- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Madam.
Selby?
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Mason.
Out so soon.
- How did you get in here? - MASON: You know me.
Proper charmer.
Hmm.
- Where's my money? - Um... (CLICKS TONGUE)
- I-- I don't have it. - You sure?
Uh, 20K? I think I'd know, wouldn't I?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Um...
What's the rush? Uh, don't tell me.
- Business opportunity? - MASON: Yeah, as it happens.
Stake in a bar. Acapulco. Sun, sea.
- Fucking. - (CHUCKLES)
A convict on a beach is a story as old as time.
It will go belly up and you know it.
(SIGHS) That lovely little girl of yours. What's her name?
- Iris, innit? - (TEA POURING)
- (TEAPOT CLINKING) - Easy, boy.
I ain't to be trifled with.
I'm a rough cunt. Don't need to tell you that.
Well, I know people, too.
Yeah? Lived with you for a year, not one visitor.
Ain't no one got your back.
I just need time.
Forty-eight hours. (MUNCHES)
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SIGHS)
COMMENTATOR: ...and they're off out of the traps.
It's traps three and four straight out as we thought,
but it's the outsider Sammy Lee as he stretches ahead...
Come on, Sammy Lee. Save my life. Save my life.
COMMENTATOR: Oh! Oh. And Sammy Lee's down.
Sammy Lee is down.
That's most unusual, but the race goes on.
Red Jack moving ahead...
Fuck you, Sammy Lee. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Allegra?
Uh, Allegra. Allegra, I need a favor.
Yeah, would it hurt for you to call me mommy?
Very much.
I did carry you for seven and a half months.
FLORIAN SELBY: Oh, yes, I know.
Last month and a half was just too much, wasn't it?
- Places to be. - If it's money you're after,
- you can forget it. - Forget it then.
♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Oh, God.
- SELBY: I'm in a spot of bother. - Yes.
I don't suppose you could free up some of Daddy's cash.
ALLEGRA: You know, I had such high hopes for you.
I thought you'd achieve fortune and acclaim,
thanks to your intellect.
But instead, you've just dragged the family name
- through the gutter. - More than Papa?
No, not more than your father, but you will.
Certain of that.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
- Can I have some money, Mommy? - No, get a job.
I mean, after all, you have been living here rent free,
haven't you?
Isn't it time you actually thought
of doing something... useful with your life?
(CLICKS TONGUE) No. Um, you're right.
You're right. I should, um--
I should work high up in a bank, marry someone I despise,
have children I don't have time for,
get a little rent boy on the side
before topping myself at 55.
What a capital idea, Allegra. Have a wonderful day!
Lady in here, 94.
- (GROANS) - And even she's had more dick
than you in the past decade.
Well, Richard's cooking me dinner, so...
He picked you up outside a peep show.
He's basically Travis Bickle with a friendship bracelet.
- (CHUCKLES) - Man's so worthy,
- he gives me the pussy-shits. - (CHUCKLES)
- He's just so... (IMITATES RETCHING) - COSTELLO JONES: Yeah,
but it's time to stick some dick up there.
GLORIA: Yes. 'Cause you haven't been laid
since Whitney Houston died.
- All right. - Mm-hmm. That's 2012.
- ♪ (SONG PLAYING OVER RADIO) ♪ - No, Whit.
We will always love you.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
- GLORIA: Aw... - All right?
Totally fuckable.
So, are you gonna sit on a dick tonight or what?
I am, even if it kills me.
What's the worst that could happen?
(CHUCKLES)
Not to alarm you, but honestly,
you are going to fucking love this!
- Am I? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All the cool couples are doing it.
COSTELLO: Richard, I've had rapes
that began this way.
Ta-da!
- (SIRENS WAILING) - (DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE)
I'm not gonna rape you.
Fancy a Thai green curry?
Look... (CHUCKLES)
You know, they call me Robin Hood of the bins.
It's all perfectly good stuff that they throw away.
Come on, don't be a snob.
Get in the bin.
Get fucked.
I'm just trying to stop us burning alive
- on this dying planet. - COSTELLO: Mm.
(EXHALES) It comforts me, Richard,
to know we're in such safe hands with you.
- RICHARD: Hmm. - (SINGING VOICE APPROACHING)
COSTELLO: Oh, fuck.
(VOICE VOCALIZING)
(SINGING) ♪ I was gambling in Havana ♪
You creepy little fucker. You tracked me, didn't you?
I put trackers on all my friends' phones.
I care too much.
Anyway, the company you keep, you can't be too careful.
- Where's Iris? - With Gloria.
I'm on a date. (WHISPERS) Please fuck off.
- Oh, on a date. She's on a date! - COSTELLO: No! Oh, God!
