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(WIND GUSTING)
NIKENYA HALL: Let's just take one more breath in, one more breath in.
And one more breath out.
Now, whenever you're ready.
Open your eyes.
What brings you here today?
There's a case of a patient, of a girl.
- She was 10 years old. - HALL: Mm.
And I'm just wondering if there's...
She's been in my mind
for literally 20 years,
- because I was 30 when I took care of her... - HALL: Mm-hmm.
...and I'm 50 now, so...
It was the day before I turned 30,
is when she came in. She was shot in the head.
It was a drive-by shooting, and...
It was the first time I saw, you know, a pediatric gunshot wound.
I was a young doctor.
I was just starting. I think it was my second year or third year.
It was very early in my career.
- HALL: Fresh? Yeah. - Yes.
And, you know, she was...
She was dead on arrival.
I mean, it was... When you get a shot in the head, it's...
And, you know, I literally was holding
her brain matter in my hands.
You know, I had to go tell the parents
that their 10-year-old was shot.
She was actually coming out of church, holding her mother's hand
when she was shot. And...
And their response was complete and utter silence.
There was no crying, there was no screaming,
there was no chest pounding, nothing.
And...
You know, everybody in the emergency department,
after it was all said and done,
they didn't say anything to each other.
We didn't... You know, my attending
didn't say, you know, "Are you okay?
"It was really emotionally challen...
- "You know, hard case." - HALL: Yeah.
- No nurse, no... Nobody. - HALL: Yeah.
And so I went out into the ambulance bay, and I just
cried
for, like, probably a minute.
And then I was like, "Oh, my gosh, I've got to go back
"and see the next patient."
And so that has always been in my brain.
It's like... That is something that, in medicine,
we just don't do well,
or at all, which is teach
our younger doctors
- how to see that, handle it... - HALL: Yeah.
...experience it, let it flow through you.
Instead, I buried it.
You know, I shut it down because I had to see the next patient.
So, um...
I guess, my question is,
how is she?
I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my career.
I think, post-pandemic...
You know, I'm a mom,
so I've really put that on the back burner.
And I feel like the time is ripe for some kind of change,
but I'm not sure...
There are many paths,
and I'm not sure which one I should be taking.
I don't think there's something that large that's troubling me.
I think just existential pressure is troubling. (CHUCKLES)
(HUMMING)
♪ Financially
- ♪ What would be good for me? ♪ - (EUGENE GRYGO LAUGHING)
What will I regret on my deathbed?
I just want to know if she can see if I am going to have hens.
- PHOEBE HOFFMAN: If you're gonna have what? - Hens, chickens.
As climate change takes hold,
the world is gonna change in such a way
that I'm gonna need to be prepared to adapt,
and I'm not really sure what my future looks like
ten years out, you know, because of that.
Could you answer, like, any questions
that relate to the past at all?
Because I know, like, clairvoyants...
PER ERIK BORJA: I'll try my best.
...like, mostly focus on the future.
Is that correct?
- BORJA: Uh, both. Past, present and future, yeah. -Oh, okay.
Um, I kind of just want to know
what my birth parents are like
and the circumstances that led to my adoption.
- BORJA: Okay. - I think the timeline of my adoption
- matches up with the one-child policy. - BORJA: Mm-hmm.
Because I was born in 2001.
- So, yeah, if you could clarify that for me. - BORJA: Okay.
All right.
So, one thing I forgot to ask you in the beginning is,
for clairvoyant readings,
I always ask the client, like, even if it's...
Even if what I see is not positive...
- Mm-hmm. - ...and sometimes it can be hurtful,
do you still want to hear it?
- Yeah, I think so. - Okay.
(SIGHS)
Mm.
There's something about shrimp
(LAUGHING) that Spirit is showing me.
Yeah. Shrimp's my favorite thing...
- Okay. - ...in, like, the world.
(LAUGHING) Okay.
Growing up, shrimp was my number one thing.
Like, I even... One year, I made a bet with someone
where I ate shrimp 365 days.
Oh, my God.
- Are you serious? (LAUGHS) - Yeah.
I had to find new ways to cook it and eat it, and everything.
(BOTH LAUGH)
That is incredible. Um...
Hmm.
Is there something important in April for you or the family?
For me, personally, April is my father.
- Oh, okay. - And that's my main question,
- is if he's there in spirit... - Yeah.
...or has any message
- he would like to share with me. - Okay.
Let's see
what he comes through with.
He keeps showing a tutu
- for some reason. - A tutu?
- A tutu. Does anyone do ballet... - (LAUGHS)
...or dress as a ballet dancer?
That's my daughter's favorite book.
- Oh. - We read it to her...
- It's called Tutu? - Yeah, I Love My Tutu.
I Love My Tutu Too!
"Two tutus, three tutus. We need more tutus.
- "The tutu dance." It's like... - (LAUGHS)
- ...tutu too many times at night... - Oh, my gosh.
- ...every night. - Isn't that funny?
- Okay. - Okay.
Just please know that's his way of, again,
validating his presence around her.
Okay.
And seeing you nurture this child
makes him really happy.
- Okay. - Okay?
Would you have any siblings?
I used to have.
Okay.
Let me see if we can pass the baton to your brother.
- Okay. - Um...
Hmm.
Now, I feel like I'm looking at someone younger.
- Um, were you quite young... - Yeah.
- ...when he passed? - Yeah.
- Okay. - Very young.
But he would have been older than you?
- Yes. - Okay.
And the passing would have been quite sudden?
- Yes. - Okay.
And would you understand that would have been also a violent passing?
- Yes. - Okay.
I feel, for him, he just...
There's a quickness to it
that I think feels important.
That there was not a lot of suffering.
- Okay. - Does that make sense to you?
(CRYING)
I think he just makes it...
He makes me feel like it's important
for you to know that it felt quick.
Just take your time.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
HALL: And take your time, and whenever you are ready,
go ahead and open your eyes.
- Mm. - (SIGHS) Hmm.
Okay. Okay.
What... Hmm-hmm. Grandma's here.
That doesn't surprise me.
Okay, because she's like, "Party,"
and pulling up a chair.
She's like, "Okay, so let's have a discussion."
- (LAUGHS) - She's like, "Let's chat.
"Thank you for inviting me." So she's here.
- And we'll get to her. - Mm-hmm.
What questions do you have today?
What shall we call on the spirit and talk about?
(SIGHS) Ooh. Um, eee...
Out of all the things, the biggest concern
that I have is the relationship
between my mother and I.
And then just my future with my husband.
- That's, like, the main question. - Yeah.
'Cause Grandma wanted to talk about husband.
Mm. (LAUGHS)
And a lot of words she wants to say about that.
She wants the world for you.
Mm.
And why him?
She's being very clear about that.
And you knew this.
Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- You and Mom. - Mm.
Yeah.
Um...
You'll arrive at the place of,
"This is just my mom."
And sometimes, everyone don't get it right, that title.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Sometimes... Sometimes, they just don't get it right.
It's not that she's not trying.
She can't get it right. She can't get it right.
And it is no reflection of you.
She gotta work it out.
You
can't carry that no more, though.
You can't carry it.
