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["Just What I Needed"
by The Cars playing]
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♪♪ I don't mind you coming here ♪
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♪♪ Wasting all my time... ♪
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Mirror! Why? Why?
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God. Fucking buttons.
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♪♪ And talking in your sleep ♪
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♪♪ I guess you're just
what I needed ♪
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[Evan]
Siri, text Malcolm.
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Hey, Malcolm, comma,
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I'm at this fun teacher's
conference thing in Dallas,
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comma, you should come. Period.
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I have a hotel room
with a view of, like,
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the parking lot, LOL. Period.
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Obviously, we can have sex
and stuff, too. Period."
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Hi. Yo!
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- Hey.
- Dallas Teachers
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and Learning Conference.
- [laughs] Hey.
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- [Markie] Coming in.
- [Evan] Yeah.
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- Most fun weekend of the year.
- Coming in.
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Free hotel,
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free continental breakfast,
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everybody saying teachers are
the real heroes.
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You want to meet a real hero,
get rescued by the SWAT team.
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How would I get in a situation
where I'd have
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to get rescued by the SWAT team?
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Yeah, right?
Why do we need to learn...
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- I'd have to drive my car
off a bridge?
- Right.
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What does the SWAT team do?
They kill people?
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- What do they do?
- Oh, there he is!
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You excited
for your speech tomorrow?
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- [Grant] I'm ready,
I'm ready, I'm ready.
- [overlapping chatter]
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- The speech!
- [Gwen] Oh, God.
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His big speech.
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[quietly]
It is so bad.
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He has jokes in there...
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that are so not funny.
Look at this.
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"Arnold Schwarzenegger voice:
I'll teach math." Oh, my God.
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[Gwen]
And it says,
"hold for ha, ha, ha."
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We need to do some punch-ups.
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[speaker]
Hello, everyone.
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It's been a very hard start
to the year,
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in fiscal terms.
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And I'll be blunt.
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When it comes
to the teacher's pension fund,
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we're approaching
what I would generously call
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a worst-case scenario.
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Damn, girl.
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Thank God I don't have to worry
about that pension shit.
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I got my money doing
other things,
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if you know what I mean.
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You know you still have
a pension.
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It happens automatically.
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Shut up, dude.
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[speaker 2]
Post-COVID,
20 to 25% of students
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are, in a sense, hopeless.
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[scoffs] Oof.
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So, yes, we are starting
to encourage teachers
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to get a second full-time job.
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A second full-time job?
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Teachers can now be sued
by their students,
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- and here's why that's bad.
- Damn.
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Students are striking teachers,
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either with their fists
or blunt objects, 30%...
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Is it all bad news this year?
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- Man, I wish.
- There's a fucking viral video
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of one of these kids
beating my ass.
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This is so depressing.
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I feel like teaching
is just over.
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Did we choose
a dying profession?
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No, I think a dying profession
chose us.
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[Rick]
Hey, hey! Yo, you guys
got to meet Mitch.
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Get this, he might be
our new coworker soon.
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He likes football.
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- Oh, exciting.
- Oh, cool.
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Mitch. Mitch. Good to meet you.
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Nice to meet you.
That's so exciting.
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What'd you interview for?
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For new P.E. teacher
and athletic director.
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The new P.E. teacher?
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Yeah, I met with, um,
Grant, uh, Mariachi?
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- Grant Moretti.
- Principal Moretti.
- [Mitch] Grant Moretti. Yeah.
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It went really well. [chuckles]
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Wait, but did you interview to
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be an-an additional P.E. teacher
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or to replace the one
that's there?
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Replacement. Replacement.
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[Markie]
Arms up. Right in the middle.
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Right? Now you got
the ball, right?
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- No.
- We got to--
Take-take our spots in line.
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Uh, sick.
Told you these guys rock.
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- Beer or tequila? Yes!
- Both.
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- So insane.
- So sad.
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- I really hope
this is not the case.
- Grant.
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- Oh, fuck.
- [knocking on door]
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- Yes?
- [Evan] Hey.
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Are you firing Markie?
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- That's complex.
- [Evan] Wait.
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You're already in a robe?
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Yes. Yes.
When I check into a hotel,
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I get into my robe immediately.
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It's one of
life's little pleasures.
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Plus, I got the room upgrade,
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so there's a steam shower
in there.
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- Thank you.
- Wait, are you
firing Markie or not?
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[sighs]
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You know what? There are
certain things that my job
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requires me to do that I might
not necessarily want to do.
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- You're firing Markie.
- Oh, my God. Oh, shit.
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Oh, God. Gwendolyn,
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Evan, let's not make this
any more complicated
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than it already is,
all right? The end.
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Now, can you
leave me alone, please?
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Wait. Uh, we had a couple
thoughts about your speech.
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Oh. All right,
what are those thoughts?
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Some of the jokes are bad
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- or not hitting.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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I'm not doing this right now.
No, thank you.
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- But if we just helped you
just a little bit?
- I'm having robe time.
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We'll talk about this at dinner.
Goodbye.
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What do you think happens
during robe time?
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Probably watches Extra
with Mario Lopez.
