LAINEY: Back in the '80s, it was always me and Barry Goldberg.
But then the '90s hit, and we grew up.
I was teaching at William Penn.
Barry was doing his residency in Detroit.
Barry? Barry?
For over a year, we tried to make it work long-distance.
We talked and talked... A lot.
And what we finally decided was best was to break up...
Maybe not forever, but definitely for now.
Of course I was a mess.
But I finally got myself up and out.
And fortunately, the best of all the '90s rom-coms,
Clueless, had just hit the theaters.
I love Josh.
LAINEY: And I found inspirations
from the bold, charming intelligence of Cher.
Her sense of independence made me feel like I could make it on my own.
So I decided to be just like her,
including the cute outfits.
Believe it or not, my breakup with Barry wasn't getting me down.
The two of us had decided to go our separate ways and remain friends,
so I was ready to move on with my life and put Barry in the past.
Let's talk about you and Barry.
I can't believe Barry left you for one of his nurses
and ran off to Toronto, the Paris of Canada.
It was totally mutual.
And at the very least, Montreal is the Paris of Canada.
That's not what I heard went down.
Word is, Goldberg stuck a note in her Build-a-Bear.
Using America's cuddliest mall novelty to do his dirty work.
Makes me sick.
Leave her alone! She's a grown woman. She's fine.
Are you fine? I can make you a pie, sweetie.
Guys, take it from me, who was actually there,
it was a totally normal break-up.
Now, can we please move on with our day?
Aw, Lainey, there you are.
CB and Wilma need a third for the prom committee,
and I thought, who better than you to help them out?
I'd be happy to.
Thank you for treating me like a fully functioning person.
Anything to take your mind off of the brutal breakup.
And to think Barry crushed your heart
on a beautiful hot-air balloon ride
over the vineyards of Napa.
For the last time...
Oh. I actually like that one. We'll go with that.
And we, your friends on the ground, are here for you.
Group hug, everyone.
[CHUCKLES] Oh. No.
♪ One of these days, you're gonna get outta here
♪ Live your life and finally be free
♪ Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do
♪ Someday, you will say "Those were the days" ♪
LAINEY: It was May 13, 1990-something,
and Julie had gone out of town
and entrusted Coach Mellor to be totally in charge of Toby.
Hey, John. Look at Toby.
That's my boy.
Well, not my boy, but my girlfriend's boy.
Well, actually, uh, her nephew
who she's the legal guardian of.
You meant "of whom she is the legal guardian."
Don't be that guy, John.
The point is, Julie's only been gone for a couple days,
and already, my alpha energy is rubbing off on Toby.
And the ladies are clearly drawn to it.
Actually, Rick, that's Dawn,
the senior girl who's tutoring Toby.
She's part of my program where seniors tutor freshmen.
Oh, yeah, your, uh, "See-Fresh" program.
Yes, "See-Fresh" is an extremely clever name
that I came up with and not a typo that...happened
while I was designing the flyers.
I think he's got a crush on Dawn.
I remember my first crush...
1964, Ursulga Bordath.
She was an Olympic shot-putter, won a gold medal.
When she put that shot, it may as well have been my heart.
I was a Mrs. Butterworth guy myself.
Sweet and shapely.
Maybe it's best we don't tell anybody else
what we've shared here today.
Yeah. That may be best.
Anyways, I'm gonna head out.
I...suddenly have a hankering for pancakes.
Hey, Coach! You'll never guess what just happened!
What happened? Dawn asked me to go to the prom with her.
Oh, ha ha!
That sounds great, buddy! Congrats!
This is so cool.
I never thought I'd start dating till I was 35,
but I'm a playa now.
It's on like Donkey Kong!
You're going to prom, baby!
Oh, yeah!
Toby, a bunch of us are going to play laser tag on Saturday night.
I was thinking maybe you could come.
Laser tag? Yeah. That's a game for boys.
And as of today, I'm a man now.
Dawn just asked me to go to prom with her.
Isn't Dawn, like...old?
Yep. 17.
And in one more year,
she'll be able to get us into R-rated movies.
Okay. Well, have fun at prom, I guess.
LAINEY: Toby couldn't contain his excitement for prom.
Meanwhile, Wilma and CB realized
they'd need to get creative with their prom plans.
