LAINEY: Back in the '90s,
making the Earth a greener place
was on everyone's mind.
From Earth Day celebrations to "Save the Whale" protests,
environmental awareness was everywhere,
even movies and TV.
And this had a profound effect on Principal Glascott.
Last night, I saw an incredible film
that shook me to my very core.
Waterworld? I heard that movie sucked.
That's weird, 'cause I heard you suck! Hey!
I'm sorry, but we have to save the planet
before global warming melts the ice caps
and we're all living in a bleak, waterlogged world
where fresh dirt is currency!
Sounds like Tampa.
If you ask me, the most accurate portrayal
of not respecting our environment
is the adorable animated gem FernGully.
Oh, God. Wow.
And when you got to the theater,
where'd you park your Big Wheel?
Yeah, I'm not a child, Rick.
I Rollerbladed there, so... (SCOFFS)
Look, all I ask is that we all do our part to save Mother Earth.
I've done my part. In high school, I recycled the same essay six times.
Instead of focusing on the bleak darkness
of John Glascott's future soggy Earth,
how about we linger on the present brightness of Rick Mellor's...
New baseball stadium? LAINEY: Whoa!
After six long years of waiting,
we are finally ready to break ground.
Is that a little Orange Julius stand?
Well, I see no one else is concerned about the plight of the planet,
so, once again, it's up to John Glascott, eco-warrior,
to save our precious Mother Earth
by his own damn self.
John, uh, you left your car running in the parking lot again.
Damn it, Coop! Your timing sucks!
* One of these days, you're gonna get outta here
* Live your life and finally be free
* Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do
* Someday, you will say "Those were the days" *
LAINEY: It was April 22nd, 1990-something,
and all the students were gearing up for the day
that would make or break any high school yearbook...
The Senior Superlatives.
I can't wait. I want to win "Best Smile"!
It'll make five years of picking roast beef out of my braces worth it.
Come on.
ANNA: Ms. Howell?
Oh, crap, Anna,
I didn't know anyone was still here.
Did you need something?
(QUIETLY) I'm a little worried about the superlatives.
I-I don't want to get "Most Quiet."
Huh? What?
"Most Quiet"?
I don't even know why we have these things.
It makes everyone feel bad.
Like, "Everyone, here I am, the shy girl.
"Come look at the shy girl. Hey."
I hear you...barely.
But I'll tell you what.
Ms. Lewis is heading up
the Yearbook Committee this year.
I'll have a little chat with her, see what we can do.
Thanks, Ms. Howell.
Not a problem.
That's what teachers are here for.
Now, where did she go?
That girl needs to wear corduroys
or a bell or something.
**
Lainey, you gotta cut the Senior Superlatives.
They're outdated and petty
and, quite frankly, Waterworld- level stupid.
No way! The students love them. And they're so much fun.
Not for everyone.
Anna Whitman's so terrified she's gonna get "Most Quiet,"
she spoke up to the point
that I actually could hear her.
Superlatives are a school tradition
that have been awarded in the yearbook
since 1890-something.
Look, "Finest Bonnet," "Chastest Couple."
Hmm. "Most Comely Ankles." (CHUCKLES)
Oh, wow, she really is blessed
with quite the pair of foot-toppers.
Sure, but how do you think
"Least Likely to Survive the Winter" felt?
Sufficiently warned.
Come on, Wilma, the kids have looked forward to this.
Spoken like someone who probably won
"Best Dressed," maybe "Cutest."
Or was it "Most Amazing Person
"Everyone Wants to Be Friends With"?
Oh, stop. It was just the first two.
The last one's ridiculous.
Wait, why are there teachers' names on this ballot?
This year, the Yearbook Committee decided
it would be cool to add in Teacher Superlatives.
Yearbook Committee, huh?
You had nothing to do with it?
Oh, no, it was totally my idea.
While I was defending old traditions,
Mellor and CB were ready to start a new day.
Fancy restaurant leftovers or actual miniature swan wrapped in foil?
It's leftovers from my date last night.
She, um... She dipped out right before dessert,
said she had to go put money in the meters, but there were no meters.
And I drove.
I think I know what the problem is.
You say you drove last night?
A gentleman always drives.
Does a gentleman always "Brake for Velociraptors"?
Should have picked her up in your other car...
The Batmobile.
