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00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:02,603
LAINEY: Back in the '90s,

2
00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:04,205
making the Earth
a greener place

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00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:05,373
was on everyone's mind.

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00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:08,276
From Earth Day celebrations
to "Save the Whale" protests,

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00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:10,811
environmental awareness
was everywhere,

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even movies and TV.

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And this had a profound
effect on Principal Glascott.

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Last night,
I saw an incredible film

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00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:20,454
that shook me
to my very core.

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00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:22,356
Waterworld?
I heard that movie sucked.

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That's weird,
'cause I heard you suck!
Hey!

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I'm sorry, but we have
to save the planet

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before global warming
melts the ice caps

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and we're all living
in a bleak,
waterlogged world

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where fresh dirt
is currency!

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Sounds like Tampa.

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If you ask me,
the most accurate portrayal

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of not respecting
our environment

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is the adorable
animated gem
FernGully.

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Oh, God.
Wow.

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And when you got
to the theater,

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where'd you park
your Big Wheel?

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Yeah,
I'm not a child, Rick.

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I Rollerbladed there,
so... (SCOFFS)

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Look, all I ask is
that we all do our part
to save Mother Earth.

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I've done my part.
In high school, I recycled
the same essay six times.

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Instead of focusing
on the bleak darkness

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of John Glascott's
future soggy Earth,

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how about we linger
on the present brightness
of Rick Mellor's...

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New baseball stadium?
LAINEY: Whoa!

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After six long years
of waiting,

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we are finally ready
to break ground.

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Is that a little
Orange Julius stand?

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Well, I see no one else
is concerned about
the plight of the planet,

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so, once again, it's up to
John Glascott, eco-warrior,

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to save our precious
Mother Earth

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by his own damn self.

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John, uh, you left your
car running in the
parking lot again.

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Damn it, Coop!
Your timing sucks!

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* One of these days,
you're gonna get outta here

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* Live your life
and finally be free

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* Go where you wanna go,
do what you wanna do

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* Someday, you will say
"Those were the days" *

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LAINEY: It was April 22nd,
1990-something,

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and all the students
were gearing up for the day

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that would make or break
any high school yearbook...

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The Senior Superlatives.

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I can't wait.
I want to win "Best Smile"!

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It'll make five years
of picking roast beef
out of my braces worth it.

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Come on.

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ANNA: Ms. Howell?

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Oh, crap, Anna,

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I didn't know anyone
was still here.

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Did you need something?

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(QUIETLY) I'm a little worried
about the superlatives.

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00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:09,096
I-I don't want to get
"Most Quiet."

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Huh? What?

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"Most Quiet"?

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I don't even know why
we have these things.

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It makes everyone
feel bad.

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Like, "Everyone,
here I am, the shy girl.

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"Come look
at the shy girl. Hey."

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I hear you...barely.

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But I'll tell you what.

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Ms. Lewis is heading up

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the Yearbook Committee
this year.

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I'll have
a little chat with her,
see what we can do.

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Thanks, Ms. Howell.

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Not a problem.

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That's what teachers
are here for.

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Now, where did she go?

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That girl needs
to wear corduroys

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or a bell or something.

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**

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Lainey, you gotta cut
the Senior Superlatives.

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They're outdated
and petty

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and, quite frankly,
Waterworld- level stupid.

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No way!
The students love them.
And they're so much fun.

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Not for everyone.

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Anna Whitman's so terrified
she's gonna get "Most Quiet,"

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she spoke up
to the point

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that I actually
could hear her.

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Superlatives
are a school tradition

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that have been awarded
in the yearbook

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since 1890-something.

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Look, "Finest Bonnet,"
"Chastest Couple."

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Hmm.
"Most Comely Ankles."
(CHUCKLES)

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Oh, wow,
she really is blessed

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with quite the pair
of foot-toppers.

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Sure, but how
do you think

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"Least Likely to Survive
the Winter" felt?

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Sufficiently warned.

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Come on, Wilma,
the kids have looked
forward to this.

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Spoken like someone
who probably won

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"Best Dressed,"
maybe "Cutest."

