1 00:00:00,950 --> 00:00:02,086 [Lex] My fellow Legion members, 2 00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:04,388 what we have in this briefcase 3 00:00:04,388 --> 00:00:08,092 has the power to change the universe as we know it. 4 00:00:08,092 --> 00:00:10,094 [Bane] Ooh, ooh, ooh! 5 00:00:10,094 --> 00:00:12,762 Is it a thing that takes all the little crumbs at the bottom of a chip bag 6 00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:15,899 and reforms them into full-sized chips again? 7 00:00:15,899 --> 00:00:19,103 You think we'd call an all-hands-on-deck meeting for that? 8 00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:20,804 I would hope so. 9 00:00:20,804 --> 00:00:22,306 Behold... 10 00:00:22,306 --> 00:00:24,508 the Anti-Life Equation. 11 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,310 [all gasping] 12 00:00:26,310 --> 00:00:27,844 - [growls] - [Bane] Shiny golden light. 13 00:00:27,844 --> 00:00:30,714 If I can figure out how to harness its power, 14 00:00:30,714 --> 00:00:32,316 I can kill Superman. 15 00:00:32,316 --> 00:00:34,251 - [all sighing] - [The Riddler] Ah, here we go again. 16 00:00:34,251 --> 00:00:36,920 Lex, it's not happening. You're like watching 17 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:38,989 - a chihuahua try to fuck a couch. - [cackles] 18 00:00:38,989 --> 00:00:40,490 It's not anything like that. 19 00:00:40,490 --> 00:00:43,060 With this, I will destroy Superman. 20 00:00:43,060 --> 00:00:45,362 News flash, it's Legion property, 21 00:00:45,362 --> 00:00:47,331 so you need an approval. 22 00:00:47,331 --> 00:00:48,932 [Black Manta] I vote we use it to kill Aquaman. 23 00:00:48,932 --> 00:00:51,568 I vote that we use it to kill Wonder Woman. 24 00:00:51,568 --> 00:00:53,703 [Bane] I hate to go back to the chip thing, 25 00:00:53,703 --> 00:00:55,805 but have you ever tried dipping those little bit-- 26 00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:57,874 - No one gives a fuck about your chip thing. - [Bane whimpers] 27 00:00:57,874 --> 00:01:00,044 The Justice League is going to be coming for this. 28 00:01:00,044 --> 00:01:03,347 So let's hide it in the impenetrable vault until we can agree on a use. 29 00:01:03,347 --> 00:01:07,551 I want round-the-clock patrols of the building by every flying LOD member. 30 00:01:07,551 --> 00:01:10,988 - Where are our flying members? - [Bane] Uh, missing. 31 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:14,458 {\an8}They were all invited to a "Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch" 32 00:01:14,458 --> 00:01:16,426 {\an8}and have not been seen since. 33 00:01:16,426 --> 00:01:19,496 A "Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch"? Damn it. 34 00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,631 This was probably a ruse by Superman 35 00:01:21,631 --> 00:01:23,300 - to remove our overhead surveillance. - [all groaning] 36 00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,269 We need eyes in the air ASAP. 37 00:01:25,269 --> 00:01:27,237 [Black Manta] Who do we know that flies? 38 00:01:27,237 --> 00:01:28,872 [rock music plays] 39 00:01:28,872 --> 00:01:30,374 [man] ♪ Hell, yeah ♪ 40 00:01:31,307 --> 00:01:33,910 Oh, shit, shit, shit. Fuck me. 41 00:01:33,910 --> 00:01:35,512 - [grunting] - [coins jingling] 42 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:36,947 - [Kite Man groaning] - [Spoiler grunting] 43 00:01:36,947 --> 00:01:40,084 Can we just put the money back and be coolio? 44 00:01:40,084 --> 00:01:41,551 - [grunts] Ooh! - [cell phone ringing] 45 00:01:41,551 --> 00:01:43,553 The Riddler's planted a bomb downtown. 46 00:01:43,553 --> 00:01:46,923 [Spoiler] Ugh! I'm stopping Kite Man and his goons from robbing a bank. 47 00:01:46,923 --> 00:01:48,592 {\an8}Who's Kite Man again? 48 00:01:48,592 --> 00:01:50,260 [chuckles] Hey, you know me. I got a kite, 49 00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:52,997 say, "Hell, yeah," do a solid Borat impression. 50 00:01:52,997 --> 00:01:53,930 [imitates Borat] "Ah, my wife--" 51 00:01:53,930 --> 00:01:55,132 [grunts] Ow! 52 00:01:55,132 --> 00:01:56,666 Leave him to the cops. 53 00:01:58,068 --> 00:02:00,004 - [grunts] Ooh. - [coins jingle] 54 00:02:00,004 --> 00:02:01,438 All righty. 55 00:02:01,438 --> 00:02:04,374 So, uh, anybody wanna grab a brewski on me? 56 00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:10,847 Oh, this would have gone way better if Golden Glider was here. 57 00:02:10,847 --> 00:02:13,350 Today is not my day. 58 00:02:14,684 --> 00:02:16,954 [man] Golden Glider, today is your day. 59 00:02:16,954 --> 00:02:18,422 [gasps] It is? 60 00:02:18,422 --> 00:02:20,490 [man] Stacy has the shits. You're skating the lead. 61 00:02:20,490 --> 00:02:24,228 [gasps] Gauntlet Gloria, today really is my day. 62 00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:27,097 Okay, I'm opening with my signature move, 63 00:02:27,097 --> 00:02:32,302 a pirouette into a triple axel, aka the Golden Sparkler-- 64 00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:34,571 Don't you mean the Golden Shower? 