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["She Drives Me Crazy"
by Fine Young Cannibals playing]
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00:00:15,531 --> 00:00:17,134
- Oh, my God.
- [Gwen] I've been getting
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00:00:17,134 --> 00:00:18,771
all these, like,
TikTok algorithms
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00:00:18,771 --> 00:00:21,343
about where to put your couch
in your house.
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00:00:21,343 --> 00:00:23,648
So what if you just put your
couch at, like, a slight angle?
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00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:25,785
That way you can watch TV at...
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00:00:25,785 --> 00:00:27,789
- like, a slight angle.
- Every single one
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00:00:27,789 --> 00:00:30,127
of these essays is so bad.
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00:00:30,127 --> 00:00:32,566
This is the, like, Red Badge
of Courage midterm paper thing?
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00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:35,605
Red Badge of Courage
garbage paper, I guess.
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It's like...
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I-I don't know how these kids
didn't get this book.
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It's so simple.
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00:00:40,281 --> 00:00:42,118
Like, a young kid
goes off to war.
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Cowardice, honor. This essay
just starts with the word "Hey."
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"Hey, The Red Badge of Courage
is a book about courage."
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- Hey, that sounds bad.
- I am a kind,
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00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:52,405
patient teacher.
Maybe I've been too lenient?
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You know what, honestly, I bet
they didn't even read the book.
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They probably just used
Biff Notes.
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What's Biff Notes?
That's like CliffNotes?
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He's, like, a TikTok book guy.
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Summarizes, like,
high school books.
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- [clears throat]
I don't think I've seen him.
- He, like...
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he's a queer guy. Queer guy.
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You think I know who he is
'cause he's queer?
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He did a dance
with Penn Jillette,
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and Teller wasn't there.
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They just think
they're gonna, like,
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get away with this
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because I'm gonna try
to keep the peace
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and give them good grades
or something.
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[stammers]
I'm not gonna do that.
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They wanted a war,
they're gonna get a war.
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Don't ask, don't tell.
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- Gwen.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
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That was, like, the first
war thing I thought of.
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What do you think of the couch?
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You moved that?
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♪ She drives me crazy ♪
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- ♪ Like no one else ♪
- [Evan] Here you go.
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♪ She drives me crazy. ♪
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- Here you go.
- Yo.
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An "F"? What is this?
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I didn't even know
this was, like, a grade
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- you guys could still give out.
- You didn't?
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Are you being deadass right now?
With all due respect.
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You realize this is, like,
a fourth of our grade.
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- Right here.
- Exactly.
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- You can't do this.
- What do you mean
I can't do this?
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I didn't do this. You did this.
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- This is your grade
that you got.
- Whatever.
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I gave you guys a month
to read this book.
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Mr. Marquez,
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your feelings are valid.
We've all learned
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our lesson here, and...
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now you can give us B's.
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B's are good grades.
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You didn't earn good grades!
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I am the teacher.
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This is not up for discussion.
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And that's the end of this.
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I'm posting ads on Backpage.
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Because with grades like this,
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I'm gonna have
to hit the corner, sir.
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You're my hero right now.
Seriously.
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- [laughs]
- I've always wanted to fail
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- a student. It's, like...
- Yeah.
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...impossible
to fail someone in P.E.
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- They earned F's,
so they get F's. Good for them.
- [Rick laughs]
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Dude,
you're like George Clooney,
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doing funny-ass pranks
on these kids.
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It's not a prank. They're real
grades that I'm giving the kids.
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Wait, George Clooney
does pranks?
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I got to help these kids
get into college.
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So if you're, like,
giving them F's,
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that can honestly be
the difference
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between them getting
into a shitty college
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and a super shitty college.
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Then get them to do the work to
get into a good college, Rick.
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Okay, you're being
fucking crazy right now. What?
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I'm just really glad I don't
have to deal with any of this,
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'cause all of my students
are well above average.
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- All of 'em?
- [Gwen] Mm-hmm.
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It's impossible
for all your students
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to be well above average.
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Some of your students
must be average.
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I'm just a good... teacher.
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Why would it...
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I'm-I'm confused.
What are you saying?
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I think some of your students
are cheating.
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No one's ever cheated
in my class.
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They're not cheating or they're
not getting caught cheating?
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[Rick]
Let me tell you something.
People cheat
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- all the time.
- [Gwen] They're not cheating.
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Cheating is trying. It's okay.
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- What?
- [Grant] Evan, come.
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- Now. Come, come.
- What? What?
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- Come.
- I'm eating!
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Yeah. You're done.
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Why am I getting calls
from parents telling me
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- you failed a bunch of kids in
your 11th grade English class?
- [door closes]
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Because I failed a bunch of kids
in my 11th grade English class.
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- I'm gonna die.
- They deserved these grades,
Grant.
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- Look at this.
- Mm-hmm.
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- Read that.
-"As an A.I. language model,
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I am not able
to complete this request."
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Why is he not able
to complete this request?
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It means ChatGPT wrote it.
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That not allowed?
It's the future.
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- Look at this one.
- [groans] Okay.
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"So that's what's up
with The Red Badge of Courage."
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And then he underlines it
and he puts
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the "cool guy
with sunglasses" emoji.
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- It's a clear point of view.
- This is crazy.
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Okay, Evan,
do you remember the mom,
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Linda Harrison, who complained
about you kissing Malcolm
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in front of her son?
Remember that?
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Yes, of course I remember
Linda Harrison.
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She tried to have me fired
for the sin of kissing a man--
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Well, you just failed
her younger son.
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- Oh, shit.
- Mm-hmm. And it took her all
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of 11 seconds
after your class let out
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to call my office directly
and demand a meeting with you.
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- I'm not meeting with her.
- Oh, no, no,
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no, no, no, no, no.
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If you refuse to meet with her,
you will be fired.
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- That's not fair.
- It's not.
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But if you don't placate
this woman, then I will be fired
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and a new principal
will be hired--
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hand-selected by Linda Harrison
and her obedient followers.
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And then, and then do you think
that a new person
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sitting in this chair
will indulge
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your-your-your noble,
principled bullshit?!