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Or was it
"Most Amazing Person

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"Everyone Wants
to Be Friends With"?

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Oh, stop.
It was just the first two.

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The last one's
ridiculous.

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Wait, why are there teachers'
names on this ballot?

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This year,
the Yearbook Committee decided

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it would be cool to add in
Teacher Superlatives.

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Yearbook Committee, huh?

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You had nothing
to do with it?

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Oh, no,
it was totally my idea.

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While I was defending
old traditions,

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Mellor and CB were ready
to start a new day.

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Fancy restaurant leftovers
or actual miniature swan
wrapped in foil?

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It's leftovers
from my date
last night.

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She, um... She dipped out
right before dessert,

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said she had to go put
money in the meters,
but there were no meters.

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And I drove.

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I think I know
what the problem is.

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You say you drove
last night?

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A gentleman
always drives.

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Does a gentleman always
"Brake for Velociraptors"?

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Should have picked her up
in your other car...

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The Batmobile.

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A car says a lot
about a man, CB,

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and yours says,
"I'm 14."

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**

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(SIGHS)

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Hacky Sacks.
Mm-hmm.

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Comic books.

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Yeah.

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Magic linking rings.

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Yeah.

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Not to mention
an elderly frog in a bathrobe.

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(AS YODA)
Yoda, you know not?

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Did you speak to your date
like that last night?

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(NORMAL VOICE) No.
Although, when the
waiter came, I said,

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(AS YODA) "Start us off
with drinks, you can."

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Okay, this is
a complete teardown.

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Some advice... When you
first start dating a woman,
maybe hide yourself a bit.

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And don't overload her
with all your eccentricities.

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It'll freak her out.

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(NORMAL VOICE) Lying about
who I am seems wrong.

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I'm not asking you
to lie,

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but maybe don't flaunt it
right out of the gate.

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Yeah, because what I've been
doing hasn't been working.
No.

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So I could try
something like that.

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What do I talk about?

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Whatever she's into.

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And then go all-in
on that.

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Oh, I see.

146
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But what if
she's into Yoda?

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100% she's not.

148
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But you never even
met her.

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100%.

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**

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LAINEY: Mellor had given CB
some dating advice.

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And little did he know,
he was about to put it
to the test.

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GLASCOTT:
Hey, Rick, CB,

154
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I'd like for you
to meet Paloma.

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She is an eco-consultant
that I hired

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to help turn William Penn
into the school
that saved the planet.

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That's the goal,
through recycling,
composting,

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and reducing waste.

159
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Actually, she's looking
for a green captain,

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someone to work
side-by...

161
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CB can do it.
CB loves himself
some Earth.

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Great. Glad to have
you on board.

163
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It's always nice
to have a fellow
eco-warrior at my side.

164
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Hey, that's me,
eco-warrior CB.

165
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So, go, environment.

166
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Whoo!
Gotta love that Earth!

167
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Yeah (BLEEP) pollution.
Whoa!

168
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,039
No, it's okay.
He's right.

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00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,608
That's pretty much
my company's slogan.

170
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**

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00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:43,143
Let me show you
the lunch room.

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LAINEY: As CB took
a first step with Paloma,

173
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Wilma was taking steps
to protect Anna.

174
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:48,749
**

175
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,521
COOP: Que pasa?

176
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,122
Dammit, Coop!
Why are you sneaking around?

177
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,356
I'm not sneaking.

178
00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,358
I'm still cleaning up
after my AP Spanish
Taco Party.

179
00:05:58,392 --> 00:05:59,493
What you doin'?

180
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I'm trying
to protect a child

181
00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:02,996
from the cruel, cruel world
of yearbook superlatives.

182
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,499
Step aside. All right.

183
00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:06,634
(CREDIT CARD RATTLES)

184
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,001
Looks like
you've done this a lot.

185
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,503
Oh, yeah,
my kids are constantly

186
00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,171
locking themselves
in bathrooms, bedrooms...

187
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,840
Basically, any room
with a door.

