- [Sam] Tonight, doing a terrible job
at being in the Witness Protection Program,
it's Ross Bryant!
- Hello! The name's Ross Bryant.
Hello. - Hi, how are you?
- 820 (beep) Avenue. I'm a state's witness!
- [Sam] Secretly looking for an escaped tarantula
it's Paul F. Tompkins!
- Hey, hey. (laughs nervously) - [Sam] Hey, Paul.
- Hey. (Sam giggling)
Hey...
- [Sam] And charmingly pickpocketing the host,
it's Chris Grace!
- Hello, guys. So glad to...
Oh my gosh, Sam, it's been so long now.
- Chris, what an honor.
- You clearly came back from Panama.
- I... - And let's make sure
you got your passport.
- Uh-huh. - Is this your phone?
- How did you do it?
They're all here to...
- [Cast] Make Some Noise!
(exuberant upbeat music)
(exuberant upbeat music continues)
- Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"
the game so good we spun it off unchanged.
I am your host, Sam Reich. Here's how the show works.
I have here a series of improvisational prompts
our players have never seen before,
isn't that right, players?
- That is correct.
We have not. - That's correct.
- How did I get here?
- Just a blank slate going on, Paul.
- They took a bag off my head two seconds ago.
- They will, to the best of their ability,
fulfill those prompts.
I will award them corresponding points,
and the winner will take home the coveted Golden Ear.
(Paul gasps breathily) - Hmm.
- Which does listen to your conversations
but only so that it can serve you better ads.
- Hm. - [Sam] Players,
are you ready to rumble? - Yes.
- Uh-huh. - Yep.
- We are gonna start with a minigame.
(Paul giggles delightedly) - Ooh.
- Players, could you place your buzzers
atop your podiums, please?
- Is this what you mean?
- That is exactly what I mean.
- Is that? Oh. - I think that's...
- Players, we're going to play a little game
called Name That Sword.
Simple rules. I'm gonna show you a sword.
You buzz in and pitch me the name
of said sword, à la Excalibur.
Make sense? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
- My knight in shining armor, Paul,
would you please bring in sword number one.
- [Paul] Oh gosh. - Whoa!
(whimsical fantasy music) (Sam laughing)
(buzzer rings) - Ross.
- Glutenaxe, the Child Slayer. (players giggling)
(buzzer rings) - Chris.
- Dickie Floss. - Dickie Floss is good!
(buzzer dings) - [Sam] Paul.
- Raccoon's Bane: If You've Seen That One Video.
(cast laughing)
- The "If You've Seen That One Video" added to the end.
- Yeah, that's part of the name.
- I think this particular point is gonna go to Ross.
- Oh, gosh.
- Do you wanna taste it?
- How long ago was this cotton spun?
- Like 15 minutes, maybe?
- [Paul] Oh, "Princess and the Pea" over here.
- That's going right in someone's wank bank.
- Oh god. (players laughing)
- Paul, can I please have sword number two?
(goofy fantasy music)
(buzzer rings) Paul.
- Stitch One, Stab Three.
- Yes! It does all of the above.
(buzzer rings) Ross.
- Yarnio, the Herald of Loomsday.
(Sam and crew laughing)
(buzzer rings) - Chris.
- From here that looks like Corn:
If You've Seen That One Video. (cast laughing)
- I think for the callback, I'm gonna go with you, Chris.
- Yeah. - I walked so you could run.
(Chris laughing) - Paul, whenever you're ready,
could I please have sword number three?
(epic fantasy music)
(buzzer rings) Paul.
- Crayolanator.
- Yes!
(buzzer rings) Chris.
- Flesh Color Bane. (Paul laughing)
- Yes! Works on multiple levels.
(buzzer rings) Ross.
- Crayon: The Weapon of the Kinderguard.
(cast laughing)
- That's gonna be another point on the board for Ross.
It was close.
- Do you wanna taste it? - Yeah.
(cast laughing)
Rest assured, even if they don't show it,
I tasted every sword.
- We cut it out 'cause it got weird.
- Uh-huh. - Paul.
- By the way, I keep thinking that Paul
is going to bring out the sword.
- I keep thinking that too, Chris!
I look over at the door. I think I'm gonna come through it.
(buzzer rings) - Paul.
- Wighammer! (Ross laughing)
- I like it a lot, Paul.
