1 00:00:04,912 --> 00:00:05,947 [waves lapping] 2 00:00:05,947 --> 00:00:07,248 [children laughing] 3 00:00:07,248 --> 00:00:09,116 ["Here Comes That Feeling" playing] 4 00:00:10,985 --> 00:00:15,923 ♪ Here comes that feeling again, and it ain't right ♪ 5 00:00:17,625 --> 00:00:22,062 ♪ That lonely feeling that came to me last night ♪ 6 00:00:23,798 --> 00:00:28,703 ♪ It hurts to see you in the arms of my friend ♪ 7 00:00:28,703 --> 00:00:30,605 [children laughing, chattering] 8 00:00:30,605 --> 00:00:36,677 ♪ Here comes that lonely, lonely feeling again ♪ 9 00:00:42,917 --> 00:00:47,588 ♪ I saw you last night in a drive-in way downtown ♪ 10 00:00:47,588 --> 00:00:49,657 [water dripping] 11 00:00:49,657 --> 00:00:54,128 ♪ Locked in her arms, you didn't know I was around ♪ 12 00:00:55,330 --> 00:01:00,567 ♪ Alone in my room, I remember where you've been ♪ 13 00:01:01,836 --> 00:01:04,972 ♪ Here comes that lonely ♪ 14 00:01:04,972 --> 00:01:06,207 Lonely feeling again ♪ 15 00:01:06,207 --> 00:01:08,509 [groans] 16 00:01:08,509 --> 00:01:10,477 [sighs] Shit. 17 00:01:14,515 --> 00:01:19,187 ♪ I've gotta get rid if that lonely feeling ♪ 18 00:01:19,187 --> 00:01:25,026 ♪ That makes me feel the way I do when a day is done ♪ 19 00:01:25,026 --> 00:01:27,228 [pilot light igniter clicking] 20 00:01:27,228 --> 00:01:31,098 ♪ Someday you're gonna know what it means to be lonesome ♪ 21 00:01:32,533 --> 00:01:33,935 You're gonna want me back ♪ 22 00:01:33,935 --> 00:01:35,102 [sighs] 23 00:01:39,807 --> 00:01:44,645 ♪ Here comes that feeling again, and it ain't right ♪ 24 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:50,818 ♪ That lonely feeling that came to me last night ♪ 25 00:01:52,286 --> 00:01:54,722 It hurts to see you ♪ 26 00:01:54,722 --> 00:01:56,790 [music ends] 27 00:01:59,126 --> 00:02:01,562 Maybe you shouldn't be doing all this driving. 28 00:02:01,562 --> 00:02:05,033 Oh, no, it's not you. The bump's an early riser. 29 00:02:05,033 --> 00:02:07,101 I was online shopping at five o'clock this morning. 30 00:02:07,101 --> 00:02:10,805 You should see my hall, Horse. Full of crap I've bought. 31 00:02:10,805 --> 00:02:12,940 - Yeah, I know what you mean. - [chuckles] 32 00:02:12,940 --> 00:02:16,177 See the Amazon courier more than I see Guy. 33 00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:17,678 - Are you all right? - [sniffles] 34 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:20,815 Don't mind me. It's just the hormones. 35 00:02:20,815 --> 00:02:24,251 - Hey, are you sure? - Yeah, of course. All good. 36 00:02:26,821 --> 00:02:28,556 [Horse] Oh, it's good of you to take me, 37 00:02:28,556 --> 00:02:31,059 but I can't have you waiting about. 38 00:02:31,059 --> 00:02:33,895 - I'll get a bus back. Honestly. - [Yvonne] Oh, don't worry. 39 00:02:33,895 --> 00:02:35,897 I'm not rushing back for anythin'. 40 00:02:35,897 --> 00:02:39,833 Oh. Besides, when you come out, you could do me a small favour. 41 00:02:41,602 --> 00:02:43,538 I need someone to practise the Botox on. 42 00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,807 [giggles] You can't do it on yourself when you're pregnant, 43 00:02:45,807 --> 00:02:49,643 and you've got some tasty worry lines I could sort out. 44 00:02:50,644 --> 00:02:52,513 [stammers] Guy? 45 00:02:52,513 --> 00:02:54,848 Too busy. Anyway, he doesn't seem to worry about anything. 46 00:02:56,016 --> 00:02:57,251 No lines. 47 00:02:59,687 --> 00:03:02,590 [stammers] Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. 48 00:03:02,590 --> 00:03:04,859 Aw, thanks, Horse! 49 00:03:04,859 --> 00:03:06,026 You remind me of me grandad. 50 00:03:07,328 --> 00:03:09,463 He used to let me put ribbons in his hair. 51 00:03:24,645 --> 00:03:25,813 [advisor] Ms Dalton? 52 00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:31,119 - Watch me carpet. - Sorry, mate. Sorry. 53 00:03:31,119 --> 00:03:32,754 - [carpet fitter] You all right? - Yeah. Yeah. 54 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:33,854 [grunts] 55 00:03:36,057 --> 00:03:37,825 [sighs] [telephone ringing in distance] 56 00:03:40,161 --> 00:03:41,729 [groans] 57 00:03:42,696 --> 00:03:44,565 [groans] Shit. 58 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,668 I know you. 59 00:03:47,668 --> 00:03:49,169 - [sighs] - I know you. 60 00:03:50,604 --> 00:03:52,974 - What? - I know you. 61 00:03:52,974 --> 00:03:54,742 I know you. Where do I know you from? 62 00:03:54,742 --> 00:03:58,012 Um, Dickie Pump's Pub? 63 00:03:58,012 --> 00:03:59,480 I'm banned. 64 00:04:00,848 --> 00:04:04,986 Big Baps? Big-- No, banned. 65 00:04:04,986 --> 00:04:06,554 Uh... 66 00:04:06,554 --> 00:04:09,090 Oh! Army! Were you in the... 67 00:04:09,090 --> 00:04:12,794 No? Fucking hell. I know ya. I know ya. 68 00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,228 Oh, God. I never forget a face, 69 00:04:14,228 --> 00:04:15,697 especially if I've seen it in uniform. 70 00:04:15,697 --> 00:04:17,799 It's always in there. 71 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:19,934 I was a redcoat at Butlin's once. 72 00:04:19,934 --> 00:04:21,769 Butlin's? No. 73 00:04:23,637 --> 00:04:25,239 What's your name? 74 00:04:25,239 --> 00:04:26,908 - Horse. - Horse. 75 00:04:26,908 --> 00:04:30,011 Oh, like the... [imitating galloping] Yeah. 76 00:04:30,011 --> 00:04:31,746 Hey, have you got a tab on you, mate? 77 00:04:31,746 --> 00:04:34,949 - What? - Got a tab? You know, a cig. 78 00:04:34,949 --> 00:04:37,852 Or, uh, you know, I won't mind a... [whistles] 79 00:04:37,852 --> 00:04:38,986 I'm gagging. 80 00:04:39,987 --> 00:04:41,155 [worker] Ticket number 50. 81 00:04:43,657 --> 00:04:47,128 [siren wailing in distance] 82 00:04:47,128 --> 00:04:49,497 - [answerphone beeps] - [Yvonne] Guy, barely seen 83 00:04:49,497 --> 00:04:52,933 each other all week. Sweetheart, please call me back. 84 00:04:57,104 --> 00:04:58,472 Darren! 85 00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:01,542 Oh. Hello, Yvonne. 86 00:05:01,542 --> 00:05:03,578 Uh, Darren, can you do me a big favour? 87 00:05:03,578 --> 00:05:05,713 Horse is in the job hub. Bob in and check 88 00:05:05,713 --> 00:05:07,548 he's still alive, will you? I've been here ages. 89 00:05:07,548 --> 00:05:09,650 [stammers] I've actually got a meeting to go-- 90 00:05:09,650 --> 00:05:11,185 With Guy? 91 00:05:11,185 --> 00:05:13,121 Uh, uh, no. As a matter of fact, it's with a-- 92 00:05:13,121 --> 00:05:14,822 I should've gone in with him, really, 93 00:05:14,822 --> 00:05:17,091 but they'd have my wheels around here. Be a love. 94 00:05:19,260 --> 00:05:20,294 Okay. 95 00:05:20,294 --> 00:05:21,662 [whispers] Thank you. 96 00:05:25,266 --> 00:05:28,870 [indistinct conversations] 97 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:32,140 Take a seat. Someone will be with you in... 98 00:05:32,140 --> 00:05:33,775 quite a while, actually. 99 00:05:33,775 --> 00:05:36,944 Oh, no, I'm-- I'm just looking for, um... 100 00:05:36,944 --> 00:05:38,012 Oh, uh... 101 00:05:41,048 --> 00:05:42,683 Have you been sacked as well? 102 00:05:43,951 --> 00:05:46,220 Uh, certainly not, uh, yet. 103 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:49,157 Um, no, uh, Y-Yvonne w-was just wondering-- 104 00:05:49,157 --> 00:05:50,692 Mr Mitchell! 