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-[crowd cheering]
-[announcer] Hello, Los Angeles!
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Are you all ready to make history?
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[cheering continues]
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Welcome to Stand Out.
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For the first time ever,
your favorite LGBTQ legends
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and rising stars perform on the same stage
for one unforgettable
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super gay night of comedy.
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Please welcome tonight's host,
Billy Eichner!
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Good evening, Los Angeles!
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Can we hear it
for this incredible historic cast?
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Welcome to Stand Out: A Celebration
of LGBTQ Comedy.
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This is a historic night.
I am so excited to be here.
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There are so many queer
people here tonight.
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Right?
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Thousands of queer people out there
and on stage.
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All it would take is one
unexpected mudslide
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and there'd be
no one left in L.A.
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who can fully appreciate
Jennifer Coolidge.
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Now... let's be honest, no one knows
what's going to happen tonight.
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Comedy is a very violent
place these days.
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All right?
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There are comedians
getting attacked at the Oscars,
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there are comedians getting attacked
at the Hollywood Bowl.
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But we are the LGBTQ community!
We are sophisticated,
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we are chic, and we are above
all that nonsense, right?
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So let's please hold ourselves
to a higher standard.
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Please, nobody jump on stage
and try to...
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try to body-slam Lily Tomlin.
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Did you know Lily Tomlin
is the first lesbian to ever receive
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the Kennedy Center honor?
That's true.
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She's also the first lesbian, period.
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She came up with the whole idea.
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Really, it was supposed to be like
a one-off sketch on Laugh-In,
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and she just kept it going
for like, 60 years.
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What a genius.
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Now, tonight is about laughter
and queer joy, but...
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we do need to acknowledge
the reality of the moment.
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We all know how backwards and dangerous
the "Don't Say Gay" laws are.
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Queer people, and especially trans people
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are under legislative attack
in this country.
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Trans people are being demeaned,
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they're trying to dehumanize trans people,
they're trying to erase trans people,
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and I'm not even talking about Florida,
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I'm talking about Dave Chappelle's
latest Netflix special.
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Oh, come at me!
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I don't have Jamie Foxx to defend me,
but I have Rosie O'Donnell
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and the entire Gay Men's Chorus!
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Although the fight
for Queer equality continues,
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we have made a lot of progress.
Last year, Pete Buttigieg
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became the first openly gay
member of the Cabinet.
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That's right.
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And say what you will,
Pete Buttigieg has proven
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that gay men can become exactly what all
of us have always dreamed of becoming.
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Secretary of Transportation.
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And speaking of progress,
I have a movie coming out in September
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called Bros.
Bros is the first gay rom-com
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ever released by a major studio.
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Thank you.
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I'm also very proud to say,
this a historic, first-of-its-kind night
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for LGBTQ comedians.
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So let me ask you, L.A.,
are you ready to laugh?
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[crowd cheering]
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-Are you ready to scream?
-[crowd cheering]
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And now, I'm going to bring out someone
to help me steer this very queer ship.
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Our mistress of ceremonies.
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She's a winner of RuPaul's Drag Race,
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the hilarious host of Sibling Rivalry,
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and owner of one
of the best drag names ever.
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Please welcome,
Bob the Drag Queen!
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Oh! Oh, my...
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Can I just say a sentence out loud that
I kind of can't believe I'm going to say
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out loud?
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It's 2022.
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We're doing stuff right now in 2022
that we never would have been
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able to predict. We never would have
thought that this is where
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the world would go.
We're out here doing...
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We're repping vaccines
like we're in gangs and shit.
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We're on the street like,
"Pfizer, motherfucker, what's good?
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Who you with? Moderna?
Who you with?"
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We look at people with Johnson & Johnson
like they have prepaid cell phones.
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We're like...
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"Damn, how do people live like this?
This is crazy."
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If you got the Johnson & Johnson
on the first round,
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that is the most cis straight white man
thing you can do.
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Johnson & Johnson is the most shampoo
and conditioner combined shit you can do.
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-Gay guys, make some noise.
-[crowd cheers]
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Okay. Do not be so proud.
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Okay, all the gay guys,
I'm talking to you right now.
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The rest of you can listen, too.
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But gay guys, the number one rule:
stop being mean to lesbians!
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Listen! I'm talking to you!
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Stop!
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Stop being mean to lesbians!
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We can't...
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We need these bitches!
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We can't do this by ourselves!
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Gay people don't have plans,
gay guys don't have plans.
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You ever gone on vacation with a bunch
of gay guys? It's sad.
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They don't know what the hell
they're going to do.
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"What's the plan, Carl?"
"Hmm..."
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"Tea Dance, a little bit of Molly."
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You ever gone on vacation with lesbians?
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You're like, "Edna, what's the plan?"
"Everybody, in the lobby, seven o'clock,
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in the car, 7:15..."
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"Do not be late or we will leave you.
We will leave you."
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So stop being mean to women.
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Are you ready for some more
amazing comedians?
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Please welcome the creator and star
of the critically acclaimed,
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groundbreaking queer comedy series,
Feel Good, Mae Martin.
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Hi! What?
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This is crazy!
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I'm Canadian, but I live in the UK.
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But my dad's British. He's like,
unbelievably British, my dad.
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And I was visiting them in Canada,
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and I'm in the kitchen,
and my dad comes up to me and goes,
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"Meet me in the study at dusk."
I'm like, "What?"
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So I go to my mom, I'm like,
"What time is dusk?"
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I go in, and this is like
my childhood home that I grew up in.
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I'm standing with my dad,
and he wanted to show me
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some raccoons that live in a tree
and every night at dusk
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they emerge or something.
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He's mystical, he's mystical.
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Then, out of nowhere, he goes,
"Do you know,
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you were conceived in this room?"
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Genuinely. And I was like,
"Oh, you remember
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the specific night that I was conceived?"
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He truly said this phrase which has
haunted me ever since, he went,
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"Yes, I remember it well. The moonlight
shone in over your mother's bottom..."
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Over your...
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I feel like you're not getting it. I now
know the position I was conceived in.
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I'm horrified. I'm horrified.
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Like, nobody wants to be conceived
doggy-style. It's so bleak.
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Like, you want to be conceived
face-to-face, eye contact,
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like the moment of ejaculation, like,
"We choose to make a life,"
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not like, "Oh, bite the pillow."
It's horrible.
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It's like...
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It's changed how I see myself,
how I carry myself in the world.
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It's affected my posture,
it's just a little more like...
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I'm like...
I'm a doggy-style baby.
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I feel like I can spot
other doggy-style babies, 100%.
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I get on the subway and I'm like,
"Hey," they're like "Argh..."
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So I live in the UK.
And right now the hysteria in the UK
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around trans identities and stuff
is so insane. I know it's the same here.
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But I get that it's hard for people.
It's hard to learn new words and stuff.
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Although like, is it?
Like, "omicron," you know?
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We picked up omicron pretty fast.
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But I would say,
if you're ever stuck with someone
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who doesn't understand the difference
between gender and biological sex
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and you're trying to explain it,
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the way I picture it is I picture
the gender spectrum,
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with all its infinite variety.
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Do you remember Gaston?
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From Beauty and the Beast.
He's like...
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♪ No one fights like Gaston ♪
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That guy. So he's at one end
of like the hyper-masculine end
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of the gender spectrum.
At the other end you have Belle,
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who has Stockholm syndrome.
It's so dark.
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But she's still-- no, guys, she's still an
excellent role model because she can read.
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She loves a book.
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And then, in the middle of the spectrum,
you have the candlestick.
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And I really relate to the candlestick.
They're awesome.
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Lumière's the best, and obviously,
the more you empower Lumière,
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the more fun Gaston and Belle
are going to have.
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Lumière's like, "Be my guest..."
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Okay. I don't know.
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I had this fantasy that like, Chappelle,
and Louis C.K.,
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and Ricky Gervais,
any kind of multi-millionaire
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who uses their massive platform
to punch down...
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This fantasy, they're eating a hog roast.
They're ripping off the meat,
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and they're drinking goblets
of that medieval drink, mead?
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Goblets of mead. Gog-gog-gog.
And then they turn on the TV,
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and they see me doing my little
Beauty and the Beast joke,
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"Guys, I'm a candlestick..."
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They're just watching it, and suddenly
they're like, "Oh, my God.
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We were wrong."
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And then they gently cradle each other,
they kiss each other.
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They re-parent themselves.
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All right, thank you so much, guys,
have a good night!
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[Bob] Please welcome Grammy
award-winning singer, Ani DiFranco!
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Hello, hello, hello.
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All right, well, as some of you may know,
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I've been making music for 30 years.
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And I can't tell you how many times
I've been asked,
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"What kind of music do you make?"
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And after all this time, I still don't
know the answer to that question.
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And I feel like the same could be said
of our next performer.
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I love Margaret Cho
because of her indie spirit
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and uniqueness.
Give it up for Emmy-nominated
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comedian, actor, writer, and activist
Margaret Cho.
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[cheering and applause]
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I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you.
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Thank you!
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Hi!
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Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
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So I'm here to represent
the B in the LGBTQIA+ community.
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I'm bisexual.
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The B stands for bisexual.
It also stands for
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"Believe," bitch! Believe.
We're real, we're here,
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we're also queer.
I started off full lesbian,
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100% dyke in the '80s,
which was dangerous.
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I mean, it's dangerous now
to be gay with all the crazy
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anti-gay shit happening,
everything...
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but you know, whenever I look
at Marjorie Taylor Greene,
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she has such dyke face.
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You know what I mean?
Like, she just
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has that fucking face...
Those lips that have never touched dick.
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Dyke face, which I have. I know dyke face,
I fucking have dyke face.
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I know that face,
I have sat on that face. So...
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But in the '80s, I was a straight-up dyke,
and it was different then.
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I mean, we didn't have Queer Eye.
We didn't have
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anything like that, you know?
And it was dangerous to be gay.
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It was very hard. It was like, the '80s,
and I was like, "I'm gay! I'm gay!"
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I had really heavy boots
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and cargo pants
with lots of shit in the pockets.
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Like carabiners, and D-rings,
and measuring tape, and...
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Lesbians just like to
hook shit on other shit.
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It starts with a fucking
friendship bracelet,
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and then hooking one thing
to another thing, and then it's a U-Haul.
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So you're just hooking one thing
to another thing.
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Heavy as fuck.
"I'm gay! I'm gay!"
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Bike chain, and a messenger bag,
and a CD player playing Ani DiFranco!
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And I was gay! 'Cause we were gay!
'Cause you had to be gay.
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You had to be strong! As a lesbian,
we had to be strong in the '80s,
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because our brothers, our gay men,
were dying of AIDS.
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So we had to be there for them, be strong
for them, be courageous for them.
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And they were learning how
to have safer sex and use condoms,
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so lesbians in solidarity
were using dental dams.
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There's nothing sadder
than trying to eat pussy
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through a piece of plastic.
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Just trying to gum that pussy through...
231
00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:39,523
It's like talking to the pussy in prison,
behind the glass.
232
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,233
On the phone.
233
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,698
It was dangerous to be gay.
234
00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:50,826
I got gay-bashed.
235
00:15:50,909 --> 00:15:55,956
I was gay-bashed on a date with a woman
who didn't like me.
236
00:15:57,749 --> 00:15:59,584
That is bullshit!
237
00:16:00,419 --> 00:16:04,172
If you're gay-bashed, you should be
with the love of your life.
238
00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:06,174
Not somebody that's not that into you.
239
00:16:07,259 --> 00:16:09,011
We had hooked up a bunch of times.
240
00:16:09,094 --> 00:16:10,595
And I really liked her.
241
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:13,932
And I was ready to hook some shit
onto her shit.
242
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,517
I was ready to...
243
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:19,813
introduce my cats to her cats.
244
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:30,365
So, we go out to this nightclub, and
she goes, "Oh, yeah, I don't like cats."
245
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:36,079
"What kind of dyke are you?
That-- Uh-uh, no."
246
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:40,584
I don't-- Uh-uh! That does not make
any sense to me. No, no!
247
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,503
I don't care if you're allergic,
you take Claritin for that shit.
248
00:16:43,587 --> 00:16:46,381
She's like, "I'm not that kind of dyke."
249
00:16:46,465 --> 00:16:47,924
I'm like, "I don't care
what kind of dyke!"
250
00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:52,304
And we were yelling "dyke"
so loud at each other,
251
00:16:52,387 --> 00:16:56,308
that we didn't hear the guy
calling us dykes from over here.
252
00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:02,064
So our homophobia was drowning out
his homophobia.
253
00:17:02,898 --> 00:17:08,528
And we leave, and I notice,
and he's following us.
254
00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:15,952
And he pulls a tire iron out of his
pant leg, and he starts chasing us.
255
00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:20,624
And I was like, "Oh, shit!" And I really
just wanted to push her into him
256
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:25,003
so I could buy myself some time
to run away.
257
00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:29,132
But I had to be a hero,
258
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,009
and save her, too!
259
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:35,222
So I grabbed her,
and I was trying to run.
260
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:39,851
My car was on
the other side of a dark cornfield.
261
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:44,022
Now, if you're gay,
262
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,359
don't go in the corn.
263
00:17:49,111 --> 00:17:52,114
It's very dangerous for gay people.
We don't fuck with corn.
264
00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,240
It's dark.
265
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:56,034
There's children in there.
266
00:18:00,831 --> 00:18:04,584
But I held my breath and I grabbed her,
we ran through the corn,
267
00:18:04,668 --> 00:18:07,796
we got in my car,
we just in time drove off.
268
00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:10,090
He was so mad, he barely missed us.
269
00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:11,424
He hit the back of the car.
270
00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:14,719
I had a Buick. And with the tire iron,
he hit it...
271
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:17,430
he knocked the "ick" off of the "Buick,"
it just said "Bu,"
272
00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:21,893
but we were gone,
and I was living my Tracy Chapman fantasy.
273
00:18:21,977 --> 00:18:22,811
I'm like...
274
00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:29,317
She should have really eaten my asshole
at the farmers market for that.
275
00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:30,861
I mean...
276
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:34,239
Thank you so much, I love you!
277
00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:44,958
[Bob] Once again
for the iconic Margaret Cho.
278
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:49,796
Please welcome to the stage
279
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:53,842
comedian, singer, and mother of four,
280
00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:55,260
Trixie Mattel.
281
00:19:02,726 --> 00:19:05,061
What? Oh my God, what?
282
00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:07,564
What?
283
00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:13,195
How are you, pieces of shit?
284
00:19:16,531 --> 00:19:18,325
You know I love stand-up, but...
285
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:22,037
the only problem is stand-up
is about being relatable.
286
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:26,249
And you know, I've had such
a meteoric rise to fame and fortune...
287
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,463
the only people I can really relate to
are the rich people.