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[Evan]
Grant was acting
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- so weird.
- I know. He's acting
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- like he's hiding a hooker.
- Evan?
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- Oh, my God, Pasha!
- Holy shit.
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Dude, how are you?
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Talk about a blast
from the past.
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- [laughs]
- This is Pasha.
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This is one of my best friends
from college.
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- Hi. What's up?
- [Pasha] Hey. Nice to meet you.
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- [Evan] Dude.
- You're here with what?
Sourcely?
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Yeah, we, uh, we bang off,
like ten of these things a year.
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- [chuckles]
- Whoa.
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What does, uh, Sourcely do?
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There's, like, a giant market
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for unused grid power,
and so what we do
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is corporate-side
energy arbitrage.
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- Mm. Yeah, yeah.
- So, we work with, like,
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municipalities,
commercial real estate,
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even some residential.
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Oh, yeah, for sure.
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Yeah. Five to seven years,
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someone's gonna come out on top
of this sector.
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Might as well be us.
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- Exactly. [laughs] Yeah.
- [Gwen] Exactly, yeah.
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[clears throat]
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Wait, wait, is this wifey?
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[laughs] No. I'm still gay.
This is Gwen,
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- my best friend.
- [Pasha and Gwen laugh]
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Well, you haven't
converted him yet.
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- [both laugh]
- I'm trying.
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I'm trying to get him
in the sack.
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Oh, I love that.
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Yeah. We work together.
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We're, um, we're-we're teachers.
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- Oh, nice.
- [Gwen] We're teachers.
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[Pasha]
Teachers. Wow.
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Yeah, I got to say,
you guys are the real heroes.
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- [chuckles]
- Thank you.
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Hey, listen, I got to peace out,
but let's link tonight.
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Yeah, let's hang out.
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You guys want
some swag bags?
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- [Gwen] Hell yeah.
- [Evan] Really?
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God, I love swag bags.
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- We don't get swag bags.
- Oh, my God.
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All right, cool. Well, listen,
I'll message you,
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and we'll-we'll
hang tonight, probably.
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Yeah, yeah, let's let it rip.
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Wow.
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I can't picture you guys
being friends.
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He's so business-y.
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He does this thing
when he's drunk.
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He just shows you his dick,
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- and it's like...
- Oh, you love that.
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If you decrease the amount
of education being administered,
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you'll also be
decreasing burnout.
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And isn't that, after all,
what we're all
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trying to do?
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How often do you go up to Grant
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and, like, tell him that
you appreciate him as a boss?
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Why?
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Good vibes, job security, whatever.
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Grant would never have the balls
to fire me. Dude's a coward.
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You remember the chem teacher,
Mrs. Davison?
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She missed, like, three months
last year. Kept her job.
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She was on maternity leave.
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[Rick]
Have you guys seen her baby?
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It's so tall, freaks me out.
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I had to block her on Instagram.
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It looks like Slender Man.
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And now, I'll take any questions
you may have
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about student burnout.
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What is going on?
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These seminars
are bumming me out, man.
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Mmm. This chicken piccata
is flames. Phew.
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Might have to order another.
Hey, papi.
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You're gonna get another one?
You shouldn't even eat that one.
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It looks undercooked.
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I asked for it that way.
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Chicken's like salmon,
you want the pink part
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- to be room temp, hon.
- Okay, hon.
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Grant, these jokes.
"Teachers lounge:
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yeah, they sure do"? What?
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[Gwen]
That's in there,
like, four times.
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It's called a callback.
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Call back that joke.
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00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,869
Evan, Gwendolyn,
I know my audience.
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I know what I'm doing.
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Well, if you don't want
to rework the jokes,
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maybe we can just cut them.
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It doesn't have to be, like,
a comedy speech.
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00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:48,742
No. He doesn't have
to lose the jokes
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00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,477
if he's willing to lose
the entire speech.
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This is, like,
a page one rewrite, at best.
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- Markie.
- I mean, he means, like,
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yeah, there's still time
to polish it.
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They're saying it can be good.
It has potential to be good.
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[Markie]
Yeah, polish this part
about how you
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00:07:01,621 --> 00:07:03,723
-"love driving
through car washes."
- Mm-hmm.
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00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,359
What does that have to do
with being a principal?
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I get, I get to it at the end.
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Just read on, read on.
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I mean, this reads
like you can't read.
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- [whispers] Markie.
- [Markie] Like you assigned
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00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,100
a bunch of kids in detention
to write it for you.
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Wait.
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00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:17,604
My cousin created
his own version of ChatGPT
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00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:20,040
to write a more fucked-up
version of Breaking Bad, dude.
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You can use that
for your speech.
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That's it. I'm--
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- I'm done eating,
thank you very much.
- [scoffs]
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- Thank you very much.
- Grant.
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I mean, what's he gonna do?
Fire me?
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[Markie chuckles]
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[sighs]
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Oh, my God.
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[groans]
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00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:41,528
- Hey, queen.
- [screams] Oh, my God.
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00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:43,330
- What's up?
- Whoa, Malcolm.
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- Hi.
