- There are some secrets we take to the grave,
and others we plaster online for laughs.
- 9/11, you up?
(group laughing)
- I'd like everyone to not make eye contact with me
as I tell you this.
- [Pat] Oh, he was doing it. - Whoa.
- [Brian] Straddled you? - Straddled me from the front.
- So violent.
- I'm your host, Lily Du. Let's air some "Dirty Laundry."
(chill music)
With me today are some writers and actors who long time fans
are sure to recognize.
We have a seven up, Hayley Marie Norman.
(lips smacking) Seven up. Hi.
- A seven down, Pat Cassels.
A seven sideways, Brian Huskey.
And a seven inside out, Nick Kocher.
How good are you at spotting a liar?
- Terrible, based on my dating history.
- Oh, okay. Starting personal.
- I never assume anyone is lying.
- You can't be trusting Grant,
he's one of your closest friends.
- Well, I assume Grant is almost always lying.
- I did you the favor of teaching you how to spot a liar.
- Here's how the game works.
I have a stack of secrets about our guests
and they have to guess who each secret belongs to.
If it's their own, they should make accusations to try
and throw people off their trail.
But we could have thrown in a secret about me
or our bartender.
Hey Grant, what's today's special?
- Lily, today's special is the Lake Erie slush.
- Liar.
(Lily laughing) - This guy's good.
- All right, here is how scoring works.
You get one point for every time you guess correctly,
but if it's your own secret and you fool everyone,
that is three points.
Sound good?
- Cheers, bitches.
- Cheers, bitch.
- To honesty. - Cheers.
- To honesty. - To honesty.
♪ Swear I'll never lie to you ♪
- First secret. Starting off with a bang.
Whose memory of 9/11 is hornier than most?
- Nick. Oh wait.
(group laughing)
- All right, that is a good lesson to me
that I'm giving off the wrong vibe immediately.
- Did you say hornier than usual?
- Than most. - [Pat] Oh, than most.
- The 9/11 traditionally is a pretty horny time.
- [Grant] Sure. - Yeah.
- [Lily] Yeah.
- You'd never lived in New York, Hayley, right?
- I have a 917 area code, so I'm a New York poser,
but correct. - [Brian] Okay.
- Thanks for calling me out, Brian.
I've never lived in New York.
But I can be horny on the other coast.
- That's true. - Yeah.
- You were not as horny as we were, okay?
That affected directly.
- No, but maybe it was more horny.
- I have relatives who were first responders.
No one was hornier than them. (Hayley laughs)
- Oh.
- Yo, bitch, being horny is a grief response,
like that is that-
- It's a trauma response.
- It's a trauma response that I am saying
with a certain authority so it makes it true.
- It's denial, bargaining- - Wait.
- Bargain. - Horny.
- [Brian] Boner.
- Hungry, hunger.
- Who has the vibe of someone
who is masturbating in the morning?
- You. (Grant laughs)
- [Nick] Why?
I don't know why we're considering anyone other than Pat
with that mustache.
(Pat laughing)
- [Hayley] Wait, you're right.
Pat, why haven't you been on my radar for this?
- He's taking it like a compliment.
- What do you mean? Like a porn star vibe?
- You look like you're him. - Yeah.
- You look like you thought this was a key party.
- That looked like one, honestly.
- All right, let's get our guesses in.
Whose memory of 9/11 is hornier than most? Hayley?
- Nick. - Pat?
- I'm also gonna say Nick.
- [Lily] Brian who's your guest?
- I'm gonna say Pat. - Nick?
- Yeah, I think Pat. He's giving off a Quagmire vibe.
I think it's him.
- (laughing) I always say giggity like four times
before we started rolling.
- All right, well the person whose memory of 9/11
is hornier than most, please take a sip of their drink.
(suspenseful music)
(guests exclaim) (Hayley screams)
- [Nick] Wait. - [Pat] Oh.
- Oh. - [Hayley] Oh.
Oh my God.
- You never would've expected. Three points to Brian.
- Started like any other peaceful morning.
- The Saudi Arabian Government contacted me.
- I mean, we all have needs.
I woke up in the morning, my body was like,
"Hey, you know what? Released a little tension."
So I released a little tension and-
- In the airplane bathroom or what?
Who's in your seat? (Hayley laughs)
- In my place in Brooklyn, which was literally,
so the Twin Towers are here
and our place is across the river.
- Oh.
- Every day I'd walk home, I would see the Twin Towers.
I'm like, "Oh, that's so beautiful. This's so great."
- [Lily] Thank God- - Oh, we'll salute.
- They'll be standing forever.
- They'll be there no matter how many times I ejaculate,
they'll always be there.
And then, so I finished,
and the second I finished,
(imitates explosion sound)
- Oh. (laughing) - [Brian] This big rumbling,
and I was in a place where I was sort of like,
it was a good one and I couldn't differentiate it.
I was like, "Did I think that? Am I feeling?
Like, did I cause a boom sound?"
- Right.
- Is there normally a boom sound?
(group laughing)
- Yeah, that's the thing.
I was like, "Wow, is there's that much blood rushing
from my head down to the zone?"
- Huge cloud of dust. - Huge cloud of dust.
So then I like got up and I was like,
"Something feels weird."
And I looked down on the street and then chaos
and I was like, "Oh my God, oh my God."
So I put on my pajamas, ran out, my roommate ran out
and we're like, "What the hell's going on?"
He's like, "I don't know."
And he looked down and I had a full erection
in my underwear, in my pajamas.
We're running around and he was like (vocalizing).
And then I was like, "Oh, I have an erection."
It's like, "I know, I don't wanna say anything about it."
We ignored it. - [Nick] Just kept it going.
- I think there a possibility you're the least
horny person when 9/11 happened
'cause you were the closest person
to have gotten it all out and could-
- [Lily] Oh, okay. - COVID though. Woohoo.
- [Hayley] Very horned up? - Boing.
- [Lily] Very horny. - Very horny.
- That one gets me going.
- All right, that is three points to Brian,
just because none of you could imagine him
saying the word ejaculate. (Hayley laughs)
Next secret.
Who slid into someone's DMs to save a life?
Oh. - Mm.
- That's always what it feels like.
- Mm. - [Hayley] Mm.
- Offering someone's nudes is not saving their life.
- I'm gonna go what life endangering situation could you be
in that you then check Instagram?
- Yeah. - During it.
- Could it be like, "Hey, I couldn't help but notice,
I think you have melanoma.
(Hayley laughing)
- Oh yeah, in your photos. Yeah.
- Yeah, something visible.
- [Hayley] Look well.
- I've heard about that happening
where people will be watching TV and some doctor will say,
"Hey, your neck has a goiter on it. You gotta take a look."
- I feel like you don't strike me
as a slide into someone's DMs kind of person.
- I'm more kind of like comment to them.
- I also think you're giving off
lifesaving vibes a little bit.
- Right. You guys, I actually love this for me.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I kind of have my eyes on you right now.
- Really?
- Because before we started shooting,
Pat reminded me that he slid in my DMs
to ask me a work question. - That's true. Yes.
- So you're a notorious DM slider.
- That's a one work question makes me notorious?
(group laughing)
- Hey, if you have a professional question, that's a slide.
(group laughing)
Nick, you ever DM? - Sure. Yeah.
- [Hayley] Mm. - [Lily] Okay.
- You are being awfully quiet.
- Ooh. Lots of little poker faces.
- I don't. Don't we all?
- [Pat] Yeah, I do.
- [Hayley] No, this is really poker facey.
- Is anyone not taking advantage of the message function?
- Some people are morally above it.