Okay, for prom decorations, all I was able to dig out of storage
were some old Halloween streamers
and a "Dukakis for President" banner.
So, how are you doing with all this Lainey and Barry stuff?
It must be weird for you,
seeing as how you were pining after Lainey forever,
and as soon as you start dating Paloma... Boom.
Miss Lainey suddenly is back on the market.
Wilma, like the failed presidential campaign of Michael Dukakis,
that stuff's in the past.
So, are you telling me you have no feelings for Lainey?
I am happy with Paloma now.
Okay, you know what? Just let it go, please.
You didn't say no.
Okay, so, what are we doing here?
I present to you...
Our blank prom canvas,
A.K.A. the stinky-ass gym.
We could probably build off the dank smell
and go with an "Under the Sea at Low Tide" theme.
You know, Paloma, my new girlfriend,
spent the entire summer under the sea
studying whale migration patterns, so...
Oh. I'm... I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to rub my happy relationship in your sad face.
It's okay. I'm genuinely happy for you.
Talk about Paloma all you want.
Okay. Thank God. 'Cause literally everything reminds me of her.
She's just the best. I can't even remember life "BP."
That means "Before Paloma." [CHUCKLES]
My new "GF." That means "girl... "
We know. Okay, uh, prom themes.
We need something long to cover all this space.
I got it... "Slip 'N Slide of Love."
I've got an older one I'd be okay to lend out.
How about something like "Tunnel of Love?"
Which is more normal and will have less personal-injury lawsuits.
Wait. I got it. And I really do got it.
"Chunnel of Love."
What the hell's a Chunnel? Like a chubby tunnel?
No, it's the recently completed engineering marvel
that connects England and France.
Oh, uh, speaking of Paloma, I'm gonna be late
for our "afternoon delight." [CLICKS TONGUE]
Good Lord. What?
Every afternoon, we meet up
to get a delightful ice cream treat.
Oh.
It must be really hard to see CB with a girlfriend,
especially 'cause if you and Barry had broken up
like two weeks ago, that girlfriend could be you.
Oh, please. [CHUCKLES] We all know he was into me.
But as far as I'm concerned, we're just good friends.
Mm-hmm.
Truth is, I'm happy to be single.
I am free. I'm out there.
I'm basically a Sheryl Crow song.
Don't bring Sheryl Crow into this.
While I was trying to convince Wilma that I was A-okay,
Mellor was excited to talk to Glascott A.S.A.P.
John, stop rolling. I got great news.
You know how Toby has a crush on Dawn Ferguson?
Where's all this cat hair coming from?
Well, get this... She just asked him...
I haven't owned a cat in years.
Dawn asked Toby to the prom.
What?
A tutor asking out a tutee?
That's against the See-Fresh code of conduct.
This is a learning program.
It's not the "Swim-Up Happy Hour" at Sandals Montego Bay.
Well, I guess your little codes are no match
for the testosterone-laden tutelage of Rick Mellor.
Do you think Toby is ready for prom?
What's there to be ready for?
Some respectfully spaced slow dancing to Paul Anka?
Fruit punch with enough 7-Up to tickle your nose?
Ending the night at the malt shop
with an ice cream sundae for two?
Rick, the Norman Rockwell world you just described is long gone.
These days, proms are like Studio 54.
There are pre-parties and limo rides and after parties.
And then there's a room at the Embassy Suites.
Well, Toby's not mature enough for any of that.
Just last week, he blushed
when a chimp blew a kiss at him at the zoo.
Mm-hmm. Been there.
Well, this can't happen on my watch.
Julie left me with her innocent little boy,
and I can't let him turn into a mini Don Johnson!
Okay, let's not jump to conclusions.
I'm sorry, Rick.
Not only is there cat hair on the outside of my sleeve,
there's cat hair in my sleeve.
How does a cat get in your sleeve?
LAINEY: While Mellor was worried if Toby was ready for prom,
Wilma and I were readying the school for the perfect night.
I hope when the kids ride through our "Chunnel of Love,"
it inspires them to learn more about engineering.
Ha. You know they're just gonna use it for awkward teen groping.
Anatomy. Still science. I'll take it.
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Paloma, CB's new girlfriend.
Have you seen him?