- Oh, my God.
I forgot I invited you.
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- [scoffs] Okay, thank you.
- Hi.
242
00:07:47,201 --> 00:07:49,103
Sorry. I'm, like, exhausted.
243
00:07:49,103 --> 00:07:51,105
We had this crazy day
where we were, like,
244
00:07:51,105 --> 00:07:52,839
we were at all
these seminars and, like,
245
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:56,276
every seminar is like,
"This is why teaching
246
00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:58,979
is worse than it's ever been,"
and, "Here's how to deal
247
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,081
with your students hitting you."
248
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,617
And it was like, "Oh, my God."
249
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,686
- Oh, no.
- What?
250
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:08,188
I came here to fuck
and order room service.
251
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,890
I drove, like, three hours,
and now you're
252
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:13,427
talking about "Am I living
the life I'm supposed to live?"
253
00:08:13,427 --> 00:08:16,063
Like... [groans]
254
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,464
No, but I'm serious. Like...
255
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,433
Just talk to me
for a second, okay?
256
00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:22,069
Do you really think
I should be a teacher?
257
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,870
Like, is it worth it?
258
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:27,073
Am I like that guy pushing
the boulder up the hill?
259
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:29,342
- What's his name?
- Robert?
260
00:08:34,581 --> 00:08:36,116
Question eight.
Name the five types
261
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:37,251
of proteins available
on the Chipotle menu.
262
00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:39,619
- Okay, lamb--
- Immediately no.
263
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:41,622
What was the question
to number three? 'Cause we wrote
264
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,190
"James Madison,"
and then we crossed it out
265
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,691
and put "Run-DMC."
That can't be right.
266
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,161
You should come down
to the batting cages, man.
267
00:08:47,161 --> 00:08:48,562
I know the guy there.
268
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:50,030
He'll let me unplug the machine.
I can just...
269
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,097
And then I would just...
[clicking tongue]
270
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:52,165
[Markie]
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
271
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:53,834
Socking dingers all day!
272
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:56,904
This is so crazy. He's, like,
talking to his replacement,
273
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:58,339
and he doesn't even know.
274
00:08:58,339 --> 00:09:00,040
Oh, my God. We have to do
something about it.
275
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,808
He's gonna figure this out later
and be like,
276
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:03,143
"You guys didn't tell me?"
277
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:04,144
I don't want to be the one
to tell him.
278
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,479
[Gwen]
Well, me neither.
279
00:09:05,479 --> 00:09:06,780
I feel like that's kind of
a job for Grant,
280
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,181
if we're gonna be honest 'cause
281
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,116
- he's the principal.
- He's the principal.
282
00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:10,183
Okay, good. It was good
283
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,519
working through that with you.
284
00:09:11,519 --> 00:09:12,820
- [Polly] Next question...
- [phone whooshes]
285
00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:13,654
[Gwen]
Who are you texting?
286
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:14,555
That guy Pasha.
287
00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:15,789
Pasha? Who's that?
288
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:17,591
You know that company Sourcely
he works for?
289
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,727
- [Gwen and Rick] Yeah.
- They're doing some huge party.
290
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,428
Look, light-up dance floor.
291
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:23,364
- Oh, my God. We're--
- I think I'm gonna
sneak out and go.
292
00:09:23,364 --> 00:09:25,432
- You guys stay here.
- Yeah, we'll come with you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
293
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:26,767
- Let's go. A little party.
- I would love, I would love to.
294
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:27,801
This trivia's impossible.
295
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:29,036
Your mom still in the picture?
296
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:31,271
We don't talk much,
you know? But...
297
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,006
Markie, we're going to a party.
Come with us.
298
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,141
Hoes before bros.
299
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,175
[both laugh]
300
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,277
I'm so glad we met.
301
00:09:36,277 --> 00:09:37,344
[grunts] I'm gonna text you.
302
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:39,179
All right, later, losers.
303
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,314
We're gonna party
with rich people. [laughs]
304
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,850
♪♪ You've got the touch ♪
305
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:45,552
♪♪ Of love... ♪
306
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:48,122
[laughs] Ring-a-ding-ding.
There he is.
307
00:09:48,122 --> 00:09:50,724
- The king has arrived.
- [both laugh]
308
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:53,527
Uh, hey, Dan, Eileen, come
over here. Meet my boy Evan.
309
00:09:53,527 --> 00:09:55,930
- What's up, man? Dan.
- [Pasha] This guy was such
310
00:09:55,930 --> 00:09:57,931
a legend back in college.
311
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,566
Yeah, let me tell you,
when Spring Fling got cancelled,
312
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,769
he single-handedly found
this sick-ass warehouse
313
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,237
and convinced Passion Pit
to perform for free.
314
00:10:03,237 --> 00:10:05,639
- Passion Pit?
- Yeah, that was crazy.
315
00:10:05,639 --> 00:10:08,208
I can't believe they slept
on my nasty couch.
316
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,644
Damn, that couch sounds nasty.
317
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,612
Yuck.
318
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,782
This is Rick, guys,
sorry, we work together.
