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[rock music]

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[announcer] <i>Please welcome Bill Burr.</i>

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All right, what's going on?

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How are you?

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Good evening.

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Good evening and welcome.

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Welcome to this wonderful evening
of stand-up comedy.

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All right, you guys have great energy.

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I like that.

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I'm liking the energy already.

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It's safe to say
I guess the pandemic's over?

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It kinda is, right?

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I mean, nobody gives a fuck anymore,
so basically, it's over, right?

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It killed all the weak people, you know?

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The strong people are here to survive.

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The fatties are gone, the asthmatics,

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people with lisps.

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None of 'em made it!

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But you guys survived.

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Yeah, you guys survived.

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Yeah, they said it killed a whole bunch
of people, but I gotta be honest.

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Have you really noticed?

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I mean, you drive down the highway,
there's still traffic.

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I thought it was gonna be like, "Wow!

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Holy shit, a lot of people died.

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That's so sad, but fucking awesome,
all at the same time!"

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I gotta be honest though,

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I saw a lot of you youngsters
didn't wear masks.

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I got upset at first,

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but then I did the math.
I understand why you didn't wear 'em.

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You know what I mean?
You knew you were gonna survive.

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Right?

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You went to college. You bought the dream.

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You left with the debt
and there was no jobs.

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So you played the only card you had.

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Get COVID and breathe on somebody older

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with a corner office.

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That's what you do, all right?

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Power is not given away.
It has to be taken.

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And people have to die,

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historically speaking.

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People have to go.

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You know what did amaze me
during all of this?

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Was the amount of shit that doctors got

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from non-doctors...
slash complete fucking morons.

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People who had to go to summer school.

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"According to my Internet research,

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if you take a little bleach,
vitamin D and aspirin…"

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And people are like, listening to 'em.

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Like, my favorite heckle doctors got
from people was, like,

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"Dude, what's the last thing
they even cured?

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What?

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Fucking polio?"

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It's like, "No. HPV."

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They just came out with a vaccine for HPV.

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No more warts on your dick.

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We should be carrying these people
around on our shoulders.

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Thank you...

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for not having to make me go down
to the doctor.

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And be like,
"That's not a birthmark, is it?"

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Or even worse, you're too shy to go,

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so you try to do self-surgery

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with a frozen Bud Light can.
"Stick it on there, freeze it off!"

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Bud Light, one of the big sponsors
of this comedy tonight.

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They say that, "What was the last
thing they cured?" How about AIDS?

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Dude, AIDS was gonna kill everybody.

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You get it from fucking.

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It was over.
Now look at it.

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Now you can get it,
they give you one pill.

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It doesn't even show up on a test!

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You can go out and bang somebody,
no condom, they don't even get it!

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According to my Internet research!

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Don't listen to me, but I think
that's what I overheard in a bar.

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"What's the last thing they cured?"

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Do you know what fake legs looked like
when I was a kid?

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Huh?

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First of all, there was only one color,
it was like Band-Aid color.

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And everybody knew you had a fake leg.

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You're fucking walking down the street and
everybody... "He's got a fake leg!

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What do you think happened?" Motorcycle
accident, fell down a flight of stairs,

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got impatient with a woodchipper.

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Right?

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Everybody knew you had a fake leg.

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Now, if you have fake legs,

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you're not allowed
to compete with people with real legs

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in the Olympics, because not
having legs is now more of an advantage

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than having real legs.

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Doctors make better legs than God.

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All right, your calves, and your feet
flopping around, are no match for a couple

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of sickles.

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These people just skiing down
the fucking street.

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You get 'em by some train tracks
that go downhill,

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you're never gonna see 'em again!

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I enjoyed people being their own doctors.
I loved it.

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Good, kill yourselves, kill yourselves.

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There's too many of us, it's fantastic.

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All right, this is a weird thing to say
in LA, but I'm really into guns.

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I do. I love guns.

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I don't own a gun, I didn't grow up
with them, so, I know that I'm an idiot,

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so I'll probably kill myself, but I don't
have a problem with guns, you know?

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Liberals gotta quit trying to take away
conservative people's guns,

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they just gotta stop doing that shit.

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Because when you try
to take away their guns,

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then you get them in a corner where

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they gotta start defending everybody
with a gun. You know?

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Like that fucking idiot,
Rittenhouse, right?

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That moron.

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And they're gonna sit there like,
"No, he's a bright guy.

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He was a good guy with a gun."

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My favorite thing about that
was why did he go up there?

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It's like, "Well, he loved his town.
He loved it."

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It's like, "Oh, yeah, when it snows out,
does he show up with a shovel?"

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"Private Rittenhouse, reporting for duty.

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Boy, oh boy, do I love this sidewalk.

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My goodness."

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I'll tell ya, that guy went
there to feel threatened.

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And he felt threatened
and he fucking killed two people.

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Turns out the two people he killed
were a convicted child molester,

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and a skateboarder.

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Two of the most annoying people
in society.

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So as dumb as this kid is,
he somehow went two for two.

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Unbelievable!

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It's like when they bring some fat guy out
of the crowd, halftime at an NBA game,

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"You hit this half-court shot, fatty,
you could win a Dodge-- fucking Durango."

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"All right."

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[shouts]

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[blows air]

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"Nothing but net! Holy shit!"

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Yeah, Rittenhouse did it twice,
"I got the other side!

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Bam!

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Skateboarder, go fuck yourself!"

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People try to say
his mother drove him to the riot.

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I don't believe that, I think that's some
liberal horseshit they made up.

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I just can't imagine that conversation
going down like that.

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Like, she's sitting at home,
hears him upstairs and is like, "Honey!

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Honey, what are you doing?

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You going out tonight?
What are you doing?"

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"Going to a riot."

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"Do you want a ride?"

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"All right, but you gotta drop me off
like two blocks away,

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so my other racist friends
don't see my mommy drove me."

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"All right,
are you gonna wear a jacket?"

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"Mom!"

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"Don't yell at me the way your father did!

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And bring your AR-15.

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I'll see you in the car."

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I don't know about that dude.

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Only thing I can say about that dude
is I hope he never does a 23andMe.

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Okay, because with those big pouty lips
I don't think he's gonna like the results.

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Then he's gonna have to go down
to the hideout, knocking on the door,

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"Come on, man, I'm like 91% you."

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<i>"Und the Führer </i>only accepts
100% percent Caucasian!"

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All right, give yourselves
a round of applause, everybody!

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[applause]

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We're gonna keep this show going.

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We've got nothing,
nothing but killers on this show.

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You guys are an awesome crowd,

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and I can't think
of a better way to start this show.

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This is one of my favorite joke writers
out there.

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She's written for all
the late-night shows,

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even performed for a president,
and she's here tonight for you.

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Please welcome the amazing Michelle Wolf!

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Come on, everybody!

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[cheers and applause]

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Give it up for Bill!

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[cheers and applause]

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You know, we're both redheads, I don't
know if this is a show or a fetish.

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I, um, I want women to get ahead.

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[light whooping]

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Yeah, we only needed four.

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I want women to get ahead, but I just
don't know if it's gonna happen.

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Because, uh, we're not good at it.

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Like, we have the first female
vice president,

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and everyone got really excited.

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They were like,
"Now little girls everywhere,

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little girls everywhere

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will know it's possible."

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Yeah, little girls everywhere else
already knew it was possible.

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America's like the last place
to have a female leader.

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She's not even really... the leader.

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We're like, the last place to have
a female leader.

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Kosovo's been a country for 13 years,
they've already had two female leaders.

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Germany had Angela Merkel
for I don't know how long,

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long enough for me
to know it's "An-guh-lah."

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Myanmar's one of the least
developed countries in Asia.

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It's had a female leader who's been
overthrown by the military twice!

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And each time, that little Asian lady
claws her way back up to the top.

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She is definitely not a white woman.

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She would've just stayed down
and been like, "This is not fair."

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"Little girls everywhere…"

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Some people make the argument,
they're like, "Well, some people

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just need to see it happen
to know it's possible."

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All right, well then, you're not a leader.

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That's like the exact opposite definition
of a leader.

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Like, "Guys, I'm gonna show you the way,

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if you could just--
if I could follow you maybe."

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And use that anywhere else,
you're in school.

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You're in school,
you're looking at someone's paper,

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and they're like--

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the teacher comes up to you
and she's like, "What are you doing?"

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And you're like,
"I just need to know it was possible."

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"Little girls."

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And they only do this
when good things happen to women.

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They don't do this
when bad things happen to women

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or when women achieve bad things.

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You know, like when <i>Two Girls, One Cup</i>
came out, no one was like...

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"Now little girls everywhere…"

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I make fun of white women a lot.

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But only because it's fun and easy.

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You know?

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And white women,
we blame a lot of stuff on white men.

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We blame a lot of stuff on white men,
which I think is a little bit crazy

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because we did make you.

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It's just made me very sure of one thing.

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White women should never be allowed
to make robots.

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Before you get all, like huffy,
I'm not saying you can't make robots,

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although I doubt it a little bit.

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I'm not--

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I'm just saying you
should never be <i>allowed </i>to make robots,

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because if robots get out of hand

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and start taking over everything
and being real evil,

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white women will be like,
"Well, I don't know, I just love 'em."

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"I mean, not my robot."

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Not all white women are bad.

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Some white women really do try
to put in the work.

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They try to do good things.

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You know, like, uh, two summers ago,

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we realized that Black lives matter.

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Then we fixed it. We did.

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Waiting till two summers ago
to realize Black lives matter

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is like needing to see that documentary
to know SeaWorld is bad.

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Like, "Did you know whales
shouldn't live in a sink?"

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But white women, they really put
in the work, you know?

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We protested.
We made signs. We really tried.

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But then something terrible happened
to a lot of white women.

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Something terrible happened to us.

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Some of us realized that we've actually
been racist this whole time.

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We were shocked!

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We were so shocked,
we pulled our purse closer.

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But after that, we were like,
"Well, from now on,

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we're gonna learn, we're gonna listen,

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00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:46,553
we're gonna hear, we're gonna open
a small Black business.

243
00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,391
But most importantly, from now on,

244
00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:54,144
we're gonna do better.
We wanna do better."

245
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:59,441
And all jokes aside, I think that's the
only way forward for us as a society.

246
00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:04,279
You can't change the past.
All you can do is better moving forward.

247
00:15:04,363 --> 00:15:07,324
And I think that's what
we should try to do.

248
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,201
[cheers and applause]

249
00:15:09,952 --> 00:15:10,953
Except...

250
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:16,166
that's almost exactly
the same thing men said about #MeToo,

251
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:19,086
and we found that answer
completely unacceptable.

252
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:23,799
Men were like,
"Us? The whole time?"

253
00:15:24,508 --> 00:15:26,885
"Well, from now on,
we're gonna learn,

254
00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,222
we're gonna listen,

255
00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:34,518
we're gonna hear,
we're gonna open a small Black business.

256
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:40,524
But most importantly, from now on,
we're gonna do better.

257
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:41,984
We wanna do better."

258
00:15:42,067 --> 00:15:45,362
And we were like,
"No! Not good enough!

259
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,322
You all have to die!

260
00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:51,368
It doesn't matter what you did,
you could've raped somebody

261
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,328
or accidentally whispered into a boob.

262
00:15:53,412 --> 00:15:54,579
It's all the same!

263
00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:57,457
And you have to die!"

264
00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:01,878
#MeToo was
the worst-run movement I've ever seen.

265
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:04,506
We ran #MeToo like Amelia Earhart.

266
00:16:09,428 --> 00:16:11,304
We crashed it immediately.

267
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:14,933
It should've been a conversation.

268
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:18,145
We needed to have a conversation about
these things, and you weren't even allowed

269
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:19,312
to ask questions.

270
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:22,691
And I know men had questions,
because I had questions.

271
00:16:23,525 --> 00:16:27,112
Like I'd hear some women say something
that was a #MeToo, and I'd be like,

272
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:31,199
"Hey, the thing that you just said is a
#MeToo, is actually a thing that I like."

273
00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:37,956
So how do we tell men about that?

274
00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:43,003
Some women would be like, "Men shouldn't
use their power to have sex."

275
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,546
And then other women would be like,

276
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:47,299
"I like it when men use their power
to have sex."

277
00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:51,053
And then men were like,
"Can you tell us which one you are?

278
00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:55,474
And we were like,
"No! But for different reasons."

279
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,229
Some women would be like,
"This man, he hit on me at work.

280
00:17:01,313 --> 00:17:04,107
It made me uncomfortable.
That's harassment."

281
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:07,277
It's like, "Okay, so do you
want no one to hit on you at work?"

282
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,821
"No, I only want the men
who I want to hit on me

283
00:17:09,905 --> 00:17:11,239
to hit on me at work."

284
00:17:14,493 --> 00:17:17,579
"Okay, do you wanna
make, like, a list of who they are?"

285
00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:19,456
"No, I'm mysterious."

286
00:17:22,501 --> 00:17:24,169
"Well then, buckle up,
Nancy Drew,

287
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:26,880
you've got some uncomfortable
times headed your way."

288
00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:31,301
White women, we do this all the time,
we say, "You made me uncomfortable.

289
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,679
I'm uncomfortable."
Like we're supposed to be comfortable.

290
00:17:34,763 --> 00:17:37,891
I've never been comfortable once
in my entire life.

