- Little tittle, darling? - I thought you'd never ask.
Oh, Saltley, stop it.
Massive diamond, darling?
Hut! Giddyap! Hyah! Hut, hut!
What the devil is happening?
Highwayman, sir. You're being robbed.
- What are we to do? - Your dueling pistol.
Yes. Of course.
Here you go, driver. Good luck.
I think you'll find mine's bigger.
Good Lord.
- We'll have to make a run for it. - I'm not sure I could in this dress.
- What have you done with my wife? - I'm over here.
Who the devil are you?
Darling, it's Dick Turpin.
Well, why didn't you say? Marvelous.
Simply everybody wants to be robbed by Dick Turpin,
the most famous and dashing highwayman of all time.
Here, have all my money.
Have my trousers. In fact, have my wife.
I'm off. Bye.
Strange man.
Madam, it's been an absolute pleasure robbing you blind.
What about a proper kiss?
I'd love to. It's just that I've realized there's no one driving the coach.
One small kiss couldn't hurt.
Oi, Turpin.
Wake up. Think you're dreaming again, mate.
It's Dick Turpin.
Everybody wants to be robbed by Dick Turpin.
You were talking in your sleep again.
At one point, you tried to kiss me, you weirdo.
Really? How was that for you?
Just grab your stuff. We're going.
Great, is that lunch?
No, you're about to be hanged.
I see. And then lunch?
What an idiot.
Professional mourner for your hanging, sir?
- What you got for me? - Special offer.
Two sad hags and a boy in low spirits. Half a crown?
He doesn't look that sad.
Okay.
Well, how about something from our genuine widow range?
- Now you're talking. - Yeah. All recently bereaved.
Real tears are standard.
Look at Margaret, sir. Look at Margaret.
Classic resting sad face.
- Sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
Love Margaret. Yes to Margaret. Got yourself a deal.
See you up there.
Too soon!
Actually, Margaret, save it till we get there.
You're bringing the mood down a little bit.
There will now be a short break for refreshments.
What's going on?
We're allowed a drink before they hang us.
Come on. I'm buying.
Anyone not back on the coach in the next half an hour,
I will leave without you. Okay?
Hello. My name's Poorly Martin, and I shot a chicken.
Hello, Poorly Martin.
Hello. My name's Lizzy Fish,
and I threatened to set fire to a hay bale.
Hello, Lizzy Fish.
Wow, you really can get hanged for anything these days.
Hello. My name's Bill the Blade,
and I killed 26 members of my own family.
Hello, Bill the Blade.
What about you?
His name is Dick Turpin, and he's a highwayman.
- Who are you? - My name is Eliza Bean and I'm a writer.
Move over. I write true-crime stories.
- Really? - Yes.
I mean, I used to write these beautiful plays, poems,
but no one cared.
You write about the most horrific murder and people can't get enough of it.
Why do you think that is, Eliza?
I don't know. I think people are just fascinated by criminals.
I think my readers would like to hear your story.
Well, there's not much to tell.
I wasn't aiming for the chicken.
No, no, no. Not you, Poorly Martin.
You. Dick Turpin.
Dick Turpin. I've heard of you.
You shot Tom King. Shot his face right off.
Nice work.
Do you really think people would like to hear my story?
- Not really. - Yes, please.
My mum used to tell me stories.
Come on, Dick. Spill the beans.
I think people are gonna find you fascinating.
I don't know. I feel a bit embarrassed. I--
I was born to a butcher in the village of Hempstead.
Oh, God. I'm going for a piss.
I had a happy childhood, and I loved my dad.
But growing up, I realized that the life of a butcher just wasn't for me.
Have you killed that rabbit yet?
No, but I have made this entire village out of courgettes.
Look at me and you, made out of peppers.
There's you, looking angry. Not quite as angry as you are now.
How long did that take you?
Nine hours.
Well, when you finish that, can you kill those swans?
Not Carol and Sue, they're in love.
I mean, I don't even know how you kill a swan.
Do you kick it? Do you chop it? Do you hit it with a shoe?
Sometimes I look at you and think, "Do you even wanna be a butcher?"
Of course I don't wanna be a butcher. I'm a vegan.
I've been saying this since I was five. I love animals.
It's not my life, Dad. It's your life. You know?
Yeah, you always were a bit weird.
Drawing, coming up with funny ideas, wearing strange outfits.
You're the weirdest of all my children.
I'm an only child, Dad.
I just feel like I'm destined to do something, you know?
Something big, something creative.
Well.
If that's how you feel, I suppose I could get your cousin Benny in.
He loves killing animals.
He's already done a few shifts when you weren't around.
