgasm.
Damn. That's goals.
Gina, please. I'm being serious.
You're the only constant in every world.
I mean, your life is altered slightly
but you're always my friend.
And that... that has to mean something.
Please. I need your help.
Mae, I think we just need to get you to your doctor.
Postpartum really messed you up
so maybe this is like post-postpartum?
No! Give me your phone.
Okay, what, what, what? What are you doing?
That's my phone. Mae?
I can prove it to you.
Prove what?
Girl, you're gonna mess with my algorithm.
[phone keys clacking]
That I am not meant to be here.
That I'm trying to get back to my old life.
Here. The Dakini.
Tomorrow, you'll see that... that,
or... I don't know if you will...
I guess... she'll be our test.
Mae, okay. I... I really want to help you.
I really do.
But I think we need to get you to, like, a professional.
You know, I just don't know that much about schizophrenia
or multiple personality disorder or whatever.
You know, like, outside of what I learned from that TV show
with Toni Collette back in the day.
I can show you.
Hey.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will wake up
in a new dimension and I will call you.
Honestly, dude, do you hear?
And things will be slightly different,
but you will still be my best friend.
And as my best friend,
I just need you to keep showing up.
And I will try...
I will try to show you as best I can.
- Okay. - Mae?
Mae? Mae? Mae?
I don't care what it was trading at yesterday. Sell!
Fucking sell!
Hey there.
[Mae] Hi.
I was just handling some business.
Right.
- I play with money for a living. - Ha-ha.
So that's me.
You look different than your photo.
Uh, yeah. I got surgery on my face.
Love surgery. Jump in.
You like steak? I'm a stock trader.
Mostly oil, genetically modified food manufacturers.
Hey, can you pull over?
You're not one of those environmentalists, are you?
No. God, no. I hate the environment.
I just want to fuck.
[tires screech]
Oh, no. How about no... no kissing?
Oh, that's dirty. I like it. I like it.
So, uh, you know, I like a little foreplay but--
Yeah. I have an idea.
What if you just slap a condom on your dick,
and we can... [clicks tongue] giddyup.
[groans]
Just, I never use these things.
Just such a... you know, it keeps coming off...
So where are you from?
Oh, my God.
[both moaning]
Okay.
Oh, yeah. Do you like that?
- No. - Oh, yeah. You wanna go.
[Mae shushes]
[both moaning]
I know what I like.
What do you like? Tell me what you like.
- I like quiet. - You like quiet?
Quiet, man. [shushes]
I'll be so quiet. [speaks indistinctly]
- Like a mime... - Like a what?
Like a mime. I could be your mime.
Yeah, you be my mime.
[moaning hard]
[shushes] Chalamet. Chalamet.
Chalamet. Chalamet.
- What are you sayin'? - What? No. Shut...
[moaning]
[shushes] Chalamet. Chalamet.
Chalamet. Chalamet. Chalamet.
[moaning]
[distant siren wailing]
[man] Well, I don't care what they say, Rowen.
Fucking sell!
[phone dial beeps]
Stupid bitch. I'm going to work.
I'll be late.
[upbeat music playing]
♪ Go for credit In the straight world ♪
♪ Look a dealer in the eye ♪
♪ Go for credit In the real world ♪
♪ Won't you try ♪
- [gasps] - [bus honks loudly]
[distant crowd screaming]
Shit.
[upbeat music playing]