Woo-woo!
It's lease-signing day, a treat we only get once a century.
The next one will be in paradise.
Do you think there'll be leases or contracts in paradise?
Yeah, it's paradise.
Joe, thank you for renewing.
Oh, I'm, uh, Matt. Joe's just coming.
Oh, right. So who's the freeholder, then?
Joint freeholders, we're married.
Oh, nice. And Joe is short for Joanna, is it?
Sorry I'm late.
Christ's wounds.
CLEARS THROAT Samson, they are a lovely Christian couple.
They were married in a Methodist Church.
Gets worse. I'm not signing!
Well, that, that could be interpreted as a little bit of a hate crime.
Meh.
If we don't sign them, we'd have no place of worship.
In the short term, I don't even know where we'd go.
DOOR SHUTS
Guess who's going up in the world?
Shoes off in the living room, David.
Oh, you mean the church, Fiona?
David, what have you done?
So, without consulting me, you've agreed to host 80 people.
This house can hold 80 people.
Mm-hm. All we have to do is jettison everything we own.
That's the spirit.
What if it rains?
Forecast says 40% chance.
I like those odds. THUNDER RUMBLES
And you didn't ask Samson why we lost the church?
Look, son and wife,
if the Lewis house becomes a church, we're important,
we matter... we're loved.
David, tell me you didn't do this just to feel loved.
Rachel, is the minibar holy yet?
I put a tablecloth on it.
Next time, just say, "Yes."
Now, go and help Aaron turn your room into a creche for the under-fives.
Dad, can I just get your signature on something?
Sure. David, we're going to read that.
I think it's very clear I wasn't.
Parental approval...
...for Jebediah.
So if I sign this, you two will officially be courter and courtee?
Why don't we just call it boyfriend and girlfriend?
I'll be vetting him thoroughly. Yes.
Your mother and I will be riddling him with questions.
Questions to the ribs, questions to the eyes.
Marriage is for eternity, Rachel.
Mm-hm. Get that decision wrong and, oh boy, are you stuck.
Think about it. Every day trapped in a prison of your own making.
SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS
Inert in a mental rocking chair,
until you realise your whole life has been one long death rattle.
And you're grateful when the gurgles finally stop.
OK, let's go and fix the kitchen.
There's a cookbook in there with a dried aubergine on the cover,
and that will not fly.
Moved the fragiles to the garage.
Only broke three glasses,
if I maintain that rate when I move them back,
we'll be in a good spot.
David, what's this?
That?
The pie? Mm.
I made it.
MYSTERIOUS MUSIC You're claiming you cooked this?
You seared the mince...
...mashed the potato...
...turned on the oven?
Yes.
Turn on the oven now.
That's the dishwasher. Mm-hm.
KNOCK ON THE WINDOW Hey, guys. Lovely church you got there.
Can you open it?
CAR HORNS BEEP No, no, no. No parking here.
But as far as I'm concerned, the neighbours' lawns are fair game.
David, does your house church have a confessional?
I have some, um, intimate things I need to release.
Well, the confessional is my 13-year-old son's bedroom.
Do not release anything in there.
Uh, FYI, the new confessional, not fully soundproofed,
so no listening in from the queue.
Though I guess you could just listen in,
then confess to it once it's your turn.
Come on, Joel, let's hear those secrets.
Hello. Morning.
Good morning. Hey. Hey.
Brother, sister,
just brought a small church-warming gift to say thank you.
Oh, it's engraved. Oh, my goodness.
Rachel, your match is a gentleman.
No, Dad, my match is over there.
Oh, yes, not the pleasant boy who brought the thoughtful gift,
but the tattooed man-boy groaning under the weight of his medallions.
Hello. Mm.
Hey, I'm Jebediah, but please, call me Jeb.
No, I don't think I will.
Jeb's necklaces are actually all symbols of his faith.
Powerful symbols, yeah.
That's Catholic, that's Buddhist,
and that's a saint who doesn't exist.
Well, I feel like all faiths have part of the picture, right?
Not a good start, Rachel.
God's house should have things like a font and a chapel.
Not my dad's big bag of spoons.
Are they special collector's spoons?
No. Huh.
We need to make this right. Walk with me.
You and your sister sleep in the same room?
This is my parents' room.
Ah.
Yeah, that's much worse.
We should be alone in here,
but the confessional is right next door.
JOEL: I'm feeling very, uh, pent up since Samson swore me to chastity.
I, I actually had a wet dream about Elder Samson.
ABIJAH: Ah, Joel, that's completely normal.
Right! Um, what do you know?
Samson is claiming there was an unresolvable administrative error,
but he won't reveal what it is,
or even which elder attended as witness.
If we find that elder and make him talk...
Then we can launch a no-confidence vote.
It shouldn't come to that, Aaron.
You know, we can handle this delicately.
ABIJAH: I still feel so stressed, I did nothing at that lease meeting.
JOEL: Abijah, isn't this supposed to be my confession?
ABIJAH: Yeah, but who does Abijah confess to?
Abijah. We can break Abijah.
Break? This is war, Andrew.
Some men break.
Usually men like Abijah.
