(SIREN WAILING)
COSTELLO JONES: Thing is, bubs, if you live an interesting life,
people always gonna be chasin' after you.
IRIS JONES: Just don't lose your shit, Mommy.
COSTELLO: Oy! Language.
Do I look like someone who's about to lose their shit?
-IRIS: Yeah, you do. -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
BAILIFF: Can you open up, please?
IRIS: Do they think we're gangsters or something?
BAILIFF: Costello Jones, we know that you're in there.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
BAILIFF: Costello Jones, you owe the landlord
2,997 pounds and 98 pence!
Come on, Costello. Don't make me get the drill out.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
COSTELLO: Fucking early, aren't we?
Should be illegal to ruin someone's life
before nine a.m. Pricks!
IRIS: Ugh, Mom, you lost your shit.
BAILIFF: All right, she's had her chance, mate, let's go.
-Call Selby. -(HAND DRILL WHIRRING)
COSTELLO: He's looking after his sick mom.
-IRIS: Aunty G? -Oh, she's supposed to be here. Laptop, laptop.
I'll look after your writing. They can't catch me.
Thank you, bubs.
(HAND DRILL WHIRRING)
COSTELLO: Right, pass me Barrymore.
(GROANS)
What are you listening to?
-Good choice. -(CHUCKLES)
♪ ("SOUL NO. 5" BY CAROLINE ROSE PLAYING) ♪
(COSTELLO EXHALES)
♪ I do a hair flip I strut my stuff... ♪
Relax chaps, you'll be wanking yourself silly to this later.
♪ I don't have a job ♪
COSTELLO: Thank you.
♪ But I got a lot of time Baby, show me... ♪
COSTELLO: Poverty porn at its finest!
♪ Bang, bang and away she goes ♪
♪ Souped up And I'm ready to go ♪
♪ I got soul ♪
♪ (SONG ENDS ABRUPTLY) ♪
(WATER TRICKLING)
FLORIAN SELBY: Here you are, Mason. Books.
Get yourself an education.
Giving it the biggun now, are you?
Truth is, Selby, we both know you cried every night.
Well, they locked me in a cage and they called me savage,
doesn't mean that I have to be one
all the fucking time.
MASON: Ah, don't forget, if it weren't for me,
-you'd have no asshole left. -Hmm...
Put the money in my old lady's account every Friday.
When I'm out, we'll settle the balance.
Don't make me come looking for you.
-Goodbye, Mason. -♪ (SONG RESUMES) ♪
♪ Souped up And I'm ready to go ♪
♪ I got soul ♪
-♪ I got soul... ♪ -(INMATE 1 WHISTLES)
(INMATES JEERING)
SELBY: I'd say it's been a pleasure.
But it's been a living hell.
INMATE 2: You're the best bum boy
-in the world, Selby! -INMATE 3: Bye then, darling!
Enjoy your incarceration, boys.
-INMATE 3: See you later, bub. -I'm onto better things.
INMATE 4: Yeah, fuck off back to Eton.
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
Service wash, please, mate. I'll collect tomorrow.
Oy! I told you last time.
This isn't the Big Yellow Self-Storage Company.
Come on, Shady, look after my stuff.
-(SIGHS) Please, please. -Please.
Tomorrow morning,
-or they go in the bin. -Thank you. Thank you.
Come on, we're going to be late for school.
-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -IRIS: Thanks.
-I thought we had no money. -Just follow me.
Ah, Cheyne Walk please, driver.
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
-SELBY: Allegra! -(DOOR CLOSES)
I'm back!
See that house?
Bet that one has a swimming pool.
Oh, and three French bulldogs.
Mm. With a personal puppy trainer.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
And a grand piano, you know, like a-- a big, white, glorious,
-gay one. -(CHUCKLES)
You know, like Elton John would play.
-Oh, definitely. -Can I have piano lessons soon?
I promise you, once we're sorted,
I'll get you some piano lessons.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Are you feeling sick?
I reckon you're gonna vomit.
Oh, darling, are you all right?
(GROANS)
Um, excuse me, driver, I'm so sorry,
do you think we can pull over? I think she's going to be sick.
CABBIE: Oh, sure, yeah, I'll-- I'll pull over here.