- He's defensive. He's being defensive.
- Yes, I only do handwritten letters.
- [Lily] Yes. (guests laugh)
- I mean, Grant, you strike me as a DM slider a little bit.
- I understand. - But not a good person.
(Lily cackling)
- [Grant] Good.
- What's the most egregious DM you've ever sent?
- It was like, "9/11, you up?"
(group laughing)
- You were on my space? - [Pat] Yeah.
- All right, let's get our guesses in.
Who slid into someone's DMs to save a life?
Pat, who do you think? - Hayley.
- [Lily] Brian? - Nick.
- Yeah. - Based on no evidence.
- Nick?
- I'm gonna go with Quagmire again.
- Giggity.
- [Lily] Hayley, who's your guest?
- I'm gonna go with Pat.
- All right, fingers are being pointed. Let's find out.
Well, the person who slid into someone's DMS to save a life,
please take a sip of their drink.
(suspenseful music)
(Hayley screaming) (guests exclaiming)
- [Hayley] God dammit.
- She's onto you. (Hayley giggles)
- I'm good at lying and I can see a lie.
I love my new super power.
- My wife and I had a baby.
- Brag.
- Three months ago. Yep, brag.
- Brag. - [Nick] That's right.
And then we brought the baby home to our house
and our dog wanted to kill the baby.
Did not care for the baby.
And it was, you know, it's already pretty hard
taking care of a newborn.
It's significantly harder when there is a wolf
that lives in the house that is actively trying
to kill the newborn.
- [Lily] Yeah.
- And we were watching "Dog Whisperer." It worked.
We were like, this is the only person
who can solve our problems.
So my wife- - This is not Cesar Milan?
- [Nick] This is Cesar Milan.
- Okay. Okay. - [Lily] Okay. Okay.
- Yeah, yeah. So my wife DM'd Cesar Milan
and was like, "Our dog wants to kill our baby,
can you help us?"
And he was like, "Yes."
- He responded?
- He responded, said yes. - I love that.
- Said, "Come on out to the ranch."
- The ranch? - Yeah.
- Wow, the whole ranch
- So we went, we took our baby and our dog
at separate sides of the car
and we drove out to Santa Clarita
and Cesar Milan did like a training session with us,
which was very bizarre 'cause it was the thing he did was--
- 'Cause of the baby, not the dog.
- [Nick] Yeah, yeah, it was the baby.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Was this recorded for an episode or anything or-
- No, it was not. - [Pat] Okay.
- So he's a good person?
- But it was- it did feel like an episode,
he was like, "So what's going on?
What's the problem?"
We're like, "The dog's trying to kill the baby."
And he was like, "Okay."
- Whisper, start whispering.
- (guests in unison) Yeah.
- (whispering) Don't do it.
- He did at one point do that (hisses)
thing where he like pinches the dog.
And I got like, I've never been starstruck by a gesture
before, but I was like, "He did the thing."
- [Brian] Oh my God. He pinched him.
- Did it work?
- Well, so the first thing he did was he was like,
"So what we're going to do first is I'm going to introduce."
So this is gonna get confusing.
Our dog is named Turtle.
So Cesar Milan was like, "So the first thing
we're going to do is introduce Turtle to my parrot.
And the parrot is an actual parrot, not some other animal.
- [Brian] I was hoping, you know what I'm saying.
- And so, the parrot sort of nibbled at the dog's nose.
And so, we did like some more exercises
that were all weirdly bird related.
Like I walked around with the baby
and the dog around a group of chickens.
(guests laughing)
- Excuse me, is that for real? - [Lily] That's insane.
- That's for real.
And I had to be very calm and confident.
I was walking around and he was like,
"No, no, no, no, no. Be calm and confident.
And then I did what I thought to be the exact same thing.
And he was like, "Yeah, good. That's better."
Yeah, well.
- And did you pay for this or was Cesar just like so nice?
- I was very clear to my wife,
get his rate before we go do this.
(Grant laughs) - [Brian] Yeah.
- Because I don't know,
I imagine this is unreasonably expensive.
He never charged us at all.
(Lily gasps)
- [Nick] Out of the goodness of his heart.
- I love Cesar Milan.
- That's why they DM Cesar Milan.
You let go and let him- - Pay me in Turkey meat.
- Yeah. (Brian laughs)
- And that has it helped since?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Should be clear, it has worked so far.
- [Hayley] For how long?
- The dog could still eat the baby,
in which case you can't air this.
- [Brian] This is two days ago.
(Hayley laughing)
- All right, that is a point to Brian.
- [Hayley] Mm.
- [Lily] Next secret. (Brian exhaling deeply)
Who took 80 sleeping pills by accident?
- 80 is eight-
- 80.
- Eight zero.
- Eight by zero. - Accident?
- By accident. - None of us are dead.
So this is gonna be-
- Yeah, I was just gonna say-
- [Lily] By accident.
- 80 pills in general is tough to have by acci-
That's like half an hour of taking pills.
- Yeah, that-
- [Hayley] Used to half hour of taking pills.
- Maybe they thought they were Skittles.
- I feel like it could be Grant,
because you know mixologist in New York.
- I'm a bull elephant. It takes a lot to bring me down.
- Wild, yeah, exactly. I could see this.
- You faint when you're in the front row of a movie.
- Leave me alone. Leave me alone.
- [Hayley] You could've sleeping pills
in that drink right now.
- I understand, front row is like,
you have the neck craning and cutting off your blood flow.
I know about that.
- Was it all at once?
Maybe they just thought they were taking a medication
for 80 days and it was actually one sleeping pill a day.
- Oh, interesting. - Oh, I have-
- That's not allowed to be the secret.
- [Lily] It's so much. (group laughing)
- If the secret is I took one pill a day,
I'm gonna be upset.
- [Lily] That is so much.
- Is sleeping pills melatonin?
'Cause someone might be just like,
"Take a bunch of melatonin." - Is sleeping pills Melatonin?
That's a good question because melatonin is delicious.
- [Nick] Yeah, that's fine. . When I was a kid, actually,
my mom did bring me to the hospital because she came home
and I had eaten a whole bottle of Flintstone vitamins.
- Okay, so you-
- [Hayley] Oh. - Okay.
- [Brian] So you have no-
- Pattern of behavior. - [Hayley] You have history.
Were you okay? What did the doctors say?
- I was better than okay, I had-
- You're like super healthy.
- 90- - So much Vitamin C.
- [Pat] Eat 90 dinos and you're gonna feel great.
- All right. Let's get our guesses in.
Brian, who do you think took 80 sleeping pills by accident?
- I'm gonna say Pat.
And again, it's based on just a vibe of kind of not-
That's fair. That's fair. - [Brian] Not, yeah.
- Nick?
- Numbers wise, it's gonna eventually check out
if I just keep guessing Pat.
- Okay. - So I will say Pat.
- True. - Right. Hayley?
- I'm gonna go with Grant.
- Oh, I keep forgetting. - [Hayley] Yeah.
- I'm also gonna go with Grant.
I think it just sounds like a Grant story.
- [Hayley] Yeah.
- [Pat] I don't-
- Like something a buffoon would do?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- It's a bit of a buffoonery.
- He's been shotgunning peanuts back there off camera
- Yeah, I could picture it. Yeah, I see it.
All right, well, the person who took 80 sleeping pills
by accident, please take a sip of their drink.
(suspenseful music)
- Got you, bitches. - Oh.
- Take a sip, you sip, you sip!
- (laughing) I like to break roles.
- Three points to Hayley. - [Brian] Wow.
- So I went to Europe with my bestie.
- There you go.