65 00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:35,739 [coughing] 66 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:38,308 Everyone, shut up! The star has arrived. 67 00:02:38,308 --> 00:02:40,978 But you're sick. What if you shit on the ice? 68 00:02:40,978 --> 00:02:43,047 - What if the whole audience shits... - [Golden Glider groans] 69 00:02:43,047 --> 00:02:46,450 - ...when they see you skate, Olden Glider? - [skaters laughing] 70 00:02:46,450 --> 00:02:48,213 - Right? Don't trip. - [Golden Glider grunts] 71 00:02:48,213 --> 00:02:50,054 [Stacy laughing] Awesome. 72 00:02:50,054 --> 00:02:51,721 - [triumphant music playing] - [audience cheering] 73 00:02:54,457 --> 00:02:56,760 Go get 'em, babe. Break legs. 74 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,429 See you at the bar. Drinks on me. 75 00:03:00,230 --> 00:03:01,365 [audience whoops] 76 00:03:01,365 --> 00:03:03,968 She stole my Golden Shower! 77 00:03:03,968 --> 00:03:05,970 [gasps] Sprinklers! Ugh, shit! 78 00:03:07,103 --> 00:03:08,638 {\an8}That's it. 79 00:03:08,638 --> 00:03:10,907 - [grunting] - [Stacy yelps] 80 00:03:10,907 --> 00:03:12,509 [groaning] 81 00:03:13,376 --> 00:03:14,239 [audience exclaiming] 82 00:03:14,239 --> 00:03:15,912 [Stacy grunting] 83 00:03:17,446 --> 00:03:20,850 [skaters grunting] 84 00:03:22,585 --> 00:03:24,521 - Eat ice! - [Stacy grunting] 85 00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:26,523 [screams] 86 00:03:27,157 --> 00:03:28,625 [music fades] 87 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,694 - [audience booing] - Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm fired. 88 00:03:30,694 --> 00:03:32,257 I'll see myself out. [chuckles] 89 00:03:32,257 --> 00:03:34,364 This show sucks anyway. 90 00:03:34,364 --> 00:03:36,500 [scoffs] Stupid no talent. 91 00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,835 Calling me psycho? You're psycho! 92 00:03:38,835 --> 00:03:40,904 [jazz music playing] 93 00:03:52,348 --> 00:03:55,752 Babe, what happened to you? 94 00:03:55,752 --> 00:03:57,521 [sighs] Oh, you know matinees. 95 00:03:57,521 --> 00:03:59,189 [chuckles] How'd it go down at the bank? 96 00:03:59,189 --> 00:04:02,059 Well, the good news is we all came back in one piece. 97 00:04:02,059 --> 00:04:03,460 Oh, I beg to differ. 98 00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:05,129 Except Steve. 99 00:04:05,129 --> 00:04:06,530 He's bleeding out. Hey, Noonan, can you sew him up? 100 00:04:06,530 --> 00:04:09,066 Got three guys ahead of him. 101 00:04:09,066 --> 00:04:11,901 Truth is, babe, a teen girl kicked the crap out of us. 102 00:04:11,901 --> 00:04:13,971 [scoffs] Oh, this freaking generation. 103 00:04:13,971 --> 00:04:16,706 Yeah, I think the problem is we were inside a bank, 104 00:04:16,706 --> 00:04:19,009 and I can't use my superpowers inside. 105 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:21,611 A kite's not a superpower. 106 00:04:21,611 --> 00:04:25,415 Kids have kites, and I could kick the shit out of most kids. 107 00:04:25,415 --> 00:04:28,752 - And Kite Man could kick the shit out of all kids. - Thanks, babe. 108 00:04:28,752 --> 00:04:31,721 You don't need superpowers to be a supervillain. [giggles] 109 00:04:31,721 --> 00:04:33,557 All's I know is, when I was a kid, 110 00:04:33,557 --> 00:04:36,893 I'd sit in my room and I'd dream about being a supervillain. 111 00:04:36,893 --> 00:04:38,828 My mom would knock on the door and say, 112 00:04:38,828 --> 00:04:40,430 "Chuck, what are you doing in there?" 113 00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:42,666 And I'd say, "Not masturbating." 114 00:04:42,666 --> 00:04:46,270 And she'd say, "That feels like something a masturbator would say while masturbating." 115 00:04:46,270 --> 00:04:49,073 And I'd be all like, "Mom! I... I will tell you when I'm masturbating--" 116 00:04:49,073 --> 00:04:52,109 {\an8}- Jesus fuck! Stop telling that nasty-ass story. - [snoring] 117 00:04:52,109 --> 00:04:55,379 Yeah, I thought you were gonna 86 the "Mom catches me jacking it" shit. 118 00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:57,047 Shut up! 119 00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:59,483 Don't listen to them, Chuck. I like that story. [chuckles] 120 00:04:59,483 --> 00:05:01,818 I don't. But you have the right to tell it 121 00:05:01,818 --> 00:05:05,155 because you're a flying villain destined for greatness. 122 00:05:05,155 --> 00:05:08,558 [Bane] I'm looking for a flying villain destined for greatness 123 00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:11,128 to help out the Legion of Doom. 124 00:05:11,128 --> 00:05:13,463 Babe, that's literally you. 125 00:05:13,463 --> 00:05:15,599 [Bane] No way, Golden Glider. 126 00:05:15,599 --> 00:05:18,702 Lex is still pissed from the last time you helped. 127 00:05:18,702 --> 00:05:23,773 That one insane power of yours melted most of the cafeteria staff. 128 00:05:23,773 --> 00:05:26,610 - Oh, come on. Those powers aren't my fault. - Hey. 129 00:05:26,610 --> 00:05:31,581 She told Lex very clearly that she can't control her rather disturbing powers. 