I knew you could do it.
Cheese.
Oh right.
Hello, Jake.
Hello, Daddy.
Last night of freedom.
Cheers.
Let's go out tonight.
Before the show, a date.
Like the old days.
- Let's go. - Come on.
How did he die again?
It was an accident.
The police aren't quite sure,
but what we do know is that he fell over
and hit his head.
I fall over and hit my head all the time and I don't die.
I know love, but this was,
it's incredibly unusual.
It's stupid.
I know this must be very hard for you, Jake.
What time is Daddy picking me up then?
Sweetheart, he won't be coming today.
Daddy's gonna be feeling really sad
about what's happened, isn't he?
So Llinos and I think that we should wait a bit
before deciding what happens next.
Especially because we think
this will make you very sad as well.
And of course we're all hoping
you'll be able to move in with him as planned.
But we can't promise that right now.
Jake, whatever happens,
I want you to know you're safe here with me.
Does this make sense, Jake?
They still have my toys.
I want them back.
They're mine.
He doesn't believe us, does he?
Well the last thing we want
is for Jake to think they don't want him anymore.
Do you think Gabriel might consider some contact,
a video perhaps?
I'm sure he would, but I haven't been able to speak
to him directly yet, understandably.
Do we know how he's feeling about Jake?
I think Jake's the last thing on his mind right now.
Which is a bit of a concern.
His partner's just died.
I know that.
And he barely knows Jake.
Yeah, but still I'm not convinced
we should be allowing any contact
until we're absolutely certain
the adoption's moving forward.
This will be hugely traumatic for Gabriel.
Hang on now.
Gabriel's ability to parent is not in question here.
He was approved.
As part of a stable, loving couple,
which is no longer the case now, is it?
But Jake needs to hear something from his daddy.
Otherwise-
We don't know for certain
he's actually gonna be his daddy now though, do we?
Okay, it's all right.
It's great to hear you're talking so passionately
about Gabe and Jake, but we do need
to take the heat out of this
in order to move things forward.
So I'm gonna suggest that we reconvene
in a couple of weeks after the funeral.
Gabe.
Let me do that for you.
Do you want me to move that?
No.
Sorry I've not been much help with the organising.
You sure you're all right with the chapel service?
It's your son, Sandra.
He's your partner.
Never got married.
Should have got married.
Anyway, it's a good thing you took control
'cause I would've probably turned it into a musical.
Do you think I should go and see the coroner
after this is done just to see what's happening there?
Because the police have been so useless.
I mean, it can't have been an accident, can it?
Sit down, would you, Gabe.
I'm fine.
I know, but I'm not,
and you're getting on my tits.
Sorry.
Don't be.
I'm getting on my tits as well and I don't have any.
Is your dad coming here?
I told him to go straight there.
I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable, you know?
Will Jake be there?
No, I don't think so.
He's still coming though, isn't he?
I can't think about that right now, Sandra.
Of course.
Oh, my boy.
Your carriage awaits, my ladies.
They wanted to walk with you.
That's my dad.
Berwyn.
Mind stopping a moment, drive.
Emrys, duck in the car.
No.
I'm so very sorry, Sandra.
He was such a, a wonderful boy.
♪ Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah ♪
♪ Pilgrim through this barren land ♪
♪ I am weak, but Thou art mighty ♪
♪ Hold me with Thy pow'rful hand ♪
♪ Bread of heaven, bread of heaven ♪
♪ Feed me now and ever more ♪
♪ Ever more ♪
♪ Feed me now and ever more ♪
Who puts gherkins in a sandwich?
I do.
Oh, sorry.
You're all right.
Very nice, Sandra.
I must say, I'm rather partial to a gherkin myself.
How old are you when Mum died?
I was your age.
I'm so sorry, Dad.
Me too.
How is he?
Much like you, I imagine.
It's difficult for him to get his head around.
Take your time.
Don't rush into anything.
Claire.
Tell him...
I will.
Want a light?
Didn't know you smoked.
Neither did I.
Well, this is shit.
Yep.
Do we need to talk about Jake?