Is there nowhere more private we could talk?
There is no private now, Rachel.
Your father killed it.
And I'd do it again, for God.
We could leave the house. And miss church?
Mm, outdoor Bible study's going well.
I don't know what they're teaching them, but it looks good.
I'm gonna lock this so the kids don't interrupt.
Relax, Rachel. DOOR SHUTS
This is just a chilled-out, getting-to-know-you chat, right?
No, you're being evaluated.
And if you fall short, your relationship will end.
Oh, cool stuff.
Jeb, this family is a unit.
And that means if you want to date my daughter, you need to date me.
Dad! David. He has to date me, Fiona.
Question one to evaluate your suitability as a husband,
how do you tell if a VHS tape is authentic?
The hologram sticker.
OK. The boy has promise.
David, I'm going to need you to be quiet, immediately. Mm.
So, Jeb...
...what are your core religious values?
First and foremost...
...forgiveness.
Matthew 18:21, "Jesus said not to forgive a sinner seven times,
"but seven times seven times."
That's just an unimaginable number.
The quote is 70 times seven.
Sister, if that were true, my tattoo would be wrong.
Jeb actually studies the Bible very diligently.
Is that right? Oh, yeah.
And one thing I've noticed...
...is mountains.
Mount Sinai, Mount Arafat. Ararat. So many. It's a pattern.
You've named two mountains.
And people talk about sex positivity,
but Christ's own mother was a sex worker.
Uh, no, no, no, that's Mary Magdalene.
Different Mary.
She was his mother, Rachel.
No, Jesus's mother was a virgin, wasn't she?
Well, who's to say a virgin can't be a prostitute,
with OnlyFans and that?
OK, I think I've heard enough, thank you.
Ooh, can I ask my follow-up question?
Did video technology peak with the VCR?
And given that it did, why?
KNOCK ON THE WINDOW Can you unlock the door?
I'm not supposed to get these children wet.
Mum, you can't just dismiss him because he got
a few questions wrong.
I'm not, I'm dismissing him
because he has 50 words tattooed on his body,
and they seem to be the only words he knows.
It's my duty to ensure you end up with someone compatible.
Like you did.
Look, I know you wanted me to pick Josh, but I didn't.
I picked Jeb.
WHISPERS: Don't think about her, Josh.
I'm gonna give you so many kids...
...all girls.
Well, you can't really guarantee... WHISPERS: All girls.
And I name the worst one Rachel.
Fiona, Jeb's mountain thing, did we dismiss that too early?
David, whatever anyone says about us, we're solid, right?
We have trust.
We have loyalty.
Of course.
David, hi.
Did you enjoy my pie?
I was wondering if I could have my dish back.
ABIJAH SIGHS OK, anyone listening in on that,
please remember, he's a family man with a family business.
Aaron, do you want to confess or access your bedroom?
We need you to fetch some squash from the garage.
Can it wait? I have a queue of troubled souls here...
Samson's asking. Please don't tell him I hesitated.
Hello, squash, my old friend.
Abijah, if you could do us the kindness of taking a seat.
Us?
Yes...
...us.
It was an innocent exchange of pie.
There were no illicit intentions.
Ah.
TRAY BANGS David, what are you doing?
Shatterproof, David. I always use shatterproof.
What in God's name is that?
Well, that's Sharpie.
Could've been there for years.
Maude, that message is old, right?
Not particularly.
Mm-hm. So when did you write it?
When I made the pie.
OK, so who was the message for?
The person I made the pie for.
David, could I ask you to leave?
Fiona, I'd love to.
Tell me, Maude...
...what business do you have making my husband a pie?
Well, I noticed he wasn't getting any at home.
PENSIVE MUSIC
Sorry, I'll try that again.
Maude, I think we got off on the wrong foot.
I felt like you were making improper advances to my husband,
but I'm sure I've misread.
No, Fiona, I think you're a very astute woman.
I noticed you have a little business selling trinkets online.
It's very cute.
What is it about your home that you're so desperate to break out of?
They say men defined history, Fiona,
but when Caesar came home after a long day at the Curia Hostilia,
who did he ask for fresh linens?
WHISPERS: His wife.
If the emperor answers to the woman who pours his bathwater,
who really ruled the Julio-Claudian dynasty?
There's nothing powerful about waiting on a man hand and foot.
So why were you worried about my pie?
David is a very special man.
So pliant, so malleable.
Oh, he'd make a great emperor.
Stay away from my husband.
You think your kitchen is a prison, Fiona?
Well, I'm the prison warden.
WHISPERS: And you're out past curfew.
Take your dish out of my kitchen, you adulterous, pie-making bitch.
Um, sorry, do you have any kitchen roll?
Uh, a child threw up in the creche,
and it's caused something of a... a chain reaction.
Josh, I...I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.
What I was saying was, I'm sorry that...
SINGING OUT OF TUNE ♪ Joy of man's desire... ♪
OK. I know somewhere we can talk.
It's not ideal, but it is... an airing cupboard.
Look, I'm sorry you heard me earlier.
It's OK. I do need to come to terms with you picking Jeb.