130 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,283 - Thanks, babe. - You're my world, babe. 131 00:05:33,283 --> 00:05:37,087 Yeah. I still have to bring Lex a flying villain, so-- 132 00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:38,288 Oh, Kite Man can do it. 133 00:05:38,288 --> 00:05:40,090 But he has no powers. 134 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,658 He's just got a kite. 135 00:05:41,658 --> 00:05:44,628 Like a Victorian child in a sailor suit. 136 00:05:44,628 --> 00:05:47,664 That is not true. Kindness is his superpower. 137 00:05:47,664 --> 00:05:49,499 Noonan, when you were stabbed in the heart, 138 00:05:49,499 --> 00:05:50,800 who brought you soup for three months? 139 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,503 FlashDash. But Kite Man delivered it. 140 00:05:53,503 --> 00:05:54,904 [stammers] And Queen of Fables, 141 00:05:54,904 --> 00:05:56,506 who found your severed head on the ground 142 00:05:56,506 --> 00:05:57,907 and saved it in a glass jar? 143 00:05:57,907 --> 00:05:59,543 {\an8}Fuck if I know. I was dead. 144 00:05:59,543 --> 00:06:00,710 It was Kite Man! 145 00:06:00,710 --> 00:06:02,646 - And Moe and Joe-- - Kite Man. 146 00:06:02,646 --> 00:06:04,048 Uh, I didn't say the thing yet. 147 00:06:04,048 --> 00:06:05,482 And you don't have to. 148 00:06:05,482 --> 00:06:07,985 Let's just say they were able to reattach it. 149 00:06:07,985 --> 00:06:08,918 [both] Not all of it. 150 00:06:08,918 --> 00:06:10,454 See? Case closed. 151 00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:13,857 Your heart is your superpower, and anyone who doesn't see that 152 00:06:13,857 --> 00:06:17,061 is a huge D-bag who's getting their ass kicked by me. 153 00:06:17,061 --> 00:06:18,795 {\an8}Well, I don't have a ass to kick. 154 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,597 {\an8}Besides, heart ain't even a power. 155 00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,832 [Bane] I enjoy the friendly banter here, 156 00:06:22,832 --> 00:06:25,735 but I parked in a loading zone so... 157 00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,405 Ugh, Kite Man it is. 158 00:06:28,405 --> 00:06:29,940 - [cheers] - Hell, yeah. 159 00:06:29,940 --> 00:06:33,077 Kite Man. Thank you for joining us. 160 00:06:33,077 --> 00:06:34,678 You know, I'm a big fan. 161 00:06:34,678 --> 00:06:37,647 Like you, I forged my way to success and started-- 162 00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:39,283 - Please shut the fuck up. - Roger that. 163 00:06:39,283 --> 00:06:42,219 The Justice League is going to attack us at any moment. 164 00:06:42,219 --> 00:06:43,820 Your job is to patrol the skies 165 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,756 and alert us if one of them attacks by air. 166 00:06:46,756 --> 00:06:49,293 Hey, easy peasy mac and cheesy. 167 00:06:49,293 --> 00:06:51,495 Do not fuck up. 168 00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:54,098 Oh, good thing I only fuck down. 169 00:06:58,235 --> 00:07:00,237 [triumphant music playing] 170 00:07:01,304 --> 00:07:02,239 Hell, yeah! 171 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,109 Kite Man to base. 172 00:07:05,109 --> 00:07:07,044 [loudly] KM to B. 173 00:07:07,044 --> 00:07:10,347 Can you hear me? Over. 174 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,182 No need to shout. 175 00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:14,584 [chuckles] Yeah, this equipment's pretty sensitive. Yeah. 176 00:07:14,584 --> 00:07:16,120 Gus, oh, sorry. 177 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,754 [stammers] I just... I'm a... I'm a little nervous. 178 00:07:17,754 --> 00:07:19,456 - This is a big opportunity. - Oh, well, 179 00:07:19,456 --> 00:07:21,691 - you know what I tell my kindergartners? - [music fades] 180 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:24,194 Even a complex task is simple 181 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:28,398 if you do one right thing followed by another right thing. 182 00:07:28,398 --> 00:07:29,733 You teach kindergarten? 183 00:07:29,733 --> 00:07:31,668 Oh, yeah. I just goon on the side-- 184 00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:34,904 Oh, dear God! Everything here is on fire. 185 00:07:34,904 --> 00:07:37,841 Gus? I'm... I'm coming for you. Over. 186 00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:41,878 [grunting] 187 00:07:43,074 --> 00:07:45,249 [groaning] 188 00:07:45,249 --> 00:07:47,617 - Everybody back up! He needs to breathe. - [Kite Man groaning] 189 00:07:47,617 --> 00:07:49,119 Give him space. 190 00:07:49,119 --> 00:07:51,255 - [groaning] - [Golden Glider] Chuck, wake up! 191 00:07:51,255 --> 00:07:53,590 [gasps] Are you okay? 192 00:07:53,590 --> 00:07:54,959 - [Kite Man groans] - [body cracks] 193 00:07:54,959 --> 00:07:57,261 Well, a little sore, but it's not too bad 194 00:07:57,261 --> 00:08:00,525 considering I went toe to toe with the son of Krypton himself. 195 00:08:00,525 --> 00:08:05,102 Um... Well, you didn't actually quite get to Superman. 