Not now.
But-
We don't need to talk about it now.
Okay.
You're the social worker.
Not today. Gabe.
Gabriel.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You remember Jackie?
Yes, I remember Jackie.
Well then, I'll be off then.
Okay.
Oh.
I'll leave you to it.
I'm sure you two must have a lot to talk about.
Though it's, it's probably for the best.
What is?
If the boy-
Jake,
Yes. If Jake doesn't come anymore.
Who said he wasn't coming anymore?
Well, I've just been talking to Sandra
and I just assumed that it would be too difficult.
Yeah, he's still coming, Dad.
Oh, okay, okay.
I just, I just misunderstood, that's all.
I'll walk you out, Emrys.
I'm leaving now too.
Why do you think it would be too difficult?
- Let's not talk about- - No, I want to know.
Why?
Oh, Gabriel, I-
Just tell me.
I'm interested.
Well because...
He's been through so much already, hasn't he, poor dab.
And I know this.
It'll be very difficult to fix it now,
especially on your own.
How long were you and your Danny together?
Three years. Short years.
What about you, sweetheart?
Anyone special?
There isn't anyone special enough?
Gabriel.
Hi, love.
Thanks for coming.
But I thought it best to get the ball rolling
because I think Jake should move in this weekend.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no, you probably think it's too soon.
But honestly I am fine.
Gabriel.
Okay, well not fine obviously,
but well enough for him to come here because-
Gabe, can I just take my bloody coat off first?
Sure, sure. Of course.
Not sitting?
Thing is, Gabriel, I'm afraid we can't just plough on
as if nothing's happened.
Well I understand that.
Wait, just let me finish.
I'm meeting with Jake's team tomorrow
to explore our options.
Okay.
But make it clear that I want him
to move in sooner rather than later.
It's not as simple as that, love.
Why not?
We'll have to go back to panel
and I'll have to write an addendum report.
But I've already been assessed.
I know that.
But your situation's different now, isn't it?
So you don't think I can do this on my own either?
I didn't say that.
Am I gonna lose Jake as well?
Hey, hey, we're not there yet.
And I promise I am gonna do everything I can
to make sure that doesn't happen.
Mm.
I'm afraid Llinos is gonna have to come around next week
and start collecting his things
because he's been asking for them, so.
But hopefully it'll just be temporary,
just until we can sort all this out.
And the best thing you can do after that is rest.
Do whatever you need to get through the day
and give yourself time to grieve, whatever form that takes.
I mean, for what it's worth,
the best advice anyone ever gave me about grief,
there are no rules.
♪ All around me are familiar faces ♪
♪ Worn-out places, worn-out faces ♪
♪ Bright and early for their daily races ♪
♪ Going nowhere, going nowhere ♪
♪ Their tears are filling up their glasses ♪
♪ No expression, no expression ♪
♪ Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow ♪
♪ No tomorrow, no tomorrow ♪
♪ And I find it's kind of funny ♪
♪ I find it's kind of sad ♪
♪ The dreams in which I'm dying ♪
♪ Are the best I've ever had ♪
♪ I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take ♪
♪ When people run in circles ♪
♪ It's a very, very ♪
♪ Mad world ♪
♪ Children waiting for the day they feel good ♪
♪ Happy birthday, happy birthday ♪
♪ Made to feel the way that every child should ♪
♪ Sit and listen ♪
♪ Went to school and I was very nervous ♪
♪ No one knew me, no one knew me ♪
♪ Hello, teacher, tell me what's my lesson ♪
♪ Look right through me, look right through me ♪
♪ And I find it's kind of funny ♪
♪ I find it's kind of sad ♪
♪ The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had ♪
♪ I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take ♪
♪ When people run in circles ♪
♪ I find it kind of sad ♪
♪ The dreams in which I'm dying ♪
♪ Are the best I've ever had ♪
♪ I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take ♪
♪ When people run in circles, it's a very, very ♪
♪ Mad world ♪
♪ Enlargen your world ♪
♪ Mad world ♪
And what type of sex did you have?
Anal.
Do you know if he had HIV or not?
