1
00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:02,258
- There are some secrets
we take to the grave,

2
00:00:02,258 --> 00:00:04,485
and others we plaster online for laughs.

3
00:00:04,485 --> 00:00:05,795
- 9/11, you up?

4
00:00:05,795 --> 00:00:07,077
(group laughing)

5
00:00:07,077 --> 00:00:09,823
- I'd like everyone to not
make eye contact with me

6
00:00:09,823 --> 00:00:10,805
as I tell you this.

7
00:00:10,805 --> 00:00:12,032
- [Pat] Oh, he was doing it.
- Whoa.

8
00:00:12,032 --> 00:00:13,722
- [Brian] Straddled you?
- Straddled me from the front.

9
00:00:13,722 --> 00:00:14,915
- So violent.

10
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:19,802
- I'm your host, Lily Du.
Let's air some "Dirty Laundry."

11
00:00:19,802 --> 00:00:21,268
(chill music)

12
00:00:24,355 --> 00:00:27,587
With me today are some writers
and actors who long time fans

13
00:00:27,587 --> 00:00:28,865
are sure to recognize.

14
00:00:28,865 --> 00:00:31,765
We have a seven up, Hayley Marie Norman.

15
00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:34,795
(lips smacking) Seven up. Hi.

16
00:00:34,795 --> 00:00:37,435
- A seven down, Pat Cassels.

17
00:00:37,435 --> 00:00:39,955
A seven sideways, Brian Huskey.

18
00:00:39,955 --> 00:00:42,593
And a seven inside out, Nick Kocher.

19
00:00:42,593 --> 00:00:45,885
How good are you at spotting a liar?

20
00:00:45,885 --> 00:00:48,395
- Terrible, based on my dating history.

21
00:00:48,395 --> 00:00:51,024
- Oh, okay. Starting personal.

22
00:00:51,024 --> 00:00:53,258
- I never assume anyone is lying.

23
00:00:53,258 --> 00:00:54,698
- You can't be trusting Grant,

24
00:00:54,698 --> 00:00:55,701
he's one of your closest friends.

25
00:00:55,701 --> 00:00:58,258
- Well, I assume Grant
is almost always lying.

26
00:00:58,258 --> 00:01:00,858
- I did you the favor of
teaching you how to spot a liar.

27
00:01:00,858 --> 00:01:03,066
- Here's how the game works.

28
00:01:03,066 --> 00:01:04,906
I have a stack of secrets about our guests

29
00:01:04,906 --> 00:01:07,818
and they have to guess who
each secret belongs to.

30
00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:10,013
If it's their own, they
should make accusations to try

31
00:01:10,013 --> 00:01:11,858
and throw people off their trail.

32
00:01:11,858 --> 00:01:14,005
But we could have thrown
in a secret about me

33
00:01:14,005 --> 00:01:14,968
or our bartender.

34
00:01:14,968 --> 00:01:16,581
Hey Grant, what's today's special?

35
00:01:16,581 --> 00:01:19,213
- Lily, today's special
is the Lake Erie slush.

36
00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:20,046
- Liar.

37
00:01:20,046 --> 00:01:21,485
(Lily laughing)
- This guy's good.

38
00:01:21,485 --> 00:01:23,792
- All right, here is how scoring works.

39
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,586
You get one point for every
time you guess correctly,

40
00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:30,032
but if it's your own secret
and you fool everyone,

41
00:01:30,032 --> 00:01:31,176
that is three points.

42
00:01:31,176 --> 00:01:32,009
Sound good?

43
00:01:32,009 --> 00:01:33,242
- Cheers, bitches.

44
00:01:33,242 --> 00:01:34,075
- Cheers, bitches.

45
00:01:34,075 --> 00:01:35,344
- Cheers, bitch.

46
00:01:35,344 --> 00:01:36,177
- To honesty.
- Cheers.

47
00:01:36,177 --> 00:01:38,344
- To honesty.
- To honesty.

48
00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:41,432
♪ Swear I'll never lie to you ♪

49
00:01:41,432 --> 00:01:45,104
- First secret. Starting off with a bang.

50
00:01:45,104 --> 00:01:49,544
Whose memory of 9/11 is hornier than most?

51
00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:50,934
- Nick. Oh wait.

52
00:01:50,934 --> 00:01:52,264
(group laughing)

53
00:01:52,264 --> 00:01:54,526
- All right, that is a good lesson to me

54
00:01:54,526 --> 00:01:57,371
that I'm giving off the
wrong vibe immediately.

55
00:01:57,371 --> 00:01:59,235
- Did you say hornier than usual?

56
00:01:59,235 --> 00:02:01,539
- Than most.
- [Pat] Oh, than most.

57
00:02:01,539 --> 00:02:04,780
- The 9/11 traditionally
is a pretty horny time.

58
00:02:04,780 --> 00:02:05,613
- [Grant] Sure.
- Yeah.

59
00:02:05,613 --> 00:02:06,446
- [Lily] Yeah.

60
00:02:06,446 --> 00:02:08,038
- You'd never lived in
New York, Hayley, right?

61
00:02:08,038 --> 00:02:11,748
- I have a 917 area code,
so I'm a New York poser,

62
00:02:11,748 --> 00:02:12,581
but correct.
- [Brian] Okay.

63
00:02:12,581 --> 00:02:13,414
- Thanks for calling me out, Brian.

64
00:02:13,414 --> 00:02:14,448
I've never lived in New York.

65
00:02:14,448 --> 00:02:16,191
But I can be horny on the other coast.

66
00:02:16,191 --> 00:02:17,034
- That's true.
- Yeah.

67
00:02:17,034 --> 00:02:18,444
- You were not as horny as we were, okay?

68
00:02:18,444 --> 00:02:19,277
That affected directly.

69
00:02:19,277 --> 00:02:20,797
- No, but maybe it was more horny.

70
00:02:20,797 --> 00:02:22,688
- I have relatives who
were first responders.

71
00:02:22,688 --> 00:02:24,950
No one was hornier than them.
(Hayley laughs)

72
00:02:24,950 --> 00:02:25,783
- Oh.

73
00:02:25,783 --> 00:02:27,646
- Yo, bitch, being horny
is a grief response,

74
00:02:27,646 --> 00:02:28,504
like that is that-

75
00:02:28,504 --> 00:02:29,540
- It's a trauma response.

76
00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:31,431
- It's a trauma response that I am saying

77
00:02:31,431 --> 00:02:34,403
with a certain authority
so it makes it true.

78
00:02:34,403 --> 00:02:35,927
- It's denial, bargaining-
- Wait.

79
00:02:35,927 --> 00:02:36,760
- Bargain.
- Horny.

80
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:37,593
- Horny.
- [Brian] Boner.

81
00:02:37,593 --> 00:02:38,426
- Hungry, hunger.

82
00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:39,626
- Who has the vibe of someone

83
00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:41,544
who is masturbating in the morning?

84
00:02:41,544 --> 00:02:42,377
- You.
(Grant laughs)

85
00:02:42,377 --> 00:02:43,210
- [Nick] Why?

86
00:02:43,210 --> 00:02:46,122
I don't know why we're
considering anyone other than Pat

87
00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:46,955
with that mustache.

88
00:02:46,955 --> 00:02:47,788
(Pat laughing)

89
00:02:47,788 --> 00:02:48,621
- [Hayley] Wait, you're right.

90
00:02:48,621 --> 00:02:51,156
Pat, why haven't you been
on my radar for this?

91
00:02:51,156 --> 00:02:52,209
- He's taking it like a compliment.

92
00:02:52,209 --> 00:02:53,899
- What do you mean? Like a porn star vibe?

93
00:02:53,899 --> 00:02:55,063
- You look like you're him.
- Yeah.

94
00:02:55,063 --> 00:02:57,999
- You look like you thought
this was a key party.

95
00:02:57,999 --> 00:02:59,804
- That looked like one, honestly.

96
00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:01,220
- All right, let's get our guesses in.

97
00:03:01,220 --> 00:03:04,704
Whose memory of 9/11 is
hornier than most? Hayley?

98
00:03:04,704 --> 00:03:05,996
- Nick.
- Pat?

99
00:03:05,996 --> 00:03:07,356
- I'm also gonna say Nick.

100
00:03:07,356 --> 00:03:08,414
- [Lily] Brian who's your guest?

101
00:03:08,414 --> 00:03:10,295
- I'm gonna say Pat.
- Nick?

102
00:03:10,295 --> 00:03:13,735
- Yeah, I think Pat. He's
giving off a Quagmire vibe.

103
00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:14,568
I think it's him.

104
00:03:14,568 --> 00:03:18,028
- (laughing) I always say
giggity like four times

105
00:03:18,028 --> 00:03:18,861
before we started rolling.

106
00:03:18,861 --> 00:03:20,630
- All right, well the
person whose memory of 9/11

107
00:03:20,630 --> 00:03:23,963
is hornier than most, please
take a sip of their drink.

108
00:03:23,963 --> 00:03:26,963
(suspenseful music)

109
00:03:27,963 --> 00:03:30,111
(guests exclaim)
(Hayley screams)

110
00:03:30,111 --> 00:03:31,420
- [Nick] Wait.
- [Pat] Oh.

111
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:33,197
- Oh.
- [Hayley] Oh.

112
00:03:33,197 --> 00:03:34,197
Oh my God.

113
00:03:34,197 --> 00:03:37,932
- You never would've expected.
Three points to Brian.

114
00:03:37,932 --> 00:03:40,174
- Started like any other peaceful morning.

115
00:03:40,174 --> 00:03:42,985
- The Saudi Arabian
Government contacted me.

116
00:03:42,985 --> 00:03:45,474
- I mean, we all have needs.

117
00:03:45,474 --> 00:03:47,758
I woke up in the morning,
my body was like,

118
00:03:47,758 --> 00:03:50,353
"Hey, you know what?
Released a little tension."

119
00:03:50,353 --> 00:03:53,614
So I released a little tension and-

120
00:03:53,614 --> 00:03:55,763
- In the airplane bathroom or what?

121
00:03:55,763 --> 00:03:56,670
Who's in your seat?
(Hayley laughs)

122
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:59,220
- In my place in Brooklyn,
which was literally,

123
00:03:59,220 --> 00:04:01,001
so the Twin Towers are here

124
00:04:01,001 --> 00:04:02,538
and our place is across the river.

125
00:04:02,538 --> 00:04:03,371
- Oh.

126
00:04:03,371 --> 00:04:06,239
- Every day I'd walk home,
I would see the Twin Towers.

127
00:04:06,239 --> 00:04:08,417
I'm like, "Oh, that's so
beautiful. This's so great."

128
00:04:08,417 --> 00:04:09,250
- [Lily] Thank God-
- Oh, we'll salute.

129
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,083
- They'll be standing forever.

130
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:13,017
- They'll be there no matter
how many times I ejaculate,

131
00:04:13,017 --> 00:04:14,569
they'll always be there.

132
00:04:14,569 --> 00:04:18,177
And then, so I finished,

133
00:04:18,177 --> 00:04:20,302
and the second I finished,

134
00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:21,356
(imitates explosion sound)

135
00:04:21,356 --> 00:04:22,751
- Oh. (laughing)
- [Brian] This big rumbling,

136
00:04:22,751 --> 00:04:26,138
and I was in a place
where I was sort of like,

137
00:04:26,138 --> 00:04:29,172
it was a good one and I
couldn't differentiate it.

138
00:04:29,172 --> 00:04:32,460
I was like, "Did I think
that? Am I feeling?

139
00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:35,292
Like, did I cause a boom sound?"

140
00:04:35,292 --> 00:04:36,125
- Right.

141
00:04:36,125 --> 00:04:37,681
- Is there normally a boom sound?

142
00:04:37,681 --> 00:04:38,514
(group laughing)

143
00:04:38,514 --> 00:04:39,703
- Yeah, that's the thing.

144
00:04:39,703 --> 00:04:42,343
I was like, "Wow, is there's
that much blood rushing

145
00:04:42,343 --> 00:04:45,450
from my head down to the zone?"

146
00:04:45,450 --> 00:04:47,712
- Huge cloud of dust.
- Huge cloud of dust.

147
00:04:47,712 --> 00:04:49,509
So then I like got up and I was like,

148
00:04:49,509 --> 00:04:50,342
"Something feels weird."

149
00:04:50,342 --> 00:04:53,349
And I looked down on the
street and then chaos

150
00:04:53,349 --> 00:04:54,799
and I was like, "Oh my God, oh my God."

151
00:04:54,799 --> 00:04:58,690
So I put on my pajamas, ran
out, my roommate ran out

152
00:04:58,690 --> 00:05:00,187
and we're like, "What
the hell's going on?"

153
00:05:00,187 --> 00:05:01,117
He's like, "I don't know."

154
00:05:01,117 --> 00:05:03,677
And he looked down and
I had a full erection

155
00:05:03,677 --> 00:05:06,764
in my underwear, in my pajamas.

156
00:05:06,764 --> 00:05:10,291
We're running around and
he was like (vocalizing).

157
00:05:10,291 --> 00:05:12,187
And then I was like,
"Oh, I have an erection."

158
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:14,452
It's like, "I know, I don't
wanna say anything about it."

159
00:05:14,452 --> 00:05:15,645
We ignored it.
- [Nick] Just kept it going.

160
00:05:15,645 --> 00:05:17,379
- I think there a
possibility you're the least

161
00:05:17,379 --> 00:05:19,293
horny person when 9/11 happened

162
00:05:19,293 --> 00:05:21,243
'cause you were the closest person

163
00:05:21,243 --> 00:05:22,782
to have gotten it all out and could-

164
00:05:22,782 --> 00:05:25,453
- [Lily] Oh, okay.
- COVID though. Woohoo.

165
00:05:25,453 --> 00:05:26,553
- [Hayley] Very horned up?
- Boing.

166
00:05:26,553 --> 00:05:27,969
- [Lily] Very horny.
- Very horny.

167
00:05:27,969 --> 00:05:29,020
- That one gets me going.

168
00:05:29,020 --> 00:05:31,241
- All right, that is
three points to Brian,

169
00:05:31,241 --> 00:05:32,836
just because none of you could imagine him

170
00:05:32,836 --> 00:05:35,753
saying the word ejaculate.
(Hayley laughs)

171
00:05:35,753 --> 00:05:37,699
Next secret.

172
00:05:37,699 --> 00:05:41,630
Who slid into someone's
DMs to save a life?

173
00:05:41,630 --> 00:05:43,361
Oh.
- Mm.

174
00:05:43,361 --> 00:05:44,489
- That's always what it feels like.

175
00:05:44,489 --> 00:05:46,249
- Mm.
- [Hayley] Mm.

176
00:05:46,249 --> 00:05:47,641
- Offering someone's nudes
is not saving their life.

177
00:05:47,641 --> 00:05:51,724
- I'm gonna go what life
endangering situation could you be

178
00:05:51,724 --> 00:05:54,993
in that you then check Instagram?

179
00:05:54,993 --> 00:05:56,410
- Yeah.
- During it.

180
00:05:56,410 --> 00:05:58,833
- Could it be like, "Hey,
I couldn't help but notice,

181
00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:00,112
I think you have melanoma.

182
00:06:00,112 --> 00:06:01,422
(Hayley laughing)

183
00:06:01,422 --> 00:06:02,604
- Oh yeah, in your photos. Yeah.

184
00:06:02,604 --> 00:06:04,294
- Yeah, something visible.

185
00:06:04,294 --> 00:06:05,127
- [Hayley] Look well.

186
00:06:05,127 --> 00:06:06,568
- I've heard about that happening

187
00:06:06,568 --> 00:06:09,500
where people will be watching
TV and some doctor will say,

188
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:12,100
"Hey, your neck has a goiter
on it. You gotta take a look."

189
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:13,095
- I feel like you don't strike me

190
00:06:13,095 --> 00:06:16,435
as a slide into someone's
DMs kind of person.

191
00:06:16,435 --> 00:06:19,007
- I'm more kind of like comment to them.

192
00:06:19,007 --> 00:06:21,287
- I also think you're giving off

193
00:06:21,287 --> 00:06:22,996
lifesaving vibes a little bit.

194
00:06:22,996 --> 00:06:26,356
- Right. You guys, I
actually love this for me.

195
00:06:26,356 --> 00:06:27,189
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

196
00:06:27,189 --> 00:06:29,356
- I kind of have my eyes on you right now.

197
00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:30,189
- Really?

198
00:06:30,189 --> 00:06:33,676
- Because before we started shooting,

199
00:06:33,676 --> 00:06:36,764
Pat reminded me that he slid in my DMs

200
00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:39,403
to ask me a work question.
- That's true. Yes.

201
00:06:39,403 --> 00:06:41,996
- So you're a notorious DM slider.

202
00:06:41,996 --> 00:06:44,042
- That's a one work
question makes me notorious?

203
00:06:44,042 --> 00:06:45,292
(group laughing)

204
00:06:45,292 --> 00:06:47,634
- Hey, if you have a professional
question, that's a slide.

205
00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:48,975
(group laughing)

206
00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:51,010
Nick, you ever DM?
- Sure. Yeah.

207
00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:51,924
- [Hayley] Mm.
- [Lily] Okay.

208
00:06:51,924 --> 00:06:52,757
- You are being awfully quiet.

209
00:06:52,757 --> 00:06:53,729
- Ooh. Lots of little poker faces.

210
00:06:53,729 --> 00:06:55,541
- I don't. Don't we all?

211
00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:56,374
- [Pat] Yeah, I do.

212
00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:57,207
- [Hayley] No, this is really poker facey.

213
00:06:57,207 --> 00:06:59,924
- Is anyone not taking advantage
of the message function?

214
00:06:59,924 --> 00:07:01,130
- Some people are morally above it.

215
00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:03,524
- He's defensive. He's being defensive.

216
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:05,303
- Yes, I only do handwritten letters.

217
00:07:05,303 --> 00:07:06,183
- [Lily] Yes.
(guests laugh)

218
00:07:06,183 --> 00:07:09,074
- I mean, Grant, you strike me
as a DM slider a little bit.

219
00:07:09,074 --> 00:07:10,862
- I understand.
- But not a good person.