- SELBY: On a date. - COSTELLO: No, no.
- With who, hmm? - (SIGHS)
Hmm? (CHUCKLES)
Oh.
Well, you've picked some low-hanging fruit before,
- but this is ridiculous. - (CHUCKLES)
He's in a bin. (SNICKERS)
Sorry, uh, Richard. This is Selby, a friend.
Uh, Selby. This is Richard.
- He's cooking me dinner. - SELBY: Hmm.
Hello, mate.
Hello. I can take you to dinner. The bin beast can join, too.
Have you been to a restaurant before, Dickie?
- Prezzo doesn't count. - COSTELLO: (GROANS) Ignore him.
He a certified twat. It has been proven.
(SELBY AND RICHARD CHUCKLE)
- Come on. - Okay.
- SELBY: (CHUCKLES) Good. - (CLICKS TONGUE)
- Cockblocking 'cause you care, are we? - (CHUCKLES)
- Thank you very much for that. - Come on, Dick!
- (CHUCKLING) Oh, my God. - (SELBY CHUCKLES)
(COSTELLO CHUCKLES) Stop.
♪ (POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) ♪
IRIS JONES: She's out with a man, you know?
GLORIA: It's just a date.
I don't know like men. I think they're disgusting.
Some are all right.
Paul will be here soon, you'll like him.
- Aunty G, what's a whore? - What?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, okay. Um...
Moll Flanders, official whore. Wore it proudly.
Divine Brown, iconic whore.
Julia Roberts played a whore in the film Pretty Woman.
Made every girl wanna to be one. (CHUCKLES)
Billie Piper, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, ITV whore.
And that's the four whores of the apocalypse. (GRUNTS)
- (CHUCKLES) - (SIGHS)
So, is Mom a whore?
Your mom's definitely not a whore.
If anything, she's the opposite of one.
Why do you ask?
Ava said that her mom saw my mom in the newspaper
bragging about being a whore.
Yeah, that definitely didn't happen.
- Okay. - GLORIA: Come on.
Who's Ava? Is she a friend of yours?
She controls the playground.
I mean, she's excited about coming around
for a playdate, though.
She's never been to a "whore house."
Next time I pick you up from school,
you point her out to me.
I'll sort her out.
(IMITATES GURGLING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
SELBY: It's just such a shame you should meet Costello
during one of her sober periods. She's usually a lot more fun.
- (SCOFFS) - RICHARD: What?
Just look at her. She's fun.
Oh.
Don't be disheartened, Dick. She always pushes people away.
You just hang in there, my boy.
- Known each other long? - Since university.
Yes, that was where I first hit you, wasn't it?
(GROANS) You call it a hit, you left a tiny graze.
- It was a significant bruise. - I punched him once.
- SELBY: Oh, she did. - (CHUCKLES)
- Were you together? - Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Dickie! No!
No. I'm not a bi, or a pan, or a fluid.
I picked a side and I stuck through it.
I'm a classical homosexual.
- God, you are so drunk. - And you can do better than him.
Yeah, of course, I can. But, you know, times are tough.
Ah, she says it is as it is. Oh, I love that.
Mm.
Oh.
I hear she hasn't had sex in a decade.
- Oh, my God. - Well,
tonight's your lucky night, Dickie boy.
You've won the fuck lottery and it's a rollover.
You know, I think you two have got a very toxic relationship.
Thank you very much.
I do.
So, Mom got cancer, she died and then Dad fucked off.
Then it was care home, to care home,
to care home, to foster home,
and then back to care home. But I never got nonced.
Silver lining?
You?
Well, my mom walked out on us when I was eight
and I haven't heard from her since.
And you've met my dad. Big man in the community.
Always disappointed in me.
That shit messes with your head, mate.
I just get on with it.
- Respect. - (CHUCKLES)
I don't normally meet women like you.
I bet you don't.
(PAUL KISSES)
- Do you mind if I join her? - Knock yourself out.
- Don't go anywhere. - I'm right here.
We're gonna dance like no one's watching.
GLORIA: Please don't do that.
People are watching and they've seen us together.
(COIN RATTLING)
- (CHUCKLES) - Step aside. Watch and learn.
VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER: Are you ready?
- Let's go. - All right!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
He is a ridiculous man. A poverty voyeur...
who just wants his grubby little experience,
a glimpse of the tampon string, to spend the night in a flat
with a pay-as-you-go electricity meter.
COSTELLO: You'll never let me meet anyone.
- He's a fucking pervert! - So are you!
Yes, but in a normal way!
Whatever happens with this twat or any other twat...
just don't take Iris away from me.
- I'd never do that to you. - Hmm.
Don't fuck him.