(buzzer rings) A hesitant buzz in from Ross.
- Braidlion: The Last Weapon of the Weave Mage.
- I like how each one of yours has a sort of a epitaph.
- It's called worldbuilding. (players laughing)
- Yeah. Chris. (buzzer rings)
- Miley Stylus. (Ross laughs)
- Really good, Chris. Really good.
I am gonna say I think this one goes to Paul.
- Yes!
- Thank you very much, other Paul.
- Thank you.
- Could I have sword number five, please?
(players chuckling) (lively guitar music)
- Now this one, I'm gonna taste.
(buzzer rings) - Chris.
- Sharp-cuterie.
- You son of a bitch! (Sam cackling)
- I feel like we were all going for the same thing.
- It's like, sometimes it's about speed.
- [Paul] I know. Now I'm out.
(buzzer rings) - Paul.
- I guess I gotta just say Cheese Sword.
(cast laughing)
It's a cheese board sorta cheese sword.
- Yeah, it is! - I'm very literal!
- [Sam] Yes!
(buzzer rings) Ross.
- The dwarves forged it in the Cheese Caves of Switzerland.
It pairs well with a sweet red.
None of this is the name. (cast laughing)
This is only the footnote at the bottom of the fantasy page.
Charcutter: The Lost Blade of the Brie Wraith.
- I do think this is gonna go to Chris.
- Yeah. - Can I pitch one, Sam?
- Yeah. - Sword'oeuvre.
- Get the fuck out! - Go away!
- Who the fuck are you? - I'm other Paul.
- Do you have a fucking buzzer?
- I'll sneak you a point later.
- The cheese knives are out. - [Ross] Yeah.
- Paul, could I please have sword number six, please?
- What is this, the sword show?
- Yeah. - Oh, it is?
- Yeah. - Oh, my mistake.
I do apologize.
- We're doing this for two hours.
- [Chris] Make Some Swords.
(buzzer rings) - Paul.
- Jortstar! - Yes.
- Very good.
(buzzer rings) Ross.
- Death-KNY.
- Ooh! (claps) - Oh.
I think that may have to go to you as well, Ross.
- Is this world, there are long swords
and there are jort swords.
- Oh man, that's actually really good.
- [Paul Robalino] Sam, can I pitch one?
- Yes. - Tommy Hiltfiger?
- Come on! - That's good.
- Now, he had time. He knew what these were in advance.
- Your headset- - Hey, that's true!
- And that's a minigame! (bright cheerful music)
That brings us to round one?
- My god.
- Ross. - Yes, sir.
- A rap battle's bars are actually good feedback
you should take to heart.
- Would you like a bad beatbox?
- That's okay, that's okay.
- Would you like a good beatbox?
(Chris laughing) - Oh, oh shit!
- This dude stepped in the arena. He really oughta walk.
And I really think you need to work
on all that negative self-talk!
- Oh shit!
- This battle's over 'fore it started.
It really reached its end.
When you say something about yourself,
would you say that to your friend?
- Oh shit! (cast and crew laughing)
- Tell him.
- Hold it down, hold it down. Hold it down.
Oh, your first verse was so gnarly
it don't even deserve retort.
You forget you got a whole network around you
that's eager to support!
There's not a single fucking screen
that you should ever thus be seen on,
but you gotta a million friends
that are begging you to lean on.
(buzzer buzzes)
- I will cut you off there, Ross.
I like to imagine that this person rapped negatively
about themselves and then you're coming in
and propping them back up again.
- Yeah, yeah. - It's a bold innovation
in rap battling. - Yeah, yeah.
- [Sam] For sure.
I'm telling you this because I'm your friend
amount of points for you, Ross.
Paul F. - Huh? That's me.
- Willy Wonka's lawyer's opening statement.
- (folksy accent) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
(cast laughing) - (laughs) Oh god!
- I'm just a simple lawyer from Oompa-Loompaland.
Got my law degree in a gumball machine.
- That's not good. - But isn't it...
Oh, Your Honor, will you silence this jury?
(Sam laughing) Silence the gallery.
Now, I put it to you.
If you tell a little German boy again and again and again
not to go near the edge of the chocolate river
and he goes to drink from it, who is at fault here?
If you tell someone the gum is experimental,
(Sam laughing)
it is in beta testing, and a child pops it in its mouth
and turns into a big ball, who is to blame?
