1
00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:14,806
["9 to 5" by Dolly Parton playing]
2
00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:18,268
[alarms ringing and buzzing]
3
00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:23,356
♪ Tumble outta bed
And I stumble to the kitchen ♪
4
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,567
♪ Pour myself a cup of ambition ♪
5
00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:28,611
♪ And yawn and stretch
And try to come to life ♪
6
00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:32,699
♪ Jump in the shower
And the blood starts pumping ♪
7
00:00:32,782 --> 00:00:34,909
♪ Out on the street,
The traffic starts jumping ♪
8
00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:39,039
♪ With folks like me
On the job from 9 to 5 ♪
9
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:43,960
♪ Working 9 to 5
What a way to make a living ♪
10
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:48,631
♪ Barely getting by
It's all taking and no giving ♪
11
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:53,219
♪ They just use your mind
And they never give you credit ♪
12
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:58,391
♪ It's enough to drive you crazy
If you let it... ♪
13
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:02,437
[announcer] Please welcome your hosts
for Ladies Night Live...
14
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:06,024
my dear friends,
Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin!
15
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:09,069
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- ["9 to 5" continues playing]
16
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,493
- [song fades out]
- [ovation continues]
17
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:20,330
[Jane] Thank you.
18
00:01:20,872 --> 00:01:22,665
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
19
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:25,168
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
20
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:31,216
- Thank you all. Thank you!
- Thank you very much.
21
00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:35,512
[cheering and applause continues]
22
00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:43,102
Hi.
23
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:47,482
- Hi.
- Wow.
24
00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:49,400
Hi. Hey.
25
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:54,280
Lily, that sounded like the voice
of God introducing us.
26
00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:56,241
Well, it could have been.
27
00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:59,786
I've had a feeling lately
that God has gone rogue.
28
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:06,960
Wow, the playing of...
the start with Dolly...
29
00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:09,295
This whole audience.
It's just surreal.
30
00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:12,048
[audience cheers]
31
00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:17,137
You know, surreal is the new real.
Right?
32
00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:20,348
We are so excited
to be here tonight
33
00:02:20,431 --> 00:02:23,643
at the beautiful historic
Hollywood Palladium.
34
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:24,894
Yay!
35
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:26,687
Yeah.
36
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,566
You know,
with all the wonder women here,
37
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:32,819
maybe a more appropriate word
would be
38
00:02:32,902 --> 00:02:34,445
"her"-storic.
39
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:41,578
And for anyone who is wondering,
this is not an awards show.
40
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:45,623
Yeah. The women here
have already won more awards
41
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,751
than the Netflix algorithms
can keep up with.
42
00:02:49,377 --> 00:02:53,590
But today so much
of the big data has to do with women.
43
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:58,636
Maybe we should coin a new word:
"gal"-gorithms.
44
00:03:02,181 --> 00:03:04,809
You're disgustingly woke.
45
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,730
Anyway, we don't need
to give out awards tonight,
46
00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:10,565
because everybody here
is already a winner.
47
00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:14,611
Right? We're here to celebrate
"Women in Comedy".
48
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:24,412
We are all members
of the "gal-" gorithm generation.
49
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:28,041
Oh, and we're also celebrating...
50
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:30,793
seven seasons of Grace and Frankie.
Oh, my God, I almost...
51
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,172
Oh, my God.
52
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:39,344
[Jane] I almost forgot about that.
53
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:42,138
Your short-term memory is showing.
54
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,266
Lapses of the synapses.
55
00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:47,560
Ha ha ha.
56
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:50,063
Anyway, we have such great fans.
57
00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:53,483
And we collected questions
from them for tonight's show.
58
00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:55,693
- And so...
- We'd thought we'd take a moment
59
00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:57,153
and answer some of them.
60
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,696
Are you ready?
61
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:05,536
"Who are some of the women who
have had the most impact on you?"
62
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:06,704
On me?
63
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:09,415
Oh... Greta Thunberg.
64
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:12,877
- Katharine Hepburn. Dolly, of course.
- Of course.
65
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:18,258
Reba, Nancy Pelosi,
Jane Goodall. Yeah.
66
00:04:19,550 --> 00:04:22,679
Elizabeth Warren, AOC.
67
00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:25,890
Christiane Amanpour.
68
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:29,352
They said that I resemble her
in appearance.
69
00:04:30,853 --> 00:04:32,480
Melissa McCarthy.
70
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:34,941
That's good.
71
00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:37,068
- Did we say Dolly?
- Yeah, we did.
72
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,029
Wanda Sykes.
73
00:04:42,198 --> 00:04:45,285
And the brave women of the Ukraine!
74
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:51,124
And by the way, we're all going to
have to become like the brave women
75
00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:54,627
of the Ukraine and fight what's
about to come down the pike
76
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:56,337
from you-know-where.
77
00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:04,304
Are you talking
about the Supreme Court?
78
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,139
I'm talking about the SCOTUS.
79
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:09,183
- Not scrotum.
- SCOTUS.
80
00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:10,810
SCOTUS.
81
00:05:10,893 --> 00:05:12,573
Anyway, I don't even want
to talk about it.
82
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:13,685
It makes me sick. Come on.
83
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,315
- Read your card.
- Next question.
84
00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:21,988
"Lily, you've said your partner
Jane Wagner is Jane number one,
85
00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:25,074
and Jane Fonda is Jane number two.
86
00:05:25,783 --> 00:05:28,703
Is there a Jane number three
or four?"
87
00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:29,912
There better not be!
88
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:33,916
Well, believe me,
two are more than enough.
89
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:37,045
Okay, let's see here.
90
00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:38,713
"What was your worst audition?"
91
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:44,927
Isn't this night supposed
to be celebrating us?
92
00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:48,514
I understand if you don't want
to talk about it.
93
00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:51,350
Okay, yes, I was passed over...
94
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:54,520
to host the show Is It Cake?
95
00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,734
And no,
I don't want to talk about it.
96
00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:02,195
Okay, okay, so last one.
97
00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:06,074
"Do you keep a gratitude journal,
and if so,
98
00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,785
what are some of the things
you're grateful for?"
99
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,996
- Jane, I'm grateful for you.
- [audience] Awww.
100
00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:18,252
And I'm grateful for you, Lily.
101
00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:19,879
Oh, thank you.
102
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:24,967
Oh my God, and we're also grateful
to have an incredible line-up
103
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,136
of comedians for you
this evening.
104
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:32,433
That's right, we're going
to be here all night long,
105
00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:34,268
- so we'd better get started.
- You bet.
106
00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:40,191
The first of our guests is an actor,
comedian, and social media sensation.
107
00:06:40,274 --> 00:06:44,278
I liked her from the very moment
that I heard her first-ever tour
108
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:46,197
was called "The Farewell Tour".
109
00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:52,495
- Please welcome...
- [both] Heather McMahan!
110
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:01,337
[mouthing words]
111
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:05,883
This is a surreal moment.
112
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:09,512
Jane and Lily, ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for them!
113
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,183
We are not worthy.
114
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,560
Ladies, thank you for having us.
115
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,080
You have no idea, when I was
a little girl in Atlanta, Georgia,
116
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:21,816
I never thought in a million years
I'd be here in a power blazer
117
00:07:21,899 --> 00:07:23,192
with you two bad bitches.
118
00:07:24,068 --> 00:07:26,154
I love you, thank you for having me.
119
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:27,905
Oh, my God, this is iconic.
120
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:28,906
How we doing?
121
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,616
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.
122
00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:34,046
Okay, I got to be honest
with you right now.
123
00:07:34,078 --> 00:07:37,623
This is a bold statement,
but women are inherently better
124
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:40,293
at handling panic situations
than men.
125
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,044
Right?
Wouldn't you agree, ladies?
126
00:07:43,921 --> 00:07:45,715
I first noticed this
during the pandemic.
127
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,758
I don't know where you were at
when the news hit,
128
00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:50,094
but I was in my tiny apartment
in New York City,
129
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:53,890
and my husband was really
having a hard time with this.
130
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,893
He was having his first panic attack,
and I gotta be honest with you,
131
00:07:56,976 --> 00:08:00,480
it was the funniest shit
I've ever seen in my life.
132
00:08:01,397 --> 00:08:04,817
My husband's like 6'2",
an Italian New Yorker,
133
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:09,197
and he's sitting on our IKEA couch
in a Penn State jersey,
134
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:14,452
death-gripping a meatball sub,
just dry-heaving back and forth,
135
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:18,164
like, "This isn't good, babe!
This is not good!"
136
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,919
I'm like, "Honey, look at me,
look at me, right now.
137
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,670
Look at me.
Focus, okay?
138
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:28,674
We got to be a team, we are locked
and loaded, dial it in!"
139
00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:31,969
And he was like, "Babe.
Babe, I can't do this.
140
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:34,430
I can't do this shit.
You know my biggest fear is...
141
00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:37,266
You know, my biggest fear is dying!"
142
00:08:40,561 --> 00:08:43,814
No fucking shit, Jeff!
143
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:50,363
Of course your biggest fear is dying!
144
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:53,032
I think
that's everybody's biggest fear!
145
00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:55,993
Actually, mine is getting
my Nordstrom credit card declined,
146
00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:57,119
and that's on God.
147
00:08:57,203 --> 00:09:00,331
You know that tomato basil bisque
is fire!
148
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,168
I will say though,
149
00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:06,712
as much of a little bitch
my husband can be sometimes,
150
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:09,590
he was really my champion.
151
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:11,926
We've been going
through some fertility issues.
152
00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:14,095
And I was really bummed last year.
153
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:15,388
Couldn't have a baby.
154
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,074
But he said, "You know what,
let's get a dog.
155
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,016
If we can't have a baby.
Let's get a dog."
156
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,518
Any dog moms out there?
157
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:22,061
- [audience cheers]
- Hell, yeah.
158
00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:24,021
Crazy bitches.
I love it.
159
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,775
I want you to know,
I did try and rescue.
160
00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:30,278
- Any rescue moms out there? Yeah.
- [audience cheers]
161
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:34,073
[baby talk voice] Did you rescue?
Did you get that rescue?
162
00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,075
[normal voice] Good for you.
163
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:37,158
I tried.
164
00:09:37,201 --> 00:09:39,287
Hand to God, I tried to rescue, okay?
165
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:42,999
But after like
the seventh rescue agency
166
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:46,419
that like, did a "light background
check" on me, you know what I mean?
167
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,548
I got denied.
And my husband was pissed.
168
00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:52,258
Like, "You know what?
Fuck this.
169
00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:54,385
Look at me in the eyes.
Get dialed in, Heather.
170
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:57,179
This is bullshit.
We deserve to be dog parents.
171
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,037
Listen to me.
Listen to me right now.
172
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:02,351
I want you to go to Chase Bank,
I want you to get out $6,000 cash.
173
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,312
We're going to get a purebred!"
174
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:07,565
So you know what we did?
175
00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:09,900
Peak pandemic,
we got in my Jetta.
176
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:12,361
we drove up
to the Georgia-Tennessee border.
177
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:16,532
I pulled into
a closed Waffle House parking lot.
178
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:20,453
That's how you knew
the world was on fire.
179
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:25,374
I literally skeeted in... [screeches]
Skeeted in.
180
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,169
Opened my sunroof,
I shit you not,
181
00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:32,882
I handed $6,000 cash
out of the sunroof to a breeder.
182
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:38,346
She handed me my perfect little baby
Rigatoni Cannoli Gandolfini Daniels.
183
00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:41,891
Through the fucking sunroof!
184
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,436
It was like a scene
from The Lion King, like...
185
00:10:45,519 --> 00:10:47,355
[chanting "Circle of Life"]
186
00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:50,858
And I love that dog so much,
that is my baby,
187
00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:53,235
I don't know if you guys
recently heard this,
188
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,363
but there was a woman who was kicked
off a flight
189
00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,281
because she was
breastfeeding her cat.
190
00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:58,658
Did you hear about that?
191
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,703
Guess what?
I fucking get it, okay?
