-(DRILL RUMBLING IN DISTANCE) -Dear Lord, I know you can hear me.
It's Jade Mary Megan James, the one from Carshalton.
Give us the strength not to become
them stereotypical, weak bitches who live in refuges.
Like the pathetic ones you see on telly,
crying with limp, lifeless hair.
(CHUCKLES)
Now, you ask the Lord for salvation.
Go on. Ask him for something deep
-in your heart. -COSTELLO JONES: (SIGHS) Um.
Fucking ask him. He ain't got all day.
(GROANS) Um.
Dear Lord, please give me and Iris,
uh, a council flat in London.
Why are you obsessed with London? It's shit.
That's where we're from.
No, you came here from a great, big country house.
Hypocrite much?
Too right, if a mansion's on offer.
But if I'm being thrown to some slum,
it better be in the center of the universe,
-which is London. -Yeah.
Deliver Jesus and hear my prayer for Costello,
whose daughter hates her.
-(CHUCKLES) No, she doesn't. -There's vibes.
No. She hates her new school.
-This place and that fucking noise. -JADE MARY MEGAN JAMES: Yes.
Heavenly Father, silence the greedy folk next door,
cast them into the furnace,
-burn them alive in their Pashminas... -(COSTELLO CHUCKLES)
...lead them to damnation. Thanks, God. Bye.
You ask a lot of Him.
I thought Jesus liked women who helped themselves.
Oh, yeah. Jesus loves a hustler.
What you doing for money? Wanna earn some cash?
-Doing what? -Webcamming and shit.
Hmm, don't really wanna fuck Serena off.
Bitch. It's your funeral.
-♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(LINE TRILLING)
COSTELLO: (OVER VOICEMAIL) All right. It's Costello Jones.
I don't owe you any fucking money!
-But go on, leave a message. -(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)
Day 12 in Bedlam for me. (CLEARS THROAT)
And you'll be pleased to hear I've bounced back somewhat.
And I'm willing to concede there's a ten-percent chance
-I'm the full nutty. -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
So rest assured, I'm giving my time here
-the full college try. -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
FLORIAN SELBY: I think you might even enjoy my little updates.
Like, postcards from a demented island.
And I'm even making friends here.
I met an interesting "thing" called Frida.
She helps pass the time.
Do you think you could come and visit?
-I feel like you owe me that, at least. -(EXHALES)
-(GLASS SQUEAKING) -Give Iris a kiss from me.
-(SCOFFS) -(RECEIVER CLATTERS)
(COINS CLINKING)
CUSTOMER: (FAINTLY) All right, love...
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
RICHARD: In all the food banks in all the world,
if it isn't Costello Jones.
All right, just...
-Hey. -(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Heard you moved to the country with Selby.
-Yeah, I'm back now, so... -Yeah, probably for the best.
He's a total knob, isn't he?
He's my best friend, and you know nothing about him.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, come on then. Let's get you some food.
(GRUNTS)
Bit presumptuous, aren't we? I'm here to volunteer.
I can do weekday mornings, or...
(RICHARD CHUCKLES)
-Oh! (CHUCKLES) -Mm-hmm.
Okay, uh... Great. (CHUCKLES)
Well, um, in that case, uh,
follow me, and I'll show you how food banking's done.
-Okay. -(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Donations.
-Mm-hmm. -(IN NORMAL VOICE) Um.
This is the packing station. Fresh goods here.
Eggs, free-range. (CHUCKLES) Hello, mate.
And this is absolutely stunning.
-PATIENT: Whoa! -We just have the appropriate stocks,
and we're just happening to give away 20.
I mean, what's the one thing that you've got loads of
that you can always use more of? Right. Black shirts.
Uh... I must have 40 at home. (CHUCKLES)
I really must. Uh, can you see this?
These are actual real silk...
-I know what's wrong with you. -(BUZZER HUMMING)
I know what's wrong with everyone in here.
I'd be a psychiatrist if they let me out.
Well, given you were elbow deep in your vagina earlier,
you'd make a wonderful psychiatrist.
FRIDA: See him?
Schizoid Personality Disorder. I can tell.
And check out the nurse.
-Avoidant Personality Disorder. -(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(SHOPPING CHANNEL PRESENTER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I 100-percent know that
'cause my granddad was the same.
And what is wrong with you?
Borderline Personality Disorder.
And I've been anorexic since I was eight,
ADHD since I was 11, and complex PTSD
since, like, forever.
Gosh.
-You're quite the collector. -(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
I've been watching you since you got here.
I've got you sussed.
Are you ready for my diagnosis?
If you must.
Antisocial Personality Disorder.
All of your relationships have been violent,
and you've got big daddy issues.
-(THUD ON TABLE) -Am I right?