I put it to you.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
it is the children who are monsters.
The very people he longed to save.
(cast laughing)
(buzzer buzzes)
- And I will cut you off there, Paul.
- Hell yeah. - [Sam] This Oompa-Loompa
is from North Carolina?
- You don't know how big Oompa-Loompaland is.
They might have regional accents there.
You lose! You get nothing!
Just kidding. You get 70 points, Paul.
- Ooh, an actual number.
- Chris. - Yes.
- A tour guide who snuck one of his own paintings
into the museum.
- So, I think we got a lot out of the Rothkos.
We sat there for a while
and we saw the way that the color fields were working.
And this artist is also, I would say,
on the level of Rothko. (cast laughing)
This is a self-portrait of a very handsome man.
You might think that this was just an iPhone photo
that was projected into Photoshop and traced over,
(cast laughing)
and you'd be right.
In fact, it's mixed media, uh, and the artist is a-
uh...
Chris Grace. (cast laughing)
No relation. Except it's me.
- And I'll cut you off there. (buzzer buzzes)
Yeah, an "Exit Through the Gift Shop"
amount of points for you, Chris.
Ross. - Yes, sir.
- A "measured take" on Freddy Krueger
by the Editorial Board of "The Washington Post."
- All of us have dreams. (Paul chuckles)
Only one person dares to walk in others',
dispensing ironic justice to teens
who bear the blame of their parent's crime.
- Aw man, it says I gotta pay $12.99
to read the rest of this one? (cast laughing)
- No one who works out thinks
when they go into their home gym,
they're going to be transformed
into a cockroach and crushed.
- Yeah, just put it in reader view,
and then that gets around the paywall.
- [Chris] (laughs) Right.
- Some people dare to dream big.
Frederick "Freddy" Krueger (Sam laughs)
was born two blocks from Elm Street
on the darker side of a little Burbank suburb.
- What if we share an account? (Sam laughing)
What if I make one and we use the same email?
- I don't want you to see my browsing history.
- This misunderstood young man
came up through local schools,
dropping out after a predilection for
child murder.
(cast laughing)
Even after perishing in a fire, he dared to live again.
One, two,
Freddy's coming for you.
Three, four,
we could all
have given him more
bitch! (Paul and Sam laughing)
(buzzer buzzes)
- Wow, Ross! Way to go.
- It made me rethink a lot of stuff.
- There are two sides to every story.
- So true.
- Democracy dies in darkness amount of points for you?
- Mm-hmm, that's right.
- Paul. - That's me!
- This presidential acceptance speech
is clearly a last-minute rewrite of a concession speech.
- Thanks, everybody. Thanks, everybody.
I know this outcome is not
what we didn't hope for.
(Sam chuckling)
We fought a good fight,
and it worked. (Sam cackling)
My opponent, um, don't boo.
Actually, boo. Boo, go ahead.
(Sam laughing) - [Paul] He lost.
We may think differently about a lot of things,
but in the end I think
that he will watch me rise to the occasion.
This isn't the last you'll see of me
because I am now the President and so I'll be on TV a bunch
because I'm the- - Sorry, I'm sorry.
Turns out you lost.
- Wait, I did? - You actually lost.
(Sam and crew laughing)
- Psych! (Sam laughing)
(buzzer buzzes) - And that's incredible work!
- Thank you.
- A Pokémon go to the polls amount of points.
- Oh, why? Can't we just forget that happened?
- Sorry. I'm sorry to get so real!
(players laughing)
Chris. - Yes.
- Last prompt of round one.
An Oscar bait monologue
from "UNO: The Movie." - [Paul] Amazing.
- [Ross] Amazing.
- I know that all of you here, you underestimated me.
You didn't think I could play in your game.
You thought I only had greens in my hand.
Then you learned I was a little bit wild.
I wasn't exactly what you expected.
I could be whatever I wanted to fit your social situation.
And then when I needed to,
I could make you do what I wanted you to do.
I could make you draw four. (Sam gasps dramatically)
Or maybe even more if there were other cards
with different numbers on them,
but I don't know the game that well, do I?
And here in the final act, (cast laughing)
as all of your blood is on my hands,
that's when I finally played the reverse.
There's only one person left standing. (whispers) UNO.
(buzzer buzzes) - I love it in Oscar movies
where they say the name of the movie.
