Most of life seems pointless and absurd to me.
Yet there are moments of clarity in the chaos and noise
that seem to matter and make sense.
Death is unavoidable.
Got 'em!
Mort?
But then again,
so is life.
Front door.
It's beautiful, Mortimer.
Smile.
Yeah.
Do you think there's any way we could get them to come down?
There's no inventory. It's a seller's market.
And I know they have at least one other offer on the table.
Baby, I need this house.
I know, sweetheart. I just--
This is a little over our budget.
All right, guys, look.
I know the other offer's from a developer.
The couple selling this place
has lived here over 20 years.
They don't wanna hand their first child off
to some soulless speculator.
In fact, they told me specifically
that they wanna get a young couple or a family in here.
I just don't even think we'd get approved for a mortgage
on a place like this.
Uh, what about your LDCs?
We haven't gotten ours yet.
Seriously?
You guys, LDCs can be a huge help,
if not the deciding factor towards getting your dream home.
Uh, I mean, yes, credit is important,
but right next to that are LDCs.
Please, babe?
We talked about this already.
You might lose the house.
We just wanted to stick
with the whole natural thing.
I thought you didn't wanna know.
I don't wanna know, but if it'll help us
get the house...
I really want this house.
You know, this garden's great
for taking selfies.
The flowers really match your eyes.
Here at Valley Medical,
we have the answer.
Life Day Count.
Ninety-seven point nine percent accuracy.
Have you ever wondered how much time you have left?
Now you can prepare you and your loved ones
for your inevitable demise.
How do we do it?
It's science.
Okay, let's get started.
All of your tests have been completed to get your LDCs,
or your Life Day Count,
and to determine your death date,
what we do is we take the results of your LDC,
we add it to your test date. It's a very simple math.
You know, two plus two equals four type of...
- Yes. - Excuse me, um, Doctor.
How spot on is this testing?
Statistically speaking, it's 97.9% accurate
within a week of said date.
Now of course, this estimate is based
on your body's natural decline from age or disease, okay?
What we cannot do here is predict death
based on murder or suicide or accidents, for example.
Of course. Um, but how exactly do you figure this out?
We just do. It's science.
All right, are you ready for your results?
As ready as we'll ever be.
Mortimer.
Nicole. So, you can read your results on your own,
but I'm required to stay here and go over any questions with you, okay?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna die.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna die!
It's okay, it's okay. What does it say?
21,490!
Nicole, that's almost 60 years from now.
It just feels really close!
Everyone does react differently.
It's understandable.
What does yours say, babe?
Three hundred and forty-five.
Days?
That is not ideal.
No, it's not.
Young man, I am so sorry.
You know, though, anyone who has less than a year,
they get a free Bible, and I think I have one left.
And that was that, you know? Just like that.
I mean, even after all that mumbo jumbo
about being okay with the results no matter what,
boom, Nicole dropped me like a hot potato.
I know, I know. I...
I-I'm sure she's going through a lot too.
I can't pretend to know what it's like for her.
But it just sucks, you know?
But between you and I,
I kind of always knew that she wasn't the one.
I mean, this definitely proved it.
So maybe it was for the best.
Or maybe not, I don't know.
More importantly, what do I do now, you know?
Do I start dating again?
It's not like I have much time to build a future with someone,
even if I do find the one.
I don't know.
You know what, Mr. Addison? God, that is not your shade.
Hey, Mort!
Hey, man, your uncle's trying to see you before you jet, bro.
Okay, Sid. Yeah, I'll be right there.
All right. Hey, stop talking
to the dead people, all right? That shit ain't healthy.
Ooh!
Uh-huh.
Oh, so, she... she never had a chance to parasail in life, yeah.
Uncle Barry, you wanted to see me? - Yeah, yeah, uh--
Are you-- are you going to your mom's house for dinner tonight? Oh.
Well, we can definitely hang her from a parasail.
Oh, I am truly sorry for your loss.
This must be devastating, but we hope to help you
through this process.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Good, 'cause, uh, I've got a big date tonight,
and she's a looker.
I mean, I think.
Uh, it's hard to tell from photos online.
- Online? - Yeah, I've been doing the online dating thing.
It's amazing. I mean, it's so much cheaper than prostitutes.
Okay, well, uh, good luck on your date, and I'll, I'll see you Monday.
See you Monday. Oh!
Did you, um, say goodbye to Mrs. Harrison?
She's going on her final vacation. Remember, we did the card.
- You signed the card, right? - Yeah, I signed the card.
- Well, just say goodbye to her. - Okay, I will.
Can I ask you something?
Yes, dear.
Are you still glad that you know?
About my death date?
Mm.
I don't know if "glad" would be the word I would use.
But I'm still okay with knowing.
When my husband died, I figured, why not know?
Because when someone you love is gone,
wouldn't you wanna know how much longer it's going to be
before you get to be with them again?
I made a conscious decision to live the rest of my life
in the pursuit of what and who makes me happy.
Mortimer? I want you to promise me something.
I want you to promise me that you won't live
what time you have left in a rut, or unhappy,
because you still have time to find someone
you love...
...and enjoy life until it's over.
I promise.
Hey, Mortimer. How's life treating you nowadays?
It's good, Sid. How about you?
Good, can't complain. I could, but you know
they wouldn't listen. That's what my daddy always say.
So what you finna get into tonight, man?
You finna go to your mom's house,
get your grub on, something like that?
Yep, just another crazy night.
Oh, okay.
So how you doing, man?
What do you mean?
I mean, your Uncle Barry told me about your girl
kicking you to the curb on account of you
finding out your death date and all of that.
I'm sorry, man. That sucks, bro.
I found out my death date too when I was 18.
But I mean, you know, the grim reaper
ain't exactly looking for me for another 80 years.