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Who's running the school, Grant?
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Is it us or is it them?
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Them. Them. Her. Her.
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Hell hath no wrath
like a concerned parent, Evan.
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Do you have any idea
how much sway she has?
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Sway? What do you mean, sway?
This is a public school.
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What, is she funding
the government?
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Boosters, Evan.
She and her husband Dale,
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they're massive boosters, okay?
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Their restaurant donates
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a... [mouths] load
of money to this school.
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Well, listen, tell her
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thank you for the concern.
I really appreciate her...
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- feelings
about how I run my class.
- You're meeting with her.
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Evan, don't even mess around.
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- You are meeting
with her tonight.
- But, Grant, if there's
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- one thing I'm not doing today,
it is--
- Tonight.
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We have a reservation
for Linda Harrison.
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I can make women love me.
Women love me.
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- Cash only.
Look at this. Cash only.
- [Linda] Yoo-hoo!
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- Oh, I don't have any cash.
- Wow.
- Well, look what the cat
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dragged in.
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- You must be Mr. Evan Marquez.
- Linda.
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- Harrison. Nice to meet you.
- Linda Harrison. That's right.
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And you are
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- Ms.--
- Gwen. I'm his best friend.
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- I'm Ms. Sanders. I--
- You're Ms. Sanders.
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- Blake speaks so highly of you.
- Yes. [stammers] Oh!
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But he didn't tell me
about that head of hair.
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Thank you. [laughs]
And I like your head...
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- as well.
- Thank you so much.
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And I like that little hair
you have there.
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- Yeah.
- All right, y'all,
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get on in there.
We got you at a VIP table.
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Deanna, stand up straight.
You look like a shepherd's hook.
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Winston!
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Now, I don't care
where those nuggets are headed.
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You bring 'em on back over here.
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That's what we call a reroute.
[laughing]
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- [forced chuckle]
- Chicken nuggets
as an appetizer-- that's genius.
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They're actually steak nuggets.
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I invented 'em.
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And we're into
the patent process right now
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with the lawyers. You know,
Dale's getting into it with 'em.
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You know how that is.
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- Yeah. Yeah.
- We don't.
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00:05:55,812 --> 00:05:57,749
- We've seen Shark Tank.
- Yeah.
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Oh, shit, these are good.
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You wanted to talk, Linda?
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00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:01,624
Yes. And let's chat about that.
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As soon as we get some Sprites.
Winston?
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00:06:03,426 --> 00:06:04,730
Honey, I'm-a reel you back on in
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00:06:04,730 --> 00:06:06,867
over here.
Come on, my little trout.
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00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,436
- Can we get three Sprites?
- Absolutely.
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00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:10,107
- Now?
- Yeah.
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00:06:10,107 --> 00:06:12,444
- Is he the only waiter here?
- No, but he's my favorite.
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00:06:12,444 --> 00:06:14,850
We put double syrup
in the Sprites.
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00:06:14,850 --> 00:06:16,119
And that's why I didn't ask
y'all what you wanted to drink.
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Because nobody gets out of here
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without trying my double Sprite.
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Another invention?
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It is.
[laughs] It is.
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- This is crazy. I love Sprite.
- [laughs] You know,
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Dale calls me
"Willy Wonka with a boob job."
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00:06:27,709 --> 00:06:29,145
I said, "Dale,
don't you go around here
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00:06:29,145 --> 00:06:30,915
telling everybody
I have a boob job." [laughing]
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00:06:30,915 --> 00:06:32,786
I've considered--
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00:06:32,786 --> 00:06:34,523
Don't. Gwendolyn, do not.
203
00:06:34,523 --> 00:06:36,960
I am afraid every time I fly.
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00:06:38,664 --> 00:06:40,668
- So you wanted to talk
about the--
- Oh, Lord.
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You're all such good company,
I just about forgot. Okay,
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00:06:42,906 --> 00:06:44,475
so, Mr. Marquez,
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00:06:44,475 --> 00:06:45,611
the grades.
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Like, what are we thinking here?
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00:06:47,181 --> 00:06:49,886
Uh, we are thinking
that the grades
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00:06:49,886 --> 00:06:52,726
should accurately reflect
the work.
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00:06:52,726 --> 00:06:54,763
Mm-hmm. Lord, I hear that.
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00:06:54,763 --> 00:06:56,600
I'm just thinking...
[laughs]
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00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,904
...can't we change 'em?
[chuckles]
214
00:06:58,904 --> 00:07:00,508
Just, like, a little bit?
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00:07:00,508 --> 00:07:01,777
Like, just one time.
Just a little boost.
216
00:07:01,777 --> 00:07:02,878
What do you think, Gwen?
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00:07:04,516 --> 00:07:05,918
Well,
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00:07:05,918 --> 00:07:07,922
you can, 'cause you are
the teacher. Like...
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00:07:07,922 --> 00:07:09,526
Or no.
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00:07:09,526 --> 00:07:11,029
He could, but he won't.
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00:07:11,029 --> 00:07:12,799
- This feels like mixed signals.
- [Evan] Linda,
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00:07:12,799 --> 00:07:14,870
are the grades
really what this is about?
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00:07:14,870 --> 00:07:16,507
Yes. Why?
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00:07:16,507 --> 00:07:18,043
There's not another...
225
00:07:18,043 --> 00:07:19,045
thing?
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00:07:19,045 --> 00:07:20,515
Like what?
227
00:07:20,515 --> 00:07:22,552
Like what happened in the fall.
228
00:07:22,552 --> 00:07:24,188
You were having me investigated
for kissing my boyfriend
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00:07:24,188 --> 00:07:25,525
- in front of a group of stud--
- Oh, honey.
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00:07:25,525 --> 00:07:27,061
Water, bridge, you, me.
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00:07:27,061 --> 00:07:28,698
Okay?
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00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,233
I do not care that you're...
[whispers] gay.
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00:07:30,233 --> 00:07:32,672
I don't care one bit
that you're... [whispers] gay.
