(CAR ALARM)
This is where that lady died in the hot tub.
Hi! Anybody there?
I should be in a hospital!
I think, you need to calm down, Gabe.
Gabe!
Neville, you gotta help me man, you gotta help me.
You wanted to talk, Mr Stark.
Well, let's talk.
Fuck you, you freaks! I'm going straight to the cops!
Aaahhh!
Where is everyone?
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey no wait, wait!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Kid!
Where's the police station?
Listen, from our perspective, right,
you've had a bit of an episode.
Violently assaulted the housekeeper, eaten a bunch of toilet freshener.
Then driven off without due care or attention.
Does that summary resonate with you at all?
No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
She, the housekeeper,
shoved the toilet cleaner into my mouth,
while I was choking her off,
after they tried to murder me with soup!
They imprisoned me and poisoned me
after they found out that I was the legal owner
of the entire fucking estate.
Right.
Firstly I'm going to ask you not to swear.
Rude or offensive behaviour towards staff will not be tolerated.
Secondly, from our perspective,
Beaucroft family, Beaucroft Hall.
(TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
Liz Beaucroft, my wife, was left everything
by Bertie Beaucroft, her grandfather.
I had the will right here in my hand.
The law firm was er...
Oh, was er, Butterworth.
Butter. Butter something. Butter...butterstick.
Butter, butter, butterbeans!
Butter, butter, Buttertree!
Butter, butter... Butterfields.
Butterfield, yes! Graham Butterfield?
Yes, yes, yes.
Where is he? Can I speak to him?
Graham Butterfield will be in the pub rehearsing.
What? He's Hornbearing today.
What?
He is one of the Hornbearing Princes!
Right, fine.
Well, he'll be busy though. It starts in a few hours.
I don't give a shit!
(PHONE RINGS)
Hayfork Police, Happy Hornbearing.
Ah! Fuck, ah!
Graham Butterfield! Anybody, huh! Is there a Graham Butterfield here?
Can anybody tell me, huh? Graham Butterfield... Yeah!
Graham? Yeah.
He's out back, rehearsing. What, here?
Aye. Oh!
Graham! Which one of you is Graham!
It was a long time ago. My father would have handled it.
And you know that's their ancestral home.
They're not going to give it up without a fight.
Look, I just need the hard copy of the will.
No one's in the office. It's Hornbearing.
What is that? People keep saying that.
Oh, it's just a little celebration we have every year.
A word of warning.
You don't want to cross the Beaucrofts.
And running about here, shouting as you are,
you've got to try and blend in.
In the meantime, I'll see what I can do.
Clean yourself up.
Right.
Well, I...
have got to practise my foot hops.
Cheers.
D'you find him?
(SIGHS) Yeah, thanks. Welcome.
Liz?
You know, Elizabeth Beaucroft?
I'm her husband. Oh!
Elizabeth's an old, old friend. I'm Dan. Landlord here.
Gabe Stark. Where is she?
She here? No.
Well, any friend of Elizabeth's... Husband.
Well...
not anymore I guess.
Divorced?
(CHUCKLES) I've been there. Here.
On the house.
We're not divorced.
She, er...
she passed away.
She died? Oh, my god. Shit.
Elizabeth. Gorgeous girl.
I always thought we might reconnect.
(SIGHS)
R-I-P, to be honest. R-I-bloody-P.
I need a drink.
Down the hatch!
Don't be shy.
Cheers, Colin. Hmm.
Ah, are you sure this was her favourite?
I mean, she was never really a beer drinker, you know.
It's not beer. It's barley wine!
Bit of an acquired taste. Highly toxic to the uninitiated.
Makes a pussy hard and a dick wet we always say.
(LAUGHTER)
It's a great saying. I assume you've met the family?
They're nuts, right? Terrible people.
I'm not gonna disagree. She was so giving.
Always wanted to do something charitable with that big house.
But they didn't let her.
They'd prefer to let it sit there rotting,
accumulating debt.
What do you mean? Isn't it worth millions?
Well, yeah, if you spent millions doing it up.
Last time I was there was like twenty years ago
and it was falling apart then.
Everything from the tapestries,
the chandeliers to Elizabeth's bedframe.
It practically collapsed under my bodyweight.
(LAUGHS)
Alright, yeah.