- [Chris] That's right. - [Sam] Oh, damn.
- Truly, they were the Killers of the Flower Moon.
- Yes, exactly.
- A, conveniently, draw 16 amount of points for you.
- Oh. - Wow.
(cheerful upbeat music)
- Players, that brings us to our second minigame.
- Another minigame? - [Ross] Whoa.
How many swords do we have to name now?
- This is a little minigame we like to call Vent It Out.
How this works is, I am going to give each of you a topic
to rant and rave about. - Huh.
- You may only rant and rave when I call your name.
- Hm.
- When I call the next person's name,
you must continue to rant and rave
where the last person left off.
- The most dangerous game. - Impossible!
- Chris. - Okay.
- Would you please vent about-
- Should that button be closer to you?
(Chris laughing)
- Do you think? - [Ross] Under the chair?
- I feel like you're traveling a really long way to get to-
- It feels like we're robbing your bank.
(players laughing)
- What's wrong with this thing?
- [Sam] If I could please- - Easy, easy, easy-
- [Paul] Instead of calling the police-
- Easy, easy. - No, I'm just getting
the money from the registers. - No quick moves, Reich
- [Sam] Chris, daylight savings.
- I don't understand what we're saving.
Time is not a thing that can be captured or put into a bank.
Time, as a construct, is really just the progression
of molecules- - Stop. Paul.
- And who has more time than molecules? We do.
I think we should decide what hour it is
whenever we want to.
Do away with the concept of time altogether.
- Stop. Ross.
- Let it pass away as a relic of a former time
when we lived in an agrarian economy
that demanded folks to rise with and fall with the Sun.
But that time has passed,
much like the molecular theory of biology
has been swept into the dustbin of history.
We are made purely of- - Stop. Paul.
- Guts, meat, blood, spaghetti parts.
- Stop. Chris. - Pasta, Prego,
RAGÚ, Chef-
- [Sam] Stop. Ross. - Boyardee.
- Ross, could you please rant instead
about America's lack of trains?
- We used to be a proud country where people could travel
from one coast to another on the rail,
choo-chooing from one coast to the other.
- Stop. Paul.
- Choo-choo? Now it's more like chi-chow!
(Chris laughing) The past tense of choo-choo.
- Stop. Chris.
- I think it was my great-grandfather Chi Chow
who first built the tracks that these trains run on,
and you have forgotten my great-grandfather's legacy
by not riding the Amtrak. - Stop. Paul.
- My great-grandfather will haunt the shit out of you.
- (laughs) And Paul, could you please rant instead
about how capes aren't in fashion anymore?
- Have you ever walked down the street
and you see everybody's shoulders
and you're sick to your stomach?
(Chris laughing) - Stop. Ross. (laughs)
- These bulbous appendages on either side of our torso
should be kept away from the common view,
kept draped in a fancy drapery that dangles upon you,
leaving more of the body to the erotic imagination.
- Stop. Chris.
- (New York-ish accent) And also,
who's a superhero and who's not?
How am I supposed to know without a cape?
- Stop. Paul.
- (accent intensifies) These sorta Spider-Man guys
who don't have no cape,
of course everybody hates 'em like J. Jonah Jameson
because he just looks like a big bug!
- Stop. Ross.
- (goofier New York accent) How do you know
who's a superhero anymore?
You got your Green Lanterns and your Spider-Man
going around sans cape.
- Stop. Chris.
- I wanna go back to the day
when there was only one superhero, the Capeman.
He made capes and he solved crimes
by putting capes on the criminals.
You're like, "That's the bad guy."
- And we will stop. (laughs) (cast laughing)
What the fuck just happened?
- (mimics wacky gibberish) Bad guy.
- The real Vent It Out is to vent about a thing
while the whole speech undergoes a Bronxification.
(cast laughing)
- Paul. - Hi.
- [Sam] The small number of "Mr. Bean" episodes.
- (English accent) We used to build things in this country.
- Hm.
- There was a time when- - Stop. Ross.
- (English accent) A show like "Dad's Army"
would be on the air for years uncounted,
while one Mr. Rowan Atkinson poured his genius
into literally only like a dozen episodes or so.
- Stop. Chris.
- (English accent) I, myself,
had a society of fans of Rowan Atkinson's.
We call ourselves The Bean Counters.