105 00:05:50,692 --> 00:05:52,026 That's me. 106 00:05:52,026 --> 00:05:54,195 - Oh, uh, well-- But I-- - See you. 107 00:05:54,195 --> 00:05:56,864 Well, I'll-- I'll just sit down. 108 00:05:56,864 --> 00:05:58,733 [Joy] Mind the carpet. 109 00:05:58,733 --> 00:05:59,900 Take a seat. 110 00:06:03,971 --> 00:06:06,507 [typing] 111 00:06:06,507 --> 00:06:08,175 Got an HGV licence? 112 00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:12,479 Well, I drive a, uh, mobility scooter. 113 00:06:13,514 --> 00:06:14,949 There's some shelf stacking here. 114 00:06:14,949 --> 00:06:18,653 W-What happened to "The job of me dreams"? 115 00:06:18,653 --> 00:06:21,655 Does warehouse work feature in your dreams at all? 116 00:06:22,890 --> 00:06:24,792 Can't I just stay on the Disability? 117 00:06:24,792 --> 00:06:27,495 Well, you've been certified fit for work, Mr Mitchell. 118 00:06:27,495 --> 00:06:30,732 Well, I'm fit for nowt, love, and I've got no money coming in. 119 00:06:30,732 --> 00:06:32,800 You shouldn't have gotten yourself sacked, then. 120 00:06:37,705 --> 00:06:39,507 What you reading? [sniffles] 121 00:06:39,507 --> 00:06:42,477 Oh, it's, um-- It's rather good, actually. 122 00:06:42,477 --> 00:06:45,480 It's about the, uh, the Women's Kurdish Militia. 123 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,216 I took on that lot in Iraq. I mean, it was them 124 00:06:48,216 --> 00:06:50,818 or some fucking terrorist outfit, know what I mean? 125 00:06:50,818 --> 00:06:53,755 Oh, uh, I think you'll find that they're not actually terrorists. 126 00:06:53,755 --> 00:06:55,923 Sorry, are you telling me that I don't know 127 00:06:55,923 --> 00:07:00,995 what I'm talking about? I was there, mate. I was there. 128 00:07:00,995 --> 00:07:03,064 No. I wouldn't dream-- 129 00:07:03,064 --> 00:07:04,866 What have you got it for, then? 130 00:07:04,866 --> 00:07:07,268 Uh, a friend lent it to me. She was in it. 131 00:07:07,268 --> 00:07:10,571 So, you are friends with these fuckers? 132 00:07:11,839 --> 00:07:15,643 Well, no, actually. Not--Not anymore. 133 00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:17,278 You better not be. 134 00:07:17,278 --> 00:07:19,013 Lend us a couple quid for some scram? 135 00:07:19,013 --> 00:07:21,816 I, uh, I don't actually carry cash these days. 136 00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:23,851 Fucking contactless society, man. 137 00:07:23,851 --> 00:07:25,853 It's just absolutely killed off begging. 138 00:07:25,853 --> 00:07:27,889 Come on, mate. You must have a fiver. 139 00:07:27,889 --> 00:07:29,891 - [typing] - Well, how long is it gonna be 140 00:07:29,891 --> 00:07:31,525 before I get me dole? 141 00:07:34,061 --> 00:07:37,031 Mr Mitchell, do you remember 142 00:07:37,031 --> 00:07:39,534 the Claimant Commitment you signed? 143 00:07:39,534 --> 00:07:41,035 Yeah. 144 00:07:41,035 --> 00:07:42,103 No. 145 00:07:42,103 --> 00:07:45,139 Uh, well, maybe. 146 00:07:45,139 --> 00:07:49,577 'Kay. In order to be eligible for benefits, you signed 147 00:07:49,577 --> 00:07:53,214 a Department for Work and Pensions Claimant Commitment. 148 00:07:53,214 --> 00:07:55,149 - Did I? - You did. 149 00:07:55,149 --> 00:07:58,686 And when you got sacked, you broke that contract. 150 00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:01,121 So you've been given a benefit sanction. 151 00:08:03,624 --> 00:08:05,126 Is that good? 152 00:08:05,126 --> 00:08:07,128 If you feel you've been unfairly sanctioned, 153 00:08:07,128 --> 00:08:10,498 you can challenge the decision using form C68 154 00:08:10,498 --> 00:08:13,768 or referring your complaint to the local ombudsman. 155 00:08:13,768 --> 00:08:16,004 What? 156 00:08:16,004 --> 00:08:18,573 No benefit for eight weeks. 157 00:08:18,573 --> 00:08:20,608 - No money? - [Joy] Nope. 158 00:08:20,608 --> 00:08:24,012 - [Horse] But I-- - Zero pounds, zero pence. 159 00:08:24,012 --> 00:08:25,847 [typing] 160 00:08:25,847 --> 00:08:28,282 [telephone ringing in distance] 161 00:08:28,282 --> 00:08:31,552 [typing continues] 162 00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:34,022 Okay, look, there is a hardship allowance 163 00:08:34,022 --> 00:08:36,624 or an emergency loan you can apply for 164 00:08:36,624 --> 00:08:39,861 if you've any dependants or you're pregnant. 165 00:08:39,861 --> 00:08:41,796 Any children at all? 166 00:08:41,796 --> 00:08:44,532 - No. - Are you pregnant? 167 00:08:44,532 --> 00:08:46,034 - Are you having a laugh? - Well, we have to ask. 168 00:08:46,034 --> 00:08:47,535 I've been on a course. 169 00:08:47,535 --> 00:08:48,636 [resumes typing] 170 00:08:48,636 --> 00:08:50,038 [scoffs] No. 171 00:08:50,038 --> 00:08:52,573 So, it's an emergency loan you're after? 172 00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:54,776 Well, I haven't eaten for about three days, love. 173 00:08:54,776 --> 00:08:58,612 I mean, is that not, like, an emergency? 174 00:09:00,815 --> 00:09:01,783 [opens drawer] 175 00:09:01,783 --> 00:09:02,916 Okay. 176 00:09:09,256 --> 00:09:11,959 [package rustles] 177 00:09:17,031 --> 00:09:18,132 What's that? 178 00:09:19,266 --> 00:09:20,467 My lunch. 179 00:09:22,570 --> 00:09:24,538 I'm supposed to be on a diet anyway. 180 00:09:26,841 --> 00:09:28,643 [resumes typing] 181 00:09:28,643 --> 00:09:34,115 No. Very kind of you, love, but no. I can't take-- No. 182 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,250 Thank you. No. No! 183 00:09:38,018 --> 00:09:39,153 Shit. 184 00:09:40,621 --> 00:09:43,057 [grunts, groans] 185 00:09:43,057 --> 00:09:44,758 Mind me carpets. 186 00:09:47,762 --> 00:09:49,864 Help me up onto this chair. Thanks. 187 00:09:49,864 --> 00:09:51,265 Uh, right. 188 00:09:51,265 --> 00:09:53,000 - [Horse groaning] - What exactly are you-- 189 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,902 are you trying to do? 190 00:09:54,902 --> 00:09:56,837 [groans] Right. 191 00:09:58,105 --> 00:09:59,139 Okay. 192 00:10:00,508 --> 00:10:04,044 Can I--Can I have your attention, please? 193 00:10:07,081 --> 00:10:09,917 - Oi! - [Joy] Oh! All right. 194 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:14,022 I came over here from Liverpool in the '80s. 195 00:10:14,022 --> 00:10:16,290 I worked, and I paid me stamps. 196 00:10:16,290 --> 00:10:20,094 Roofing, tarmac laying, whatever I could to work. 197 00:10:21,128 --> 00:10:23,531 'Cause that's what I did. I worked. 198 00:10:23,531 --> 00:10:25,266 Horse, can we talk about this at ground level? 199 00:10:25,266 --> 00:10:27,201 Won't take long. Promise. 200 00:10:27,201 --> 00:10:29,237 But then me shoulders went, didn't they? 201 00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:31,238 'Cause of the hod-carrying. 202 00:10:32,106 --> 00:10:34,842 My knees got jiggered because of the bricklaying. 203 00:10:35,643 --> 00:10:37,545 And I've always had a dodgy chest 204 00:10:37,545 --> 00:10:39,080 ever since I was a kid. 205 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,082 But I was all right, you know? 206 00:10:41,082 --> 00:10:43,984 'Cause I got me sick pay. I got me scooter. 