319
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,317
I just want to say that
320
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,420
I-I indubitably love
what you guys are doing
321
00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:21,855
in terms of solar
and those such things.
322
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:23,157
- Wow. Well, uh...
- [Dan] Thank you.
323
00:10:23,157 --> 00:10:24,858
Indub-Indubitably thank you.
324
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:26,259
[all laugh]
325
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:27,627
Yeah, but what you guys do,
honestly, like,
326
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,429
teaching and shit,
I mean, that is so noble.
327
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:30,564
- [Dan] So freaking noble.
- [Pasha] You know, you know,
328
00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:32,365
we need bad-ass educators
like you
329
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:33,800
to teach the next gen
how to think critically
330
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:34,969
because there's so much
dis-info out there.
331
00:10:34,969 --> 00:10:36,036
- Preach.
- Preach!
332
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:37,204
Oh, thanks. Yeah, I-I mostly,
333
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,606
I feel like my job
334
00:10:38,606 --> 00:10:40,073
is just telling kids
to put their phones away.
335
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,543
[laughter]
336
00:10:42,543 --> 00:10:43,877
Whereas, I, um,
337
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:46,513
am more... that's...
School stuff is a side hustle.
338
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:49,950
- I'm more of a-a successful
business consultant.
- Oh.
339
00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:52,319
- You want to go grab a drink?
- Oh, yeah. Let's do it.
340
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,021
- I'm empty.
- [Dan] Tell me a little more
341
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,388
about this, uh, business card.
342
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,792
"Businessman extraordinaire,
CEO."
343
00:10:57,792 --> 00:10:59,226
You put "bitch" on there.
344
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:01,194
Yeah, we keep it weird
in Austin. [laughs]
345
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:02,829
Do you guys ever go to The Moth?
346
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,965
♪ ♪
347
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,867
I got four dogs,
four dog walkers.
348
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,002
- Wow.
- Plus, my boss
349
00:11:08,002 --> 00:11:09,270
lets me work at home a ton.
350
00:11:09,270 --> 00:11:11,004
My new home office is sick.
351
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,239
You bought a house?
352
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:13,941
Yeah, I bought it last fall,
in cash.
353
00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:16,043
- [laughs]
- [sighs] The dream, man.
354
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:17,611
I haven't even
355
00:11:17,611 --> 00:11:20,414
been able to think about buying
a house, honestly.
356
00:11:20,414 --> 00:11:22,215
Can barely get enough money
scraped up
357
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:24,151
to even put anything
in my savings.
358
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,253
Everybody's always
judging capitalism,
359
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:29,022
and it's like, well,
what are you gonna do? Die poor?
360
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,859
No. It's disgusting. You know,
361
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,295
we need good people at Sourcely.
362
00:11:34,295 --> 00:11:36,764
[laughs] That's so nice. Thanks.
363
00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:37,998
No, I don't... I mean,
364
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,100
I wouldn't know anything
about solar...
365
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:43,904
uh, municipal arbit--
What is it? Arbitration?
366
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:46,072
[laughs] Arbitrage.
Yeah, who cares?
367
00:11:46,072 --> 00:11:47,641
All you have to do
is know about people,
368
00:11:47,641 --> 00:11:49,610
and you know people.
369
00:11:49,610 --> 00:11:50,978
You just say the word,
370
00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:53,179
and we can start having
this conversation for real.
371
00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:56,750
[Rick]
We need to get one of these tubs
at the school.
372
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:59,419
Can't afford pencils, Rick.
We're not gonna get a hot tub.
373
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:01,054
Duh, can't afford pencils.
374
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,222
[laughs]
375
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,824
What's up with you? You good?
376
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,692
I don't know. [laughs]
377
00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:07,561
You guys ever think about
what your life would be like
378
00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:10,263
if you did something
completely different for work?
379
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:11,532
- Dude, yes.
- [Grant] Oh, go to one
380
00:12:11,532 --> 00:12:13,466
fancy party,
and all of a sudden,
381
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,769
you're questioning
your whole life, huh?
382
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,938
It's all fool's gold, boys.
383
00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,439
Fool's gold is still gold.
384
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:22,242
What would you do
if you suddenly had, like,
385
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,645
a ton of free time?
386
00:12:24,645 --> 00:12:26,480
Like, so much.
387
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,549
Probably get back
into fighting shape.
388
00:12:28,549 --> 00:12:30,817
- That's cool.
- [Markie] Yeah.
389
00:12:30,817 --> 00:12:32,319
- Why?
- [Gwen] No reason.
390
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,588
Will you come over here?
I feel like I'm shouting at you.
391
00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:37,124
I'm in. No, I'm in.
This is-- I'm fine.
392
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,859
What are you, afraid?
Can't swim?
393
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:41,028
[laughs] Who told you that?
394
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:42,162
What?
395
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:43,597
I can't swim.
396
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,699
Oh, wait, no, I was kidding.
Are you serious?
397
00:12:45,699 --> 00:12:47,267
It's not something
I'm proud of, okay?
398
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,503
Wait, but you coach
the swim team.