188
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,342
I'm thinking about
going doorless...
Or kidless.

189
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(SIGHING) Ah.

190
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COOP: Okay.

191
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,447
Yes!
All right.

192
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,348
So, what exactly
is the plan here?

193
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,083
Well, if Anna
won "Most Quiet,"

194
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:24,384
I'm gonna
fudge the results

195
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,554
and swap her out
for Phil Jones.

196
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,756
Oh, Phil.
Sweet kid.

197
00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:30,323
Had him in Spanish
last year.

198
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:31,925
No, you didn't.
He doesn't exist.

199
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,527
Made-up name
just vague enough

200
00:06:33,561 --> 00:06:35,028
to sound like
it's actually someone.

201
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,730
Okay.
Oh, good.
She didn't win.

202
00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:38,331
Oh. You know who did win?

203
00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:39,833
You, for "Coolest Teacher."

204
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:41,401
Oh, my God,
is this a joke?

205
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,170
Kids can be so mean!

206
00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:44,337
Mean? What are you
talking about?

207
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,106
All the kids in my class
think you're very cool.

208
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,641
No way!
Yeah.

209
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,409
Well, I guess
I am kinda cool.

210
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:50,778
And what makes me
even cooler

211
00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:52,112
is I never thought
I'd be cool.

212
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,714
Don't use that
in your acceptance speech.

213
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,883
LAINEY: Wilma had
completed her mission.

214
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:59,052
And the next morning,
CB was on a mission
to impress Paloma

215
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,755
by exaggerating how much of
an eco-warrior he was.

216
00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:03,056
It's so great
to have a Green Captain

217
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,391
who really
walks the walk.

218
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,027
Yeah, I've been a green guy
for the longest time.

219
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,295
I remember
what did it for me.

220
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:11,098
I was on vacation scuba diving
with my family.
Ooh.

221
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:12,733
And I saw
this poor sea turtle

222
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:16,136
tangled up
in plastic six-pack rings,
and that was that.

223
00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:17,571
(CHUCKLES)
So, what did it for you?

224
00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:19,773
Oh, gosh.
There's just been so many.

225
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:23,310
I think a big one was
when I went to Alaska

226
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:25,245
and there was
this big oil company

227
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,280
that wanted to drill
on native land.

228
00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:31,785
So an Inuit woman and I
actually rallied the locals
to fend them off.

229
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,954
Oh, my God.
Yeah.

230
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,856
You know,
that actually
sounds a lot like

231
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:38,559
that Steven Seagal movie
On Deadly Ground.

232
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:41,094
Yeah, it's a pretty
universal story.

233
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,731
Hey, CB, here's the copy
of Infinity Gauntlet
you asked to borrow.

234
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,098
I never asked
to borrow a comic.

235
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,900
Yeah, you called me
last night.

236
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:48,602
You woke up
my entire house.
I did.

237
00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:51,171
So that you remembered
to recycle.

238
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:54,307
So, good...job.

239
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,709
Um, I'll give you
$5 later.

240
00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:57,277
(WHISPERING)
Just go along with it.
Just...

241
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,312
LAINEY: Yup,
CB was determined
to win her over.

242
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:01,915
(BIRD CHIRPING)

243
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,817
Oh, wow!

244
00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,318
A crimson brushpiper!

245
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:07,287
They're a protected species,
you know.

246
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,023
Oh. (CHUCKLING) Yeah.
Huge brushpiper guy.

247
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:12,325
Hey, CB! You wanna...
Whatever it is,
I don't do it!

248
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:15,462
LAINEY: Believe it or not,
Mellor's advice was actually
kinda working.

249
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,799
What's crazy is,
we're cooling the school
but heating the planet.

250
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,334
Death by irony.
Take that,
Alanis Morissette.

251
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:22,803
(CHUCKLES)
Right.

252
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,138
But also,
it's been really fun
hanging out with you.

253
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:26,774
Yeah.

254
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:29,342
Um, do you want
to go out sometime?

255
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:31,845
Maybe dinner,
something?
I'd love to.

256
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,581
There's this new
vegan restaurant
called Veg Out.