But if I found out that my date was within a year,
that would suck balls, bro.
And then to have my girlfriend leave me on top of all of that?
Yeah, well, uh, that's life, I guess.
Yeah, you right about that, brother. You right about that, bro.
So, anyway, me and a couple of the boys
heading to the strip club tonight, man.
You should definitely come through.
My boy Hector's the manager. Ain't no cover with that card.
There's women everywhere, fly honeys everywhere.
We're talking about ass ubiquitously, you know what I mean?
And Hector hooks us up with free drinks
when the owner's not around.
I don't know, Sid, I-I'm not really...
I don't think strip clubs are really my thing.
Bullshit, man. Listen, unless you gay,
every man has a deep biological urgency to see
hot, butt-naked women wrapped around metal poles, bro.
That's science, bitch. I ain't making this up.
But seriously though, man, you look like you're way overdue
for some ass and titties so, you know, you should...
You know, I'm just saying.
Maybe...
Maybe I'll come one of these nights.
Okay. Okay, cool.
- Have a good one. - A'ight. Later, Mortimer.
Would anyone like more wine?
No? Okay, great.
So, um, Mortimer, how's work, honey?
Work's great, Mom.
It's good? Good.
Morty, my friend was telling me the other day that when you die,
your fingernails and your toenails
and your hair just keep growing.
Is that true? It's fucking freaky.
No, that's not true. What happens
is that the dehydration of the body after you die
causes the skin around the nails and hair to recede,
making it looks like it's continuing to grow.
No shit?
That's fucking disgusting.
- That's why I never went into the family biz, babe. - Mmm.
Honestly, I don't know how you do it, bro.
If I had to put my hands on a cold stiff every day,
I'd puke my guts out. Okay.
You know what? Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Can we change the conversation for dinner tonight,
okay, and not talk about these things, these disgusting things?
- Death's a part of life, Mom. - Oh, my God.
Mortimer, you sound just like your father.
Jesus Christ, okay? I get it, I know, it is.
Hey, Morty, remember when Dad took us to the funeral home for the first time?
Mrs. Harrison was downstairs in the showroom
taking a nap in one of the caskets,
and we thought she was dead,
and then when we walked up to the casket, she woke up,
and she just, like... screamed when she saw us.
Holy shit, right?
Morty didn't even flinch, cool as a cucumber.
Man, I think I... crapped my pants.
Why? Why are you talking about this shit?
Crappy pants, dead bodies.
You know how I feel about that place. You know how I feel!
Take it easy. - You take it easy!
You little fucking whore. Mom!
Why couldn't it be something nice,
like an ice skating rink or something?
Like an animal hospital?
Guys, it's the family business.
It's not my family business, honey.
If it weren't for your Uncle Barry,
the whole shebang would've been shut up after your dad died.
Well, you're not gonna have to hear me talk about it much longer.
Not cool, man. - Mom. I'm sorry, Mom.
Just don't!
I'm sorry, Mom.
Um, somebody's an asshole.
Morty, she's talking about you. You're the asshole.
I'm-- I'm just being honest, okay?
It's not gonna change anything, whether we talk about it or not.
I don't see what the big deal is.
Yeah, no, I'm like so aware of that.
Thank you very much. But you know how Mom is about this.
Look, I'm the one who's dying soon, okay?
Would you rather I not tell you about it?
Well...
Thank you.
Hey, hey!
I got pie.
Ooh!
- What? - Thought you had a hot date.
I did. We met at Corky's on Van Nuys.
- And? - And, uh...
we had a very pleasant conversation.
I politely drank my coffee,
ate my slice of pie, and got the hell out of there.
But good lord, she had amazing legs.
Don't you think you're being kind of judgmental?
Honey, I'm too desperate to discriminate
against anyone willing to go on a date with me.
- Where's your mother? - Why don't you ask your favorite nephew?
Did she start crying again?
Life is a very precious thing,
and when we lose the ones we love,
it can be hardest on those left behind.
Can we just leave it at work, Uncle Barry?
Why don't you do the online dating thing?
I mean, there are plenty of ripe hotties out there.
Yeah, Barry, look at all the dick you're getting.
Funny. No, I really think you should think of it.
Yeah, well, we talked about this, okay? I don't see the point.
I remember hearing about this dating service
that specializes in matching people with early death dates.
That sounds depressing.
You're gonna die soon, I'm gonna die soon.
- Let's go on a date. - She had this crazy fetish
for sleeping with guys who were gonna die soon.
A glowing review.
Hey, where you going?
I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna go to bed.
You're gonna go to bed? It's 7:30.
I'm aware of that. Good night.
Is your old roommate still single, or...?
Oh, shut up, Barry.
Look, I-I know this is very difficult for you.
- I understand, I do. - Barry, no you don't.
You don't.
That's a good point.
This is my karma for killing my husband.
Oh, no, no, not this again. Y-you didn't kill Rupert.
If I hadn't needed a Humphrey's fix that night,
fucking froyo freak, pathetic.
- Elaine... - He wouldn't have been killed.
Karma.
A drunk driver ran a red light.
That's what killed him.
It's tragic, but you had nothing to do with it.
All right?
Life is like that sometimes. It stinks.
I don't understand. I mean, he's so young. He's so young.
It's just, you know, you gotta look at it this way.
Mort was doomed ever since he came out
of your, you know, vagina.
He was doomed. We all are.
I mean, we all didn't come out of your vagina,
but, like, we're all doomed, we're mortal.
- That's just how it works. - Barry,
you know something? You're not helping at all.
You're making it worse, actually.
I'm sorry, I'm not much of a comforter
when I'm not on script,
and I'm sorry to bring up your vagina.
Then maybe get back on script, say something nice.
Maybe something sympathetic. Show some empathy, please.
Times like these, I...
I try to remember to be philosophical,
and remember that...
life is unpredictable.