192
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:06,666
But the wild thing
is I got totally bamboozled
193
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,352
because I spent all this money
on a purebred.
194
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,628
I have the most
fucked-up dog you could ever imagine.
195
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:13,047
He's a Frenchie,
and they have a lot of problems.
196
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:16,717
But like, every time he takes
a shit, his eyes bulge out.
197
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:19,762
And yeah, he's just like
cross-eyed and straining.
198
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:21,847
And he doesn't bark.
199
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:24,225
All he does is scream
like a pterodactyl.
200
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:28,562
He's just, like...
[screaming]
201
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:30,648
Yeah.
202
00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:33,484
So now when I take him for a walk
and people want to come up,
203
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:36,112
they're like "Oh my God, Rigatoni!
He's so cute. Can I touch?"
204
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:38,155
I'm like,
"No, no, no, I'm so sorry.
205
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,157
You should back up.
We're still in training.
206
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:42,660
You know, uh, he's a rescue, so.''
207
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,330
Thanks, guys!
I'm Heather McMahon!
208
00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:49,083
[cheering and applause]
209
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:54,839
[Lily] Our next guest
is a fabulous comedian.
210
00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:57,258
We are thrilled to have her.
211
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:01,178
She's an outstanding
stand-up actress, podcaster,
212
00:12:01,345 --> 00:12:05,057
and host of Netflix's own The Circle.
213
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:07,893
It's Michelle Buteau.
214
00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:10,479
[cheering and applause]
215
00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:14,525
[Michelle] What's up?
What's up?
216
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,485
What's up? What's up?
217
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:19,155
Come on, Jane!
Come on, Lily!
218
00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:22,491
Come on, Jane!
Come on, Lily!
219
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:25,411
[laughing]
220
00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:29,123
Oh, my goodness, thank you so much
for having me, you guys.
221
00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:30,374
Ugh!
222
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:34,336
My Christmas Future in a blazer,
I love you so much.
223
00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:39,091
I'll see you at the Kwanzaa party.
A-oh!
224
00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:42,428
My goodness.
What am I doing here?
225
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:44,221
They didn't drug test me.
226
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,642
This is so nice.
Honestly, this is so nice.
227
00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:53,564
The last time I've done stand-up
on Netflix, Trump was president!
228
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:56,484
- [audience boos]
- That's crazy!
229
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:57,902
That's a long time ago.
230
00:12:57,985 --> 00:13:00,321
The last time I did stand-up
on Netflix,
231
00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:02,865
Adele and I
were the same size.
232
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,247
Good for her!
233
00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:19,483
I don't know
if you guys remember this,
234
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:21,300
like at the beginning of quarantine,
235
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:24,011
when we were told that
we had to stay home for two weeks.
236
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:28,641
Do you remember that?
And I was like "Two weeks?
237
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:31,185
What am I going to do
for two weeks?"
238
00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:33,604
That's so long!
239
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,773
I was doing
what everybody else was doing,
240
00:13:35,856 --> 00:13:39,652
I was like, "Check out
my banana bread. Ow, super moist!"
241
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,073
Shut up.
242
00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:49,119
Truly, all my Insta stories
were like, "It's quarantini time!"
243
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:52,081
Then three months in,
oh, I was a mess!
244
00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:56,085
I was a mess, I went to my Instagram
just to see how messy I was
245
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:58,546
and I had this one post,
and it was just like,
246
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,381
"Hey guys...
247
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:03,592
how you doing?
248
00:14:04,843 --> 00:14:07,346
Don't answer that.
I know it's a loaded question.
249
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:12,851
Can you just drop me your favorite
quote in times of peril?"
250
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:15,312
What?
251
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:17,398
Drop me your favorite quote?
252
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:19,984
If your girl is asking you
to drop your favorite quote,
253
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:23,237
you need to check on that bitch.
She is not well!
254
00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:26,782
I am not well!
255
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:29,994
It really was like the Upside Down
in Stranger Things,
256
00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:32,329
I mean, my friends were so messy.
257
00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,498
Like my friends
with hair were bald,
258
00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:39,628
my friends that were bald had hair...
it was crazy!
259
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,841
When I finally saw my hairdresser...
260
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:44,800
First of all, Black hairdressers
261
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,887
should have been deemed
"essential workers," okay?
262
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,057
When I finally saw my hairdresser
a year and a half later,
263
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,976
I was more excited to see her
than my mom.
264
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,102
I was like...
265
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,396
that son at the end
of The Color Purple,
266
00:14:57,479 --> 00:14:58,939
I was like, "Mama."
267
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,026
"Mama..."
268
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:07,573
Some of y'all need
to see The Color Purple.
269
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,409
Really?
270
00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:13,287
We got a reboot!
271
00:15:15,122 --> 00:15:16,916
No excuses!
272
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:21,253
Oh man, and then we found out
how we could get the virus,
273
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:24,381
and it was basically like
all the holes in your face.
274
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,886
I'm not a scientist, but I was like,
"All the holes in my face?"
275
00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:32,640
I was like, "I'm fucked.
My face is so big."
276
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,685
It's very expressive.
277
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:40,648
And you really got to know yourself
in an intimate way
278
00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:42,191
with that mask on
all the time.
279
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:45,235
Like, do you guys remember
where you were
280
00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:48,113
the first time
you burped in your mask?
281
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:55,621
I was like, "Who dat?"
282
00:15:58,874 --> 00:16:00,292
"It me!"
283
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:05,297
It was like a face queef.
284
00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:12,846
I was shooketh.
285
00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:16,475
I had to call
my husband and apologize
286
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:19,395
for queefing
in his face for 11 years!
287
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:22,272
I thought it was fun!
288
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:28,237
I even have a nickname for her.
I call her "Caribbean Queef".
289
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,242
And she got a song.
♪ Caribbean Queef ♪
290
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:43,085
♪ And I just had rice and beans ♪
291
00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,426
I'm someone's mom.
292
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,889
[cheering and applause]
293
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:57,474
Thank you.
294
00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,268
Thank you.
295
00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:04,857
It was crazy, like we had
to wear a mask to save lives.
296
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:06,540
Like, that's what
we needed to do, right?
297
00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:08,088
And like, when the people were dying,
298
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,404
I was so angry when I would see
someone's nose.
299
00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:13,282
And it was always
an older man's nose.
300
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:16,285
They... I see y'all.
Y'all didn't give a fuck.
301
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:19,329
Bill, Bob, James,
whoever the fuck you are,
302
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:23,083
I saw... I was so mad...
I was like, "Put your nose away!"
303
00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:26,003
You remember a few years ago
304
00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:28,630
when guys were just taking
their dicks out at work?
305
00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:32,885
And we were like,
"Nobody want to see your dick."
306
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:35,804
This time I was like,
"Nobody want to see your nose!"
307
00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:40,684
These guys turned me into a Karen!
308
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:42,686
I was tattletaling at Whole Foods.
309
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,855
I was like, "His nose is out!"
310
00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:51,653
"He is by the rotisserie chickens.
That is not okay!"
311
00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:56,450
[scoffing]
312
00:17:56,950 --> 00:18:00,162
"Now he's by the oxtail.
What the fuck!"
313
00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:05,542
It's not okay!
314
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,253
And during quarantine,
oh my God,
315
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,297
you learned
who your people were, okay?
316
00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:12,216
Whether they were your friends
or your family,
317
00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:16,678
I didn't know I had
so many anti-vaxxers in my circle.
318
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:18,388
It was bananas.
319
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,390
Like I had a lot of friends
who were just like,
320
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,518
"Michelle, why do you want
to get vaccinated?"
321
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:25,020
And I'm like,
"Because of death!"
322
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,316
What?
323
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,198
It's that simple.
It's that simple!
324
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:38,826
And then my friends were like,
"Man, you trust the government?"
325
00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:40,929
"You don't think the government's
trying to poison you with that?"
326
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,957
I'm like ''No, Booboo, that Taco Bell
you eatin' is poison, okay?"
327
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:53,465
And it's always my friends that
were the biggest hoes in college...
328
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,765
that try to tell me
not to get vaccinated.
329
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:04,935
I said, "Bitch,
you've swallowed way worse.
330
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:07,104
Okay?"
331
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:11,191
Goodnight, everybody!
332
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:13,777
[cheering and applause]
333
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:21,994
Whoo!
334
00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:25,330
Um, we have a second here.
335
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:29,084
Should we talk to each other
or take a question from the audience?
336
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,461
- Oh God, take the question.
- Okay.
337
00:19:32,462 --> 00:19:35,215
"Do you have a favorite cheese?"
338
00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:39,219
I love them all equally.
339
00:19:39,803 --> 00:19:40,929
[woman] Cheddar!
340
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,641
They're all God's children.
341
00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:50,105
I used to prefer hard cheese,
342
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:55,027
but you know, now I'll settle
for a semi-hard... cheese.
343
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:00,199
Let's see, here's one more.
344
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:05,037
You were in the movie 9 to 5,
but what hours do you actually work?
345
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,789
Oh my God, all of them!
346
00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:11,376
You know, 10 days after we finished
Grace and Frankie,
347
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:12,711
we did a movie together,
348
00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:16,465
and then a few months after that,
we did another movie together.
349
00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:21,803
And the second movie was
with Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski.
350
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:24,640
- I don't think...
- [laughter]
351
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,894
I don't think this is
like a football audience.
352
00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:34,608
And our schedule really tuckered
the football players out.
353
00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:37,027
Yeah, those guys need
to learn how to hustle, right?
354
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,406
Well, our next comic
knows how to hustle.
355
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:42,658
Yeah, she does.
356
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:45,786
She's the first Latina woman
to produce, write and star
357
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,038
in her own
US prime-time comedy.
358
00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:52,376
Let's give it up for Cristela Alonzo!
359
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:56,922
Yes!
360
00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:02,594
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
361
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:03,804
Thank you!
362
00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:06,181
Oh!
How you guys doing?
363
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:11,144
Oh, one more time like you mean it!
How you doing?
364
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:13,772
[cheering and applause]
365
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,192
Jane, Lily, I have to say,
366
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:20,028
I am a first-generation
Mexican-American.
367
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,739
My mom never learned
to speak English,
368
00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:25,659
and we used to watch 9 to 5...
369
00:21:25,742 --> 00:21:28,370
or as she called it, Nueve a Cinco...
370
00:21:29,162 --> 00:21:31,915
all the time, and we loved it,
371
00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:35,294
because it was so great
to see a movie
372
00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:38,297
where women could be funny
and smart,
373
00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:42,259
so thank you so much.
It means so much,
374
00:21:42,342 --> 00:21:44,219
I didn't expect it,
and thank you.
375
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,722
It really, like...
376
00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:50,183
[giggling]
377
00:21:50,475 --> 00:21:52,602
I'm just glad to be out, seriously.
378
00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:55,105
Like, past couple of years
have been crazy.
379
00:21:55,188 --> 00:21:56,898
It's been weird
how like, people showed you
380
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:58,650
like, their true colors, man.
381
00:21:58,734 --> 00:22:00,777
You know what I don't understand:
382
00:22:00,861 --> 00:22:03,572
anti-maskers
that are not good-looking.
383
00:22:03,655 --> 00:22:05,240
Why?
384
00:22:06,199 --> 00:22:09,369
Like I would understand
if the anti-maskers were hot.
385
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:12,122
You know, like if Brad Pitt
was like, "Fuck masks!"
386
00:22:12,205 --> 00:22:14,750
I'm like, "That's right, baby.
Fuck masks," right?
387
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:18,170
And shirts, right?
"And shirts!"
388
00:22:19,254 --> 00:22:21,798
But all these people
were like, "Fuck masks!"
389
00:22:21,882 --> 00:22:24,051
And I'm like,
"Bitch, you need like three masks."
390
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:26,762
"Like I know
you don't believe in science,
391
00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:29,097
but do you believe in mirrors?"
Like...
392
00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:35,437
One thing I learned about
the past couple years too,
393
00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:38,815
there's some of you that have
never gone through hard times.