288
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:35,300
Poor people up there,
Mama, I don't even know you.
289
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:41,890
The fucking cast of Les Mis,
faces covered in shit? No.
290
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:47,729
Rich people, don't look, honey,
it's horrible.
291
00:19:51,274 --> 00:19:54,277
So this song...
Yeah, this song,
292
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:56,321
goes out to all the rich people.
293
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:00,784
♪ Hey, rich people ♪
294
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,954
♪ Beautiful rich people ♪
295
00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:07,749
♪ Don't you hate it when
You double-park your boat? ♪
296
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:10,460
♪ Whoa ♪
297
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,714
♪ Hey, rich people ♪
298
00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:17,050
♪ Just you guys
Rich people ♪
299
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:23,807
♪ Don't you hate it when you spill the
Blood of the poor on your fur coat? ♪
300
00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,938
The rich people with the fur are like...
Ooooh!
301
00:20:36,528 --> 00:20:39,322
♪ You got more money
You've got more problems ♪
302
00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:43,243
♪ Can't use a hundred-dollar bill
As a condom ♪
303
00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:46,246
[sniffles and mock sobbing]
304
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:52,752
♪ Hey, rich people ♪
305
00:20:52,836 --> 00:20:55,797
♪ Just you guys
Rich people ♪
306
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,092
♪ Don't you hate it when your ring
Turns your finger green? ♪
307
00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:03,388
I'm just kidding, that doesn't happen
to us. [laughs]
308
00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:08,351
Rich.
309
00:21:11,813 --> 00:21:16,693
♪ Hey, rich people
I know you feel me, rich people ♪
310
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:21,865
♪ Don't you hate it when the hooker
Turns out to be 17? ♪
311
00:21:32,876 --> 00:21:35,211
It's like, "I'm pretty sure
I paid for 16."
312
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:51,728
♪ Hey, rich people
Just us rich people ♪
313
00:21:53,396 --> 00:21:56,733
♪ Don't you hate it when the valet
Smokes in your car? ♪
314
00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:59,069
And you have to throw
the whole thing away.
315
00:22:04,449 --> 00:22:05,825
And have them killed.
316
00:22:09,371 --> 00:22:14,125
♪ Hey, rich people
I know you feel me, rich people ♪
317
00:22:14,209 --> 00:22:18,254
♪ Don't you hate it when it's
New Year's Eve in West Hollywood? ♪
318
00:22:18,338 --> 00:22:21,007
And you're with Pamela Anderson
and Johnny Weir.
319
00:22:21,091 --> 00:22:23,802
And all of a sudden Pamela says,
"We should go to Vegas."
320
00:22:23,885 --> 00:22:26,137
And you go,
"Pamela, we haven't even packed."
321
00:22:26,221 --> 00:22:30,016
And she pulls out her Visa Platinum
card and goes, "We're packed."
322
00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:42,529
Three days later, you wake up
in front of the Bellagio Hotel
323
00:22:42,612 --> 00:22:44,447
wearing nothing but flip-flops.
324
00:22:47,450 --> 00:22:49,994
And the hooker you order passes away.
325
00:22:52,122 --> 00:22:54,666
♪ And you have to change your name ♪
326
00:22:58,211 --> 00:22:59,838
To Trixie Mattel.
327
00:23:04,801 --> 00:23:07,720
♪ You got more money
And things get harder ♪
328
00:23:07,804 --> 00:23:10,348
♪ Ask a celebrity like me ♪
329
00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:12,517
Or Jennifer Garner.
330
00:23:13,643 --> 00:23:15,186
[whimpers] Oh.
331
00:23:16,980 --> 00:23:20,483
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, rich people ♪
332
00:23:22,694 --> 00:23:24,904
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa... ♪
333
00:23:26,990 --> 00:23:28,783
[sniffles and mumbles]
334
00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:30,994
[plays final guitar chord]
335
00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:34,122
Thank you, goodnight!
336
00:23:42,589 --> 00:23:44,257
[Billy] Trixie Mattel!
337
00:23:46,968 --> 00:23:50,013
Our next comedian manages to star
in her new movie on Hulu
338
00:23:50,096 --> 00:23:52,640
without wearing
even one problematic fat suit.
339
00:23:52,724 --> 00:23:56,769
Give it up for my friend,
Joel Kim Booster!
340
00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:05,236
How are we doing?
Are we doing okay, you guys?
341
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:06,654
Happy?
342
00:24:06,738 --> 00:24:09,199
Oh, man, I'm doing okay.
I got to be honest with you,
343
00:24:09,282 --> 00:24:10,992
I'm very stressed out all the time.
344
00:24:11,075 --> 00:24:13,536
There's a lot of bad stuff
going on in the world.
345
00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:16,539
I'm very stressed out. I'm so stressed
out, that recently I watched
346
00:24:16,623 --> 00:24:20,460
a 20-minute-long YouTube video
on how to survive a nuclear blast.
347
00:24:21,836 --> 00:24:25,131
And the first piece of advice
the video had to offer
348
00:24:25,215 --> 00:24:28,927
was not living in a city
that would be nuked in the first place.
349
00:24:29,469 --> 00:24:32,013
Which honestly feels
a little victim-blame-y...
350
00:24:33,932 --> 00:24:36,684
But here's the thing about me,
you guys, is...
351
00:24:37,477 --> 00:24:41,397
I have no interest in living in a city
that wouldn't be nuked, okay?
352
00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:42,649
I just...
353
00:24:43,316 --> 00:24:45,526
Not for me. A city that wouldn't be nuked
354
00:24:45,610 --> 00:24:49,030
doesn't feel like it would have
a bustling gay community.
355
00:24:50,406 --> 00:24:54,035
Like, if your city isn't on a list
somewhere in a foreign country,
356
00:24:54,118 --> 00:24:56,287
I'm not going to Pride there,
all right?
357
00:24:57,622 --> 00:25:01,960
Oh, my God, I'm so glad I am not on
the market anymore, I am happily taken,
358
00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:03,586
I have a boyfriend!
359
00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:06,047
Who in here is in love?
360
00:25:07,006 --> 00:25:08,091
Yeah.
361
00:25:08,925 --> 00:25:10,635
Do you hear how happy we sound?
362
00:25:11,886 --> 00:25:13,179
It's amazing. Yeah.
363
00:25:13,263 --> 00:25:15,265
I love my boyfriend so much.
He's my soulmate.
364
00:25:15,348 --> 00:25:19,978
But I will say, there is
just one little issue with him
365
00:25:20,061 --> 00:25:22,730
and that is that he is...
366
00:25:22,814 --> 00:25:24,274
white. Oooh!
367
00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:28,778
But don't worry, he is one of the ones
who's like, "I'm sorry!"
368
00:25:31,114 --> 00:25:33,324
He feels worse about it than I do.
369
00:25:35,994 --> 00:25:39,455
He is white, but on any given night
he does have
370
00:25:39,539 --> 00:25:42,917
a little bit of Asian DNA in him.
Hey-oh!
371
00:25:43,626 --> 00:25:45,795
Yes, yes, yes!
372
00:25:45,878 --> 00:25:48,172
Yes! Oh, he hates that joke.
373
00:25:50,008 --> 00:25:52,260
But he is the bottom,
so he has to take it.
374
00:25:53,303 --> 00:25:54,470
Yeah.
375
00:25:54,554 --> 00:25:57,432
But now we're in love with each other
and it's wonderful,
376
00:25:57,515 --> 00:26:00,560
but I don't feel like
I've gotten any less crazy.
377
00:26:00,643 --> 00:26:04,063
I still say all kinds of crazy shit
to him. Like, the other morning,
378
00:26:04,147 --> 00:26:08,443
I woke up in bed and I rolled over,
and I was like, "Hey, babe.
379
00:26:09,694 --> 00:26:12,530
I'm either going to marry you
or murder you."
380
00:26:14,824 --> 00:26:17,160
And he was like,
[nervously] "Ha-ha...
381
00:26:20,830 --> 00:26:22,123
What's that from?"
382
00:26:23,708 --> 00:26:26,336
And I was like,
"My brain, you know. That's it."
383
00:26:26,419 --> 00:26:29,714
But I think he likes the crazy.
I think he enjoys the crazy a little bit
384
00:26:29,797 --> 00:26:33,051
because he does crazy things.
Like, he's a Burning Man guy.
385
00:26:33,134 --> 00:26:36,262
Any Burners in the audience?
Good, we can talk shit. Okay.
386
00:26:36,846 --> 00:26:39,307
No, I am excited to go
to Burning Man with him,
387
00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:42,393
but he did take me to a Burning Man
retreat to sort of prepare me for
388
00:26:42,477 --> 00:26:45,396
Burning Man. And after a weekend
with Burning Man people,
389
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:48,149
I did walk away with this observation,
which is just...
390
00:26:48,232 --> 00:26:50,651
it's just so sad that straight people,
391
00:26:50,735 --> 00:26:53,154
you have to do all that
just to be gay.
392
00:26:53,237 --> 00:26:54,405
You know? Like...
393
00:26:55,073 --> 00:26:58,326
Oh, my God, you're dressing up in
costumes and doing a bunch of drugs,
394
00:26:58,409 --> 00:27:00,495
and then burning a man on fire,
and it's like,
395
00:27:00,578 --> 00:27:03,373
"That's Friday on WeHo, babe, okay?"
396
00:27:03,456 --> 00:27:05,416
Like, get a cooler hobby!
397
00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:07,960
I'm Joel Kim Booster, you guys have
been fucking fantastic!
398
00:27:08,044 --> 00:27:09,295
Have a great night!
399
00:27:10,755 --> 00:27:16,219
[Bob] This next comedian is the star of
Bust Down. Please welcome Sam Jay.
400
00:27:16,302 --> 00:27:17,345
Hiya!
401
00:27:18,012 --> 00:27:21,015
I just got in yesterday,
I flew in from New York.
402
00:27:21,099 --> 00:27:26,020
And on the plane,
two white ladies got in a fight
403
00:27:26,813 --> 00:27:29,107
over a service dog.
404
00:27:30,566 --> 00:27:34,946
And then the TSA lady
let my girl get her lotion through,
405
00:27:35,029 --> 00:27:38,324
so... it was a dope day.
I was like, "Yeah.
406
00:27:40,868 --> 00:27:42,829
Shit's all right, shit's all right."
407
00:27:44,705 --> 00:27:47,625
I'm engaged.
I got engaged on my birthday.
408
00:27:49,293 --> 00:27:50,253
Yeah.
409
00:27:51,546 --> 00:27:54,173
Going to get married or whatever. Yup.
410
00:27:55,383 --> 00:27:57,260
Doing it, fucking doing it.
411
00:27:58,219 --> 00:28:00,847
It's cool, we're in therapy.
We're in couples therapy
412
00:28:00,930 --> 00:28:02,682
because we really want
to do it for real,
413
00:28:02,765 --> 00:28:05,810
so we were like, "Let's get
in couples therapy and work on our shit."
414
00:28:05,893 --> 00:28:08,563
I love that. I love couples therapy
more than I thought I would
415
00:28:08,646 --> 00:28:10,731
because like,
I have a place to bring arguments.
416
00:28:10,815 --> 00:28:11,941
So now...
417
00:28:12,483 --> 00:28:15,027
I never thought about it that way,
but that's all it is.
418
00:28:15,111 --> 00:28:17,780
I pay a bitch to bring an argument to her.
419
00:28:17,864 --> 00:28:21,826
So, I don't even argue no more,
and she starts saying stuff,
420
00:28:21,909 --> 00:28:25,455
I'm like, "No, saving this for Lisa."
I just go live my life.
421
00:28:26,706 --> 00:28:29,333
I just go have my day,
like, I don't even care,
422
00:28:29,417 --> 00:28:32,044
because on Tuesday,
I'm bringing all this shit up.
423
00:28:34,046 --> 00:28:37,133
I'm trying to compromise,
so I've become a hold-the-door nigga,
424
00:28:37,216 --> 00:28:40,970
I'm a hold-the-door nigga now.
That's my new life, I hold the door,
425
00:28:41,053 --> 00:28:44,056
I wait and I hold the door open
because it was a whole fight.
426
00:28:44,140 --> 00:28:46,684
I had a whole big fight
because I didn't hold the door.
427
00:28:47,101 --> 00:28:50,396
She told me I was an inconsiderate
piece of shit, I don't hold the door...
428
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,482
What kind of person doesn't hold the door?
429
00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:55,985
It was very confusing for me, because
she has arms, and I was like...
430
00:28:57,278 --> 00:29:00,281
You're grown. I thought
you could do that on your own.
431
00:29:01,073 --> 00:29:02,742
This is so dumb.
432
00:29:08,247 --> 00:29:12,168
But now I do it, I hold the door,
I stand there, I hold the fucking-- argh!
433
00:29:15,505 --> 00:29:17,632
We just recently went to the theater,
434
00:29:18,508 --> 00:29:22,428
and I took her to see a musical
because, I don't know, she likes them.
435
00:29:22,512 --> 00:29:24,013
They're dumb.
She likes them.
436
00:29:25,056 --> 00:29:27,391
I don't know, they're for stupid people.
I hate...
437
00:29:27,475 --> 00:29:29,977
Musicals are for stupid people.
We can't all agree to that?
438
00:29:30,061 --> 00:29:34,982
Oh, I'm sorry, it's a room full of gays.
My bad.
439
00:29:36,442 --> 00:29:39,654
They're for dummies. Why are you
singing me problems? I'm an adult.
440
00:29:39,737 --> 00:29:45,493
Don't... Just tell me what's wrong.
Why are you putting this problem to song?
441
00:29:46,452 --> 00:29:51,541
But anyway, we're at the theater,
and we're sitting in orchestra.
442
00:29:51,624 --> 00:29:54,377
And if you've ever been to Broadway,
everybody sits down,
443
00:29:54,460 --> 00:29:56,796
that's how Broadway works,
everybody who pays sits down,
444
00:29:56,879 --> 00:29:58,548
and then the poor people come in,
445
00:29:58,631 --> 00:30:05,513
and they fill in the seats with the poor
people, and it's like a poor lottery.
446
00:30:05,596 --> 00:30:06,514
Right?
447
00:30:06,597 --> 00:30:09,183
There's seats, and it's just like,
"Go, go, go!"
448
00:30:09,267 --> 00:30:12,144
It becomes like the border,
they're splitting up families and shit.
449
00:30:12,228 --> 00:30:14,146
Like, "This way, that way!"
450
00:30:15,356 --> 00:30:16,524
So...
451
00:30:17,692 --> 00:30:20,194
So we're sitting there,
and they're getting down to it,
452
00:30:20,278 --> 00:30:23,531
and there's this dude and this lady.
And there's only one seat
453
00:30:23,614 --> 00:30:24,991
and it's right next to us.