196 00:08:05,102 --> 00:08:06,936 You got knocked out 197 00:08:06,936 --> 00:08:09,206 and then a crosswind blew your limp, unconscious body into some power lines. 198 00:08:09,206 --> 00:08:11,942 Crosswinds, the, uh, Superman of weather patterns there. 199 00:08:11,942 --> 00:08:13,777 [hesitates] But, uh, hey, did we at least... 200 00:08:13,777 --> 00:08:15,712 Did we protect the... the thingamajig? 201 00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:17,014 What... What is it? The, um... 202 00:08:17,014 --> 00:08:17,948 [Lex] It's gone. 203 00:08:18,814 --> 00:08:20,684 Lex, you came to check on me? 204 00:08:20,684 --> 00:08:22,786 Hardly. I came here remotely to say 205 00:08:22,786 --> 00:08:25,222 you are the worst "villain" I have ever witnessed. 206 00:08:25,222 --> 00:08:27,552 How dare you say that, you shaved ball sack! 207 00:08:27,552 --> 00:08:28,758 I got this, babe. 208 00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:29,994 You know what, Lex? 209 00:08:29,994 --> 00:08:31,795 - [back cracking] - Ow! Oh, my back. 210 00:08:31,795 --> 00:08:33,230 - [groans] - Oh, oh, oh, babe. 211 00:08:33,230 --> 00:08:34,831 - Babe? Babe? Oh, Jesus. - Yeah, I'm gonna... 212 00:08:34,831 --> 00:08:36,633 I'm gonna stand up for myself lying down. 213 00:08:36,633 --> 00:08:38,435 - And, ooh, there we go. - Hey. 214 00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,437 - Gentle. Gentle. - [groaning] 215 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,905 - Is he still there? - Yeah. 216 00:08:41,905 --> 00:08:44,674 You know what, Lex? I used to look up to you. 217 00:08:44,674 --> 00:08:47,144 Now, you may have a bajillion dollars 218 00:08:47,144 --> 00:08:50,547 and a fancy corporation and a private army-- 219 00:08:50,547 --> 00:08:52,182 - What a loser! - Uh... 220 00:08:52,182 --> 00:08:53,951 Nope, hang on, babe. Didn't get to the bad stuff yet. 221 00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:55,619 - 10-4, babe. - Here it comes. 222 00:08:55,619 --> 00:08:59,584 You may have that stuff, but you know what you don't have? 223 00:08:59,584 --> 00:09:01,158 Friends. 224 00:09:01,158 --> 00:09:03,927 You'll never be able to walk into a place like this, 225 00:09:03,927 --> 00:09:05,795 lie down on the floor, 226 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:09,533 and know that everyone around you loves you and cares about you. 227 00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:11,468 So who's the real loser here? 228 00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,470 Me or the guy with no friends 229 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:19,076 who, real talk, will never be able to kill Superman? 230 00:09:19,076 --> 00:09:21,545 So, this dump is your sanctuary? 231 00:09:21,545 --> 00:09:23,080 You're darn tootin'. 232 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,415 Mr. Noonan, I would like to buy your bar. 233 00:09:25,415 --> 00:09:26,984 It's not for sale. 234 00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:28,885 {\an8}-How about ten million dollars? - Sold. 235 00:09:28,885 --> 00:09:30,287 - What? - [all exclaiming] 236 00:09:30,287 --> 00:09:31,788 Wonderful. 237 00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:33,357 I'll have my people draw up the contract 238 00:09:33,357 --> 00:09:35,325 and a wrecking crew here by the end of the week. 239 00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,427 - [door closes] - Is everyone staring at me disapprovingly? 240 00:09:37,427 --> 00:09:39,463 I... I can't get a good angle. 241 00:09:39,463 --> 00:09:42,766 This is all that's left of our impenetrable vault. 242 00:09:42,766 --> 00:09:47,837 [Bane] Toy Man, please tell me you purchased the extended warranty. 243 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,108 - Uh-oh. - [beeps] 244 00:09:51,108 --> 00:09:52,442 [screams] 245 00:09:52,442 --> 00:09:55,245 [Bane] Is... Is that a thing with every chair? 246 00:09:55,245 --> 00:09:57,047 I am going to stand. 247 00:09:57,047 --> 00:09:59,516 - [Bane grunting] - You know whose fault this is? 248 00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:00,717 Kite Man's. 249 00:10:00,717 --> 00:10:02,452 And you picked him, Bane. 250 00:10:02,452 --> 00:10:05,922 [Bane] I think we should be supportive of each other. 251 00:10:05,922 --> 00:10:09,226 - Would you give me some fucking space and take a seat? - [Bane whimpers] 252 00:10:09,226 --> 00:10:11,328 - My point is-- - You're fired. 253 00:10:11,328 --> 00:10:15,399 - [glass shatters] - [Bane yells] What happened to two weeks' notice? 254 00:10:15,399 --> 00:10:19,003 What the dick, Noonan? You can't sell this bar. 255 00:10:19,003 --> 00:10:21,705 Look, I don't want to sell it. 256 00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:24,141 But I can't refuse ten million bucks. 257 00:10:24,141 --> 00:10:26,944 [sighs] But this place freaking rules. 258 00:10:26,944 --> 00:10:28,946 Chuck and I had our first date here. 259 00:10:28,946 --> 00:10:31,148 - Who the hell is Chuck? - Kite Man. 260 00:10:31,148 --> 00:10:32,649 Aw. 261 00:10:32,649 --> 00:10:34,584 We had drinks at the bar. We played darts right over there. 