We keep track of how many episodes there are-
- Stop. Paul.
- There are precious few. (Sam chuckling)
The happy few.
Are we going to stand by as Britons
and let the American sitcom "Friends"
steal the turkey on the head gag?
Bean did it first!
- Stop. Chris.
- We must never give up. We shall always persist.
We must fight on the shores of the US.
We must fight in the UK- - Stop. Ross.
- And the Sun shall never set on Bean
as it has set on our empire!
♪ Rule, the Britannia ♪
♪ Britannia rules the waves ♪
(buzzer buzzes) (Paul gasps in shock)
- Chris, last one. - Yep.
- [Sam] Streaming services.
- Y'all, I'll tell you what, they all suck except one.
- Oh, don't you dare.
- Which one am I talking about, folks?
- Don't you dare.
♪ I love all the streaming services ♪
♪ But there is only one that is the best ♪
♪ And it makes me wanna scream and shout 'cause ♪
♪ It's the one that's called ♪ - And stop. Paul.
♪ Shudder ♪
♪ Everybody likes to get scared ♪
♪ Everybody likes to say, "Is there a ghost in here" ♪
♪ Everybody likes to say, "I'm a werewolf" ♪
- And stop. Ross.
♪ Do you want giallo from 1970 ♪
♪ Do you want contemporary low-budget movies ♪
♪ Shudder's got it all for a low, low price ♪
♪ On the Amazon tab on your TV ♪
- Stop. Chris.
♪ And if you don't like that, I got another one for you ♪
- Stop. Paul.
♪ Crunchyroll ♪
- All right, put me out of my fucking misery.
(players laughing) (bright whimsical music)
That brings us to round two
where our players will now test their talents
in teams of twos.
- Ooh. - But there's three.
- And so we're starting with Ross.
- He's one! - And Paul.
- I'm the second?
- Both of these people are definitely wearing a wire.
- Hey, sorry I'm late.
I uh, hit some traffic coming over here.
- No problem, I understand. Things happen.
And if you saw me get out of that dry cleaning van,
it's just 'cause I was, uh, returning something.
- Yeah, right, and this bulge in my jacket
is because I got a tumor. (Sam and crew laughing)
I don't wanna bring the room down. How's the crime going?
- I was wondering if the shipment of cocaine
had come in from South America,
and if so, whereso and whenso?
- Cocaine shipment, that sounds familiar.
Weren't you telling me about that
and how you wanted to do it?
- Hey, it takes two to tango.
We had a conversation where a lot of things came up.
We were speaking vaguely, but if you could specifically say
when you are bringing it in,
that would be really helpful for me.
My memory ain't so good.
- Oh, well let me refresh it. You're a criminal doing crime.
You hate the law, right? - Absolutely.
- And you like to break it?
- I love to break it and I do not like
to collaborate with it to save my own skin.
- One second, one second. Is that good or?
- (laughs) And... (buzzer buzzes)
I love an insecure rat
who needs a little validation from time to time.
- Am I doing okay?
- Can you please say that again louder amount of points
for the both of you. - Oh my.
- Paul. - That's me.
- And Chris. - Ah.
- Realizing an anecdote isn't at all appropriate
for the "Jeopardy!" intro.
- And back from the break.
We're gonna get to know our contestants a little bit more.
And Chris, I understand that you have an interesting story
to tell us involving your love of apples
- Yes, I'm allergic to apples,
and I recently had some in the green room,
and so my throat's closing up at this time,
but my desire to be on the show and the power dynamic
has dictated that I won't say anything about it
except maybe unconsciously. (laughs)
- Well, best of luck.
Ross, I understand you have over 30 newspapers.
(Chris coughing)
- That's right. I'm something of a collector.
I started a month ago. (Chris groaning painfully)
- Could you stop making so much noise?
- I will cut you off. (buzzer buzzes)
What is 800 points for you both?
- Holy smoke. - Oh.
- Chris. - Yes.
- And Ross. - Yes, sir.
- A father chess knight
teaches its baby chess knight to take its first steps.
- Wait, wait a minute. - My spry boy.
- Wait a minute. - [Sam] Oh shit! Oh shit!
- Where can I go, Papa?
- My boy, I know that logic would dictate
that you'd walk straight ahead as far as the eye can see.
- Like a queen?
- That's the queen's prerogative.
- Aw.