207 00:10:44,852 --> 00:10:47,021 Not a lot to live on, but enough, you know? 208 00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,523 Enough to get by. 209 00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:50,892 All right, mate. Come on. 210 00:10:50,892 --> 00:10:52,026 You've had your say, yeah? 211 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,895 No! No, I haven't. 212 00:10:53,895 --> 00:10:56,230 [bystanders gasp, murmur] 213 00:10:56,230 --> 00:11:00,568 But then things changed, you know? 214 00:11:00,568 --> 00:11:04,171 People got, I don't know, mean. 215 00:11:05,239 --> 00:11:07,675 Meaner than the Thatcher days, 216 00:11:07,675 --> 00:11:09,177 and I never thought I'd say that. 217 00:11:09,177 --> 00:11:11,211 And suddenly, I'm a scrounger. 218 00:11:12,012 --> 00:11:15,482 That fucking hurts, that word. Fucking scrounger. 219 00:11:16,984 --> 00:11:19,854 They started poking round in me life. 220 00:11:19,854 --> 00:11:22,123 Do I cook me own food? 221 00:11:22,123 --> 00:11:25,093 How many times a night do I use the toilet? Do I piss meself? 222 00:11:25,093 --> 00:11:27,028 Are my knees still jiggered 223 00:11:27,028 --> 00:11:28,763 after all these years of hard work, 224 00:11:28,763 --> 00:11:30,932 or am I just fucking pretending? 225 00:11:30,932 --> 00:11:33,634 'Cause we don't trust your type anymore. 226 00:11:35,169 --> 00:11:38,840 Then I had to go to this disability assessor-- 227 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:41,476 This "doctor" who says to me, 228 00:11:41,476 --> 00:11:45,279 "Horse, mate, you're a miracle cure! 229 00:11:45,279 --> 00:11:49,250 You're not disabled anymore. You can work. 230 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:52,053 And if you don't work, you don't fucking eat." 231 00:11:52,053 --> 00:11:53,755 So, this is it. 232 00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:56,591 - If I can't eat, I'm gonna die. - Horse, no! 233 00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:59,527 Well, at least maybe someone will notice if I do it this way. 234 00:11:59,527 --> 00:12:01,295 - Fucking right, mate. - Sorry about the mess. 235 00:12:01,295 --> 00:12:03,865 At least it's on the old bit of carpet, hey? 236 00:12:03,865 --> 00:12:06,100 [retches] No, I can't-- 237 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,169 [bystanders gasp] 238 00:12:08,169 --> 00:12:09,804 - Shit. - [Darren] Christ! 239 00:12:09,804 --> 00:12:11,839 - [Joy] It's not you, Avi. - You all right, mate? 240 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,511 I'd know what to do if he were drowning 241 00:12:16,511 --> 00:12:18,246 or having a heart attack. 242 00:12:18,246 --> 00:12:20,248 We didn't cover this in First Aid. 243 00:12:20,248 --> 00:12:22,784 How do you know he's not having a heart attack? 244 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:24,652 - Oh, shit! - [Joy sighs] 245 00:12:24,652 --> 00:12:27,088 - Do you think? - Oh, come on, let's get him up. 246 00:12:27,088 --> 00:12:28,656 Hey. Come on, give us a hand here. 247 00:12:28,656 --> 00:12:30,158 - [Joy] Oh, God. - Is he all right, Darren? 248 00:12:30,158 --> 00:12:32,260 I don't know. I don't know what is going on. 249 00:12:32,260 --> 00:12:35,697 Well, you wouldn't, would ya? I haven't eaten in days. 250 00:12:35,697 --> 00:12:38,733 Got no gas to make a decent cup of tea. 251 00:12:38,733 --> 00:12:41,903 And I've got no money to feed the fucking meter! 252 00:12:41,903 --> 00:12:43,638 Found it! Right. 253 00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:47,608 You have just started a revolution, mate. 254 00:12:47,608 --> 00:12:51,813 I admire people like you, people who change the world. 255 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:53,781 And you take this, right, 256 00:12:53,781 --> 00:12:56,150 you get back up there, and you finish the job. 257 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:59,821 Like the man says, you've started, so you should finish. 258 00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:02,223 - I'm-- I'm not sure now. - No, no, no, listen. 259 00:13:02,223 --> 00:13:04,859 Don't be put off by some wuss who's scared of a bit of blood. 260 00:13:04,859 --> 00:13:07,895 You are gonna go down in history. 261 00:13:07,895 --> 00:13:13,301 Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Che Guevara, Horse! 262 00:13:13,301 --> 00:13:16,704 Hey, I'm not bothered about going down in history. 263 00:13:16,704 --> 00:13:18,606 Maybe I should give the guy his knife back. 264 00:13:18,606 --> 00:13:21,875 Ah, yeah. That's one option. It's a bit disappointing. 265 00:13:23,244 --> 00:13:24,912 Option two... 266 00:13:26,147 --> 00:13:28,516 [whispers] we rob the fuckers. 267 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,218 But there's no money here, is there? 268 00:13:30,218 --> 00:13:32,086 It's a dole office, isn't it? 269 00:13:32,086 --> 00:13:33,788 Yeah, apart from the staff. 270 00:13:33,788 --> 00:13:37,025 All right, folks! Uh, this is a robbery. 271 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:38,860 So, anyone on benefits, you got two minutes 272 00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:41,529 - to fuck off out of it. - What's the matter with this-- 273 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,131 Wait-- Not-- Not-- Not-- Not you. 274 00:13:43,131 --> 00:13:45,700 - But I'm on benefits as well. - Get with the programme. 275 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,301 We're partners in crime now, right? 276 00:13:47,301 --> 00:13:50,238 Definitely not Mr Fucking Friend of the Islamic State. 277 00:13:50,238 --> 00:13:52,740 Off you go! Go on! 278 00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:55,677 - What are you doing? Go. - I'm not on benefits. 279 00:13:55,677 --> 00:13:57,745 Yeah, but you're a kid, and you've got one leg. 280 00:13:57,745 --> 00:13:58,946 - So? - So, I'm not robbing 281 00:13:58,946 --> 00:14:00,180 a hop-a-long, am I? 282 00:14:05,319 --> 00:14:06,521 Did someone call the police? 283 00:14:06,521 --> 00:14:09,957 [all clamouring] 284 00:14:09,957 --> 00:14:12,926 I wouldn't go in there if I was you. All sorts of weird. 285 00:14:14,829 --> 00:14:15,929 Sorry. 286 00:14:18,866 --> 00:14:20,000 Sorry. 287 00:14:21,168 --> 00:14:22,202 Sorry. 288 00:14:23,871 --> 00:14:25,973 [sighs] 289 00:14:25,973 --> 00:14:27,542 - Sorry. - Ah, Jesus. 290 00:14:27,542 --> 00:14:29,077 You're not very good at this, are ya? 291 00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:31,079 Sorry. 292 00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:33,781 Right, folks. Me friend here's been fired. 293 00:14:33,781 --> 00:14:35,616 I'm gonna come round again. But this time, 294 00:14:35,616 --> 00:14:37,552 we're gonna dig a bit deeper, all right? 295 00:14:37,552 --> 00:14:40,054 So, as well as all major credit cards, cash and phones, 296 00:14:40,054 --> 00:14:42,990 I will also be taking jewellery, 297 00:14:42,990 --> 00:14:45,760 recreational and prescription drugs, cigs, 298 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,995 and all house and car keys. All right? 299 00:14:47,995 --> 00:14:49,263 [bystanders groan] 300 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,733 Horse? You've been ages. Can we go? 301 00:14:51,733 --> 00:14:52,900 Um... 302 00:14:54,135 --> 00:14:56,270 Hello. Having a robbery. 303 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:57,471 Sorry, are you pregnant? 304 00:14:58,306 --> 00:15:00,708 - Yeah. - Yeah. Ten minutes of lovin'. 