262 00:10:34,584 --> 00:10:37,087 Did hand stuff at the table right there. [giggles] 263 00:10:37,087 --> 00:10:43,560 My drinking problem and subsequent divorce started on this very stool. 264 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:47,297 Yeah, the big supervillains are all sitting pretty in their lairs, 265 00:10:47,297 --> 00:10:50,600 but this place is for the dregs, the goons, the henches. 266 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,069 A place for the rest of us. 267 00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:55,039 A place you don't mind taking a nasty shit in. 268 00:10:55,039 --> 00:10:56,106 I agree. 269 00:10:56,106 --> 00:10:57,975 And not just because we share an anus. 270 00:10:57,975 --> 00:10:59,376 Well, I'll tell you what. 271 00:10:59,376 --> 00:11:01,245 It's not going anywhere. 272 00:11:01,245 --> 00:11:04,281 You can do number two in this place as long as you want 273 00:11:04,281 --> 00:11:08,185 'cause me and Glider are buying this bar. 274 00:11:08,185 --> 00:11:09,386 Yeah, we are! 275 00:11:09,386 --> 00:11:10,654 Wait, what? [chuckles] 276 00:11:10,654 --> 00:11:12,656 Babe, this bar is 10 million dollars. 277 00:11:12,656 --> 00:11:15,325 You can't put a price on the place you call home. 278 00:11:15,325 --> 00:11:17,794 Uh, you absolutely can and it's 10 million dollars. 279 00:11:17,794 --> 00:11:19,463 - Babe. - [chuckling] Babe. 280 00:11:19,463 --> 00:11:21,298 {\an8}- Babe. - Babe! 281 00:11:21,298 --> 00:11:22,967 {\an8}Babe. 282 00:11:22,967 --> 00:11:26,336 Will you make me the happiest small business owner in the world 283 00:11:26,336 --> 00:11:27,904 and buy this bar with me? 284 00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:29,906 Is this bullshit working? 285 00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,508 {\an8}I don't even know what I'm watching anymore. 286 00:11:31,508 --> 00:11:34,311 {\an8}Oh, you crazy son of a mom! 287 00:11:34,311 --> 00:11:36,313 {\an8}This is the stupidest idea in the world, 288 00:11:36,313 --> 00:11:39,649 {\an8}and I can't wait to do it with you! [laughs] 289 00:11:39,649 --> 00:11:40,917 {\an8}- [all cheering] - Babe. 290 00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,319 {\an8}- [all applauding] - Aw, look at that. 291 00:11:42,319 --> 00:11:44,854 {\an8}Here comes the hand stuff they were talking about. 292 00:11:44,854 --> 00:11:46,123 {\an8}This is bullshit. 293 00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,624 {\an8}You don't have 10 million dollars. 294 00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:51,261 We can get the money with the power of our love. 295 00:11:51,261 --> 00:11:52,596 Like through a cam show or a... 296 00:11:52,596 --> 00:11:53,730 Okay, not from a cam show. 297 00:11:53,730 --> 00:11:55,132 But we'll find it. 298 00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:57,334 And Sean, when we come up with 10 million dollars, 299 00:11:57,334 --> 00:11:59,269 will you sell it to us instead of Lex? 300 00:11:59,269 --> 00:12:02,039 Sure. But where are you gonna get that kind of moolah? 301 00:12:02,039 --> 00:12:04,241 It's not gonna just fall out of the sky. 302 00:12:05,275 --> 00:12:06,110 [Bane] Oh! 303 00:12:06,110 --> 00:12:11,581 God damn you, Lex Luthor! 304 00:12:11,581 --> 00:12:14,118 Aw, shit. I was hoping that was gonna be a sack filled with money. 305 00:12:14,118 --> 00:12:18,555 [chuckles] And now, you got a ceiling to repair on top of the ten mil. 306 00:12:18,555 --> 00:12:22,159 Kite Man and I will get you that money by the end of the week. 307 00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:24,661 - You have a plan, right, babe? - Hell, yeah, I do. 308 00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:27,497 'Cause I am a grown-ass man. 309 00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:30,767 Daddy, I need to borrow 10 million dollars, please. 310 00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:33,403 Absolutely not. Anything else? 311 00:12:33,403 --> 00:12:36,974 I'm just waiting for the part where you tell me it's Opposite Day. 312 00:12:36,974 --> 00:12:38,442 It is not Opposite Day. 313 00:12:38,442 --> 00:12:40,644 Well, you don't even know what the loan is for. 314 00:12:40,644 --> 00:12:41,946 Who is this woman? 315 00:12:41,946 --> 00:12:44,081 {\an8}I'm his girlfriend/business partner. 316 00:12:44,081 --> 00:12:45,682 {\an8}We've met several times. 317 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,252 {\an8}I sent you a box of Omaha steaks for your birthday. 318 00:12:48,252 --> 00:12:49,119 {\an8}That's dumb. 319 00:12:49,119 --> 00:12:50,754 {\an8}Look, I got to where I am 320 00:12:50,754 --> 00:12:53,523 {\an8}because I recognize a bad investment when I see one. 321 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,625 You are that bad investment. 322 00:12:55,625 --> 00:12:57,694 Nah, I'm not following. 323 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,163 Not really a money guy. 324 00:12:59,163 --> 00:13:01,098 Let me be abundantly clear. 