[dramatic tone]
You know, um, I'm ready to be a dad.
I've been thinking about it, and I think it's finally time.
It's all I've ever wanted since I was little.
And I can't keep waiting to meet the right girl, you know?
I gotta take action. I gotta take charge.
I gotta do this myself 'cause it's for me, right?
So I just...
think I'm ready to have a little Petey.
What do you think?
You're getting very good at this.
I almost believed
that you believed the line of shit you were giving me.
Is it that crazy that I want to be a dad?
- Yeah, Peter. - Why?
Because every guy who has a family,
he's fuckin' fantasizing about having your life.
- That's why we hate you. - We?
You know I love you, but if I could,
I'd kill you and wear your skin
just so I could bang supermodels.
I just--I just wanna be there for a child.
- I wanna have a child. - Okay, take mine.
And she'll do it for the checkmark.
I don't want Angela. I want my own fresh one.
- I wanna dress it all swaggy. - All right. All right.
Okay, listen to me, can we please talk about this
when you're not being a drug addict?
User, Uncle Tom. I'm a drug user, okay?
And maybe if I had a kid,
hey, maybe I wouldn't use drugs so much.
Maybe it'll teach me to channel my inner chaos
and give my life meaning or some shit.
- I don't know. - Bro, what the fuck
are you talking about? Look at me. I'm a dad.
Do I look like my life has meaning?
Pete, you're not ready, okay?
You can't just go and have a family, okay?
That means no more partying, no more drugs,
no more drinking, no more friends.
You can't have friends.
Have you ever seen me with a friend?
No jets to Turks and Belize or whatever the fuck.
Look, I know you dream about killing yourself.
That's out the window.
I don't know what else to do, Uncle Tommy, okay?
I've done everything.
I'm fuckin' running out of options, all right?
And I talked to my-- [hammer clanging]
I talked to my therapist, and my therapist thinks
that it's a good idea.
- It may be healthy for me. - Oh, yeah?
- You know, yeah. - Well, your therapist needs,
like, a fucking kick in the balls, okay?
Nobody ever had their life become better
because they had kids.
Fuck.
Is that crooked?
Yeah, a little. Yeah, yeah.
Ah, fuck. That's two weeks of my life.
Here. Take it.
Just be careful with it. The handle's sharp.
Oh, both are sharp.
- Hey. - Yeah?
Never forget.
1992.
- Sexiest Man on Staten Island. - That's right.
Paul Montello and Kyle Hennesy.
- Never forget. - Never forget.
This guy doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.
Having a baby would solve all of your problems.
Did you tell him about how it would,
like, channel your chaos?
It would give your life meaning?
Yeah, I told him exactly that.
I don't think he knows what he's talking about.
So do you know who you'd like to have it with?
Is there somebody special?
Well, I think I'm just gonna have it myself,
but Nikki said she'd, you know,
- sell me one of her eggs, so... - Sell?
Yeah, well, you know, she went to Harvard, so it's--
it's like a-- it's an elite egg.
I don't know, if you're gonna buy the eggs,
you might as well go big.
Kelly Clarkson. Oh, my God.
That baby would be so talented! Can you imagine?
She's sing and, you know, do other things.
Yeah, I don't think we need to worry
about the egg right now.
I think we gotta find a-- a load holder.
It's called a surrogate, honey.
Yes, and I can take care of that for you very easy.
- You're the surrogate, yeah. - [squeals]
Oh, Peter, we're having a baby.
- We're having a baby. - Mm-hmm.
- I'm so excited. - Yeah.
* Ain't nothin' like hip-hop music ♪
♪ You like it 'cause you choose it ♪
So, like, would I be able to tell her eventually?
Like, before the end of my life?
Like, we just wait until the most dramatic moment possible,
like I'm on my deathbed.
And I just, like, grab her face,
and I'm like, "I'm your mom."
[imitates flatlining] So dramatic.
No, it wouldn't be a secret. You could tell her.
Okay, so I'd be, like, the semi-present fun dad?
I always wanted to be the fun dad.
- Yeah. - Though it might not be
the best time to have a baby.
I'm kind of a caregiver already right now
because my brother has that really intense fetish
for deadbeat moms.
He can't fuckin' help himself, huh?
No, and this kid's mom is on this, like,
"spiritual journey" right now, which is just a fancy way
of saying she's in Costa Rica doing ayahuasca,
shitting her brains out into a bucket.
- So sad. - It's actually so tragic.
People don't know you can do ayahuasca in Queens.
Come on, this is about the kid.