454
00:30:25,074 --> 00:30:27,326
He goes, "Who's it going to be?"
Of course, he goes,
455
00:30:27,410 --> 00:30:29,912
"Go baby, leave me!"
She's like, "I love you!"
456
00:30:29,996 --> 00:30:34,000
She comes and she sits down
next to us.
457
00:30:34,083 --> 00:30:35,668
And my girl looks at me and goes,
458
00:30:35,751 --> 00:30:39,422
"Oh, babe, you never do anything
like that for me."
459
00:30:40,673 --> 00:30:45,720
And it's like, "Bitch, I made myself
a nigga who could afford two tickets.
460
00:30:47,346 --> 00:30:50,433
That's what I did for you."
Bye.
461
00:30:51,559 --> 00:30:54,687
[Bob] All right, once again for Sam Jay.
462
00:30:55,771 --> 00:31:00,610
Now, please welcome
the divine Sarah Paulson!
463
00:31:12,914 --> 00:31:14,206
Oh, my God!
464
00:31:14,874 --> 00:31:15,958
What?
465
00:31:20,004 --> 00:31:21,672
Thank you.
466
00:31:25,509 --> 00:31:30,806
I was a huge fan of Tig Notaro
before I ever got to meet her.
467
00:31:33,142 --> 00:31:37,772
The first time I met her was at a party,
and I totally fangirled over her,
468
00:31:37,855 --> 00:31:40,775
and she totally fucking ignored me.
469
00:31:42,693 --> 00:31:46,572
When I was finally cool enough for her
to acknowledge my existence,
470
00:31:46,656 --> 00:31:49,742
she asked me to do her podcast,
which resulted in my
471
00:31:49,825 --> 00:31:53,245
collapsing into a fit of hysterics,
the kind where you fear
472
00:31:53,329 --> 00:31:55,665
you might never recover.
But the kind where
473
00:31:55,748 --> 00:31:59,710
"death by Tig Notaro laugh attack"
feels like a real win.
474
00:31:59,794 --> 00:32:02,838
And Tig does it to all of us,
which is probably why
475
00:32:02,922 --> 00:32:07,969
she's been nominated for an Emmy,
not to mention Grammys,
476
00:32:08,052 --> 00:32:11,722
a GLAAD award, a Writer's Guild award,
and the Critic's Choice award.
477
00:32:12,390 --> 00:32:16,644
By the way, the fangirl in me is freaking
out that she thinks I am cool enough
478
00:32:16,727 --> 00:32:20,481
to introduce her. So please welcome,
a hilarious comedian,
479
00:32:20,564 --> 00:32:22,817
an incredible ambassador
for the community,
480
00:32:22,900 --> 00:32:24,568
Tig Notaro.
481
00:32:36,747 --> 00:32:40,584
Let's hear it for the incredible
Sarah Paulson.
482
00:32:40,668 --> 00:32:43,045
I don't know where to go.
Do I go this way?
483
00:32:43,546 --> 00:32:45,673
-You can hang out.
-Oh...
484
00:32:45,756 --> 00:32:48,843
-That's okay.
-I love having awkward moments with you.
485
00:32:48,926 --> 00:32:51,303
We've had a lot of them.
486
00:32:51,387 --> 00:32:53,973
-We've had a few.
-Okay. Well...
487
00:32:54,056 --> 00:32:56,017
-You're great.
-Thanks.
488
00:32:57,226 --> 00:32:58,936
-Have fun.
-I will.
489
00:32:59,020 --> 00:33:00,354
[Sarah] Okay.
490
00:33:01,439 --> 00:33:04,608
-Where you headed?
-I-- I don't know.
491
00:33:06,235 --> 00:33:09,530
I'm... contractually...
492
00:33:12,366 --> 00:33:14,243
-I love you, Sarah Paulson.
-I love you, too.
493
00:33:14,326 --> 00:33:15,661
[Tig] Thank you so much.
494
00:33:19,206 --> 00:33:23,836
I mean, how do I follow
the person introducing me?
495
00:33:26,130 --> 00:33:30,801
I am so happy to be here
for many different reasons.
496
00:33:31,677 --> 00:33:35,681
One, I had gone with my wife
this one night
497
00:33:35,765 --> 00:33:39,018
to a movie premier.
498
00:33:39,101 --> 00:33:43,481
And came home with a terrible pain
in my stomach,
499
00:33:43,564 --> 00:33:47,443
and I just thought,
"I'm sure this is no big deal.
500
00:33:48,152 --> 00:33:52,281
My health issues always end up
not being anything, anyway.
501
00:33:53,574 --> 00:33:55,910
So I'm sure this is also nothing."
502
00:33:56,994 --> 00:34:02,083
And my wife Stephanie said, "You know,
I don't think we should take any chances,
503
00:34:02,166 --> 00:34:05,669
so I'm going to call 911
since you can't walk."
504
00:34:06,879 --> 00:34:12,593
And she did, and I'm telling you,
general admission at the Greek,
505
00:34:12,676 --> 00:34:19,475
a gigantic fireman showed up
at our bedroom door.
506
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:26,065
He was huge. He was over six feet tall,
muscles out to here,
507
00:34:26,774 --> 00:34:32,863
fireman pants, suspenders,
no shirt.
508
00:34:36,951 --> 00:34:41,205
Meanwhile, I'm feeling so vulnerable
lying in bed,
509
00:34:41,288 --> 00:34:48,170
and I'm in a lot of pain.
Also, I'm in my nightgown, and...
510
00:34:51,048 --> 00:34:52,883
You think I wear a nightgown?
511
00:34:56,929 --> 00:34:59,181
You think I wear a nightgown?
512
00:35:00,599 --> 00:35:02,893
Me, it's me, your friend Tig.
513
00:35:04,937 --> 00:35:09,817
Anyway, so I'm in bed, and he says,
"I understand you're in pain,
514
00:35:09,900 --> 00:35:14,655
and I want you to know
there is an ambulance outside
515
00:35:14,738 --> 00:35:16,323
if you do need it."
516
00:35:16,407 --> 00:35:20,703
And I said,
"Here's the thing. I'm in so much pain,
517
00:35:20,786 --> 00:35:23,455
I don't even know if I can walk."
518
00:35:23,539 --> 00:35:26,625
And he said, "That is not a problem."
519
00:35:28,043 --> 00:35:34,300
And he scooped me up in his arms,
and right then I was like,
520
00:35:34,383 --> 00:35:37,261
"Ho-ho! I could get used to this!"
521
00:35:38,387 --> 00:35:40,472
Bada-bing, bada-boom!
522
00:35:41,390 --> 00:35:44,977
Right then I was like,
"Oh, I get it now."
523
00:35:51,483 --> 00:35:54,695
If you think you're shocked,
how do you think I felt?
524
00:35:57,114 --> 00:36:00,492
I think we all know
that that's not my typical type.
525
00:36:01,827 --> 00:36:03,162
Mm-mm.
526
00:36:03,245 --> 00:36:06,832
And here's something else I didn't know.
527
00:36:08,375 --> 00:36:11,962
I didn't know I was into...
Well, he had a mustache.
528
00:36:13,047 --> 00:36:15,758
It wasn't just a mustache,
it was one of these.
529
00:36:19,386 --> 00:36:20,638
Yes, please.
530
00:36:22,890 --> 00:36:28,479
Anyway, he picks me up,
and I'm like, I'm in his arms
531
00:36:28,562 --> 00:36:33,359
just dangling,
nightgown flowing in the wind,
532
00:36:35,694 --> 00:36:38,197
and he's carrying me down the hallway,
533
00:36:39,073 --> 00:36:43,118
and we're passing our sons' bedroom,
and I said, "Listen,
534
00:36:43,911 --> 00:36:47,915
could you do me a favor and be really
quiet when we go past this door?
535
00:36:47,998 --> 00:36:53,712
Because if my sons wake up and see this,
they're going to be shocked
536
00:36:53,796 --> 00:36:58,759
on so many different levels."
And he was incredible about it.
537
00:36:58,842 --> 00:37:04,640
You know how he is.
He is the best, just classic him.
538
00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:08,519
He started just tiptoeing
down the hall.
539
00:37:09,603 --> 00:37:14,733
We go down the stairs. My father-in-law
lives with us and he tip-toes past
540
00:37:14,817 --> 00:37:17,820
my father-in-law, who's standing
at the foot of the steps,
541
00:37:17,903 --> 00:37:21,365
and then Stephanie opens the door
to our house, he carries me
542
00:37:21,448 --> 00:37:25,286
out of the house, and I was just like,
"Goodbye, old life!"
543
00:37:33,002 --> 00:37:37,715
And he brought me out and gently
placed me on the gurney,
544
00:37:38,882 --> 00:37:40,676
kissed me on the forehead,
545
00:37:47,057 --> 00:37:49,184
pushed me into the back
of the ambulance,
546
00:37:49,268 --> 00:37:53,522
closes the doors, and then wouldn't
you know it, there's a knock.
547
00:37:54,231 --> 00:37:56,525
And I was like, "Oh, God.
548
00:37:56,608 --> 00:38:00,779
Hey, apparently my 'roommate'...
549
00:38:07,703 --> 00:38:13,959
is worried about me and wants
to join us on the ride to the hospital.
550
00:38:15,794 --> 00:38:17,629
Thanks a lot, Stephanie."
551
00:38:20,549 --> 00:38:22,176
Total buzzkill.
552
00:38:23,677 --> 00:38:27,097
But as I suspected, it ended up
not being a big deal.
553
00:38:27,181 --> 00:38:31,518
It was just internal bleeding,
and then a couple of weeks later,
554
00:38:31,602 --> 00:38:33,187
I was at a party,
555
00:38:33,270 --> 00:38:39,151
and I was telling all the people
about this hot fireman.
556
00:38:39,485 --> 00:38:44,239
And I said, "You should have seen this
guy, he was like, over six feet tall,
557
00:38:44,323 --> 00:38:49,286
muscles out to here, mustache..."
I was just going on and on about
558
00:38:49,370 --> 00:38:53,123
how sexy this guy was.
Stephanie walks up,
559
00:38:53,207 --> 00:38:58,379
overhearing the conversation,
and has this look of disgust on her face.
560
00:38:59,129 --> 00:39:05,594
And she said, "I'm sorry,
but you thought that guy was hot?"
561
00:39:06,136 --> 00:39:12,267
And I was like, "Uh, yeah.
This is not a matter of opinion.
562
00:39:13,352 --> 00:39:15,187
This is a matter of fact."
563
00:39:16,271 --> 00:39:21,860
And I don't know if any of you
have experienced this,
564
00:39:21,944 --> 00:39:28,158
but there is nothing more awkward
than finding out
565
00:39:28,242 --> 00:39:33,622
in a social situation
that you and your wife
566
00:39:33,705 --> 00:39:36,875
have completely different
taste in men.
567
00:39:38,752 --> 00:39:40,462
Thank you so much.
568
00:39:41,296 --> 00:39:44,133
You're the best!
Thank you. Thank you.
569
00:39:46,009 --> 00:39:47,094
Goodnight!
570
00:39:48,345 --> 00:39:50,681
[Bob] Tig Notaro, everybody.
571
00:39:53,016 --> 00:39:56,311
Please give a big, gay welcome
to Scott Thompson
572
00:39:56,395 --> 00:40:00,023
as the legendary Buddy Cole!
573
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:04,653
Bonsoir, mes amis.
574
00:40:06,155 --> 00:40:10,617
First off, this is not because of COVID.
575
00:40:11,243 --> 00:40:14,037
Yes, I am positive. Please!
576
00:40:14,121 --> 00:40:18,167
I'm literally shedding virus
like a Head and Shoulders ad. But...
577
00:40:18,917 --> 00:40:23,213
No, this is for a part.
Let me explain.
578
00:40:24,006 --> 00:40:26,300
-[cocktail piano music playing]
-Recently...
579
00:40:29,386 --> 00:40:31,221
What's so funny about "recently"?
580
00:40:31,972 --> 00:40:33,807
That's just like yesterday.
581
00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:39,271
Recently, I was offered one
of those once-in-a-lifetime roles
582
00:40:39,354 --> 00:40:41,273
that every actor dreams of.
583
00:40:41,857 --> 00:40:43,942
But of course it came with a price.
584
00:40:44,443 --> 00:40:48,280
I'll never forget the director turning
to me in the back seat
585
00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:52,743
of his bulletproof party limo
and saying, "Buddy,
586
00:40:53,285 --> 00:40:57,664
I'm going to ask you to do things
in my project that are painful.
587
00:40:58,415 --> 00:41:01,627
Maybe even degrading."
"I'm listening."
588
00:41:03,629 --> 00:41:08,133
I told him that I would do
anything he wanted,
589
00:41:08,217 --> 00:41:11,261
that I would be his clay.
590
00:41:11,762 --> 00:41:13,931
Little did I know...
591
00:41:15,307 --> 00:41:16,475
I know.
592
00:41:20,771 --> 00:41:22,689
It's worse than degrading!
593
00:41:23,857 --> 00:41:25,609
It's masculine!
594
00:41:27,694 --> 00:41:29,279
I'm Buddy Cole.
595
00:41:29,363 --> 00:41:31,740
I'm a beloved camp character
596
00:41:31,823 --> 00:41:36,620
with a signature clean-shaven look.
I can't have a mustache.
597
00:41:36,703 --> 00:41:40,165
I also can't have a 36-inch waist,
and yet here we are.
598
00:41:41,959 --> 00:41:45,379
And just for the record, if you go out
through this pandemic
599
00:41:45,462 --> 00:41:48,882
without gaining any weight,
I hope you at least have the decency
600
00:41:48,966 --> 00:41:50,342
to lose your mind!
601
00:41:55,973 --> 00:42:00,811
So I guess I'm a bear now, hmm?
A bear.
602
00:42:02,062 --> 00:42:04,022
A bear with a copstache.
603
00:42:05,107 --> 00:42:07,943
And when I do finally
shave this thing off,
604
00:42:08,026 --> 00:42:10,529
I'm gonna call it
"defunding the police."
605
00:42:12,990 --> 00:42:16,118
So why the mustache, you ask?
Well...
606
00:42:16,201 --> 00:42:20,706
I can't say too much,
because I signed an NDA or...
607
00:42:20,789 --> 00:42:24,042
DNR, I'm not sure.
I don't know...
608
00:42:27,963 --> 00:42:30,465
I just remember that it was in blood,
609
00:42:31,550 --> 00:42:35,429
and we signed it on the director's
super-yacht in international waters,
610
00:42:35,512 --> 00:42:36,847
so it felt legit.