220
00:07:10,862 --> 00:07:12,265
(Lily cackling)

221
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,098
- [Grant] Good.

222
00:07:13,098 --> 00:07:15,482
- What's the most egregious
DM you've ever sent?

223
00:07:15,482 --> 00:07:16,852
- It was like, "9/11, you up?"

224
00:07:16,852 --> 00:07:19,677
(group laughing)

225
00:07:19,677 --> 00:07:21,543
- You were on my space?
- [Pat] Yeah.

226
00:07:21,543 --> 00:07:23,150
- All right, let's get our guesses in.

227
00:07:23,150 --> 00:07:26,511
Who slid into someone's
DMs to save a life?

228
00:07:26,511 --> 00:07:28,440
Pat, who do you think?
- Hayley.

229
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:29,452
- [Lily] Brian?
- Nick.

230
00:07:29,452 --> 00:07:32,274
- Yeah.
- Based on no evidence.

231
00:07:32,274 --> 00:07:33,107
- Nick?

232
00:07:33,107 --> 00:07:34,943
- I'm gonna go with Quagmire again.

233
00:07:34,943 --> 00:07:35,776
- Giggity.

234
00:07:35,776 --> 00:07:36,609
- [Lily] Hayley, who's your guest?

235
00:07:36,609 --> 00:07:38,329
- I'm gonna go with Pat.

236
00:07:38,329 --> 00:07:40,942
- All right, fingers are
being pointed. Let's find out.

237
00:07:40,942 --> 00:07:43,982
Well, the person who slid into
someone's DMS to save a life,

238
00:07:43,982 --> 00:07:45,806
please take a sip of their drink.

239
00:07:45,806 --> 00:07:48,806
(suspenseful music)

240
00:07:50,176 --> 00:07:52,201
(Hayley screaming)
(guests exclaiming)

241
00:07:52,201 --> 00:07:53,834
- [Hayley] God dammit.

242
00:07:53,834 --> 00:07:56,015
- She's onto you.
(Hayley giggles)

243
00:07:56,015 --> 00:07:58,711
- I'm good at lying and I can see a lie.

244
00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:00,106
I love my new super power.

245
00:08:00,106 --> 00:08:01,904
- My wife and I had a baby.

246
00:08:01,904 --> 00:08:02,737
- Brag.

247
00:08:02,737 --> 00:08:03,803
- Three months ago. Yep, brag.

248
00:08:03,803 --> 00:08:04,696
- Brag.
- [Nick] That's right.

249
00:08:04,696 --> 00:08:07,032
And then we brought the
baby home to our house

250
00:08:07,032 --> 00:08:10,346
and our dog wanted to kill the baby.

251
00:08:10,346 --> 00:08:13,016
Did not care for the baby.

252
00:08:13,016 --> 00:08:17,233
And it was, you know,
it's already pretty hard

253
00:08:17,233 --> 00:08:18,536
taking care of a newborn.

254
00:08:18,536 --> 00:08:21,114
It's significantly harder
when there is a wolf

255
00:08:21,114 --> 00:08:23,400
that lives in the house
that is actively trying

256
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:24,525
to kill the newborn.

257
00:08:24,525 --> 00:08:25,358
- [Lily] Yeah.

258
00:08:25,358 --> 00:08:29,183
- And we were watching
"Dog Whisperer." It worked.

259
00:08:29,183 --> 00:08:30,712
We were like, this is the only person

260
00:08:30,712 --> 00:08:32,224
who can solve our problems.

261
00:08:32,224 --> 00:08:34,544
So my wife-
- This is not Cesar Milan?

262
00:08:34,544 --> 00:08:35,377
- [Nick] This is Cesar Milan.

263
00:08:35,377 --> 00:08:36,210
- Okay. Okay.
- [Lily] Okay. Okay.

264
00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:40,263
- Yeah, yeah. So my wife DM'd Cesar Milan

265
00:08:40,263 --> 00:08:42,874
and was like, "Our dog
wants to kill our baby,

266
00:08:42,874 --> 00:08:44,362
can you help us?"

267
00:08:44,362 --> 00:08:46,413
And he was like, "Yes."

268
00:08:46,413 --> 00:08:47,248
- He responded?

269
00:08:47,248 --> 00:08:49,710
- He responded, said yes.
- I love that.

270
00:08:49,710 --> 00:08:51,801
- Said, "Come on out to the ranch."

271
00:08:51,801 --> 00:08:53,134
- The ranch?
- Yeah.

272
00:08:53,134 --> 00:08:53,967
- Wow, the whole ranch

273
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:57,578
- So we went, we took our baby and our dog

274
00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:59,576
at separate sides of the car

275
00:08:59,576 --> 00:09:02,204
and we drove out to Santa Clarita

276
00:09:02,204 --> 00:09:04,993
and Cesar Milan did like a
training session with us,

277
00:09:04,993 --> 00:09:08,489
which was very bizarre 'cause
it was the thing he did was--

278
00:09:08,489 --> 00:09:10,233
- 'Cause of the baby, not the dog.

279
00:09:10,233 --> 00:09:11,283
- [Nick] Yeah, yeah, it was the baby.

280
00:09:11,283 --> 00:09:12,258
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

281
00:09:12,258 --> 00:09:14,636
- Was this recorded for
an episode or anything or-

282
00:09:14,636 --> 00:09:15,812
- No, it was not.
- [Pat] Okay.

283
00:09:15,812 --> 00:09:16,645
- So he's a good person?

284
00:09:16,645 --> 00:09:18,257
- But it was- it did feel like an episode,

285
00:09:18,257 --> 00:09:19,602
he was like, "So what's going on?

286
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:20,671
What's the problem?"

287
00:09:20,671 --> 00:09:22,711
We're like, "The dog's
trying to kill the baby."

288
00:09:22,711 --> 00:09:23,632
And he was like, "Okay."

289
00:09:23,632 --> 00:09:24,889
- Whisper, start whispering.

290
00:09:24,889 --> 00:09:26,039
- (guests in unison) Yeah.

291
00:09:26,039 --> 00:09:26,997
- (whispering) Don't do it.

292
00:09:26,997 --> 00:09:28,705
- He did at one point do that (hisses)

293
00:09:28,705 --> 00:09:30,352
thing where he like pinches the dog.

294
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:33,464
And I got like, I've never
been starstruck by a gesture

295
00:09:33,464 --> 00:09:35,374
before, but I was like,
"He did the thing."

296
00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:36,515
- [Brian] Oh my God. He pinched him.

297
00:09:36,515 --> 00:09:38,315
- Did it work?

298
00:09:38,315 --> 00:09:40,801
- Well, so the first thing
he did was he was like,

299
00:09:40,801 --> 00:09:43,414
"So what we're going to do first
is I'm going to introduce."

300
00:09:43,414 --> 00:09:45,067
So this is gonna get confusing.

301
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,860
Our dog is named Turtle.

302
00:09:46,860 --> 00:09:48,843
So Cesar Milan was like,
"So the first thing

303
00:09:48,843 --> 00:09:52,196
we're going to do is
introduce Turtle to my parrot.

304
00:09:52,196 --> 00:09:55,485
And the parrot is an actual
parrot, not some other animal.

305
00:09:55,485 --> 00:09:56,532
- [Brian] I was hoping,
you know what I'm saying.

306
00:09:56,532 --> 00:10:00,892
- And so, the parrot sort of
nibbled at the dog's nose.

307
00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:02,556
And so, we did like some more exercises

308
00:10:02,556 --> 00:10:05,546
that were all weirdly bird related.

309
00:10:05,546 --> 00:10:07,481
Like I walked around with the baby

310
00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:09,980
and the dog around a group of chickens.

311
00:10:09,980 --> 00:10:11,005
(guests laughing)

312
00:10:11,005 --> 00:10:12,338
- Excuse me, is that for real?
- [Lily] That's insane.

313
00:10:12,338 --> 00:10:13,479
- That's for real.

314
00:10:13,479 --> 00:10:15,551
And I had to be very calm and confident.

315
00:10:15,551 --> 00:10:16,890
I was walking around and he was like,

316
00:10:16,890 --> 00:10:19,515
"No, no, no, no, no.
Be calm and confident.

317
00:10:19,515 --> 00:10:23,013
And then I did what I thought
to be the exact same thing.

318
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:25,096
And he was like, "Yeah,
good. That's better."

319
00:10:25,096 --> 00:10:25,929
Yeah, well.

320
00:10:25,929 --> 00:10:28,169
- And did you pay for this or
was Cesar just like so nice?

321
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:31,426
- I was very clear to my wife,

322
00:10:31,426 --> 00:10:34,494
get his rate before we go do this.

323
00:10:34,494 --> 00:10:35,327
(Grant laughs)
- [Brian] Yeah.

324
00:10:35,327 --> 00:10:36,248
- Because I don't know,

325
00:10:36,248 --> 00:10:39,191
I imagine this is unreasonably expensive.

326
00:10:39,191 --> 00:10:40,540
He never charged us at all.

327
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:41,373
(Lily gasps)

328
00:10:41,373 --> 00:10:42,206
- [Nick] Out of the goodness of his heart.

329
00:10:42,206 --> 00:10:43,039
- I love Cesar Milan.

330
00:10:43,039 --> 00:10:44,117
- That's why they DM Cesar Milan.

331
00:10:44,117 --> 00:10:46,154
You let go and let him-
- Pay me in Turkey meat.

332
00:10:46,154 --> 00:10:46,987
- Yeah.
(Brian laughs)

333
00:10:46,987 --> 00:10:47,820
- And that has it helped since?

334
00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:48,653
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

335
00:10:48,653 --> 00:10:51,379
- Should be clear, it has worked so far.

336
00:10:51,379 --> 00:10:52,212
- [Hayley] For how long?

337
00:10:52,212 --> 00:10:53,444
- The dog could still eat the baby,

338
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,253
in which case you can't air this.

339
00:10:55,253 --> 00:10:56,086
- [Brian] This is two days ago.

340
00:10:56,086 --> 00:10:56,919
(Hayley laughing)

341
00:10:56,919 --> 00:10:59,175
- All right, that is a point to Brian.

342
00:10:59,175 --> 00:11:00,008
- [Hayley] Mm.

343
00:11:00,008 --> 00:11:02,092
- [Lily] Next secret.
(Brian exhaling deeply)

344
00:11:02,092 --> 00:11:05,721
Who took 80 sleeping pills by accident?

345
00:11:05,721 --> 00:11:06,963
- 80 is eight-

346
00:11:06,963 --> 00:11:07,885
- 80.

347
00:11:07,885 --> 00:11:08,718
- 80.
- Eight zero.

348
00:11:08,718 --> 00:11:10,167
- Eight by zero.
- Accident?

349
00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:11,980
- By accident.
- None of us are dead.

350
00:11:11,980 --> 00:11:12,813
So this is gonna be-

351
00:11:12,813 --> 00:11:13,760
- Yeah, I was just gonna say-

352
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:14,593
- [Lily] By accident.

353
00:11:14,593 --> 00:11:16,903
- 80 pills in general is
tough to have by acci-

354
00:11:16,903 --> 00:11:18,578
That's like half an hour of taking pills.

355
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:19,411
- Yeah, that-

356
00:11:19,411 --> 00:11:20,244
- [Hayley] Used to half
hour of taking pills.

357
00:11:20,244 --> 00:11:21,230
- Maybe they thought they were Skittles.

358
00:11:21,230 --> 00:11:22,591
- I feel like it could be Grant,

359
00:11:22,591 --> 00:11:26,522
because you know mixologist in New York.

360
00:11:26,522 --> 00:11:28,583
- I'm a bull elephant. It
takes a lot to bring me down.

361
00:11:28,583 --> 00:11:30,156
- Wild, yeah, exactly. I could see this.

362
00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:32,811
- You faint when you're in
the front row of a movie.

363
00:11:32,811 --> 00:11:34,209
- Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

364
00:11:34,209 --> 00:11:35,042
- [Hayley] You could've sleeping pills

365
00:11:35,042 --> 00:11:35,875
in that drink right now.

366
00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:36,708
- I understand, front row is like,

367
00:11:36,708 --> 00:11:38,750
you have the neck craning and
cutting off your blood flow.

368
00:11:38,750 --> 00:11:39,583
I know about that.

369
00:11:39,583 --> 00:11:40,416
- Was it all at once?

370
00:11:40,416 --> 00:11:42,030
Maybe they just thought they
were taking a medication

371
00:11:42,030 --> 00:11:45,348
for 80 days and it was actually
one sleeping pill a day.

372
00:11:45,348 --> 00:11:48,225
- Oh, interesting.
- Oh, I have-

373
00:11:48,225 --> 00:11:49,280
- That's not allowed to be the secret.

374
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:50,906
- [Lily] It's so much.
(group laughing)

375
00:11:50,906 --> 00:11:52,783
- If the secret is I took one pill a day,

376
00:11:52,783 --> 00:11:53,616
I'm gonna be upset.

377
00:11:53,616 --> 00:11:55,751
- [Lily] That is so much.

378
00:11:55,751 --> 00:11:57,356
- Is sleeping pills melatonin?

379
00:11:57,356 --> 00:11:58,562
'Cause someone might be just like,

380
00:11:58,562 --> 00:12:01,852
"Take a bunch of melatonin."
- Is sleeping pills Melatonin?

381
00:12:01,852 --> 00:12:04,498
That's a good question because
melatonin is delicious.

382
00:12:04,498 --> 00:12:07,047
- [Nick] Yeah, that's fine.
. When I was a kid, actually,

383
00:12:07,047 --> 00:12:09,240
my mom did bring me to the
hospital because she came home

384
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:12,127
and I had eaten a whole
bottle of Flintstone vitamins.

385
00:12:12,127 --> 00:12:12,960
- Okay, so you-

386
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:13,793
- [Hayley] Oh.
- Okay.

387
00:12:13,793 --> 00:12:14,626
- [Brian] So you have no-

388
00:12:14,626 --> 00:12:15,603
- Pattern of behavior.
- [Hayley] You have history.

389
00:12:15,603 --> 00:12:18,519
Were you okay? What did the doctors say?

390
00:12:18,519 --> 00:12:19,517
- I was better than okay, I had-

391
00:12:19,517 --> 00:12:20,499
- You're like super healthy.

392
00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:21,629
- 90-
- So much Vitamin C.

393
00:12:21,629 --> 00:12:23,316
- [Pat] Eat 90 dinos and
you're gonna feel great.

394
00:12:23,316 --> 00:12:25,669
- All right. Let's get our guesses in.

395
00:12:25,669 --> 00:12:28,240
Brian, who do you think took
80 sleeping pills by accident?

396
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:29,699
- I'm gonna say Pat.

397
00:12:29,699 --> 00:12:33,619
And again, it's based on
just a vibe of kind of not-

398
00:12:33,619 --> 00:12:35,080
That's fair. That's fair.
- [Brian] Not, yeah.

399
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:35,913
- Nick?

400
00:12:35,913 --> 00:12:37,680
- Numbers wise, it's
gonna eventually check out

401
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,247
if I just keep guessing Pat.

402
00:12:39,247 --> 00:12:40,371
- Okay.
- So I will say Pat.

403
00:12:40,371 --> 00:12:41,840
- True.
- Right. Hayley?

404
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:43,120
- I'm gonna go with Grant.

405
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,798
- Oh, I keep forgetting.
- [Hayley] Yeah.

406
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,072
- I'm also gonna go with Grant.

407
00:12:46,072 --> 00:12:49,052
I think it just sounds like a Grant story.

408
00:12:49,052 --> 00:12:49,885
- [Hayley] Yeah.

409
00:12:49,885 --> 00:12:50,718
- [Pat] I don't-

410
00:12:50,718 --> 00:12:52,064
- Like something a buffoon would do?

411
00:12:52,064 --> 00:12:53,647
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

412
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:54,595
- It's a bit of a buffoonery.

413
00:12:54,595 --> 00:12:57,184
- He's been shotgunning
peanuts back there off camera

414
00:12:57,184 --> 00:12:59,485
- Yeah, I could picture
it. Yeah, I see it.

415
00:12:59,485 --> 00:13:01,955
All right, well, the person
who took 80 sleeping pills

416
00:13:01,955 --> 00:13:04,654
by accident, please take
a sip of their drink.

417
00:13:04,654 --> 00:13:07,654
(suspenseful music)

418
00:13:09,107 --> 00:13:11,057
- Got you, bitches.
- Oh.

419
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:12,822
- Take a sip, you sip, you sip!

420
00:13:12,822 --> 00:13:15,163
- (laughing) I like to break roles.

421
00:13:15,163 --> 00:13:17,451
- Three points to Hayley.
- [Brian] Wow.

422
00:13:17,451 --> 00:13:20,496
- So I went to Europe with my bestie.

423
00:13:20,496 --> 00:13:21,329
- There you go.

424
00:13:21,329 --> 00:13:23,624
- And as I was walking around Europe,

425
00:13:23,624 --> 00:13:25,456
I was like, "Oh my God, my hip hurts."

426
00:13:25,456 --> 00:13:27,414
And it just kept getting worse and worse.

427
00:13:27,414 --> 00:13:29,277
So I'm walking and I'm like,

428
00:13:29,277 --> 00:13:32,648
"Oh my God, this is excruciating."

429
00:13:32,648 --> 00:13:34,037
And I was like, "Well, you know what?"

430
00:13:34,037 --> 00:13:35,616
'Cause I don't normally
take pharmaceuticals.

431
00:13:35,616 --> 00:13:37,625
I'm like super holistic, you know?

432
00:13:37,625 --> 00:13:39,810
But I was like, "Oh you know what?

433
00:13:39,810 --> 00:13:43,227
Great packing job,
Hayley, you packed Advil."

434
00:13:43,227 --> 00:13:45,816
You know, in case something
happened, you're so prepared.

435
00:13:45,816 --> 00:13:48,486
So I went to take like one or two Advil

436
00:13:48,486 --> 00:13:51,896
and my best friend who I
was traveling with was like,

437
00:13:51,896 --> 00:13:54,728
"My dad's a doctor and he said
that you can actually take

438
00:13:54,728 --> 00:13:56,400
four Advil at a time."