Don't know.
Were you sexually assaulted?
No.
Jake.
- Gabriel.
Jake.
- Gabriel.
Jake.
I'm so sorry.
We thought you were someone else.
Come on.
You were the one that said there are no rules.
I didn't think you'd end up in A and E, for God's sake.
They will understand though, won't they?
After everything I've been through.
It's not about you, Gabriel.
It's about Jake and what he's been through.
'Cause whatever's happened to you,
he has been through a hell of a lot worse.
The only thing that matters to them
is whether or not you can be trusted
to take care of a boy with Jake's needs on your own.
'Cause who's to say that next time
life throws you a curve ball,
and believe me, there will be many,
that you won't fall off the wagon again
with Jake in your care.
But it won't happen again, I promise.
It can't happen again.
But the problem now is that panel will need to see
at least two years stability after relapse
before they will approve a match.
It wasn't a relapse.
It was a relapse.
It was your default position to stress.
To grief.
Your default position was to use again.
But I want to be his dad.
I can be his dad.
But they'll have to look into other options.
Especially as you can't prove to us you'll be-
To us.
Yeah, to us.
Look, Gabriel, sort yourself out.
Whatever it takes, grief counselling, therapy.
In the meantime, we've agreed it would be a good idea
as well as letterbox contact
for you to record a short video message for Jake.
Something acknowledging how difficult this has all been.
Because we need to make absolutely sure he knows
that this wasn't all just some elaborate lie
and that you've rejected him.
Is that what he thinks?
That little boy has had no reason to trust anyone, so.
So what?
He thinks we're just making it up,
that we, that I don't want him anymore?
Oh God, does he not want me anymore?
It's only fair that you know,
he has asked us to look into other adopters.
So what's the point in me fighting for him then?
Because he is not capable of knowing what he wants
because he's just a little boy, Gabriel.
I mean, in his head he thought
he was gonna have two daddies, and one of them died.
And the moment he experienced that loss,
another catastrophic loss,
you didn't show up for him either.
But that is because-
I am just saying how it will feel to him.
But he can't know what he needs.
He's just a child.
So don't take it personally.
But only you can decide
if there is something worth fighting for.
You think it's hopeless, don't you?
I don't know.
But I've already lost my son.
So I would never forgive you
if you didn't give it your best shot.
And you're not gonna be on your own, are you?
You twat.
Hi, Jake, it's Daddy here.
I don't know about you, but I'm finding this so weird.
Sometimes all I want to do is scream.
And if you're feeling anything like I am,
you'll be feeling very sad and confused,
because this is an incredibly strange
and difficult situation.
But I want you to know that I really haven't stopped
thinking about you and I still love you very much.
And I hope more than anything
that I'll get to see you again very soon.
Oh, and give my love to Billy for me.
So I'm feeling great actually.
I mean, I know that it's early days,
but I have so much energy.
And I've been thinking,
just because there are five stages of grief,
it doesn't mean that we all have to go
through every single one of them, does it?
And what are those stages?
Well, denial, anger, bargaining.
I'm just reading the poster behind you.
You do know that, don't you?
And where are you on that spectrum, Gabriel?
See that's the thing, I don't think I'm on it anymore.
Okay, but if you had to put yourself somewhere
just as a thought experiment, where would that be?
Honestly, I'm not on it.
'Cause all I want to do is start a family, my family.
that I have got so much energy and love, I could burst.
And I want to be able to focus that love somewhere,
which is why I'm doing everything I can
to prove that I parent Jake.
'Cause I've never felt so invincible.
That's how I feel.
Yeah, invincible.
So there you go, Sharon.
Not on the spectrum, am I?
In fact, I am shitting all over your spectrum
because invincibility isn't anywhere near
that spectrum, is it?
It is Gabriel.
No, it isn't.
Look again.
Oh yeah, sorry.
Acceptance, isn't it?
No, Gabriel. It's denial.
Fuck.
How do you think that made me feel?
Look, how can his death be deemed
as a death by misadventure?
I mean, misadventure.
What the fuck?