399
00:12:49,503 --> 00:12:52,273
I know. I-- It's like it's
a different skillset entirely,
400
00:12:52,273 --> 00:12:54,407
all right? It's-- You don't see
Belichick out there
401
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:55,175
running...
402
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:56,710
routes and wearing pads
403
00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:57,978
and whatnot. Look...
404
00:12:57,978 --> 00:12:59,246
It would mean a lot
405
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:00,514
if you just
kept this between us.
406
00:13:00,514 --> 00:13:02,817
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay. Thank you.
407
00:13:02,817 --> 00:13:04,818
Maybe I can teach you
408
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:07,688
once Nick finishes building
the pool at our house.
409
00:13:07,688 --> 00:13:09,456
I would love that.
410
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,425
Do you think it's normal
for, like, an unemployed man
411
00:13:11,425 --> 00:13:15,195
to be spending all of his time
digging a pool by hand?
412
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,230
What does normal even mean
these days?
413
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:19,833
I don't think
it's normal at all.
414
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:22,169
Sorry, I've
never said that out loud,
415
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,504
- so just don't...
- No, no, no, hey.
416
00:13:23,504 --> 00:13:25,272
...like, tell anybody
that I said that.
417
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:27,608
You could tell me pretty much
anything at this point.
418
00:13:27,608 --> 00:13:28,542
I'm a vault.
419
00:13:28,542 --> 00:13:30,343
All I'm saying is
there's a reason
420
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,412
you guys ended up
in this profession.
421
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:35,149
The only reason
I'm a guidance counselor is...
422
00:13:35,149 --> 00:13:36,783
because, when
I was in high school,
423
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,952
my guidance counselor asked what
I wanted to do for a living.
424
00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:40,287
I couldn't think of anything,
425
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:41,522
so I just said,
"Guidance counselor."
426
00:13:41,522 --> 00:13:42,923
- Mm.
- [Rick] Then I had to go get
427
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:44,224
my damn master's.
428
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:46,093
That was four years of my life.
429
00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:48,161
I mean, I don't want to make it
seem like I don't love teaching,
430
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,997
like, I love teaching so much.
431
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:52,866
It's the meaning of my life.
432
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:54,735
I just feel like...
433
00:13:54,735 --> 00:13:56,637
it's getting harder. Isn't it?
434
00:13:56,637 --> 00:13:57,804
Of course it is.
435
00:13:57,804 --> 00:14:00,241
These kids, they're-they're...
436
00:14:00,241 --> 00:14:03,243
I don't know.
COVID did something, man.
437
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:06,847
- Got everybody dead.
- I can't get classes in line.
438
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:09,016
Kids are making up diseases.
439
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,350
They're hooking up everywhere.
440
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,919
[Grant]
You think it'll be any easier
441
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:14,221
when you are doing
anything else?
442
00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:16,590
You'll always be meeting
with hurdles,
443
00:14:16,590 --> 00:14:18,459
people you don't like
working with.
444
00:14:18,459 --> 00:14:20,627
Remember what's important--
445
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,329
the love of what you do,
446
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:23,797
the people that surround you,
447
00:14:23,797 --> 00:14:25,198
the people that support you.
448
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:28,168
Good people make good teachers.
449
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:31,071
And, Evan, you are good people.
450
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,775
Good people are good teachers!
451
00:14:34,775 --> 00:14:37,143
That's your speech!
That's what you should say.
452
00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:39,413
I'm done with your advice.
453
00:14:39,413 --> 00:14:41,882
I'm sticking with
the original speech, as written,
454
00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:43,117
and that's final.
455
00:14:43,117 --> 00:14:44,651
- [beeping]
- [Rick] All right, y'all,
456
00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:46,853
that's 30 minutes. We got
to get out now or we'll die.
457
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:48,221
Come on!
458
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:50,891
[singsongy]
Wakey-wakey.
459
00:14:50,891 --> 00:14:52,760
- Oh, my God.
- Wake up!
460
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:55,595
- Malcolm. Oh, my God.
- It's a beautiful day here
in Dallas, Texas.
461
00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:57,564
- We have, uh, clear skies today.
- Oh, my God.
462
00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,901
- Come on. I have
a good itinerary for us today.
- It's so early.
463
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,135
We're gonna go to Dealey Plaza
464
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,037
and see where JFK
got his shit rocked.
465
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:05,906
I can't go to Dealey Plaza,
Malcolm.
466
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:08,742
I have to, like,
do conference stuff.
467
00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:09,776
I'm at a teachers' conference.
468
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,011
Ew. Why?
469
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,245
What are you talking about?
470
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,380
I'm not on vacation.
471
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:14,582
This is, like, a work event.
472
00:15:14,582 --> 00:15:17,150
[chuckles]
Then why am I here?
473
00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:20,553
Girl, I don't know.
Why are you here?
474
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:21,622
[chuckles]
475
00:15:21,622 --> 00:15:22,823
Are you kidding?
476
00:15:22,823 --> 00:15:24,324
Are you actually kidding?
477
00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:26,092
I did not mean it like that.
I just mean, like--
478
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,161
Don't make me feel stupid.