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00:07:32,672 --> 00:07:34,843
As long as you don't care that
I sneak a little drop of gin
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00:07:34,843 --> 00:07:36,947
into my double Sprite at lunch.
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00:07:36,947 --> 00:07:39,553
[laughs]
We both got our little things.
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00:07:39,553 --> 00:07:41,222
- Yeah.
- [Evan] Regardless,
I-I will have
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00:07:41,222 --> 00:07:43,561
to stand firm
in the grades as they are.
239
00:07:43,561 --> 00:07:46,065
I'm an educator,
and it's my duty to give
240
00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:48,169
accurate grades.
241
00:07:49,572 --> 00:07:50,942
[chuckles softly]
242
00:07:50,942 --> 00:07:52,579
Well, shoot. [laughs]
243
00:07:52,579 --> 00:07:55,952
I admit, I wanted us
to see eye to eye on this.
244
00:07:55,952 --> 00:07:57,121
I can tell we don't,
245
00:07:57,121 --> 00:07:58,858
and we can just move on, honey.
246
00:07:58,858 --> 00:08:00,695
- Really?
- As a business owner,
247
00:08:00,695 --> 00:08:02,732
I got to do what I got to do
to stay within my integrity,
248
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,836
and you got to do the same
as a teacher.
249
00:08:04,836 --> 00:08:05,972
And I respect it.
250
00:08:05,972 --> 00:08:07,809
Wow.
251
00:08:07,809 --> 00:08:09,946
- [chuckles] Okay.
- It shows strength.
It shows courage.
252
00:08:09,946 --> 00:08:12,719
- [Gwen] I agree. Yeah. Yeah.
- Thank you.
- This has been nice.
253
00:08:12,719 --> 00:08:14,556
I'm actually-- Sorry, I thought
this was gonna be much more
254
00:08:14,556 --> 00:08:15,858
- of a problem.
- [chuckles]
It was a little scary.
255
00:08:15,858 --> 00:08:16,894
Now, listen,
everything's on la casa.
256
00:08:16,894 --> 00:08:17,996
I have to excuse myself.
257
00:08:17,996 --> 00:08:19,131
Oh, you're leaving us?
258
00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:20,868
Chef Gary is really on one.
259
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:22,672
For the specials tonight,
let me tell you what,
260
00:08:22,672 --> 00:08:25,243
he wants to put a duck burger
on a butter pretzel bun,
261
00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:26,680
and I think he's crazy.
262
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:27,882
Although, so crazy,
263
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:29,285
it just might work.
[laughs]
264
00:08:29,285 --> 00:08:31,857
- All right, bye.
- Bye.
265
00:08:31,857 --> 00:08:33,126
I hate to see her go, but I love
266
00:08:33,126 --> 00:08:34,662
- to watch her walk away.
- Gwendolyn.
267
00:08:40,173 --> 00:08:42,010
- [school bell rings]
- Sorry I'm late, guys.
268
00:08:42,010 --> 00:08:44,883
I just had this whole thing
happen with my car insurance,
269
00:08:44,883 --> 00:08:46,352
and they were not taking
my payment
270
00:08:46,352 --> 00:08:47,922
because it was a credit card.
And then I--
271
00:08:47,922 --> 00:08:49,325
Yoo-hoo. Visitor alert.
272
00:08:49,325 --> 00:08:51,897
[chuckles]
Hey, Mr. Marquez.
273
00:08:51,897 --> 00:08:54,168
He's uninsured.
Let's write that down.
274
00:08:54,168 --> 00:08:55,203
- [typing]
- What-what are you doing here,
Linda?
275
00:08:55,203 --> 00:08:56,774
I thought we moved on from this.
276
00:08:56,774 --> 00:08:58,611
Oh, we have.
We've moved on to the next level
277
00:08:58,611 --> 00:08:59,880
of sorting this problem out.
278
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,149
The next level?
279
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:02,952
Okay, well, I don't know
if you know this,
280
00:09:02,952 --> 00:09:04,689
but you're not allowed
to just be in my classroom.
281
00:09:04,689 --> 00:09:06,894
You have to have my permission
to observe my class.
282
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:09,198
I actually do know that, which
is why I went over your head
283
00:09:09,198 --> 00:09:11,335
and already got authorization
from the school board.
284
00:09:11,335 --> 00:09:13,339
[whispers]
Mom, stop. This is embarrassing.
285
00:09:13,339 --> 00:09:14,943
Blake, tuck in
your Billabong shirt.
286
00:09:14,943 --> 00:09:16,312
- [snickering]
- All the way around, sir.
287
00:09:16,312 --> 00:09:17,782
Everyone,
288
00:09:17,782 --> 00:09:18,851
eyes on me.
289
00:09:18,851 --> 00:09:20,655
This is Dr. Doug.
290
00:09:20,655 --> 00:09:22,324
He is a teaching expert.
291
00:09:22,324 --> 00:09:25,130
Okay? And he and I are gonna be
just observing class today.
292
00:09:25,130 --> 00:09:26,934
So drink a glass of Act Right.
You know what I mean?
293
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,169
[chuckles]
I'm just kidding.
294
00:09:28,169 --> 00:09:30,173
Be yourselves.
295
00:09:33,079 --> 00:09:34,649
I'll be right back.
296
00:09:34,649 --> 00:09:37,153
Dramatically exits?
Let's write that down.
297
00:09:38,122 --> 00:09:39,793
Yeah, if there's power up here,
I could definitely jerry-rig
298
00:09:39,793 --> 00:09:41,395
- a little camera for you.
- [Gwen] Good.
299
00:09:41,395 --> 00:09:42,999
'Cause I want to prove to you
that they're not cheating.
300
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,268
So put the cameras
wherever you want.
301
00:09:44,268 --> 00:09:46,138
- Can you put 'em back there?
- Yeah.
302
00:09:46,138 --> 00:09:48,076
It's a drop ceiling. There's a--
It's a whole world up there.
303
00:09:48,076 --> 00:09:49,880
- Huh.
- I don't know.
304
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,349
I get a couple cameras,
we'll get the footage
305
00:09:51,349 --> 00:09:52,986
and watch it together
over drinks?