394
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:41,401
You don't know
how to deal with struggle.
395
00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,779
You know how I realized that?
Grocery shopping.
396
00:22:44,988 --> 00:22:47,574
The food we decided to buy
when we had to freak out
397
00:22:47,657 --> 00:22:49,993
and just like, level up, you know?
398
00:22:50,077 --> 00:22:51,661
Like, I grew up on food stamps.
399
00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:55,332
Growing up on food stamps, that means
that like, every month is a pandemic.
400
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:57,793
I was made for this, a Mexican.
401
00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:02,380
Yo, every month, rice and beans.
Done.
402
00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:06,384
They told us we got to lock down,
I'm like, "I'm good.
403
00:23:06,968 --> 00:23:08,053
Rice and beans."
404
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:10,722
Hey, I don't wanna brag.
I got money.
405
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:12,784
Am I going to buy a loaf of bread?
I'll buy a loaf of bread.
406
00:23:12,808 --> 00:23:14,184
Fuck it, yeah.
407
00:23:15,143 --> 00:23:17,479
I got peanut butter money.
Fuck yeah, I do.
408
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:19,648
I don't want to brag.
409
00:23:19,731 --> 00:23:21,316
Crunchy?
Damn right.
410
00:23:23,026 --> 00:23:24,826
But I couldn't go grocery shopping
right away,
411
00:23:24,903 --> 00:23:26,321
so I was really nervous, right?
412
00:23:26,404 --> 00:23:27,614
I don't want to brag,
but my,
413
00:23:27,697 --> 00:23:30,909
like I live
in like Beverly Hills-adjacent.
414
00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:34,579
Like if you open my window
from my bedroom,
415
00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:37,374
like, "Oh, that's Beverly Hills
way over there." Like that's...
416
00:23:38,416 --> 00:23:40,544
My grocery store
is in Beverly Hills.
417
00:23:40,627 --> 00:23:41,837
I couldn't go right away,
418
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:45,465
so I was really worried that
all my stuff would be gone, right?
419
00:23:45,549 --> 00:23:47,717
So, the day that I could go,
I was freaking out,
420
00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:48,801
I ran over,
421
00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:51,847
went straight to the rice and beans,
and guess what?
422
00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:53,140
They were all there.
423
00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:58,228
In fact, it looked like people came
and donated their rice and beans,
424
00:23:58,311 --> 00:23:59,604
like so many.
425
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,650
I went to the loaf of bread,
all there.
426
00:24:03,733 --> 00:24:05,110
Peanut butter, all there.
427
00:24:05,193 --> 00:24:07,863
And I started thinking,
what are rich white people buying?
428
00:24:08,697 --> 00:24:10,073
So, I went to investigate.
429
00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:14,661
Number one, sodas, gone.
430
00:24:16,371 --> 00:24:17,998
Number two, cheese.
431
00:24:18,957 --> 00:24:21,877
Not like Kraft singles and shit.
Like goat cheese!
432
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,754
Like all the cheese
that smells like feet, fucking gone.
433
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:29,676
Number three, wine.
Why?
434
00:24:29,759 --> 00:24:31,928
To go with the cheese I just bought!
435
00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:37,934
So I went
to a friend's house right after,
436
00:24:38,018 --> 00:24:40,145
and I told her, I'm like,
"Isn't that messed up?"
437
00:24:40,854 --> 00:24:42,355
She's like, "Yeah."
438
00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:46,568
"Why were you buying sides?"
439
00:24:54,743 --> 00:24:57,662
Like, no one had ever
called my food "sides".
440
00:24:59,664 --> 00:25:01,041
I was like, "What?"
She was like,
441
00:25:01,124 --> 00:25:04,377
"Why did you buy sides
and no entrée?"
442
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:11,593
And I was like, "Girl, for poor
people, the sides is the entrée!"
443
00:25:13,261 --> 00:25:14,638
She was like, "Ew!"
444
00:25:15,263 --> 00:25:17,807
Then I look at her counter,
and I see a soda...
445
00:25:18,808 --> 00:25:21,228
cheese, wine...
446
00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:24,731
and I'm like, "Man, the call is
coming from inside the house!"
447
00:25:28,026 --> 00:25:29,903
But, I also want to say,
448
00:25:30,278 --> 00:25:32,822
man, rich white people
can be helpful, too.
449
00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:33,990
Like look,
450
00:25:34,074 --> 00:25:36,368
I love white people,
you guys are great.
451
00:25:36,451 --> 00:25:38,703
You know what I love?
You always come up with equipment.
452
00:25:39,746 --> 00:25:41,831
Every sport has to have
an equipment.
453
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:46,044
You got Fitbit, just to see
how many steps you can do.
454
00:25:47,170 --> 00:25:48,981
I asked my friends,
"Why do you have a Fitbit?"
455
00:25:49,005 --> 00:25:50,632
"Well, how many steps
should I do?"
456
00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:51,817
"How do I know when I'm done?"
457
00:25:51,841 --> 00:25:53,301
When you're fucking tired.
458
00:26:00,183 --> 00:26:01,810
Works for me.
459
00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:04,437
Now, I don't want to brag,
but I like to go hiking.
460
00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:07,065
I don't use any equipment
when I go hiking.
461
00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:08,588
I love to go hiking but like, again,
462
00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:11,236
I don't use equipment
because hiking is walking, right?
463
00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:13,697
It's like hiking out...
"Oh look, I'm hiking right now."
464
00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:15,740
Right?
Like, you know what I mean?
465
00:26:15,824 --> 00:26:17,158
No equipment.
466
00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:18,702
That's how I roll.
467
00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:20,745
Couple weeks ago,
I was in Denver.
468
00:26:20,829 --> 00:26:22,431
I was at the Rocky Mountain
National Park.
469
00:26:22,455 --> 00:26:24,124
I decided to go hiking, right?
470
00:26:24,499 --> 00:26:26,209
The trail is just dirt.
471
00:26:26,710 --> 00:26:27,710
Flat.
472
00:26:27,752 --> 00:26:30,297
And I'm walking,
and I'm like, I'm fuckin' hiking.
473
00:26:31,047 --> 00:26:34,092
And then I see a white couple
with like their walking poles.
474
00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:38,638
And there's no incline.
It's just flat!
475
00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:41,391
And I'm like,
"Do you need balance for this?"
476
00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:42,475
Like, really?
477
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:45,687
Like it looks like they're skiing
on rocks, you know what I mean?
478
00:26:46,688 --> 00:26:48,565
And I'm like, "That's ridiculous."
479
00:26:49,065 --> 00:26:51,443
I keep on my trail.
It starts snowing.
480
00:26:51,526 --> 00:26:53,278
Like, snowing bad.
481
00:26:53,361 --> 00:26:56,656
Snowing to the point where like,
the trail is hidden. It's covered.
482
00:26:56,740 --> 00:26:58,199
I end up getting lost.
483
00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:00,994
The snow's up to here.
I'm stuck.
484
00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:03,038
And I'm like, "Fuck.
485
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:05,832
I'm going to die in a snow cone.
486
00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:11,338
How do I get out of here?"
Guess what?
487
00:27:12,088 --> 00:27:13,715
White people showed up...
488
00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:16,926
with their equipment.
489
00:27:17,635 --> 00:27:19,721
Not only did they have
the walking sticks,
490
00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:22,241
you know what they had? They had
tennis racquets on their feet,
491
00:27:22,265 --> 00:27:24,225
so they could fucking walk
on the snow.
492
00:27:24,684 --> 00:27:26,936
They were like,
"We're here to help you!"
493
00:27:27,729 --> 00:27:29,689
They pull me out of the snow,
494
00:27:30,190 --> 00:27:31,900
really concerned,
and they look at me
495
00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:34,152
and they're like,
"Did you lose equipment?"
496
00:27:38,990 --> 00:27:41,076
I'm like,
"No, I don't use equipment!"
497
00:27:41,534 --> 00:27:44,162
Years ago, I dated this guy.
He was a survivalist.
498
00:27:44,412 --> 00:27:47,165
If you don't know what a survivalist
is, that means you have money,
499
00:27:47,248 --> 00:27:48,917
but you like to pretend
you don't.
500
00:27:50,418 --> 00:27:52,462
He taught me how
to hike and camp and everything,
501
00:27:52,545 --> 00:27:53,838
took me on all these trails.
502
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:55,733
He always taught me,
"You know what's really fun?
503
00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:58,385
If you finish the trail
with no equipment,
504
00:27:58,468 --> 00:27:59,803
it makes you feel
real good."
505
00:27:59,886 --> 00:28:01,096
And I started thinking,
506
00:28:01,179 --> 00:28:03,848
never noticed that
"if you finish the trail," right?
507
00:28:04,307 --> 00:28:06,702
So I'm telling the couple,
"This is how I learned how to hike,
508
00:28:06,726 --> 00:28:08,061
no equipment, blah, blah, blah,"
509
00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:09,437
And the white couple is like,
510
00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:12,107
"Wow, are you guys still together?"
511
00:28:12,816 --> 00:28:15,169
And I was like, "No, he was stupid.
Like I broke up with him.
512
00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:16,793
He doesn't know
what he's talking about."
513
00:28:17,612 --> 00:28:20,615
And they're like,
"And you still listen to his advice?"
514
00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:23,284
And I was like, "Fuck, fair point."
515
00:28:25,787 --> 00:28:29,666
And then I started thinking,
I don't know what happened to him.
516
00:28:34,712 --> 00:28:36,172
I'm going to Google.
517
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:40,635
So I finish the trail, go back
to my car, and I Google him.
518
00:28:40,718 --> 00:28:41,761
Guess what?
519
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:43,972
Fuckin' dead.
520
00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:48,101
He died hiking.
521
00:28:50,019 --> 00:28:54,023
He went to Thailand, did a trail,
was never heard from again.
522
00:28:55,233 --> 00:28:59,070
And the moral of the story is,
"Bitch, I need equipment."
523
00:28:59,904 --> 00:29:01,698
Thank you, guys.
My name is Cristela Alonzo.
524
00:29:01,781 --> 00:29:03,032
Thank you so much.
525
00:29:03,116 --> 00:29:06,453
[cheering and applause]
526
00:29:11,374 --> 00:29:14,461
Wow.
Cristela Alonzo!
527
00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:17,589
And we have more amazing comedians
coming up.
528
00:29:17,922 --> 00:29:22,802
But first I want to ask Jane if
she knows anything about the time...
529
00:29:22,886 --> 00:29:25,180
[June Diane Raphael]
I'm sorry, we're late. We're late!
530
00:29:25,263 --> 00:29:28,099
- [cheering and applause]
- Whoa!
531
00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:32,020
What happened?
532
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:37,567
- [cheering and applause continues]
- Wow!
533
00:29:37,650 --> 00:29:39,694
This is a beautiful audience!
534
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:41,696
They really love us, Jane.
535
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:43,782
They're really happy to see us.
536
00:29:44,741 --> 00:29:47,285
Jane, I'm so sorry we were late.
537
00:29:47,368 --> 00:29:49,996
Our names, weirdly,
weren't on the list out there.
538
00:29:50,079 --> 00:29:52,582
I don't know how that happened,
539
00:29:52,665 --> 00:29:56,753
but I'm not sure if you put
our married names down, or...
540
00:29:57,962 --> 00:29:59,214
A man married you?
541
00:30:01,174 --> 00:30:05,136
I'm sure it was a mix-up, Mom.
Truly, it's just not a big deal.
542
00:30:05,220 --> 00:30:07,305
Please stop calling me Mom!
543
00:30:08,932 --> 00:30:13,311
Jane, you promised me that
after we wrapped Grace and Frankie,
544
00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:15,980
they wouldn't bother us again.
545
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:20,735
These two are so funny!
546
00:30:21,861 --> 00:30:23,613
We weren't joking!
547
00:30:23,696 --> 00:30:25,031
Sure, sure.
548
00:30:25,114 --> 00:30:26,241
Any-whosies.
