LAINEY: Back in the '90s, there was nothing we all dreaded more
than parent-teacher conferences.
My classroom was filled with distractions,
so I always kept my expectations low.
So, Tom's been doing really well,
and I have seen so much growth from him this past year.
As far as a plan moving forward...
Mr. Scott, you really want to play the drums, don't you?
Go ahead.
Each teacher had their own way to deal with parents.
Coach Mellor took a hard line.
Now I know why Eric has no core strength.
It's not him, it's weak genes.
Hopefully, you guys will be a little better at running laps.
Whereas Wilma took the path of least resistance.
Karen is a joy to have in class and making steady progress.
Jessica is a joy to have in class
and making steady progress.
Logan is a joy to have in class
and making steady progress.
But it did come at a cost...
But no one took more pride in his parent-teacher conferences than CB.
He really went all out.
Hey, CB. Or should I say, "Aloha."
You got the theme.
Does anyone not?
Oui, oui! Bonjour!
Ah, John, please feel free
to help yourself to some coconut shrimp.
Mmm!
It's like a regular shrimp went on a tropical vacation in my mouth.
Plus this ukulele music.
You're really capturing the spirit of the islands there, Johnny.
Mahalo.
Oh, and last but not least,
the "surf's up" backdrop with fun props for pictures.
Photo backdrop? That's a little lame.
Are adults really gonna go for that?
Whoa! Hang ten, dudes!
♪ One of these days, you're gonna get outta here
♪ Live your life and finally be free
♪ Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do
♪ Someday, you will say "Those were the days" ♪
LAINEY: It was March 25th, 1990-something
and Glascott had just returned from the state's annual principals' conference.
Good morning.
Oh, hey, John.
How was the Pennsylvania State Education
Leadership Conference weekend?
Ah, the P-SELC.
It was two wild nights, a wild day,
and one calm morning
at the beautiful Holiday Inn Express in Harrisburg.
Well, I should go prepare for my first class.
You're right, it does get crazy.
Yeah, I didn't say anything about...
After checking in,
we all met at the hotel bar for Chardonnay,
made dinner out of the free hors d'oeuvres,
and then took a dive into the indoor swimming pool.
If you know what I mean.
Usually, "if you know what I mean"
is preceded by innuendo
that could possibly be taken as interesting.
I know what you mean.
Any school-related stuff come up?Absolutely.
There were several presentations
on innovative educational techniques...
Self-grading, circular classrooms,
Microsoft Encarta.
Oh, my favorite... Edible gardens.
Somebody say "edible gardens"?
Yes, a school garden where the kids can grow their own healthy foods.
I've been waiting for this day.Mm-hmm.
I shall set an example by growing my own food.
I'll be the hero we've all been waiting for.
And the kids can study the chemicals in the soil and photosynthesis.
Oh, and I have a great idea for a scarecrow.
He's a veteran big city cop
who's grown "too old for this "
so he moves to the country for a quieter life.
All right, so, we all want the garden for different reasons.
Hey, Mr. Brown.
Hey, Weasel.
I was wondering, um, when my dad comes in tonight,
can you maybe skip the whole "really bad grades" part
and focus on the "gets to class on time" part?
But you're always late. Yeah, could you skip that part, too?
Weasel, telling your dad about your progress
is kind of the whole point of the parent-teacher conference.
But he's so psyched about me going to college,
and, let's be real, he's gonna be super bummed
when he realizes I'm not smart enough.
Don't say that. You're smart.
You really think so?
College is in the cards for you. All right?
And I'm gonna help you through the application process.
I got your back, buddy.
Thanks, Mr. Brown. Happy to help.
All right. I'm gonna peel off here
because these pineapples are poking me in the nips.
That's cool.
LAINEY: Later that night, parent-teacher conferences were in full swing,
which meant CB was in his element.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, aloha!
Mr. Brown.
We haven't met before. I'm Weasel's dad, Greg.
Nice to meet you. You can call me CB.
Come on in, take a seat.
So, I saw he got that 68 on the last midterm.
Yeah, he normally does better than that.
Well, that could be on me.
The night before the test, I surprised him
with two tickets to Penn & Teller,
and, uh, we were out pretty late.
Wait, Penn & Teller? The masters of sarcastic magic?