Here, let me show you something.
Have a look at this.
That's us in India.
She never told me she went to India.
Well, she fucking loved India.
What are you guys at a concert or something?
That's a Healing ceremony, my man.
Lotta healing went on, on that trip let me tell ya.
You're not much of a spiritual guy, then?
I have a mindfulness app on my phone.
I pay extra so I don't get any ads. Yeah?
She always said she wanted to marry someone who made a difference.
Surprised we didn't tie the knot.
Well, no offence but, er, you're a bartender.
Yeah. What does a bartender do?
I dispense medicine for the soul. I'm a community healer!
(LAUGHTER)
Huh.
A hepatologist might disagree.
That's a doctor that specialises in livers.
(CHUCKLES)
I myself, am a surgeon.
Guess you could say I'm a healer too, right?
In a much more actual sense.
Well, we could debate back and forth all night, couldn't we?
Yeah, we could.
But we got Hornbearing to prepare for.
And Elizabeth loved Hornbearing, bearing that horn.
Can I use this to make a call real quick?
Be my guest.
Thank you. Keep it short.
Oh, of course.
(PHONE RINGS)
Yo, it's Neville.
Leave a message, and remember, closed mouths don't get fed.
Hi, Neville. It's Gabe.
So, things got a little worse.
Liz's family locked me up and was drugging me.
To make a long story short, I escaped to the nearby village
where some asshole who used to fuck Liz
just told me that the estate is actually in massive debt,
so not sure why she'd leave me some fucking hidden riddle leading me
to a will that says I'm the proud owner of jack shit.
Yeah, that's where I'm at. Er, good to check-in.
Please get here like yesterday. Bye.
Oh, fuck.
Please get here like yesterday.
Bye. End of message.
To delete this message, press seven.
Message deleted.
Oh, shit.
Oh, what's that?
What is that?
(SCREAMS)
What do you guys want? Gabe.
(CLEARS THROAT)
We have an offer for you. Oh, really?
Is that what the case is?
Yes.
You guys locked me up and tried to drive me insane,
just like you did to Grandpa Bertie.
Oh, yeah, I know everything.
I read it all in his diary.
And now you're trying to pay me off?
How much? I-I'll handle this.
10,000 pounds in cash and you bugger off.
And that's the maximum amount we can offer.
That's all the money we have.
Aston, I was going to start lower!
Gabe, we're trying to save you from a multi-year legal battle,
over a contestable will for a property
with less than glowing finances.
Now, this is all yours.
You could head back home, Gabe.
Get a little-little farmstead
out west, couple of bighorns.
Hmm. Maybe a rooster?
Oh, yeah, that sounds really good, yeah.
I could go to the hoedown and get crazy
and win a turkey in the armpit fart contest.
Have you ever fucking been to America, Xanthe?
Every time you're rude to us, it goes down by a grand.
Oh, shut up, Aston.
Gabe, you could move on with your life.
Now, we'll leave you to have a little think about it and,
er, you know, where we are.
Aston!
Don't just stand there, boy.
What?
I found something outside.
If you answer one question honestly, I'll hand it over.
(CHUCKLES) Just give it to me, you fuck-wit.
What is it? No. No. No, no, no.
Did you give Gabe drugs?
And that's what made him attack Miss Whitby?
Yes.
But then he wouldn't have gotten so angry.
And then he wouldn't have left! He wants the house!
If he gets the house, you'd be the one leaving.
I answered your question. Now, what did you find?
Another disembowelled sparrow?
No, actually, I found this.
It was ringing then there was a message
and it was Gabe and he said you drugged him.
Whose telephone is that?
Oh, it, it was... I don't know.
His friend, someone called Neville. Hmm.
He must be here.
He may well have been here...
but he won't have survived the night.
We both know that.
Gabe's my best friend.
I don't think he-he would kick me out of this house.
Oh, Bart...
how sweet to be blind to the true nature of the world.
Hmm.
That's why you must never move beyond the gate.
Hmm?
There was something else.
He said he found a hidden riddle, from Elizabeth.
Graham?
Thanks for this but, I don't think I want it anymore.
I'm just gonna go back to LA. Graham!
Where are you going?
Move, you dozy cunt. Fuck it. Bastard microphone.
Hey, cut the fucking music! Hayfork!