306
00:09:52,986 --> 00:09:53,988
We could...
307
00:09:53,988 --> 00:09:55,791
What?
308
00:09:57,060 --> 00:09:58,429
[quietly]
Linda is in my class.
309
00:09:58,429 --> 00:10:00,233
- [squeals]
- No, no, no, no. It's not good.
310
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:01,803
That whole thing
where she was being nice
311
00:10:01,803 --> 00:10:04,341
and friendly last night,
that was a front.
312
00:10:04,341 --> 00:10:05,678
- Oh, my God.
- And now she brought,
313
00:10:05,678 --> 00:10:07,347
like, a teaching expert to class
314
00:10:07,347 --> 00:10:09,986
to observe me and try
to take me down or something.
315
00:10:09,986 --> 00:10:11,422
- She's a bitch. Always been.
- What?
- Yeah.
316
00:10:11,422 --> 00:10:13,092
Can you come and sit in?
I need, like, manpower.
317
00:10:13,092 --> 00:10:14,161
It's your free period, right?
318
00:10:14,161 --> 00:10:16,165
- Yes. What?
- Can I come?
319
00:10:16,165 --> 00:10:18,704
- I only needed Gwen,
but, sure, more is better.
- Yes, buddy.
320
00:10:18,704 --> 00:10:19,873
- [grunts]
- Oh, God.
321
00:10:19,873 --> 00:10:21,242
[Rick]
You should check out
322
00:10:21,242 --> 00:10:23,046
Michigan State.
They got bomb pad thai.
323
00:10:23,046 --> 00:10:24,381
You probably can't get in there
324
00:10:24,381 --> 00:10:26,753
'cause your grades are bunk.
[chuckles]
325
00:10:26,753 --> 00:10:28,456
- But, yo--
- Rick, come sit
in Evan's class with us!
326
00:10:28,456 --> 00:10:30,126
Oh, I'm there! Hell yeah.
327
00:10:30,126 --> 00:10:32,130
You like skinny noodle
or thick noodle?
328
00:10:32,130 --> 00:10:35,103
Huh? Michigan State's got both!
329
00:10:35,103 --> 00:10:36,239
- Get it 360.
- [shutter clicking]
330
00:10:36,239 --> 00:10:38,209
Everything. Like IMAX, almost.
331
00:10:39,211 --> 00:10:40,447
[Evan]
What is he doing?
332
00:10:40,447 --> 00:10:42,184
Can you please put
that iPad down?
333
00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:44,154
You're not allowed
to take pictures in here, okay?
334
00:10:44,154 --> 00:10:45,858
- He is documenting.
We are just observing.
- [door closes]
335
00:10:45,858 --> 00:10:47,729
It's gonna be like
we're not even here, honey.
336
00:10:47,729 --> 00:10:49,064
Well, I went ahead and gathered
some other board-certified
337
00:10:49,064 --> 00:10:51,269
teachers to observe
this observation.
338
00:10:51,269 --> 00:10:54,008
Oh. [laughs] It's really good
you have the gym teacher here.
339
00:10:54,008 --> 00:10:55,477
- Hey, Markie.
- Linda.
340
00:10:55,477 --> 00:10:56,914
- Looking all like a Shrek today.
- [shutter clicking]
341
00:10:56,914 --> 00:10:58,349
It's just "Shrek."
There's only one.
342
00:10:58,349 --> 00:10:59,753
- Ah, stunning.
- Hey, Gwen.
343
00:10:59,753 --> 00:11:01,289
- Shut up.
- Okay.
344
00:11:01,289 --> 00:11:03,026
So, now that we have six
adults in here, let's continue
345
00:11:03,026 --> 00:11:04,428
our somewhat tumultuous journey
346
00:11:04,428 --> 00:11:07,301
through
The Red Badge of Courage.
347
00:11:07,301 --> 00:11:08,871
Didn't we already write
those essays?
348
00:11:08,871 --> 00:11:10,875
Yes, but, Kayla,
since that didn't quite work,
349
00:11:10,875 --> 00:11:12,444
we're gonna stay with that book
until the information
350
00:11:12,444 --> 00:11:14,281
has been
effectively communicated.
351
00:11:14,281 --> 00:11:16,753
Aren't we getting behind
on the state curriculum here?
352
00:11:16,753 --> 00:11:18,757
Shouldn't we be moving on
to To Kill a Mockingbird?
353
00:11:18,757 --> 00:11:20,795
- Doug, shut up.
- Lot of questions for a doctor.
354
00:11:20,795 --> 00:11:22,030
Markie, do you even have
a master's?
355
00:11:22,030 --> 00:11:23,499
What'd you major in, ranch?
356
00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:25,203
I'm sorry, I thought
you were just observing.
357
00:11:25,203 --> 00:11:27,341
Easily distracted.
Write that down.
358
00:11:27,341 --> 00:11:28,476
- Don't. What are you writing?
- Are you writing this
in Wingdings?
359
00:11:28,476 --> 00:11:29,478
- What is that?
- Stop it.
360
00:11:29,478 --> 00:11:30,781
Okay, how about this?
361
00:11:30,781 --> 00:11:32,785
I'm ordering you to leave, okay?
362
00:11:32,785 --> 00:11:35,357
- [students oohing]
- Observation over.
363
00:11:35,357 --> 00:11:38,129
Actually, my Parent's Rights
state that I can be here,
364
00:11:38,129 --> 00:11:40,333
- so I will be remaining.
- That doesn't exist.
365
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,837
You're out of order.
366
00:11:41,837 --> 00:11:44,208
This whole, this whole classroom
is out of order.
367
00:11:44,208 --> 00:11:46,245
Linda, this isn't a courtroom.
368
00:11:46,245 --> 00:11:47,314
I object.
369
00:11:47,314 --> 00:11:48,784
I don't know what is going on.
370
00:11:48,784 --> 00:11:50,453
And why will he not
stop typing?!
371
00:11:50,453 --> 00:11:51,990
- I'll take care of this.