(WOMAN MURMURS)
(WOMAN BREATHES DEEPLY)
Okay, so I'm really feeling compelled
to bring in your animal.
So, what I need to know is the name,
the gender, the type of animal,
and if they're alive or passed away.
- Her name was Dottie. - D-O-T-T-I-E?
- Yes. - Okay.
And she's a girl, she's a dog,
and she's a Boston Terrier. She's smart.
Is she alive or passed away?
- She's very much alive. - Dottie.
What do you want to ask Dottie?
She's an A-plus girl.
She's terrific, but...
I mean, she's outgoing, she's gregarious.
She hooks me into the world, you know.
She loves everybody all the time.
She's exuberant.
But she hates to walk on a leash.
All I want her to do
is walk on a loose leash.
It sounds ridiculous.
I'm so grateful, though, tell you about it, because it's...
It's a bruising.
Every time we go out, I feel wounded.
It's stupid for me to take it so hard,
but I do.
Okay, so I'm going to just ask her
about why she's so defiant when she's on a leash.
(SIGHS)
Okay, so, Dottie's saying
there's a lot of anxiety about it for both of you.
It's like a war every time.
- It's a battle. - Every time.
She's saying if there wasn't
so much attention put on it working,
maybe that's the key sometimes.
Kind of changing your mindset around this whole issue could really help.
I have noticed that this...
Later in the walk, things do get better.
I just think about...
I imagine living in Provence, for one.
- That's like my dream. (CHUCKLES) - Bingo.
- The wine, and the cheese, and the atmosphere. - The bread.
- And there's lavender.
- And then she calms down. - Yeah.
Once your thinking isn't on fighting with her,
and you're dreaming about Provence,
she's walking.
Yeah, she's walking on the leash,
and it's right there and that's nice.
You know, I feel terrible when I get mad at her
because it's, um...
She's such a terrific beast on the... Everything else.
The deeper thing here is that
I felt it was, like, personal, you know.
Her not wanting to walk with me was...
It seemed like she loved everybody she met, total strangers.
But...
But me, I don't know.
She loves me, right?
When you first kind of sat down,
(STAMMERS) I get a female energy.
Definitely feels like maybe grandmother, or...
Definitely feels like a grandmother.
Hmm. Both of mine are living.
Okay.
She definitely has white hair.
This is gonna sound really strange,
but I feel a physical similarity
to the actress who played Lieutenant Uhura
on the original Star Trek.
Or I feel like that there was...
She was inspired by that character
- or something like that. - Huh.
- With William Shatner? Where they... - Yeah.
And it's bringing her in. So she must have...
It must have inspired her.
- I feel like it's an older female energy... - Mm-hmm.
...watching over you.
Okay, and she's showing me a man's chest.
And I think that kind of means many things,
like sensuality, but also male strength,
- male energy. - Mm.
I did recently come out as genderqueer...
- Mm-hmm. - ...so, I mean...
- She's, "Whoo-hoo!" She's... - (LAUGHS)
She's really happy about that. Good.
Really? Aww. (GRUNTING) Yes!
No, I'm definitely feeling it.
She's like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes."
Yeah, there's... There's support on her part.
So, the question was why you were relinquished?
Yeah. And then maybe if you could provide some details
- about what my birth parents were like. - Okay.
- Like, personalities. - Yeah.
(WRITING)
Okay, so, with your birth mother,
- I do get that she has a temper. - Mm-hmm.
And I am picking up,
like, a sense of greediness, if I'm honest.
And now, let's go to the birth father.
All right. So, with your birth father...
Okay.
I get that he was a player. (CHUCKLES)
- Mm. - I think that he was a player.
Besides like, being a player, though,
like, in terms of personality,
I get that he was sincere.
Mm-hmm.
What else would you like to know?
Yeah, I have so many follow-up questions from that.
Yeah.
Do they miss me? Like, how are they doing now?
And do they regret giving me up?
Okay.
I feel like your birth mother still thinks about you,
but it's like a very distant memory.
Like, I haven't seen my grandmother in years,
but I still have some very vague memories.
Like, there are certain things I can remember.
So, it's kind of like that with your birth mother.
Interestingly enough, I was adopted, too.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
And were you adopted by white parents?
- Mm-hmm. - Oh.
Yeah, I always wondered how my life would be different
were my parents.
- A different race... - Oh, it would be very different.
Yeah.
The ones who are adopted by parents of the same race,
they usually have less trauma.
Mm.
Yeah, I can see that.
All right, so here we have me
when I was, I don't know, maybe six years old.
It's hard to tell.
And that was my...
That gigantic orange cat was my buddy.
My buddy Pumpkin.
Now he's in kitty heaven.
Mr. MacDuffy is my current cat.
He was a rescue,
and I just feel like it was kind of meant to be
because he was the oldest cat in the rescue shelter,
and we have the same birthday, October 5th.
And so then, I just adopted him.
And then... Oh, let's see.
So this is my high school graduation picture.
A lot of times people ask me,
"When did you know you were adopted?"
And I'm like, um, "Always."
My parents are white.
How could I not know that I was different, you know?
(MR. MACDUFFY MEOWS)
Five or six years ago
is when the paranormal experiences started.
I was sleeping in this room,
and I would just hear running down the hall, like...
Like, so quickly, and then this door would open.
I would hear, like, opening and slamming like that.
I'd start having, like, more and more paranormal experiences.
My ears would start ringing.
The hair on the back of my neck would come up.
I knew things about people that I shouldn't know,
and I thought I was going crazy.
So I just googled psychic schools
in New York City,
and then I started taking psychic classes.
"Think about the possibilities.
"Just think about them. A whole new world, a whole new life.
"We'll have so much freedom. We can be anything we want."
"Listen, I don't know what the hell is going on here,
"and I don't like it."
"The trip is ruined!"
"You're a handsome man, Wang Yung."
"Yes.
"You will look like him.
"Give it some time and you'll see."
My dream was to be an actor, and it still is.
But besides Jackie Chan and Jet Li,
there were no Asian actors on TV,
so I felt like it wasn't possible.
I do have the occasional acting gig.
But it just so happened that with the psychic work,
it was something that I just started picking up more easily.
So are you ready to begin?
- WOMAN: Sure. - All right, so please close your eyes.
Hello.
I've lived here since 1999.
Because of the rent stabilization,
I've been able to survive in New York
and do my... (CLEARS THROAT) And do my creative work.
I work on plays, TV scripts, movie scripts.
That all happens here.
This needs to be cleaned. No. So, I guess...
Do you have to go in the kitchen? Oh, God.
Uh... (HUMMING)
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
LANA WILSON: What's this room?
That's... That's... Let's not film there.
That's the bedroom. That's where everything was shoved. So... (LAUGHS)
So, that's...
You know, it's the love palace. The empty love palace.
And I have...
If you can squeeze into the bathroom.
Hi, Jack. How you doing?
Little upset? (LAUGHS)
I think my creative side is kind of matching up
with the psychic mediumship side.
When I do a psychic reading, it'll be like
strange diagrams, strange images
and letting the images tell the story.
When you write a screenplay, of course,
you're also in the world of images,
so it's really helped me,
oddly enough.
(BLIND ROLLING UP)
HALL: So what's in here is
the distillation of,
like, most of my adult life in New York City.