291
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:41,603
When I'm about to fall asleep,
at my most relaxed,

292
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:46,066
when I'm about to fall asleep, my body
jerks awake, like, "Never rest, bitch!"

293
00:17:49,528 --> 00:17:53,365
We say everything makes us uncomfortable--
men, women--

294
00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:55,492
We say women make us uncomfortable.

295
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,285
That's the one I hate the most.

296
00:17:57,369 --> 00:18:00,914
We say women of color, all the time,
we tell them they make us uncomfortable.

297
00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:03,250
Like, a couple of years ago,
at the Super Bowl,

298
00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,961
we say J. Lo and Shakira
made us uncomfortable.

299
00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:08,255
A couple years before that
at the Super Bowl,

300
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:10,090
we said Beyoncé made us uncomfortable.

301
00:18:10,549 --> 00:18:12,843
A couple years before that
at the Super Bowl,

302
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:15,637
we said Janet Jackson
made us uncomfortable.

303
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:19,432
I think a lot of white women only see
women of color at the Super Bowl.

304
00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:23,186
They're like,
"This show is different than <i>Friends."</i>

305
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,691
But this one makes me so mad,

306
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:31,778
because this one,
women, we say it's family values.

307
00:18:31,862 --> 00:18:36,700
We say, "How dare those women move their
hips like that in front of my children

308
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:39,161
and my husband. It's immoral."

309
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:41,288
I don't think that's the word you meant.

310
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:43,456
I think you meant "jealous."

311
00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:50,338
"How dare you show my husband
how hips can move like mine can't."

312
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,093
You ever seen a white woman try to twerk?

313
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:57,345
You ever seen it?

314
00:18:58,096 --> 00:19:01,808
It looks like Pinocchio trying to walk
as a real boy for the first time.

315
00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:04,144
Just like...

316
00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:11,568
"Am I doing it?"

317
00:19:12,611 --> 00:19:15,697
Thank you, guys, very much.
I'm Michelle Wolf, have a good night.

318
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,240
[cheers and applause]

319
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:19,075
[Burr] Michelle Wolf, everybody!

320
00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:21,912
Michelle Wolf, come on!

321
00:19:25,457 --> 00:19:26,583
Killing it, killing it.

322
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:29,628
All right, you guys hanging in there,
you're having a good time, right?

323
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,713
Just keeps getting better.

324
00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:34,424
All right, this next guy comes all the way
from London, England,

325
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,593
one of the biggest comics out there,

326
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:40,347
he has a great special out called
<i>His Dark Material </i>on Netflix,

327
00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:43,767
please welcome the one and only
Jimmy Carr, everybody, come on!

328
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,977
[cheers and applause]

329
00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:46,895
Nice.

330
00:19:50,649 --> 00:19:51,733
Okay.

331
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,282
Thank you, thank you very much.

332
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:04,537
Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Jimmy Carr.

333
00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:06,706
It's great to be with you here
this evening.

334
00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:08,541
I'll tell you why it's great to be here.

335
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:11,544
We're drinking, my friends,
in the Last Chance Saloon.

336
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:15,966
What I'm saying onstage tonight
is barely acceptable now.

337
00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:20,220
In ten years' time,
fucking forget about it.

338
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:24,349
You're gonna be able to tell your
grandchildren about seeing this show.

339
00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:25,934
Yeah.

340
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:29,688
You'll say,
"I saw a man, and he stood on stage,

341
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:32,732
and he made light of serious situations.

342
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,527
We used to call them jokes.

343
00:20:36,987 --> 00:20:38,822
And people would laugh."

344
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,367
And your grandchildren
will ask, they'll say,

345
00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:45,036
"Non-binary elder."

346
00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:47,998
[laughter]

347
00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:54,713
"Non-binary elder,
what's a joke?"

348
00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:58,967
And you'll say, "You are."

349
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:09,519
I say you can joke about anything,
but not with anyone.

350
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,939
I think with you good people this evening,
I should be fine, right?

351
00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:14,649
[audience cheers]

352
00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:19,404
Well, let's see, shall we?

353
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,240
We'll put that to the test.

354
00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:29,372
Having sex is like riding a bike…
my uncle taught me when I was a kid.

355
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,049
People say the best things
in life are free,

356
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:41,801
but those people have clearly
never had sex.

357
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,811
I like it when the girl puts the condom
on for you,

358
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:54,272
but I was asked to leave the pharmacy.

359
00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:02,739
My girlfriend doesn't think that her
sister is trustworthy, but believe me,

360
00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:04,699
that girl can keep a secret.

361
00:22:12,582 --> 00:22:14,876
Is anyone here
in a controlling relationship?

362
00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,294
Raise your partner's hand.

363
00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:19,589
Yes.

364
00:22:23,885 --> 00:22:30,642
I want One Direction to do a BTS covers
medley at my funeral, because that way,

365
00:22:30,725 --> 00:22:32,060
I'll be glad I'm dead.

366
00:22:35,355 --> 00:22:39,567
Now, you might think this is silly,
but I assure you it's absolutely true.

367
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:44,697
When Zane left One Direction,
for me, it was like 9/11.

368
00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:48,827
Yeah, I didn't care about that either.

369
00:22:54,999 --> 00:22:57,919
Well, there's a real generational
divide there, I can see…

370
00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:02,048
Some people are looking at me like,
"9/11, steady on."

371
00:23:02,132 --> 00:23:04,092
And other people
are looking at me like,

372
00:23:04,175 --> 00:23:06,594
"One Direction,
don't take their name in vain!"

373
00:23:09,973 --> 00:23:13,685
I was actually supposed to be on one
of the planes on 9/11.

374
00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:16,354
But the more interesting story
is how I met Osama.

375
00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:28,366
When you're young, pedophiles are
something to laugh at, the local creep.

376
00:23:28,449 --> 00:23:33,371
But then you grow up, have your own kids,
with their own unique personalities

377
00:23:33,454 --> 00:23:36,499
and quirks and difficulties,
and it suddenly hits you.

378
00:23:37,041 --> 00:23:39,878
"What the fuck do these pedos
see in these little shits?"

379
00:23:46,176 --> 00:23:48,219
I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson
impersonation,

380
00:23:48,303 --> 00:23:49,804
would you like to see it?

381
00:23:49,888 --> 00:23:51,264
[audience cheers]

382
00:23:52,056 --> 00:23:55,685
Okay, I just need a young volunteer who
can keep a secret, come on up.

383
00:23:56,436 --> 00:23:57,395
Yeah.

384
00:23:57,478 --> 00:23:59,272
What are you getting up for?

385
00:24:00,481 --> 00:24:02,567
Wait a second, this is a teachable moment.

386
00:24:02,650 --> 00:24:05,737
If a grown man beckons you forth,

387
00:24:06,237 --> 00:24:08,072
as he undoes his flies,

388
00:24:09,574 --> 00:24:11,868
this is some stranger danger, son.

389
00:24:13,286 --> 00:24:14,495
What's your name?

390
00:24:14,579 --> 00:24:16,289
-Mikey.
-[Carr] Mikey.

391
00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:18,458
Let's hear it for Mikey, everyone.

392
00:24:18,541 --> 00:24:20,919
That-- because, you know why?

393
00:24:22,754 --> 00:24:25,131
That is commitment to a night out
at a comedy show.

394
00:24:26,299 --> 00:24:28,551
That is a young man
that's thought to himself,

395
00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:31,262
"Oh, it's the bit in the show
where I suck his cock. Great!"

396
00:24:35,642 --> 00:24:38,102
Everyone loved Michael Jackson
in the '80s, right?

397
00:24:38,186 --> 00:24:41,814
He was the coolest guy in the world.
Coolest guy in the world, bar none.

398
00:24:41,898 --> 00:24:45,902
And really, the high point of that cool
was the moonwalk at the Grammys.

399
00:24:45,985 --> 00:24:48,529
Remember that? People lost their minds
at how cool it was,

400
00:24:48,613 --> 00:24:51,449
when really, the moonwalk was no more
than-- it was that.

401
00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:56,579
I know I'm not nailing this,
but that was the gist of it, right?

402
00:24:56,663 --> 00:24:59,582
That was the coolest shit
we'd ever fucking seen!

403
00:24:59,666 --> 00:25:02,710
Of course, we didn't realize at the time,
it had been developed

404
00:25:02,794 --> 00:25:05,713
for sneaking in and out
of children's bedrooms. We had no idea.

405
00:25:07,090 --> 00:25:09,008
It's so obvious now.

406
00:25:10,802 --> 00:25:12,262
Now, I've never fucked a kid.

407
00:25:12,345 --> 00:25:14,264
I nearly did just then, didn't I?

408
00:25:15,390 --> 00:25:16,808
But I've never fucked a kid.

409
00:25:16,891 --> 00:25:19,978
But if I did fuck a kid, I think I know
how I'd leave the room.

410
00:25:25,483 --> 00:25:28,778
Do you remember the incident in the '90s
with Michael Jackson?

411
00:25:28,861 --> 00:25:33,116
Where he was on tour in Germany?
He had the whole top floor of a hotel?

412
00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:38,955
And he had the baby, and he held the baby
over the balcony, and he shook the baby.

413
00:25:39,914 --> 00:25:40,957
Crazy.

414
00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:44,085
You can't get cum off a baby like that.

415
00:25:48,715 --> 00:25:51,467
[cheers and applause]

416
00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:55,596
Somewhat ironically that has really
separated the men from the boys,

417
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:56,764
hasn't it?

418
00:25:59,142 --> 00:26:01,644
I've been Jimmy Carr,
thank you very much indeed.

419
00:26:01,728 --> 00:26:03,104
Cheers. Good night. Thank you.

420
00:26:04,105 --> 00:26:05,064
Cheers.

421
00:26:05,815 --> 00:26:07,317
[Burr] Jimmy Carr, everybody.

422
00:26:08,526 --> 00:26:10,528
Not bad for a foreigner, huh?

423
00:26:11,571 --> 00:26:13,614
Yeah, he comes from England.

424
00:26:13,698 --> 00:26:16,284
That's ground zero
for white people right there.

425
00:26:16,909 --> 00:26:17,994
Yes, it is.

426
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:22,373
That's why I got the vaccine, because they
were testing it out in England first.

427
00:26:22,457 --> 00:26:26,878
And I'm like, "That's the whitest fucking
place ever. That shit must work." Right?

428
00:26:26,961 --> 00:26:30,840
If they tried it out initially in Haiti,
I'd be like, "All right.

429
00:26:30,923 --> 00:26:34,010
My people are up
to their old tricks again."

430
00:26:34,093 --> 00:26:36,512
"Are they putting it in blankets?"

431
00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:39,265
"Oh!" It happened.

432
00:26:39,349 --> 00:26:41,517
You're groaning history,
you fucking pussies.

433
00:26:41,601 --> 00:26:44,354
All right, let's keep this show
moving along.

434
00:26:44,437 --> 00:26:47,774
This next comedian, I actually just
saw a clip of her on Instagram

435
00:26:47,857 --> 00:26:50,068
a couple months ago
and instantly became a huge fan.

436
00:26:50,151 --> 00:26:52,653
She's absolutely hilarious.
I love her to death.

437
00:26:52,737 --> 00:26:55,865
Please welcome Steph Tolev, everybody.
Come on, Steph Tolev.

438
00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:57,325
[cheers and applause]

439
00:26:57,408 --> 00:26:58,993
-[Burr] Welcome back.
-[Tolev shouts]

440
00:26:59,077 --> 00:27:00,828
Hey!

441
00:27:00,912 --> 00:27:02,663
How the hell are we?

442
00:27:03,706 --> 00:27:07,377
This is nice, 'scuse me,
gotta air out the puss, huh?

443
00:27:08,503 --> 00:27:11,506
Gotta let the big ol' gal breathe a bit,
huh, ladies?

444
00:27:12,173 --> 00:27:15,218
Take in a deep, big breath of air, huh?

445
00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:17,220
I'm wearing shorts, what are you, 16?

446
00:27:17,303 --> 00:27:19,972
You're like, "Whoopsies,
excuse me, how are we?"

447
00:27:20,056 --> 00:27:21,641
I'm kidding, I check IDs.

448
00:27:21,724 --> 00:27:23,434
How are we? This is fun.

449
00:27:23,851 --> 00:27:25,395
How do we like the mullet?

450
00:27:26,104 --> 00:27:27,939
[audience cheers]

451
00:27:28,022 --> 00:27:30,983
Okay, now that's a reaction!

452
00:27:31,067 --> 00:27:33,027
Did any straight men clap?

453
00:27:34,862 --> 00:27:37,365
Not enough of you, not enough!

454
00:27:38,032 --> 00:27:39,659
Damn it all to hell.

455
00:27:39,742 --> 00:27:42,995
I am straight, and this haircut is not
fucking helping me.

456
00:27:44,205 --> 00:27:47,792
Neither is anything I'm doing right now.
Does this help, if I take a knee?

457
00:27:47,875 --> 00:27:49,168
Is this what men like?

458
00:27:49,794 --> 00:27:51,754
When a gal gets down like this?

459
00:27:52,672 --> 00:27:54,674
I'm straight, I'll prove it right now,
I swear to God.

460
00:27:54,757 --> 00:27:57,510
Little guy, get up here, I'll jerk you off
right now, I swear to God.