No, he went to Panera because we ran out of bread
for our "Arc de Baguettes" for the French side.
Oh. Okay. Well, tell him I want to talk to him. I have some big news.
Ooh. Big news. Did you buy a house? New car?
You pregnant?
Only with information. [CHUCKLES]
Weird. Okay. We'll let him know.
It's really big news.
We got that from when you said it.
Sounds like you really want to talk to someone about this.
Yeah, we're all ears, if you want to share.
Okay. So, I have this amazing opportunity
to go to the Brazilian rainforest
to help protect endangered tree frogs.
Wow.
The only rainforest I've ever gone to is the Rainforest Cafe.
Sounds like the chance of a lifetime.
It is, but I'd be gone the whole summer.
That's why I'm on the fence.
Take it from someone who recently found herself as an independent woman.
You got to do what's best for you.
But what about CB?
You don't need to worry about CB.
He's always telling me how much he loves your passion.
Talking about your passion is his passion.
You can't take that away from him.
But you, of all people, know how hard the long-distance thing is.
How long will you be long-distance for... Three months?
I didn't think of it that way.
Thanks, Lainey!
I guess I'm going to the rainforest!
Village with no plumbing, here I come.
No plumbing? Ew!
Eh... But go get 'em, tiger.
Damn. That was some Erica Kane-level
soap-opera stuff right there!
Good God, woman! Let it go!
I just told Paloma to spend the summer living her frickin' dream.
Until she gets bit by a mosquito
or gets her face eaten off by a rabid monkey.
Then CB's all yours.
That's insane!
I just encouraged Paloma to be an independent woman.
An independent woman with no face.
♪♪
LAINEY: Mellor was shocked to find out about the pitfalls of modern proms,
so he enlisted Glascott to find out just what was in store for Toby.
What's happening, girls? Excited for the prom?
I know I'm pretty psyched about the Chunnel of Love.
Yeah, I-I guess.
So, accessory wise, what are you guys thinking...
Berets or Beefeater hats?
Oh, we're probably not doing anything Chunnel-related.
Yeah, you don't wanna cover up those great hairdos.
So, what are you thinking? Uh, you wanna go with an updo or half up, half down?
Butterfly clips?
Ooh! Spiky twists?
Someone read the YMprom issue.
You know I did, girlfriend. [CHUCKLES]
And, hey, is there a post-prom party spot
you guys plan on being all up in?
Hey, John! You wanted me to talk about mononucleosis
and the toll it takes on teens that kiss?
Gosh, you kids don't want to catch that
from your prom dates, do you?
Don't worry. I won't be kissing my prom date anytime soon.
Really? Why's that?
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Nothing.
Come on, Dawn! Look, I am not your principal.
Right now, I'm just another gal pal. [CHUCKLES]
♪ Let's dish! ♪
Okay. [CHUCKLES] I guess.
Well, uh, my date to prom is this freshman kid, and he's really sweet,
but I'm just using him as a cover because my parents...
They don't like my real boyfriend, Robbie.
Robbie McFadden? He's a budding delinquent.
But when my parents see me with this Toby kid,
they'll let me go to prom, where I can just ditch him and meet up with Robbie.
So, you don't like Toby that way? Does he know that?
Well, he's gotta. [CHUCKLES] Right?
I mean, he's, like, a little kid and...
Well, let's just say that last week,
somebody mistook me for a real estate agent.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
If Toby goes to that prom, he's gonna have his little squirrel heart broken.
And if you tell him and he doesn't go, still broken.
Either option, same squirrel heart result.
Unless I can come up with a third option.
LAINEY: While Mellor cooked up an alternate plan,
I was finding out how I'd affected CB's plans.
Wilma wants a romantic shade of gray for the Chunnel walls,
so I've narrowed it down to "smoky charcoal" or "Bea Arthur's hair."
Wow. That's some serious stress-juggling going on there.
You okay, pal? Not really.
I feel like my heart was ripped out of my body
'cause my super smokin'-hot girlfriend
is ditching me to save some tree frogs.
We're talking about Paloma?
'Cause she's very attractive, but let's not get crazy.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. I think you latched onto the less important part.
Paloma is leaving me.
She's going to Brazil for the entire summer.I know.
'Cause you just told me, so now I know.