- We just take a little step to the left
and a long stride forward, or the opposite.
- I go a little bit forward and to the side.
Or I go to the side and a little bit forward.
- My boy's becoming a man.
And if there's ever a pawn or anything in front of you,
you jump right over 'em.
- And Papa, what if I go to c7
and I attack both the rook and the king at the same time?
- You've been pincered, my boy.
- Oh, that's not a good thing?
- Let's say no. (Sam laughing)
- Oh, we don't have that much power in this kingdom, do we?
In fact, my twin brother is there on the other side,
and he got killed.
- We shall not speak of him.
You are all that remains. Now give me-
- [Paul] You are all that remains.
(Sam laughing)
- Now give me a hug, boy. - Give me a hug, boy.
- But son. - Son.
- Papa, we can never get to each other.
- [Paul] We can never get to each other.
- My boy. - My boy.
- Papa.
- [Sam] And I will cut you off there.
(buzzer buzzes)
I love how this like, went from like a wholesome scene
between two chess pieces to a very sad man.
- A very sad man.
- I was trying to play him as a little boy.
I guess the sad man in me really comes through.
(Sam laughs)
A Grandmaster amount of points for both of you.
- A Magnus Carlsen.
- Bringing us back to Ross.
- My god. What's happening? - And Paul.
- That's me.
- Rip Van Winkle explains the gap in his resume.
- I gotta say,
I found your cover letter extremely impressive.
- Thank you.
- You're definitely the most interestingly dressed
of the candidates I've seen today.
- I have my own style. - Yeah.
I am just noticing that like,
right before the American Revolution-
- Right. - there's a whole lot here
working in a lot of agriculture.
- That's right. - Cider manufacturing.
And then there's a big gap here,
and I'm just wondering if you could explain that.
- You know, I've been working since I was a kid,
and I decided I needed some time to like,
you know, just kind of experience things, you know?
- Great, so taking some time for yourself
to explore yourself. - Yes.
You know what, it's like I was exploring all my dreams.
- Mm-hmm. - And deciding, do I want to,
is this really a dream that I want?
And then it would just shift into another dream
and then and so on and so forth.
- You're a very dreamy man. - (laughs) Yeah, well, I am.
- Now, about these gnomes who play bowls
with the sound of thunder up in "Them Thar Hills."
- Yeah, I just put that in for,
you know, sort of an about me.
- Uh, sorry. Hey, Dave, where do we keep the horsey sauce?
- It's in the walk-in fridge.
- They make sauce out of horses now?
- The horsey sauce contains very little horse.
- Oh.
- But the beef does arrive here as a liquid.
- Oh!
- I'm gonna get right down to it. You are hired.
- Why, thank you! You won't be sorry.
(buzzer buzzes) - And cut.
How about the audience collectively Googling Rip Van Winkle
amount of points for the both of you.
Paul. - Hm?
- And Chris. - Huh?
- Ah.
- Excuse me for a moment.
- There he goes. - Give me all your money.
- New Year's Eve TV hosts are not the "fun" kind of drunks.
- Well, guess what, it's almost time
for the stupid-ass ball to drop.
- Yeah, yeah, and Jelly Roll's gonna sing at some point.
- I don't know who Jelly Roll is.
I don't know who half these people are.
I hate myself. (Sam chuckling)
And I hate you if you're watching this.
This year isn't gonna be any different.
- We've been doing this so long.
- So fucking long.
Guess what's gonna happen in the New Year,
more of the same shit!
- Hey guys, I'm out here in Times Square
getting live reactions from the people out in the Square,
but first and foremost, I wanna know, do you hate me?
- Yeah, I do. You know what, man?
I'm glad you asked because I do.
I wish you would hit yourself in the face with a hammer.
- I knew it. I pick up on the energy, and I know you do.
- Hey, that's your son, man. (Sam and crew laughing)
- You don't think I regret it every day?
- Yeah, go ahead. Spill it all out!
Let the whole country know what goes on
behind the picture-perfect closed doors of our house!
- Why don't you try being a man? Stand on your own two feet!
- And now SZA's gonna perform
(Sam laughing)
on "The New York Times" Doritos stage.
- Take it away, SZA.
- I'd give everything for one "I love you."
- And cut. (buzzer buzzes)
I fucking loved that scene.
A 10, 9, 8, 7 amount of points for the both of you?