611
00:42:38,056 --> 00:42:42,311
The director-slash-producer
slash-oligarch
612
00:42:42,394 --> 00:42:46,106
is a billionaire obsessed
with 1970s gay porn
613
00:42:46,523 --> 00:42:51,486
who has decided that the best way to spend
his ill-begotten Dogecoin
614
00:42:51,570 --> 00:42:55,741
is to do a shot-for-shot remake
of the greatest erotic gay films
615
00:42:55,824 --> 00:42:58,577
of that era for his personal spank bank.
616
00:42:59,620 --> 00:43:01,663
Thus the pornstache.
617
00:43:02,456 --> 00:43:05,959
Right now we're in the middle of shooting
a recreation of William Higgins'
618
00:43:06,043 --> 00:43:11,673
masterpiece, Brothers Should Do It,
starring Jon King and J.W. King.
619
00:43:11,757 --> 00:43:16,345
Interesting fact. They were not
brothers in real life. No.
620
00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:18,639
Just on screen.
621
00:43:18,722 --> 00:43:22,142
I'm very excited.
Because I will be playing both brothers.
622
00:43:22,225 --> 00:43:26,229
Which means I will be topping
and bottoming in the same scene.
623
00:43:28,231 --> 00:43:31,276
A practice known in the business
as parent trapping.
624
00:43:34,571 --> 00:43:36,740
I'd say recently,
but it would trigger you.
625
00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:41,370
Bonsoir!
626
00:43:42,954 --> 00:43:44,790
[Bob] Give it up for Scott Thompson.
627
00:43:45,624 --> 00:43:49,211
Our next performer
is the co-creator of Bob Hearts Abishola.
628
00:43:49,419 --> 00:43:52,673
Please welcome Gina Yashere!
629
00:43:52,756 --> 00:43:57,761
What's happening, people?
I'm Gina, I'm from London, yes.
630
00:43:57,886 --> 00:44:00,597
And I've moved back to Los Angeles!
631
00:44:01,890 --> 00:44:06,353
And I've become truly
a super L.A. lesbian.
632
00:44:06,770 --> 00:44:09,398
I was never an animal lover.
I'm from an African family.
633
00:44:09,481 --> 00:44:11,024
My family's Nigerian.
634
00:44:11,108 --> 00:44:13,694
We weren't allowed to have pets
when we were kids.
635
00:44:13,777 --> 00:44:17,030
My mom was like, "Dogs, no,
they are dirty, and stink,
636
00:44:17,114 --> 00:44:20,325
and leave hair everywhere.
And shit everywhere. No dogs.
637
00:44:21,076 --> 00:44:22,452
Cats! Oh, no.
638
00:44:22,536 --> 00:44:26,289
They are dirty and smell and leave hair
all over the place. No cats!
639
00:44:27,708 --> 00:44:28,750
Goldfish!
640
00:44:29,668 --> 00:44:31,128
I don't like their eyes."
641
00:44:33,463 --> 00:44:35,465
My mom actually said that shit.
642
00:44:36,717 --> 00:44:38,385
So I was never an animal lover.
643
00:44:38,468 --> 00:44:41,012
I didn't like animals, I didn't.
I got chased and bitten
644
00:44:41,096 --> 00:44:43,140
by a racist dog when I was seven.
645
00:44:44,307 --> 00:44:46,685
I was like, "Fuck these animals,
no animals."
646
00:44:47,936 --> 00:44:50,230
But I've become a super L.A. lesbian,
I'll tell you why.
647
00:44:50,313 --> 00:44:52,983
I've been with my missus Nina
for eight years.
648
00:44:53,984 --> 00:44:55,610
Yeah!
649
00:44:58,613 --> 00:45:01,741
Hard-core animal lover, Nina.
Hard-core.
650
00:45:01,825 --> 00:45:04,453
For seven years, non-stop,
she begged me.
651
00:45:04,536 --> 00:45:09,624
"We got to get a dog. I want a dog!"
"No dogs! You know who you're with."
652
00:45:09,708 --> 00:45:11,168
"Dogs, no!"
653
00:45:12,043 --> 00:45:14,337
About a year and a half ago,
she turns to me and goes,
654
00:45:14,421 --> 00:45:17,215
"You know what? I want a baby."
655
00:45:18,967 --> 00:45:21,678
I was like, "You know what?
We should get a dog. Let's get a dog.
656
00:45:21,761 --> 00:45:24,681
Should we get a dog? Let's get a dog.
Let's get a dog."
657
00:45:31,771 --> 00:45:33,315
And now we've got a dog!
658
00:45:35,984 --> 00:45:38,653
Her name is Kemi.
I named her after
659
00:45:38,737 --> 00:45:41,990
the character I play on my TV show
because I'm a fucking narcissist.
660
00:45:42,073 --> 00:45:46,995
And she's a cute little mini
Australian shepherd.
661
00:45:48,288 --> 00:45:52,000
The cutest. Her fur is black.
Black fur. Because like,
662
00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:55,295
if we're getting a dog,
I'm not walking around with no
663
00:45:55,378 --> 00:45:57,547
Aryan-looking fucking dog.
664
00:45:59,633 --> 00:46:01,134
I want a black dog!
665
00:46:01,968 --> 00:46:03,845
I want a dog that looks like me!
666
00:46:04,596 --> 00:46:06,556
When I walk down that street
with that dog
667
00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:08,475
they know that that is my dog!
668
00:46:09,768 --> 00:46:11,436
Kemi is a black dog!
669
00:46:12,062 --> 00:46:14,439
I walk with her like,
"Come on, Kemi, come on, dog.
670
00:46:14,523 --> 00:46:16,733
If I'm getting shot by the police,
so are you.
671
00:46:16,816 --> 00:46:19,694
We're in this together, dog.
Let's fucking go, dog. Let's go."
672
00:46:24,658 --> 00:46:26,284
I love this dog so much.
673
00:46:26,368 --> 00:46:30,372
She takes a shit,
I put my hand in a bag.
674
00:46:32,415 --> 00:46:34,584
And I pick up her warm shit!
675
00:46:36,294 --> 00:46:39,673
I love my girlfriend, but I'm not putting
a bag on my hand,
676
00:46:39,756 --> 00:46:43,009
and picking up my girlfriend's shit,
I don't love her like I love that dog!
677
00:46:45,136 --> 00:46:47,597
It gets worse, people.
It gets worse.
678
00:46:48,431 --> 00:46:52,936
So recently, I was on Facebook,
and I wanted to post a picture
679
00:46:53,019 --> 00:46:55,814
of my dog Kemi in her birthday hat.
680
00:46:56,690 --> 00:47:00,026
Yeah, I fucking said that!
I put my dog in a birthday hat!
681
00:47:01,152 --> 00:47:04,364
And I went on the page of the lady
who I got the dog from
682
00:47:04,447 --> 00:47:07,701
to post a picture of Kemi
in her birthday hat.
683
00:47:07,784 --> 00:47:10,203
So that her siblings around the country...
684
00:47:11,580 --> 00:47:13,915
I can't believe I'm saying
this shit in public.
685
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:18,086
So that her siblings around the country
could celebrate
686
00:47:18,795 --> 00:47:20,171
their birthdays together.
687
00:47:20,255 --> 00:47:25,427
And then I saw this other cute little
Australian shepherd.
688
00:47:26,720 --> 00:47:28,805
And he looked just like Kemi!
689
00:47:29,306 --> 00:47:31,433
And I was like, "He's related."
690
00:47:31,975 --> 00:47:35,353
Now, a year ago, I couldn't tell
the difference between
691
00:47:35,437 --> 00:47:37,397
a fucking horse and a chihuahua.
692
00:47:38,815 --> 00:47:42,694
But now, I saw another
Australian shepherd,
693
00:47:42,777 --> 00:47:47,657
and I looked at that dog, and I knew
immediately that he was related to my dog.
694
00:47:47,741 --> 00:47:50,994
And I message the woman, I said,
"This dog...
695
00:47:53,413 --> 00:47:56,583
Is he related to my dog?"
And she was like, "Yes,
696
00:47:56,666 --> 00:47:58,668
they have the same father."
697
00:48:00,754 --> 00:48:05,342
And I was like, "Is he available?"
698
00:48:08,595 --> 00:48:11,473
Long story short,
we got two fucking dogs now!
699
00:48:11,556 --> 00:48:15,185
We got two dogs!
What the hell have I become?
700
00:48:15,268 --> 00:48:16,645
Thank you very much, boys and girls!
701
00:48:16,728 --> 00:48:19,856
I'm Gina Yashere. Thank you. Thank you.
Goodnight.
702
00:48:24,194 --> 00:48:28,239
And now, please put your hands
together for my dear friend,
703
00:48:28,323 --> 00:48:29,991
Matteo Lane!
704
00:48:38,333 --> 00:48:41,002
-We look like Bowser and Mario.
-We do.
705
00:48:41,503 --> 00:48:45,298
Hi, everyone. Give it up
for Monét X Change.
706
00:48:46,966 --> 00:48:48,802
Keep my sister's name...
707
00:48:52,806 --> 00:48:54,724
It's so nice outside,
I'm glad I wore a sweater.
708
00:48:54,808 --> 00:48:56,309
ASOS, 20 dollars.
709
00:48:57,769 --> 00:49:01,648
First of all, I'm slightly jet-lagged,
I just got back from Italy, and...
710
00:49:01,731 --> 00:49:05,568
Grazie. And...
Is anyone here from Italy?
711
00:49:05,652 --> 00:49:07,070
Not New Jersey.
712
00:49:08,405 --> 00:49:10,782
Ah, ché Italiani, benvenuti.
713
00:49:10,865 --> 00:49:14,411
My favorite thing about Italians
is... I love going to a country
714
00:49:14,494 --> 00:49:16,496
where I look straight, and...
715
00:49:22,585 --> 00:49:24,921
I look like I'm crushing pussy in Italy.
716
00:49:29,050 --> 00:49:31,344
So different, though.
Straight dating, gay dating.
717
00:49:31,428 --> 00:49:35,140
I just feel so bad for all my girlfriends.
Women have a real tough time.
718
00:49:35,223 --> 00:49:38,059
The thing about it, is like,
I look at my girlfriends' phones,
719
00:49:38,143 --> 00:49:40,353
and the conversations that they have
to have with men to make...
720
00:49:40,437 --> 00:49:43,106
Like a screening process,
to make sure that men aren't crazy?
721
00:49:43,189 --> 00:49:45,400
I looked at my girlfriend's phone,
she was talking to this guy,
722
00:49:45,483 --> 00:49:48,653
literally one of the questions
she asked was, "Do you have friends?"
723
00:49:56,995 --> 00:49:58,830
What are you talking about?
724
00:49:59,706 --> 00:50:03,042
Friends? First of all, for me,
my screening process,
725
00:50:03,126 --> 00:50:06,421
if I'm talking to you and your grammar
is pretty good, I'll fuck you.
726
00:50:09,132 --> 00:50:13,303
Oh, if you know how to use a semicolon...
get in this colon. I am...
727
00:50:14,304 --> 00:50:15,305
Yes.
728
00:50:16,055 --> 00:50:17,390
Desperate.
729
00:50:17,474 --> 00:50:20,393
It's so weird though, these conversations
we're having with people.
730
00:50:20,477 --> 00:50:23,438
Because Grindr, I mean...
my straight friends are like,
731
00:50:23,521 --> 00:50:25,732
"Tinder, it's the same thing."
It's not the same thing.
732
00:50:25,815 --> 00:50:28,234
You have to match somebody else
on those apps to talk to them.
733
00:50:28,318 --> 00:50:30,361
Grindr is just location.
If they're close to you,
734
00:50:30,445 --> 00:50:32,155
they can send you anything they want.
735
00:50:32,238 --> 00:50:35,366
Dick pics, wherever they are.
The app should be called Murder Me.
736
00:50:38,828 --> 00:50:41,748
And it's strange, you just have
this stranger in your home,
737
00:50:41,831 --> 00:50:43,583
you don't know who these people are.
738
00:50:43,666 --> 00:50:46,419
Awkward conversations...
"Well, do you want to watch TV?"
739
00:50:46,503 --> 00:50:48,296
"Sure, we'll watch TV."
This guy was like,
740
00:50:48,379 --> 00:50:51,216
"Do you want to watch TV?" "Sure."
He puts on Lilo and Stitch.
741
00:50:53,259 --> 00:50:56,304
Great movie, but it is weird
to be blowing someone,
742
00:50:56,387 --> 00:50:59,432
and then in the background
you hear, "Ohana means family."
743
00:51:02,393 --> 00:51:04,062
All right, thank you so much, everybody!
744
00:51:04,145 --> 00:51:05,605
Have a great rest of your night!
745
00:51:10,151 --> 00:51:13,655
Shelley said that poets are
the unacknowledged legislators
746
00:51:13,738 --> 00:51:14,906
of the world.
747
00:51:14,989 --> 00:51:17,617
And that may have been true
in the early 19th century,
748
00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:20,286
but I think today, it's comics.
749
00:51:20,370 --> 00:51:23,456
The best comics have a greater
understanding, a greater grip
750
00:51:23,540 --> 00:51:28,837
on reality, and a greater honesty
and moral probity than our leaders.
751
00:51:29,587 --> 00:51:36,511
And no one exemplifies this truth
more than the great Eddie Izzard.
752
00:51:36,594 --> 00:51:40,014
I've known her for years and years,
and every year she continues
753
00:51:40,098 --> 00:51:43,393
to astonish me.
And I hope she'll astonish you, too.
754
00:51:43,476 --> 00:51:48,606
So ladies and gentlemen,
welcome Eddie Izzard!
755
00:51:57,740 --> 00:51:58,825
Okay.
756
00:52:00,076 --> 00:52:03,580
Now, let's talk about everything that's
ever existed since the beginning of time.
757
00:52:04,330 --> 00:52:07,876
3.8 billion years ago. That's when
the Big Bang happened, right?
758
00:52:08,501 --> 00:52:11,713
So that's the timeline.
The Earth begins about
759
00:52:11,796 --> 00:52:15,383
4.5 billion years ago.
The ancient Egyptians...
760
00:52:16,050 --> 00:52:18,845
When does it get interesting?
Real-life interesting?
761
00:52:18,928 --> 00:52:24,851
It's probably about the Renaissance,
about 500 years ago,
762
00:52:24,934 --> 00:52:27,729
that's when human rights starts,
so this bit is kind of good
763
00:52:27,812 --> 00:52:29,981
for human existence,
for any existence.
764
00:52:30,064 --> 00:52:34,319
And my question is, I know
in America, you still believe in God.
765
00:52:34,402 --> 00:52:38,907
He isn't there, kids.
He's not there.
766
00:52:39,866 --> 00:52:44,245
If he was a she, then he would have done
some good, but he's not there.
767
00:52:45,163 --> 00:52:50,001
And if he is... but well done for still
believing in him after World War II,
768
00:52:50,084 --> 00:52:52,921
60 million dead and he didn't
come and help, but...