Oh, man, the Ticketmaster guy
told me that those shows were sold out
and no amount of my tears would change it.
Well, I'm the event coordinator at the Spectrum,
so I wind up getting all sorts of tickets... Ice Capades,
monster truck rallies, X Games...
The X Games happening right now?Yeah.
Have you seen BMX Street god Garrett Reynolds?
If you've seen BMX Street god Garrett Reynolds,
I will literally kill you.
Whoa. Beep, beep! Super fan coming through.
Honk! Would you like me to get you some tickets?
Kssh! "Uh, Earth to Greg.
"Uh, CB would love to get those tickets.
"It's his dream." Kssh!
"Greg here.
"Tickets are locked and ready for takeoff."
Kssh!
We play so well together.
Listen, about that 68.
Gosh, I wish there was a way
we could move him out of "D"
into... Into C-ville, you know?
Weasel's a good kid, and I suppose I can give him a little extra credit work,
hopefully get him on that train to C-ville.
I knew you were a cool guy.
I am. I'm a cool guy.
LAINEY: As CB met the friend of his dreams,
Mellor and Wilma were on cloud nine in their new garden.
What in the H-E-double canoe paddles is going on here?
I think you mean what's growing on here, Mr. Ball,
because this is our new edible, raised garden!
It's an amazing, hands-on educational experience for the students.
It's also smack dab in the middle of my parking spot!
You see that sign? It's perfectly clear...
"Reserved for board members."
Come on, Earl. Nobody parks in these spots anymore.
I know that 'cause a squirrel died here three years ago
and the skeleton just blew away last week.
Couldn't you just maybe park in the visitor's lot?
Visitor's lot?
Are you really suggesting that the former principal of this school for two decades
is a visitor?
Oh, hi, Earl. Are you here to get the "411" on the convention?
Because things got crazy.
They had a sign that said "No Diving."
This guy dove.
How could you let them put a garden in my parking spot?
Now, these two suggest I just take a visitor's spot.
Visitor's spot!
Homie don't play that.
Well, a garden is a wonderful learning tool, Earl.
That type of radical decision requires authorization.
Well, I thought it was such a slam dunk, I just moved ahead.
And Wilma and I agreed.
Oh, you and Wilma agreed?
Gosh, why didn't you tell me that to begin with?
Well, that changes nothing!
Now, as your superior,
and the reason why you have this job at all,
I expect you to take care of this tout suite.
Of course. I'll, uh... I'll have the garden removed.
Oh, hell no. Come on, John.
He's right. I should've followed the proper channels.
I'll go move my car, and you can take my space today.
What the hell just happened?
John's always like that when it comes to Ball.
He never pushes back.
Well, you know who pushes back?
I'm guessing you? Me.
I guessed right.
Go left, Johnny. Go left.
Yo, yo, yo!
Guess who went to the X Games last night?
I hope it was you, otherwise your outfit's ridiculous for no reason.
It was me. Oh, and also, look at my swag bag.
Cool. What'd we get?
I got these gnarly shades.
Pretty rad, I think, huh?
Both gnarly and rad?
Oh, man. I gotta process this.
Oh, also, check out this extreme...mouse pad.
Huh? It's an extreme koozie. Yeah?
Can I get a what-what?
Sure, what-what makes these things extreme?
'Cause I got them at the X Games and they were extremely free.
How are you getting free stuff at the X Games?
Weasel's dad Greg took me. He's got connections.
Ohh, Weasel's dad.
I think the guy's a little shady.What? Why?
First of all, my friend Carla said so. Greg's her step-dad.
Duh. That's why she doesn't like him. Nobody likes step-dads.
They've got secrets and mysterious pasts and second families.
You watch a lot of Lifetime movies, don't you?
I do, yeah.
But I've met Greg, and he's the slick, connected, player type,
so I'm just not really sure why...
Why he'd wanna hang around with me?
Is that what you're... Is that what you're saying?
No, it is not. I... Um...
You know, you guys are always trying to push me
to do things outside of school,
and then when I finally do it, you want to stop me?
I'm just trying to help you out because I'm your friend.
I don't need to be looked out for, okay?
Because the only vibe that I get from Greg
is that he's gnarly and rad.
Kind of like my extreme shades.
But that's okay because I got
this extreme eyeglass repair kit.