- Just put "OOO," and that stands
372
00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:53,861
- for "out of order."
- Who wants an iPad?
373
00:11:53,861 --> 00:11:56,833
- Just keep teaching, Evan.
- So, The Red Badge of Courage...
374
00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:58,102
And she's what?
She's allowed to bring
375
00:11:58,102 --> 00:12:00,140
this teaching expert
into my classroom
376
00:12:00,140 --> 00:12:01,877
- without asking?
- Well, technically, no.
377
00:12:01,877 --> 00:12:03,847
But in a world where
I want to keep my job, yes.
378
00:12:03,847 --> 00:12:05,216
I mean, she's probably
just gathering evidence.
379
00:12:05,216 --> 00:12:07,287
Gathering evidence
for what, Grant?
380
00:12:07,287 --> 00:12:08,557
For the parents-faculty
town hall meeting
381
00:12:08,557 --> 00:12:10,026
that she called for tonight.
382
00:12:10,026 --> 00:12:12,030
- She called a town hall meeting?
- Yes.
383
00:12:12,030 --> 00:12:13,567
- She's allowed to do that?
- Well, technically, no,
384
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,337
but in a world where
I want to keep my--
385
00:12:15,337 --> 00:12:17,074
You knew about this?
Wh-Wh-Why wouldn't you tell me?
386
00:12:17,074 --> 00:12:18,978
Because I was hoping she
wouldn't gather any evidence.
387
00:12:18,978 --> 00:12:21,482
Evan, look, if we don't
make it through this,
388
00:12:21,482 --> 00:12:23,821
I just want to say that it's
been an honor and a privilege
389
00:12:23,821 --> 00:12:25,056
- serving with you.
- Oh, shut up.
390
00:12:29,532 --> 00:12:31,235
My associates are handing out
the findings fro
391
00:12:31,235 --> 00:12:32,839
- in the classroom.
- Could you, uh, pass that down?
392
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,308
That's gonna be Dr. Doug,
y'all know Winston.
393
00:12:34,308 --> 00:12:36,178
Tell him not to hide
his light under a bushel.
394
00:12:36,178 --> 00:12:37,982
You let it shine, Winston.
395
00:12:37,982 --> 00:12:39,819
- You're just gonna let
this happen to me?
- Shh.
396
00:12:39,819 --> 00:12:40,921
Anyway, I think perhaps
what is most stark
397
00:12:40,921 --> 00:12:42,892
about our findings today
398
00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:45,196
is that Mr. Marquez is unable
to even teach his class
399
00:12:45,196 --> 00:12:47,902
without the assistance of
several other teachers present.
400
00:12:47,902 --> 00:12:50,340
I mean, does the state
have funding
401
00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:53,046
for such an extensive
support system?
402
00:12:53,046 --> 00:12:55,350
Linda, you brought a teaching
expert to my classroom.
403
00:12:55,350 --> 00:12:57,187
- [Grant] Mr. Marquez.
- You came to my class
unannounced.
404
00:12:57,187 --> 00:12:59,391
- Okay? I needed backup.
- Mr. Marquez. Mr., Mr. Marquez.
405
00:12:59,391 --> 00:13:01,362
Mrs. Harrison has the floor.
406
00:13:01,362 --> 00:13:02,832
Thank you, Grant.
407
00:13:02,832 --> 00:13:04,301
Everybody just open
to page four.
408
00:13:04,301 --> 00:13:05,303
Let's all do it together.
409
00:13:05,303 --> 00:13:07,374
She used to be so sweet.
410
00:13:07,374 --> 00:13:09,211
Like, I don't even know
who this woman is.
411
00:13:09,211 --> 00:13:10,981
This book was,
like, really well-made.
412
00:13:10,981 --> 00:13:12,350
Where did they get this picture
of you, by the way?
413
00:13:12,350 --> 00:13:13,620
- Look at that.
- Oh, my God.
414
00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:14,923
You're built
like a baby seal, man.
415
00:13:14,923 --> 00:13:16,092
I told you to post that.
416
00:13:16,092 --> 00:13:17,494
Hold on,
I have to listen to this.
417
00:13:17,494 --> 00:13:19,131
'Cause whether this requires
an adjustment
418
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,903
or-- honey, God forbid--
a removal,
419
00:13:21,903 --> 00:13:24,041
that's just something
we need to talk about.
420
00:13:24,041 --> 00:13:25,176
She said removal?
421
00:13:25,176 --> 00:13:26,513
[exasperated sigh]
422
00:13:26,513 --> 00:13:28,082
I think everybody's with me here
423
00:13:28,082 --> 00:13:31,222
when I say we want
our children...
424
00:13:31,222 --> 00:13:32,959
to thrive and to learn.
425
00:13:32,959 --> 00:13:34,228
[murmured agreements]
426
00:13:34,228 --> 00:13:36,031
Let me hear one more time
in the back.
427
00:13:36,031 --> 00:13:37,167
[all]
Amen.
428
00:13:37,167 --> 00:13:38,469
[Linda]
What we don't want
429
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:40,073
is our children
subjected to things
430
00:13:40,073 --> 00:13:42,344
that we have not agreed to.
431
00:13:42,344 --> 00:13:44,148
- Am I right?
- [murmured agreements]
432
00:13:44,148 --> 00:13:47,588
Like receiving failing grades
on passing work.
433
00:13:47,588 --> 00:13:49,993
- Can I get an amen?
- I'm so sorry, I don't want
to be dramatic...
434
00:13:49,993 --> 00:13:52,297
- [shutter clicks]
- ...but this woman has
a personal vendetta against me.
435
00:13:52,297 --> 00:13:54,067
I'm not the only one
who's been affected
436
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,538
by Mr. Marquez's actions.
437
00:13:55,538 --> 00:13:57,207
I'd like to bring to speak
a beautiful,
438
00:13:57,207 --> 00:13:59,579
incredible and talented
Latina single mother.
439
00:13:59,579 --> 00:14:00,981
- Luisa.
- [applause]
440
00:14:00,981 --> 00:14:02,116
Come on, Luisa.