- She's eight years old. - Eight?
Which means she gets why it's so fucked up,
but she also just, like, really needs a mom, you know?
Well, then let's-- let's, um...
Let's do something fun for her. Uh, I don't know.
Could we take her to, like, an amusement park or some shit?
She would love that so much.
Okay, cool. Let's do it.
Wow, Pete, you're being, like, parental right now.
It's kind of hot.
You wanna just fuck here and save me 80 grand?
Oh, for sure. No, we should totally do that.
Like, should we go to the bathroom right now?
You're a dick.
You want me to have my brother's baby?
No, honey. It's--it's not your egg.
You would just carry it, so there's no incest.
You think I should just give over my body for nine months
like a brood mare just to help Pete ruin two lives?
I think having a baby would really focus him.
Okay, it's a baby, not a fidget spinner.
Look, I feel like our family has been coming apart, right?
And a baby is a great way to keep a family together.
I don't even know what to say.
You've caught Pete's insanity.
Please. Don't be so dramatic.
It's one baby.
Unless it's two.
Oh, my God, twins. I'm gonna pass out.
[laughs] That's too exciting.
- [phone ringing] - Hey, Poppy.
Peter, I'm in the studio with Roy.
He's making a calendar for Borgie for me.
Hey, Peter. Borgie, Borgie, Borgie.
- Get me the cowboy hat. - Now he's gonna be a cowboy.
- Fucking hilarious. - Hilarious.
I gotta go. You guys are nuts.
- What else is he gonna be? - Look at the hat!
Here he comes.
Are you excited?
[coughing]
- Hi. - Yo, what's up, my little G?
- You brought the crew. - Yeah.
Well, you know, it takes a village.
I'm being fun dad. We can both be fun dads.
Okay.
Um, well, Anna, this is Pete.
- Hi. I'm Pete. - Hi, Pete.
Pete was able to get us front-of-the-line passes today.
You have very big teeth.
Get in the car.
Ah.
Not what I had in mind. What the fuck?
What? I'm trying to have fun.
- Hey, Nikki. [laughs] - Sick outfit.
You know you can't smoke in here, right,
'cause we're with child?
We goin' to Action Land sober?
What is this, a church retreat?
I'm on pills, my G.
Uh, is it okay if Crillz plays his music?
Oh, yeah, she can't hear shit
in these noise-cancelling headphones.
All right. [hip-hop music playing]
Let's go!
I have the perfect person to play opposite you
as the ten-gallon hat man.
What you think about Ethan Hawke?
♪ ♪
This is gonna be fun, man.
This is, like, my first time
I get to, like, practice being a dad.
- It's pretty cool, right? - Yeah.
- [laughs] - What?
Oh, you were serious about that?
Yeah.
Okay.
♪ Makin' moves ♪
♪ I know it hurts ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What the fuck is he doing here?
- Pete. - Gill.
- What's up, dude? - What up, man?
Hey, thank you.
Thanks for giving me another chance.
Don't worry about it, man.
Now, just so you know,
things are a little different now.
You're on probation.
That's fine. That makes perfect sense.
- Thank you. - Hey, come on.
Put your phone in the bag.
- What? - You heard him.
Put the phone in the Yondr bag.
- Come on, guys. - What you need your phone for?
I knew you guys were gonna be dickheads.
None of your friends here. Your family hates you.
- You right here. - I hate you guys.
- I've always hated you two. - Feeling's mutual.
You know what? I'm done.
This nigga's dizzy. I'm out of here.
♪ ♪
All right, Anna, what ride do you wanna go on first?
You can do anything you want.
We're doing everything you want today.
Uh, whatever you guys want.
- Thanks again for taking me. - Whatever.
Okay, well...
Hey, how about the Fireball?
- That one's pretty wild. - Ooh.
That one sounds scary.
How about the Whippersnapper to get the party started?
- Whippersnapper? - I don't know.
My G, some people think the Whippersnapper's kinda gay,
but it's actually one of the best rides in the park.
Crill.
Anna. [clears throat]
When Crilly says that something is gay,
he doesn't mean it in, like, a homophobic way.
He just means that it's, like, the worst thing in the world.
Exactly.
- What? - Guys.
- What? - Let's just--let's move on.
That's how he meant it.
Jesus, Pete. Nice parenting.
Pete, it's awesome to see you with this kid, man.
You're gonna be a great father someday.
I bet your dead daddy's looking down on us right now,
proud as hell of you. I love it.
- Thanks, man. - No problem.
We better go catch up.