As much as we may try to control the narrative,
the universe throws curveballs.
How was that?
Yeah.
Now Mort has nothing to fear,
nothing to lose.
He can do whatever he wants.
Maybe that's the silver lining in the whole thing.
Right?
Yeah.
Do you wanna get some froyo?
Um, you and me?
Yeah, yeah.
- Together? - Thanks.
Well... [mumbles] It could be like a date, right?
- No. - I mean--
- No, not at all. - So...
- Oh. - Froyo.
Is that code for, like, hookup, or--
- No. - Well, on the internet,
- it means something different. - Frozen yogurt?
On the internet, it's butt sex.
"Have you ever been engaged or married?"
Yes.
"Do you enjoy social settings?"
No.
"Do you like anal?"
Um...
Mortimer Mortenson?
- Yeah. - Hi, I'm Kate.
I'll be doing your video interview.
Oh, no, don't worry about all that.
We can just go through it in the interview, if that's cool with you.
- Sure, yeah. - Cool.
Oh, but would you like to pick out a background first?
We have, er, city lights,
autumn leaves, mountainous landscape,
some snowfall, and my personal favorite,
lasers.
Yeah, I think-- I think I'll go with the lasers.
- Good choice. - Yeah.
Okay, Mortimer,
we are just going to ask you some questions about yourself.
- Cool? - Cool.
What is your username, age, death date, and occupation?
- My username is-- - Oh, just look
right through the camera, please.
My username is MortInShermanOaks.
I'm 25.
Uh, my death day is September 21st,
and I'm a mortician.
Whoa, that's cool.
Wait, so are you around dead people?
Yeah, I'm around dead people.
- And what year? - What year what?
What year is your death date?
Oh, this year.
Like, this year this year?
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Um, I'm sorry to hear that.
Oh, it's fine. Thank you, though.
So...
How would your best friend describe you?
Right, um...
I think she would describe me as...
funny, kind, honest,
a little bit boring, maybe. Um...
I have a good relationship with my family for the most part.
I like dogs. You know.
Who is she? Your best friend?
Uh, that would be my ex-fiancee.
Mmm.
I'll tell you what, Mortimer.
Don't worry about meeting anyone.
Don't worry about saying the right thing. Just relax.
Pretend we're old friends having a cup of coffee.
Just be yourself.
- Okay, I'll try. - Okay.
Wait, so you're a mortician, huh?
That's a very unusual job.
Yeah, um, I actually prefer the term,
uh, post-mortem artist.
I see. Why is that?
Well, a few years ago, I started reading about
how in other countries, uh,
they look at funerals in a very different way.
You know, instead of the whole wake and casket thing,
they basically throw the person a party.
Uh, you know, doing something that they loved.
Like what?
Anything, really, uh...
Riding a motorcycle in the middle of the party,
uh, or sitting in their favorite chair,
leaning in the corner with a drink in their hands.
Yeah, the possibilities are endless.
And it took some convincing,
but I got my Uncle Barry on board,
and we are now officially
the only adventure funeral parlor
in Southern California.
Wait, do you have pictures?
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Definitely zooming in on this.
Wow, that is...
That's the most beautiful yet horrific thing I've ever fucking seen.
You do all of that?
Yeah, I design, build,
paint, do the makeup.
I do the embalming, of course.
You really love what you do. That's rare.
Yeah, I mean, I think it's a privilege to take care of people after they die.
I feel like I'm helping them and their loved ones.
I find it strange that people are so afraid of death,
because there's nothing to be afraid of.
The way I look at it, before you were born,
you were not alive,
and after you die, you're not alive, so...
basically, it's just going back to being not alive.
That's a very thoughtful way of looking at it.
Do you like your job?
Yeah.
No.
No, actually. I...
started doing this as a temp gig when I first moved out here,
and it's just slowly started
becoming more of a usual thing, unfortunately.
Why unfortunately?
Enough about me.
So what kind of gal are you looking for?
I'm Tilda Svensson, and I like to start
every meeting as I end it, with love.
What if someone has a death date that's coming up
soon, within the year?
Do you think you could find someone with a similar death date?
Absolutely, no worries. Of course, yes,
we do match people based on their death dates, but you, my friend,
I'm assuming it's you that's going to kick it fairly soon?
You're in the driver's seat, because there are those individuals
with extended death dates that don't want the commitment,
so they're just gonna look at somebody like you
for, like, a nice little boy toy, a little romp,
and then you'll be gone and they can move on.
Isn't that exciting?
I pride myself on my matching abilities, Mortimer,
and I can just tell right now, in this short conversation,
that I have many people who would make you
very, very, very, very, very,
very happy.
All right? And we have a money-back guarantee.
Nothing that you will be able to take advantage of, because you'll be dead,
but we can will it to whomever you want,
so there's only an upside, no downside.
Tell me you're in. Come on, I wanna hear it.
- I'm in. - Are you in, really?
- I'm in. - Are you in?
- I'm in. - Come on. Are you feeling it?
- I'm in. - Can't work with you
if I don't feel the confidence.
I don't have a very loud voice, but I'm in.
You're in.
It was really nice meeting you, Mortimer.
We'll finish compiling your files
and start working on your matches right away.
You should be hearing from us soon.
Thank you.
Um... goodbye.
So long.
Farewell.
Au revoir.
Come on, we're gonna do this. Let's...
Let's go, okay.
- Hey, there. - Thanks, but no thanks.
- I'm not interested. - Not interested?
- Here, let me buy you a drink. - Hey, I'm with someone.
Uh, who?
With him. This is my boyfriend.
Um... uh, Mortimer.
This is your boyfriend?
Yes, so you better beat it before he kicks your ass.
Your loss.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
What can I get you, doll?
The usual, and whatever he's having.