769
00:52:55,882 --> 00:53:00,178
But my point is, if there was a God,
and they did create the universe,
770
00:53:00,261 --> 00:53:05,266
what is this bit?
From Renaissance, from that bit,
771
00:53:05,350 --> 00:53:09,020
from the Enlightenment, those 500 years,
okay, that's getting kind of good.
772
00:53:09,103 --> 00:53:13,441
What? This is crap, this is all this.
Rubbish, rubbish!
773
00:53:13,524 --> 00:53:16,986
Nothing, and then we start,
and then it's five mass...
774
00:53:17,070 --> 00:53:20,281
five mass extinctions on the Earth,
and then the dinosaurs,
775
00:53:20,365 --> 00:53:22,575
what the fuck are the dinosaurs about?
776
00:53:23,368 --> 00:53:27,330
165 million years of those idiots?
777
00:53:27,413 --> 00:53:31,084
We humans have had 2 million years,
about 500 years of good stuff.
778
00:53:31,167 --> 00:53:38,049
165 million years of "roar!"
That's all they did!
779
00:53:38,883 --> 00:53:43,179
165 million years, they were like pirates.
"Roar!" That's all they did!
780
00:53:43,262 --> 00:53:46,724
With no songs, no earrings,
not good-looking... "roar."
781
00:53:46,808 --> 00:53:51,312
Eat, shit, and fuck, and kill things.
That's all they did!
782
00:53:51,396 --> 00:53:56,818
There were no dinosaur programs,
quiz shows,
783
00:53:56,901 --> 00:54:00,446
"All right, we're going to...
roar, roar, roar..."
784
00:54:01,114 --> 00:54:02,865
[jabbering]
785
00:54:04,575 --> 00:54:06,703
There were no dinosaur
discussion programs...
786
00:54:06,786 --> 00:54:10,623
[jabbering]
787
00:54:12,208 --> 00:54:16,045
No dinosaur poetry: "Roar, roar, roar..."
788
00:54:16,462 --> 00:54:18,381
[jabbering]
789
00:54:18,923 --> 00:54:20,967
No dinosaur ice cream vans...
790
00:54:21,050 --> 00:54:22,677
[mimics ice cream van tune]
791
00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:24,721
[jabbering]
792
00:54:30,893 --> 00:54:32,395
None of that!
793
00:54:33,312 --> 00:54:36,733
So I think he's not there, kids.
I think it's up to us.
794
00:54:36,816 --> 00:54:40,278
People might say I'm an atheist.
No, I believe in something.
795
00:54:40,361 --> 00:54:41,904
I believe in us. I believe in humanity.
796
00:54:41,988 --> 00:54:44,574
I believe there's more goodwill
than ill will in the world.
797
00:54:44,657 --> 00:54:46,284
That is my belief.
798
00:54:48,619 --> 00:54:51,080
Now, a while ago,
I started running marathons.
799
00:54:51,164 --> 00:54:53,541
I've run about 130 marathons now
for charity.
800
00:54:53,624 --> 00:54:58,212
It's an LGBTQ thing, I don't know,
it's just willpower, keeping going.
801
00:54:58,296 --> 00:55:01,466
So I run these marathons, high heels
in marathons, that's what I can do.
802
00:55:02,341 --> 00:55:05,178
I was running a marathon,
I was running a practice marathon,
803
00:55:05,261 --> 00:55:07,680
and I ran... you just run and run.
804
00:55:07,764 --> 00:55:12,393
I ran past a big house in the countryside,
big walls, big gates at the front.
805
00:55:12,477 --> 00:55:15,521
Wooden gates. And as I ran past a dog,
I couldn't see it behind the wall,
806
00:55:15,605 --> 00:55:17,148
so I heard "woof woof..."
807
00:55:17,231 --> 00:55:20,068
Woofing as they have done
since the beginning of time.
808
00:55:20,651 --> 00:55:23,404
And I thought to myself,
"What is this dog trying to say?
809
00:55:23,488 --> 00:55:27,325
If the dog suddenly had FOXP2,
the genetic code
810
00:55:27,408 --> 00:55:29,702
that gives them the power of speech
like we have,
811
00:55:29,786 --> 00:55:32,080
what would a dog actually be saying
if it goes 'woof, woof, woof?'"
812
00:55:32,163 --> 00:55:36,292
it would probably be trying to say,
"Thief!" or "Burglar! Thief!
813
00:55:36,375 --> 00:55:40,379
There's a thief! Assassin, assassin,
they're here, they're here!"
814
00:55:40,463 --> 00:55:44,217
They're very sure, dogs, aren't they?
Very sure. "Woof, woof, woof!"
815
00:55:44,300 --> 00:55:47,303
Rarely heard an unsure dog, have you?
816
00:55:48,513 --> 00:55:53,309
You've never heard a dog go,
"Woof? Woof, woof?
817
00:55:54,352 --> 00:55:58,981
Are you an assassin?"
No, it's, "Woof, woof, woof!
818
00:56:00,066 --> 00:56:02,860
Assassins! They're here!"
819
00:56:02,944 --> 00:56:05,613
Every dog seems to have joined
the right-wing party.
820
00:56:07,031 --> 00:56:09,492
And based on very little information,
they're completely sure.
821
00:56:09,575 --> 00:56:15,081
"Assassin! Assassin-slash
immigrants are here!"
822
00:56:16,999 --> 00:56:19,335
And they woof, woof, woof.
Eventually the owner comes out
823
00:56:19,418 --> 00:56:22,505
and goes, "What the fuck is going...?"
"Assassins!"
824
00:56:22,588 --> 00:56:25,049
"What, assassins? Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure,
825
00:56:25,133 --> 00:56:27,093
I'm a dog, motherfucker!"
826
00:56:28,261 --> 00:56:29,887
"Well, how many is there?"
"Well, two!"
827
00:56:29,971 --> 00:56:31,556
"Two?"
"Two thousand!"
828
00:56:31,639 --> 00:56:35,643
"2,000? Exactly?"
"Well, 1,527."
829
00:56:36,352 --> 00:56:38,938
"You saw them?"
"I saw them with my ears!"
830
00:56:39,856 --> 00:56:43,401
"What does that mean?"
"I'm a dog, that's what we do!"
831
00:56:43,484 --> 00:56:47,488
"Get a gun, get a gun!"
"I'm British, I don't have a gun."
832
00:56:47,572 --> 00:56:50,408
"Go to America!
They give away guns to children!"
833
00:56:51,742 --> 00:56:54,662
"How can I get there quickly?"
"Go on one of those penis rockets."
834
00:56:54,745 --> 00:56:57,874
"Oh, okay." [whoosh]
And the man goes off,
835
00:56:57,957 --> 00:57:00,543
and the dog carries on woofing,
"woof, woof, woof..."
836
00:57:00,626 --> 00:57:03,880
until something happens,
or anything happens, woof, woof, woof...
837
00:57:03,963 --> 00:57:04,964
[squish]
838
00:57:08,301 --> 00:57:09,343
"Oh.
839
00:57:11,345 --> 00:57:13,639
Oh, what have I stood in?
840
00:57:13,723 --> 00:57:16,684
Oh, no. What have I...?
Who did that?
841
00:57:16,767 --> 00:57:19,812
Who left that big pile of steaming...
Who?
842
00:57:20,938 --> 00:57:24,984
I did that.
I've stood in my own poo.
843
00:57:26,277 --> 00:57:28,529
I am hoist by my own poo-tard.
844
00:57:29,447 --> 00:57:33,743
Oh, God. Is this how Michael Jackson
learned to do this?"
845
00:57:35,411 --> 00:57:37,705
And then the owner comes back.
"I've got a gun!"
846
00:57:37,788 --> 00:57:39,499
"What?"
"I've got a gun for the assassins."
847
00:57:39,582 --> 00:57:43,836
"Assassins? You have seen assassins?"
"You saw them, you saw them
848
00:57:43,920 --> 00:57:45,880
with your ears."
"That doesn't make sense."
849
00:57:47,298 --> 00:57:49,967
"But I found poo,
there's poo there. Shoot the poo,
850
00:57:50,051 --> 00:57:54,138
shoot it. Shoot the poo,
shoot it in the face. Shoot it.
851
00:57:54,222 --> 00:57:57,433
Go on, you can't handle the poo.
Shoot the poo, shoot it."
852
00:57:58,100 --> 00:57:59,101
[imitates gunshot]
853
00:57:59,185 --> 00:58:05,107
"You shot the poo!
The poo is dead. Long live the poo."
854
00:58:06,025 --> 00:58:08,486
Now everything that I said
as the character of the dog,
855
00:58:08,569 --> 00:58:12,990
that is what is going on
in Donald Trump's mind all the time.
856
00:58:14,825 --> 00:58:15,952
Thank you.
857
00:58:16,035 --> 00:58:18,496
Goodnight. Thanks for being here!
858
00:58:25,920 --> 00:58:29,757
[Bob] Now please welcome
legendary actress, writer, and comedian
859
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:31,050
Marsha Warfield.
860
00:58:31,634 --> 00:58:33,719
Thank you. Thank you.
861
00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:36,097
Good evening!
862
00:58:37,765 --> 00:58:39,433
My name is Marsha Warfield.
863
00:58:42,395 --> 00:58:44,647
And I will hit on your mama.
864
00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:52,697
And it ain't your business
if she hits back.
865
00:58:54,824 --> 00:58:56,617
That's between me and your mama.
866
00:58:57,493 --> 00:58:59,745
So you just go on outside and play.
867
00:59:02,373 --> 00:59:05,585
We'll call you
when you can come back. Now...
868
00:59:08,379 --> 00:59:12,508
that's not really true,
because I don't date straight women.
869
00:59:13,593 --> 00:59:16,095
I don't fuck around with straight women,
you do a straight woman,
870
00:59:16,178 --> 00:59:17,763
and they never leave.
871
00:59:22,893 --> 00:59:25,271
You'll be like,
"Don't you have somewhere to go...
872
00:59:26,772 --> 00:59:28,316
Mrs. Jones?"
873
00:59:31,152 --> 00:59:34,405
And she's like,
"But you did this to me."
874
00:59:37,325 --> 00:59:42,288
"Yeah? But I'm through doing that
to you right now.
875
00:59:44,081 --> 00:59:45,708
Take your ass home."
876
00:59:48,085 --> 00:59:50,212
"Don't I get breakfast?"
877
00:59:52,048 --> 00:59:53,090
"I ate."
878
01:00:04,727 --> 01:00:06,312
I like younger women.
879
01:00:08,272 --> 01:00:10,399
Yeah. I like them still juicy.
880
01:00:16,739 --> 01:00:20,701
I'm looking for a hot young thing,
somebody about... 50.
881
01:00:24,789 --> 01:00:26,874
Fifty-five, something like that.
882
01:00:29,293 --> 01:00:31,962
I don't know where I'd meet her,
because I don't know
883
01:00:32,046 --> 01:00:33,839
where the old lady gay bars are.
884
01:00:35,466 --> 01:00:39,553
But I do know what I'd say to her,
I got it all planned out.
885
01:00:39,637 --> 01:00:42,932
I would catch her eye
across a crowded room.
886
01:00:43,808 --> 01:00:45,267
Give her a little wink.
887
01:00:47,103 --> 01:00:47,978
Smile.
888
01:00:49,105 --> 01:00:55,194
Say, "Hey, girl. You see these?
They come out."
889
01:01:14,755 --> 01:01:18,134
I just came out in my 60s.
890
01:01:25,433 --> 01:01:26,809
On Facebook.
891
01:01:29,687 --> 01:01:32,690
Because that's where I was,
because I'm old,
892
01:01:32,773 --> 01:01:35,192
and that's where old people hang out.
We love Facebook.
893
01:01:35,276 --> 01:01:38,112
Fuck y'all, keep your little Twitter
and your TikTok, we'll stay on
894
01:01:38,195 --> 01:01:43,117
fucking Facebook! We know Facebook,
Facebook is ours.
895
01:01:43,200 --> 01:01:47,913
Facebook is the 21st-century version of
sitting in the window yelling at people.
896
01:01:51,459 --> 01:01:53,169
Get off my page!
897
01:01:54,295 --> 01:01:57,131
You take that shit on the other side
of the Internet.
898
01:02:03,763 --> 01:02:08,017
But coming out in my 60s means
I don't know the community.
899
01:02:08,100 --> 01:02:11,979
I don't know all the rules and stuff.
I try to figure it out,
900
01:02:12,062 --> 01:02:15,483
but I don't know how to identify.
I go on these websites
901
01:02:15,566 --> 01:02:19,195
and these young women, they have rules.
I don't know what they're talking about.
902
01:02:19,278 --> 01:02:22,490
They're like, "Well, if you like
to hunt and fish, but you wear
903
01:02:22,573 --> 01:02:28,704
Victoria's Secret under your L.L. Bean,
that makes you a ipsa-dapsa-dasian.
904
01:02:32,875 --> 01:02:36,670
But if you like to cook and shop,
but you wear Joe Boxers under your
905
01:02:36,754 --> 01:02:40,257
Rachael Ray apron, that makes you
a wama-lama-ding-dyke."
906
01:02:50,893 --> 01:02:54,730
I didn't know I was gay.
Growing up in the '50s and '60s,
907
01:02:54,814 --> 01:02:58,609
nobody talked about being gay.
I had no idea what gay was.
908
01:02:58,692 --> 01:03:01,237
I didn't know there were gay people
in my family.
909
01:03:01,320 --> 01:03:05,574
And they weren't even down-low gay,
they were stereotypically flaming gay.
910
01:03:07,326 --> 01:03:09,662
Like Aunt Butchy and Uncle Twirl.
911
01:03:30,182 --> 01:03:33,018
But I don't even know how to identify.
912
01:03:33,102 --> 01:03:37,731
You know, I don't know the lesbian,
the damn femmes,
913
01:03:37,815 --> 01:03:40,109
damn stud? What the fuck? I don't know.
914
01:03:41,318 --> 01:03:45,948
Look at me, I have a short haircut.
You know, I'm wearing sensible shoes.
915
01:03:50,452 --> 01:03:53,831
But I'm wearing makeup and lipstick,
I have on a bra and panties.
916
01:03:55,499 --> 01:03:57,585
I am wearing a strap-on, but...
917
01:04:01,130 --> 01:04:02,631
That's not the point!
918
01:04:03,799 --> 01:04:05,759
Now y'all stop looking at my crotch.
919
01:04:06,969 --> 01:04:09,138
Thank you. Goodnight.
920
01:04:15,978 --> 01:04:19,273
You know our next performer
from Together Together.
921
01:04:20,399 --> 01:04:22,985
Please welcome Patti Harrison.
922
01:04:30,409 --> 01:04:32,620
Hi. Wow, thank you.
923
01:04:33,370 --> 01:04:37,708
To be honest, like, I know the pandemic
has been really hard for...