549
00:30:26,324 --> 00:30:31,412
So, Brooklyn and I know
how hard it's been for you two
550
00:30:31,496 --> 00:30:33,248
to end Grace and Frankie,
551
00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:36,334
[baby talk] and say goodbye
to your baby girls.
552
00:30:37,794 --> 00:30:41,339
- It wasn't hard at all for me.
- Easiest thing in the world.
553
00:30:41,422 --> 00:30:44,801
And so, we wanted
to surprise you both,
554
00:30:44,884 --> 00:30:47,595
and remind you that we're always
just a phone call away.
555
00:30:47,679 --> 00:30:48,972
Well, Brooklyn, they know that,
556
00:30:49,055 --> 00:30:51,655
because that's why they're always
sharing their locations with us.
557
00:30:51,683 --> 00:30:55,311
I have got to figure out how
to get them off my cell phone.
558
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:57,146
I don't... is it in the settings?
559
00:30:57,230 --> 00:30:58,690
No, let's just throw
our phones away.
560
00:30:58,773 --> 00:31:01,359
- Yes. That's a good idea.
- Get rid of them.
561
00:31:02,026 --> 00:31:03,945
We love you both so much,
562
00:31:04,028 --> 00:31:07,282
and so we wanted to raise a glass
to celebrate you both.
563
00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:08,783
Yeah.
Oh wow, look!
564
00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:10,660
- [cheering and applause]
- The audience.
565
00:31:11,828 --> 00:31:14,497
[June] Oh, Brooklyn.
Mom.
566
00:31:14,998 --> 00:31:17,750
The regular people
are getting margaritas, too.
567
00:31:19,460 --> 00:31:20,753
That's nice!
568
00:31:20,837 --> 00:31:22,881
- [June] Mom...
- Other Mom...
569
00:31:23,381 --> 00:31:26,134
you two are such amazing women.
570
00:31:26,217 --> 00:31:30,471
We admire you as actors,
as activists, and as human beings.
571
00:31:30,889 --> 00:31:31,973
Mamas,
572
00:31:32,056 --> 00:31:35,435
it's been
such an incredible pleasure
573
00:31:35,518 --> 00:31:38,521
to spend the last eight years
with you on Grace and Frankie.
574
00:31:38,605 --> 00:31:39,689
Oh, God.
575
00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:43,610
Here's to the last seven seasons
of Grace and Frankie!
576
00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:46,738
[cheering and applause]
577
00:31:47,196 --> 00:31:49,032
And here's...
578
00:31:49,115 --> 00:31:51,242
Don't drink it.
Don't drink it.
579
00:31:51,326 --> 00:31:54,162
...to legends
Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda.
580
00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:57,540
[cheering and applause]
581
00:31:58,458 --> 00:32:00,627
Our mothers!
582
00:32:00,710 --> 00:32:03,588
Aaah! Oh, my God!
583
00:32:04,005 --> 00:32:06,132
- I told you...
- Oh, it is so strong.
584
00:32:06,215 --> 00:32:07,759
I told you not to drink it.
585
00:32:07,842 --> 00:32:10,219
Stronger than
that security guard out there.
586
00:32:10,303 --> 00:32:11,346
Oh, my God.
587
00:32:11,429 --> 00:32:12,680
Okay, Madres?
588
00:32:12,764 --> 00:32:14,265
Let's all squeeze together.
589
00:32:14,349 --> 00:32:16,327
Because I'm sure the regular people
in the front row
590
00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:17,977
want a picture
of the Fab Four.
591
00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:20,146
Absolutely not!
592
00:32:20,229 --> 00:32:22,148
- No, fuck no, I'm not...
- [laughter]
593
00:32:23,524 --> 00:32:26,194
- No?
- Time to introduce the next comic.
594
00:32:26,277 --> 00:32:30,323
She's got so many specials,
I can't keep count.
595
00:32:30,406 --> 00:32:34,243
Please welcome to the stage
Iliza Shlesinger!
596
00:32:34,327 --> 00:32:37,038
[cheering and applause]
597
00:32:46,214 --> 00:32:47,507
Thank you.
598
00:32:48,883 --> 00:32:50,259
Thank you.
599
00:32:50,343 --> 00:32:53,763
This is so nice to be indoors.
600
00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:55,974
Right?
601
00:32:56,349 --> 00:32:59,978
Have we forgotten the last few years
602
00:33:00,061 --> 00:33:03,856
where we had to spend all of our time
outside like barn animals?
603
00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:08,069
Like, this is so nice to be inside,
breathing on each other.
604
00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:10,363
It was like a year and a half ago
605
00:33:10,446 --> 00:33:13,074
that we had to eat
everything outside, every restaurant.
606
00:33:13,157 --> 00:33:15,618
It's insane that
it took a pandemic
607
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:18,371
for Los Angeles
to get more outdoor dining.
608
00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:20,581
Right?
609
00:33:23,084 --> 00:33:25,962
And what was so crazy
was it was so dystopian,
610
00:33:26,045 --> 00:33:27,338
but Californians are just...
611
00:33:27,422 --> 00:33:29,173
we're so strong... eh...
612
00:33:29,257 --> 00:33:31,151
and we're sitting out there,
and we're just like,
613
00:33:31,175 --> 00:33:33,386
"We don't care!
We're getting to eat outside!"
614
00:33:33,469 --> 00:33:35,680
And we convinced ourselves
that it was fun.
615
00:33:36,222 --> 00:33:39,017
"We're eating outside!
Isn't this so Parisian?
616
00:33:40,143 --> 00:33:41,811
This is so elegant!
617
00:33:41,894 --> 00:33:42,979
This is so refined!"
618
00:33:43,062 --> 00:33:46,607
You are eating
behind a cement police barricade.
619
00:33:48,484 --> 00:33:51,237
Like, in a bike lane.
620
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:54,073
Your waiter is dressed in riot gear.
621
00:33:55,074 --> 00:33:57,493
This is... oh yes,
you have your mask off, tits out,
622
00:33:57,577 --> 00:33:58,745
lettin' freedom ring.
623
00:33:58,828 --> 00:34:01,080
This guy is dressed like a welder
624
00:34:01,164 --> 00:34:05,334
making three dollars an hour,
no health insurance,
625
00:34:05,418 --> 00:34:08,838
risking his life to get you started
with some jalapeño poppers. Yeah!
626
00:34:13,926 --> 00:34:16,429
Nobody thought
about that, right?
627
00:34:16,512 --> 00:34:18,552
Because we got to be outside,
we have avocado toast,
628
00:34:18,598 --> 00:34:20,892
we're busy trying to cancel
each other with our thumbs.
629
00:34:20,975 --> 00:34:22,977
That was a big...
That's a national pastime.
630
00:34:23,061 --> 00:34:25,313
Canceling each other
in the name of wokeness.
631
00:34:26,314 --> 00:34:28,399
Are we too woke?
632
00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:31,547
Look at all the white people
looking around like, "Is it okay?"
633
00:34:33,112 --> 00:34:35,031
I'm watching your little heads.
"Is it okay?"
634
00:34:35,114 --> 00:34:36,991
"Just whatever you want.
I'm terrified."
635
00:34:37,784 --> 00:34:38,910
Are we?
636
00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:40,244
I think it's fair to say
637
00:34:40,328 --> 00:34:42,997
that we have been in a woke-off
these last few years,
638
00:34:43,081 --> 00:34:45,833
just trying to outperform each other,
whoever's wokest.
639
00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:49,378
That is my greatest fear
as a white liberal woman...
640
00:34:49,462 --> 00:34:51,222
obviously, I'm liberal...
I'm in all leather.
641
00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:53,591
I mean...
And I do stand-up.
642
00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:55,718
Of course I voted for Joe Biden.
I had no choice.
643
00:34:57,053 --> 00:34:58,346
That is my greatest fear.
644
00:34:58,429 --> 00:34:59,847
You can clap.
It's a comedy show.
645
00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:02,975
All the white people, I felt your
buttholes just going, "Oh my God!"
646
00:35:03,684 --> 00:35:04,852
"Please!"
647
00:35:04,936 --> 00:35:08,147
That is my greatest fear
as a white liberal woman,
648
00:35:08,231 --> 00:35:12,235
is that I will be out-woked
by another white liberal woman.
649
00:35:13,277 --> 00:35:14,403
That is all of our fears.
650
00:35:14,487 --> 00:35:15,967
We've talked about it
at the meetings.
651
00:35:16,072 --> 00:35:17,615
That is all of our fears.
652
00:35:17,740 --> 00:35:20,827
That is my greatest fear, is that
I'm going to be standing around,
653
00:35:20,910 --> 00:35:22,578
talking to my Black friends.
654
00:35:23,162 --> 00:35:25,373
I'm sorry, my Black friend.
And...
655
00:35:32,171 --> 00:35:35,466
another white liberal woman
is going to come up.
656
00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:38,219
Another white liberal woman
with my same face,
657
00:35:38,302 --> 00:35:41,305
and my same bullshit fine arts degree
from back east.
658
00:35:42,390 --> 00:35:44,851
Her name is like Rachel,
or like Aubrey,
659
00:35:44,976 --> 00:35:47,395
is going to come up
and just rock me
660
00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:50,273
on some like civil rights trivia,
661
00:35:50,356 --> 00:35:51,774
that I should've known.
662
00:35:51,858 --> 00:35:53,901
And then I'm going to have to pivot,
663
00:35:53,985 --> 00:35:55,212
and I'm going to have to be like,
664
00:35:55,236 --> 00:35:57,089
"Yeah, I didn't know who
Ta-Nehisi Coates was, but...
665
00:35:57,113 --> 00:35:58,781
I saw Judas and the Black Messiah."
666
00:35:58,865 --> 00:36:01,617
And then she'll be like, "I saw
it too. I went to the premiere."
667
00:36:01,701 --> 00:36:03,804
I'll be like, "You lying bitch,
there was no premiere!
668
00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:07,081
It was a digital release!" and then,
to bury her in my wokeness,
669
00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:08,433
I will pivot harder and I'll be like,
670
00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:10,769
"You know, it's not just African-
Americans who feel marginalized.
671
00:36:10,793 --> 00:36:12,437
It's also Latino,
which is different than Chicano
672
00:36:12,461 --> 00:36:14,189
which is different than Hispanic,
which is different than Latinx,
673
00:36:14,213 --> 00:36:15,798
a term that only white people use.
674
00:36:15,882 --> 00:36:17,842
I am the woke one!
675
00:36:17,925 --> 00:36:19,552
The wokest!
676
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,973
That's the validation we want,
going into 2023.
677
00:36:24,056 --> 00:36:25,976
That's what every white person wants
deep down...
678
00:36:26,058 --> 00:36:29,645
they won't tell you... is for a Black
person to come up to them... slowly...
679
00:36:34,233 --> 00:36:37,820
and to simply say, "You're alright."
That's all you want!
680
00:36:38,487 --> 00:36:39,822
That's all we want.
681
00:36:40,364 --> 00:36:42,450
And they've got to be Black,
I'm sorry.
682
00:36:42,909 --> 00:36:44,368
The darker the better.
I know.
683
00:36:44,452 --> 00:36:46,621
We can't say dark,
because then, "Cancel her!"
684
00:36:46,704 --> 00:36:48,289
They've got to be Black.
685
00:36:48,372 --> 00:36:50,583
Do not come up to me and be like,
"I'm Filipino-Dutch."
686
00:36:50,666 --> 00:36:52,668
Get out of here.
We need Black.
687
00:36:52,752 --> 00:36:55,338
I need a 200-year-old Black woman
to come up to me,
688
00:36:55,421 --> 00:36:57,381
who's like been through some shit.
689
00:36:57,465 --> 00:37:00,676
Like, [quavering voice] ''Excuse me,
are you the woke one?"
690
00:37:06,098 --> 00:37:08,517
On the polar opposite end
of the woke spectrum,
691
00:37:08,601 --> 00:37:11,646
this next piece is entitled
"In Defense of the Karen."