439
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,377
- [Lily] Yeah.
- And you heard 80.

440
00:13:57,377 --> 00:13:59,019
- (laughs) And I heard 80.

441
00:13:59,895 --> 00:14:02,304
Okay, so I was like, "Okay, great."

442
00:14:02,304 --> 00:14:04,397
I took four and that
was like in the morning.

443
00:14:04,397 --> 00:14:06,707
But then we're walking, walking, walking.

444
00:14:06,707 --> 00:14:08,867
So by the evening time I would be like,

445
00:14:08,867 --> 00:14:10,906
"I need to take another four."

446
00:14:10,906 --> 00:14:14,294
So we meet up at this
speakeasy, like this whole,

447
00:14:14,294 --> 00:14:15,127
it's this whole thing.

448
00:14:15,127 --> 00:14:16,085
- Like this.

449
00:14:16,085 --> 00:14:18,015
- Just like this. Exactly.

450
00:14:18,015 --> 00:14:21,536
And so, I'm starting to feel
like the walls close in.

451
00:14:21,536 --> 00:14:24,107
Everything starts looking
like a Salvador Dali painting

452
00:14:24,107 --> 00:14:26,505
and I'm trying to like play it off, right?

453
00:14:26,505 --> 00:14:28,661
And then eventually I
was like, "I'm gonna go,

454
00:14:28,661 --> 00:14:29,947
I'm just gonna go use the restroom."

455
00:14:29,947 --> 00:14:33,227
And I lay down like on
the cold bathroom floor

456
00:14:33,227 --> 00:14:35,296
and I was like, "Do I
just pretend to be cool

457
00:14:35,296 --> 00:14:36,995
and make it through this or do I actually,

458
00:14:36,995 --> 00:14:38,881
I need to take care of
myself in this moment?

459
00:14:38,881 --> 00:14:40,598
So I went back to the party.
- And better take some more.

460
00:14:40,598 --> 00:14:41,798
- [Hayley] I better
take some more sleeping.

461
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:44,038
Yeah, I better take some more
Advil. I'm in a lot of pain.

462
00:14:44,038 --> 00:14:45,668
I was like, "You know what, I'm gonna go,

463
00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:46,670
I'm just gonna get an Uber.

464
00:14:46,670 --> 00:14:50,177
I'm gonna go back to the
Airbnb and I'll see you later."

465
00:14:50,177 --> 00:14:53,307
So I went to the Airbnb. I took a nap.

466
00:14:53,307 --> 00:14:55,477
- I bet you did.
- Yeah! (laughing)

467
00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:56,782
- She calls it a nap.
- Yeah, I called it a nap.

468
00:14:56,782 --> 00:14:57,840
- A fun day.

469
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,011
- And you woke up and
you were here shooting-

470
00:14:59,011 --> 00:15:00,310
- And I was here.
- [Lily] Yeah.

471
00:15:00,310 --> 00:15:03,233
- I took a nap and set my alarm

472
00:15:03,233 --> 00:15:05,921
because we had really fun
dinner reservations that night.

473
00:15:05,921 --> 00:15:06,754
So I'm-

474
00:15:06,754 --> 00:15:07,850
- I'm just also just doing some basic math

475
00:15:07,850 --> 00:15:10,484
and there are 72 more pills together.

476
00:15:10,484 --> 00:15:11,442
- Oh yeah, because the-

477
00:15:11,442 --> 00:15:12,500
- Yeah, yeah, that's right.

478
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:14,406
- You guys, the trip was 10 days.

479
00:15:14,406 --> 00:15:17,124
This is just the first day
that I took the pills, okay?

480
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,736
So I go to dinner that night

481
00:15:18,736 --> 00:15:20,535
and I'm trying to get to the restaurant

482
00:15:20,535 --> 00:15:23,526
and I can't even find my Uber.

483
00:15:23,526 --> 00:15:26,054
Like I'm fully delirious,
but I'm just like,

484
00:15:26,054 --> 00:15:27,986
"Ooh, it's because I'm in
a new country, blah, blah."

485
00:15:27,986 --> 00:15:30,187
- Jet lag. Yeah.
- Jet lag. Exactly.

486
00:15:30,187 --> 00:15:31,446
We get to the restaurant

487
00:15:31,446 --> 00:15:33,935
and I'm just crying at the table again.

488
00:15:33,935 --> 00:15:35,360
Like, (laughs) I'm sobbing.
(guests laugh)

489
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:36,562
- You're fun to travel with.

490
00:15:36,562 --> 00:15:38,627
- Everything is, but I'm
thinking it's like it,

491
00:15:38,627 --> 00:15:39,574
you know, whatever.

492
00:15:39,574 --> 00:15:43,072
So then multiple, the next
day goes by. Hip still hurts.

493
00:15:43,072 --> 00:15:44,477
Okay, let me take my Advil

494
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:46,859
and I'm starting to like confuse languages

495
00:15:46,859 --> 00:15:48,196
and at this point we're in Paris

496
00:15:48,196 --> 00:15:51,546
and I'm calling the Eiffel
Tower, The Statue of Liberty.

497
00:15:51,546 --> 00:15:52,885
(Grant laughs)
And instead of saying-

498
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:54,194
- Which is what it should
be called, by the way.

499
00:15:54,194 --> 00:15:56,094
- Which is what it should
be called: freedom.

500
00:15:56,094 --> 00:15:57,476
And so, 10 days go by,

501
00:15:57,476 --> 00:16:00,256
I'm upping the Advil dosage every day.

502
00:16:00,256 --> 00:16:01,457
And then on the last day in the airport.

503
00:16:01,457 --> 00:16:05,150
- You're fully in the movie
"Inception" at this point.

504
00:16:05,150 --> 00:16:07,730
- We're at the airport now,
like we're flying home.

505
00:16:07,730 --> 00:16:09,380
We've been in Europe for 10 days.

506
00:16:09,380 --> 00:16:11,561
The last day my bestie is like,

507
00:16:11,561 --> 00:16:13,203
"Oh, I have a little bit of a headache.

508
00:16:13,203 --> 00:16:15,250
Can I have some of your
Advil?" And I was like, "Yeah."

509
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:19,505
So I hand my friend my blue
gel cap Advils and she's like,

510
00:16:19,505 --> 00:16:21,945
"Oh, thanks but do you have
any that aren't Advil PM?"

511
00:16:21,945 --> 00:16:24,463
And I was like, "Wait, what?"

512
00:16:24,463 --> 00:16:27,853
And she was like, "This is Advil PM."

513
00:16:27,853 --> 00:16:30,407
And I was like, "This is," I was like,

514
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,442
"I've been taking eight of these a day.

515
00:16:32,442 --> 00:16:34,887
This explains everything."
- [Brian] That's amazing.

516
00:16:34,887 --> 00:16:37,412
- I'm sorry, you just to start though.

517
00:16:37,412 --> 00:16:40,105
You packed 80 Advil PM?

518
00:16:40,105 --> 00:16:41,242
(group laughing)

519
00:16:41,242 --> 00:16:43,759
- They we're on sale, okay?
(Hayley laughs)

520
00:16:43,759 --> 00:16:48,678
- That's three points
to Hayley. Next secret.

521
00:16:48,678 --> 00:16:51,588
Who may have been the target

522
00:16:51,588 --> 00:16:54,838
of a holiday party sting operation?

523
00:16:54,838 --> 00:16:56,346
- This one.
- Why that one?

524
00:16:56,346 --> 00:16:58,975
- I just do... I'm getting vibes

525
00:16:58,975 --> 00:17:01,236
- You heard the word "sting"
and you looked at him.

526
00:17:01,236 --> 00:17:02,589
- Yeah, it's the mustache thing.

527
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:04,773
This is a sting like type mustache.

528
00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:06,337
- [Lily] Yeah.
- This is a recent thing

529
00:17:06,337 --> 00:17:07,170
'cause he is on the lamb.

530
00:17:07,170 --> 00:17:09,446
- Someone explained to me
how a sting operation works.

531
00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:12,766
- You're trying to catch
someone in like who's guilty.

532
00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:14,193
- Like you pose as a drug dealer and then-

533
00:17:14,193 --> 00:17:15,640
- Yeah, so you get them to buy drugs

534
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:19,010
or you make like a fraud
transfer or whatever.

535
00:17:19,010 --> 00:17:21,296
- It could be sometimes with people

536
00:17:21,296 --> 00:17:22,926
where they have existing warrants,

537
00:17:22,926 --> 00:17:24,171
they'll do things like where they go,

538
00:17:24,171 --> 00:17:26,324
"Hey, you want a boat?
Come get your boat."

539
00:17:26,324 --> 00:17:28,656
But if this person was particularly
lonely, they'd be like,

540
00:17:28,656 --> 00:17:30,311
"Hey, you're invited to a holiday party."

541
00:17:30,311 --> 00:17:31,667
- Or a random and a company
you're not involved.

542
00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:33,507
- They show up. You're under arrest.

543
00:17:33,507 --> 00:17:35,416
- I still think it's you but for no reason

544
00:17:35,416 --> 00:17:36,408
other than my

545
00:17:36,408 --> 00:17:38,235
women's intuition.

546
00:17:38,235 --> 00:17:40,195
- Vibe based guesses have been doing well.

547
00:17:40,195 --> 00:17:41,028
That's kind what I'm doing.

548
00:17:41,028 --> 00:17:43,634
- Yeah, her intuition did
make her eat 80 Advil PM.

549
00:17:43,634 --> 00:17:44,613
(group laughing)

550
00:17:44,613 --> 00:17:46,613
Let's get our guesses in.
- [Pat] Yeah.

551
00:17:46,613 --> 00:17:47,815
- Who may have been the target

552
00:17:47,815 --> 00:17:50,084
of a holiday party sting operation?

553
00:17:50,084 --> 00:17:50,917
Nick?

554
00:17:50,917 --> 00:17:53,153
- I mean, surely this one has to be Pat.

555
00:17:53,153 --> 00:17:54,204
- Hayley, who do you think.

556
00:17:54,204 --> 00:17:56,220
- Pat, 'cause I can see
Pat really getting down

557
00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:57,073
at a holiday party.

558
00:17:57,073 --> 00:17:59,262
And then again, women's intuition.

559
00:17:59,262 --> 00:18:01,318
- This is a visualization
exercise for Hayley

560
00:18:01,318 --> 00:18:03,200
where she can see each person.

561
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,235
- Pat?
- Grant again.

562
00:18:05,235 --> 00:18:06,739
I feel bad, but I just...

563
00:18:06,739 --> 00:18:09,611
I also intuition, and
again, also statistics.

564
00:18:09,611 --> 00:18:10,979
- I party.
- [Lily] Brian?

565
00:18:10,979 --> 00:18:13,047
- Yeah, I'm gonna pig
pile on Grant as well.

566
00:18:13,047 --> 00:18:14,366
- Well, the person who
may have been the target

567
00:18:14,366 --> 00:18:16,374
of a holiday party sting operation,

568
00:18:16,374 --> 00:18:18,566
please take a sip of their drink.

569
00:18:18,566 --> 00:18:21,566
(suspenseful music)

570
00:18:23,795 --> 00:18:24,891
(Brian gasps)
- [Nick] Finally.

571
00:18:24,891 --> 00:18:26,058
- Wow.
- [Grant] Wowee.

572
00:18:26,937 --> 00:18:28,382
Wowee.
- Yay, cheers.

573
00:18:28,382 --> 00:18:30,065
- [Brian] Jump right in there.

574
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:32,246
- This was when CollegeHumor
was still in New York,

575
00:18:32,246 --> 00:18:34,222
kind of early days.

576
00:18:34,222 --> 00:18:36,385
CollegeHumor was invited

577
00:18:36,385 --> 00:18:39,964
'cause our neighbors
at our New York office

578
00:18:39,964 --> 00:18:42,505
were the offices of
High Times the magazine.

579
00:18:42,505 --> 00:18:44,001
(Lily laughing)
- Magazine.

580
00:18:44,001 --> 00:18:45,826
- That's fun.
- Oh my God.

581
00:18:45,826 --> 00:18:49,931
- And no one really wanted
to go but I had two thoughts,

582
00:18:49,931 --> 00:18:51,142
neither of which are very cool.

583
00:18:51,142 --> 00:18:54,748
One was, well, you know,
I know it's High Times,

584
00:18:54,748 --> 00:18:57,302
but like thinking they're
gonna get high at High Times.

585
00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:58,135
That's like thinking you go to like

586
00:18:58,135 --> 00:18:59,462
Sports Illustrated Magazine,

587
00:18:59,462 --> 00:19:01,518
and they're gonna be playing
baseball in the hallway.

588
00:19:01,518 --> 00:19:03,371
So they're probably like
not gonna be getting high.

589
00:19:03,371 --> 00:19:04,929
Not true at all, it was completely wrong.

590
00:19:04,929 --> 00:19:06,427
It was like more highness
than I've ever seen.

591
00:19:06,427 --> 00:19:07,260
- Oh yeah.

592
00:19:07,260 --> 00:19:08,201
- And then the second thing,

593
00:19:08,201 --> 00:19:10,070
and this is really embarrassing was like,

594
00:19:10,070 --> 00:19:11,630
"this will be a great networking event."

595
00:19:11,630 --> 00:19:13,001
(Lily laughing)

596
00:19:13,001 --> 00:19:14,614
- [Brian] Because they're gonna
remember our conversation.

597
00:19:14,614 --> 00:19:16,187
- Listen, it was early CollegeHumor-

598
00:19:16,187 --> 00:19:17,181
- [Hayley] So funny.

599
00:19:17,181 --> 00:19:18,733
- [Pat] It was not what it was now.

600
00:19:18,733 --> 00:19:21,561
I gotta jump ship, get
off this CollegeHumor boat

601
00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:22,394
and go to High Times.

602
00:19:22,394 --> 00:19:23,793
- I guess some people are focused.

603
00:19:23,793 --> 00:19:25,374
- So I do go to this holiday party

604
00:19:25,374 --> 00:19:28,702
and every pastry there
was like loaded with weed.

605
00:19:28,702 --> 00:19:31,694
I had never eaten edibles
before, which I now realize,

606
00:19:31,694 --> 00:19:33,955
I guess gets you much more
high in a different way.

607
00:19:33,955 --> 00:19:36,084
So I got very, very stoned

608
00:19:36,084 --> 00:19:39,601
and I started talking to
this girl who worked there.

609
00:19:39,601 --> 00:19:41,379
She was one of the writers
or one of the editors

610
00:19:41,379 --> 00:19:42,969
and she's like showing me
around the office and stuff.

611
00:19:42,969 --> 00:19:44,633
And I'm just getting really, really high.

612
00:19:44,633 --> 00:19:46,859
And then she takes me into her office

613
00:19:46,859 --> 00:19:50,003
and she has all these jugs of fertilizer

614
00:19:50,003 --> 00:19:52,642
'cause it's like she grows pot obviously.

615
00:19:52,642 --> 00:19:54,950
And this by the way, this
is like back in the day,

616
00:19:54,950 --> 00:19:57,642
I don't think it was quite
as legal as it is now.

617
00:19:57,642 --> 00:19:58,872
- Meaning it was illegal.

618
00:19:58,872 --> 00:20:00,731
- It was like aughts, they're like aughts.

619
00:20:00,731 --> 00:20:01,691
The late aughts, early teens.

620
00:20:01,691 --> 00:20:03,750
- Oh yeah, fully illegal.
- Yeah, illegal. Now, less.

621
00:20:03,750 --> 00:20:04,889
- Was it legal at that point?

622
00:20:04,889 --> 00:20:06,819
- (guests) No.
- No, it just became legal.

623
00:20:06,819 --> 00:20:09,258
- In my brain, it was
like a class, you know,

624
00:20:09,258 --> 00:20:10,528
whatever, it was a felony.

625
00:20:10,528 --> 00:20:14,726
So she showed me the fertilizer
and then she is like,

626
00:20:14,726 --> 00:20:16,488
"Hey, the party's winding down.

627
00:20:16,488 --> 00:20:18,677
Do you mind helping me bring
these back to my apartment?

628
00:20:18,677 --> 00:20:20,806
I live around the corner," right?

629
00:20:20,806 --> 00:20:25,298
So in my head, obviously, I
think this is a sting operation.

630
00:20:25,298 --> 00:20:28,698
And I think I had read something
about having fertilizer

631
00:20:28,698 --> 00:20:30,053
is like an act of terrorism.

632
00:20:30,053 --> 00:20:32,501
- I had the same thought with
my fertilizer after 9/11.

633
00:20:32,501 --> 00:20:35,150
Like the first thing I said,
"Am I doing something here?"

634
00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:38,109
- I just thought there
was a non-zero chance

635
00:20:38,109 --> 00:20:39,680
that this was a sting operation.

636
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,936
And I just some like
story I had heard about

637
00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:43,848
just because of the technicalities,

638
00:20:43,848 --> 00:20:45,368
it was actually a federal offense.

639
00:20:45,368 --> 00:20:48,286
And I would go to prison for like

640
00:20:48,286 --> 00:20:51,353
the rest of my life or 10 years.

641
00:20:51,353 --> 00:20:52,942
And I was like, "No problem."

642
00:20:52,942 --> 00:20:54,142
And I was like, "I'll be right back."

643
00:20:54,142 --> 00:20:55,371
And I just walked out of her office

644
00:20:55,371 --> 00:20:56,827
and immediately left
the party and went home.

645
00:20:56,827 --> 00:20:59,393
- Oh my God. I think she
wanted to make out with you.

646
00:20:59,393 --> 00:21:00,871
- That's what I've been told in the...

647
00:21:00,871 --> 00:21:02,371
That's what my friend
said in the aftermath

648
00:21:02,371 --> 00:21:04,047
but in my head it was-
- Yeah.

649
00:21:04,047 --> 00:21:06,202
- Of course, she was at her office

650
00:21:06,202 --> 00:21:08,115
surrounded by people she knows.

651
00:21:08,115 --> 00:21:08,948
- [Pat] Yeah.
- [Nick] Yeah.

652
00:21:08,948 --> 00:21:11,861
- And said, "Hey, you,
Pat, the guy who's here.