So my degree is in here.
I am a classically trained performer.
I studied Shakespeare. I studied Ibsen.
I studied Meisner.
I studied Stanislavski.
I studied, you know, Artaud, and the Theater of Cruelty.
So, yeah, I know my way around a theater.
If I use every piece of all of my degrees
doing these psychic sessions,
it doesn't have to look
conventional.
I have all kinds of different skirts.
I wear this one
for, uh, especially, for kids' parties.
Now, when I do strolling readings, I wear aprons
because the pockets are great
for holding my cards and lozenges.
I sometimes wear this when I do a seance.
One earring. Look.
I've saved this for a very long time.
I just don't want to part with it
because it's very meaningful to me.
I did a one-woman show
here in Manhattan.
It was called Ode to My Love Life.
I was meeting all these men
and having all of these interesting experiences.
And something just came over me,
sort of like when I channel as a psychic.
Well, it's the same thing.
I was channeling music and lyrics.
♪ I'm dating the mentally ill
Hi, honey. Sit down.
♪ Take your pill
♪ He was so cute
♪ So sexy, divine
Um, what came next...
♪ And what's more He was totally mine ♪
I can't believe I'm doing this, having not warmed up at all.
HOST: (ON TV) Remembering the category title,
it's where you'll find LaGuardia Airport.
- Queens. - HOST: And a bit smaller,
Allie Pond Environmental Center.
- Rebecca. - REBECCA: What is Queens?
HOST: Yes. REBECCA: Prepositional Phrases for six.
I didn't have any interest in psychics.
I didn't know what animal communication was.
This... Some people would say the universe led me to it.
I didn't know it existed, but it helped me more,
I would say, in a few months
than all the therapy in my life ever helped me.
So everything here is influenced by John Waters.
As you can see, I have Pink Flamingos over here.
I love Divine. Female Trouble.
That was the movie I saw that just solidified my fascination with him.
I was 22. I was very depressed.
I wanted to be an actress
but I pretty much gave up on that
'cause I couldn't deal with the business aspect of it.
And just seeing this movie,
it excited me.
He created this world, this universe.
I mean, a lot of people are into Marvel.
I don't care about Marvel.
This is the world I want to look at. Just where there's no rules.
ACTRESS: (ON TV) He said if the police ever found your writing,
that's all they'd need.
Something to prove that you were at the scene of the murder.
HOFFMAN: I love movies.
I mean, I remember, 15 years old,
I would just skip school.
I'd be sitting on the couch, smoking all day,
watching the Independent Film Channel
and, you know, watching the movie Kissed for the thousandth time.
Remember that movie about necrophilia with Molly Parker?
I loved that movie.
I'd watch every Lili Taylor movie,
Parker Posey, Jennifer Jason Leigh. I had my list.
(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
HOFFMAN: People would say to me all the time that I was too intense.
But now, giving psychic readings
connects me with other unconventional people.
Why, theater caters to sex offenders.
What I had this key interest to ask was,
she's always running to the door,
she's always leading me to the door.
I even filmed it multiple times because she only does it to me.
I'll eat, she wants to run to the door,
and she just meows and meows at the door.
There's nobody at the door.
And then she hits, like tapping on the door,
like she's leading me to the door.
If I open the door, she doesn't try to escape.
She walks away.
But it's this constant of tap, tap the door,
tap, tap the door.
So, I know there's a lot to be said.
I don't know what she's trying to convey.
She's not meant to be in your life
just to be like an easy, simply understood cat.
She's saying you're the same way.
Like, I get that you're very open-minded
and you like mysteries. You like...
- You like the weirdness of the world. - Mm.
Like weird people and weird stories intrigue you.
You don't want to just see, like,
the Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan movies.
- You wanna see... - I hate Tom Hanks.
- Oh, there you go. - He's literally the epitome of
when I tell people if there's a like and a dislike,
he's my number one dislike.
So... Do you read other animals that are not pets?
- Or would you read? - Oh, yeah.
You mean, like, wildlife?
Yeah. Can I ask you something?
- Sure. - Birds.
Do you know the bird?
- No. - Okay, because this is the thing about...
- Birds are constantly... - Yeah.
...either falling in front of me...
- Yeah. - Like, literally falling out of trees
to me, multiple times.
Like, a bird hit me in the head and landed.
But do they die?
- One died. - Okay.
The other one, I don't know, because I was like,
let me build a nest or let me help it out
and let me wait till it flies.
But I'm always walking around with these, like, injured birds throughout the city.
I don't drive, I never leave this city.
And these birds come to me.
They're attracted to you.
They're attracted to your energy
and they know you will treat them kindly.
That if they do drop into your hand,
you will treat them gently.
And you're not gonna turn them away.
Like, you're different. You're...
There's something about you that's unique.
And, like, that's the thing about animals.
They appreciate what makes us feel
like we maybe don't belong in the world.
- (TAP RUNNING) - (GLASSES CLINKING)
(HUMMING TUNE)
Just so you know... (CLEARS THROAT)
This is kind of like where I connect.
WILSON: Where you connect to the other side.
GRYGO: Yeah.
Messages, uh, things like that come through.
And I put up old photos of Erie
and the family home and my mother and my family.
So...
(CRUSHING PLASTIC BAGS)
Growing up Catholic in Erie, Pennsylvania,
was a challenge.
(FAUCET RUNNING)
For most of my life in the area, I was a closeted gay person.
And I guess I felt there was no place for me there.
And I distinctly remember, I went with an aunt
to psychic mediums and had readings.
And I basically felt the love,
almost always, from someone on the other side.
And it felt like acceptance, like I was accepted.
That made me feel like, okay.
(CHUCKLES) My reality is a bit grim
but they're very affirming of who I am.
I'm looking for a movie called Central Station.
This is one of my favorite movies of all time.
It's a woman...
Actually, a stage actress plays the main character.
And then there's a little boy and his mother.
I think there's a traffic accident and the mother is lost.
And she takes care of the little boy.
And then she starts on a journey
where she returns him to his family.
And it changes her by the end of it.
So that's one of my favorite movies.
WILSON: Why do you think you're so personally attached to it?
All the loss, I think.
The little kid and then, the older person
reaching out to the younger person.
I'm sorry.
I lost my brother, Johnny.
And I was... He was only 23 and I was 19. (CLEARS THROAT)
And I think that...
I think that that's what influences me.
Because my other movie
is Ordinary People.
So it's hard to choose which one is better
because they're such great movies.
But it's about people working through loss.
So...
It's an ongoing thing. (SNIFFLES)
And I think anyone who has lost someone in that way,
you never get over it.
You cope, you you develop coping strategies.
You get therapy, you get help.
But it's an open wound, forever.
And I think that is directly related to my anxiety
about having you visit my apartment.
Because I think I...
I think part of me just wants to be a hermit
and escape from the world.
So...
That's my struggle, you know.
I want to join the world and I want to retreat from it.
It's really tough. So...
GRYGO: Okay. Thank you.
Was it... Was there a father figure?
Somebody that was close to you?
- Male? - Mm-hmm.
Was he actually your father?
- Yeah. - He was.
Was it a cardiac arrest?
Yeah. Well, sort of. That's what I was told.