461
00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,721
Bring your little friend,
I'll do you both at the same time.

462
00:28:00,805 --> 00:28:02,723
Yeah! Fuck!

463
00:28:03,766 --> 00:28:05,476
Like those ropes in the gym...

464
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:08,312
All right! Here we go! Fuck!

465
00:28:09,272 --> 00:28:10,731
I'll make 'em slap, don't worry.

466
00:28:10,815 --> 00:28:13,192
Oh, it's not gonna feel good, no, no, no.

467
00:28:13,276 --> 00:28:15,486
No, you're not gonna like it at all.

468
00:28:16,237 --> 00:28:20,158
I'll make sure you finish, don't worry.
[laughs evilly]

469
00:28:20,241 --> 00:28:21,784
It'll take a while.

470
00:28:24,287 --> 00:28:26,789
I'm so sorry,
I don't wanna be like this, um...

471
00:28:27,457 --> 00:28:28,749
I've tried women, I have.

472
00:28:28,833 --> 00:28:31,461
You're like, "We know."
I've tried several times.

473
00:28:31,544 --> 00:28:33,463
I keep ending up down there, I'm like,

474
00:28:33,546 --> 00:28:35,590
"This again?
What the heck am I eating out?"

475
00:28:35,673 --> 00:28:38,009
I finish my plate though,
I'm not rude.

476
00:28:38,426 --> 00:28:41,012
I'm not gonna leave it, that's rude,
I lick the whole thing clean.

477
00:28:41,095 --> 00:28:43,598
What am I, a waste? I don't think so.

478
00:28:43,681 --> 00:28:46,684
Oh, I'm not a rude person, I swear to God.

479
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:49,771
Dating in LA is a nightmare, can we agree?

480
00:28:49,854 --> 00:28:51,689
It's a fucking piece of shit, dating here?

481
00:28:51,773 --> 00:28:52,857
-[light cheering]
-Yeah.

482
00:28:52,940 --> 00:28:56,027
Four people, the rest of you are in love.
Go suck my ass.

483
00:28:56,110 --> 00:28:57,403
Pieces of shit.

484
00:28:57,487 --> 00:29:00,782
I'm a boiled ham
in Los Angeles on Tinder.

485
00:29:00,865 --> 00:29:04,035
Don't-- Relax, I'm a hot piece
in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

486
00:29:04,118 --> 00:29:05,203
So don't worry.

487
00:29:05,286 --> 00:29:07,872
Yeah, get my tits sucked right off

488
00:29:07,955 --> 00:29:09,749
in Michigan, feels good.

489
00:29:09,832 --> 00:29:13,795
I will say though, I did clean up on
Tinder in LA during the pandemic because,

490
00:29:13,878 --> 00:29:17,423
ooh, all the hot boys, you got real sad,
didn't ya?

491
00:29:19,050 --> 00:29:20,676
You got real lonely.

492
00:29:21,344 --> 00:29:23,221
And you got real desperate.

493
00:29:24,722 --> 00:29:28,142
And all the pretty blond girls
didn't swipe right, did they?

494
00:29:29,268 --> 00:29:32,271
Guess who did? [laughs]

495
00:29:32,355 --> 00:29:35,983
Old Stephy T. crawled out of the well.
[laughs]

496
00:29:36,609 --> 00:29:38,528
Oh yeah, I fucked a bunch of tens.

497
00:29:38,611 --> 00:29:39,821
Felt good, felt good.

498
00:29:39,904 --> 00:29:43,115
Yeah, thank you, it felt good to be on top
for once, it really did.

499
00:29:43,199 --> 00:29:46,202
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

500
00:29:46,285 --> 00:29:49,413
One cried. Paul.
Yeah, he was very upset.

501
00:29:49,497 --> 00:29:52,834
He's like, "Can we please turn lights
off?" I'm like, "We're keeping them on."

502
00:29:53,584 --> 00:29:56,963
I was being disgusting during
the pandemic, just being a gross person.

503
00:29:57,046 --> 00:29:58,339
I was having sex outside.

504
00:29:58,422 --> 00:30:01,050
I'm like, "You can't get COVID
if you're in a field."

505
00:30:02,844 --> 00:30:05,263
You can get chlamydia, though.
You can, you can.

506
00:30:05,346 --> 00:30:10,476
Yeah, but is it chlamydia
if all of the STD clinics are closed?

507
00:30:12,436 --> 00:30:15,690
Yeah, it was chlamydia, yeah, for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

508
00:30:15,773 --> 00:30:18,526
You need a pill for that drip,
big time, big time.

509
00:30:20,736 --> 00:30:22,864
Only person who's had an STD, shut up.

510
00:30:22,947 --> 00:30:25,783
I'll come by and check your underwear
one by one.

511
00:30:25,867 --> 00:30:28,452
You're like, "This is very strange,
please don't."

512
00:30:28,536 --> 00:30:30,705
Are you pigs still 69-ing out there?

513
00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:32,999
[audience cheering]

514
00:30:33,624 --> 00:30:36,961
Disgusting, every last one of you.
I think it should be a federal offense.

515
00:30:37,044 --> 00:30:39,422
You should be arrested on sight
for doing it.

516
00:30:39,505 --> 00:30:40,923
It's for young, hot, thin people.

517
00:30:41,007 --> 00:30:44,677
You get older, you get bigger,
things get slippy, things get sloppy.

518
00:30:45,928 --> 00:30:48,890
I got duped by a man at 10:00 a.m.
with two rattails.

519
00:30:50,016 --> 00:30:51,267
It's a lot to unpack.

520
00:30:51,350 --> 00:30:52,685
Take that in for a second.

521
00:30:53,227 --> 00:30:55,980
Two rattails?
One rattail too many.

522
00:30:57,356 --> 00:30:59,817
Two rattails?
Two too many.

523
00:31:00,484 --> 00:31:02,361
10:00 a.m., 69 lady?

524
00:31:02,445 --> 00:31:04,155
No one's ready for that.

525
00:31:04,530 --> 00:31:08,034
On all fours, sun beaming directly
into your asshole.

526
00:31:09,744 --> 00:31:12,830
Oh, you all have pristine anuses
in this room?

527
00:31:12,914 --> 00:31:14,290
I don't think so.

528
00:31:14,749 --> 00:31:17,418
The same mullet on my head,
also over my asshole.

529
00:31:17,501 --> 00:31:20,421
Doesn't matter how many times I shave.

530
00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:22,673
There's a couple stragglers
back there, huh?

531
00:31:22,757 --> 00:31:27,887
Couple loosies peeking out to say,
"Hello! Miss me?"

532
00:31:30,598 --> 00:31:32,308
I'm on all fours, sucking in,

533
00:31:32,391 --> 00:31:34,727
I'm tucking in, everything's hanging out.

534
00:31:34,810 --> 00:31:38,022
Oh, only one other woman
has a fat labia? Yeah, right.

535
00:31:39,190 --> 00:31:41,943
No one has the old dog tongue,
just hanging out the side?

536
00:31:42,026 --> 00:31:44,487
I'm the only one? Relax.

537
00:31:46,155 --> 00:31:49,867
I'm holding onto his ankles,
his feet are so dirty for some reason.

538
00:31:50,868 --> 00:31:54,580
Covered with hair and crumbs, I'm like,
"Where were you before this, man?

539
00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:58,876
"Walking around a play place?
Turn on a sock, what are you doing?"

540
00:31:59,961 --> 00:32:02,254
Looking at his long,
disgusting balls.

541
00:32:02,338 --> 00:32:05,549
I'm like, "I don't think they're supposed
to be stretched out like this, why is it?

542
00:32:05,633 --> 00:32:08,469
It just looks like something
ran it over before you got here.

543
00:32:08,970 --> 00:32:11,847
You need to seek medical attention
immediately after this."

544
00:32:13,057 --> 00:32:16,894
Sniffing the tip
of his disgusting penis.

545
00:32:16,978 --> 00:32:21,357
Every man in this room thinks that women
smell down there.

546
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:25,569
I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but, your cock fucking reeks.

547
00:32:25,653 --> 00:32:26,487
Sorry.

548
00:32:26,988 --> 00:32:28,364
Excuse me.

549
00:32:28,906 --> 00:32:31,450
Yeah, the guys got real quiet, huh?

550
00:32:32,201 --> 00:32:35,246
Let's see who we got here, guy
in the front row. You've got a stinker.

551
00:32:35,329 --> 00:32:40,167
You've got an old, tiny,
middle of a book stink, huh?

552
00:32:40,835 --> 00:32:43,087
The Old Testament, this guy smells like.

553
00:32:46,215 --> 00:32:48,843
So easy to clean it, simple stuff.

554
00:32:48,926 --> 00:32:52,346
Go to the bathroom, fill up the sink,
dip him in.

555
00:32:53,597 --> 00:32:57,393
Splish splash, just the tip, mwah,
a little smooch to the water.

556
00:32:58,227 --> 00:33:00,980
You don't think every girl in here
has gone to freshen up?

557
00:33:01,063 --> 00:33:04,400
You guys know what freshening up means?
When we go, "Be right back!"

558
00:33:04,483 --> 00:33:05,359
[laughs]

559
00:33:06,152 --> 00:33:08,779
In the bathroom,
sink on, leg up, full blast like...

560
00:33:08,863 --> 00:33:11,574
"Fuck me! Fuck!

561
00:33:11,657 --> 00:33:13,159
He's gonna know!"

562
00:33:14,076 --> 00:33:18,330
Using that watered-down soap,
if there's no suds, that's no longer soap.

563
00:33:18,956 --> 00:33:20,791
That's water in a jar.

564
00:33:22,084 --> 00:33:25,087
Using that crusted towel,
just wipes the water around.

565
00:33:25,171 --> 00:33:27,465
Come out dripping, he's like,
"You ready to go?"

566
00:33:27,548 --> 00:33:31,927
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm horny, let's fucking
do this. You made me so wet."

567
00:33:34,972 --> 00:33:36,265
Men don't like funny women.

568
00:33:36,348 --> 00:33:38,517
You say you do, you say you want it.
No, you don't.

569
00:33:38,601 --> 00:33:40,227
No you don't, you're liars.

570
00:33:40,311 --> 00:33:41,645
Especially in the bedroom.

571
00:33:41,729 --> 00:33:45,274
Not the time, not the place,
don't bring the jokes to the boudoir.

572
00:33:45,357 --> 00:33:48,861
Kept doing this one bit where I take out
a guy's dick and go, "Is this thing on?"

573
00:33:48,944 --> 00:33:50,571
Never got a laugh, not once.

574
00:33:51,113 --> 00:33:53,741
Did it for a year, it was like,
"Read the room."

575
00:33:53,824 --> 00:33:55,868
Kept doing this other bit,
this one I had to stop

576
00:33:55,951 --> 00:33:58,412
because guys were getting
freaked out before we'd finish up.

577
00:33:58,496 --> 00:34:02,875
He'd be like, "Oh, what do I do with
the condom?" I'm like, "I'll take that."

578
00:34:03,709 --> 00:34:05,377
"I'm saving it for later!"

579
00:34:06,962 --> 00:34:08,839
And I would pretend that I had a weird

580
00:34:08,923 --> 00:34:12,593
mini-fridge in my room for some reason,
I'm like, "It's still warm." [growls]

581
00:34:13,135 --> 00:34:16,514
I'm like, "Why am I acting like a gargoyle
the second sex is finished?"

582
00:34:17,056 --> 00:34:19,266
So if anybody wants
to come back to my well tonight,

583
00:34:19,350 --> 00:34:21,519
I got a little bit more room
in the fridge. [growls]

584
00:34:21,602 --> 00:34:23,979
Thank you so much, my name is Steph Tolev.

585
00:34:24,063 --> 00:34:25,815
[cheers and applause]

586
00:34:26,524 --> 00:34:28,859
Steph Tolev, everybody, Steph Tolev.

587
00:34:28,943 --> 00:34:29,777
Come on!

588
00:34:30,528 --> 00:34:33,823
Amazing, amazing.

589
00:34:34,865 --> 00:34:38,285
"Middle of a book stink."
I don't think I'll forget that.

590
00:34:40,621 --> 00:34:43,332
I don't even read,
and I know what that smells like.

591
00:34:44,375 --> 00:34:47,837
The next people coming to the stage,
two of my favorite comedians

592
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,923
actually come out together and do
something called "Bumping Mics."

593
00:34:51,006 --> 00:34:54,176
Please welcome Jeff Ross and Dave Attell.

594
00:34:54,718 --> 00:34:56,470
[cheers and applause]

595
00:34:56,554 --> 00:34:57,596
What's up?

596
00:35:00,099 --> 00:35:01,684
Here you go. Boom!

597
00:35:02,351 --> 00:35:03,686
Bump it out!

598
00:35:04,270 --> 00:35:06,272
-How's it going, everybody?
-Bump it out!

599
00:35:06,355 --> 00:35:07,231
Yes!

600
00:35:07,940 --> 00:35:10,234
That's what I'm talking about!

601
00:35:10,317 --> 00:35:11,402
Awesome!

602
00:35:12,695 --> 00:35:14,488
-Yeah!
-Look at it.

603
00:35:14,572 --> 00:35:15,990
This is amazing, Dave.

604
00:35:16,073 --> 00:35:18,075
-Welcome to Hollywood, baby.
-We did it.