Well, you can be the judge of that
when I tell you that I want to grab
your stupid, little head
and ram it into that cunting television.
That's it. There's only 20 on sale in this exclusive offer.
So, if you want one,
you shouldn't wait to call the number below.
I've been holding out for a miscarriage
but it's still up there.
You've never been very lucky, have you?
Did you ever think about getting rid of Iris?
Never. As soon as I found out,
I knew I was gonna take my baby and run.
I ain't as strong as you.
-I can't do this on my own. -I'm not strong.
And I ain't doing it with Paul. No. No choice but to abort.
Well, it sounds like you need to get rid of him, not the kid.
I tried to break up with him, like, three times. (CHUCKLES)
COSTELLO: Pity you can't abort 50-year-old men.
I could call him and tell him that you've died.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Selby called me for the first time today
and wants me to visit.
-Don't you fucking dare. -I was so relieved.
I thought he hated me. I miss him, G. I just--
GLORIA DUKE: I think you'll find that's nostalgia talking.
Look, what you need is a distraction.
Will you have this abortion with me?
(SIGHS)
I've been waiting years for you to ask me.
(CHUCKLES) If I do it. I mean, I'm probably gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
-Maybe. -♪ (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
COSTELLO: Bubba, please.
What can I do to stop you hating me?
Nothing. You and Selby messed up.
Why should I have to live this crappy life?
(DOOR OPENS)
Costello! I need a word.
Iris, go upstairs and do your homework.
Oh, just put me up for adoption, why don't you?
-(BABY CRYING) -Iris!
(MOCKINGLY) "Iris, Iris."
It's a joy to see you at communal prayer each morning.
Yeah. Well, it is mandatory, Serena. I've been a good girl.
No contact with Selby.
God rewards the good.
COSTELLO: No men, no work.
I started volunteering at a food bank.
All of this is good, good, good.
Now, I need to talk to you about an organization we work with
who house wayward mothers.
I know it's quick, and you've barely settled in,
but we have found you and Iris your forever home.
-Here? In London? -Uh, let's see.
Two bedrooms, a balcony, by the sea. Thanet!
Oh! The Lord giveth.
Am I fuck moving to Thanet.
And the Lord taketh away.
I've been a good person for 12 days now.
And I'm not a good person, Serena.
I've been pretending, and I am exhausted,
and now I'm being shat on.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways.
Serena, the Lord is a knob.
And if the Lord thinks that I'm leaving London,
-he can go fuck himself. -(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)
"Your murderers come with smiles.
They come as your friends."
That's-- That's not even the Bible. That is Goodfellas.
You're getting your gospels all mixed up. This is just...
(SCOFFS) What? So you're chucking me out now?
No. Why would I do that?
The government give me 600 quid a week to keep you here.
(SCOFFS) Ah, capitalism!
The real religion of the 21st century. Hallelujah!
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -Hmm.
This is gonna be my last shift today.
I need a job that pays. I need to get a private flat.
-What about the refuge? -(GROANS)
I've got six months there, but the clock is ticking
before they kick me to the council,
who will fuck me.
Well, is there anything I can do?
How much money have you got on you right now?
Uh.
-Fiver. -Now, eat me out.
Is this a...
Oh. No, I'm not a...
Listen I support sex workers, but I don't pay for it.
Can I stop you right there before you say something stupid?
The pussy is for free. (SOFTLY) I just need five pounds.
Is it ethical to lick out a woman who lives in a refuge?
Uh, I don't think this pussy is that worried about ethics.
I just need a distraction.
And if you don't want it, then you can fuck off.
This is gonna be the best offer you're gonna get
in any foodbank today.
-(BAGS RUSTLING) -(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(RICHARD MOANS)
I just can't imagine ever loving you.
Mate, that hurts.
Is that a reason to call it a day?
Yes. I think it is.
I've never broken up with someone before.
Normally, when I'm horrible to them, they just leave.
I don't believe you could ever be horrible, G.
Uh. I literally just need some space,
and for you not to be in it ever. (EXHALES DEEPLY)
Good luck.
You're a lovely man, but not for me.
Yeah, thanks.
Listen, do you fancy grabbing a drink sometime?
I think that would be a bit weird, don't you?
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Of course.
-I'll see you soon, Gloria. -No. You probably won't.
Well, take care.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -(CAR HORN BLARING IN DISTANCE)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SIGHS)
-Okay. -(TELEPHONE LINE RINGING)
(PEN CAP CLICKS, CLATTERS)
Hello. I think I'd really love to book in for a termination.
-(GROANS) -Right. No makeup.
You're not allowed to look good. Stick on the trackie.
(GROANS)
What are you doing? Get off.
Making it look like you actually live in a refuge.
Mm-hmm? Can't be all fancy. It ain't Babestation.
Authenticity is what they want.
