1
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,809
<i>* MTV ♪</i>

2
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,345
[both chuckling]

3
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,348
<i>[rock music]</i>

4
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:21,555
<i>♪ ♪</i>

5
00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:31,031
And we'll just take
some of these,

6
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,566
one of these,

7
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:33,567
gotta have these.

8
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:34,935
These are good.

9
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:36,104
Yeah.

10
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:38,172
And there we go.

11
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:43,177
Something to wash it all
down with,

12
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:44,212
you know what I'm saying?

13
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:45,546
[chuckles]
- Yep.

14
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:48,249
We like the cold ones.

15
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:50,418
Are you guys old enough
to drink?

16
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,986
Uh, are you, sir?

17
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,655
Yeah, are you, sir?

18
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:57,291
I can't sell you this
unless you've got ID.

19
00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,560
You can still buy the rest.

20
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,729
- Uh...
- [chuckles]

21
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,597
Do you even have
any money?

22
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,366
Uh, do you, sir?

23
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,535
Yeah, do you, sir?

24
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,470
Because we could, like,
use some money.

25
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,339
You know what I'm saying?
[snickers]

26
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,141
[bell rings]

27
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:15,443
Nobody ever lets us buy
cool things, Butt-Head.

28
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:19,147
They always say we're, like,
not old enough or something.

29
00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:21,382
Whoa.

30
00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:23,451
I have, like, an idea.

31
00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:25,553
[snickers]

32
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,688
Old people can buy
whatever they want,

33
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:30,524
so we just need to, like,
make you look old.

34
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,059
Yeah, cool.
[laughs]

35
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:35,696
You need, like, gray hair
and wrinkles and stuff.

36
00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:38,199
My 'nads have wrinkles.

37
00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:39,433
They kind of look old.

38
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,834
Maybe I'll show people my 'nads

39
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,803
instead of my face. Yeah.

40
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:46,207
People don't like
seeing 'nads, dumbass.

41
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:48,008
Not even on a fake ID?

42
00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:51,179
Uh, no.

43
00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:54,182
You're weird, Beavis.

44
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:56,083
Okay, stand still.

45
00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:57,551
I'm gonna dye your hair.

46
00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:59,420
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, dye.

47
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:02,656
Yeah, dye!

48
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:05,293
Whoa, it smells like dizzy
or--or something.

49
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:07,528
That means it's working, Beavis.

50
00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:09,497
Oh, really?

51
00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:11,865
Cool.

52
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:14,435
Put a little here.

53
00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:15,969
There we go.

54
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,338
Okay.

55
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,740
Old guys are always hurting
their back,

56
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:22,443
so you need to, like, say
"Ow, my back" a lot.

57
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,578
Um, okay, yeah.

58
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:25,979
Ow, my back.

59
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:29,417
Uh, no, it needs
to sound real.

60
00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:32,052
Okay, okay, let me try this.
How about, um...

61
00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:33,721
Ow, my back!

62
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:37,458
- Uh, that's pretty good.
- [groaning]

63
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:39,693
- Yeah.
- Okay.

64
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:42,996
Now go in there
and buy beer.

65
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,598
Oh...

66
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,600
[grumbling]

67
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,836
Damn it. Ah.

68
00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:51,339
It's time to go.
The bus is leaving.

69
00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:55,409
Um, I just have to get
some beer or something.

70
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,110
We have to get on the bus.

71
00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,747
Um, oh, okay. Yeah.

72
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:02,383
I guess that's pretty cool.

73
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:04,518
Thank you, son.

74
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,153
[groans] My back.

75
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:12,960
[laughs]

76
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,495
Beavis is gone.

77
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:19,166
<i>* Open your eyes ♪</i>

78
00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:22,270
<i>♪ To know where
I'm taking you to ♪</i>

79
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:24,638
<i>Well, somebody's
homeschooled.</i>

80
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,840
<i>[laughs]</i>

81
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,643
<i>Yeah, you can tell.
[snickers]</i>

82
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:32,280
<i>I think the secret
to doing these trick shots</i>

83
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,382
<i>is not having any friends</i>

84
00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:37,150
<i>so you just, like, throw
Frisbees all day</i>

85
00:03:37,285 --> 00:03:39,287
<i>and then sometimes,
they go in things.</i>

86
00:03:39,287 --> 00:03:40,921
<i>[laughs]</i>

87
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,290
<i>He keeps doing that thing</i>

88
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:43,591
<i>that Caulay MacCulkin does,
you know,</i>

89
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:44,758
<i>in "Home Alone,"</i>

90
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,294
<i>you know, with his fist.</i>

91
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:47,695
[laughs]

92
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:50,163
But in "Home Alone,"
his parents wanted him back.

93
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:52,165
[snickers]

94
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:55,135
<i>[laughs]
Oh, yeah.</i>

95
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:57,305
<i>They just, like, put
a bunch of Frisbees</i>

96
00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,407
<i>and a basketball outside
and locked the door.</i>

97
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:04,312
<i>"If the ball goes
in the net, I'm not lonely.</i>

98
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:07,748
<i>Yes. Yeah.
Awesome! Yeah."</i>

99
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:11,419
<i>You know what these Frisbees
don't go in?</i>

100
00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:14,388
A girl.