605
00:35:18,159 --> 00:35:21,328
Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival,
what do you think?

606
00:35:21,412 --> 00:35:24,415
Dude, I am so excited,
I gotta tell you something.

607
00:35:24,915 --> 00:35:28,460
First of all, I haven't seen this guy
in like, three variants.

608
00:35:28,544 --> 00:35:29,920
And you know,

609
00:35:30,629 --> 00:35:33,340
Jeff, I know, um,
you can't stay all night

610
00:35:33,424 --> 00:35:36,552
because you have to get up early
to work security at a food court.

611
00:35:36,635 --> 00:35:37,595
But, um...

612
00:35:39,889 --> 00:35:41,348
Thanks, Dave.

613
00:35:41,432 --> 00:35:42,933
It's a slamfest, my friend.

614
00:35:43,017 --> 00:35:45,936
I'm gonna be nice to you,
I don't wanna tease you because...

615
00:35:46,478 --> 00:35:47,646
you know, Dave and I,

616
00:35:47,730 --> 00:35:50,399
Dave's had some health issues,
we have the same doctor.

617
00:35:50,482 --> 00:35:54,445
My proctologist is Dave's
ear, nose, and throat doctor.

618
00:35:56,322 --> 00:35:57,656
Jeff, you know what?

619
00:35:57,740 --> 00:36:00,409
Dave's… I'm gonna
keep going, motherfucker.

620
00:36:00,492 --> 00:36:02,953
Go ahead, buddy,
hit me with something already.

621
00:36:03,037 --> 00:36:05,748
Dave's not on TikTok,
but he does have seconds to live.

622
00:36:07,625 --> 00:36:09,543
Everyone loves a math joke.

623
00:36:09,627 --> 00:36:12,379
-Can I do some more? Can I-- Hold on!
-Dave how long have you...

624
00:36:12,463 --> 00:36:13,714
-Can I do some...
-No!

625
00:36:13,797 --> 00:36:17,426
Dave's not just a good comedian,
he's also a great impressionist.

626
00:36:17,509 --> 00:36:20,763
Every night he does an impression
of Amber Heard when he shits his bed.

627
00:36:21,805 --> 00:36:24,808
Oh, dude, all right, that's it.

628
00:36:25,976 --> 00:36:27,603
Hey, it's time for me to go.

629
00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:28,771
All right?

630
00:36:28,854 --> 00:36:31,315
Jeff, you know, I have to tell you this,
all right?

631
00:36:31,398 --> 00:36:34,235
You're the kind of guy who buys a gerbil,
but keeps the receipt,

632
00:36:34,318 --> 00:36:36,445
just in case it doesn't fit.
All right?

633
00:36:36,946 --> 00:36:38,906
They grow, they grow.

634
00:36:39,490 --> 00:36:40,991
I'm just telling you, buddy.

635
00:36:41,075 --> 00:36:43,077
I don't care, Dave,
I'm feeling invincible.

636
00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:45,371
I just got my 38th vaccine shot.

637
00:36:45,454 --> 00:36:46,330
[Attell] Sweet.

638
00:36:46,413 --> 00:36:49,541
Johnson & Johnson & Johnson
& Johnson & Johnson & Johnson...

639
00:36:49,625 --> 00:36:50,542
[Attell] That's the best.

640
00:36:50,626 --> 00:36:54,296
I've been licking strangers' assholes
at the airport all day, I feel great.

641
00:36:54,380 --> 00:36:55,214
Oh, why not?

642
00:36:55,965 --> 00:36:57,258
Did you get vaccinated?

643
00:36:57,341 --> 00:36:59,843
Well, I'm old, so I got mine in 1919.

644
00:36:59,927 --> 00:37:03,222
You know, it was me, Chaplin, and...

645
00:37:04,056 --> 00:37:07,559
This crowd's so young, they don't even
know what we're talking about here.

646
00:37:07,643 --> 00:37:11,146
I got COVID.
Any other COVID survivors?

647
00:37:11,230 --> 00:37:13,023
[audience cheers]

648
00:37:13,107 --> 00:37:15,359
Anybody else lose their sense of taste?

649
00:37:17,152 --> 00:37:19,697
I went to see the Dave Matthews Band
at the Greek.

650
00:37:23,325 --> 00:37:24,618
-Nice one.
-Thanks.

651
00:37:24,702 --> 00:37:25,577
[Attell] Wow.

652
00:37:25,661 --> 00:37:28,789
It was touch and go with Nickelback
for a while, but I'm okay now.

653
00:37:28,872 --> 00:37:30,708
Jeff, you're killing it tonight.

654
00:37:30,791 --> 00:37:32,293
It's good times, Dave.

655
00:37:32,376 --> 00:37:35,754
And look at this crowd, dude, I know how
you love to jump into the crowd.

656
00:37:35,838 --> 00:37:37,673
You are the Roastmaster.
Are you going down?

657
00:37:37,756 --> 00:37:40,384
Go down, buddy.
Get down there.

658
00:37:41,593 --> 00:37:43,762
Here he comes, everyone, the Roastmaster.

659
00:37:43,846 --> 00:37:44,972
[Ross] Oh, look at this guy.

660
00:37:45,639 --> 00:37:47,182
Fully vaxxed, fully waxed.

661
00:37:47,266 --> 00:37:49,518
All right. Who wants to say hi?
You want to say hi?

662
00:37:49,601 --> 00:37:51,270
-Stand up for a second.
-Oh.

663
00:37:51,353 --> 00:37:53,355
Look, it's Dave Chappelle's
security guard.

664
00:37:53,439 --> 00:37:54,273
Wow.

665
00:37:55,566 --> 00:37:57,568
I got a question for this guy.

666
00:37:57,651 --> 00:37:59,320
-What?
-What's your name, buddy?

667
00:37:59,403 --> 00:38:00,279
My name's Ari.

668
00:38:00,362 --> 00:38:02,448
Ari, what time does Legoland open?

669
00:38:02,531 --> 00:38:03,907
I wanna know...

670
00:38:06,076 --> 00:38:08,662
Who you here with, Ari?
The rest of the <i>yeshiva?</i>

671
00:38:11,123 --> 00:38:14,293
This guy right here,
the whole cast of <i>Squid Game.</i>

672
00:38:14,376 --> 00:38:15,961
-[Attell] Yes!
-Thank you for coming.

673
00:38:16,795 --> 00:38:19,757
I won a lot of money on you, man.
Way to go.

674
00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:21,884
This is like an infomercial for My Pillow.

675
00:38:21,967 --> 00:38:22,843
I love it.

676
00:38:23,469 --> 00:38:24,887
Miss, how ya doing?

677
00:38:24,970 --> 00:38:27,306
Dave, you have a cat joke for this woman?

678
00:38:27,389 --> 00:38:28,223
Nice.

679
00:38:29,725 --> 00:38:31,685
-What's your name?
-Kat.

680
00:38:35,064 --> 00:38:38,650
Jeff, we only got seven minutes before
they take back the audio. Come on.

681
00:38:39,318 --> 00:38:40,861
Get back up here, dude.

682
00:38:41,445 --> 00:38:42,946
We have to bring it, buddy.

683
00:38:44,073 --> 00:38:47,409
-It's a good crowd, Dave, very good crowd.
-They're awesome.

684
00:38:47,493 --> 00:38:49,995
-I got a big week coming up.
-What are you doing?

685
00:38:50,079 --> 00:38:53,374
I have an audition tomorrow
for Alec Baldwin's new sitcom.

686
00:38:53,457 --> 00:38:54,541
What is it?

687
00:38:54,625 --> 00:38:56,335
Yeah, it's called "30 Glock."

688
00:38:58,670 --> 00:39:01,924
It's a cross between <i>Just Shoot Me!</i>
and <i>Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.</i>

689
00:39:02,007 --> 00:39:02,883
Oh, my God.

690
00:39:03,759 --> 00:39:05,803
-Is nothing sacred?
-Nothing.

691
00:39:05,886 --> 00:39:07,763
What about you?
What's going on with you?

692
00:39:07,846 --> 00:39:10,808
Well, you saw that movie about my career,
<i>A Quiet Place?</i>

693
00:39:10,891 --> 00:39:12,351
-Yeah.
-And, um...

694
00:39:13,936 --> 00:39:17,022
I don't know what to tell ya,
buddy, um...

695
00:39:17,106 --> 00:39:18,732
We comics, we need each other.

696
00:39:18,816 --> 00:39:20,984
-And we need to laugh more than ever.
-[Attell] We do.

697
00:39:21,068 --> 00:39:25,239
I wanna give a shout-out to my friend,
and Dave's favorite comic of all time,

698
00:39:25,322 --> 00:39:27,449
Gilbert Gottfried
who passed away recently.

699
00:39:27,533 --> 00:39:28,951
One of the greats.

700
00:39:31,245 --> 00:39:32,538
He was a great guy.

701
00:39:34,415 --> 00:39:37,793
I was with him the night
before he passed away,

702
00:39:37,876 --> 00:39:39,294
and then you went to see him.

703
00:39:39,378 --> 00:39:41,755
You might be the last person
that ever saw him alive.

704
00:39:41,839 --> 00:39:44,842
Yes, I'll never forget holding
that pillow over his head.

705
00:39:44,925 --> 00:39:48,137
And-- I was trying
to make him comfortable.

706
00:39:49,721 --> 00:39:54,560
In honor of our friend Gilbert,
can we have a moment of screaming?

707
00:39:54,643 --> 00:39:55,477
Yes.

708
00:39:55,978 --> 00:39:59,356
[audience screams]

709
00:40:00,649 --> 00:40:02,943
Thank you, I love you guys so much.

710
00:40:03,026 --> 00:40:06,822
-Can we bring Bill out for a second?
-[Attell] Yeah, let's bring Bill out.

711
00:40:06,905 --> 00:40:08,157
Here he comes.

712
00:40:08,574 --> 00:40:10,492
-What's up, gentlemen?
-Captain of the ship.

713
00:40:10,576 --> 00:40:11,493
Hi, Bill.

714
00:40:11,577 --> 00:40:14,037
I don't like standing
in between the two of you guys.

715
00:40:14,121 --> 00:40:17,416
Feel like you're gonna say something,
make me hurt my feelings or something.

716
00:40:17,499 --> 00:40:19,418
Thanks for having us on your shitty show.

717
00:40:19,501 --> 00:40:20,335
It's awesome.

718
00:40:20,419 --> 00:40:24,131
Well, they said we want to get some
of the shittiest comics we could find,

719
00:40:24,214 --> 00:40:26,758
-and I said, "I can get you two for one."
-[Attell] Thank you.

720
00:40:26,842 --> 00:40:28,385
[all laugh]

721
00:40:29,261 --> 00:40:30,095
Hey!

722
00:40:31,054 --> 00:40:32,181
[Attell] Good hit, Bill.

723
00:40:32,848 --> 00:40:33,932
[Ross] That's good.

724
00:40:34,016 --> 00:40:36,393
Why are you wearing a children's bathrobe?

725
00:40:38,020 --> 00:40:39,229
Nice one, Bill.

726
00:40:39,813 --> 00:40:42,399
I always wondered what
the Blue Man Group would look like

727
00:40:42,483 --> 00:40:45,068
when they weren't wearing the makeup.
And it's--

728
00:40:48,071 --> 00:40:49,990
Oh, guilty as charged.

729
00:40:50,073 --> 00:40:51,992
I like it.
I like it, Dave.

730
00:40:52,075 --> 00:40:54,203
Dave, I gotta tell you,
you're my favorite hoarder.

731
00:40:54,286 --> 00:40:55,579
[laughs] Thank you.

732
00:40:58,290 --> 00:41:01,752
Nice to see you wore your clean jacket
for this TV taping.

733
00:41:02,211 --> 00:41:05,547
Bill, and I can never thank you
enough for letting me live in your car.

734
00:41:05,631 --> 00:41:06,882
I really...

735
00:41:07,424 --> 00:41:09,551
Dave's dressed for Wednesday and Thursday.

736
00:41:09,635 --> 00:41:10,594
Thank you.

737
00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:15,682
You look like that guy they interview on
the news, "This guy was here to see it!"

738
00:41:15,766 --> 00:41:18,268
-Nice.
-"Can you tell us what happened, sir?"

739
00:41:18,352 --> 00:41:19,728
You guys...

740
00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:22,564
-Bill Burr is such a great guy…
-Fuck you, Jeff.

741
00:41:22,648 --> 00:41:24,358
-A great comedian.
-Get off the stage.

742
00:41:24,441 --> 00:41:25,692
He is.
He's one of the best.

743
00:41:25,776 --> 00:41:29,196
This guy's so New England,
he's the color of clam chowder.

744
00:41:29,279 --> 00:41:30,906
[all laugh]

745
00:41:32,074 --> 00:41:32,991
[Attell] Nice.

746
00:41:33,075 --> 00:41:35,244
-[Burr] Oh, that one hurt.
-[Attell] You got him.

747
00:41:35,327 --> 00:41:36,411
You got him good.

748
00:41:37,287 --> 00:41:39,831
You look like you just got fished
out of a lake.

749
00:41:40,707 --> 00:41:43,919
Jeff looks like Bill if he made
way better choices.

750
00:41:46,588 --> 00:41:47,881
I'm good with that.