441
00:14:03,319 --> 00:14:05,023
Actually, I'm not single.
442
00:14:05,023 --> 00:14:06,292
- I am married for nine years.
- [feedback squeals]
443
00:14:06,292 --> 00:14:07,460
Congratulations.
444
00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:10,333
My son was on the football team.
445
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:12,437
And then he got an F,
and now they say
446
00:14:12,437 --> 00:14:14,475
- that he can't play anymore.
- [exclaims]
447
00:14:14,475 --> 00:14:15,611
[Linda]
That's his future!
448
00:14:15,611 --> 00:14:18,316
We are angry, Mr. Marquez.
449
00:14:18,316 --> 00:14:20,620
[speaking Spanish]
450
00:14:21,589 --> 00:14:23,025
[speaking Spanish]
451
00:14:26,431 --> 00:14:28,435
Hey, Siri,
open Google Translate.
452
00:14:31,943 --> 00:14:33,914
[speaking Spanish]
453
00:14:33,914 --> 00:14:36,620
I'mma call a cállate!
454
00:14:36,620 --> 00:14:39,057
We all know Dr. Doug can't
even write that down.
455
00:14:40,293 --> 00:14:41,262
Now, that was beautiful.
456
00:14:41,262 --> 00:14:43,299
And cultural.
457
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,136
Okay? And I thank you, Luisa.
458
00:14:45,136 --> 00:14:46,706
She's using my own people
against me.
459
00:14:46,706 --> 00:14:48,476
And that goes to show that I'm
not the only one affected
460
00:14:48,476 --> 00:14:50,548
- by Mr. Marquez's actions, and--
- Excuse me.
461
00:14:50,548 --> 00:14:53,152
- Sorry. Please.
Linda. If you don't mind.
- S-- Sure.
462
00:14:53,152 --> 00:14:55,123
- Oh, my God.
- [Sharon] I'm sorry,
but there is
463
00:14:55,123 --> 00:14:56,292
a more pressing matter.
464
00:14:56,292 --> 00:14:57,460
Oh, here we go.
465
00:14:57,460 --> 00:14:58,997
We all need to be aware
466
00:14:58,997 --> 00:15:01,168
that our kids are playing
a new sex game.
467
00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:02,538
[parents gasp]
468
00:15:02,538 --> 00:15:04,141
[Sharon]
When I say the phrase
469
00:15:04,141 --> 00:15:06,613
"reverse glory hole,"
what do you picture?
470
00:15:06,613 --> 00:15:09,619
Okay. All right. And-and
that does sound terrifying.
471
00:15:09,619 --> 00:15:11,556
Earmark the, uh,
the reverse glory hole.
472
00:15:11,556 --> 00:15:13,459
- Let's write that down.
- I appreciate you.
We're gonna deal
473
00:15:13,459 --> 00:15:15,163
with that later.
We're gonna keep an eye on it.
474
00:15:15,163 --> 00:15:17,000
I would really love
the opportunity to speak now
475
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,971
- since this is all about me.
- Yeah. Yeah. I got one more
476
00:15:18,971 --> 00:15:20,507
reminder before I sit down. I'm
gonna quit taking y'all's time.
477
00:15:24,214 --> 00:15:25,751
Y'all get some food real quick.
478
00:15:25,751 --> 00:15:27,989
We got Winston
on the carving station!
479
00:15:27,989 --> 00:15:29,759
- We got two chocolate fountains.
- [whooping and applause]
480
00:15:29,759 --> 00:15:33,600
And we have a boatload
of my favorite and yours...
481
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,236
[whispering]
steak nuggets.
482
00:15:35,236 --> 00:15:37,440
- [cheering]
- [laughs] Dig in, y'all.
483
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,144
I was hoping that was for us.
484
00:15:39,144 --> 00:15:41,148
Maybe just drill a peephole
right here at your desk.
485
00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:43,486
And they take the exam,
you drop your keys,
486
00:15:43,486 --> 00:15:45,089
catch 'em in the act.
487
00:15:45,089 --> 00:15:46,693
How you doing over there?
488
00:15:46,693 --> 00:15:49,164
I'm not good, you know?
This woman,
489
00:15:49,164 --> 00:15:52,037
it's like I close my eyes
and she's all I can see.
490
00:15:52,037 --> 00:15:54,341
And she's staring at me
491
00:15:54,341 --> 00:15:55,678
with her blonde updo.
492
00:15:55,678 --> 00:15:59,519
I feel like the town hall
went fine.
493
00:15:59,519 --> 00:16:01,121
It wasn't fine, Gwen.
494
00:16:01,121 --> 00:16:03,326
You know it didn't go fine.
495
00:16:03,326 --> 00:16:05,598
They're acting like they were
gonna carry me out of town
496
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:08,570
on a pitchfork
like a big steak nugget.
497
00:16:08,570 --> 00:16:11,175
But they got distracted
by the food in the end.
498
00:16:11,175 --> 00:16:13,312
I don't think they'll
remember what happened.
499
00:16:13,312 --> 00:16:14,716
It's just,
everyone's on her side.
500
00:16:14,716 --> 00:16:17,387
I'm not gonna win this.
I can't win this.
501
00:16:17,387 --> 00:16:21,128
Are you giving up?
Evan Marquez giving up.
502
00:16:21,128 --> 00:16:24,067
We have her right where
we want her, man. [claps]
503
00:16:25,069 --> 00:16:27,073
- How?
- Do you ever wonder why
504
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:29,244
her restaurants
are all cash only?
505
00:16:29,244 --> 00:16:30,781
All right, let's go
right in the cleavage.
506
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:32,317
There we go.
507
00:16:32,317 --> 00:16:34,121
This is just so crazy
to wear a wire.
508
00:16:34,121 --> 00:16:36,559
It's the only way out of this,
buddy, seriously.
509
00:16:36,559 --> 00:16:39,197
[Evan] Okay, explain
the tax fraud thing to me again
510
00:16:39,197 --> 00:16:42,070
'cause I only get about 40%
of any conversation about money.
511
00:16:42,070 --> 00:16:43,574
All right.