101
00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:17,224
<i>[snickering]
Oh, yeah.</i>

102
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:18,992
<i>The other dudes
in the neighborhood are like,</i>

103
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,594
<i>"Hey, trick shot guy.</i>

104
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,095
"We got a bunch of girls
that wanna come over

105
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,431
and swim in your pool,"

106
00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:26,400
and then he's like, "What?
No way.

107
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,002
<i>"I have to hit a soccer ball
with a wiffle bat</i>

108
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:30,571
<i>"and bounce it
off a basketball hoop</i>

109
00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:32,440
<i>"onto a ledge.</i>

110
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,875
"I can't do that with a bunch
of chicks running around here

111
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,109
"in bikinis.

112
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,811
Get out of here."

113
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,347
Yeah, yeah.

114
00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:42,516
And then he fist pumps. Yeah.

115
00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:43,651
<i>"Yeah!</i>

116
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:44,818
<i>Got rid of those chicks."</i>

117
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:46,253
<i>Yeah. [laughs]</i>

118
00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:48,356
<i>I bet he does a lot
of fist pumping,</i>

119
00:04:48,356 --> 00:04:50,558
<i>if you know what I mean.
[guffaws]</i>

120
00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:53,026
<i>[snickers] Yeah.</i>

121
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,528
<i>I got a little trick shot</i>

122
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:57,865
<i>where I make it hit
the ceiling.</i>

123
00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:59,667
Uh...

124
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:02,135
that's disgusting, Beavis.

125
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:05,673
Took me all summer
to master it, too.

126
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:07,575
<i>Uh, okay, Beavis,</i>

127
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:10,277
<i>I'm gonna try
a trick shot now.</i>

128
00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:12,212
I'm gonna take this can,

129
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:15,015
and I'm gonna, like,
bounce it off the TV

130
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,750
and then off your head

131
00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:19,119
and then out the window.

132
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:21,755
This is gonna be cool.

133
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:24,425
Uh...

134
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:25,459
[yelps]

135
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,794
Ow. [laughs]

136
00:05:26,794 --> 00:05:28,462
Wait, I didn't see.
Did it go out the window?

137
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,398
<i>[snickers]</i>

138
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:33,534
<i>Uh... no. [laughs]</i>

139
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:36,670
<i>Guess I have to keep trying
until I get it right.</i>

140
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,472
<i>[snickers]</i>

141
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,674
Okay, look
straight ahead, Beavis.

142
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:43,310
Ah!

143
00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:44,778
Damn it.

144
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:46,313
I think you're doing
something wrong, Butt-Head.

145
00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:48,549
Let me try.
Yeah. [laughs]

146
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:51,419
Concentrate here.

147
00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:53,220
Line this thing up. Yeah.

148
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:02,229
Whoa. [coughs]
Ow.

149
00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:05,298
What happened, Butt-Head?
Did it work?

150
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:08,268
Uh... no.

151
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:10,070
That sucked.

152
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,440
And you lost the can.

153
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,874
<i>Ah, damn it.</i>

154
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:17,344
<i>Well, I guess
I gotta keep trying, you know?</i>

155
00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:19,179
<i>Let me see.
Maybe this rock would work.</i>

156
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:20,848
<i>[snickers]</i>

157
00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:22,983
<i>Think I got this.
Yeah, yeah.</i>

158
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:25,753
<i>[screams]
- [snickers]</i>

159
00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:26,854
<i>Dumbass.</i>

160
00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:31,258
Agh. Ow.

161
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,161
Whoa!

162
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:37,598
[coughing]

163
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:39,800
These guys really know
how to party.

164
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,638
[scatting]

165
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:47,541
Jack. No.

166
00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:50,243
Social Security doesn't go
as far as it used to.

167
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,212
Yeah, no one lets us buy
anything cool.

168
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,947
No, they don't.

169
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,849
And now
they won't let me drive.

170
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,885
Yeah, me neither.
Yeah, it sucks.

171
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,188
Hello...

172
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:02,189
Oh, hey, hey.
How's it going?

173
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,792
Yeah. I'm Beavis.

174
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:07,495
Oh, mm,
haven't seen you before.

175
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:09,096
When did you move in?

176
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,798
I don't know, really.

177
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:13,266
They just dropped me off here,
you know?

178
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,603
My kids did the same to me.

179
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:18,371
You know, there are so few men
at this place.

180
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:20,508
A girl can get lonely.

181
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:26,580
Um... um... what?

182
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:29,116
You know,
a handsome old stud like you

183
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,384
could really brighten my day.

184
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:34,354
How'd you like
to come back to my room?

185
00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:36,624
Um, okay, yeah.

186
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:39,426
Is there, like, beer there
or something?

187
00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:43,531
[laughs]
I like the way you think.

188
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:46,033
Yeah, thinking sucks.

189
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:53,741
Hmm, looks like
we're alone now.