479
00:15:27,161 --> 00:15:28,595
You invited me, remember?
480
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,164
I feel like we've had
this conversation,
481
00:15:30,164 --> 00:15:31,565
like, 50 times before.
482
00:15:31,565 --> 00:15:33,500
You can't just, like,
do everything your way
483
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,569
all the time.
You have to consider me.
484
00:15:35,569 --> 00:15:37,070
Yes, but, Malcolm,
that is something
485
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,605
that boyfriends say
to each other.
486
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,207
And need I remind you
that we are not boyfriends?
487
00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:42,309
And there is a variety
of reasons for that.
488
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:44,511
But remember that
there have been many times
489
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:46,346
when I wanted to get back
into this relationship
490
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,582
when you did not want to get
back into this relationship.
491
00:15:48,582 --> 00:15:49,816
Okay. Yeah.
492
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:53,787
Like, one time in
random-ass 2022 I rejected you.
493
00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:55,956
So you get to just be
an asshole to me forever?
494
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:57,324
That's how it works? Okay.
495
00:15:57,324 --> 00:15:59,593
Who the fuck is the one
that drove here
496
00:15:59,593 --> 00:16:01,294
to Dallas for you?
497
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,330
- I did that.
- You know what, this
conversation is over, actually,
498
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,432
because we are just gonna be
friends now.
499
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:08,135
We're gonna be friends
who do not fuck.
500
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:11,104
Because I am tired
of these confusing,
501
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:14,141
lovey-dovey, boyfy-boyfy vibes.
502
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:16,677
"Boyfy-boyfy"?
[chuckles] Ew.
503
00:16:16,677 --> 00:16:18,312
Ew. Whatever.
504
00:16:18,312 --> 00:16:20,046
You're right, you're right.
But don't expect me
505
00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:22,349
to drive you to urgent care
at 3:00 a.m.
506
00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:23,851
because you think
you have "full-body cancer."
507
00:16:23,851 --> 00:16:26,520
- I won't,
because we're just friends.
- Perfect.
508
00:16:27,321 --> 00:16:28,455
- I love that.
- [door opens]
509
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:30,157
Evan, are you tipping the maid?
510
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:31,691
Oh, hey, Malcolm!
511
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,126
Hey, Gwen.
512
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,062
Why does it feel weird in here?
513
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,396
Are you guys mad at me?
514
00:16:41,635 --> 00:16:43,336
- Ev. [chuckles] What's up,
my brother from another mother?
- Yo!
515
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,738
- [laughs]
- How's it going?
516
00:16:44,738 --> 00:16:46,106
We missed you last night, man.
517
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,741
[sighs]
The after-party was insane.
518
00:16:47,741 --> 00:16:50,177
We ended up at this total dive
bar that's, like, brand-new.
519
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:54,347
- Hell yeah. Yeah, this-this
brunch is so nice, man.
- Right?
520
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:55,749
Everything is top-notch here.
That's not prosecco.
521
00:16:55,749 --> 00:16:57,251
- That's champagne. [chuckles]
- Wow.
522
00:16:57,251 --> 00:16:58,886
Seafood towers-- all organic.
523
00:16:58,886 --> 00:17:01,155
Actually, most of that seafood's
out of the Indian Ocean.
524
00:17:01,155 --> 00:17:02,756
- So decadent.
- Yeah.
525
00:17:02,756 --> 00:17:05,492
Come on, Evan. I mean,
you're here, you showed up.
526
00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:06,893
What is this?
527
00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,462
Be real. Come on.
528
00:17:08,462 --> 00:17:10,230
You want to work at Sourcely.
529
00:17:11,765 --> 00:17:13,033
I'm-I'm...
530
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,635
- open to it. [chuckles]
- You're open?
531
00:17:14,635 --> 00:17:15,970
[chuckles]
Fuck yes!
532
00:17:15,970 --> 00:17:17,605
- [laughs]
- I'm not-- I'm not committing.
533
00:17:17,605 --> 00:17:19,139
- I'm just saying
I'm-I'm open to it.
- Okay, well, Evan,
534
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:20,474
I... [exhales sharply]
I am so pumped.
535
00:17:20,474 --> 00:17:22,243
I mean, your whole life
is gonna change.
536
00:17:22,243 --> 00:17:23,644
- This is gonna be great.
- [Rick] ...tried opening a loan
537
00:17:23,644 --> 00:17:25,712
- with my bank once, but...
- Oh, Rick is here.
538
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,215
My Discover Card used
to have a picture of a wolf,
539
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,450
but now it has a picture
of two horses.
540
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,386
- [laughs]
- [Eileen chuckles]
- [Pasha] Yeah.
541
00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:35,522
[chuckles] Dan, uh, invited him
over to pitch a couple of his...
542
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,190
[clears throat]
...business ideas.
543
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:39,259
[chuckles] Yeah, it's cool
that you're nice to him.
544
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,428
It's obvious
he's got a couple screws loose.
545
00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,664
- [chuckles]
- Oh, you guys
are making fun of him?
546
00:17:43,664 --> 00:17:45,165
No, I'm just--
547
00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,034
You brought my friend here
to make fun of him?