I-I-I can fix the lid with one of these.
LAINEY: It had been a day since Glascott had given in to Ball's demands.
And it was really taking a toll on him.
You okay? Visitor parking is full.
I had to park over at Willow Grove Mall.
That's like two miles away.
Yeah, no Tae Bo for me tonight.
You should've stood up to Ball, John.
He was right. I need to follow proper protocol.
Protocol shmotocol!
By taking the first word
and rhyming it with a nonsensical second word,
I have conveyed my dismissive opinion of it.
We had to get rid of the garden for right now,
but maybe after we go through the proper channels, we can get it back again.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to go pre-arrange transportation back to my car for after work.
Nice try, but Ball has got a strange hold on him.
Well, then we'll have to do something.
Kill Ball? No!
Look, if we go get all the other members to agree to the garden,
Ball's outvoted.
Right. We should do that first.
John will love that we did that.Mm-hmm.
You went to the Board? Why would you do that?
That's an odd way to display love.But it worked!
The Board gave up their parking spaces for the garden.
And Ball can't fight the rest of the board, so problem solved.
Yay. "Problem solved"?
Why is this happening?
Okay, long story short, this is now my office.
Well, actually, that's the entire story.
It's neither long nor has it been shortened.
Why are you doing this, Earl?
'Cause I directed you to remove the garden,
and then Mork and Mindy here,
they went around behind your back and over my head.
You lost control of the faculty, John.
So I'm stepping in, I'm taking hold of the rudder
until the ship is righted.
This is not the outcome we foresaw.
Shazbot.
LAINEY: Mellor and Wilma's plan had backfired,
but CB was moving forward with his agreement to help Weasel.
All right, Weasel, let's take this college essay
by the horns, all right?
We just got to find something that you can write five pages on.
Five pages?
Dude, that's, like, a gazillion words.
Actually, it's about 1,200.
That's still a lot.
It's okay. We're gonna take it one step at a time here.
So, we just got to find a topic that you connect with.
All right? So, let's see. Um...
How about "Biggest Obstacle You've Ever Encountered?"
That's easy. This essay.
We're not gonna do that.
How about "Most Exciting Place You've Ever Visited"?
Geno's Cheesesteaks. No, wait.
Pat's Cheesesteaks. No, wait.
Geno's has the cheesesteaks, but Pat's has the fries.
Gah! Moving on.
How about "Who Do You Admire Most And Why?"
I feel like you could connect to this one really well.
'Cause if I'm writing it, it's about your dad.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe?
I mean, he is smart, he's funny, he's got a great job,
he knows famous people, he's got great hair.
He's pretty awesome.
If we're talking awesome dudes with great hair,
that's my best bud Ronnie all the way.
Uh, CB?
It seems Weasel's father is calling my phone for you.
Oh, yeah, I gave him your number
so he could reach me at any time.
Greg-ster, what's up, man?
Hey, is it okay if I give Ronnie your number?
No. That's okay.
He's usually right next to me.
You will not believe this.
Greg just invited me to go see David Copperfield with him tonight.
Hey, my dad took me to that show a couple nights ago.
He cuts a woman in half and then...
Well, I don't want to spoil it.
He puts her back together?
Oh, cool. You've seen it, too.
Not only am I going to go see David Copperfield,
but I am meeting him before the show.
And the Shiffmeister's gonna be there.
The West Wing's Richard Schiff?
No, Claudia Schiffer. That makes more sense.
Anyway, I got to skate on out of here, so...
So, we're done working on my college essay?
Weasel, one second on that.
Um, CB, can we have a quick chat in the hallway?
Yes. Mm-hmm.
What are you doing?
You're just gonna leave Weasel high and dry?
Shoot.
Could you step in for me and help him with his college essay?
You teach reading and writing. I am the music teacher.
Well, the key word here is "teacher," so...
You got this. No.
I can't believe you're ditching Weasel for Greg.
Or are you just upset because he actually
likes hanging out with me?No.
I'm upset because you're acting more like Greg
than you are yourself. How do you figure?
Well, Greg took Weasel out when he should have been studying,
and now you're going out with Greg
when you should be helping Weasel study.
No, see, I'm still helping.
Weasel's writing about the person
that he admires most, which is Greg.
