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00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,809
♪ MTV ♪
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And we'll just take
some of these,
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one of these,
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gotta have these.
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These are good.
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Yeah.
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And there we go.
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Something to wash it all
down with,
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you know what I'm saying?
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Yep.
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We like the cold ones.
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Are you guys old enough
to drink?
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Uh, are you, sir?
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Yeah, are you, sir?
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I can't sell you this
unless you've got ID.
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You can still buy the rest.
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Uh...
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Do you even have
any money?
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Uh, do you, sir?
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Yeah, do you, sir?
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Because we could, like,
use some money.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Nobody ever lets us buy
cool things, Butt-Head.
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They always say we're, like,
not old enough or something.
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Whoa.
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I have, like, an idea.
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Old people can buy
whatever they want,
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so we just need to, like,
make you look old.
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Yeah, cool.
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You need, like, gray hair
and wrinkles and stuff.
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My 'nads have wrinkles.
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They kind of look old.
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Maybe I'll show people my 'nads
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instead of my face. Yeah.
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People don't like
seeing 'nads, dumbass.
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Not even on a fake ID?
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Uh, no.
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You're weird, Beavis.
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Okay, stand still.
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I'm gonna dye your hair.
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Okay, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, dye.
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Yeah, dye!
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Whoa, it smells like dizzy
or--or something.
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That means it's working, Beavis.
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Oh, really?
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Cool.
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Put a little here.
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There we go.
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Okay.
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Old guys are always hurting
their back,
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so you need to, like, say
"Ow, my back" a lot.
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Um, okay, yeah.
53
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Ow, my back.
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Uh, no, it needs
to sound real.
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Okay, okay, let me try this.
How about, um...
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Ow, my back!
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Uh, that's pretty good.
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- Yeah.
- Okay.
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Now go in there
and buy beer.
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Oh...
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Damn it. Ah.
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It's time to go.
The bus is leaving.
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Um, I just have to get
some beer or something.
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We have to get on the bus.
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Um, oh, okay. Yeah.
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I guess that's pretty cool.
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Thank you, son.
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My back.
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Beavis is gone.
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♪ Open your eyes ♪
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♪ To know where
I'm taking you to ♪
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Well, somebody's
homeschooled.
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Yeah, you can tell.
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I think the secret
to doing these trick shots
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is not having any friends
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so you just, like, throw
Frisbees all day
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and then sometimes,
they go in things.
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He keeps doing that thing
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that Caulay MacCulkin does,
you know,
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in "Home Alone,"
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you know, with his fist.
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But in "Home Alone,"
his parents wanted him back.
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Oh, yeah.
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They just, like, put
a bunch of Frisbees
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and a basketball outside
and locked the door.
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"If the ball goes
in the net, I'm not lonely.
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Yes. Yeah.
Awesome! Yeah."
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You know what these Frisbees
don't go in?
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A girl.
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Oh, yeah.
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The other dudes
in the neighborhood are like,
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"Hey, trick shot guy.
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"We got a bunch of girls
that wanna come over
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and swim in your pool,"
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and then he's like, "What?
No way.
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"I have to hit a soccer ball
with a wiffle bat
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"and bounce it
off a basketball hoop
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"onto a ledge.
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"I can't do that with a bunch
of chicks running around here
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"in bikinis.
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Get out of here."
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Yeah, yeah.
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And then he fist pumps. Yeah.
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"Yeah!
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Got rid of those chicks."
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Yeah. [laughs]
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I bet he does a lot
of fist pumping,
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if you know what I mean.
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Yeah.
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I got a little trick shot
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where I make it hit
the ceiling.
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Uh...
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that's disgusting, Beavis.
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Took me all summer
to master it, too.
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Uh, okay, Beavis,
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I'm gonna try
a trick shot now.
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I'm gonna take this can,
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and I'm gonna, like,
bounce it off the TV
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and then off your head
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and then out the window.
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This is gonna be cool.
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Uh...
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Ow.
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Wait, I didn't see.
Did it go out the window?
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Uh... no. [laughs]
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Guess I have to keep trying
until I get it right.
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Okay, look
straight ahead, Beavis.
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Ah!
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Damn it.
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I think you're doing
something wrong, Butt-Head.
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Let me try. Yeah.
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Concentrate here.
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Line this thing up. Yeah.
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Whoa.
Ow.
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What happened, Butt-Head?
Did it work?
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Uh... no.
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That sucked.
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And you lost the can.
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Ah, damn it.
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Well, I guess
I gotta keep trying, you know?
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Let me see.
Maybe this rock would work.
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Think I got this.
Yeah, yeah.
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Dumbass.
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Agh. Ow.
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Whoa!
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These guys really know
how to party.
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Jack. No.
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Social Security doesn't go
as far as it used to.
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Yeah, no one lets us buy
anything cool.
150
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No, they don't.
151
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And now
they won't let me drive.
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Yeah, me neither.
Yeah, it sucks.
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Hello...
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Oh, hey, hey.