It sucks. I really liked her. Seriously. She's so hot.
Yes, she's very traditionally attractive.
All she was talking about was her "passion,"
and I was hoping maybe I was her passion.
Well, it's just three months.
It was just nice to have someone, you know?
And I really thought I'd had a shot, but now it's gone.
Ooh. Those are some "E-motions."
[CHUCKLES]
Making me feel all guilty...
For asking you to weigh in on the paint swatches.
I'll just take this off your plate.
Hey, Lainey.
You're a really good friend.
Yeah.
♪♪
I felt super guilty for messing up CB's chances with Paloma,
but I wasn't sure what to do about it.
So I decided to go for a walk to clear my mind
and hopefully feel a little less clueless.
But then I thought, "Why should I feel guilty?"
I was encouraging Paloma to be an independent woman.
What was so wrong with...
Ooh! I wonder if they have that in my size.
It was totally not what Wilma was saying.
I wasn't trying to sabotage CB's relationship.
He was just a guy I worked with.
I mean, sure, he'd become my friend...
A friend who always made me laugh and feel good.
But why was I buggin' about this?
This was, like, CB.
Okay, okay, I had to admit he was kinda cute,
and maybe some of his crazy dance moves were kinda fun.
But he deserved someone who appreciated him,
who really got him, ya know?
Then, suddenly, it hit me.
Oh, my God!
♪ Don't wanna live
I like CB!
♪ ...by myself ♪
LAINEY: I was totally, crazy, head over heels for CB!
♪♪
Oh, boy.
As I was hit with a huge reality check,
Glascott and Mellor were trying to save Toby from his reality.
Toby, you can't go to prom
because you're suspended from school.
Why?
Um... I don't know?
Seriously, John?
[SIGHS] I'm sorry, Rick.
I didn't think he'd have a follow-up question.
What's going on?
It seems like you two don't want me going to prom.
N... T-Toby, sit down for a second.
W... I got to tell you something.
We were trying not to hurt your feelings,
but Dawn doesn't like you the way you think she does.
What are you talking about?
She just needed some guy to fool her parents so she can go to prom.
And then when she got there, she was
gonna ditch you for her boyfriend.
Robbie McFadden.
So I'm not her boyfriend.
She was just using me.
Sorry, T-Man.
God, I'm so stupid.
Why would I think a girl like Dawn would ever like me?
Ahh, poor Toby.
You know, Robbie McFadden put a ferret in my desk drawer once.
Wait. That's where all that hair is coming from!
LAINEY: Toby was upset over the news about Dawn,
but I was psyched to tell Wilma about my CB epiphany.
Wilma!
You were right. CB and I are meant to be together.
Ooh, I knew it!
I was so right, and you denied it.
But Wilma knew. Mm-hmm. Wilma knew.
All right, enough with the gloating.
But I don't know what to do about it
'cause, you know, the whole Paloma thing.
Well, what if I told you CB still has feelings for you?
Did he tell you that?
No. But...yes.
Huh? He didn't say it,
but he didn't not say it.
Wow. It's all lining up. Okay.
Barry and I broke it off. I like CB.
CB's girlfriend is going to Brazil.
CB still doesn't necessarily not like me.
It's fate. And Wilma.
Now the only thing left to do is tell CB how I feel.
But when? Now.
No. Yes. Here he comes.
What? Bye-bye.
Hey, Lainey, can I talk to you for a sec?
Yeah. I need to tell you something.I gotta tell you something.
Oh. Me first. [CHUCKLES]
No, me first. It's... It's really important.
Um, this whole Paloma leaving thing,
it really got me thinking about love and fate.
Me too.
Long-distance relationships suck.
They're the worst.
And that's why I was thinking Paloma leaving is a sign.
A big ol' sign.
A sign for me to just do what I was afraid to do.
Don't be afraid.
And to just really go after what I want.
Go, Mr. Brown.
So, what I want is...
[MUSIC SWELLS]
...a super rad trip to the Amazon with my girlfriend.
Wait. What? Yeah.
I'm gonna take the summer va-cay with my bay-bay, Palo-may.
Oh. [CHUCKLING] Wow.
What was it that you were gonna tell me?
Eh... Um...
[EXHALES SHARPLY] The paint.