653
00:21:11,861 --> 00:21:12,694
Will you come to my apartment?"

654
00:21:12,694 --> 00:21:14,770
- I mean, what more
devious sting operation

655
00:21:14,770 --> 00:21:15,966
than that though, you know?

656
00:21:15,966 --> 00:21:18,063
- But she tells the story too.

657
00:21:18,063 --> 00:21:20,934
- It's asking someone to
bring all your fertilizer

658
00:21:20,934 --> 00:21:23,017
home with you not flirtatious
enough for you, Pat?

659
00:21:23,017 --> 00:21:24,100
- [Brian] Oh, that is the most-

660
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:26,565
- I'm waiting for it to happen
again, I know I blew it.

661
00:21:26,565 --> 00:21:28,874
- Next time you'll recognize the signs.

662
00:21:28,874 --> 00:21:32,450
- You never heard the
euphemism tote that fertilizer?

663
00:21:32,450 --> 00:21:33,458
- I used to saying, it doesn't work

664
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:34,490
- Did you tote her fertilizer, bro?

665
00:21:34,490 --> 00:21:36,140
- Gonna get oxygenate that soil.

666
00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:36,973
(Brian laughing)

667
00:21:36,973 --> 00:21:38,055
- That is points to Hayley and Nick.

668
00:21:38,055 --> 00:21:38,888
- [Pat] Dammit.

669
00:21:38,888 --> 00:21:41,279
- That's it for round one. We
are gonna take a quick break.

670
00:21:41,279 --> 00:21:44,532
But in the meantime, hey
Grant, what are we drinking?

671
00:21:44,532 --> 00:21:45,940
(mellow music)

672
00:21:46,845 --> 00:21:49,791
- Today's cocktail is the Lake Erie slush.

673
00:21:49,791 --> 00:21:52,290
And friends, I wanna tell you a story.

674
00:21:52,290 --> 00:21:57,290
This cocktail is the very first
drink I ever had in my life.

675
00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:00,211
I was seven years old.

676
00:22:00,211 --> 00:22:04,159
I was at grandma and grandpa
Arps's house at Christmas time.

677
00:22:04,159 --> 00:22:05,829
I said, "What are you drinking, mom?"

678
00:22:05,829 --> 00:22:08,244
And she said, "I'm drinking
something for adults."

679
00:22:08,244 --> 00:22:12,801
I'm a big boy, I can have it.
She said, "Oh yeah, try some."

680
00:22:12,801 --> 00:22:16,318
And I came over and I
grabbed her frosty cup

681
00:22:16,318 --> 00:22:18,964
and I stuck my finger
in it for some reason.

682
00:22:18,964 --> 00:22:23,964
And then I tasted my
first taste of alcohol

683
00:22:25,128 --> 00:22:27,994
and it tasted so, so bad.

684
00:22:27,994 --> 00:22:32,500
But it set me off on a
lifelong journey of cocktails

685
00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:35,817
and booze that I'm sure
will only pay dividends

686
00:22:35,817 --> 00:22:37,161
for years to come.

687
00:22:37,161 --> 00:22:41,266
We're gonna start by making a tea syrup.

688
00:22:41,266 --> 00:22:43,933
Now, our tea syrup is going to be

689
00:22:43,933 --> 00:22:46,506
very, very strong black tea.

690
00:22:46,506 --> 00:22:50,916
To make it, I use four black
tea bags per cup of hot water.

691
00:22:50,916 --> 00:22:52,186
We need two cups of it.

692
00:22:52,186 --> 00:22:55,567
So eight tea bags, two cups of hot water

693
00:22:55,567 --> 00:22:57,804
and two cups of sugar.

694
00:22:57,804 --> 00:23:00,555
This needs to go right
into a vessel of some kind.

695
00:23:00,555 --> 00:23:03,138
A lot of times, people make
it in old cool whip containers

696
00:23:03,138 --> 00:23:05,857
'cause in the Midwest,
we don't waste anything.

697
00:23:05,857 --> 00:23:07,558
Whatever you use, make sure it's something

698
00:23:07,558 --> 00:23:09,198
that can sit in your freezer overnight

699
00:23:09,198 --> 00:23:11,192
because this is gonna go in to freeze.

700
00:23:11,192 --> 00:23:15,586
I'm gonna start with my
two cups of tea syrup.

701
00:23:15,586 --> 00:23:18,002
Next thing I'm gonna add a 12-ounce tube

702
00:23:18,002 --> 00:23:20,606
of frozen orange juice concentrate.

703
00:23:20,606 --> 00:23:23,440
This started frozen, but
you wanna let it thaw

704
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:28,144
before you add it so it turns into gloop.

705
00:23:28,144 --> 00:23:29,720
Now, we need another can of gloop.

706
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:32,274
You can use any frozen juice you want.

707
00:23:32,274 --> 00:23:35,341
There are a lot of different
brandy slushes that'll use

708
00:23:35,341 --> 00:23:38,625
more orange juice or cranberry
juice for the holidays.

709
00:23:38,625 --> 00:23:40,555
To make it a Lake Erie slush,

710
00:23:40,555 --> 00:23:44,051
we're gonna use frozen
limeade concentrate.

711
00:23:44,051 --> 00:23:46,782
Now, we're gonna add our
booze. Two cups of Korbel.

712
00:23:46,782 --> 00:23:48,304
Real ones know Korbel.

713
00:23:48,304 --> 00:23:51,887
I'm gonna add this
right to my slushie mix.

714
00:23:54,860 --> 00:23:58,034
Next thing I'm gonna add,
five cups of cold water.

715
00:23:58,034 --> 00:24:00,360
This is a party drink, so
we're making a big batch

716
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:02,027
for a lot of people.

717
00:24:03,128 --> 00:24:04,884
Now, this is gonna go in
the freezer overnight,

718
00:24:04,884 --> 00:24:08,241
at which point you'll be left with this.

719
00:24:08,241 --> 00:24:10,730
It's frozen into a slush mixture.

720
00:24:10,730 --> 00:24:12,536
Now, it's not gonna freeze solid

721
00:24:12,536 --> 00:24:14,553
because as we all know,

722
00:24:14,553 --> 00:24:18,134
alcohol has a lower freezing
point than water does.

723
00:24:18,134 --> 00:24:21,298
So what's happened here
is all of that cold water

724
00:24:21,298 --> 00:24:25,064
and juice concentrate that
we've put in there has frozen

725
00:24:25,064 --> 00:24:27,488
and the alcohol is in between

726
00:24:27,488 --> 00:24:29,575
keeping it from really hardening up.

727
00:24:29,575 --> 00:24:33,228
So what you're left with is a slush.

728
00:24:33,228 --> 00:24:37,567
To make your drink,
you're gonna get your cup

729
00:24:37,567 --> 00:24:40,240
and you're gonna scoop
almost all the way up

730
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:41,739
to the top of your cup.

731
00:24:41,739 --> 00:24:44,259
Most of your drink will be this slush.

732
00:24:44,259 --> 00:24:46,391
But we're gonna stop here

733
00:24:46,391 --> 00:24:48,333
and we're gonna top that off with soda.

734
00:24:48,333 --> 00:24:51,515
A lot of times a brandy punch
will use 7 Up or Sprite.

735
00:24:51,515 --> 00:24:54,612
But I'm a proper northern boy.

736
00:24:54,612 --> 00:24:58,707
So we're going to use a proper
northern drink, Vernors.

737
00:24:58,707 --> 00:25:01,584
Fill that almost up to the lip

738
00:25:01,584 --> 00:25:04,409
and you're gonna give
everything a little stir.

739
00:25:04,409 --> 00:25:06,047
Now, we're gonna use garnishes.

740
00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:09,691
As you know, I tend to avoid
using maraschino cherries

741
00:25:09,691 --> 00:25:12,672
as a garnish, but this
is a Lake Erie slush.

742
00:25:12,672 --> 00:25:15,875
And in my memory, Lake Erie always has

743
00:25:15,875 --> 00:25:17,618
a little bit of garbage floating in it.

744
00:25:17,618 --> 00:25:20,018
So here's one Maraschino cherry.

745
00:25:20,018 --> 00:25:21,116
Now, some people serve this slush

746
00:25:21,116 --> 00:25:22,979
with a spoon to eat it like a dessert.

747
00:25:22,979 --> 00:25:26,072
Some people serve it with a
straw to drink it like a drink.

748
00:25:26,072 --> 00:25:27,416
I don't do any of that.

749
00:25:27,416 --> 00:25:30,833
I pick it up and I eat it like it's snow.

750
00:25:33,003 --> 00:25:36,562
This is a Lake Erie slush.

751
00:25:42,666 --> 00:25:45,357
♪ Swear I never lie to you. ♪

752
00:25:45,357 --> 00:25:48,497
- And we're back. Let's recap the scores.

753
00:25:48,497 --> 00:25:50,830
We have Nick with one point.

754
00:25:51,761 --> 00:25:52,844
- Pathetic.
- Boo.

755
00:25:52,844 --> 00:25:54,533
- So pathetic.
- That sucks.

756
00:25:54,533 --> 00:25:55,865
- [Lily] Pat with zero points.

757
00:25:55,865 --> 00:25:57,124
- [Grant] That fucking sucks.
- Oh, that's worse.

758
00:25:57,124 --> 00:25:58,160
- That's worse than Nick.
- [Grant] Pat, that sucks.

759
00:25:58,160 --> 00:25:59,174
- [Brian] That's amazing.

760
00:25:59,174 --> 00:26:00,358
- [Lily] Brian with four points.

761
00:26:00,358 --> 00:26:02,283
- (laughs) That's amazing.

762
00:26:02,283 --> 00:26:03,116
- Shit.

763
00:26:03,116 --> 00:26:04,644
- And Hayley, who also has four points.

764
00:26:04,644 --> 00:26:06,214
- So Brian and I are tied.

765
00:26:06,214 --> 00:26:07,846
- [Lily] Yes.
- Yeah, but I'm still ahead.

766
00:26:07,846 --> 00:26:09,701
- It's anyone's game. Next secret.

767
00:26:09,701 --> 00:26:11,189
- Math is not an exact science.

768
00:26:11,189 --> 00:26:15,364
- Who ended a relationship using sorcery?

769
00:26:15,364 --> 00:26:16,197
- You.

770
00:26:17,197 --> 00:26:18,414
- Me?
- Wow.

771
00:26:18,414 --> 00:26:19,652
- I can see that.
- I like the confidence.

772
00:26:19,652 --> 00:26:22,537
- No, I end a relationship
by wearing them down.

773
00:26:22,537 --> 00:26:23,649
- A witch hunt.
- [Lily] Yeah.

774
00:26:23,649 --> 00:26:25,653
- Which I've been wanting to come back

775
00:26:25,653 --> 00:26:27,086
and I'm very glad about that.

776
00:26:27,086 --> 00:26:27,919
- [Lily] Yes.

777
00:26:27,919 --> 00:26:29,390
- It is a bad look for
the men here to be like,

778
00:26:29,390 --> 00:26:30,771
"I think you're the sorceress.

779
00:26:30,771 --> 00:26:31,800
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

780
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,758
- Well, who...

781
00:26:33,758 --> 00:26:34,950
Can't just break up with someone.

782
00:26:34,950 --> 00:26:37,201
- Yeah, who will go to extremes to-

783
00:26:37,201 --> 00:26:39,360
- Who's not in therapy?

784
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:40,193
- Oh, we're all-

785
00:26:40,193 --> 00:26:41,595
- I just ended therapy 'cause it fixed me.

786
00:26:41,595 --> 00:26:42,918
- [Brian] Oh wow.
- The question it was who-

787
00:26:42,918 --> 00:26:43,751
- [Brian] I should get that therapist.

788
00:26:43,751 --> 00:26:44,842
- Could also be something with like,

789
00:26:44,842 --> 00:26:47,106
their father didn't want
them to become a wizard

790
00:26:47,106 --> 00:26:51,598
and so, because they became
a wizard, they were disowned.

791
00:26:51,598 --> 00:26:54,262
- Oh yeah, it doesn't say
romantic relationship.

792
00:26:54,262 --> 00:26:55,428
It could be any relationship.

793
00:26:55,428 --> 00:26:56,266
- [Lily] Ended a relationship. Yes.

794
00:26:56,266 --> 00:26:59,199
- Could the sorcery be
like a tarot card reading?

795
00:26:59,199 --> 00:27:01,311
And they were just like, "Oh,
you should break up with him."

796
00:27:01,311 --> 00:27:02,277
- [Lily] Yeah.
- Oh, okay, I'm with her.

797
00:27:02,277 --> 00:27:04,020
- And I don't believe
in that shit, but maybe.

798
00:27:04,020 --> 00:27:05,136
- [Brian] Oh, you say you don't.

799
00:27:05,136 --> 00:27:07,634
- Also, I feel like if you
are like identify as a witch,

800
00:27:07,634 --> 00:27:10,678
you probably would not
call what you do sorcery.

801
00:27:10,678 --> 00:27:11,677
I don't know that, I don't know-

802
00:27:11,677 --> 00:27:13,630
- I don't think the person,

803
00:27:13,630 --> 00:27:16,292
I think they got an
outside sorcery service.

804
00:27:16,292 --> 00:27:17,125
- I think so too.

805
00:27:17,125 --> 00:27:18,439
- Oh, and there's an app for that.

806
00:27:18,439 --> 00:27:19,647
I can tell you guys about it.

807
00:27:19,647 --> 00:27:21,806
- They had a contract sorcerer?

808
00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:22,677
- They brought. Yeah, yeah.

809
00:27:22,677 --> 00:27:23,635
- But I will say this,

810
00:27:23,635 --> 00:27:28,635
a lot of witches don't
want to do dark spells.

811
00:27:29,124 --> 00:27:30,161
- So you know witches?

812
00:27:30,161 --> 00:27:32,141
- So you know about, you
know at that emotional state.

813
00:27:32,141 --> 00:27:33,724
- I would say that I'm a witch.

814
00:27:33,724 --> 00:27:34,560
- You're like defending it now.

815
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,518
- Oh no, no. Basically,
everyone I know is a witch.

816
00:27:36,518 --> 00:27:37,351
- Which is interesting.

817
00:27:37,351 --> 00:27:39,386
No, I'm in the witch community.

818
00:27:39,386 --> 00:27:41,308
I'm basically part of a coven.

819
00:27:41,308 --> 00:27:42,412
- Oh my God. I heard the networking-

820
00:27:42,412 --> 00:27:44,120
- [Nick] That's true.
- Is so good in the coven.

821
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,097
- I don't like that word.

822
00:27:45,097 --> 00:27:49,074
I'm offended that we're equating
sorcery with witchcraft.

823
00:27:49,074 --> 00:27:49,907
I just wanna say it.

824
00:27:49,907 --> 00:27:51,192
- Oh, interesting.
- Someone's gotta say it.

825
00:27:51,192 --> 00:27:52,025
They're not the same.

826
00:27:52,025 --> 00:27:53,469
- Wait, so what sorcery
if it's not witchcraft?

827
00:27:53,469 --> 00:27:56,309
- Oh, is it S-U-S-O-U-R-C-E?

828
00:27:56,309 --> 00:27:58,454
- No, everything spelled
normal, would you-

829
00:27:58,454 --> 00:27:59,729
- We need to know the
spelling of these questions.

830
00:27:59,729 --> 00:28:00,689
- They do the normal
spelling on this show.

831
00:28:00,689 --> 00:28:02,574
- Sorcery like sores, like
cold sore or something.

832
00:28:02,574 --> 00:28:04,242
- Let's get our guesses in.

833
00:28:04,242 --> 00:28:06,457
- Yeah, cold, yeah, that's the source.

834
00:28:06,457 --> 00:28:08,540
- Nick, who's your guess?

835
00:28:09,398 --> 00:28:13,312
- I mean, I do want to guess
Pat for the running bit of it,

836
00:28:13,312 --> 00:28:15,009
but I don't know if
everyone's been tracking

837
00:28:15,009 --> 00:28:16,805
that. I've been guessing Pat each time.

838
00:28:16,805 --> 00:28:18,466
I guess Pat.

839
00:28:18,466 --> 00:28:21,691
- I'm gonna say Hayley just
because I do think that

840
00:28:21,691 --> 00:28:23,827
it's not literally witchcraft,

841
00:28:23,827 --> 00:28:26,256
but it could be something
like tarot adjacent.

842
00:28:26,256 --> 00:28:28,355
- Living in LA makes you tarot adjacent.

843
00:28:28,355 --> 00:28:29,188
- [Hayley] Yeah.
- Yeah, that's true.

844
00:28:29,188 --> 00:28:30,021
- [Lily] Pat?

845
00:28:30,021 --> 00:28:31,562
- I'm gonna guess you.

846
00:28:31,562 --> 00:28:32,671
- Hayley?

847
00:28:32,671 --> 00:28:34,116
- I'm gonna go with Brian.

848
00:28:34,116 --> 00:28:36,469
- Will the person who ended
a relationship using sorcery,

849
00:28:36,469 --> 00:28:38,388
please take a sip of their drink.

850
00:28:38,388 --> 00:28:40,229
(suspenseful music)

851
00:28:41,988 --> 00:28:43,704
(Brian gasping)

852
00:28:43,704 --> 00:28:45,875
- Oh! No.

853
00:28:45,875 --> 00:28:48,734
- Three points to Nick.
- Oh, he's warlock.

854
00:28:48,734 --> 00:28:50,141
- So something to know about me

855
00:28:50,141 --> 00:28:53,343
is I was a very, very superstitious child.

856
00:28:53,343 --> 00:28:56,588
I had all these little rituals that I did

857
00:28:56,588 --> 00:28:58,132
that I thought worked.

858
00:28:58,132 --> 00:29:01,240
And I was bullied a
lot as like a young kid

859
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:03,896
and I did like, this is an
example of one of these rituals.

860
00:29:03,896 --> 00:29:06,868
I did this thing, this is the
saddest thing in the world.

861
00:29:06,868 --> 00:29:11,643
I made little cardboard like cutouts

862
00:29:11,643 --> 00:29:13,094
of the bullies

863
00:29:13,094 --> 00:29:15,088
and then using a cardboard box,

864
00:29:15,088 --> 00:29:18,351
I built something I
called "the nice machine."