Uh, I'll have a blueberry daiquiri, please.
Okey-dokey.
Thanks, Larry.
Dammit.
Do you have a cigarette? I am all out.
Um, no, sorry. I don't smoke.
Figures.
Ah, there they are.
- Here you go, sweet cheeks. - Thank you.
I was talking to her.
Right.
Yeah. - Yeah. I got it.
If you keep staring at them, I'm gonna expect a tip.
I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to,
you know-- I'm just joking.
That's why I got them.
Do you wanna feel 'em?
Feel them?
You're-- you're kidding?
Nah, you seem like a nice guy,
and not like most of the douchebags around here,
so... go ahead.
Thanks but, uh, no thanks.
What, you don't like them?
That's... that's not it.
Are you gay?
I don't think so.
Ah, okay, okay. You're taken, I get it.
No, I... I'm actually not, so...
Jesus, you trying to give me a complex here?
No, uh, sorry.
I-I'm just in a weird headspace, and...
But you know, if, if--
if it would make you feel better, I...
I could.
Yeah?
Okay.
- Okay, just... - Yeah.
Feel better?
I do, actually.
They're magic.
I agree.
Do you wanna do it again?
Why not? I guess, you know.
Brother! What do you think you're doing?
- What kind of place you think this is? - I didn't--
She... [stammers] She...
- Um... - I'm just pulling your leg, man. Carry on.
You're such a fucking comedian, Larry.
I am, Rita. Thank you.
Hey, do you wanna get out of here?
Sure, yeah.
Okay, come on.
Sorry, I'm just a little... That was scary.
I'm really kind of...
- Mm. - Heart's beating.
- Larry wouldn't hurt a fly. - Okay.
Find anything interesting?
Um... Holy shit.
Do you like my outfit?
Yeah, um...
Yeah, yeah. I... I do.
Good. This is going to be fun.
Okay.
So are you paying me with cash or credit?
Come again?
Are you paying me with cash or credit?
Oh.
Oh, okay. I-- At the bar, all that stuff, I just...
I just thought you kind of liked me.
Oh, Mortimer, you're very likable,
but I'm a working girl.
Oh, hon. You really didn't know, did you?
This has never happened to me before, um,
because most guys usually pick up on it
when I let them cop a feel.
No, yeah, uh, I'm just an idiot.
Uh, so, it was really nice meeting you.
Wait. I'm not supposed to do this.
You can't take it with you anyway, so how about a freebie?
Freebie? Um...
I've just, uh, never had sex with a prostitute before.
- Professional escort. - Sorry. I--
I've never had sex with a professional escort before.
When I said freebie, I meant a blow job.
My hesitation has nothing to do with you. Um...
Okay. I...
Yeah, let's... let's do that.
Okay, then.
Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.
Let's lose the jacket.
Wow, you really are very professional.
Wow, that's cold!
Mmm. What's in here?
Rita?
Are... are you okay?
Oh, God, oh God.
Oh, oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!
Oh, shit.
You got your LDC done.
Today's the day.
Why didn't you say anything?
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit!
Who the fuck are you?
- Mortimer. - What you doing up in Rita's crib, Mortimer?
She, uh, she invited me up here.
I know, I'm just fucking with you.
How was it? She do you right?
Yeah, um, I just-- I do have to go, though.
- I'm in kind of a hurry. - Just hold up.
Let me just check with Rita, make sure it's copacetic.
- What's taking so long, boo? - Baby, I told you to wait in the car.
I'm not waiting in no car in this sketchy-ass hood.
Can you just let me handle my fucking business?
Let me handle my business.
Rita!
Rita.
She pass out on you?
Is she okay?
Rita, stop meditating. Hey, wake up.
Wake up!
Hey, Rita...
Oh, shit.
- Shit? Shit what? - You're a dead, man!
- Is she dead? - You just let him leave?
You said you was handling business! I didn't wanna interfere!
Go get the shotgun from the bedroom!
Fuck!
You shitbag killed my bottom bitch! Shitbag!
No, no, no, no, no! I, I-- I didn't do anything to her!
She-she wanted to give me a blow job, and then she died,
and I-I checked her ID, it was her death day.
Look, I would never hurt anyone. Just-just check her ID.
You should check her ID.
You know, you right about that death date.
That crazy bitch was on her last legs.
We should get her body, put it in the trunk of your car, and go dump it.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Get the-- Get up. Get up.
So are we... are we good here?
No, no. You still owe me for Rita's services.
But... but she said it was a freebie.
This ain't Trader Joe's, bitch. I ain't handing out free pussy samples
to dudes off the street. I'm running a professional escort service.
You get a hummer, you pay. You owe me 500 bucks.
- Five hundred dollars for a blow job? - Yeah.
Sir, I... I can't afford that. No, I'm sorry.
I mean, I'm not trying to be difficult, but I don't have that money.
- Give me your keys. - What? No, no!
Come on, give me your fucking keys, you little fuck!
Now I got 'em. Now your car's collateral
till you pay me what you fucking owe me.
What? You can't do that!
I just did, fucker.
Do you know how hard it is to run in heels?
- Fuck, take the shotty. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you--
Shit!
Oops.
Here, sweetie, you forgot your jacket.
Hold on, let me see here.
Oh, look at this.
That's a nice photo of you. Look.
Mortimer Mortenson, Sherman Oaks.
You better have my money. Can we go already?
911, what's your emergency?
Hi, I was just attacked by a pimp who stole my car.
Are you injured? Do you need any medical services?
No, I just really want my car back.
You said your attacker was a pimp?
Yeah, yeah, he runs a professional escort service.
They were less than professional.
Uh, it's kind of complicated, but the escort,
you know, uh, died of natural causes.
It was her death date. And then he showed up.
He demanded money that I didn't have, and he got pissed off.