692
00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:14,023
[audience] Ohhh.
693
00:37:14,106 --> 00:37:16,275
Don't "oh" me.
I'm not afraid of you.
694
00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:20,905
So, couple months ago,
I got a haircut.
695
00:37:20,988 --> 00:37:23,741
And like any sane person,
I posted the picture online
696
00:37:23,824 --> 00:37:26,144
so that strangers would validate
that it was a good choice.
697
00:37:26,827 --> 00:37:28,079
And I got this haircut
698
00:37:28,162 --> 00:37:29,264
and the first thing
I noticed,
699
00:37:29,288 --> 00:37:31,582
a lot of women were like,
"Right on, sister bear."
700
00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:33,834
"It looks amazing. So sassy."
701
00:37:34,377 --> 00:37:36,605
And I was like "Alright, I don't
really think of myself as sassy.
702
00:37:36,629 --> 00:37:38,989
Why do women keep calling
this sassy?" And I looked into it.
703
00:37:39,131 --> 00:37:41,884
Long hair is seen as very sexual.
704
00:37:41,968 --> 00:37:45,596
Men prefer long hair. It's seen
as a sign of fertility, very sensual.
705
00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:49,558
Short hair is seen as thumbing
your nose at the patriarchy.
706
00:37:49,642 --> 00:37:51,560
That's what short hair is.
707
00:37:51,644 --> 00:37:53,163
So, I'm just going
to stand here and say
708
00:37:53,187 --> 00:37:55,147
this has nothing to do
with feminism.
709
00:37:55,231 --> 00:37:58,150
I cut my hair because if it grows
too long, it gets scraggly,
710
00:37:58,234 --> 00:37:59,694
I look like Tom Petty.
So.
711
00:38:01,237 --> 00:38:04,031
But then I noticed a couple
of other comments from guys.
712
00:38:04,115 --> 00:38:05,915
They'd be like,
"Hair looks good, but careful!
713
00:38:05,992 --> 00:38:07,232
You don't want to go too short.
714
00:38:08,327 --> 00:38:10,121
You don't want to be a Karen."
715
00:38:11,205 --> 00:38:14,083
And I was like, "Oh, so your haircut
is what makes you racist. Got it.
716
00:38:14,166 --> 00:38:16,711
Okay." But I started thinking
about it, and I was like,
717
00:38:16,794 --> 00:38:18,713
"Okay, well,
what's a Karen?"
718
00:38:18,796 --> 00:38:20,315
What's a Karen?
Anyone can yell it out.
719
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:21,483
[woman] They ask for the manager.
720
00:38:21,507 --> 00:38:22,985
- It's what?
- [woman] They ask for the manager.
721
00:38:23,009 --> 00:38:24,802
They ask for the manager. Okay.
722
00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:26,470
- Who's they?
- [audience] Karens.
723
00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:27,888
What do they look like?
724
00:38:27,972 --> 00:38:29,265
[woman] Kind of business...
725
00:38:29,348 --> 00:38:31,267
Why is a white person afraid to say?
726
00:38:31,350 --> 00:38:33,144
"Kind of a businessy..."
727
00:38:34,186 --> 00:38:35,521
They're white, and that's okay.
728
00:38:35,604 --> 00:38:37,440
So it's traditionally
a white woman, right?
729
00:38:37,523 --> 00:38:40,127
Now this is a description that
represents a subsect of women, right?
730
00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:44,739
A Karen, historically, is a woman
who is racist, aggressive,
731
00:38:44,822 --> 00:38:48,034
and perhaps most offensive of all,
often has chunk highlighting.
732
00:38:48,117 --> 00:38:49,160
So.
733
00:38:52,747 --> 00:38:55,583
But the term "Karen"
sort of became ubiquitous,
734
00:38:55,666 --> 00:38:57,418
and we started using it
as a way to describe
735
00:38:57,501 --> 00:38:59,337
any woman who
might be a little too loud.
736
00:38:59,420 --> 00:39:01,339
Now by the way,
if you are a Karen,
737
00:39:01,422 --> 00:39:03,632
if you are the kind of woman
who would, say,
738
00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:07,053
put your hands on
a Wendy's day shift manager
739
00:39:07,636 --> 00:39:12,183
for not filling up your pork-hoof
IV drip to the tippy top,
740
00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:15,227
then fuck you.
But...
741
00:39:15,311 --> 00:39:17,688
I noticed that the term
was so ubiquitous,
742
00:39:17,772 --> 00:39:19,333
that we just started
throwing Karen around.
743
00:39:19,357 --> 00:39:22,943
And then women, white liberal women,
started calling other women Karen.
744
00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:25,071
And what you didn't realize
you were doing, girls,
745
00:39:25,154 --> 00:39:27,198
when you call another woman
a Karen,
746
00:39:27,281 --> 00:39:28,550
you didn't realize
you were picking up
747
00:39:28,574 --> 00:39:30,326
the pre-sharpened tools
of the patriarchy
748
00:39:30,409 --> 00:39:32,036
you so readily claim
to rail against
749
00:39:32,119 --> 00:39:34,663
on your Instagram pages
and with your RBG tote bags,
750
00:39:34,747 --> 00:39:36,665
and Slay All Day rosé wine kits,
751
00:39:36,749 --> 00:39:39,460
and you are killing
another woman, period.
752
00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:41,045
Indention.
New paragraph.
753
00:39:41,128 --> 00:39:42,171
I just had a baby.
754
00:39:42,254 --> 00:39:45,549
And now that I'm a mother,
I think about children a lot more.
755
00:39:46,008 --> 00:39:47,343
That sounded weird.
756
00:39:49,303 --> 00:39:51,073
I walked outside with my baby
to get the mail,
757
00:39:51,097 --> 00:39:52,741
and there were some
children playing in the street.
758
00:39:52,765 --> 00:39:54,809
And I don't know how old they were,
759
00:39:54,892 --> 00:39:57,645
like four or ten.
I don't know.
760
00:39:58,854 --> 00:40:00,374
But I realized
that there was no adult,
761
00:40:00,439 --> 00:40:01,833
which means
that I'm the de facto adult,
762
00:40:01,857 --> 00:40:04,419
and I'm like, okay, I guess I'll
stand here to make sure they're okay.
763
00:40:04,443 --> 00:40:07,113
And as I stood there,
a car drove by really fast
764
00:40:07,196 --> 00:40:08,239
and scared the little kids
765
00:40:08,322 --> 00:40:09,842
who were playing
in their neighborhood,
766
00:40:09,907 --> 00:40:13,452
and I reflexively yelled out,
"Hey! Slow down!"
767
00:40:13,536 --> 00:40:16,747
The guy in the... of course...
Tercel, yells back at me,
768
00:40:16,831 --> 00:40:18,958
"Fuckin' Karen!"
769
00:40:22,169 --> 00:40:23,921
And that is when I realized
in that moment
770
00:40:24,004 --> 00:40:25,381
that whatever Karen once was
771
00:40:25,464 --> 00:40:27,007
has devolved
into something different,
772
00:40:27,091 --> 00:40:28,300
and if that's what a Karen is,
773
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:30,112
someone who's
a little too loud for your comfort,
774
00:40:30,136 --> 00:40:31,178
I will be a Karen,
775
00:40:31,262 --> 00:40:33,323
because here's what society has
to fucking get through their heads.
776
00:40:33,347 --> 00:40:36,183
When you claw a living
out of nothingness,
777
00:40:36,267 --> 00:40:38,060
when you make a career
in show business
778
00:40:38,144 --> 00:40:39,204
and nothing was given to you,
779
00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:41,832
and you take your hard-earned money
and you go to render legal tender
780
00:40:41,856 --> 00:40:42,982
at a point of sale
781
00:40:43,065 --> 00:40:44,626
and what you gave me
was not what was agreed upon
782
00:40:44,650 --> 00:40:46,694
when I made this purchase,
and I want a refund,
783
00:40:46,777 --> 00:40:48,839
or I want to speak to someone
who can rectify the situation,
784
00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:51,449
you are goddamned right I'm going
to want to speak to a manager.
785
00:40:52,491 --> 00:40:53,951
Yeah.
Yeah.
786
00:40:55,369 --> 00:40:57,246
And this is a cool haircut!
787
00:40:57,329 --> 00:40:59,373
You guys, have a great night!
Thank you so much!
788
00:40:59,457 --> 00:41:02,626
[cheering and applause]
789
00:41:03,586 --> 00:41:06,630
[Jane] Iliza Shlesinger, folks!
Wasn't she great?
790
00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:09,008
[cheering and applause]
791
00:41:12,178 --> 00:41:15,222
I'm very excited
to introduce our next comic.
792
00:41:15,639 --> 00:41:20,311
Hot from her huge success
on Tiffany Haddish's They Ready,
793
00:41:20,603 --> 00:41:22,897
please welcome Tracey Ashley!
794
00:41:23,230 --> 00:41:26,442
[cheering and applause]
795
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,657
Thank you!
796
00:41:34,074 --> 00:41:36,202
Jane and Lily.
Thank you for having me,
797
00:41:36,285 --> 00:41:38,787
I love you both.
Jane and Lily, one more time.
798
00:41:39,205 --> 00:41:42,541
[cheering and applause]
799
00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:46,212
[Tracey laughs]
800
00:41:46,962 --> 00:41:48,506
I love you, Jane!
801
00:41:50,257 --> 00:41:52,676
[audience laughs]
802
00:41:55,596 --> 00:41:57,699
Well, I'm going to get with Jane
tonight, y'all don't even know.
803
00:41:57,723 --> 00:41:59,016
I'm going to get with Jane.
804
00:42:02,394 --> 00:42:05,123
Let me tell you, I've been dying to
get out of my house and get on stage.
805
00:42:05,147 --> 00:42:08,859
All I been doing these last two
years, y'all, is sitting on my ass,
806
00:42:08,943 --> 00:42:12,154
binge-watching TV,
and eating!
807
00:42:14,323 --> 00:42:18,285
I read online, this woman said
she gained 70 pounds
808
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:20,996
in these last two years
working from home.
809
00:42:21,455 --> 00:42:26,252
And now her job wants her
to come back to work in person!
810
00:42:29,964 --> 00:42:32,216
She said she's scared
to go back to work
811
00:42:32,299 --> 00:42:34,510
because there's more
of her person, y'all.
812
00:42:38,222 --> 00:42:39,265
I feel her.
813
00:42:39,348 --> 00:42:41,976
You know, she was fed up by the last
time somebody commented,
814
00:42:42,059 --> 00:42:44,562
"Oh, you look different!"
"Get off me!"
815
00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:48,065
"I cut my hair."
816
00:42:52,945 --> 00:42:55,155
I just want to be thin enough
this summer
817
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:57,616
to get into
a pair of capri pants.
818
00:42:58,742 --> 00:43:02,204
Some people want to get into
a bikini, I want to get into capris.
819
00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:05,124
Because I want to frolic.
820
00:43:07,001 --> 00:43:09,962
That's what skinny girls do
when they wear capri pants.
821
00:43:10,045 --> 00:43:12,673
You've seen them outside frolicking,
'cause that's when they eat.
822
00:43:12,756 --> 00:43:14,425
They eat the air,
they're like "argh."
823
00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:17,761
"Argh."
824
00:43:19,263 --> 00:43:21,432
"Oh my God, I am so full.
825
00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:25,144
I have had too much oxygen!"
826
00:43:26,687 --> 00:43:28,689
When you a little big bigger,
you don't frolic.
827
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:31,483
You say shit like,
"I'll meet you over there."
828
00:43:33,944 --> 00:43:35,654
"Save me a seat."
829
00:43:38,616 --> 00:43:41,827
And listen, I got the skinny legs
to do the kick-off right here,
830
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:44,079
but I can't get the lift-off, right?
831
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:46,874
because I got this FUPA
right up under here.
832
00:43:47,458 --> 00:43:50,252
It lowers my center of gravity,
I can't get, take the...