- And as I was walking around Europe,
I was like, "Oh my God, my hip hurts."
And it just kept getting worse and worse.
So I'm walking and I'm like,
"Oh my God, this is excruciating."
And I was like, "Well, you know what?"
'Cause I don't normally take pharmaceuticals.
I'm like super holistic, you know?
But I was like, "Oh you know what?
Great packing job, Hayley, you packed Advil."
You know, in case something happened, you're so prepared.
So I went to take like one or two Advil
and my best friend who I was traveling with was like,
"My dad's a doctor and he said that you can actually take
four Advil at a time."
- [Lily] Yeah. - And you heard 80.
- (laughs) And I heard 80.
Okay, so I was like, "Okay, great."
I took four and that was like in the morning.
But then we're walking, walking, walking.
So by the evening time I would be like,
"I need to take another four."
So we meet up at this speakeasy, like this whole,
it's this whole thing.
- Like this.
- Just like this. Exactly.
And so, I'm starting to feel like the walls close in.
Everything starts looking like a Salvador Dali painting
and I'm trying to like play it off, right?
And then eventually I was like, "I'm gonna go,
I'm just gonna go use the restroom."
And I lay down like on the cold bathroom floor
and I was like, "Do I just pretend to be cool
and make it through this or do I actually,
I need to take care of myself in this moment?
So I went back to the party. - And better take some more.
- [Hayley] I better take some more sleeping.
Yeah, I better take some more Advil. I'm in a lot of pain.
I was like, "You know what, I'm gonna go,
I'm just gonna get an Uber.
I'm gonna go back to the Airbnb and I'll see you later."
So I went to the Airbnb. I took a nap.
- I bet you did. - Yeah! (laughing)
- She calls it a nap. - Yeah, I called it a nap.
- A fun day.
- And you woke up and you were here shooting-
- And I was here. - [Lily] Yeah.
- I took a nap and set my alarm
because we had really fun dinner reservations that night.
So I'm-
- I'm just also just doing some basic math
and there are 72 more pills together.
- Oh yeah, because the-
- Yeah, yeah, that's right.
- You guys, the trip was 10 days.
This is just the first day that I took the pills, okay?
So I go to dinner that night
and I'm trying to get to the restaurant
and I can't even find my Uber.
Like I'm fully delirious, but I'm just like,
"Ooh, it's because I'm in a new country, blah, blah."
- Jet lag. Yeah. - Jet lag. Exactly.
We get to the restaurant
and I'm just crying at the table again.
Like, (laughs) I'm sobbing. (guests laugh)
- You're fun to travel with.
- Everything is, but I'm thinking it's like it,
you know, whatever.
So then multiple, the next day goes by. Hip still hurts.
Okay, let me take my Advil
and I'm starting to like confuse languages
and at this point we're in Paris
and I'm calling the Eiffel Tower, The Statue of Liberty.
(Grant laughs) And instead of saying-
- Which is what it should be called, by the way.
- Which is what it should be called: freedom.
And so, 10 days go by,
I'm upping the Advil dosage every day.
And then on the last day in the airport.
- You're fully in the movie "Inception" at this point.
- We're at the airport now, like we're flying home.
We've been in Europe for 10 days.
The last day my bestie is like,
"Oh, I have a little bit of a headache.
Can I have some of your Advil?" And I was like, "Yeah."
So I hand my friend my blue gel cap Advils and she's like,
"Oh, thanks but do you have any that aren't Advil PM?"
And I was like, "Wait, what?"
And she was like, "This is Advil PM."
And I was like, "This is," I was like,
"I've been taking eight of these a day.
This explains everything." - [Brian] That's amazing.
- I'm sorry, you just to start though.
You packed 80 Advil PM?
(group laughing)
- They we're on sale, okay? (Hayley laughs)
- That's three points to Hayley. Next secret.
Who may have been the target
of a holiday party sting operation?
- This one. - Why that one?
- I just do... I'm getting vibes
- You heard the word "sting" and you looked at him.
- Yeah, it's the mustache thing.
This is a sting like type mustache.
- [Lily] Yeah. - This is a recent thing
'cause he is on the lamb.
- Someone explained to me how a sting operation works.
- You're trying to catch someone in like who's guilty.
- Like you pose as a drug dealer and then-
- Yeah, so you get them to buy drugs
or you make like a fraud transfer or whatever.
- It could be sometimes with people
where they have existing warrants,
they'll do things like where they go,
"Hey, you want a boat? Come get your boat."
But if this person was particularly lonely, they'd be like,
"Hey, you're invited to a holiday party."
- Or a random and a company you're not involved.
- They show up. You're under arrest.
- I still think it's you but for no reason
other than my
women's intuition.
- Vibe based guesses have been doing well.
That's kind what I'm doing.
- Yeah, her intuition did make her eat 80 Advil PM.
(group laughing)
Let's get our guesses in. - [Pat] Yeah.
- Who may have been the target
of a holiday party sting operation?
Nick?
- I mean, surely this one has to be Pat.
- Hayley, who do you think.
- Pat, 'cause I can see Pat really getting down
at a holiday party.
And then again, women's intuition.
- This is a visualization exercise for Hayley
where she can see each person.
- Pat? - Grant again.
I feel bad, but I just...
I also intuition, and again, also statistics.
- I party. - [Lily] Brian?
- Yeah, I'm gonna pig pile on Grant as well.
- Well, the person who may have been the target
of a holiday party sting operation,
please take a sip of their drink.
(suspenseful music)
(Brian gasps) - [Nick] Finally.
- Wow. - [Grant] Wowee.
Wowee. - Yay, cheers.
- [Brian] Jump right in there.
- This was when CollegeHumor was still in New York,
kind of early days.
CollegeHumor was invited
'cause our neighbors at our New York office
were the offices of High Times the magazine.
(Lily laughing) - Magazine.
- That's fun. - Oh my God.
- And no one really wanted to go but I had two thoughts,
neither of which are very cool.
One was, well, you know, I know it's High Times,
but like thinking they're gonna get high at High Times.
That's like thinking you go to like
Sports Illustrated Magazine,
and they're gonna be playing baseball in the hallway.
So they're probably like not gonna be getting high.
Not true at all, it was completely wrong.
It was like more highness than I've ever seen.
- Oh yeah.
- And then the second thing,
and this is really embarrassing was like,
"this will be a great networking event."
(Lily laughing)
- [Brian] Because they're gonna remember our conversation.
- Listen, it was early CollegeHumor-
- [Hayley] So funny.
- [Pat] It was not what it was now.
I gotta jump ship, get off this CollegeHumor boat
and go to High Times.
- I guess some people are focused.
- So I do go to this holiday party
and every pastry there was like loaded with weed.
I had never eaten edibles before, which I now realize,
I guess gets you much more high in a different way.
So I got very, very stoned
and I started talking to this girl who worked there.
She was one of the writers or one of the editors
and she's like showing me around the office and stuff.
And I'm just getting really, really high.
And then she takes me into her office
and she has all these jugs of fertilizer
'cause it's like she grows pot obviously.
And this by the way, this is like back in the day,
I don't think it was quite as legal as it is now.
- Meaning it was illegal.
- It was like aughts, they're like aughts.
The late aughts, early teens.
- Oh yeah, fully illegal. - Yeah, illegal. Now, less.
- Was it legal at that point?
- (guests) No. - No, it just became legal.
- In my brain, it was like a class, you know,
whatever, it was a felony.
So she showed me the fertilizer and then she is like,
"Hey, the party's winding down.
Do you mind helping me bring these back to my apartment?
I live around the corner," right?
So in my head, obviously, I think this is a sting operation.