325 00:13:01,098 --> 00:13:03,500 {\an8}You have never accomplished anything in your life. 326 00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:06,503 - I do not believe in you. - Well, then loan it to me. 327 00:13:06,503 --> 00:13:09,439 No, because you're dumb enough to date Chuck. 328 00:13:09,439 --> 00:13:12,109 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get a vasectomy. 329 00:13:12,109 --> 00:13:15,779 Good idea. In fact, make it a double vasectomy. 330 00:13:15,779 --> 00:13:18,815 Come on, Chuck. Let's bounce. 331 00:13:18,815 --> 00:13:20,617 - [Kiteman grunts] - [Golden Glider grunts] 332 00:13:22,652 --> 00:13:25,422 - Can't believe my dad is being so stingy. - Oh, forget him. 333 00:13:25,422 --> 00:13:27,524 There's got to be another way to get this money. 334 00:13:27,524 --> 00:13:28,592 Oh, I know! 335 00:13:28,592 --> 00:13:30,060 - Not Shark Tank. - Damn. 336 00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:32,696 Ugh! Asking people for money is so humiliating. 337 00:13:32,696 --> 00:13:34,198 That's it. 338 00:13:34,198 --> 00:13:37,201 {\an8}Babe, it's about to get a lot more humiliating. 339 00:13:38,668 --> 00:13:40,404 Look, Chuck, 340 00:13:40,404 --> 00:13:44,441 I realize that we spent your last dime on a wedding deposit 341 00:13:44,441 --> 00:13:46,410 that you will never get back, and I-- 342 00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:47,611 Damn right he did. 343 00:13:47,611 --> 00:13:49,746 No worries. It was all part of my journey. 344 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:54,684 However, I... I do not have 10 million dollars just a-lying around. 345 00:13:54,684 --> 00:13:55,880 Eh, I find that hard to believe. 346 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,654 Babe. 347 00:13:57,654 --> 00:13:59,189 It's true. We just bought a vacation property in Themyscira, 348 00:13:59,189 --> 00:14:00,590 so we're second house poor. 349 00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:02,659 Well, that's very relatable. 350 00:14:02,659 --> 00:14:03,927 Not really, babe. 351 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,495 I think they're saying they don't-- 352 00:14:05,495 --> 00:14:08,098 - Oh. No, oh, okay. I get it. Wow. - [cat meows] 353 00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:10,467 Well, this is mucho disappointing. 354 00:14:10,467 --> 00:14:13,103 Hey, chin up, Kitey. You're a bad guy. 355 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,471 What do bad guys do? 356 00:14:14,471 --> 00:14:17,307 Bad guys steal things from worse guys. 357 00:14:17,307 --> 00:14:19,276 Oh, that is the worst... [gasps] 358 00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:23,047 A really good idea I've ever heard. 359 00:14:23,047 --> 00:14:26,050 Our target, Casa de Caucasion. 360 00:14:26,050 --> 00:14:29,186 {\an8}[Kite Man] An impermeable island stronghold on the Eastern Seaboard. 361 00:14:29,186 --> 00:14:33,190 Also, there's usually some taffy in the cupboard above the fridge. 362 00:14:36,859 --> 00:14:38,428 {\an8}Are we robbing your fucking dad? 363 00:14:38,428 --> 00:14:40,697 - Hell, yeah. - Damn skippy. 364 00:14:40,697 --> 00:14:42,199 Sick. 365 00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:53,077 - This place looks like a death trap. - Hell, yeah, big time. 366 00:14:53,077 --> 00:14:55,145 My dad has a group of ex-Mossad agents 367 00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:57,614 and power yoga instructors to protect his mans. 368 00:14:57,614 --> 00:15:00,217 I would be remiss if I didn't warn you. 369 00:15:00,217 --> 00:15:02,286 Not all of you will make it back in one piece. 370 00:15:02,286 --> 00:15:04,054 I don't have any more fucking pieces to lose. 371 00:15:04,054 --> 00:15:08,892 I am drunk and I am in. [burps] 372 00:15:08,892 --> 00:15:11,161 All right. We need a distraction. 373 00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:12,662 Ooh, I got a distraction. 374 00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,099 And it involves a pirouette into a triple axel. 375 00:15:15,099 --> 00:15:16,500 [doorbell rings] 376 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:17,367 Hit it. 377 00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:20,037 [orchestral music playing] 378 00:15:20,637 --> 00:15:22,439 Oh, my God! 379 00:15:22,439 --> 00:15:24,308 She's skating the opening adagio 380 00:15:24,308 --> 00:15:27,711 from the Generic Desert Apocalypse on Ice! 381 00:15:27,711 --> 00:15:29,313 It's working. Let's go! 382 00:15:29,313 --> 00:15:30,614 [bodyguard] Holy shit! 383 00:15:30,614 --> 00:15:32,582 I've never seen a move so beautiful. 384 00:15:32,582 --> 00:15:34,618 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who are they? 385 00:15:34,618 --> 00:15:35,852 Those are my, uh... 386 00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:37,787 [clears throat] Backup skaters. 