257
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:34,648
Wanna meet me there
at 8:00?

258
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,116
Lettuce meet there.

259
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:37,184
Ha!

260
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:39,352
That's a bad joke I heard
a lame guy say once.

261
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:40,453
Okay.

262
00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:41,689
All right.

263
00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,056
Goodb... Goodbye!

264
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,725
Stupid.
I gotta stop.

265
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,030
LAINEY: Wilma was officially
the coolest teacher
at William Penn,

266
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,632
even if no one knew it yet.

267
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:54,034
And she had no problem
embracing her new title.

268
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,036
Oh, my God!

269
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:59,039
You look amazing!
I do. I really do.

270
00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:01,141
(OVER PA SYSTEM)
Hello, everyone.
This is Principal Glascott.

271
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,343
If you don't know me
by now... (CHUCKLES)

272
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:06,947
Okay, the tallies are in,
and it's time to announce
the yearbook superlatives,

273
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,649
starting with the teachers.

274
00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:11,084
Oh, Wilma, you might want
to cover your delicate ears.

275
00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:12,986
Feelings might get hurt.
Uh-huh. Okay, then.

276
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:14,554
GLASCOTT: "Best Shoulder
to Cry On"...

277
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:17,357
What's this? (CHUCKLES)
Principal Glascott?

278
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,660
Oh, you guys!

279
00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,695
Well, I do have
an open-shoulder policy

280
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:24,197
and a very soft
sweater vest.
(CHUCKLES)

281
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:28,201
Okay, and now
the title of
"Coolest Teacher..."

282
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,638
Well, I think we all know
who's gonna win this one.

283
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:32,005
...goes to

284
00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:35,042
Ms. Wilma Howell!

285
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,509
What the hell?

286
00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:38,846
Well, I'll be!
That's fun!

287
00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,447
I thought you hated
superlatives!

288
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,050
Well, it's just
an instinctive
human response

289
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,252
when you find out
your students have deemed you

290
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:48,055
far more cooler
than any other teacher.

291
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,090
Okay, all teacher
superlative winners,

292
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,925
please report to the gym
for photos.

293
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,226
Oh, there's photos?

294
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,394
Wait a minute.

295
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,730
And now on
to the students...

296
00:09:56,764 --> 00:10:00,567
Cool top, gorgeous hair,
camera-ready makeup?

297
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,102
You knew
you were gonna win.

298
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:03,203
What?

299
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:04,938
That's a wild accusation!

300
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:06,039
It was a secret ballot.

301
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:07,574
I didn't even know
who was gonna win.

302
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,710
The only way to know
was to open up
the sealed envelope,

303
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:12,780
and to do that,
you'd have to be
inside the yearbook classroom.

304
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:15,082
Okay, so I got
a sneak peek
at the results!

305
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,017
But I only did it because
I wanted to help Anna

306
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,119
in case she got
"Most Quiet."

307
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,954
And then
you found out you won,

308
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:23,924
and now you're like,
"Oh, who me?
This ol' thing?

309
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,458
"I guess
I'll move to Hollywood

310
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:26,894
"and star in a movie
called Coolest Teacher

311
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:28,896
"that'll open up
to mediocre reviews!"

312
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:31,364
The reviews are in,
and they are glorious!

313
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,802
I'm ready for my close-up,
Mr. Glascott!

314
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,469
**

315
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,505
LAINEY: While Wilma was
gloating over her win,

316
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:41,041
CB was psyched to tell Mellor
all about his date.

317
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,510
Rick, hey. Your advice
is really working.

318
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:46,680
Seriously, Paloma and I
are like two peas in a pod,

319
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:48,115
which is coincidentally
what we ate

320
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,983
at Veg Out last night,
and it was delicious.

321
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,953
I never knew that
you could do so much
with a legume.

322
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,355
Well, you've proven
to be very coachable,
young Charles.

323
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,091
And as you know,
that's the greatest compliment
I can give anybody.

324
00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,927
Well, seriously,
I owe you one.
Forget about it.