He's using you. You give him authenticity.
I'm gonna give him a hand job and a blowjob.
- (URINE TRICKLING) - Oh, my God.
Don't put bin cock in your mouth.
You're better than that!
♪ ("JANE SAYS" BY JANE'S ADDICTION PLAYING) ♪
♪ Jane says I'm done with Sergio... ♪
You feel like Louis Theroux
on one of his weird weekends, don't you?
- How the other half live! - Stop it. I don't.
I like you.
♪ Says I don't owe Him nothing ♪
♪ But if he come back again... ♪
- (SOFTLY) I'm scared. - About the...
We don't have to do it tonight.
(COSTELLO MOANS)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Would you like me to finger you gently?
(COSTELLO MOANS SOFTLY)
- Can you feel the scars? - Yeah, I like them.
- Is it baggy down there? - Oh, no, it's tight.
- Really? How tight? - Tight as... (EXHALES DEEPLY)
Tight as Norway's fiscal policy.
Tight as the bond between Fidel and Che.
(BOTH BREATHE DEEPLY)
Tight as the mental health budget
- in this country. - (CHUCKLES)
Which is an utter scandal.
- Do I have your consent? - (SCOFFS)
God, I've been looking forward to this for such a long time.
Come here, baby girl.
(MOANS)
- I didn't even... - (RICHARD MOANS SOFTLY)
- ...touch it. - Yeah.
- (BREATHES DEEPLY) - (SIGHS)
Oh, I'm a bit embarrassed.
(KISSES, BREATHES DEEPLY) Would you like to cry?
Mm, no, I wouldn't.
Would you mind if I do?
(SOBS, SNIFFLES)
- (KISSES) - ♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(DOOR OPENING, CLOSING)
(DOOR LOCKING)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Yep, give me a second. (GROANS)
Come on. (INHALES)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Yep.
Come on, help a man out.
- (GROANS) - MASON: Hunting for cock?
Thought you'd be looking for my money.
- You fucking should be. - (GROANS) Mason, get off.
The money is coming. (YELPS)
- (CHUCKLES) Let's go get it then. - (SELBY GROANS)
- You're not even hard. - Oh, fuck.
- (DOOR CREAKS) - SELBY: (GROANS) Fuck.
(EXHALES)
(SIGHS)
(RICHARD BREATHES HEAVILY)
(RHYTHMIC POUNDING)
(MOANS)
(CONTINUES BREATHING HEAVILY) (POUNDING CONTINUES)
Hey. Oh, give us another chance.
Oh, dear.
Get the fuck out.
Come on, Louis CK. Out you get.
C'mon, not the L word, that's-- that's unfair.
(DOOR UNLOCKING)
RICHARD: Right then. It has come to my attention
that I have indulged in behavior that some find inappropriate.
Well, what am I meant to do with this?
Take it with you, I presume.
Yeah.
You know I'm better than you, right?
Yeah, I know.
(SIGHS, BREATHES DEEPLY)
- (MAIL THUDS AGAINST FLOOR) - ♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
GLORIA: So, was his dick in you at any point?
♪ (R&B MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO) ♪
Well, then it doesn't count. The losing streak continues.
Thank you for looking after Iris, though.
Did you and Paul have fun with her?
Of course. I'm her Auntie G.
COSTELLO: Can I ask another favor?
Would you be able to pick Iris up from school later?
- Please? - Why don't you ask Florian Selby
since you spend all your time with him?
I looked after you when he was locked up.
But now, he's out, I don't ever see you.
You know I need to work.
No, you need to talk to Iris about her friend Ava.
She's been telling her you're a whore
ever since the article came out.
(GROANS) And I've got to face the moms at school. Fuck's sake.
All right, I'll sort it.
Ava's coming over for a playdate.
Um, can you pick her up later as well?
- I feel like your employee. - And I'll be back
- to give them both dinner. - You owe me big time!
- (DOOR OPENING, CLOSING) - (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Mason is a friend I made in prison.
Uh, this is all very embarrassing,
but I have every reason to believe
he's a very dangerous man.
And I appear to have found myself
owing him a rather large sum of money.
So, I throw myself at your mercy.
Please pay him or I fear he may hurt me.
He's right, Allegra, I'm a very serious individual.
He won't look so pretty when I'm finished with him.
Mason, I've never been pretty, but I am fucking stylish,
and you'll never knock that out of me.
How much?
Twenty grand.
But I had to chase him, so let's make it 30.
ALLEGRA: This...
is coming out of your inheritance.
How long will I have to wait for that?
Twenty grand and not a penny more.
- Uh, I want cash. - You will get
- what you're given. - What if it bounces?
I haven't bounced a check...
since Black Monday 1987, actually.