- He's actually really good. - I know.
He loves meat.
He loves talking about meat, touching meat.
He's got his own knives.
Just get Benny, Dad. It'll be better for you.
You know, I'll go and follow my dreams.
- You're sure? - Yeah.
Well, I was gonna leave all this to you.
Benny will have it now. And your room.
What about my stuff?
Have to probably burn it. Throw it into the street.
All right, Dad. Look, I'll just take these purple shoes and my sewing machine.
Right. Well, if that's your decision, I'll let Benny know.
All right.
- All right, Benny? - All right?
Great, so you already told him?
- Things were coming to a head. - In what way?
You spent nine hours making a courgette village.
Look after yourself, Son.
Say goodbye to Carol and Sue for me, Dad.
- See ya, Benny. - See ya.
- Do you think he's gonna be all right? - He'll be dead by the end of the week.
So, you really made an entire village out of courgettes?
Yeah. Well, actually, I used pumpkins for the foundations.
I mean, you need a firm base.
And your dad kicked you out?
Yeah, I can't believe it. I've got no job, I've got nowhere to live.
All I own in the world is this sewing machine
- and these powerful, purple shoes. - Cool.
You haven't got anywhere I could store them?
Yeah. Put them in the cupboard.
Brilliant. Thanks, Little Karen. You're a diamond.
That is a big cupboard.
No, not that door. The next one along.
That's a secret passage.
I didn't know you had a secret passage.
- Well, it's a secret, isn't it? - Yeah.
If everyone knew about it, it would just be a passage.
That's not nearly as cool, is it?
Wow, secret passage though. Check you out.
Wish I had a secret passage.
- That sounds weird. - Yeah, that did sound a bit weird. Sorry.
Five glasses of kill grief.
We don't serve people we don't know.
Fine.
I'm Tom King.
Honesty Barebone.
Nicholas Fraser.
Moose Pleck. And...
Steve.
Well, actually, I prefer Steven.
Not a biggie. Steve's fine.
There's an opening coming up in my gang.
Is there?
You.
Tomorrow, Lord Rookwood will be traveling to his summer retreat in Dagenham.
You're gonna stop his coach and direct him to Rowney Woods where we will be waiting.
Are you joking? I'm eight.
Exactly. He won't suspect you.
Sorry, just to be clear, does this mean that I am not in the gang anymore?
What if they don't stop?
Then you pull out your barking iron and you make them stop.
What's a barking iron?
One of these.
Oh, yeah. I've seen one of those, yeah.
Got it.
Who are you?
Just the local butcher. I was a butcher actually.
I've just been replaced by my cousin Benny. He's got his own knives.
To be honest, I wasn't really feeling it.
You know, I'm a vegan and--
I mean, I've got skills. I just don't really know how to channel them.
But I feel like there's something out there for me.
You know, something quite creative.
This is your lucky day.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Got a job for ya.
Cool. What is it?
What I just told her to do!
Okay, I guess I'd just really appreciate some feedback. I mean, I thought--
Here.
Okay. So, I just push that button and it comes out that tube.
Where do I wear that? Where do you keep yours?
Is it sort of up here or is there a holster?
Is there a safety catch?
'Cause I feel like this could go off in my trousers.
No. There's no safety catch.
Right. Seems a bit dangerous. Maybe I'll carry it in a bag.
Yeah. You do that.
Okay.
Tomorrow. Ten o'clock. Don't weasel out.
- Steve. - Steve.
It's Steven.
Oh, my poorest soul Wherever it may be
Dick, what are you doing? You can't do this.
I couldn't let you go, could I? You're a child. It's much too dangerous.
- What if we both go? - That's even worse.
Look, I'll be okay.
Just one question. Did he say there was or wasn't a safety catch?
Just be careful.
'Cause if you get caught doing this, you're in real trouble.
I'm not gonna get caught. Don't worry about me.
I'm a master of disguise.
Giddyap, boys. Yep. Yep.
So, what you're saying is you've seen a gang of men
up in my top field stealing my deer.
And the reason you know this is
because you're from precisely 15 minutes into the future.
Exactly.
What's it like in the future?
It's pretty much the same as it is now.
I mean, the outfits have come on a little bit.
Give me that bag.
- What's this? - That's a banana.
And this?
It's one of those waterproof ponchos, in case it rains.
And what's this?
I believe that's called a barking "ion."
- It's a gun. - Yeah, that's it. It's a gun.
With the initials TK. You're in Tom King's gang.
Charlatan!
How dare you enter my carriage with this cock-and-bull story?
Please!
Don't stop, driver!
- It's a bloody ambush! - Come on.