- Okay, all right. -And then... I don't know if you want me to tell you.
Oh, just if I'm wrong.
- Yeah, yeah. - Just tell me if I'm wrong.
- He OD'd. - Okay.
Because I was feeling like...
(STAMMERS)
Huge regret that he wasn't there to help you.
And
just a lot of sorrow.
A lot of regret on his part.
It makes a lot of sense. He missed out on a lot.
And he understands your reaction to him and your resentment.
And he's so sorry for that.
Not that he can rectify the past, of course, but...
He miscalculated, I guess, is what I'm trying to say.
MAN: Mm-hmm.
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
HALL: I always believed that there was some other side.
I grew up very, very religious. Christian in Oklahoma.
But I moved to New York, 2011,
and I was staying with my sorority sister at the time
and her dad had transitioned,
and so she was open to going to seances.
It was in a conference room.
And you ask for questions with the lights on
and then you turn the lights off.
When you first get into the venue,
you can still feel the air on you.
You might even be a little cold.
But once the music starts and you get this euphoria
and all of that, you get warm.
Just because I'm new in the city,
everything gets new, crazy.
You just feel so ungrounded.
But that felt just good.
I wasn't getting this
release community
anywhere else.
I was like, "Oh, I like this."
Even if this is fake, I like it. It feels good, and I need it.
It felt like church in that way.
(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
(BRACELETS CLINKING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
MAN: How are you? LYNNE: Hi. Good.
Hey, everybody. I'm here doing readings for the event tonight.
I'm Sherrie, and I'm a party psychic.
Is there anybody here who'd like to have a reading right now?
WOMAN: Like, now?
LYNNE: Anybody curious?
- No? Okay, we'll keep looking. - WOMAN: Thanks for the offer, though.
You're a very interesting woman.
(LAUGHS)
LYNNE: And you're doing a little too much hiding,
because what I see here is like a chest of jewels
and all these beautiful colors,
rubies and emeralds and sapphires.
But you need to come out of hiding
and keeping all these fabulous secrets about yourself.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Are you like a medium at all?
Are you...
LYNNE: Are you trying to connect with somebody who's passed?
- Yes. - Why? Did you recently lose someone?
My father, about a year and a half ago
- Okay. I'm sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
Well, he showed up immediately as soon as you told me,
you know, who your loss was.
So I feel like he is around
- and close by. - I believe that.
WILSON: Did you think when you were a kid,
"Maybe I'll be a psychic when I grow up"?
LYNNE: No.
Not at all.
I wanted to go to school for art.
But my parents didn't have the skill
to mirror us, which kids need.
And so I don't know if any of us
had that strong sense of self, growing up.
My parents were both narcissists. You know...
They were damaged by their parents.
If I see someone coming towards me that's like my mother and father,
a 180. Bye-bye.
Because I'm not interested in being with somebody
who can't get outside of themselves
to hold the space for my feelings
my thoughts, my dreams.
It wasn't until my father was in his 60s
and had a heart attack that he was able to say to me in a letter,
"You have a blessed gift."
He was referring to my artistry.
And I feel that's so sad, that you have to be facing death
to tell your children they have talent.
That is fucked up!
So let me start by asking you,
is there anything troubling you that you're aware of?
Um... I don't think there's something that large that's troubling me.
I think just existential pressure
is troubling, like I don't really...
I'm 18 now, and I don't really know where my life is heading.
I have a general idea,
but it's not in stone, really.
LYNNE: Uh-huh. Okay.
I don't know why, but I'm being led to tell you this.
That it's okay to do what you love.
Mm-hmm.
And that more will come.
These are messages that I'm hearing for you.
Let me see the other sides of your hands.
Mm-hmm.
There's some connection for you to visual art.
Yes, there is.
What is your current connection to visual art?
As a kid, I just really loved comics,
so, like, I draw a lot with pens.
Right, right I don't think that there has to be a limit
to what you do or who you are.
Think of it more as the discovery process
of all the gifts that are in your treasure chest.
We all are born with those.
And so this is an opportunity for you
to keep getting to know those gifts
and exploring them, expressing yourself,
and, um, not limiting yourself.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(LINE RINGING)
MAN: (ON VOICE MAIL) Thanks for calling Pete's Candy Store.
Sorry we missed you.
(RECORDING BEEPS)
Hi, my name is Eugene. I'm calling you about your open mic nights.
I just need some more information
about how to prepare and when they are being held.
Thank you.
I was there about two years ago.
The night I went, it was a summer night.
It was really hot and a lot of people in there.
It was really intimate.
And the interesting thing is
that, you know, when you do that and it's so intimate,
people hear every word, every note, every... (CHUCKLES)
You know, I mean, look how close the people are
to the performers.
So it's not like... I don't know.
I think I think I worry too much about things.
But, yeah, you can't fake it.
You gotta hit the notes.
You gotta sell the song. So...
WOMAN: (ON SCREEN) This process might seem overwhelming,
but with a little practice,
it can still become a pleasurable experience.
(MAN SCREAMS ON SCREEN)
BORJA: I've always been into, like, horror movies.
I think I like the feeling of getting scared.
And there's something...
There's just something comforting about them as well.
Maybe it's the idea of these people in these horror movies,
often they feel quite isolated
when they're experiencing these things.
- And... Yeah. - WILSON: They're intimate.
The characters feel quite isolated
and they really have to find something within to help them survive.
One of my favorite horror movies is The Witch,
and there's like barely any gore in that.
But it's just so atmospheric, and...
And the end of the movie,
she joins the coven and leaves her family.
And I think there was like just a really interesting metaphor
that I related to about that.
And, like, finding your people,
even though the coven eats children.
(LAUGHS)
(ELEVATOR WHIRRING)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
I had just moved to New York
when my first major relationship ended.
We hadn't really been fighting.
It was just one night when we were laying in bed,
he just started crying profusely.
He started crying,
crying, crying, crying, and I was like, "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? What happened?"
And he said, "Um, I'm so sorry.
"I don't think I'm in love with you anymore, and I don't know why."
And then, at that moment, like, my whole world shattered.
And that breakup
is really what opened me up to the world of spirituality.
Because that's when I was trying to find answers
and trying to find meaning.
Before then, I was pretty adamantly atheist
and didn't believe in anything after this life.
But that was like a death for me.
Hmm.
I do feel I have, um,
a man in spirit here with me.
But he feels quite young to me.
Hold on.
Would you understand
a man that you know who would be in spirit
that didn't get to live a full life?
- Yes. - Okay.
And would this person...
Would he have passed as a young adult?
- No - Not a young adult. That's fine.
And would this individual,
would you understand a connection
to skateboarding or skateboard culture?
Not that I know.
Okay. What am I seeing here?
I know I have a...
I know I have a young man with me.
Mm...
I'm sorry, can I...
- Lana? - WILSON: Yeah?
Sorry. Can I just ask...
I just feel this presence really strongly with me.
Does anyone in the room know if there was a younger man
that they knew that passed away that would have known how to skateboard?
Can I just ask... Throw that out to the group?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
No? Okay.
Sorry, I'm gonna start over because that really threw me off.
Okay.
I'm sorry, I feel like I'm losing it.