305 00:15:00,708 --> 00:15:03,044 [imitates pop] One in the oven. [chuckles] 306 00:15:03,044 --> 00:15:05,179 Okay, right. What you got? 307 00:15:05,179 --> 00:15:08,783 Yeah? Oh, aye, yeah. Oh, yeah, now we're talkin'. 308 00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,518 You. 309 00:15:10,518 --> 00:15:13,554 Oh. [chuckles] It's always the quiet ones, isn't it? 310 00:15:13,554 --> 00:15:15,189 What's this? This is-- Is this whizz or posh? 311 00:15:15,189 --> 00:15:17,291 - Posh. - Posh? Posh and Prozac. 312 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,127 Whoa, cocktail hour. Beautiful. 313 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:22,597 Coke! You head up our zero-tolerance drugs policy. 314 00:15:22,597 --> 00:15:24,832 I confiscated it off a client, we got rounded in, 315 00:15:24,832 --> 00:15:27,268 - and then this all kicked off. - What you got? Oh, no, no, no. 316 00:15:27,268 --> 00:15:28,836 - Not that. - [carpet fitter retches] 317 00:15:31,272 --> 00:15:32,840 A compass? 318 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,610 Well, batteries die, and gadgets malfunction. 319 00:15:35,610 --> 00:15:36,944 But you're never lost with a compass. 320 00:15:36,944 --> 00:15:38,846 - Okay. - [clatter] 321 00:15:38,846 --> 00:15:40,948 Today. 322 00:15:40,948 --> 00:15:42,083 - [clatter] - Thank you. 323 00:15:42,083 --> 00:15:44,919 Well, it's been lovely, folks, 324 00:15:44,919 --> 00:15:46,654 but I'm gonna have to skedaddle. 325 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,623 Uh, let's stay in touch. Christmas cards, et cetera. 326 00:15:48,623 --> 00:15:50,792 So, thanks for all the goodies. 327 00:15:50,792 --> 00:15:53,528 I'm just gonna say goodbye, so long, 328 00:15:53,528 --> 00:15:56,664 auf Wiedersehen, ta-ra. 329 00:16:00,301 --> 00:16:01,735 [siren wailing] 330 00:16:06,941 --> 00:16:12,513 [siren wailing] 331 00:16:14,949 --> 00:16:16,184 - Okay, give me the keys. - [manager] Hmm? 332 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:17,552 Give me the keys to the front door. 333 00:16:17,552 --> 00:16:20,121 - Here, here. - Which one is it? 334 00:16:20,121 --> 00:16:22,056 - The blue one! The blue one. - The blue one. Right. 335 00:16:22,056 --> 00:16:23,624 - Don't move. Don't move. - You hand over the keys? 336 00:16:23,624 --> 00:16:24,692 [door closes] 337 00:16:25,926 --> 00:16:28,029 [manager] You're supposed to protect us! 338 00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:30,932 You think I'm gonna get stabbed for £9.50 an hour? [chuckles] 339 00:16:30,932 --> 00:16:32,633 - [knocking] - Get fucked, Saj. 340 00:16:32,633 --> 00:16:34,235 - [officer] Police! - Right, back! You, get back. 341 00:16:34,235 --> 00:16:36,537 Get back. Back in the room. Back. You and all, back. 342 00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,139 Okay, everyone stay calm. Don't worry. 343 00:16:38,139 --> 00:16:40,508 We're gonna fuckin' come up with a plan. 344 00:16:40,508 --> 00:16:42,776 - [knocking continues] - It's the police! Open the door! 345 00:16:44,111 --> 00:16:45,145 Police! 346 00:16:49,250 --> 00:16:51,185 Pictures of 'em all over social media, Sarge. 347 00:16:54,321 --> 00:16:56,624 Oh, shit. 348 00:16:56,624 --> 00:16:59,193 - I know this one. - Might need more backup? 349 00:16:59,193 --> 00:17:00,862 No, no, no, no. He's an harmless old fellow. 350 00:17:00,862 --> 00:17:02,763 He can hardly bloody walk. 351 00:17:04,965 --> 00:17:07,034 I can talk him out of there. Come on. 352 00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,674 There goes my elevenses. 353 00:17:12,674 --> 00:17:14,676 I've never seen so many happy pills. 354 00:17:14,676 --> 00:17:16,177 You should try working here, love. 355 00:17:16,177 --> 00:17:18,146 You should try signing on here. 356 00:17:18,146 --> 00:17:21,482 [snorting] 357 00:17:21,482 --> 00:17:22,617 Can I try some? 358 00:17:22,617 --> 00:17:24,585 - Say please. - Please. 359 00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:26,220 [grunts] No, you can't. 360 00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:27,855 [amplified voice] We're police officers out here. 361 00:17:27,855 --> 00:17:29,257 We know you've got a weapon. 362 00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:31,159 We don't want this to end in tragedy. 363 00:17:31,159 --> 00:17:33,227 - [hostage] Tragedy? - Give yourselves up now. 364 00:17:33,227 --> 00:17:35,697 Okay, so, we're gonna need a plan, Horsey. 365 00:17:35,697 --> 00:17:38,266 Well, my plan is to go outside and apologise. 366 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:40,802 Yeah, I don't remember Che Guevara doing that, though. 367 00:17:40,802 --> 00:17:42,203 Come on, mate. You started this. 368 00:17:42,203 --> 00:17:43,905 I know, I know. That's why I'm going out. 369 00:17:43,905 --> 00:17:46,808 No, no, you don't. You sit down. Sit down! Okay? 370 00:17:46,808 --> 00:17:48,910 - Fine, I'll come up with a plan. - [telephone ringing] 371 00:17:48,910 --> 00:17:51,512 Uh. I just need to, um-- Uh-- 372 00:17:51,512 --> 00:17:53,181 [pants] Fuck. 373 00:17:53,181 --> 00:17:55,083 Fucking... [grunts] 374 00:17:55,083 --> 00:17:56,751 - Shut up! - [hostages exclaim] 375 00:17:56,751 --> 00:17:59,087 [imitates phone ringing] You know? Fucking hell! 376 00:17:59,087 --> 00:18:01,622 Right. So, on account of the fact 377 00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,791 that we are now surrounded by coppers, 378 00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:05,926 you lot are all hostages! 379 00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:09,463 And that is the plan. 380 00:18:11,999 --> 00:18:13,868 [news anchor] We go over live to Kate Brimmy 381 00:18:13,868 --> 00:18:15,536 for a breaking news story. 382 00:18:15,536 --> 00:18:17,238 And the main news in Yorkshire today 383 00:18:17,238 --> 00:18:19,540 is an armed siege at a Sheffield Job Hub 384 00:18:19,540 --> 00:18:21,576 where the employees have been taken hostage 385 00:18:21,576 --> 00:18:23,210 by two men wielding knives. 386 00:18:25,279 --> 00:18:26,914 [police radio chatter] 387 00:18:26,914 --> 00:18:28,983 - Nath! - Hey, hey! 388 00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:30,985 - Get back through to the line. - Tell fucking jobsworth here 389 00:18:30,985 --> 00:18:32,787 to get his hands off me! 390 00:18:32,787 --> 00:18:34,455 It's all right, it's all right. I'll deal with this. 391 00:18:35,556 --> 00:18:37,058 - Stop behaving like a pillock. - What? 392 00:18:37,058 --> 00:18:38,926 Horse is in there. 393 00:18:38,926 --> 00:18:40,762 Why do you think I'm here? It's all over the bloody web. 394 00:18:40,762 --> 00:18:42,797 I don't know what's going on, kid, but I'll sort it. 395 00:18:42,797 --> 00:18:45,600 [chuckles] Have you been smoking puff? 396 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,801 There's a bloke with a bloody knife in there, Dad. 397 00:18:48,702 --> 00:18:50,805 Look, we're trained for this. We know what we're doing. 398 00:18:50,805 --> 00:18:52,140 - Now piss off. - Yeah, great track record 399 00:18:52,140 --> 00:18:53,908 the police have got at de-escalating. 