Bye-bye, Future Man!
Get out!
That's a shame. I love that poncho.
Where is he?
It didn't quite go according to plan.
Who have you come as?
I'm from the future.
Only 15 minutes into the future.
Uh-huh.
If you're from the future, you should've seen this coming.
What happened?
Did you just kill Tom King?
Technically, yeah. But, guys, there's a little bit of context.
Then you are a braver man than me.
He's gone. We're free!
Yes!
You mean this is fine?
We hated him. You've done us a massive favor.
What, a headshot as well, yeah?
- Nice. I can see inside his mind. - That's disgusting.
All he wanted to do was rob people for money, and that's not what this is about.
No. Isn't it?
- No. - No, of course not.
I wanna rob people as a protest
about the injustice of hereditary land ownership.
And to help the poor.
We'll still kill people though?
Yeah, of course we'll still kill people.
Sweet.
I can't believe you guys didn't like Tom King.
Well, he actually said some really horrible things to me.
Really horrible.
Hey, do you wanna talk about it?
And he said I had cankles, which is not okay.
No.
'Cause I'm actually quite sensitive about my legs.
I can never find breeches that fit, which is why I always ride sidesaddle.
But Tom said I looked like a big girl's blouse when I did that.
Nothing wrong with looking like a big girl's blouse, my large friend.
They're practical, they're elegant.
I mean, I wore a dress for nearly a year once.
No underwear, the breeze blowing up me.
It felt great. You should try it.
- Yes, please. - We're meant to be scary.
All I'm saying is,
if Moose rocked up in a stunning loose-cut smock frock,
he'd get my vote.
- It would be more comfortable. - And your confidence would soar.
Clothes maketh the man.
- Clearly. - Or the woman.
I mean, check out this guy. Rocking those breeches, yeah?
- Clearly a lady. - Wait, what?
Well, that's a game changer.
What, you didn't know?
But you're called Nicholas.
- Okay, my real name is Nell. - What?
Opportunities for women in highway robbery aren't exactly great.
So I called myself Nicholas and dressed as a man.
I mean, it's pretty obvious to most people.
- No way. - You know, I can see a time
when women and men do the same job for the same money.
I like it. He's doing a funny.
- That's good. - I was actually being serious.
It's a double bluff. Two.
What?
Just thought I saw a loose cartwheel by that hillock.
Rolling.
He made me look! Three! Hat trick.
Insane.
He's great, isn't he?
I like him.
All right, guys. It's been real.
I'm gonna skedaddle. Got a few little bits to do.
Wait, aren't you gonna be our new leader and, like, spiritual guru and life coach?
- I'm sorry, what? - Yeah. He's in charge now, right?
Me, leader?
Maybe this is what I was destined to do.
Lead a gang of dashing outlaws, riding across the heath.
- The wind blowing through my hair. - Yeah.
Sorry.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Dick Turpin."
"Aren't you a butcher?" "No, that was ages ago."
- Yes. -"Can I still buy chops off you?"
"Not really. You'd have to speak to my dad about that."
Who's he talking to?
- His imaginary self. - He's so cool.
"What about pork medallions?"
"We've been through this, all right? I'm a highwayman now."
I am a highwayman.
- Yes. I'll do it. - Yeah!
This is so exciting. We can have a special handshake.
- Yes! - A little shake, a slide.
Fist bump. Booty bounce.
No booty bounce.
Right. You don't get to decide who's leader.
We decide who's leader, and you're not gonna be leader.
Okay.
I think Dick should be leader.
I'm not totally sure, but I think he's the best man in the world.
Me too. He's gonna make me a dress. Do you think he has a best friend?
Hang on. What about me? All right?
I'm the best highwayman. I should be in charge.
Nell, we love you. You're great with a gun, and you ride a mean horse.
But you do tend to buckle under pressure.
I don't buckle. I never buckle.
I'm unbuckle-able.
Okay then. You can be leader.
- Yeah. Where we going now? - Head back or get lunch?
Okay. Lunch or head back?
Both fantastic options.
Oh, God.
God, I can't take this stress!
Fine. Whatever. I don't care.
- That settles it. Dick's our new leader! - Yes!
And it was in that glorious moment that my fate was sealed
and a legend was born.
This is a beautiful moment, guys.
This is where we could do our special handshake.
- Yes. - I'm not doing a handshake.
- She'll come around. - I know.
I was now the rightful leader of my very own gang of outlaws.
- Sounds made-up. - No, it doesn't.
- What bit? - All of it.
One minute you're a butcher prancing around with your funny ideas.
The next minute you're dressed as some kind of future man.
Yeah, that was a bit weird.