387 00:15:37,787 --> 00:15:39,756 [all cheer disjointedly] 388 00:15:39,756 --> 00:15:41,491 Hang on. 389 00:15:41,491 --> 00:15:44,561 The backup skaters don't come out until the end of act one. 390 00:15:44,561 --> 00:15:46,296 We're being had! 391 00:15:46,296 --> 00:15:47,497 [grunts] 392 00:15:55,033 --> 00:15:57,174 - Time to wing it! - [Bane screams] 393 00:15:57,174 --> 00:15:59,043 [all yelling] 394 00:16:00,844 --> 00:16:02,646 [bodyguards grunting] 395 00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:04,581 [screams] Oh! 396 00:16:07,316 --> 00:16:09,486 [yells and groans] 397 00:16:09,486 --> 00:16:11,388 Ooh, it's wet and it's gross. Oh, God. 398 00:16:12,523 --> 00:16:13,223 [grunts] 399 00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:15,659 - [grunts] - [screams] 400 00:16:15,659 --> 00:16:16,726 [guns firing] 401 00:16:19,029 --> 00:16:20,497 [both scream] 402 00:16:20,497 --> 00:16:22,599 Oh, it's gross, and it's wet. It's warm. [grunts] 403 00:16:26,003 --> 00:16:27,671 [both scream] 404 00:16:27,671 --> 00:16:29,339 [both grunting] 405 00:16:36,646 --> 00:16:38,248 [choking] 406 00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:42,286 [both grunting] 407 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:49,526 - Wait, aren't you my kid's kindergarten teacher? - [man 1 screaming faintly] 408 00:16:49,526 --> 00:16:53,497 [gasps] You're Mikey's dad. How fun! 409 00:16:53,497 --> 00:16:55,465 - Did you get the note I sent home with him? - Yeah. 410 00:16:55,465 --> 00:16:56,967 - [man 1 screaming faintly] - Sorry. I... I think 411 00:16:56,967 --> 00:16:59,436 he's acting out 'cause I've been working so much. 412 00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:02,006 - [Queen of Fables grunting] - [bodyguard 2 screaming] 413 00:17:02,006 --> 00:17:03,873 You're welcome. 414 00:17:03,873 --> 00:17:06,876 Well, I'm gonna have to block off some one-on-one time with Mikey. 415 00:17:06,876 --> 00:17:08,512 [Kite Man grunting] 416 00:17:09,646 --> 00:17:10,480 [bodyguards grunt] 417 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,116 Go in there and get the money. 418 00:17:12,116 --> 00:17:13,850 I'll stay here and beat them off. 419 00:17:13,850 --> 00:17:15,385 [laughs] Babe, you said beat-- 420 00:17:15,385 --> 00:17:17,321 - Not now, Chuck! [grunts] - [woman yells] 421 00:17:18,088 --> 00:17:20,690 [bodyguards screaming] 422 00:17:20,690 --> 00:17:21,891 [both groan] 423 00:17:21,891 --> 00:17:23,493 [gasps] 424 00:17:23,493 --> 00:17:25,262 Oh! [grunts] 425 00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:28,498 [grunts] 426 00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:32,636 - [gasps] - [Kite Man grunts] 427 00:17:32,636 --> 00:17:34,099 [both grunting] 428 00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:36,440 Babe, we need a miracle. 429 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,342 You have got to use your powers. 430 00:17:38,342 --> 00:17:41,445 I can't. You know I can't control them when I use them. 431 00:17:41,445 --> 00:17:43,380 - [man 3 screaming faintly] - Lisa! There is no other way. 432 00:17:43,380 --> 00:17:46,083 Chuck, what if I kill you? 433 00:17:46,083 --> 00:17:48,318 That's not gonna happen. I trust you. 434 00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:50,187 Why do you think I want to buy a bar with you? 435 00:17:50,187 --> 00:17:54,658 Hey, you's twos done having your aside so we can murder youse? 436 00:17:54,658 --> 00:17:58,195 Unless we murder you like a razor cutting through garlic. 437 00:17:58,195 --> 00:18:00,664 - [laughs] Right, Moe? - Let's find out. 438 00:18:04,267 --> 00:18:05,869 - [groans] - [gasps] 439 00:18:05,869 --> 00:18:06,870 [groans] 440 00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:11,108 {\an8}Joe! 441 00:18:11,108 --> 00:18:15,345 Oh, shit, shit, shit. 442 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:16,813 No, no, no... 443 00:18:16,813 --> 00:18:18,648 [groaning] 444 00:18:24,287 --> 00:18:25,622 [shrieks] 445 00:18:29,258 --> 00:18:30,560 [all scream] 446 00:18:36,632 --> 00:18:40,304 Schwing! Never been turned on more than right now. 447 00:18:41,104 --> 00:18:42,306 [screams] 448 00:18:43,173 --> 00:18:44,508 [all screaming] 449 00:18:45,909 --> 00:18:46,776 [groans] 450 00:18:47,310 --> 00:18:48,378 Hell, yeah! 451 00:18:50,047 --> 00:18:52,582 So that's the power. 452 00:18:59,322 --> 00:19:01,325 - Hello, Charles. - Dad. 453 00:19:01,325 --> 00:19:02,859 I've been waiting to give you these. 454 00:19:02,859 --> 00:19:05,829 What's in them? Oh, oh... Is it centipedes? 455 00:19:05,829 --> 00:19:07,931 It's centipedes, isn't it? Did you know that they sting you? 456 00:19:07,931 --> 00:19:11,168 The bags are full of money, you idiot. 457 00:19:11,168 --> 00:19:12,869 Ten million to be exact. 458 00:19:12,869 --> 00:19:14,638 You're giving me the money? 459 00:19:14,638 --> 00:19:16,941 This is the first time I've ever seen you stand up to me. 460 00:19:16,941 --> 00:19:22,279 It makes me think maybe you're not a completely worthless piece of garbage. 461 00:19:22,279 --> 00:19:26,083 I've waited my whole life for... [chuckles] 462 00:19:26,083 --> 00:19:28,318 Well, I mean not... Not those words, 463 00:19:28,318 --> 00:19:30,454 but I'll take it. 464 00:19:30,454 --> 00:19:32,022 [somber music playing on recorder] 465 00:19:32,022 --> 00:19:34,458 {\an8}[Kite Man] We were victorious, but there was a cost. 466 00:19:34,458 --> 00:19:38,595 I will now read the names of those who were killed in our pursuit of glory. 