400 00:18:53,908 --> 00:18:56,778 What's the plan? Stun grenades and tear gas, is it? 401 00:18:56,778 --> 00:18:58,078 Back off, Dad. 402 00:19:00,081 --> 00:19:01,482 PC Bond. 403 00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:04,585 Get this man out of here, please. 404 00:19:04,585 --> 00:19:06,054 Call the Alsatian off. 405 00:19:06,054 --> 00:19:07,554 It's all right, Lee. It's all right. 406 00:19:08,889 --> 00:19:11,192 - Sir. - What? 407 00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:13,895 Building plan has come through. Back doors are chained, 408 00:19:13,895 --> 00:19:14,995 but there might be another way in. 409 00:19:19,066 --> 00:19:20,901 [indistinct conversations] 410 00:19:23,104 --> 00:19:24,739 - Horse! Horse! - Horse, who's that? 411 00:19:24,739 --> 00:19:26,541 Who the fuck is that? 412 00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:28,042 Oh, that's me mate, Gaz. 413 00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:29,110 Oh, is it? 414 00:19:29,110 --> 00:19:30,177 Horse! 415 00:19:31,946 --> 00:19:33,647 - Oi! - Dad? 416 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,618 [Nathan] Dad! Dad. 417 00:19:40,087 --> 00:19:42,056 [grunts] What you doing? 418 00:19:42,991 --> 00:19:46,093 Aren't people supposed to break out of sieges, not into 'em? 419 00:19:48,529 --> 00:19:50,964 Fucking "Dad"? That copper definitely said "Dad." 420 00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:54,669 Okay, are you Plain Clothes Plod, mate? 421 00:19:54,669 --> 00:19:56,170 - You what? - Are you the Dibble in disguise? 422 00:19:56,170 --> 00:19:58,072 I'm his dad for real! 423 00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:01,509 I blame meself. Too liberal a parent, you see. 424 00:20:01,509 --> 00:20:03,611 Told him you can be anything you like. 425 00:20:03,611 --> 00:20:05,713 Astronaut, footballer, whatever. 426 00:20:05,713 --> 00:20:07,749 - He chooses policeman. - You what? 427 00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:11,219 - Kids, they break your heart. - Do they? 428 00:20:11,219 --> 00:20:13,688 You broke his heart, you know! Wanker in a hat! 429 00:20:13,688 --> 00:20:17,225 - Hello, Gaz. - Darren! Yvonne. 430 00:20:17,225 --> 00:20:18,926 It's like a party. [chuckles] 431 00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:21,495 So, uh, what's going on? 432 00:20:23,130 --> 00:20:24,599 So far, the armed men 433 00:20:24,599 --> 00:20:26,667 are refusing to negotiate with the police. 434 00:20:26,667 --> 00:20:28,970 We don't know what their demands are yet. 435 00:20:28,970 --> 00:20:30,938 - But we did see earlier - [officer] Oi! Come here! 436 00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:33,007 the extraordinary sight of a member of the public 437 00:20:33,007 --> 00:20:35,176 joining the hostages inside the building. 438 00:20:35,176 --> 00:20:37,178 Our friend? Gaz? 439 00:20:37,178 --> 00:20:38,913 Correct. 440 00:20:38,913 --> 00:20:40,882 [Dave] Might have known. Bloody typical. 441 00:20:40,882 --> 00:20:42,850 But surely this begs the question: 442 00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:47,021 Is the current police presence enough to handle the situation? 443 00:20:47,021 --> 00:20:49,257 [Horse] So, it all got a bit out of hand. 444 00:20:49,257 --> 00:20:51,659 I mean, he sort of took over. 445 00:20:51,659 --> 00:20:53,728 Yeah, well, that's 'cause someone had to, didn't they? 446 00:20:53,728 --> 00:20:55,897 'Cause you bottled it, Horse. Look, the thing is, mate. 447 00:20:55,897 --> 00:20:57,732 Right. I've done a robbery now. 448 00:20:57,732 --> 00:20:59,801 I've sort of taken all of these hostages. That's, like-- 449 00:20:59,801 --> 00:21:01,903 That's, like, raised the stakes a bit. 450 00:21:01,903 --> 00:21:03,671 - You know what I mean? - [Yvonne] You could say that. 451 00:21:03,671 --> 00:21:04,939 Did I ask for your opinion, sweetheart? 452 00:21:04,939 --> 00:21:06,507 Have it for free. 453 00:21:06,507 --> 00:21:08,109 And trust me, I'm not your sweetheart. 454 00:21:08,109 --> 00:21:10,945 Wait-- Wait a minute. There's an easy answer to this one. 455 00:21:10,945 --> 00:21:12,847 Give everybody their shit back. 456 00:21:12,847 --> 00:21:14,515 Won't be a robbery, will it? 457 00:21:15,549 --> 00:21:17,485 [Joy] Oh, that's good. 458 00:21:17,485 --> 00:21:18,886 [Sajid] Mmm. 459 00:21:20,788 --> 00:21:21,922 What about the knife? 460 00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:25,226 - Anybody see a knife? - No. 461 00:21:25,226 --> 00:21:26,861 'Cause if nobody saw you with a knife, 462 00:21:26,861 --> 00:21:28,730 wouldn't be a crime, would there? 463 00:21:28,730 --> 00:21:30,264 [Miller] Mmm. 464 00:21:30,264 --> 00:21:32,600 I was just fitting the carpet. 465 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,502 Yeah, yeah, but, um... 466 00:21:34,502 --> 00:21:36,571 Moment of madness, Horse. We all have 'em. 467 00:21:36,571 --> 00:21:38,906 [stammers] And you did it to harm yourself. 468 00:21:38,906 --> 00:21:41,075 Yeah. True. That's true. Yeah. 469 00:21:41,075 --> 00:21:44,645 - Good. Are we all good? - [hostage 1] Yeah. Absolutely. 470 00:21:44,645 --> 00:21:47,181 Quickest way to get home in time for tea and Eastenders. 471 00:21:47,181 --> 00:21:48,950 And what-- what about the hostage taking? 472 00:21:48,950 --> 00:21:50,885 - What hostage taking? - Yeah, what hostage taking? 473 00:21:50,885 --> 00:21:54,435 Maybe I took my lunch break at my desk. A long lunch break. 474 00:21:54,435 --> 00:21:56,537 Maybe she did. She was here because she wanted to be... 475 00:21:56,537 --> 00:21:58,506 - Yeah. - ...as were we all. 476 00:21:58,506 --> 00:22:00,007 - Absolutely. - Yeah, and who wouldn't want 477 00:22:00,007 --> 00:22:01,642 to spend their day in our Job Hub? 478 00:22:01,642 --> 00:22:04,712 Exactly. A sentiment I can only agree with, sir. 479 00:22:04,712 --> 00:22:08,249 Now, did anyone else feel in the least bit hostage-y? 480 00:22:08,249 --> 00:22:09,350 - Not at all. - No. 481 00:22:09,350 --> 00:22:10,418 I did. 482 00:22:10,418 --> 00:22:12,120 Is it all right to kick a child? 483 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:13,421 [hostage 2] Fucking hell. 484 00:22:13,421 --> 00:22:16,390 Now, uh, the lost property bin here. 485 00:22:16,390 --> 00:22:18,960 Give it all back. 486 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:20,428 So, if I just, like, get the bin. 487 00:22:20,428 --> 00:22:22,130 And give it back. 488 00:22:22,130 --> 00:22:24,198 - Just gonna give it back. - Mmm. 489 00:22:24,198 --> 00:22:25,265 I'm giving it back. 490 00:22:29,103 --> 00:22:32,206 Nine grand's worth of engagement ring there. 491 00:22:32,206 --> 00:22:34,275 [whispers] 1.8 carats. 492 00:22:34,275 --> 00:22:37,745 - Bag of carrots, more like. - I'm sorry? 493 00:22:37,745 --> 00:22:41,749 [blows] Rounded edges, failed the fog test. 494 00:22:41,749 --> 00:22:46,320 Paste. Good paste, but, uh, give you 150 quid tops. 495 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:49,023 And what would you know about diamond jewellery? 496 00:22:49,023 --> 00:22:51,459 One of the few advantages of having an ex-burglar 497 00:22:51,459 --> 00:22:53,027 as a husband, love. 498 00:22:53,027 --> 00:22:54,962 Do you know, c-can I keep the coke? 499 00:22:56,363 --> 00:22:59,000 Yeah. Yeah. It's not like it was mine, anyway. 