And then suddenly, you're in charge of an old gang of criminals.
All right. It does sound a bit made-up. But I can assure you it did happen.
- I believe you, Dick. - Thanks, Poorly Martin.
Okay, so let's just do a recap of what I've written so far.
Turpin, with his magnificent head of raven hair,
emerges from the upended carriage,
coming face-to-face with the incandescent Tom King.
Then, without one thought for his own self,
Dick Turpin bravely and heroically shoots Tom King in the face.
Dick beguiles the gang to take his place as the new rightful leader.
Bewitching Honesty, wrestling Moose to the ground
and seducing Nell, who was clearly in love with him from the beginning.
- Right? - I mean, yeah, loosely.
Wow. You're incredible.
Okay. Brilliant. Well, I've got all that.
Now, so you're in charge of the gang. What happens next?
Well, next, I made myself and the gang some incredible outfits.
- Outfits? - Yeah, you know. I wanted us to look good.
I can't listen to this shit anymore.
I love it.
What about the cape? Too long?
- Can a cape be too long? - Correct answer.
How do you guys feel?
- Bit weird. - I like it.
I just feel right.
Sorry, is this leather?
No. Surprisingly, it's pleather. Parsnip leather.
Catches the light, it's durable, wipes clean.
- Good for blood, yeah? - Yeah.
We look incredible.
In fact, somebody draw us.
Alf.
Somebody else draw us.
Look out, Dick. Jonathan Wilde's here.
- Who's he? - The thieftaker general.
I'm not gonna lie, he sounds exactly like the sort of person we should be avoiding.
No, Dick. He's a crook.
He had a deal with Tom King.
- Yeah. He's dangerous. - Yeah.
Listen, if you want to walk away from all this, I wouldn't blame you.
- I'm fine. - We'll be right here, Dick.
I'll die for you, Dick.
That's good to know.
All right, guys, stand behind me. Try and look menacing.
Nell, let me do the talking.
Mr. Wilde.
I have to say, you're slightly smaller than I'd imagined.
I am Jonathan Wilde.
Yep. That makes more sense.
- This is my son, Christopher. - Hello, Christopher.
Currently, my wife and I don't have any childcare.
Absolute ball-ache.
Christopher, go and sit over there.
So, to business.
To business.
Mr. Turpin, your reputation precedes you.
Does it?
Well, not many people would have the nerve to stand up to Tom King.
King was a bully. I don't like bullies.
Then it's a good thing I come as a friend.
King and I had a certain arrangement.
And now that he's gone and you seem to be the new leader,
I was wondering if you might be open to a similar degree of cooperation.
- It's really very simple. - Dad.
You keep doing what you're doing,
- with no risk of going to the gallows. - Dad.
We take a look at what you've stolen. I keep most of it,
maybe even sell one or two items back to the original owners.
- Dad. - What?
I found a dead moth.
Christopher, what did I say to you before we came here?
Keep quiet when you're working.
So why are you telling me about a dead moth?
It's really big.
Put it down.
It's already dead.
Christopher, you put that moth down now or you can go and wait in the cart.
Sorry. I mean, adorable, but sometimes...
Okay, so what exactly would be your cut?
Ninety-five percent.
Ninety-five perc-- That's daylight robbery.
I have a lot of overheads, Turpin.
Bribing informants, network of spies, Christopher's swimming lessons.
- Swimming is important. - It is.
Do you think you could come down just a little bit?
Listen, I send a lot of people to the gallows.
Careful, Dick. I think he might be threatening us.
Not a threat.
We can make an excellent team.
I've already got an excellent team.
We're called the Essex Gang, and we don't work for anybody.
That's a shame.
You, sir, have just signed your own death warr--
For crying out loud, Christopher, can you please pack it in?
I'm afraid you and your gang will be taken in
and hanged for the murder of Tom King.
Oh, really? And who's gonna take us in?
- Me. - You and whose army?
Me and my army.
And who exactly is your army?
Christopher and that singed moth?
No, me and my actual army.
Yeah, that's quite impressive.
No one escapes the thieftaker general.
- Guys, secret passage. - What?
- Go! Go. Go, go! - Come on! Moose!
- Honesty! - Listen to Dick!
I didn't know this place had a secret passage.
Well, it's a secret, isn't it?
Well, no, I take your point.
I suppose if everyone knew about it, then it would just be a passage.
That's what I said.
You see, we're not so different, you and I.
Why not come and work for me?
I don't think so.
You see, Tom King was an old-school highwayman.
I'm new-school.
There's gonna be less violence on my watch,
more charm, maybe even some panache.
We're not gonna be giving money to fat cats like you.