So by hanging out with him, I'll then gain information
about how admirable he is,
which I can then go and tell Weasel.
Whatever you wanna tell yourself.
Thank you!
LAINEY: CB wasn't changing his outlook.
But as for the principal's office,
it had undergone some minor changes of its own.
Can I help you, young man?
I need to see the principal.
And you've come to the right place.
How come you're out here and not in your office?
I felt I was too removed from the students and the faculty,
so I decided to climb down from my ivory tower
and, uh, become a man of the people again.
Also, Ball kicked him out of his office.
He's in there now. Yes.
That and a little bit of the ivory tower thing, too.
But I'm still your principal.
Is Martha the principal, too?
Yes! No, you're not.
Oh, I was unsure.
There's been a lot of changes recently.
Martha, I need to dictate a memo.
Go nuts.
Yes, I authorize that, Martha.
The following policy changes go into effect immediately.
First, this school will no longer have a student suggestion box.
But that was my suggestion.
And that box is a great way for the students to feel
as though they have a say in their own education.
Yeah, it's a gone-zo.
Next, we will no longer be holding
ice cream social Fridays.
Which day will it be on?Never day.
That's not a real day, and you know it.
And also that's my idea.
Next, I was thinking of doing away
with Glascott's "Good Guys and Great Gals" picture wall.
All right, I'm beginning to think that this is personal, Earl.
You're clearly trying to undo everything that I've done
since I've become principal,
starting with the garden.
Yes. That reminds me.
Martha, did you get the forklift to remove the garden
and put it in John's driveway?
Okay, Earl, I understand that you're upset about your parking spaces,
but this is too much.
John, what's going on?
Ball finally pushed me too far.
And now you're pushing back.
Yes, I am.
Ooh, I love it when this happens.Me too.
LAINEY: As Glascott was more fired up than ever before,
CB was pumped to hang out with his cool new friend.
This is the best.
I can't believe I'm meeting David Copperfield tonight
and David Copperfield's supermodel girlfriend.
What should I say, by the way?
CB, relax. David and Claudia are normal people.
They put on their skin-tight leather pants
one leg at a time, just like you and me.
Phew! That's good to hear. You'll be fine.
I mean, it's not like you're some nerdy fanboy
who's gonna do some lame magic trick in front of him.
Of course not!
That would be so ridiculous, wouldn't it?
Greg, G, I just wanted to say thank you for all this.
Between tonight and the X Games, I just... I really owe you one.
That's what friends are for, right?
Absolutely. I mean, it's a two-way street.
You'll find a way to pay me back.Yeah, of course.
I mean, I don't know what I could possibly offer you
that's gonna compete with all this, but...
Actually, I just thought of something.
Maybe you could do me another solid with Weasel.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. You name it.
I appreciate you helping him
with his college essay and everything.
It's just that he might need more than a little nudge.
So, you're asking me to...what?
I mean, maybe you could write it for him.
No, that... That's plagiarism.
That's the biggest crime an English teacher could possibly commit.
Full disclosure, I took that sentence
from my college English professor.
Those are not my words.
Okay, how about this?
What if he held the pencil and wrote
while you dictated the words?
That way, he'd be writing it himself.
Then we'd be square for everything.
Greg, have you been inviting me to hang out with you
because you want me to cheat for your son?
Cheating, helping, it's the way of the world.
Well, I thought it was a different deal,
where we were friends, but I-I guess not.
All right. I feel really stupid.
Say hi to David for me, okay?
LAINEY: Glascott had finally taken a stand against Ball,
and he was going to do the same for the garden.
I'm proud of you, John.
It's good to see the big dog still has bite.
And I'm proud of you for fighting for our garden.
Although you could have chained yourself to something more sturdy.
You think I shoulda went with the bean trellis?
Seems like a lateral move.
What the hell?
Hey, I got orders to forklift that garden out of here.
I've been good to you all these years, Johnny.
How can you take Earl Ball's side?
I'm just a workin' man trying to stay employed to pay my rent.
If I'm a day late, my mom will put my ass out on the streets.
She's tough, but fair.
Uh-oh. Ball's coming in hot.
John! What's going on here?
Please stop this. I can't.
I dropped the key in the dirt,
and then I was trying to find the key,
and I kicked more dirt around,
so I can't find the key.