500 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,367 Brilliant. Love coke, me. 501 00:23:03,003 --> 00:23:04,338 Aw... 502 00:23:04,338 --> 00:23:06,307 I'm on a repeat prescription, love. 503 00:23:06,307 --> 00:23:07,608 Plenty more where they came from. 504 00:23:07,608 --> 00:23:08,709 That's magic. 505 00:23:09,977 --> 00:23:11,411 Grand. We're out of here! 506 00:23:16,784 --> 00:23:17,951 Sarge. 507 00:23:25,593 --> 00:23:26,660 He's bloody done it. 508 00:23:29,230 --> 00:23:30,264 All good here. 509 00:23:33,067 --> 00:23:35,602 [siren wailing] 510 00:23:40,975 --> 00:23:43,277 Back in! Back in! Back in. Back in. 511 00:23:43,277 --> 00:23:46,314 - Fuck. - Get back. 512 00:23:46,314 --> 00:23:48,382 [amplified voice] You're surrounded by armed officers. 513 00:23:48,382 --> 00:23:50,551 - Come out with your hands up. - [door closes] 514 00:23:51,652 --> 00:23:53,654 Fuck off! 515 00:23:53,654 --> 00:23:55,889 [Nathan] For God's sake, they were coming out! 516 00:23:57,124 --> 00:23:58,158 Cheers, pal. 517 00:24:00,094 --> 00:24:02,663 Okay, what now, brainiac? I don't fancy getting shot. 518 00:24:02,663 --> 00:24:04,598 - [breathing heavily] - Easy, mate. 519 00:24:06,100 --> 00:24:09,537 I'm sorry, Gaz. Haven't eaten in days. 520 00:24:09,537 --> 00:24:13,307 - All right. - Ooh, now that you mention it, 521 00:24:13,307 --> 00:24:15,276 this morning's muesli seems a long time ago. 522 00:24:15,276 --> 00:24:17,145 And I threw up me breakfast. 523 00:24:17,145 --> 00:24:19,147 [Avi] Yeah, I'm pretty hungry, actually. I-- I would eat. 524 00:24:19,147 --> 00:24:20,648 - Yeah. I would eat. - [hostages clamouring] 525 00:24:20,648 --> 00:24:24,318 All right, all right. I'll order a takeaway! 526 00:24:24,318 --> 00:24:25,953 I'm opening negotiations. 527 00:24:26,788 --> 00:24:29,123 [Avi] And could you get us a cake? 528 00:24:29,123 --> 00:24:31,993 Nathan, kid, we'll talk about those fuckers with guns 529 00:24:31,993 --> 00:24:35,562 in a minute, but right now, do you have a pen handy? 530 00:24:38,732 --> 00:24:40,601 Pineapple on a pizza. 531 00:24:40,601 --> 00:24:43,504 Try asking for that in Sicily. See what you get. 532 00:24:43,504 --> 00:24:46,340 Concrete wellies, that's what. 533 00:24:46,340 --> 00:24:48,209 You're not taking them in yourself, Lomper, 534 00:24:48,209 --> 00:24:51,145 - and that's final. - I am. They're my friends. 535 00:24:51,145 --> 00:24:53,080 I know how these things end. 536 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,249 I'll be walking behind a horse-drawn hearse 537 00:24:55,249 --> 00:24:56,751 in widow's garb. 538 00:24:56,751 --> 00:24:58,986 You'd get me a horse-drawn carriage? 539 00:24:58,986 --> 00:25:01,322 - Certainly. - Thanks, love. 540 00:25:01,322 --> 00:25:03,391 [Dennis] And the catering will be magnificent. 541 00:25:03,391 --> 00:25:04,926 I'm not dead yet. 542 00:25:04,926 --> 00:25:07,595 Well, it never hurts to plan ahead. 543 00:25:07,595 --> 00:25:10,431 Oh! Now, if they think they can demand gluten-free bread 544 00:25:10,431 --> 00:25:12,500 at such short notice, they've another thought coming. 545 00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:14,935 A touch of IBS is the least of their worries. 546 00:25:23,611 --> 00:25:26,214 Hey, since when did you bloody smoke? 547 00:25:26,214 --> 00:25:27,682 Since I was about to get gunned down 548 00:25:27,682 --> 00:25:29,584 in a hail of bullets, that's when. 549 00:25:29,584 --> 00:25:31,385 Customer left them. 550 00:25:31,385 --> 00:25:33,421 Oh, my legs are like jelly. 551 00:25:33,421 --> 00:25:34,689 I told you not to come. 552 00:25:34,689 --> 00:25:36,724 There's a principle at stake. 553 00:25:36,724 --> 00:25:40,728 I have a duty to the man I love. Even if it kills me. 554 00:25:40,728 --> 00:25:42,230 You've got a duty, all right. 555 00:25:42,230 --> 00:25:43,965 This is the last of the lemon drizzle. 556 00:25:43,965 --> 00:25:46,334 You have a duty to go back and bake another one. 557 00:25:46,334 --> 00:25:48,302 'Cause when we're finished here, 558 00:25:48,302 --> 00:25:49,971 I'm gonna eat the whole bloody thing. 559 00:25:49,971 --> 00:25:52,206 - Now, come on. - What? A-Are you coming with me? 560 00:25:52,206 --> 00:25:55,209 Well, you can't carry all this on your tod, can ya? 561 00:25:55,209 --> 00:25:56,543 Let's go. 562 00:25:59,580 --> 00:26:03,518 If owt bad happens, look after the pigeons. 563 00:26:03,518 --> 00:26:05,586 If you let anything bad happen, 564 00:26:05,586 --> 00:26:07,488 your pigeons are going on the bloody menu 565 00:26:07,488 --> 00:26:09,923 with a redcurrant and beetroot sauce. 566 00:26:11,292 --> 00:26:12,326 I love you. 567 00:26:19,266 --> 00:26:21,068 Right, so leave the food at the door, 568 00:26:21,068 --> 00:26:22,470 ascertain the state of the hostages, 569 00:26:22,470 --> 00:26:24,205 and walk slowly back here. 570 00:26:24,205 --> 00:26:26,007 - Are we clear? - [both] Clear. 571 00:26:26,007 --> 00:26:27,475 Right. On you go. Go on. 572 00:26:27,475 --> 00:26:29,010 [sighs] 573 00:26:29,010 --> 00:26:31,746 [amplified voice] 574 00:26:31,746 --> 00:26:34,248 The food is coming in. 575 00:26:35,549 --> 00:26:37,018 Hand it over. 576 00:26:37,018 --> 00:26:39,053 Hang on a minute. How you doing, Horse? 577 00:26:39,053 --> 00:26:43,224 Been better, to be honest, lads. Not feeling all that great. 578 00:26:43,224 --> 00:26:45,426 - Shift, you. Go on. Shift. - [Miller] Hey! Watch my foot. 579 00:26:45,426 --> 00:26:46,960 - [Dave] Comin' in. - Hey! 580 00:26:48,329 --> 00:26:49,997 [locks door] 581 00:26:49,997 --> 00:26:51,965 What is wrong with them all? 582 00:26:54,401 --> 00:26:56,671 [cheering] 583 00:26:56,671 --> 00:26:58,339 Whoa! Whoa, whoa! 584 00:26:58,339 --> 00:27:00,241 You can't bring food into this area, really. 585 00:27:00,241 --> 00:27:02,176 Oh! You're welcome to watch, Saj. 586 00:27:02,176 --> 00:27:03,945 Very popular siege, this, isn't it? 587 00:27:03,945 --> 00:27:05,246 You sure they're not coppers? 588 00:27:05,246 --> 00:27:07,949 I definitely recognise him. And him. 589 00:27:07,949 --> 00:27:10,051 And him, too. 590 00:27:10,051 --> 00:27:11,919 I know you lot from somewhere. 591 00:27:11,919 --> 00:27:15,957 I just can't fucking-- It's doing me fucking head in. 592 00:27:15,957 --> 00:27:19,327 Pineapple on pizza. Marvellous. Mmm. 593 00:27:19,327 --> 00:27:22,563 That were you? For God's sake, don't tell Dennis, 594 00:27:22,563 --> 00:27:24,632 he'll send armed coppers in himself. 595 00:27:24,632 --> 00:27:27,301 - Is this gluten-free? - No. 596 00:27:27,301 --> 00:27:29,336 [sniffs] 597 00:27:31,605 --> 00:27:33,174 What are you doing here? 598 00:27:33,174 --> 00:27:35,042 I'm just Deliveroo, me. 599 00:27:35,042 --> 00:27:37,411 I'd like to hear your excuse, though. 600 00:27:37,411 --> 00:27:39,280 Thought Horse was in trouble. 601 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:41,348 Oh. And it's Gaz to the rescue, again, is it? 602 00:27:42,449 --> 00:27:43,617 How's that working out for you? 603 00:27:45,352 --> 00:27:47,088 Lemon drizzle, anybody? 604 00:27:47,088 --> 00:27:49,157 Oh, aye. Fucking hell yes, mate. That's mine. 605 00:27:49,157 --> 00:27:50,291 Here, you have that one. 606 00:27:50,291 --> 00:27:51,658 Lemon drizzle's gone. 607 00:27:53,260 --> 00:27:55,096 Fucking love lemon drizzle. 