833
00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:57,676
Just watching so much television,
834
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,219
oh, and it's crazy because
835
00:43:59,303 --> 00:44:01,847
there's so much out there
for us to watch!
836
00:44:02,306 --> 00:44:05,559
I find myself watching shit
I've seen a million times.
837
00:44:05,851 --> 00:44:09,396
I was watching this crime show I love
called I Survived.
838
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:12,024
Oh, this show is crazy, y'all.
839
00:44:12,107 --> 00:44:13,901
It's about where
these people tell stories
840
00:44:13,984 --> 00:44:16,570
about how they survived
these gruesome attacks
841
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:19,114
they should not have survived.
842
00:44:19,198 --> 00:44:20,699
They're sitting there talkin'.
843
00:44:20,783 --> 00:44:23,702
This one woman,
she was stabbed a million times.
844
00:44:23,786 --> 00:44:26,205
She was put into a barrel, y'all.
845
00:44:26,288 --> 00:44:29,625
They put the top on the barrel,
kicked it down the hill.
846
00:44:29,708 --> 00:44:33,545
It rolled into a snowbank.
It was negative degrees.
847
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:37,341
She was out there for three days,
and she survived!
848
00:44:41,762 --> 00:44:44,306
I don't want to be on that damn show.
849
00:44:46,016 --> 00:44:48,686
I don't want to be on that show,
because some clumsy-ass killer
850
00:44:48,769 --> 00:44:53,273
stabbed me 17 times
and he missed every vital organ.
851
00:44:54,441 --> 00:44:57,152
I would get mad,
"Give me the damn knife!
852
00:44:58,821 --> 00:45:00,531
You don't know how to kill nobody."
853
00:45:02,866 --> 00:45:04,159
I don't want to be on that show
854
00:45:04,243 --> 00:45:06,703
because some guy tried to strangle me
for several hours
855
00:45:06,787 --> 00:45:11,083
but he couldn't get the job done,
because he had small clammy hands.
856
00:45:12,751 --> 00:45:16,171
I'm on the show:
"He tried to choke me for five hours,
857
00:45:17,589 --> 00:45:20,551
but his hands were soft
like baby powder.
858
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:23,303
I kept slipping out. Ugh.
859
00:45:25,556 --> 00:45:27,516
I even said, 'Let me choke you!'
860
00:45:29,601 --> 00:45:31,145
I survived."
861
00:45:35,482 --> 00:45:37,818
I wrote that last part
of the joke when I was high.
862
00:45:39,361 --> 00:45:40,361
Yeah.
863
00:45:40,779 --> 00:45:42,948
I live in Indiana,
so whenever I come to California,
864
00:45:43,031 --> 00:45:44,324
I get a chance to try the herb,
865
00:45:44,408 --> 00:45:47,453
and it always takes me back
to that first time I ever tried.
866
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:49,329
I never smoked pot when I was young.
867
00:45:49,413 --> 00:45:51,999
Waited until I was a full-grown
responsible adult to do it.
868
00:45:52,458 --> 00:45:54,334
Went to a party with some comics.
869
00:45:54,418 --> 00:45:55,645
And I don't drink alcohol, y'all,
870
00:45:55,669 --> 00:45:59,465
because I have developed an allergy
to alcohol.
871
00:46:00,340 --> 00:46:02,460
So I'm standing there,
drinking a Sprite or something,
872
00:46:02,509 --> 00:46:03,653
I don't know
what I was drinking.
873
00:46:03,677 --> 00:46:05,238
And this guy comes up,
"Tracey, you're not drinking?"
874
00:46:05,262 --> 00:46:06,180
I said no.
875
00:46:06,263 --> 00:46:07,615
"What, are you trying to be sober?"
876
00:46:07,639 --> 00:46:10,434
I said "No, when I drink alcohol,
my stomach burns."
877
00:46:10,517 --> 00:46:12,978
He's like, "Tracey,
our stomach burns, too.
878
00:46:14,855 --> 00:46:16,690
But we're like fuck it,
keep on drinking."
879
00:46:17,399 --> 00:46:19,669
I said "I can't do that,"
so then they started smoking weed.
880
00:46:19,693 --> 00:46:21,796
I'd never smoked it before.
They thought that was funny.
881
00:46:21,820 --> 00:46:23,840
So, I'm sitting there,
going to have this experience.
882
00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,449
I take my first puff, hit,
883
00:46:25,532 --> 00:46:27,534
I'm waiting for something miraculous
to happen.
884
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:28,619
Nothing happens.
885
00:46:28,702 --> 00:46:29,620
I said, "This is boring."
886
00:46:29,703 --> 00:46:31,705
They're like "Relax,
it's your first time."
887
00:46:31,788 --> 00:46:34,249
No one's paying attention
to me. I've never done this.
888
00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:36,293
I take another hit,
after another hit,
889
00:46:36,376 --> 00:46:38,295
after another hit,
after another hit,
890
00:46:38,378 --> 00:46:39,505
after another hit.
891
00:46:39,588 --> 00:46:41,149
All of a sudden,
I'm slumped in the couch.
892
00:46:41,173 --> 00:46:43,592
"Hey!
This marijuana ain't working.
893
00:46:43,675 --> 00:46:46,070
You know, I'm a full time comic now,
I have different worries.
894
00:46:46,094 --> 00:46:47,513
Maybe that's why it ain't working.
895
00:46:47,596 --> 00:46:49,014
I don't have health insurance.
896
00:46:49,097 --> 00:46:51,767
I used to have a day job
and I had health insurance,
897
00:46:51,850 --> 00:46:54,186
and I would go to the doctor
and I would pay a co-pay.
898
00:46:54,269 --> 00:46:57,439
Sometimes it was five dollars,
maybe it was 20 dollars
899
00:46:57,523 --> 00:46:59,983
depending on what
I went to the doctor for.
900
00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:02,348
I went to the dentist's office
and he didn't have a co-pay
901
00:47:02,402 --> 00:47:03,820
because that office was different.
902
00:47:03,904 --> 00:47:06,865
You know in Canada,
they have free health insurance."
903
00:47:06,949 --> 00:47:10,244
My brain is saying, "Shut the fuck
up" but I can't do that right now.
904
00:47:10,536 --> 00:47:12,913
Thank you all so much!
I'm Tracey Ashley.
905
00:47:12,996 --> 00:47:16,250
[cheering and applause]
906
00:47:17,084 --> 00:47:20,921
[Lily] One more time
for Tracey Ashley!
907
00:47:23,131 --> 00:47:24,132
Wow.
908
00:47:24,216 --> 00:47:26,134
[Jane] And one more question
from the audience.
909
00:47:26,218 --> 00:47:27,928
- Jane Fonda.
- What?
910
00:47:28,011 --> 00:47:32,474
"Jane Fonda, what is your exercise
routine named?"
911
00:47:33,809 --> 00:47:36,103
- You got to be kidding.
- Hello.
912
00:47:36,687 --> 00:47:39,231
It's called the Jane Fonda Workout.
913
00:47:42,818 --> 00:47:45,404
Be nice, be nice, okay?
914
00:47:45,487 --> 00:47:49,491
There were only 22 tapes
and 17 million copies sold...
915
00:47:52,869 --> 00:47:53,954
Our next guest
916
00:47:54,037 --> 00:47:56,748
is a wonderful
comedian, actor, and author.
917
00:47:57,416 --> 00:47:59,001
Reveal yourself!
918
00:47:59,084 --> 00:48:03,297
Please give a lot of noise
for Anjelah Johnson Reyes!
919
00:48:03,755 --> 00:48:07,676
[cheering and applause]
920
00:48:13,390 --> 00:48:16,351
Jane and Lily, thank you so much
for paving the way
921
00:48:16,435 --> 00:48:18,061
for girls like me
to be funny.
922
00:48:18,145 --> 00:48:19,479
Thank you!
923
00:48:19,980 --> 00:48:21,440
Yes!
924
00:48:21,857 --> 00:48:23,400
This is so fun!
925
00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:27,279
I get to be here, doing stand-up
with my homegirls.
926
00:48:27,362 --> 00:48:32,743
I've been doing stand-up since
I was 24 years old... I am now 40!
927
00:48:32,826 --> 00:48:35,412
[cheering]
928
00:48:36,830 --> 00:48:38,624
Thank you for cheering for that part.
929
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:43,128
I'm entering that next phase
of my life, I'll be honest,
930
00:48:43,211 --> 00:48:44,796
I'm having a hard time with it.
931
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:48,592
I thought I was going to be that girl
that no matter what age I was,
932
00:48:48,675 --> 00:48:50,010
I was just going to embrace it.
933
00:48:50,093 --> 00:48:53,555
Like, "That's me!
Yes, queen, yes."
934
00:48:53,930 --> 00:48:56,350
Turns out that's something you say
in your 20s.
935
00:48:57,851 --> 00:49:01,688
Then you get to your 40s and you're
like, "Woo, no queen, what happened?
936
00:49:03,523 --> 00:49:05,817
Oh no, that's too much eyelid!"
937
00:49:07,361 --> 00:49:09,237
It's scary getting older.
938
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:13,450
It's scary for women getting older,
because men, if you get gray hair,
939
00:49:13,533 --> 00:49:14,910
that's sexy.
940
00:49:15,661 --> 00:49:18,747
That's salt and pepper.
Hey!
941
00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:22,584
Women, we get gray hair
and it's like, "Oh...
942
00:49:23,418 --> 00:49:24,961
what happened?"
943
00:49:26,463 --> 00:49:29,174
Got to start changing some things
about my life.
944
00:49:29,257 --> 00:49:31,635
I can't keep shopping at
the same stores I used to shop at.
945
00:49:31,968 --> 00:49:33,762
Like Forever 21?
946
00:49:34,221 --> 00:49:35,722
No, you're not.
947
00:49:37,182 --> 00:49:39,685
Turns out, that was a lie.
948
00:49:40,769 --> 00:49:43,980
I cannot be in line
behind some 21-year-old,
949
00:49:44,064 --> 00:49:46,149
buying the same dress
as her.
950
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:47,901
She's out here living her best life,
951
00:49:47,984 --> 00:49:49,664
I'm trying to remember
to take my vitamins.
952
00:49:51,697 --> 00:49:54,408
We like the same dress,
but for different reasons.
953
00:49:54,950 --> 00:49:57,536
She's like, "Ooh,
it has pockets for my ID!"
954
00:49:57,619 --> 00:50:00,205
I'm like, "Ooh,
pockets for my Tums!"
955
00:50:01,707 --> 00:50:03,208
[whispering] Yeah.
956
00:50:04,626 --> 00:50:05,961
I'm approaching the age
957
00:50:06,044 --> 00:50:07,605
where I'm going
to start getting my clothes
958
00:50:07,629 --> 00:50:09,381
the same place I get my groceries.
959
00:50:11,717 --> 00:50:12,884
Say I won't.
960
00:50:14,094 --> 00:50:16,930
You will catch me at Costco.
961
00:50:18,140 --> 00:50:19,140
Yes.
962
00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:21,893
About to get them Kirkland jeans...
963
00:50:23,478 --> 00:50:24,896
them Kirkland socks...
964
00:50:25,605 --> 00:50:27,524
that Kirkland body wash...
965
00:50:28,108 --> 00:50:30,819
Eh, this Kirkland gang gang, what?
966
00:50:32,529 --> 00:50:34,322
That's about to be my new Tuesday.
967
00:50:35,407 --> 00:50:39,369
Going to start out front, get me
a hot dog and a soda for $1.50!
968
00:50:40,912 --> 00:50:42,748
Say I won't.
969
00:50:42,831 --> 00:50:45,751
Then I'll flash my VIP card
and mosey on in.
970
00:50:46,918 --> 00:50:48,879
I'll start with a lap of samples.
971
00:50:49,921 --> 00:50:52,841
Then I'll put my hair in a ponytail,
make a lap in the other direction.
972
00:50:54,509 --> 00:50:56,303
Round two!
973
00:50:58,138 --> 00:51:01,516
Hey, but if you come in for a second
sample, though, be warned.