Makes dying almost some fun, doesn't it?
As if we're all missing out.
Are you clear what misadventure means, Gabriel?
Unintended consequence of an intentional act.
Right.
All I want to do is catch the fucker
who performed that intentional act,
which unintentionally killed my Andy
and unintentionally kill him as well.
Okay.
Don't worry, won't be able to do that because-
We have very little to go on, I'm afraid.
Our only hope is if somebody comes forward in the future.
Come back crying much.
All is forgiven.
You know, I thought I saw my dad on "Crimewatch" once.
For a split second,
I thought he'd robbed a bank in Milton Keynes.
I even checked the calendar to see where he was that day.
Do you want to talk about your Dad?
No, you're all right.
But Andy didn't deserve it though, did he?
He was a saint.
That if anyone was gonna die first, it should have been me.
And then I found myself wondering if that's why he died,
because he was a saint.
Only the good die young, all that.
Or if Andy's death was a punishment from God
for my past behaviour.
I don't even believe in God.
And then I feel even more guilty 'cause I've somehow managed
to make Andy's death all about me again.
He can't even be centre stage in his own demise.
Poor bugger.
And then all I want is to hear him tell me
that I'm a self-centered, egotistical twat again.
So I find myself pleading with they upstairs,
because if there is God they're probably non-binary, right?
And I find myself saying things like,
"If I promise to stop masturbating,
"can I please wake up from this nightmare
"and find Andy coming out of the shower
"like Bobby Ewing in Dallas."
Is any of this normal?
This is all perfectly normal.
Jake.
Have you seen-
I really haven't stopped thinking about you
and I still love you very much.
And I hope more than anything
that I'll get to see you again very soon.
Oh, and give my love to Billy for me.
You've come a really long way.
I don't feel like I have.
You have.
You did the work, Gabe.
You're financially solvent.
Only because Andy ignored me
and paid the life insurance anyway.
But you've clearly demonstrated you are committed
to being the best dad you can be to Jake.
Which is why we think it's time we took it back to panel.
What? Really?
Really.
That is, if you still want Jake.
Yes, yes, of course I still want Jake.
Which is excellent news because he's been asking for you.
He has?
He has.
Fuck off.
Please don't say that to panel, will you?
Thank you.
It's not a done deal yet.
I mean, just 'cause you want it, just 'cause Jake wants it,
doesn't mean that panel will think it's a good idea.
Hey.
They're ready for you.
Just be prepared.
They won't go easy on you in there.
So I suppose in the end
it comes down to a matter of balancing risk.
Is it better for Jake's wellbeing
to remain in the care system?
Deny the parent he's asked for
and all the pain and rejection that would bring.
Or we perhaps risking more if we approve this match.
Because if you can't cope as a single adopter, Gabriel,
then Jake's suffering could be greater.
Of course it's a risk.
Believing me, for such a long time
it's been the first thing I think about when I wake up.
And last thing I think about before I sleep, if I sleep.
And like most of you, I've had so many doubts.
What if I fail Jake again?
Now how can I know that fighting
for this is the right decision?
But that's the point. I can't.
How can I possibly know what's right?
How can you know?
It's impossible.
This isn't science.
These are emotions, relationships, vulnerabilities.
We're all just humans trying to figure out
how to get through life, so we can't know.
But we can feel.
And all we can ever do is go on the information we have
and what that does to our guts, our heart, here.
And I've messed up a lot.
But my God, the intention to love him,
and love him, and love him is there.
And it's not just me.
I have the most extraordinary support network
who love Jake as well.
And who, despite my flaws, love me too.
And they want this to work out more than anything.
I have my village.
And so my gut is crying out
that this is in all probability the best thing for Jake.
Love, the best thing.
But you're right, it's a risk and it's scary
and you have to listen to your own guts.
But if I'd listened to my fears about all the things
that could go wrong in my life,
I would never have come out.
I'd never have met Andy.
I would never have met Jake.
And yeah, approving this might be the wrong decision,
but it might also end up being the best thing
that's ever happened to both of us.
Thank you, Gabriel,
for everything that you've shared with us.