548
00:17:47,034 --> 00:17:48,535
Well...
[chuckles] No.
549
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,504
- I-- Pfft.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
550
00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:52,206
- Evan, come on.
- So, it's basically
551
00:17:52,206 --> 00:17:54,575
like DoorDash,
except you're hiring someone
552
00:17:54,575 --> 00:17:56,977
to hang out with your weird
and lonely grandma.
553
00:17:56,977 --> 00:18:00,047
- Oh, yeah. Our investment team
is gonna love that.
- [Evan] Sorry,
554
00:18:00,047 --> 00:18:01,014
what-what is this?
555
00:18:01,014 --> 00:18:02,182
Uh, Rick's pitching us--
556
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:03,483
Wait, what's it called again?
557
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:04,551
GrannyGrabber.
558
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,386
[chuckles]
Why's it called that?
559
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:08,122
Because you're grabbing
your granny's heart.
560
00:18:08,122 --> 00:18:10,123
[Dan and Eileen laughing]
561
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:11,659
- [chuckles] What's funny?
- [laughing continues]
562
00:18:11,659 --> 00:18:14,294
You guys know Rick has
a real fucking job.
563
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:17,130
He's a college counselor.
He helps kids get into college.
564
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,867
What do you guys do here again
at "Sourcely"?
565
00:18:19,867 --> 00:18:22,436
Okay, Evan, I already told you,
man. Energy arbitrage.
566
00:18:22,436 --> 00:18:24,037
- We find--
- That's not a real thing.
567
00:18:24,037 --> 00:18:25,639
Nobody's ever heard
of energy arbitrage.
568
00:18:25,639 --> 00:18:27,241
That's, like,
the most conceptual thing
569
00:18:27,241 --> 00:18:29,076
I've ever heard of.
That's not a real job.
570
00:18:29,076 --> 00:18:30,477
- We're-we're leaving, Rick.
Come on.
- Dude, what are you doing to me?
571
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:31,945
- This is--
- Come on. Come on.
572
00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:32,980
And you act gay
when you're drunk!
573
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:34,714
Hey! I'm not done pitching!
574
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:37,251
Wait. Scuse me. I never actually
got to try one of these shrimps.
575
00:18:37,251 --> 00:18:39,252
- I'm gonna just take them. All.
- [Pasha] Hey, hey, Evan!
576
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:42,155
Hey, come on, man!
We shipped those clams in!
577
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,625
[elevator bell dings]
578
00:18:45,726 --> 00:18:48,595
Rick, I want you to know you're
cooler than all those people.
579
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:51,364
Yeah. No shit.
580
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,700
That's the most obvious shit
ever.
581
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,871
[speaker]
Let's give a warm welcome to one
of our keynote speakers.
582
00:18:56,871 --> 00:18:58,705
From Morrison-Hensley,
583
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,173
Principal Grant Moretti.
584
00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:02,442
- [whoops]
- [applause]
585
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:05,912
Thank you. Thank you.
586
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:08,149
Hi. Oh, my God, you're in time.
587
00:19:08,149 --> 00:19:09,617
- Seafood tower?
- [whispers] Yeah.
588
00:19:09,617 --> 00:19:11,652
- Don't worry about it.
- [Grant] I recall a-a...
589
00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:15,121
a story,
having met a very young teacher
590
00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:16,957
from Austria named Arnold.
591
00:19:16,957 --> 00:19:18,392
- [sighs]
- And I asked him,
592
00:19:18,392 --> 00:19:20,894
"Uh, what would
you want to teach?"
593
00:19:20,894 --> 00:19:22,529
After long, long consideration,
594
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:25,799
Arnold finally raises his hand
and answers...
595
00:19:25,799 --> 00:19:27,534
[à la Schwarzenegger]
"I'll teach math."
596
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:28,702
[laughter]
597
00:19:28,702 --> 00:19:30,538
[clapping]
598
00:19:30,538 --> 00:19:33,207
Now, you may not realize this
about me,
599
00:19:33,207 --> 00:19:36,209
but I love to drive
through the car wash.
600
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:37,511
[audience chuckling]
601
00:19:37,511 --> 00:19:39,213
I mean, there's nothing
like the freedom
602
00:19:39,213 --> 00:19:42,415
of ten minutes alone
in the tunnel of suds.
603
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:43,717
[laughter]
604
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,787
You guys, he's, like,
he's killing it.
605
00:19:46,787 --> 00:19:48,989
I know. He knows his audience.
606
00:19:48,989 --> 00:19:50,858
I knew he would do fine.
607
00:19:50,858 --> 00:19:52,293
Some of the most fulfilling
608
00:19:52,293 --> 00:19:54,795
and the greatest relationships
I have
609
00:19:54,795 --> 00:19:56,830
are with the teachers,
610
00:19:56,830 --> 00:19:59,032
who I consider my friends.
611
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,969
Good people make good teachers.
612
00:20:01,969 --> 00:20:03,570
And let's never forget that.
613
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:05,839
[birds chirping]
614
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,408
- [Gwen whispers]
You should say something.