I'm feeling very tired all of a sudden. Um...
WILSON: Do you ever... Do you ever doubt what you do?
Do you ever wonder if it's not real?
Yeah, all the time. (CHUCKLING)
I never fully 100 percent believe in the things I even say.
When I fail, I'm like, oh, I suck,
and this isn't real, and I'm a POS and...
(SIGHS)
You know, it just doesn't feel great.
Where I kind of fall back to is I really feel like I have
this presence and this energy and this spirit with me.
And I hope that I'm channeling something outside of me.
And I hope that I'm acting as a kind of vessel
for something greater than myself.
Okay, I'm gonna go in a different direction
a little bit with you, okay?
Part... Partner... Feels, um...
First...
- I want to say first generation Caribbean. - Oh, really?
And he's a little older as well.
It's like, um,
a wiser element to him, like they're showing me, like, fedora hat,
like, just a distinguished older vibe.
And he's West Indian?
- So I'll say this... - I got Caribbean first.
It could be African, but there's a different
country that is heavily in his life.
Because he does a lot back home.
- But he's Black. - Yes.
I've never dated a Black man.
Maybe twice my whole life.
- I see... I see him. - That's wild.
I see him, I see him.
- Huh. - Yeah.
And he's older, like dad sandals older, like...
Yeah, but that's like not my type at all.
A fedora and dad sandals. What are we talking about here?
- He's an older man. - What island is home? Is he Dominican?
What are we talking about?
- (LAUGHS) - It's the vibration of him.
- This is going to be... (SPLUTTERS) - Are you saying
if I saw a fedora man with Jesus sandals, I'd be like, "Oh, God!"
When he breezes in, I mean, you know?
Well, I'll know him exactly,
because suddenly, I'll have this feeling
for a man in a fedora that I'd never had before.
That'll be wild.
That would be wild. That would be wild.
Not necessarily the fedora and Jesus sandals,
but older in that manner, just that's what that...
Okay.
I feel comfortable saying that most people who enter into work like this,
definitely, at least at the beginning,
you're like, "Am I making this shit up?"
Right? Um...
And then proof happens, you know.
- WILSON: Does it feel like acting, in a way? - No.
Well... No, no. It's channeling.
WILSON: Is it at all like improv?
Yes.
WILSON: (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Can you talk a little about that?
Well, because I don't know what is gonna come out of me, like ever.
Yeah, because I don't know what I'm gonna see or hear or smell, you know?
So it really is.
And sometimes, I'll get surprised.
WILSON: How is what you're doing not like theater improv?
That's a really good question.
It's all dipping into like, information, you know, like that
"river or sea of information" that ever is, was, or will be, right?
It's all dipping into that.
Like, in really good improv,
like, those people are absolutely communicating psychically.
WILSON: How do you know that
the things that you're hearing or seeing are not your imagination?
I don't. Right?
And so, like, that doesn't even necessarily mean anything, you know?
Because it's not like...
What is imagination, right?
Like, what is imagination?
Is it arguable that your imagination
is actually just, you know, energetic information?
That you're just processing?
You know? Does it really make a difference?
Is there really a separation?
And if it resonates with the person I'm talking to,
then it doesn't fucking matter.
I've been thinking a lot about the past recently,
and the ways in which
what I'm doing now is supposed to be, maybe not a solution,
but is supposed to resolve, in some ways,
the tensions or problems that happened in the past,
and I think I've been struggling with,
um, how exactly I'm supposed to do that.
So can you be a little more specific?
Because you keep using words like "it" and "things."
(BOTH LAUGH)
No, definitely. Um...
So, my mom sent me something which was really interesting,
which was a...
Basically, a will that was signed in 1860
by the people who owned my family.
And I had my great-great-great...
- Some number of greats grandfather there. - (CHUCKLES) Yes.
And it had, like, a price beside his name.
And for some reason, that price has been sticking with me a lot,
like over the past six, seven days.
- How much was it? - It was $250.
So, you know, it's... I don't know.
For me, it's like that number is hanging in my head.
I'm like, okay, well, how do I either,
like, make good on that, how do I erase that?
- Like, what is that supposed to mean for me? - Oh.
Okay. Close your eyes.
Get comfy, like, you can like, snuggle down
and, you know, lay back if you want.
And you're gonna find your breath, please.
So do you know the name of your great-great-great- great-great-great?
It was Edmund.
Okay, so call that dude in.
Well, he's here. Okay. So... (CHUCKLES)
Um...
I mean, it does... He feels to me, he...
So there's a couple things. One, we can come up with, like,
a way to sort of
reframe the weight and the gravity of that $250.
It could be as simple as a donation, right?
To something, of that amount of money.
You know, it could be, I'm going to do some sort of
like, practice for, like, 250 days.
So let it be a power number for you,
'cause right now, it's sort of like...
Like it's gnawing at your energetic edges.
So, what he's asking you to do,
he's just like, "Look, don't... Like, don't let that be a shackle.
"Come on now."
Right?
So take it and turn it into something else.
Do you feel Great-Great-Great- Great-Great-Great-Great-
Great-Grandpappy's hand on your back?
Um...
No. For some reason, I can see, like, his back.
Okay. Stick with that.
So, if I may,
it feels to me
like he's saying, "You already have my back."
So all of this, like... All this sort of story around it,
and this narrative, and this pressure, right,
he wants you to know that, like, that's not being applied by him.
It's so important to them.
Hold on. I gotta... (SNAPS FINGERS) Whoo. (CHUCKLES)
It's so important to them.
Uh...
That we...(CLEARS THROAT)
...define freedom for ourselves.
Times is different now. Freedoms is different now.
What is freedom now? What is freedom to you?
Right? Because they're just like, "Mm-mm.
"We don't want you to be, like, enslaved to these (EXHALES) concepts, you know,
"that we were shooting for, like, I don't want you doing the thing
"that all these other people and all these other stories
"and all these other narratives and all this other pressure and all these...
"All these fucking traumatic pieces that keep cutting at us..."
(SNAPS FINGERS)
(SNAPS FINGERS) Fuck. (CHUCKLES)
"...are telling you to do."
Yeah, he's saying he was free five years after that document.
Um...
So why are you still living attached to it?
Why am I wearing his chains?
Right? See?
Go ahead, Grandpappy.
(EXHALES)
It's not, you know... It's not entirely selfless, right?
It's actually not selfless at all.
Because everybody gets a healing.
And sometimes, I think healers need the most healing.
(STATIC CRACKLES)
Hi. Um, I'm Phoebe.
Hey.
I just want to say that life is hard to live it. Fuck.
Why? Why is it so fucking hard for me?
Why can't I just be normal and get up in the morning and do shit?
When is it gonna get better?
HOFFMAN: In some ways, I was no different
than I am now, except I'm a lot older,
and I don't snort cocaine anymore.
I just see myself, uh,
sort of drowning in this
narrative or story of depression and low self-worth.
And just the idea that I lived that way for all those years,
in one room with my father.
I didn't have a bedroom.
I mean, he would do coke with me.
He loved it. He used to say,
(IN NASALLY VOICE) "I always knew I had a child
"so they could get me good drugs."
WILSON: What was that like?
Well, in hindsight, pretty fucked up.