751
00:41:47,965 --> 00:41:50,300
-Yes.
-I look like Bill Burp.

752
00:41:51,969 --> 00:41:54,930
I have the best job because I get to work
with my favorite comedian.

753
00:41:55,013 --> 00:41:56,390
-Aw, thanks.
-Thank you, Dave.

754
00:41:56,473 --> 00:41:57,891
Thank you for coming to LA.

755
00:41:57,975 --> 00:41:59,643
Thank you for having me
on the show.

756
00:41:59,726 --> 00:42:01,979
-Thank you guys for being awesome.
-Jeff Ross, Dave Attell.

757
00:42:02,062 --> 00:42:03,021
Bill Burr.

758
00:42:03,105 --> 00:42:05,357
-"Bumping Mics."
-Thank you, Bill.

759
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:07,526
Leaving me hanging on the five.

760
00:42:08,318 --> 00:42:10,779
"Bumping Mics."
Jeff Ross, Dave Attell.

761
00:42:12,573 --> 00:42:15,200
Two Jews without money.
You don't see that a lot.

762
00:42:20,455 --> 00:42:22,791
They really looked homeless, didn't they?

763
00:42:22,874 --> 00:42:26,211
This next guy coming to the stage,
he's one of my favorite comics,

764
00:42:26,295 --> 00:42:28,755
I started out with him a long time ago
back in New York,

765
00:42:28,839 --> 00:42:29,965
when we both had hair.

766
00:42:30,048 --> 00:42:32,968
He's one of the best joke writers
I ever met, and a tremendous person.

767
00:42:33,051 --> 00:42:35,887
Please welcome Ian Edwards, everybody.
Come on!

768
00:42:35,971 --> 00:42:38,849
[cheers and applause]

769
00:42:41,101 --> 00:42:42,311
What's up, everybody?

770
00:42:43,770 --> 00:42:44,771
How's everybody doing?

771
00:42:44,855 --> 00:42:46,857
[audience cheering]

772
00:42:48,025 --> 00:42:51,612
Shit, I'm the only Black guy on the show,
and I gotta follow two white guys.

773
00:42:52,988 --> 00:42:54,031
Everybody good?

774
00:42:54,114 --> 00:42:55,699
[audience cheering]

775
00:42:55,782 --> 00:42:56,950
All right, that's dope.

776
00:42:57,034 --> 00:43:00,370
All right, Jimmy earlier was talking
about Michael Jackson.

777
00:43:00,454 --> 00:43:04,082
And I spent a lot of the pandemic
watching TV.

778
00:43:04,166 --> 00:43:08,086
If you have seen
the Michael Jackson documentary on HBO

779
00:43:08,587 --> 00:43:10,797
and still listen to his music,

780
00:43:11,340 --> 00:43:13,842
you are a piece of shit.

781
00:43:15,844 --> 00:43:17,763
Straight trash.

782
00:43:19,848 --> 00:43:23,393
Now, I on the other hand,
have not seen the documentary.

783
00:43:29,191 --> 00:43:32,444
So I can listen to his music guilt-free,
you know what I'm saying?

784
00:43:33,695 --> 00:43:35,989
Y'all fucked-up, I found a loophole.

785
00:43:37,699 --> 00:43:41,620
Michael Jackson for life, baby. Yeah.

786
00:43:42,287 --> 00:43:45,123
I even canceled my HBO subscription.

787
00:43:46,583 --> 00:43:49,336
Just so I don't stumble across that shit
on accident.

788
00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:53,882
I'm sorry, y'all, I was raised
on Michael Jackson,

789
00:43:53,965 --> 00:43:56,551
and I heard he ruined
those kids' childhood.

790
00:43:57,052 --> 00:43:59,554
I ain't gonna watch that shit
and have him ruin mine.

791
00:44:04,685 --> 00:44:08,980
Also watched <i>Handmaid's Tale.</i>
Any <i>Handmaid's Tale </i>fans in the house?

792
00:44:09,064 --> 00:44:10,399
[audience cheering]

793
00:44:10,482 --> 00:44:11,817
All right, we got some.

794
00:44:12,275 --> 00:44:16,863
It's based on a book written in 1984,
and it's a fictional story,

795
00:44:16,947 --> 00:44:19,199
set in a dystopian future,

796
00:44:19,282 --> 00:44:22,786
where a totalitarian government
enslaves America,

797
00:44:22,869 --> 00:44:25,872
and then we have a hero,
her name is June Osborne,

798
00:44:25,956 --> 00:44:29,626
and she rescues her baby,
and then stays behind.

799
00:44:29,710 --> 00:44:33,588
And then she rescues 78 other people,
and then stays behind.

800
00:44:33,672 --> 00:44:38,385
Then she escapes, comes back,
and rescues 25 other people.

801
00:44:38,927 --> 00:44:43,181
And I was talking to the homie,
and I was like, "Wait a minute.

802
00:44:43,932 --> 00:44:45,684
This is the Harriet Tubman story."

803
00:44:50,939 --> 00:44:54,025
It's like the author
moved slavery to the future,

804
00:44:54,693 --> 00:44:56,987
and made white women the heroes.

805
00:44:58,572 --> 00:45:00,031
Which is fucked-up.

806
00:45:01,408 --> 00:45:04,035
'Cause Black people,
we didn't want slavery,

807
00:45:05,078 --> 00:45:07,372
but now you can't steal it from us.

808
00:45:11,334 --> 00:45:13,962
And then charge us money
to watch it on Hulu.

809
00:45:17,466 --> 00:45:19,759
Now we gotta pay for this shit twice?

810
00:45:24,264 --> 00:45:26,600
And now you can't even make
the Harriet Tubman story,

811
00:45:26,683 --> 00:45:30,520
'cause everybody's gonna be like,
"Hey, man, that's <i>Handmaid's Tale.</i>

812
00:45:33,940 --> 00:45:37,944
I can't believe these Black people
are culturally appropriating from us."

813
00:45:41,114 --> 00:45:43,658
I'm glad the pandemic is over.

814
00:45:43,742 --> 00:45:47,412
You know, one thing I do miss
about the pandemic was the no traffic.

815
00:45:47,996 --> 00:45:51,124
Like, no traffic in LA was mwah!

816
00:45:51,208 --> 00:45:52,083
Right?

817
00:45:54,753 --> 00:45:58,757
Right? I used to get in my car during the
pandemic, and the homies would be like,

818
00:45:58,840 --> 00:46:01,259
"Where are you going?"
And I'd be like, "Nowhere.

819
00:46:02,302 --> 00:46:05,680
I just wanna see how long
it really takes to get there."

820
00:46:08,433 --> 00:46:09,643
"Two minutes?

821
00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:15,315
Why the fuck did this shit
used to take five days?"

822
00:46:16,733 --> 00:46:18,443
But now traffic is back.

823
00:46:19,069 --> 00:46:21,321
Don't you all feel frustrated in traffic?

824
00:46:22,072 --> 00:46:26,117
Yeah? Am I the only person here that feels
like murdering someone in traffic?

825
00:46:27,327 --> 00:46:28,620
All right, cool.

826
00:46:28,703 --> 00:46:33,833
That makes me comfortable enough to admit
to y'all that regular traffic bugs me

827
00:46:33,917 --> 00:46:35,794
way more than sex trafficking.

828
00:46:42,801 --> 00:46:43,969
You feel me?

829
00:46:47,013 --> 00:46:49,724
'Cause a sex trafficker's never made me
late for work.

830
00:46:52,394 --> 00:46:55,230
They actually gotta be the best drivers
on the road.

831
00:46:55,981 --> 00:46:58,483
'Cause they can't afford to get
into an accident.

832
00:46:59,067 --> 00:47:00,318
Or pulled over.

833
00:47:02,279 --> 00:47:04,781
So whenever you're driving
and some dude is like,

834
00:47:04,864 --> 00:47:07,409
"Go ahead, cut in front of me,
you're good, you're good."

835
00:47:07,492 --> 00:47:10,161
That's a vicious
fucking animal right there.

836
00:47:13,331 --> 00:47:15,500
With two girls tied up in his trunk.

837
00:47:18,003 --> 00:47:20,005
And whenever some dude cuts you off,

838
00:47:20,088 --> 00:47:21,298
gives you the finger,

839
00:47:21,381 --> 00:47:25,677
and then steps out of his truck
to fight you, that's a decent human being.

840
00:47:28,763 --> 00:47:30,223
With nothin' to hide.

841
00:47:31,641 --> 00:47:34,185
Shake his hand.
He's grinding for his family.

842
00:47:37,856 --> 00:47:40,817
I feel really bad for women who are being
sex trafficked,

843
00:47:40,900 --> 00:47:42,819
and they're stuck in traffic.

844
00:47:47,824 --> 00:47:51,202
And I know it sounds cold-blooded,
but I'm a dude.

845
00:47:51,286 --> 00:47:53,788
I don't have to worry
about sex trafficking.

846
00:47:53,872 --> 00:47:59,044
I don't have any daughters, and my sisters
are not in sex trafficking shape.

847
00:48:04,466 --> 00:48:05,800
I know it's fucked-up.

848
00:48:07,886 --> 00:48:10,972
All right, let me just ask one question
before I get outta here.

849
00:48:11,056 --> 00:48:14,768
Why do pregnant couples
have gender reveal parties

850
00:48:14,851 --> 00:48:18,271
when they don't know what gender
their kid is gonna claim?

851
00:48:23,151 --> 00:48:23,985
Right?

852
00:48:27,405 --> 00:48:32,285
Why don't they just wait a few birthdays,
and then let the kid tell them?

853
00:48:33,411 --> 00:48:35,246
And then they can have the party.

854
00:48:36,414 --> 00:48:37,832
What if you're wrong?

855
00:48:39,709 --> 00:48:42,629
You're gonna be wrong and burn down
half of California?

856
00:48:46,925 --> 00:48:50,095
Then you have this video of this party
that you threw for your kid

857
00:48:50,178 --> 00:48:51,805
that you can never show your kid.

858
00:48:53,098 --> 00:48:55,642
Then you got to tell everybody
who was at the party,

859
00:48:55,725 --> 00:48:59,187
"Don't ever tell my child
about that fucking party."

860
00:49:01,481 --> 00:49:03,650
And you know
the kid's gonna find the video.

861
00:49:03,733 --> 00:49:06,111
And one day, he's like,
"Hey, y'all, get in here.

862
00:49:06,486 --> 00:49:07,612
What the fuck is this?

863
00:49:08,863 --> 00:49:10,365
That smoke ain't me.

864
00:49:16,079 --> 00:49:18,957
Can't believe you spent all this money
on this party,

865
00:49:19,040 --> 00:49:21,835
and I need that money
for my operation...

866
00:49:26,214 --> 00:49:28,216
so I can be who I really wanna be."

867
00:49:30,844 --> 00:49:33,430
All I'm saying is,
if you're a dad,

868
00:49:33,513 --> 00:49:35,515
and you always wanted a son,

869
00:49:35,598 --> 00:49:39,060
and the smoke is pink, don't give up."

870
00:49:41,771 --> 00:49:44,524
My name is Ian Edwards.
Good night, y'all. Peace.

871
00:49:44,607 --> 00:49:47,819
[cheers and applause]

872
00:49:48,778 --> 00:49:51,322
Ian Edwards!

873
00:49:53,324 --> 00:49:57,495
This next guy coming to the stage is one
of my great friends that I've had in life.

874
00:49:57,579 --> 00:50:00,749
Forget about as a stand-up comedian,
he's an absolutely amazing friend

875
00:50:00,832 --> 00:50:03,001
and stand-up comedian,
I love him to death.

876
00:50:03,084 --> 00:50:05,962
Please welcome the one and only
Joe Bartnick, everybody.

877
00:50:06,045 --> 00:50:08,047
Come on, Joe Bartnick!

878
00:50:08,131 --> 00:50:10,008
[cheers and applause]

879
00:50:15,388 --> 00:50:18,224
What is up, Los Angeles?

880
00:50:19,100 --> 00:50:21,144
[cheers and applause]

881
00:50:21,686 --> 00:50:23,730
I'm in a good mood, I'm feeling good.

882
00:50:23,813 --> 00:50:25,774
I recently lost 80 pounds.

883
00:50:26,316 --> 00:50:27,233
[audience cheers]

884
00:50:29,027 --> 00:50:32,071
I know what you're thinking,
"He still kinda looks like shit."

885
00:50:33,907 --> 00:50:36,284
I know, that's why
I'm wearing a collared shirt,

886
00:50:36,367 --> 00:50:38,495
you got man-titties,
you gotta wear a collar.

887
00:50:41,498 --> 00:50:43,458
Takes 15 right off the top.

888
00:50:45,293 --> 00:50:48,505
That's why golfers wear 'em,
it makes 'em almost look athletic.

889
00:50:50,715 --> 00:50:52,592
Like, I can't wear a wifebeater.

890
00:50:52,675 --> 00:50:55,887
You can't wear a wifebeater,
if you look like a wife beater.

891
00:51:00,433 --> 00:51:02,644
If you have a six pack,
wear a wifebeater.

892
00:51:02,727 --> 00:51:05,605
If you just drank a six pack,
keep your sleeves on.

893
00:51:08,233 --> 00:51:10,944
I know a young girl like yourself,
you want abs.

894
00:51:11,027 --> 00:51:12,153
I get it.