- [whispers] You tell him.
615
00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:10,310
Y'all ever see these videos
of kids trying, like, lemons
616
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:12,146
- for the first time?
- Hey, Markie?
617
00:20:12,146 --> 00:20:14,214
- Hmm?
- [Evan clears throat] We wanted
to talk to you about this
618
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:18,485
concerning thing we heard
about your employment at school.
619
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:21,988
You heard rumors that I'm
thinking about leaving Morrison?
620
00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:23,056
Something like that.
621
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,557
In a sense, yeah.
622
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,528
Well, sounds to me
like my strategy is working.
623
00:20:27,528 --> 00:20:30,797
- Your strategy?
- I never told you guys
about this?
624
00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:33,834
- [Evan] No.
- Every year, I pretend to quit.
625
00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:36,537
Walk in Grant's office,
tell him I got a new job offer.
626
00:20:36,537 --> 00:20:38,138
But... I don't.
627
00:20:38,138 --> 00:20:40,540
And it j-- it just makes him
appreciate me more.
628
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:41,875
[Evan]
What?
629
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:44,377
That's the craziest
fucking thing I've ever heard.
630
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:45,713
The thing is, the poor guy
doesn't even realize
631
00:20:45,713 --> 00:20:46,780
how much he's being manipulated.
632
00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:48,148
I got to hit the road, y'all.
633
00:20:48,148 --> 00:20:49,984
I'm-a stop and visit my nana.
634
00:20:49,984 --> 00:20:51,285
Aw! Sweetie!
635
00:20:51,285 --> 00:20:53,821
Yeah, she owes me,
like, 400 bucks.
636
00:20:54,622 --> 00:20:56,123
- Later, y'all.
- Look, if we leave
637
00:20:56,123 --> 00:20:58,125
within the next ten minutes,
638
00:20:58,125 --> 00:21:00,027
we'll beat the heck out
of traffic.
639
00:21:00,027 --> 00:21:01,195
Grant, how much did you pack?
640
00:21:01,195 --> 00:21:02,696
Just everything I need.
641
00:21:02,696 --> 00:21:03,731
[Gwen]
Hey, Grant,
642
00:21:03,731 --> 00:21:05,132
don't replace Markie, okay?
643
00:21:05,132 --> 00:21:06,700
'Cause he doesn't have
a job offer.
644
00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:08,569
He's messing with you.
He's literally lying about it.
645
00:21:08,569 --> 00:21:09,536
Oh, I know that.
646
00:21:09,536 --> 00:21:11,205
- [Evan] You do?
- Of course I do.
647
00:21:11,205 --> 00:21:12,739
Every year, he pretends to quit.
648
00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:14,408
So, every year, I pretend
to look for his replacement.
649
00:21:14,408 --> 00:21:16,176
It's this little dance we do.
650
00:21:16,176 --> 00:21:18,579
That is so toxic.
651
00:21:18,579 --> 00:21:20,246
We were worried sick
all weekend.
652
00:21:20,246 --> 00:21:22,082
- I mean, at least--
- Rick, why are you wearing
653
00:21:22,082 --> 00:21:23,317
all that Sourcely gear?
654
00:21:23,317 --> 00:21:24,785
Those people were
making fun of you.
655
00:21:24,785 --> 00:21:26,153
Dude, no.
656
00:21:26,153 --> 00:21:28,155
That's just how we joke around, buddy.
657
00:21:28,155 --> 00:21:29,990
I'm pretty sure
they were making fun of you.
658
00:21:29,990 --> 00:21:31,925
Oh, my God,
you look like Neo.
659
00:21:31,925 --> 00:21:33,460
I'll see you guys.
660
00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:35,429
Yo, Mitch! What's up, player?
661
00:21:35,429 --> 00:21:37,664
Rick, not too far.
We're leaving right now!
662
00:21:37,664 --> 00:21:41,135
You know, that Pasha guy
sent me a picture of his ass.
663
00:21:41,135 --> 00:21:42,703
Let me see.
664
00:21:42,703 --> 00:21:44,438
["Just What I Needed"
by the Cars playing]
665
00:21:44,438 --> 00:21:45,906
♪♪ I guess
you're just what I needed ♪
666
00:21:45,906 --> 00:21:47,307
♪♪ Just what I needed ♪
667
00:21:47,307 --> 00:21:50,411
♪♪ I needed someone to feed ♪
668
00:21:51,345 --> 00:21:54,915
- ♪♪ I guess
you're just what I needed ♪
- ♪♪ Just what I needed ♪
669
00:21:54,915 --> 00:21:57,918
♪♪ I needed someone to bleed ♪
670
00:21:57,918 --> 00:21:59,753
♪♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
671
00:21:59,753 --> 00:22:01,187
♪♪ So bleed me ♪
672
00:22:06,527 --> 00:22:09,095
♪♪ You're just what I needed ♪
673
00:22:14,034 --> 00:22:16,436
♪♪ You're just what I needed ♪
674
00:22:21,408 --> 00:22:23,077
♪♪ You're just what I needed ♪
675
00:22:23,077 --> 00:22:27,180
♪♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