325
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,829
Just name your first born
after me.

326
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,363
Rick's a great name
for a boy.

327
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:04,798
Or a girl.

328
00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:07,234
**

329
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:10,537
All right, John, I'm ready
for the Mellor Dome confab.
Oh, hi, Paloma.

330
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:12,172
Actually,
Paloma just alerted me

331
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:15,175
that we are having
a bit of an issue
with the new stadium site.

332
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,010
CB and I found
an endangered bird species,

333
00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:18,378
the crimson brushpiper,

334
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,447
so we're gonna need to do
an environmental survey.

335
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:21,614
All right, well,
crank that out,

336
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:23,150
and we'll be ready
to break ground tomorrow.

337
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,684
A-Actually,
this could take months,

338
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,720
and the land could be deemed
a protected reserve,

339
00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,155
where nothing
can ever be built.

340
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:30,290
Well, I'm deeming you
a dream crusher.

341
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,125
Come on, John.
You can't let her do this.

342
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,161
I'm sorry, Rick,
but this isn't my call.

343
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,963
We need to bring this
to a higher power.

344
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:37,330
Are you talking about
the Lord?

345
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,867
'Cause He'll go baseball
over birds any day.

346
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,935
Not the Lord,
the board.

347
00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:43,403
We need to have
an open hearing on this.

348
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:44,571
I'll set it up.

349
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:47,340
And I'll moderate.
(CHUCKLES)

350
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,342
It'll finally
give me a chance
to use this

351
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,745
for something other
than cracking walnuts.

352
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,213
(GAVEL BANGS)

353
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,982
I'll see you two
in bird court!

354
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:58,051
LAINEY: As Glascott
was bringing down
the hammer, or gavel,

355
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,720
Wilma was still pumped up
over her yearbook superlative.

356
00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:02,689
Yes!

357
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,524
Hello!

358
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,359
Oh, good,
a second pair of eyes.

359
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:07,594
What do you think, Anna?

360
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,696
Which reads more like
"Diana Ross

361
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,965
"leaving the
Super Bowl Halftime
in a helicopter"?

362
00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:13,133
I don't know.

363
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,002
My parents
think football's
too violent.

364
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:17,704
Oh. So, how
are you feeling?

365
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,239
Pretty relieved you didn't
get "Most Quiet"?

366
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,775
Yeah,
but I'm a little sad

367
00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,376
because Victor Ramos
did get it.

368
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,312
Look at you.
So considerate.

369
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:26,847
Maybe you should have won
"Biggest Heart."

370
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,982
No, I-I don't
want a title.

371
00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:30,417
Gunning for
"Most Humble," too?

372
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:31,684
No.

373
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:34,054
I thought we both agreed
that the superlatives are bad

374
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,522
and you were gonna try
to get rid of them.

375
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:36,756
I tried.

376
00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:39,526
It's just that
they're really popular,
and it's a tradition.

377
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:41,895
You know, sometimes
you just got to go
with the flow

378
00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:43,563
and be happy
for the people who won.

379
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:47,100
You were a lot cooler
before you won
"Coolest Teacher."

380
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:48,435
**

381
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:51,939
Remember, don't throw out
those greasy pizza napkins,

382
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,441
'cause they can be repurposed
into scented notebook paper.

383
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:55,876
CB, can I talk to you
for a second?

384
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:57,410
Abso-fruitly.

385
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,445
One second.

386
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:01,014
What's up, Rick?

387
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:03,817
My new stadium
is being put on hold,
possibly forever,

388
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,886
because your lady friend
wants to turn the land

389
00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,888
into some kind of
a weird love field,

390
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:10,790
where filthy hippies
run around naked with birds!

391
00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:13,360
Oh, wow. I-I'm...
I'm sorry, Rick.
Good.

392
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:14,794
Well, please go
talk to Paloma

393
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,196
and make this whole thing
go away.

394
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:18,598
No can do-skees.
Why not-skees?

395
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:22,202
Paloma has taught me
that we all have to make
sacrifices for the planet.

396
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,304
So we can't just take away
a bird's home like that.