I'd have to go to high school the next morning.
He'd be up at 3:00 a.m. with the TV blaring, the light,
he'd be talking about some woman he fucked in the bathroom,
'cause that was the only a room anybody could have privacy in,
and I'd be trying to fall asleep, I had a test in the morning.
No wonder I couldn't finish high school.
HOFFMAN: (ON TV) Murder?
I couldn't
figure out a way to be part of the world.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING PLAYING ON TV)
Most of my life, I was a recluse.
I hardly went out unless I had to.
And I did not see people.
I thought my life would just be living in an apartment,
not going out, till I died.
Being as sensitive as I am,
I thought the human race was not for me.
I begged my father to see a therapist with me
'cause I was blaming him for everything.
And this woman, she said to me, "Look, I'm gonna be honest with you.
"This is hopeless.
"Your father will never understand.
"He'll never take responsibility, accountability.
"You gotta... You gotta get over this. You gotta move on."
She said to me, "There's this place by your mother.
"Doesn't your mother live near this place?
Kripalu? This is what I'm gonna tell you to do.
"Go there. Just find a program and go there.
"I don't care what it is."
So I went home. I went on the Internet.
I looked at their website.
I was totally overwhelmed.
There must have been 100 programs going on.
Everything was about yoga, Buddhist meditation.
Find the inner you, find the joy in your life.
I mean, I wanted to vomit with this language.
And then I came across, uh...
"Wanna psychically communicate with animals?"
And I thought, "That's weird."
I said, "Well, if I'm gonna do anything, I guess I would do that."
And I'm such an animal lover.
I mean, that's another part of all these years of isolation.
I was devastated over the treatment,
between factory farms and just the lack of respect.
So I just thought, "What the hell? Let me try."
Go in there and see what it's like.
I went in,
and all of a sudden, everybody in the class was going,
"Oh, my God, how do you know that about me?
"How do you know that about my animal?
"You just described my living room.
"You just described my coffee table."
I remember, like the first month,
I diagnosed a UTI in a cat. Um...
I never really thought I could do anything in the world.
Really.
And not that I thought I could really do this, either.
But I was hearing such great feedback.
And it was a way I thought, out of my situation, which it was.
And I don't just mean monetarily or anything.
Well, that wasn't even a thing. It was...
I was so down on humanity.
And then I saw this whole group of people that
had the sensitivity and the empathy.
And it was such a revelation for me.
Okay, so the first thing that comes through about you, Ivalee,
is you easily feel pain.
And pain is something that has been a theme throughout your life.
But it's almost this feeling like you feel defeated,
like it's so painful, the disappointment.
And you've just retreated.
It's like you've pulled back and said, "No more. I'm done."
Like, "I can't do this anymore. I'm out."
Yeah.
Okay. So...
I'm going to now bring in your animal. What's the name?
Zeus.
And what kind of animal?
Dog.
Alive or passed away?
I don't know.
You don't know? Okay.
Let me take a moment and connect with Zeus.
It's very quiet. There's something very...
It almost feels like he was quiet, I'm getting,
because he wanted to be this soul to hold space for you,
because he's saying that that's something
you've needed a lot in your life and you have not gotten.
And there's something here about danger,
and I'm just gonna say this, that...
He's saying that you had very predatory people
latch on to you and manipulate you.
Wow.
He's saying that people have really broken your trust.
And at times it's even worse than being physically hurt,
the emotional pain.
You were spot on about the trauma.
I was in an abusive relationship when I got Zeus.
And he
got to witness a lot of the physical and the verbal, and the crying.
I would lock myself in the garage with him and just cry.
And he would just sit there and just put his head on my shoulder.
'Cause he was huge. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
So he would just be like this big teddy bear.
And he definitely tried to protect me
from the physical attacks.
HOFFMAN: Mm-hmm.
On multiple occasions.
He... I think he kept me alive during those times.
So do you have a question for Zeus?
Is he okay?
Okay, so I know you said you don't know if he's alive or passed away.
He's definitely okay,
but... And I... You know, I can't say this with certainty,
but what I'm getting is that he has passed away.
That's what I am feeling.
(BELL TOLLING IN DISTANCE)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
GRYGO: When I do the message circles,
almost all messages have to deal with with loss, with the loss of that person,
and the status of the relationship
when the person crossed over.
Like you said, it's hard not to
be, you know, gushing tears. (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah, really... - It's really hard.
And you have to, like... (SWALLOWS)
Yeah, and it's weird, because you have to...
You have to allow yourself to feel it,
but not to the point where you lose control.
Yeah, that feeling is always difficult
because you can feel almost as if it's your person...
- Mm-hmm. - ...that has been lost.
WILSON: What was Johnny like?
He was a loner.
It was like the song Desperado by the Eagles would describe some,
you know, pretty much a loner. He did his own thing.
Uh, he... You know, he was an addict.
He was addicted to alcohol and drugs.
And, uh...
It caused a lot of problems.
For the family.
And I think I have a lot of guilt about the fighting
and the anger. (SNIFFLES)
And that we were so different.
So very different.
Uh...
I remember one time, we were all learning ice skating,
and, uh... (GRUNTS)
And he kind of gave up.
You know, it was an ice skating rink and so forth.
And I kept falling down. (CHUCKLES) But I just...
You know, I guess I'm too stupid to stop.
I just got up and then, eventually, got it.
And just, eventually, figured out how to ice skate.
But he was like... You know. Uh...
Part of him would give up,
and that was hard to accept.
I loved him, you know? They just give up sometimes.
(DOING THROAT EXERCISES)
Let's take it up a little bit higher.
(DOING THROAT EXERCISES)
Now all the vowels.
Nice big smile. Give me, "A E I O U, A E I O U, A E I O U."
A E I O U, A E I O U. Sorry.
Ai yi yi yi yi.
(BOTH CONTINUING THROAT EXERCISES)
Good. Great.
A little stretch. Feels good.
(PLAYING PIANO)
♪ There are places I remember
♪ All my life
♪ Though some have changed
♪ Some forever but not for better
♪ Some have gone and some remain
♪ All these places had their moments
♪ With lovers and friends I still can recall
♪ Some are dead and some are living
♪ In my life I've loved them all
- I made a mistake. Sorry. - Okay.
That's right.
- That's right. - Okay.
Yeah.
This is Mother.
Clearly, on, um, a shelf by herself in the middle,
because, I mean, she's queen.
She is queen.
If there's a fire, that's one of the first things I'm grabbing, okay?
I was not there physically when my mother transitioned.
I saw my mother the day before she transitioned,
and I could not feel death.
I didn't see it. None of it.
I think that was by design, though.
I think, um,
Spirit knew that I could not have handled that.
She was my best friend.
We talked every single day, multiple times a day,
and I didn't talk to her that Wednesday.
I tried, but she just, like, didn't answer her phone.
And I was like, "Well, maybe she's busy."
And I get to work and then my cousin calls me.
(EXHALES) You know, who... Who makes phone calls?
You know? In this day and age.
And I knew something was wrong.
And that's when I got the phone call. Yeah.
And this tattoo is dedicated to that experience as well.
I got the phone call at 9:00 a.m.
And so that's what... That's what that time symbolizes here.