We're gonna give it to real people, poor people.
Like Little Karen and Alf who can't draw.
Yes.
Catch you on the flip side, big chin.
Hi. Can I help you?
I mean, who puts a cupboard next to a secret passage?
- At least make the doors different colors. - Exactly. Color-code them.
You know, cupboard, it's practical. It's green or brown, isn't it?
Secret passage is mysterious, so, purple.
- Or turquoise. - Exactly.
Just put signs on the doors like with toilets and be done with it.
Can't put signs on a secret door, Lizzy the Fish.
Wouldn't be secret anymore, would it?
What about a braille sign that you have to feel?
Can you read braille?
No, but I wouldn't go in a secret passage. They freak me out.
As fascinating as all this cupboard chat is,
I just don't think it's gonna make the article.
But we've still got a thrilling ending though.
- Have we? What ending? - You. You're gonna get hanged.
I'm not gonna get hanged. Don't you understand?
I got caught, but not before I rescued my gang.
Leaving them free to rescue me. It's perfect.
Yeah. No, it is perfect. Of course they'll come.
They will come. I heroically and bravely killed Tom King.
And then saved them from Jonathan Wilde. They love me.
Yeah, no. Of course they do. And when they rescue you,
I will tag along and write a book about all your adventures.
The Adventures of Dick Turpin.
And what about if they don't rescue you and you get hanged?
Well, you know, then it'll be more of a pamphlet.
A pamphlet?
- A punchy pamphlet. - A punchy pam--
I don't want to be a punchy-- Nobody wants to be a punchy pamphlet.
I wanna be a punchy pamphlet.
All right then.
Everyone back on the wagon.
This is your last chance to use the toilet.
Ever.
Please take a moment to check you've got all your personal belongings.
Thank you.
Margaret, you're up. Think about your husband.
Perfect.
That's dangerous, that is. Those things can really gather momentum.
- What things? - Those round things.
- You mean wheels? - Yeah.
- That's what they're designed to do. - I know.
I'm just flagging it up. I don't want to see anyone get hurt.
Well, that's very noble of you, coming from someone who's about to be hanged.
Geoffrey, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye,
but I just want to say I've really enjoyed our time together.
Righto. Mind how you go, Dirk.
- It's Dick actually. - Whatever.
- Stay in touch, yeah? - Uh-huh.
Any last words?
Yeah. Give me a minute.
I know what you're thinking.
"Who is this guy with the incredible cheekbones?
Where does he get his hair done? His jacket's supreme."
Those things aren't important. Well, they are a little bit.
What is important is that my name is Dick Turpin,
and one day I'll be the most famous highwayman in all of England.
You are literally about to be hanged, you idiot!
I'm not an idiot actually, because my gang are gonna come and rescue me.
In fact, they're already here.
Let me introduce you to a good friend of mine.
Moose.
That would have been so good.
This guy is priceless.
- Hang him! - I'm sorry.
Let me just get that.
Oh, God, let me get the eyeholes level.
There you go. Can you see? Yeah, you're good to go.
That's enough.
Quick note to my gang:
If you were planning a rescue,
probably before the rope goes around my neck would be a good time.
Guys?
Brilliant. Best hanging I've ever been to.
Guys? Guys.
Come on, guys. Stop messing around.
Gu--
What are you waiting for? Shoot the rope.
- Quickly! - Stop pressuring me.
These things can be a little bit inaccurate.
You did that on purpose. You don't even want to save him.
Oh, God. Now he's dying.
Look, his body's gone all jerky.
Calm down. He's not dead. I'll just reload.
Forget this. I'm doing it my way.
We're coming, Dick!
Guards! Get him!
I can't believe you came.
Of course. You're the best man in the world.
I know.
It's so, so comfortable.
- Moose! - Sorry, mate.
Leg it.
Not again.
Been in any good cupboards lately?
All right, big chin?
You must have realized by now that you can never outrun Jonathan Wilde.
- Time to-- - Dad.
- Time to make-- - Dad.
- Time to make-- - Dad!
- For crying out loud, what? - Cartwheel!
I did flag that up actually.
Am I gonna have to ride this small horse all the time?
Stop moaning. It's all I could get at short notice.
I mean, I'm the leader. I should be on a big horse.
I've been on bigger dogs.
Right. Let's get on with it.
Christopher, the whole point of a wanted poster
is people see it and recognize who it is.
This looks like a turtle wearing a dress.
- Who did this? - Alf.
Alf? Alf from the pub?
Everyone knows he can't draw for toffee.
- How many of these have you had made? - 3000.
Blood and sand, Christopher. When do schools go back?