And I think I had read something about having fertilizer
is like an act of terrorism.
- I had the same thought with my fertilizer after 9/11.
Like the first thing I said, "Am I doing something here?"
- I just thought there was a non-zero chance
that this was a sting operation.
And I just some like story I had heard about
just because of the technicalities,
it was actually a federal offense.
And I would go to prison for like
the rest of my life or 10 years.
And I was like, "No problem."
And I was like, "I'll be right back."
And I just walked out of her office
and immediately left the party and went home.
- Oh my God. I think she wanted to make out with you.
- That's what I've been told in the...
That's what my friend said in the aftermath
but in my head it was- - Yeah.
- Of course, she was at her office
surrounded by people she knows.
- [Pat] Yeah. - [Nick] Yeah.
- And said, "Hey, you, Pat, the guy who's here.
Will you come to my apartment?"
- I mean, what more devious sting operation
than that though, you know?
- But she tells the story too.
- It's asking someone to bring all your fertilizer
home with you not flirtatious enough for you, Pat?
- [Brian] Oh, that is the most-
- I'm waiting for it to happen again, I know I blew it.
- Next time you'll recognize the signs.
- You never heard the euphemism tote that fertilizer?
- I used to saying, it doesn't work
- Did you tote her fertilizer, bro?
- Gonna get oxygenate that soil.
(Brian laughing)
- That is points to Hayley and Nick.
- [Pat] Dammit.
- That's it for round one. We are gonna take a quick break.
But in the meantime, hey Grant, what are we drinking?
(mellow music)
- Today's cocktail is the Lake Erie slush.
And friends, I wanna tell you a story.
This cocktail is the very first drink I ever had in my life.
I was seven years old.
I was at grandma and grandpa Arps's house at Christmas time.
I said, "What are you drinking, mom?"
And she said, "I'm drinking something for adults."
I'm a big boy, I can have it. She said, "Oh yeah, try some."
And I came over and I grabbed her frosty cup
and I stuck my finger in it for some reason.
And then I tasted my first taste of alcohol
and it tasted so, so bad.
But it set me off on a lifelong journey of cocktails
and booze that I'm sure will only pay dividends
for years to come.
We're gonna start by making a tea syrup.
Now, our tea syrup is going to be
very, very strong black tea.
To make it, I use four black tea bags per cup of hot water.
We need two cups of it.
So eight tea bags, two cups of hot water
and two cups of sugar.
This needs to go right into a vessel of some kind.
A lot of times, people make it in old cool whip containers
'cause in the Midwest, we don't waste anything.
Whatever you use, make sure it's something
that can sit in your freezer overnight
because this is gonna go in to freeze.
I'm gonna start with my two cups of tea syrup.
Next thing I'm gonna add a 12-ounce tube
of frozen orange juice concentrate.
This started frozen, but you wanna let it thaw
before you add it so it turns into gloop.
Now, we need another can of gloop.
You can use any frozen juice you want.
There are a lot of different brandy slushes that'll use
more orange juice or cranberry juice for the holidays.
To make it a Lake Erie slush,
we're gonna use frozen limeade concentrate.
Now, we're gonna add our booze. Two cups of Korbel.
Real ones know Korbel.
I'm gonna add this right to my slushie mix.
Next thing I'm gonna add, five cups of cold water.
This is a party drink, so we're making a big batch
for a lot of people.
Now, this is gonna go in the freezer overnight,
at which point you'll be left with this.
It's frozen into a slush mixture.
Now, it's not gonna freeze solid
because as we all know,
alcohol has a lower freezing point than water does.
So what's happened here is all of that cold water
and juice concentrate that we've put in there has frozen
and the alcohol is in between
keeping it from really hardening up.
So what you're left with is a slush.
To make your drink, you're gonna get your cup
and you're gonna scoop almost all the way up
to the top of your cup.
Most of your drink will be this slush.
But we're gonna stop here
and we're gonna top that off with soda.
A lot of times a brandy punch will use 7 Up or Sprite.
But I'm a proper northern boy.
So we're going to use a proper northern drink, Vernors.
Fill that almost up to the lip
and you're gonna give everything a little stir.
Now, we're gonna use garnishes.
As you know, I tend to avoid using maraschino cherries
as a garnish, but this is a Lake Erie slush.
And in my memory, Lake Erie always has
a little bit of garbage floating in it.
So here's one Maraschino cherry.
Now, some people serve this slush
with a spoon to eat it like a dessert.
Some people serve it with a straw to drink it like a drink.
I don't do any of that.
I pick it up and I eat it like it's snow.
This is a Lake Erie slush.
♪ Swear I never lie to you. ♪
- And we're back. Let's recap the scores.
We have Nick with one point.
- Pathetic. - Boo.
- So pathetic. - That sucks.
- [Lily] Pat with zero points.
- [Grant] That fucking sucks. - Oh, that's worse.
- That's worse than Nick. - [Grant] Pat, that sucks.
- [Brian] That's amazing.
- [Lily] Brian with four points.
- (laughs) That's amazing.
- Shit.
- And Hayley, who also has four points.
- So Brian and I are tied.
- [Lily] Yes. - Yeah, but I'm still ahead.
- It's anyone's game. Next secret.
- Math is not an exact science.
- Who ended a relationship using sorcery?
- You.
- Me? - Wow.
- I can see that. - I like the confidence.
- No, I end a relationship by wearing them down.
- A witch hunt. - [Lily] Yeah.
- Which I've been wanting to come back
and I'm very glad about that.
- [Lily] Yes.
- It is a bad look for the men here to be like,
"I think you're the sorceress.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Well, who...
Can't just break up with someone.
- Yeah, who will go to extremes to-
- Who's not in therapy?
- Oh, we're all-
- I just ended therapy 'cause it fixed me.
- [Brian] Oh wow. - The question it was who-
- [Brian] I should get that therapist.
- Could also be something with like,
their father didn't want them to become a wizard
and so, because they became a wizard, they were disowned.
- Oh yeah, it doesn't say romantic relationship.
It could be any relationship.
- [Lily] Ended a relationship. Yes.
- Could the sorcery be like a tarot card reading?
And they were just like, "Oh, you should break up with him."
- [Lily] Yeah. - Oh, okay, I'm with her.
- And I don't believe in that shit, but maybe.
- [Brian] Oh, you say you don't.
- Also, I feel like if you are like identify as a witch,
you probably would not call what you do sorcery.
I don't know that, I don't know-
- I don't think the person,
I think they got an outside sorcery service.
- I think so too.
- Oh, and there's an app for that.
I can tell you guys about it.
- They had a contract sorcerer?
- They brought. Yeah, yeah.
- But I will say this,
a lot of witches don't want to do dark spells.
- So you know witches?
- So you know about, you know at that emotional state.
- I would say that I'm a witch.
- You're like defending it now.
- Oh no, no. Basically, everyone I know is a witch.
- Which is interesting.
No, I'm in the witch community.
I'm basically part of a coven.
- Oh my God. I heard the networking-
- [Nick] That's true. - Is so good in the coven.
- I don't like that word.
I'm offended that we're equating sorcery with witchcraft.
I just wanna say it.
- Oh, interesting. - Someone's gotta say it.
They're not the same.
- Wait, so what sorcery if it's not witchcraft?
- Oh, is it S-U-S-O-U-R-C-E?
- No, everything spelled normal, would you-
- We need to know the spelling of these questions.
- They do the normal spelling on this show.
- Sorcery like sores, like cold sore or something.
- Let's get our guesses in.
- Yeah, cold, yeah, that's the source.
- Nick, who's your guess?