-COSTELLO: Ugh, I'm so sorry. -(DOOR OPENS)
Are you going to be sick?
-All right, get ready to run. -I got it. I got it.
COSTELLO: It's a twatty thing to do.
-Run! I'm not usually a prick. -Hey! Oy!
What the fuck are you doing? Get back here!
-I promise. Well, sometimes I am. -CABBIE: You cheating cow!
-(GIGGLES) -(LAUGHS) Oh, God.
(COSTELLO PANTS)
-Right, love you. -IRIS: Love you.
-Don't die, I need you. -You think I'd really die
and leave you all alone in the world?
-Never. Never, never. -(CHUCKLES)
IRIS: All right.
-We'll be all right. -How do you know?
COSTELLO: Well, as you know,
I'm very connected to the spirits,
and an old ghost is saying
that at five p.m., we'll have a safe place to stay.
-All right. -All right.
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) -We will, though. Love you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
♪ (GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
COSTELLO: Gloria!
(LINE TRILLING)
GLORIA: (OVER VOICE MAIL) This is Gloria.
I don't listen to voicemails. Text me, twat.
(CELL PHONE BUZZES)
(EXHALES DEEPLY) Silly fucking bitch.
LENNY: Young lady.
Young lady! What is your name?
-Do you even know? -Gloria.
-My name's Gloria. -Gloria?
I know you, Lenny, you old wanker.
You're Costello's friend.
Uh-huh. (GASPS) Fuck.
Oh, my phone! Where am I?
LENNY: You're in the West End of London.
-Theatreland, W1. -I'm in so much trouble.
(GROANS)
-Can I borrow your coat? -Yeah.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Come on, let's get you another drink,
before the blues set in.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -(HUMS)
(CLEARS THROAT, SHUSHES)
I missed you, did you miss me?
Yeah.
So, is your mom better now?
Much. Much better.
Oh! I think you, uh, dropped something.
You haven't seen me.
-Thanks. -Okay.
I better go. Before I'm mistaken for a nonce.
Ooh, posh crisps.
Who do you think you are, the fucking Queen?
And ten pounds cashback, please.
NIKKI: All right.
Heard you got kicked out this morning.
Why not try paying your rent like the rest of us.
Got no shame, you.
Oh, do shut up, Nikki.
-Yeah, card declined. -(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Why don't you just get yourself a council place?
Oh, yeah, 'cause they're giving them away, aren't they?
-Well, they are. If you're foreign. -BRETT: True.
NIKKI: (CHUCKLES) He knows what I'm talking about.
Her and her kid got evicted this morning.
Can you try the card again, please?
-NIKKI: All right. -BRETT: I feel for you, girl.
I was raised by a single mom myself.
It's tough out there.
(CARD MACHINE BEEPING)
(CARD MACHINE BEEPS)
Declined.
Two quid, darling.
Oh, darling, can you check the milks over there?
All right, girl. Um, I can help.
I've got a studio flat on the Millbank Estate.
I mean, it ain't a palace or nothing.
When's it available?
Now. You know, like, straightaway.
Uh, 11 Carbridge Gardens, there's no deposit.
What's the rent?
Come and see it. Then we can talk terms and conditions.
Terms and conditions...
Oh, rent, whatever. I keep it caszh.
My treat. Enjoy.
♪ (GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-COSTELLO: Hiya. -Hi.
KONSTANTIN: You take your pussy out and dance
Tuesday and Thursday, and that's it.
I don't want to see up your ass.
Please, Konstantin, I really need the money.
Last week, you were a no-show.
You left me a girl down, remember?
Lolly, can I take your shift today?
No, sorry. Can't you work on psychic webcam?
-(LAUGHS) -Please, Konstantin. You know how hard I work.
Listen, don't shit in my mouth and tell me it's a Big Mac.
(SIGHS)
♪ (GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Well, well, the bitch is back.
Where are you?
(CLIENT PANTS, MOANS)
(SELBY GRUNTS, PANTS)
-(CLIENT MOANS) -(SELBY GAGS)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Sucking off old men, are we?
Times must be tough.
God, he's the spit of our old English professor.
He said he was a six-foot-two barista from Fitzrovia.
(CHUCKLES) God, I've missed you.
Well, life's shit without me, isn't it?