This is insane. Now, get out of here
so Johnny can haul this out of here.
I'm principal here, Earl, not you.
And who got you that job, John?
You did. That's right.
But that was years ago, and you won't let me forget it.
And all this time, I felt like I owed you for this job.
But you know what, Earl?
I earned this job.
Bring it, John. Tell him, John!
And the only people a principal owes anything to
are my staff and my students.
They tell you that at the conference?
No, Earl.
You told me that when you gave me this job.
Johnny, we're done here.
You did it, John.
That's great. Thank you, everyone.
Now, everyone grab a hoe and help me find the key.
So, how was the night with Greg?
Hope it was worth it.
Um, it wasn't, because you were right.
Uh, Greg was using me.
He asked me to write Weasel's college essay for him.
I'm sorry. Eh, I guess I'm just a gullible idiot
for thinking a guy like him would wanna hang around with me.
You are a way better guy than Greg.
It's his loss he doesn't get to hang around with you.
Then how come last night, he partied
with David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer
and I just went straight home and watched
a Boy Meets World marathon on cable?
Because he's a user and a d-bag
and you're a sweet, trusting guy
who always sees the best in people.
Honestly, it's, like, my favorite thing about you.
Thank you. That's very sweet.
I just can't believe I let Weasel down
just to hang with a guy I thought was cool at a cool event.
First... Not that cool of an event. At all.
Yeah, but I heard he made the crack
in the Liberty Bell disappear.
Yeah, when it's under the blanket,
he spins it around to the other side.
Big whoop. No.
N...
Oh. Yeah.
But the showmanship, though.
And second, you still have plenty of time
to make things right with Weasel.
Thanks, Lain.
Now go work your magic.
Okay.
John, you were right.
I was trying to undo all of your hard work.
Why would you do that, Earl?
I think lately, I've been feeling
more and more like a ceremonial figurehead.
Regal in stature, but still ultimately symbolic.
Not unlike the Queen of England.
But people love the Queen. And her namesake band.
Well, it's just I miss being a principal so much
and... And making a difference in the way you do every day
since you've been principal.
And... I guess that parking spot?
Parking spot was my last real connection to this school.
And when you guys put a garden on it, it just...
Hey, Earl, without you,
the school wouldn't be what it is today.
You planted the seeds.
I'm just here tending the garden.
Thank you very much, John.
Yeah.
So, will you name the garden after me?
Sure.
And if you're not too busy,
you wanna stick around and get some coffee?
I'd love to give you the 4-1-1
on what went down at the principals' conference.
I would love that. Thank you.
Well, first off, they still give you
the extra mint under your pillow,
but you got to call ahead and ask for it,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, my.
LAINEY: Sometimes in life, you have to take a stand for what you believe in,
even if it means standing up to one of your closest friends.
♪ Slip inside the eye of your mind
LAINEY: 'Cause even though it can be intimidating,
when you persevere, there's no greater feeling in the world.
Because you know in your heart it's the right thing to do.
So don't be scared.
Because the truth is,
new and exciting things will grow out of the situation
or maybe even blossom bigger than ever.
♪ ...slides away
♪ But don't look back in anger
Weasel.
How'd the essay go about your dad?
I think you should just read it.
Oh, my gosh.
♪ I heard you say ♪
You wrote this about me?
What can I say? You're a huge inspiration to me.
In the end, you'll realize that it was all worth it.
Okay, so we all agree that Greg turned out to be...
A huge douche, yeah. Yes, el douche grande.
That aside, he did have some very cool accoutrement
that I feel like I can pull off.
Oh, like the bitchin' outfit you're wearing right now?
Like this hat.
Does that come with a paper route?
Gold hoop earring. He only gave you one?
Bam. Fanny pack.
German virgin who's on a trip with his family.
What about this pager? Cool!
Five years ago.
Also, super-stylin' Mandarin collar.
I hate that on you. All right.
Attention, all!
The harvest from my section of the garden has arrived.
I give you nature's bounty!
Oh, my gosh. I didn't know we planted baby corn.
No, that's just corn.
I don't get it. I thought I saw some great vegetables.
Unfortunately, the bus parks next to my box,
blocking any direct sunlight.
Oh! Cute little blueberries?
I didn't know you were planting these.
That's hard gum.