A car says a lot about a man, CB,
and yours says, "I'm 14."
**
(SIGHS)
Hacky Sacks. Mm-hmm.
Comic books.
Yeah.
Magic linking rings.
Yeah.
Not to mention an elderly frog in a bathrobe.
(AS YODA) Yoda, you know not?
Did you speak to your date like that last night?
(NORMAL VOICE) No. Although, when the waiter came, I said,
(AS YODA) "Start us off with drinks, you can."
Okay, this is a complete teardown.
Some advice... When you first start dating a woman, maybe hide yourself a bit.
And don't overload her with all your eccentricities.
It'll freak her out.
(NORMAL VOICE) Lying about who I am seems wrong.
I'm not asking you to lie,
but maybe don't flaunt it right out of the gate.
Yeah, because what I've been doing hasn't been working. No.
So I could try something like that.
What do I talk about?
Whatever she's into.
And then go all-in on that.
Oh, I see.
But what if she's into Yoda?
100% she's not.
But you never even met her.
100%.
**
LAINEY: Mellor had given CB some dating advice.
And little did he know, he was about to put it to the test.
GLASCOTT: Hey, Rick, CB,
I'd like for you to meet Paloma.
She is an eco-consultant that I hired
to help turn William Penn into the school that saved the planet.
That's the goal, through recycling, composting,
and reducing waste.
Actually, she's looking for a green captain,
someone to work side-by...
CB can do it. CB loves himself some Earth.
Great. Glad to have you on board.
It's always nice to have a fellow eco-warrior at my side.
Hey, that's me, eco-warrior CB.
So, go, environment.
Whoo! Gotta love that Earth!
Yeah (BLEEP) pollution. Whoa!
No, it's okay. He's right.
That's pretty much my company's slogan.
**
Let me show you the lunch room.
LAINEY: As CB took a first step with Paloma,
Wilma was taking steps to protect Anna.
**
COOP: Que pasa?
Dammit, Coop! Why are you sneaking around?
I'm not sneaking.
I'm still cleaning up after my AP Spanish Taco Party.
What you doin'?
I'm trying to protect a child
from the cruel, cruel world of yearbook superlatives.
Step aside. All right.
(CREDIT CARD RATTLES)
Looks like you've done this a lot.
Oh, yeah, my kids are constantly
locking themselves in bathrooms, bedrooms...
Basically, any room with a door.
I'm thinking about going doorless... Or kidless.
(SIGHING) Ah.
COOP: Okay.
Yes! All right.
So, what exactly is the plan here?
Well, if Anna won "Most Quiet,"
I'm gonna fudge the results
and swap her out for Phil Jones.
Oh, Phil. Sweet kid.
Had him in Spanish last year.
No, you didn't. He doesn't exist.
Made-up name just vague enough
to sound like it's actually someone.
Okay. Oh, good. She didn't win.
Oh. You know who did win?
You, for "Coolest Teacher."
Oh, my God, is this a joke?
Kids can be so mean!
Mean? What are you talking about?
All the kids in my class think you're very cool.
No way! Yeah.
Well, I guess I am kinda cool.
And what makes me even cooler
is I never thought I'd be cool.
Don't use that in your acceptance speech.
LAINEY: Wilma had completed her mission.
And the next morning, CB was on a mission to impress Paloma
by exaggerating how much of an eco-warrior he was.
It's so great to have a Green Captain
who really walks the walk.
Yeah, I've been a green guy for the longest time.
I remember what did it for me.
I was on vacation scuba diving with my family. Ooh.
And I saw this poor sea turtle
tangled up in plastic six-pack rings, and that was that.
(CHUCKLES) So, what did it for you?
Oh, gosh. There's just been so many.
I think a big one was when I went to Alaska
and there was this big oil company
that wanted to drill on native land.
So an Inuit woman and I actually rallied the locals to fend them off.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
You know, that actually sounds a lot like
that Steven Seagal movie On Deadly Ground.
Yeah, it's a pretty universal story.
Hey, CB, here's the copy of Infinity Gauntlet you asked to borrow.
I never asked to borrow a comic.
Yeah, you called me last night.
You woke up my entire house. I did.
So that you remembered to recycle.
So, good...job.
Um, I'll give you $5 later.
(WHISPERING) Just go along with it. Just...
LAINEY: Yup, CB was determined to win her over.