397
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:25,939
You owe me.
You said it yourself.

398
00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:27,140
Well, you said,
"Forget about it."

399
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:28,308
That's an expression,

400
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,810
like when mobsters say,
"Fugget-aboud-it!"

401
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,679
Everybody knows
they never forget about it.

402
00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:35,648
I'm sorry, Rick.
I can't back you up
on this one.

403
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:37,951
Why are you acting like
you're Mr. Environment
all of a sudden?

404
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:40,087
You're only pretending
so Paloma will like you.

405
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,855
PALOMA:
Is that true, CB?

406
00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:43,957
What? No.
No, no, no. I'm not...

407
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,492
I-I mean, I might have been
pretending at first, but...

408
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:48,395
Well, congrats.
You tricked me
and I fell for it.

409
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,462
Please.

410
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,598
**

411
00:13:51,631 --> 00:13:53,233
(SIGHS)

412
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:54,667
Thank you, Rick.

413
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:57,170
Um, I really liked her,
and you ruined that,
so... (CLICKS TONGUE)

414
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:58,305
Well,
if it wasn't for me,

415
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,040
there never would have been
anything for me to ruin.

416
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:04,144
LAINEY: It was time
for the board
to decide the fate

417
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,879
of Coach Mellor's
new baseball stadium.

418
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:07,847
(GAVEL BANGS)
Order in the bird court!

419
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:10,850
First of all, if, uh,
anyone would
like some walnuts

420
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:14,454
or if you have nuts
of your own that
you need cracking,

421
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:17,257
please feel free
to approach the bench.

422
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,526
The chair recognizes
Rick Mellor.

423
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:20,894
Thank you, Your Honor.

424
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,364
(THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER
PLAYS)

425
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:26,499
LAINEY: Mellor's entire case
was built on the same thing
he built all his cases on...

426
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,168
In-your-face patriotism.

427
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,271
Ladies and gentlemen
of the gym, I ask you,

428
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:33,506
what does this flag
symbolize?

429
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:35,542
America!

430
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:38,745
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

431
00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,047
This apple pie?

432
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:42,682
America.

433
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,017
**

434
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:47,154
This beautiful
rawhide-covered sphere

435
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:49,489
adorned
with red stitching?

436
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,992
America.

437
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,526
You know
what isn't America?

438
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,028
Birds!

439
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:58,398
They crap all over
America's cars and dreams

440
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:02,635
and have been known
to spend half the year
in Canada!

441
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:03,937
(AUDIENCE GASPS)

442
00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:06,239
LAINEY:
Mellor had the audience
in the palm of his hand,

443
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,375
and it was looking like his
new stadium was a shoo-in.

444
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,843
In conclusion,
vote for my stadium

445
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:14,047
because a vote for the bird
is a vote for communism!

446
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:17,350
God bless America,

447
00:15:17,384 --> 00:15:21,254
land of the free
and home of the baseball!

448
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:22,755
**

449
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:24,524
LAINEY: Paloma had
a tough act to follow.

450
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,226
But she gave it her all.

451
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:29,229
So, as you can see,
the migratory pattern
of the brushpiper...

452
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,930
Unfortunately,
facts and science

453
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:33,766
always lose to a blowhard
screaming about America.

454
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,535
Boo! Boring!

455
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:37,670
Who wants
some American pie?

456
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:39,072
(AUDIENCE MURMURS)

457
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:40,974
I object!
Overruled.

458
00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:42,542
LAINEY: All seemed
lost for Paloma,

459
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:44,244
until something magical
happened.

460
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,979
CB: (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Ca-caw! Save me!

461
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:49,416
The big, mean
baseball stadium
took my home!

462
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:50,617
Ca-caw!

463
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,152
**

464
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:56,856
* So let yourself
fly, fly, fly away *

465
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:58,891
(LIGHT APPLAUSE)
CB: Thank you.
Thank you so much.

466
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:01,061
I have a few things
I'd like to show the board.

467
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:04,464
Now, there's nothing more
magical than...