190
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:56,610
Oh, candy, yeah.
That's pretty cool.

191
00:07:56,610 --> 00:08:00,548
When was the last time
you were with a woman, Beavis?

192
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:01,849
Uh, I don't know.

193
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:04,084
I think, like, never
or something.

194
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,022
Whoa.

195
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,423
Boi-oi-oing--

196
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,025
ow-ow-ow, my back!

197
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,093
Gah!

198
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:17,130
So that's
where that dumbass went.

199
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:22,235
Don't think
about your dead wife, Beavis.

200
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:25,305
She's gone, and I'm here.

201
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:27,174
Yeah, okay.
That sounds pretty cool.

202
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,809
[doorknob clicks]

203
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:31,579
What the hell are you doing?

204
00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:33,446
What?
Um...

205
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:35,983
Uh, what the hell
are you doing?

206
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,450
This is your grandson?

207
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:39,620
So nice of him to visit.

208
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,422
You're supposed to be
getting us beer, butthole.

209
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:44,491
Damn it, Butt-Head, go away!

210
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,727
Here, here, have some candy.

211
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:49,229
I don't want
your candy, dumbass.

212
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:51,031
Give me that.

213
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,100
Have
a Susan B. Anthony dollar.

214
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:54,602
Just get out of here!

215
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,970
I'm about to score
with this weird old lady.

216
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,472
No way.
She wants to score with me.

217
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,241
She just gave me
this silver coin

218
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,310
that probably costs $10,000.

219
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:05,312
Pearl?

220
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,380
Hey!
- Uh, Albert?

221
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,818
What the hell are you two
doing in my wife's room?

222
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,320
I'm, like, trying to score
with her or something.

223
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,689
Yeah, me too.

224
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,390
God damn it!

225
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,026
- Hey, cut it out!
- Ugh!

226
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:21,695
- Hey! [yelling]
- Oh, dear.

227
00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,430
Ah, my back!
Ah, ah!

228
00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:25,098
Oh, Albert,

229
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,267
oh, I've never seen
this side of you.

230
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,069
Kick his ass, Albert.

231
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,370
[screaming]

232
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,639
He's a horn dog.

233
00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:33,173
Ow, my back!
Agh!

234
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:36,677
[groaning] Ow, my back.

235
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,079
Uh, like, watch your step.

236
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:43,250
Yeah, thank you.
[laughs]

237
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:46,920
Did I ever tell you
about the time I almost scored?

238
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,122
You sure did, Beavis.

239
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,691
You sure did.

240
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:53,794
<i>I almost scored.</i>

241
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,395
<i>[snickers] My back.</i>

242
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:56,930
<i>Oh. [laughs]</i>

243
00:09:57,698 --> 00:10:00,668
<i>[martial tune]</i>

244
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,711
Hello, I'm Tom Anderson,

245
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:13,647
veteran of two foreign wars.

246
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,949
The Battle of Incheon,

247
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,951
the biggest naval invasion

248
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:21,354
since a little thing
called D-Day.

249
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,723
Me and my platoon

250
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,825
<i>were about to land
on Red Beach</i>

251
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,660
<i>when I noticed something</i>

252
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:29,396
<i>that changed
the whole ball game.</i>

253
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:32,265
<i>[dramatic music]</i>

254
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,501
You see that, Jackson?
- Yes, sir.

255
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,069
That machine gun nest's
got our boys pinned down--

256
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,438
Somebody didn't paint
this hull right,

257
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,708
and see?
You get rust.

258
00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,810
Gotta mix
that primer correctly,

259
00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:44,678
or you might as well
not even bother

260
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,046
with the top coat.

261
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:47,614
Sir, we might all be dead
in a min--

262
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,482
See, the paint acts as a seal

263
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,384
to keep out the salt water,

264
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:54,221
because when salt and water
get together,

265
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:57,958
that's what I call
a recipe for rust.

266
00:10:57,958 --> 00:10:59,927
I'm not gonna bore you with it,

267
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:02,730
but salt water
is full of ions...

268
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:03,864
Sir, the beach is over there.

269
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:05,165
We're going
the wrong direction--

270
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,868
And that speeds up
the oxidation process,

271
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,870
which I'll speak
more about later.

272
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,905
Anyway, I don't think

273
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:14,041
anybody's gonna be whooping
the Commies

274
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,243
without doing
their basic maintenance.

275
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:18,278
We're headed back
to the ship.

276
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,413
- But sir...
- And Sergeant,

277
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,850
if anything happens to me,

278
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,752
give this to my wife.

279
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:27,020
<i>[dramatic music]</i>

280
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,123
It's instructions on how
to properly maintain

281
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:33,593
the oil furnace.

282
00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:35,763
That boat did get repainted

283
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,397
and lasted another three months

284
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:40,000
before it was sunk
in the Sea of Japan,

285
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,836
killing everyone on board.

286
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:45,105
What happened
to that oil furnace?

287
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,440
Well... [laughs]
That's a tale

288
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,510
for the next "Tom Anderson's
War Stories,"

289
00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:52,479
and it's a doozy.

290
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:54,247
[laughs]