(BIRD CHIRPING)
Oh, wow!
A crimson brushpiper!
They're a protected species, you know.
Oh. (CHUCKLING) Yeah. Huge brushpiper guy.
Hey, CB! You wanna... Whatever it is, I don't do it!
LAINEY: Believe it or not, Mellor's advice was actually kinda working.
What's crazy is, we're cooling the school but heating the planet.
Death by irony. Take that, Alanis Morissette.
(CHUCKLES) Right.
But also, it's been really fun hanging out with you.
Yeah.
Um, do you want to go out sometime?
Maybe dinner, something? I'd love to.
There's this new vegan restaurant called Veg Out.
Wanna meet me there at 8:00?
Lettuce meet there.
Ha!
That's a bad joke I heard a lame guy say once.
Okay.
All right.
Goodb... Goodbye!
Stupid. I gotta stop.
LAINEY: Wilma was officially the coolest teacher at William Penn,
even if no one knew it yet.
And she had no problem embracing her new title.
Oh, my God!
You look amazing! I do. I really do.
(OVER PA SYSTEM) Hello, everyone. This is Principal Glascott.
If you don't know me by now... (CHUCKLES)
Okay, the tallies are in, and it's time to announce the yearbook superlatives,
starting with the teachers.
Oh, Wilma, you might want to cover your delicate ears.
Feelings might get hurt. Uh-huh. Okay, then.
GLASCOTT: "Best Shoulder to Cry On"...
What's this? (CHUCKLES) Principal Glascott?
Oh, you guys!
Well, I do have an open-shoulder policy
and a very soft sweater vest. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, and now the title of "Coolest Teacher..."
Well, I think we all know who's gonna win this one.
...goes to
Ms. Wilma Howell!
What the hell?
Well, I'll be! That's fun!
I thought you hated superlatives!
Well, it's just an instinctive human response
when you find out your students have deemed you
far more cooler than any other teacher.
Okay, all teacher superlative winners,
please report to the gym for photos.
Oh, there's photos?
Wait a minute.
And now on to the students...
Cool top, gorgeous hair, camera-ready makeup?
You knew you were gonna win.
What?
That's a wild accusation!
It was a secret ballot.
I didn't even know who was gonna win.
The only way to know was to open up the sealed envelope,
and to do that, you'd have to be inside the yearbook classroom.
Okay, so I got a sneak peek at the results!
But I only did it because I wanted to help Anna
in case she got "Most Quiet."
And then you found out you won,
and now you're like, "Oh, who me? This ol' thing?
"I guess I'll move to Hollywood
"and star in a movie called Coolest Teacher
"that'll open up to mediocre reviews!"
The reviews are in, and they are glorious!
I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Glascott!
**
LAINEY: While Wilma was gloating over her win,
CB was psyched to tell Mellor all about his date.
Rick, hey. Your advice is really working.
Seriously, Paloma and I are like two peas in a pod,
which is coincidentally what we ate
at Veg Out last night, and it was delicious.
I never knew that you could do so much with a legume.
Well, you've proven to be very coachable, young Charles.
And as you know, that's the greatest compliment I can give anybody.
Well, seriously, I owe you one. Forget about it.
Just name your first born after me.
Rick's a great name for a boy.
Or a girl.
**
All right, John, I'm ready for the Mellor Dome confab. Oh, hi, Paloma.
Actually, Paloma just alerted me
that we are having a bit of an issue with the new stadium site.
CB and I found an endangered bird species,
the crimson brushpiper,
so we're gonna need to do an environmental survey.
All right, well, crank that out,
and we'll be ready to break ground tomorrow.
A-Actually, this could take months,
and the land could be deemed a protected reserve,
where nothing can ever be built.
Well, I'm deeming you a dream crusher.
Come on, John. You can't let her do this.
I'm sorry, Rick, but this isn't my call.
We need to bring this to a higher power.
Are you talking about the Lord?
'Cause He'll go baseball over birds any day.
Not the Lord, the board.
We need to have an open hearing on this.
I'll set it up.
And I'll moderate. (CHUCKLES)
It'll finally give me a chance to use this
for something other than cracking walnuts.
(GAVEL BANGS)
I'll see you two in bird court!
LAINEY: As Glascott was bringing down the hammer, or gavel,
Wilma was still pumped up over her yearbook superlative.