Sherman Williams just ran out of "Bea Arthur's Hair" color,
so now we're going with...gray.
Oh, that's a bummer.
Uh, yeah, but...
You can't always get what you want.
[CHUCKLES]
[ALL BY MYSELFPLAYS]
♪♪
LAINEY: I decided that CB heading to Brazil with Paloma was for the best.
Why screw up my life even more than it is now?
How could you not tell CB how you feel?
Before I could, he made his decision. He's going to Brazil.
No, you're letting him go to Brazil.
And I've worked too hard to let you [BLEEP] this up.
What am I supposed to do?
Do not let him leave this gym tonight
without telling him how you feel.
Well, that's not gonna happen.
I can't even face him right now.
I'm gonna go make sure the Eiffel Tower doesn't fall over.
I did not bolt it down, like you told me to.
I was trying to steer clear of CB,
but Wilma was gonna make me face him head-on.
Um... A-attention, students!
Uh, I know you're all itching for your chance to Chunnel,
but since insurance won't let us send children through
without it being tested on adults first,
I'd like to send in my fellow engineers,
Ms. Lewis and CB!
Hey!
Um, no. I'm clearly very busy.
Oh, come on, Lainey. It'll be fun.
Okay. Fine.
Keep your hands and feet inside,
and also watch your head, 'cause, you know,
you're taller than the kids,
and there might be some nails sticking through.
Nails? Have a good ride.
♪♪
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, Tobester.
Not in the mood to talk.
Well, if it's any consolation, I know what you're going through.
How?
I wasn't always the rough-hewn Greek God you see before you.
When I was your age, I was gangly and awkward.
I was a tiny, little wisp, just like you.
Not helping.
I had absolutely no moves with girls whatsoever.
I was constantly being cast aside, like I didn't matter.
Where is this going?
I see myself in you.
And I learned that for all the times you strike out with a girl,
eventually, you hit a home run
and you meet somebody who likes you back.
What if I'm the guy that keeps striking out?
In the big leagues, the guys that strike out the most
are also the guys that hit the most home runs.
Because they keep on swinging.
[THE CRANBERRIES' DREAMSPLAYS]
Thanks, Coach.
♪♪
[LASER GUNFIRE]
[VOCALIZING]
[LASER GUNFIRE]
Toby. What are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be at prom?
No. I came here to tell you I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have treated you how I did.
This is where I want to be.
Apology accepted.
You look good, like when Bugs Bunny goes to the opera.
Thanks. That's what I was going for.
♪♪
It's a pretty weird prom, huh?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
We really should've gone with "Under the Sea" or something normal.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Are you okay?
Yeah. Fine.
Totally fine.
I don't think you are.
I know we've been talking about me and Paloma so much,
I haven't really checked in to see how you're doing
with your Barry breakup, so...
No, it's not that.
Then what is it?
Come on. You can tell me anything, Lainey.
What's... What's going on?
♪ Dream to me
Don't go.
To Brazil.
Why not?
Because I want you to stay.
♪♪
Give me a reason to stay.
♪♪
♪ Then I open up and see
♪ The person falling here is me
♪ A different way to be ♪
♪♪
[VOCALIZING]
How was your Chunnel ride?
♪♪
Well, ooo-la-la.
LAINEY: Taking big chances can be scary.
You don't always know how it's going to work out.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.
Because life can be unpredictable.
You can start off in one place and wind up somewhere totally different.
And you're not exactly sure what to do next.
You're left wondering what the future will hold.
But excited to find out.
[VOCALIZING]
♪♪
Let's play laser tag!
[AS DIRTY HARRY] Do you feel lucky, punk?
[AS THE TERMINATOR] Hasta la vista,baby.
[AS TRAVIS BICKLE] You talkin' to me?
[AS JOHN CUTTER] You ever play roulette? Always bet on Mellor.
[AS THE JOKER] You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
[AS TONY MONTANA] Say hello to my little friend!
[AS JAMES MARSHALL] Get off my plane!
[AS NEO] I'm in the Matrix!
[BONES CRACK] Aah! Ohh!
[GROANS]
♪♪
[BELL DINGS]
And we want to thank
all of the teachers out there.
You guys are the true heroes...
Now more than ever.
So thank you.