Sir, you are aware that soliciting a prostitute is a crime, right?
You know what? Um, never mind, actually.
Thank you so much for your time. Have a-- have a nice evening.
I don't know how I let you sucker me into this, man.
I'm a driver. I don't do this.
I know, I know. Just one more second.
Just need to...
- Okay. It's good. Yeah, she's secure. - Let go?
- All right. I can let go? - Yeah.
Okay.
You know what we should do?
We should tie some strings to her, right,
and then we should just, like, reenact that video.
You know what I mean? When they were like...
- You know what I mean? - We're not allowed to do that.
Why not? She ain't gonna tell nobody, look at her.
Thank you, Sid. I appreciate it a lot.
Yeah, yeah.
Got a black man hanging a white woman.
Boy, how the times have changed.
Actually feels kind of good, I ain't gonna lie.
I feel good, deep in my ancestrial spirit.
I feel like a thousand slaves are just patting me on the back right now,
you know what I'm saying?
Whew!
All right, so, gotcha, man.
- Thank you. - No doubt.
- Hey. - What up, Barry?
Mort.
Oh, wow.
You...
You are an artist.
Thank you.
I really believe Mr. Telemacher
is gonna love seeing her off like this.
Wow.
She's sexy, right?
Maybe that's just me.
Hey, let me ask you. Um...
I've been talking to this new woman online,
and it turns out
she has a sister who's also single.
And?
And, maybe we could do some double dating.
I don't know.
What-what is she, like, 60?
She's not 60.
Well, she is the older sister.
I really wish you'd get back out there, Mort.
I am, actually.
I just joined this dating service
that matches you with people based on death dates.
I mean, I'm a little nervous, but, uh, who knows?
That is awesome.
You're-- you're getting back in the saddle.
That's so great.
After the way Nicole humiliated you
and started sleeping with that really good-looking guy,
I mean... I mean, believe me, she was beautiful and, like,
her body is really, really hot, you know what I mean?
And, you know, I remember when I would see her at dinner,
I'd be like, "Oh my God, I'd love to do her."
But, you know, I wouldn't, because of you.
Unless you were into it. Like, you could've watched. You know what I mean?
Some people are into that. Weirdos.
Anyway, but now,
you're going back out there, and you're...
I'm proud of you.
Anyway, I'm proud of you.
- Hello? - Mortimer?
Hi, this is he.
Hi, it's Tilda Svensson
from Till Death Do Us Part.
Oh, hi.
I've got some exciting news.
Based on your video, we've already gotten
several requests for matches.
Really?
That's amazing, I mean, that was so fast.
Well, we are a professional dating service, Mortimer.
Check your email inbox for all the details
- regarding each match. - Okay, uh, thank you.
Congratulations, Mortimer. I'm so happy for you.
Happy dating! And remember,
till death do you part!
All right, love you-- Um, yeah, uh, thank you, bye.
Yes. - Please don't hurt me!
Yo, relax, relax. Just wanna talk.
You surprised to see me? You didn't think
I'd track you down? I told you I would.
Is that where you work back there? What d'you do?
Prepare bodies for final viewing.
So you, like, prepare bodies for final viewing at, like, a funeral?
You put makeup on dead people.
That's a perfect job for a freak like you.
You ever get any cute dead girls up in there?
I don't know.
You ever think about fucking one of them
hot dead girls?
- No, that's disgusting! - I'm just playing.
Come on, hold up.
Yeah, I'm playing. But I do know some guys who'd be into that shit.
Could make a little money on the side, if you want.
So where's my money, man? You got it?
I get paid today, okay? So after work, I'll give you the $500,
you give me the car back, and we can move on with our lives.
Five hundred dollars? It's $1,000, motherfucker.
No, you said it was 500 for Rita's services.
Yeah, but that was if you would've paid me then. But now it's 1,000.
This is turning into the most expensive blow job in human history.
And look, I don't have that, okay?
- I have to pay my rent! - You think I'm fucking stupid?
I've seen you, fucking Mortenson Funeral Home.
That's your name. I know you're rolling in dough.
No, it's my family's business, okay? I just work there.
Well, maybe I should go talk to your family, tell them
- you're trying to slip out paying... - No!
...for your professional blow job, Morty.
Okay, I'll give you $1,000. Just please don't involve my family in this.
Can we go already? I'm bored as fuck. - Morty, I like you though, man.
Shut the fuck up for two minutes, bitch!
Who the fuck are you calling a bitch?
I warned you about calling me that.
I'm gonna call Big Rey, and he's gonna beat your ass.
Hey, baby. Come on, man, you know what I mean by that.
You know I don't mean it like that, baby.
I'll come by your house later. You better have it.
Mortimer?
Nicole.
Wow, what a crazy coincidence, running into you here.
Not really. I mean, we used to shop here all the time on Saturdays.
It's a been a while. Like, how long has it been?
A month.
Um, this is Nathaniel, my fiance. This is Mortimer.
Fiance.
Well, we met right after you and I broke up.
It was kind of love at first sight.
- It's been a real whirlwind. - Yes, it has.
Bro, Mortimer, so glad to finally meet you.
I'm so sorry about your whole death day news.
Oh, my God, yeah. How are you doing?
Are you in pain?
Um, no, no, no. I'm good, I feel fine.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling fine. I feel fine.
Good. How are you feeling?
Like a stallion.
Hey, babe, I'm gonna go grab the tabouli.
I'll meet you at the checkout, okay?
Mortimer, I'm just glad we had a chance
to finally meet before...
You know.
Be well, my friend. Godspeed.
Don't forget, LDC can make great party events.
Well, he seems, uh...
Wow, engaged again already.
Actually, we met here in the Valley at a dating service
called Till Death Do Us Part.
So Nathaniel and I have a death day
that's like two weeks apart from each other.