- Wow. - Hm, stops at seven.
- Last prompt of round two. - Aw.
- Chris. - Yes.
- And Ross.
- [Chris] Hey! - [Ross] Okay.
- Letters between two "historically close
unmarried friends of the same sex."
- Jeffrey, I do hope that this message finds you well.
This day I did go hunting in the grange outside our house
while Martha attended to the household chores.
Thinking of you dearly.
Your kind words in the last message meant so much to me.
Also, your body. Anyway, how's Diane?
Yours, Philip.
- Philip, Appomattox has been hell.
The bodies pile up one on top of t'other
and I look at them wishing that I was one
and you were t'other on top of me here
in the fight to save the South. (laughs)
(Sam and Paul laughing)
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- You could help me save your South parts.
I'd like to explore your Southern lands
and make my own Sherman's March into your nether regions.
How's that wife of yours? I forget her name.
(Sam laughing)
Yours, Jeffrey.
- Jeffrey, I'm sure your wife is well,
but our friendship shall know few bounds,
but there is an intimacy with you that I long for
that I know I can never have.
- This traitor, Lincoln, has given up on our country!
- Just because we are on opposite sides of this conflict.
- It's put lover against lover!
- Brother against brother.
- And brother lovers against brother lovers.
- Truly, we are the worst victims of this whole situation.
(buzzer buzzes)
- I put myself on the wrong side.
- (laughs) Whoops!
69 totally platonic points for both of you.
- Oh!
(cheerful upbeat music)
- That brings us to our final minigame.
- Oh, this guy is crazy for minigames.
- Can't get enough of these minis.
- It's kinda my kink.
- You're a minigame freak.
- This is a little minigame we like to call Translator.
How it works is, Ross- - Yes, sir.
- [Sam] You are gonna switch places with Paul.
- Okay. As you wish. - [Sam] You are going
to be our "foreign politician"
speaking in a gibberish foreign language.
- Okay.
- Chris and Paul, you will take turns translating Ross
however you see fit.
And we have a little piece of art to inspire you, Ross.
Paul, could I have that please?
- And this is a little piece of art.
Did you mean to say "prop?" (players laughing)
Did you forget the word for prop?
- Anyway, um... (laughs) (Chris and Paul laughing)
Ross, we have a little prop.
- You can't move on that easily, Sam.
- Take it away whenever you are ready.
(Ross speaking gibberish in vaguely Soviet accent)
- Zest.
- Friends, enemies, and Uncle Zac.
(gibberish continues)
- I will now create a story
with some suggestions from the audience.
(gibberish continues)
(Ross mimics motor buzzing) (Chris laughing)
(gibberish continues)
- Okay, I heard "Dildo factory
from over there and over there."
We take you now to a day at the dildo factory.
First, the shades are drawn
so that no one can see how me make the dildos.
(gibberish)
(seductive gibberish)
- Matilda, did you hear
that the dildo factory is being shut down?
(feminine voice) No, our country's economy is quite strong.
(Ross shouts patriotic gibberish)
- Now, that was a lot of fun,
but did you notice the hidden lesson in there?
(Sam and crew laughing)
(Ross speaking gibberish)
- The Amerikanshi "dildo".
(Ross continues speaking gibberish)
The Amerikanshi.
(speaks gibberish) Pierce Brosnan.
(Sam and crew laughing)
- Some people say that the dildos our country makes
are inferior to the American dildo, but I believe our dildos
are as strong as "Remington Steele,"
a TV show starring Pierce Brosnan.
- And I will cut you off there. (buzzer buzzes)
Holy shit!
Paul, you can grab that for me, please.
- Take it back to the Louvre. (laughs mockingly)
- (laughs) It's art.
(upbeat jaunty music)
- That brings us to round three
where our players will now hold hands
and jump into the abyss together.
- Yes.
- Ross. - Yes, sir.
- Paul. - That's me.
- Chris. - Hey.
- Three soldiers bored inside the Trojan Horse.
- Can I say that this sucks?
- Aeschylus, I'm glad somebody had the guts
to finally says it because I feel like Ulysses makes a plan
and everyone's like, "Oh, great idea."
And we're the ones who gotta like, follow through.
- What are we supposed to do once we're inside?
- They bring the horse in, and then we jump out
and we're like, "We fucking got you!"