924
01:04:37,791 --> 01:04:40,878
It's been really hard, and I don't
think I'm unique for saying that,
925
01:04:40,961 --> 01:04:46,675
but... I do feel very fortunate for a lot
of things, I've been able to work at home.
926
01:04:46,759 --> 01:04:52,431
And I just feel...
I don't know, I haven't felt really
927
01:04:52,514 --> 01:04:59,438
creative, or like, inspired.
I'm being earnest, I really, like...
928
01:05:00,689 --> 01:05:03,943
That is very weird to be
kind of trying to open up a little bit.
929
01:05:04,026 --> 01:05:09,823
But I... yeah, I've just been
having a hard time feeling, like,
930
01:05:09,907 --> 01:05:14,703
funny... I think it's a traumatic time
and I think there are a lot of comedians
931
01:05:14,787 --> 01:05:20,459
who like... can experience stress
and they can write material
932
01:05:20,542 --> 01:05:24,672
out of that, in this way that...
I think it's really impressive.
933
01:05:24,755 --> 01:05:28,759
And I just have felt pretty depressed,
and I started therapy again.
934
01:05:30,010 --> 01:05:31,595
And... thank you.
935
01:05:33,514 --> 01:05:35,724
And so... I feel really grateful
936
01:05:35,808 --> 01:05:37,685
that this is a comedy show, but...
937
01:05:38,435 --> 01:05:41,939
they're letting me perform a song,
which is cool, and it's about
938
01:05:42,022 --> 01:05:46,777
something real that happened to me.
And it was a pretty traumatic
939
01:05:46,860 --> 01:05:50,531
thing, like last summer.
And I'm not a professional singer,
940
01:05:50,614 --> 01:05:53,575
I'm not trained. And this is a song...
941
01:05:53,659 --> 01:05:56,161
It's easier to write, I guess,
in other people's voices,
942
01:05:56,245 --> 01:05:58,872
so this is a song in the style
of one of my favorite singers,
943
01:05:58,956 --> 01:06:03,961
her name's Stevie Nicks.
You can go ahead and play the track.
944
01:06:04,044 --> 01:06:05,713
Thanks.
945
01:06:05,796 --> 01:06:08,507
[music begins]
946
01:06:12,136 --> 01:06:15,431
♪ So you wanna know about me ♪
947
01:06:16,056 --> 01:06:18,726
♪ You say you wanna know my life ♪
948
01:06:19,977 --> 01:06:24,314
♪ You say you wanna know my secrets ♪
949
01:06:24,398 --> 01:06:27,401
♪ I'll tell you everything tonight ♪
950
01:06:29,028 --> 01:06:32,406
♪ One day I took my baby to the beach ♪
951
01:06:33,157 --> 01:06:35,951
♪ I left it there on accident ♪
952
01:06:36,952 --> 01:06:40,414
♪ But when I came back it was too late ♪
953
01:06:40,497 --> 01:06:42,583
♪ It was hot out there
Laying in the sun ♪
954
01:06:42,666 --> 01:06:45,044
♪ It was hot, it looked like
A sweet potato ♪
955
01:06:45,127 --> 01:06:48,338
♪ I left my baby out in the sun ♪
956
01:06:49,131 --> 01:06:53,135
♪ And now its head
Looks like a sweet potato ♪
957
01:06:53,218 --> 01:06:57,139
♪ I left my baby in the sun
For eight hours ♪
958
01:06:57,222 --> 01:07:00,851
♪ And now its head
Looks like a sweet potato ♪
959
01:07:00,934 --> 01:07:03,479
[vocalizing]
960
01:07:03,562 --> 01:07:09,651
♪ I wanna say thank you
For letting me get this off of my chest ♪
961
01:07:10,152 --> 01:07:13,280
♪ You are my bitch right now
I love you ♪
962
01:07:13,989 --> 01:07:15,574
♪ I'm bonded to you ♪
963
01:07:16,742 --> 01:07:20,329
♪ So people ask me
Is my baby dead? ♪
964
01:07:20,954 --> 01:07:22,456
♪ I said no-no ♪
965
01:07:23,415 --> 01:07:25,084
♪ He's just asleep ♪
966
01:07:25,167 --> 01:07:29,004
♪ He's busy picking up a long long nap ♪
967
01:07:29,088 --> 01:07:33,383
♪ From those long days at the beach ♪
968
01:07:33,467 --> 01:07:36,261
♪ I left my baby out in the sun ♪
969
01:07:37,137 --> 01:07:40,933
♪ And now his head
Looks like a sweet potato ♪
970
01:07:41,016 --> 01:07:45,562
♪ I left my baby in the sun
For 12 hours ♪
971
01:07:45,646 --> 01:07:47,856
♪ I was lying there because I was shy ♪
972
01:07:48,690 --> 01:07:52,694
♪ Whoa, I know what you're thinking ♪
973
01:07:53,862 --> 01:07:57,699
♪ I know exactly what is on
Your mind, boy ♪
974
01:08:00,327 --> 01:08:03,038
♪ You want to know
If I took a picture of him ♪
975
01:08:03,956 --> 01:08:06,750
♪ Well, the answer is yes
I took a picture of him ♪
976
01:08:06,834 --> 01:08:09,878
But I don't know you that well,
so I'm not ready to show it to you yet.
977
01:08:09,962 --> 01:08:11,880
So you're just going
to have to take my word for it
978
01:08:11,964 --> 01:08:16,927
when I tell you that it looks just like,
really, a lot like a sweet potato.
979
01:08:17,010 --> 01:08:20,556
♪ I left my baby out in the sun ♪
980
01:08:20,639 --> 01:08:24,810
♪ And now its head
Looks like a sweet potato ♪
981
01:08:25,853 --> 01:08:31,358
♪ I must assure you legally
That my baby is still alive ♪
982
01:08:32,526 --> 01:08:36,613
♪ My baby's head looks like a sweet potato
My baby's head looks like a sweet potato ♪
983
01:08:36,697 --> 01:08:40,784
♪ My baby's head looks like a sweet potato
My baby's head looks like a sweet potato ♪
984
01:08:42,244 --> 01:08:46,123
♪ Baby's head looks like a sweet potato
My baby's head ♪
985
01:08:46,790 --> 01:08:49,459
♪ A fucked up sweet potato ♪
986
01:08:56,633 --> 01:08:59,887
Our next performer was the host
of Talk Show The Game Show.
987
01:08:59,970 --> 01:09:02,639
Please welcome, Guy Branum!
988
01:09:09,563 --> 01:09:11,398
Shhh.
989
01:09:12,941 --> 01:09:14,943
I just got back from Palm Springs.
990
01:09:16,778 --> 01:09:19,031
Palm Springs is California
991
01:09:19,114 --> 01:09:22,910
for people who think that California
is not California enough.
992
01:09:25,787 --> 01:09:29,791
Yes, it's hot and dry,
but could it be hotter and dryer?
993
01:09:31,335 --> 01:09:32,669
The answer is yes.
994
01:09:34,213 --> 01:09:39,259
Palm Springs is a Utopian community that
imagines what the world would be like
995
01:09:39,343 --> 01:09:42,387
if gays and Republicans could cooperate.
996
01:09:46,808 --> 01:09:51,313
It's just well-trimmed lawns and pastels
as far as the eye can see.
997
01:09:53,148 --> 01:09:55,943
Do we have any queer people here
who are married?
998
01:09:58,237 --> 01:09:59,321
Calm down.
999
01:10:01,365 --> 01:10:05,619
I think it is cool that gay people
can get married now.
1000
01:10:06,828 --> 01:10:08,956
Sure, we're over that.
1001
01:10:10,499 --> 01:10:15,295
The problem is that our weddings,
not that impressive.
1002
01:10:16,046 --> 01:10:17,547
No, take this seriously.
1003
01:10:17,631 --> 01:10:22,386
You are the first generation of queer
people who can have legal weddings.
1004
01:10:22,469 --> 01:10:26,515
And we, as a people, are supposed to be
fascinating, engines of culture.
1005
01:10:26,598 --> 01:10:28,976
We spend our time trying to make
straight people's lives
1006
01:10:29,059 --> 01:10:30,477
more interesting and better.
1007
01:10:30,560 --> 01:10:32,020
But when you go to our weddings,
1008
01:10:32,104 --> 01:10:36,191
it's the same mason jars and Edison bulbs
as the rest of America.
1009
01:10:39,236 --> 01:10:43,407
I want things from queer culture
in our weddings.
1010
01:10:43,490 --> 01:10:45,492
The way that like, Jews,
we break a glass,
1011
01:10:45,575 --> 01:10:47,202
or African-Americans jump a broom.
1012
01:10:47,286 --> 01:10:51,248
I want to see something in a queer wedding
and say, "Those are my people."
1013
01:10:52,082 --> 01:10:54,042
So I have some pitches for you guys.
1014
01:10:55,627 --> 01:10:57,587
Are there any queer women in the audience?
1015
01:10:59,840 --> 01:11:03,218
Queer women, should you decide
to get married, I have two words for you.
1016
01:11:03,302 --> 01:11:04,928
Wedding cleats.
1017
01:11:06,680 --> 01:11:09,933
Anytime two women get married,
at least one of them should wear a pair
1018
01:11:10,017 --> 01:11:14,855
of pristine white metal baseball,
not softball, baseball cleats
1019
01:11:14,938 --> 01:11:17,983
to give her the stability she needs
to walk down that aisle
1020
01:11:18,066 --> 01:11:20,319
and pledge her undying love to the woman
she wants to spend
1021
01:11:20,402 --> 01:11:22,988
the rest of her life with, in case one
of that woman's ex-girlfriends
1022
01:11:23,071 --> 01:11:24,698
attempts to tackle her.
1023
01:11:26,700 --> 01:11:31,163
Now, I know some of you might be saying,
"But Guy! But Guy!
1024
01:11:31,830 --> 01:11:36,418
What if they get married indoors? Those
metal cleats will tear up the floors."
1025
01:11:37,210 --> 01:11:39,880
To which I would reply...
[laughs]
1026
01:11:41,423 --> 01:11:44,009
"Lesbians getting married indoors?
1027
01:11:46,636 --> 01:11:48,555
Where would they put the dogs?"
1028
01:11:52,934 --> 01:11:55,854
And the question for a queer wedding
is always,
1029
01:11:55,937 --> 01:11:57,773
"Who's going to perform the ceremony?"
1030
01:11:57,856 --> 01:12:00,484
Usually when straight people
get married, they get a priest or a rabbi,
1031
01:12:00,567 --> 01:12:03,236
but let's be honest. There's not really
a religion that wants us.
1032
01:12:03,653 --> 01:12:06,656
Sometimes people get a Justice
of the Peace, no one knows what that is.
1033
01:12:06,740 --> 01:12:10,660
When it comes to deciding who's going
to perform the ceremony at your wedding,
1034
01:12:10,744 --> 01:12:14,998
I cannot emphasize this enough. I do not
want to hear your brother tell jokes.
1035
01:12:16,333 --> 01:12:21,588
So here's how I think a wedding ceremony
between two men should be performed:
1036
01:12:22,047 --> 01:12:25,384
I think the shorter groom's
fattest female friend
1037
01:12:25,467 --> 01:12:28,762
should come up to the front of the
room and karaoke Celine Dion's
1038
01:12:28,845 --> 01:12:30,806
"It's All Coming Back to Me Now."
1039
01:12:32,099 --> 01:12:34,059
All six and a half minutes of it.
1040
01:12:35,602 --> 01:12:37,771
And then you or your wedding planner
1041
01:12:37,854 --> 01:12:40,273
have to book a panel
of minor celebrities.
1042
01:12:41,817 --> 01:12:46,446
A former Miss Tarzana, a guy who was
on The Real World: Paris.
1043
01:12:47,823 --> 01:12:48,907
Me.
1044
01:12:50,992 --> 01:12:54,579
And then if two or more of us say
that she killed it, you're married.
1045
01:12:55,872 --> 01:12:58,166
But if two or more of us say
that she was a little pitchy,
1046
01:12:58,250 --> 01:13:01,086
she needs to try harder next time,
you have to wait six weeks,
1047
01:13:01,169 --> 01:13:04,423
or go to another state.
That's a gay wedding.
1048
01:13:05,841 --> 01:13:07,801
Thank you very much, I'm Guy Branum.
1049
01:13:09,386 --> 01:13:11,805
[Bob] Let's hear it for Guy Branum!
1050
01:13:12,973 --> 01:13:15,559
Please welcome Solomon Georgio.
1051
01:13:17,769 --> 01:13:19,688
It's so good to be here, I'm...
1052
01:13:19,771 --> 01:13:21,898
I'm re-entering the dating world,
which I didn't...
1053
01:13:21,982 --> 01:13:26,611
I don't care for that.
It's not fun. Being single is amazing.
1054
01:13:26,695 --> 01:13:28,655
The middle of the bed
is the best part of the bed.
1055
01:13:32,367 --> 01:13:35,996
Because I do, I truly--
I love being gay, I really do,
1056
01:13:36,079 --> 01:13:38,081
but I hate men with my whole heart.
1057
01:13:41,668 --> 01:13:43,211
It's really a problem.
1058
01:13:45,505 --> 01:13:49,050
I went on a date with a guy,
and he looked in my human face
1059
01:13:50,886 --> 01:13:55,932
and he said, "Solomon,
I'm not like other gay guys."
1060
01:13:56,641 --> 01:13:58,685
He said that he likes sports,
1061
01:14:01,396 --> 01:14:03,607
and he also doesn't like drag queens.
1062
01:14:05,317 --> 01:14:06,318
Yeah.
1063
01:14:07,861 --> 01:14:09,112
Yeah.
1064
01:14:09,196 --> 01:14:14,409
First of all, I love drag.
The whole form, in every shape and way.
1065
01:14:14,493 --> 01:14:15,911
Drag queens, drag kings.
1066
01:14:15,994 --> 01:14:19,498
It's the greatest queer form
of art that we have out there.
1067
01:14:20,832 --> 01:14:26,463
But also, more importantly, every aspect
of it is a fucking sport, all right?
1068
01:14:27,005 --> 01:14:29,299
I would love to see anyone's
favorite athlete
1069
01:14:29,382 --> 01:14:31,635
duct-tape their penis
up to their butthole.
1070
01:14:34,846 --> 01:14:36,932
Then do a jump-split in stilettos
1071
01:14:37,474 --> 01:14:40,894
while lip-syncing Ariana Grande
the whole way down.
1072
01:14:47,651 --> 01:14:50,111
I don't think Tom Brady
can do half that stuff.
1073
01:14:50,195 --> 01:14:52,697
At all. On his best day.
1074
01:14:52,781 --> 01:14:55,867
Sorry, I had to look up
an athlete for that joke.