Layin' the cheese pretty thick, don't you think?
- You little rat. - Fuck you, dude.
[upbeat swing music]
* Just walking in the sunshine ♪
♪ With my buddy, little buddy ♪
Hello. Could I please get two regulars?
- Sure. - Thanks.
[phone chimes]
Peter, we got the dog dressed as Sherlock Holmes.
He's got the magnifying glass in his paw
like he's about to solve a mystery.
Who's gonna catch the murderer?
Fuckin' hilarious!
Hey.
What are you doin' with the leaves?
How's it going?
[sighs]
Hey, look, I know, um...
I know you might not be seeing your mom for a little bit, uh,
and that it must be really sad.
And I can tell you, I kind of know what that's like.
And just so you know, it's gonna be all right.
I mean, you know, look how I turned out, right?
No offense, but you seem like you have a lot of problems.
[laughs] Okay.
Why don't you eat your Dippin' Dots, all right?
My mom's really not that great.
I kind of hated living with her.
[as Rodney Dangerfield] Tell me about it, okay?
What's that?
- It's Rodney Dangerfield. - Who?
You don't know Rodney Dangerfield?
[as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, we're all gonna get laid.
You remember that guy? He's a comedian.
Who's your favorite comedian?
Addison Rae.
Jesus. Fuck.
Look, Anna, you know, I get it.
Living with your mom could suck, you know?
Don't you live with your mom?
Hey, she lives with me, okay?
Look, I pay the mortgage.
All right?
I hate my life.
Hey.
Hey, look at me. Don't say that.
Don't say you hate your life, okay?
Life is just really tough when you're a kid.
Nobody tells you that, but being a kid sucks.
It's really confusing, you know?
And you might see kids with their parents together,
and you think they have a happy life and everything.
And yeah, they do right now, but you know what?
It's gonna fizzle out after high school.
They're all gonna do heroin in college.
But not you. Not you.
This is your origin story.
You're a superhero. You are a warrior.
I'm gonna call you Xena.
You are Xena the Warrior Princess.
You'll figure it out.
So what you can't control things right now?
That's fine. You're a kid. You're not supposed
to be able to figure out how to control things.
But you can control what makes you happy,
who you have in your life.
What do you like to do? Do you have hobbies?
Do you have any friends? You must have tons of friends.
You don't have any friends?
Come on. I don't buy that.
Okay, well, you have two now. How about that?
Me and Nikki'll be your friends.
Is that cool? You wanna be our friend?
You wanna be part of our gang?
[laughs] Yeah.
Yeah? All right, my G.
Finish your ice cream and we'll go on some rides, okay?
♪ ♪
[bottles clatter]
I saw you talking to Anna.
That was really sweet.
Yeah, she's really sweet.
And just--I feel bad, you know?
She's, like, a kid. That shit sucks.
I just--I don't even know
if she's having a good time, you know?
No, she's having a very fun time.
You're actually, like, surprisingly good
at this whole parent thing.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, it's probably 'cause you're so emotionally stunted,
but...
I wish a big, strong man would win me a teddy bear.
You and me both, sweetheart.
Huh?
I said, three balls for $5,
12 for 10.
Hey, would it be possible to just,
I don't know, buy one of the bears?
Oh, you're one of those "how much can I buy it for" guys.
Never earned a fucking thing in your life.
- What? - The bear's worth nothing.
The victory and excitement of winning the bear--
priceless.
These bears have been in these rafters
for 20 years.
20.
[dramatic music]
Come on. Don't be a pussy.
Fuckin'...
How's a G sound, huh?
- A G sounds great. - Let's go.
Fuck. Now we're fuckin' talking.
[bottles clattering]
- Oh, shit! - Oh, my God!
- Whoo! - Fuck!
Forgot to spray the bottles down.
- What? - What?
- Oh, my God. - What the fuck?
[engine starts]
- What the fuck? - What?
Whoa! Hey, hey!
Oh, guys, I'm sorry.
I was just in the bathroom doing some schneef.
All right. Here we go.
Bottle down. Three balls for $5.
- All right? - The guy...
There was another guy.
Listen, forget about that.
I can give you the bear for $20.
How 'bout some schneef?
It's $20 for schneef.
I can put the schneef in the bear. $40.
So what do you say?
You want the schneef-filled bear?
Yeah.
Can I come? both: No.
I went too far?
- A little bit, yeah. - Yeah? All right.
- Take the fuckin' bear. - Thanks.
Fuck off.
[both giggle]
Thank you.
So I was thinking, why risk it?