- (laughs) "We got you!" Yeah. - But they didn't tell us
how long we were gonna be in the horse.
- The thing is, we're so cramped in here
that I feel like it's gonna be more like,
(groans) "We're coming." - I know.
- Like, we're not gonna be able to spring out of the horse.
- Agamemnon didn't even leave us any snacks in here.
- No, I'm starving. - I'm starving.
- My legs are fully asleep and they have been for an hour.
- Uh-huh. - Oh, did you see Helen?
- Oh my god. - Oh my god.
- The stories are true. (buzzer buzzes)
- I will cut you off there. - Launched 1,000 of my ships.
- (cackles) Holy shit, right? - She's hot.
- Let's say eight totally normal points
with nothing suspicious inside them.
- Ooh. - I get it.
- Beware if Reich is giving points.
- Ross. - Yeah.
- [Sam] Paul. - That's me.
- Chris. - Hello.
- A German sitcom where hijinx
is handled swiftly and pragmatically.
- (German accent) Welcome to the dance, gentlemen,
but you must be in formal wear,
and you must have masquerade masks as well.
- (German accent) These specific requests
are unable to be fulfilled by me in my current state!
- (German accent) Yes, I too am ill-equipped
for these very specific items of clothing.
- Well, would you like us to loan you a jacket and a mask?
- Yes, please.
- [Ross] Danke schön. - [Paul] Danke schön.
- (feminine voice) Well, here I am at the dance.
I hope that my old boyfriends are not here.
- Oh no. - Oh, drat.
- I am one of the old boyfriends
to which they were referring.
- I too am a former paramour of this young lady.
- Oh well, it is my time to leave. Goodbye.
(Sam and crew laughing)
- And now, let us enjoy the song I have requested
from the disc jockey.
- I'm sorry, there's no songs here to be requested.
- Then why do you have two record turntables
in front of you?
- Because I dictate what songs are played.
What song did you desire?
- I want to hear "99 Luftballons."
- What? That is the only record I have bought!
♪ Ninety-neunzig luftballons ♪
(Chris vocalizing "99 Luftballons" by Nena)
(buzzer buzzes) - And...
That felt a little bit like three Christoph Waltzs.
- Uh-huh. - [Sam] At a prom.
- It's The Last Waltz. My god.
(Paul laughing)
- Humorless. I review you for one point.
- Fair.
- Last prompt of our game. - No!
- What sword we gonna name this time?
(Paul laughing)
- Ross. - Yes, sir.
- Paul. - That's me.
- Chris. - Yes.
- The Three Witches' spell (Paul and Ross laughing)
uses only Trader Joe's products.
(Ross and Paul gleefully cackling like witches)
- Bubble, bubble. - Bubble.
- [All] Toil and trouble.
- Fire burn and cauldron bubble!
Into the pot goes Peppermint Bark Joe-Joe's!
(Sam laughing and Ross cackling)
- That was the one that I remember.
- Sorry!
- A cup of the butter of a peanut as dark as night.
- Soon this cauldron will heed the call
since it is the season of fall,
I bring an item that spells the doom,
the holiday Cinnamon Broom. (Ross and Paul giggling)
- Your apartment shall smell seasonal!
Now to teem, into you also goes Power Greens.
That all your plans should wither and fail,
a mixture of spinach, chard, and kale.
(Paul laughing gleefully)
- And now to add to the potion fine,
a bottle of Uncle TJ's Wine.
- Oh, Charles Shaw!
This two buck Charles shall complete the brew.
- Then we shall throw in not one buck,
but two! - But two!
- And I will cut you off there. (buzzer buzzes)
- You cut it off before we could ring the bell
for some unknown reason. - Yeah.
So how was your day? (cast laughing)
- The cashier saying, "Oh, I love these" amount of points
for the three of you. (Ross and Paul giggle)
That brings us to the end of our show.
Our winner tonight... - Oh my goodness.
(Paul gasps excitedly)
- Paul F. Tompkins. - No! On my first very show?
- [Ross] Can't believe it. - Paul, you are the recipient
of the coveted Golden Ear.
- Ew.
Thank you to everyone who made this possible.
- That does it for us here at "Make Some Noise."
Tune in next time for more of the Game Samer.
I'm Sam Reich, and that sounds pretty good to me.
Good night.
(warm upbeat music)
(warm upbeat music fades)