We've had to think really hard about this.
It is a high-risk decision,
but we've come to the unanimous decision
to approve the match.
You've got a brilliant support network, Gabriel.
And he got a good one there too.
Good boy.
Oh, that's a good boy.
Gabriel?
Yeah.
Dad?
So, just one more thing.
Will there ever not be just one more thing?
Welcome to parenting.
We need to talk about meeting birth mum.
You've agreed, Gabe,
and she's come a really long way this last year.
She's moved area for a fresh start
and she's committed to getting herself clean.
She's been through a lot too.
I don't really care what she's been through.
Jake's my priority.
Which is exactly why you should meet her.
You'll be able to answer
his questions about her in the future.
We'll control everything.
We'll agree on the questions you ask each other beforehand.
Things you'll wanna know about Jake
and she'll wanna know about,
well, you, and the kind of life you'll be able to give him.
Just think how nice it'll be one day
when you are able to say to Jake, "I met your mum once."
I didn't know if I was supposed to come in or not,
'cause they said at the desk that Llinos is already here.
But they obviously got that wrong, didn't they,
'cause she's not here, is she?
Fuck, shouldn't have come in yet, should I?
I should have waited outside
and now I've made this really weird.
Becky, it's fine.
You're very welcome.
I'm sure Llinos will be here in a moment.
Yeah, I wouldn't bet on it.
You know as well as I do,
social workers are a waste of fucking space.
Where's your social worker?
I'm a social worker.
Fuck. Really?
I thought you were a special friend
or something, like.
They offered me, I was offered, but I didn't want it
'cause it's no one else's business, is it, you know, this.
It's just mine, ours.
Shit, sorry.
I'm sure you're not a waste of space.
Is she a waste of space?
No.
Good. That's good then.
God, a bit bloody formal this, isn't it?
And what's with the, all the plastic bottles?
They fine you for screwing up the recycling
and they give you all this plastic shit.
I thought we were meeting in reception.
You weren't fucking there, were you,
and I've been making a right tit out of myself,
came charging in like a paedophile in a playground.
Anyway, you're here now, so we sitting down then or what?
Okay, so this is your opportunity
to share any information you have about Jake.
You got the questions from the adopter, didn't you, Becky?
Doesn't he have a name?
Yeah.
But as discussed, he'll be known as the adopter.
Why? In case I look him up on Facebook or something
and try and kill him.
Nobody's suggesting that.
Because adopter makes him sound
like the RoboCop or Terminator or something.
It's what we agreed.
All right, all right, I get it.
They're good questions.
Thank you.
And the adopter has your questions too, so.
Thought they were shit, did you?
Sorry?
I said yours were good. You said nothing.
It's rude.
- No, I- - I'm joking, man.
God, you're all so fucking touchy.
- Becky. - All right, all right.
Over to you, adopter.
I just wanted to ask about his name.
Why did you decide to call him Jake?
Mm.
Take your time, Becky.
It's okay to be upset.
I'm not upset.
Take a moment.
I don't need a fuckin' moment.
It's 'cause I like Joseph, innit, the musical.
I was in it when I was at school.
I couldn't sing for shit,
but I could dance the tits off anyone.
But I didn't want Joseph 'cause of Stalin.
So I settled for Jacob.
It's a stronger name anyway, and I wanted him to be strong.
I want him to be strong.
Is that all right, like?
It's great.
I'm sure...
You were going to say his name there,
weren't you?
Don't get your knickers in a twist.
I'm not gonna try and guess.
Go ahead. Next one.
I wanted to ask about his dad, his birth dad, Liam.
How did you meet?
At a drum and bass club off my tits on molly.
He promised me the world and utterly destroyed it.
Go on, next one.
When did Jake start speaking and walking?
That's actually two questions
but I won't hold it against you.
God, right one you got here, Llin.
I thought you said he was intelligent.
- Sorry, I- - I'm joking, man.
God. I hope you're more fun with Jake.
Anyway, Jakey took his first steps at 15 months,
just as "Call The Midwife" was starting.