- I mean, I do want to guess Pat for the running bit of it,
but I don't know if everyone's been tracking
that. I've been guessing Pat each time.
I guess Pat.
- I'm gonna say Hayley just because I do think that
it's not literally witchcraft,
but it could be something like tarot adjacent.
- Living in LA makes you tarot adjacent.
- [Hayley] Yeah. - Yeah, that's true.
- [Lily] Pat?
- I'm gonna guess you.
- Hayley?
- I'm gonna go with Brian.
- Will the person who ended a relationship using sorcery,
please take a sip of their drink.
(suspenseful music)
(Brian gasping)
- Oh! No.
- Three points to Nick. - Oh, he's warlock.
- So something to know about me
is I was a very, very superstitious child.
I had all these little rituals that I did
that I thought worked.
And I was bullied a lot as like a young kid
and I did like, this is an example of one of these rituals.
I did this thing, this is the saddest thing in the world.
I made little cardboard like cutouts
of the bullies
and then using a cardboard box,
I built something I called "the nice machine."
And then I would take, every morning I would do,
I would take the little like cardboard bullies
and I would put them in the nice machine
and I would turn it on and I would then hope
that the bullies would be nice to me that day.
And every day I did it and every day I went to school
and they bullied me to death.
And I never was like,
"Oh, maybe these kids are just assholes."
I was like, "Oh, the nice machine doesn't work or like-"
- The calibration must be off.
- [Nick] "There's something wrong with it."
- I got to oil this nice machine.
- So that's like the kind of kid I was.
And I somehow, like when I was in seventh grade,
got into a relationship with a girl
and I was not the most popular kid.
So I figured I should, yeah,
enter this relationship and hang on tight.
I think this is the best I can do.
- That's a tween decision for sure.
- Yes, 12 hours later I started having a panic attack
'cause I was like, "I don't love her, I-"
- Where's this going?
- Yeah, the school is- - That's not my life.
- Built on a foundation of a lie.
I was like, "I've gotta get outta this relationship,"
but I was anti confrontational.
I knew I would never have the guts
to break up with her in person
and I knew she would never dump me
because who in their right mind would?
So I did a little- - Confident.
- You're the inventor of the nice machine. She's crazy.
- I know. - Bring it to the market.
- So I came up with a little ritual that I did
that I'm not proud of,
but I did do it.
I'd like everyone to not make eye contact with me
as I tell you this. (group laughs)
So what I did was I took...
So there was a photo of me
and then like two rows behind me, Kelsey,
and it's the only photo of us in a relationship
and she gave it to me framed.
And I took that photo
and I set it on fire.
- (gasps) Oh, sorry.
- And masturbated (Lily chortling)
and I put out the flames
with
my
fertilizer.
- [Brian] That... (Lily laughing)
Okay, the last- - This is insane.
- The last part is the most impressive,
you could put out an entire fire.
- Yeah. - [Pat] Right? Yeah.
- With just that.
- My man squirts.
(Hayley laughs) - [Brian] That is...
- [Nick] Yeah, yeah. - Wait, you're a witch?
- Yes.
- Or your semen is demonic. - [Pat] Well, or a sorcerer.
- [Hayley] Yeah, yeah. - Who throws ropes.
- [Nick] Well, this is, so I did that,
but the next day I went into school
and then Kelsey told one of her friends
to tell one of my friends that she wanted to break up.
And so, it fucking worked.
- And all my clothes were on fire this morning.
- Maybe that was the missing ingredient in the nice machine.
- (guests) Yes. - Yeah, exactly.
(Lily laughing)
- That is three points to Nick Kocher.
- And that puts me in the lead, I believe.
- No one guessed. - Next secret.
Who was traumatized by a balloon?
- I'm thinking the Macy's Day parade situation.
- (guests) Oh. - You look up, you see Snoopy
and you're like, "What the fuck's happening?"
Like I think is- - Okay.
- I'm thinking that's so-
- Those things do hurt people sometimes.
- Yeah. - Yep.
- It's very alarming if a balloon pops.
If you're in a room where someone's-
- Oh yeah.
- If someone's got a needle
in a room full of balloons, alarming.
- I was walking around New York City with a friend
and we went into an art exhibit that the artist,
I can't remember the name, he's Scottish,
fills the room with giant balloons
and you just walk around it.
But people trip over them
and they do start popping around you.
And we're deep into the room when she says,
"Yeah, one of my phobias is the sound of a balloon popping."
We're so deep in, she's finally told me.
I'm like, "Oh my God."
- Not to keep our minds in the gutter
after all jizz the talk, but
I believe there's the sexual component to balloons
so they could be traumatized in that way.
- A prophylactic?
- We're all familiar with this.
- Oh, no.
- Looners. You know, you never heard of looners?
- No. - [Lily] Tell us.
- Well, Grant, help me out here.
(Grant laughs)
- No, no, you dug this hole.
. No, yeah, yeah. No, I brought it up.
I don't know the details of it.
I just know, I think some people are-
- You, I don't buy this for a second.
- [Lily] This is you-
- This is real kink.
- Is this a joke or is this real?
- [Pat] It's not a joke. - What are looners?
- Well, I don't know how real it actually.
I'm not making this up.
- Anything.
- I might've been mislead. - Anything is possible.
- I think a lot of it is the anticipation-
- 'Cause certain people- - [Grant] Of win the balloon-
- Who get turned by, I don't know,
was it like sitting on balloons or popping balloons.
- Stepping on then like-
- This is definitely your thing.
- This is your thing. - [Hayley] Wait, the kink?
- No, then I would be traumatized.
That would be like, I would be the opposite of traumatized.
- Let's get our guesses in.
Who was traumatized by a balloon?
Brian, who do you think?
- (high pitched voice) Pat. Maybe Pat?
- Pat, who do you think?
- You.
- Okay. - Hayley, who do you think?
- I'm gonna go with Brian.
- Nick? - Pat.
(Hayley chortles)
- Great.
- Well, the person who was traumatized by a balloon,
please take a sip of their drink.
(suspenseful music)
(balloon pops) (Hayley gasps)
- Yeah. - [Grant] Well, well.
- Wait, you were, that looking-
- [Grant] Looner indeed. - In my soul was fake.
- Looner! - [Pat] I guess so. Yeah.
One of our beloved cast writers,
David Young was leaving.
He was leaving CollegeHumor and so we-
- Young no more.
- He loves magic. David Young loves magic.
And so, I was put in charge of finding a magician for him.
We were gonna get a closeup magician
to like be at this party and like surprise David
and everyone else with some closeup magic.
So we had auditions at the office for magicians.
One of the magicians came in
and he definitely was a little bit off.
And so, he was like doing his spiel and did some tricks.
They weren't really that good or whatever,
but he's like, "For my final trick,
I need a guest from the audience."
It was basically me and like two other people.
So I'm like, "Okay, I'll do it."
And he brings me up and I sit in a chair and he walks.
He has a like an uninflated balloon,
like the kind of balloon animals you make with,
and just before he starts, he like gets really close to me.
He leans into my ear and he goes,
"I'm gonna stick the balloon into your throat
and out your nose. Do not move."
- Oh my God. - [Hayley] What?
- [Pat] He said that to me immediately.
Now, I probably should have got up,
but I was kind of like, it all happened so fast.
I didn't think he was being literal.
I thought this was like, did it-
- Did everybody see him whispering into your ear?
- [Pat] Yes, yes. (Lily laughing)
- [Nick] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so-
- And registered all the blood going from your face.
- That must have set some triggers of like,
you're planning something.
- Not very mature. - That's true. Yes.