1075
01:14:56,952 --> 01:14:59,204
But I stayed on the date,
we got to the end of the date,
1076
01:14:59,287 --> 01:15:02,832
he asked me a very integral question,
he asked me if I was a top or a bottom.
1077
01:15:02,916 --> 01:15:05,001
Which is a fair question to ask
someone like me.
1078
01:15:05,085 --> 01:15:07,546
I'm built like a top,
but I'm mean like a bottom.
1079
01:15:10,590 --> 01:15:15,971
However, he was 5' 4",
and I'm 6-foot goddess, and...
1080
01:15:18,181 --> 01:15:22,978
you can't be inside of me
if I can't see you when I turn around.
1081
01:15:39,452 --> 01:15:41,788
If I have to ask you to raise your hand,
1082
01:15:46,293 --> 01:15:48,878
so I don't feel like I'm being fucked
by a ghost,
1083
01:15:51,339 --> 01:15:52,299
get out.
1084
01:15:53,592 --> 01:15:55,427
That's my time.
Thank you so much, everyone!
1085
01:15:55,510 --> 01:15:57,095
Please enjoy the rest of the show.
1086
01:16:00,765 --> 01:16:05,186
[Bob] Now, please welcome
Emmy-winning comedian, Judy Gold!
1087
01:16:12,569 --> 01:16:16,948
Hello, everyone!
Hello, my queers!
1088
01:16:17,032 --> 01:16:20,368
I love you all!
How are you?
1089
01:16:20,994 --> 01:16:25,373
I am so glad I made it.
I literally just got here,
1090
01:16:25,457 --> 01:16:28,960
because I was having an abortion
because I figured, "You know,
1091
01:16:29,044 --> 01:16:31,796
let me get it in while I can,"
you know what I'm saying?
1092
01:16:32,797 --> 01:16:35,884
And they're doing a two-for-one,
so for anyone else...
1093
01:16:37,469 --> 01:16:40,639
Oh, this country.
Isn't it crazy?
1094
01:16:41,222 --> 01:16:43,850
I don't know if anyone watched
any shows on Zoom
1095
01:16:43,933 --> 01:16:48,063
during the pandemic, but they tried
to do stand-up comedy.
1096
01:16:48,146 --> 01:16:50,482
And in the beginning, they didn't know
what they were doing,
1097
01:16:50,565 --> 01:16:53,193
so everyone was unmuted, right?
1098
01:16:53,276 --> 01:16:56,363
And they're like, "Oh, we'll unmute
everyone, and that way,
1099
01:16:56,446 --> 01:16:59,908
you can hear the laughter 10 minutes
after you tell the joke."
1100
01:16:59,991 --> 01:17:02,744
I was like,
"Oh, that's such a good idea. Okay."
1101
01:17:03,578 --> 01:17:05,997
So everyone's unmuted,
I don't know if you know...
1102
01:17:06,081 --> 01:17:09,084
If you know me, you know I get a lot
of Jewish people in my audiences
1103
01:17:09,167 --> 01:17:11,169
for obvious reasons, okay?
1104
01:17:11,878 --> 01:17:17,008
And I would be doing these Zoom shows
and there'd be so many Jews watching,
1105
01:17:17,092 --> 01:17:21,346
unmuted, and every time I would start
a joke, I would hear,
1106
01:17:21,429 --> 01:17:24,057
"Arthur, shut the window!"
1107
01:17:27,769 --> 01:17:30,063
"Sylvia, someone's at the door."
1108
01:17:31,022 --> 01:17:35,318
"She's filthy! I don't understand,
we saw her at Temple,
1109
01:17:35,402 --> 01:17:37,195
she didn't curse at all!"
1110
01:17:42,325 --> 01:17:43,660
Ugh!
1111
01:17:43,785 --> 01:17:47,455
People were folding their laundry,
doing their dishes,
1112
01:17:47,539 --> 01:17:49,541
this is how desperate we were.
1113
01:17:51,459 --> 01:17:54,212
The pandemic made us all crazy, you know?
1114
01:17:54,295 --> 01:17:57,757
I was on Amazon 24/7 buying shit,
I had no idea.
1115
01:17:57,841 --> 01:18:00,009
I'd wake up in the morning,
open my door, I'd be like,
1116
01:18:00,093 --> 01:18:02,971
"Oh, my God, I did put that in my cart!
Isn't that great?"
1117
01:18:03,054 --> 01:18:04,347
Here's what I want to know.
1118
01:18:04,431 --> 01:18:07,892
Who taught the people at Amazon
how to pack a box?
1119
01:18:07,976 --> 01:18:10,395
What is going on in that warehouse?
1120
01:18:10,478 --> 01:18:13,022
"Hey, guys. Yeah, we got a tweezer.
1121
01:18:13,648 --> 01:18:16,901
I'm going to need a 12x24 box please,
let's go!
1122
01:18:19,237 --> 01:18:21,281
It's a slanted tweezer, people.
1123
01:18:21,364 --> 01:18:24,200
I need some of that plastic
with the air in it. Move it!"
1124
01:18:30,165 --> 01:18:34,627
But I did get the Peloton,
I don't know if anyone has a Peloton.
1125
01:18:34,711 --> 01:18:37,005
All the gays have the Peloton, it's great.
1126
01:18:37,088 --> 01:18:40,967
And here's the thing about the Peloton.
I can't take the instructors.
1127
01:18:41,050 --> 01:18:42,510
They're all perfect.
1128
01:18:42,594 --> 01:18:44,888
Half of them are from the UK
with the accent.
1129
01:18:44,971 --> 01:18:47,599
They have perfect bodies,
and it's so annoying!
1130
01:18:47,682 --> 01:18:50,268
Is it not annoying?
It's like every morning...
1131
01:18:50,351 --> 01:18:51,770
[British accent]
"Good morning! How are you?
1132
01:18:51,853 --> 01:18:54,105
We're going to have a great class today!
1133
01:18:54,189 --> 01:18:58,818
We're going to climb
9,000 hills at a cadence of 4 million.
1134
01:18:58,902 --> 01:19:02,113
You can do it. You can do anything!
You can be anyone who you
1135
01:19:02,197 --> 01:19:05,450
want to be. Who do you want to be?"
1136
01:19:05,533 --> 01:19:07,660
[normal accent]
"I want to be someone not on this bike!
1137
01:19:07,744 --> 01:19:11,289
I am having tachycardia
and I can't breathe, okay?"
1138
01:19:11,790 --> 01:19:15,126
I want a Peloton instructor
who's more my level.
1139
01:19:16,252 --> 01:19:17,587
"All right, good morning.
1140
01:19:19,756 --> 01:19:21,216
[sighs]
1141
01:19:21,758 --> 01:19:24,135
You going to move your legs?
I mean, what's going on?
1142
01:19:24,219 --> 01:19:25,929
You're just going to sit there?
1143
01:19:27,847 --> 01:19:30,433
How much weight have you gained,
seriously?"
1144
01:19:32,227 --> 01:19:37,273
Listen, this night is historic,
I am so happy to be a part of it.
1145
01:19:37,357 --> 01:19:40,485
Thank you all! Thank you so much.
1146
01:19:43,404 --> 01:19:46,991
[Bob] All right, let's hear it
for Judy Gold!
1147
01:19:48,910 --> 01:19:52,831
Please welcome Emmy award winner
Lena Waithe!
1148
01:20:00,088 --> 01:20:01,631
Hey!
1149
01:20:03,216 --> 01:20:08,304
I'm here tonight to introduce a woman
who is a bonafide icon.
1150
01:20:09,097 --> 01:20:12,684
She's not only an Emmy award winner,
and one of the best comedians
1151
01:20:12,767 --> 01:20:15,603
of all time, she's a genuine trailblazer.
1152
01:20:15,687 --> 01:20:19,858
For decades, she has used her comedy
to not only make us laugh,
1153
01:20:19,941 --> 01:20:21,860
but to change our minds.
1154
01:20:21,943 --> 01:20:26,281
The doors I have walked through are only
open because she helped knock them down.
1155
01:20:26,364 --> 01:20:28,825
To me, there's no one funnier
than this woman.
1156
01:20:28,908 --> 01:20:32,871
Please welcome my friend and yours,
Wanda Sykes.
1157
01:20:41,296 --> 01:20:42,422
Lena Waithe!
1158
01:20:43,965 --> 01:20:46,342
The Chi, Twenties.
1159
01:20:47,719 --> 01:20:50,179
We love her. Thank y'all so much.
1160
01:20:50,263 --> 01:20:53,808
Oh, my gosh. This is amazing,
what an incredible night!
1161
01:20:53,892 --> 01:20:55,393
What an incredible night.
1162
01:20:55,476 --> 01:20:59,814
First of all, I want to say, give it up
to Security tonight! Give it up!
1163
01:20:59,898 --> 01:21:00,940
Yes!
1164
01:21:01,024 --> 01:21:03,651
Big man, I hope you are undercover.
1165
01:21:04,819 --> 01:21:06,821
I hope you... Your big ass, too.
1166
01:21:06,905 --> 01:21:12,118
I hope y'all in here protecting us,
1167
01:21:12,201 --> 01:21:15,330
because y'all know,
I've been in some crazy situations.
1168
01:21:15,413 --> 01:21:18,750
Good Lord. Everybody keeps asking
about the Oscars, I was like,
1169
01:21:18,833 --> 01:21:21,502
"Look, that shit was traumatic."
1170
01:21:21,586 --> 01:21:25,214
It really was, it was traumatic,
I mean, shit!
1171
01:21:26,049 --> 01:21:30,053
Will slapped Chris so hard
the dude from CODA heard it!
1172
01:21:36,643 --> 01:21:40,813
The dude from CODA was like...
I was like, "Damn!"
1173
01:21:45,944 --> 01:21:47,987
What the fuck?
1174
01:21:48,947 --> 01:21:50,865
Shit is crazy, man.
1175
01:21:50,949 --> 01:21:52,992
Now, here's the thing.
1176
01:21:53,910 --> 01:21:58,998
If people's pronouns and everything
bother you,
1177
01:21:59,082 --> 01:22:04,587
and you're like, "I don't understand all
this... Why's it got to be 'they/them,
1178
01:22:04,671 --> 01:22:06,881
what's your pronoun?'"
Now, here's the thing.
1179
01:22:06,965 --> 01:22:10,927
Kids get it. I heard my...
I have twins, right?
1180
01:22:11,010 --> 01:22:15,181
And my son was asking my daughter
about one of their classmates.
1181
01:22:15,264 --> 01:22:18,059
Like, "Hey, is she...?"
And my daughter said, "No.
1182
01:22:18,935 --> 01:22:22,939
Alexis is non-binary, so it's they/them."
And my son said, "Oh, okay."
1183
01:22:23,022 --> 01:22:27,276
And that was it. There was no judgment,
he just got it.
1184
01:22:27,360 --> 01:22:31,447
He was like, "Okay." It's like,
"If your name is Larry,
1185
01:22:31,531 --> 01:22:33,491
I ain't going to call you Ted,"
that's it.
1186
01:22:33,574 --> 01:22:35,576
It's just a matter of respect.
1187
01:22:36,411 --> 01:22:38,496
That's all it is.
And let me tell you,
1188
01:22:38,579 --> 01:22:42,166
if you don't get it, and you get
hung up on shit like this,
1189
01:22:42,250 --> 01:22:45,461
you just sound fucking old.
That's all.
1190
01:22:45,545 --> 01:22:50,800
These kids are on 5G,
and you are on AOL dial-up.
1191
01:22:56,472 --> 01:22:59,559
You just sound old, that's it.
1192
01:23:00,226 --> 01:23:05,565
And I'm a little worried because my
parents are actually watching my kids
1193
01:23:05,648 --> 01:23:07,775
right now. They're babysitting my kids.
1194
01:23:07,859 --> 01:23:14,782
And I told my daughter, "Look,
if you invite Alexis over,
1195
01:23:14,866 --> 01:23:18,202
let me talk to Grandma first
and let her know.
1196
01:23:18,286 --> 01:23:23,332
Don't invite Alexis for dinner and tell
my mother that 'they coming over.'"
1197
01:23:24,709 --> 01:23:28,546
Because if she open that door and
it's just one person standing there,
1198
01:23:28,629 --> 01:23:30,506
Grandma going to have a lot of questions.
1199
01:23:31,382 --> 01:23:35,595
Grandma going to be like, "What the hell,
I done cooked all this damn food!
1200
01:23:36,721 --> 01:23:39,557
And it's just one little bastard
standing here?
1201
01:23:40,391 --> 01:23:42,602
They'd better be hungry,
I'll tell you that!
1202
01:23:47,690 --> 01:23:49,650
They'd better be hungry."
1203
01:23:51,027 --> 01:23:52,695
Look, I just want to say,
1204
01:23:52,779 --> 01:23:56,616
just give a big hand for everybody
you've seen tonight.
1205
01:23:56,699 --> 01:23:58,367
I mean, oh, my God.
1206
01:23:59,452 --> 01:24:05,249
And I've got a lot of these performers.
I am standing on their shoulders.
1207
01:24:05,333 --> 01:24:08,795
Yes. I am standing on their shoulders,
and it's just such an honor,
1208
01:24:08,878 --> 01:24:12,131
and I just love all of y'all,
and thank you so much for being here.
1209
01:24:12,215 --> 01:24:13,633
Goodnight.
1210
01:24:18,179 --> 01:24:24,769
[Bob] Please welcome Emmy, Tony and
Grammy award-winning actor, Lily Tomlin.
1211
01:24:31,150 --> 01:24:32,485
Thank you!
1212
01:24:33,945 --> 01:24:35,488
Thank you!
1213
01:24:36,656 --> 01:24:37,573
Thank you.
1214
01:24:39,659 --> 01:24:45,164
Thank you so much, I am so happy
to be here tonight
1215
01:24:45,248 --> 01:24:48,960
to introduce someone very, very special.
1216
01:24:49,043 --> 01:24:52,213
In fact, she's so special,
she's indescribable.
1217
01:24:52,296 --> 01:24:58,010
Now here I am calling her
indescribable in front of all you people
1218
01:24:58,094 --> 01:25:02,348
trying to describe her by saying
she's indescribable.
1219
01:25:03,933 --> 01:25:07,603
Honestly, this is so typical
of what I do.
1220
01:25:09,147 --> 01:25:14,110
She can be upbeat, off-beat,
and off-the-wall.
1221
01:25:14,193 --> 01:25:18,156
As she explained in her hit show,
Without You, I Am Nothing,
1222
01:25:19,907 --> 01:25:25,580
"My father was a proctologist,
my mother was an abstract artist, so...
1223
01:25:25,663 --> 01:25:27,790
that's how I see the world."
1224
01:25:29,417 --> 01:25:35,548
She's hilarious. She's gorgeous.