I don't forget anything, see?
I remember everything.
Everything.
Jakey bloody loves "Call the Midwife" by the way.
You need to watch it with him.
I thought all nuns are cunts before I watched that.
And his first word was mam, I think.
What are you staring at?
No, nothing.
And your next question?
Your happiest memory of him?
I think it, I think it was seeing him for the first time.
Couldn't believe how much I loved this pink wriggly thing
that had just like mutilated my fanny.
But I did, I loved him,
more than I've ever loved anything before or since.
Ever will again maybe.
Your last question?
What do you hope that he achieves?
More than I have.
It might be nice if you can elaborate.
No, I don't have anything else to say.
I want to ask my questions.
That was your last question, wasn't it, adopter?
- Yeah. - Good. Yeah.
Right, what I wanna know is,
will you have other close family around?
Yes.
His nan's not too far away
and she really can't wait to meet him.
Good, 'cause you'll need help, you know.
It's hard doing it on your own.
Although I was actually dead chuffed
when I heard he was going to a single man.
'Cause I'm his only mammy then, see,
and I think it'd be good for him.
He needs to know that not all men
are complete and utter dickheads.
Why are you doing this on your own anyway, by the way?
Are you gay?
Yes, actually.
Cool.
Yeah, I'm cool with that
'cause my nan's a lesbian and she's a total legend.
Why is your nan a legend?
No, that's not on the list.
Is he allowed to ask questions that are not on the list?
We have time if you want to answer.
All right, well don't be surprised
if I go parkour on my questions as well.
Nan's a legend because she's the only one
that gave a shit that my dad was a fuckin' asshole.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
So how come you're single then?
I mean, like you're hardly a munter.
You just haven't found right one yet, have you?
No.
My, my partner, he, he died.
Oh God. Right.
What happened?
We're not, we're not actually sure,
but he was probably attacked.
But anyway, he fell and he knocked his head and...
Shit. Sorry.
It's okay.
It's not okay. It's fuckin' sad.
Llinos, get the man a tissue.
No, I'm fine, honestly.
No, get the fucking man a tissue, I said.
You cry if you want to.
It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
And you make sure you teach that to Jakey too.
What was his name? Your partner.
Andrew, Andy.
His name was Andy.
Andy. That's nice.
Oh shit, no, I shouldn't have said.
Oh shit, sorry.
Like, I just wanted to know what his name was
'cause, well 'cause, he would have been
his dad as well, wouldn't he?
Yeah.
Lucky boy.
Not one but two nice dads to take care of him.
I mean, look at you,
look at your kind face.
Anyway, um.
Will you take Jake on holiday?
Yes. Yes.
There's lots of places that I'd like to share with him.
Last question.
Do you have a garden?
Yes, front and back garden.
Just got a trampoline in the back
'cause I know how much he loves that.
Actually, can I ask one more question?
You, you, fuck,
you will love him, won't you?
I already do.
Good.
Because I love him too, see,
and I want him to have a good life.
I want him to be happy.
And you will let him know that, that I loved him,
that it wasn't because I didn't love him.
God, look at you.
Look at your kind face.
He takes after you, you know?
No, it's true.
He's bright, and funny, he's so funny.
And loving.
You should be really proud of that.
We always think it's nice if there's a picture
of the two of you together for Jake.
I don't have to put my arm around him or nothing?
No, you can just stand next to each other.
I feel like a right fuckin' pleb.
No, it's lovely.
Thanks.
Right then, we better get going, ain't it, Llin?
Christ, I could do with a drink.
And you'll have things to do, I imagine.
Well anyway, goodbye, RoboCop.
My name's Gabriel.
Thank you.
Come on, let's go.
♪ You talk like Marlene Dietrich ♪
♪ And you dance like Zizi Jeanmaire ♪
♪ Your clothes are all made by Balmain ♪
♪ And there's diamonds and pearls in your hair ♪
♪ Yes, there are ♪
♪ You live in a fancy apartment ♪
♪ Off the Boulevard St. Michel ♪
♪ Where you keep your Rolling Stones records ♪