On top of it all, it actually wasn't a good trick
on top of being a felony.
So right, I just kind of was frozen
and he stuck the balloon in my throat.
- Nope. - Really did this.
It was not like an illusion.
- What did he say the trick was going to be?
- Nothing, I mean, it was a-
- I'm gonna make this guy eat a balloon.
- I know. A magician never tells his secrets.
- [Lily] Yes.
- And he just like somehow stuck it
in all the way back of my throat, out my nose.
So I basically like had it- - [Hayley] What?
- How? - [Pat] Going in my throat.
- You were sitting too still.
- [Grant] You should've moved a little more.
- [Hayley] I'm sorry. This is insane.
- Well, at this point I'm like-
- I'm shook.
- At this point, I'm like at his mercy.
- He's flossing in your brain in there.
- How did you?
- Did you just like disassociate and just like? (grunts)
- He had those nimble magician fingers.
- How did he get you to do it?
You had to open your mouth wide
or like, he just put his hand in there?
- Well, by the time like- - But he whispered first.
- I realized he was like actually physically
gonna do it- - Inside you.
- And like, yes. It just was like already in the throat.
And I don't know, I probably, yes,
I probably should have hit the ejector seat at some point.
But once it was coming outta the nose,
I was basically pot committed.
- This magician assaulted your throat.
- It gets worse, it gets worse.
- Yeah, I feel bad for you.
- He ran the balloon through your thingy
"is this your card?"
(group laughing)
- Everyone clapped. - [Brian] Oh.
- And the balloon wasn't inflated, right?
It was just a-
- It was not inflated at first.
- [Hayley] No, no, no. - [Lily] No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, magic.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Well, he leans forward- - [Nick] Nope.
- [Pat] Puts the balloon in his mouth.
This is the part that's coming out of my mouth.
- So he's kissing you? - Inflates it.
The air builds up on the nose side of it.
So it goes through the tubing into a bulb on the other side.
- And his mouth is like right
up your lips I'm assuming. - (laughs) Your mouth!
- Yes, that's like problem four,
but yes. (group laughs)
- [Pat] But yeah, it was definitely there.
(Lily laughing hard)
And then he was like, everyone's ready.
And he goes, "Everyone ready for the big finish?"
And everyone's like,
"No, we're not ready." - No, no, no.
- And he takes the ball of air and like squeezes it
and it just goes through back in reverse through my throat
and nose and out the other end.
That was the worst part
'cause I felt like that could've killed me.
- And then you're like, "my deviated septum is healed!"
- [Hayley] Yeah. - I would say, yeah.
- One important element of this and it's actually good.
It's the reason I didn't run away is because he kind of like
straddled me from the front while he was doing this.
- [Hayley] No! (Lily laughing)
- Yeah.
- Straddled you?
- [Pat] Straddled me from the front.
- So violent.
- I love that this is crazy.
- Think of a reverse cowgirl with a magician and-
- He might have just been really attracted to you.
He straddled you, his lips were like-
- Yeah, he had a weird way of showing it.
- Yeah, Pat, another one of these, man.
- Pat! You missed your shot. - [Grant] Missed your shot.
- The fertilizer and this magician.
- Yeah, people love you.
- They were trying to take you home.
- I get paranoid for the wrong reasons.
I run away when I shouldn't and then I sit-
(Hayley giggling) - Yeah.
- I still want know how he got the balloon
to turn the corner up into your nasal cavity.
- How indeed. - [Pat] I don't know.
I'm not joking. I don't know.
- Kids, try it at home. Kids.
- I guess it wasn't, I guess it was a trick in that sense.
- He's crazy that this is what he chose to audition with.
- [Hayley] How does he- - [Pat] I know.
- Thinking that-
- Every time he's on the subway it's like,
"What did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong?"
- There is like a clear,
there is a passage between the two.
- Yeah, it's a closed system.
- [Pat] But you're right though.
I don't know how we actually got it up there.
- Yeah. - [Lily] Yeah.
- Boo. - Insane.
- That is a point to Brian and Nick.
Next secret. (Hayley sighs)
Who got sumo slammed?
- I do want it to have been Grant.
- You know what never happens to me is getting picked up.
I never get to feel small.
(Hayley chuckles) - 'Cause you're not!
- I know, it's a shame.
- [Hayley] I know but- - [Lily] You're too tall!
- But a sumo wrestler would be maybe taller than you.
- Yeah, wouldn't it be great? Oh, I should travel.
- Are they really tall, sumo wrestlers?
- I mean, they're-
- [Lily] I think they're really wide.
- They're wide and tall. - [Grant] Massive.
- They're just massive. They're just mountain people.
- What is sumo slam that's different from regular slam?
- You pick someone up and sort of of hoist them
and then like that.
- I so badly wanted you to fall into the...
Yeah, yeah (Grant laughing)
- That sounds like absolute hell.
- Or who's like, who would be in a position?
Like who maybe is athletic or likes wrestling
or fighting would be in that position in the first place?
- I know the last one wasn't spelled weird,
but what if this one was spelled weird?
And it's Sue, S-U-E, Moe, M-O-E.
- Yeah.
- No, this one's spelled normal again,
because we're a very normal. (Hayley chuckling)
- Well, we've gotta ask some questions.
- We gotta dig deep.
- I like your Grant theory.
- Well, I don't think I had a Grant theory this time, did I?
- Oh, you didn't say it was Grant.
You guys, I'm telling you about hot toddy-
is kicking in. - No, someone said it's Grant.
- I did, I said I want it to be Grant.
- This hot toddy is having like almost the reverse,
like I'm tired right now (laughs) like-
- He put a PM in there, put a Advil PM in it.
- You put a little PM. - Filled to the brim with Advil PM.
You wanted Advil AM.
- Yeah, Advil PM slosher.
- Let's get our guesses in then.
Who got sumo slammed? Pat, who do you think?
- I think you, I think it's you.
It seems that like, I don't know you.
You kind of have the look of someone who is sumo slammed.
- [Lily] Slammed. - Who Me?
- Brian. Who do you think?
- I'm gonna say it is you.
- Hayley, who do you think?
- The way Brian said, "Who me?"
- What? Why?
- That, see, there's something about you.
- That didn't have the intended effect.
- That's my guess.
- Or diverting you from the herd.
- All right, Nick?
- Tradition dictates, I should vote Pat.
(Hayley chuckles)
But I do think it is Brian.
(Hayley chuckling)
So I'm gonna vote Pat.
- You're brave. That's brave of you, very brave.
- Will the person who got sumo slammed,
please take a sip of their drink.
(suspenseful music)
(high pitch stammering sounds)
- I knew it. - Yes, yes, yes.
- [Nick] I knew it. - [Hayley] Yes!
- Whoo. Not a blowout.
- I did get slammed down physically by a sumo wrestler.
I did a show called "Children's Hospital."
- (gasps) I love "Children's Hospital."
- And the bit was that my character Chet
had to wrestle a sumo wrestler because their station,
their hospital was temporarily in Japan
and they wanted to do sort of like a cultural exchange.
So I of course wore like the virtual diaper and stuff.
And we had a conference, a safety meeting with this guy
who is a actual sumo wrestler who was easily
three inches taller than you and just as wide.
Just huge.
- I didn't know-
- [Brian] Like huge! - They were tall.
- Terrifyingly large. - [Lily] Okay.
- And so, he's a professional and then he had his manager
who was also his translator.
But this sumo wrestler had selective abilities
of understanding English. (Hayley laughs)
I was like, "Oh, I'm really excited to do this with you."
He's like, "Yeah, I'm looking forward too."