Yeah, well, it's not authentic to me.
Hiya.
We are two horny babes trapped in a battered women's refuge
with no men to satisfy us. (INHALES SHARPLY)
Do you wanna help us out?
You run away from horrible men, did you?
Yeah. Please help us. (INHALES)
We're one hundred percent battered British bitches.
She's new here.
Fresh from being abused. (INHALES) Tell him.
Yeah. It's true.
Been abused all my life by men and women.
VIEWER 1: (OVER COMPUTER) You got any bruises?
-(BOTH SIGH) -You have no idea.
Oh!
But if you could just click, uh, the donate button,
I'll tell you the whole, sordid story.
♪ (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
VIEWER 2: (OVER COMPUTER) Hi, girls.
-Hi. -Hi.
-(GASPS) -Those, you like?
-Love those. -I thought you would.
Tell me where he hit you.
Oh. You've got a face I want to punch.
-(GASPS) -Oh, that makes me want to cry.
I wouldn't have let you out of my sight.
-It's beautiful. -That's so nice.
And a bit scary.
VIEWER 3: (OVER COMPUTER) List all of your injuries for me.
-Well, I had my ribs broken. -Yeah. I broke my jaw.
You deserved it, didn't you?
-I'm so sorry. -Well, I'm sorry, too.
I'd hit you with my big dick.
-Hmm. I can't wait. -Good.
-♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ -(DOOR OPENS)
-(DOOR CLOSES) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(EXHALES) -(COIN RATTLING)
(DIALPAD CLACKING)
(CLICKS TONGUE) Day 29 in the funny farm.
I miss you.
Why won't you visit me?
-She's already forgot you, mate. -(COINS CLINKING)
-They always do. -(LINE DROPS)
(RECEIVER CLATTERS)
I suppose you think this is some sort of meet-cute, don't you?
Two nut-nuts in an asylum falling in love.
Well, it just isn't that movie, darling.
And when I say fuck off,
I don't mean follow me and love me. I mean, fuck off.
Fuck off! (SOFTLY) Okay?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Just through here, please. -PATIENT: Thank you.
So you're sure you want to go through with this?
Because you've had a lot to drink.
-Dutch courage. -Oh.
And why have you tarted yourself up?
I can dress up for my abortion if I like.
I've split up with Paul, and I'm happy about that.
-COSTELLO: Mm-hmm. -GLORIA: Oh, wait.
I think I want... (WHISPERS) ...the baby.
All right. Come on then, let's go.
No, no, no.
You know what I'm like. I'll fuck it up. I'll just fuck it up.
-(COSTELLO EXHALES) -GLORIA: It's best to get it over and done with.
RECEPTIONIST: Gloria Duke.
Sorry, I have to ask.
But have you consumed alcohol in the last 24 hours?
(GASPS)
A couple over lunch.
I'm afraid you can't legally consent
to the procedure under the influence of alcohol.
No. I've made up my mind now. I want an abortion.
-Give it to me. -Come on.
No! Give me my abortion.
What's happened to this country? What?
A woman can't have an abortion after a couple of wine?
-Come on. Let's go. -GLORIA: No. Look.
Hey, look at me. Look at me.
Do I look like the kind of woman that should be having a kid?
-Huh? -Look,
let's just get you to bed,
and we'll talk about it in the morning.
Don't make me go Vera Drake. Don't make me go backstreet.
Come on.
(SOFTLY) Sorry.
-SERENA: You're arrogant. -(DRILL RUMBLING)
SERENA: You're up yourself. You're rude, aggressive.
(DRILL CONTINUES RUMBLING IN DISTANCE)
You just don't seem very vulnerable.
(SCOFFS)
Abused women are usually a lot more... humble.
(CHUCKLES) So what, you think I'm lying?
(RUMBLING INTENSIFIES)
(MACHINERY CRASHING)
-(INDISTINCT SCREAMING) -COSTELLO: Iris! Iris!
-(INDISTINCT CLAMOR) -COSTELLO: Iris!
(ALARM RINGING)
-Oh, Lord! -Iris!
-JADE: Candi? -(CLAMORING CONTINUES)
JADE: Candi! Candi, where are you?
-(ALARM RINGING) -(SIGHS)
-Mom, what's-- -COSTELLO: We're okay. We're okay. Right.
Right, you're gonna grab your money, and let's go.
JADE: This is 'cause of them greedy bastards next door.
All right, bubba. Iris, can you help me?
Right.
Everything's fine.
Okay. Good girls.
Okay. All right. Let's go.
Iris, you just stay with mommy, okay?
Get out of his way, yeah? Get out, now. Now.
Keep moving! Keep going!
(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)
IRIS: Mom. Mom.
-(SIGHS) Oh, gosh. -SERENA: Is everyone out?