468
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:05,565
Mother Nature.

469
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:06,633
(GLISSANDO)

470
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,768
Meet the crimson brushpiper.

471
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,703
That's him?
Yes, it is, Rick.

472
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,639
Well,
he's just adorable.

473
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:14,741
He's looking at me.

474
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,309
I feel like
we could be friends.

475
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:19,346
And if we protect him,
next year,
we can have even more.

476
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:20,613
More friends?

477
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,215
But if we don't
protect him...

478
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,253
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Wait, where'd he go?

479
00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:28,721
I miss him!
I miss him like crazy!

480
00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:29,922
I don't know, Rick.

481
00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:31,958
If we build
your stadium,

482
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,993
they may never
be back again.

483
00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:36,363
No! This is America,

484
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,265
home of
the crimson brushpiper!

485
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:39,599
Well, if that's
what you think,

486
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:41,634
then maybe
you should side
with nature

487
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,603
and let
the crimson brushpipers...

488
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,038
Flourish.

489
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:46,373
Smoke, and...

490
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:48,575
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

491
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:49,842
(AUDIENCE GASPS)

492
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:51,578
So many brushpipers.

493
00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:52,845
Those are actually doves.

494
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:54,681
MELLOR: You put on
quite a show.

495
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:55,948
I had to do my thing, Rick.

496
00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:57,984
And that's what
you should always do.

497
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,487
I was wrong to tell you
not to be yourself.

498
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,921
I tried
to change you.

499
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:04,957
And in the end,
you changed me.

500
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,161
Ladies and gentlemen,

501
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:11,698
I am withdrawing
my argument against
the crimson brushpiper.

502
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:14,301
We will refurbish
the existing stadium.

503
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:17,003
Well, it's official.
The birds win!

504
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,205
(APPLAUSE)
(GAVEL BANGS)

505
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,039
Now, would someone
get these birds?

506
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,342
They are eating
all of my walnuts!

507
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,810
CB: Thanks so much.
Thank you for coming.

508
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,512
LAINEY: While CB
had won big-time,

509
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:26,979
Wilma had never looked
so defeated.

510
00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,548
What's going on?
Talk to me.

511
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:31,184
WILMA: When I got
"Coolest Teacher,"
I got carried away

512
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:34,321
and stopped thinking
about students like Anna,
and I shouldn't have,

513
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:35,855
because I've been
on the other side of it.

514
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,358
Back in high school,
I got voted "Most Studious."

515
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,792
Oh, well,
that seems accurate.

516
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:42,229
It was code
for "Biggest Nerd."

517
00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:43,530
The girl who didn't
go to parties,

518
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,732
read Encyclopedia Britannica
for fun,

519
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:48,868
and went to prom alone
'cause her cousin said "no."

520
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:49,969
I'm sorry.

521
00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:52,105
It's still pretty awkward
at family reunions.

522
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:55,041
Anyway, I'm embarrassed
that getting
a good superlative

523
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,344
made me forget
how hurtful they can be.

524
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,078
But they're supposed
to make you feel good.

525
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:00,347
The word starts
with "super."

526
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:01,914
Not when they're ones like

527
00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:05,552
"Most Quiet,"
"Most Studious,"
or "Most Unique."

528
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,554
Or when they don't get
anything at all.

529
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:10,523
Yeah, now I know
how that feels.
It's not great.

530
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,592
You know what?
I say this year,

531
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:14,461
we start making everyone
feel good, for once.

532
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,995
Can we do that?
Yeah.

533
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:17,897
I'm the yearbook adviser.
I can do anything.

534
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,031
**

535
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:20,933
Thank you. Thank you.

536
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:25,705
Well, for someone
who isn't that into
the environment,

537
00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,407
you sure made
a strong case for it.

538
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,176
I'm sorry
I misrepresented myself.

539
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:31,778
It's just I, uh...
I really liked you,

540
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,280
and I didn't want you
to get scared off

541
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,315
from all the nerdy stuff
I'm into.

542
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,784
What stuff?
Shadow puppets,
silly voices, magic.