608 00:27:55,096 --> 00:27:56,196 [chews, moans] 609 00:27:57,498 --> 00:28:00,067 [Miller, mouth full] You know what? I've not had this 610 00:28:00,067 --> 00:28:02,369 since me uncle Mike was released from prison for arson. 611 00:28:03,637 --> 00:28:05,173 [moans, chews] 612 00:28:05,173 --> 00:28:06,574 [Dave] Okay. Uh, this one is pepperoni. 613 00:28:06,574 --> 00:28:08,342 [Nathan] It's Miller. He's got demands. 614 00:28:08,342 --> 00:28:10,511 He wants a fully fuelled Ford Focus RS2. 615 00:28:10,511 --> 00:28:11,578 Ah. Good choice. 616 00:28:12,379 --> 00:28:15,716 Safe passage to Newark-- Sorry, New York. 617 00:28:15,716 --> 00:28:17,285 In a Ford Focus? 618 00:28:17,285 --> 00:28:20,354 Coke, antidepressants... 619 00:28:22,189 --> 00:28:23,590 ...and more pizza with pineapple. 620 00:28:24,959 --> 00:28:26,527 It's gonna be a long day. 621 00:28:28,128 --> 00:28:31,466 [Dave] That lemon drizzle cake certainly shut him up. 622 00:28:31,466 --> 00:28:36,370 Hey. Guy never told us you were eating for two. Good for you. 623 00:28:36,370 --> 00:28:39,006 Yeah, congrats. 624 00:28:39,006 --> 00:28:43,044 What, three days in Budapest, and Guy never mentioned it once? 625 00:28:43,044 --> 00:28:45,480 - Budapest? - Guy's stag do. 626 00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:47,315 Stag do? You're getting wed? 627 00:28:47,315 --> 00:28:49,517 [Yvonne] What? Of course. What-- 628 00:28:49,517 --> 00:28:52,954 - You've RSVP'd, for starters. - Have I? 629 00:28:52,954 --> 00:28:55,322 Said you can't come 'cause you and Jean are off to Crete. 630 00:28:57,458 --> 00:29:00,294 - Still waiting for your reply. - [stammers] 631 00:29:00,294 --> 00:29:02,663 Darren, you work with him. He must have told you. 632 00:29:04,098 --> 00:29:07,135 - In-- In Budapest? - No. You didn't go. 633 00:29:07,135 --> 00:29:10,171 [inhales deeply] Let everybody down at the last minute. 634 00:29:10,171 --> 00:29:13,641 And you never put your hand in your pocket all weekend. 635 00:29:13,641 --> 00:29:15,543 Well, now, that's nice, I must say. 636 00:29:15,543 --> 00:29:19,647 Refused to go in the spa because it was 67 quid a session. 637 00:29:19,647 --> 00:29:21,582 [stammers] It does sound a lot. 638 00:29:21,582 --> 00:29:25,920 And the things you got up to with that barmaid in the hotel. 639 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:28,155 I'm surprised you're still on the guest list. [chuckles] 640 00:29:30,357 --> 00:29:33,694 - When did we go again? - Two weekends ago! 641 00:29:33,694 --> 00:29:36,197 - Surprised I could afford it. - No. You couldn't. 642 00:29:36,197 --> 00:29:38,566 Guy paid for your ticket, and Gaz hijacked one 643 00:29:38,566 --> 00:29:41,469 of those golf buggies to get you through the airport. [chuckles] 644 00:29:41,469 --> 00:29:43,504 - Cheers, Gaz. - You're welcome. 645 00:29:45,539 --> 00:29:46,573 Yvonne, love. 646 00:29:48,142 --> 00:29:49,343 We, uh... 647 00:29:51,512 --> 00:29:52,547 [Dave clears throat] 648 00:29:52,547 --> 00:29:54,047 You didn't go? 649 00:29:55,115 --> 00:29:58,085 Budapest. What? N-None of you? 650 00:30:00,955 --> 00:30:03,024 You really didn't eat that 32-ounce steak 651 00:30:03,024 --> 00:30:04,458 that got everyone free drinks? 652 00:30:05,359 --> 00:30:09,029 I would definitely have remembered that. Sorry. 653 00:30:10,731 --> 00:30:14,435 He sent me texts about what you were all getting up to. 654 00:30:14,435 --> 00:30:18,205 Came back utterly shagged out from your antics. Oh, my God. 655 00:30:20,174 --> 00:30:21,642 Sounds like a great weekend. 656 00:30:21,642 --> 00:30:22,943 Real bender. 657 00:30:24,545 --> 00:30:26,079 Can't believe I didn't go. 658 00:30:27,481 --> 00:30:29,550 Guy's a compulsive liar, isn't he? 659 00:30:31,118 --> 00:30:33,721 I knew he massaged the truth a bit, 660 00:30:33,721 --> 00:30:37,191 but this is industrial scale. 661 00:30:39,593 --> 00:30:41,295 I'm supposed to be marrying him. 662 00:30:43,397 --> 00:30:45,099 Perhaps he's having some sort of breakdown. 663 00:30:45,099 --> 00:30:48,970 It's a highly pressurised environment at Excello-- 664 00:30:48,970 --> 00:30:50,671 Don't stick up for him! You didn't even get an invite 665 00:30:50,671 --> 00:30:52,306 to his imaginary stag do! 666 00:30:53,207 --> 00:30:55,276 M-Maybe you two can have a little chat 667 00:30:55,276 --> 00:30:56,444 once we're out of here, eh? 668 00:30:56,444 --> 00:30:58,412 It'll be more than a chat. 669 00:31:00,714 --> 00:31:02,383 Hey, where are you going? 670 00:31:02,383 --> 00:31:05,519 Toilet! Just try and stop me. 671 00:31:14,995 --> 00:31:18,699 [indistinct conversations in background] 672 00:31:18,699 --> 00:31:23,404 Right, ladies and gents, now we've all had a bite to eat, 673 00:31:23,404 --> 00:31:27,742 may I suggest we draw this happy gathering to a close? 674 00:31:27,742 --> 00:31:29,076 What do you say? 675 00:31:30,411 --> 00:31:32,346 Shall we all move towards the exit 676 00:31:32,346 --> 00:31:34,081 in a quiet and orderly manner? 677 00:31:34,081 --> 00:31:36,384 Oi! Oi! Whose siege is this? 678 00:31:36,384 --> 00:31:39,554 No, no, no, no, mate. I-I-I don't wanna tread on your toes, 679 00:31:39,554 --> 00:31:43,024 but you see, we've all had enough now. 680 00:31:43,024 --> 00:31:46,327 So, why don't you just give us the keys? 681 00:31:46,327 --> 00:31:48,162 Back off, mate. 682 00:31:48,162 --> 00:31:50,698 All good sieges have to come to an end sometime, mate. 683 00:31:50,698 --> 00:31:52,233 - Don't come at me. - Give us the keys. 684 00:31:52,233 --> 00:31:53,734 Don't come at me. Don't-- Don't come at me. 685 00:31:53,734 --> 00:31:55,703 - Give us the keys. - Don't fucking come at me! 686 00:31:55,703 --> 00:31:57,405 [Gaz shouts] Fuck! 687 00:31:57,405 --> 00:31:59,273 Look, I don't like it when people come at me! 688 00:31:59,273 --> 00:32:00,741 - [groans] - [Joy] Is he all right? 689 00:32:00,741 --> 00:32:02,477 [Dave] Get him sat down. Hurry up. Here we go. 690 00:32:02,477 --> 00:32:03,978 Oh, shit. 691 00:32:03,978 --> 00:32:06,113 I said, didn't I? I said don't come at me. 692 00:32:06,113 --> 00:32:09,450 [hostage] Help him. Go on. Help him. He needs help. 693 00:32:09,450 --> 00:32:11,486 Press against the wound. Right. Harder, that's it. 694 00:32:11,486 --> 00:32:13,087 Keep your arm elevated. Come on. 695 00:32:13,087 --> 00:32:14,322 - Shit! - First aid kit! 696 00:32:14,322 --> 00:32:16,491 Yeah. Now, where was it? 697 00:32:16,491 --> 00:32:18,993 Dave-- Dave, I'm bleeding. 698 00:32:18,993 --> 00:32:20,495 Yeah, press hard against it. Press hard. 699 00:32:20,495 --> 00:32:22,330 - Cool. - [groans] 700 00:32:22,330 --> 00:32:24,132 Get back in your box, you, or I'll clock you. 701 00:32:24,132 --> 00:32:27,502 Oh, Dave. Feeling a bit weird now, Dave. 702 00:32:27,502 --> 00:32:29,537 Is it bad? [groans] 703 00:32:29,537 --> 00:32:33,141 It's not fatal. You'll live to piss us all off another day. 704 00:32:33,141 --> 00:32:35,443 - You sure? [panting] - If it's the last thing I do, 705 00:32:35,443 --> 00:32:37,011 my friend. 706 00:32:37,011 --> 00:32:38,979 [indistinct chattering] 707 00:32:40,147 --> 00:32:41,983 [Yvonne groans] 708 00:32:41,983 --> 00:32:44,385 - [breathes deeply] - Are you all right, love? 709 00:32:44,385 --> 00:32:46,453 Yeah, fine. I just need to sit down. 710 00:32:47,955 --> 00:32:50,158 I'm-- I'm fine. 711 00:32:50,158 --> 00:32:51,993 [Dave] I'll get you some water. 