-COSTELLO: You okay? -IRIS: Yeah, I guess.
JADE: Are you all right?
KENNETH: You said, and I quote,
"I want to grab your stupid, little head and ram it
into that cunting television."
-(BIRDS CHIRPING) -I'm a work in progress.
No, I've quit.
Oh. Go on, then.
You doing okay?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
I miss Iris.
More than anything.
And I just can't wait
to get back to them both and make it all better.
♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
KENNETH: How would you make it all better?
-What would you say to them? -What would I say?
That I have all the right feelings in my heart.
But I just don't know how to love like everyone else.
Because...
no one ever fucking taught me how to do it right.
But then I sound like an absolute twat.
KENNETH: You're attempting to change.
Most don't have the guts to try that.
Well, I'm a big, brave boy, Doctor.
(ALARM BEEPING)
-♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oi, Pashmina! Why are you crying?
This is your fault.
Your house is fine, ours is fucked.
I mean, you barely even live here.
You live in Oxfordshire.
You take more and more
without thinking about people who get less and less.
(SOBS) We lived here!
It was just a shitty little room,
and it wasn't forever, but it was ours.
You are lucky that someone didn't die!
My daughter could've died,
you posh cunts!
-RESIDENT 1: That's right. -RESIDENT 2: That's right.
♪ (SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SOBS) Thank you.
Thank you. (SNIFFLES)
I'll sort this. Okay? I promise.
I'm sorry, bubba.
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -Selby, you've got a visitor.
-Who? -Some woman.
She got a little girl with her. She's so cute.
♪ ("WEAR YOUR LOVE LIKE HEAVEN" BY DONOVAN PLAYING) ♪
♪ Color in sky, Prussian blue ♪
-♪ Wear your love like heaven ♪ -♪ Wear your love like ♪
-♪ Wear your love like heaven ♪ -♪ Wear your love ♪
♪ (SONG CONTINUES OVER SPEAKER) ♪
♪ Lord, kiss me once more Fill me with song ♪
♪ Allah, kiss me once more That I may, that I may ♪
-Visitors? -Not today.
-♪ Wear my love like heaven ♪ -♪ Wear my love like ♪
-♪ Wear my love like heaven... ♪ -♪ Wear my love... ♪
-(DOOR OPENS) -(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
That was a horrible thing to do.
♪ (DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO) ♪
COSTELLO: We're not coming.
The Lord pours scorn on the ungrateful.
There's refuge for you in Skegness. Now, get in.
-(EXHALES) No. We live here. -Yeah. We live here, too.
Here, ladies, get off.
Costello's staging a protest about social cleansing.
COSTELLO: No. I'm-- I'm not. I'm... (EXHALES)
We're just not leaving.
But you should go and get a little flat,
you know, by the sea.
And get your mom and your sister to come and stay at weekends.
You won't be on your own.
-I bet there's a God in Skegness, as well. (CHUCKLES) -(CHUCKLES)
Right. Come on, get on.
-(DOOR SLIDES SHUT) -(THUMPING ON DOOR)
-IRIS: Should've got on. -Mm, no. This is our home.
IRIS: Sure doesn't feel like it.
COSTELLO: Just a couple of city rats, hey? (CHUCKLES)
-You all right? -Ain't I always?
So, to abort or not to abort, that is the question.
Not to abort.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE) -The Loneliness of the Unwed Single Mother,
-name of your memoir. -(LAUGHS)
(SIREN WAILING IN THE DISTANCE)
You can stay at mine until you get a place sorted
-with the council. -Thank you.
-Thanks. -You're welcome. Come on, babes.
(CAR DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Could you, um... (SNIFFLES) ...take Iris out for dinner?
GLORIA: Sure. The practice can come in handy.
I just need to... clear my head, I think.
Oh, babe. No, I get it. I get it.
Okay.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(DOORS CREAKING)
(DOOR CLOSES, LOCKS)
(SIGHS, BREATHES DEEPLY)
(EXHALES SOFTLY)
♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SIRENS WAILING DISTANTLY)
(SNIFFS)
(CELLPHONE BEEPS, CHIMES)
(LINE TRILLING)
(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)
SELBY: (OVER VOICEMAIL) Day 30 at the looney bin.
Stop all the clocks. Cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. (LAUGHS)
Saccharine wank!
Don't worry. I haven't gone the full mental.
It's still a terrible poem,
-and Four Weddings is still a fucking awful film! -(CHUCKLES)
SELBY: (OVER VOICEMAIL) What was it you said, Costello?
"The world is a vile place.
And neither Richard Curtis
nor W.H. Orton will ever change that."
(CHUCKLES SADLY)
SELBY: I hope to see you soon.
And I hope you and Iris are okay.
I let you down, and I'm sorry.
And right now, I can't reach you,
and it's fucking terrifying.
♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