895
00:51:13,029 --> 00:51:16,699
But the older ladies who have lost
all their hopes and dreams,

896
00:51:18,493 --> 00:51:20,328
they dig the dad bod.

897
00:51:21,830 --> 00:51:24,833
Yeah, ladies, this body says "fun."

898
00:51:27,460 --> 00:51:30,713
This body says,
"Everybody's getting appetizers."

899
00:51:34,592 --> 00:51:36,928
Nobody has to split dessert
with this body.

900
00:51:39,097 --> 00:51:41,140
This body's built for comfort.

901
00:51:41,558 --> 00:51:44,227
This body sleeps in on Saturdays.

902
00:51:45,311 --> 00:51:48,273
Nobody has to get up
and ride a bike with this body.

903
00:51:49,816 --> 00:51:53,444
Glad I lost the weight, though,
'cause now I can shop at Marshall's again.

904
00:51:55,280 --> 00:51:57,866
Yeah, 'cause now I can fit
in double-X clothing.

905
00:51:58,783 --> 00:52:01,286
There's nothing left at Marshall's
with triple-X.

906
00:52:02,036 --> 00:52:04,414
It's all green or purple or fuchsia.

907
00:52:05,915 --> 00:52:07,375
I can't wear those colors.

908
00:52:07,458 --> 00:52:08,710
I'm not Black.

909
00:52:12,422 --> 00:52:15,800
Yeah, Black guys look good in anything.
Black guys look good bald.

910
00:52:17,343 --> 00:52:18,803
Imagine me bald.

911
00:52:22,181 --> 00:52:23,933
Black guys look good in dreadlocks.

912
00:52:24,017 --> 00:52:26,978
A white guy has dreadlocks,
you're like, "Fucking asshole."

913
00:52:29,397 --> 00:52:31,858
Black guy has 'em, you're like,
"That guy's cool."

914
00:52:32,358 --> 00:52:34,652
I'm not even really white. I'm Italian.

915
00:52:35,695 --> 00:52:38,406
Yeah. We weren't white until the '40s.

916
00:52:41,159 --> 00:52:43,453
Till Frank Sinatra and Joe DiMaggio.

917
00:52:44,495 --> 00:52:47,582
You have to be really good at something,
then they'll let you be white.

918
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:51,085
Like Obama, they let him be white.

919
00:52:53,588 --> 00:52:55,256
Prince, Prince was white.

920
00:52:56,215 --> 00:52:59,260
OJ was white for a while,
then he fucked it up.

921
00:53:02,597 --> 00:53:06,017
Will Smith is the whitest man alive.

922
00:53:08,394 --> 00:53:12,565
He assaulted a Black dude
and they gave him an award.

923
00:53:17,862 --> 00:53:20,448
Tiger Woods is white again!

924
00:53:22,325 --> 00:53:23,910
How awesome is that?

925
00:53:24,661 --> 00:53:26,663
I fucking love Tiger.
He's my man.

926
00:53:27,830 --> 00:53:30,750
Wearing the black pants and the red shirt
on Sunday.

927
00:53:30,833 --> 00:53:34,462
I love Tiger so much I used to listen
to golf on the radio.

928
00:53:36,756 --> 00:53:38,841
People got upset
when he cheated on his wife.

929
00:53:38,925 --> 00:53:40,134
"How could he cheat on her?

930
00:53:40,218 --> 00:53:44,097
She's beautiful, she's gorgeous,
she's an 11."

931
00:53:44,180 --> 00:53:45,348
[whines]

932
00:53:46,683 --> 00:53:50,228
That's exactly why he cheated on her.
Because she's beautiful and gorgeous.

933
00:53:50,311 --> 00:53:52,855
You know she just laid there in bed
and didn't move.

934
00:53:58,069 --> 00:53:59,612
She didn't have to.

935
00:53:59,696 --> 00:54:01,864
She's beautiful.

936
00:54:03,157 --> 00:54:06,369
But Tiger's got a billion dollars.

937
00:54:06,452 --> 00:54:09,205
He wants someone to lick his ass.

938
00:54:12,417 --> 00:54:16,754
Like only someone who works
in an Applebee's can.

939
00:54:20,091 --> 00:54:23,011
I'm Joe Bartnick!
You guys have been fantastic.

940
00:54:23,094 --> 00:54:25,346
[cheers and applause]

941
00:54:26,806 --> 00:54:28,266
Joe Bartnick, everybody.

942
00:54:31,144 --> 00:54:34,188
This next comedian, oh man,
she is unbelievable.

943
00:54:34,272 --> 00:54:37,316
This is one of the few comics,
there's a handful of 'em out there

944
00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:40,611
that if you're going on after 'em,
you're sitting in the back of the club,

945
00:54:40,695 --> 00:54:44,032
you gotta come up with a game plan,
'cause she fucking destroys.

946
00:54:44,115 --> 00:54:47,660
Absolutely hilarious, please welcome
Jessica Kirson, everybody.

947
00:54:47,744 --> 00:54:48,578
Come on!

948
00:54:48,661 --> 00:54:50,538
Jessica Kirson!

949
00:54:50,621 --> 00:54:53,332
[cheers and applause]

950
00:54:54,709 --> 00:54:56,169
Hey, how ya doin'?

951
00:54:57,211 --> 00:54:58,129
Great.

952
00:54:58,212 --> 00:55:00,465
I'm so miserable, ugh.

953
00:55:01,924 --> 00:55:05,219
Although I, you know,
I am a miserable person.

954
00:55:05,303 --> 00:55:08,264
I... basically,
I can barely get out of bed.

955
00:55:08,347 --> 00:55:10,641
This is a lot,
for me to be here right now.

956
00:55:10,725 --> 00:55:12,935
I know some of you look really sad.

957
00:55:13,644 --> 00:55:16,606
I don't care how this goes,
I have to be honest with you.

958
00:55:16,689 --> 00:55:19,192
Um, it doesn't matter anymore.

959
00:55:19,650 --> 00:55:22,695
Basically, during COVID,
I stopped chewing food.

960
00:55:23,780 --> 00:55:26,449
I just started fucking my face with it,

961
00:55:26,532 --> 00:55:29,118
I've never cut my wrists,

962
00:55:29,202 --> 00:55:33,206
but I started cutting my mouth
on the inside with chips.

963
00:55:33,289 --> 00:55:36,834
I became a cutter
on the inside, just... [loud gag]

964
00:55:36,918 --> 00:55:39,378
You know, just fucking my face.

965
00:55:40,171 --> 00:55:42,882
And I was like, "I'm gonna blow up again.

966
00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:45,718
I'm gonna blow up."
'Cause I used to be a house.

967
00:55:45,802 --> 00:55:49,180
If you Google me, Zillow will come up,
I was a fucking house.

968
00:55:49,847 --> 00:55:54,602
So, I was like, "I need to do something."
So I joined Weight Watchers,

969
00:55:54,685 --> 00:55:57,647
where you download the app,
and it counts the points.

970
00:55:57,730 --> 00:55:59,315
The problem is I lie on it.

971
00:55:59,398 --> 00:56:03,569
I lie on my own app,
and I'm the only one that sees it.

972
00:56:03,653 --> 00:56:05,613
Do you know how sick that is?

973
00:56:05,696 --> 00:56:10,785
The other day, I had a pint of ice cream,
and I wrote down "one baby carrot."

974
00:56:12,745 --> 00:56:14,205
Like, that's insane.

975
00:56:14,288 --> 00:56:15,790
'Cause I was a fat kid.

976
00:56:15,873 --> 00:56:17,708
Um, I was really fat.

977
00:56:17,792 --> 00:56:19,752
I actually went to fat camp.

978
00:56:20,169 --> 00:56:24,215
It was amazing, like,
fat camp was the best time of my life.

979
00:56:24,298 --> 00:56:26,425
My parents didn't send me, I wanted to go.

980
00:56:26,509 --> 00:56:30,346
Every summer I was like,
"I want to go to fat camp!"

981
00:56:30,429 --> 00:56:32,390
'Cause that's how fat kids talk,

982
00:56:32,473 --> 00:56:37,770
'cause we slam doughnuts,
and muffins and furniture in our throats,

983
00:56:37,854 --> 00:56:41,816
like, "I want to go to fat camp!"

984
00:56:41,899 --> 00:56:44,819
I'm gonna keep doing it
till all of you laugh.

985
00:56:45,486 --> 00:56:47,530
I'll do it for the next five minutes.

986
00:56:47,613 --> 00:56:50,616
"I wanna go..." I just peed.

987
00:56:50,700 --> 00:56:54,412
Anyway, so, fat camp was fun.

988
00:56:54,495 --> 00:56:56,622
We all went on our own bus.

989
00:56:57,248 --> 00:57:01,085
We used to play a lot of fun games,

990
00:57:01,169 --> 00:57:03,296
like breathing, um…

991
00:57:04,255 --> 00:57:05,131
chafing,

992
00:57:05,214 --> 00:57:07,175
try-to-hide-and-seek.

993
00:57:08,050 --> 00:57:10,261
Try-to-hide-and-seek was great,

994
00:57:10,344 --> 00:57:12,722
I would say to my friend Jodi,
"I can see you

995
00:57:12,805 --> 00:57:14,849
behind the barn, you fat fuck.

996
00:57:15,349 --> 00:57:17,602
Find a mountain."
Anyway...

997
00:57:18,519 --> 00:57:21,564
I have four daughters from two baby mamas.

998
00:57:21,647 --> 00:57:24,942
I'm like a fucking rapper,
I call myself "Lil Jew."

999
00:57:26,736 --> 00:57:28,613
I saw an old friend recently,

1000
00:57:28,696 --> 00:57:30,281
and she's like, "You have four daughters?

1001
00:57:30,364 --> 00:57:33,117
Were they planned?"
I think it's the dumbest question

1002
00:57:33,201 --> 00:57:36,287
that anyone's ever asked me
in my entire life,

1003
00:57:36,370 --> 00:57:38,873
if my children with women were planned.

1004
00:57:38,956 --> 00:57:41,626
I'm like,
"No, I wasn't wearing protection,

1005
00:57:42,668 --> 00:57:44,212
they were all a mistake,

1006
00:57:44,295 --> 00:57:47,590
and we're pro-life
so we kept them for Jesus.

1007
00:57:48,883 --> 00:57:50,510
Jesus."

1008
00:57:52,512 --> 00:57:55,181
Let's get even darker with this,
because some of you look uptight,

1009
00:57:55,264 --> 00:57:58,017
like I feel like your assholes
are like this right now.

1010
00:57:58,100 --> 00:57:58,935
Yeah.

1011
00:57:59,477 --> 00:58:01,062
Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

1012
00:58:01,145 --> 00:58:05,942
Religious people, some of them say that
gay people try to make their kids gay.

1013
00:58:06,025 --> 00:58:09,278
That we, you know, we want them to be gay.

1014
00:58:09,362 --> 00:58:12,615
And I hate to admit that, at this show
right now with this taping,

1015
00:58:12,698 --> 00:58:14,116
but that is totally true.

1016
00:58:14,784 --> 00:58:20,206
That is the only reason I agreed to have
children, was to create four big dykes.

1017
00:58:20,915 --> 00:58:25,378
I don't care if my kids are kind,
I don't care if they're loving,

1018
00:58:25,461 --> 00:58:26,796
I don't care if they

1019
00:58:26,879 --> 00:58:29,674
smell like feces,
I don't care if they're educated,

1020
00:58:29,757 --> 00:58:32,343
I just want them to be
fucking truck drivers.

1021
00:58:32,426 --> 00:58:34,762
That's all I care about.

1022
00:58:34,845 --> 00:58:38,182
So we are doing everything we can
to make that happen.

1023
00:58:38,266 --> 00:58:42,311
And by the way, I shouldn't be telling you
this, but we're out to get your kids too.

1024
00:58:42,395 --> 00:58:45,022
This goes out to all the straight people

1025
00:58:45,106 --> 00:58:47,316
in the audience,
everywhere around the world,

1026
00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:49,151
we have secret Facebook groups,

1027
00:58:49,235 --> 00:58:50,945
we have a ton of funding,

1028
00:58:51,028 --> 00:58:54,407
we have vans, we have candy,

1029
00:58:54,490 --> 00:58:59,245
we even have long nets, where we can grab
your children from off the lawn.

1030
00:58:59,328 --> 00:59:01,205
Look how dumb some of you are,
you're like…

1031
00:59:05,793 --> 00:59:08,170
So we have been doing everything we can

1032
00:59:08,254 --> 00:59:10,089
to make our children dykes.

1033
00:59:10,172 --> 00:59:13,134
We've been taking them
to a lot of softball games.

1034
00:59:14,385 --> 00:59:18,931
All four of my daughters have crewcuts,
they have military haircuts.

1035
00:59:19,015 --> 00:59:23,311
We've been blasting the Indigo Girls and
Melissa Etheridge into their ears,

1036
00:59:23,394 --> 00:59:27,023
24 hours a day, seven days a week.

1037
00:59:27,106 --> 00:59:30,151
They march everywhere with feminist signs,

1038
00:59:30,234 --> 00:59:33,195
and we named all four of them
Hillary Rodham Clinton,

1039
00:59:33,279 --> 00:59:34,739
so we're just…

1040
00:59:37,325 --> 00:59:39,535
Jessica, that joke
would've done a lot better

1041
00:59:39,619 --> 00:59:42,121
if you didn't fuck it up, but it's okay.