865
00:29:18,351 --> 00:29:20,405
And then I would take,
every morning I would do,

866
00:29:20,405 --> 00:29:22,808
I would take the little
like cardboard bullies

867
00:29:22,808 --> 00:29:25,087
and I would put them in the nice machine

868
00:29:25,087 --> 00:29:27,936
and I would turn it on
and I would then hope

869
00:29:27,936 --> 00:29:30,077
that the bullies would
be nice to me that day.

870
00:29:30,077 --> 00:29:32,612
And every day I did it and
every day I went to school

871
00:29:32,612 --> 00:29:34,594
and they bullied me to death.

872
00:29:34,594 --> 00:29:36,547
And I never was like,

873
00:29:36,547 --> 00:29:38,602
"Oh, maybe these kids are just assholes."

874
00:29:38,602 --> 00:29:41,334
I was like, "Oh, the nice
machine doesn't work or like-"

875
00:29:41,334 --> 00:29:42,167
- The calibration must be off.

876
00:29:42,167 --> 00:29:43,000
- [Nick] "There's
something wrong with it."

877
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,789
- I got to oil this nice machine.

878
00:29:44,789 --> 00:29:47,540
- So that's like the kind of kid I was.

879
00:29:47,540 --> 00:29:52,540
And I somehow, like when
I was in seventh grade,

880
00:29:52,801 --> 00:29:55,782
got into a relationship with a girl

881
00:29:55,782 --> 00:29:59,017
and I was not the most popular kid.

882
00:29:59,017 --> 00:30:00,529
So I figured I should, yeah,

883
00:30:00,529 --> 00:30:02,482
enter this relationship and hang on tight.

884
00:30:02,482 --> 00:30:03,920
I think this is the best I can do.

885
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:05,380
- That's a tween decision for sure.

886
00:30:05,380 --> 00:30:08,467
- Yes, 12 hours later I
started having a panic attack

887
00:30:08,467 --> 00:30:10,939
'cause I was like, "I don't love her, I-"

888
00:30:10,939 --> 00:30:11,772
- Where's this going?

889
00:30:11,772 --> 00:30:13,613
- Yeah, the school is-
- That's not my life.

890
00:30:13,613 --> 00:30:16,175
- Built on a foundation of a lie.

891
00:30:16,175 --> 00:30:17,834
I was like, "I've gotta get
outta this relationship,"

892
00:30:17,834 --> 00:30:19,325
but I was anti confrontational.

893
00:30:19,325 --> 00:30:21,530
I knew I would never have the guts

894
00:30:21,530 --> 00:30:23,588
to break up with her in person

895
00:30:23,588 --> 00:30:27,109
and I knew she would never dump me

896
00:30:27,109 --> 00:30:29,761
because who in their right mind would?

897
00:30:29,761 --> 00:30:31,398
So I did a little-
- Confident.

898
00:30:31,398 --> 00:30:34,342
- You're the inventor of the
nice machine. She's crazy.

899
00:30:34,342 --> 00:30:36,378
- I know.
- Bring it to the market.

900
00:30:36,378 --> 00:30:40,677
- So I came up with a
little ritual that I did

901
00:30:40,677 --> 00:30:44,652
that I'm not proud of,

902
00:30:44,652 --> 00:30:47,439
but I did do it.

903
00:30:47,439 --> 00:30:50,262
I'd like everyone to not
make eye contact with me

904
00:30:50,262 --> 00:30:51,262
as I tell you this.
(group laughs)

905
00:30:51,262 --> 00:30:53,236
So what I did was I took...

906
00:30:53,236 --> 00:30:55,916
So there was a photo of me

907
00:30:55,916 --> 00:30:59,132
and then like two rows behind me, Kelsey,

908
00:30:59,132 --> 00:31:02,010
and it's the only photo
of us in a relationship

909
00:31:02,010 --> 00:31:03,864
and she gave it to me framed.

910
00:31:03,864 --> 00:31:06,897
And I took that photo

911
00:31:07,988 --> 00:31:09,804
and I set it on fire.

912
00:31:09,804 --> 00:31:11,427
- (gasps) Oh, sorry.

913
00:31:11,427 --> 00:31:13,793
- And masturbated
(Lily chortling)

914
00:31:13,793 --> 00:31:15,903
and I put out the flames

915
00:31:15,903 --> 00:31:16,736
with

916
00:31:18,111 --> 00:31:19,627
my

917
00:31:19,627 --> 00:31:20,468
fertilizer.

918
00:31:20,468 --> 00:31:22,498
- [Brian] That...
(Lily laughing)

919
00:31:22,498 --> 00:31:24,249
Okay, the last-
- This is insane.

920
00:31:24,249 --> 00:31:26,122
- The last part is the most impressive,

921
00:31:26,122 --> 00:31:27,726
you could put out an entire fire.

922
00:31:27,726 --> 00:31:28,559
- Yeah.
- [Pat] Right? Yeah.

923
00:31:28,559 --> 00:31:29,392
- With just that.

924
00:31:29,392 --> 00:31:30,294
- My man squirts.

925
00:31:30,294 --> 00:31:31,127
(Hayley laughs)
- [Brian] That is...

926
00:31:31,127 --> 00:31:32,793
- [Nick] Yeah, yeah.
- Wait, you're a witch?

927
00:31:32,793 --> 00:31:33,772
- Yes.

928
00:31:33,772 --> 00:31:35,666
- Or your semen is demonic.
- [Pat] Well, or a sorcerer.

929
00:31:35,666 --> 00:31:37,392
- [Hayley] Yeah, yeah.
- Who throws ropes.

930
00:31:37,392 --> 00:31:38,973
- [Nick] Well, this is, so I did that,

931
00:31:38,973 --> 00:31:40,781
but the next day I went into school

932
00:31:40,781 --> 00:31:43,085
and then Kelsey told one of her friends

933
00:31:43,085 --> 00:31:45,945
to tell one of my friends
that she wanted to break up.

934
00:31:45,945 --> 00:31:47,930
And so, it fucking worked.

935
00:31:47,930 --> 00:31:49,817
- And all my clothes were
on fire this morning.

936
00:31:49,817 --> 00:31:51,977
- Maybe that was the missing
ingredient in the nice machine.

937
00:31:51,977 --> 00:31:53,526
- (guests) Yes.
- Yeah, exactly.

938
00:31:53,526 --> 00:31:54,744
(Lily laughing)

939
00:31:54,744 --> 00:31:56,495
- That is three points to Nick Kocher.

940
00:31:56,495 --> 00:31:57,538
- And that puts me in the lead, I believe.

941
00:31:57,538 --> 00:31:59,664
- No one guessed.
- Next secret.

942
00:31:59,664 --> 00:32:02,619
Who was traumatized by a balloon?

943
00:32:02,619 --> 00:32:06,485
- I'm thinking the Macy's
Day parade situation.

944
00:32:06,485 --> 00:32:08,984
- (guests) Oh.
- You look up, you see Snoopy

945
00:32:08,984 --> 00:32:10,895
and you're like, "What
the fuck's happening?"

946
00:32:10,895 --> 00:32:12,170
Like I think is-
- Okay.

947
00:32:12,170 --> 00:32:13,003
- I'm thinking that's so-

948
00:32:13,003 --> 00:32:14,806
- Those things do hurt people sometimes.

949
00:32:14,806 --> 00:32:15,639
- Yeah.
- Yep.

950
00:32:15,639 --> 00:32:17,943
- It's very alarming if a balloon pops.

951
00:32:17,943 --> 00:32:19,026
If you're in a room where someone's-

952
00:32:19,026 --> 00:32:19,984
- Oh yeah.

953
00:32:19,984 --> 00:32:20,887
- If someone's got a needle

954
00:32:20,887 --> 00:32:22,542
in a room full of balloons, alarming.

955
00:32:22,542 --> 00:32:24,187
- I was walking around New
York City with a friend

956
00:32:24,187 --> 00:32:27,290
and we went into an art
exhibit that the artist,

957
00:32:27,290 --> 00:32:29,131
I can't remember the name, he's Scottish,

958
00:32:29,131 --> 00:32:31,110
fills the room with giant balloons

959
00:32:31,110 --> 00:32:32,946
and you just walk around it.

960
00:32:32,946 --> 00:32:33,966
But people trip over them

961
00:32:33,966 --> 00:32:36,064
and they do start popping around you.

962
00:32:36,064 --> 00:32:38,680
And we're deep into
the room when she says,

963
00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:41,483
"Yeah, one of my phobias is the
sound of a balloon popping."

964
00:32:41,483 --> 00:32:43,626
We're so deep in, she's finally told me.

965
00:32:43,626 --> 00:32:45,930
I'm like, "Oh my God."

966
00:32:45,930 --> 00:32:47,733
- Not to keep our minds in the gutter

967
00:32:47,733 --> 00:32:50,482
after all jizz the talk, but

968
00:32:50,482 --> 00:32:54,121
I believe there's the
sexual component to balloons

969
00:32:54,121 --> 00:32:55,453
so they could be traumatized in that way.

970
00:32:55,453 --> 00:32:56,286
- A prophylactic?

971
00:32:56,286 --> 00:32:57,119
- We're all familiar with this.

972
00:32:57,119 --> 00:32:58,077
- Oh, no.

973
00:32:58,077 --> 00:32:59,848
- Looners. You know, you
never heard of looners?

974
00:32:59,848 --> 00:33:01,748
- No.
- [Lily] Tell us.

975
00:33:01,748 --> 00:33:03,556
- Well, Grant, help me out here.

976
00:33:03,556 --> 00:33:04,397
(Grant laughs)

977
00:33:04,397 --> 00:33:06,209
- No, no, you dug this hole.

978
00:33:06,209 --> 00:33:07,892
. No, yeah, yeah. No, I brought it up.

979
00:33:07,892 --> 00:33:08,995
I don't know the details of it.

980
00:33:08,995 --> 00:33:09,912
I just know, I think some people are-

981
00:33:09,912 --> 00:33:12,040
- You, I don't buy this for a second.

982
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:13,077
- [Lily] This is you-

983
00:33:13,077 --> 00:33:14,465
- This is real kink.

984
00:33:14,465 --> 00:33:15,913
- Is this a joke or is this real?

985
00:33:15,913 --> 00:33:16,746
- [Pat] It's not a joke.
- What are looners?

986
00:33:16,746 --> 00:33:19,126
- Well, I don't know how real it actually.

987
00:33:19,126 --> 00:33:20,201
I'm not making this up.

988
00:33:20,201 --> 00:33:21,034
- Anything.

989
00:33:21,034 --> 00:33:22,277
- I might've been mislead.
- Anything is possible.

990
00:33:22,277 --> 00:33:23,680
- I think a lot of it is the anticipation-

991
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:24,513
- 'Cause certain people-
- [Grant] Of win the balloon-

992
00:33:24,513 --> 00:33:25,700
- Who get turned by, I don't know,

993
00:33:25,700 --> 00:33:28,518
was it like sitting on
balloons or popping balloons.

994
00:33:28,518 --> 00:33:29,351
- Stepping on then like-

995
00:33:29,351 --> 00:33:31,354
- This is definitely your thing.

996
00:33:31,354 --> 00:33:32,393
- This is your thing.
- [Hayley] Wait, the kink?

997
00:33:32,393 --> 00:33:33,924
- No, then I would be traumatized.

998
00:33:33,924 --> 00:33:35,953
That would be like, I would be
the opposite of traumatized.

999
00:33:35,953 --> 00:33:36,961
- Let's get our guesses in.

1000
00:33:36,961 --> 00:33:40,269
Who was traumatized by a balloon?

1001
00:33:40,269 --> 00:33:41,476
Brian, who do you think?

1002
00:33:41,476 --> 00:33:42,653
- (high pitched voice) Pat. Maybe Pat?

1003
00:33:42,653 --> 00:33:44,060
- Pat, who do you think?

1004
00:33:44,060 --> 00:33:44,893
- You.

1005
00:33:44,893 --> 00:33:46,728
- Okay.
- Hayley, who do you think?

1006
00:33:46,728 --> 00:33:48,342
- I'm gonna go with Brian.

1007
00:33:48,342 --> 00:33:49,499
- Nick?
- Pat.

1008
00:33:49,499 --> 00:33:50,490
(Hayley chortles)

1009
00:33:50,490 --> 00:33:51,323
- Great.

1010
00:33:51,323 --> 00:33:52,678
- Well, the person who was
traumatized by a balloon,

1011
00:33:52,678 --> 00:33:54,919
please take a sip of their drink.

1012
00:33:54,919 --> 00:33:58,531
(suspenseful music)

1013
00:33:58,531 --> 00:33:59,381
(balloon pops)
(Hayley gasps)

1014
00:33:59,381 --> 00:34:00,684
- Yeah.
- [Grant] Well, well.

1015
00:34:00,684 --> 00:34:01,925
- Wait, you were, that looking-

1016
00:34:01,925 --> 00:34:03,422
- [Grant] Looner indeed.
- In my soul was fake.

1017
00:34:03,422 --> 00:34:05,084
- Looner!
- [Pat] I guess so. Yeah.

1018
00:34:05,084 --> 00:34:09,275
One of our beloved cast writers,

1019
00:34:09,275 --> 00:34:11,429
David Young was leaving.

1020
00:34:11,429 --> 00:34:13,840
He was leaving CollegeHumor and so we-

1021
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:14,889
- Young no more.

1022
00:34:14,889 --> 00:34:17,425
- He loves magic. David Young loves magic.

1023
00:34:17,425 --> 00:34:20,064
And so, I was put in charge
of finding a magician for him.

1024
00:34:20,064 --> 00:34:21,919
We were gonna get a closeup magician

1025
00:34:21,919 --> 00:34:24,205
to like be at this party
and like surprise David

1026
00:34:24,205 --> 00:34:26,329
and everyone else with some closeup magic.

1027
00:34:26,329 --> 00:34:31,329
So we had auditions at
the office for magicians.

1028
00:34:31,479 --> 00:34:32,545
One of the magicians came in

1029
00:34:32,545 --> 00:34:34,939
and he definitely was a little bit off.

1030
00:34:34,939 --> 00:34:38,241
And so, he was like doing his
spiel and did some tricks.

1031
00:34:38,241 --> 00:34:39,585
They weren't really that good or whatever,

1032
00:34:39,585 --> 00:34:41,785
but he's like, "For my final trick,

1033
00:34:41,785 --> 00:34:43,376
I need a guest from the audience."

1034
00:34:43,376 --> 00:34:44,768
It was basically me and
like two other people.

1035
00:34:44,768 --> 00:34:46,170
So I'm like, "Okay, I'll do it."

1036
00:34:46,170 --> 00:34:50,011
And he brings me up and I
sit in a chair and he walks.

1037
00:34:50,011 --> 00:34:52,395
He has a like an uninflated balloon,

1038
00:34:52,395 --> 00:34:54,179
like the kind of balloon
animals you make with,

1039
00:34:54,179 --> 00:34:56,394
and just before he starts, he
like gets really close to me.

1040
00:34:56,394 --> 00:34:58,369
He leans into my ear and he goes,

1041
00:34:58,369 --> 00:35:01,310
"I'm gonna stick the
balloon into your throat

1042
00:35:01,310 --> 00:35:03,656
and out your nose. Do not move."

1043
00:35:03,656 --> 00:35:05,552
- Oh my God.
- [Hayley] What?

1044
00:35:05,552 --> 00:35:06,550
- [Pat] He said that to me immediately.

1045
00:35:06,550 --> 00:35:07,611
Now, I probably should have got up,

1046
00:35:07,611 --> 00:35:09,752
but I was kind of like,
it all happened so fast.

1047
00:35:09,752 --> 00:35:11,715
I didn't think he was being literal.

1048
00:35:11,715 --> 00:35:12,562
I thought this was like, did it-

1049
00:35:12,562 --> 00:35:15,493
- Did everybody see him
whispering into your ear?

1050
00:35:15,493 --> 00:35:16,509
- [Pat] Yes, yes.
(Lily laughing)

1051
00:35:16,509 --> 00:35:17,940
- [Nick] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so-

1052
00:35:17,940 --> 00:35:19,925
- And registered all the
blood going from your face.

1053
00:35:19,925 --> 00:35:22,596
- That must have set
some triggers of like,

1054
00:35:22,596 --> 00:35:23,429
you're planning something.

1055
00:35:23,429 --> 00:35:24,801
- Not very mature.
- That's true. Yes.

1056
00:35:24,801 --> 00:35:26,859
On top of it all, it
actually wasn't a good trick

1057
00:35:26,859 --> 00:35:29,404
on top of being a felony.

1058
00:35:29,404 --> 00:35:32,655
So right, I just kind of was frozen

1059
00:35:32,655 --> 00:35:34,621
and he stuck the balloon in my throat.

1060
00:35:34,621 --> 00:35:35,763
- Nope.
- Really did this.

1061
00:35:35,763 --> 00:35:36,596
It was not like an illusion.

1062
00:35:36,596 --> 00:35:38,975
- What did he say the
trick was going to be?

1063
00:35:38,975 --> 00:35:40,329
- Nothing, I mean, it was a-

1064
00:35:40,329 --> 00:35:41,749
- I'm gonna make this guy eat a balloon.

1065
00:35:41,749 --> 00:35:43,757
- I know. A magician
never tells his secrets.

1066
00:35:43,757 --> 00:35:45,090
- [Lily] Yes.

1067
00:35:45,090 --> 00:35:47,064
- And he just like somehow stuck it

1068
00:35:47,064 --> 00:35:48,954
in all the way back of
my throat, out my nose.

1069
00:35:48,954 --> 00:35:51,319
So I basically like had it-
- [Hayley] What?

1070
00:35:51,319 --> 00:35:52,198
- How?
- [Pat] Going in my throat.

1071
00:35:52,198 --> 00:35:53,414
- You were sitting too still.

1072
00:35:53,414 --> 00:35:54,882
- [Grant] You should've
moved a little more.

1073
00:35:54,882 --> 00:35:56,214
- [Hayley] I'm sorry. This is insane.