974
00:51:01,892 --> 00:51:04,352
These sample ladies get offended.
975
00:51:04,936 --> 00:51:08,148
They act a type of way if you come in
for a second sample.
976
00:51:08,231 --> 00:51:11,151
Like they have been baking
from scratch all day long.
977
00:51:12,903 --> 00:51:14,529
Like, "Really, Beth?
978
00:51:16,114 --> 00:51:18,658
Just give me another chicken tender.
Why you got to do this?"
979
00:51:20,076 --> 00:51:22,996
Like, It's embarrassing enough
just asking for a sample.
980
00:51:24,039 --> 00:51:26,792
Because you got to pretend you
never heard of this product before!
981
00:51:32,047 --> 00:51:34,132
"You said it's a tender?"
982
00:51:38,637 --> 00:51:40,263
"You dip it?"
983
00:51:44,059 --> 00:51:45,352
"Okay, I'll try one."
984
00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:52,108
It's hard getting older.
985
00:51:52,192 --> 00:51:55,195
And there's too many acronyms
to keep up with to stay cool.
986
00:51:55,445 --> 00:51:59,491
Like somebody texted me the other day
and they were like, "TLDR,"
987
00:51:59,574 --> 00:52:01,034
and I was like, "What's that?"
988
00:52:01,117 --> 00:52:03,078
She said
"Too long, didn't read."
989
00:52:03,870 --> 00:52:05,038
I was like, "Oh.
990
00:52:05,121 --> 00:52:07,249
Well, too short, didn't understand."
991
00:52:09,709 --> 00:52:12,921
I know BRB and LOL, that's it.
I stay right there.
992
00:52:14,422 --> 00:52:18,593
And I have come to realize that I am
far too generous with my LOLs!
993
00:52:20,011 --> 00:52:22,472
LOL has become a common courtesy.
994
00:52:23,306 --> 00:52:25,141
It's just a thing you say.
995
00:52:25,475 --> 00:52:26,685
Like another common courtesy.
996
00:52:27,102 --> 00:52:30,021
If somebody's by you and they sneeze,
what do you do?
997
00:52:30,105 --> 00:52:33,733
You move six feet, and then,
what do you say?
998
00:52:34,150 --> 00:52:35,318
Bless you.
999
00:52:35,569 --> 00:52:38,029
Are you really blessing them
from God?
1000
00:52:40,115 --> 00:52:41,867
No, you're not!
1001
00:52:41,950 --> 00:52:43,702
It's just a thing you say.
1002
00:52:43,785 --> 00:52:46,830
If your friend texts you and they're
trying to be funny, what do you say?
1003
00:52:47,205 --> 00:52:48,623
LOL.
1004
00:52:49,124 --> 00:52:51,084
Did you really laugh out loud?
1005
00:52:52,335 --> 00:52:54,588
No, you didn't.
1006
00:52:54,671 --> 00:52:59,259
At this point, LOL just means
"I have received your text."
1007
00:53:03,555 --> 00:53:06,349
If I reply to your text with LOL,
1008
00:53:06,433 --> 00:53:09,853
at most, a little bit of air
came out my nostril.
1009
00:53:12,147 --> 00:53:16,067
If I reply to your text with LOL,
this is how I read your text.
1010
00:53:17,152 --> 00:53:18,278
[exhales air]
1011
00:53:20,488 --> 00:53:22,532
Like, it was funny,
1012
00:53:23,074 --> 00:53:26,077
but I don't know
how to type back. [exhales air]
1013
00:53:29,164 --> 00:53:33,376
But if I reply to your text
with "hahahahaha," that's funny.
1014
00:53:35,420 --> 00:53:38,965
If I reply to your text
with "bwahahahahaha,"
1015
00:53:39,716 --> 00:53:42,218
like "B-W-A-H-A-H-A"
1016
00:53:42,302 --> 00:53:45,055
that means it was so funny I had
to spit something out of my mouth.
1017
00:53:46,389 --> 00:53:50,018
But if I reply to your text
with rows of "hahahahaha,"
1018
00:53:50,101 --> 00:53:53,772
I start using other letters
like "hijklmno-haha-pqrst,"
1019
00:53:53,855 --> 00:53:55,690
that means that
I said something funny
1020
00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:57,275
and I'm really proud of myself.
1021
00:53:58,109 --> 00:54:00,713
I'm Anjelah Johnson Reyes, thank you
guys so much, have a good night.
1022
00:54:00,737 --> 00:54:04,240
[cheering and applause]
1023
00:54:06,660 --> 00:54:10,914
Oh wow, this next stand-up comedian
is a real force.
1024
00:54:10,997 --> 00:54:12,749
But before we bring her up,
1025
00:54:12,999 --> 00:54:16,920
there's an audience question
burning a hole in my pocket.
1026
00:54:17,837 --> 00:54:22,968
"Who has been arrested more:
Jane or Lily?"
1027
00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:26,179
[audience clamoring]
1028
00:54:28,890 --> 00:54:33,478
- That would be me.
- Well, five or six times, that's it.
1029
00:54:34,270 --> 00:54:36,940
I look good in orange.
What do you want me to say?
1030
00:54:37,357 --> 00:54:38,650
We know, we know.
1031
00:54:40,151 --> 00:54:43,154
Now please welcome to the stage
1032
00:54:43,571 --> 00:54:46,825
an amazing advocate
for Asian-American women
1033
00:54:47,075 --> 00:54:49,035
and the queer community,
1034
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:52,956
and a fearless trail-blazer
in the world of stand-up:
1035
00:54:54,290 --> 00:54:55,750
Margaret Cho!
1036
00:54:55,834 --> 00:54:59,087
[cheering and applause]
1037
00:55:03,216 --> 00:55:05,510
Thank you. Thank you.
1038
00:55:05,802 --> 00:55:06,970
Thank you, Jane.
1039
00:55:07,470 --> 00:55:09,097
Thank you, Lily.
1040
00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:11,891
I love you.
1041
00:55:13,309 --> 00:55:14,436
Thank you.
1042
00:55:15,061 --> 00:55:16,980
I can't wait to get arrested with you
1043
00:55:17,063 --> 00:55:20,400
when we protest
the overturn of Roe v. Wade!
1044
00:55:20,483 --> 00:55:22,569
[cheers and applause]
1045
00:55:24,571 --> 00:55:26,114
Yes!
1046
00:55:27,073 --> 00:55:29,093
I'm so glad that we're all here
and we're all together.
1047
00:55:29,117 --> 00:55:30,368
This is incredible.
1048
00:55:30,452 --> 00:55:36,041
And it feels like some things
in the pandemic have gotten better,
1049
00:55:36,124 --> 00:55:38,126
but you know
what hasn't gotten better?
1050
00:55:38,209 --> 00:55:39,878
Violence against Asians.
1051
00:55:39,961 --> 00:55:42,464
This is really scary to me.
1052
00:55:42,547 --> 00:55:45,341
Being an Asian woman, I am scared.
1053
00:55:45,425 --> 00:55:48,344
I am scared to be set on fire!
1054
00:55:48,595 --> 00:55:52,015
Don't set me on fire!
I'm very flammable.
1055
00:55:52,682 --> 00:55:56,770
I'm dry, I have dry hair,
I have dry skin,
1056
00:55:56,853 --> 00:55:59,022
I have a dry pussy.
1057
00:55:59,689 --> 00:56:00,689
Ooh!
1058
00:56:00,732 --> 00:56:03,485
If you fuck me, it sounds like
you're making a balloon animal.
1059
00:56:06,071 --> 00:56:09,032
[high-pitched squeaking]
1060
00:56:16,998 --> 00:56:19,334
But I'm scared.
I'm scared for Asian people.
1061
00:56:19,417 --> 00:56:24,339
And I go out,
and I'm all Asian when I'm out.
1062
00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:29,761
And I have my mask on,
but that doesn't cover this area.
1063
00:56:30,887 --> 00:56:35,767
Which, this area just screams
"Wuhan wet market."
1064
00:56:38,311 --> 00:56:41,397
This area is 100% ninja.
1065
00:56:42,690 --> 00:56:46,486
This area eats every part
of the animal.
1066
00:56:49,405 --> 00:56:51,533
So, then I wear a visor.
1067
00:56:57,455 --> 00:57:00,250
So you really fucking know
that I'm Asian.
1068
00:57:04,087 --> 00:57:06,131
And I'm out and I'm just scared,
you know?
1069
00:57:06,214 --> 00:57:07,674
I have my phone out,
1070
00:57:07,757 --> 00:57:09,926
just in case there's a hate crime.
1071
00:57:10,385 --> 00:57:11,845
Got to get a video!
1072
00:57:12,762 --> 00:57:16,808
Because if you don't have a video,
you can't have a GoFundMe.
1073
00:57:19,144 --> 00:57:20,270
It's a real fear.
1074
00:57:20,353 --> 00:57:22,564
It's a real, real thing.
1075
00:57:22,647 --> 00:57:28,027
And I think it started to escalate
probably after the Atlanta shootings.
1076
00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:33,616
Last year in Atlanta, a man shot
and killed many Asian women.
1077
00:57:34,075 --> 00:57:37,829
And he said it was because
he was a sex addict,
1078
00:57:38,705 --> 00:57:43,209
so I'm thinking that he was trying
to kill sex workers?
1079
00:57:43,293 --> 00:57:46,379
Don't kill sex workers!
1080
00:57:46,463 --> 00:57:48,381
Sex workers are important.
1081
00:57:48,465 --> 00:57:50,091
We need sex workers.
1082
00:57:50,175 --> 00:57:51,885
[cheering and applause]
1083
00:57:52,969 --> 00:57:54,929
Sex workers are smart.
1084
00:57:55,013 --> 00:57:57,765
I should have charged.
You know? I...
1085
00:57:59,809 --> 00:58:04,564
I had a lot of sex that I really need
to be compensated for.
1086
00:58:07,817 --> 00:58:09,611
You know what I mean!
1087
00:58:09,694 --> 00:58:11,696
It's not rape...
1088
00:58:13,406 --> 00:58:17,577
but it's not
the best use of your time.
1089
00:58:20,413 --> 00:58:25,460
It's less consent, and more relent.
1090
00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:30,465
You know, you just go, "Alright."
1091
00:58:31,841 --> 00:58:34,552
And give him
the most unpopular hole.
1092
00:58:41,476 --> 00:58:45,396
If I had a dollar
for every time I relented,
1093
00:58:45,480 --> 00:58:49,108
I would be so rich.
I would be "Elon Fuck."
1094
00:58:51,444 --> 00:58:55,323
I would be buying Twitter
from a spaceship
1095
00:58:56,616 --> 00:58:59,744
with Grimes with a baby
named after an algebra equation.
1096
00:59:03,164 --> 00:59:08,127
But these women, I don't think
they were sex workers anyway.
1097
00:59:08,211 --> 00:59:11,172
I mean, sex work is
like hard, physical labor.
1098
00:59:11,256 --> 00:59:15,218
Have you ever tried
to bust a Viagra nut?
1099
00:59:21,474 --> 00:59:23,601
I think OSHA should be involved.
1100
00:59:28,147 --> 00:59:30,858
I was so worried
about all Asian people,
1101
00:59:30,942 --> 00:59:32,151
especially older Asian people.
1102
00:59:32,235 --> 00:59:33,945
So, my parents are 85.
1103
00:59:34,028 --> 00:59:37,073
I was worried about them, so I asked
them to come stay with me
1104
00:59:37,156 --> 00:59:38,491
at the beginning of the pandemic
1105
00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:42,287
because I thought it was only going
to last for a couple of weeks.
1106
00:59:44,455 --> 00:59:46,374
They're still at my house.
1107
00:59:47,083 --> 00:59:51,045
I will never get the smell
of Tiger Balm out of my nose.
1108
00:59:53,256 --> 00:59:54,591
My mom is so triggering.
1109
00:59:54,674 --> 00:59:58,928
She's watching TV,
she'll go "Ohhhh.