And then when it came down to sort of the specifics of like,
so I said like, "So I do have a shoulder injury recently
that I need to be very protective of and-"
- (gasps) This is true! I've seen Brian at physical therapy.
- [Brian] Yeah, right.
That we were like, "Okay, safety meeting, director.
Brian's been very clear.
We just want you to pick him up in the air,
but don't slam him down.
We're just gonna do this first take and then we'll cut
and we'll make it seem like he's going down."
So he is like, "Action." We circle around, comedic, comedic.
I'm acting, you know,
I'm like acting smaller than him, which I am.
And then he comes in, swoops me up
and body slams my fucking whole body down.
And maybe we can roll that terrifying,
traumatizing clip where my head goes,
kaboosh, kabop, kacoo, kapoop. (guests gasping)
And I lay on the mat for a second.
I was like, "I don't know if I should move.
'cause I really don't know if I'm paralyzed or not."
- (laughs) And I don't wanna find out yet.
- And it was the most silent I've ever heard on a set
for like 10 seconds before somebody was like,
"Hey, Brian, you okay?"
- Oh my God, they thought they killed Brian.
- Did you have to do a second take?
- I literally had to do the rest of the scene.
Like I got up and he is like,
"Everybody, you're cool, you're cool?" I was like, "Yeah."
And I kind of got up in his face and I said like,
"I told you not to, told you not to do that."
And his manager came in and was like,
"He doesn't understand what you're saying."
- I was gonna say, I was like,
well, he just ignored the instructions?
- And I said, I was like,
"I think he does understand what I'm saying."
He can understand I'm upset of what you just did.
And the sumo wrestler just was,
their poker face,
he just was like, he did not care.
- Did they retake- - [Brian] Did not care.
- That part of the scene again?
- No. - "No, we got it."
- Yeah, their director was like,
"I think that was a pretty good take Brian.
Pretty good take." - Oh my God.
- It ended. All is well, it ended well.
They bought me a massage. The production got me a massage.
- [Pat] Oh, that's good.
- Was it at least a 90-minute massage?
- It was a 60-minute massage.
- Those cheap pieces of shit.
- [Brian] At one of those like massage-
- Where it's really rough on your shoulder.
- [Brian] Yeah, yeah. - [Lily] Yes.
- And the same guy - And it was done by-
- Giving it, yeah. - The sumo wrestler. Ah!
- And I'm sure they covered all the years
of physical therapy you're still in.
- Oh, completely.
- (laughs) Absolutely. - Completely.
Because I mean, it was Adult Swim. They got the budget.
- Is that the craziest thing that's
ever happened to you on a set?
- Yeah, I think so.
- It sounds up there.
- All right, we'll stand up.
- Okay, here we go. (group laughs)
- Get 'em. That is points to Pat and Hayley.
- She's on the board!
- [Hayley] So does this mean I'm winning now?
I think now I officially have six points.
- Next secret.
- I'm gonna give myself seven.
- Who asked monks for intervention?
Brian gives me like spiritual vibes.
- After what I went through with that monk-
I mean, that sumo wrestler, of course.
- Yeah, that sumo wrestler. - [Lily] Yeah.
- And then we know you are into-
- [Nick] Am a warlock. - Witchcraft.
- Yeah. Right. You're a register warlock.
- Cumming and witchcraft.
- Yeah, we know that you're into alternative methods
for life, for healing, self-improvement, confrontation.
- Yeah.
- [Pat] We know it's not me
'cause I have crippling addiction issues,
so I've clearly never been the subject of an intervention.
- [Nick] Yeah, right.
- You can now-
- Me neither. - [Pat] take me off the board.
- And it could also be that you're at a Starbucks,
there's a couple of monks there.
There's somebody's being kind of a dick
up at ordering their drink and they're asking him he's like,
"Can you sort of like help out here?"
- Could also be someone who was like hiding from the mob
in a Sister-Act situation.
- [Lily] Oh. - Mm.
- That's the most plausible one yet.
- [Lily] Yeah. - So yeah, I think.
- Hayley, who do you think asked monks for intervention?
- I'm going with this guy.
- Nick, who do you think? - [Hayley] Yeah.
- I'm gonna say Pat.
- Pat, who do you think?
- I wanna go you again.
- Brian?
- This piece of work over here.
- Will the person who asked monks for intervention,
please take a sip of their drink.
(suspenseful music)
(Brian gasping)
- I 100% believe that my cat is my dog reincarnated.
My French bulldog, who was my life like with me
through like all the different iterations of my life,
through some of the hardest times, blah, blah.
Her name was Lucy. She passed away and I was devastated.
And at the time I was tinkering in Buddhism
and I would go to this Buddhist temple
and I must have been like asking a monk.
I was talking to him one-on-one and I was like,
"My dog died, I'm really having a hard time with this."
And he goes, "I'm gonna tell all the monks in our chapter."
There's multiple locations.
"We're gonna put your dog's name on"
sort of like this prayer list thing that they have.
And then they gave- - Fast track 'em. Why not?
- [Hayley] Exactly, and then they gave me-
- Nepo dog. - A prayer book.
So also for 30 days, I did this prayer
for my dog, literally religiously.
And part of the prayer is like for her
to have a high reincarnation.
And I would always specifically say,
"let me know when you're back,
let me know when you're back."
So three years go by, I was not a cat person.
- [Lily] Uh-huh.
- And then all of a sudden I have this really vivid dream
about this cat down to its coloring patterns,
its eyes, like all of this stuff and its collar.
And so, I was guest starring on this short-lived
CBS pilot show at the time called "Living Biblically."
And I went to set later that afternoon
and I'm just sitting there and watching, I look over
and like one of the crew guys had this little kitten
sitting on his belly.
And I was like, "Oh, I wanna go say hi to that cat."
So I'm saying hi to the cat and I'm like,
"God, this cat looks familiar. This is so cute."
And then the prop person
who I found out later brought the cat and came up
and I was like, "Oh."
I was like, "I love this cat so much,"
And I was like, "This is so funny.
I just had a dream last night that I adopted a cat
that looked like this but the collar was purple
and had pink flowers on it."
- And the prop lady goes and she lifts up the cat's fur
and it was purple with pink flowers.
It was the exact collar. Yes. - Ooh!
- [Nick] Whoa.
- And so then, so I'm like, "Oh my God, this is my cat.
Like this is my cat."
But because this cat is gorgeous
and because I was a guest star on this show,
it's like when you're a guest star on a show,
it's like you're-
- They don't give the cats.
- It's inappropriate to ask-
(group speaking indistinctly)
- He's not the writer.
- But it's like you're a guest
in someone else's house, right?
And so, the series regulars like wanted,
everyone wanted this cat.
So I had to be really chill about it.
I put a vibe out to the universe and I was like,
"If this is meant to be my cat, please let let this happen."
- What did you set on fire and jerk off onto?
- [Lily] Yeah. - Yes, the cat.
(group laughs)
But word got out about the dream and the series regular
who was thinking about taking her home was like,
"This was meant to be your cat."
And so, I took her home and she is the love of my life.
- What is your cat's name? - Spirit.
- [Grant] Aw. - That's cute.
- Monk. - [Hayley] Yeah.
- I can't help but notice that even if all the monks in LA
fast track your resurrection request,
it's still three years.
- It's still three years. - Damn.
What they gotta do to speed it up.
- Yeah, there's a backlog, there's a backlog.
- This is also how I know though
that cats are better than dogs.
Like, you know, you're the cat person or dog person.
Because I told my dog to have a high reincarnation
and my dog came back as a cat.
- Why was the cat at the studio at all?