543
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:39,686
Mm, I only have one thing
to say to that.

544
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,856
I don't think
any of that stuff
is weird at all.

545
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:45,358
Well, I have one thing
to say to that.

546
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:47,894
Boom!

547
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,929
(LAUGHS)

548
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,431
That was really good.
Thank you.

549
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,333
Hey, everyone.
Listen up, guys.

550
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:54,734
WILMA: Even though
the senior superlatives

551
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,236
were announced
earlier this week,

552
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:58,104
we have a few more
to give out.

553
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,872
You all have something
that makes you one of a kind,

554
00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:01,741
and today we're going
to celebrate that.

555
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:03,676
To Brad Kramer,

556
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:05,878
in honor of
his classroom wisecracks,

557
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,414
I give him
the superlative for

558
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:08,915
"Best at Lightening
the Mood."

559
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,117
(APPLAUSE)
LAINEY: Yes!

560
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,452
Jokester.

561
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:15,121
For Samantha Zachrich
and her incredible
notebook doodles,

562
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,689
I give you
"Most Artistic."

563
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:17,890
(APPLAUSE)

564
00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:19,459
Well done.

565
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,494
Sometimes the recipient
keeps a low profile,

566
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:24,697
so their award-worthiness
isn't so easy to see.

567
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:26,499
That's why
I'm happy to give

568
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:30,069
"Most Likely to Speak Up
and Change the World"

569
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:31,371
to Anna Whitman.

570
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,673
(APPLAUSE)

571
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:35,608
**

572
00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:36,776
(QUIETLY) Thank you.

573
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:38,177
You're welcome.
My pleasure.

574
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:39,679
(SPACEHOG'S IN THE MEANTIME
PLAYS)

575
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:42,215
Jennifer Weisner,
"Most Original Project."

576
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,151
Ernest Hemingway once said,

577
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,154
"The world is a fine place
and worth fighting for."

578
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:51,090
Sometimes it just
takes an old friend
to help you realize it.

579
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:53,125
**

580
00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:55,628
Other times,
it takes a new friend

581
00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:58,465
to help you see that you're
fine just the way you are.

582
00:19:58,498 --> 00:20:00,567
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh

583
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,336
LAINEY: So don't ever
compare yourself to others

584
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:07,039
because the truth is,
we're all special and unique.

585
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:12,545
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh *

586
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,416
You just have to let your
true self shine through.

587
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,620
**

588
00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:37,504
Well, I hope everyone
enjoyed their long weekend.

589
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,339
I, myself, snuggled
up on the couch

590
00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:42,041
and watched a couple
of fantastic movies.

591
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,577
(CHUCKLES)
That shook me
to my core!

592
00:20:44,611 --> 00:20:45,712
God, here we go.

593
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:46,779
Volcano!

594
00:20:46,813 --> 00:20:48,415
We're talking end of days,
people!

595
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,617
There are no volcanoes
anywhere near here.

596
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:53,085
Yeah, that's what
Tommy Lee Jones said,
and then, boom!

597
00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:55,355
L.A. became
a lava-filled hellscape!

598
00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:58,858
Twister!
Mother Nature is pissed!

599
00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:01,160
Armageddon!
What's out there?

600
00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:02,529
Independence Day!

601
00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:03,963
Who's out there?

602
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:05,432
The Sixth Sense.

603
00:21:05,465 --> 00:21:06,966
Guys, be honest with me.

604
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:08,501
Am I dead?

605
00:21:08,535 --> 00:21:10,937
Dante's Peak!
Another volcano!

606
00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:13,340
But now
with Pierce Brosnan!

607
00:21:13,373 --> 00:21:14,407
Face/Off!

608
00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:16,943
Who wants to switch faces
with ol' Glascott?

609
00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:18,811
The technology is there.

610
00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:20,880
John, can I see
your West Coast Video card?

611
00:21:20,913 --> 00:21:22,582
Yeah, sure.

612
00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:23,950
Great.

613
00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:26,653
(GLASCOTT GASPS)

614
00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:28,655
(SIGHS) Thank you.