1074
00:35:56,214 --> 00:35:57,230
- Well, at this point I'm like-

1075
00:35:57,230 --> 00:35:58,063
- I'm shook.

1076
00:35:58,063 --> 00:36:01,512
- At this point, I'm like at his mercy.

1077
00:36:01,512 --> 00:36:02,928
- He's flossing in your brain in there.

1078
00:36:02,928 --> 00:36:03,761
- How did you?

1079
00:36:03,761 --> 00:36:05,974
- Did you just like disassociate
and just like? (grunts)

1080
00:36:05,974 --> 00:36:08,037
- He had those nimble magician fingers.

1081
00:36:08,037 --> 00:36:09,295
- How did he get you to do it?

1082
00:36:09,295 --> 00:36:10,913
You had to open your mouth wide

1083
00:36:10,913 --> 00:36:12,875
or like, he just put his hand in there?

1084
00:36:12,875 --> 00:36:14,507
- Well, by the time like-
- But he whispered first.

1085
00:36:14,507 --> 00:36:17,081
- I realized he was
like actually physically

1086
00:36:17,081 --> 00:36:18,040
gonna do it-
- Inside you.

1087
00:36:18,040 --> 00:36:21,842
- And like, yes. It just was
like already in the throat.

1088
00:36:21,842 --> 00:36:23,984
And I don't know, I probably, yes,

1089
00:36:23,984 --> 00:36:27,452
I probably should have hit the
ejector seat at some point.

1090
00:36:27,452 --> 00:36:28,798
But once it was coming outta the nose,

1091
00:36:28,798 --> 00:36:31,055
I was basically pot committed.

1092
00:36:31,055 --> 00:36:32,844
- This magician assaulted your throat.

1093
00:36:32,844 --> 00:36:33,677
- It gets worse, it gets worse.

1094
00:36:33,677 --> 00:36:34,510
- Yeah, I feel bad for you.

1095
00:36:34,510 --> 00:36:35,979
- He ran the balloon through your thingy

1096
00:36:35,979 --> 00:36:37,090
"is this your card?"

1097
00:36:37,090 --> 00:36:37,994
(group laughing)

1098
00:36:37,994 --> 00:36:38,902
- Everyone clapped.
- [Brian] Oh.

1099
00:36:38,902 --> 00:36:40,663
- And the balloon wasn't inflated, right?

1100
00:36:40,663 --> 00:36:41,976
It was just a-

1101
00:36:41,976 --> 00:36:43,601
- It was not inflated at first.

1102
00:36:43,601 --> 00:36:44,434
- [Hayley] No, no, no.
- [Lily] No, no, no, no, no.

1103
00:36:44,434 --> 00:36:45,464
- Oh, magic.

1104
00:36:45,464 --> 00:36:46,801
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

1105
00:36:46,801 --> 00:36:48,807
- Well, he leans forward-
- [Nick] Nope.

1106
00:36:48,807 --> 00:36:49,935
- [Pat] Puts the balloon in his mouth.

1107
00:36:49,935 --> 00:36:52,994
This is the part that's
coming out of my mouth.

1108
00:36:52,994 --> 00:36:55,041
- So he's kissing you?
- Inflates it.

1109
00:36:55,891 --> 00:36:59,461
The air builds up on the nose side of it.

1110
00:36:59,461 --> 00:37:03,806
So it goes through the tubing
into a bulb on the other side.

1111
00:37:03,806 --> 00:37:05,914
- And his mouth is like right

1112
00:37:05,914 --> 00:37:07,339
up your lips I'm assuming.
- (laughs) Your mouth!

1113
00:37:07,339 --> 00:37:10,072
- Yes, that's like problem four,

1114
00:37:10,072 --> 00:37:10,906
but yes.
(group laughs)

1115
00:37:10,906 --> 00:37:11,739
- [Pat] But yeah, it was definitely there.

1116
00:37:11,739 --> 00:37:12,572
(Lily laughing hard)

1117
00:37:12,572 --> 00:37:13,801
And then he was like, everyone's ready.

1118
00:37:13,801 --> 00:37:15,807
And he goes, "Everyone
ready for the big finish?"

1119
00:37:15,807 --> 00:37:16,640
And everyone's like,

1120
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:18,000
"No, we're not ready."
- No, no, no.

1121
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:21,219
- And he takes the ball of
air and like squeezes it

1122
00:37:21,219 --> 00:37:24,362
and it just goes through back
in reverse through my throat

1123
00:37:24,362 --> 00:37:26,072
and nose and out the other end.

1124
00:37:26,072 --> 00:37:27,294
That was the worst part

1125
00:37:27,294 --> 00:37:28,946
'cause I felt like that
could've killed me.

1126
00:37:28,946 --> 00:37:30,977
- And then you're like, "my
deviated septum is healed!"

1127
00:37:30,977 --> 00:37:31,984
- [Hayley] Yeah.
- I would say, yeah.

1128
00:37:31,984 --> 00:37:34,505
- One important element of
this and it's actually good.

1129
00:37:34,505 --> 00:37:36,898
It's the reason I didn't run
away is because he kind of like

1130
00:37:36,898 --> 00:37:38,625
straddled me from the front
while he was doing this.

1131
00:37:38,625 --> 00:37:39,458
- [Hayley] No!
(Lily laughing)

1132
00:37:39,458 --> 00:37:40,291
- Yeah.

1133
00:37:40,291 --> 00:37:41,124
- Straddled you?

1134
00:37:41,124 --> 00:37:41,957
- [Pat] Straddled me from the front.

1135
00:37:41,957 --> 00:37:42,790
- So violent.

1136
00:37:42,790 --> 00:37:44,047
- I love that this is crazy.

1137
00:37:44,047 --> 00:37:46,307
- Think of a reverse
cowgirl with a magician and-

1138
00:37:46,307 --> 00:37:48,223
- He might have just been
really attracted to you.

1139
00:37:48,223 --> 00:37:49,636
He straddled you, his lips were like-

1140
00:37:49,636 --> 00:37:50,469
- Yeah, he had a weird way of showing it.

1141
00:37:50,469 --> 00:37:51,302
- Yeah, Pat, another one of these, man.

1142
00:37:51,302 --> 00:37:53,094
- Pat! You missed your shot.
- [Grant] Missed your shot.

1143
00:37:53,094 --> 00:37:54,837
- The fertilizer and this magician.

1144
00:37:54,837 --> 00:37:55,805
- Yeah, people love you.

1145
00:37:55,805 --> 00:37:57,771
- They were trying to take you home.

1146
00:37:57,771 --> 00:38:00,150
- I get paranoid for the wrong reasons.

1147
00:38:00,150 --> 00:38:02,255
I run away when I
shouldn't and then I sit-

1148
00:38:02,255 --> 00:38:03,088
(Hayley giggling)
- Yeah.

1149
00:38:03,088 --> 00:38:04,818
- I still want know how he got the balloon

1150
00:38:04,818 --> 00:38:08,094
to turn the corner up
into your nasal cavity.

1151
00:38:08,094 --> 00:38:09,757
- How indeed.
- [Pat] I don't know.

1152
00:38:09,757 --> 00:38:11,846
I'm not joking. I don't know.

1153
00:38:11,846 --> 00:38:13,399
- Kids, try it at home. Kids.

1154
00:38:13,399 --> 00:38:15,903
- I guess it wasn't, I guess
it was a trick in that sense.

1155
00:38:15,903 --> 00:38:18,018
- He's crazy that this is what
he chose to audition with.

1156
00:38:18,018 --> 00:38:18,851
- [Hayley] How does he-
- [Pat] I know.

1157
00:38:18,851 --> 00:38:19,684
- Thinking that-

1158
00:38:19,684 --> 00:38:20,973
- Every time he's on the subway it's like,

1159
00:38:20,973 --> 00:38:23,173
"What did I do wrong?
What am I doing wrong?"

1160
00:38:23,173 --> 00:38:24,006
- There is like a clear,

1161
00:38:24,006 --> 00:38:24,839
there is a passage between the two.

1162
00:38:24,839 --> 00:38:25,672
- Yeah, it's a closed system.

1163
00:38:25,672 --> 00:38:26,505
- [Pat] But you're right though.

1164
00:38:26,505 --> 00:38:27,338
I don't know how we
actually got it up there.

1165
00:38:27,338 --> 00:38:28,171
- Yeah.
- [Lily] Yeah.

1166
00:38:28,171 --> 00:38:29,234
- Boo.
- Insane.

1167
00:38:29,234 --> 00:38:32,725
- That is a point to Brian and Nick.

1168
00:38:32,725 --> 00:38:34,923
Next secret.
(Hayley sighs)

1169
00:38:34,923 --> 00:38:37,449
Who got sumo slammed?

1170
00:38:37,449 --> 00:38:40,263
- I do want it to have been Grant.

1171
00:38:40,263 --> 00:38:42,337
- You know what never happens
to me is getting picked up.

1172
00:38:42,337 --> 00:38:43,472
I never get to feel small.

1173
00:38:43,472 --> 00:38:45,690
(Hayley chuckles)
- 'Cause you're not!

1174
00:38:45,690 --> 00:38:46,523
- I know, it's a shame.

1175
00:38:46,523 --> 00:38:47,774
- [Hayley] I know but-
- [Lily] You're too tall!

1176
00:38:47,774 --> 00:38:50,390
- But a sumo wrestler would
be maybe taller than you.

1177
00:38:50,390 --> 00:38:53,093
- Yeah, wouldn't it be
great? Oh, I should travel.

1178
00:38:53,093 --> 00:38:55,035
- Are they really tall, sumo wrestlers?

1179
00:38:55,035 --> 00:38:55,868
- I mean, they're-

1180
00:38:55,868 --> 00:38:56,701
- [Lily] I think they're really wide.

1181
00:38:56,701 --> 00:38:57,534
- They're wide and tall.
- [Grant] Massive.

1182
00:38:57,534 --> 00:38:59,181
- They're just massive.
They're just mountain people.

1183
00:38:59,181 --> 00:39:02,018
- What is sumo slam that's
different from regular slam?

1184
00:39:02,018 --> 00:39:04,685
- You pick someone up
and sort of of hoist them

1185
00:39:04,685 --> 00:39:05,798
and then like that.

1186
00:39:05,798 --> 00:39:07,733
- I so badly wanted
you to fall into the...

1187
00:39:07,733 --> 00:39:09,465
Yeah, yeah
(Grant laughing)

1188
00:39:09,465 --> 00:39:11,565
- That sounds like absolute hell.

1189
00:39:11,565 --> 00:39:13,026
- Or who's like, who
would be in a position?

1190
00:39:13,026 --> 00:39:15,240
Like who maybe is athletic
or likes wrestling

1191
00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:16,997
or fighting would be in that
position in the first place?

1192
00:39:16,997 --> 00:39:19,629
- I know the last one
wasn't spelled weird,

1193
00:39:19,629 --> 00:39:21,372
but what if this one was spelled weird?

1194
00:39:21,372 --> 00:39:25,609
And it's Sue, S-U-E, Moe, M-O-E.

1195
00:39:25,609 --> 00:39:26,442
- Yeah.

1196
00:39:26,442 --> 00:39:27,730
- No, this one's spelled normal again,

1197
00:39:27,730 --> 00:39:29,324
because we're a very normal.
(Hayley chuckling)

1198
00:39:29,324 --> 00:39:30,310
- Well, we've gotta ask some questions.

1199
00:39:30,310 --> 00:39:31,143
- We gotta dig deep.

1200
00:39:31,143 --> 00:39:32,831
- I like your Grant theory.

1201
00:39:32,831 --> 00:39:34,606
- Well, I don't think I had a
Grant theory this time, did I?

1202
00:39:34,606 --> 00:39:35,806
- Oh, you didn't say it was Grant.

1203
00:39:35,806 --> 00:39:36,954
You guys, I'm telling you about hot toddy-

1204
00:39:36,954 --> 00:39:37,787
is kicking in.
- No, someone said it's Grant.

1205
00:39:37,787 --> 00:39:39,634
- I did, I said I want it to be Grant.

1206
00:39:39,634 --> 00:39:42,544
- This hot toddy is having
like almost the reverse,

1207
00:39:42,544 --> 00:39:44,589
like I'm tired right now (laughs) like-

1208
00:39:44,589 --> 00:39:46,578
- He put a PM in there,
put a Advil PM in it.

1209
00:39:46,578 --> 00:39:48,489
- You put a little PM.
- Filled to the brim with Advil PM.

1210
00:39:48,489 --> 00:39:49,962
You wanted Advil AM.

1211
00:39:49,962 --> 00:39:51,587
- Yeah, Advil PM slosher.

1212
00:39:51,587 --> 00:39:53,382
- Let's get our guesses in then.

1213
00:39:53,382 --> 00:39:56,280
Who got sumo slammed?
Pat, who do you think?

1214
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:57,372
- I think you, I think it's you.

1215
00:39:57,372 --> 00:39:59,152
It seems that like, I don't know you.

1216
00:39:59,152 --> 00:40:02,552
You kind of have the look of
someone who is sumo slammed.

1217
00:40:02,552 --> 00:40:03,765
- [Lily] Slammed.
- Who Me?

1218
00:40:03,765 --> 00:40:04,598
- Brian. Who do you think?

1219
00:40:04,598 --> 00:40:06,421
- I'm gonna say it is you.

1220
00:40:06,421 --> 00:40:07,325
- Hayley, who do you think?

1221
00:40:07,325 --> 00:40:10,800
- The way Brian said, "Who me?"

1222
00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:11,883
- What? Why?

1223
00:40:11,883 --> 00:40:14,682
- That, see, there's something about you.

1224
00:40:14,682 --> 00:40:16,250
- That didn't have the intended effect.

1225
00:40:16,250 --> 00:40:17,083
- That's my guess.

1226
00:40:17,083 --> 00:40:18,050
- Or diverting you from the herd.

1227
00:40:18,050 --> 00:40:18,883
- All right, Nick?

1228
00:40:18,883 --> 00:40:20,878
- Tradition dictates, I should vote Pat.

1229
00:40:20,878 --> 00:40:21,735
(Hayley chuckles)

1230
00:40:21,735 --> 00:40:23,267
But I do think it is Brian.

1231
00:40:23,267 --> 00:40:24,600
(Hayley chuckling)

1232
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:25,967
So I'm gonna vote Pat.

1233
00:40:25,967 --> 00:40:27,984
- You're brave. That's
brave of you, very brave.

1234
00:40:27,984 --> 00:40:29,486
- Will the person who got sumo slammed,

1235
00:40:29,486 --> 00:40:31,478
please take a sip of their drink.

1236
00:40:31,478 --> 00:40:32,311
(suspenseful music)

1237
00:40:35,161 --> 00:40:36,493
(high pitch stammering sounds)

1238
00:40:36,493 --> 00:40:38,110
- I knew it.
- Yes, yes, yes.

1239
00:40:38,110 --> 00:40:40,288
- [Nick] I knew it.
- [Hayley] Yes!

1240
00:40:40,288 --> 00:40:41,586
- Whoo. Not a blowout.

1241
00:40:41,586 --> 00:40:45,901
- I did get slammed down
physically by a sumo wrestler.

1242
00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:47,916
I did a show called "Children's Hospital."

1243
00:40:47,916 --> 00:40:49,203
- (gasps) I love "Children's Hospital."

1244
00:40:49,203 --> 00:40:52,039
- And the bit was that my character Chet

1245
00:40:52,039 --> 00:40:57,039
had to wrestle a sumo wrestler
because their station,

1246
00:40:57,183 --> 00:41:00,144
their hospital was temporarily in Japan

1247
00:41:00,144 --> 00:41:02,926
and they wanted to do sort
of like a cultural exchange.

1248
00:41:02,926 --> 00:41:06,885
So I of course wore like the
virtual diaper and stuff.

1249
00:41:06,885 --> 00:41:10,308
And we had a conference, a
safety meeting with this guy

1250
00:41:10,308 --> 00:41:14,497
who is a actual sumo
wrestler who was easily

1251
00:41:14,497 --> 00:41:17,680
three inches taller than
you and just as wide.

1252
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:18,519
Just huge.

1253
00:41:18,519 --> 00:41:19,352
- I didn't know-

1254
00:41:19,352 --> 00:41:20,822
- [Brian] Like huge!
- They were tall.

1255
00:41:20,822 --> 00:41:22,359
- Terrifyingly large.
- [Lily] Okay.

1256
00:41:22,359 --> 00:41:26,157
- And so, he's a professional
and then he had his manager

1257
00:41:26,157 --> 00:41:28,366
who was also his translator.

1258
00:41:28,366 --> 00:41:31,601
But this sumo wrestler
had selective abilities

1259
00:41:31,601 --> 00:41:33,532
of understanding English.
(Hayley laughs)

1260
00:41:33,532 --> 00:41:34,929
I was like, "Oh, I'm really
excited to do this with you."

1261
00:41:34,929 --> 00:41:37,066
He's like, "Yeah, I'm
looking forward too."

1262
00:41:37,066 --> 00:41:39,917
And then when it came down to
sort of the specifics of like,

1263
00:41:39,917 --> 00:41:43,924
so I said like, "So I do have
a shoulder injury recently

1264
00:41:43,924 --> 00:41:46,241
that I need to be very protective of and-"

1265
00:41:46,241 --> 00:41:48,719
- (gasps) This is true! I've
seen Brian at physical therapy.

1266
00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:49,552
- [Brian] Yeah, right.

1267
00:41:49,552 --> 00:41:52,684
That we were like, "Okay,
safety meeting, director.

1268
00:41:52,684 --> 00:41:53,750
Brian's been very clear.

1269
00:41:53,750 --> 00:41:55,975
We just want you to
pick him up in the air,

1270
00:41:55,975 --> 00:41:57,404
but don't slam him down.

1271
00:41:57,404 --> 00:42:00,002
We're just gonna do this
first take and then we'll cut

1272
00:42:00,002 --> 00:42:02,612
and we'll make it seem
like he's going down."

1273
00:42:02,612 --> 00:42:06,896
So he is like, "Action." We
circle around, comedic, comedic.