1110
00:59:59,012 --> 01:00:01,973
[heavy Korean accent]
Ohhhh, I was on the news.
1111
01:00:02,098 --> 01:00:04,642
Nobody go to zoo.
You know?
1112
01:00:04,726 --> 01:00:06,894
Nobody go to the zoo.
1113
01:00:06,978 --> 01:00:11,733
Everywhere, all the zoo
have no money.
1114
01:00:12,025 --> 01:00:15,903
So now, at all of the zoo,
1115
01:00:16,154 --> 01:00:17,739
all over,
1116
01:00:18,072 --> 01:00:22,994
they have to feed small animal
to large animal.
1117
01:00:25,413 --> 01:00:29,500
Oh, when I hear this,
that make me so hungry.
1118
01:00:30,585 --> 01:00:31,961
Ah!
1119
01:00:33,212 --> 01:00:36,799
My stomach was really growling
when I hear it.
1120
01:00:37,175 --> 01:00:39,927
I like to eat everything.
1121
01:00:40,011 --> 01:00:42,263
You cannot say that, don't say that,
1122
01:00:42,347 --> 01:00:47,518
because they say the Asian like
to eat everything,
1123
01:00:47,602 --> 01:00:51,439
you know, and that's why
we have coronavirus.
1124
01:00:51,522 --> 01:00:54,233
And that's true.
1125
01:00:54,692 --> 01:00:55,902
But...
1126
01:00:57,153 --> 01:00:58,529
we didn't know!
1127
01:00:58,613 --> 01:01:01,115
You cannot blame Asian people,
1128
01:01:01,199 --> 01:01:04,410
we just like to eat lots
of different thing,
1129
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:10,416
We didn't know that if we ate
something, everybody going to die.
1130
01:01:11,626 --> 01:01:13,544
We had no idea!
1131
01:01:13,628 --> 01:01:15,838
If we knew, we wouldn't do it.
1132
01:01:15,922 --> 01:01:18,341
We just needed snack,
you know, so...
1133
01:01:19,258 --> 01:01:24,472
We didn't know, but don't be
racist against the Asian people
1134
01:01:24,555 --> 01:01:26,849
because of coronavirus.
1135
01:01:26,933 --> 01:01:28,142
Because...
1136
01:01:29,018 --> 01:01:33,022
if you are racist
against Asian people
1137
01:01:33,106 --> 01:01:35,650
because of coronavirus,
1138
01:01:35,733 --> 01:01:37,902
you gonna catch coronavirus.
1139
01:01:39,487 --> 01:01:42,532
And then you gonna go to hospital,
1140
01:01:42,615 --> 01:01:44,951
and your doctor gonna be Asian."
1141
01:01:46,619 --> 01:01:48,496
Thank you so much, everybody.
1142
01:01:48,579 --> 01:01:51,040
[cheering and applause]
1143
01:01:58,131 --> 01:01:59,340
Jane.
1144
01:01:59,424 --> 01:02:02,009
What, Lily?
Yeah? What?
1145
01:02:02,093 --> 01:02:04,887
Is there anything you want to ask me?
1146
01:02:05,888 --> 01:02:07,557
Is there, ah...
1147
01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:08,766
Oh, yeah. Oh, okay.
1148
01:02:08,850 --> 01:02:11,144
What's your favorite quote?
1149
01:02:11,227 --> 01:02:14,021
"Ask not what your country
can do for you...''
1150
01:02:14,105 --> 01:02:15,606
You didn't let me finish!
1151
01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:19,318
I wanted to know
what your favorite quote of mine is.
1152
01:02:19,402 --> 01:02:20,403
Oh.
1153
01:02:20,486 --> 01:02:22,321
Well, I like the one where you say...
1154
01:02:23,197 --> 01:02:27,118
"It's better to be interested
than interesting."
1155
01:02:28,035 --> 01:02:31,831
Because I think
you are so interested.
1156
01:02:34,959 --> 01:02:36,002
Well, thanks.
1157
01:02:36,753 --> 01:02:39,922
- Oh look, it's a piano.
- Thanks.
1158
01:02:41,048 --> 01:02:43,134
It's a piano!
1159
01:02:43,551 --> 01:02:46,471
Please welcome
Broad City's Eliot Glazer
1160
01:02:46,554 --> 01:02:50,391
and star and creator of
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Rachel Bloom.
1161
01:02:50,475 --> 01:02:53,060
- [cheering and applause]
- [piano playing]
1162
01:03:01,486 --> 01:03:03,237
Oh, wow.
1163
01:03:03,321 --> 01:03:04,530
Wow.
1164
01:03:04,989 --> 01:03:06,324
Wow, what a night.
1165
01:03:06,783 --> 01:03:07,950
What a night it's been.
1166
01:03:08,034 --> 01:03:10,745
Yes, and what a stellar tribute
to women in comedy
1167
01:03:10,828 --> 01:03:13,664
and the amazing
Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda!
1168
01:03:13,748 --> 01:03:16,334
[cheering and applause]
1169
01:03:16,751 --> 01:03:17,835
[Eliot] Ugh!
1170
01:03:18,085 --> 01:03:22,757
How does one end
an epic night such as this?
1171
01:03:22,840 --> 01:03:25,718
Well, with a musical number,
of course.
1172
01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:29,096
[Eliot] Yup, that's right!
1173
01:03:29,180 --> 01:03:32,266
What better way to pay tribute
than in song?
1174
01:03:32,350 --> 01:03:35,937
Now, it was kind of hard
to clear publishing rights
1175
01:03:36,020 --> 01:03:37,688
for some of our top choices.
1176
01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:39,649
It's standard red-tape stuff.
1177
01:03:39,732 --> 01:03:40,858
Industry, industry.
1178
01:03:40,942 --> 01:03:44,320
But, I think we managed to put
together something pretty special.
1179
01:03:44,737 --> 01:03:48,115
Because, Lily and Jane,
you're worth it.
1180
01:03:48,449 --> 01:03:51,327
And, as the great Bette Midler
once said,
1181
01:03:51,410 --> 01:03:53,496
"You got to have friends."
1182
01:03:57,124 --> 01:03:58,543
But we couldn't clear that song.
1183
01:03:58,626 --> 01:04:00,044
No, we could not clear that song.
1184
01:04:00,837 --> 01:04:03,047
Don't play that song, Jerome.
We could not clear it.
1185
01:04:04,131 --> 01:04:06,568
However, we're not going to let that
stop us, will we, Rachel?
1186
01:04:06,592 --> 01:04:07,635
[Rachel] Uh, no!
1187
01:04:07,718 --> 01:04:10,596
No, because if there's one thing
we have learned tonight
1188
01:04:10,680 --> 01:04:13,683
from these amazing women,
it's "Who runs the world?
1189
01:04:14,016 --> 01:04:15,016
Girls!"
1190
01:04:17,687 --> 01:04:19,438
No, but stop though.
Don't play that.
1191
01:04:19,522 --> 01:04:20,999
[Eliot] Yeah,
we super could not clear that.
1192
01:04:21,023 --> 01:04:23,818
Stop. Like, Beyoncé's people
are very litigious.
1193
01:04:23,901 --> 01:04:26,571
Oh, no, I don't think
we can say "Beyoncé."
1194
01:04:26,654 --> 01:04:28,656
- You can't, but I can.
- Oh.
1195
01:04:28,739 --> 01:04:30,449
Okay. That's fair.
1196
01:04:32,076 --> 01:04:34,453
Still, friendship is forever,
1197
01:04:34,537 --> 01:04:39,083
and no one proves that
quite like Jane and Lily.
1198
01:04:39,166 --> 01:04:40,459
Yeah. And at the end of the day,
1199
01:04:41,794 --> 01:04:44,130
there's one thing
we all know for sure.
1200
01:04:44,422 --> 01:04:47,091
Music is a universal language.
1201
01:04:47,633 --> 01:04:52,013
And we also know for sure
that songs in the public domain
1202
01:04:52,096 --> 01:04:54,307
- don't have to be cleared.
- No.
1203
01:04:54,390 --> 01:04:55,600
That's right.
1204
01:04:55,683 --> 01:04:58,895
So this is for you, Lily and Jane.
1205
01:05:01,856 --> 01:05:07,153
♪ Should auld acquaintance
Be forgot ♪
1206
01:05:07,236 --> 01:05:12,867
♪ And never brought to mind? ♪
1207
01:05:13,159 --> 01:05:17,121
♪ Should auld acquaintance ♪
1208
01:05:17,204 --> 01:05:19,206
♪ Be forgot ♪
1209
01:05:19,749 --> 01:05:24,837
♪ And days of auld lang syne? ♪
1210
01:05:26,380 --> 01:05:28,841
♪ Oh Danny boy ♪
1211
01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:33,387
♪ The pipes,
the pipes are calling ♪
1212
01:05:33,471 --> 01:05:35,932
♪ From glen to glen ♪
1213
01:05:36,015 --> 01:05:40,978
♪ And down the mountainside ♪
1214
01:05:42,980 --> 01:05:47,652
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
1215
01:05:47,735 --> 01:05:50,071
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow... ♪
1216
01:05:50,154 --> 01:05:52,074
Oh my God, we could have
totally just said "she."
1217
01:05:52,114 --> 01:05:53,675
We should have said,
"She's a jolly good fellow.''
1218
01:05:53,699 --> 01:05:54,992
- Ah!
- It's just too late.
1219
01:05:55,576 --> 01:06:02,166
♪ Which nobody can deny! ♪
1220
01:06:02,249 --> 01:06:05,378
[cheering and applause]
1221
01:06:06,837 --> 01:06:10,424
["Ladies Night"
by Kool & the Gang playing]
1222
01:06:11,258 --> 01:06:12,927
That's our show, guys!
1223
01:06:13,010 --> 01:06:15,763
[cheering and applause]
1224
01:06:15,846 --> 01:06:18,891
♪♪
1225
01:06:21,310 --> 01:06:23,396
We wanted to get you all here.
1226
01:06:27,733 --> 01:06:29,735
[Jane] What an incredible night!
1227
01:06:30,152 --> 01:06:32,613
And our thanks to all the comedians.
1228
01:06:33,155 --> 01:06:34,991
Thank you for being here.
1229
01:06:35,074 --> 01:06:37,994
Thanks to all of you!
Thanks to all of you.
1230
01:06:39,537 --> 01:06:40,955
That's Lily Tomlin.
1231
01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:43,207
And that's Jane Fonda.
1232
01:06:43,290 --> 01:06:44,583
- Good night!
- Good night.
1233
01:06:45,084 --> 01:06:48,337
[cheering and applause continue]
1234
01:06:48,421 --> 01:06:51,173
♪♪
1235
01:06:53,634 --> 01:06:57,847
♪ Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
And the feeling's right ♪
1236
01:06:57,930 --> 01:07:01,100
♪ Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
Oh, what a night ♪
1237
01:07:01,183 --> 01:07:02,393
♪ Oh, what a night ♪
1238
01:07:02,476 --> 01:07:06,522
♪ Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
And the feeling's right ♪
1239
01:07:06,605 --> 01:07:09,734
♪ Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
Oh, what a night ♪
1240
01:07:10,776 --> 01:07:11,776
♪ Huh! ♪
1241
01:07:12,069 --> 01:07:15,072
♪ Girls, y'all got the one ♪
1242
01:07:16,407 --> 01:07:18,993
♪ A night
That's special everywhere ♪
1243
01:07:20,202 --> 01:07:23,914
♪ From New York to Hollywood ♪
1244
01:07:24,832 --> 01:07:26,167
♪ It's Ladies' Night ♪
1245
01:07:26,250 --> 01:07:28,461
♪ And, girl, the feeling's good ♪
1246
01:07:28,544 --> 01:07:30,129
♪ Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night ♪
1247
01:07:30,212 --> 01:07:32,298
♪ And the feeling's right ♪
1248
01:07:32,381 --> 01:07:34,550
♪ Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night ♪
1249
01:07:34,633 --> 01:07:37,136
♪ Oh, what a night
Oh, what a night ♪