712 00:32:51,993 --> 00:32:54,929 Fuck! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! I've got it! 713 00:32:54,929 --> 00:32:57,732 Uh, it's you, you, you and you! 714 00:32:57,732 --> 00:33:00,368 Uh, fucking men in uniform! 715 00:33:00,368 --> 00:33:02,203 Security guards' uniforms! 716 00:33:02,203 --> 00:33:04,505 In that Working Man's Club. About a billion years ago. 717 00:33:04,505 --> 00:33:06,107 Oh. 718 00:33:06,107 --> 00:33:07,508 - Strippers! - [Lomper] What? 719 00:33:07,508 --> 00:33:11,679 You were! Strippers! Fucking yes! 720 00:33:11,679 --> 00:33:13,481 They were, like, really bad strippers, but, like, 721 00:33:13,481 --> 00:33:15,983 really good and all. They went all the way. They did! 722 00:33:15,983 --> 00:33:17,485 I've seen your penis, haven't I? 723 00:33:17,485 --> 00:33:20,221 How did you see? It was supposed to be women only. 724 00:33:20,221 --> 00:33:23,524 Snuck in the back with Bodger, didn't I? Fucking strippers. 725 00:33:23,524 --> 00:33:26,994 I knew it. I told you. Never forget a face. 726 00:33:26,994 --> 00:33:30,031 - Are you still doing it? - What do you think? 727 00:33:30,031 --> 00:33:31,699 [Yvonne] Oh, no, no, no. This doesn't feel right. 728 00:33:31,699 --> 00:33:33,634 It can't come now. It would be too early. 729 00:33:33,634 --> 00:33:35,570 There you go. There you go. We need to get you out of here. 730 00:33:35,570 --> 00:33:37,171 - Come on, lads. - Hey, hey! Do the dance. 731 00:33:37,171 --> 00:33:39,307 For them. Go on, do the dance. 732 00:33:39,307 --> 00:33:41,375 Can barely walk, mate. 733 00:33:41,375 --> 00:33:43,144 Oh, come on. Since you're all here. 734 00:33:43,144 --> 00:33:44,579 We're a couple short, actually. 735 00:33:44,579 --> 00:33:46,347 It was 25 years ago, 736 00:33:46,347 --> 00:33:48,316 and you've just tried to fucking kill me. So, no-- 737 00:33:48,316 --> 00:33:50,118 - Do you know what? - [Joy] Oh, Christ! 738 00:33:50,118 --> 00:33:55,189 That everyone is forgetting whose gig this is. 739 00:33:55,189 --> 00:33:57,425 - Now, I asked you nicely. - [Yvonne groans] 740 00:33:57,425 --> 00:34:01,228 So, do the fucking dance. 741 00:34:05,499 --> 00:34:09,937 Well, maybe we can remember the fundamentals, right? 742 00:34:09,937 --> 00:34:12,340 You what? You on the Charlie as well? 743 00:34:12,340 --> 00:34:15,343 Oh. Liven things up. Cheer folk up a bit. 744 00:34:15,343 --> 00:34:17,278 Yeah, that's right. The fucking big guy's 745 00:34:17,278 --> 00:34:18,446 got the right idea. Now, fucking do it. 746 00:34:18,446 --> 00:34:21,015 Right. Clear some space. Come on. 747 00:34:21,015 --> 00:34:23,084 Is this more, uh, imaginary stuff? 748 00:34:23,084 --> 00:34:24,519 You know, like Yvonne's stag do? 749 00:34:24,519 --> 00:34:28,022 Yes. Yvonne. Exactly. Listen. Lads, lads. 750 00:34:28,022 --> 00:34:30,024 - Cover your eyes, kid. - We've got a pregnant woman 751 00:34:30,024 --> 00:34:31,692 in trouble here. I'm not having her losing the baby 752 00:34:31,692 --> 00:34:34,228 because of that dickhead. Right, I'm gonna need 753 00:34:34,228 --> 00:34:36,631 - your high vis and your hat. - [Miller groans] 754 00:34:36,631 --> 00:34:38,032 Come on. Get in a line, lads. 755 00:34:38,032 --> 00:34:40,234 Fucking knew it. Fucking knew it. 756 00:34:40,234 --> 00:34:42,436 - Should I join in? - Why not? 757 00:34:42,436 --> 00:34:44,338 Can't be any worse than what we're about to do. 758 00:34:44,338 --> 00:34:45,740 How long is it since we... 759 00:34:45,740 --> 00:34:47,275 - [Dave] Right. - Haven't a clue. 760 00:34:47,275 --> 00:34:49,377 - [groans] - Right. Come on then, lads. 761 00:34:49,377 --> 00:34:52,480 [sniffles] Let's have it then. Like it was. Come on. 762 00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:55,750 [all humming "You Can Leave Your Hat On"] 763 00:34:55,750 --> 00:34:57,318 Wait, wait. Wait a minute, wait a minute. 764 00:34:57,318 --> 00:34:59,120 - The music on the phone. - [Dave] Aye. 765 00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:01,289 No need to get any fucking ideas, mate. 766 00:35:01,289 --> 00:35:03,090 ["You Can Leave Your Hat On" playing on phone] 767 00:35:03,090 --> 00:35:05,293 Oh, yeah! This is what they played. 768 00:35:05,293 --> 00:35:07,094 This is it, right? Gonna be good. 769 00:35:07,094 --> 00:35:08,929 I'm telling you. I've seen it. 770 00:35:17,171 --> 00:35:19,106 I just remember it being a bit better than this. 771 00:35:19,106 --> 00:35:21,242 Hey! Have I to put it through the speaker? 772 00:35:21,242 --> 00:35:24,212 Yeah, 'cause this is dog shit. It's gonna be all right, this. 773 00:35:24,212 --> 00:35:26,581 They're dead good, I promise ya. Honestly, it's better than this. 774 00:35:26,581 --> 00:35:28,382 You just warmed up, right? You just warmed up. 775 00:35:28,382 --> 00:35:32,053 ["You Can Leave Your Hat On" playing on speakers] 776 00:35:32,053 --> 00:35:34,989 Fucking yes, come on! Here we go! 777 00:35:34,989 --> 00:35:36,090 Dance! 778 00:35:41,996 --> 00:35:44,364 [Miller] Better. Yes, lads! 779 00:35:50,304 --> 00:35:51,639 Yeah, take it off. 780 00:35:51,639 --> 00:35:55,076 Baby, take off your coat ♪ 781 00:35:55,076 --> 00:35:56,644 Go on, lads. 782 00:35:56,644 --> 00:35:59,247 Real slow ♪ 783 00:35:59,247 --> 00:36:03,017 Go on. Spin it! Oh, yes. Go on. Fucking hell. Go on. 784 00:36:03,017 --> 00:36:05,452 - Shoes, shoes! - That's it. Come on. Yes! 785 00:36:07,955 --> 00:36:12,293 ♪ I'll help you take off your shoes ♪ 786 00:36:12,293 --> 00:36:14,395 [groans] Oh! Yes! Fuck! Do you know what I mean? 787 00:36:14,395 --> 00:36:16,463 Belt! Belt! Belt! 788 00:36:18,432 --> 00:36:20,434 [Miller] Yeah, go on now! Sexy walk! 789 00:36:20,434 --> 00:36:23,037 Yes, yes, yes ♪ 790 00:36:23,037 --> 00:36:24,372 It's like 3D! 791 00:36:24,372 --> 00:36:26,674 You can leave your hat on ♪ 792 00:36:26,674 --> 00:36:30,178 Oh, yeah! Go on! Show us your pits! 793 00:36:30,178 --> 00:36:35,183 You can leave your hat on ♪ 794 00:36:35,183 --> 00:36:36,250 [grunts] Whoa! 795 00:36:36,250 --> 00:36:38,519 Get off me! Ow! Ow! 796 00:36:38,519 --> 00:36:40,488 - Ow! - Keys! 797 00:36:40,488 --> 00:36:42,190 - Right! - Move along now. 798 00:36:42,190 --> 00:36:43,691 - [gasps] Thank you. - [officer] Go, go, go! 799 00:36:43,691 --> 00:36:46,594 I-- I can't breathe. 800 00:36:46,594 --> 00:36:48,930 - [gasps] - Horse! You all right, mate? 801 00:36:48,930 --> 00:36:50,598 Police! Nobody move! Nobody move! 802 00:36:50,598 --> 00:36:52,166 Stay down! Stay down! Do not move! 803 00:36:52,166 --> 00:36:54,101 Armed police. Do not move! 804 00:36:54,101 --> 00:36:55,570 Yeah ♪ 805 00:36:55,570 --> 00:36:57,371 [music ends] 806 00:36:59,507 --> 00:37:02,476 ♪ You never catch me wasting the morning ♪ 807 00:37:03,311 --> 00:37:06,480 ♪ I got a lot of time to take these days ♪ 808 00:37:08,015 --> 00:37:11,486 ♪ What have you got that I am missing? ♪ 809 00:37:11,486 --> 00:37:14,455 ♪ I guess you're missing the point I'm trying to make ♪ 810 00:37:16,457 --> 00:37:20,060 [vocalising] 811 00:37:34,308 --> 00:37:36,410 ♪ Here they come ♪ 812 00:37:36,410 --> 00:37:38,012 Watch them roll ♪ 813 00:37:38,012 --> 00:37:40,281 ♪ City lights ♪ 814 00:37:40,281 --> 00:37:42,283 Shining gold ♪ 815 00:37:42,283 --> 00:37:48,288 ♪ Seven hills and a million souls ♪