1274
00:42:06,896 --> 00:42:07,979
I'm acting, you know,

1275
00:42:07,979 --> 00:42:10,604
I'm like acting smaller
than him, which I am.

1276
00:42:10,604 --> 00:42:13,159
And then he comes in, swoops me up

1277
00:42:13,159 --> 00:42:17,457
and body slams my fucking whole body down.

1278
00:42:17,457 --> 00:42:20,607
And maybe we can roll that terrifying,

1279
00:42:20,607 --> 00:42:22,986
traumatizing clip where my head goes,

1280
00:42:22,986 --> 00:42:26,524
kaboosh, kabop, kacoo, kapoop.
(guests gasping)

1281
00:42:26,524 --> 00:42:29,255
And I lay on the mat for a second.

1282
00:42:29,255 --> 00:42:31,251
I was like, "I don't
know if I should move.

1283
00:42:31,251 --> 00:42:33,295
'cause I really don't know
if I'm paralyzed or not."

1284
00:42:33,295 --> 00:42:35,429
- (laughs) And I don't wanna find out yet.

1285
00:42:35,429 --> 00:42:39,246
- And it was the most silent
I've ever heard on a set

1286
00:42:39,246 --> 00:42:42,109
for like 10 seconds
before somebody was like,

1287
00:42:42,109 --> 00:42:44,292
"Hey, Brian, you okay?"

1288
00:42:44,292 --> 00:42:46,320
- Oh my God, they thought
they killed Brian.

1289
00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:47,989
- Did you have to do a second take?

1290
00:42:47,989 --> 00:42:50,466
- I literally had to do
the rest of the scene.

1291
00:42:50,466 --> 00:42:51,906
Like I got up and he is like,

1292
00:42:51,906 --> 00:42:53,853
"Everybody, you're cool, you're
cool?" I was like, "Yeah."

1293
00:42:53,853 --> 00:42:57,262
And I kind of got up in
his face and I said like,

1294
00:42:57,262 --> 00:42:59,635
"I told you not to, told
you not to do that."

1295
00:42:59,635 --> 00:43:00,868
And his manager came in and was like,

1296
00:43:00,868 --> 00:43:02,285
"He doesn't understand
what you're saying."

1297
00:43:02,285 --> 00:43:03,618
- I was gonna say, I was like,

1298
00:43:03,618 --> 00:43:04,764
well, he just ignored the instructions?

1299
00:43:04,764 --> 00:43:05,755
- And I said, I was like,

1300
00:43:05,755 --> 00:43:07,616
"I think he does understand
what I'm saying."

1301
00:43:07,616 --> 00:43:09,858
He can understand I'm
upset of what you just did.

1302
00:43:09,858 --> 00:43:11,949
And the sumo wrestler just was,

1303
00:43:12,991 --> 00:43:13,840
their poker face,

1304
00:43:13,840 --> 00:43:17,192
he just was like, he did not care.

1305
00:43:17,192 --> 00:43:18,393
- Did they retake-
- [Brian] Did not care.

1306
00:43:18,393 --> 00:43:19,563
- That part of the scene again?

1307
00:43:19,563 --> 00:43:20,600
- No.
- "No, we got it."

1308
00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:21,620
- Yeah, their director was like,

1309
00:43:21,620 --> 00:43:23,174
"I think that was a
pretty good take Brian.

1310
00:43:23,174 --> 00:43:24,388
Pretty good take."
- Oh my God.

1311
00:43:24,388 --> 00:43:26,871
- It ended. All is well, it ended well.

1312
00:43:26,871 --> 00:43:29,570
They bought me a massage. The
production got me a massage.

1313
00:43:29,570 --> 00:43:30,403
- [Pat] Oh, that's good.

1314
00:43:30,403 --> 00:43:32,290
- Was it at least a 90-minute massage?

1315
00:43:32,290 --> 00:43:33,744
- It was a 60-minute massage.

1316
00:43:33,744 --> 00:43:35,955
- Those cheap pieces of shit.

1317
00:43:35,955 --> 00:43:37,017
- [Brian] At one of those like massage-

1318
00:43:37,017 --> 00:43:38,541
- Where it's really
rough on your shoulder.

1319
00:43:38,541 --> 00:43:39,413
- [Brian] Yeah, yeah.
- [Lily] Yes.

1320
00:43:39,413 --> 00:43:40,496
- And the same guy
- And it was done by-

1321
00:43:40,496 --> 00:43:42,829
- Giving it, yeah.
- The sumo wrestler. Ah!

1322
00:43:42,829 --> 00:43:44,341
- And I'm sure they covered all the years

1323
00:43:44,341 --> 00:43:45,402
of physical therapy you're still in.

1324
00:43:45,402 --> 00:43:46,626
- Oh, completely.

1325
00:43:46,626 --> 00:43:47,638
- (laughs) Absolutely.
- Completely.

1326
00:43:47,638 --> 00:43:50,772
Because I mean, it was Adult
Swim. They got the budget.

1327
00:43:50,772 --> 00:43:52,105
- Is that the craziest thing that's

1328
00:43:52,105 --> 00:43:53,238
ever happened to you on a set?

1329
00:43:53,238 --> 00:43:54,691
- Yeah, I think so.

1330
00:43:54,691 --> 00:43:55,524
- It sounds up there.

1331
00:43:55,524 --> 00:43:56,509
- All right, we'll stand up.

1332
00:43:56,509 --> 00:43:59,092
- Okay, here we go.
(group laughs)

1333
00:43:59,092 --> 00:44:02,809
- Get 'em. That is
points to Pat and Hayley.

1334
00:44:02,809 --> 00:44:03,642
- She's on the board!

1335
00:44:03,642 --> 00:44:04,475
- [Hayley] So does this
mean I'm winning now?

1336
00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:05,934
I think now I officially have six points.

1337
00:44:05,934 --> 00:44:06,767
- Next secret.

1338
00:44:06,767 --> 00:44:08,876
- I'm gonna give myself seven.

1339
00:44:08,876 --> 00:44:11,976
- Who asked monks for intervention?

1340
00:44:11,976 --> 00:44:15,052
Brian gives me like spiritual vibes.

1341
00:44:15,052 --> 00:44:16,528
- After what I went
through with that monk-

1342
00:44:16,528 --> 00:44:17,435
I mean, that sumo wrestler, of course.

1343
00:44:17,435 --> 00:44:18,874
- Yeah, that sumo wrestler.
- [Lily] Yeah.

1344
00:44:18,874 --> 00:44:22,123
- And then we know you are into-

1345
00:44:22,123 --> 00:44:23,543
- [Nick] Am a warlock.
- Witchcraft.

1346
00:44:23,543 --> 00:44:24,738
- Yeah. Right. You're a register warlock.

1347
00:44:24,738 --> 00:44:26,050
- Cumming and witchcraft.

1348
00:44:26,050 --> 00:44:29,735
- Yeah, we know that you're
into alternative methods

1349
00:44:29,735 --> 00:44:33,833
for life, for healing,
self-improvement, confrontation.

1350
00:44:33,833 --> 00:44:34,666
- Yeah.

1351
00:44:34,666 --> 00:44:35,499
- [Pat] We know it's not me

1352
00:44:35,499 --> 00:44:36,742
'cause I have crippling addiction issues,

1353
00:44:36,742 --> 00:44:39,078
so I've clearly never been the
subject of an intervention.

1354
00:44:39,078 --> 00:44:39,911
- [Nick] Yeah, right.

1355
00:44:39,911 --> 00:44:40,744
- You can now-

1356
00:44:40,744 --> 00:44:41,577
- Me neither.
- [Pat] take me off the board.

1357
00:44:41,577 --> 00:44:45,891
- And it could also be
that you're at a Starbucks,

1358
00:44:45,891 --> 00:44:47,329
there's a couple of monks there.

1359
00:44:47,329 --> 00:44:48,757
There's somebody's being kind of a dick

1360
00:44:48,757 --> 00:44:51,279
up at ordering their drink and
they're asking him he's like,

1361
00:44:51,279 --> 00:44:52,925
"Can you sort of like help out here?"

1362
00:44:52,925 --> 00:44:56,397
- Could also be someone who
was like hiding from the mob

1363
00:44:56,397 --> 00:44:58,238
in a Sister-Act situation.

1364
00:44:58,238 --> 00:44:59,071
- [Lily] Oh.
- Mm.

1365
00:44:59,071 --> 00:45:00,507
- That's the most plausible one yet.

1366
00:45:00,507 --> 00:45:01,465
- [Lily] Yeah.
- So yeah, I think.

1367
00:45:01,465 --> 00:45:03,381
- Hayley, who do you think
asked monks for intervention?

1368
00:45:03,381 --> 00:45:06,294
- I'm going with this guy.

1369
00:45:06,294 --> 00:45:07,528
- Nick, who do you think?
- [Hayley] Yeah.

1370
00:45:07,528 --> 00:45:08,361
- I'm gonna say Pat.

1371
00:45:08,361 --> 00:45:09,335
- Pat, who do you think?

1372
00:45:09,335 --> 00:45:10,259
- I wanna go you again.

1373
00:45:10,259 --> 00:45:11,498
- Brian?

1374
00:45:11,498 --> 00:45:12,611
- This piece of work over here.

1375
00:45:12,611 --> 00:45:14,805
- Will the person who asked
monks for intervention,

1376
00:45:14,805 --> 00:45:16,685
please take a sip of their drink.

1377
00:45:16,685 --> 00:45:19,685
(suspenseful music)

1378
00:45:20,853 --> 00:45:23,520
(Brian gasping)

1379
00:45:24,564 --> 00:45:29,564
- I 100% believe that my
cat is my dog reincarnated.

1380
00:45:30,251 --> 00:45:34,682
My French bulldog, who
was my life like with me

1381
00:45:34,682 --> 00:45:36,593
through like all the different
iterations of my life,

1382
00:45:36,593 --> 00:45:38,226
through some of the
hardest times, blah, blah.

1383
00:45:38,226 --> 00:45:42,465
Her name was Lucy. She passed
away and I was devastated.

1384
00:45:42,465 --> 00:45:47,156
And at the time I was
tinkering in Buddhism

1385
00:45:47,156 --> 00:45:48,605
and I would go to this Buddhist temple

1386
00:45:48,605 --> 00:45:50,600
and I must have been like asking a monk.

1387
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:52,385
I was talking to him
one-on-one and I was like,

1388
00:45:52,385 --> 00:45:56,133
"My dog died, I'm really
having a hard time with this."

1389
00:45:56,133 --> 00:46:00,543
And he goes, "I'm gonna tell
all the monks in our chapter."

1390
00:46:00,543 --> 00:46:02,234
There's multiple locations.

1391
00:46:02,234 --> 00:46:04,439
"We're gonna put your dog's name on"

1392
00:46:04,439 --> 00:46:07,778
sort of like this prayer
list thing that they have.

1393
00:46:07,778 --> 00:46:09,468
And then they gave-
- Fast track 'em. Why not?

1394
00:46:09,468 --> 00:46:11,311
- [Hayley] Exactly, and then they gave me-

1395
00:46:11,311 --> 00:46:12,390
- Nepo dog.
- A prayer book.

1396
00:46:12,390 --> 00:46:15,540
So also for 30 days, I did this prayer

1397
00:46:15,540 --> 00:46:18,963
for my dog, literally religiously.

1398
00:46:18,963 --> 00:46:20,559
And part of the prayer is like for her

1399
00:46:20,559 --> 00:46:22,491
to have a high reincarnation.

1400
00:46:22,491 --> 00:46:24,135
And I would always specifically say,

1401
00:46:24,135 --> 00:46:25,493
"let me know when you're back,

1402
00:46:25,493 --> 00:46:26,643
let me know when you're back."

1403
00:46:26,643 --> 00:46:30,120
So three years go by,
I was not a cat person.

1404
00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:30,953
- [Lily] Uh-huh.

1405
00:46:30,953 --> 00:46:34,397
- And then all of a sudden I
have this really vivid dream

1406
00:46:34,397 --> 00:46:39,219
about this cat down to
its coloring patterns,

1407
00:46:39,219 --> 00:46:42,209
its eyes, like all of
this stuff and its collar.

1408
00:46:42,209 --> 00:46:45,566
And so, I was guest
starring on this short-lived

1409
00:46:45,566 --> 00:46:49,038
CBS pilot show at the time
called "Living Biblically."

1410
00:46:49,038 --> 00:46:51,533
And I went to set later that afternoon

1411
00:46:51,533 --> 00:46:54,034
and I'm just sitting there
and watching, I look over

1412
00:46:54,034 --> 00:46:56,975
and like one of the crew
guys had this little kitten

1413
00:46:56,975 --> 00:46:58,497
sitting on his belly.

1414
00:46:58,497 --> 00:47:00,345
And I was like, "Oh, I wanna
go say hi to that cat."

1415
00:47:00,345 --> 00:47:02,057
So I'm saying hi to the cat and I'm like,

1416
00:47:02,057 --> 00:47:03,915
"God, this cat looks
familiar. This is so cute."

1417
00:47:03,915 --> 00:47:06,779
And then the prop person

1418
00:47:06,779 --> 00:47:09,051
who I found out later
brought the cat and came up

1419
00:47:09,051 --> 00:47:10,038
and I was like, "Oh."

1420
00:47:10,038 --> 00:47:11,826
I was like, "I love this cat so much,"

1421
00:47:11,826 --> 00:47:13,201
And I was like, "This is so funny.

1422
00:47:13,201 --> 00:47:15,479
I just had a dream last
night that I adopted a cat

1423
00:47:15,479 --> 00:47:18,031
that looked like this
but the collar was purple

1424
00:47:18,031 --> 00:47:19,624
and had pink flowers on it."

1425
00:47:19,624 --> 00:47:22,449
- And the prop lady goes and
she lifts up the cat's fur

1426
00:47:22,449 --> 00:47:24,049
and it was purple with pink flowers.

1427
00:47:24,049 --> 00:47:26,181
It was the exact collar. Yes.
- Ooh!

1428
00:47:26,181 --> 00:47:27,014
- [Nick] Whoa.

1429
00:47:27,014 --> 00:47:30,345
- And so then, so I'm like,
"Oh my God, this is my cat.

1430
00:47:30,345 --> 00:47:31,574
Like this is my cat."

1431
00:47:31,574 --> 00:47:33,527
But because this cat is gorgeous

1432
00:47:33,527 --> 00:47:35,343
and because I was a
guest star on this show,

1433
00:47:35,343 --> 00:47:37,244
it's like when you're
a guest star on a show,

1434
00:47:37,244 --> 00:47:38,347
it's like you're-

1435
00:47:38,347 --> 00:47:39,180
- They don't give the cats.

1436
00:47:39,180 --> 00:47:40,138
- It's inappropriate to ask-

1437
00:47:40,138 --> 00:47:41,253
(group speaking indistinctly)

1438
00:47:41,253 --> 00:47:42,274
- He's not the writer.

1439
00:47:42,274 --> 00:47:43,397
- But it's like you're a guest

1440
00:47:43,397 --> 00:47:45,284
in someone else's house, right?

1441
00:47:45,284 --> 00:47:48,366
And so, the series regulars like wanted,

1442
00:47:48,366 --> 00:47:49,993
everyone wanted this cat.

1443
00:47:49,993 --> 00:47:52,345
So I had to be really chill about it.

1444
00:47:52,345 --> 00:47:54,771
I put a vibe out to the
universe and I was like,

1445
00:47:54,771 --> 00:47:56,782
"If this is meant to be my cat,
please let let this happen."

1446
00:47:56,782 --> 00:47:58,489
- What did you set on
fire and jerk off onto?

1447
00:47:58,489 --> 00:48:00,155
- [Lily] Yeah.
- Yes, the cat.

1448
00:48:00,155 --> 00:48:01,480
(group laughs)

1449
00:48:01,480 --> 00:48:04,254
But word got out about the
dream and the series regular

1450
00:48:04,254 --> 00:48:05,574
who was thinking about
taking her home was like,

1451
00:48:05,574 --> 00:48:08,015
"This was meant to be your cat."

1452
00:48:08,015 --> 00:48:10,516
And so, I took her home and
she is the love of my life.

1453
00:48:10,516 --> 00:48:12,553
- What is your cat's name?
- Spirit.

1454
00:48:12,553 --> 00:48:13,603
- [Grant] Aw.
- That's cute.

1455
00:48:13,603 --> 00:48:14,436
- Monk.
- [Hayley] Yeah.

1456
00:48:14,436 --> 00:48:17,305
- I can't help but notice that
even if all the monks in LA

1457
00:48:17,305 --> 00:48:19,982
fast track your resurrection request,

1458
00:48:19,982 --> 00:48:21,337
it's still three years.

1459
00:48:21,337 --> 00:48:22,817
- It's still three years.
- Damn.

1460
00:48:22,817 --> 00:48:24,222
What they gotta do to speed it up.

1461
00:48:24,222 --> 00:48:25,309
- Yeah, there's a backlog,
there's a backlog.

1462
00:48:25,309 --> 00:48:26,873
- This is also how I know though

1463
00:48:26,873 --> 00:48:28,240
that cats are better than dogs.

1464
00:48:28,240 --> 00:48:30,497
Like, you know, you're the
cat person or dog person.

1465
00:48:30,497 --> 00:48:34,141
Because I told my dog to
have a high reincarnation

1466
00:48:34,141 --> 00:48:35,936
and my dog came back as a cat.

1467
00:48:35,936 --> 00:48:38,330
- Why was the cat at the studio at all?

1468
00:48:38,330 --> 00:48:41,050
- Because the prop person
rescued the cat and brought it in

1469
00:48:41,050 --> 00:48:42,562
'cause she was like, "This
poor cat needs a home."

1470
00:48:42,562 --> 00:48:43,787
- [Pat] That's true.
- That is three points

1471
00:48:43,787 --> 00:48:44,895
to Hayley.

1472
00:48:44,895 --> 00:48:46,542
- Okay, now maybe she's leading.

1473
00:48:46,542 --> 00:48:48,107
- [Lily] Next secret.
- [Brian] Maybe.

1474
00:48:48,107 --> 00:48:51,131
- Who flashed their
friend's genitals on TV?