Yes!
Hello!
Oh, good, a second pair of eyes.
What do you think, Anna?
Which reads more like "Diana Ross
"leaving the Super Bowl Halftime in a helicopter"?
I don't know.
My parents think football's too violent.
Oh. So, how are you feeling?
Pretty relieved you didn't get "Most Quiet"?
Yeah, but I'm a little sad
because Victor Ramos did get it.
Look at you. So considerate.
Maybe you should have won "Biggest Heart."
No, I-I don't want a title.
Gunning for "Most Humble," too?
No.
I thought we both agreed that the superlatives are bad
and you were gonna try to get rid of them.
I tried.
It's just that they're really popular, and it's a tradition.
You know, sometimes you just got to go with the flow
and be happy for the people who won.
You were a lot cooler before you won "Coolest Teacher."
**
Remember, don't throw out those greasy pizza napkins,
'cause they can be repurposed into scented notebook paper.
CB, can I talk to you for a second?
Abso-fruitly.
One second.
What's up, Rick?
My new stadium is being put on hold, possibly forever,
because your lady friend wants to turn the land
into some kind of a weird love field,
where filthy hippies run around naked with birds!
Oh, wow. I-I'm... I'm sorry, Rick. Good.
Well, please go talk to Paloma
and make this whole thing go away.
No can do-skees. Why not-skees?
Paloma has taught me that we all have to make sacrifices for the planet.
So we can't just take away a bird's home like that.
You owe me. You said it yourself.
Well, you said, "Forget about it."
That's an expression,
like when mobsters say, "Fugget-aboud-it!"
Everybody knows they never forget about it.
I'm sorry, Rick. I can't back you up on this one.
Why are you acting like you're Mr. Environment all of a sudden?
You're only pretending so Paloma will like you.
PALOMA: Is that true, CB?
What? No. No, no, no. I'm not...
I-I mean, I might have been pretending at first, but...
Well, congrats. You tricked me and I fell for it.
Please.
**
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Rick.
Um, I really liked her, and you ruined that, so... (CLICKS TONGUE)
Well, if it wasn't for me,
there never would have been anything for me to ruin.
LAINEY: It was time for the board to decide the fate
of Coach Mellor's new baseball stadium.
(GAVEL BANGS) Order in the bird court!
First of all, if, uh, anyone would like some walnuts
or if you have nuts of your own that you need cracking,
please feel free to approach the bench.
The chair recognizes Rick Mellor.
Thank you, Your Honor.
(THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER PLAYS)
LAINEY: Mellor's entire case was built on the same thing he built all his cases on...
In-your-face patriotism.
Ladies and gentlemen of the gym, I ask you,
what does this flag symbolize?
America!
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
This apple pie?
America.
**
This beautiful rawhide-covered sphere
adorned with red stitching?
America.
You know what isn't America?
Birds!
They crap all over America's cars and dreams
and have been known to spend half the year in Canada!
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
LAINEY: Mellor had the audience in the palm of his hand,
and it was looking like his new stadium was a shoo-in.
In conclusion, vote for my stadium
because a vote for the bird is a vote for communism!
God bless America,
land of the free and home of the baseball!
**
LAINEY: Paloma had a tough act to follow.
But she gave it her all.
So, as you can see, the migratory pattern of the brushpiper...
Unfortunately, facts and science
always lose to a blowhard screaming about America.
Boo! Boring!
Who wants some American pie?
(AUDIENCE MURMURS)
I object! Overruled.
LAINEY: All seemed lost for Paloma,
until something magical happened.
CB: (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Ca-caw! Save me!
The big, mean baseball stadium took my home!
Ca-caw!
**
* So let yourself fly, fly, fly away *
(LIGHT APPLAUSE) CB: Thank you. Thank you so much.
I have a few things I'd like to show the board.
Now, there's nothing more magical than...
Mother Nature.
(GLISSANDO)
Meet the crimson brushpiper.
That's him? Yes, it is, Rick.
Well, he's just adorable.
He's looking at me.
I feel like we could be friends.
And if we protect him, next year, we can have even more.
More friends?
But if we don't protect him...
(AUDIENCE GASPS) Wait, where'd he go?
I miss him! I miss him like crazy!
I don't know, Rick.
If we build your stadium,
they may never be back again.