I mean, things still happen, they're just not as exciting.
(SIREN WAILING)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
How was it inside?
Hmm. Don't pretend to care.
Cheers.
SELBY: But, since you asked, exhausting.
Oh, who'd have thought, three meals a day
and all the cock you can eat could become tiresome.
-How's the writing going? -Great. Well, all right.
Good. Just a shame you couldn't write me
a fucking letter, isn't it? I was only there a year.
Well, consider it punishment for fucking up my life.
And anyway, you went fully fucking mental.
You almost beat that bloke to death.
Does that mean we're not best friends anymore?
Mm.
Suppose you need money.
-Can you lend me some? -You mean give?
Well, Allegra stopped my allowance when I was inside,
so until that's reinstated, I don't have much...
Oh, Allegra.
So, we're living back with Mommy, are we?
What are you, like, five?
Well, at least my mommy loves me. There you are.
Come on, she tolerates you. Thank you.
SELBY: Oh, too slow! Go on then, take it.
-Thank you. -SELBY: Oh, sorry!
No, no, no. Go on, take it. I'm serious, I'm serious.
(LAUGHING) Oh, sorry! Just take it.
-Just fucking take it. -Come on, stop being an asshole!
(LAUGHS) Oh, God, and they say I'm the violent one.
By the way, how are your family?
-Still dead. -Mm.
They're just still very much walking around, aren't they?
You know it's customary to bury the dead, don't you?
Stay away from me and Iris.
SELBY: Oh, but then everything would be so dull, darling.
♪ (GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Selby?
(DOOR CREAKS)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Then the bathroom's in here.
Uh, shower and toilet, sink and that.
I haven't got a bath, unfortunately.
Yeah.
So, we could move in today?
Yeah, of course. Of course, yeah.
Yeah, but I-- I sleep here.
Uh, this is where you and the little one will live.
(BULB BUZZING)
It's a cupboard.
Yeah, you can put some fairy lights up
and that makes it proper little cozy.
Last mommy I helped out stayed two years.
-What's the catch? -Oh, no.
Listen, girl, I ain't gonna make you sign no contract.
Rent free. Room's yours if you need it,
just do a bit of cleaning for me.
Okay.
I'll let you know.
-Thanks. -All right.
-Bye. -Okay. All right.
♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
ANSWERPHONE: Welcome to the London and Southeast
Homelessness Helpline,
all our call operators are busy right now.
If you are homeless or about to be made homeless,
please register on our website at--
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -COSTELLO: Gloria?
(SIGHS) Where the hell is she?
IRIS: I thought the spirits were gonna find us a place by five.
COSTELLO: Yeah, well, that's the problem with spirits,
they're as unreliable as the rest of us.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC FADES INTO BACKGROUND) ♪
Now, I told you before, never get between a man
and his mahjong.
♪ (GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
You can't stay here.
I'm waiting for my washing.
Unmanned between nine and six. Ain't safe.
You can get a B&B for, like, 40 quid, you know.
Yeah, why didn't I think of that? Come on, bubba.
You can't, it's Aunty G's. Mommy! (GROANS)
Okay. Aunty G won't mind.
Out the way.
Okay.
(COSTELLO GROANS)
-You in? -IRIS: Yeah.
COSTELLO: Come on. (GRUNTS)
This will be all right for a bit.
-IRIS: Hmm. -COSTELLO: Aunty G will be back soon.
(SIGHS)
You got any homework?
-IRIS: Yeah. -COSTELLO: Let's crack on then.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Mahjong!
(PLAYERS GROANING)
(IN MANDARIN)
(IN ENGLISH) Up the stakes?
It hasn't been the same here without you.
Too fucking right.
I'm tired and a bit scared. Can you call Selby?
I told you Selby is with his sick mommy.
No. She's better now. He came to school.
He asked me not to tell you.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
COSTELLO: One number two, two fours, four fives,
-a seven. How much is a nine? -Fiver.
Another number seven.
I thought you had no money.
I mean, no wonder if you're spunking it all
on scratch cards.
All right, I need 40 quid for a B&B.
What else am I supposed to fucking do?
(COINS CLATTERING)
COSTELLO: Thank you, Nikki, that's really kind, thank you.