1475
00:48:51,131 --> 00:48:53,512
- Well, I've been on TV so much.

1476
00:48:53,512 --> 00:48:54,345
This is gonna be hard to even remember.

1477
00:48:54,345 --> 00:48:56,241
- We're all seasoned
professionals here, so-

1478
00:48:56,241 --> 00:48:57,961
- Hey, we consider web streaming TV.

1479
00:48:57,961 --> 00:48:59,821
- Did Adult Swim allow-nudity?

1480
00:48:59,821 --> 00:49:00,654
- No, they would-

1481
00:49:00,654 --> 00:49:02,309
- Adult Swim was on Cartoon Network.

1482
00:49:02,309 --> 00:49:03,539
- [Brian] Yeah.
- But just late at night.

1483
00:49:03,539 --> 00:49:05,205
- [Hayley] Yeah, true. Okay.
- Late at night.

1484
00:49:05,205 --> 00:49:08,444
- You two have been on TV a
lot. You've been on TV a lot.

1485
00:49:08,444 --> 00:49:09,788
- Yeah.
- You've been on TV.

1486
00:49:09,788 --> 00:49:10,871
- Pat Cassels was a writer.

1487
00:49:10,871 --> 00:49:12,704
He has multiple Emmys, that's-

1488
00:49:12,704 --> 00:49:14,188
- But not in front of
camera, behind camera.

1489
00:49:14,188 --> 00:49:15,139
- They always bring writers out.

1490
00:49:15,139 --> 00:49:16,968
- Maybe 'cause he kept flashing
your friends' genitals.

1491
00:49:16,968 --> 00:49:17,801
- Yeah.

1492
00:49:17,801 --> 00:49:19,035
- Who's the kind of person

1493
00:49:19,035 --> 00:49:21,188
who would throw their friend
under the bus like that?

1494
00:49:21,188 --> 00:49:22,459
- It might not have been
throwing under the bus,

1495
00:49:22,459 --> 00:49:23,530
that friend might have been like,

1496
00:49:23,530 --> 00:49:25,096
"Please get my genitals on TV."

1497
00:49:25,096 --> 00:49:25,967
- It could be-
- Right.

1498
00:49:25,967 --> 00:49:27,185
- [Lily] They were doing a favor.

1499
00:49:27,185 --> 00:49:28,641
- It was Californication.

1500
00:49:28,641 --> 00:49:30,486
They were both guest stars on that.

1501
00:49:30,486 --> 00:49:32,400
- Let's get our guesses in.

1502
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:36,085
Who flashed their friends genitals on TV?

1503
00:49:36,085 --> 00:49:37,506
- Oh.
- Brian, who do you think?

1504
00:49:37,506 --> 00:49:39,466
- I'm going back with this
piece of work over here.

1505
00:49:39,466 --> 00:49:40,363
- Nick?

1506
00:49:40,363 --> 00:49:41,571
- I think it's Pat.
- Pat?

1507
00:49:41,571 --> 00:49:43,290
- I think it's Nick.
- Hayley?

1508
00:49:43,290 --> 00:49:46,251
- I'm gonna go with you again.

1509
00:49:46,251 --> 00:49:47,965
- Well, the person who flashed
their friend's genitals

1510
00:49:47,965 --> 00:49:50,264
on TV, please take a sip of their drink.

1511
00:49:50,264 --> 00:49:53,264
(suspenseful music)

1512
00:49:54,391 --> 00:49:58,360
- Oh, there it is.
- Ooh.

1513
00:49:58,360 --> 00:49:59,607
- Was it Brian? Was it Brian?

1514
00:49:59,607 --> 00:50:00,640
- No, it was not.

1515
00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:03,229
- [Pat] Oh wow. Shame on me.

1516
00:50:03,229 --> 00:50:04,638
- But it was Grant.

1517
00:50:04,638 --> 00:50:06,646
- [Hayley] No.
- [Brian] Oh.

1518
00:50:06,646 --> 00:50:07,871
- [Lily] Grant has had his arms crossed.

1519
00:50:07,871 --> 00:50:09,514
- [Brian] Interesting.
(Lily laughing)

1520
00:50:09,514 --> 00:50:10,347
- [Pat] I should've guessed that.

1521
00:50:10,347 --> 00:50:11,180
- [Brian] Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

1522
00:50:11,180 --> 00:50:12,072
(Lily screaming)

1523
00:50:12,072 --> 00:50:15,695
- Oh my God, it is 9:00 AM. (chuckles)

1524
00:50:15,695 --> 00:50:16,528
- To it.

1525
00:50:16,528 --> 00:50:17,833
- You're about to talk
about his genitals, so-

1526
00:50:17,833 --> 00:50:21,256
- Yeah, so Grant and I lived
together for seven years.

1527
00:50:21,256 --> 00:50:22,089
Grant-
- Too long.

1528
00:50:22,089 --> 00:50:24,209
- I've seen Grant's
dick more than I've seen

1529
00:50:24,209 --> 00:50:25,792
my own dick, I think.

1530
00:50:25,792 --> 00:50:27,156
Would show it to me all the time,

1531
00:50:27,156 --> 00:50:28,868
would occasionally text me a photo of it.

1532
00:50:28,868 --> 00:50:30,868
And not that I want a nice photo of it,

1533
00:50:30,868 --> 00:50:32,590
but it was never a nice photo of it.

1534
00:50:32,590 --> 00:50:35,178
It was always a horrifying
flaccid photo of it.

1535
00:50:35,178 --> 00:50:38,157
(Lily laughing)

1536
00:50:38,157 --> 00:50:39,559
- Go on.

1537
00:50:39,559 --> 00:50:41,471
- I'm only looking at Grant
for this entire story.

1538
00:50:41,471 --> 00:50:42,429
- [Nick] Yeah, yeah.
(Hayley laughs)

1539
00:50:42,429 --> 00:50:43,262
- [Pat] And it's very interesting.

1540
00:50:43,262 --> 00:50:44,095
- Hey-
- [Nick] Anyhow-

1541
00:50:44,095 --> 00:50:45,506
- Punching on Grant.

1542
00:50:45,506 --> 00:50:49,150
- Grant sent me a truly
horrifying photo of his dick.

1543
00:50:49,150 --> 00:50:51,195
I still have it, I can show
it to you guys if you want.

1544
00:50:51,195 --> 00:50:52,028
- Let's just run over there.

1545
00:50:52,028 --> 00:50:54,142
- Hey, pull out that treat.

1546
00:50:54,142 --> 00:50:55,223
- Ooh.
- Ooh wow.

1547
00:50:55,223 --> 00:51:00,151
- He had sent it to me a
week later. I'm in Chicago.

1548
00:51:00,151 --> 00:51:04,015
I'm at this place called,
ironically, the Wiener Circle.

1549
00:51:04,015 --> 00:51:06,997
It's a hot dog stand where
the staff insults you

1550
00:51:06,997 --> 00:51:09,905
while you order and that's by design

1551
00:51:09,905 --> 00:51:13,307
and I don't understand the business model,

1552
00:51:13,307 --> 00:51:14,692
but God bless 'em.

1553
00:51:14,692 --> 00:51:17,687
So I am ordering a hotdog.

1554
00:51:17,687 --> 00:51:21,323
They're calling me all
sorts of horrible names

1555
00:51:21,323 --> 00:51:24,774
and the woman who I'm ordering from says

1556
00:51:24,774 --> 00:51:27,684
"you're a nasty little bitch."
(Hayley gasps)

1557
00:51:27,684 --> 00:51:31,085
"I bet you've got a
dick pic on your phone."

1558
00:51:31,085 --> 00:51:32,706
And I go, "No, I don't"

1559
00:51:32,706 --> 00:51:35,646
'cause I've never photographed
my dick and I never will.

1560
00:51:35,646 --> 00:51:37,553
But I do realize in that moment,

1561
00:51:37,553 --> 00:51:40,090
oh, I do actually have
a dick pic on my phone.

1562
00:51:40,090 --> 00:51:43,801
It's just not of my dick.
And so I go, "Yeah, okay."

1563
00:51:43,801 --> 00:51:45,817
And so, I show her this dick pic.

1564
00:51:45,817 --> 00:51:47,481
She recoils

1565
00:51:47,481 --> 00:51:49,092
because again, it's horrifying.

1566
00:51:49,092 --> 00:51:51,401
(group chuckling)

1567
00:51:51,401 --> 00:51:55,225
Then cut to six months
later, unbeknownst to me

1568
00:51:55,225 --> 00:51:56,947
while we were there at the Wiener Circle,

1569
00:51:56,947 --> 00:52:01,426
they were filming a documentary
about the Wiener Circle.

1570
00:52:01,426 --> 00:52:03,257
And I guess there was like a sign of

1571
00:52:03,257 --> 00:52:06,307
"if you come and get a hot dog,
you're gonna get insulted-"

1572
00:52:06,307 --> 00:52:07,155
- We're gonna put you in a documentary.

1573
00:52:07,155 --> 00:52:09,476
- "And we're gonna record you."

1574
00:52:09,476 --> 00:52:13,101
So what aired on E or truTV

1575
00:52:13,101 --> 00:52:15,301
is me (laughs) going,

1576
00:52:15,301 --> 00:52:18,227
"Yeah, I got a photo of a
dick" and showing Grant's dick.

1577
00:52:18,227 --> 00:52:19,060
- No!

1578
00:52:20,589 --> 00:52:23,419
- To the woman and the camera and America.

1579
00:52:23,419 --> 00:52:24,252
- [Pat] Wow.
- [Nick] I never-

1580
00:52:24,252 --> 00:52:25,335
- And you were totally unaware

1581
00:52:25,335 --> 00:52:27,009
that there's an entire camera crew there?

1582
00:52:27,009 --> 00:52:28,259
- Yeah, I had no idea.

1583
00:52:28,259 --> 00:52:29,265
- Because you were just
being berated so hard.

1584
00:52:29,265 --> 00:52:31,114
- Well, yeah, 'cause they're
insulting me. I'm just trying.

1585
00:52:31,114 --> 00:52:33,524
I was also, it was like 2:00
AM, I was a little drunk.

1586
00:52:33,524 --> 00:52:35,413
I was just trying to get a hot dog.

1587
00:52:35,413 --> 00:52:38,464
I didn't also know this
was like the insult place.

1588
00:52:38,464 --> 00:52:40,532
I was like, "Oh, a hot dog stand."

1589
00:52:40,532 --> 00:52:42,623
So at first I was like, "What the fuck?"

1590
00:52:42,623 --> 00:52:43,789
- How did people hate me?

1591
00:52:43,789 --> 00:52:45,343
- Why are they so mean to me?

1592
00:52:45,343 --> 00:52:48,745
- The week before, Nick and
our other roommate, Craig,

1593
00:52:48,745 --> 00:52:52,336
were off someplace, some city in America,

1594
00:52:52,336 --> 00:52:54,627
gallivanting as they do.
- [Brian] Ugh.

1595
00:52:54,627 --> 00:52:56,331
- They sent me a picture of
the two of them and they said,

1596
00:52:56,331 --> 00:52:57,850
"We're having fun without you."

1597
00:52:57,850 --> 00:52:59,950
Well, that's rude. That's
a rude thing to do.

1598
00:52:59,950 --> 00:53:02,344
- So you took a picture of
your best friend and said-

1599
00:53:02,344 --> 00:53:05,170
- I took a picture of my
penis and testicles and said,

1600
00:53:05,170 --> 00:53:06,411
"We're having fun without you"

1601
00:53:06,411 --> 00:53:07,244
because-
(Lily laughs)

1602
00:53:07,244 --> 00:53:09,714
- And I want to be clear, your pubes.

1603
00:53:09,714 --> 00:53:11,577
I think every single pube
you have was in the frame.

1604
00:53:11,577 --> 00:53:13,016
- I'm not gonna give you the good angle.

1605
00:53:13,016 --> 00:53:14,682
You don't get the good angle.

1606
00:53:14,682 --> 00:53:15,725
You get the top down.

1607
00:53:15,725 --> 00:53:17,111
- [Nick] I did not get the good angle.

1608
00:53:17,111 --> 00:53:19,051
- I liked how you went very flaccid.

1609
00:53:19,051 --> 00:53:20,835
Like not even a little bit hard.

1610
00:53:20,835 --> 00:53:22,793
- Deflated almost.
- Yeah, yeah.

1611
00:53:22,793 --> 00:53:25,030
- Did you not have
worries that sending it,

1612
00:53:25,030 --> 00:53:26,700
it would come back to bite you in the form

1613
00:53:26,700 --> 00:53:28,169
of being exposed to the world?

1614
00:53:28,169 --> 00:53:29,294
- Oh, Pat.
- [Grant] Pat,

1615
00:53:29,294 --> 00:53:30,480
the number of dick pics I send.

1616
00:53:30,480 --> 00:53:31,313
- Oh, Pat.

1617
00:53:31,313 --> 00:53:33,230
- [Grant] I have to let that worry go.

1618
00:53:33,230 --> 00:53:35,424
The way I found out about this photo,

1619
00:53:35,424 --> 00:53:37,879
we had a mutual friend of ours

1620
00:53:37,879 --> 00:53:40,404
who was editing this documentary, who

1621
00:53:40,404 --> 00:53:43,295
- Oh.
- came across Nick

1622
00:53:43,295 --> 00:53:45,870
in a frame, took a still of it and sent it

1623
00:53:45,870 --> 00:53:47,238
and said, "Is this you?"

1624
00:53:47,238 --> 00:53:48,071
- [Nick] Yeah.

1625
00:53:48,071 --> 00:53:50,287
- And it's you with a big
fucking grin on your face.

1626
00:53:50,287 --> 00:53:51,120
- Yeah.
(Lily laughs)

1627
00:53:51,120 --> 00:53:55,163
- Showing my dick to some
lady. Who did ask for it.

1628
00:53:55,163 --> 00:53:58,728
- And that's now the first
thing on Grant's IMDB.

1629
00:53:58,728 --> 00:53:59,651
- Look, a credit's a credit.

1630
00:53:59,651 --> 00:54:01,221
What am I gonna-
- [Lily] All right.

1631
00:54:01,221 --> 00:54:02,960
- [Grant] It's better
than fucking Dropout.

1632
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:05,690
- That is points to
everyone except for Nick.

1633
00:54:05,690 --> 00:54:08,671
- Can I get something out
of that? For Christ's sakes.

1634
00:54:08,671 --> 00:54:09,527
- [Pat] He gets that half points-

1635
00:54:09,527 --> 00:54:10,423
- I'll give you a point.
- [Pat] For fooling around.

1636
00:54:10,423 --> 00:54:11,913
It's closing time.

1637
00:54:11,913 --> 00:54:15,886
The final scores are
Nick with five points.

1638
00:54:15,886 --> 00:54:17,793
Incredible, that strategy worked at all.

1639
00:54:17,793 --> 00:54:19,626
Brian with six points.

1640
00:54:20,597 --> 00:54:22,606
Pat with two points.

1641
00:54:22,606 --> 00:54:23,638
- Oh.
- Pretty good, Pat.

1642
00:54:23,638 --> 00:54:25,171
- [Lily] And Hayley with nine points.

1643
00:54:25,171 --> 00:54:26,004
(Hayley screaming)

1644
00:54:26,004 --> 00:54:30,445
Which means today's winner
is Hayley Marie Norman!

1645
00:54:30,445 --> 00:54:32,875
- I'm gonna do a victory lap. Cheers.

1646
00:54:32,875 --> 00:54:34,340
- Grant, tell her what she won.

1647
00:54:34,340 --> 00:54:37,400
Lily, Hayley will be getting
a Dirty Laundry apron.

1648
00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:40,487
- Oh, I just moved and my
goal is to learn how to cook.

1649
00:54:40,487 --> 00:54:41,622
- Oh, it's perfect then.

1650
00:54:41,622 --> 00:54:42,862
- That's it for "Dirty Laundry."

1651
00:54:42,862 --> 00:54:44,332
I've been your host Lily Du,

1652
00:54:44,332 --> 00:54:46,172
who's hoping you become a regular.

1653
00:54:46,172 --> 00:54:47,755
Goodnight.
(group cheering)

1654
00:54:47,755 --> 00:54:50,443
- I won.
- I learned so much.

1655
00:54:50,443 --> 00:54:52,201
(chill music)

1656
00:54:53,309 --> 00:54:55,045
- We're not the only
ones with wild stories.

1657
00:54:55,045 --> 00:54:57,901
This one comes to us from Eva who writes,

1658
00:54:57,901 --> 00:54:59,775
one Halloween I was sick with a fever

1659
00:54:59,775 --> 00:55:02,184
while my housemates went out to party.

1660
00:55:02,184 --> 00:55:04,882
The next morning, my roommate
entered our shared bedroom

1661
00:55:04,882 --> 00:55:07,309
to find an unknown woman in her thirties,

1662
00:55:07,309 --> 00:55:09,787
spooning me while I was still dead asleep.

1663
00:55:09,787 --> 00:55:12,602
I woke up to my roommate
saying, "What the fuck?"

1664
00:55:12,602 --> 00:55:14,165
The stranger woke up too.

1665
00:55:14,165 --> 00:55:16,699
She seemed confused, but affectionate.

1666
00:55:16,699 --> 00:55:19,195
Acting a bit hurt when I
asked her questions like,

1667
00:55:19,195 --> 00:55:21,782
"Who are you and what are you doing here?"

1668
00:55:21,782 --> 00:55:25,773
She kept telling me,
"Stop, don't be like that."

1669
00:55:25,773 --> 00:55:27,756
Eventually, our other housemates came in

1670
00:55:27,756 --> 00:55:29,100
to see the commotion.

1671
00:55:29,100 --> 00:55:31,611
Turns out the woman had come home with her

1672
00:55:31,611 --> 00:55:33,376
the previous night, gotten up to pee,

1673
00:55:33,376 --> 00:55:34,915
returned to the wrong bedroom,

1674
00:55:34,915 --> 00:55:37,392
and spooned the first lady she saw.

1675
00:55:37,392 --> 00:55:41,005
Then she figured I'd just
been too drunk to remember.

1676
00:55:41,005 --> 00:55:43,422
Hey, check before you spoon.