(CROWD CHEERS)
Hornbearing is upon us once more!
(CROWD CHEERS)
May the LORDS heal our land!
Hurrah for the healers!
May he forgive us our greed!
Hurrah for The Horned One!
May he for...
(LAUGHTER) Fuck's sake! Fuck off.
I think, you've had a few too many of those barley wines, huh?
(HURLS) Oh, Jesus!
Oh, man.
I can't play the Lord of the Land now.
No? You'll have to do it.
What are you talking about? Yeah.
You're gonna have to fill in for me. No, no. No, Dan, no.
I gotta get outta here. Hey, you can do this, come on.
I can't. Come on, you can do this!
I can't man, please. Do it for Elizabeth. Yeah?
Yeah. OK, for Elizabeth.
(APPLAUSE)
He's the Lord of the Land!
(CROWD CHANTS)
Here we give thanks for the blessings bestowed
on us simple folk by the lords up the road.
Forgiveness we beg for our fore fathers greed.
In demanding fair payment for fingers that bleed.
What are you doing here? Where's Dan?
Dan's wasted. I got roped into doing this!
I don't know, what I'm doing here. I'm scared!
Just do as I say. OK.
Their short-sighted lust for a roof and a bed,
near left the whole village sickened or dead.
It was the Horned One their vicious deeds did incense.
So, praise our healer the Lord of the Land,
who saved us hence.
Ohh!
Aaaaahhhhh!
What is this, fucking Shakespeare?
What is it? Shh!
What's wrong with that lady? Hey, that's fake, right?
Hurrah for the Horned One!
OK, Graham, I need you to be honest with me.
Is this some sort of human sacrifice?
Am I gonna be sacrificed today? Yes.
If you don't keep quiet! Take the cup!
Hurry up!
(CROWD CHEERS)
What are you doing? Stand up!
Now, say, "I heal you!" Heal us! Heal us! Heal us! Oh, come on, higher!
Heal us! I heal you!
He heals us!
Now, give the cup to Mother Hayfork!
Who's Mother Hayfork? Who the fuck do you think she is?
That woman lying there! Jesus Christ.
Oh, for goodness sake, give it some ceremony!
(CROWD CHEERS)
Here lady, here's your cup. Piss off!
No. Sorry. Get back!
Now, we bear horns to our Lords of the Land
that he implored The Horned One to spare us!
(CROWD CHEERS)
Rejoice! Rise up alive.
Mother Hayfork heals and is re-born!
I am risen! I am reborn!
She is reborn!
(APPLAUSE)
All quake to hear the hallowed name of Beaucroft!
Beaucroft!
Our Lords and Masters on the Hill! The Lords of our Land.
Beaucroft!
Wait, wait. I'm confused.
The Lord of the Land is a Beaucroft? Yes!
The Lord of the Land is a Beaucroft.
So, what's the connection between the Beaucrofts
and The Horned One?
The Beaucrofts implored
the Horned One to spare Mother Hayfork.
And who is Mother Hayfork again? Us!
She represents the fucking village!
So, the Beaucrofts healed the village?
Yes, now shush, it's not your bit anymore.
Wow, that's...
Liz.
Did you see that?
I think, I understand now. I'm a Beaucroft!
I'm the Lord of the Land. I'm the healer. I'm the healer!
What the fuck are you doing now?
Yes! I understand now, baby. I know, what you want me to do!
I'm the healer. Don't touch me!
I'm the healer and I'm gonna heal everything!
(LAUGHS)
Here! I got the will!
(GASPS)
Oh, fuck. Now you've done it!
He killed The Horned One!
No, no, no, no, no!
(CROWD BOOS) No, you don't understand.
You don't... Wanker.
Bastard's ruined Hornbearing.
I'm not a killer! Let's make him pay.
I'm the Lord of the Land! I'm the healer!
Disrespect means disembowelment.
It was an accident!
Come on, let's fucking cleanse him!
Get him! Oh, shit!
Wanker. Get him! Cave him in.
(CROWD CHANTS)
You guys don't understand! I'm the Lord of The Land!
I'm The Healer, me! Oh, shit!
No, no, no, no, no!
I'm a Beaucroft! My wife was Elizabeth Beaucroft!
If any of you fucking touch me, I will sue you!
Captioned by AI-Media ai-media.tv