You know, I collapsed to the floor.
They had to, um... They had to Uber me home.
I remember the admin asked me my address,
and I couldn't, like, I couldn't remember my address.
(STAMMERS) You don't think. You don't...
You're not prepared, there's no amount of preparation.
And I was back in Oklahoma that very next day.
I have a feeling she was hiding.
Maybe, how sick she was.
I have a feeling, um, it has not been confirmed.
I've asked her many times since I've been in Spirit.
She will not tell me.
She will not tell any other psychic
or medium that that I go to.
Um, very mum about that.
I did beat myself up 'cause I thought I should have known beforehand.
No one knew.
No one knew. Yeah.
- WILSON: You're always comforting other people. - Yes.
WILSON: I'm wondering who comforts you.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh... that's the...
Never-ending question. (CHUCKLES)
Um...
(CLICKS TONGUE) It's still a work-in-progress.
That's still a work-in-progress.
We're still figuring that out.
Okay. Um...
Spirit does want to talk about the family dynamic, and, um...
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So I'm seeing...
There's other children on the other side
that didn't make it on this side.
MAN: Wow.
Okay, I see two of them.
MAN: Wow. Wow. HALL: Okay. Okay.
They've been... Okay. Great. Yes.
They've been here. They came to me last night.
So they've been running around, and they... (GIGGLES)
MAN: Wow. HALL: Yes. Okay.
They...
They're a part. They're a part of the unit.
- They're actually the extension on the other side. -MAN: Ooh.
And you can access them.
You, particularly, can access them.
Okay? Particularly, you can access them.
(SNIFFLES)
And it feels like you feel them. It... Yes. Okay.
And not, um...
Not natural mother...
It's... Spirit... Like you feel... Yes.
And I feel like they even walk around
- the house. - The house?
- (LAUGHS) -Yes. Yeah, it feels like they walk around the house.
Okay? Okay. Yeah, it feels like they walk around the house.
Swaha, you will feel these souls soon.
SWAHA: I already have.
Well, my God. Okay.
Well, they will be with you for a very long time.
They're not going anywhere.
I've been scared of them for a long time,
and then I've embraced them.
Mm.
HALL: Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I slept in my parent's bed for a while because of this.
HALL: (CLICKS TONGUE) Well, well... Uh-huh.
They were... They said they were being playful.
They understood it's, like, different on the Earth plane.
They did not mean to scare by any means.
They were being playful, very playful and loving.
Oh! Um... Mm-hmm.
So, like I said, there's two.
The older one is saying there was nothing you could have done.
(SOBBING)
HALL: There's nothing. It was designed as so.
There was nothing. Um...
So don't carry that.
That doesn't... Don't carry that.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
(HALL EXHALES DEEPLY)
- His name is Bobby, Jr. - HOFFMAN: Bobby, Jr, okay.
- He is a bearded dragon, a lizard. - Oh!
After three years together, I donated Bobby to the school
- 'cause I couldn't take care of him anymore. - Mm-hmm.
But I was keeping in touch with the school,
and, like, seeing him every now and again.
But then, after COVID, they had to take all the animals,
and so, the zookeeper took the animals to her home in New Jersey.
I asked if I could visit him,
or I could see him,
and she said that she wasn't comfortable with that.
- Then I said, "Oh, okay." - Okay.
So I sort of left it at that.
- All right, so I'm just going to take a moment. - Yeah.
And just connect with Bobby, Jr.
(INHALES)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
I get that he's very well taken care of
as far as feeding, having his area cleaned.
But from Bobby's point of view,
she's totally different than you.
Completely different affect. Different mood.
Is he happy there?
Or how is he...
And, like, emotionally?
How is he feeling over there?
You know, I don't get that he's unhappy.
I get that he doesn't have as much physical contact with a person.
They don't have the same emotional connection that the two of you had.
Does he have any sort of
yearning for me to sort of, like,
try and get in contact again,
and reach out again, because...
- (HOFFMAN SIGHS) - I don't know if I should just leave it, or...
It's done.
- Yeah? - That part is done.
That's what I get from him.
You know, the thing about animals are,
even after they're not with us,
they're still with us in a different way.
The relationship isn't dead because you've parted.
It's just like two people who part.
There's still...
There's still feelings, there's still emotions.
There's still something higher
than can even be described going on
because he's still affecting you,
and that's what it comes down to.
You're affected.
And his life and his purpose with you wasn't for nothing.
It... It taught you things.
BORJA: This time of the year feels full of longing and missing.
My best friend, Alex, died almost two years ago from today.
(VIDEO PLAYING OVER PHONE)
(MEN CHATTERING ON VIDEO)
(CHUCKLES)
MAN: Oh, my God!
(MEN LAUGHING ON VIDEO)
(VIDEO STOPS)
BORJA: I just remember
I spent a week with him in the hospital.
It's like you wish, and you hope, and you pray,
and you try to keep positive,
and I lead meditations and healing circles
with our friends and family for him,
with that all I would lay my hands on him
and channel energy.
It's like, why didn't it fucking work?
It's interesting, working as a medium,
because people think that we know everything, and we
know all the answers, and we know why things happen.
But we're...
Maybe we can peek around the corner,
and maybe we can see a few feet ahead of people,
but when it comes to our own lives,
and when it comes to things we're emotionally attached to,
we're just as blind.
Terrible things happen that we have no control over.
And there's almost a sense of futility in it.
(HALL EXHALES)
Divine Spirit, we are... Mm.
We are thankful for this time that we get to come together.
We never take these moments for granted.
We never take these moments lightly.
We asked for your highest white light of protection.
We welcome our spirit guides, our transitioned loved ones,
angels and deities to be in the midst.
We ask for our spirit teachers and chemists
to hold the vibration and to support us.
We know that we are here to live and walk in our purpose.
And we ask that you show up in the midst.
It's with a humbled heart,
a heart of love and a heart of thanks.
Amen.
Amen and amen.
Per, may I come to you?
- Yes. - Okay.
Okay, so what I'm getting,
there is such a deep pain and struggle,
and it is so intense.
You're so gentle,
and your sensitivity Is quite unique,
and in order to preserve this, you have to stay guarded.
You cannot be open all the time.
It's too hard. It's too difficult.
And it will eat away at you.
- Does this make sense? - BORJA: Yeah.
I just... I was having a really hard and dark
past couple of weeks.
I have, like, fantasies of leaving this Earth.
I'm not gonna do anything to myself.
But if, like, a car hit me on the way home.
I wouldn't...
I wouldn't be so mad at it.
I don't know, it's like I'm...
Yeah, intense pain, absolutely.
And I don't know where that came from.
Maybe I'm absorbing a lot of things.
I'd love to see if anyone could connect to someone I lost.
My best friend, Alex.
SHERRIE: I feel presence here.
- Did he ever wear jeans jackets? - All the time.
Did he have a good sense of humor?
- Incredible sense... Yeah. - I see him laughing.
- Yeah. - Yeah, he's right here.
(LAUGHS)
SHERRIE: Yeah.
He is saying to me,
"I have so much deep things that I want to say to him.
"And my friend is hurting."
And so one of his priorities right now
is to remind you of, like, joy.
If you want to go out, he'll go with you.