467 00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:43,933 Scuzzy, Jimmy One Ball, Joey Three Balls, Kneecaps McGee, 468 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,369 Joe Dubelz. 469 00:19:45,369 --> 00:19:46,903 Wait, what? Nah, nah, nah. 470 00:19:46,903 --> 00:19:49,273 Joe's fine. He's just taking a nap. 471 00:19:50,340 --> 00:19:52,876 And Bane, who I'll miss most of all. 472 00:19:52,876 --> 00:19:54,444 [Bane sputtering] Who? Wait, what? 473 00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:55,779 - No! - [coughs] 474 00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,414 [Bane] I had to use the bathroom 475 00:19:57,414 --> 00:19:59,549 back at your dad's house and I got lost. 476 00:19:59,549 --> 00:20:02,686 Did you leave me for dead? 477 00:20:02,686 --> 00:20:04,788 [stammers] Uh, well, yeah, well... 478 00:20:04,788 --> 00:20:08,292 But the important thing is we have the money and we can buy the bar. 479 00:20:08,292 --> 00:20:10,560 [all cheering] 480 00:20:14,429 --> 00:20:18,335 Is that the briefcase you told us the Justice League stole? 481 00:20:18,335 --> 00:20:19,703 And if it is? 482 00:20:19,703 --> 00:20:21,571 That would mean Superman never took it. 483 00:20:21,571 --> 00:20:24,474 Which means you were the one that tricked our flyers 484 00:20:24,474 --> 00:20:26,476 into leaving the skies unprotected. 485 00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:31,448 Except for Kite Man, a known idiot who would be your fall guy. 486 00:20:31,448 --> 00:20:34,184 There's just one big flaw in your plan. 487 00:20:34,184 --> 00:20:37,821 The Justice League will scour the universe for this thing. 488 00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:40,790 And you don't have the means to protect it. 489 00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:43,927 You only have to protect something if people know where it is. 490 00:20:43,927 --> 00:20:45,362 It's on your desk. 491 00:20:45,362 --> 00:20:47,464 Oh, I'll be moving it right after you're dead. 492 00:20:47,464 --> 00:20:48,898 "Right after I'm..." 493 00:20:48,898 --> 00:20:50,667 Shit. 494 00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:52,436 In answer to your question, 495 00:20:52,436 --> 00:20:56,406 I'll be hiding it in the last place anyone would think to look. 496 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,276 Kite Man and Golden Glider, 497 00:20:59,276 --> 00:21:01,678 you are the proud owners of a bar 498 00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:03,813 that's got four mortgages on it 499 00:21:03,813 --> 00:21:08,452 as well as black mold inside every wall. 500 00:21:11,288 --> 00:21:13,023 Lex, we won it fair and square. 501 00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:16,321 I'm not here to kill you. I'm here to congratulate you. 502 00:21:16,321 --> 00:21:18,895 So, are we friends now? 503 00:21:18,895 --> 00:21:23,600 No, I'm friends with important people like Joker and Paul Simon. 504 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,170 Anyway, congrats on your new business venture. 505 00:21:26,170 --> 00:21:27,671 Uh, Bane, let's go. 506 00:21:27,671 --> 00:21:31,241 I am with them now. They treat me with respect. 507 00:21:31,241 --> 00:21:33,377 Uh, usually. 508 00:21:33,377 --> 00:21:35,545 Fine. You do you, Bane. 509 00:21:36,979 --> 00:21:40,517 [Bane] I'm doing me! [mimicking gunshots] 510 00:21:41,717 --> 00:21:44,254 I've done some whack-ass shit in my life. 511 00:21:44,254 --> 00:21:47,724 But this... is the whack-assiest. 512 00:21:47,724 --> 00:21:50,860 {\an8}And I can't imagine doing it with anyone else. 513 00:21:50,860 --> 00:21:52,196 {\an8}Hell, yeah. 514 00:21:52,196 --> 00:21:53,663 {\an8}Babe, I got a feeling we're gonna make this bar... 515 00:21:53,663 --> 00:21:55,432 [imitates Borat] ...a great success. 516 00:21:55,432 --> 00:21:57,234 [imitates Borat] Ah, very nice. 517 00:21:57,234 --> 00:21:58,935 [both moaning] 518 00:21:58,935 --> 00:22:00,870 [Gus in normal voice] Oh, here comes the hand stuff. 519 00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:06,543 [DeSaad] Lord Darkseid! 520 00:22:06,543 --> 00:22:08,545 After ages of searching, 521 00:22:08,545 --> 00:22:11,748 I have narrowed the location of the weapon to a small range of planets. 522 00:22:11,748 --> 00:22:13,417 Excellent. 523 00:22:13,417 --> 00:22:17,154 For it is Darkseid's destiny to harness the Anti-Life Equation. 524 00:22:17,154 --> 00:22:22,826 The power to enslave the mind of every being in the universe. [laughs] 525 00:22:22,826 --> 00:22:27,364 And undoubtedly, this priceless weapon is being held 526 00:22:27,364 --> 00:22:31,168 in an impenetrable fortress, 527 00:22:31,168 --> 00:22:36,040 under the protection of its sector's most supreme beings. 528 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,443 We must prepare for all-out war! [laughs evilly] 529 00:22:39,443 --> 00:22:42,112 [choir] ♪ All out... ♪ 530 00:22:42,112 --> 00:22:44,181 [rock music playing]