512
00:16:43,574 --> 00:16:45,410
It's simple but complicated
at the same time, right?
513
00:16:45,410 --> 00:16:47,548
Biggest restaurant in Austin.
514
00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:50,521
Arguably the fanciest.
Cash only.
515
00:16:50,521 --> 00:16:52,625
Why do you think that is?
It's obvious.
516
00:16:52,625 --> 00:16:54,562
They're skimming
right off the top.
517
00:16:54,562 --> 00:16:56,298
Cooking the books. Okay?
518
00:16:56,298 --> 00:16:58,637
And their cover is
that they donate to the school.
519
00:16:58,637 --> 00:17:02,177
It throws the IRS off the scent.
It's fraud. It's bad.
520
00:17:02,177 --> 00:17:04,716
- It just sounds
like such a conspiracy theory.
- I know, right?
521
00:17:04,716 --> 00:17:07,788
But all conspiracy theories
are 90% true.
522
00:17:20,647 --> 00:17:22,652
- You got this, Evan.
- [doorbell rings]
523
00:17:22,652 --> 00:17:24,856
- [barking]
- [Linda] Come on in,
Mr. Marquez.
524
00:17:24,856 --> 00:17:26,224
Hey.
525
00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:28,229
Oh, my Lord.
526
00:17:28,229 --> 00:17:29,599
Y'all hush.
527
00:17:29,599 --> 00:17:31,536
Hush, I said!
528
00:17:31,536 --> 00:17:32,772
[Evan]
Thanks so much
for agreeing to meet.
529
00:17:32,772 --> 00:17:34,408
Hey, Brad, Steven.
530
00:17:34,408 --> 00:17:36,412
You about to lose
your privileges.
531
00:17:36,412 --> 00:17:38,550
So many nice...
[clears throat] dogs.
532
00:17:38,550 --> 00:17:40,219
Lord have mercy,
you about to drive me to drink.
533
00:17:40,219 --> 00:17:41,656
It's a very, very
beautiful house. [chuckles]
534
00:17:41,656 --> 00:17:43,794
The recession was
very good to us.
535
00:17:43,794 --> 00:17:45,564
- Wasn't it, Kevin?
- Sorry, is there a way to--
536
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,434
- [whimpers]
- [Evan] I just wanted to be able
537
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,639
- to hear what you were saying.
- I can hear you just fine.
538
00:17:49,639 --> 00:17:51,475
- You said you wanted
a few minutes of my time...
- [dog howls]
539
00:17:51,475 --> 00:17:53,145
[clears throat]
Floor's yours.
540
00:17:53,145 --> 00:17:55,818
Yes. Uh, I was gonna say,
your restaurant,
541
00:17:55,818 --> 00:17:57,420
- the c-- the cash only--
- You know what?
542
00:17:57,420 --> 00:17:59,157
It's a wild pheasant
down by the fence line.
543
00:17:59,157 --> 00:18:00,761
That's what's making
these dogs nuts.
544
00:18:00,761 --> 00:18:02,565
- [dog whimpers]
- Come with me.
545
00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:04,134
- I got to do something.
- [racks shotgun]
546
00:18:04,134 --> 00:18:05,838
Oh, my God.
547
00:18:05,838 --> 00:18:08,309
So that is just
sitting there. Okay.
548
00:18:08,309 --> 00:18:11,114
- Ah!
- Damn. That fucker can move.
549
00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:14,187
You ever dealt with pheasant?
550
00:18:14,187 --> 00:18:15,591
So hard to kill,
551
00:18:15,591 --> 00:18:17,561
- and they don't even taste good.
- Yeah.
552
00:18:17,561 --> 00:18:21,434
Pheasant is definitely one
of my least favorite meats.
553
00:18:22,236 --> 00:18:25,243
You know, speaking of meat,
your restaurant was amazing.
554
00:18:25,243 --> 00:18:27,147
I thought it was so good
555
00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:28,817
and I, I thought it was cute
how you guys did
556
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:30,319
that cash-only thing.
557
00:18:30,319 --> 00:18:32,725
I was like, "Okay.
558
00:18:32,725 --> 00:18:35,296
Why would someone do a cash-only
thing?" 'Cause I was--
559
00:18:35,296 --> 00:18:36,465
Right, Mr. Marquez,
560
00:18:36,465 --> 00:18:37,868
let's just cut to the chase.
561
00:18:37,868 --> 00:18:39,438
I know you're here
to grovel for your job,
562
00:18:39,438 --> 00:18:40,607
but if you can just
change those grades,
563
00:18:40,607 --> 00:18:42,176
you won't have to.
564
00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:48,355
Yeah. I-I hear that.
565
00:18:48,355 --> 00:18:50,293
College is real important
to our family,
566
00:18:50,293 --> 00:18:53,199
and Blake's GPA is right
on the cusp of dropping him
567
00:18:53,199 --> 00:18:55,436
to a lower level
of potential universities.
568
00:18:55,436 --> 00:18:57,273
[sighs]
569
00:18:57,273 --> 00:19:00,614
We need him in a good college,
like his older brother.
570
00:19:00,614 --> 00:19:02,618
His older brother.
Your gay son.
571
00:19:02,618 --> 00:19:05,624
[coughs]
My son.
572
00:19:05,624 --> 00:19:07,494
Part of me wants to ask
if you still think
573
00:19:07,494 --> 00:19:10,868
that just by being
his out-gay teacher,
574
00:19:10,868 --> 00:19:13,607
I turned him gay,
but I would hope you're
575
00:19:13,607 --> 00:19:16,478
evolved enough by now
to realize that's not possible.
576
00:19:16,478 --> 00:19:17,848
Well...
577
00:19:17,848 --> 00:19:20,219
I certainly think
he was encouraged.
578
00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:24,227
- [gunshot]
- Ah!
579
00:19:26,298 --> 00:19:27,635
[sighs]
Anyway,
580
00:19:27,635 --> 00:19:29,739
he is thriving at school.
581
00:19:29,739 --> 00:19:31,643
Do you talk to him at all?