- Because the prop person rescued the cat and brought it in
'cause she was like, "This poor cat needs a home."
- [Pat] That's true. - That is three points
to Hayley.
- Okay, now maybe she's leading.
- [Lily] Next secret. - [Brian] Maybe.
- Who flashed their friend's genitals on TV?
- Well, I've been on TV so much.
This is gonna be hard to even remember.
- We're all seasoned professionals here, so-
- Hey, we consider web streaming TV.
- Did Adult Swim allow-nudity?
- No, they would-
- Adult Swim was on Cartoon Network.
- [Brian] Yeah. - But just late at night.
- [Hayley] Yeah, true. Okay. - Late at night.
- You two have been on TV a lot. You've been on TV a lot.
- Yeah. - You've been on TV.
- Pat Cassels was a writer.
He has multiple Emmys, that's-
- But not in front of camera, behind camera.
- They always bring writers out.
- Maybe 'cause he kept flashing your friends' genitals.
- Yeah.
- Who's the kind of person
who would throw their friend under the bus like that?
- It might not have been throwing under the bus,
that friend might have been like,
"Please get my genitals on TV."
- It could be- - Right.
- [Lily] They were doing a favor.
- It was Californication.
They were both guest stars on that.
- Let's get our guesses in.
Who flashed their friends genitals on TV?
- Oh. - Brian, who do you think?
- I'm going back with this piece of work over here.
- Nick?
- I think it's Pat. - Pat?
- I think it's Nick. - Hayley?
- I'm gonna go with you again.
- Well, the person who flashed their friend's genitals
on TV, please take a sip of their drink.
(suspenseful music)
- Oh, there it is. - Ooh.
- Was it Brian? Was it Brian?
- No, it was not.
- [Pat] Oh wow. Shame on me.
- But it was Grant.
- [Hayley] No. - [Brian] Oh.
- [Lily] Grant has had his arms crossed.
- [Brian] Interesting. (Lily laughing)
- [Pat] I should've guessed that.
- [Brian] Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
(Lily screaming)
- Oh my God, it is 9:00 AM. (chuckles)
- To it.
- You're about to talk about his genitals, so-
- Yeah, so Grant and I lived together for seven years.
Grant- - Too long.
- I've seen Grant's dick more than I've seen
my own dick, I think.
Would show it to me all the time,
would occasionally text me a photo of it.
And not that I want a nice photo of it,
but it was never a nice photo of it.
It was always a horrifying flaccid photo of it.
(Lily laughing)
- Go on.
- I'm only looking at Grant for this entire story.
- [Nick] Yeah, yeah. (Hayley laughs)
- [Pat] And it's very interesting.
- Hey- - [Nick] Anyhow-
- Punching on Grant.
- Grant sent me a truly horrifying photo of his dick.
I still have it, I can show it to you guys if you want.
- Let's just run over there.
- Hey, pull out that treat.
- Ooh. - Ooh wow.
- He had sent it to me a week later. I'm in Chicago.
I'm at this place called, ironically, the Wiener Circle.
It's a hot dog stand where the staff insults you
while you order and that's by design
and I don't understand the business model,
but God bless 'em.
So I am ordering a hotdog.
They're calling me all sorts of horrible names
and the woman who I'm ordering from says
"you're a nasty little bitch." (Hayley gasps)
"I bet you've got a dick pic on your phone."
And I go, "No, I don't"
'cause I've never photographed my dick and I never will.
But I do realize in that moment,
oh, I do actually have a dick pic on my phone.
It's just not of my dick. And so I go, "Yeah, okay."
And so, I show her this dick pic.
She recoils
because again, it's horrifying.
(group chuckling)
Then cut to six months later, unbeknownst to me
while we were there at the Wiener Circle,
they were filming a documentary about the Wiener Circle.
And I guess there was like a sign of
"if you come and get a hot dog, you're gonna get insulted-"
- We're gonna put you in a documentary.
- "And we're gonna record you."
So what aired on E or truTV
is me (laughs) going,
"Yeah, I got a photo of a dick" and showing Grant's dick.
- No!
- To the woman and the camera and America.
- [Pat] Wow. - [Nick] I never-
- And you were totally unaware
that there's an entire camera crew there?
- Yeah, I had no idea.
- Because you were just being berated so hard.
- Well, yeah, 'cause they're insulting me. I'm just trying.
I was also, it was like 2:00 AM, I was a little drunk.
I was just trying to get a hot dog.
I didn't also know this was like the insult place.
I was like, "Oh, a hot dog stand."
So at first I was like, "What the fuck?"
- How did people hate me?
- Why are they so mean to me?
- The week before, Nick and our other roommate, Craig,
were off someplace, some city in America,
gallivanting as they do. - [Brian] Ugh.
- They sent me a picture of the two of them and they said,
"We're having fun without you."
Well, that's rude. That's a rude thing to do.
- So you took a picture of your best friend and said-
- I took a picture of my penis and testicles and said,
"We're having fun without you"
because- (Lily laughs)
- And I want to be clear, your pubes.
I think every single pube you have was in the frame.
- I'm not gonna give you the good angle.
You don't get the good angle.
You get the top down.
- [Nick] I did not get the good angle.
- I liked how you went very flaccid.
Like not even a little bit hard.
- Deflated almost. - Yeah, yeah.
- Did you not have worries that sending it,
it would come back to bite you in the form
of being exposed to the world?
- Oh, Pat. - [Grant] Pat,
the number of dick pics I send.
- Oh, Pat.
- [Grant] I have to let that worry go.
The way I found out about this photo,
we had a mutual friend of ours
who was editing this documentary, who
- Oh. - came across Nick
in a frame, took a still of it and sent it
and said, "Is this you?"
- [Nick] Yeah.
- And it's you with a big fucking grin on your face.
- Yeah. (Lily laughs)
- Showing my dick to some lady. Who did ask for it.
- And that's now the first thing on Grant's IMDB.
- Look, a credit's a credit.
What am I gonna- - [Lily] All right.
- [Grant] It's better than fucking Dropout.
- That is points to everyone except for Nick.
- Can I get something out of that? For Christ's sakes.
- [Pat] He gets that half points-
- I'll give you a point. - [Pat] For fooling around.
It's closing time.
The final scores are Nick with five points.
Incredible, that strategy worked at all.
Brian with six points.
Pat with two points.
- Oh. - Pretty good, Pat.
- [Lily] And Hayley with nine points.
(Hayley screaming)
Which means today's winner is Hayley Marie Norman!
- I'm gonna do a victory lap. Cheers.
- Grant, tell her what she won.
Lily, Hayley will be getting a Dirty Laundry apron.
- Oh, I just moved and my goal is to learn how to cook.
- Oh, it's perfect then.
- That's it for "Dirty Laundry."
I've been your host Lily Du,
who's hoping you become a regular.
Goodnight. (group cheering)
- I won. - I learned so much.
(chill music)
- We're not the only ones with wild stories.
This one comes to us from Eva who writes,
one Halloween I was sick with a fever
while my housemates went out to party.
The next morning, my roommate entered our shared bedroom
to find an unknown woman in her thirties,
spooning me while I was still dead asleep.
I woke up to my roommate saying, "What the fuck?"
The stranger woke up too.
She seemed confused, but affectionate.
Acting a bit hurt when I asked her questions like,
"Who are you and what are you doing here?"
She kept telling me, "Stop, don't be like that."
Eventually, our other housemates came in
to see the commotion.
Turns out the woman had come home with her
the previous night, gotten up to pee,
returned to the wrong bedroom,
and spooned the first lady she saw.
Then she figured I'd just been too drunk to remember.
Hey, check before you spoon.