No, no, don't fuss. Have 'em. They're disgusting.
We won. A tenner!
-Ooh! -Ah.
-Ah, ten quid! -Right.
That means we've got 20 quid, we go again.
Four nines.
One of these babies is gonna land us in the Ritz.
Sweet dreams, bubba.
(TUBE LIGHT BUZZING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
-Sorry for, um, calling so late. -Of course, happy to help.
Just for the one night, though. Thank you, Brett.
BRETT: Yeah.
Sure you don't want anything stronger?
Oh, no.
Here, put this on.
Terms and conditions apply.
Just this, nothing else?
Yeah 'course, I'm not a pervert.
You do a good fucking impression of one.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(PANTS)
(SIGHS)
BRETT: Here, the last mommy here,
she had an eating disorder,
so the nighty might be a bit tight-y.
Hurry up.
(PANTS)
BRETT: Here, come on. I need to see you.
Oh, it's lovely.
Just like one of those wrestlers from the 90s. I like that a lot.
Oh.
All right, don't worry. You're not fat or nothing.
You just got a food bank body, that's all.
What the fuck's that?
BRETT: You know...
lots of carbs. (CHUCKLES)
I prefer kissing over penetration.
W-- What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it?
Right, nothing comes for free, babe.
-(LINE TRILLING) -(COSTELLO PANTS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
COSTELLO: (OVER VOICE MAIL) Oh, uh, hi, Selby,
I've somehow found myself trapped in a pervert's cupboard.
Can you come get us? We're on the Millbank Estate,
11 Carbridge Gardens. And hurry. Please.
Now that-- That's Mahjong, motherfuckers.
(CROWD CHEER, APPLAUD)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
BRETT: You're gonna have to come out some time.
-(DOORBELL RINGS) -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(BRETT GROANS)
Hello, darling.
He prefers kissing over penetration.
Ooh, does he?
Me, too.
-You entitled little bitch. -SELBY: Get Iris.
-(COUGHS) -Hello.
Hello, hello, hello.
(BRETT GROANS, COUGHS)
-(PANTS) -(BRETT GROANS, COUGHS)
C'mon.
The fuck were you thinking?
COSTELLO: We had nowhere else to go!
-(INHALES DEEPLY) -No.
Or you'll end up back in prison with the butch boys.
(EXHALES SHARPLY, PANTS)
Ah.
♪ (GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Enough of this shit show.
Hello, beauty.
Okay, we're off. C'mon.
I need to close your eyes
until you feel the fresh air on your cheeks, okay?
Yeah.
(BRETT GROANS)
"Fucking entitled"?
(BANGING ON DOOR)
How much do you owe the landlord?
COSTELLO: Three grand.
(BANGING CONTINUES)
(PANTS)
IRIS: Whoa! Mom, it's empty.
Sort it tomorrow.
Give me your phone, I'm putting a tracker on it.
Iris, come say goodbye to Selby, he's leaving.
Love you, Costello.
And I love you too, Selby. Now fuck off and die.
(CHUCKLES) I can't do that, can I? Okay, bye-bye.
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) We're family.
♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
-You okay? -Yeah.
I bet that house we saw this morning
-has got a king-size bed. -And goose down duvets.
-And like 200 Le Creuset pans. -(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
(CHIMES)
Oh, wow.
A hundred days.
-COSTELLO: Hundred days. -Does it feel like it?
-Yes. (CHUCKLES) -(IRIS CHUCKLES)
And I'll be your little reminder every time.
-To not drink-- -To not drink wine.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I'm really proud of you, Mommy.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
POLICE OFFICER 1: Can you open the door, please?
POLICE OFFICER 2: Costello! Costello Jones.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
POLICE OFFICER 2: Look, we know you're in there.
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
COSTELLO: What the fuck are you looking at?
♪ ("STOLE MY PUSH BIKE" BY AMYL AND THE SNIFFERS PLAYING) ♪
♪ Someone stole my push bike And I want it back ♪
♪ I said! You stole my push bike I want it back ♪
♪ I want it back ♪
♪ Someone stole my push bike I think it's you ♪
♪ So I come in the house Well, I'm coming for you ♪
♪ Someone stole my push bike I think it's you ♪
♪ I think it's you ♪
♪ You! ♪
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