And she's unapologetically queer.
1225
01:25:36,215 --> 01:25:42,471
Give it up for my good friend,
the very unique Sandra Bernhard.
1226
01:26:04,285 --> 01:26:08,289
I just have to say, I don't know how
to thank Lily Tomlin enough.
1227
01:26:08,372 --> 01:26:10,041
That's number one.
1228
01:26:11,626 --> 01:26:16,505
For being a constant inspiration to me
since 7th grade.
1229
01:26:17,381 --> 01:26:23,596
Okay? When we used to come to Cocopah
Elementary School every Tuesday morning
1230
01:26:23,679 --> 01:26:28,643
to discuss our favorite moments
from Laugh-In the night before.
1231
01:26:29,268 --> 01:26:34,065
Cocopah Elementary School, I'm sure it
was built on sacred native burial ground,
1232
01:26:34,148 --> 01:26:36,067
but that's a sidebar.
1233
01:26:41,239 --> 01:26:42,990
I look really good, don't I?
1234
01:26:48,788 --> 01:26:51,582
I'm not going to do my set,
I'm just going to watch myself.
1235
01:26:53,542 --> 01:26:55,127
As I've been known to do.
1236
01:26:55,211 --> 01:26:59,882
So I got a call one morning
from my business manager Jack.
1237
01:26:59,966 --> 01:27:03,678
In that sort of strange style
that business managers have,
1238
01:27:03,761 --> 01:27:09,016
and he said to me, "Have you and Sara
thought of getting married?"
1239
01:27:09,100 --> 01:27:11,936
I said, "I don't know, Jack.
Crunch the numbers for me,
1240
01:27:12,019 --> 01:27:13,896
what's in it for me?"
1241
01:27:15,690 --> 01:27:17,358
Now you all know Sara,
1242
01:27:18,109 --> 01:27:22,947
my beautiful, brilliant, amazing,
1243
01:27:23,030 --> 01:27:27,702
occasionally controlling girlfriend
from St. Louis.
1244
01:27:27,785 --> 01:27:30,288
What am I supposed to call her?
My partner?
1245
01:27:30,371 --> 01:27:33,291
The unsexiest word in the entire universe?
1246
01:27:34,083 --> 01:27:37,295
What are we, in a law firm together?
"Get in here, Sara,
1247
01:27:37,378 --> 01:27:42,967
get in here, little lady. This one
really knows how to close a deal.
1248
01:27:45,428 --> 01:27:49,515
We're doing a little litigation
and light lovemaking on the side."
1249
01:27:51,350 --> 01:27:55,187
So I just keep calling her my girlfriend,
you know.
1250
01:27:57,356 --> 01:28:00,609
Recently Sara and I were hanging out.
Our daughter was over, Cicely,
1251
01:28:00,693 --> 01:28:04,363
who is just amazing. She graduated college
a couple years ago...
1252
01:28:04,447 --> 01:28:07,241
Oh, I know. And honey, a good college.
1253
01:28:07,867 --> 01:28:09,410
Early decision.
1254
01:28:10,953 --> 01:28:14,790
So she was over doing
some homemade granola
1255
01:28:14,874 --> 01:28:20,129
and high-heat cooking that she loves.
A little berry compote on the...
1256
01:28:20,212 --> 01:28:22,381
And Sara says to me out of the clear blue,
she goes,
1257
01:28:22,465 --> 01:28:26,594
"Honey, what do you feel
about cryptocurrency?"
1258
01:28:28,179 --> 01:28:31,307
I said, "Honey, you know that's not me.
I like cash."
1259
01:28:32,725 --> 01:28:36,145
I keep it hidden all over the apartment.
That's just me.
1260
01:28:36,228 --> 01:28:39,523
Cash is king. Cash is queen.
I don't give a shit. I just like cash.
1261
01:28:39,607 --> 01:28:41,067
I like the feel of it.
1262
01:28:41,150 --> 01:28:46,489
Cicely says, "Mom, Mom.
Get with the program.
1263
01:28:47,239 --> 01:28:50,534
Cryptocurrency is the future,
it's the present, it's where it's at."
1264
01:28:50,618 --> 01:28:54,205
I said, "Oh, okay. Would you like me
to cash in your
1265
01:28:55,331 --> 01:29:00,711
Morgan-Stanley bat mitzvah fund
and buy you a couple of Bitcoin?"
1266
01:29:04,924 --> 01:29:06,384
You know, um...
1267
01:29:06,467 --> 01:29:10,221
my father drove me over
from Scottsdale, Arizona
1268
01:29:10,304 --> 01:29:14,308
in my green Ford Maverick
with a landau top.
1269
01:29:14,392 --> 01:29:20,189
Through a dust storm, a sandstorm
outside of Palm Springs.
1270
01:29:20,272 --> 01:29:23,359
I said, "Dad, please pull over."
He wouldn't. We arrived
1271
01:29:23,442 --> 01:29:29,657
in L.A. on Cinco de Mayo 1974
and the party hasn't stopped since!
1272
01:29:33,953 --> 01:29:35,996
The next day, we got up early,
1273
01:29:36,080 --> 01:29:38,499
and we went right
to Charles Ross School of Beauty
1274
01:29:38,582 --> 01:29:41,168
right down the street from
Jan's Coffee Shop on Beverly.
1275
01:29:41,252 --> 01:29:43,421
Some of you might remember,
that's where I...
1276
01:29:43,504 --> 01:29:45,881
that's where I had my higher education.
1277
01:29:45,965 --> 01:29:49,301
The entire thing cost $365.
1278
01:29:50,177 --> 01:29:53,722
When I first came to L.A., I would drive
around, I would just take it all in,
1279
01:29:53,806 --> 01:29:56,225
I'd listen to "Bennie and the Jets."
1280
01:29:56,308 --> 01:30:00,396
And a limo driver pulled me over on
Santa Monica Boulevard and asked me to
1281
01:30:00,479 --> 01:30:03,399
have a cup of coffee with him
at the Pink Turtle Café
1282
01:30:03,482 --> 01:30:06,902
at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel.
I had arrived.
1283
01:30:10,364 --> 01:30:14,910
I got my first job as a manicurist
at 351 North Canon.
1284
01:30:14,994 --> 01:30:20,082
It was a woodsy affair with
macramé hanging baskets full of plants.
1285
01:30:20,624 --> 01:30:21,959
They all came in.
1286
01:30:22,042 --> 01:30:26,463
Jaclyn Smith, Dyan Cannon,
Altovise Davis,
1287
01:30:26,547 --> 01:30:30,467
Victoria Principal in a three-piece suit
and a jaunty hat.
1288
01:30:30,551 --> 01:30:34,805
She taught me how to put on mascara:
"Look up, look down, look straight ahead."
1289
01:30:37,892 --> 01:30:42,271
And then I bought my house right out here
in the valley in North Hollywood
1290
01:30:42,354 --> 01:30:47,151
on Blix between Kling and Klump
with a "K", right around the corner
1291
01:30:47,234 --> 01:30:51,405
from Hortense. "Is that whore tense?"
"No, she's always that way."
1292
01:30:59,330 --> 01:31:03,167
From my father's little book of Playboy
jokes that he kept on the bedside.
1293
01:31:03,250 --> 01:31:05,544
I studied, I pored over it.
1294
01:31:07,254 --> 01:31:11,508
You know, these magical evenings really
bring people together in a way.
1295
01:31:11,592 --> 01:31:15,179
And I'm going a little off book here.
1296
01:31:15,262 --> 01:31:20,434
I just want to say, in the world we're
living in, to come to Los Angeles,
1297
01:31:20,517 --> 01:31:25,356
a city that really embraces the unique,
whatever you are,
1298
01:31:25,439 --> 01:31:29,193
it's one of the great cities in the world.
1299
01:31:31,820 --> 01:31:37,451
Tonight, to be together, to be able to
talk about sexuality, to talk about fun,
1300
01:31:37,534 --> 01:31:41,664
and people are holding hands,
men, women, it's all people.
1301
01:31:42,623 --> 01:31:47,086
I just want to say, take the energy
tonight, go back on the road.
1302
01:31:47,169 --> 01:31:49,880
We've got some battles on our hands, kids.
1303
01:31:51,465 --> 01:31:52,800
And you know,
1304
01:31:53,425 --> 01:31:58,931
being a woman, being somebody who has made
their own decision to have a baby,
1305
01:31:59,014 --> 01:32:01,850
I didn't... I won't get into details.
1306
01:32:03,602 --> 01:32:05,396
But I can tell you one thing.
1307
01:32:05,479 --> 01:32:08,440
When you're ready to have a baby,
you have that baby.
1308
01:32:08,524 --> 01:32:12,945
But how dare they, how fucking dare they,
after the battles...
1309
01:32:13,988 --> 01:32:15,614
and the lives lost,
1310
01:32:15,698 --> 01:32:19,743
and the people who have
gone out to put their lives on the line,
1311
01:32:19,827 --> 01:32:21,996
don't you fucking dare.
1312
01:32:22,538 --> 01:32:24,248
I've had it.
1313
01:32:29,962 --> 01:32:33,299
I'm done! We're not going to fight
this shit again.
1314
01:32:33,382 --> 01:32:37,678
You go out, and you fucking march,
and you join us.
1315
01:32:37,761 --> 01:32:42,850
Men, men, men, we need you,
we need you by our sides!
1316
01:32:45,853 --> 01:32:50,232
You guys...
we're done. And I love you.
1317
01:32:50,316 --> 01:32:52,276
Thank you for coming out tonight.
1318
01:32:57,656 --> 01:33:01,869
Hi, I'm Billy Porter.
And I'm here to introduce someone
1319
01:33:01,952 --> 01:33:06,707
who is not only my friend.
She is my fairy godmother.
1320
01:33:06,790 --> 01:33:08,584
Miss Rosie O'Donnell.
1321
01:33:09,043 --> 01:33:13,547
She's a stand-up comedian,
a star of stage and screen,
1322
01:33:13,630 --> 01:33:17,301
and let's not forget,
her Emmy award-winning talk show.
1323
01:33:17,384 --> 01:33:21,180
To her viewers, watching her show
was spending an hour
1324
01:33:21,263 --> 01:33:23,474
each day with a friend.
1325
01:33:23,557 --> 01:33:26,268
When Rosie came out,
for many of those viewers,
1326
01:33:26,352 --> 01:33:29,480
she was their first gay friend.
1327
01:33:29,563 --> 01:33:32,941
She's always looked out for me,
and she's always looked out
1328
01:33:33,025 --> 01:33:36,987
for the gay community.
So, now, I give you
1329
01:33:37,071 --> 01:33:39,239
the great Rosie O'Donnell.
1330
01:33:41,241 --> 01:33:43,369
Well, hi, everyone!
1331
01:33:45,746 --> 01:33:49,041
Don't you feel a little bit gayer tonight?
1332
01:33:49,708 --> 01:33:51,543
Just a little bit more gay?
1333
01:33:52,461 --> 01:33:55,297
I was going to do this song
with Cyndi Lauper
1334
01:33:55,381 --> 01:33:58,008
and she had some family emergency
and she couldn't do it,
1335
01:33:58,092 --> 01:34:01,387
and you know, she's been the greatest ally
we've ever had
1336
01:34:02,429 --> 01:34:04,139
in our community.
1337
01:34:04,223 --> 01:34:07,601
And I thought, Trixie Mattel is the one
that's going to fill in,
1338
01:34:07,684 --> 01:34:11,563
get up, sing along,
Trixie, let's do this!
1339
01:34:12,356 --> 01:34:13,774
[Trixie] Yes!
1340
01:34:14,691 --> 01:34:16,610
Five, six, seven, eight!
1341
01:34:16,693 --> 01:34:20,072
♪ I come home in the mornin' light ♪
1342
01:34:20,155 --> 01:34:24,993
♪ My mother says
"What you gonna do with your life?" ♪
1343
01:34:25,077 --> 01:34:28,414
♪ Oh, Mama dear
You know we're fortunate ones ♪
1344
01:34:28,497 --> 01:34:31,291
♪ And girls
They wanna have fun ♪
1345
01:34:31,375 --> 01:34:32,292
Gays!
1346
01:34:32,376 --> 01:34:35,838
♪ Oh, gays just wanna have fun ♪
1347
01:34:37,714 --> 01:34:41,677
Yes, Fortune. Yes, Fortune.
This is all you, baby.
1348
01:34:43,178 --> 01:34:45,889
♪ The phone rings
In the middle of the night ♪
1349
01:34:45,973 --> 01:34:50,644
♪ My father said
"When you gonna live your life right?" ♪
1350
01:34:50,727 --> 01:34:54,148
♪ Oh, Daddy dear
You know you're still number one ♪
1351
01:34:54,231 --> 01:34:57,443
♪ But gays, they wanna have fun ♪
1352
01:34:57,943 --> 01:35:04,700
♪ Oh, gays just wanna have
That's all they really want ♪
1353
01:35:04,783 --> 01:35:08,328
♪ Some fun ♪
1354
01:35:08,412 --> 01:35:11,790
♪ When the working day is done ♪
1355
01:35:11,874 --> 01:35:15,419
♪ Oh, gays, they wanna have fun ♪
1356
01:35:16,170 --> 01:35:19,089
♪ Oh, gays just wanna have fun ♪
1357
01:35:19,173 --> 01:35:23,552
♪ Gays wanna...
Wanna have fun ♪
1358
01:35:23,635 --> 01:35:26,597
♪ Gays...
They wanna have... ♪
1359
01:35:26,680 --> 01:35:30,392
♪ That's all they really want ♪
1360
01:35:30,976 --> 01:35:34,021
♪ Some fun ♪
1361
01:35:34,104 --> 01:35:37,983
♪ When the working day is done ♪
1362
01:35:38,066 --> 01:35:41,153
♪ Oh, gays, they wanna have fun ♪
1363
01:35:41,778 --> 01:35:45,949
-♪ Oh, gays just wanna have fun ♪
-If you don't sing, you're straight. Sing!
1364
01:35:47,242 --> 01:35:49,995
♪ Wanna have fun
Gays ♪
1365
01:35:51,079 --> 01:35:52,873
♪ They wanna have fun ♪
1366
01:35:52,956 --> 01:35:55,959
♪ They just wanna
They just wanna ♪
1367
01:35:56,627 --> 01:36:00,088
♪ They just wanna
They just wanna ♪
1368
01:36:00,881 --> 01:36:04,218
♪ They just wanna
They just wanna ♪
1369
01:36:04,301 --> 01:36:05,844
♪ Have fun ♪
1370
01:36:07,346 --> 01:36:10,516
[cheering and applause]
1371
01:36:13,435 --> 01:36:16,396
Oy, vey! And up!
Use your knees, Page.
1372
01:36:16,480 --> 01:36:17,814
Come on, push it!