Having it screamed at me might speed that up.
Did he make a good impression?
Well, my mum hates him, so that's a big plus.
Right.
Look, he said some dumb stuff, but he's different.
I think he'll let me do what I want,
let me work without me having to... Leave the order?
I didn't say that.
What if I want those things for you too?
With your dad over your shoulder?
There's more to me than my dad.
I should go.
Mm. Sweet knit, sister.
Why did we lose the church, Abijah?
You got a big bag of spoons in here.
Abijah! Samson couldn't sign the lease.
DYNAMIC MUSIC
Couldn't or wouldn't? I...
Before you answer that, Abijah... SWITCH CLICKS
Ah, so bright.
Samson, uh, disagreed with our freeholder.
What about?
Who, who can say?
What's the freeholder like?
Smartly dressed, friendly.
Keep talking.
He was... he was there with his husband.
Can I just say, I tried to stand up to Samson,
I begged for him to sign that lease?
Would you stand up to him again in front of everyone?
This is the worst day of my life.
Thank you, Abijah.
You may go now. GARAGE DOOR CLICKS AND WHIRS
ABIJAH CLEARS THROAT
See ya. Hmm.
ABIJAH GRUNTS
Oh, the driveway's cold and wet.
Well, I'm disappointed, but not surprised.
We should launch a no-confidence vote.
Aaron, let's not be rash.
Jesus said, "Turn the other cheek."
He also flipped the tables in the temple.
There's a time for forgiveness
and there's a time to send in the locusts.
Let me handle this, discreetly.
If that fails? Then I'll source you a thousand locusts.
A thousand? That's nowhere near enough.
A thousand sounds like a lot.
A swarm is 40 to 80 million.
Well, you've taught me something today. GARAGE DOOR BANGS
ABIJAH GRUNTS Sorry, guys,
I think I left my keys in your black-site garage prison.
See ya in a bit.
Mum, I'm sorry for what I said before about you and Dad.
You'll be wanting your form, no doubt.
You signed it?
Well, I realised no relationship is perfect.
One minute things are bearable
and the next you're staring at a pie dish
from a homewrecking spider woman. WATER SPLASHES
Ah!
Fiona, are you decent?
I know you don't like me seeing you with your elbows uncovered.
Hello, David. Maude...
...you're on my wife's bed.
Yes, I sensed it was hers.
Two single beds and nary a mark on the floor.
I'd wager it's been quite some time since you pushed these two together.
WHISPERS: This needs to end.
What needs to end?
You, the pie, everything.
I ate that pie under false pretences.
I thought it was a platonic pie.
But now I see your intentions were...
...impure.
But you did eat it, David.
And you enjoyed it.
That pie is still inside you now...
...feeding you...
...nourishing your bones,
nourishing those huntsman's bones.
There was quite a lot of dairy in the mash. Mm-hm.
Yeah, it's been going great.
Real physical sense of community.
Uh, just a few question marks
over why you didn't host it at your house.
My house is far too small for this.
Cos the order account just got charged
for 5,000 terracotta floor tiles.
Yes, those tiles are for my small house.
Now shut up and show me the altar.
Ah, here we are, the sacred zone,
uh, at the interface where two wallpapers meet.
Remove the cat. Oh, it's a godly cat.
Look at those clouds.
It has the devil's eyes.
You'll never see it again.
Right.
What are they doing here?
Esteemed members of the order, I bring good tidings.
The administrative error Samson claimed to be unresolvable
has now being resolved.
We have our church back.
GROANS: Oh.
Ah. All that remains is for Samson to, uh, sign on the dotted line,
as it were.
Now, does anyone have a pen?
Absolutely, Andrew.
He needed a pen.
There's a mistake here.
It says the price has gone up by 10%.
No mistake.
We've booked a second honeymoon with a KING-size bed.
Very important there's a king-size bed.
Mm.
You'll fit right in with them...
...in hell. WHISPERS: Come on.
Aaron? Aar...
I hereby call a no-confidence vote
in the leadership of Chief Elder Samson.
Wow. OK, uh, we're gonna go now.
Oh, yeah.
Nice to see you again.
Happy honeymoon. Hope it's a nice bed.
You think you can take me on, little boy?
You'd need an elder to vouch for that.
Any elders wanna raise their hands?
Abijah, if you raise your hand, I will destroy you.
Samson, my hands are below my belt line and I would not risk
raising them any further.
Anyone?
Didn't think so.
Tatty-bye, then.
CHURCHGOERS GASPING
The vote will take place within two weeks.
Good luck.
Well, we didn't quite get an official service, but all told,
a good day, I felt.
A 13-year-old launched a coup against me.
Yes, and I can't be blamed for that.
Hey, mate.
Crazy day, right?
Yeah.
I saw you with Rachel earlier.
Uh, yeah, we, we were just...
Yeah, I don't wanna see you do that anymore.
She picked me, you guys are over. Deal with it.
Everything all right?
Everything's great!
Um, next stages. Can't wait.
Fiona, that woman is bad news.
But I told her, "No more!"
Thank you for hosting, David.
Lovely to see inside your bedroom.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media