1042
00:59:42,204 --> 00:59:44,665
You're really talented, you really are.

1043
00:59:44,749 --> 00:59:48,836
You work so hard, you know,
everything's gonna be okay.

1044
00:59:48,919 --> 00:59:52,632
You're almost done,
it's all gonna be okay.

1045
00:59:52,715 --> 00:59:56,052
And soon you'll be in your hotel room
and you can secretly eat.

1046
00:59:57,136 --> 00:59:59,513
You know, today you ate a bag of Tostitos

1047
00:59:59,597 --> 01:00:01,724
and told yourself
it was a serving of corn.

1048
01:00:01,807 --> 01:00:02,850
You're a liar.

1049
01:00:03,392 --> 01:00:06,103
You lie to yourself on a daily basis.

1050
01:00:06,187 --> 01:00:09,398
And the guy in the second row
is not your father.

1051
01:00:10,149 --> 01:00:14,028
Okay, some of you-- yeah.

1052
01:00:14,111 --> 01:00:19,158
It's all gonna be okay, it's all--
I love you so much, you just got that.

1053
01:00:19,241 --> 01:00:21,243
Because it was very creative
what I just did,

1054
01:00:21,327 --> 01:00:24,413
and it was improv,
but some people won't get it,

1055
01:00:24,497 --> 01:00:26,874
'cause they're not aware.
Do you understand?

1056
01:00:26,957 --> 01:00:28,668
They have no idea what I just did.

1057
01:00:28,751 --> 01:00:31,462
They don't understand that I just
completely turned around

1058
01:00:31,545 --> 01:00:34,548
and had a conversation with themselves.
They think I'm mentally ill.

1059
01:00:34,632 --> 01:00:39,345
Which I am, I'm heavily medicated and
I haven't felt my vagina in three years.

1060
01:00:39,845 --> 01:00:43,724
Okay, what the fuck did I just say?

1061
01:00:44,642 --> 01:00:51,023
This is the thing, I have very bad
anxiety, and loud voices make me crazy,

1062
01:00:51,107 --> 01:00:52,900
and I was at a store the other day,

1063
01:00:52,983 --> 01:00:55,069
and these two girls
were having a conversation,

1064
01:00:55,152 --> 01:00:57,113
and I could not believe
what it sounded like,

1065
01:00:57,196 --> 01:00:59,407
this is literally what it sounded like:

1066
01:00:59,490 --> 01:01:01,242
[high-pitched] "Oh my God, Chelsea,
you're not gonna believe it,

1067
01:01:01,325 --> 01:01:03,244
but I was on Instagram
the other day and I posted the most

1068
01:01:03,327 --> 01:01:05,579
amazing video, because I went to
Sephora and had my makeup done,

1069
01:01:05,663 --> 01:01:08,249
'and it was like unbelievable,
because it looked so good.

1070
01:01:08,332 --> 01:01:10,793
Nobody commented, nobody did anything.
I couldn't believe it

1071
01:01:10,876 --> 01:01:13,212
because I looked so amazing, like,
everyone's upset about the war,

1072
01:01:13,295 --> 01:01:16,173
but the war isn't happening here,
so like, who cares about the war?

1073
01:01:16,257 --> 01:01:19,635
I don't care about the war... [gibberish]
I put the same video on TikTok...

1074
01:01:19,719 --> 01:01:21,262
[gibberish]

1075
01:01:21,345 --> 01:01:23,097
The other girl was like, "Oh my God,

1076
01:01:23,180 --> 01:01:25,808
you should've called me or texted me,
I'm your best friend, like..."

1077
01:01:25,891 --> 01:01:27,143
[gibberish]

1078
01:01:27,226 --> 01:01:29,562
[normal voice]
So I killed them, I fucking killed them.

1079
01:01:30,146 --> 01:01:32,189
I know, I did.

1080
01:01:32,732 --> 01:01:34,191
I killed them.

1081
01:01:35,735 --> 01:01:39,029
Because I don't think you realize this,
these girls aren't going anywhere.

1082
01:01:39,113 --> 01:01:42,825
That's who's gonna be in our country,
they're staying, they're gonna have jobs.

1083
01:01:42,908 --> 01:01:45,786
Like, your kids are gonna go to school
and walk into math class...

1084
01:01:45,870 --> 01:01:47,997
[high-pitched] "Oh my God, girls,
welcome to math class!

1085
01:01:48,080 --> 01:01:52,251
This is gonna be so exciting, it's...
[gibberish] Algebra!

1086
01:01:52,334 --> 01:01:54,044
It's gonna be amazing!"

1087
01:01:54,128 --> 01:01:56,589
[normal voice] Like, you're gonna
go to a therapist that talks like that.

1088
01:01:56,672 --> 01:01:59,341
You're gonna walk in and be like,
"Hi, I'm just really anxious."

1089
01:01:59,425 --> 01:02:00,885
[high-pitched]
"Oh my God! You're anxious?

1090
01:02:00,968 --> 01:02:03,804
That's so horrible, well,
I haven't been feeling well at all.

1091
01:02:03,888 --> 01:02:05,514
Like, I haven't been able to swallow.

1092
01:02:05,598 --> 01:02:08,809
I met the cutest guy the other day,
I swallowed his load, I was like...

1093
01:02:08,893 --> 01:02:11,353
I swallowed his load,
and it's been really hard for me too."

1094
01:02:11,437 --> 01:02:13,063
[normal voice]
How do you fuck a girl like that?

1095
01:02:13,147 --> 01:02:15,191
I don't understand,
I've been fucking women for years.

1096
01:02:15,274 --> 01:02:17,485
[high-pitched] "Oh my God, fuck me harder,
that feels so amazing,

1097
01:02:17,568 --> 01:02:19,403
fuck me harder..."
[gibberish]

1098
01:02:19,487 --> 01:02:21,280
"That feels so good, I'm gonna cum.

1099
01:02:21,363 --> 01:02:24,408
Oh my God, I'm gonna kill all your
ex-girlfriends, you better call me.

1100
01:02:24,492 --> 01:02:26,035
[deep voice] You better call me!"

1101
01:02:26,118 --> 01:02:29,371
[high-pitched gibberish]

1102
01:02:29,455 --> 01:02:32,291
"Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock..."

1103
01:02:32,374 --> 01:02:33,250
[gibberish]

1104
01:02:33,334 --> 01:02:35,836
"Oh my God, I'm gonna cum,
I'm gonna kill your mother,

1105
01:02:35,920 --> 01:02:37,963
[deep voice]
I'm gonna kill your mother, motherfucker!"

1106
01:02:38,047 --> 01:02:38,881
[high-pitched gibberish]

1107
01:02:38,964 --> 01:02:41,967
"Oh my God, I'm gonna kill someone,
oh my God, I'm cumming!"

1108
01:02:42,051 --> 01:02:46,096
You guys are amazing,
I'm Jessica Kirson, thank you so much.

1109
01:02:46,180 --> 01:02:49,475
Thank you, I love you.
Thank you so much.

1110
01:02:49,558 --> 01:02:51,519
Thank you. Thank you.

1111
01:02:51,602 --> 01:02:53,521
[Burr] Jessica Kirson, everybody!

1112
01:02:53,604 --> 01:02:55,481
[cheers and applause]

1113
01:02:56,315 --> 01:03:00,277
Jessica Kirson, absolutely murdering
like I told you she would.

1114
01:03:00,361 --> 01:03:03,656
All right, we got a band back here,
everybody, say hello to the band.

1115
01:03:03,739 --> 01:03:05,866
This is the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band.

1116
01:03:05,950 --> 01:03:07,243
[audience cheers]

1117
01:03:07,827 --> 01:03:10,830
They do a great show. A lot
of comedians started off playing in bands.

1118
01:03:10,913 --> 01:03:13,457
They still have that musical thing they
wanna get involved in,

1119
01:03:13,541 --> 01:03:16,335
so they created this band for guys
to come out and sing along to.

1120
01:03:16,418 --> 01:03:18,754
The man that created it,
I will be introducing right now,

1121
01:03:18,838 --> 01:03:23,342
one of my great friends, absolutely
hilarious comedian from Baltimore.

1122
01:03:23,425 --> 01:03:26,595
Please welcome Josh Adam Meyers!

1123
01:03:27,304 --> 01:03:30,474
[cheers and applause]

1124
01:03:33,853 --> 01:03:37,064
I need each and every one of you guys
to stand up right now.

1125
01:03:37,147 --> 01:03:38,774
Everybody in here, stand up.

1126
01:03:39,733 --> 01:03:40,734
Stop sitting.

1127
01:03:41,277 --> 01:03:42,444
You're all young.

1128
01:03:45,322 --> 01:03:47,366
One, two, three, four…

1129
01:03:52,663 --> 01:03:53,789
No.

1130
01:03:55,791 --> 01:03:57,251
I know what you're wondering.

1131
01:03:59,628 --> 01:04:02,715
♪ <i>None of you know who the fuck I am </i>♪

1132
01:04:04,216 --> 01:04:08,554
♪ <i>Why is this guy</i>
<i>Such an egomaniac? </i>♪

1133
01:04:10,306 --> 01:04:14,101
♪ <i>Because I don't have an act</i>
<i>So I have to sing </i>♪

1134
01:04:15,019 --> 01:04:17,688
♪ <i>Hey Haw</i>
<i>Everybody go </i>♪

1135
01:04:18,439 --> 01:04:19,648
♪ <i>Hey Haw </i>♪

1136
01:04:19,732 --> 01:04:21,108
♪ <i>Like the '90s </i>♪

1137
01:04:21,191 --> 01:04:22,026
Come on!

1138
01:04:22,109 --> 01:04:23,235
♪ <i>Hey Haw </i>♪

1139
01:04:23,319 --> 01:04:24,945
♪ <i>Everybody go </i>♪

1140
01:04:25,487 --> 01:04:26,488
♪ <i>Hey Haw </i>♪

1141
01:04:26,572 --> 01:04:28,532
♪ <i>Just the Black guy </i>♪

1142
01:04:29,158 --> 01:04:31,744
♪ <i>Hey Haw </i>♪

1143
01:04:31,827 --> 01:04:33,120
Fuck, dude.

1144
01:04:33,913 --> 01:04:36,123
I mean, it was something.

1145
01:04:37,249 --> 01:04:40,044
So we didn't get a song clearance,
so we wrote our own,

1146
01:04:40,127 --> 01:04:42,838
but we need help
from all of you guys here.

1147
01:04:42,922 --> 01:04:46,550
So you really have to sing this,
all right? It goes like this.

1148
01:04:46,634 --> 01:04:50,012
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1149
01:04:50,095 --> 01:04:53,307
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1150
01:04:53,390 --> 01:04:54,224
Come on!

1151
01:04:54,308 --> 01:04:56,977
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1152
01:04:57,061 --> 01:04:59,688
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck</i>
<i>Your buttcheeks... </i>♪

1153
01:04:59,772 --> 01:05:00,814
Make it loud!

1154
01:05:00,898 --> 01:05:04,193
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1155
01:05:04,276 --> 01:05:06,070
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your... </i>♪

1156
01:05:06,153 --> 01:05:07,404
Bring it down.

1157
01:05:07,488 --> 01:05:08,572
Now whisper it.

1158
01:05:08,656 --> 01:05:10,449
[whispering]
♪ <i>Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love </i>♪

1159
01:05:10,532 --> 01:05:11,367
Come on.

1160
01:05:11,450 --> 01:05:14,244
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1161
01:05:14,328 --> 01:05:15,204
Even quieter.

1162
01:05:15,287 --> 01:05:17,414
♪ <i>-Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love </i>♪
-Come on.

1163
01:05:17,498 --> 01:05:19,583
♪ <i>You're acting like</i>
<i>This isn't being recorded </i>♪

1164
01:05:19,667 --> 01:05:20,960
♪ <i>For Netflix </i>♪

1165
01:05:21,585 --> 01:05:26,215
♪ <i>You're coming at me with straight</i>
<i>Amazon Prime energy </i>♪

1166
01:05:26,298 --> 01:05:28,634
This is fucking Netflix, dude.

1167
01:05:29,093 --> 01:05:33,055
Now just breathe it, going like this...

1168
01:05:33,138 --> 01:05:36,433
[rhythmic breathing]

1169
01:05:37,184 --> 01:05:40,270
[rhythmic breathing continues]

1170
01:05:40,854 --> 01:05:43,774
♪ <i>This is how you get COVID </i>♪

1171
01:05:45,359 --> 01:05:49,154
♪ <i>No wonder we're three years</i>
<i>Into pandemic </i>♪

1172
01:05:50,239 --> 01:05:52,074
Make some noise if you had COVID.

1173
01:05:52,157 --> 01:05:54,368
COVID.
I sound like I'm from Philadelphia.

1174
01:05:54,451 --> 01:05:55,953
[thick accent] Who's had COVID?

1175
01:05:56,912 --> 01:05:59,123
♪ <i>I've had COVID twice </i>♪

1176
01:06:00,040 --> 01:06:01,375
[audience member] Twice!