No! This is America,
home of the crimson brushpiper!
Well, if that's what you think,
then maybe you should side with nature
and let the crimson brushpipers...
Flourish.
Smoke, and...
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
So many brushpipers.
Those are actually doves.
MELLOR: You put on quite a show.
I had to do my thing, Rick.
And that's what you should always do.
I was wrong to tell you not to be yourself.
I tried to change you.
And in the end, you changed me.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am withdrawing my argument against the crimson brushpiper.
We will refurbish the existing stadium.
Well, it's official. The birds win!
(APPLAUSE) (GAVEL BANGS)
Now, would someone get these birds?
They are eating all of my walnuts!
CB: Thanks so much. Thank you for coming.
LAINEY: While CB had won big-time,
Wilma had never looked so defeated.
What's going on? Talk to me.
WILMA: When I got "Coolest Teacher," I got carried away
and stopped thinking about students like Anna, and I shouldn't have,
because I've been on the other side of it.
Back in high school, I got voted "Most Studious."
Oh, well, that seems accurate.
It was code for "Biggest Nerd."
The girl who didn't go to parties,
read Encyclopedia Britannica for fun,
and went to prom alone 'cause her cousin said "no."
I'm sorry.
It's still pretty awkward at family reunions.
Anyway, I'm embarrassed that getting a good superlative
made me forget how hurtful they can be.
But they're supposed to make you feel good.
The word starts with "super."
Not when they're ones like
"Most Quiet," "Most Studious," or "Most Unique."
Or when they don't get anything at all.
Yeah, now I know how that feels. It's not great.
You know what? I say this year,
we start making everyone feel good, for once.
Can we do that? Yeah.
I'm the yearbook adviser. I can do anything.
**
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, for someone who isn't that into the environment,
you sure made a strong case for it.
I'm sorry I misrepresented myself.
It's just I, uh... I really liked you,
and I didn't want you to get scared off
from all the nerdy stuff I'm into.
What stuff? Shadow puppets, silly voices, magic.
Mm, I only have one thing to say to that.
I don't think any of that stuff is weird at all.
Well, I have one thing to say to that.
Boom!
(LAUGHS)
That was really good. Thank you.
Hey, everyone. Listen up, guys.
WILMA: Even though the senior superlatives
were announced earlier this week,
we have a few more to give out.
You all have something that makes you one of a kind,
and today we're going to celebrate that.
To Brad Kramer,
in honor of his classroom wisecracks,
I give him the superlative for
"Best at Lightening the Mood."
(APPLAUSE) LAINEY: Yes!
Jokester.
For Samantha Zachrich and her incredible notebook doodles,
I give you "Most Artistic."
(APPLAUSE)
Well done.
Sometimes the recipient keeps a low profile,
so their award-worthiness isn't so easy to see.
That's why I'm happy to give
"Most Likely to Speak Up and Change the World"
to Anna Whitman.
(APPLAUSE)
**
(QUIETLY) Thank you.
You're welcome. My pleasure.
(SPACEHOG'S IN THE MEANTIME PLAYS)
Jennifer Weisner, "Most Original Project."
Ernest Hemingway once said,
"The world is a fine place and worth fighting for."
Sometimes it just takes an old friend to help you realize it.
**
Other times, it takes a new friend
to help you see that you're fine just the way you are.
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
LAINEY: So don't ever compare yourself to others
because the truth is, we're all special and unique.
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh *
You just have to let your true self shine through.
**
Well, I hope everyone enjoyed their long weekend.
I, myself, snuggled up on the couch
and watched a couple of fantastic movies.
(CHUCKLES) That shook me to my core!
God, here we go.
Volcano!
We're talking end of days, people!
There are no volcanoes anywhere near here.
Yeah, that's what Tommy Lee Jones said, and then, boom!
L.A. became a lava-filled hellscape!
Twister! Mother Nature is pissed!
Armageddon! What's out there?
Independence Day!
Who's out there?
The Sixth Sense.
Guys, be honest with me.
Am I dead?
Dante's Peak! Another volcano!
But now with Pierce Brosnan!
Face/Off!
Who wants to switch faces with ol' Glascott?
The technology is there.
John, can I see your West Coast Video card?
Yeah, sure.
Great.
(GLASCOTT GASPS)
(SIGHS) Thank you.