Why roll the dice when I already know
the best womb a baby could want?
Yeah. I mean, quick question.
Does Pete know that you're here?
I mean, we broke up a really long time ago.
I feel like this would give him a full panic attack.
No, he doesn't know.
But I don't think he even realizes
how perfect this would be.
Honestly, the thought of him wanting a baby this bad
that he would do it by himself is kind of breaking my heart.
God, I forgot what a sweet girl you are.
You are an angel.
[laughs]
You know what? You're right.
You should not be the surrogate.
Why not?
- You should be his wife. - Yeah.
- I'm sold. I'm in. - Okay.
I choose you. Aw.
- You know I have a boyfriend. - Yeah, I know.
Well, it can't be serious.
- I don't see a ring. - It is.
We've been together over a year.
- Does he love you? - Yeah.
Do you love him?
Yeah. I mean, it's serious.
We have a dog together.
Would he leave you for $10,000?
- What? - I'm just saying.
You don't want to throw away an opportunity like this
if he would be willing to dump you for 15 grand.
He wouldn't. He wouldn't.
I don't know. Let's find out.
What does he want more: you or $25,000?
Okay.
What's the number?
[carnival music]
♪ ♪
Hey.
What's up, guys? Where's Anna?
I thought she was with you.
- You guys were watching her. - Oh, shit.
Wh--I don't-- I don't see her anywhere.
Guys, this is, like, the worst possible thing we can do.
We lost her?
- Anna! Anna! - Anna!
Okay, okay, don't freak out and
- make this about you, please. - What do you mean?
She's probably around here somewhere.
No, she's not. Fuck, this is so bad!
Anna! Anna!
- Anna! - Anna!
Anna, get out here!
Where you at, my little G?
- Anna! Anna! - My G, where you at?
She's not answering. Anna?
See, this is why I need my phone.
You guys took it. Psychos.
No, man. No.
You wouldn't find that kid with your phone.
I find kids all the time with my phone, Derek.
- Wow. - That's dark.
I understand what's going on here.
There's a white girl gone missing in this park.
I'm getting the fuck out of here.
You fucking asshole.
I'm keeping the dog, you piece of shit.
[sighs]
Oh, honey.
It's better you find out now.
I mean, it's not true love if he's willing
to throw it all away for 50 Gs.
You're a terrible person.
Oh, I see, your boyfriend leaves you for cash,
and I'm the monster.
Amy, you have all this energy and drive right now.
It's going into a really dark place.
You know how they say put the oxygen mask on yourself first?
You act like you've gone a really long time
with no oxygen.
You ruined this cake for me. [sniffles]
And it was my favorite cake.
Anna? Anna! [phone chimes]
We have him dressed as a banker now.
He's the "woof" of Wall Street.
- The wolf. - Fuckin' hilarious!
- What are you doing? - Oh.
We have to keep looking. Come on.
Should be a spooky waste of time. Let's go.
Yeah, maybe the little G went in here.
All right.
[intense spooky music]
♪ ♪
[humming]
[growls]
[continues humming]
[claps]
♪ ♪
- [growls] - Aah! I fuckin' hate this!
Argh!
- Good night. - [grunts]
Time to go to work.
♪ ♪
[growls] [chainsaw buzzing]
[growls]
Sweet dreams.
Are any of these your kid?
[dramatic tone]
[cheerful music playing]
[whispering] Get me outta here.
Yo, you really fucked that wolf man up, dude.
You got a solid right.
We're not close like that.
Pete forgives because he's an open soul,
but it's my job to protect him from anything.
You betrayed us.
What, you guys never used Pete to try to get something?
Pete's aura is a delicate ecosystem.
It's an ecosystem that supports the life of all of us.
And you fucked with that ecosystem.
You're an existential threat.
I've seen guys like you before.
In and out in six months.
Free weed. Supreme hoodies.
Enjoy it while it lasts, 'cause at the end of the day,
- the couch is mine. - Hey!
- What the fuck is your problem? - Oh, shit, Crilly, look out!
[grunts]
- [thuds] - Oh, shit.
Knocked the dust out that zombie.
Matter of fact, run his pockets.
- And you... - Huh?
- You're back in. - Huh.
- You're my G for life, bro. - Did you see that?
Come here.
But if you ever cross Pete again,
you're fuckin' dead.
You ever cross Pete, you're dead.
- Yeah, boy. - Yeah.
Come here.
- Let's go get some popcorn. - Yeah.
- Anna! - Anna!
Anna!
Oh, my God. There she is.
Anna!