1177
01:06:01,458 --> 01:06:04,962
♪ <i>I had the original strain from Wuhan </i>♪

1178
01:06:05,045 --> 01:06:07,214
♪ <i>And the rereleased box set </i>♪

1179
01:06:07,297 --> 01:06:09,591
♪ <i>That came out a few months ago </i>♪

1180
01:06:11,927 --> 01:06:15,055
Make some noise if you were
in a relationship during COVID.

1181
01:06:15,139 --> 01:06:16,265
[audience cheers]

1182
01:06:16,348 --> 01:06:17,558
A few of you guys.

1183
01:06:18,392 --> 01:06:20,019
I was single the whole time.

1184
01:06:20,894 --> 01:06:24,398
And if there was ever a time for the
American people, the people of the world

1185
01:06:24,481 --> 01:06:29,278
to be having the most sex possible,
it was during COVID.

1186
01:06:29,778 --> 01:06:31,864
Specifically when you have it.

1187
01:06:31,947 --> 01:06:34,783
Think about it. You couldn't taste,
and you couldn't smell.

1188
01:06:34,867 --> 01:06:39,204
I mean, if there was ever an era
of eating ass.

1189
01:06:39,580 --> 01:06:42,082
You'd be like, "You just got back
from a three-hour hike?"

1190
01:06:42,166 --> 01:06:43,250
I had no idea.

1191
01:06:45,669 --> 01:06:47,629
♪ <i>Fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1192
01:06:47,713 --> 01:06:48,756
Come on!

1193
01:06:48,839 --> 01:06:51,508
♪ <i>Titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1194
01:06:52,509 --> 01:06:55,054
♪ <i>Titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1195
01:06:55,137 --> 01:06:59,058
<i>-</i>♪ <i>We're gonna... </i>♪
<i>-</i>♪ <i>Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh </i>♪

1196
01:06:59,141 --> 01:07:02,978
<i>-</i>♪ <i>We're gonna... </i>♪
<i>-</i>♪ <i>Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh </i>♪

1197
01:07:03,062 --> 01:07:04,813
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks </i>♪

1198
01:07:04,897 --> 01:07:06,690
Everybody sing it with me!

1199
01:07:06,774 --> 01:07:09,568
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1200
01:07:09,651 --> 01:07:13,030
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1201
01:07:13,113 --> 01:07:16,408
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1202
01:07:16,492 --> 01:07:20,204
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Of love </i>♪

1203
01:07:20,287 --> 01:07:21,413
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck... </i>♪

1204
01:07:21,497 --> 01:07:24,208
End it!
This is your note, dude. Sing it!

1205
01:07:25,125 --> 01:07:28,796
♪ <i>We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks</i>
<i>Uh-huh </i>♪

1206
01:07:33,092 --> 01:07:36,345
Guys, make some noise for the band,
everybody, come on.

1207
01:07:36,428 --> 01:07:38,097
[cheers and applause]

1208
01:07:38,764 --> 01:07:40,933
[Burr]
All right, Josh Adam Meyers, everybody!

1209
01:07:41,016 --> 01:07:42,935
Josh Adam Meyers.

1210
01:07:43,852 --> 01:07:46,563
That was a terrible handshake,
but a great set.

1211
01:07:46,647 --> 01:07:48,732
Goddamn Comedy Jam Band.

1212
01:07:48,816 --> 01:07:50,025
We're gonna do one more.

1213
01:07:50,109 --> 01:07:54,113
We got another great comedian coming out
now who's gonna sing a song with the band.

1214
01:07:54,196 --> 01:07:57,241
This is a guy that I saw, I actually
saw him the first time,

1215
01:07:57,324 --> 01:07:58,826
I was flying on an airplane.

1216
01:07:58,909 --> 01:08:01,411
I saw this video of him, I was like,
"This guy is funny.

1217
01:08:01,495 --> 01:08:04,540
This guy has potential." And like,
a week later, he was on <i>The Daily Show.</i>

1218
01:08:04,623 --> 01:08:07,876
He's been in movies,
he's put out incredible stand-up specials.

1219
01:08:07,960 --> 01:08:11,630
I love this guy, he's hilarious.
Please welcome Ronnie Chieng, everybody.

1220
01:08:11,713 --> 01:08:13,465
Ronnie Chieng.

1221
01:08:14,675 --> 01:08:17,052
Thank you, Bill, thank you.

1222
01:08:17,136 --> 01:08:19,096
Keep it going for Bill Burr,

1223
01:08:19,179 --> 01:08:21,849
keep it going for the band,
keep it going for yourselves.

1224
01:08:21,932 --> 01:08:23,475
You guys are the best.

1225
01:08:23,559 --> 01:08:24,977
Thanks for hanging with us.

1226
01:08:25,060 --> 01:08:25,978
Now listen.

1227
01:08:26,061 --> 01:08:29,148
Listen, normally I come out here
and do jokes.

1228
01:08:29,898 --> 01:08:34,153
But with the state of the world being what
it is, and the problems that we're facing,

1229
01:08:34,236 --> 01:08:36,196
don't share the problems, please.

1230
01:08:36,280 --> 01:08:39,366
The problems that we're facing
in today's world.

1231
01:08:39,449 --> 01:08:41,201
Johnny Depp's divorce,

1232
01:08:41,869 --> 01:08:44,496
Elon Musk buying Twitter,

1233
01:08:44,580 --> 01:08:46,331
Netflix's share prices.

1234
01:08:47,332 --> 01:08:50,669
I thought I'd do my part to try
to help fix this.

1235
01:08:51,336 --> 01:08:53,714
And what better way than to sing a song.

1236
01:08:55,424 --> 01:08:56,300
Thank you.

1237
01:08:57,009 --> 01:08:59,761
So I'm gonna sing a song tonight,
and not just any song.

1238
01:08:59,845 --> 01:09:02,890
I'm going to sing a traditional
Malaysian song...

1239
01:09:04,224 --> 01:09:05,601
from my homeland.

1240
01:09:05,684 --> 01:09:08,187
It's a song I used to sing
to inspire myself

1241
01:09:08,270 --> 01:09:11,523
when I was younger and first starting
to do comedy.

1242
01:09:11,607 --> 01:09:14,151
The song is called
"Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry.

1243
01:09:17,446 --> 01:09:18,864
Take it away, band.

1244
01:09:19,198 --> 01:09:22,242
[Meyers] If you know the words, then we
want you all singing with us, all right?

1245
01:09:22,326 --> 01:09:25,245
Do we get some energy for you guys?
Come on!

1246
01:09:25,329 --> 01:09:26,663
[audience cheering]

1247
01:09:30,500 --> 01:09:34,171
♪ <i>You think I'm pretty</i>
<i>Without any makeup on </i>♪

1248
01:09:34,254 --> 01:09:37,883
♪ <i>You think I'm funny</i>
<i>When I tell the punchline wrong </i>♪

1249
01:09:37,966 --> 01:09:42,346
♪ <i>I know you get me</i>
<i>So I let my walls come down </i>♪

1250
01:09:42,429 --> 01:09:43,931
♪ <i>Down </i>♪

1251
01:09:45,098 --> 01:09:47,684
♪ <i>Before you met me</i>
<i>I was alright </i>♪

1252
01:09:47,768 --> 01:09:49,978
♪ <i>But things were kinda heavy </i>♪

1253
01:09:50,062 --> 01:09:53,774
♪ <i>You brought me to life</i>
<i>Now every February </i>♪

1254
01:09:53,857 --> 01:09:58,570
♪ <i>You'll be my Valentine</i>
<i>Valentine </i>♪

1255
01:09:58,654 --> 01:10:05,619
♪ <i>Let's go all the way tonight</i>
<i>No regrets, just love </i>♪

1256
01:10:06,203 --> 01:10:09,873
♪ <i>We can dance</i>
<i>Until we die </i>♪

1257
01:10:09,957 --> 01:10:14,378
♪ <i>You and I</i>
<i>Will be young forever </i>♪

1258
01:10:14,461 --> 01:10:19,967
♪ <i>You make me</i>
<i>Feel like I'm livin' a teenage dream </i>♪

1259
01:10:20,050 --> 01:10:23,595
♪ <i>The way you turn me on</i>
<i>I can't sleep </i>♪

1260
01:10:23,679 --> 01:10:26,682
♪ <i>Let's run away</i>
<i>And don't ever look back </i>♪

1261
01:10:26,765 --> 01:10:29,184
♪ <i>Don't ever look back 'cause </i>♪

1262
01:10:29,268 --> 01:10:32,437
♪ <i>My heart stops</i>
<i>When you look at me </i>♪

1263
01:10:32,521 --> 01:10:36,400
♪ <i>Just one touch</i>
<i>Now, baby, I believe </i>♪

1264
01:10:36,483 --> 01:10:38,068
♪ <i>This is real </i>♪

1265
01:10:38,151 --> 01:10:41,071
♪ <i>So take a chance</i>
<i>And don't ever look back </i>♪

1266
01:10:41,154 --> 01:10:43,282
♪ <i>Don't ever look back </i>♪

1267
01:10:43,365 --> 01:10:46,702
♪ <i>Get your heart racing</i>
<i>In my skin-tight jeans </i>♪

1268
01:10:46,785 --> 01:10:49,788
♪ <i>Be your teenage dream tonight </i>♪

1269
01:10:49,871 --> 01:10:53,917
♪ <i>Let you put your hands on me</i>
<i>In my skin-tight jeans </i>♪

1270
01:10:54,001 --> 01:10:56,461
♪ <i>Be your teenage dream tonight </i>♪

1271
01:11:00,966 --> 01:11:04,261
Ronnie Chieng, everybody.
I mean, he's just incredible...

1272
01:11:04,344 --> 01:11:10,392
♪ <i>You make me</i>
<i>Feel like I'm livin' a teenage dream </i>♪

1273
01:11:10,475 --> 01:11:12,019
♪ <i>The way you turn me on </i>♪

1274
01:11:12,102 --> 01:11:15,147
♪ <i>I can't sleep</i>
<i>Let's run away </i>♪

1275
01:11:15,230 --> 01:11:19,359
♪ <i>And don't ever look back</i>
<i>Don't ever look back 'cause </i>♪

1276
01:11:19,443 --> 01:11:22,988
♪ <i>My heart stops</i>
<i>When you look at me </i>♪

1277
01:11:23,071 --> 01:11:26,533
♪ <i>Just one touch</i>
<i>Now, baby, I believe </i>♪

1278
01:11:26,616 --> 01:11:28,577
♪ <i>This is real </i>♪

1279
01:11:28,660 --> 01:11:31,580
♪ <i>So take a chance</i>
<i>And don't ever look back </i>♪

1280
01:11:31,663 --> 01:11:32,748
♪ <i>Don't ever look... </i>♪

1281
01:11:32,831 --> 01:11:36,752
♪ <i>I'ma get your heart racing</i>
<i>In my skin-tight jeans </i>♪

1282
01:11:36,835 --> 01:11:40,005
♪ <i>Be your teenage dream tonight </i>♪

1283
01:11:40,088 --> 01:11:43,884
♪ <i>Let you put your hands on me</i>
<i>In my skin-tight jeans </i>♪

1284
01:11:43,967 --> 01:11:46,928
♪ <i>Be your teenage dream tonight </i>♪

1285
01:11:48,889 --> 01:11:51,850
[cheers and applause]

1286
01:12:02,778 --> 01:12:05,197
Ronnie Chieng, everybody.
Ronnie Chieng!

1287
01:12:07,699 --> 01:12:10,911
Josh Adam Meyers and
the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band!

1288
01:12:12,120 --> 01:12:15,248
Give it up for yourselves, thank you guys
so much for coming out tonight.

1289
01:12:15,332 --> 01:12:17,209
We had a great time making you laugh.

1290
01:12:18,418 --> 01:12:20,379
We'll see you, thank you, thank you.

1291
01:12:20,462 --> 01:12:22,422
[Ross] What's the point of the show, Bill?

1292
01:12:22,506 --> 01:12:24,925
Are you gonna play
drums tonight, or what's gonna happen?

1293
01:12:25,008 --> 01:12:25,967
No.

1294
01:12:26,051 --> 01:12:28,804
I'm a big believer in not doing your hobby
on TV.

1295
01:12:28,887 --> 01:12:30,764
[all laugh]

1296
01:12:35,143 --> 01:12:36,436
Killing it, having a good time.

1297
01:12:37,604 --> 01:12:40,899
My name was Lifschultz back then,
they had to use a smaller font.

1298
01:12:40,982 --> 01:12:44,277
And how was doing comedy in the fifties?

1299
01:12:44,361 --> 01:12:46,238
It was good, it was good.

1300
01:12:46,321 --> 01:12:49,157
You're gonna let him get away with that?
Come on, look at that blazer.

1301
01:12:49,241 --> 01:12:52,828
I didn't realize you were gonna be
dressed as a ventriloquist dummy's dummy.

1302
01:13:02,671 --> 01:13:05,298
If this was an improv group,
what would it be called?

1303
01:13:05,382 --> 01:13:06,883
The "No Money Backs," or...?

1304
01:13:08,844 --> 01:13:11,179
I'm sorry, I'm trying to Lipton
our way through this.

1305
01:13:11,263 --> 01:13:13,140
Don't you have to change the battery
by now?

1306
01:13:13,223 --> 01:13:14,975
Honestly, this is really going on.

1307
01:13:15,058 --> 01:13:17,018
[all laugh]