582
00:19:31,643 --> 00:19:33,647
Of course I talk to him.
He's my son.
583
00:19:33,647 --> 00:19:35,717
And I love him, and...
[sighs]
584
00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:38,489
...despite what you think
I think about his preferences,
585
00:19:38,489 --> 00:19:39,859
I love him no matter what.
586
00:19:39,859 --> 00:19:40,994
And as long as he keeps it
out of Austin,
587
00:19:40,994 --> 00:19:42,496
it's fine by me.
588
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,338
Why would he need
to keep it out of Austin?
589
00:19:46,338 --> 00:19:48,877
Austin's a perfectly
gay-friendly place.
590
00:19:48,877 --> 00:19:50,647
Not the circles I run in.
591
00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:52,785
They don't understand, so...
592
00:19:52,785 --> 00:19:54,287
I'm not gonna have
my life turned upside down
593
00:19:54,287 --> 00:19:55,757
'cause of something like that.
594
00:19:57,426 --> 00:19:59,497
You have a secret.
595
00:20:01,001 --> 00:20:02,805
A woman like me has
many secrets.
596
00:20:02,805 --> 00:20:04,007
No, I mean,
597
00:20:04,007 --> 00:20:05,677
you have a secret,
598
00:20:05,677 --> 00:20:07,815
like the fact that your son
is gay is a secret.
599
00:20:07,815 --> 00:20:09,752
For you.
600
00:20:09,752 --> 00:20:13,627
Like, you're scared if you told
the people in your life this,
601
00:20:13,627 --> 00:20:16,397
that they would kick you out
of your whole social structure.
602
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:19,839
Well, exactly.
So you do understand.
603
00:20:19,839 --> 00:20:22,911
Yeah, I do. I just...
604
00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:28,488
I wonder if you realize that's
exactly how your son feels.
605
00:20:29,290 --> 00:20:31,061
He feels like he has
this thing about him
606
00:20:31,061 --> 00:20:32,598
that if he told
the wrong people,
607
00:20:32,598 --> 00:20:35,704
would get him kicked out
of his life, right?
608
00:20:35,704 --> 00:20:36,940
And that's how you're feeling,
609
00:20:36,940 --> 00:20:39,010
and that's how
I felt growing up.
610
00:20:42,818 --> 00:20:44,822
So we're all feeling
the same thing.
611
00:20:45,824 --> 00:20:47,293
See what I'm saying?
612
00:20:50,099 --> 00:20:52,971
Wow, you really healed me.
Thanks.
613
00:20:53,973 --> 00:20:55,544
- Oh.
- [sighs]
614
00:20:55,544 --> 00:20:56,679
- [water splashes]
- [laughs]
615
00:20:56,679 --> 00:20:58,015
I got him.
616
00:20:58,015 --> 00:21:00,553
Oh, right between
his beady little eyes.
617
00:21:01,656 --> 00:21:04,829
Um, why don't you just...
618
00:21:04,829 --> 00:21:06,431
let 'em redo the essay?
619
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:07,968
You don't have
to change the grades,
620
00:21:07,968 --> 00:21:11,341
and then whichever one is
better, you count that one.
621
00:21:11,341 --> 00:21:13,312
Yeah, that's reasonable.
622
00:21:13,312 --> 00:21:14,848
Great.
623
00:21:17,521 --> 00:21:19,825
You know, it was a good thing
that you were recording
624
00:21:19,825 --> 00:21:22,030
that whole conversation
and now you can just go back
625
00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:25,504
and listen to that little speech
you gave whenever you want.
626
00:21:25,504 --> 00:21:28,843
["She Drives Me Crazy" by
Fine Young Cannibals playing]
627
00:21:28,843 --> 00:21:30,514
And, guys,
before I wrap up class,
628
00:21:30,514 --> 00:21:32,483
I wanted to say I'm gonna
give you all a redo
629
00:21:32,483 --> 00:21:33,787
on your Red Badge
of Courage essays
630
00:21:33,787 --> 00:21:35,757
to try to get a better grade.
631
00:21:35,757 --> 00:21:37,360
I believe in second chances.
632
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:38,630
So, congratulations.
633
00:21:38,630 --> 00:21:40,767
- [Gwen shouts]
- Oh, my God.
634
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:41,969
[Gwen coughing]
635
00:21:44,875 --> 00:21:46,378
[groans]
Sorry.
636
00:21:46,378 --> 00:21:49,785
[chuckles] God, I got turned
around up there.
637
00:21:49,785 --> 00:21:52,390
Were you trying to catch
your students cheating?
638
00:21:52,390 --> 00:21:53,526
Yeah. Yeah.
639
00:21:53,526 --> 00:21:55,062
I didn't catch anyone cheating.
640
00:21:55,062 --> 00:21:56,866
Basically, all the kids are
just watching Snapchat.
641
00:21:56,866 --> 00:21:59,070
That's what I figured out.
642
00:21:59,070 --> 00:22:00,908
[clicks lips]
I got to get out of here.
643
00:22:00,908 --> 00:22:02,644
Class dismissed.
644
00:22:03,713 --> 00:22:05,751
[grunting]
Come on, now.
645
00:22:05,751 --> 00:22:06,953
I got you.
646
00:22:06,953 --> 00:22:08,155
Okay.
647
00:22:08,155 --> 00:22:09,959
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
648
00:22:09,959 --> 00:22:11,963
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
649
00:22:11,963 --> 00:22:14,568
♪ Like no one else ♪
650
00:22:14,568 --> 00:22:16,071
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
651
00:22:16,071 --> 00:22:18,677
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
652
00:22:18,677 --> 00:22:22,349
♪ And I can't help myself ♪
653
00:22:23,418 --> 00:22:25,455
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
654
00:22:42,824 --> 00:22:45,429
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
655
00:22:45,429 --> 00:22:47,100
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
656
00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:49,705
♪ Like no one else ♪
657
00:22:49,705 --> 00:22:51,709
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
658
00:22:51,709 --> 00:23:03,098
♪ She drives me crazy
and I can't help myself. ♪