Um...
How are you doing? Have you met anyone?
- Met anyone? - You know, despite what you might think,
I want you to be happy, Mortimer.
I am happy, and, uh, and, yeah, I met someone. Rita.
Rita?
What does Rita do?
She was in the service industry.
Was?
She's taking some time off.
She has a master's in poetry.
Um, she's really big on words, so...
Um, I'm happy that you met someone that likes words.
I'm really happy that you met Mr. Tabouli Stallion.
Well, I should go.
It really was good to see you.
I'm glad you're doing okay.
Dying soon?
Don't forget the chips and dip.
Visit our funeral specials in aisle seven,
and check out these savings before your LDC runs out.
Three matches.
Hmm.
She seems nice.
Who is it?
Guess who.
I want my 5,000 bucks.
Open the door.
Five thousand? You said it was 1,000 for--
Yeah, that was this morning, then you made me wait till tonight.
You wasted a lot of my time, Morty boy.
I want my money. Open up.
I-I don't have it.
You're-you're just trying to take advantage of me.
I know you got paid today.
Open the fucking door.
You see this?
Don't make me use it.
Go on, then. I don't even care.
I-I've got a death date that's due in less than a year,
so I'm gonna die anyway.
Fuck! Fuck!
Motherfucker! Fuck! Fuck!
I got your car, you idiot!
Keep it.
I'm not gonna need it anyway
and, you know,
I've actually learned that I enjoy riding a bike
instead of sitting in LA traffic.
You stupid dumbass!
I'm gonna make you wish you were dead!
Fuck you!
Yo.
You got our money?
Yeah, got our money, bitch?
I didn't get it 'cause he wouldn't open the door.
Oh.
Oh, you don't gotta get up.
Rey, please, don't-don't stand up.
He wouldn't open the door?
Then why didn't you just break it in, then?
Yeah, I tried, I tried, but he had a club on it.
- Looks like he had the club. - What the fuck was this for, then, huh?
I was gonna, uh, well, uh...
- Mm, no... - Shut the fuck up!
The time to pay up is running out.
Ticktock, motherfucker! Ticktock.
I tried to warn you.
Tick tock, boo.
Let's go.
All right.
Drive safe, drive safe.
Yeah, it's crazy out there, Rey.
Heard this place
has the best gnocchi in the Valley.
- Gnocchi? - You look lovely.
- Aw, thank you. - Guh-notchy?
Love the suit. You know what they say.
Black is the new black.
Do you come here often?
No, I-I never have, actually.
But I saw on your profile that you like food.
You're really trying to impress me, aren't you?
I think we need some drinks.
- I like drinks. - Me too.
My death date is coming up.
- I'm so sorry. - Don't be.
I hate it when people act sorry for me.
- I don't even know you. - Okay.
- I'm cold. - Here.
Organic cotton? I have to go to the bathroom.
We just gotta keep our chins up
and try to make the most of the time we have left.
That's just asinine.
There is no God, no heaven,
- no justice. - You guys ready to order?
Eating is just an elaborate farce to prolong the inevitable.
I prefer to let my body waste away to dust.
Yeah, I'll have the vegan burger.
- Do you dance salsa? - Me?
Uh... no.
- Why not? - It seems complicated.
It's easy. It's just like sex.
It's all about moving your hips.
I'm not terrible at the whole hip-moving thing.
I bet not.
Well, that was, um...
interesting.
You hate me.
This date has been
a total fucking disaster.
I guess this is where we say good night.
Good night.
Aren't you gonna give me a good night kiss?
Your continued refusal to face reality
irritates me to the bone.
Uh...
Yeah, sure.
Well, on that pleasant note...
I hope you have a pleasant evening.
- Is that okay to say? - Fuck off.
Excuse me. Uh, have you seen the woman that I came in here with?
The one with the cool jacket? I think she left.
You know, if you're not doing anything on Saturday night,
maybe we could go see a movie at Hollywood Forever.
I'd love to, but, Mortimer,
can I be totally honest with you?
I'm not really into commitment right now.
You kind of just left the restaurant
without saying anything. Is everything all right?
Yeah, no, um, I'm good, I was just really tired,
so... I bounced.
That's why I only date guys with early death dates.
You know, there's just less strings attached.
You left with my jacket and my wallet's in the pocket,
so I'm gonna need to get those back.
Are you saying that I stole your jacket and wallet?
No, no, I'm not saying that. I just want my stuff back.
Oh, huh.
Oh, don't be down on yourself. You were wonderful.
I had such a great time.
Let's just start over, okay?
You can keep the jacket. I just need the wallet.
First, you try to give me your jacket to, like, make me like you,
and then you accuse me of stealing it,
and now you're asking me to meet you in the middle of the night?
What am I, a lady of the night?
Just, please. Hello?
Hello?
Open up, you crooks! I know you're in there!
Mortimer?
Hey.
- What are you doing here? - Where's Tilda?
I need to speak to someone in charge immediately.
No one's around. We're closed on the weekends.
I just came by to grab my check. What's up?
What's up is that on this professional date,
my date took my wallet and refuses to give it back to me.
Oh, my God, that's really fucked up.
I can't say I'm surprised.
Oh, oh, does this happen a lot with you people?
- I, like-- - I'm sorry, okay? Really, I am.
You seem like a sweet, gentle human being,
and you have every right to be pissed off.
- You're darn right I do. - And for the record,
I just shoot videos for these dipwads.
I don't screen their clientele.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I, uh... I'm just having a rough morning.
I've had a lot of those lately, so...
It's gonna be okay, I promise.
Hey, I have a brilliant idea.
Why don't you let me take you to breakfast?
- You don't have to do that. - No, I insist.
It's the least I could do after all the bullshit
we put you through.
Okay.
Great.
I like your ride.