- Where have you been? - I got hungry.
Where did you go? I was so worried about you.
You can never do that again, okay?
Do you know what could have happened to you?
- Have you seen "SVU"? - No.
Hey, my G.
Oh, you three show up just when the problem's solved.
- Awesome. - Pete, you found the kid?
Incredible, dude. You're a legend.
- Thanks, man. - Hey, can we go home now?
I mean, we found the little white girl,
so we should probably leave the casino
while we're still up.
No, we can't go yet
'cause Anna hasn't been on any rides.
I mean, this day's all about you, right?
We gotta take you on a ride. What's your favorite ride?
Princess Coaster.
But it's closed.
Okay, well, how about we go on my favorite ride?
Turbulence.
- Is it scary? - No.
Not at all. Not for you.
- I might go on it. - Good.
I think you should go on it. You know why?
'Cause remember when we were talking earlier
and you weren't feeling so hot
and I said that you're a strong superhero
and you're a super warrior?
When you go on a ride like this that you're afraid of,
when you go on, you're gonna feel so good about yourself.
- Promise? - I promise.
Ready? [coaster hisses]
I don't know.
What was your favorite ride?
Princess Coaster.
Fuck the Princess Coaster.
Let's go!
Whoo! Whoo!
[whimpers] We're really high up!
Not for long!
Let's go!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! - [screaming]
- We're gonna die! - Yeah, we are!
Wasn't that great?
Wasn't that so much fun? Huh?
[whimpers]
Why would you force me to do that?
Whoa. Hey, I didn't force you to do anything, okay?
You said I'd like it, and I didn't!
I didn't like it! I hated it!
- Yo, is that Pete Davidson? - I miss my mom! I miss my mom!
I'm sorry. I was just trying to help you.
What happened? Are you okay? What's wrong?
I don't know. She's freaking out.
- Calm down. Calm down. - You're horrible!
He's not horrible. He's great.
You said if things are gay,
they're the worst things in the world!
Oh, come on. You knew what I meant.
I heard everything you said in the car.
Everything!
You said that you lied about liking "Black Panther."
He never even saw it!
- What? - What?
You shut your mouth.
Guys, she's just a kid.
I mean, I s-- I saw "Black Panther."
Multiple times, right?
"Wakander" forever.
There's no hard "R" in "Wakanda,"
you fucking racist.
What's with this guy? [crown booing]
I told you to watch that movie.
So now, we out here fucked up.
The girl from "Ring" is out here tryna get you cancelled,
and Kenny Rogers from the fuckin' future
thinks he's a goddamn journalist.
Go ahead. Put the camera down.
Hey, Davidson. [booing continues]
I got a "Weekend Update" for you.
You suck. [laughter]
Right? Come on.
And your special was so-so.
There's nothin' worse than a Wakanda denier.
[soft ambient music]
♪ ♪
[sighs] Hey, I'm sorry I--
I let you down today.
You know, it was my first day as a dad,
and I fucked up, you know?
Okay, let's slow down. You weren't a dad.
You were a co-babysitter for, like, eight hours.
I was kind of a dad, right?
Okay, this is crazy.
Can we stop acting like you're gonna have,
like, a kid tomorrow?
Why? Why is that so crazy?
Everybody's saying that to me.
They're saying, "Oh, you can't do..."
Why? Why? I love very strong.
I would take really good care of a kid.
Am I that crazy to think that I could take care of something
and love something and--
No. No, I...
I think you're gonna be a really great,
not-high-all-the-time dad.
Someday.
- I see it. - Thanks.
I can't do this again.
- What? - I can't do this again.
If you wanna be friends with me,
I will be your best fucking friend.
But can you just please stop confusing me?
'Cause it's mean and it hurts.
♪ Loneliness ♪
♪ ♪
♪ How I miss your tenderness ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Seems so long since you've gone ♪
[sighs] Hey, Mom.
I'm--I'm fuckin' starving.
Do you have food left over?
Go take a look. I'm watching "Grey's."
Well, can I join?
You're a grown man. Do what you want.
All right. Catch me up.
Meredith might have found out
that McDreamy was cheating on her in D.C.,
but it's questionable.
What a douchebag.
I mean, doesn't he know that she's the sun?
Hey, after this, do you wanna watch "Black Panther"?
- No. - Okay.
- * I want you back right by my side ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I feel bad, don't you see? ♪
♪ Oh, don't do this to me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Please come back to my side ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Wipe the tears from my eyes ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Stop this hate in my heart ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Say that we will never part ♪
♪ ♪