I like her.
- She's got spirit. - Bugger off.
You can pack your bags.
The house in Bruton is empty, you can go and stay there.
You'll continue to receive your allowance,
but not a penny more. You can go tonight.
♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
COSTELLO: Didn't even like him really.
But I've been on my own since Iris was born.
I just wanted to feel attractive.
LENNY WILSON: That's understandable.
You're still a young woman.
Was he up to the job?
He came on his feet, Lenny.
- (GROANS) - (COSTELLO CHUCKLES)
Oh, boys these days.
Never been further away from being men.
COSTELLO: Mm-hmm.
(GROANS) I got a card from Mom. She posted it through my door.
That can't be good.
The past never stops chasing. Fuck's sake.
LENNY: That's the funny thing about the past.
No matter where you go, it's always fucking there.
(CHUCKLES) Better get used to it then.
- Thanks, darling. - (GRUNTS SOFTLY)
- (GROANS) - LENNY: You know,
you can tell a lot about a woman when you look between her legs.
I've always believed a hairy hole
- is the real window to the soul. - (CHUCKLES)
How is it looking down there?
Um, messy,
but magnificent.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
COSTELLO: Oh.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
- (SIREN WALING IN DISTANCE) - (DOG BARKING)
- IRIS: (CRYING) Leave me alone. - (DOOR CLOSING)
She's pissed off with me.
Iris, you okay, darling?
IRIS: I'm never going back to that school again.
Come out, bubba.
GLORIA: Iris, I was just trying to help.
- IRIS: You made me look so stupid. - What is it?
Told Ava's mom she was a silly boring bitch.
She's going around telling everyone
that you're a whore. And it's hurting Iris.
Someone had to tell her to shut her mouth,
- They're laughing at you. - I told you I was gonna do it.
Now you just made it worse.
If it were Florian Selby, you would have wet yourself.
Yeah, but you're not him, are you?
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - COSTELLO: Honey. Bubba.
Iris, I love you.
(DOOR UNLOCKING)
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
It's okay, baby. She's gone.
Come out.
Hey!
Hey.
Everything's gonna be okay.
- (SNIFFLES) - Okay?
Mm-hmm.
(KISSES)
Pinky promise.
But wou-- would you ever lie to me?
Yeah, of course, I would, I love ya.
(KISSES)
(COSTELLO BREATHES DEEPLY)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - (DOOR OPENING)
SELBY: Are you angry?
You're really angry.
- Here. - I am angry.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON STREET)
(EXHALES)
Then you'll be pleased to know I'm leaving.
- Where are you going? - Bruton bound.
- I leave now. - COSTELLO: Don't be a dickhead.
You can't just leave. You're on license.
They'll recall you back to prison.
No. Lucky for me, there's damaged men everywhere.
- It's all been arranged. - You can't-- you can't go.
She came here.
Did you see her?
Okay, that's it. We're gonna go and see her right now,
- and put an end to this. - No. I don't want to.
It's time. It's time now to finally face her.
Look, I will. I will.
Just not today, yeah, please?
- Selby, just-- - Okay.
You're not safe here.
(SNIFFLES) No.
I know.
I've spent my whole life running from her.
I don't-- I just-- (SIGHS)
Come with me.
We could live...
some kind of life.
You could write all day, I could work. Can you imagine?
What about Iris?
She can-- I'll-- I'll adopt her.
I'll adopt her. She'll go to a great fucking school.
And I'll adopt her!
- This is insane. - Hmm.
But we could, I could,
- we could, we could live-- - If you--
If that's what Iris would like,
I would love that, obviously. Ask her. Ask her!
- Ask her, ask her, ask her. - Okay.
♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
COSTELLO: Iris? Iris? Bubba?
- Is it a big house? - COSTELLO: Hmm.
Can we have like, AGAs and...
can we get new rugs,
and can I go to a new school, where nobody knows me?
Yes, bubba.
We're gonna start again.
It's all gonna be normal and all right.
IRIS: Selby. (CHUCKLES)
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - (SELBY GROANS, CHUCKLES)
♪ ("LITTLE MASCARA" BY THE REPLACEMENTS PLAYING) ♪
- Milady. - (GASPS) Thank you.
Ah, thanking you.
♪ You and I fall together ♪
♪ You and I sleep alone ♪
♪ After all Things might be better... ♪
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
♪ After one, and there's one That's long gone ♪
♪ For the moon You keep shootin' ♪
♪ Throw your rope up In the air ♪
♪ For the kids You stay together ♪
♪ You nap 'em and you slap 'em In a highchair ♪
♪ All you ever wanted Was someone to take care of ya ♪
♪ All you're ever losin' is ♪
♪ A little mascara ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