How's it going?
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Yeah. I'm Beavis.
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Oh, mm,
haven't seen you before.
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00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:09,096
When did you move in?
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I don't know, really.
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They just dropped me off here,
you know?
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My kids did the same to me.
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You know, there are so few men
at this place.
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A girl can get lonely.
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Um... um... what?
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You know,
a handsome old stud like you
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could really brighten my day.
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How'd you like
to come back to my room?
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Um, okay, yeah.
168
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Is there, like, beer there
or something?
169
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I like the way you think.
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Yeah, thinking sucks.
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Hmm, looks like
we're alone now.
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Oh, candy, yeah.
That's pretty cool.
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When was the last time
you were with a woman, Beavis?
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Uh, I don't know.
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I think, like, never
or something.
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Whoa.
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00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,423
Boi-oi-oing--
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ow-ow-ow, my back!
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Gah!
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00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:17,130
So that's
where that dumbass went.
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Don't think
about your dead wife, Beavis.
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She's gone, and I'm here.
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Yeah, okay.
That sounds pretty cool.
184
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:31,579
What the hell are you doing?
185
00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:33,446
What?
Um...
186
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:35,983
Uh, what the hell
are you doing?
187
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This is your grandson?
188
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So nice of him to visit.
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You're supposed to be
getting us beer, butthole.
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00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:44,491
Damn it, Butt-Head, go away!
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00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,727
Here, here, have some candy.
192
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:49,229
I don't want
your candy, dumbass.
193
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Give me that.
194
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,100
Have
a Susan B. Anthony dollar.
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Just get out of here!
196
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,970
I'm about to score
with this weird old lady.
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No way.
She wants to score with me.
198
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,241
She just gave me
this silver coin
199
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,310
that probably costs $10,000.
200
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:05,312
Pearl?
201
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,380
Hey!
- Uh, Albert?
202
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,818
What the hell are you two
doing in my wife's room?
203
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,320
I'm, like, trying to score
with her or something.
204
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,689
Yeah, me too.
205
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,390
God damn it!
206
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,026
- Hey, cut it out!
- Ugh!
207
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:21,695
- Hey!
- Oh, dear.
208
00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,430
Ah, my back!
Ah, ah!
209
00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:25,098
Oh, Albert,
210
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,267
oh, I've never seen
this side of you.
211
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,069
Kick his ass, Albert.
212
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,639
He's a horn dog.
213
00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:33,173
Ow, my back!
Agh!
214
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:36,677
Ow, my back.
215
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,079
Uh, like, watch your step.
216
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:43,250
Yeah, thank you.
217
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:46,920
Did I ever tell you
about the time I almost scored?
218
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,122
You sure did, Beavis.
219
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,691
You sure did.
220
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:53,794
I almost scored.
221
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,395
My back.
222
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:56,930
Oh. [laughs]
223
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,711
Hello, I'm Tom Anderson,
224
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:13,647
veteran of two foreign wars.
225
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,949
The Battle of Incheon,
226
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,951
the biggest naval invasion
227
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:21,354
since a little thing
called D-Day.
228
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,723
Me and my platoon
229
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,825
were about to land
on Red Beach
230
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,660
when I noticed something
231
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:29,396
that changed
the whole ball game.
232
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,501
You see that, Jackson?
- Yes, sir.
233
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,069
That machine gun nest's
got our boys pinned down--
234
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,438
Somebody didn't paint
this hull right,
235
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,708
and see?
You get rust.
236
00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,810
Gotta mix
that primer correctly,
237
00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:44,678
or you might as well
not even bother
238
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,046
with the top coat.
239
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:47,614
Sir, we might all be dead
in a min--
240
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,482
See, the paint acts as a seal
241
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,384
to keep out the salt water,
242
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:54,221
because when salt and water
get together,
243
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:57,958
that's what I call
a recipe for rust.
244
00:10:57,958 --> 00:10:59,927
I'm not gonna bore you with it,
245
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:02,730
but salt water
is full of ions...
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00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:03,864
Sir, the beach is over there.
247
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:05,165
We're going
the wrong direction--
248
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,868
And that speeds up
the oxidation process,
249
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,870
which I'll speak
more about later.
250
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,905
Anyway, I don't think
251
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:14,041
anybody's gonna be whooping
the Commies
252
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,243
without doing
their basic maintenance.
253
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:18,278
We're headed back
to the ship.
254
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,413
- But sir...
- And Sergeant,
255
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,850
if anything happens to me,
256
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,752
give this to my wife.
257
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,123
It's instructions on how
to properly maintain
258
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:33,593
the oil furnace.
259
00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:35,763
That boat did get repainted
260
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,397
and lasted another three months
261
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:40,000
before it was sunk
in the Sea of Japan,
262
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,836
killing everyone on board.
263
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:45,105
What happened
to that oil furnace?
264
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,440
Well...
That's a tale
265
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,510
for the next "Tom Anderson's
War Stories,"
266
00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:52,479
and it's a doozy.