It's a little on the she/her side, though.
Yeah, no, that's because it's my ex's.
My car was stolen by this crazy pimp named Simon
who thinks that I accepted a freebie blow job
from one of his professional escorts.
- Did you? - Did I what?
Receive a freebie blow job from a professional escort?
Oh, no, no, it was just a-- just a misunderstanding.
You've been through a lot.
Biking's great, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
Yeah, just drop it in through the mail slot,
and then we won't have to involve the authorities.
Yeah, okay, great. Thank you so much.
Okay, psycho girl is going to drop your wallet
in the next few hours.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate you helping me out.
No worries.
This burrito is incredible.
I know, right?
Once you go food truck, you never go back.
Are you from LA?
No, upstate New York.
I came out here to be a great director, or great actor.
Or something, I don't know. Something really great.
That must be depressing.
Filming losers like me instead of pursuing your dreams.
Maybe this is my dream. I just haven't realized it yet.
And you're not a loser, Mortimer. Okay?
You're just going through a rough time.
There's no shame in that.
- Can I ask you something? - Mm-hmm.
Do you have any things you'd like to do
on your bucket list before your death date hits?
I guess there's one thing that's pretty random.
I don't know, you may laugh.
I promise. I promise I won't laugh.
Unless it's, like, running buck naked
through the LA Marathon or something.
Okay, I've never told anyone this,
but, uh, I want to climb Mount Fuji.
Really?
Why? Why Mount Fuji?
That's the thing. There's no real reason.
I just, uh, I mean, it looks beautiful and serene
and, uh, you know, I've read that you can have
a spiritual experience if you climb to the top.
I'm not religious but, uh, it just seems like a fun adventure.
- You should do it. - It's too far.
Oh, well, there's this new thing.
It's called an airplane.
Yeah, it can take you to Japan in 12, 13 hours.
Yeah, I've heard of these...
These airplanes, um...
Here you go. Make sure everything's in there first.
Yep, it's all here.
Good.
Hey, thanks again for breakfast.
No problem.
So anyway, I'm gonna go, but...
I'd love to hang out with you again.
I'd love to hang out with you too.
Great.
Goodbye.
So long.
Farewell.
Au revoir.
Hello? Nicole?
Hi.
I just wanted to see what you've been doing.
How was your day?
I'm doing fine.
Really?
Absolutely.
You still hanging out with that Rita chick?
How are you guys doing?
Uh...
No, we broke up, actually.
Oh, I'm devastated for you, babe.
Shit happens.
How are things with Mr. Tabouli Stallion?
He's such a sweetheart,
but I was wondering if...
...if you're doing anything later today.
Uh, no, not really.
Can you come over?
There's something I wanted to talk to you about.
Hi, sailor.
Hi.
How's the old gal treating you?
Oh, uh, the bike.
Pretty good, I've been riding it all over for the past couple weeks.
Good for you. You look fantastic.
Thank you.
Come in. I'm by the pool.
Have a seat.
Do you want some wine?
Um, sure.
Cheers.
So, what did you wanna talk about?
I have a confession.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
I miss you.
You know, your timing sucks.
I know, and I'm sorry.
I abandoned you.
But I was scared when we found out your death date,
and it's only because I'm so terrified
of going through losing you,
because I love you.
What about Nathaniel?
I mean, he's... he's amazing,
but, you know, I had a dream about us last night.
- I came in my sleep. - Nicole...
Don't you miss me? I love you.
Honey, I'm home.
We're out here.
Hey, babe. Mort! Buddy, how the hell are you?
I... am good.
Good.
We're just catching up.
Is that so?
You know, I... I actually--
- I have to go, so... - No, no, no, no.
Don't be silly. You--
I'll be right back. Where do you have to go?
Stay, enjoy.
Yep. Yep, I do, I have to go, it's--
Have a seat, Mortimer.
Relax.
You look really tense.
Tense? No, I'm not...
Not tense. I'm, uh, loose, if anything.
W-what are you-- what are you doing?
I'm just trying to take away that mountain of stress
that's been crushing you.
Poor guy, you're so wound up.
Relax.
Just go with it, okay?
Can I ask you a personal question?
Why not? Why not?
When you and Nicole were dating,
did you guys ever try pegging?
Pegging? What is that, like, cribbage?
Wait, oh, my God, you don't know what pegging is?
Oh. Mortimer, pegging's when a girl puts on a dildo
and bangs the shit out of a guy.
It's really something. Just--
Nicole, she... she's a fucking natural.
Really knows how to hit my G-spot.
Goddamn!
I'm gonna get into some deep body work and open up those chakras.
I... I gotta go.
Are you boys playing nice?
Hello?
Hello, Mortimer. It's Kate.
Kate, hi.
Are you free tomorrow?
Yes. Um...
I think so. Let me see.
Yes, I happen to be free tomorrow.
Great. I was...
thinking that I could get you out of the Valley.
Could do a little exploring. How does that sound?
That sounds wonderful.
Awesome.
I'll see you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.
Life is a very precious thing.
And when we lose the ones we love,
it can be hardest on those left behind.
I guess in times like these, I try and be philosophical
and remember that...
life is unpredictable.
As much as we try and control the narrative,
that universe keeps throwing us curveballs.
We might as well just treat it like a roller coaster.
Buckle up and see where the ride takes us.
She looks good.
Very good.
Coming.
- Hello there. Oh, hi. - I'm looking for Mort the pervert.
- What? - Is he here?
No, sorry. Get out of my--
Shh.
I'm not gonna hurt you. Or maybe I am, I don't know.
But this ain't about you. It's about your lame-ass man friend, Mortimer.
You know he received an unauthorized blow job
from one of my professional escorts, and now he's trying to screw me?
And that girl is gone. She is gone.
She's gone to heaven.