- He's like, "I'll be your wingman." - Yeah.
So, he's really encouraging you to, like...
As dark as things are, because they are, right?
And as bleak as they feel, because they do.
You still have a body, you're still here,
you're still well, you're still, you know, like,
sufficiently able to go out,
and, like, remember how enjoyable it can be to have a human experience.
HALL: All right, let's take a breath. Let's take a breath.
Come on, let's take a breath. (BREATHES DEEPLY)
Right, Earth is hard.
Earth is hard, Earth is hard.
- We know this. Earth is hard. - (EXHALES)
Let's take another breath.
(ALL TAKE DEEP BREATH)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
- MICHAEL: Hi. How are you? - Hi. Good.
My name is Michael. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet... We went to school together.
- We went to school together? - Strasberg?
- What's your name? - Catherine.
- Holy shit! - (CATHERINE LAUGHS)
Am I allowed to say that on camera?
CATHERINE: Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, my God. How are you doing? - Good.
- Can I give you a hug? - Yeah, you can. (LAUGHS)
- Oh, my... - That's insane.
- What? - Hi.
- What is this? Oh, my God. Wow. - Yeah, it's so great.
I didn't recognize you, because you used to have blonde hair, right?
I did, yeah.
- Oh, man! - Holy goodness!
- What the... - I know.
Um, wow!
Okay, wasn't expecting that.
CATHERINE: Neither was I. Wow.
Um...
Yeah. This is obviously something, at Strasberg, that I did not...
- (LAUGHS) - CATHERINE: Right.
...like, go around telling people that I did, you know?
Oh, so you were doing it, like, even then?
- Uh, not professionally. - Oh, okay.
It's only been like in the past, like, four or five years
- that I've been doing it, like, professionally. - Wow.
But I'm still, like, working towards the acting, though.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, for sure. I understand that.
Yeah. Interestingly enough, I'm sure you remember Brian Buzzard.
That's... Yeah.
- Oh, my God. He... - No. (LAUGHS)
- So he's come through to me a few times. - Really?
And, like, there's no mistake that it's been him.
That's so crazy that you immediately mentioned Brian,
because that's the person that I'm, like, bringing all of his stuff.
MICHAEL: Wow!
Oh, man. Okay.
Oh, God, it's almost too weird.
MICHAEL: Um...
Okay. Well, this kind of, like, throws me for a loop, because...
- Yeah. No, I can imagine. - ...I didn't think I was gonna be reading
for someone who I actually knew in real life,
and not only that, but the spirit who they want to come through
is also someone who I knew.
So, um, let's see how it goes.
Okay.
Mm.
Um...
I hate to bring up his passing, like specific details.
I don't know a lot about how he passed.
Okay.
Was there an issue with abnormal breathing?
Like, the moment of his passing,
was there an issue with breathing?
When he passed, and also, like, before the passing as well?
I don't know if he had, like, an issue with breathing,
but I also know that the way he passed was he, like, hung himself.
So I don't know if that's what you mean by, like...
- Okay, well, that would be... - ...breathing.
That would be a breathing issue, for sure.
Okay. (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
- Okay, um... - (SIGHS)
Yeah, so tragic.
What would you like to say to Brian?
I... (SIGHS) Um...
I guess just...
(BREATH TREMBLING)
I didn't actually think of anything to say.
I guess just, like, if he's with me
when I ask him if he's with me?
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Yeah.
CATHERINE: Oh, my God.
Usually, I always kind of talk out loud to him...
- Mm-hmm. - ...when I'm feeling...
- Yeah. - ...like, lost or stagnant or whatever.
So I guess I would just want to know, like,
if, in those moments, he's actually there.
And the answer to that is yes.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Yeah, he is.
Um...
Let me see what he has to say to you.
What... Tell me what is it...
There's something that, um...
Something that you've turned away from, or, like...
Or maybe you do it less or you you don't do it at all?
What is this?
(TEARFULLY) Like acting and writing.
You're gonna... He's saying that you're gonna come back to it.
(SOBBING) Whoo!
I don't know why that one was...
It's because, like, after he died, I...
I was like I like lost all of that.
Well, what I'm getting from him is that,
basically, like,
you're kind of in this, like, rest period.
But you are going to go back to it.
You are going to go back to it, and you still have it in you.
Let me see what else.
(EXHALES)
- I feel like he's performing still. - Mm.
I feel like he... Wherever he is, that he is still performing.
WILSON: We're ready for you.
- Oh, cool. Thank you. - Oh, thank you.
- Well, Michael... - Man, this is fucking crazy.
This is amazing. I'm so happy that this happened like this.
Yeah, me, too.
Also, like, there's no way that that's just a coincidence.
Like, of me sitting down here being like,
- Michael? - Yeah, right.
So, I'm so thrilled that you are, like, thriving with this...
Well, I don't know if I'm thriving, but, um...
- It was so great to see you. - I know. My goodness.
- Oh, my God, this is crazy. - I know.
Well, yeah, but like you said, we're connected on everything.
- Yeah. - So I'll be in touch.
- Yeah, keep in touch. -I'll be in touch especially if, like, anything else kind of,
from today, comes like, "Oh, my gosh! That makes more sense now."
Yeah, And, you know, one last thing, though, with the acting...
And I'm not just saying this to, like, kiss your ass.
But you were really talented, so...
Thank you. I appreciate that.
- Um, you've got to know that. - Thank you.
So it would be a shame for you not to do something.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
I do. That really means a lot.
Ooh. (CHUCKLES)
Um. Okay, well, thank you.
- Yeah. Keep in touch. - I will. Bye.
WOMAN: I guess my question is,
how is she?
HALL: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- I wonder if you could tell me? - Yep. Let's see.
So she is here. She came. Okay. Okay.
Ooh! (CLEARS THROAT) Ooh!
You were chose 'cause they knew you could handle it.
Hmm.
You know how to do the hard stuff,
and also, it's a part of your soul.
It's a part of you knowing how to step in that place and serve,
and you were the best one that day for that.
But she is aware the impact it has on you.
Yeah, she knows.
- I've carried this moment with me for so long. - Mm-hmm.
I just... Do you see me learning how to
actually be at peace with it?
Yes, this is the grieving.
This is the grieving out loud.
You couldn't do it then but you're doing it here now.
You don't need to do it so privately as you have been.
You can do it openly.
Step into the emotional, scary space.
It's gonna be good.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, so good.
Thank you.
(SOBS SOFTLY)
(CRYING)
HALL: I know, I know.
(WOMAN CONTINUES CRYING)
HALL: I know.
(PIANO PLAYING)
♪ In every heart
♪ There is a room
♪ A sanctuary safe and strong
♪ To heal the wounds from lovers past
♪ Until a new one comes along
♪ I spoke to you in cautious tones
♪ You answered me with no pretense
♪ And still I feel I've said too much
♪ My silence is my self-defense
♪ And this why my eyes are closed
♪ It's just as well for all I've seen
♪ And so it goes
♪ And you're the only one who knows
♪ So why would I choose to be with you?
♪ That's if the choice were mine to make
♪ But you can make decisions too
♪ And you can have this heart to break
(PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING)
♪ And so it goes
♪ And you're the only one who knows ♪
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)