Now, I want you to tell Mort the next time you see him,
would you give him a message for me?
Yeah.
You tell him Simon says he better have my money in full
by midnight tomorrow, or my next visit
ain't gonna be so fucking pleasant.
You hear me, sweetheart? Okay?
- Yeah, yeah. - You got it? Okay.
I like this. You're really talented.
Have a nice day.
Hello? Kate?
Oh, God. Are you all right?
A guy named Simon came by. He said to give you a message.
You have until tomorrow night to pay him,
or he's going to hurt me.
Son of a bitch.
He strangled me.
I'm so sorry, Kate.
I had no idea that he would do this.
He said you owed him for an unauthorized blow job?
That was true? Wait, you were serious?
I just thought you had, like, a really fucked up sense of humor.
No. I mean, not really.
Kind of.
I met this woman at a bar,
and she invited me back to her place for a drink.
And turns out, it was her death day, that same day.
This pimp, this shakedown artist arrives,
and he tells me that I owe him all this money
for an unauthorized blow job that I did not receive.
And so he took my car as collateral,
and I've just been basically avoiding him since then.
No, you need to call the police, Mortimer.
- No, no, no, I can't. - Mort, he's crazy!
He just attacked me! He stole your car.
- I know, I know. - Okay, then call the cops.
And then what? He gets out on bail
and he comes after you again, or my family?
I just have to pay him. I need to finish this once and for all.
You don't need to do that.
Yeah, I do.
You must think I'm the biggest scumbag in the world right now.
No, I... I don't.
All right, let's see what we have here.
Mrs. Harrison.
What's the matter, Mortimer?
You knew you were gonna see me here sooner
rather than later.
Yeah, but it's still a shock.
Hm, that's life, Mortimer.
So what's the matter?
That crazy pimp still getting you down?
Yeah, I have to go after work to pay him off
so that he'll leave me and my...
My friend Kate alone.
I'm just so pissed right now.
Well, if you want my advice,
I would run off with that nice girl and do something fun,
like climb Mount Fuji.
I wish I could, but I have to deal with this first.
My life has just been so crazy recently.
I mean, between the pimp situation,
and I finally meet a girl that I really like.
It's called living, Mortimer.
Well, not for long. My death date's coming up.
But how do you feel now?
I don't know. Angry, afraid,
happy, excited, all at the same time.
I've just been so emotional recently.
Like you've actually started living?
Yeah.
Well, let's get you ready.
Today's a big day. There's a lot of people coming to see you.
Goodbye, Mrs. Harrison.
Oh, look who it is. Walking dead man.
Don't you ever disobey me again, you hear me?
You got my money?
Show me.
How much is in there?
Six grand, way more than you asked for,
'cause I knew you were gonna ask for more anyway.
So there you go. It's yours, have it, okay?
We're good here. Just leave us alone.
- One more thing. - Enough with this shit.
No, you're fucking done when I say you're done.
And Simon says you're gonna pay me a thousand dollars
every week from now on.
Yeah? Well, Mortimer says
go fuck yourself.
You--
You fucking...
Yeah, motherfucker!
Fuck! Fuck!
I think I'll go over to your little girlfriend's house, huh?
Give her what she really want.
You hear me, asshole?
What you think about that?
Fuck! Now you're really starting to piss me off.
Morty. Hey, Mort!
Make me look good!
Oh, my God. Come here.
You hurt?
A little, yeah.
Come on.
Yeah, no, it's fine, Mom.
I'm just gonna be gone for-for two weeks.
I'm sure Uncle Barry will be fine without me.
Okay, yeah, no, I'll...
I'll be careful on the ascent.
Yeah, no, I-- I love you too.
Okay, bye.
Got you something.
- Got me something? - Yeah.
What is this?
Just a little something to help you pass the time
on the long flight to Tokyo.
- A box? - Mmm.
Not just any box, my friend.
This is a Japanese puzzle box.
There's a secret inside, but you can only get to it
by doing a series of complex moves.
They say it takes hours to solve.
Thank you so much. This is great.
What's wrong?
Just wish I met you sooner.
It's better late than never, right?
Yeah.
- How are we doing on time? - We're good.
We have everything? We have passports,
the cash, hotel info?
Relax. Everything's all taken care of.
The tickets! We forgot the tickets!
They're in your bag.
Shit.
Got 'em!
Mort?
Just hold on, okay?
Just stay still, okay? Stay still.
We were so close.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
Okay, don't try to talk. Just...
Help is on the way.
Thank you for everything.
This has been the best time of my life.
Me too, Mort. Me too.
Please, please just hang on. Hang on.
We're going to climb Mount Fuji, remember?
Kate, goodbye.
No!
Goodbye.
So long.
Farewell.
Au revoir.
If you could do it over,
would you still wanna know your LDC?
Yeah, of course.
Why?
Well, knowing isn't easy.
I lost someone I cared about, and now I'm here.
It set me on a different path than the one I was on,
for better or worse,
and it forces me to think about not just my life,
but the meaning of life in general.
Guess I'm around death so much, I kind of forgot about living.
After finding out my death day,
every day seems to matter more.
Every encounter seems more important.
I've only just begun to realize how important it is to be loved
and to love others.
Not just the romantic kind of love, but all love.
I've started to notice that people come into your life
for a reason.
They touch you in some way. You touch them back.
It's strange, but...
it seems like everyone's connected in some way,
like a tapestry of personalities.
Death is unavoidable.
But then again, so is life.
Hey, my name's, uh, Barnabas Mortenson.
Uh, my friends know me as Barry. Uh, Hairy Barry.
I mean, I don't have a lot of hair but, like,
that was just a nickname in high school.
And I'm a freewheeling guy. I have my own business here in Sherman Oaks,
and I enjoy popcorn and margaritas.
So long.
Farewell.
Au revoir.